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The 432 Sep 17, 1997

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Array 'Snapple, you idiots! I said invest in Snapple!" -Bill Gates
NDP breaks promise, lifts
tuition freeze!
Liberals call foul as Premier plays dumb
Dave T. Fibble, Selwin Abercromb ie
Parliamentary Correspondents
In a press release delivered Monday,
the BC Ministry of Education
announced that the tuition feeze for
BC students was to be retroactively
rescinded effective November 1.
The decision follows a move by the federal government to cease transfer payments to the Province of BC in order to
cover increased parliamentary running
costs, in particular the refurbishment
and repair of the Stornoway residences
recently occupied by Preston Manning.
The refurbishments include a number of
child proof locks to be added to several
rooms in the house, and a private car for
"strictly business purposes".
The NDP was quick to take charge of the
situation by blaming The Liberals. When
questioned, Glen Clark responded in his
usual level-headed and releveint style.
"It's all Gordon Cambell's fault. The
guy's a menace to society," stated the
premier. "He oughta be locked up. You
should see what he did to my clog."
When it was pointed out to the premier
that Mr. Campbell was, in fact, out of
town while the decision was being made
by Mr. Clark's hand-picked cabinet, the
premier replied "Fish! It all comes back
to the fish, don't you see? You can't tell
me that he wasn't in town this summer!
That's it! I'm getting my gun."
Ryan Davies, AMS president, claimed to
be completely shocked by the news.
"This might well present a difficult situation for some students" he declared
insightfully, "particularly the ones that
don't already have free parking privileges. At the very next council meeting
we will form a committee to report
directly to ouir policy analyst, and I
myself will write some very strongly
worded letters to Martha Piper's office
and to the Premier."
Davies also went on to add that the
increased pressure of lobbying for over
forty-three thousand homeless and
starving studen ts would require a further
ad-hoc review committee to be formed
dealing directly with executive council
members' pay scales. "After all, the executive has to maintain a professional
standard while lobbying on behalf of
those impoverished students." When
presented with the possibility being discussed by the board of governors to
frame the tuition hikes in the form of
ancillary fees, the AMS President was
more optimistic:. "If the university wants
to include ancillary fees, then I think
that there are some essential services
which would significantly improve the
quality of education for UBC's starving
students. As a completely private individual who is in no way connected to
the students of UBC I would wholly
endorse the introduction of some ancillary fees." Davies did not go on to say
whether the pay scale review committee
would be dismissed under such circumstances, however.
The Board of Governors was quick in its
response to the decision. "This is great.
Those damn international students
won't have a leg to stand on once we
raise everyone's tuition to $14, 000 a
year" said University Vice President Dan
Birch. "Both my Mercedes' get new paint
jobs this year". When asked how they
intended to implement the fee hike,
however, the board anticipated a few
problems. "Obviously, it's going to be
very difficult to charge thousands of dollars for a classroom implementation fee.
And we're also thinking of introducing a
clean air subsidy." A representative for
the Faculty of Arts, Dr. Cal Murray, stated "This is great news for the Faculty of
UBC. With the extra money from higher
tuition, we'll be able to reopen the
Faculty Club." The Faculty Club, the
exclusive lounge for UBC faculty and
their friends which was closed down two
years ago for selling alcohol to minors,
had been unable to pay off the $60,000
fee imposed on it by the RCMP in 1995.
"It'll be great! We'll get live bands, real
Cuban cigars served by real Cubans,
waitresses from Hooters, and shag carpet
ing, too! I just love shag carpeting!"
Perhaps the most severely of UBC's services to be affected will be the many
charitable societies on campus. "I'm
going to be blunt with you. We're in
deep shit," stated Leslie MacMillan, Day
Manager for the new UBC Daycare. "We
rely almost entirely on revenue from the
transfer payments to operate this daycare."
When asked about how they were planning to raise funds, Mrs. MacMillan stated "Well, we have several possible
avenues open for funding, but I think
that we've settled on selling crack
cocaine out of the back of an old ice
cream truck to the kids at University Hill
Elementary School. That way we'll be
killing two birds with one stone."
The Board of Governors were not the
only ones to respond to the news with
alacrity. "Oh man, this is going to be
sweet," said Bill Faust, Chief Financial
Officer for. The Royal Bank of Canada,
"and we thought that last year was a
good year for profits. Now we can jack
the interest on student loans to 70% and
they'll still be lining up to sell us their
souls! It's great! God, I love this country!"
Executives from the other major
Canadian banks couldn't be reached for
comment, as they all went to a 'really
bitchin' party when the news broke.
Vfwf Cvr-AE DonV MAKE
AMS Participates in
Revolutionary Surgery!
Gord van McOlunsky
Mental Correspondent
Researchers at the Harvard
University Medical Centre today
announced the results of a groundbreaking study that promises relief for
thousands of motor-vehicle accident victims. According to the US Department of
Transportation, 34% of major vehicle
accidents result in trauma to the spinal
column and neck. A sizable portion of
those leave the victim with an impaired
use of legs and arms.
Dr. Alfred Thompson, lead researcher,
explains the procedure:
"We've managed to extract the spinal
column from test subjects, and replace
the bone formations with a brand-new
polymer resin that provides support and
protection to the central nervous system."
Over the last year, student volunteers
serving on the UBC Student Council
have undergone the procedure, and
until last week, it appeared everything
was going fine.
"But then something went horribly
wrong," admits Thompson, "and we're
having difficulty narrowing the causes
At a meeting last Wednesday night,
councillors with the improved polymer
spinal column suffered a complete collapse of structural integrity, leaving the
hapless politicians with less; spinal
strength than an ocean-dwelling jellyfish.
"We think it was the stress of making a
critical decision regarding the student
budget," states Thompson. "It caused a
feedback of sorts, and turned the rigid
plastic to a liquid. Wish I could tell you
why." PAGE TWO
The 432"
Volume 11 Issue 2
17 September 1997
". 1997 The Science
Undergraduate Society of UBC.
All rights reserved.
Jeremy Thorp:
jerthorp&unixg. ubc. ca
Assistant Editors
John Hallett
Blair McDonald
Jay Garcia
Jay Garcia
Jake Gray
John Hallett
Blair McDonald
Amanda Seymour
Jeremy Thorp
Craig Temple
Mike Esistwood
Breeone Baxter
Andrew Martin
Phil Ledwith
Jake Mckinlay
Jeremy Thorp
College Printers, Inc.
Vancouver, BC
Contact Info
Attn. Editor, 77ie 432
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Vancouver, B.C.
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(604) 822 4235
Fax: (604) 822 5558
This issue was sponsored by
Shaftebury, and Elwood's. tfo
is the official newspaper
Science  Undergraduate Sod
published twice monthly from
offices   in   the   Student
Building   (located   across ' rroK? _
CopyTime). ■ .■■'*
All opinions expressed herein ajjrs£
strictly those of the individual writ*"/
ers and not those of 77ie 432 or the .■
Science Undergrad Society. ■<■■£.:
Writers and cartoonists from all fae-"
ullies arc encouraged to submits
material to The 432. All submissions must meet the strict deadline
requirements   and   should   not
exceed 1000 words.
The 432 is copyrighted by The
Science Undergraduate Society of
UBC .ind may not lx» reproduced in
whole or in part wittiout express
written consent.
And remember: We Love You.
Active Resistance.
Last week a band named "Odin's-
Law", purveyors of less than tolerant values, played a small hall in
Surrey. Surprisingly, a band of evil anti-
racists descended on the hall creating a
situation of dire civil unrest. Rocks were
thrown, walls were painted and people
were generally insane. This generally
confirms my theory that Surrey is an
orchard full of bad apples. The so called
tolerant people, i.e. those who aren't
racist, come out ablazing at one crappy
little concert hall that can hold maybe
100 rednecks without their pitbulls. So a
couple of rednecks get together, scream
some crappy music that no one can
understand the lyrics too, beat the hell
out of each other for a couple of hours in
the mosh and go home with a little less
testosterone coursing through their
veins. Where's the problem?
Racism isn't a very good idea, but neither are strong arm tactics. Kind of odd
this situation, we have people who
believe Nazi ideals being pressured by
anti-racists using Nazi strongarm tactics.
I don't understand how the people
throwing rocks and spray painting can
justify things to themselves. "We can't
tolerate all of these intolerant people, so
lets threaten their lives, throw rocks
through their windows and spray paint
'Die Nazi Scum' on the sides of their El
The group causing all of these problems
is called "Active Resistance." Yeah
sounds like a pacifist anti-racist group to
me. Sounds more like a guerrilla group
from South America. "Ya hi, welcome to
weekly meeting of the Tupac Amarou
guerrilla movement and anti-racist
group, I'm General Reginald but you can
all call me Reggie."
Everybody is pretty together on the idea
that racism is generally a bad idea, so
why give the idiots who cling to a dead
philosophy free publicity? If the anti
racist groups had just put in a quiet written complaint to the city council and
gone out to their own parties on
Saturday, the whole issue would have
blown by like a silent odourless fart.
This brings me to a news item which
recently caught my eye. In Indiana last
week a man died of asphyxiation due to
his own gas. I'm not making this up. It
appears his bedroom was practically air
tight and he'd been living off beans and
cabbage for two weeks. One of his
friends was quoted as saying, "We've
been telling Bob for years those things
were deadly, but he just wouldn't listen'.
Back to the Idaho "corral, It appears this
Odin's Law isn't a local phenomena.
They played a few months ago at an
Aryan only festival at some Nazi compound in Idaho. I'd like to clear something up. I don't endorse the idea that all
peoples of Aryan descent are Nazi psychopaths. In fact, I myself have blond
hair and blue eyes. I don't believe any of
my problems are the result of conspiracies of the other races denying me my
proper place as leader of all humans. In
fact I blame most of my problems on
beer, but that's opening up a completely
different can of beans, so to speak.
-fake is known across the land for his flatulence and for his level-headed attitude
towards political groups.
That and his abnormally
large index finger.
432 Factoid: In 1989, your tuition would have been around $1599.
My sincerest apologies for the last
issue. John and I were on crack,
and we inadvertently switched
the center spread for the 432 with the
center spread of the Underground. Oops.
This time (though we are still on crack),
we've done a bit better, and provided 12
whole pages of irrelevant and irreverent
news, opinions, and cartoons.
Once again, I have some new folx to
introduce (this issue features a all-time
record of eleven writers): Mandy has
been joined by Mike Eastwood and Craig
Temple in the frosh department, while a
battalion of others have crawled out of
the woodwork (Breeone Baxter, Andrew
Martin, and Miss Jenn) to make you
laugh during Chem class.
We have a full set of reports from
ccience Council for your reading enjoyment. Some of them aren't entirely dull,
so take a few minutes to find out what's
happening in SUS.
In AMS news, council has passed the
budget for this year, despite the fact that
the society is now relying heavily on the
one million dollars per year which they
receive from the Coca Cola company.
This money, of course, was never supposed to be used for purposes other than
investment. The AMS has seen quite a
drastic decrease in revenue over the last
two years, and is now heavily reliant on
the beverage deal money. What does this
We apologize to out of province students
who did not receive a copy of the Guide,
the free Science Undergraduate Society
student handbook.
Copies of the Guide will be available for
pick-up in the Science Undergraduate
Society office (Chem BI60) during the
first two weeks of class. Please bring your
student card.
mean to students? Probably not a whole
heck of a lot. If AMS managers and executive are to be believed, the financial situation will correct itself, and we'll be in
the clear after this year. Of course, if we
believed everything AMS managers and
executive said, we'd all be in some serious trouble.
What is disturbing about this whole
shenanigan is the apparent lack of interest on behalf of the AMS council. As BoG
rep David Borins so politely reminded all
of us on council, we, as directors, are personally responsible for the financial
health of the AMS.
Of course, even as the almighty editor
of the 432, I am not free of blame. I was
happy to see the budget passed quickly
and without fuss, even though I truly
had no idea what it actually meant. It is
this kind of ignorance that is libel to
ruin the society, and it is folks like me
who are leading the cow to slaughter.
So, what can be done? First off, I can
start to actually read the items which are
presented to council. Second, I can take
an active interest in making valuable
changes in my student society. In a nutshell, I can take advantage of the fact
that I don't liveun China.
Of course, this'll probably last about as
long as my New Year's resolution not to
read any more Internet pornography. Or
perhaps as long as my bet with John to
produce three error-free issues of The
432. Idealism very rarely outlasts reality.
-Jer. 17 SEPTEMBER 1997
The Dean's office is cool.
The Dean of Science Office works closely with the Science Undergraduate
Society to help make your academic life at UBC as stress and problem-free as
possible. The following information is to tell you about our office, about the
faculty and staff who work in the office, and about the services we offer. Also included is a brief explanation of some of the most common regulations and procedures.
About the Dean's Office
We are located in the Biological Sciences Building, Room 1505. Our phone number
(604)822-3820, and you can find the Science Advising Web Page at http://www.sci-
Office Hours:   Mon-Thurs
9:00AM - 4:00PM
9:00AM - 1:00PM
The Dean of Science Office has five Senior Faculty Advisors to assist you with
Faculty regulations and any academic problems which may arise. Our advising service is on a first-come-first-served basis. As our Senior Advisors are "teaching faculty" the hours vary on a weekly basis.
Senior Advisors
DrJerry Crawford Oology
Mr. Carlo Giovan* g^rScienCe
Mr. Murray Goldberg ^mpure
Mr. Paul Harrison {W
Dr. Charles Scherdlfeger Physics
The staff members who you will meet when you come to the office are Sari, Mary,
and Fran. Sari or Mary will generally be at the front counter assisting you with general advising questions and taking your name for advising appointments. Fran, who
is Dr. Holm's (Associate Dean for Students) secretary, also does general advising. If
you come by our office and there is no advisor scheduled, the staff members can
assist you with any of your concerns, but if they are unable to assist you directly, you
will be re-directed to the appropriate person or office on campus that can provide
you with the information that you need.
Throughout the year, many students encounter problems that make it difficult for
them to concentrate on their studies or even complete requirements for a course (e.g.
serious medical problems, family deaths or traumas that require absence of a student
from class.); consequently, often there is a need for counselling, and if the problem
is sufficiently serious, academic concessions may be appropriate. When these occasions arise, students should come to the Dean immediately or as soon as possible.
Please be aware that there are University Regulations which the Dean's Office must
follow, and although we are here to assist you, untimely notification cannot be considered. Regardless of the problem, if you do not know where to turn, come here
If you are a new first year student in the Faculty of Science, the Dean's Office recommends you sign up for the Mentor Program. Forms are found in your registration
guide or just come by the office and pick one up. This service is free of charge, and
will help new students make the transition from high school to university a little easier and the university environment a little friendlier.
After this message is a survey. We ask that you take a few minutes to complete it,
and return it to the Dean of Science Office.
In closing, I would like to welcome all new and returning students to the Faculty of
Science for the 1997/98 Winter Session. Please remember, we are here to assist you
in any way we can. Again, let me remind you of the three ways in which you can
contact us here at the Dean of Science Office:
On Behalf of the Faculty and Staff in the Dean Of Science Office, I wish you a successful year.
David G. Holm, Associate Dean for Students
-The dean's office is the place to go for most any problem you have. Unless, of course,
you're out of beer. In that case, you can talk to John.
Items you may have missed in
the 1997 AMS Budget.
10.2: $40,000 for
council mind-control
32.7: $78.60 for
President Ryan Davies'
red engineering jacket
38.4: $7,685 for a set\
of 35 monogramed )
silk bathrobes /
6: $320 in v/oodX
shavings for the    j
executive's offices. 7
Dear Stupid American Fishermen,
Once again, I find myself in the difficult position of setting the
record straight. I wish to bring the following points to your attention:
1) I don't care what that bastard in Ottawa says, the sea bed
outside Nanoose belongs to me, and I'm ready to send in
the Navy. Even the guys in rowboats with shotguns.
2) If you sue my ass in Canadian court, I'm going to sue your
ass in an American one.
3) David Anderson looks like Father Christmas on an enforced
diet. Even though this doesn't have anything to do with
the fish thing, I figured this might hurt his credibility.
4) All the fish are mine. Leave them alone, and no one will
get hurt.
5) I am not grandstanding. I am standing on my soapbox, and
there's a big difference.
6)        In the spirit of cooperation, I'll give Bill Clinton a lifetime
supply of Big Macs in return for 80% of the salmon catch.
Glen Clark
Premier of British Columbia and
ex-axe wielding biker thug PAGE FOUR
Room with a view.
Recent articles in the Ubyssey and in
various local Vancouver rags have
pointed out the severe shortage of
student housing. Apparently, these days
there are so many people who want to
pay for the privilege of thin walls, bad
insulation and noisy neighbors that UBC
Housing and its adjunct services are
forced to turn people away, and even off-
campus sources are hard-pressed to meet
these demands.
This got me thinking as to why so many
people wanted to live on campus. Sure, it
was convenient, especially if your family's based in the boondocks. And yes,
there's definitely the allure of living
away from home (maybe for the very
first time). But I'd heard the negative
press as well, about the badly-maintained buildings, the vermin, and the
food (sometimes indistinguishable from
the vermin).
So I hied me over to Brock Hall and
looked through the housing booklet.
Then it dawned on me. Maybe people
were drawn to the place by the advertising. There were pictures of good-looking
people enjoying candlelit dinners. There
were pictures of well-tended facilities,
ranging from music halls to weights
rooms. And there were pictures of the
warm, soft glow of the mid-afternoon
sunlight cascading through the blinds
into a spacious, well-furnished, plant-
filled room which, the brochure assures
me, is in Place Vanier. Now, I've spent
some time in Vanier (largely in Hamber
house). Forget the fact that the room in
the picture is actually a double residence
being occupied by a single person. Forget
the fact that the picture must have been
taken in the mid-eighties (judging from
the posters of the Culture Club,
Bananarama, Tears for Fears, and the Go-
Go's littering the walls). And forget the
fact that they must have fumigated that
room fairly recently, otherwise the sil-
verfish would have been posing for the
shot. Despite all this, the brochure cries,
Place Vanier, Totem Park, and all the
other residences on campus, misleading
advertising notwithstanding, are still the
Places to Be!
Still relatively confused about the entire
subject, I got some testimonials about
campus life from a few friends. You can't
beat living on campus for convenience
and atmosphere, they said to me. Like in
real estate, it's all location, location,
location. You can get up late, they say,
have a leisurely breakfast and still make
Food, folks and
Breeonne Baxter
Slave to the arches.
Hi. My name is Breeonne, and I am a McDonalds employee <sob>.Who would
have thought. Me. A second year science student at UBC. I tried to get a real
job in May, but nooooo, can't have THAT. Can't let her have one now. I really wish they would write that in the "Big Book of Stuff We Need To Know", along
with the actual rooms my Arts classes are in, and how to find Chem 231 lab. But a
Mcjob provides a bizarre insight into the human mind. At least, most of them are
human. I've seen all variety of vertebrates stumble into My McDonalds©. I am convinced some were Fraser river rats upright and clothed. After this summer, the concept of hell is not as foreign as I once hoped.
In one of my last days at work, I was confronted with the Customer From Hell. That
name was actually sewn into his shirt pocket. So I plaster my patented "I-would-tell-
you-to-bite-me-but-I have-to-look-cheerful-because-they-would-fire-me" grin on my
face and I ask "How can I help you today?"
"I wanna chicken thing," he said.
"Would that be a McChicken meal?" I can see where this is going. He grunts. I
assume this was yes.
"Would you care to SuperSize that today?"
"Whaaa? Whaaa the hell?" I take the time now to explain how the concept of "big"
and "small" relate to the whole McPhilosophy.
"Don't wan' it" I punch in the meal as such. Then, "Wait, I wanna Biggie fries." I
change it.
"Would you like Coke for your drink?" I ask as I follow my prescribed McTalk. I get
a blank stare.
"No." He stops. I stop. We both wait. Now this is the point where most normal people would tell me what kind of drink they do want. This guy just stands there. I get
fed up first and ask,
"Well, what would you like to drink?"
OK. I have 30 minutes left until I can go home. My patience is crawling around on
the floor, but I must remain calm. A murder charge will not be good on a resume. So
I get his meal. After it is all over, he says, "I did'n' wanna ice in thaaaa drink."
Breathe, Breeonne. I tell myself it'll be good practice for dealing with my TA's this
year. I restrained myself from telling him where to put that ice, and get him another drink. Because the "customer is always right". Uh huh. He gets his new drink, tosses four pounds of change on my counter, and walks off. And the capper? The creep
shorted me 57c.
Moral of the story? Don't bug us people in the green/blue/pink. We handle your
food. When you order, be clear. We can't read. Minds, I mean. We can't read minds.
Don't stare blankly at me. I'll stare blankly back at you. But most of all, don't get the
clown mad. Ronald McDonald. Anyone seen that Stephen King movie with the crazy
clown? Some night, you'll be walking that dark alley, and see those red shoes,red
wig, and painted smile. So don't push us.
Have you had your break today?
it on time for your 8:30. And you never
have to worry about transportation after
a beer garden, because, if you live on
campus, you can always stagger (or
crawl, or be carried) home. Of course, all
this was said to me about a year ago as
these self-same friends were entering
their second year of residency at UBC; at
this moment, however, they are now
either living off-campus or currently
going the motions of locating off-campus housing.
Living in Res definitely isn't for everyone; other people gave me the opposite
story. Some people would rather undergo listening to five hours of bad Ross
Perot metaphors (such as the now-classic: "You can't expect to take a hedgehog
into a barn, set it on fire and get
licorice") than stay on campus. One of
my friends, for example, refuses to put
up with living with roomies, possibly
because his alternatingly gregarious and
antagonistic personality might drive
anybody living in close quarters with
him into a homicidal rage; and possibly
because he lives in the paranoid fear
that, at any time, his roomies might, for
some inexplicable reason, thoroughly
lick every dairy product in their refrigerator. Consequently, my friend is paying
around five to six hundred a month for
a bachelor's suite somewhere in the
Burrard-Broadway orbit. Another friend
got so fed up with the noise, annoyance,
and administration of the campus housing situation that she gave it all up, buggered off to Toronto for a couple of
months and returned to Vancouver to
share the rent with a friend of hers for a
place somewhere in the Granville-
Broadway area.
As for myself, as much fun as Res might
be, I'd rather be warm and secure in a
home provided by my parents, who are
not only letting me get off with rent-free
housing, but are also footing the electrical bill for the computer upon which I
am scribing this drivel. It is because
perks such as these that I am fully conversant with the advantages of living at
home. I mean, in addition to the free
housing, I get free cable, telephone,
laundry, food and take-out services, in
exchange for a share of the chores, some
light yard work, and the right for my
parents to smirk and torment me unmercifully when I come home staggering,
late at night, after a party.
This isn't such a terrible deal. In the
end, the only thing I do miss out on, not
living in Res, is having ethernet access
right into my room. This, and the opportunity to sneak into the kitchen and lick
all the dairy products in the refrigerator.
I'm a frosh
Mike Eastwood
Real life First-year, Part two.
What the hell is a freshman? I try not to exude the image of the dreaded
'frosh'. Unfortunately, when you stumble into your first class of the year
ten minutes late with sweat dripping down the side of your face and your
fly undone, you sure aren't helping your cause. I guess it could have been worse...I
could have forgotten to wear underwear that day.
And what class did I have first, you ask? English. And as all male science students
know, English is the last class in which you want to make a fool out of yourself, especially on the first day. Why is that, ladies? Truthfully, it's because English is a science
boy's only true 'babe-course'. We don't know why, we just know that looking around
an English class is much more pleasing to the eye than most other classes. I was once
told that Fine Arts was the "babe-faculty", which made sense to me. In fact, I almost
dropped out of science the very next day.
It's scary the way the third and fourth-year students can identify freshmen. My
group leader for Imagine UBC could spot one a mile away. I guess it's the big backpacks that blow your cover. I never understood people with big-assed backpacks. At
a glance, most would assume that these "pack-people" have got someplace to go, but
do they ever actually get anywhere? What do they have in there, anyways? Lunch?
Dinner? The entire stock of a 7-Eleven? A dead body? Ah, the possibilities are endless	
So let's forget the "pack-people" and the "babe-courses", and return to the original
question: What the hell is a freshman? It's deeper than just being enrolled in classes
that start with a "1". There are certain actions and aspects of your personage that can
slap a "freshman" label on you. Do you drool over the babes in your classes, even
when they're looking right at you? Do you sport a beanie with a propeller? Is your
backpack bigger than Chris Farley? Are you still wondering where your locker is? If
any of these apply to you, beware you're freshman material. If not, I don't know
what the hell you are, but don't you dare call yourself a frosh. You have to earn that
-J think the term is slacker, -ed
The 432 completely
supports whatever it Is
that the AMS executive
wants us to do. Baaa. 17 SEPTEMBER 1997
Room for a spew.
I feel like Clint Eastwood. The Old Man
of Acting himself, in his classic role:
Escape from Alcatraz. I've finally got
my own place.
For the last five years, I've lived at UBC.
I've done it all, from Totem Park to Gage
to Thunderbird. And although things
were different in each place—some
things better, some things worse, a common thread was maintained by all.
Living in rez sucks. End of story.
You've heard—for those few loyal, longtime readers—of some of these stories
before. There was the first two years at
Totem Park, with the guy down the hall
with The Most Wicked Sound System
Since Woodstock. Nothing gets you up
for your 8:30 class quicker than Meatloaf
at 150 decibels. That was the biggest
problem with Totem Park—walls made
of toilet paper. Thus, you could set your
clock by the activities of those around
8 : 3 0 p m : S c r e e ... thump!
Screee... thump ?Screethump!
Screethump! Screethump! Thump!
Thump! Thump!
8:31 pm: Silence.
9:30 pm: Scree...scree thump...
You get the idea. The guy upstairs must
have had a really close friend.
And of course, the guy next door, who
never figured out that modems could be
set to "silent." There's nothing like getting      woke      at      3am      with      a
"squeeeellll hisssss...beep!" as that
bastard next door hooked up to AOL to
play the latest MUD.
But I soon escaped the chicken burgers
made with authentic "assorted poultry
parts" and the cheeseburgers better suited for a friendly game of street hockey
instead of human consumption. I made
my way to South 12 of Gage.
At first, Gage seemed like heaven. My
very own kitchen. A great view of the
freighters plying their trade back and
forth in the harbour far below. I thought
I was on Cloud Nine, as we all chipped
in stereo components and speakers to
create a wicked surround sound system
for the TV. One fellow was even kind
enough to spend the last $1500 of his
student loan on a sub-woofer for
beneath the couch so we could really get
the authentic feel during that memorable James Bond marathon.
But then I realized the critical flaw in
this idyllic plant.
One of my roommates was a pig.
By pig, I don't mean to say that he was
overweight, or smelled like bacon. He
just was incapable of doing dishes. A
genetic flaw, I think.
So his dishes always clogged the sink,
and if anyone else didn't really want to
risk salmonella by drinking out of a cup
crusted with last month's milk, they had
to do three sinks' worth just to uncover
the faucet. We never did see the bottom
of that sink. I think it was stainless steel.
But I'm riot sure.
Needless to say, this proved to be a
major disincentive for keeping the place
even reasonably tidy. Dishes piled up.
This led to stacking the excess on the
floor, covering up the crumbs, chip bags,
spilled food and other assorted biohaz-
ards. Cans and bottles, washed or not,
piled up on the balcony, allowing us to
view the local crows and seagulls at close
But one day we realized that our occupancy was coming to an end. The Boy
Scouts showed up to take away the bottles, cans and newspapers, and only one
of them cut himself on broken beer bottles. We solved the dish situation by lining the shower stall bottom with garbage
bags, adding lye, dishes, bleach, etc, and
running the tap long enough to cover up
the plates. A day's soak in that mixture
lifted the dirt right off.
Overall, the place was a dump. So I didn't go back, and went to Thunderbird
Of all the residences, this was the best.
Older students, so noise and filth
decreased proportionally. Only a few
problems remained.
Like the Singer in the Shower. I could
have killed him. Off-key Christmas carols in Cantonese just don't meet my
musical standards. Especially when it's
But now I'm free. Living in a basement
suite isn't exactly the Ritz though. I've
got a small fly problem. I looked everywhere, thinking the last tenant was kind
enough to stash a dead horse in the closet.
And my bathroom's smaller than the
one on most airlines. I have to duck
slightly to use the shower, and I think
the most efficient way of getting clean
would be to soap up the walls well before
use and then spin myself frantically. The
drapes look like something my dad wore
in the early 1970s—that faded yellow
flower pattern that scarred my childhood.
But it's mine. And it ain't rez. 'Nuff said.
-Blair actually lives upstairs from the
Ivanhoe. Third cubbyhole on the left.-ed
Frosh Fashion Guide
Miss Jenn
Fashion to the masses!
Back-to-school brings another crop of freshmen eager to
make a good impression (on who, it begs to be asked...)
There's no better way to turn heads than- by the clothes
you wear-the right ensemble can take you from a lowly freshman face in the crowd to a hip and
suave upperclassman. But, how, you
ask, can I effect such a wondrous rYV
change? Well sweeties, listen up 'cos the
doctor is in. Miss
Jenn's Guide to
Practical and Suave
Fashion™ should
be taken as
#1. Buy a
Lab Coat.
Wear It.
says "
like a too-
big 100% cotton lab coat. Lab coats are only required in second year and beyond, and a little alteration goes along way...
Go to the Chem lab. Get some potassium permanganate (purple liquid) and spill copious quantities on your coat. Next, find
some 20M HC1. Take off your coat (this part is somewhat
important) and pour the acid here and there. This will give you
some lovely holes (be creative - try to make the holes into
shapes.) Holding your coat over a bunsen burner gives a nice
two-tone effect as well. And there you go - now you're a
Chemistry post-doctoral fellow with the battle scars to show.
While you're at it, trade in your RayBans for some tinted safety goggles.
#2. Comfortable Shoes.
In your 4 years here, you're gonna walk a lot. Most of it in the
rain. Those open-toed platform sandals from first-year will, I
guarantee, be replaced by the bastion of the elderly - sensible
footwear. Go to a uniform supply store, but several pairs of
nurse's shoes, white. They go really well with the lab coat.
#3. Minimalist Luggage.
People age, when you age you can't carry heavy loads, and
alcohol accelerates the process. Ergo, a 20 year old who has
been to more than 40 beer gardens is in worse physical shape
than Keith Richards. This is why nobody past first year carries
a backpack larger than a minibar (though some do carry mini-
bars). In fact, some people have completed entire Ph.D.'s on
nothing more than Starbucks napkins using a pencil nicked
from a mini golf course. If you really need a carry-all of some
sort though, a Safeway bag is a cheap and chic alternative.
'4. Rainwear.
UBC gets a bit soggy after September, outside and in.
Sometimes the Rowing crew practices in Buchanan's hallways (don't believe me? - there are oar marks on the lockers...) When you find yourself in the rain, forget about
an umbrella - they're too big, they track water inside, they
smell after awhile, and they'll poke holes in your Safeway
bag. You know those transparent plastic kerchiefs that
, f you tie under your neck? very useful, and I'll be
damned if it doesn't
go with any out
Last   year,
some of the
hipsters were  \ {sf:
spotted in    *
bathing caps studded V >f
with plastic flowers - ^v,
chic! u
And that's it! 4 easy
steps and you too can be
a hep cat or hip kitten. If I
you     don't     instantly \
become   the   object   of |
intense campus-wide lust, \
it's not the fault of the
clothes. It's probably just
some inherent major personality defect; I can cure
you in 5 sessions....
And that's it. Mildly amusing and pretty damned practical, if
I may say so myself.
-Miss Jenn
This is a paid advertisement
Dear Students,
It has come to my attention that
some of you may actually
believe what the lunatics at The
432 are writing.
Contrary to what they may say,
the AMS executive are not a
bunch of snivelling, ineffective,
drunken gits. In fact, most of us
are relatively sober right now. I
find it personally offensive that a
paper which supposedly represents science students can take
such an irresponsible view on
something as important as student politics.
The AMS exists to provide the
students of this university valuable services (such as $3000
benches and helpful SUB signage) which enrich their lives
and support their dreams. We
also provide a platform for
meaningful discussion on a variety of highly relevant cultural
issues pertaining directly to the
city-state of South Vernogovitz.
The society does not, however,
exist for the amusement of a
handful of miscreants.
I thinkyou will all agree that
there is no place for humour in
student politics.
Shirin Faroutan
AMS<x>-ordinator of External
This is a paid advertisement PAGE SIX
UBC hides grim tale of
student exploitation.
Phil Ledwith has been at UBC for eight years (second only to engineering president Johann
Thornton's 11). For the benefit of future generations (and because he's ran out of original
ideas), he's decided to chronicle his time here, in the form of a series of short stories. The
following is the first installment.
The really frightening thing is, while most of these articles are satire, everything
I'm about to tell you is absolutely true.
The only reason I survived first year at UBC was because of a book. It wasn't a textbook. It wasn't the Inside UBC. It wasn't some administration-spawned guide to better studying. It wasn't even The Guide (sorry Jer). Th?s is not a book that you would
ever find within a thousand miles of UBC. I doubt this book still exists. It was called
Bluff Your Way Through University, and I'm certain it was actually meant to be humorous and not ever really applied as a survival guide. But then, this
is UBC.
Remember that phrase: this is UBC. It will solve a lot of philosophical problems you will encounter here. Example: Why are
we cutting down trees on one end of the campus to improve
accessibility for cars and transit, while at the other we recently
tore up a parking lot to build - you guessed it - a forestry building?
Answer: this is UBC. See, you feel better already. Let's proceed.
The only thing not covered in Bluff Your Way Through University
was the actual getting to your place of study. As it turned out,
this information was important, because many of the worst
problems occur at this stage. I cannot actually prove that UBC
projects a sentient, malicious administrative field from itself to
affect the soul of anyone signed up to register there, but the first
time in my life that anything went seriously wrong I was trying
to get to UBC.
It will come as no surprise to those who know me that I came
within a hairs' breadth of never making it to UBC. A very very
thin hair's breadth. You see, my father - bless his tight fisted little heart - had decided to sacrifice comfort for economy when
booking my flight to Canada, where seven glorious years ago I
was heading, all bright eyed and bushy tailed. The flight was
booked to leave Dublin Shannon and stop at - I kid you not -
London UK, then Boston, then Minnesota, then Los Angeles,
then Seattle. I got as far as London UK. That was when the following
exchange occurred.
(AIRPORT ATTENDANT): "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you can't step
on the plane."
why not, exactly?"
(AA): "I'm afraid your Visa papers are not in order, sir. You could get as far as Seattle,
but without an American Visa you would not be permitted to set foot off the plane"
(P): "Oh, shit. I, I mean, um, supposing I had a ticket to Vancouver from Seattle-
would that be okay?"
(AA): "Oh, certainly, that would be fine. However, the gates close in ten minutes..."
(P): "Right. (Fuck). Right, ten minutes, (fuck o fuck o fuck), er... hold my bags?"
(AA): "I'm sorry sir, but security regulations -"
(P): "That's great, really, really great. Here. Be right back."
Phil in 1989.
(AA): "but - SIR!"
Let me tell you about the plane ticket that I managed to get in those seven minutes-
a standby from Vancouver to Seattle on the night of August 18, 1990. Let me tell you
about the twelve or so passengers that were crammed into this dinosaur of aviation
through worsening summer storms. I'd been travelling for about twenty five hours
at this point, so I was trying to sleep through the shaking of the cabin. One of the
airplane propellers was sounding very very dodgy. Lightning crackled in the sky like
a really big beetle being crushed under some angry god-child's heel in school recess.
I opened one disgruntled eye, and all twelve of the passengers were looking at each
other nervously and trying to convey reassuring smiles. All twelve of the passengers
looked as though they had diarrhea.
Which brings me neatly to the subject of university food. By now most of you will
have been fortunate enough to encounter the University's
excuse for digestible material. The freshman fifteen does not
actually refer to any weight gained at UBC; it in fact refers to
the number of years it would take you to work out the contents
of anything you actually ate here. I refer mostly here to residence food; we'll talk about the SUB and the AMS another day,
because Jer the Editor is getting very antsy to see this article finished and I'm running out of time and words. At least some of
you will have moved away from home to go to University this
year, and so the big question of where to live has come up.
Basically, you have two choices. You can live in a residence
room, which in essence is a poorly furnished cardboard box
that is too hot in the summer, too cold in the winter, infested
with insects and comes free with a strange roommate called
Howie who you can often hear having noisy sex in the room
next door at 4 am (Only the most dim witted and naive of people, and apparently residence advisers, would believe that only
having a single bed to work with will prevent students from
having sex). All residence rooms are priced at roughly the same
level as a manned NASA space flight to Mars, payable either in
monthly installments or in large fat Pentagon-budget style
installments at the start of each term. Alternatively, you could
opt to live off campus, which essentially means living in a
poorly furnished cardboard box that is too hot in the summer,
too cold in the winter, infested with insects and comes free
with a retired Hell's Angels biker roommates who you can often
hear having noisy sex in the room next door at 4 am. Rooms off campus have slightly thicker walls, so you don't get to hear the sound of
the condom coming off this time. For this small luxury, your rent
becomes slightly higher than this month's NASA flight budget.
Does this sound unfair? Remember the mantra. This is UBC.
Being particularly stupid in first year, I opted for residence, and was placed in place
Vanier. For those of you living there, I have some important advice: leave as early as
you can in December, because the heating gets switched off without notice. I was a
little stunned when I first learned that I was paying $350 a month for a place that
would not provide me with hot water (which makes showering in December quite
the adventure), but I was even more surprise a week later when, thinking I'd have a
bowl of cereal to stave off the cold, I reached out for my milk and discovered it had
frozen in the carton on my window ledge. But more about this next time, when I
finish up on residence food and life in general, and move on to another subject close
to your heart: garbage.
To a SUB
near you.
Shitloads of bzzr (8- ^vvodka?)
One Spirit-ed band
Hordes of screaming drunks
Whom we can't actually mention by name yet, but we can say that they
seriously kick ass on stage, and that they're from the West, (hint hint) 17 SEPTEMBER 1997
Frosh Report.
Mandy Seymour
Real Life First-year
So all you non-froshes are wondering - what the hell is Imagine UBC? Basically
it's a big excuse to skip class. The whole time wasting production began with a
formal academic procession in which the deans and chancellors showed their
true sexual preference by wearing dresses (I could make a bad kilt joke here but I'll
pass). In the true spirit of Diamond Dave, the new UBC prez chick, Dr. Martha Piper,
proved her complete incompetence at speaking in full sentences. She sounded like
Tony the Tiger with her anthem, "Great universities have great students and great
opportunities and ...blah...great...blah." Apparently we all have brains in our feet
(don't ask - you had to be there.) Next they rounded up us SUS frosh and gave us
workshops on study habits and stuff... actually UBC Balderdash wasn't half bad
(duh? what's UBC stand for?) Apparently those darn Engineers got to go the Cheese
for free beer...(I'm just a little bitter). At Chan Centre: the Dean and some science
profs put on a little play with some grad students but it came off as completely fake.
But I have to say, the Biology prof was kinda witty - cheers (you deserve a free
InstaBeer account) to the chick who screamed out, "Hey baby, what section do you
teach?!" Gotta remember that pick-up line -1 hear it works great outside the Pit Pub
after the fire alarm goes off (deja vu, huh?)
Back at the Chan Centre, the juggling lessons by the Computer Science profs were
sorta fun... I'd never before met someone who can juggle four balls at once (no, I'm
not demented but maybe immature). The concert after with speedbump and The
Malchiks were fucking rad (excuse my french). Perhaps Jer was trying to make a
fashion statement in his plaid PJs and "Sponsored by Pepsi" shirt. Yes, the mime was
getting more attention than speedbump but what I heard was rockin' (I'm not sucking up to my editor or anything...) The free fortune cookies from AMS were
tasty....what was my fortune you ask? But I have to admit - the AMS fortune cookies
were truly the highlight of Imagine UBC. My fortune said I would be bribed with
beer to join a cultish group., nah... that would never happen. During this whole
Imagine thing those deranged APEC whiners were trying to corrupt their sweet innocent frosher with their Nuremberg propaganda (re: all the mindless artsies were
sucked in). Seriously though, you have to admit that the "Fuck off APEC" signs and
the lip-sticked Goddess of Peace statue were in bad taste. "Oh...yah...we're a bunch
of incompetent artsies with a bullshit humanitarian cause which has never actually
existed and never will exist," said their president, Mr. Eric Smith, "Damn those science freaks, they have unraveled my sadistic master plan for world domination."
-Wow. Only three weeks in, and she's already got an attitude. Not surprising, for the girl
who used to run the official Alanis Morissette Web Page, -ed
Trvrts. we ^w-T iA% of t»e y£A>?, ttwas ihe <*& whcsei BsmeO rue
ftltowyt torn im m im muwy,
„   ,„,*-.   fa*W5*tfr ymmfsetn to ham
| IVsVolO   A MW SUIT     WUimeO.l WD«G£« IF TOtEi sotmiHtr HoRL
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AMP   NOT A     1     IHltitrS
HMT Of fOWiAAfe: AF005,
News Briefs
Scotland is looking for a site to
build their new parliament.
Edinburgh, the port city of
Leith, McDonnagars Olde
Tyme Tavern are top contenders.
The United States refuses to
sign a landmine treaty which
would eliminate the production of land mines and call for
a dramatic reduction in stock
piles over the next ten years.
They did say, however, that
they were willing to stop producing Twinkies so long as
they could still export King
Cape Canaveral-
NASA officials have expressed
concern for the safety of
American astronauts staying
aboard the space station Mir.
In an unrelated story a huge
object fell from the sky
destroying a large cattle barn
in Indiana, killing four hundred cows and a small dog
named Wilf.
Graduates of Trinity Western
University, a Christian university, are now allowed to teach
in public schools. Hearing this
decision, the Langley School
Board has decided to adopt a
new program to curb child
Duck And Cover!
Damn Frosh!
Quick lil'...
Join the
First Year
Its an easy, fun
way to get
Come talk to
John Fournier
in SUS or Email
your very own
Internal Vice
Pres at
Ask Dr. Temple.
Craig Temple
Medical Expert
Anew addition to the 432 this year
is the Ask Dr. Temple column.
This is where you, the highly educated or the high and educated reader
write down your medical questions and
send them to the 432 publishing suite
c/o Dr. Temple, or e-mail them to drtem-
ple@unixg.ubc.ca. I will then consult my
vast medical knowledge or draw upon
my resources in the medical community
to provide solutions to your ailments.
Our first patient has a very interesting
Dear Dr. Temple,
I am a first year student at UBC and it
has been brought to my attention that,
despite my best intentions, rather fowl
odours routinely escape my body. I did
not notice this until swarms of panhandling squirrels would approach me for
bits of my sandwich, only to collapse on
the ground and convulse violently. It
seems that my particular eau de toilette
may be the cause of my job application
being rejected by McDonald's. Not only
does my condition affect my social and
professional life, but I also feel that this
is the reason that my car never passes
the Air Care test. The only reason that I
haven't been singled out as the smelliest
student at UBC is because the garbage
strike provides some form of nasal camouflage for me, and I'm afraid that the
strike can't last forever. Help me Dr.
Temple, you're my only hope, the fact
that I stink hangs over me like a cloud,
and I don't know what to do.
Ester MacHine
Well, Ester don't worry too much, this is
a very common problem among engineers. An estimated 87% of all engineers
have had chronic odour problems sometime during their stint here at UBC. My
advice to you is that, despite what you
have been told, water is not just the
main ingredient in bzzr or a substance
used to tank people. Water is conventionally used to bathe in, and I believe
that bathing at least once a week will
bring about an immediate improvement
in your condition. To supplement your
treatment I want you to come into SUS
where I have written you a prescription
for a month's supply of Prozac™. I also
suggest that you make an appointment
for booster shots for your mumps,
measles, small pox, and polio vaccines.
Sometimes when I'm feeling a little
under-the-weather all it takes is a routine
vaccination and I'm feeling great. Don't
be discouraged if this doesn't work, often
an out-patient lobotomy is necessary to
forever remove your brain's tendency to
cause the body to create smells. Failing
all else you can always apply for a job at
Burger King and try to go on with your
life. Good luck, and try to remember
that, although it stinks, having your
condition isn't the end of the world.
Ester here is a fine example of how we
that have taken the Hipocratic Oath can
solve your medical problems. So write
your ailments down and I shall help you
all in turn. The Doctor is In.
-Please do not, under any circumstance,
take Dr. Temple's advice. The 432 is not
responsible for any embarassment, bodily
harm, or itchy sores caused by this feature.-
Hi. We at The 432 would like to apologize
for the high amount of profanity that seems
to have been published this issue.
Why are we all swearing suddenly? Well,
after hours of careful research, The 432
Laboratories have discovered a strong
correlation between the number of female
writers at the paper and the level of profanity.
It should be pointed out that it isn't the girls
who are actually swearing, so maybe the
guys are swearing to impress them.
Go figure.
Earle Warren
Shit Disturber
Strapped for cash? Looking for beer
money? Want to screw the Ubyssey?
Well, it's your lucky day. Since the
Ubyssey gained independence from the
AMS, we are no longer required to pay
our fees to the paper. Nevertheless, we
are charged $5 at the beginning of the
year for exactly the same purpose.
There's good news, however - you can
get your five bucks back. Here's how:
1. Walk into the offices of the Ubyssey,
which are located in the back of the SUB,
in room 241K.
2. Say "Hi. I'd like to have my UbySsey
fee reimbursed. I don't read the paper,
and I never will. Please, for the love of
god, just give me my money, and no pne
gets hurt." Or, something like that.
3. Get your five dollars *:
4. Go spend it on crack cocaine.
Well, there you have it. It's easy, jt's
quick, and it it'll sure be a pain in the ass
for the staff at the Ubyssey.
Speaking of being a pain in the ass, you
can also get you fees back from the
Student Recreation Centre. This time,
however, it's forty bucks. That's money
that can be spent on high-class, designer
drugs. Or, alternately, it can be donated
to the fine staff at the 432.
PUS U\a.   I     111   ll  ill     llJ
Notice of service and fare changes
After an extensive research effort by our marketing department revealed that a bridge between Vancouver Island and
the Lower Mainland is not economical or structurally feasible, we have decided to change our customer policy.
Yes, we've decided to screw you over real good.
First, our fares will soon jump from $8.00 per passenger to
$15.00 per passenger. And you'll still have to line up for
hours to get a chance to pay for it. God, this is a great
Secondly, we're cutting back on sailings. We understand
that huge line-ups and six sailing waits will happen, but we
just plain don't care.
Thank you for your time and please keep the cash flowing.
BC Ferries.
Because what are you going to do, swim? 17 SEPTEMBER 1997
^click here to lose your mincP)
O    N   L   I   N   E
There is no catch.
This is a valid offer.
As part of their setieraifion from the RMS, The Ubyssey
Publications Society has agreed to refund the $5 Ubyssey fee
to any student who comes to SUB 241K with a valid student card.
This Is non a Joke. This Is a valid offer.
.*''    'I        \*»k *
Box 2
Box 3
S.U.S. Hockey Pool 2
Box 4
Box 5
Box 6
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[]P.Rosa        LA
njE.Rasmussen  Bs-^
[~]A.Zyuzin     SJ
Team Name_
Phone #	
Choose One Player from each box.
Fill out this form and return it to Aarne in Chem B160.
There is a $5 entry fee.
Prizes will be:
1st Place: 60% Plus a Vancouver Canucks Hockey Jersey!
2nd Place: 30%
3rd Place: 10%
In the event of a tie, the tiebreaker will be used.
No Trades will be allowed this year.
Entry Deadline: Monday October 6th. For more info contact Aarne at
822-4235 or <aarne@unixg.ubc.ca>.
Tie Breaker:What Place will Vancouver Finish in the Western Conference(l-13)?_ PAGE TEN
Rock n Roll, baby!
Andrew Martin
Roving Correspondent
I always laugh at these so called 'Ironman' events. All these people do is swim, bike
and run. My question is, could they survive at the front of a five hour mosh pit
at Thunderbird Stadium? Until they prove that, I consider them wimps.
My recent experiences on this summer's music scene had been tremendous, but
they have also left me with hernias, concussions and a simulated heart attack. Ever
since a friend of mine got me front row tickets to a major concert (Hi C.B.), I need
to be up front. Unfortunately, front row for my favorite bands means parting a sea
of flannel and denim to reach the promised land i.e. a black metal fence 7 feet from
the stage.
Back in April, I was trying to impress a girl by saying that I had floor tickets to
Metallica. She looked at me like I was a freak. I could see her perspective. Why would
any sane person want to be crushed against a cast-iron fence by thousands of weirdos
just to get a good look at the band? Why get hit in the head with 110 lb army boots
worn by the 100 lb girl body surfing from behind? Especially when you can get back
and get a second hand high off of the fog that covers the rest of the field.
This came up to me at Edgefest and I asked the person next to me. He promptly
yelled that this was rock and roll and he then punched me in the head and started
laughing hysterically as the blood flowed out. As my mind slipped away I wondered,
with increasing class size and bigger and bigger lecture halls, how long will it be until
they hold lectures at Thunderbird (actually I was thinking how funny the word titmouse was).
I mean, imagine it. 10,000 students on Thunderbird field, getting a pat down at the
door (maybe at UW, but here?) and proceeding to fight for the best seats. I would
love to see them keeners fight it out for the front row. Some balding 70 year old
would come out and yell.
Then he would run around the stage while going over the details of exactly how
sound bounces off the walls. People would quietly take notes until one guy fell
down, then they'd all go into a frenzy and throw themselves against each other
while the teacher mooned and then urinated on the class, all the whole time screaming out the difference between acceleration and velocity. Everything would end with
the teacher throwing overheads out to a chanting crowd leaving, then doing an
encore explaining the Doppler effect. I then see Jim Morrison's face and he asks...
"What in the $#!* are you doing?"
Just then I came to, finding myself buck naked in the fetal position on top of the
Tea Party's synthesizer. Later, the video replay shows me that in fact 30,000 people
have just seen me jump on the stage and strip down naked while screaming a song
about how Satan created the photoelectric effect. I hear Muchmusic is planning to
splice it into their channel promo. Let's see U2 top that for showmanship (on Dec.
9 watch for the 20 year old climbing on the stage to do an encore entitled "Golgi
Bodies from Hell").
-Rock'n'Roll will never die! Yah! ACDC
Woo!! -ed
September 10th
submissions to jerthorp@unixg.ubc.ca
or dropped off to Chem B160.
The Official 432 Dead Pool 2.
UBC's most tasteless contest returns for its second year.
DISCLAIMER: If you are offended easily or sicken the thought of betting
on someone (else)'s death, go have a few belts of whiskey instead of
reading this.
Official Dead
Pool Rules.
1.   Make a list of 15 individuals that
you think are likely to pop \% before
press time of the last issue of The
You can't outwit Death, but you can sure make a nice profit off of him. Here's how: make a list
of 15 famous folks who you think are likely to pop it by year's end, submit it to The 432 by the
first of October and start watching the evening news with baited breath.
Sure, it's immoral, insensitive and quite frankly a little bit sick. But it's lots of fun!! And it doesn't
cost a thing to enter! So why not?
C'mon, what have you got to lose? Make up your list and start waiting! Updates will be printed
every two weeks in The 432. Good luck and don't fear the reaper. Submissions cqn be dropped
off in SUS (ChemB160) or emailed to <fibble@unixg.ubc.ca>.
So, who's already dead?
Well folks, it's been a big week for death.
First we lost Princess Di, but that doesn't have
any real implications for the contest because
no one saw it coming.
Next was Mobutu Seke Sako (sp?), this was
a shoe-in. He had cancer and was the most
hated man in Zaire. Too bad no one got points.
William S. Burroughs opted to join the
choir invisible. Another easy point taken out of
the running. Any really old gay smack addict
has to fall into a high risk group of some kind.
Berges Meredith, famous for his accurate
portrayal of The Penguin in the Batman series,
squawked his last squawk. Another shoe-in lost
to Adam West, who isn't a bad bet himself.
Mother Teresa; God blinked.
This week's top picks.
1. Frank Sinatra.Look at the facts: he's on
his death bed and he's agreed to squeal
on The Mob. This guy isn't going to see
2. That old woman in Quebec. She's the
oldest person in the world and there's a
110 year old in L.A. that's getting jealous.
3. Teddy Kennedy. Someone with a bad
habit of driving off bridges while drunk
isn't long for this world.
4. Bob Dole. Bob Dole's going to die because
Bob Dole doesn't know Bob Dole's own
5. Gerald Ford. He's eighty and he trips a
lot. I see a broken hip in his future.
2. Hand your list into SUS or email it
to <fibble@unixg.ubc.ca> before
midnight Oct. 1. Any deaths before
Oct. 1 cannot count for points.
3. Late entries will be accepted.
However, you don't get points for
people already dead.
4. Only include celebrities. Names like
"Anyone who flies Valujet", "my
roommate" and "The editor of The
432" will not be accepted.
5. All deaths on your list will only count
for one point, regardless of ordering.
6. There is noooooo rule six.
7. Any contestant found guilty in a
court of law for the murder of a
celebrity on their list will not receive
the point. Everyone else, however,
8. We're sorry. Elvis is dead. If you must
include him, he will have to be
proven to be alive and subsequently
die during the contest for you to
get a point.
9. We don't know what the prize is yet,
but it'll be something really cool.
Trust us. Last year, we gave away a
few tickets to Arts County Fair. 17 SEPTEMBER 1997
The Drawers of SUS •
Mikey Boetzkes
Social Coordinator
Bella Carvallho
Hello loyal readers. It comes as a great surprise to me that people do actually
read what I write. So I ask all of you readers why don't you come into the SUS
office and volunteer to help out at the events that I put on. I can't promise
fame and fortune in return but last year the volunteers got to attend a private 5440
sound check.
In related news, the 2nd Class Bash didn't go as bad as. it may have looked. In fact
it worked out quite well, no thanks to the wonderful people attending the first Pit
night who pulled the fire alarm. For the first time ever, I came in under budget. Mind
you, I inflated the budget a lot, but that's not the point.
Oktoberfest is quickly approaching and as of publication time, most of the members
of Spirit of the West have agreed to play. Keep your eyes open but don't expect too
much. Even if they can't make it we will get another good band. So no matter what
sometime mid Oktober there's going to be an awesome party that could use lots of
volunteers and drunk people so show up.
As always, I can be reached in Chem B160, or at boetzkes@unixg.ubc.ca.
Aarne Hamalainen
Well, here I am,early in the morning, typing away at an article that no one
will read. But at least for once, I managed to get a decent coffee out of that
coffee machine. Speaking of which, elections are coming up! (No, I don't
know how I got from one to the other, so don't ask). If you want to run for council, and get a say in what we do with your money, now is your chance. Meetings are
Thursdays at 1:30, please be sure you can attend them. If you're not on council,
but would like to come to the meetings, feel free. They're open to all science students, but only elected members get a vote. What else is going on in science?
Damn...thinking is reeeeallllllly hard before noon. Um, Oktoberfest is coming up,
but I think there's still another paper coming out before then. I'm sure the other exec
handed in their reports to Jer, so take a look through those since I just steal their stuff
for mine anyways. Personally, I'm going to get another cup of coffee.
John Fournier	
Internal V.P.
Sports Cuy
Resistance is futile... you will join an Intramural team. With so many sports
available there is something for almost everyone. For example: Ball Hockey,
Ice Hockey, Basketball, Cycling, Futsal(indoor soccer), Arts '20 Relay,
Badminton, Table Tennis, Tennis, Running, Softball, Volleyball, Ultimate and Major
events such as Day of the Longboat, Storm the Wall and Triathlon/Duathlon.
Registration Deadlines for some of these events are on Sept 19th at 5pm, so don't
hesitate and get a team together before that. There are also various Skills Clinics
being held for each sport. If you are new to any of these sports, try and make it out
to these Clinics. If you don't know anyone who is forming a team come by Chem
B160 and look for me, I will try to place you on a suitable team.
I will be giving out Sports Rebates at the end of each sporting cycle.<rumor has it at
The only conditions that need to be met are: A) Your team does not default from
it's respective league. B) Your team is legitimately registered as Science Team (i.e.:
Max 2 imports). C) Hand in the Rebate form + Copy of Registration and Receipt
before the deadline.
I'm currently in the process of forming Div I and Div II Ice Hockey teams as well as
Volleyball and Soccer, if you are interested in joining any of these come by and sign
Oh , don't forget to join the Hockey Pool!
Henry Wong
Blah, blah, blah, blah You know what? I really don't know what there is to
say! Hopefully, you've enjoyed the first week of school as much as I have.
Being able to do something worthwhile during the day is surely a refreshing
break from the doldrums of summer, though I can't say that I didn't enjoy waking
up at noon everyday. Besides my rant on life, I would encourage more of you Science
students out there to check out the SUS, since we do have some of the nicest couches on campus, silverfish, lice and dandruff not withstanding.
The first AMS meeting of the year is happening tonight (Wednesday), and I'll be at
school till about 11 pm debating with those d@#! bigwigs about everything from the
meaning of life to the length of my dog's hair. For proceedings of the meeting, check
out my report next issue.
Keep an eye out for SUS events throughout the year, and if you see any of those
spiffy little blue SUS council agendas billowing in the wind, please catch it and read
it. I like to fool myself into thinking that people actually appreciate my handiwork.
Hill Ledwith	
External V.P. '
SPOOONNN!!! I'm Phil, I'm your External Vice (that title has some pretty interesting connotations, huh?) and if you've even remotely been paying attention
to what's going on around you this is all old news and you're already bored. So
let's have a wake up call...
If you join the Science Week Committee, you can get free stuff. In my locker right
now there are free japanimation videos (our research expert tells me that these
videos involve cartoons having sex, but I wouldn't know anything about that), free
passes, Mortal Combat T-shirts, SUS T-shirts, keychains, and this is just the leftover
stuff from last year. I also like to give away free pizza at Science Week meetings, times
for which I'll announce in the next 432.
What do you have to do to get the free stuff? Agree to help the roadies in January
and hear a free sound test by the band. Or plan the Chem magic show or the Physics
magic show and earn the eternal and timely gratitude of the prof whose course you
would otherwise be failing. Or help make T-shirts that don't look like the chintzy
crap that Arts puts out-and if there are photos on the shirt (which I'm really thinking of for this year) then you could be immortalized forever. Or just generally be my
slave and dogsbody and bask in the glory of the Faculty of Science. Remember, life
is just like a big tossed salad. But you don't eat it, no sir! You live it! isn't it great?
Check out my webpage at http://www.physics.ubc.ca/-ledwidth/ to get the latest
What do I have to say? Well, science council elections are coming up really
soon. Science council is your really big chance to get involved in politics,
beef up your resume, and meet lots oi: really swell people. All you have to
do is grab a nomination form from this issue of the 432, get 15 Science signatures
and drop it off in the SUS (CHEM B160) by September 26 @ 4:32. Next, show up at
the All-Candidates-Meetings which is right after the nominations deadline (see
above) and run an amazing an elections campaign. If you have any questions you
can ask me (John - not the beer guzzling former editor of the 432, but the other one)
in the SUS office or write me email at johnpf@unixg.ubc.ca. Just remember to never
surrender and drink plenty of coke Slurpees (these are crucial in running an quality
Edrick Yu __	
Public Relations
Well, another year, another start, whether you are a first-year student or not.
School has just started not too long ago, and already, I am completely tired
and exhausted because of so many school work and meetings.
Imagine UBC was absolutely great. I hope that all you first-year students out there
had a fantastic day, especially when you did not have to attend classes at all. Of
course, the First Year BBQ, courtesy of your great, great Science Undergraduate
Society, is nothing but great. Thanks to those who show up in our events, and I am
expecting to see you again in the future. My emaiil address <edrickyu@unixg.ubc.ca>
will always be present, and it is for you to talk to me (without offending me) or ask
questions. Please, no fooling around or you will be excellently executed.
Science Council elections are coming up. If you do not have your nomination form
signed yet, you should be doing that now, because the deadline is September 26th
(see John Fournier's article for more detail). If you do not have a form but you would
like to be involved, which I am sure you would, get one from your favourite SUS
Office. I hope to see all of you in the Science Council soon, and of course, at
Whistler in October.
The five-week Asia-Pacific Student Summit is also coming up, courtesy of the AMS.
Be sure to turn out for all the interesting events during those five long weeks, and
then get a glimpse of the world leaders immediately after the Summit, when the
AELM is coming to UBC.
Finally, a little bit of advice to the first-year students. First of all, going to university does not mean going into the big league where you have to perform well every
day. I know that most of you are used to getting good marks in high school, but
right here in university, you just cannot expect to do well all the time unless you are
a real genius. I learned that from experience last year. Secondly, if you get a prof
whom you think does not know how to teach (because you do not understand a single thing he/she says), then you should start reading the textbook, or else you can
be in trouble when the exams come. Last but not least, the SUS Office is a place
where you should be going every day, because we want to give you all the benefits
that you can get, such as... Well, I think that you can figure that out yourself.
scoop on science week, on the AMS, on the SUS, and on anything else that's school
like and you need information for. You can also mail me: my address is <led-
width@physics.ubc.ca>, and I love mail. Now fuck off and leave me to my homework.
- Though Science Week is a long way away, we've already started the little elves working.
As we speak, they are attempting to kidnap members of Kingston's finest band for Cold
Fusion, -ed
KDK1T ffiHfMS MMM msms (BS« IT
The 432 will give two free Oktoberfest tickets and one limited edition 432 t-shirt to the first person who con tell us
which artist sang 'Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows and
PS: We'll give seventy tickets, fourteen t-sbirts, and a key of beer to
anyone who shoots them. PAGE TWELVE
Beware the goose.
I've come to a conclusion: city people
have absolutely no clue how to
behave around animals. Five years of
painstaking research and study has left
me with this inescapable conclusion.
If you don't believe me, go downtown
and ask someone how they \.ould deal
with a bear attack. The most popular
answer is "I'd take aim and plug that
sucker right between the eyes with my
trusty .22." Where's the flaw in this wonderfully hic-ish answer? Bears have a
skull thicker than most reinforced steel
walls. Shoot them in the head with anything lower calibre than a small piece of
artillery and in very short time you'll be
getting an in depth definition of the
term "badly mauled."
Bears are not animals that are easily
slain with handguns. Trying to kill a
grizzly with a .22 calibre gun is akin to
taking on a small frigate with nothing
but a big pointy stick. In fact, bears are
one of the few species of animals whose
reaction to a gun wound is to simply get
So how do you survive a bear attack?
Well, usually you don't. The most common advice is to wave your arms while
slowly backing up. I think the idea
behind this is to convince the bear that
you are some sort of local flora.
Several solutions have been proposed
on the matter over time. Bear mace was
supposed to be an easy and effective
solution. The idea was to get really close
to the bear and then spray it in the eyes
with a very strong cousin of pepper
spray. This plan has a few major holes in
First off, getting with the recommended
10-12 feet of an angry bear is usually
kind of hazardous to your health.
Second, the canister carefully explains
that missing the bear's eyes will severely
reduce the effectiveness of the spray.
Bears have small eyes.
So bear spray is more than likely going
to just piss off the beast and expedite
your imminent disemboweling. What
about bear bombs?
The concept behind bear bombs is to
explode a quarter stick of dynamite near
the bear and scare it away. This sounds
more promising to the uninitiated. Once
again a few blatant problems spring
immediately to mind.
Quite a few bears in our wilderness have
had so many bear bombs exploded on or
near them that the common belief is
that they're quite deaf. One hapless soul
up north shot off a bear bomb at a poor
bear who was meandering through his
camp. The bomb landed a feet away and
dutifully began to burn its wick. The
bear shuffled over to the bomb, sniffed
it, and only looked mildly surprised
when it exploded on his nose.
Yet another fellow found himself staring down a grizzly during a midnight
trip to the outhouse. He pondered his
situation for a second and broke into a
full out sprint for the bear bomb he kept
in the cabin. The bear just watched him
run away with a bewildered look on its
He emerged a few seconds later with the
launcher clasped in shaking hands. He
aimed it directly at the bear and pulled
the trigger. The bomb soared towards,
and then over, the bear, landing about
ten feet behind the animal. It exploded a
short time later and had the desired
effect, launching the bear into a full
charge away from the noise. However, it
should be pointed out that since our
friend shot the bomb behind the bear,
he was now staring down 800 pounds of
muscle rushing directly at him at 35
He sprung inside the cabin, slammed
the door and hid under the bed for ten
hours. At least he didn't have to go to
the outhouse anymore.
The only effective solution I've found is
to carry a small poodle with you at all
times. When a bear wandered into my
neighborhood a few years back, the only
thing brave (or clueless) enough to challenge it was the Dombrowsky's 4 year
old poodle. Fluffy charged up the driveway and commenced biting the dum-
founded bear on the ankles. After discovering that the quick little ball of fluff
was impossible to massacre, the bear
quickly retreated into the woods in
search of something less annoying.
But let's face it, you're not likely to
bump into Smokey after getting out of
the 9:00 show downtown. You might,
however, come across a raccoon.
So how should you or your friends
behave around raccoons? The best
answer probably isn't the approach I saw
an idiot trying the other day on campus.
His approach was to attempt to pick it
up and pet it like a cat. While most people know that raccoons have black bands
on their tails and heads, eat with their
hands, and are truly happy only in a
dumpster full of last night's pizza, few
folks realize that they are quite temperamental and have big, sharp claws. Our
moronic friend very quickly came to the
conclusion that cuddling wild animals
isn't the best course of action. At least
the emergency room wasn't busy.
But the most dangerous animals of all
are geese. Bears and raccoons can't hold
a candle to the viscousness of geese.
Bears can turn you into beef jerky and
raccoons can leave scars but geese go for
the crotch. It's true, you piss them off
and they start snapping at genitalia.
Most city dwellers are blissfully unaware
of this and send their kids off to chase
the harmless geese around the waters of
Lost Lagoon.
Then Timmy comes back clutching his
crotch and crying something about the
"mean bird." It's not a pretty picture. If
you really piss them off, they try to draw
blood. I've actually seen a flock take
down a dog that was off its leash.
They're veritable land piranhas, those
So kept this in mind the next time
you're down by the park. And if you see
some other bloke taunting the birds,
shout out "They go for the crotch" and
watch him recoil. Spread the word.
Perhaps we can help stem the tide of
goose maimings.
-John is the founder and chairman of the
Victims of Goose Attacks group. Cash
donations are kindly accepted, as well as
protective gear of all kinds, -ed


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