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The Ubyssey Apr 2, 1943

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Dirty Nine Found "Kille
Entire Council Wiped Out
By Mysterious Assasinations
•   THE "DIRTY NINE" came to a gory end. Saturday evening when each member of the
Students' Council was either assasinated in cold blood, or committed suicide, thus bringing to a dramatic close one of the messiest session!- in the University of British Columbia's
history. .
Lois Reid, newly elected president of WAA stated when
informed of her election that she was simply beside herself.
UBYSSEY Photographer Art Jones caught her at this
moment in the above picture.
cities i
O VANCOUVER U a seaport
town of ill repute on tho
western coast of the Fraser Valley.
It's repute has always been very
111, despite the sincere efforts of
local doctors to correct this condition. Doctors all over the world
have been known to say after
dinner, and at afternoon tea, and
odd times like that, that Vancouver has one of the most serious
coses of HI repute in the annals
of modern medicine. But the most
significant factor in thi development of the town is its ships. Tho
whole town is ship-crazy, and tho
only worthy thing that has ever
been said about it is that it is
highly sea-worthy. All the children of the town are extremely
nautical, and not a few of them
naughtly as hell, too. Most of
them are, of course, brought Into
the world cither right in or nt
least within house-breaking distance of a bathtub to help in future
orientation. As a matter of fajt,
thef don't even speak of birth In
Vancouver; it's always a launching,
with the baby's weight expressed
in tonnage. A Vancouver civ Id
never aces a diaper from tho day
he is launched, either. He is always clad in sails, from whence
c.ime that famous lino cf poetry,
"A wet sheet and aflowing. sea",
and after all, there's nothing like
being ship-shape.
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Our Maury
Seeks Fame
• MODESTY is the best
policy according to .the
actions <jf one Glory Muwer
(alias Maury Glover) "I'd
just like to know," says Mr.
Glover in a communique to
the UBYSSEY last week
"that ed friessen and I have
just this minute been elected as president and treasurer
of the Commerce club." (I
think it was president and
treasurer—but it might have
been something else. It also
might not have been the
Commerce Club. Probably
Anyway tho old boy hot-footed
it down hero with a sob-story that
he hadn't had his name in tho
paper all year and he wanted it
in just once. I told him to»write
a lost ad, or do something to get
in Mary Ann but he didn't like
the suggestion.
So we said we'd do what we
could which isn't very much and
he grinned happily and groveled
on his way. Grovelled isn't the
word I want. Grovelled Implies
grovelling and that isn't what I
want to imply. .
Oh well, you know what 1 mean
anyway, I mean he beetled off.
Tho point is that he said, ho was
being modest, or something and
then he said ho wanted his name
plastered over the front page in
f8 bastard or larger or something.
Bastard is big words or something.
That stuff that headlines are made
of.   Anyway he's not very modest.
The Dead are:
Rod Morris, president, age 41.
Arvid Backman, treasurer, ageless.
Mary Warner, secretary, age unknown.
Mary   Mulvin,   pros.   WUS,   aged.
John Carson, pros. MUS, age 17.
Bill Mercer, Pres. LSE, ago 14.
Helen Matheson, pres. WAA, age 52
Lynn Sully, pres. MAA, age 21.
Paul Buck, Junior member, age 9
Rod Morris, the mighty mite, had
his throat slit while sleeping in
Science 204 and died a messy death.
The walls of 204 were spattered
with threo orange colored drops of
blood, thus proving for. posterity
that sciencemen and council members have blood. Morris was discovered by one of the social service students, who, on viewing the
body, went into a dead faint. Tho
murderer is unknown, although
Constable Aylward states that
chalked on tho walls of 204 were
tho words: "Down With Science!
Arts Forever!". The constable
thinks that this may be u clue to
tho Identity of the killer. Morris
leaves a wife and two children.
Bill Backman's death was of the
weeping variety. On Saturday
morning Bill steamed Into the pub
office and "requested" that minutes 15 and 16 be printed in a
front page box. He looked fairly
well and as healthy as could be
expected Ot a slide-rule slave. On
Sunday morning Backman was
found floating face down in the
lily pond in front of the library.
Attached to his coat by a safety
pin was a note reading: "In minutes 15 and iC, it states that a club
mast submit its budget within 14
CLEAR days from the date of any
function . . . ." The UBYSSEY
learned later that Johnny Ritchie
and Hugh Roe had submitted a
budget for a dance only 10 days
in advance of the. date of the
function. Attached to the budget,
•said Ritchie, was a notccxpluining
tho fact that minutes 15 and 16 had
been violated. "Duo to adverse
weather conditions, four days of
tho first week were distinctly
cloudy, thus upsetting our plans to
submit the budget 14 clear days in
advance." It must have been tho
last straw for Backman. Constable
Aylward thinks it may have been
Mary Warner and Mary Mulvin
were the victims uf mob psychology. They were caught in the act
of trying to escape a self denial
girl, a major project. As they
gave the tagger tho brush off, a
mob of students, flaunting tags
rushed up, grabbed the pair,
rushed them to the cafe kitchen*
and threw them into tho hot oven.
Thc special next day was roast
young chicken.
"Honest Jawn" Carson was the
victim of a mercy killing. Late
Saturday night, in a dungeon in
thc science building known only to
a few trusty Sciencemen, and
lighted only by tho flicker from a
gas burner, a group of a cnemic
red shirts reviewed the case lxistory
of John Carson.
"Hmmmm, an artsman", they
snahrled, AND chairman of thu
Discipline Committee!" "How positively revolting," spoke a voice
from tho rear. "Makes me sick to
my stomach, really," spoke another. , Piece by piece, Carsons
past was torn to pieces. The times
that he had stopped a littla
gambling in tho cafe. Tho times
he had deliberately gassed science
students with his pipe. The time
he told the corny joke at tho first
council meeting. Tho time ho had
a scienccman's pass confiscated
when he found him sitting in tho
Brock in his underwear, on tho
charge that tho offender was wearing outside clothing. Finally they
came to a decision.
"Carson must stop", they roared!
Carson's body was found, early
Thursday morning by a lost platoon
from the COTC Ceremonial Parade. The body was horribly
mutilated, and a clear imprint of
a slide rule wa3 pressed into his
forehead. Questioned after the
discovery, Constable Aylward said:
"I believe Carson died from natural causes."
Duo to confliiting reports tho
exact cause of the death of thc
other four council members is not
known. Bill Mercer was found
hanging from a limb of a tree
planted by thc tla^s of '23. His
body was unmarked, except for his
head, which was completely bald.
Aylward thought it was rather
peculiar considering the time of
Helen Matheson evidently died
a victim of circumstances. She
was found on thc football field,
stretched full length on the turf,
clad in Phil Guman's Canadian
Football E'.rip.
Lynn Sully was found in tho
pasture, an imprint of a cows
hoof stamped on his forehead.
Paul Buck was found stiff on a
city .street, hu face horribly twisted
into a grimace The body lay in
front of the Girls' Co-op house.
Constable Aylward is working on
the strange deaths and in an interview this morning declared, his
face lighting uf>, "I caught someone going 16 miles per hour on
the mall the other week .
The Indispensable MacMillan and
Some Kind
Of A Show
• SATURDAY night will
again be marred by the
weekly broadcast of the University Radio Society from
CKWX, starting at 18:15 hrs.
This week a recorded broadcast of Wednesday's ceremonial parade will feature
what the society laughingly
calls the "show".
Sergeant (hook-happy) MacMillan the syrup-voiced darling of
the air lanes will provide tho
comment. MacMillan 'will edit tho
program. MacMillan will introduce
the program. MacMillan will sign
off.   Greedy isn't he?
Good news to all the listeners
(HI Mom!) is that Saturday, April
9 will be the last attack on Vancouver's listening public. Don
MacMillan will Direct, announce,
produce, write script and sweep
out tho studio. Mi Gav/d! and a
license costs $2.50 more.
The Radio Society's Doublo-
Crpss-cly rating for the ycar has
just been announced. It is .0001
which is just 200 points below the
McGooch Soap hour, sponsors of
tho "Unhappy Family". MacMillon
announced, he always rnnounces,
ho always edits, he always edits
the script, he roes too domn much,
that the now rating is much higher
than ever before. It used to be
NOTICE: Let it be known to the
student body as a hole that they
will have to search elsewhere for
a free phone. Tho phono booth in
the Pub was stolen by a conscien-
tous theif last Thursday night. All
that remains of the gadget Is a
few shiny wires protruding from
tho wall. The student body is "at
liberty to use these frayed ends,
just as they were at liberty to use
tho pub phone when it was there.
Pub Scores Win Over Council
70,000-0 In Late Mid-night Brawl
• AT A SECRET rendezvous
deep in Uie heart of tho Point
Grey wilds, an enthusiastic Pub
team completely demoralized and
gored the Council members in thu
annual Pub council basketball
game by the tremendous astronom-
cal figure of 70,000 to zero.
Tho Tin Gods shaken and bewildered by the thought of the
public witnessing their annihilation by the Pubsters sent a
quavering messenger to the Pub
office at 1:36 P.M. Monday, requesting that the game be held in
Private. The reason given , was
that tho game would violate tho
Decency act, considering that three
of the Council members were
wamen. General A. W. Snaddon
took pity on the depraved Council
and granted their requests.
' Precisely at Twelve Midnight tho
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Pubsters apcarcd at the rendezvous, carrying Brcn guns under
their arms, and singing heartily.
Council was five minutes late an I
arrived riding mules,- which they
had stolen from the Aggies. In
the poor light it was hard to toil
whether tho Council was riding
tho mules or the mules riding tha
Tho game officially started when
Backman let loose with a lethal
Boomerangs aimed at Snaddon,
but was forced to sprawl on tho
floot as the weapon returned after
only mussing tho General's hair.
The Pub opened strongly scoring
ten baskets in the short space of
five seconds, hardly giving Council
a chance to wake up. Cominj
straight fro man old hollow log
under the AMS office where ho
was hibernating for the winter,
Rod Morris attempted to grasp thj
ball but was swept aside by tho
Pub attack and left bleeding lo
th middle of the floor.
For the remainder of thc first
quarter the play was as clean as
the Pub could keep it in view of
the fact that Matheson had just
come from cleaning Brock Hall
Chimneys and was liberally covered with soot.
In tho second quarter tho Pud
shot from all angles, running up a
score that convinced the council-
men that they could not win
without   resorting  to   evil   deeds.
The Tin Godi needed littlo convincing.
Pub opened strongly in the second half with a well placed kick-
off by Snaddon that phuiked right
in thc basket for another score.
Councilman Carson grabbed tho
ball and attempted to run It back
but was tackled on tho 5 yard
line and lost a square yard of.
outer epidermis off his posterior.
Pete Remnant recovered and made
a tremendous 500 yard drive right
onto tho green.
All during the last quarter tho
play centered around the left
corner of the hall where John
Scott and Rod Morris were engaged
in a friendly game of craps.
Suddenly there was a loud bang
and Morris slumped to the floor
with a bullet through his brain,
a remarkable feat of shooting at
a spot tho slzo of a penny.
Soon after thb Backman was
seen to perform a curious contortion and to turn a deep purple.
An autopsy revealed that he had
been bit by a lethal wood tick,
picked up from the Botanical
mi '£ TRldV
Ot  ON AXX   10A
30 'lOAflODNVA
A3SSAHfl  3H1
Finally, In a last shuflo, Carson's
head was seen to roll to one side
and he slumped to tho floor, his
neck broken. From this time on
tho Pubsters merely toyed' with
tho remaining council members,
scoring at will. Tho score roso
from 30,000 to 50,000, in a few
At this point all the council
members came back to life ' and
roamed about trying to haunt the
Pubsters. As the game was about
over Claridge took one last shot
to make an even score of 70,004
and the Pub left In a Htrry, lcav*
ing the rendezvous to '.he CouncU
ghosts. It ls expected that th?
great God Thoth will effectively
deal with any Council spirits, .'f
the ration board refuses to- do so.
statement yesterday stating
that all women who have been
neglecting their compulsory physical education must make up their
time at camp, which v/ill be held
ot Vernon In conjunction with tho
men's military training.
No details were announced, but
it is expected that they will be
given later. Those coeds who
come under this schema will bo
notified immediately, and no excuses can bo accepted.
Dinah Reid Appointed
New Publications God
• EDITOR-IN-CHIEF of the UBYSSEY for 1943-44, as
chosen by the retiring editor, Andy Snaddon, will be red-
haired Margaret Reid. Marg, Friday Editor in her third"
year in the Pub, will be the third co-ed editor-in-chief since
the founding of the UBYSSEY.
Beginning her Pub career in the k
fall of 1940, as a reporter, "Dinah" >
soon rose to the giddy heights of
assistant editor. Second year saw
her as an associate editor, with a
influential hand In thc policy of
thc Graduation Issue, and wa3
promoted to Senior Editor for tha
coming year.
In addition to her duties as
Editor in Chief of the UBYSSEY
next year, Dinah will assume tho
office of President of Alpha
Gamma Delta sorority, and Vide
President of Pan-Hell.
S For OTC:
• WEDNESDAY, after
prolonged bargaining between officers and men, the '
COTC was persuaded, contrary to its usual practice, to
fall in as a body and come
' over to the stadium in the
form of a battalion. It must
be pointed out early in the
narration of the events that
the program was totally unrehearsed.
Upon arrival at thc stadium,
after a rest period, during which
lunch was eaten, the corpse oozed
past a reviewing officer, imported
for the especial purpose of reviewing, up to time of going to press
thc namo and identity of the
officer remains a complete mystery
to the UBYSSEY.
After the march past there was
a demonstration by picked members of the corps, including a sido
show performance, In the lee of
the sheep pen, by Cpl. Ferry and
his trained Zetas, who amazed the
crown by jumping through hoops,
standing on their hind legs, and
"asking" for food.
Among those present at the show
were Miss Phyllis Nemetz, clad in
pink    tights,    and    Cadet    Scott
dressed  in  an ensemble  of sack*
cloth   and   ashes.     Cadet   Scott
carried roses,  (four).
K   At the conclusion of the parade
those ot the junior officers who-
emerged unscathed from the hall
of  empty  bottles  which  greeted
their apearance,  served  tea  and
cakes to the men of the corps.
Those who were able, on the
conclusion of the parado, returned
home. The remainder were put
up for the night, by • special
arrangement' with Miss Lanning,
In the Library.
It is hoped that Colonel Shrum
will be returned to us with restored health in* timo for the
annual retreat at Vernon.. He is
reported to be making progress.
To Pay
• GRADUATING    students will pay their $15
graduation fee this year,
members of the class decided
at a meeting yesterday.
After furious discussion of the
question for an hour, about 150
students voted to drop thc question
of graduation fees for this year,
and to turn the matter over to the
AMS. This does not mean that
thc students have given up. They
have merely decided to accept a
long-range policy, in the hope of
achieving their end sometime in
thc future.
Eill Smith, vice-president of th*
graduating class pointed out that
since' the Board of Governors
would do nothing,—could do nothing this year,—lt was only scnslbla
to take the long view.
The motion, as it stands on tho
books, reads: "That the question
of reduction of Graduation Fees be
turned over to the Alma Mater
Society, and a' portion of the
valedictory fee, $150.00 or $200.00
be allocated to a fund for obtaining legal advice."
• This True Too.
On accounta I dodn't get one
single by-line this year I am
writing to let people know I am
still alive. I wish to refute all
those nasty rumours to the contrary which have been spread
about the campus by Surly John.
mix >l £>o)S *im, •
'O'l'OP «>m Joj
so' sq ireii* uoneonpa itnnjrtw uo
Pollc raid faculty club P90 »»Wuuuoo aq; uo oojajos 1^0^
Love Life of Jawn Carson
Magazine Section
University Students Draft Free
Liquor rationing station P3
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Friday, April 2, 1943
•    From Thc Editor's Pen
» » »
l»y GWOT
Qr Gimme Death
Due' to the seriousness of a war-time
session and the necessity of courting public
opinion, it has been decreed by the Publications Board that the annual fun issue of the
UBYSSEY, which appears at the end of the
year, will not be published this year.
We are sure that students, steeped as
they are in the logic of down town opinion,
will agree with our policy.
Every freshman thrown in the lily pond
is another blow for Hitler, the axis cheers
and their victory is ensured when the Arts-
men and Sciencemen clash. Thus it is with
cdllege humor, it destroys the morale and it
has no place in this grim world. It is a sign
of decadence and our university must be
thoroughly cleansed of it. (
So it is with the college paper. Its lusty
humor must go. These are serious times
and we must purge our publications of the
blight. Every campus blat must fall in line
with the trends of the times.
• Beginning with this issue the UBYSSEY
sets forth its policy for the future. A serious
and sound attitude to everything. Yet the
Motto of the Publications Board, the battle
cry of the free people of Brock Hall, still
resounds. We give you the three "L's" of
the fourth estate.
LIQUOR! (unrationed)
.   A. W. S.
tiJAOVB 03*8"
•   IT IS LITTLE KNOWN, ond few would
If the Forum ceased to be,
"Twas almost in its grave, or
So it seemed to me.
(with appologies to W.W.)
Oratorical efforts, it would seem, are not
appreciated on this our dearly beloved campus. At the last few meetings of the Parliamentary Forum about enough people
turned up to man a ten ton truck and a
couple of milk wagons—not counting the executive.
The Forum's executive includes sufficient men to run a good sized power drill.
And since hot air is used in its operation,
don't let anybody tell you they couldn't do
Recently even the mighty Isherwood *
strode forward to argue "to beer or not to
beer"—Ister Fosherwood didn't want to
(gad, the proof reading is getting offal)—not
withstanding, only thirty people came to
audit his and Mr. Raphael's loquacity.
At one of the more or less important
meetings o fthe Forum, only the executive
turned up—and not all of them. It seems as
though there were some Debutantes in the
Auditorium and most of the Forum's habitues prefered them to a discussion of whether or not strikes are a good idea. Maybe the
Forum would have had better luck if they'd
brought the Debutantes over to the meeting
and debated with them. I won't suggest what
the argument would have been about.
• If anyone is beginning to wonder when
I'm going to get to the point of all this—or
if there is any point to get to—I'll get to it
The point is that this year's Secretary
of the Forum recently had the effrontery—
in spite of the attendance at the Forum's
meetings—to infer that the Ubyssey was one
of the lesser important of student's clubs. No
further comment is necessary I believe?
This, notwithstanding, the Forum this
year has done good work. The executive did
their best to arrange interesting debates.
And it grieves me to say that their efforts
were rewarded with a measure of success.
Although the Forum had good debators
this year, there is an empty spot in the
Trophy Room—the McGown Cup is gone.
Next year's executive is a promising
one. If there are McGown Cup debates next
year, the Cup should be back.
. The Mummery
Dear Andy:
A recent roll-call of the thoughts at
present doing time in my gray cell, (a small,
all-purpose can with a view over-looking
the medulla oblongata), revealed the fact
that you are in my home town, while I am
in your home town, and neither of us is in
Walla Walla, Washington. If you sit down
and think about this for a few minutes, I
think you will agree with me that it wasn't
worth it. Nevertheless, the situation offers
an unusual opportunity for us to exchange
any phone numbers and addresses which we
think might be of interest to one another,
such as those of art galleries, museums, libraries and institutions whose cornerstones
have been laid by outstanding Liberals. I
have seen Liberals feathering their nest,
mind you, but I have never actually seen
them lay a corner-stone in it. My life is incomplete in other respects too.
One phone number I might give you,
upon receiving from you guarantee of equal
degree of reciprocity, preferably a red-head,
is that of Myrtle Turtle, a charming creature
who works in men's underwear at the Bay,
and if you think that's a misplaced modifier,
ask her to show you her Stanfield's AU-
Wodl sometime. I cannot give you Myrtle's
phone number because she has no phone,
her father having taken a violent dislike to
Don Ameche some time before the latter invented the device. The best way to get in
touch with her is by throwing stones at her
window between 6 and 8 p.m., or all day
Sunday. You will be able to tell whether
she wants to go out with you by whether or
not she throws the stones back at you.
Myrtle's greatest attraction, perhaps, is
her broad experience in life. In fact, I can't
think of another broad who has had more
experience than Myrtle. She's been in more
alleys than a set of ten-pins, and she's twice
as easy to knock down. She's a very flashy
dresser, though, wearing a pale shade of
blue as a rule, because it goes so well with
her yellow jaundice. Myrtle has really remarkable eyes, too, which look like a couple
of fried eggs shot through with tomato ketchup. And she's never happier than when
she can get dow.n on her knees for a game
of marbles, sighting her aim with one eye,
and knocking agates out of the circle with
the other.
Myrtle isn't as young as she use to be, of
course, when she carried canoes for Simon
Fraser, but she hides her age well by combing her eyebrows over her bald spot.
As for her figure, the most engaging
parts are her legs, of which she possesses a
collection of more that thirty-five, carved
out of rare types of wood from this and other
continents. I, myself, am especially partial
to her eucalyptus set, and have often spent
a quiet enjoyable evening sniffing the feet
of these to relieve an annoying head cold.
But, so much for Myrtle. I believe that
the spring exams are now creeping up on
you with the insidious ease of army issue
underwear. So, although you have been
more than tolerant in printing blurbs of
mine this semester, Andy, I gracelessly submit a final test of your patience. It may just
possibly give one of your cub reporters
enough time off to prepare for English 1,
always assuming you HAVE a cub reporter
who is naive enough to think he can prepare
for English 1.
Anyhoo, fhe best of luck to you and anybody else who is contemplating a strange
interlude with some of those horribly blank
booklets. Take an extra blotter for me, fella,
and we'll sop up your tears together.
Tallyho! —JABEZ.
naturally abide by it. You understand, of course, that this is more
or less of a test case, and that you
have been let down lightly?"
Colonel1 Crum nodded mutely,
and was led away with a crestfallen expression, still murmuring
soft "d'y'seos" to himself, and
eiting' with the sage observance,
"You can't beat the Celestial Army
—too much red-tape."
LOST: One Green "Accounting
Principals and Practices" and some
Ec. 1 notes. Please notify J. A,
Kenmuir, Phi Delt table.
admitted that he was incapable of
such an accomplishment.
"As I thought," murmured Walm
"As I thought," murmured
Walmsea. "Well,. although It is
hardly within my jurisdiction, J
believe 14 days C.B. tconfincd to
3 months basic, will then be re-
. place. Thereafter, you win receive
quired to pass an examination on
Pamphlets six to sixty-six inclusivo
on tho Old Testament (common to
all Angels) and then will progress
to the parts of the New Testament.
(Special A.S.C.—Angels Service
Corps). You will then !x> qualified
for entry into Garden Foot, with
thc possibility of eventual Overcloud Service. This decision is
Final and Irrevocable, nnd you will
• AS IS the normal course
of events (for even colonels as all men must turn in
their equipment to the Great
Quartermaster eventually) it
came about that one Colonel
Crum, having met his demise via an apopletic fit (the
result of watching a group of
students accordion their
merry way through a ceremonial) arrived at the
Pearly Gates.
"I want to get in, d'y'seo?" he
greted tho worthy keeper, bringing
his soul up to its full 6'4", and
bringing his mental attributes to
the "present".
"Pardon me, I must look that up
in Part Two, Old Testament Qr-
ders," replied the Sentry Saint,
beetling off under a haloed escort.
In tho usual three hours he camo
hurrying back from tho Angels'
"I have just been in consultation
with the sub-angel Walmsea," ho
replied, "who informs mc that as
far as ho is able to discover from
all his records, and having chocked
with tho Celestial Little Fountain
sector nnd the manoeuvre Hostel
Beauraau of Unearthly Information, that, you are not listed 03
being on Potential Strength of the
Celestial Battalions. It is of course
to bo regretted at a time such ns
this, but that is tho way those
things go, y'know." '
"Sir', replied Colonel Crum, "I
believe I know the reputations in
a esse of this type. If I am not
mistaken, I seem to recall that
.C.A.R.O. (Celestial Army Routine
Order) 66 cited in Deuteronomy,
Chapter six, sub-section three,
verse thirty-seven, reverses tho
right for a Reserve Soul to be
paraded before the Great CO,,
"You mean you wish to have a
Celestial Court-Martlnl?" asked
the astonished Gate-keeper. "Thi3
Is highly irregular, especially with
the Heavenly Qualifying Field
Missionary Exams just around tho
corner. However, a soul Is always
given a fair trial before the Board,
ond I shall see that the ruling is
in your particular case." So say.
ing, he scurried off, to nurry back
in thc usual three hours, with a
special guard of St. Peter's Remnants, made up of columnistic
souls who had been subjected to
adverse treatment ot tho hands of
superiors on earth.
"Lanco-angcl Brown will conduct you under escort io corpangei
Heel, thence to seargangel Melons,
through regimangel Hcndcrsoul to
the adjangcl Walmsea, who will
examine you for qualifications as
to entry into the Celestial Corps.
A full Celestial Court-Martial is
deemed inexpedient at the present
time, especially since the Great
CO. b over in the Intension Department, and besides, Walmsea
relishes this particular type of
"But d'y'see I ..." said the
colonel before he was whisked
away by an exultant lance-angel
Brown, to be finally deposited before Calmsca, direct representative,
in the Angelly Room of the Great
"Age, position, quantity, quality,
disposition, value, and utility of
soul?" demanded Walmsea, finge--
ing his sub-angels' wings. Corpangei Heel hurried in and placed
on enormous sheaf of records oa
the small desk-like cloud, beside
an commodious drawer full of
sub-angels' wings for <hose qualified souls with good bih,le-r(Jcord3.
"Hmm," mused Walmsea, "C-2
soul, magazined, gazzetted, qualified for Garden Foot, probably a
potential N.C.A, (non-com-angel),
grime sheet shows a few acts of
subordination. To Heel he said,
"You'd better phone Little Fountain Sector for the complete
records on this man, and let me
know how it comes out."
To the colonel, "Your case Is
somewhat similar to that of ono
Rembrant, now flrst-angel Rem-
brar»t, I might add, whose admission was doubtful because of a
small matter of some untruth to
a superior while on ea'-th. Have
you had basic?" he asked suddenly,
hoping to throw his soul off guard,
for Walmsea was n master at the
art of interrogation.
"Well, d'y'see," began the colonel,
but w;is interrupted by the subtle
Walmsea with "I thought not. If
you had taken 1he care to read
Part One, Ezcklal Orders for the
Day, you would have .ceen that it
is necessary to have Ihsio. befor?
you can apply even for Garden
Foot, let alono for Overclouds
Service with thc 11th Celestial
Division. Why, I'll wager you cannot even givo mutual ongcllic instruction on tho parts of tho
Mosaic Tablets."
Much    abashed,    colonel    Crum
Issued quite frequently by thc
Stupid Publication Bored of thc
AMS (Almost More than you cap
Stand) Society of the Point Grey
' Barracks of the COTC. (Shruirl
fun, eh?)
•  Offices: Georgia Lobby
No Phone
For Advertising
Belkin Entcrprizes Ltd.
1234 Richards (ask for Mimi) No
Campus   Subscriptions — This   is
Mall   Subscription — So   is   this.
Editor-in-Chief and Janitor
First   guy   in   the   office,   always
"Homey little plaetaln'Ht?"
''Sure —all the comfort! — Including Sweet Cape I'
'.'The purest form in whlth tobacco can bs smohfid"
Senior Editors
Monday Nobody—we don't
publish Monday
' Tuesday  J^ucy Berton
Friday  Snakehips Reid—no
Sports Editor
We copy from the News-Herald.
News Mougcr
Cadet   (by the grace of Shrum)
Associate Editors
No use listing them, they're useless
No Phono.
Ass istant Editors
They're worse
Associate  Sports Editor
Little F. H.—no Phone
Circulation Manager
Joyce  Smith,  best  circulation   in
Staff Photographers
Art Jones,, Art Jones &t Art Jones
No Phono ..... Dennis Blunder
^Secretary .Honourable Young,
no phone, dammit
Highly Improbable Grad Issue
John Tom, the plutocrat, he's got
a phone
NOTICE: All women students are
requested to remove everything
from their lockers in thc Gymnasium AT ONCE. Anything left will
bo confiscated after the last day of
examinations. All locks must also
be removed.
-. Special Student Rate at * <
By Presentation Of Your Student Pass
Bob Hope, Dorothy
Spencer Tracy, Katherine
Hepburn in
plus Added Shorts
Robt. Taylor, Charles
Laughton, Brian Donlevy
James Cagney   *
plus Selected Shorts
Hrs.: 9 ajn. to- S pjn.; Saturdays • ajn, to noon
Graphic Engineering Paper, Biology Paper
Loose Leaf Refills, Foutain Pens and Ink
and Drawing Instruments
NOTICE: Wanted at once. One
boarder at Tolmie and Seventh.
Gctod quarters. Phone Mrs. Ker,
ALma 0763 R.
•   •   •   •
FOR SALE: Six tube Roger mantle
radio and Fred Deeley bicycle in
good condition and complete with
generator, chromium mudguards
and fixtures, balloon tires, etc.
Contact D. G. Newton, Arts Letter
Rack or 3804 West 20th Ave.
Fraternity and Sorority
Printing and Engraving
our Specialty
566 Seymour St
You'll find your pet sweaters and skirts . . . end coats and
shirts in our Fashion Centre. We know what you co-eds
love to wear.  How easily casual clothes fit into
your busy life on thc- campus.   So we stocked our
Fashion Centre with the cute clothes in the pretty
colors you adore.   Try and squeeze in a few extra
minutes sorrie day to see our Fashion Shows   .   .   .   you
might pick up a few hints on what's new this Spring.
• I —Fashion Centre, Tliircl Floor
itoteony'Bag dompang.
INCORPORATED    !«•   MAY  1670
V1 Friday April 2, 1943
Page Three
Ritchie Reveals Somewhat vital meeting
Pat Cunningham, Sylvia Anderson, and Helen Welch; President
lin, elected by acclamation. Prcsl-
offices are Secretary of the AMS;
of LSE: Murdo MacKenzie, David
President of MUS: Harry Cur-
ran, elected by acclamation;
Williams,   and   Anne   DuMoulin;
NOTICE: All women students
who have time to make up in
Archery are requested to report
at tho Gymnasium on Thursday
morning, April 8th. They may
shoot any time between tho hour^
hours of 8:30 a.m. and 12:30 noon.
to fine
just one line
like "gal o' mine"
or "the Lonesome Pine"
is hard for such as Einstein
but not so tough for Gertrude Stein
who loves to fool around with a
and then out of a clear blue sky
she'll fo
and change the damn thing ju,t
like »x>
and when she can't think of any
she simply lets it grow
smaller as it gets low
and Lo!
You have a Stcinism— impressionistic, isn't it?
*» .**«■£
... Turns Over ...
For your
Stationery Supplies
Fountain Pens
Slide Rules
Scales, etc.,
for the present term
The Clarke & Stuart
550 Seymour St
Vancouver, B.C.
Phone PAciflc 7311
Wear A
Choice Of Active
Men and Women
The Values
^P_ Challenge
' UI Comparison
llifii *
Ml*"       j1' t"'
-»ft< » imummaMt ******* y ■-»(
stripping. ..   with ITIerry ann
• PLANTS at 564 GranviUe have
lots of skirts. I know a science
man who has plenty of skirts too,
but then that's another story and
the discipline committee says we
can't tell about it. Anyhow thev
have the darlingcst Skirts, th.*
snazziest blouses, Slacks which arc
very chick, as Arvid would say if
anyone would listen, ond 2-piece
print dresses, which are quite sonvj
stuff. Didja hear about the curly-
haired you-know-what who gave
his SCM Pin to a short dumpy and
somewhat ugly freshette. It seems
that they went together in high
school and no one would pay any
attention to thorn here either j;o
they gave up and decided to form
a permanent partnership.
* * * *
e If your man has gone to war
and you find yourself getting
somewhat cold without ro one to
keep you warm, then obviously
you should go to the New York
Fur Company, which is somewhere
in Vancouver. If you cennot finance a smart new sabb and you
are quite a pretty doll, drop in and
wc will tell you how Sadie of the
chorus financed hers.   Cheap too.
University of British Columbia
Summer Session, 1943
Note Changed Dates:
June 28 to August 13
The "Announcement of the Summer Session" may be
obtained at the Registrar's Office
Then there was the story about
the stocky, silly and shiftless football player who wanted to take
out a blonde Gimme Gimme
Gimme. He hadn't met her and
asked one of his pals to make with
an introduction. His p:il did and
the girl did and the fellow did.
What did they do? Answer next
issue. Oh alright! They went to
the New York Fur Company and
bought a fur coat.
• •   •   •
e These days food is rationed a
god deal, but that does not
stop the Ship Shape Inn from
serving up the best whether U bo
a meal or an Aftor-thc-game snack.
Some of the lads from our school
caused considerable amusement in
a down-town Pub when they
started to beat the daylights out
of an aged waiter who wouldn't
serve them because there wasn't
anymore. The tolerant citizens of
Vancouver were heard to remark,
1 "isn't it fine that those boys are
getting such healthy exercise.''
After it was over the boys all went
back to the Ship Shape Inn for a
real feed, which Mr, Bloomfield,
("Bloomers" to his friends) thu
mgr. dished up.
• •   «   »
e If cny of you heels ai^ lookin,;
for .smart footwear then just
take a hike to Rae Son';, which is,
ordinarily cnouch, located on
Granville, (what.oa matter with.
Georgia or Richards?) They have
the tops of the town when it comes
to shoes. Tan Spectators, Suedes,
tics, casuals you will find them all
at Raesbn's. We .simply must tell
you about whats his name and that
tiark fiirl who wears riddle shoos
and a sweater and earner; books,
you know who we mean. It seems
they were doing a little necking
down on the  beach and  someone
■ came along and saw them. It
really was a panic when neither
of them blushed.   Well if you want
the best in shoes head fo.' Raeson*:.
Morris . . .
•LOST: Black wallet, in Library,
between 10:30 and 11:39 Saturday.
e CHUMMILY chanting "Phi
Delta Navy' to the hoards of
prospective'rushees, the beaming
Mr. Ritchie blustered into the pub
yesterday with come guff about a
meeting of some sort somewhere in
one of the buildings sometime
today but somebody or other
spilled coke all over tho paper so
you know as much as we do about
the whole thing. Nobody'd go to
the darn thing anyway and yci
know it Mr. Ritchie.
the Auditorium, UDC students
will have the opportunity of hearing tho Air Force Dance Band
from Jericho Air Base. The occasion is a program in honour of those
students who recently joined th;
RCAF en masse. The program will
be a pass-feature.
George Reifel, drummer of tho
Varsity Orchestra, describes the
Air Force musicians as cne of the
best outfits in town and it will be
well worth the trouble of the
students to take in the show.
...To Whyt«
Twenty-five University Students to
study a 4-year course of Chiropractic
Apply by appointment
Walter Sturdy, D.C.
401 Vancouver Block
Marine 33S1
Hvery woman knows that certain colors compliment her natural prettiness and the closer
she gets the right color to her'face and hair, the more it does for her. So Tooke hasproduced
"Compliment Colors" in your favorite man-tailored shirt. To their excellence in shirt
making, guaranteed by the Tooko lP.bcl, they have added an ATC rayon fabric, ready to
give satisfactory service if you care for it as for'all nice things.
MM /
"Sportswear,  Spencer's, Fashion   Floor,
maun! ii ii.m."
.pi.iiii.in,      ■ Hi
■i mu ntin .ini ii.iih.,1 . |'li» >mu..t    J "     "
M,W     IWII.     IP       III — xz:r~zr
■ . - « ■
RCAF Sign Kermode, Siborne And EdmundsonJ
Wan Vliet Irate
Over New Airforce
Move In The Finals
•   IT WAS REVEALED at a special meeting of the. British
Columbia Basketball Association last night that the Island RCAF crew would be allowed to strengthen up for the
remaining playoff games with the Varsity Thunderbirds.
The   evening   downtown   news- '
papers mentioned tho other night
that Ollie Goldsmith had been
transferred to a new spot up the
coast and it meant that he would
not be able to finish the scries.
Also another great loss to the fliers
was the moving of Irwin Stout to
operational duties on tho Atlantic
These blows came suddenly to
the Victoria Air Force team and
therefore the special meeting of
th B. C. basketball body Waa
called to settle the question.
Many names were mentioned a$
likely people to fill in the two
vocont positions Including several
members of the Shores quintet who
were knocked out by the students
In the V and D League finals but
the B. C. body felt that only Air
F,orce men should be taken on by
the Victoria team.
PO Charlie McLaehlan, manager
of the Islanders, suggested that he
be allowed to draw upon the
services of several players who aro
In the Au- Force but stationed at
present   In   Vancouver.     Because
the series is being played in this
city the Association thought that
it would not do any harm to allow
the mon he had mentioned to play
for the Victoria crew for the remainder  of the playoffs.
As a result of this, the fliers will
strengthen up with Jack Edmund*
son, George Siborne and Harry
Kermode, all of whom performed
for the local Air Force outfit in
the   Vnnd D League. *,
It will be hemembcred that there
was considerable argument ot the
first of this series as to whether
Kermode be allowed to play, but
he was ruled out. Now the B. C.
body has changed its decision in
the light of new developments in
the Island depot.
Why McLaehlan should . bo
allowod to draw upon three men
when he hod only lost two, Stout
and Goldsmith, in transfers, drew
considerable comment from observers of the meeting but those
present felt that the fliers had
been deprived of one of their
strongest players just before tho
recent playoffs when Busher Jackson wos moved to Edmonton.
Consequently the Islanders too'.J
advantage of this and picked throt
of tho strongest local Air Forco
The series continues ut the VAC
gym next Saturday night, starting
at 9 o'clock with the fhers decided
favourites to wind up the B. C.
championship playoffs. They "are
now loading by two gamer to one.
The Birds got this one victory
last Tuesday night on their own
floor when they whitewashed tho
Islanders 43-21 after droping «
close one point decision the night
before 42-41.
Sandy RobertsQn paced tho
students in their victory by dropping in 18 points for tht highest
total of the evening. Thc best the
Air Force could do wn eight by
MeKcachie and seven by Baker.
If you don't believe up about
this ask thc team members, thoy
are sure burnt up about it.
LOST: Unfinished front of Air
Forco sweater. Retoin to Red
Cross Room pleeze.   Oigcnt!
Gain Quickly *
Hours 9 a.m.
Reduce Quickly
to 11:3Q p.m.
(   ) How to Gain Weight    (   ) How to Reduce Weight
Nurse Allele's
3151 GranvUle Street
Massage Clinic
BAyvicw 0785
Thunderbirds Retaliate Fliers Move
• Lump Checov, Shadwell
And Johnnie McLeod
Signed By Van Vliet
•   AS HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED elsewhere on this page,
the RCAF has strengthened their team for Saturday's
game against Varsity by the addition to their outfit of Harry
Kermode, George Siborne and Jack Edmundson.
Wo are pleased to announce that         '	
mJ tl/H?:
Covered with
Neilson's smooth
French-style Chocolate
Divoters Plan
Final Tourney
the students and faculty of the
University will be staged . next
week. The Varsity Golf Championship will be at stake along with
several good prizes. "The affair
will be of 36 holes medal play, one
round to bo played di'rlng tho
week and the second raund to bo
played next Saturday.
The winner of tho low gross will
take on the title currently held by
Bob Ford. In all there will be
some ton valuable awards given
for total and individual low net
ond gross, faculty low scores, and
the hidden hole, for each eighteen
Since each player will not bo
allowed to take away any more
than one prize In any ono rounds
every golfer will have an excelent
chance of wining some golf ball*
for himself.
Players aro advised to find their
official handicaps from the notice
board in the Stadium. Some of
these figures have recently been
changed and a rccheck should bo
made by every player.
Any one who wishes to play in
tho tournament and has not yot
received,, their handicap should
contact Dick Hanley , or Biil
O'Brien before trying to play his
WAA Lunch'n
Coming Thurs
e TIIE ANNUAL Women's At.i-
, lctic Association Lunihcon will
be held Thursday, Anril 8th, .'.;
12:30 in tho Brock. AU women
students are invited to ; ttond th's
function. Sjckers will be Mi ,.5
Dorothy Jatlisnn and Miss Zerada
Slack, two of the foremost women
leaders in physical education ,n
Miss Jackson is now an assistant
professor in physical education at
the University of Toronto and ha3
been on thc staff of college women
In war time.
Miss Slack is now the secretary for Health Education. National Council Y.W.C.A. and has
formerly been on the physical
education staff of Mount Allison
University and, ot McGill. She
wil talk on the development of
recreation in Canada during thc
All athletic awards will be pro-'
fxntod at this luncheon and all
girls engaged in athletics on tho
campus are asked to attend.
Appointments to tho Women'3
Athletic Association will also bo
announced. All those who will bj
attending are asked to sign the
sheet at th foot of tho c^fo stairs.
Wind Up
took a graceful bow out of the
field of extra activity last Saturday. They dropped a knock-oift
game to the Pro-Rec Maple Leafs
3 to 2 on the playing ground of
Memorial Park West last Saturday
The loss of this game eliminated
all hopes of the team to carry off
the IcperiaJ. Cup. Thus the boys
are very sorry that they have
nothing to show for their splendid
efforts this season. Tho soccer
team had 0 very .succer.ful year
with a few tough breaks mixed in
to spoil the pleasant mess of it oil.
Besides ending up in fourth
place in the V and D leanue, they
have produced some of the outstanding players of that league,
LOST: A gold mottled Parker
Cacuumatic Fountain pen on
Thursday .p.m. Possibly in the
Gym. t Jimoth Dcnnison, FAir.
5CC0R or AMS Lost and Found.
Cuff Guff
•   HURRAH! NO MORE issues for this year.  In fact no
nore  issues at  all.   Hurrah,  Hurrah,  Boogie  woogie,
Boogie woogie and all that stuff. More boogie woogie of all
that stuff.
No more will I see Snake Hips Reid wandering around
the Pub, no more of V.H., or vd for that matter, nor more of
jt or dougie. Boogiewoogie, sob, sob, etc., etc.
Alas alack, no more of aws and his editorials or of
belkin rushing for his copy, nor of tallman and his stupid
stare apd stupider pipe.
In fact no more of this for me. Boogie woogie and
stuff, etc., etc.
Not even any more of remnants mad orations or sow-
ards long winded stories, boogie woogie again and again. Boy
play that music and then turn it over, I'm getting sentimental.
No more pub parties, sob, sob, no more free coke evfery
thursday. (
Boogie woogie, that reminds me of a joke picked up
from an unworthy kappa sig. It seems three gentlemen were
standing on a corner when one said that he had been mistaken the day before, by another gent, for fdr. The second
member piped up and said he had been spoken to as mr.
churchill before the mistake was noticed. The third member
of the party not to be outdone said that he was standing on
this very same corner yesterday when another fellow came
up to him and said well, jc, how in hevll are you?
Boogie woogie, fellows, think awhile and it might
sink in, hop, hep, etc., and stuff.
Speaking of the kappa sigs brings forth another attempt at humour.
It runs along these lines, sorta like poetry, boogie
woogie and all that stuff.
Mary had a little lamb
with which she used to frisk
now wasn't she a silly girl
her little :"
That should be just about enough for my sentiment
is killing me.  Boogie woogie fellows.
MAA    Announces    Big   Block
e Tins COMING MONDAY the Men's Athletic awards will be distributed in Arts 100 at 12:30. Guests fro mtho faculty will be present
to present some of the Big Blocks, ^r. Gunning will present the Big
Blocks to tho English Rugby players, Mr. M. L. Van Vliet will play-
Santa to the members of the Basketball team, Johnny Farina, Uie
American Football, Mr. L. Baker, the Soccer, and Dr. Dixon, thc track.
In all therb are 19 Big Blocks to be awarded besides 13 Freshman
awards. If these freshmen return next year and participate in the same
sport, at tho end of their second year they will win the block and number.
There is also an honourary Big Block to be given out.
There will bo 52 winners of tho Small Block at the same time
and four awards to managers and trainers.
Bob Davidson, Don MacLcan  _... Track  New Wins
Al Jones, Don Johnston     Eng. Rugbq New Win
Al Narod, Hunter Wood ....    Eng. Rugby  Re-Win
Bob Faris, John Wheeler  Eng. Rugby  Fresh Award
Hank Sweatman  _   Am. Football New Win
Ranji Mattu, L. Fournier ..._   Am. Football Re-Win
Spud Murphy _...   Am.  Football     Fresh.  Award
Mel Oughton, Bill Walker   Soccer _ New Win
Herb Smith, Stu Roach, Jim Morton..,   Soccer Re-Win
Clem Philly, Frank Adams Soccer Fresh. Award
Bruce York, Dave Hayward   Basketball   New Win.
Art Barton, Harry Franklin
Art Johnston     Basketball   Re-Win
Sandy Robertson, Gordy Sykes,
Art Stilwell, Ole Bakken, s
Paddy Wescott  _   Basketball Fresh. Award
Maury McPhee, Phil Fitz-James, and Howard Shadwell receive
manager awards, and Don Livingstone gets the trainer's award.
Dougie Reid and Pat Campbell will not receive their Big Blocks
immediately. Tho committee has decided to hold them for a short time
because they played on an outside team. '
Van Vliet Farg's
fj^3^;i^.v^-,isw .'lily.
'     -i.s J
>'. • • »-. ■
this nefarious skullduggery has
not been lost on UBC coach Van
Vliet. He* promptly devised some
counter-strategy of his own to meet
tho RCAF threat.
Tho counter-strategy involves the
signing to Varsity player forms of
'«#} . '#
Franklin And
Robertson Mad
As They Are
Dropped From
Hoop Team
By Van Vliet
Louie (the Lump Checov, Howit
Shadwell, the Kappa Sig curse, and
Major "Johnnie" McLeod who hai
lately been starring in chink
games. These games, by the way,
have also involved such cclcbritia
as Bob Osborne, Coach Van Vliet
himself and also thc two latest additions to the Thunderbird*
Checov and ShadwelL
In order to make room for these
additions, Mr. Van Vliet has been
forced to release three member}
of his team. After much deliberation, he has decided to let the ait
fall on Sandy Robertson, Harry
Franklin and Art Barton.
The decision to drop Robertson,
who many morons mistakenly
thought was leading the Thunderbirds In their battles agaipst tht
Fliers, came after Sandy's miserable feat in allowing his check,
Norm Baker, to slip through for
FIVE BIG POINTS. "This," stated
coach Van Vliet, "is just not good
enough." "There is no excuse for
Baker getting five points against
us last Tuesday." "I distinctly told
him to press, each time Baker shot,
a small nerve In the back of hii
neck, known only to Sciencemen
and fools. Such' an action on Rob*
ertson's part would have rendered
Baker paralyzed for two minutes."
"I am confident that that sterliiuj
character, Louie Checov, will make
us forget all about Robcrtson'i
miserable play." "Well, anyway,
ho'll make us forget."
Mr. Van Vliet went on to say
that Shadwell and "Johnnie" McLeod, the other two replacements,
would bo certain starters. "Statistics," said UBC's popular athletic mentor, "have shown that
34 out of 50 . . ., and I am relyinj
on this unshakeable fact to bring
us victory come Saturday."
"I am confident that "Johnnie"
and "Shad" will do truly horrible
things to our Opponents in the
game. As for those loogans, Franklin and Barton, tho less said abou!
them, the better. Farg'.!!"
To Mrs. Heddy
We'd like to sny "thank you" to Mrs. IlcdUy, for always
having her exact fare ready. When she boards ono of
our vehicles, she never I109 to turn her purse inside out
to find thc proper change. And when she uses a transfer
she presents it to the operator face up and unfolded.
She helps us save seconds in these busy days when time
is our most precious commodity. And wc arc grateful.
... Farg'd
rv'..>1"?'V--v( •''~^}tfXy!»ys'** '•ti':i^"lm


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