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The Ubyssey Mar 25, 1955

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VOLUME XXXV111
VANCOUVER, B.C.  FRIDAY, MARCH  25,  1955
Price 5c
No. 65
THE UBYSSEY
MEMBER, CANADIAN UNIVERSITY PRESS
Authorized as second class rhail.-Post Office Dept., Ottawa.
Mail subscriptions $2.50 per year. Published in Vancouver
throughout the university year by the Student Publications
Board of the Alma Mater Society, University of British Columbia. Editorial opinions expressed herein are those of the editorial
staff of The Ubyssey, and not necessarily of the Alma Mater
Society or the University. Business and advertising telephones
are Alma 1230 or Alma 1231. Advertising Manager is Geoff
Conway.
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF — PETER SYPNOWICH
Managing Editor: Ray Logie News Editor. Rod Smith
CUP Editor: Jean Whiteside Sports Editor: Ken Un*
Copy Editor: Stanley Beck Executive Editor: Geoff Conway
Layout and Art: Ray Logie
Senior Editors: Dolores Banerd, Bob Johannes, Pat Russell
Cartoonist this issue: Joan Nuttall
Staff writers: Valerie Haig-Brown, Sandy Rosa, Jackie S«*e,
Sylvia Shorthouse, Tom Woodside, Pete Worthington.
MAKE YOUR OWN READER'S DRYRETCH
Fold bdck this half of tht poptr. Fold tho
papor again, to that thit typt it hiddtn intidt.
Than tHt Hit outtido foldtd odgot to makt a
small book. Bt cartful not to cut tht book's
foldtd back at tht Itft of tht front covtr.
Deader^
JLx^Dryretch
MARCH 19SS
Articles  of  Gasping  Interest
God is a Swell Fellow Victor Norman Chimes 3
Can   COTC   Defend?    Brownshirt 5
George, the Pooch   --      - Hydrant 9
I Married Sergei     Mrs. Sergei O'Flannigan 12
Organization - Tommyrot! Wallflower Journal 14
Case for Chastity    Woman's Patriot 16   '
Lo, the Poor Homo Sapien   ..-'- -  Sunbathing 19
I Cleaned up Aklavik     -.   .,-.- -  Mrs. Jones 21
Is Your Thinking Straight?    Bill Tusk 23
Sororities   -   Guardians      Bess   Stunt 25
Care  and  Feeding  -    Business  Retort 28
Patience  Patients    -      Receipt  Book 32
Drama and Real Strife      . Fulton Horsley 36
Nuclear Fission—      -       -. - Jewels Veneral 37
Forgettable Character Otto  George 39
The Truth About thc Pool Cramp 41
Ivy's Out of Date  Alumni Journal 43
Joshua P. Twerp—Another Edwin Booth? Flub 45
Man Who Became a Legend Field and Scream 47
Red Menace to Highways James Burn'em 50
Canada—Land of Snow and Ice Our World 52
Book Section: Thc Sun Slinks Slow Latoute 55
That's Life  Like?,  7 —Quaggy Quotes,   15
Putting   Bloomin'   Nature   to Work,    27
Word     Power,    35—Laughter thc    Best
Physic.   54 ^^^J/^MW^^^^^^M
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z?,
THE READER'S DRYRETCH
Duplessisville, Quebec
Published in American, Australian, British, Canadian, Danish,
Yiddish, Abyssinian, Esperanto,
French, Spanish, Gaelic, Latin,
Greek, Sanskrit, Pigmy, German,
Dutch, Norwegian, Japa|pse,
Braille, and" English. Also on
talking records. Published on a
hand press in the Kremlin Basement to let the poor oppressed
people of the Iron Curtain countries know the free world *till
thinks of them.
Editors: Nitwit Walrus and Lil-
iic  Itchison  Walrus.
Executive Editor: Kennel W.
Pain   and   Poll  Palmer.
.Vlanatfini;   Editors:   John   Foster
Dulles,   Henry   ^fordstrool.
Oirec'.or,    international    mollification and honcybut^inH: Lester
Howies   "i\Tike"   Pearson.
Senior Editors: David Green-
;;lass, Hoherl Onpentieimer, Julius and Ethel [{osenh"]'^. Sacero
ond Ven/etli, Hiu'olph Hess.
Claus Fiu'!'. AI'.■,(>!• Hiss, Joe
Doaks, Fi J'd Nordslrool.
I Jii'tcl ui's of L'.ioid taste and ri.uhl-
i oils lhiitl;iim: Uon l.,on^slal'l'e.
hon f'/ostick. .r(>iui Rlael<nio('(\
Clod. Sam Nordslrool, Urian
Xordslriiol. William MombraiM
Haw. and Max 'Seludlman we
mean i.
'.'v'Mi Edit, r: Hruck C'hisladm.
ilapn.v help- and 1'iiristian con-
.vnlatinn et | i: (»i : ,!u.-'i Mary. Eleti-
m- Ro(Mo^ri| Anne of Oreen
(lables, I'dlynnna. I lenr>' Whrin-
e1 <■>'■''>: '■<.;•,:■ v:.:,:vy:!;e. ter Fee'
enhi.il hr Nerdstroid.
And  others.
THE MARCH COVER
The hydrant, an institution
without which the American
way of life would not be complete, is the title of this month's
cover, painted exclusively for
The Reader's Dryretch by Poi-
forio Matogrosso. Mr. Matogros-
so was a noted painter before he
joined the Dryretch staff.
The hydrant was first invented by J. Abernathy Fitch, co-
inventor with Teddy Roosevelt
of the twong pouch. There has
always been a large group however, largely in Britain, who
believe the hydrant was discovered in Van Demen'.s land by
an inteprid British explorer named Captain James Kooulk.
Since its inception on every
American si reel in every American town, the hydrant, despite
assaults by various radical
.croups, has maintained a constant shape and colour, though
there seems to be a division in
various parts of the country as
to how many spi.i;e;ols should
be built  into each  one.
Hreeut tests hnve proved how-
ivcr, that on plue; hydrants are
the best, as they e:uise least in-
convenience to their users, the
doi'.s (»f America. Also, various
moves to chance the prodomin-
; nl cherry coheir of hydrants to
sMiny oilier colour, on the
L'Tiiiiod; ihey are subversive,
failed when cries ol' "We n»usl
not allow ourselves to become
pannicky about Communists" arouse in the .American senate and
house.
Hydrants are alsw sometimes
known as fireplu/'.s
Our Reader's Thank Us
"I'm just a poor farmer," writes Joseph Bromlicker, of
Coose Cape, Ohio, "but somehow I can't help but feel akin to
ail the great people that''read Reader's Drywetch when I thumb
through the priceless volumes that arrive at my house every
month, After seeing the great names that have contributed words
of praise to your fine magazine, I felt that I, just a poor farmer,
who have been immigrated from Russia only these past four
years should write and tell you about this great magazine all
about this great country of America. I love you and America."
The editors of Readers' Dryretch are greatful for these kind
words from Mr. Bromlicker. We hope he will continue to read
Reader's Dryretch and that he will also subscribe to our wonderful condensed books, (see article below).
Wo extend lo him our congratulations for him having come
to pur great country of America.
From a retired colonc-k Being excessively busy witli my
duties as a one-time leader of the American army. I have only
a limited time to devote to, reading. Yet in this very brief time
I am able to acquire a most gratifying reading experience by
.subscribing  to  your  condensed  books.
C.M.C..
-Ruptured Duck, Maryland
From a forest ranger: Sitting all alone by myself 200 leel.
up in the air as I do I became greatly happy when my mother-
in-law seal me a subscription to Reader's Dryrcle'.i. It has helped
while away manv   lonely hours.
RUT..
Dryrnt   Point, Akan^as
From a Imuoewrfe: In the few moments lei! me between
feeding my babies, making telephone calls to mother, getting
supper for my hu.sband's guest.-, and changing the baby I have
found your handy condensations* keep me up lo date on the important going on in the world that 1 otherwise would have mi.ssed.
J.YV.C ,
lhddledy, Oregon
From a leading .statesman: Anion.; the pulp turned out today
hy much ol ihe American press, it is a sated\ im; ploa.sure to see
the fine, upright. Christian, educational writng produced in the
Reader's  Dniefeh. Jawn   Duster Follies es
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60
'GIVE A DOLLAR TO FIGHT THE REDS"
In Europe today, a great war of ideas is being waged
between the forces of Godless Communism, and the
freedom-loving nations of the West.
YOU can help in this war of ideas; the friendship ol
millions of European minds is at stake, and the need is
great. Send a dollar at hnce to the:
c-o the Reader's Dryretch, Pleasureville, N.Y.
'DOLLARS FOR DEMOCRACY FUND
//
UNIVERSITY GRADUATES
ARTS OR COMMERCE
The Hudson's Bay Co. store in Edmonton, Alberta, has
openings for four male graduates in Arts or Commerce.
These men w;lt be trained in merchandising and given
a special course while in training.
A good initial salary offered to men selected. There
are good opportunities for early advancement in the Edmonton .store,
/\o,'l,\   iu writing  to:
The Personnel Superintendent,
The Hudson's Hay Company,
Edmonton, Alta.
01  to the
Personnel Superintendent,
The Hudson's Ba\  Company,
Granville  8. Georgia Sts.,
Vancouver, B.C.
GIFTS tPu)m fadfo SrwsMvu
Watches   by    Bulova,   Gru«n
Pens by Waterman, Parker
Blue Ribbon Diamonds
Expert   Repairs—Guaranteed
10% DISCOUNT TO STUDENTS
752 Granville
MA. 8711 gmmmmi
Ll
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The Sun Slinks  Slow
eral Ascot was commanding h^
men to shoot at anything that
moved.
Bess lay behind lines receiving the already incoming
wounded.
John lay in the front lines trying to get wounded.
For three hours the Confederates charged the hill.
The Union soldiers were run*
ning out of cartridges.
The Confederate soldiers were
running out of breath.
Then, suddcntly, Union reinforcements appeared over the
horizon. The       Confederates
'dropped their mint juleps and
highed it hence to Maryland.
The battle was over. The hill
was saved. John was wounded.
Bess was pooped.
Now came the terrible job of
clearing the debris. Bess was
right in there sorting, out the
wounded from the unrecognizable.
John limped up to her, put his
arm around her hefty shoulders
and smiled.
They walked to the old elm
tree. Turning around and surveying ihe battle . site, they
thought, of Cedro Woolcy. Bul
they both knew .hat soon peace
would reign again.
And Bess stood there beside
the man she loved with tears in
ner eyes and a bottle of iodine
(.hitched in her hand.
She was proud of the role she
had played in the war. And she
knew that her determination and
spunk would be an example to
America's womanhood in future
holoeasts.
Bess and John walked toward
his tent.
Cjc4 9a A W/
By Vicor Norman Chimes
Author of "Pondering's Pretty Powerful."
nothing    uppity    about
Everyone realizes that
in order to be a success, it is necessary to
get on well with people. Yet how many
people ever think of
getting on well with
God?
It's not that most folks don't
appreciate God and his influence. It's just that they don't
ever take advantage of it.
There's a reason for this. In
my meetings with thousands of
miserable, distressed people,
wives who wore discontented,
men who weren't doing well in
business, and clergymen who
badly needed counsel, one thing
has struck me a'gain and again.
There    was    one    misconception
•
held by these people, and it
stood out above all the dozens
of others Ihe poor souls had lie-
fore they came to see me.
It was that they thought of
God as an aloof and distant person, They were afraid to get. to
know him better.
Of the millions of people who
haven't had the good fortune to
hear me speak or read my writings, there must be many more
who are in the same position.
They are shy with God.
This is too bad, because God
isn't really like the person these
people think He is. I've known
Him like a brother for the past
50   years,   and   I   can   tell   you
there's
Him.
He's a good, sensible fellow,
a fellow any Christian would be
proud to know. Believe me, He's
'he sort of fellow you'd never
regret sponsoring for your lodge.
I'm sure all of you know someone whom you always feel at
home with, someone whom you
feel a glow of warmth At meeting, who's always ready to stop
and chat with you about the
weather or your wife.
Sometime he's your garage attendant, sometimes he's a hot
dog stand operator, and some-
limes  he's even  your minister.
Well, God's like that  too.
No sir. He's not like a dull
old schoolmaster, or a stern,
(h-ied-up judge. He's just like
anv other American.
And if yon realize that, you
can obtain more strength for
plain, everyday, common livini:.
Because if you feel nice about
God, you'll talk wilh Him much
more often, and therefore win
Tho   Best   Friend  Of   All.
One of I lie poor souls who
finally was fortunate enough to
come to me for help, was overflowing with gratitude after he
had laken my advice. I had told
him that God was just like any
of the fellows a! the Rotary
Club.
The next time 1 saw him, his
eyes were brighter and his step
was   firmer.   His   business   sales
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98
4.
The Sun Slinks Slow
God Is A Swell Fellow
had jumped nearly 50 percent,
he told jme.
I "No\^ I always talk things
orver with God before I' try to
make ai deal," he said. "I've
found He's a fellow who knows
what business is all about.
"Whenever I feel afraid or
doubtful, I just look upwards
and ask, 'Whaddya soy, God?'
"And He answers me right
hack—though not in words, of
course. But I can almost feel him
throw his arm across my shoulders.
"It only takes a few seconds,
and it sure feels good to know
you've got a guy like God behind
you."
A housewife wrote to me saying that she had spent at least
four hours a day with her
mother during her first year of
marriage. But suddenly, she and
her husband moved hundreds of
miles away.
"I love my husband as well as
any wife can love a husband,"
she said, "but I miss my mother.
She always appreciated my
plight."
I told this poor, lonely and
misunderstood woman about
God-—how He could provide her
with the comfort her mother had
provided—if only she would let
Him.
Six months later, the housewife wrote to me and said: "Mr.
Chimes, you were right. God is
just as understanding as mother
was.
"No matter what George says
or does, I just close my eyes and
talk 10 God. He understands."
Those are examples of how
if you'll only feel free to talk
witli Him—God can be a real
friend.
Why don't you get to know
Him better? You'll find He's a
swell fellow. .
Polio  Victim
White House staffers are fond of telling of the time when
little Jimmy McLaren, a polio victim from Norfolk, Virginia, came
to see the President with a crippled rhildren'j; stamp. The President was in conference al the time, and had a crowded schedule
all that day. But when he heard that little Jimmy had come to see
him, he said, cracking his famous grin, "Tell the little S.O.B. to
no away,"
The shrewdness of Henry Ford, America's greatest businessman, is legendary.
Old employees still tell of the time when Ford's assistants
advised him to put soft seats in next year's model. Old Henry
smiled inscrutably, and said, "Nope, we won't change this year."
Company advisors thought they had been vindicated when
sales dropped a million dollars that year. But Old Henry had the
last laugh. He fired all the advisors for their stupidity.
John took advantage of Bess'
temporary diversion to sneek
away to the General's tent. He
knocked on the tent pole. The
tent fell down. He reassembled
the tent, helped the general to
his leet and executed a brisk
salute.
"What do you want Steele?"
the general spat out.
"Well, sir, you see . . . it's like
this, sir ... I, well that is: she,
I mean Bess . . . Well sir, I've
got a woman in my tent," said
John Steele firmly.
"And I've got a hippopatamus
in my field pack," the general
derided.
"Have you sir. that's interesting." John said.
"No I haven't," said the general. And what do you mean by
stumbling in here and felling me
you've got a woman in your
ten?"
"But I have sir, honest. Her
name's Bess."
A lecherous grin crept over
the general's face.
"Tell me more." he spat out.
"She   wants   to   be   the   regimental nurse." John said.
"All of a sudden I feel "sick,"
spat out the general.
" You mean it's alright?" John
queried.
"Of course, Steele. I'll be glad
to have her. That is, the regiment will be glad to have her.
I mean, glad she's along "
With that John executed an
even brisker salute and ran off
to tell Bess the good news. But
Bess was already busy binding
wounds in the field tent.
It seems she nad dislocated a
hip pitching her tent and was
busily  snapping it   into position
when John appeared in the tent
opening.
"Here, let me," John said.
When Bess was through, the
two lovers strolled out into the •
oncoming gloom of evening.
They sauntered to the base of an
old elm tree and sat down in the
old mud. Ten thousand little
lights twinkled from the tents
below John and Bess.
A gentle fall of rain freshened
the mud.
John turned to Bess. "I , . ,
I . . ." he said.
Bess sensed what he was trying to say. "Yes, John," she said.
"It is a little damp sitting here
in the mud"
He took her hand in his and
pledged his eternal love.
Morning came and Reville was
called. That was the bugler's
name—Broderick Reville. The
evening pickets were returning
from duty and brought with •*
ihem news of a threatened Confederate counter-offensive.
Julep's forces were determined to recapture Bunkum Hill at
all costs.
Bess reoeived the news bravely. This was to be her supreme
test. She tested her splints, laid
out her Girl Guide Handbook
and filled up her mussick in
readiness for the battle.
John, in the meantime, was
looking for a dry fox hole. Failing this, he decided to check on
Bess.
The Confederates charged the
hill in droves. Julep could be
heard above the melee ordering
his men to hold fire until they
saw the whites of their foe's
eyes.
At the same time Union Gen-
57 Li
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VZ
THE    UNION    SOLDIERS
were pitching their tents after
the battle.
The hill had been captured
after ten messy hours of warfare with the Confederate battalion.
Colonel J. Scott Julep's forces
had been repulsed finally, but
not before many of Lincoln's
best had left for that no-man's-
land in 'the sky.
Tail, gaunt John Steele of the
Cedro Wooley Fifth, had just
pitched his tent and was picking
it up when his eye caught sight
of a dainty buttoned shoe sloshing toward him through the
mud.
He looked up. It was Bess.
He couldn't believe his battle-
weary eyes. But there she was,
bent under the weight of her
Trapper Nelson, pack.
His memory shot back two
vears when he had last seen
Bess.
It was at the little railroad
junction outside Cedro Wooley.
His battalion was leaving to do
battle with the Confederates
and hasty goodbyes were being
said all over the place.
He was tenderly looking into
the tender eyes of tender Bess—
tendering his farewell.
Then, with a final wave he
jumped  aboard  the tender.
But here she was: 30 miles behind enemy lines. "What on
earth is she doing here?" John
though.
"I bet you wonder what on
earth I'm doing here." Boss said.
John tried to cover up his
amazement. He started lo speak.
He was about to comment on the
weather vvh.cn Bess commanded.
"Don't try to cover up your
amazement," she said.
"I've come because I wont to
do ray part in the war. Aftet yoa
left I took a St. John's Ambulance course, John, and I'm here
to be the regimental nurse."
The winter afternoon was
growing chilly. Union banners
were gently waving in the
breeze. Row on row of tents
stretched off into the distance.
It looked like a Boy Scout Jan»-
boree.
Bess was beginning to shiver
in her cut-away calico dress.
She looked at John Steele. He
had changed.
"I'm glad he's not wearing
that searsucker mackinaw anymore," Bess mused.
But he had changed in appearance also. That boyish chin
was gone.
"Probably shot off," Bess
thought.
John's eyes had lost their
youthful sparkle. He had seen
much these past two years Bess
mused.
John gazed at her as in a
trance.
"My eyes have lost that youthful sparkle," he said at length.
John's stutter caused him to
say most things at length,
"You can't stay here Bess,"
John said, it's . . . It's . . . well
it's highly unethical."
"I can and I will" Bess said,
"Look, I brought my own pair
of splints."
"If you slay, you'll have to dig
your own urinal. Bess."
"Look, I brought ny rwn urinal, too," Bess said waving it over
her head.
Bess had thought of everything John  mused.
By this time Bess was iitrious-
ly unpacking her Trapper Nelson.
Can COTC Defend Our Country?
Condensed   from   Brownshirt
By Major-General A. W. F.
Webley-Vickers,
DSO, VD, OC, BVD and Bar
The problem of defending
Canada from outside aggression
has long been a tumour gnawing
at the brains of the Very Senior
officers of the Canadian army.
It is a problem no longer; the
tumour has been removed, the
danger is gone.
Threats from the massed bad
people from Communasia; dastardly Granium bombs: virulent
sororities, and the like, thanks
to a great new discovery, no
longer endanger the Canadian
way of life.
The noted military strategist
Officer Cadet Peter Birkett of
UBC, has revealed startling
never-before-realized facts, Says
he:
"The only insurance for peace
on earth is NOT good will, but
the university service contingents. A Merchant Marine bunch,
the gallant COTC, and some
other conglomeration, are the
sole reasons why we have not
been plunged into war. They.
Sen.   McCarthy   and   Bill   War-
One oi the country's most
brilliant military man affirms
tha dynamic strength of our
forces.	
wick are busy safeguarding Canada   from  the   Russians."
This reliable statement has
further been substantiated by
Pilot Officer-to-be Art Burgess,
who has compiled figures to
prove that university contingents ALONE have the personnel
to defeat any enemy—mole,
female, or vice-versa.
This statistical expert has
proven conclusively, through a
clever use of perms and corns,
that Canada far outnumbers the
remainder of the world in military strength. For example, university officers are six times as
intelligent as the Russian peon;
12 times as lazy, twice as poor
and eat 11 times the quantity of
the Russian. These few illustrations clearly show that one contingent trainee is equal to innumerable Commies.
An investigating committee
composed of Googie Newhouse,
Baba Keeler, and Joosie Peterson—the well-known    Group of SZ ."*
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8S
Can COTC Defend Our Country?
Three"—have carried out exten-
, sive research into the doing of
UNTD, COTC, and USR (RCAF)
and their findings are as shocking, in their own right, as those
of Dr. Kinnard's report.
One evening each week the
services gather to perform their
obscene rituals. Once a week
only. Russian counterparts practice eight nights a week. Individually then, we are eight
times the calibre of the Reds.
Not only that, but of those
interview, 96.5% had not only
.' .«en the movie "From Here To
Eternity." but had also read the
book—and enjoyed both. Ninety-
nine and 44 somethings or other
percent, considered "Forever
Amber" fit for the nursery. Only
.3% of contingent members had
attempted "War and Peace." (He
was later proven by psychology's Dr. McKay to be a half
wit, who almost failed Music
300).
In the light of these confidential findings the Mighty Mites
guiding Canada's defensive destiny, have relaxed. As one experienced defense-conscious expert says:
"U.B.C, with an enrollment
of over 5000 heads, has almost
300 in the university services
—nearly 6%. Since about 10%
of this 6% plan to make the military a career on graduation, it
can be seen that Canada has an
ample supply of trained leaders."
"UBC's record in contributing
to the military forces of Canada,
rates as superior to mose universities operating a similar pro*
gram." It makes a feller think.
Nation-wise, no less an authority than retired Admiral Albert
Q. Sorghum, has perhaps suggested that .021% of our population is COTC trained to some
degree for defense and warfare.
"When one considers," says
he, "that with .021% of Canadians of such a calibre to defend the North American masses, there are absolutely no worries. Russia requires 94.3% of
their population for defense.
"Figures also prove that in a
disaster close to .01% of those
involved, will know what they
are doing. Mighty encouraging,
I say."
This data has been released
for the first time after careful
political evaluation—much in
the manner of the Yalta releases. Arthur Nachtigal, a leading civilian, re-iterates the attitude of Canada's authorities
when he states: "Unless we practice being civilians to the exclusion of the military, it is unlikely that we will never defend
Canada."
There is little doubt that
UNTD, COTC and the USR
(RCAF) are ample in every respect to safeguard the borders
of the world hockey champions.
THE SUN SLINKS
SLOW
THE PEOPLE SPEAK
Nobody would accuse this year's Council of being jackasses,
but have you heard Ron Bray lately?
By ROSE LATOUTE
A stirring book-length feature of one woman's struggle
against most everything during the somewhat hectic civil
war days in United States.
55 ee
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The mighty ape, now Children,
see,
He's searching  for  the  modest
flea.
Were he  to turn  around,  we'd
find,
«
He has no hair on his behind.
—From Zoo Monthly
A religious  girl  is  one  that
sows her wild oats on Saturday
night,   and  goes   to  church  on
Sunday to pray for a crop fail-
»       ure.
Liberace  has   bought   a   new
castle   in   Scotland;   it's   called
*•     "Ben Doon."
"Mary, Mary will you get up,"
"But Mother, I'm not able."
"Mary, Mary, you must get up,
We need the sheet for the table.!'
^       A  naughty  little  sparrow,
To impress his girl one day,
Made an  extra deposit
On a brand new Chevrolet.
Don't yell through the screen
door, Mother, you'll strain your
voice.
Now   crabs,    are   very   crafty
beasts,
They thrive at logging camps.
They   nip  at  all  your   private
parts.
The nasty little scamps.
A customer walked into a
drug store, and asked of the
clerk, "Do you handle contraceptives here?" The clerk replied. "Yes we do sir."
"Then wash your hands, and
sell me a chocolate bar."
In olden times, clergymen
with tapeworm were known as
heavenly hosts.
Seen in a Vancouver newspaper's obituary columns: "Mr.
Jones, a great lover of horses,
is survived by his wife and two
daughters."
A civil service worker, famous around the office for his
long morning sessions in the
men's washroom, was found missing one morning as the employees gathered around the pool
table for a lunch time game. On
searching for the their fellow
worker, his compatriots discovered only a saddle shoe clad
foot projecting from the toilet
bowl. Upon searching through
his family records his fellow
workers discovered he was of
kingly descent, on his mother's
side. "Poor Sam," one man remarked on hearing this, "he always was a poor poker player,
you might have known his last
play would be a royal flush.
—Bennet Surf
TfWs jCfeAke ?
AFTER CAREFUL consultation with a noted psychologist,
my wife and I decided we would
cure our two children of their
diametrically opposed outlooks
on life by the amount of toys
we would put under their Christmas tree. Under Willy, the pessimist's tree, I put toy trains, a
bicycle, Jane Russell and ten
year's subscription to the Reader's Dryretch. Under the optimist's tree I put a bag of horse
leavings. On Christmas morning
my wife and I came out to see
how our sons were taking it.
The pessimist was his usual self,
grumbling because, he hadn't got
Bob Waterfield too, but the optimist was running happily around clutching his bag. "Daddy,"
he cried, joyfully, "look what
Santa lett me. I know I've got
a pony, but I can't find him."
Rodney Bennett-Surf, New York
A NEGRO SOLDIER of my
acquaintance, returning after serving with the American army
in Germany for three year*,
shouted for joy when he spied
the Statue of Liberty holding
her torch of freedom high. As
we sailed up Long Island sound
in #the bright summer morning
he turned to me, and flashing
his pearly white teeth, said "boy,
ah shoah is glad to be home in
America." After looking at the
intense gratitude that was so
apparent in his face, I felt glad
too, to be home in our free America, where men of all colours
can walk on the same street and
even eat together.
F. A. Jnkes,
Lt. Marine Corps.
LAST SUMMER, when we
were touring the mountain
country of Tennessee, we paused
to ask directions of a picturesque
old mountaineer who was lying
in the sun, with an old hound-
dog at his feet. "Pardon, me."
we asked him, but could you tell
us the way to Nashville?"
"Waaaal," he drawled, "You
take that road down there for
about three miles, turn left at
the gas station, and follow that
road right into Nashville." We
thanked him, and resumed our
journey. We followed the road
down to the gas station, turned n ■ .
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That's Life Liktf
Canada—Land of Snow and Ice
left,  and  presently,  we-arrived
in Nashville.
This is so exceptional, we
thought we'd tell the Reader's
Dryretch about it.
—Mrs. C. M. Terrier
I WAS WALKING home from
Church one cold winter's day a
few years ago, bravely slogging
through heavy North Dakota,
thc snowdrifts, which made
walking well-nigh impossible.
Just as Ihe first flakes of a coming storm promised to make my
walk ten times more uncomfortable, a battered old T-Ford pulled up beside me, and a kindly
old man bade me get in.
I thanked the twinkling-eyed
1 Id gentleman, and we soon
struck up a lively conversation.
Presently, I Jinked, "How is it
that an old gentleman like your-
seil is out in this raging snowstorm, on such an inclement Sunday morning?"
Shucks," he replied with a
chuckle, "I've been doing this
for eleven .vear. It's tiie biggest
inn I gel out of life." And with
lhal. h<- nosaulted me, snatched
my purse, and with a merry
laugh, threw me into a snowbank and drove off down the
road.
Mrs   L.  P.   Wacco.
V.UKX IMY SON returned
home from Korea lo our small
town in the Soiithwesl. he was
greeted hv the town band, whose
members had gathered al tiie
railroad slat ion to welcome him
home. As he stepped from the
railroad ear. his war bag in his
hand, the band started a stirring rendijion of "When Johnny
Comes   Marching   Home."     His
wife ran to him with the child
he'd never seen before, the mayor shook his hand, the boy
scouts gave him three cheers,
leading the people gathered
there, He puked and die*.
Abigail Wiklit. Fishfoot
OLD BEN, who had been postmaster in our small town of
Three Forks, Louisiana since the
Confederates were tricked out
of Fort Sumpter. had made it
a practice every Christmas to
send a Christmas card to everyone in Three Forks. It was a
great surprise therefore last
Christmas when wo discovered
no cheery card in the mails.
When we went to see what could
have kept Old Ben from his
yearly habit we found him sitting in his living room, rocking
in his favourite chair. "Bon,
why didn't you send us a card
this year," we asked. Feeble
with age, Old Ben paused in his
rocking, laid aside his pipe, drew
himself up like a soldier and
said, "None of your goddamned
business."  .
George Peebles,
For each anecdote published
in this department, The Reader's
Dryretch will pay $10 and fourteen subscriptions to our new
handy booklet "How lo sell the
Dryretch to your friends and
make money for Christmas presents." Contributions must be
true, not published more than
six times previous in the Dryretch, teach a fine Christmas
moral, be screemingly funny,
and depict life in our great American scene. Address That's
Like Life? Editor, The Reader's
Dryretch. 115 Beaver Ball Hill,
Duplessisville, Quebec.
have taken the American initiative and are combatting the red
menace before it gets a chance
to win over many of the natives.
The fight valiantly to maintain their simple institutions in
the face of the godless onslaught
and by combining sound American advice and their own native cunning they have, managed
to hold the vile pandered of
equality at bay.
The avxerage "Canadian" is
still a pretty uncivilized individual however. He has no conception of law and order and is
willing if not eager to speak
his mind on any subject.
Remarkable advances have
been made in this field however
and experts agree that it will
not be IcTng before the Canadian
will have learned to keep his
mouth shut.
Many Americans find Canada
an ideal vacation spot. In the
dark, brooding forests, and the
sweeping majesty of the snow-
swept plains, they find an ideal
outlet for the tensions built up
in   our   helter-skelter   Society.
The native girls of Toronto,
Montreal and Vancouver exhibit
a slender cat-like grace which
often proves attractive to the
American connoisseur. They
siddle up to the Americans, and
prove very receptive to cheap
presents and a few kind words.
The most interesting facet of
Canadian life are the "Moun-
ties," an organization which are
not unlike our Federal,.Slrreau
of Investifartion. Americans
love them for their brilliant red
coats,' and their dashing manner
when mounted upon a horse.
(Attorney General Brownell has *
stated that the color of the coats
has no political significance).
But despite their picturesque
appearance, the "Mounties" t
have serious work to do, and
spend'"'much of their time sub- 1
duing red-sponsored fanatics
known as the "Sons of Freedom" with clubs and fists.
The subject of "Canadian *
Culture" is of more than passing concern to American Anthropologists. Most Canadians
are very concerned with the
issue.. The subject of a national *
symbol is much discussed in
tribul pow-vvows and many bitter arguments ensue.
Recently a movement was
afoot to make all Canadians
adopt the "tooke" a type of
stocking cap, to symbolize their #
nationality. Most east-central
Canadians were in favor of the
move since they already wore
the device but the western Can- ,«
adiuiis rejected the idea and
retained their traditional tweed
headdress.
You can see that Canada is
indeed a land of mystery but
given the opportunity to absorb
the benefits of American culture *
it will no doubt one day take
its place in the great American
commonwealth of peace loving
nations and someday, perhaps,
it ipay become the 50th state!
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02
52
CANADA-
Land  of Snow and  Ice
poach.
By Al Can
♦Condensed   from   Our  World
No  one   will   deny -that   the
| United States of Americsf is the
I greatest   nation   on   Earth,   but
IBw many Americans realize that
there   is  another  country  right
here in North America, directly
| to  the  North  of  us,  known  as
Canada.
There is.
f Canada is a land ox snow and
ice, inhabited by a hardy race
of people who manage to eke
out an existence on the barren
soil of an unhospitable land.
The territory abounds in mountains, ice and snow. The natives make their living by hunting, fishing and gathering, and
are of cour.se in a state of great
poverty.
The territory is bounded on
the West by the Pacific Ocean,
bn tho East by the Atlantic, on
the North by the Arctic Ocean,
and on the fioulh—by us.
% In the middle, of course, are
Hit: plain.-., mountains and barren
val'eys where the natives eke
out their existence by hunting,
fishing and g itherinR, and subsist  in  a state of great poverty,
Of course, a number of native
settlements—or "cities" as they
call them — have arisen in the
past few centuries; many of
these are worthy of mention.
First of all is Tauronto; this
is i\ settlement on the Eastern
part of the territory. The natives of this settlement have
developed    a    strange    cultural
norm; they are a nation in
themselves, and consider themselves highly civilized. American explorers have established
a number of missionary schools,
such as the "University of Toronto, where such subjects as
Basic American, Elementary
Hygiene, Effective Living and
Subway Construction are also
taughl. Many of the "students"
at this institution have shown
great promise, and have emigrated to Our Country to. develop
further skills to benefit their
native   homeland.
Many self-sacrificing American althuisls are employed in
teaching "Canadians" the rudiments of civilization, They
help them to help themselves by
cutting down their forests, hollowing out thc mineral resources with which the region
abounds, and bringing the blessings of American culture and
free enterprise tu this backward region.
Simple picture magazines
such as "Cullyors," "Live," and
for the more culturally advanced natives, "Slime," show what
sound American principles can
accomplish, even in a backward
country.
Naturally, Communists have
infiltrated the territory, attempting to corrupt the simple natives with their filthy red lies,
Fortunately, a few tribal chieftains, such as "Feathers Black-
more" and ' Tillicum" Fleming,
By Astrophelia  Slutchrump
Outside, the bitter March wind
whistled by the
Aggie barns, rustling the branches
and petticoats of
the milkmaids. It
waS a bitter cold
night.
Inside, nestled in a corner of
a stall she shared with Hespon-
ia, the campus cream champ,
Molly was experiencing that
prime moment of a bitch's life.
Warm in a nest of fragrant,
hay she was giving birt'i (for
the 18th time) to six little pep-
pics. Her only sorrow was lhal
the father, George, a one eyed
companian of a lower Keofer
Street bookie, was not there to
share  her happiness.
But in her humble joy little
did she know that her fourth
pup, a wreched little black and
white thing, was to become famous. Out of the resentment for
thc absence of the father, who
was at that time making headway on another litter, she called   him   George.
Condensed from Hydrant
A faithful dog gets literally
kicked around by thc cleats
of ill-ttmeil fate.
From that humble beginning.
Gcor.v;e. the. unwanted dog, was
to rise to great, heights as the
campus' lwvit illustrious pooch.
His was a hard lot. Nobody
wanted the ugly little pup. From
cow stall to cow stall he wandered, driven by his mother',
coldness to seek nursery elsewhere.
Bui h;s teeth were too sharp.
Finally, after lying starving for
a week' under the engineering
hihio,,!;; in' was Liken to lite
bo-om   of  a   home-ec   major.
She fed him by bottle throughout the summer, using her hard
won rarnin.s from Lanselowne
to sustain the unhappy pup.
Ooroy became a faithful dog,
as only true lovers of dogs know
how a  afithful  dog  can  be.
But came the fall. With the
warm autumn breezes gently
blowing   down   and   laying   to
9 et
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10
The Red Menace To Our Highways
Geor«;c, the Ever-Lovin' Pooch
rest the russet leaves, with campus co-eds walking lovingly arm
in arm with campus males, with
San Francisco Tailors telling the
world there were only 100 shopping days till Christmas, came
the call to George of his lifelong   vocation.
It happened this way. Accompanying his mistress on an afternoon stroll, past -the stadium,
George was alerted by a strange
sound not unlike the sound of
a bull-calf butting his mother in
the bag. At the thought of food,
George broke away and raced
into the stadium, looking for a
cow.
But instead what he found was
50 perspiring young men, fresh
m their football pants and clean
Jerseys, punting away at foot-
tails. With hanging tongue, open
mm ilii (which is natural with
ii hanging tongue), and wagging
tail, George watched the I'oot-
bals spiralling into the clear
blue   sky.
He forsook his mistress, he
forsook his nightly hoi toddy.
?h- uns in love. All through the
pi'ieliee season he never left the
stadium grass. (Which left, Ihe
grounds committee with some
problem >.
lie lived on old tapes and
dressings from the stadium, not
daring to leave. George was in
love wi'h the brown and white
footballs that the men tossed
;\nd   kicked  and carried.
Suffering from near-sightedness, incurred when a tooth-
anguish Arabelle had belted him
will a right forefoot, George
imagined the spirals to be female
pooches.
Thus he stood his ground on
the stadium, only allowing the
players to play with his beloved
charges. But ardent swain as he
was, George did not have the
courage to make advances to
one of the supposed cauine
ladies. With his love silent in his
heart, he stood on the sidelines,
hoping they would notice his
brave vigil.
Once the season started, it was
hard for him to reconcile strange
players carrying on with his beloved. But he held his emotion
in dick and stood courageously
by the side. When the team was
not home for the weekend,
George was a picture of dejection as he stood, head down on
the lonely, rainy field.
But the fans grew to love
George. They cheered him as he
stood staunchly every Saturday
afternoon by the field. Sometimes they even jeered, but they
couldn't know the love in his
faithful  heart.
The season's end saw George
a rlejeeted lover. The stadium
grass was allowed to continue
growing, no shod bonis marred >
its solemn sward. The advent of
the Kngiish rugby players and
their totally undainty spheroid
waked Ins ardour not at till. The
ball just was not  the same.
And so the seasons passed.
The team continued to lose and
George continued to love from
afar, living only for the fall
months, and hibernating in a discarded Fort Camp home brew
vat   the  rest of the year.
The passing of the years could
not dampen George's love. He
remained faithful. Gradually, he
grew more daring. Occasionally
tion the wheels of an underground movement designed to
increase the highway death rate
and shatter that moral courage
of Americans — making them
easy prey for a sneak red attack.
The red plan, as outlined in
secret orders recently unearthed
by the FBI, entails a threefold
method of assault.
First: Infiltration. Communists
and communist sympathizers
have infiltrated state and municipal highway commissions. Under the guise of "public interest''
Ihey have opposed many low
cost, short term road building
plans by free-enterprise, businessmen. Calling instead for
"Federal   Action."
Communist "economic experts" have wormed their way
into positions of confidence m
state legislatures and have aided
their craven comrade.-, on the
highway boards by stating thai
lax cuts and expensive road
building programs cannot be reconciled. When everyone knows,
what is needed is just a little
havd-hoaded  business sense.
In an insidious plot. Reds
have infiltrated state driver licencing bureaus and have given
out Driver- licences to aued. incapacitated and blind citizens.
Blind and myopic Communists
are also encouraged to hy party-
directive to operate motor vehicles, and are given licences by
Iheir comrades in the testing
stations.
The second phase of the plait
consists of active sabotage by
the Reds. In addition to placing
blind party member drivers on
the highways, the Reds operate
thousands of slow jalopies, of
the type that killed Oilstove.
But some Americans — albe«
it unwittingly — are aiding the
Reds.
t
Hundreds   of   well   meaning
American   contractors   help  tha
Commies by giving way to the
always-present temptation to cut
costs.
The  collapse  of  the  highway   -
bridge   near   Mongoose1   Al..   resulting  in  the  death  of 83  persons,  is but one example,
But Americans should not be  „
too alarmed by these astounding
revelations  --  shocking   though
they are.
Groups -of public spirited citizens, like the Ammuurican Legion and Rotary ably aided by
the FBI are combining to root
out the subversives. In addition, t
bands of Vigilantes are falling
back on the old American tradition of sell-reliance and are patrolling the highways of our na- -*
tion administering speedy end-
of-lhe-rope justice to owner.*, of
old model ears.
Wise, Godfearing presice nl;
Kisenhower, in his wisdom e.as
just created new free enterprise,
Highway Authorities that will *
soon become more powerful than
government agencies, and thus
frustrate the Reds.
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81
M
George, the Ever-Lovin' Pooch
The  Red  Menace To
Our  Highways
By James  Burn'em
Author of the Wet of Submersion
a One dusky evening last summer, Max Oilstove, a travelling
snatchbook salesman from Hern
Indiana, was motoring through
the peaceful countryside,
As he sped down  the broad
p new superhighway, a monument
to American free enterprise, he
was thinking of his family, and
the joy of his children, when he
gave  them" the  presents he  al-
., ways brought on his return from
a trip.
But Max Oilstove never reached his home. A few miles outside
Hern, he came upon a slow old-
model jalopy, driven by an obvious foreigner with foam flecked lips.
• Oilstove tooted his horn and
blinked his lights. But the old
jalopy showed no inclination to
move   over   and   let   him   pass.
» Finally, his frustrations mounting higher and higher, he wrenched his wheel over and pulled
rmte the other side oi thc highway He didn't, notice he was
rounding a curve.
Suddenly he saw the lights of
.    n   Tomato   juice   truck   directly
* ahead. He tried to avoid it, but
the old jalopy frustrated his attempts to move back. There was
a sickening scream of brakes, a
- tearing crash, and the mortal remains of Max Oilstove were mixed with 50,000 tins of Libby's
premium quality.
A.s the old jalopy pulled slow-
The noted Anti-Communist
author reveals a startling new
Red threat to our free institutions.
ly away from the sticky red
stain that was slowly covering
the highway, a sardonic smile
twisted the foam-flecked lips of
the foreigner.
Another good American had
been murdered by the Communist highway butchers!
The sloppy sticky tear-jerking scene carried on by Mrs. Oilstove when her husband's
"gentle pressed" remains were
brought home is being repeated
all over this great nation.
For while Americans have
been fighting communists in government the crafty red villans
have been striking at our free
institutions through our highways.
Red subversion has made the
highways of America more dangerous than ever before. Even
the astounding death toll of the
post-war era, when paper-thin
tires, worn out cars and improperly set traffic lights combined
to hurl millions of Americans to
their just reward, cannot match
today's record number of deaths.
The Reds decided on the highways as an easy means to overthrow the American way of life
when they saw the astounding
number of Americans that were
be hig killed every year, without
tin ir     'Ip.
1'lu.y   mmediately set in mo-
he would bark during the games.
Once he even chased a ball,
though a husky fullback thwarted his only amorous overture by
kicking him out of the way.
"Yip, yip," George said, heartbroken.
Then came the year of television. George became famous to
thousands of armchair fans. His
black and white form, trotting
majestically across the end zone,
was a CBUT landmark.
But George is gone now, gone
to that little old kennel in the
sky, where forever his puppy
dish shall be filled with Dr. Billiards, and playfull Pekinese
mince forever by his door.
Next vear, when the football
season swings once again into all
its frustration, when the fireside
fan once again takes up his glass
of Schweppes, and yells "Let's
go, Birds" and his wife yells,
"John, shut up, er I'll use yer
head for breadboard, can't you
see I'm feedin' the baby," no
more will millions see the faith-
full George.
There is a time, the Good Book
says, when all must go, and
George has gone. It was in tha
last game of the season he passed
to his reward. And he fell a victim to his own desires.
He was standing resolute by
the sidelines, watching the players mauling his sweetheart. The
bands were playing, the fans
were cheering and George's
heart was swelling with the
majesty of the occassion.
Suddenly, fired by the spirit
that seized all, George gave a
gallant "woof, woof," and
streaked over the muddy field
to his beloved. With panting
breath, determined to be put off
no longer, he dashed between
the two snarling lines.
He knocked the f>all from the
UBC center's*hands. Excited by
the fury of the play, unperspec-
five of the change, the centre
snapped back a wondering
George. The quarterback placed
the ball and the kicker stepped,
swung, and lifted George end
over end towards the goal posts.
The crowd roared as the ball
(so they thought) sored aloft.
Then they groaned as it fell
short and wide. In the ensuing
scramble the real ball was discovered and play resumed.
Unknown, unmourned, and
dead, George lay on the ground.
The game was over, UBC had
lost, and the crowd filed sadly
out.
But a Home Ec girl, hearing
his pitiful yeip above the point-
hungry roar of the crowd, came
back at night. She found poor
George laying broken and cold
on the field. Crying out against
cruel fate she took him in her
arms. But all in vain. No warmth
could wake the still form.
So with weeping and red-
rimmed eyes, she buried George
in the centre ot the field, hoping
he would be able to always be
near his beloved one. (She didn't
believe in this Heaven .stuff,
being educated).
Thus it is that George now
lies in the field. The fans don't
know it, no flowers grow over
his giave.
Only at night, when (he people
have gone and left the stadium
to the breezes and birds, does
George awake. His ghost rises
from the grave and trots slowly
to his old stand in the end zone.
ft.-* . Ll
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t*
12
I first met Sergei in Nebraska. He introduced himself as
Sergei O'Flannigan. a repentant
Fennian. and so enthralled was
I with his suave mannerisms and
charm that I took the bounder
for his word.
His real name was Sergei II-
lianovich—and you know who
he was named after . . .
I should have sensed his sub-
versiveness right off. When I
saw him reading "New Republic'
I should have realized what it
meant.
When he started taking his
coffee in a samovar, I should
have caught on.
When he started using a sickle
to mow the lawn. 1 should have
sensed sometime.; v.',is amiss.
When he taught our 11 sons
to sing 'Tiie International' in
three-part harmony, I should
have known him for the dirty,
rotten, subversive, anarchistic,
side-winder that he was ,  , .
Bui 1 lewd him: the dirty,
rotten, subvirsive. anarchistic,
.side-winder that   he  was.
My honest, sincere, thoroughly
American love blinded mc.
I Married
Sergei
By Mrs. Sergei O'Flannigan
Behind the scenes with Mrs.
Sergei O'Flannigan and her
dirty, rotten, subversive, anarchistic husband.
And for 30 years he took advantage of this. He used me as
a cover-up for his bomb plots,
spying, assinalions. and leaflet
distribution.
In reality, as the whole world
knows today, he was a dirty,
rotten, subversive, anarchistic,
side-winder <o( an NKVD agent
—the dog!
He used to sneak out at nights
and I naively passed this off
merely as unfaithfulness. But in
reality he was grinding out
pamphlets.
One morning as I was going
-.hrough his pockets and found a
stylos and some carbon paper—
1 should have known . . .
When he put on thai brown
.-h 'I and red scarf, before going
■■;,. of an evening, he told me
n v us jusl his scniii troop meet-
in,.' uighl. lie lold me red stood
lor Beaver Park.
The banners he brought home
'.un passed off as residue from
, •• old jamboree.
! often wondered why tiie
B<:.v<r Pack wanted to slop the
Practical economics
at "MY BANK",
where students' accounts are
welcome. You can open an
account for as little as a
dollar.
Bank of Mon trial
(Canada a *?6%4t 'Sank
Of
m
WORKING    W I
CANAOIANS    IN    FVfRY    WALK    Or    tiff    SINCf    I rt 1
MERLE C. KIRBY
Manager
Your Bank on ihe Campus ...
In the Auditorium Building
4!) f.,' ■ ■       ■
puipo   jaqpue   .ta;p   jopajjp
auo    'mou XpsBa auieo s;.iBd
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snpaS aq; snqx 'aauans pjaMB
ub o; Xbm 3ab8 sjaaus pua sassyq
aq; 's;.tBd aq; jo auo Xpto 8ut
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japua; 'iujbm aqy 'XBjd 8uuds
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(pa o; psq d «nqsor ';uap; jo
uopsajddns b qans moubmk ox
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jo pjjom b puaput pa;n;t;sqns
Pub 'paiuuojfAua itBtjsuqo
b jo ODuaiiTjut outosatoq.w oq;
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m
48
I Married Sergei
The Man Who Became A Legend
spent the rest of his life drinking yaks' milk )"
Heber had known from the
very beginning that he would
become great. After all, when
one springs from the womb
with full grown feel, size seventeen, one is marked for distinction.
First he thought of following
the I'amnu.i footsteps of Uncle
Willie Arooga, but the Upper
Mongolians protested, so he decided to stay in B.C, For awhile
lie woi ked in the Okanagan,
pressing apples inlo juice for a
local buy hy the name of Wacky
FUmmult. 'He was called Wacky
hecause one day'he was discovered turning oul "funny money'1
on a hand press. However, he
hoe:' heeanie famous as a builder
:.!' railroads and three-lane
liridg.-s.i
It was al a party one summer
i v ;■ when he v a ,: >\;^' fourteen
- a- eld lint 1','. !>, r diseovi red
hahli ■ : •: i ■. ■ • 11. Wiole .-ailing
■ ; li'-i eeiiei: wilh a ■■.i.'l ICUned
.\, I. '\l; '. pi i Mi ii-ii ie he found
.!'..' he wi-uid oil in rap! las-
i io.' I ion I'";- 11 m i p s vi hi le he
Miek   d   her   e,: len   with   his   big
oomiUH'      a   :ulep'    a I
I.,.'   :    thai    even    his
-,i jueals   of   (le ■
a .  vvmn in ;  c. e-
tli-     e!'..',,am e
:,m d l>.r er.-.u
• n r s. ruck.
la. n ml ni'nim1
: I', I. e sie ex h ibi ■
lie well I,mm n didoler,
i-.   Hot lie, -I o.   He he f   ran
t
si lilted      (-h uh.iiit        leu
V   i :
I
'eme   ! ,
:ion  l»v
,\s-f >er::il
n n i     ;,
; I,
'hi!!
which he had won in the district
playoffs. The impact of stubbing
his toes shattered windows and
crockery for a considerable distance and was recorded as an
earth tremor as far away as central Peru.
Two weeks later, when thc
doctors had finished with Heber,
he lay sadly contemplating what
was left of the invincible size
seven teens and thought that
never again would he hear the
enraptured "shrieks of a girl
being diddled by his second toe
from the right.
But one day the surgeon. Dr.
Oliver All-over, who carved
worlen voodoo dolls to keep his
en! ting arm in trim, gave Heber
a marvellous present---eight
beautiful wooden laes painted
like .Tello flavors. With a joylul
er,\ Holier pu; them on (all on
one foot' and danced about
singing  and   shouting,   "Now   I'll
(Ml    I',(I
tut
ii     in mou-,   a ix |   i
ternian's show."
So I'e practised and practised
and soon h- had roaster, d | h(-
: ieh' d( lie!..us flavors aim' could
.-■trok" an mstcp with an> ot'
Ihem (however, he seldom used
ihe I :oie because once someone
on •:,,,.k i: for a chlorophyll table ' iekine. In his lool and there-
e' I' a' be had a complex about
11. •
Al'mr w inning all the footsie
I it '.- he could find, 1 leber
v Pin h'i -w ' (> a ne -unlain i m real
m 1,; an \'alli \ . Occasionally his
; "hi siawv s up niys'ei iousl i in
a I'i'lio ppblieat ion called bie
t'b- - i \ wil h the strange ad\'iee
lii.'i' "\<ni should know this
man '    The red  is si lence.
US   grab   of   B.C.'s   natural   re-,
sources ...
He told me the picture of Stalin over the mantlepiece was
one of the Marx brothers. He
told me those bombs were bowling balls—I often wondered why
they had wicks . . .
He used to "have the boys over
tor poker," he said. I can see
them now; sitting around thc
dining room table in their greatcoats,   shuffling   leaflets.
But when he started playing
Russian Roulette with Ihe kids
1 started watching him.
For the first time I realized
that our radio was rigged for
.short wave. Thai's why wc kepi
gelling   Gypsy   music.
For the first lime I realized
"Kozachok" wasn't really Ihe
naiinn's all time favorite. After
all those vears.
And I found out thai Ihe
steppes weren't in Texas, aud
teat. hor-.em;m   wasn't   llop.deng.
Bul one day he went too far.
We were watching tie hear-
iegs   on   Tcevee   and   he   laughed
' es, h< laughed al The -Sou-
a! "iv
g'lii ;'".-;t is nisloi's I inunedi-
; :. h   ri'iiliu'li d  the  Fill.
Thee be'Sin lho,r eudle-a <\.,s<,
ut \- utim.g I think lu giew sus
! ieii .ii v. le. n 1 lei e.:hl 'hai
hmm-ygim. Ihd I pa.--.ed it ell
as jusl a silly whim ol  'nine. ^•;<\
.In    ,-   Wei'. ■   ea-.ed   for  a   while
When I tiale lied lulcl uphoue ;
i all ( car ro. ens hi-, dirty. i^: en ,
■ i - hwr.-'i'- e, ana rob is! io -; -pi-
i mn.s  were again  aroused.
I me. i v or    I   passed   I' o -.   ell   a
? ! 11--w.m    and    I ii i il.gs    were   ea -e, I
i'    wr.    . ai l>    when    th.     FBI
'' • ri ,v   a cmi h si m - mnd 1 m    :e m.-i
.up ; oek : o heal big  him up p- i .
odically. that Sergei started acting s.rangely  toward  me.
I could sense his evil mind
plotting my destruction.
I took to sleeping with the
tommy gun under my pillow.
This did nol make him any less
suspicious I can tell you.
He started sleeping with his
little Gurgi automatic under his
pillow.
Our double bed turned inlo an
armaments  race.
But then the good, old, vigilant, nuck-muving, alert F'P.i
moved  in.
Ti ■■ 1 rsi thing Ihey did was
(o arrest our 1 1 indoctrinated,
brainwashed  children
N' xt. thev -ubpov :ed Set gei
and ei'fm ed him liberty for inform bios.
He chose information, s(< thev
gn V" ii un al! the dope on Ru-' aa
I ho.v eon Id i splamed Ge r "'a I
Molo!.-. o,a\o idni a leat'lel 1).\'
Tis on S :e-ai and th-'ew in tw o *
tick' -is   I "   "(', H\ s   and   Doll ;."
Si i e1 sii vv he 1 ighl. He -' ;-
I'i. -d . c" i e.-l ! iie kills, saw hi- in
sc o . oe, ..I 11. I i wo ye im each , imi t
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14
An emminent coupon clipper exposts the myth of organization for the myth it is. "Tommyrot," says J. Bellicose Smith,
President, American Curling Stones Limited.
Organization '" T5ommyrot
By J. Bellicose Smith . . . Condensed from Wallflower Journn
The Heber Ginker story: One man's courageous fight
for rehabilitation
The Man Who Became A Legend
The much ballyhooed need for
organization on the labor front
must be exposed for the tommy-
rot it is.
For a hundred years our economy has grown and developed
into the world's biggest single
force.
And wo have accomplished
this modern fairy tale without
an iota of organization. Anarchy
of production has resulted in
prosperity.
But now labor unions hold up
organization as the secret of industrial success. This, obviously.
is  just  anexcusetocollectdues.
This myth is rapidly being exposed for the myth it is; thanks
to tho clear insight and sheer
American guts of people like
Marlon Brando.
Today, unions are being exposed for the rackets they are.
But they are allowed to perpetrate this gigantic American
swindle under the name of organization.
Pickets, strikes, meetings,
bowling teams—all under the
flimsy  guise  of  organization.
Did Henry Ford organize" No.
Me iust threw up a few sheds
and herded a couple of thousand
idlers inside. And presto ■•- the
asfieniblv line.
America's economy has won
three wars for the world with
its complete disorganization.
Are we going to let a handfull
of dues-hungry radicals upset
Uncle Sam's apple cart?
The answer need not be "yes."
Men like Taft and Hartely have
done their bit.
A militant war must be waged
against the evil of compulsory
dues checkoff. If we are going
to deduct anything, we should
keep it.
Union shop must be killed in
its swaddling clothes. A bonus
for every non-union worker
should be offered. A raise for
every anti-union worker also has
merit.
We must crush out every
bowling team and end threat of
mythical, subversive, organization.
Recent surveys have shown
that Canada has unions also.
These unions also want organization. They also have formed
bowling teams and have been
known to hold meetings, Also,
they affiliate once and a
while. Ford of Canada reveals
that in their Rouge River
plant alone, ti bowling leagues.
;i ping-pong tournament and
compulsory checkoff exist.
By   Dandy  Trigh
The area was
jammed; pop-corn
bags rustled, girdles
strained, and eyeballs popped. Then
a great hush fell
like the boom on
Casey — all eyes
turned to the ring
as feminine hearts
fluttered and strong
men fell faint. Suspense became terrific—never had there
been such a contest.
Suddenly a voice
giggled. "Oooo. that
tickles." and pandemonium broke
loose. The 1955
final of the World
Footsb Tournament
was   over.
Aijter one of the
most courageous stories in athletic history, Heber Ginker had
made  his  comeback.
After  one  of  the  most  cour-
aeooiis stories in athletic history.
Dandy Trign, noted sports
writer and author of this
article, was noted in his early days as a famous football
player, spoken of in the same
breath as Red Grange, Joe
Blotz and Knute Rockne.
While attending college however, he played under another name, Jack Stropp He
was voted all-American ball
carrier  in   1924
Condensed from
Field  and  Scream
Later, in his
dressing room, as
, juvenir hunters
snatched for bits of
his argyles, the inevitable question
was asked: "Heber,
tell us your secret,
how have you become the most famous footsie diddler
since C a s a n o v a
Brown"" -
"Wal," said Heber (he spoke like
his father who came
from Missouri and
had to be shown,
but when be was
—shown Heber, he
cried, "My God, what have I <
done"", and was never heard of
again.) "Wal, there's really
nothing to it. All yuh need is en- *
durance,  patience,  coordination.
a sartin sense of touch and something the French call 'finerse.'
But above all, ah owe it to man
dear old Ma and man invincible
size seventeen.s which she gave
me. (She never wanted them in
the first place but they became
a family heirloom after Uncle
Willie Arooga who had them
first, won a grape-squeezing
contest in southern Italy and re- *
ceived a free trip to Upper Mongolia where he was deified and

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