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The 432 Feb 24, 1999

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Full Text

 University Hill Schools
Go Catholic
ltnilav,Miiiiyi2
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it
A startling announcement came from
University Hill High and Elementary
Schools. Both the high school and the elementary campuses will convert to Catholic
Private Schools by no later than next
Monday. The decision came from the latest
meeting of the U. Hill board, spearheadedi
by the urging of the first grade teacher,
Chris Gawronski.
"The weekend before, the
Reverend Jerry Falwell gave a sermon in which he revealed to me
ehris gawronski, 1st grade teae
the evil homosexuality of one of — — ———
the Teletubbies,  the wretched Tinky-    \[\ f|*|6 CVCS OT UOu!
Winky. I made a horrifying discovery '	
the next Monday morning, when I was
confronted by my 40 first graders, all in
packpacks, lunchboxes and parkas all
bearing the emblem and likenesses of those
cursed teletubbies. These children, MY children, were being corrupted by the evil syn-
dacate which aims to effect our children and
turn them all into homosexuals, wicked in
the eyes of God! I had to do something fast
to save my children from the Teletubbies, so
I did the only thing I could do."
Gawronski, has 10 years teaching experience, 8 of which served in Surrey before
she was relocated for being 'too right-wing' for the school district.
In a press release from the Superintendant of the School District, it was stated that
Catholic School uniforms have been ordered, and were being shipped express from
Taiwan to arrive by next Monday. It was also stated that the schools would be
immediately divided by sex, with females moving to the high school, and males
moving to the elementary building.
The mood in the halls of U.Hill this morningwas somber. Student conversations
shifted from the usual gossip, backstabbing and
mindless bragging to discussions dominated by the
topic of the impending uniforms and mandatory
morning   masses   that   would   soon
become a part of their everyday lives.
"My teacher says that I'll have to sleep
with him." Bobby Stegoffson, 8, said when asked
"Turn them all into
Homosexuals, wicked
■\QT
about the change, "I don't want to, he smells like
tinkle and I bet he snores."
The feelings around the UBC
campus his been a mix of bitter
and joyful.
Judy Belter, head of UBC's Bitchin' At Anything (BAA) Club had this to say to the
432:"\ can't believe that they would do this to our children in this day and age, to
force their beliefs and culture down their throat. This is typical of..." We then hung
up on her and swore to never print our phone number in the paper again.
Other opinions have been drastricly different: "I'm all for it! ", said one man who
gave his name only as "Sugar
Daddy" ," I won't have to go so
far. I have to take that damn 25
all the way out there every morning, and then take it back to get
to my 9:30, with this, I'll save
$1.50 a day"
"Now I can do my homework!,"
exclaimed another male, "It's a
lot easier to do homework when
you're crouched in the bushes,
my Microbi textbooks kept
falling out of the trees around
Crofton."
Reverend Geoff Davidson, of St.
Mark's College welcomed the
change. "Kids today have no
direction, no guiding hand in
their lives. They go about, aimless and carefree, into an
immoral future than leads only
to destruction. Religion is a true
guiding hand, even if they, the
children don't want it, they will
learn to love it in time. I welcome the change as one in the
right direction for today's partners, I mean students."
j^sJUTL/INO -He dark We #f ijT&U
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jfcve w<n   do,*y  ffnt   until « prof,
pitted  0\jif   0k^<*v*5     Razoir
Canucks Authorized to
Execute Draft Dodgers
Tuesday, Ffl&niar* 23
In a shocking turn of events last
week, our beloved Canucks sent
another wave through the sports
news comunity. The franchise has
announced that they will be drafting
players directly from the Canadian
populace.
The Vancouver Canucks have run
out of options. Trading away Bure,
changing coaches, talking incessantly
about 'habits', sacrificing a goat in
the visitor's changing room, all this
has done nothing to kick start the
club.
"When you run out of options, you
make new ones for yourself," coach
Mark Crawford told the media after
last night's ritual shellacking by the
Anaheim Mighty Ducks. "That's
what some other coach said. I don't
remember who...must of been
famous. Anyways, we learned from
the great leaders of our history.  I'm
not talking Blake, Bowman or
Lombardi, I'm talking Churchill, FDR
and Stalin. They won their war by
drafting, and that's exactly what
we're gonna do. As of this date, every
able-bodied young man between the
ages of 18 and 50 are hereby ordered
by law to report to the Canucks training camp by next Friday."
A hush came over the crowd, then
Jenn Gardy, the 432's locker room
corespondent, asked if coach
Crawford had his eye on anyone in
particular.
"Well, we like the hustle of Jeremy
Roenick, unfortunately he's playing
for another team. Besides that, we are
looking at Bernie Hull, Brett Hull's 8
year old son as a prospect. We've also
got a good scouting report on a Bt'kut
Hulm'rmvtmt from Congo. He's looking sturdy on his training skates and
could be ready for the big-time."
In a completely unrelated news
event, all Canadian Airlines flights to
Toronto, Philadelphia and Pittsburgh
are suddenly booked full. ; ■ ffiisai aiKBs® isssjji
page Iwo
The
432
2.24.99
My Potato Looks Like Ryan Marshal
It's Saturday night around 1:30, and I
am really fucking tired. I'm listening
to the blues and pondering my last
few days. I could be on the verge of a life
changing revelation. I've decided I like
traveling. I've decided I like taking pictures of inconsequential shit. I think I
was meant for a career as a National
Geographic Correspondent.
Either that or a professional refugee.
There's a really good resume stuffer.
1999-2003- Professional Refugee.
Duties included drifting over the globe
sucking off any government dumb
enough to let me into their country.
I think that's how Donald Trump got
his start in Real Estate. .
Let me give you a brief overview of my
last week.
Friday my school ended at 12:30, but
stayed at school until 6:30 waiting for
nonexistent graduating Science students
to come in and donate money. I then
rented a movie and went to bed.
Saturday I packed up all of my clothes
and headed out to parents house in
Langley. I arrived at about two in the
afternoon. At two in the morning I was
still doing laundry.
Sunday I drove home, packed some
things up into boxes, and went to bed.
Monday I started moving. I really hadn't planned on moving until about two
weeks ago. I had a tete a tete with my
roomate. He holds the lease. I move. So I
finish my moving Tuesday night about
six thirty. Just enough time to get showered to go to Salif Keita, an incredible
African singer, concert at 8:00. I got
home about 11:30 and started to pack
for a road trip.
At eight o'clock Wednesday morning I
am on the road to pick up my girlfriend
and then drive East, no real destination,
just away. Drove till about 7 p.m. and
got a room and a little hotel in the picturesque town of Trail, B.C., which is
really neat town which I highly recommend paying a visit to. We ate, then got
so stoned we couldn't get up to get the
T.V. remote to turn off the multicultural
channel, let alone shut off the lights so
we could sleep.
We got up at some point, I don't
remember the time, and started driving.
A quick look at the map showed that we
weren't to far from Idaho. So Jake gets
one of his brillant ideas. "Lets go to
Idaho and buy some Idahoan potatoes!"
We crosed the border at a town the map
had listed as Porthill. Gotta love the
Americans. No hill and certainly no
port. And no town for that matter. The
only thing in Porthill is the border crossing. So I figure maybe there will be a
town on the way, or maybe a small store
at Easthill where we would be coming
back into Canada. No such luck.
"So how long have you been out of the
country?" asked the customs bastard
agent.
"Oh, maybe about forty-five minutes." I
replied demurely.
"And what was the nature of your trip?"
asked the customs bastard agent.
"We came down to get potatoes, but
couldn't find any." I stated very matter
of factly.
"Pull ahead and park please."
The little prick and his fat old supervisor came out about fifteen minutes later
and proceeded to pull everything out of
every bag we had in the car looking for
nonexistant contraband. The fat old
supervisor eventually got bored and
started to talk to us and found out we
were students from Vancouver and only
drove to Idaho for the reason of driving
through Idaho. So after spending longer
at the border than in the U.S. we continued on our way. That night we stayed in
Radium Hot Springs. I decided it would
be a good idea to stay away from the
actual hot springs.
Friday morning we awoke around nine,
ate roughly a dozen eggs, and headed
out towards Banff. Yoho and Banff
national parks are fantastic. There's my
plug for the national parks. We stopped
in Lake Louise where I bought a $2.57
coffee. Not Cappacino or Latte, just coffee. Granted it was pretty good coffee.
We continued on to the neat little town
of Chase. We ate dinner at the
Roadhouse Cafe, thinking we better pack
in some good hick food before we get
back to town. The next morning we
realised we had a little food poisoning.
Being from Langley I've had food poisoning a few times so it doesn't affect me
to much anymore, but the other members of our travelling party were not feeling to well for the rest of the journey
home.
Saturday night I got home at 11:30 p.m.
too wired to sleep, too tired to do anything. All in all I'd have to say it was the
best week of the year.
Wow! This is the most coherant article
ever written by Jake. Aside from the first
bit, this piece has a distinct beginning,
middle, and end. Perhaps it's because Jake
wrote it before coming to work on the paper
Sunday night. Maybe I should try that, -ed
WHY IS VIRGIN MEGASTORE SO GOOD AT SCREWING Y00?
7 Random Thoughts, 1's a Secret Code
Sara Stamm —-—
mmim? uwtotfsi
""V
Procrastination is an art that I
admire, practice, and deplore. If it
didn't exist I'd probably succeed in
finishing all those things that need
doing and all those things that I would
like to do before a certain time. But,
unfortunately, I was introduced to Sir
Procrastinate at an impressionable and
early age. I have never been able to slip
the viscous hold that he has had on me
since our first meeting.
But, as I decided not long after, I realized I would never escape the grip that
Procrastination had on me. I made a
very important alteration in the angle I
viewed my situation. I decided that if I
was going to be addicted to the act of
procrastination, I might as well enjoy
and perfect it. And did I ever perfect it.
I started in the most logical situation;
with my household mandatory chores.
The longer I put them off, and the better
the excuse I had that my mother didn't
recognize, the higher the score I got on
my personal score sheet. I moved
upwards and onwards from there.
Speaking of which, have you ever wondered how come God didn't make our
tongues longer? I've wondered that
every now and then for a while now. It
would be so easy to wash your face, like
a dog does, and you wouldn't have to
blow your nose, you just clean it with
your tongue like a cow. Have you ever
seen cattle do that? It's pretty disgusting
really. Not because of what they're
doing, I mean, that is pretty gross, but
the worst part is that they seem to enjoy
it so much. They really do! That's pretty weird, hey. There's probably a lot of
other things you could do with a long
tongue, but I won't go into detail. You
all have imaginations.
I've decided that strip shows and having
to pee are very similar. They both give
you a sensation that something has to be
released, and neither one is entirely
comfortable. Also, both sensations are
somewhat distracting. The thing about
strippers that is better than peeing is that
it is a public show. It's always great to
see a ridiculous performance put on by
someone else and love every minute of
it. The better thing about peeing is that
you usually don't have to spend money
to do it. I have heard of bathrooms in
Europe however, that charge you a fee
to use the toilets, and toilet paper is
extra.
The speed limits in Europe are all
around 160 to 180 km/hr, which makes
sense, because if you have to pee really
bad, you are going to want to get to the
next town as fast as possible to see if
they have a free bathroom because
sometimes you just don't want to pay to
pee. The word for bathroom there is
probably not PortaPotty, but Pay-a-Pee.
That must suck.
My friend and her family went to
Europe last summer. I got to see pictures
of her green face when she was up in the
Eiffel Tower, and then she had to pay to
puke! I laughed at her when she told me
the story, but I'm sure she wasn't laughing at the time. The scenery from up
there is really, really pretty though. And
you would just love it if you have a fascination with heights like I do. I have a
special fascination with tall buildings-
tall, thin buildings to be exact.
Have you heard the story about what
the UBC clock tower is called? Because
the architect died after finishing this
building, it was the last one he ever
built. People call it his last erection.
Very true I think. That is a tall, thin
building if I ever saw one.
Anyways, I have a feeling that you must
be fairly curious as to the purpose of
writing your name on anonymous surveys. I am too. If you ever find out why
they sometimes put a blank for your
name, let me know. I find that it is very
distracting, because I've been trained to
fill in those blanks. It is hard to finish
the survey when that blank line is sitting
there taunting you with its emptiness.
Actually, I betcha that the line is there
just for that purpose alone. To drive you
insane!
Just like my roommate.
ne 12 Issue 9
24 FEBRUARYS
© 1999 The Scienc
Societyff UB|. Alf ngt
The jjt32
Sciehce U
ill monitoi
All opinions expressed herein are strictly
those of the individual writers and not
those of The 432 or the Science Undergrad
Society.
Writers and cartoonists from all faculties
are encouraged to submit material to The
432.
The 432 is copyrighted by The Science
Undergraduate Society of UBC and may
not be reproduced in whole or in part
without express written consent.
ErJtur-in-Chief
Craig Temple
drtemple@interchg.uDc.ca
^ itsfullofstars@penis.com
Assistant Editors
Jake Gray
smeghead @ penis.com
Andy Martin
spacemoose@penis.com
Cartoonist
Andy Martin
Ssra Stamm Breasting Baxter
John Fraraiei*
JalceSray JayBareia
______o . 2.24.99
The
>432
page
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ree
<G
W**/
.1;
" 've said it before, and 111 say it
again: democracy just doesn't
.work." It's a good line. It's not
my line, it's Kent Brockman's, but its
good enough to be worth stealing. I
agree with its sentiment wholeheartedly.
Democracy just doesn't work. It's not
that I'm slagging democracy — hell, I
live in a free country now, and that's
more than can be said for the country I
used to live in (well, up until recently; I
hear Southeast Asia's down to just one
bloody coup a month these days). No,
my disagreement with democracy is the
fact that it requires the consensus agreement of a lot of people to get things to
work. Is it just me, or is there something
fundamentally flawed with this concept? I've yet to see a roomful of people
— good, decent, intelligent people, generally hardworking, thoughtful and
insightful people, mind you — agree on
something as inherently simple as a
choice of toppings for a pizza. Watching
the. level of violence grow as people get
more and more adamant about the superiority of their particular choice of topping can be fairly upsetting. It certainly
can't be pleasant for the pizza guy on the
other end' of' the phone. He probably
has the same mystified and slightly disgusted expression worn by the Speaker
of the House during a heated session of
the House of Commons on a debate
about Quebec separatism, if the topics
surrounding Quebec separatism happened to include the selection of a
bunch of deli meats and semi-exotic
cheeses.
Ye gods. These are the voters and, more
importantly though more frighteningly,
the politicians of the future. I weep for
the children. Hell/in hindsight, I weep
for us. Think about it. People who are
largely in the government these days,
the forty- and fifty-year old politicians
who make half-hearted attempts to run
this country (largely into the ground,
but I digress), were twentysomethings in
the 'seventies. Whether they admit it or
not, they were likely a bunch of acid-
dropping potheads who got the
munchies at the drop of bong (or lick of
the blotter, as it were). I can envision
the fractious debate that would
encounter the choices of snack foodage
for these aspiring politicians. Then
again, the image of Lucien Bouchard in
hippie clothing, all giggly and helplessly
doped up is an oddly comforting
thought in and of itself. Irresponsible
drug use in the sixties and seventies can
even explain some of the more irrational
behaviour of our current political leaders. Two words: Ralph Klein. Way too
much acid. Keep that boy away from the
powerful hallucinogens. And then
there's Gordon Wilson. I have no idea
what he was on, but odds are it's still in
his system, resurfacing occasionally to
give his synapses a good stiff kick, sending the ol' Wilster onto a weird flip-flopping trip through the political parties.
Getting back to democracy, I can see
what it's founders found so appealing.
Unfortunately for us, these founders
were working in an environment of
intelligent,   dedicated,   conscientious,
politically motivated, and most of all,
highly participatory individuals. They
couldn't have possibly foreseen the level
of apathy inherent in the voter of the
future. If they had, they probably would
have thrown in the towel and politely
started stabbing each other in the back
in an attempt to be the singular power in
that system. It would still be a kind of
democracy, really. One Man, One Vote.
It's just that it would be the guy at the
top who would be That Man, and he
would have That Vote.
Another thing that the founders of
democracy had going for them was the
fact that, if they disagreed with the point
of view of the other person, they tended
to disagree eloquently. These days, the
most pointed expression of disagreement a constituent is able of expressing
is through the application of high-velocity lead, usually exercised repeated and
at close range.
You can see where the founders of
democracy were coming from when you
take a look at the mottoes they came up
with. There's something endlessly optimistic about such democratic slogans as
"Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity", and
"Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of
Happiness" (interestingly, as part of
Canada's motto, there's the inclusion of
the phrase "Good Government"; the
only question is, where?) They would
have been better off with a pithy statement such as "Narrow-minded Zealotry,
Mob Rule, and Trial-by-media". Naah.
Not punchy enough. If only old Ben
Franklin and Thomas Jefferson had
decided to go the classical route, something appropriately Caesar-ish, like
"Veni, Vidi, Vici", they would have been
hailed as visionaries, given the expanding nature of American military and economic power. Then again, the old Latin
motto on the omnipresent American
greenback would have worked just as
well as a method of political expression,
given America's not-so-subtle transformation into a plutocracy. "E Pluribus
Unum", indeed. How about "Buyer
Beware"? The old message stating "Give
me your tired, your poor, your teeming
masses yearning to be free" seems to
have transmuted into "Screw off you
stinking foreign immigrants, this country's full up."
While I may be on a bit of a jag of
America-bashing, it's not that Canada's
all that much better. It's just that our
government is so ineffectual that it isn't
really capable of causing that much
harm in the long run. There's a circus
atmosphere that pervades political
debate in Canada, but it's different from
that of America's. It's much more sedate.
Is it any wonder that Canada came up
with Cirque du Soleil, with its acrobatic
juggling, strange personal contortions,
and mystifying team gymnastics, while
America came up with the Ringling
Brother's Circus; loud, noisy, death-defying and full.of caged animals who would
like nothing more than to take a big
meaty bite out of the nearest trainer.
I despair for this country. I despair for
democracy. Gimme a good monarchy
anyday. I'll even settle for some weirdly
benevolent tyranny at this point. Kent
Brockman had it right in the end,
though: "Hail to our new Ant masters!"
X&
x?]
oroscopes
Aries (March 21 - April 19): War and Peace. Or, should I say, War
and Love? What's the difference between lust and love? Lust relieves
stress, love causes it. After a while, peace gels boring. A war of the
wits is a perfect compromise. Just never engage in battle with an
unarmed person.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): T.V Guide. Hell, you plan your life
around Buffy anyway, may as well make it official. This final step will
also make you the most sought-after individual on campus. Enjoy
the lime light; it's scheduled to turn to lemons any day.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest The
Combine, run in your ward by Nurse Wratchet, is out to get you,
man. Don't listen to them people in the halls, in the walls. Dare to
be different, and keep away from the full frontal lobotomies.
Canc&r 0une 21 -July 22): AHce in Wonderland. One day, you sat
down beside a large oak tree. About to fall asleep, a white Rabbit
dashed past, muttering "I'm late, I'm late!" You decide to follow, trip
/ doW;the;.rabbit hole, eat the magic mushroom, and battle with a
decklpf oversized animated playing cards intent upon decapitating
you.- ;."
Leo (July 23 - August 22): Advanced Multi-Variable Calculus in
Base 8. U John haS 8 beers and Craig had 4 beers, how many fingers
can you use to add the two numbers? In essence, it's all about counting to ten when the number nine doesn't exist
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): The Adventures of Sherlock
Holmes. Detection is 10% intuition and 90% perspiration. So get on
, the case of "The Mysterious Falling Chemistry Grades.'7
Libra (September 23 - October 22): Charlie and the Chocolate
Factory. Next time you find a dollar in the street, run as;fast as you
can to the nearest candy shop and buy lots of chocolate. Then, a
strange little man who lives inside the factory next door will invite
you into his magic elevator. Remember what mommy told you about
strangers and candy.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): The Hobbit. If any elves or
goblins come a-knockin' at the door of your hobbit hole, shoo, them
ontheijr way. They like to cause trouble, and they'll keep you away
fpr..so"long; your neighbours will sell your stuff at auction.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): One Fish, Two Fish, Red
Fish, Blue Fish. Your umbrella is old, your texts are sold. You have a
beer you liketo hold. Your shoe is off and your foot is cold. You* shoe
is off and your foot is cold. You have a beer you like to hold. Your
umbrella is old and your texts are sold. And now your story, is told.
Capricorn; (December 22 - January 19): Romeo and Juliette. We
enter the story in the middle act. Romeo hasn't killed anyone as of
.yet; and nolsuitides are in the works. In this day and age, you know
how the play will end, so take the appropriate steps to prevent the
tragedy»]fering that, have lots and lots of sex.
Aquarius 0anvary 20 - February IS): The Wizard of O^Qneb^almy
Vancouver day, a La Nina storm blows you away to the men^rold
land of Oz, where short munchkins (frosh), cowardly .ttons^AMS
elections commissioners) and wicked witches (you know who;you
are) roam. By the end of the day, you'll be saying, "there's no place
like SUS, there's no place like SUS/' ;,:>'-      ;
Pisces, (Febrtiaty 19 - March 20): Frankenstein. While playing God s-Aj?
may loofc good on a resume, the practical applications usually end up I *ry<,
in dire predicaments. Dr. Frank basically killed everyone be loiew, \T>!L
thanks to his creation. In Jurassic Park, those silly humans basically J^v*^
seeded the destruction of everyone on earth at the hands of the ran-i       *~^
tors. And Fin sure the big guy upstairs wouldn't take too kindly to you, pf all people, usurping His job.
&
vm^mmm&^mmtmmmmmMS.
tellSISIS^^^^^^^iaSS^i^^ ■:w
ys&^VV',-'
The Alma Mater Society (ams) is your
student society. The society's mission is
'to improve the quality of the educational,
social and personal lives of the students
of UBC The ams is always' looking for
students'-to serve on AMS & UBC
committees. These, committees range
from AMS budget to Environmental
policy for UBC. If you haven't quite
found your niche but want to get involved
email us at feedtack^BmsMbcca
rnaryann adamec
Safety and Equity Commissioner
Raise awareness about campus safety issues
and strive to increase accessibility to safety]
resources.
Academic Issues Commissioner
Represent the academic interests of students to
UBC decision-makers. Work closely with the!
student senators.
Housing Commissioner
Work to open communication channels between
the AMS and the residence associations. Raise
awareness about on and off campus housing
issues.
Constituency and Wellness Commissioner
Work with Wellness Education Outreach to
develop effective awareness campaigns on
campus.    Inform constituencies of university
issues in addition to wellness issues.
First Year Issues Commissioner
Assist first-year students in understanding UBC,
the AMS, and other campus organizations.
Enhance the AMS presence at imagine UBC.
1 <     I "1
vjtui     W
'VMi' t «•'.'■'££?' '.;.""■-.'■•:-■: '^"yrf;.-!:     f ■**''?}■■■<
Transportation Commissioner
Bring the concerns of UBC commuters and
residents to transportation planning bodies such
as BC Transit, the GVRD and the UBC Trek
Centre.
Post-Secondary Liaison Commissioner
Develop relationships with Lower Mainland Post-
Secondary institutions and student associations.
Organize coordinated awareness campaigns on
issues such as student debt and differential
tuition.
At Large Commissioner (2)
Complete special projects, under the direction of
the Co-ordinator of External Affairs, and assist
other commissioners with their portfolios.
I Promote volunteerism to
students and the campus
^community. Responsible for
■the management of the
AMS Internship Program.
Responsible for managing
and implementing job-search
5*§5 services for UBC students.
Provide   career   advising
opportunities & encourage employers
to utilize the service.
Responsible for setting-up
and   running   the   Used
Bookstore    each    term.
ustDBOOK5TOM Publicize the AMS Used
Bookstore and encourage students to
buy from students.
nb: some positions are subject to Council approval
Is the governing body of the ams, it is made up of student representatives from
each faculty. Elections for these positions are held throughout Feb-Mar, depending
on the faculty
Student Activity Planning Group
Student Activity Coordinator
Plan and implement events on campus to enrich
the social lives of U3C students.
Assistant to the President
Act in a supportive role to the president.  Take
minutes,   coordinate   activities,   and   attend
meetings.
Communications Planning Group
Plan and implement communication strategies
to inform the campus of AMS activities.
Clerk of the Court
Administer and oversee the procedures of Student Court. Receive submissions from students wishing to call the
Court to session.
Chief Justice of Student Court
Preside over Student Court and administer hearings. Sit on the Prima Facie Committee to determine whether
there is cause to call Court to session. Note: The Chief Justice must be entering or enrolled in third year law.
Student Court Judge (©)
Preside as a judicial juror at Court hearings. Consider disciplinary and constitutional reference cases concerning
the AMS, its members and organizations.
Building and Security Commissioner
Responsible for implementing and enforcing the
building policies of the SUB and acting as a
liaison between SAC and the Bookings office.
He/she will coordinate and supervise security
teams for events in the SUB.
Clubs Commissioner
Will establish and maintain positive relations
between the AMS and its clubs. Organize
events, such as Club Days, in the SUB.
Art Gallery Commissioner
Responsible for booking shows and events in
the SUB Art Gallery. Organize, maintain and
exhibit the AMS art collection.
Constituency Commissioner
Act as a liaison between the AMS and its
constituencies. Ensure compliance with all
administrative policies, from publication rules to
special event permits.
EJAt Large Commissioner
I Complete special projects, under the direction of
[the Director of Administration, and assist other
[commissioners with their portfolios.
Qmbuds Receive, investigate, and
Office^ resolve   (when   possible)
complaints from students
about the university. Train
and supervise volunteer caseworkers.
KOtCOUNIILUNO,
ANPINKMMAnONC
Co-ordinate   a   team   of
volunteers for call-in or
»drop-in peer counseling.
Responsible for
interviewing   and   training   peer
counselors.
Maintain the Renfsline
telephone service. Promote
Rentsline to the student
body and to potential
advertisers. Responsible for
screening ads and troubleshooting
the telephone system.
Ensure that Safewalk is
adequately staffed and is
open to meet the needs of
ii&SKs students   throughout   the
year.    Recruit and motivate the
student staff.    Work to improve
campus safety
Clubs Finance Commissioner
Oversee the budgets of over 250 AMS clubs and)
maintain financial accounts.
Constituencies Finance Commissioner
Liaise with and oversee the budgets of all AMSf
constituencies.
Fundraising Commissioner
Investigate new fundraising opportunities fori
clubs and constituencies and organize the Pit|
Pub Coat Check.
Commercial Services Commissioner
Liaise with the Commercial Services Planning
Group and investigate new avenues of growth
for our student businesses.
Financial Aid
Investigate opportunities for increasing, and
advertising existing, student financial aid.
Advertise existing bursary, scholarship and loan
information to students.
JAt-Large
Complete special projects, under the direction of)
the Director of Finance, and assist other!
commissioners with their portfolios.
Responsible for tutoring
programs, residence drop-in
L tutoring and other initiatives.
Promote tutoring to the
student body. Develop plans to
enhance the image of the service and
expand its programs.
Assistant Director of
Orientations Program. Work
closely with the director to
organize full day
orientations for incoming students
during the summer. Inform incoming
students about academics and
campus life and quell concerns about
the university experience. page six
The
432
*\
2.24.99
1Mb
People are puppies. The bell rings,
and we all salivate on cue. King
Hussein of Jordan died. Sad, but
not of any dire urgent attention to the
Canadian public, the vast majority of
whom cannot find Jordan on a labeled
map. ..Unimportant until Jean Chretien
decided to skip the funeral to continue
his ski trip at Whistler. True, the PM
could have had better judgment. It's not
as if no one knew the King was dying.
His doctors even kept him on life support so that everyone could get to Jordan
for the funeral. Anyway, I'm not sure
why the Prime Minister decided to shrug
off the funeral. Normally, we wouldn't
even have heard about it, and we could
all carry on our merry business.
Then the bell rang, and the media
began to drool. They wrote their little
articles for the newspaper and TV, all in
the interests of 'informing the public'.
Forgive my cynicism, but no one can
express impartiality in such a case. The
media disapproved. Therefore, the public, most of whom couldn't find their
way out of a cardboard box, disapproved. They don't even realize that
they are being controlled by the press. If
they stopped to think about it, they'd
form a personal opinion. But, since that
takes effort, most are content to sit back
and let their brains rot. (
In case you haven't noticed, my opinion of humankind isn't all that great
today. I'm forever amazed by the utter
apathy around us. The world in general,
but UBC in particular. The recent AMS
erections... er, make that elections, didn't even reach quorum. A quorum of
10%. That would have meant that 3,325
UBC students would have had to have
voted. Guess what the largest single
turnout was? 3017 votes. That was for
the CiTR referendum. The other ballots
had significantly less votes cast. What
does this all mean? All you people out
there, who can't be bothered to take five
minutes out of your day to cast your ballots for five people who will be PAID to
do these jobs, are losers. I'm not even
going to think about how many of those
3017 votes were cast by those who
belong to the "Vote Early, Vote Often"
school of thought.
It's not any better out there in the big
wide real world. The Man wants to pave
Burns Bog and the only people who
seem to care are tree-hugging hippies in
Delta. Never mind that the Bog is the
one remaining carbon sink in the Lower
Mainland, recycling the massive pollution from the millions of cars you single-
vehicle-occupants insist on driving to
Anyone who reads my column regularly, or-knows me personally, is
intimately familiar with the fact
that I have an obsessive need to be the
centre of attention. If any of you are in
Astronomy 101, when they ask you
what the Earth revolves around, the
answer is not a) the Sun or b) its axis or
even c) a small yak. The answer is d)
Miss Jenn.
This week's scheme for achieving worldwide fame and fortune is reworking the
greeting card industry. Hallmark pisses
me off. If you've ever gone card shopping, you'll know that Hallmark has a
stranglehold on the greeting-card industry, so much so that trying to publish a
competing line of greeting cards is like
getting that Colombian midget to pass
the 45 condoms full of coke that you
made him swallow - no matter how hard
you push, the product just can't work its
way out into public.
Anyway, Hallmark cards are a load of
shite. They fall into two categories:
Cards That Cater To Single Women In
Their Thirties Who Like Cats, Shop a
Lot, Obsess About Their Weight, and
Can't Find a Man and Cards That
Christians Wrote. People who appreciate Hallmark sentiment buy Garfield
books and think that The Family Circus
is "a touching, funny look at good old
family values". People that like Hallmark
have Art Garfunkel records. People that
like Hallmark probably don't have a lot
of sex.
I just paid a visit to the Hallmark website and it's frankly kinda f@%#ed up.
There's one section called "Funny, But
No", which features rejected ideas for
their "funny", and Luse the term loosely, line of greeting cards. A more accurate title for this section would have
been "Look what happened when our
entire writing staff went on an ether
binge".
Another section features Hallmark's1
touching tribute to multiculturalism.
All the ethnic groups have their own
line of cards with a cute little theme
name. Black people get "Mahogany",
Jewish people get "Tree of Life", and the
Spanish get "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" or
something like that, it was in Spanish, I
dunno. I clicked on the Jewish link out
of mild curiosity, and came upon "Bubbe
Hannah's Kitchen", a page of Jewish
recipes with a motherly looking cartoon
person. I kid you not. I'm Ukrainian,
and if I came upon a section of
the Hallmark's website called
"Uncle Fyodor's Potato Still" I'd
be mildly offended. Mind you,
that would probably only last
for second. Then I'd stare at
the screen in disbelief wondering who in their right mind
thought up something so stupid.
Anyway, looking around at the
Hallmark site made me realize I
could do a lot better job at
designing greeting cards. I've
been thinking about it for a
while, and I think I've come up
with the perfect solution. A couple of cards, all with the same
phrase, and different pictures.
It'll be easy to print, efficient,
ethnically inclusive, and Will
meet all FDA regulations. I.call it
the "Lick Me" line.
Think about it, the two words
"Lick Me" can be put to so many
different uses depending on context. A new picture on the front
of the card, it's a new card altogether! I've already come up
with a line of cards that can meet
any card-giving need.
Valentine's Day: On the front
of the card, a piece of double-
sided tape. Who needs a damn
picture when you can stick the
card on your body in the appropriate position. Your mate opens
it   up,    it   says   "Lick   Me".
the health club. Never mind that the
government has publicly decried the
whole affair, then gives the development
company an interest-free loan. You're all
too busy worrying about what you're
going to wear to your little parties on the
weekend to give it a second thought,
much less do anything about it.
It's Social Darwinism at work. If you're
too dumb to realize that stepping into
oncoming traffic would be counterproductive, your genetic material should
not be passed onto the next generation.
People who like to ski out of bounds,
who ride their motorcycles without helmets, who like to chug vodka, and who
think that Marilyn Manson is "just misunderstood" are all doing their part to
remove themselves from the gene pool.
A guy went to the laundromat. He hadn't done laundry in a while, so he had
too many clothes to fit in one washer. So
our genius hopped up on top of the
machine to stomp on the clothes so he
could close the lid. Mid-hop, the
machine starts. His foot is stuck. He
whips around, screaming. His free and
flailing foot smacks into the (open) container of bleach. The bleach splashes
onto a) his face, blinding him and b)
onto the floor. Rover, our genius' dog, is
so scared by what is happening that he
pees on the floor. The sodium hypochlorite in the bleach and the ammonia in
the pee mix, forming deadly hydrochloric acid. The gas rises from the floor, the
guy inhales the gas, and he dies. Anyone
who can't figure out when to split a load,
should never have the chance to pass on
those genes.
Bill Clinton must be laughing his ass off
right now. He got hauled up before the
Senate, on charges that he lied, cheated
and perjured himself over the sex scandal in the Oral Office. The end result is
that the Republicans look like narrow-
minded religious zealots, and Clinton
looks like a god. Come on, how many
American men don't secretly cheer for
what he did? Middle aged man nails 20-
something intern, his wife didn't leave
him, and the whole country applauds?
Nice spin. Canada never has sex scandals. You might think it's because of the
cold until you look at the people who are
in power in this country. Middle aged
white men, sure. Take a good, long look
at Glen Clark, Preston Manning, or Joe
Clark, and then tell me a cold shudder
didn't just run up your back. Yeah, I saw
that. Never be able to get that image out
of your mind, will you?
Isn't it about time for you to hop on
that motorbike and head up the ski hills?
J don't think that the media influences
you. If you argee with me you should send
money to the 432 c/o Craig Temple at the
Dean of Science Office, -ed
r Ver
appropriate position. Your mate opens it
up, it says "Lick Me". Ruthlessly efficient.
Birthday: A picture of a big cake on the
outside. On the inside, "Lick Me".
Pissed Off At Someone: No picture, just
"Lick Me".
Best Friend in Drug Rehab and He Can't
His Fix: A picture of a tab, inside - "Lick
Me". Naturally this card would cost a little more. The possibilities for a line of
laced stamps are endless.
"Lick Me" just works well for so many
other occasions - your dog just died?
Lick Me! Happy Kwanz'aa - Lick Me! I
Miss You - Lick Me! Happy Graduation -
Lick Me! Sorry I Set Your House on Fire -
Lick Me!
Thank you for reading my column.
Lick Me.
(NO THAT IS NOT AN INVITATION)
Jenn Gave me a Lick Me! card -a double
sided tape one. Knowing it was okay to do
so, I flipped her over to read the name on
the back, but all it said was "JC wuz here
'97. Me too, MG. SB-'99."-ed
POLL CLERKS
WANTED
For SUS Executive
Elections March 17 - 22
Come see Henry Wong in SUS by
Friday, March 13th if you're
interested
Must not corrupt results|ike a certain other
campus election that shall remain nameless. 2.24.99
The
432
page seven
The Drawers of SUS™
t
President
John Fournier
Looks like it is getting to that time of year
again: Executive Election for the Science
Undergraduate   Society.   If
Society,
you are interested in running for a position, here are your choices:
President,  Internal Vice-President,  External Vice-President,
Director of Publications, Director of Sports, Director of
Finance, Social Coordinator, Executive Secretary, and of
course, the Public Relations Officer. If you aren't quite <t £-t
sure that this is something that you want to do, or ^1^^
you would like some more information regarding *flr
the responsibilties associated with each position, As^k^
send me an email at johnpf@interchange.ubc.ca.
If you would like information regarding dates
and the elections, send correspondence to the
elections commissioner,  Henry Wong: hen-
rycw@interchange.ubc.ca.
H
Andy Martin
enry   Wong   has   been
appointed Elections
Commissioner,  so your
internal VP
*
The Drawers *&
of SUS.... %
Jenn Gardy
o  the  last  two
months        have
been  a bit  of a
I've been able to piece
%W
blur, but from what
together I ran in the AMS Elections with the RBF
and got a lot of votes. I don't remember much of
those few weeks, but the words "Scott Morishita"
"bolt cutters" and "campaign irregularity" seem to
stick out.
After that there was something called Science Week. I held
a big cockroach and I sat on a very small tricycle. Then there w !*^ *jQ
was something with a bunch of guys called The Real McKenzies.
They played a really good show, and there was a lot of beer.
The next Science Event will be Mar. 26 in the Partyroom. It'll give ya a chance to
get your livers in shape for Arts County Fair.
I guess I should mention that SUS elections are coming up soon. I haven't decided
if I'm gonna run again (SoCo and D. of Publications are to Science Executive
Positions what Assistant Sewage Inspector and Porn Film Studio Janitor are to Real
World Jobs) but if I don't, I'd be happy to train a replacement. You get a lot of free
beer and a lot of dates. OK, I guess my job doesn't suck that much after all. I love
you all.
and science
news!!
gripe is with him. I will say now that if you are gonna run, I want
you to behave yourself during your campaign. Failure to do so
will result in you thrown in a room with no windows but
with a complimentary Scott Morishita and an entire
_ CAS A sucks! contingent for you to learn exactly what
#J%^ politics can do to you. I encourage you to run any-
K^*& ways.
Teaching Awards. They're coming up too! Who's
your favorite prof? Is there a stellar faculty
member who makes an unbelievable difference
in your everyday life? Do you like any of your
I profs? If you went on a killing spree, would
■*        there be one prof that you'd have one glean
w        of pity for before shooting them? Good. Now
I need to hear from you. Forms will forthcoming, but start thinking about who you
like and why you like them. Come on, there
has to be someone. It'll only take 2 minutes to
fill out the form, so don't stay apathetic. I'm
putting the effort in to do this, and all I ask you
to do is to fill in a small form to congratulate a
stellar prof, who dedicates all this time out of
their life to make sure that you get a good education. Have a freakin' heart man!
Other than that, I still haven't received any bribes or
sold out your freedom for a six pack yet.
Support yer Class Act and please don't yell at the people
phoning you, we have feelings too.
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a page eight
The
432
2.24.99
I've Survived a Woman Scorned
As I approach my 22nd birthday I
am confronted with my own mortality. An average Canadian male's
life expectancy is 76 years, which means
that, if my hypothesis that I am an
immortal being equivalent, if not above,
God is* rejected, then my thin mortal
thread of life will be approaching its
l/3rd point in three short years. A whole
third of my life is nearly gone and I'm
still in school. Still rotting away in a
classroom at 8:30 in the AM, listening to
teachers blather on about whatever they
blather on about while I daydream of
disembodied breasts. Some things never
change, the course numbers just get bigger.
I am not afraid of my impending death.
For that is the way of things. You're
born, you fuck, you get fucked, you die.
That pretty much sums up the whole life
cycle in a nutshell. Kind of beautiful in a
way. And Darwin said it perfectly: "He
who fucks the most and doesn't get as
fucked, wins". Any way you look at it,
any single life doesn't mean much to the
world as a whole. My life is insignificant,
your life is insignificant. Hell Jean
Chretien's life is insignificant. We all die
in the end and we all end up in the same
place: Hell. We're all going to hell
because we're all evil.
There are stories of a Heaven out there,
a beautiful kingdom of God up in the
clouds. Well, that hypothesis was shot
down in blasphemous flames by my first
trip in an airplane. When I was about
nine years old I took a plane with my
parents up to Kamloops. I hopped onto
the window seat" and looked out the window of the plane, expecting to see my
first look at heaven. But I didn't see any
people on those clouds. Where was
Heaven?! I turned to my parents, rudely
disturbing their coffee drinking solitude,
and asked them, in my whiny pre-pubes-
cent voice "Where are all the dead peo
ple?" They didn't have a straight answer
for me, but parents rarely do. They fabricated one religion after another for me
to follow. First it was the Tooth Fairy, the
Easter Bunny and Santa Claus who, if I
behaved myself for a year, would bring
me gifts. Once I pulled that farcical wool
from my eyes, it was this 'Heaven' place,
and how much God loved me and if I
behaved myself for the rest of my life, I
would go to a nice place when I die. Now
it's this AIDS thing. Now parents are
telling me that if I'm nice and behave
myself, I won't get this 'AIDS' thing and
die. Yeesh! What are they going to come
up with next?
I later figured out that this supposed
'Heaven' existed in some other etheral
plane, either that or at in a place very,
very far from earth itself. Same thing
with 'Hell', Hell did not actually exist in
the earth's underground. This unfortunately shot down my position on why I
shouldn't be digging a deep hole in the
backyard so Dad could plant a tree.
So, with this whole Christian afterlife
crisis cleared up, I resumed my usual stupor/sleepy boredom at Sunday School
and trying to remember to cover my
yawning mouth while the preacher went
on and on about bless this and love that.
There was no more excitement in religion, and the legendary bouts of passive
resistance that I put up early Sunday
morning to stop myself from being
dragged through the same old crud every
Sunday morning soon resulted in a
grand victory: I was granted a leave from
future church duties.
No real religious sparks came up until
much later, during one of my mulling on
eternity. Details are irrelevant to your
entertainment, but needless to say I
picked up a copy of the Bible and read it,
cover to cover. And I got thinking about
my ultimate destiny in this whole universe thing. Was I going to Heaven or
Hell? I'm a good person, but looking at
the Bible's list of God's requirements to
get into Heaven, it's a pretty tall order.
And there's all sorts of half-way things
too, where you're 'unclean' if you do
this, but does that mean you won't get
into heaven? I dunno.   ■
As I matured, a thought occurred to me:
which was better? Heaven is made out to
be all great and all loving, but Christian
Hell has it's strong points too.
1. Chicks. The basis on which a man
sets his life. I think it should also be
what he sets his afterlife on too. Let's
compare. Heaven: Nuns and 'waiting for
marriage' women. Hell: biker chicks and
girls who died young of unscrupulous
causes. Hmmmm, 3 guesses as to which
I'd prefer to spend eternity with.
2. Music. The other thing I base my life
on. Heaven is depicted as a really big
church for eternity, with organ music
and choirs going around the clock. Hell,
on the other hand, features the best in
heavy metal, and with festival seating at
that! And, with all that drug use and
gluttony, you just know that Elvis is in
hell. John Lennon did drugs and kicked
little dogs. Jimi, Janis and Jerry are all
jamming down there. Buddy Holly's
down there too for seeing exactly what
pulling the 'Pull In Case of Emergency'
lever would do. And of course, Kurt
Cobain violated 'Thou shall not kill' in
possibly the most obvious (and dumbest) way possible. When St. Peter sees me
coming up with flaming-red guitar
strapped on my back, he'll know right
where to send me.
3. Effort. It's HARD to get into heaven.
You have to try like heck to be good
enough to be admitted. Church tries to
make you feel better by saying that God
is all forgiving so long as you repent and
leave a large donation in the dog bowl
they pass around while people are
hymning. Forget that crud. Have you
ever read the Old Testament? God got
pretty peeved with people pretty often,
and he sure wasn't all that nice and forgiving about it. Noah's flood was just the
beginning of his creative side. God got
medival on some mankind hieny with
rivers of blood (Exodus 7:20), hemorrhoids (Deut. 28:27), genocide (Gen.
7:23, Gen. 19:24, Deut. 3:1-6, Joshua
10:28-37,   etc.)   and   other   plagues,
famines and other gnarly shit. And then
of course there's Malachi 2:1-3 where
God tells all priests if they do not listen
to Him and honor His name, He will
spread their own shit on their faces. (Ref.
. www.spacemoose.com "Bible Study"
Notes). To get into heaven you have to
be a super-good kind of person. Think of
itj greed, glutony, lust, sloth, envy,
wrath, pride, you have to keep out of all
these things for all your life. No more
hoarding money, no more letting loose
at all-you-can-eat grease buffets, no
more porn, no more lazy Sundays, no
more T hate that vicious bitch' witty
remarks, no more Mr. Smashy, no more
bragging about your many accomplishments and honours. And that's just the
seven sins, let's not forget the
Commandments and all the other little
rules that pop up all over the Bible.
Forget it, Hell is just easier.
4. Heat. Hell is said to be really, really
hot. It is, but then again, so is Heaven.
Hell is said to have rivers of molten sulphur. Sulphur doesn't melt 'till over 350
degrees. That's pretty damn hot. But
then, Heaven has the "light of seven
whole days" all at once. Now the light
energy of this can bring temperatures up
to over 250 degrees. So you gotta look at
it as its gonna be real hot no matter
where you end up. I don't know, what
the humidity like in Heaven?
It's a pretty tall list. I don't want to
speak for you, but hell in itself is pretty
damn seductive in itself. But then, Hell is
evil, Hell is hot, Hell is, well, hell. When
I die, I think I want to go to Oz. That's
right, Oz. It's a place somewhere over the
rainbow, where magical surprises await a
every turn of the Yellowbrick road.
There's all sorts of cool stuff like
Lunchbox Trees, gay lions, lots of sexually repressed midgets, and flying monkeys. And there's even witches, good and
wicked for variety. Hey, it's just as believable as the other two, and the details are
a lot more specific. Oz beats Heaven or
Hellanyday.
Don't fear the reaper.
Fear kittens with big guns, -ed
(SttHHS©©
Get Involved in SUS.
(BOO [ISMEOflffl©
Nomination Form on Reverse.
President
Acts as a representative
of Science and as a liaison
between the University,
other undergraduate
societies, the AMS, and
SUS. Also Chairs Science
Council Meetings, and sits
on AMS Council.
Infernal VP
In charge of elections and
the First Year Committee,
as well as the organization
of events such as the
Annual General Meetin
and the SUS Wine an
Cheese.
External VP
Has the huge task of
organizing Science Week.
Also responsible for all
SUS room bookings, as
well as siting on AMS
Council.
Secretary
Responsible for all record
keeping of what goes on
during Council and
Executive meetings, as
well as the updating of the
Constitution. Sits on AMS
Council.
PRO
Public  Relations
plans  charity
The
Officer
events during the year and
solicits donations for the
Class Act graduating gift.
Also Sits on AMS Council.
Finance
The Director of Finance is
responsible for taking care
of all the money that the
Science Undergraduate
Society gets. Also handles
Club Grants and other
monetary allocations.
SoCo
The Social Coordinator
organizes all of the social
events that Science holds
throughout the year, most
notably Oktoberfest and
Cold Fusion.
Sports
The Director of Sports is
the de facto captain of all
SUS intramural sports
teams, and handles the
50% reimbursement of
team fees for all Science
teams.
Publications
The Director of
Publications has the
hardest job of all the
executives. Pub. is
responsible for the
production of /he 432 and
the Guide, as well as all
signage for SUS
ENCE
^jeuetim
Deadline for nominations is Friday, March 5th @ 4:32pm, there will be a mandatory All Candidates Meeting on Friday, March 5th @ 4:32pm.
All Campaign Posters must be approved by Henry Wong before Tuesday, March 9th @ 4:32pm. All Campaigning ends on Tuesday, March 16th @ 4:32pm.
Bring Your Student Card to Vote Wed. - Fri., March 17th to 19th.

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