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The Ubyssey Mar 30, 1951

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 Pag* One
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Read
Page One
Today
LAST YEAH—BlNAL NUMBER
HE111234 VANCOUVER, B.C., FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1951—37 PAGES       SEVEN SECTIONS—PRICE: CHEAP
DEAN MAWDSLEY is planning to investigate rumoured nightly activities at the new Women's Dormitories by going into the
Dorms in person disguised as one of the coeds. The Dean has
carefully duplicated the clothing worn by a typical UBC coed
to perfect her disguise in order to make safe entry into the
residpnces. Can you find Dean Mawdsley in this- picture?
Mussoc Only Charity
Supported By AMS
Liberal AMS president Vaughan Lyon today gave up the
entire honorarium; he was to receive for his services to the.
AMS during the 1951-52 term.
Iffe  announced  that  he  intends $>
to turn all the money — 1200 —
over to charity.      '*
"My wish Is to serve the students
at this time," he said, "I expect
no remuneration for my labors on
their behalf."
Lyon made his announcement at
a special Student Council meeting
today. Dead silence prevailed,
broken finally by WUS "President
Mary Lett,, who said, "Well, really,
Vaughan!"
Fourth year arts student Lyon
has occupied many executive positions on the campus In  his  pre-
Donaldson Unable
To Get Position
Nonie Donaldson, former AMS
president finds that she Is constitutionally unable to obtain the
position of the Chief of Functional
and Constitutional Investigations.
Into the Reorganized Women of
Lower Brock  Hall.
She was declared Ineligible for
lhe position by the appointments
committee, after heated debate
amongst Its members. An official
of the committee was quoted as
saying "Miss Donaldson's constitution is entirely inadequate for
any position."
Miss Donaldson has been reported to reply to the committee as
saying: "As one who has been
living with my constitution for
nigh onto, I can faithfully say thai
I am thoroughly familiar with lt,
and have found It adequate to
sny situation that has arisen.
"However, since there is some
debate whether or not I am eligible for this position, I will abide
by any decision of the committee,"
she said.
vlous years. It is not known
whether he has ever been in the
position before to refuse monoy
for his services.
AMS treasurer Phil Anderson
charged that Lyon is setting a
"nasty precedent."
"The AMS is not organized tor
the purpose of supporting charities, except Mussoc," he said.
Wholttown Kids
Reported 'Bugs'
Whaletown, B.C. (Carrier Pigeon). A wave of cockroaches bit
this quiet community today after
a seven-year absence.
Officials of the town said they
could find no reason for the sudden Influx of the Insects.
Delegation of youths Just returned from their good will tour
of the UBC campus In Vancouver
reported that they didn't see any
while they were there.
Lyon To Quit As Head
*». •
Of Student Council?
FRESHETTE
RUMOR PROVES
ENTIRELY FALSE
AH Freshettes are te be
given a workout by MAD officials in Room 201 of the ■reek
today at noon.
This report refutss ths rumour that It waa to be held In
Room 208 of the Arts iulldlng,
an allegation which proved to
be entirely false.
WUS Prexy May Become 3rd Woman
To Head Alma Mater Society
President Vaugh Lyon told a -mass meeting of the UBC
Liberal Club in Arts 100 today that he might possibly resign
his presidency of the Alma Mater Society.
If Lyon reelgns, Mary Lett, WUS
Bug Rise
Matches
Prices
Cost   of   feeding   5,119,453
ockroaches,   in    addition    to
•eguter  student  customers  at
■•ampus eating places has sky-
•ooketed food prices.
"Cockroaches have voracious appetites," said the Brock Snack
Manager, "and like most students?
notoriously  empty  pocket  books."
"We have had to boost prices,"
she added, "because the rising
birth rate among" the cockroaches
Is eating up our profits."
Brock Hall officials suggested
campus eating places be fumigated over the summer to oust their
unwelcome  population  of  Insects.
"When the smoke hascleared,"
said Miss Patterson, "prices may
be back  to  nearly  normal."
Group Seeks
Lyon's Blood
Liberal AMS President Vaughan
Lyon was notified today by Canadian Red Cross that the organization will not accept his donation
of his $200 honorarium.
"We don't want his tainted
money," executive of the association announced, "we only want his
blood."
Vancouver Community Chest
also turned down his offer.
"We don't want tainted money,"
the group chorused.
president, will become the second
woman president in the history of
the AMS and the third woman to
head students in the history    of
The new vice-president will not
be elected until next fall. In the
interim, Miss Lett would have to
take, charge.
Whether she would step down
when the VP is elected remains unsettled. Some councillors told the
Ubyssey they would fftvor retaining through the year "because lt
wouldn't be fair to her to ask her
to take on for only a few months."
Lyon told the meetln that "it
was possible that pressure of . .
other. . . . duties might prevent
him   from   continuing   Inoffice."
At the same meeting, student
Foster Isherwood introduced a motion calling for backing of a move
to build a bridge across the Nik-
omakl River in Surrey, B.C.
Several members protested that
such a bridge.might "not In present steel crisis be in the best interests of the Canadian economy."
Isherwood, however, assured
them that, ln so far as the bridge
would be only 11 feet long, lt
could  be constructed of wood.
Lyon also hinted that he might
seek leadership of the Liberal
Party of Canada.
If he does, he said he would
"bomb his way to office."
He gave no hint of his meaning
other than to say "it's time somebody did away with Louis St,
Laurent."
PRO Roy North
To Make Statement
UBC PRO Roy North stated
Wednesday that he will soor
issue a statement.
"The statement will state how
the state of the States is," he
stated ln a statement to The
Ubyssey.
'Twmii ClatMt
BROCKINGTON SELLS OUT
Piano Concert Here Soon
Mr. John Brockington, Fine Arts
Editor of the Ubyssey, will present
his next concert ln May, 1956. Ho
will figuratively swing Into action
with a rare composition by Trotsky
called the 1917 Overture (Bolshevik.)
The concert, which was previously scheduled for 19"*5, was postponed when ffltockington was bitten ln the neck by <\n ardent music
lover after a particularly passionate performance. The injury, which
considerably hampers his style, Is
being worked on b*f trainer Johnny   Owen.   Says   OWen,   "Brocky
should be in there pitching by the
beginning of the season."
As this ls the first time Brockington, a prominent figure on the
Publications Board. had played
since the last time, many of his
fans who tlmded him this year will
be looking forward to doing so
again.
Because he thrives on adverse
criticism (there are many fantastic rumors concerning what Mr.
Brockington thrives on,) he has
begun practicing with great gusto
In an attempt to regain his position «s the epitome of the acme.
At i this concert he will play for
the first time in history the Allegro con Lento, from The Chartered
Bride, by Sweatana, and a modern
composition, the AMS Suite.
These two works were also played at a concert 10 years ago.
A sell-out is predicted for this
concert, and tickets are on sale
now at the 8PLUT ln Moscow.
If there is no well-out, Mr. Brockington and his side-kick, Slim, will
be seen soliciting on the UBC cam
pus. Campus RCMP officers questioned if action will be taken against soliciting in a public place, replied, "no comment.''
U,3C Student Progressive*
Conservative Club will meet
today to discuss the UBC Student Progressive-Conservative
Club.
Speakers will be members of the
UBC Student Progressive-Conservative Club. Meeting I * scheduled
for 12:30 p.m. In the UBC Student
Progressive • Conservative Club
Huts  behind  Brock  Hall.
All members of the UBC Student Progressive - Conservative
Club are asked to attend.
mfs 0p *p
Club presidents are reminded
that all notices for the Ubyssey
must be ln the hands of the senior
editor by 3 p.m. on the day of publication.
Today's issue Is the last edition
of the Ubyssey this year.
ty       -ty ty
A mass meeting of Native Indian students will be held in Engineering 200 at 12:30 a.m. Sunday to discuss a brief on the rights
Df pre-med students on Vancouver
hospital* beds.
The meeting will be adjourned
following a report by  Vancouver
Medical Association  to the effect
that VGiH has no hospital beds.
ty       ty       ty
The possibilities of the spinal
column will be demonstrated to
medical students Friday by Miss
Knotta Wlftele, publicity chair*
man of the Vancouver Bone Pickers' Association.
She Is the backbone of the society"
ty       ty       ty
The Society of Unnatural Natur-
opaths will discuss the nature ot
processes in the botanical gardens
of UBC agriculture barns at 11
p.m. Tuesday.
UNTD, COTC N.G.
On VCF RSVP OK
AMS Prexy Vaughan Lyon will
hand an 10U to the VCF. but it'll
be strictly on the q.t.
"I told them to RSVP to UHC
AMS, but the SOB's refused PDQ,"
Lyon explained.
The MAD, WUS, BUS and WAA
ail had COD instead of FOB, so
Lyon went to the UBC VIP to ask
aid   from   the   UNTD,   the   COTC
and  the  RUK.  but  it  wasn't OK,
it was NO, Lyon stated. a;;5:   F0U.V,
■'id*'" !,*■?<* —
-,,.*$ Wl
UBYSSEY CLASSIFIED
THIS IS TRUE
ROOM & BOARD in Frat House,
for summer months. 1 block from
MacDonald bus line! Reasonable.
Full house privileges. Phone evenings, CH 8114.
TVFINO
TYPING: English and foreign languages, theses, essays, manscrlpts.
card work, letters of application.
Campus rates. Miss Elolse Street,
Dalhousie Apts. AL 065*R.
TYPING: Theses, essays, etc.
"Bobby" at HA 1620ft, 8675 E 6th.
LOST one large 20 ot. bottle In
Chem. 200. Required immediately
for tilling. Phone AL 3466.
LOST, one large 26 os. bottle in
Chem. 100. Ot sentimental value.
Phone AL 8466.
SURPRKE ON TITO FACE of retiringEdit^ is through finding, not a
cockroach in that copy of the new Totem, but hew Publications Board boss Hugh Cameron
who, it appears, has been liviing between the pages of the campus yearbook for the past two
seasons. Happy al*he thought of seeing the sunshine once more, Cameron eagerly accepts the
helping hand offered,him. _
Held Up on Way to Campus
Politicians Aren't
Political At UBC
Officials administering DVA
pay for armed forces veterans
at the university were held up
late Thursday afternoon.
Payroll clerks were involved in
a traffic tie up ln Vancouver which
held them up for over 15 minutes.
Holdup Is being investigated by
university, oficials.
Some of UBC's outstanding poli•<•
tlcians   have   been   exonerated   of
charges of "political leaning."
Defendants denied any connection with the "provincial attitude
of either Liberal or Conservative
parties."
"In the modern age a 'political
machine is no longer a chip off
the old block," bresldent Vaughan
Lyon tokl student council legislators.
"Thc smooth lines of tho machine are gone, and even red tape
is being credited to the Free Communists Seamstress's Association."
Student Ron Cbeffln took a more
conservative tack on  the issue.
"It's purgery," he said.
"The people expect a politician
to swear allegiance to the flag,
and to more liquor, and to less
drinking, and to better paid professors, and to fewer lectures, and
to giving more more money to
nurses   in   hospital   beds.
"They  squawk  about  more  hospital  Insurance,  without reasoning '
the fact that there are no* hosplt-1
als   in  Vancouver  to  use them  In
anyway. So  what's the difference.
The  meeting was adjourned  so !
that   campaigns   could   be   started
for the election of a vice-president
to Student's Council,
CLASSIFIED
THIS IS TRUE
CAREER IN RADIO:  Announcing,
singing,  public  speaking,  continuity writing. Phone Miss Ethel Ann
Wallace. PA C501.
TUXEDO, size 37, In perfect condition, $25. Phone Ken at KB 2*!07R
•»6   AUSTIN   COACH,   just   over*
hauled,   new   battery.   '51   plates.
1235   or   best   offer.   KB   2307R.
ROOM A BOARD, ETC.
HOUSEKEEPING ROOM. $5, also
board.   Single   and   sharing,   men.
OH ?20ti.
LARGE -DOUBIjR ROOM, with aea
view in central West Eud. PA 6501.
But they agcee on the best design
for budgets — steady saving
at
ntmuonamsusi
Eyil
BANK'OF MONTREAL
^L^^m^W^^r~1r~W *^P        m^T'TW^S^wW     lmmW^rw1w^0
Your Bank on the Campus . . .
In the Auditorium Building
MERLE C KIRBY,
Manager
WOKKINO WITH CANADIANS IN IVIRY WALK Of IIP! SINCfc
Ml 7
yi3»Q
THE DEFENCE RESEARCH BQA3t© lUWIflKES
PHYSICS. GRADUATES
The Defence Research Board requires grW^e** tor lulMlrae
employment iu the following specialised ^^j^|»^^t|}e«:j*-
'■''.'! 'w'ttr if  iii", if i
f
RADIO PHYSICS ,
ELECTRONIC8
ENGINEERING PHYSIOS
AERODYNAMICS
These positions are for the Board's Laboratories located at
Halifax, N.S., Valcartler, P.Q., Ottawa, Ont., and Ei^mnelt, B.C.
The Initial salarlos fpr applicants with Bachelor Degrees *rl}\
not be lower.than 12,760 per annum. Allowances will be <m»de tor
those applicants having experience aud additional academic quaU-
cations. -i ■
Apply to; DIRECTOR OF RESEARCH PERSONNEL.
DEFENCE RESEARCH BOARD,
DEPARTMENT GV NATIONAL ©EFEBKIE,
"A" BUILDING, OTTAWA, ONTARIO.
■^jj^jj^jjjj^_^_^_^^
<   THE DEFENCE RESEARCH 80ARD REQUIRES
ENGINEERS
The Defence Research Board requires graduate Engineers, tor
full-time employment in the following specialise^ fleJdsf-f- ;.;;,
Electrical   Engineers—Five   positions—foil' £aboratMd#' ■ et
Hallfa\. N.8., Valcartler, P.Q., and OttdHra, Out.
Mechanical   Entjineers—Ten "positions—for   Laboratories   at
Valcartler, P.Q., Halifax, N.S., and Suffleld, Alta.
Chem^al   Engineers—Four   positions—for   Laboratories   at
Halifax, vN.S.. and Valcartler. P.Q.
Metallurgical"   Engineers—Two   positions—for   tho    Board's
Laboratory at Halifax, N.S.
The Initial salaries for applicants with Bachelor Degrees will
not be lower than $2,760 per annum. Allowances will be made for
applicants having experience and additional academic qualifica
tions
Apply to: DIRECTOR OF RESEARCH PERSONNEL,
DEFENCE RESEARCH BOARD,
DEPARTMENT OF NATIONAL DEFENCE,
"A" BUILDING, OTTAWA, ONTARIO.
THE FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE PLAN
OF THE
DEFENCE RESEARCH BOARD
FOR 1951-52
The Defence Research Board is now accepting applications for financial assistance from high ranking Canadian students registered in Science or Engineering, who
will graduate from University in 1952, preferably at the
Master's or Ph D Levels.
The conditions of acceptance will be the same as for
1950-51, but the monthly payment will be $162.00.
Application forms may be obtained from the Registrar
or Placement Officer.
Apply to: The Director of Research Personnel,
Defence Research Board,
Department of National Defence,
"A" Building, Ottawa, Ontario.
THE DEFENCE RESEARCH I]OARD REQUIRES SCIENTISTS
FOR FULL-TIME EMPLOYMENT
LOCATION
Excellent opportunities for qualified Scientists are available at
the following locations:  Halifax. N.S.. Valcartler, P.Q., Ottawa,
Kingston and Toronto, Out., Fort Churchill, Man., Suffleld, Alta,
Esquimau, B.C.
WORKING CONDITIONS
Each laboratory is thoroughly modern, contains the latest types
of equipment, and provides excellent working conditions for the
individual scientist.
SALARY SCALES
Starting salaries will vary from $2,760 to $4,000 per annum depending on academic qualifications and experience and provision is made for regular annual Increments within each salary
range.
EMPLOYEE  BENEFITS
(a) Group Hospital and Medical Insurance Plans.
(b) Retirement of Superannuation benefits.
(c) Generous leave benefits, including: —
(1) Up to 18 days' vacation leave per year,
(2) 10 Statutory holidays per year.
(3) Cumulative sick leave credit of 18.days per year.
(4) Other special benefits for specific purposes.
Full Information regarding positions now available may be
obtained by writing to: —
THE DIRECTOR OF RESEARCH PERSONNEL,
DEFENCE RESEARCH BOARD,
DEPARTMENT OF NATIONAL DEFENCE,
• A" -BUILDING, OTTAWA," ONTARIO. PROFESSORS
*
j *■*
Details ftifi IS
THE NEWS
Hot Cold
Windy
DROPPED
SCHEDULED TO APPEAR before the newly-established
Wcvmen's Dormitories All-Night Party Investigation Committee formed to investigate all-night parties at the Women's
Dormitories, is campus coed Anne Howe. Dean Mawdsley said
that Miss Howe is being questioned concerning night activities
at the Dorms because "I like a good time just as much as the
next girl, and I want to find out what I'm missing."
BULLETINS
BURNS LAKE, B.C.—(PROM NEWS-HAROLD SPECIAL CORRESPONDENTS)—A meeting of the Burns Lake
women's knitting circle was held a few minutes before press
tims this morning. Mrs. John Y. Smith, wife of John Y. Smith,
well-known ,Burns Lake Citizen, served ham and eggs.
In Vancouver, John Robert. Jones, 23-year-old convicted
shoplifter, announced he would appeal his conviction on theft
of 23c worth of soap from Woodward's Department store to
B.C. Appeal Court.
Call
Girls
Broke
The recent public controversy over so-called "Cell Girls"
who allegedly use taxi cabs In
the oonduet of their totlvltles,
merits considerable public attention. The News-Herald's
probing Lionel Pepper has
shown just how Ill-informed
newspapers sre snd how callous the public can be. We rec-
' ommend his heart-warming human report to all our readers.
By LIONEL PEPPER
Often, when you look at a
sensationalized news story
while smoking your pipe with
your feet up on the hearth, you
find it wasn't so sensational
after all.
Now take me, for Instance. I'm
(continued on Page Four)
Lyon Roars Disapproval of Way
Liberal Club Not Being Run
The head of of UBC's student government may resign.
His name is Vaughan Lyon.
He will resign to run for the Liberal leadership, on the
campus.
"I am resigning," Lyon told the*-
News-Harold'a political editor, Martin C. Edmunds, during a long-i
distance telephone interview from |
Point Grey.
He hopes to become president ot
the Liberal Club.
The Liberal Club ls a political
organization of student Liberals.
"What those Liberals need ls
for somebody to throw a firecracker under them," Lyon said.
It was not known at press time
whether Lyon was hinting use of
the A-Bomb, which is believed
under production in UBC Physics
building.
Donaldson Unable
Nonie Donaldson, former AMS
president finds that she is constitutionally unable to obtain the
position.
Donation
Said Cheap
Family man Al Westcott, defeated candidate for the AMS presidency, labelled Vaughan Lyon'* recent move to give up his $200 honorarium as a "cheap publicity
stunt." ' '
"Lyon knows damn well where
he can get money," said the angered Westcott.
"lie is just laying another plank
lor his political platform, and his
political cronies will again back
him  financially.''
No statement had heen received
from Lyon or the Liberal party hy
press time.
PAIR DISCOVERED IN  SINFUL CLINCH
Love Nest Bared In Brock Lounae
■ll'.cit love-nest was uncovered
in '"rock Lounge early Wednesday.
Ba! led authorities admitted they
had no knowledge of Uh presence
tint.*: an alert student discovered
te!) 'ale  signs  of  the  den  of pas
sion.
Brock,Hall authorities could
not explain  how the pair had
been carrying on  for so  long,
right under their noses.
Proctor   Rill   Rradshaw   said,   '
JtVL WfLddinq* 9nvIiaJtmnA,
SEE THE
COLLEGE PRINTERS LTD.
4436 West 10th Avenue ALma 3253
Printers of "The Ubyssey"
passed them almost every day and
at times 1 must have heen within
a halrsbroadth of uncovering their
hideout."
Evidence showed that the
two had obviously been carrying on their activities for at
least four months before discovery.
Shocked students watched as officials fumigated the recently occupied cubby-hole and evicted the
sinfully   affectionate   couple.
Officials   from   the   Biology   department   at   the   university   took
charge of the pair and promised to
take good care of the female who
was rumored to be "that way."
John  Whltefoot,  Biology  Instructor   estimated   the   probably progeny of total an even
half-dozen.
The twp mice were carried off
j in a small wooden box, lined with
i sofa   stuffing  culled   from   the   remains of their ruined love ne.-st.
SHIRTS mi CLEANING
1-DAY SERVICE
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4S13W. lOtb Ava
at
EDWARD  GERMAN'S   LIGHT  OP€RA
MERRIE ENGLAND
10th ANNUAL PRODUCTION OF
Knox Operatic Group
IN U.B.C. AUDITORIUM
APRIL 5, 6 and 7
75c $1.00 $1.25
Tickets Now on Sale at MODERN MUSIC LTD.
536 Seymour Street
ALL SEATS RESERVED
«-Npi NEWS - HAROLD
Friday, March 30, 1951
THE SECOND FRONT PAGE
\
UBC  President  Involved
In  Blazing  Gun  Fray
Dr. N. A. M. MacKenzie, president of the University of
British Columbia, was involved in a fatal shooting fray Thursday. ";
MacKenzie wqs reported to have
shot two pheasants while taking
part ln a hunting trip.
Both pheasants died.
-4
FIRST ENTRY fctSTED TO RUN for the newly-made office of Vice President of the Alma
Mater Society is the above student, unidentified at* press time. It is assumed by reliable
sources close to the AMS offices that several imie students will be running for vice president
after the* election.
Horrorscope
■y ANN 0. CULT
YOU   IORN   TODAY—probably
can't read yet.
You were born under Neon^lgn,
and are Inclined to be aggressive,
Intuitive, well-balanced, Intelligent, creative, humourous, subtle,
honest, alert, co-operative, rational
and artistic, However, you may
not be,
If you must pick a day to he
born, this is a good day. (SCHIS
premiums are being nppefl In July*
you know) - Better, eay,*th«n1)6jttB
born under fa^ru* the flt»li,'^to
which case you will have a ring
ln your nose, or under Virgo and
Virgin, which can be very dull,
Born under Neon: you may tend to
flicker and hum, but your friends
may never notice.
Neon people are most likely to
succeed as Tinker (s), Tailor (s),
Soldier (s), Sailor (s), Richmen,
Poormen, Beggermen, Thief (s).
Doctor (s), Lawyer (s), Indian (s),
Chief, or Engineers.
CALL GIRLS
(Continued from PagI Three)
just an ordinary joe with* a wife
and a couple of kids. I'm not an
expert in anything, but t think I
do have a bit of insight Into news
stories.
The story I'm thtnWng of Is the
one headed the other, day "Call
©Iris Use Taxis, City Fathers
Learn."
USE CABS
Now this is a matter or some
public interest. The story Implies
that a group within our city, called, disparagingly, "call girls" are
undesirable. It also Implies that
they make a lot of money, else
"how could they afford taxi' cabs?
So I hopped a streetcar and went
clown the unit block East Pender.
Not a very savory part of town,
you'll say. Well, maybe It Isn't.
But there are a lot of real hopest
clean-llvlng souls down therei   ,,
The place where Dora "lives* 1-
a three-store frame building, need-'
ing a little paint, needing a few
more boards on the front steps.
But it's honest and clean looking.
I  MET DORA
Dora isn't what, you'd call a
pretty girl, mind you. But, then
phc's not ugly either. I guess
"comfortable" Is the word I'm looking for.
She greeted me with a charming
sniile.
And then she looked sad,
"Look, here, she said this business has been pretty rough on mo."
"What with taxes and nil—you
know policeman's ball tax, policemen's build-ti-'iie-w-lioit'-'c-for'Toc,
<ax. police menV.-flnwers-for-.IIni'H
tax, policemen's flowers for Jim's
wife tax, all that sort of thing.
I've heen pretty hard pressed.
PEOPLE UNFAIR
"People have always been a bit
rough on us call girls. But, after
all, what's dlffererence between us
and the Saturday Evening Post?
"Just a little entertainment, you
might say.
"Walk the streets, maybe."
Well folks, that's Dora's story
Yon can see right there that she
hasn't got any money to throw
around on cabs. And you can see
she's right up against lt.
I don't know whether we ought
to disapprove of call glrla or not.
But I'm a humanitarian.
I don't believe in forcing people
out on  the  streets.'
The type of sensationallsation
with which certain newspapers
treat this story can only accomplish Just that.
Donaldson Unable
To Get Important
Campus Position
Nonie Donaldson, former AMS
president, finds that she is constitutionally unable to obtain the
position of the chief of Functional
and Constitutional Investigations
Into the Reorganized Women of
Lower. ,
Brock Attendant
Seeks Hew Deal
A regular attendant, at Brock
TTall today called for a new deal
following a recent upset in the
Brock lounge.
The student, a fourth year arts-
man majoring In Bridge 356, called
out "deal the cards again" when
the last round of bridge had been
played out.
Nomtt in thi Ntws
Berlin Man
George •n»«tcb of West Berlin
Is a happy man today.
Oeorge is a happy man because
his wife, Gertrude ls happy.
And Gertrude, of course, is happy because she has a new washing
machine.
. She got her new washing machine this way.
The Leerolux Happy Home Washing Machine Co. of Lakeswamp,
Ind., offered a new washing machine to anyone sent them 5,000
gallons of soapsuds. Mr. Smotch,
who listens to the Voice of America, heard about the offer and sent
the company a barrel of Oerman
Beer (real suds) he says.
(A late Associated Press Dispatch says Mr. Smotch, his wife
and three children, were killed
today when a U.S. B-26 Bomber
crashed Into their home. All 37
UjS. Army personnel aboard are
believed dead.)
Death comes in man ways and
to many people. In Vancouver
Howard L. Q. Ritz-Jones, died at
home after a stroke which kept
him bed-ridden for two years.
City Detective C. F. LanfrOth,
investigating the case said, although three ounces of strlchnlne
were found in Mr. Rltz-Jones blood
stream, the death was probably the
result of natural canses.
"After all," said Detective Lan-
froth, "how can you live with tl|i*ee
ounces of strlchnlne ln you?
"Any guy would die. Sure It's
natural."
is    s
iDieas
Nonie Donaldson, former AMS
president, finds that she Is constitutionally unable to obtain the
position of the chief.
v*m-- wHwmww*mm ~ wsjn*W9w '■
low wiir iim $-¥«, J
Sunday, 11 a.wi,   '"'*>;:;.-
Subject:
"The Cry of the Soul for God"
No demand of humanity is more
pathetic and ineradicable than its
cry for something wblch we call
Clod. There does not seem to be
any reason that this demand will
cease as long as man remains on
the earth.
Minister A. HODQKINS, M.A.
CASTLE JEWELERS
I860 W. 10th Ave. (Alee at 739 GranvUle)
See Our WATCH IS by
■ulova, llgln, Graft), Relax, Ito.
EXPERT WATCH REPAIRS
;l: ,
mm
■ii^ie
PORTRAITS
"our speciolty"
l
We have Cap,
Qown & Hood
4538-W. lUtn       vupp. bate ways at Sasmat)
AL 2404 m
<>*..
— v»
Fridav, March 30, 1951
..ult CArttltS are being cut in Vancouver these days with
the advent of the popular new Home Wrestling Clubs, successors to the recently outlawed Home Quiz Clubs. Here Mrs. Erma
Pott-Hope shows city stockbroker R. M. Homes how to break
a man's neck in lone easy lesson. Sun Photographer Jones Young
had to stand well back to take this one.
THE FAT BOY'S DIET
! Bulges
I
BY THI SHADOW
Wow!
You should've seen me last year!
Bulge! I bulged out everywhere.
Now I bulge ln.
Yep! At one- time I was fatter
than any of the rest of yoii fatheads!
Dut I decided to do something
about lt!
I was tired of having to dtand
outside telephone booths when I
talked to my girl. Dut there simply wasn't room for both of us m
there!
Boy! Was I fat! I weighed !)67
pounds, not counting my pivot
tooth!
How did I do It? Did I have to
take strenuous exercises?
I bet you're thlnHing "Tcp." But
the answer Is Nope.
What did I do?
I quit eating for seven years
and three months, it was easy.
You can do lt, too,
(Tomorrow The Shadow will
explain how ne can sneak Into
hie home at night without even
opening the door).
Bather's Nightshirt
By MURRAY
"What ls this I see dn the
paper?" my Mommy says to my
Daddy. "They have elected a
Lion to be president of the
Alma  Maker Society  at UBC."
"Then I guess they'll have to
put a new claws in the Constipation," my Daddy reply with
great glea.
"Do not talk like that," my
Mommy say with an angry jester, ''If you pade more attention to tstudent af fares you
would maybe become a professor some day."
"I wud rather dig ditches,"
my Daddy reply, "because at
leest they get paid for it."
BATHER
reply, "but I see he used to be
a Liberal president."
"No wonder he is used to
getting elected," my Daddy say
with a scoff, "In fact Liberals
are usually so busy getting
elected they do not have time to
he Liberal about anything else."
"Oh, look here, it says he is
six feet four inches tall," my
Mommy exclaim. "Think how
tall he would be with a hat on."
"He would even he toller with
his umbrella up, I bet." my Daddy reply with a lear.
"I do not wander that you are
not President yourself," my
Mommy say, stalking out of the
mme.
Amazing Tate
Reveals Teeth,
An amazing story1 of political
graft was revealed today by Doug
Stelnson, fourteenth president of
the Liberal Club on campus this
year.
He told an AMS committee that
Vnughau I.yon, AMS president,
was in receipt of ''largo sums of
money" from "Liheral organizations In 39 B.C. cotysjthuencles."
Approached by ah (AMS* disciplinary committee! to "'refute or fiiIv
slantlate" charges laid by Al Westcott. Stelnson at first merely
laughed.
Later he said, through broken
teeth,   "I'll  talk!   I'll  talk!"
AMS Head
Cant Figure
Roach Lack
No cockroaches were reported
found ln the Engineering building,
after a hurried search by.Mo' members of the EUS who were especially appointed to investigatje them*
absence.
"I just can't imagine where they
could be," one official was quoted
as saying. "They're supposed to be
here. We read It In the newspaper."
READING
nmWm—tmWmWWW
' Pink Lady Banned from Club . . .
page 28.
Truman  vs  MacArthur  ln  Yankee Stadium  (main event) . . .
page 13.
Dairy Industry Crippled by Pub
Disease . . . page 14. ,'
By ST. PIERRE PAUL
I saw, UBC. blow up today.
I sat in a back row in a crowded, smoke-filled, lunch-paper-
littered lecture room while young, blonde Alma Mater Society
President Vaugh Lyon warned students of "impending disaster.";
Lyon,   standing   tall   and   ere.ct<$-
told students he was resigning his
presidency at once to seek  leadership   of   the   Liberal   Party   o'
CJftuada. '
His* yforcj swei'e met with a stunned silence, broken moments later
by upibariritts cheers followed by
a mass exodus of petition waving
students who rushed out onto the
tnmpus,
i I.yon tojd the students "What
these jffoefhis need Is a real good
firecracker under them."
'Ills   supporters   said   later   that
this  was Intended  as an advailce-
* *
tip-off  of  a   bomb-throwing   inarch
on  Ottawa.
The march will follow the t.*adi-
tion   of   the   Oreat   Trek   of   19-J2.
Students said they would erect
a chair In Ottawa in memory of
the cairn at UBC.
Informed Jjplitlcal sources, reported highly jittery, say thoy
think the plot Is a "direct Impetus
toward action on federal aid to
education."
The    following    paragraph*
were wired to the Vancouver
from Ottawa by Sun Staff Re-
orter St. Pierre Paul who left
by air minutes after the riotous UBC meeting.
This capital Is In an uproar.
1 have spent the last few hours
Interviewing Important political
leaders In preparation for the UBC
mass march en Ottawa.
John Wilson Glut, a wiry little
man, known throughout Canada, as
the engineer who keeps the parliament building hot .had this to say:
"The way I see it, the Prime
Minister is in for a hot seat* I
don't what this young lad Lyon is
like, but If he gets cold feet down
| here, I'll see he's warmed up
again."
VAUGHN LYON
... to Ottawa
With bombs ...
Readers Buy
Tot
Elsewhere on this page, Son staff
reporter Patrick "John" Keat^
tells the heart-rending story of
little Lucy.
Luc would have had to go without a bicycle except for the fact
that generous Vancouver Son readers have poured donations Into
The Vancouver Son office to help
Lucy.
One generous reader poured her
a rye.
, Another    poured*   salt    in    her
Wounds.
Mftny others Just poured Into Tha
Son office.
Lucy now has $4,567,938.26 In a
special fund.
PET DIES IN TRAGIC BLAZE
Tot
By   PATRICK   "JOHN*-   KEATS
Little Lucy is heartbroken.
On a hard wooden bench in Nunn
and Timson Dog Funeral Home
lies the charred body of her nine-
month-old black cocker spaniel.
"Perky."
Perky was a brave little dog.
Perky smelled smoke in the tiny,
east-end shanty of Lucy's parents,
Mr. and Mrs. Robert Toop, 103
East Pencrer.
Little Perky, his tail wagging
anxiously, ran from his dog kennel through the shanty window.
He barked at Mr. Toop and he
barked at Mrs. Toop,
But they didn't answer.
They were dead.
The fire had consumed their
bed.
Then he harked at Little Lucy's
bed.
But she didn't answer.^
She was out playing hopskotch.
And auyway she lived with her
grandmother, Mrs. Peter Zubin-
sky, 9l>31 Arbutus because, you
see, her father was a bootlegger
and he didn't want his little girl
disturbed by those noisy customers.
So Perky just sat and barked.
And when the firemen came he
harked some more.
In fact he barked so loud that
one of the firemen mistook him for
a fire captain and turned the blowtorch that firemen use for burning down walls on him.
Afterwards, of course, tho fireman  said   he  was   sorry.
But Little Lucy is still heartbroken because she was going to
sell Perky to a dog breeder and
buy a  bicycle.
And now that Perky is dead slip
can't sell him. And she can't buy
a bicycle.
So Little Lucy Is  heartbroken. # a..
  IN THE RACE, too, is U.BC
NEW TASK for ex-corinator BACK AT „ m be redshirt IN THE NEWS agala is dis- JOCKO McKINNON, two fist-
Jim Midwinter was announced appearing UBC AMS Prexy athletic Dick Penn. 1 ve been ed ex.uBC treasurer is rum-
today.                                          Bill Haggert. John Haat 4 running,a long time, he said, oured   running   for   V.P.
^e%lO!UMr &m [Vancouver hour by hour
6
Friday, March 30, 1951
THE THIRD FRONT PAGE
MY TOWN
by Jock Scotch*
Horse Manure
I was just scraping up the
horse manure which the milk-
• man had tracked onto the ba<*k
porch of our little mansion when
then Doc hove In sight.
"Well, Pudgy." he leered slyly winking at me with his good
eye, 'how Is life treating you
today? Or are you buying your
own?"
"You wouldn't be so cheerful
if you had to jllng this stuff day
after day the way I do." I said,
perhaps a Httlo more Irritably
thiin I wanted to sound.
"You know the trouble with
you young fellows?" the Doc
said, placing one spiked .shoe In
•* the small of my back and preparing to launch Into a philosophical soliloquy.
"Yeh." I said, "our trouble
ii that we get old and philosophical far too soon."
"Oh, I don't know," the Hoc
said. "The real trouble Is your
age."
And Younger
"OI<?" I said looking, strnlglnf
injo his glass eye.
"Sure." the Doc said between
puffs on his pipe. "You youngsters today don't know how to
he young. And then when yon
g'-l old. why you don't know
'     what old age really Is."
"Oh?" I said, pressing my
point.
"N'o." the Doc went on. "Take
that thing you like to call love.
for example. I presume you love
your wife."
"Sure." I said "but does that
make me abnormal?"
"You don't know how to live."
that's my kind of bird."
"You're more like an ostrich."
the Doc grinned, good-naturedly pulling at my pin-feathers,
"but I wan't to know when
you're going to take your head
out of the sand and look around
you."
The  Punch  Line
"Why bother?' I asked him.
"when there's nothing but old
fogies like you to look at?"
"You may have something
there," the Doc said, half to
himself, as he thoughtfully rubbed his round Uttle tummy,
I glanced at his waistline.
"Do you know what you remind me of?" I asked, baiting
the hook.
"What?" the Doc asked, slobbering saliva down his pipe
stem and onto his chin.
"The little girl rabbit." I said.
"She, too, had trouble witli an
Ingrown hare."
"Good-bye," tho Doc said, "I
can stapd your Insults, but
spare me from your alleged humor."
UP ONE
NOSTRIL
by Mamie Baloney
But I parked Luflcer the Thlrr'
on the John the other day and man
aged to read a few pages of whn»
I consider an Interesting sldeligh*
on the American scene.
It's an old volume, actually, that
i I always Intended to read and
never quite got around to.
the Doc said. "Why when I was! Comment'nf (>n one aspect of
your age. I'd been unfaithful at j the problem, Webster has this tc
least in times with M different   say:
women.
"Hut   you're
not   married,"   1
"Entrant,   n.   One
room, profession, &c,
who   enters*
or for  (racr
protested, settling back onto tho&*c.) (S. part, as enter)
pile of fertilizer In one corner ot!     "Entrap,  v.t.   (--pp—).  Catch   iv
the   garden   of   our   monstrous  or as in trap:  hegullo  (perslon  t
abode. (destruction  Ic.)   f.  OF en   (trapc*
"All the more reason." the j trap)
Doc went on. dipping t\\a howl And then later he goes on to say
■ if his pipe into a Jar of bubble-: "Moss, n. & v.t. Wet spongy soil:
pipe mixture which he had sud-1 peatbog: kinds of small herbaceous
denly produced from his back | cryptogamous plnnt, some growinu
pocket. i ground, trees, stones &c. In erow-
"Take that geagull for ex-j In hogs, others on surface of
a tuple," he continued, pointing ided masses, whence mossiness n.,
to a sticky, white spot on his j mossy a., rolling stone gathers no
lapel. j m "
"You can't talk that way about I Which pretty well sums it up as
a  seagull," I protested because  far as I'm concerned.
Scot Seeks Brother
By  8HOD0Y   BEATTY
Well, Hour by Hour certainly
ha.s a lot of strange requests, ln
Its mailbag today, so here goes
with the first:
Haggis McBagpIpe, who hails
from the bra, brlch land o' the
heather (Scotland, to be more
exact), is in town, and he's looking
for his brother.'
If his brother, Sporran McBagpIpe, is in town, he could get in
touch with his brother Haggis by
depositing his own nickel in any
pay phone and calling HA 0000-L.
Or better still, Haggis says, "Just
fell him to send me the half farthing he owes me."
That's the only reason he came
to town, I believe.
Crime Pays: Hour by Hour had
another request, this time from
Joe Crime of Ladner, who says he
ls tired of having people make
fun of his name.
"Whenever I go Into a beer
parlor, my friends shun me," Joe
complains, "because they believe
that Crime doesn't pay."
Joe says he would like to meet
a nice, honest gangster who be
lieves that Crime does pay. "If
I do," Joe promises. I'll prove it by
buying him a beer."
Small World: How small can the
world get? Morris Snark, 101*'
Vine, found out the other day.
Down watching tho seagulls on the
dock, Morris accidently met his
twin brother, Leon, whom he had
not seen for six days..        *
And to top it all off, Morrill and
Leon got to comparing their family backgrounds. Ahd what (io you
think, begad*? They found they
both had the same mother!
Here's How; Jack Spratt, 101
Yukon, phoned the other day to
say he finally got a "29" crib
hand, his very first, although he's
been playing'like mad all week.
"It was the first time I got a
chance to deal," he explained.
Quip-of-the-Week: Down at the
Lions Club luncheon at Hotel Van*
couver Wederiiiday, Eton Reporter
Pierre St. Paul overheard the following converaatloh between two
Lions:     -   a>j      %>■];'''
','Grrrrrrrrr."
"Orrrrrrrrr,"   the  other  replied.
Another E. A. Lee Service!
We are pleased to announce the addition of a
COMPLETE FORMAL WEAR
RENTAL DEPARTMENT
apart from our regular formal wear stock
You will find the proper attire for every formal occasion in this
new department . ... Morning Clothes, Directors' Suits, Bull Dress
Tails, Dinner Jackets and Tuxedos ... all In the same high
quality and styling that has made thc B.A. LEE label a mark
of distinction.
This is all new stock . . all new 1951 models in
EVERY size! Shorts, Tails, Regulars and Stouts!
Give us a call ... we shall be happy to serve you!
E. A. Lee Ltd.
623 Howe St.
MArine 2457
P.S.—We are also carrying a Full Selection of Correct
Formal Accessories.
m
means so much
and Coca-Cola hat
tho quality you trust
COCA-COU ITD.-
VANCOUVER
Ask for it either way ... hth
trade-marks mean the satoe thing.
62IX *
VANCOUVER DAILY PROVIDENCE
Friday, March 30, 1951
f
NINE STAR       BLACK  STREAK
MID-DAY
EDITION
HEADLINES       OLD  NEWS
'Boss   Unafraid
Of Lyon Threat
Donaldson Finds Sht
Cannot InvtitigaU
Nonie Donaldson, former AMS
president, finds that "she Is constitutionally* unable to obtain the
position of the Chief of Functional
l and Constitutional Investigations
Into the Reorganized Women of
Lower Brock Hall.
She was declared Ineligible for
the position by the appointments
committee after heat.
SPrtliNG COMES in a rush—and it's not all rain either. Pretty
Majorette Joan McGuigan, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. E.R.P.
McGuigan, 1347 Larch, faces Spring with a smile. And we'll bet
she gets lots of smiles back, too.
Elderly Man Holds
Faith In Vancouver
Colorful histbry was recalled in Vancouver tpday when
pioneer salesman Josh Bushman celebrated his thirty-fifth
birthday.
Mrs. Bushman who lives at 617 Oak, came to Vancouver
n 1930.
a^      ' 0m» Jk • j Mr.     Bushman     recalled     such
C7r*L JwUL ytlAJIiCUL     oarly  Indents «« the Post-Offtce
riots of 1!'37 and the disappearance of Kerrisdale street cars ln
1949.
Interviewed by Dally Providence
reporters In front of a cake loaded
down with ?.•"> candles, Mr. Bushman is celebrating his birthday
with his wife Katy, '13, and three
children Sally 7, John 10, and Peter 13 ln the quiet of his home.
"Yep, I'm really a pioneer, i
guess. I've seen a lot ln my years.
And I got faith in Vancouver."
news
Odd
Things
Occur
Foreign House
Hotbed
Rumors   that   Internationa!
H6use   at   the   University   of
j British  Columbia is  fast be
coming  the  scene  of  strange
relations, have been received
by The Providence.
International Relations are proceeding in ai» ever Increasing pace.
A crisis is expected to develop
shortly.
POINT GREY — (INS) — International house at UBC has been
reported to be the hot bed of a
violent  (international)  struggle.
According to Informed sources
representatives of the Iron urtaln
countries have refused to close
them.
POINT GREY -(Reuters)—According usually reliable sources, a
clash between representative Is
taking place at UBC's International
house.
The dispute has seemed to arisen over the Iron Curtains that are
being use dto furnish the structure.
The,Western Nations have been accused of drilling holes in at attempt to undermone their privacy.
POINT GREY~-( Chicago Daily
"News Foreign Service) — The Russian puppet government representatives at International House al
UBO nre attempting to usurp control, it was learned today by our
special   correspondent.
He Twisted My Tale/
Lyon Growls
By GORDON McCRUST
(Daily Providence Political Reporter)
B.C.'s hard-pressed, much harassed government may
get a new leader. And it's going to be rough.
Vaughn L. P. Lyon, 1104 Laburnum president of UBC's
7000-member $150,000-a-year Alma Mater Society today announced that he would "bomb his way" to the presidency of the
B.C. Liberal Party.
Youthful, blonde, square-headed Lyon says his resignation
as president of the AMS will be effective immediately.
At a storm-tossed, resolution be-?~
set meeting of the UBC Student
Liberal   Club.   Lyon  said:   "WhatI
these do-nothing, premium hiking!
Liberals need Is a firecracker under them"
(Informed sources told this newspaper that the reference to "firecracker" Implied that he would
force and violence. Another source
says he has already been promised
the support of Nigel Morgan and
his well-known team of professional  boBib-throwers.)
Meanwhile, In Victoria, Premier
Byron I. "Bosj Johnson, Room 304
Empress Hotel, said his government would "stand and stand for
at least two ears."
"I don't care If he throws an
A-Bomb at me. Im not afraid of
A-Bombs. In fact the opinion of
this government has always been
that the danger of A"^oml)S luVil
been greatly exaggerated.
Fraser Valley M.P. George Cm-
iksbank had a different story, however, %
Outspoken Mr. Cruickshp'' who
will be remembered for his forthright statement that "I'Vaser Valley phoneVgirls are the prettiest In
Canada" said:
"This Is what the government
needs. A damn good bomb. The
government has gotten too big for
its britches. I understand Lyon
wears his britches two sizes larger
than presently needed."
PAT DANIEL, Canadian ISS
Secretary, left today for Tim-
buctoo to teach philosophy to
'backward" camel drivers.
Street-Walkers
Turn Down $200
National Association of Tired.
Broken-Down, and Homeless Street
Cleaners today refused Liberal
AMS President Vaughan Lyon's
offer of $200, ttie .VMS honorarium which Lyon gave up.
"We're clean people." said a
spokesman. "We can't take no
tainted money."
THE DAILY  PROVIDENCE
Imanac
On  Page 13 5li#: Viv;
*,-* ** "*
ALLEYS
By JOHN MAYHIM
We had a very dull day down
at the station today. Very dull.
Unless, of course, you count that
, slightly curvaceous blonde who
said she was a UBC co-ed. A
nice-looking kid, too, you'd
never guess she'd haul her fiance into court' merely for pulling
her hair ln the lounge of tbe
women's dormitory aft UBC.
Seems it all started when her
boyfriend called for her ln his
1937 convertible. Instead of
parking the car, she said, and
coming up to the door of the
dormitory and asking for her as
any well-mannered young man
would be expected to do, he
just sat there in his convertible
and honked.
"That's right, he Just sat there
and honked," and the slightly
curvaceous blonde who we'll
call  Sally. , ,'
Sat Tight
"When I beard hi)n,j honking
I just decided to sit tight In the
.   lounge, right where I yas—you
see, 1 was ell dressed and ready
for him," she hastened  to ex-
• plain.
"But I just couldn't go running out every time a car honk-
• ed.now could I?"
We were all Inclined to agree
j It would he quite unseemly of
t her to go running out every time
a car honked.
"After about five minutes of
honking, Tommy suddenly leaped out of the car, dashed Into
tho dorm and pulled me by the
hair out to the car..
"I don't think that was very
friendly-like of him."
Tommy was the picture of Injured male vanity when he took
the stand but lt was plain to us
all that a note ofrepentance
sounded In his voice' as he told
his story.
THE FOURTH FRONT PAGE
Quite Small
Every Night
ON THE CAMPUS
mmmm
Everybody Exonerated
Vancouver's dally newspapers
were today charged with "over-
•ensatlonalization" of a Student's
Jouncll meeting, held Monday to
iry UBC "engineers for the death
)f 288 people, and the destruction
if $200,000 worth of private property.
"The story wasn't worth two
inches ln the bottom left haad
corner of page 36," ex-president
Vonie Donaldson said today.
"It would have been more ln
line if it had been run in the
b'rth column of classified advertising."
She described the news coverage
as "too accurate for tlite best Int-
arests of the student' body."
"It was not for the good of
UBC, and certainly not worth mentioning that 15 engineers were
sentenced to death for their actions,'' she said.
*r *r t*
The student-newspaper Ubyssey
isn't again.
For the thirteenth time this year
the editorial board of the Publications Board resigned its position, this time on the grounds
that they "had heen wantll^ tp
resign for a month, and ^ttuncll
'".id not given them le^timaf^
v.tson for doing so."
Kdltor-in-chlef    Hay    Frost   al:*."*
charged that the Publication Board
had been given too much adverse
publicity ln the Ubyssey,- as a
result of Council Investigations.
"Council exonerated campus politicians at a meeting called to exonerate columnist Jim Banham for
charges which had failed to exon
erate* anybody, and in the end the
only -ones who weren't exonerated
were members of the Publications
Board," he said.
*He added that an extremely
meagre staff had failed to produce
anyone Intelligent enough to be
able to spell "exonerate,"
Through Looking Glass
By LAWftENCI SILVER
It social adjustment possible
for a person with four heads?
Yes, If the proble\ is faced realistically,; according to investigations conducted by the C~. c'la.i
Association of * Four-Headed Tightrope Walkers.
People with four heads must
realise that they have many advantages. They are better balanced than people with three heads,
more Intellectual than people with
two * or one. One quick glance
suffices to tell them whether they
may cross the street at a busy Intersection. And their beer-drinking
potentialities, provided they employ a few people to feed them,
are enormous.
Is a happy marriage possible
between a man and a woman?
' Ye-es,   though   we   find   no   survey to corroborate this statement.
The problem, of course, vmust be
faced realistically. Parties to such
a union must realize that they
will have an Initial difference In
interests to overcome, but realistic facing will overcome even this.
The;beet thing that may be said
about these marriages is that they
are useful for the propagation of
the race and the maladjustment of
children.
Liberal AMS President Vaushan
Lyon today gave ftp. „, -     I
t pit f II!
The Thunderbird maU'oag, which
is quite small anyway, is just
overflowing today. We have four
letters, frqm (places as far away
as Burnaby, and I want to say
thank you to all little Thunderbirds who wrote to me.
Mildred Montague wrote a nice
letter telling us all about her nice
school life. Thank you, Mildred,
for telling us you are ln Crude
Five at school   .
And Anastasia Gulch, who has
almost reached the Thunderbird
age limit of 15 years, wrote us •
nice letter telling us all about her
nice pets. Anastasia says:
"I got a cat- named Kitty, and he
will come when you call him.
"I had a dog named Blackie
once, but he don't move any mors."
There Is another hilce letter here,
postmarked Burnaby, but I can't
quite read the signature on it. I
can't read the letter either, If
the Thunderbird who wrote me
will try again, and print this time;
I will mention his letter in another
column.
])j~js.B<u.
-
Suburban Scrapbook
By PRATT WALLACE
Every time I drive over the old, picturesque, time-worn
Georgia Viaduct en my way to my tiny, cosy pink-padded
cell and see the soft, oozing, soot-grey dust sifting gently
oyer the gas reservoir, I am poignantly reminded of the
many natural, thrilling beauties of our lovely Vancouver.
Particularly touching are the
"I've been catling for Sally
nearly every night for most of
the term now," he said. "And
I've always parked my car and
walked like a gentleman up to
the dorm door and gone Into the
lounge and made quiet chlt-clutt
with the don until she appeared.
"But It was often half an
hour I'd be waking. The second
last time I called It was a; lull
hour. Now I couldn't take that
lying down, now could I?"
We had to agree he couldn't.
"So." Tommy continued, "I decided to get even. So I sat and
honked. I figured tltat was an
easy way to make her mad. And
if was. I only honked for a minute until t went In—and she mot
me at the door mad and everything—I had to grab her by:the
hair to protect yself. \<
"I dragged her out to the car
only to protect myself."
"And so she wouldn't be em-
barrased by making a scene in
the lounge. The dons are apt to
he a bit fusBy about that sort of
thing, you know.
"But you see, I had to do It.
My manhood was at stake. I had
to honk all the time she'd kept
me waiting.."
Yesslr, agreed the magistrate,
he certainly had. And just to
show how we all felt about tho
ca.-'o. Tommy got off with a
turning.
But. tiklng it all in all, things
were pretty dull down our way
yesterday morning.
lonely-looking groups of tatter-....
ed, weary vagabonds who wave
a feeble hand to the happy,
well-fed business people who
speed by In their new, luxurious motor-bikes.
And speaking of vaga;
bonds, I received an adorable
little momento from MARY
JANE LBTTKRDALE, who Is
home near BED-LAM In ENO
pawling the summer at a rest
LAND, Unfortunately she had
her hands caught behind her
back and could not write, but
she chewed an Iron bar from
her window and had it sent
"Special   Delivery."
I also had word from PETER
PICKPOCKET who took a short
trip up the river early this
spring. He says the weather
Is fine, but the finality of food
at the well-known resort has
deteriorated since he was there
last.
All this nostalgia brings
gushing to my mind the memory of MRS. IVAN TORTOS-
KI'S recent scavenger party
held In the airy, enchanting
surroundings of the CITY
DUMP.
Entrancing In her traditional
spring outfit of worn, threadbare, second-hand black shawl,
and the erown of a man's felt
hat decorated wth figurines
from bottles of Johnny Walker's best, MRS. TORTSKl
served up generous portions
of bathtub gin with an heirloom rusted dipper.
Guest of honor at the scavenger party was MAMIE MACK
EREL,   begulllngly   attired   in
an old serge suit of her brother,
was     cunningly      accessorized
with   the  corpse of  her  dead
cat at the neckline, and a corsage of fresh-picked dandelion
greens.
Also present was MRS. HAR-
RISON-HARiR I9GN4IAHRISON
In a new cotton wrapper, and
LYLABELLE HIGqiNS, wearing her spring bonnet  which
wee thumbnail pictures or 57
of her husbands mounted on
the brim. I noticed GEORGE
PINGHBARROW was not among them — does this mean
another romance'
IPS  FROM  BIRKS
WATCHES
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acceptable gifts for graduation. This famous watch ie
noted for accuracy and long service, the 17-jewei move*
wut is made in Switzerland especially for Dirks.
Lady's Watch, yellow case 29.75
Gentleman's Watch, yellow case      47.50
!! I H k S
Granville at Oeorgla
JEWELLERS
MA 6211
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fbr TOMORROW
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HARVEY STRANG LARRY WRIGHT
PETER MATHEWSON      J. J. CAPOZZI
JOHN TENER
J. R. BRANDON
ROYAL BANK BLDG., VANCOUVER
UFE ©FCANADA , •••■*>»-
Friday, March 30, &51 —, Page 9
wsmtfmsmmmm
RACING FIRES were kindled in UBC's Campus this afternoon as followers of Student Leader Vaughn Lyon practiced pyrotechnics in preparation for their avowed march on Victoria.
Fire Chief Donald Murray likened Lyon to the firebug of '98 who burned down Gastown.
ON THE SPOT
AT U W
Daily Providence staff photographers Chuck Billingham
and Hux Jones were on the
spot witnesses today when the
biggest political fracas in B.C.'s
history broke on UBC's campus.
Here, told by their sensitive
telephoto lenses in exclusive
Daily Providence photos is the
story which may go down in
history as the biggest event in
Vancouver history since the
building of Hastings "Sawmill.
Where photographers dared
not go, staff artists Verne Gril-
ler.and Ed Lawyer, hid behind
the curtains to draw an artists
conception of Student Leader
Vaughn Lyon and his henchmen as they plotted to A-Bmb
the legislative buildings.
PREDICTED  bomb-rarner  is
jv, Fraser   Valley   M.P.   George
WELL-KNOWN bomb-throwing team of Nigel Morgan, Tom   MT^Mih" *         "^    ":Mm*___M„__________\ Cruiksha"k'  Mr.  Cruikshank,
McEwan and George Stewart are shown below in gun practice. ■■iBH|Pf^'^^^flB|^^^H *                     '"              &tnP>
•Above, plot leaders Foster Isherwood and his unidentified R0\jGH AND TUMBLE "politics are exemplified above by (See ful1 comentary by Gordon
mistress have happy grins. three Lyon Henchmen caught unawares. McCrust Page One.)
POLITICANS were plotting in a back room behind Brock Hall today. Vaughn Lyon (upper
left) and ex-AMS president Nonie Donaldson were caught consorting with Tory Les B^vl**y
and unidentified woman, believed to be a Social Creditor. EDITORIAL   PAGE   OF   SEV ERAL   VANCOUVER   NEWSPAPERS
 j -  , /Devoted to Freedom of bought, Expression, Love, to Tolerance and -The Lilt of Lfttjghtlr
March 30, If SI
ications Un
The Ubyssey believes that the underlying implications of the recent union of the
CCF and the Progressive-Conservative Party
deserve the fullest consideration of every
student. There will be those, no doubt, who
will be so rash as to maintain that the political
philosophies of the two groups are inqom-
patiable.
To them we can say only, Nonsense!
Did not John Locke, that great, philosopher of the seventeenth century, say "all
ideas are in the mind."
Moreover was it not David Hume who
is tirelessly .pointed out that all we know are
sense perceptions?
None other than Plato remarked that "at
the highest level... all things must be merged
in the form of the good."
A little good form and the CCFers and
the Tories should have no trouble getting on.
But we cannot conceal the fact that we
have doubts.
WiU the new coalition, if it becomes the
gqvernment, grant federal aid to education?
Surely the CCF principle of social justice and the Tory concept of the quest for
freedom can here, in education, merge in a
fructifying embrace.
But so far they have said nothing of
their aims on this vital question.
The time to speak is now.
Be frank, gentlemen.
Forecast Comes True
We imagine a good deal of public interest
will be aroused by the recent national coalition of the the Progressive Conservative
Party with the CCF.
The incumbent Liberal government like
all governments, has been subjected to considerable criticism. Some of it has been ill-
founded, much of it may have been wise.
This newspaper's on the spot correspondents across the nation have sensed determined efforts on the part of certain individuals and group to replace the present government for some time. It was only a month
ago that The Daily Providence predicted in
these columns that: "Political moves of considerable importance can be expected in the
future."
It will be seen now how accurate our
predictions were.
For the CCF, the present coalition will
not likely always be easy. The socialists of
Canada have, among themselves, not, at all
times, been in complete accord.
At least those who have accused a certain faction among the CCF with allying itself wHjh the* I |Trotskyites will be convinced
that the CCF leadership is not Stalinist, It
would, indeed, be hard to imagine the Progressive-Conservative Party allying itself
with a Stalinist movement.
To the Progressive-Conservatives, the
new move should bring "kope of renewed
vigor. The people of Canada have long demanded free enterprises and social security.
The Progressive-Conservatives, in taking the
initiative in the present move, have shown
clearly that they are in favor of effecting as
healthy a combination of these factors as is
possible.
0m THE m
jifSik
Way prices are going
pretty soon money's going to be the cheapest thins
on the market.
TT T ^r
Prices have gone up 900 percent
for my daughter, who complains
she can't get *benny candy for
less than a dime.
9\* *P TT
Wages: things that never
quite catch up with the cost
of living.
Sfi 9p 9p
VANCOUVER
Spring has come to Vancouver
And there is gladness In the air.
The birds are singing for sheer
Joy
And   playing   games   each   girl
and boy.
The sadness of the winter's gone
And we*are happy everyone;
For  spring   has   come  to  Vancouver
And   there   is   gladness   everywhere.
—A.B.C. D.F.   (Vancouver)
V T V
I 'want a  raite*l
*r *r V
To you, from falling hands, wa
throw   It.
Don't Look Now, But
The coalition of the CCF with the Pro-
gressive Party is a forthright move.
It is a move which could only have been
taken by forthright men.
To Canadians it means a fresh start in
politics.
To the Tories, who have long been on
the skids, and to the CCF, long split within
its ranks, it will mean renewed vigor.
It took courage among professional politicians—in fact we might even use the old
fashioned homely word 'guts'—to effect so
bold a move.
The Vancouver Son has long hoped for
such a move, long ago wc predicted that the
Liberal government will not be able to stand
unopposed for ever." We did not fail to notice
the inevitable signs of this move.
Since this is a bold move, a forthright
move, we shall not hesitate to ask some bold,
forthright questions of the new coalition.
Do they intend to nationalize chain
cigar stores? If not, how will the rank and
file of the CCF takes so flagrant a disavowal
of section 119 of the Regina Manifesto?
Do they intend to throw our inefficient,
labor-hating post office department back to
free enterprise? If not, how will the rank and
file Tories react to this sloughing off of
their cherished principles.
Did not the much-maligned but brilliant
Tory leader R. B. Bennett say in 1931: "We
must resist to our utmost the inroads which
we see being made all over the world into
the sacred tenets of free enterprise."?
/fy.aA.-
Wet Pants
■y 1UAK ROLFSTAD
The infinitesimal paintings by
human beings on display at the
Art Gallery now are like mtnature
Ice cream cones In structure and
impact.
These masterpieces, with their
unique flavor and texture, are Ideal
for any restaurant wall or table*
top. The colors are all subdued
tints, ranging trom chocolate
brown to luscious pink, and
though they do not permit much
emotional depth of expression, they
express occasionally a liquid—or
liquifying—mood that is a gastronomic delight.
One might protest that the pair
ings are oyersweet at times,
not  enough   concerned  with
meat-and-potato problems of dail
living.
Nonetheless,   they   have  a
tain most palatable charm.
The grainy, yet mellow, texture**!
of the works, the delicious colors,
the mood that one might describe
as "mealtime," and their generally
attractive flavor are inspiring to'.,
the appetite, One ls almost tempted
to—eat them.
In fact, I did eat one.
It  was  good.
THIS 18 TRUE
j FOR SALE
j THE NEW WEAR-EVER Health
j Method of Cooking, is now being
I represented in the university area.
1 Morris   Dauncey,   CE   464.
The Ubyssey
MEMBER CANADIAN UNIVERSITY PRESS
Authorized as Second Class Mall Post Office Dept. Ottawa. Student
Subscriptions $1 per year (Included ln AMS Fees). Mail Subscriptions—
J2.00 per year. Published throughout the university year by the Student
Publications Board of the Alma Mater Society of the University ot
British Columbia.
Editorial opinions expressed herein are those of the editorial staff
of The Ubyssey and not necessarily those of the Alma Mater Society
nor of the University.
Offices  in  Brock  Hall,  Phone  Al.  1624  For Display  advertising*
phone Al 3243.
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF BAY FROST _
Like We Told You
Well, now that the News-
Harold's predictions of long
a*4o that the CCF and the
Progressive - Conservatives
would unite on a federal
level have been proven true
(to the intense surprise of
our evening contemporaries),
we may as well dig into the
facts and see if vve can get
some real action out of the
new group.
The international situation
—so ably analysed by the
well - known News-Harold.
New Work Times team of
top-flight reporters and our
internationally-known commentator Edward Charles
"E.G." "Ed" "E. Charles"
Martin—has seemed to call
for a new hand at the helm.
Maybe the new coalition can
give it. Maybe, too, the Liberals, who, after all, have not
done such a bad job, will be
brightened up by their newfound opposition.
But what we really want
to know what the people, of
Vancouver have a right to
know, i.s what is going to be
cone about civic-federal cooperation in the field of
ditch-digging.
The ditches of Vancouver
are a shame to out fair province, an outrage to the tour- •
ist trade, a blot to the Dominion of Canada.
The Liberal government
has steadfastly insisted that
this is a civic problem or, at
best, a civic-provincial problem.
The provincial government has insisted that it
either a civic matter or a
civic-federal  matter.
The News-Harold must in-
sits that it is a matter for
all three.
THIS  is TRUE
I
COACllINl!   IN   l-'HKNOl   &   f1or-[
linn by Viennese-horn toucher. KA   "What entertainment! What showmanship!  How terrific can a guy get?
ss,i!,M* ; That's our boy, Barney Potts 5:30 to 5:45 Monday to Friday."
Tl'TOKINTi,   In   1st   year   l#n*4lHh '
ond  Math, by McCIU graduate.  KK
77001..  2211   W  ;i7th.
T p l>~D OiG%n>our. d^NC^K ITW-I ll 0
Graduation
Suggests A Portrait
 To exchange with Classmates, to introduce to the business world you
plan to enter:
We   your   "TOTEM"   Photograpers   Extend   our
Best wishes and congratulations to the graduates of '51
581 GranviUe
All Negatives on File at   "
% Campbell £tu<f/cj
MArine 3625
LIMITED mmm
Sports
Library
•port Traasdilsa—By A. M.
"       ... 1 feel I've read It before—Jack
■      Jelly  Anderson.
■■       ... I'll Confirm that — Jack Pomfret.
Pre«*  Relations and How to Get
Publicity—Author unknown.
... *heer rubbish—Ole Bakken.
> ... old  stuff—A.  Laithwaite.
' ... wish I'd read lt before—Gene
[ Smith
Angles In the Sport* Department
j, —Fred Roots.
1 ... -.lathing new for* ma—Ann I^an«-
beln.
, Good Jobs—UBC Workhouee Dept.
■j ... read it twlce--41*.leken.
I Armchair Athlete by Chuck Mar-
^p^. *h«ll.
^^^L .  .  good  for  Chuck—Laithwaite
^_^_W . . that settles nothing—Ostrom.
^_^_W. , . hope lt has well-padded arms
^_W 'cause I've got a well-padded sec-
Wf    retary—Frost.
r
OLE NOW
'ROACH SWEEPER
Looking damp and bedraggled, ex-graduate manag«*.of
athletic*, Ole Bakken turned
up at UBC* employment bur-
e»u yesterday In tin attempt
to "find a job." He was wear.
ing a shabby pair of tattered
blue denims, and was munching  a  soggy' crust.
Employment bureau head,
Major MacLean claimed that
Bakken told him a pitiful t*le
of his starving family -which
was about to be evicted from
an   East   Hasting* tenement.
"I f«lt so sorry for the poor
chap that-1 simply had to create a job for him," MacLean
said.
When asked what the job
w*a MacLean whispered: "I've
put him to work In the Brock
sweeping up cockroach droppings."
TOflCH; INVASION .^m*
THE UBYSSEY
30, 1051
Page 11
(Ubyesy sports writer John Napler-Hemy, wanting a free luneh,
disguised himself as a WAA member and became a victim of the
raid staged by the cockroaches.
He was sitting In a position which
was attacked by the first herds and
after they h*d eaten through his
disguise, he was forced te make an
explanation to official*. "They saw
through  me,*' slid  N*pief.Wemy.)
By  JOHN   NAPIER-HEMY
WOS-WAS's sedate banquet
was transformed Into a maelstrom of screaming feminity
yesterday as the hall was Invaded by hundreds of Brock Hall's^
notorious cockroaches.
The first Inflation that troubU
was afoot was the spectacle of
Dean Mawdley clambering onto
her chair, screaming that "spmo*
tiling was moving In her salad."
Her move was followed by
screaming co-eds, who lept antelope-like across the table and
fled terror-stricken through the
doors as the floor became a
molten mass of life.
Many crashed through the
floors as whole portions of the
floor crumbled and gave before   their   crunching   jaws.
Mary Lett. WUS president-elect, her dress torn and her face
cut from broken glass, ran to
treasurer John MacKinnon and
asked him to "get the termite
men quickly, even if it does
break tho council."
She intimated that dozens of
co-*eds were beln "embarrassed" by the all-pervading Insects.
WAA head, Joan MacArthur,
escaped from the wreckage, and
btent on action, mobilized the
girl's hockey team as an emergency rescue squad.
' Spear ■ headed by Ubyssey
sports writer Sheila Kearns, the
husky femmes changed into
their strips and savagely attacked the marauding cockroaches
with hockey sticks.
Despite their valiant efforts,
they failed to control the invading swarm, and several girls
were embarrassed on the spot.
Still quivering with rage and
fright, Dean Mawdsley told Ubyssey officials today:
"There's no excuse for this.
Administration knew about this
Council knew about this. But
they just let those awful termites or cockroaches or whatever
they ar* lie around the Brock
and breed and breed until they
were too many tor us. I think
that terrible Janitorsman, Brad-
smell or Bradshaw or whatever
his name is might have done
something. But, oh no!
"We might have uoen eaten
alive," she scVeamed.
She later told reporters that
ahe thought it was the worst
scandal since the much-publicized Acadia sex orgies.
Surveying the Brock after the
damage, Bradshaw shook his
head solemnly and said.
"It's no good now. We might
as well throw it away."
later he added: "It was them
women that did more damage
than anything. If they'd just sat
tliere and et their dinners and
not worry about a few little
bugs Instead of jumping through
windows and screaming and
that there wouldn't be so much
damage. Besides there's a regulation about jumping through
windows. If they don't like bugs
they shoulda had a picnic outside."
The remains of Brock Hall
will be cremated ln a simple
ceremony next week which, is
expected to kill the cockroaches.
Prayer (to he recited three times
a, clay  hy sports  writers.)
Hail Macfillllvray and the six column banner;
Blessed be the 10 point bylines for
every story;
Glory unto the heavy tempo heads:
*
May the sports book with the half j
column cut of our glorious edl- \
tor live and prosper forever and
ever—Amen.
How to Pick the Best Seat in Class!
Pick soma of our Arrow shorts today to wear at
school. You'll be sure of the most comfortable
seat in class!
Not only are Arrow shorts cut extra full to
allow plenty of room without bunchiness, but
they also have the seamless seat and carry
the Sanforized label, guaranteeing less than
1% fabric shrinkage!
ARROW UNDERWEAR
Cluett, Peabody 8, Co., Limited.
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Individuals seeking occupational guidance
Employers desiring evaluation of present and
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Management Engineers & Industrial Psychologists  ,
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:1
"Tbe coach is using the electric rabbit idea
with a package oj Player's'*,
1 CRICKET WORLD AGHAST AS
SCANDAL HITS UBC CAMPUS
Penn, Ostrom Charged In
Tea And Crumpet Orgies
By SQUIRMING M. VANGARD
(Special agent to the crown)
Horrified campus cHcktttrs wtrt aghast
today at tht rtvtlation of a cricktt scandal ot
UBC that rocktd tht wholt sports world.
After months of dogged investigating by UBC's vigilance
committee under Murray Martindale. it was revealed that the
Cardinals and Bulldogs, UBC's rival cricket teams, were pouring their profits into afternoon tea.
Pale-faced, stammering Martindale, now In constant fear of being
counter-Investigated described In
frightened whispers a scene of
reckless butter and crumpet orgies,
bought with 'tainted' money mulcted from student funds.
"It was horrible," Martindale
shuddered), "they would sit
•round for hours, gorging themselves on rich food as they
•y«a arty glazed and bestial
from senseless excess of pure
sensuality. Then they would
stagger back to their game, belching and rumbling.
'I was sick on the spot," he
*
SPORT
Sports Editors fc
SON—WE DUNNO     *
PROVINDENCE-SQU1MIN M. VANGARD
NEWS Harold—YOUNG MAN IN HURRY
J Friday, March 30, 1951
added.
Martindale Intimated that he'
would bring disciplinary action
against Bulldog cricketer, Dick
Penn, who, he said, "disgusted
every decent student with his enormity  and  grossness."
The facts were brought to lj^lit
late Thursday night In a secret
hearing at the UBC sports desk.
Sports editor Alex MacGlllivray,
described as a "close friend" of
Penn's was forced by white-cloaked, cross-carrying vigilantes, to
write a 'white-wash' story for the
Ubyssey eulogizing Martindale s
action.
MacGi/fivray Smiled A Rat
"There was ten of them,"
MacGlllivray told his open-
mouthed sports writers after
he was released, "They had
hooded masks which covered
their faces. They said if I
didn't write their story that
they were going to beat me to
a pulp and spread it round that
I was a dirty Red Bolshevik.
"But I knew one of them was
Mardindale. I could smell a
rat."
"Then    they    brought    in    Dick
Penn.   |   wouldna   recognized   him.
lie was thin, cringing and beaten.
; I think they worked him over first
1 but anyway he confessed."
j
l    Also Indicted  for graft and  brl-
; bery    was    Brock    Ostrom,    over-
j thrown MAD head notorious for his
, 'Plan'    who    admitted    accepting
! bribes of hot crumpts from Penn,
! if he would 'wink' at hfs skulldug-
■ gery.
Ostrom, Power-Mai, Egotistical
"Ostrom was a power-mad, egotistical maniac,*' Martindale said.
"The Ostrom Plan was the fantastic scheme of a corrupted sick
psychopath to suck money from
religious clubs and line his own
pockets."
"Besides," he added, "I saw him
at an SPM meeting once."
When questioned about his act!*
vitles,   Ostrom   sneered^.
"8ure, I knew about the eric-
fie
ket scandal. Its bee ngolng on
under UBC's nose for years,
and they've just found out, see.
But they can't do nothing to
me now, see. I'M skipping down
south with the MAD money,
and they can't stop me see.
I've got money to pay the USC
fine one hundred times over."
Cricketers throughout the civilized world were staggered by the
sensation at Varsity.
Not Very
it
Says Gov.
U.   Governor   Wallace:   I   don't
think Martindale was very British i
about   it   at   all.   We  have   afternoon tea on public money too, you
know. * |
Len Mutton, lingiish cricketerl
now playing In New Zealand In the I
liovril Cup tilt: "I owe all my
success to tea and crumpets. I ex-1
pect grout things of this Penn j
chappie."
LOSES PANTS
UBC SPORTS Writer Doug Haw-'
l:*e*H, well known around home. U>st
his trousers early yesterday morn-
ins   during   a   fracas   in   the   girl's
Dormitory. j
Hawkes had unsuspectingly ventured  into thc vicinity of this hal-J
lowed   estnbllsment   for   purposes I
unknown   at   press   time.   "1   was;
trudging along,  minding my  business when suddenly I was attack-
' ed by group of sex-starved females
and dragged Into a corridor.
The  next   thing  I   knew  it  was
"vciy cold," related the scribe. Me is
nt present In a state of exhaustion.
"I'm all for Sunday sport," quoth
Brockington as he dragged I^ang-
bein Into his manly arms.
BEATIN AND CRINGING, Dick Penn, the pleasure-crazed
veteran of countless tea and crumpet orgies paid for with student
money mulcted from MAD treasuries, is dragged bodily into the
Ubyssey sports desk for questioning following hours of torture in
USC headquarters. Following hfm Is his tearful shame-faced mother,
who kept pleading to stony-faced vigilantes: "My Dick, he's a good
boy. He didn't mean no wrong." Shown In USC cape and hood Is
heavy-set Martindale, scowling triumphantly after bringing Penn to
justice. To the right is one of Martlndale's vigilantes. At the back
of the room are two of Martndale's benchmen, about to shield the
eyes of the world from the scene of horror.
Brockie.Les
To Contort
Virility Cup
Heavy Edge
Held  By
Music Critic
Battling for the 1951-52 Vil
tity Award, awarded annuallj
iy Ubyssey sports department J
are cold-blooded Canadian columnists, John Brockington and
Lp.s Armour. -    -   ■
Brockington, reported at the
last tally, to have a definite edge,
admitted modestly: "I'm the
strongest man on the Ubyssey. I'm
the only person who can sit on the
editor and get away with It."
"Bubbles Bulklngton," as he 1s
known In the sporis world, played
a mean piano with Harry Adaskin's
percuslon eleven In the Bartok
series this winter, drowning out
all opponents. He is also know for
his sporting column "Critic on the
Hearth."
JOHN   ROMANTIC   GENT
Hi.s intimates know him as a
dashing cavalier, versed in the technique of romantic love, a hot-
blooded gallant who has swept
many a co-ed off her feet merely
by walking Into a room.
Snarled Armour, close runfter-up
in the hotly contested race: "You
can say what you like, but Brodk-
i
1*1
a
Dick   Penn   To  Swing Tomorrow
For   His   Role   In   Big   Scandal
Ington's nothing but a slob. I think
Mussoc will back me up on fTvat
Armour Is renowned in Arts clr
cles as the he-man who defied 1200
slavering, snarling red-shirts in a
battle of wits, and sent them run*
ning with their tails between theii
legs.
Feared and respected as a wild- \
haired rebel with the blood of
Hotspur In tils veins he has been
known to defy the whole communistic world to an Ideological battle while he sat In jail. Terrified
Communist officials never took him
up on the challenge.
GALS INITIATE WINNER
The Virility Award will be presented to the winner today at noon
In front of the Brock by last year's
winner, Gordon  Baum.
Thousands of screaming co-eds
are expected to attend the ceremony where the male judged "most
virile" is traditionally dragged Into
the Mildred Brock Boom for a
post-ceremony initiation.
N
CCORDING to a late flash
from Ubyssey sports spike Dick
Penn, villain of yesterday's sensational trial in which he was charged with Indulging In reckless tea-
and-ct-umpet orgies at varsity cricket games, was sentenced to
swing today.
THE SENTENCE was passed
down by stony-faced inquisitor
Murray Martindale after a 10-hour
grilling by USC vigilantes. Blub-
„ bet-ing Penn showed signs of torture and Intense mental strain as
he broke down and sobbed for
forgiveness.
iSneered Ostrom after hearing of
the sentence: "Penn had it coming if he was sucker enough t<j> get
i Sports shorts—not only short
j but so tiny you'de hardly notice
! them.
i    ."Passion-flower,"     MaeOilllivrtey
j chortled   lec.herously,   as   he   drew
i a pansy-blossom towards his swea-
I ting,  throbbing  body.
I ¥       *       *
,    "Good   Lord,   I've   forgotten   m>*
j bloomers," screamed Sheila Kearns
as she ran hack to thc dormitories
for her bouquet of daisies.
caught by them pansy-boys of Mar-
tlndale's. Me just didn't know how
to pla.v it  smart."
!    COMMENTED    gx-PRO    Chuck
Marshall when asked to coin ment
ion the sentence: "Perhaps its the
I best thing after all."

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