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The 432 Mar 12, 2002

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12 March 2002
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'The law of evidence and the criminal procedure we have inherited is a stupid ass/
-Robert Mugabe (7982)
Zimbawean Elections Declared Farcical
Elections Commissioner formerly SUS elections Commissioner
Harare, Zimbawe (AP)
The irregularities that have plagued
the run-up to this past weekend's
election in Zimbawe have led many
to believe that a former Science Undergraduate Society elections administrator is
in charge.
"The amount of shit that is going on ... it
is just like SUS elections/' stated former
SUS President Keri Gammon. "I believe, as
do others, that Election Registrar, General
Tobaiwa Mudede, is none other than a former SUS elections administrator, possibly
Henry Wong or Jeff Steinbok."
While the idea seems a bit far-fetched, the
evidence is tantalizing.
1) Polling station locations and times were
shifted without apparent reason less than a
day before voting began resulting in much
confusion. Also, polling stations were difficult to find in some parts of the the country.
2) Apparently, even incumbent President
Robert Mugabe was left off the voter's list,
and had to try a second polling station in
order to find someone who was dumb
enough to let him vote.
3) Also, not all of the poll clerks had been
hired until mere hours before the polls
were set to open. There is no way that they
could have been adequetely trained.
All of this seems to point to a connection
between the SUS elections and those in
Zimbawe's election has demonstrated the
worst kind of political fighting. The opposition regularly accuses the government of
doing nasty stuff like deliberately frustrating the vote in regions supporting the
opposition, while the government regularly does nasty stuff like arresting the opposition party leader for threats caught on
video. While the arrests of opposition supporters and general death threats are not
normally seen in SUS elections because
few of the candidates wield that kind of
power, the attitudes behind them and subtler tactics are still present.
"Notice that incumbent Presidential candidate, Reka Sztopa, has no one running
against her in the upcoming SUS executive
election?" said Barney Glotz. "At least in
Zimbabwe, we hear about the terror tactics, but what happened to Ms. Sztopa's
opposition? They've been silenced, I tell
.propaganda miniiT
b;ton ... see - we can't get free
speech. Even our direct quotes are censored. No wonder they are able to suppress all resistance."
"It's just shameful," stated Zimbabwe's
Movement for Democratic Change (MDC)
leader Morgan Tsvangirai. "Our next dictator will be a democratically elected dictator, or if I lose, then 1 will be installed in a
violent and bloody coup. It is very unfortunate that SUS has no one left in a position to violently overthrow the ruling pres-
b y Jack McLaren a nd Pat Spacek
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> Razor?
First marketed as a cure for Alzheimer's, PoKtrioxolophene-12
triggered memories so intense they were indistmguishabk from original
experiences. It quickly became the drag of choice for the entire world...
though, in a sense, we were all addicted already.
ident. This sort of situation just isn't good
for democracy."
While the theory that General Tobaiwa
Mudede is a former SUS elections administrator is supported by the complete lack of
organization of Zimbabwe's election that
has caused line-ups at voting stations to be
as long as a 20 hour wait, one question
begs to be answered.
"If Zibabwe's elections were really being
run by a SUS elections administrator, how
come people are actually voting?" asks
skeptical political analyst, Ralph Halern. "I
just don't see it happening. I mean ... people actually caring about an election that is
being run by a SUS elections administrator? Give me break."
"I guess picking a dictator that wields the
power of life and death over you is just a
little more interesting than picking one
that wields the power of a free phone and
a five cent photocopier." suggested a random voter.
When asked which way he would vote,
the voter, Samuel Sicliri, said (on the condition of anonymity) "the question is: who
has the most guns? Who is most likely to
be in a position to accept the presidency? If
I've voted for the right guy, I'm on. easy
When asked if he didn't believe that the
vote was a secret ballot, the voter laughed
hysterically. Then the police came and beat
him and everyone else in line for loitering.
Naysayers, however, continue to point out
details like the lack of murders associated
with SUS elections as is the case with
Zibabwe's election.
"Just because no one's found the bodies
yet, doesn't mean they aren't there," retorts
Barney Glotz. "Student politics can be a
harsh mistress. Who knows who might go
too far."
"Would you like me to kill somebody?"
added Reka Sztopa with a bright, eager
smile. "Just say the word."
Voting in Zimbabwe was extended for an
unscheduled third day because there were
not enough polling stations to handle all of
the voters, not unlike SUS elections which
have, in the past, had to be totally re-run
due to massive irregularities. Many of the
polling stations did not actually reopen,
however. In particular, some of the rural
ones had already been taken down and
their ballot boxes had already been
returned to the capital for "counting."
With polling now closed and voters who
were still lined up waiting to vote dispersed by the police, observers will try to
see who can come up with the longest list
of irregularities while the ballot counters
decide who will win the election. One
thing is for sure, no matter who wins, the
loser will complain of massive unfairness,
demand recounts, and then attempt to violently overturn the results.
"Sounds like SUS." commented third year
Science student, Michael Groves.
War Kills People
Kandahar, Afghanistan (Reuters)
Tn a surprising announcement yester
day, Afghani officials made a shocking
announcement: war kills people. Overseas, people in the USA were shaken by the
"What, you mean that all that bombing is,
like, actually killing people? I, like, thought
it was one of those, you know, like Groundhog Day things. Or Canadian Bacon. Or Wag
the Dog. You know, like in Hollywood and
Washington and stuff, where the powerful
president guy realizes he sucks at the polls
and tries to get his numbers up. Maybe I
should start reading the newspaper articles
and not just the funnies," commented third
year Harvard Arts student Barry McBride.
"Wait a minute," stuttered a confused, but
quicker, Kristen Harvey, "if war can kill
Afghan civilians, then it might be a dangerous place for American troops, too."
"I never thought they should of let the
state of Afghanistan into the Union anyway ... huh... what do you mean not part
of America? ... such a place exists? Well, at
least I'm still able to bear concealed
Mike McQuack, a second year UBC Economics major, was quick to point out the
net advantages of war: "You have to look at
it from a bigger perspective. Granted, people are dying, but the all those people
would have contributed much less to the
Gross National Product of each country in
the war than is being made by increased
services in areas like security, weapons
manufacturing, and hate literature publishing houses. And most importantly, 1
don't have to listen to stupid court cases on
the radio - who cares if OJ. did it. I want
some good solid comedy, like that Office
Of Misinformation thing. Though I do hate
the long customs lineups. It's so hard to
sneak cheap cigarettes across the border
now, and I need a cig in my mouth to complement my trendy black overcoat."
When finally confronted with the matter,
U.S. president George Bush admitted that
he was aware of the possibility of people
dying, but he didn't really want to alarm
"There was always the faint chance that
no one would die ... I mean, no Americans, of course," stated Defense Secretary
Donald Rumsfeld. "We have to keep people believing in statistically insignificant
possibilities like that. Otherwise, lottery
revenues would go way down." Page Two
12 March 2002
Volume Fifteen
Issue Twelve
12 March 2002
Tr@inter change.ubc.ca
Albert Chen
Highland Flood
Miyako Hewett
Jo Krack (gimmekrack@hotmail.com)
Andy Martin
Paula Maylin
Kevin Nottle
Drawer Inhabitants
Tim Chan
Tommy Gerschman
Kristin Lyons
Brian Maclean
Kat Scotton
May Tee
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information (with 20-sided die)
Contact us at: the432@hotmail.com
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
The 432 is published fortnightly
from the pancreas of the Colonel
Klinck building. Please come help
us so that I don't have to be all
alone with all these scantily-clad
swimsuit models and buff firemen
late on Sunday nights. I cannot possibly satisfy them all. Won't you
please come help? Come to the
writer's meeting on Thursday. I
promise that you will see everyone
who is here tonight. You will see
every last swimsuit model and fireman. Please come. Pretty please?
Road Rantings
I have been doing a fair bit of driving in
this city as I have my car here for the
first time. I thought that I might begin
once again to rant in general about bad drivers, but there are bad drivers everywhere.
It is somewhat interesting to compare and
contrast the different habits that are the
most common in the different places where
I have driven, but I will spare you the
details. Instead, perhaps, I will mention
one all-to-common type of bad driver.
There are drivers that are unskilled, there
are drivers that don't pay attention (and it
has nothing to do with the cell phone; they
would be just as clueless without it), and
then there these, the ones that are reckless.
We have had a couple of the young ones
died recently when their cars went "out of
control," and a pedestrian was just killed
by another. This is not a new story. I seem
to recall ones very similar to this just about
every other week last year. These are the
people who give speed a bad name. It is
because of these people that you see all of
the "Speed Kills" slogans and the like. I do
not want to sound like too much of a cold
prick. Each case must be judged on its own
merits, but in general, these drivers are victims of their own stupidity. Unfortunately,
there are often others, bystanders, who are
victims of these people's stupidity. Speed
doesn't kill. I have driven the speeds that
are quoted in many of these reports. In
fact, I often think the speeds are quite low
at which to be getting yourself killed. The
trick is paying attention to the road, avoiding potholes and other obstacles, and slowing down for the damn corners. I think the
problem may be that kids always push a
little harder than their parents. Normally,
this is okay, but when the parents are
already pushing the corners to the limit is
when the kids go over the edge (no pun
intended). It seems to me that the average
B.C. driver is like this. I have done a fair bit
of highway mountain driving, and I feel
that I take the corners quite fast, but there
is always some B.C. driver riding my
bumper. An acquaintance, knowing my
heritage, mentioned to me that he hated
the Alberta drivers because they drive too
slow on the curves, but when the straightaway comes, they always speed up so that
you can't pass them. I freely admit that I
am that driver. Partly, I am just driving the
way that I feel is safe, but partly, I do it on
purpose. I figure that if you are going to
drive like a retard on the curves, I am
going to make you drive like a retard on
the straight also if you want to pass me. In
general, speed isn't reckless; it is just the
when's and where's that you use it.
I seem to have strayed a fair bit from the
point that I wanted to make, however. By
and large, B.C. drivers must do all right
because they aren't all dead yet. The people I was really going after are the truly
reckless ones. The ones that don't seem to
understand that decelerating from 60-0 in
0.2 seconds leaves a person dead. The ones
that don't realize one or two tonnes of steel
usually wins out over one hundred kilograms (or less) of flesh and bone. Two of
them just tried to kill me.
It is all right to pass on the right if there is
a lane available, and if the person that you
are passing is turning left. If the lane isn't
there, too damned bad; you have to wait. If
the person you are trying to pass isn't turning, what the hell are you smoking? I know
I made some comment on this last week
because the same thing happened to me,
but this time, two fucks tried to pass a line
of cars when the light turned green by zipping down the right hand side. No one was
turning left; there was no one in particular
to pass. There was no right hand lane
either. Somehow these people couldn't
wait, however. They needed to position
themselves three cars further up in line
travelling the same speed as they would
have been three cars back. Apparently,
accelerating towards a parked car with one
set of tires bouncing in the dirt beside the
road was worth that kind of position. The
first guy made it by. There wasn't a lot that
I could do that wouldn't have made the situation a lot more dangerous than it already
was. The second guy wound up beside me
as the point of no return with the parked
car came. I made prodigious use of my
horn to ensure that he wouldn't try to get
through anyway, and I managed to force
him to stay behind. I just hope that when
he kills himself, preferably sooner than
later, he drives over a cliff by himself, and
he doesn't take anyone else with him.
Unlike the six car pile-up that occurred the
day after I started writing this article.
Do some hardcore drugs for fun or something else that is far less dangerous to the
bystanding public, and in particular, far
less dangerous to me.
Chain Reaction Horoscope
Albert Chen
TYou will eat three bananas and leave 2 banana peels accidentally on the sidewalk, resulting someone taking a serious fall. (See Leo)
"V/* People around you will not be pleased after seeing you eat-
^J ing everything in sight. People will not have sex with you.
You will consult a friend in order to solve your problem.   (See
n After winning a bet, you will invent time machine, but when
you are about to use it a group a terrorists will try to hijack
you for radioactive material, leaving you unable to use your
invention. (See Pisces)
/<~^- You will be very interested in people's problems, especially
^—i-^your friends'. You will try to find good solutions for them,
seeing many specialists in order to get what you want. (See Virgo)
jT\ You will accidentally step on 2 large banana peels and fall
O/ flat on your back, resulting an extremely painful yet undeniably funny situation. All the coins in your pocket will fall out.
(See Aquarius)
VVU After much research, you will find out that potassium-rich
I ly diet is the way to go, and you will spread this "news" to
everyone that you know of. You will ignore the fact that overdosing in potassium is a dangerous thing, too, but you will be too stupid to care about it. (See Sagittarius)
A You will meet a gorgeous, hot human (yes, human) who
—— leaves you no choice but engaging in hot, steamy sex, only to
find out that the person is a hooker, a situation that leaves you no
choice but using the time machine down the street to change the
situation. (See Gemini)
Wl You will feel the urge to replace your old lingerie collection
111^ after seeing the amazing lingerie collection in that certain
store. However, your effort will be futile, as the certain someone
that you are trying to woo is very, very out of shape and you will
be very repulsed to anything else. (See Taurus)
"^ After feeling much better as the result of a potassium diet,
/^ your brain will go crazy and you will combine sex with
money making. You will be sleeping with a Libra and telling your
Capricorn friend how to make money. (See Capricorn)
V\    You will be convinced that selling banana is the way of the
JO future, as you will have your own boutique store, devoting
to various varieties of bananas. (See Aries)
•VW You will find a bunch of coins on the street for no particular
'VW reason. While you pick up the coins you will see two people engaging in hot, steamy sex in public. (See Libra)
\ f You will try to get more money by placing a big risky bet with
J \ Gemini so you can continue your post-secondary education,
but you will be shocked when you lose all your fortune. You will
now open an intimate-wear store. (See Scorpio)
http://draco.mit.edu/teddyborg/ 12 March 2002
Page Three
Sexual Continuum     Becoming Holey
Paula Maylin
Jo Krack
I know what you're going to say: "this
isn't another article about sex, is it, Jo?"
So I feel obliged to point out that I
never intended for all my articles to be
about sex — that's just how it's turned out
this year. Honest. Go and read some back
issues if you want proof that I've tackled
other topics. I've dealt with Who Wants To
Be A Millionaire, bad drivers, religious
fanatics, militant squirrels, chocolate, and
people who are decked out in clubber wear
even when it's 8 AM and they're sitting in
Buchanan. And I'm going to get back to
satire again next year, and leave this dating/mating game stuff to Cosmo and
Maxim. There. Now that I've said all that, I
don't feel so bad about the fact that this
article is, once again, about sex.
My columns so far have had a heterosexual bias, mostly because that's what my relationships have been and that's what I feel
qualified to write about. But now I want to
address an interesting topic, one I've heard
(and seen) pop up all over the place lately:
straight girls calling themselves bisexual
and making out with each other in front of
guys. Apparently, this is a major fantasy
request among straight guys: two stereo-
typically "femme" girls going at it, yet really preferring men. These men are lusting
for living paradoxes: lesbians who are not
really lesbians.
Furthermore, this girl-on-girl-for-the-ben-
efit-of-guy situation seems to have become
a dating strategy for heterosexual women
(you don't see two straight men kissing
each other in order to attract women, now
do you?). In clubs and bars, I sometimes
see two girls kissing each other, making a
huge porn-style production out of it and
driving the men around them crazy. Of
course, then the girls take their pick from
the male onlookers they've attracted:
they've already broken the ice. It seems to
send the message: "Look at me! I'm not
making out with a bunch of guys, so obviously I'm not a slut! Yet I'm still really sexual and uninhibited, since I just can't keep
my hands off this hot chick! You know I'd
be up for a threesome..." What straight guy
would ignore that kind of message?
Yet these gay-when-they-wanna-be gals
have raised issues about sexuality. Such as,
what happens to that girl they were so passionately kissing once a boyfriend/potential boyfriend comes into the picture? Are
these women really kissing each other
because they like it (in which case they
would do it in private too) or are they
using each other as bait? The kind of girls
that only make out with each other when
men are watching and who don't date
women (even if they may sleep with them
now and then) do not have to fear homophobia, gay-bashing, or coming out. On
the other hand, bisexual or lesbian women
in relationships with other women don't
have the luxury of being encouraged (by
straight men, no less!) to kiss their girlfriends in public; two women were beaten
up in downtown Vancouver because they
were holding hands.
This double standard for female-female
sexuality has annoyed/intrigued enough
people for debates to erupt in Buchanan
bathroom stall graffiti. I recorded the following statement from a stall in Buchanan
A: "When did it suddenly get trendy to be
bisexual?! It's making people not take us
seriously when we're for real!" This sentiment is echoed by a few other contributors,
one of whom encourages the original
author that "if you're 'for real' and not just
jumping on the bandwagon, people (the
ones that will 'matter') will recognize
that." This view can be summed up as frustration: lesbians and bisexuals have had to
fight to establish woman-woman relationships as healthy/natural/legitimate, and
now straight girls swoop in and use homosexuality as a fetishistic heterosexual flirting technique. That's gotta make you feel
Other responses are more negative, such
as the person who wrote "Bisexuality
merely represents societies need to indulge
oneself" (no comments on what the grammar in that sentence says about the
author). According to this view, being
straight is our duty (I don't know who this
duty is supposed to benefit), and being gay
or bisexual is giving into our selfish
appetites. I have always found this an
interesting argument, since the people I've
heard espousing it usually swear that
homosexuality is unnatural, yet if that
were true, there would be no need for people to repress their homosexual desires
(since they wouldn't have any).
Finally, there were numerous variants of
the "fuck and let fuck" philosophy, such as
the person who wrote "The open-minded-
ness of modern sexuality is wonderful.
Don't tell people to keep closing themselves off. Be thankful." This kind of statement often goes along with the "sexual
continuum" theory, in which sexuality
ranges from 99.9% heterosexual to 99.9%
homosexual, the point being that everyone
fits in somewhere but no one is 100% gay
or straight (interestingly enough, someone
did draw the continuum on the stall!). The
only thing wrong with this is politics: it's
still politically (and at times physically)
dangerous to be on the gay side of the continuum — perhaps this will continue to
change with time.
Well, that's as much as I've gathered from
reading bathroom stalls, observing
bar/club behaviour, reading Maxim/het
porn, and talking to friends who fall in at
different points along the sexual continuum. But I'm no sociologist. In fact, I'm
interested in hearing more stories from
women (OK, and men) who have been
thinking about this. Are you pissed off
with/turned on by/confused by straight
girls who make out with each other for
guys, or do you enjoy having the freedom
to make out with a hot girl and not have to
label yourself as bi/gay, or do you think
this means our society is going to Hell in a
hand basket, or do you not give a flying
Email me, gimmekrack@hotmail.com.
And hey, perhaps a little field research
would give me further insight... On the off
chance that anyone's interested, here's my
ad: "Cute SWF, 22, seeks cute SF, 18+, for
no-strings-attached sex. I'm STD-free and
open-minded, you must be too. Email me,
and let's make the most of our university
years!" Oh, and if you'd prefer a threesome
instead of a twosome, I'm sure I could convince my boyfriend to lend a hand., you
reading this, hon? Hehe. You think I'm kidding...
The editor's girlfriend says she is up for a
Holeyer Than Thou
"It's always a good thing when your girlfriend
decides to get more holes."
This is the reaction I got from my
boyfriend when I decided to get my
tongue pierced. I did it for me, NOT
for him, because I'm getting bored with my
life and I wanted something new to keep
things interesting. Sort of why I pierced
my navel about 4 months ago... I should
probably find a new way of doing this; otherwise I'm going to run out of parts of my
body that I'm willing to pierce. Maybe I'll
get that (those?) tattoos after all...
So why do we pierce weird parts of our
bodies anyway? And I'm not talking about
ears and navels; those are pretty standard
these days. I'm talking about the stuff
most sane people wouldn't consider having a spike of metal shoved through, like
tongues, lips (hell, the face period!), nipples, genitalia. For the most part, they're
not really attractive in the traditional sense;
anyone saying they're doing it because it
looks good is in denial, has a warped sense
of beauty, or both. You either do it because
you feel it enhances the persona you're trying to present to the world (for the most
part: someone not to be messed with,
someone who enjoys pain, that type of
thing), or because, like me, you're bored
and your want to try something different.
The only problem with that is after your
third body piercing, it's not really "different" anymore, it's normal. Sigh.
Of course, there will always be those who
are doing dumb shit simply to try to fit in.
This is the worst reason of all, it's worse
than peer pressure. No one is going to like
you rfiore because you were dumb enough
to get a hunk of metal sticking through
your body somewhere. They'll just think
you're as weird and outcast as they ever
thought, and maybe even more so for
doing something stupid to try to fit in. If
it's peer pressure, at least you've already
got the sense that the people pushing you
to do something are at least considering
letting you into the group if you do it.
As for me and my tongue, it was only a
week ago, but I'm eating most regular food
in an almost normal manner now. But it'll
be another 3 weeks before I'm allowed to
kiss my boyfriend properly (grumble)...
reminds me of when I got my wisdom
teeth out. Only the piercer's not allowed to
give me a prescription for T3's. More
grumbling. At least when I downsize, I'll
stop speaking like this: "thath's nawf air,
my thung'sth herthing like a bit-th." Only
2 more weeks for that... I realize that
there's a lot of waiting involved in piercing
weird parts of your body, and I'm not a
very patient person. As far as I'm concerned, as soon as the swelling goes down,
I should be able to downsize the damn bar
that's causing me to speak funny (nof - air,
nof - air!), especially since I have an oral
presentation to give just days before they'll
let me (grrrrr). If wishes were wings, pigs
would fly. Not that pigs are physically able
to look up and see the sky... who came up
with that dumb-ass saying anyway? I'll
talk about that another time...
(BioSoc (presents
(BioCogy graduation (Dinner and(Dance
(Pan (Pacific JfoteC, Embassador QeneraCs Suite
Saturday, JLpriC2 7, 2002
(Doors: 6:00pm  (Dinner 7:00pm
$40 for ah evening to remember, includes dinner,
dessert buffet, and dance
(RSVP: biosoc@sfmw.ca
432 writer's meeting
Thursday, March 14 at 4:32 pm
LSK 202B
All Welcome. Page Four
12 March 2002
Be All You're Told to Be   BC Liberals Turning
Kevin Nottle
Everyone is complaining about the
proposed tuition increases that the
University administration will be
proposing to BoG in a couple of weeks. The
AMS says it puts too great a financial hardship on students. The GSS questions the
whole "Peer Institution" thing. And the student on the street doesn't want to have to
work a few extra weeks during the summer to make up the shortfall.
Various suggestions have been thrown
out by the creators of the tuition increase as
to how students can cope with the higher
fees. They include more bursaries, and
holding off on fee increases for current students in some programs.
I have another solution. Join up. The
Canadian Armed Forces is always looking
for more cannon fodd, I mean more
upstanding young people, and they'll pay
for your education.
No more bitching about high tuition fees,
you're not paying them. BoG could triple
the fees in one month, and you wouldn't
care, cause Art Eggleton is footing the bill.
Differential tuition comes in? Go for the
most expensive program, and send the bill
to the Department of Defence. Annoyed at
the ridiculous price of textbooks? Put on a
uniform and have the Canadian taxpayer
foot the bill.
It's the perfect scam, except for one little
detail. As Heinlein was wont to say, "There
ain't no such thing as a free lunch." And
double negatives aside, that statement is as
true now as it was then. Here the cost of
your "free" tuition is a few years in uniform
running around shooting at people.
Assuming of course you survive your 8
weeks of basic in Quebec.
(Quebec? Why do they send you that far
away to learn how to run around and
shoot things? There's a perfectly good
army base just the other side of the Rockies
in Edmonton with plenty of sergeants just
dying for the chance to humiliate some little snot who thinks he has what it takes to
wear the Queen's uniform. Hell there used
to be a base in Chilliwack that could handle that sort of little stuff. Damn Liberals
and their West hating, Quebec loving
patronage gorged corrupt regime.)
Now before the 11th of September this
would have seemed a fairly small price.
After all, Canada only sends out a few
troops a year on peacekeeping missions.
There your biggest danger was not driving
off the road into a minefield when the local
warlords hired goons get bored and use
your jeep as target practice. Plus, you'd be
an officer, you could send out some poor
dumbass private who didn't finish high
school to get shot at, while you stay snug in
your bunker and give orders. Who cared if
the equipment was crap, and you couldn't
speak the language of the peacekeepers in
the next sector over. You weren't going to
do any real fighting, so you didn't need to
be a real soldier.
Now, with the whole war on terrorism,
and the US's proposed Homelar\d Defence
command, things are just a bit scarier. But
that just means they'll need more people in
uniform, and will be less discriminating,
which means even Artsies could get in.
So if you're really that incensed about having to pay more tuition, don't. Just sell
your body to the government and start
shooting whoever Chretien tells you to.
Otherwise just suck it up, and shut it up.
Clock Back 40 Years
Highland Flood
Freelance Reporter
Campbell privatizes electricity, ferries, buses; lashes out at "socialist" policies of W.A.C. Bennett
The BC Liberals have never played
down the fact that they want to undo
just about everything the NDP did in
its ten years in power. But it was clear from
their election platform that they have even
more radical changes in mind.
Just how radical?
They gave a clue several weeks ago after
passing laws that struck out provisions in
public sector collective agreements. The
oldest provision to be done away with was
from 1969, three years before the first NDP
government came to power.
Now, BC premier Gordon Campbell and
his government have confirmed the speculation: They plan to return British Columbia to the 1950s.
The announcement was made at a news
conference where the province announced
the privatization of several Crown corporations, as part of a new piece of legislation
called the Back to the Future Act.
The first privatization announced was of
BC Hydro and BC Transit, which are to be
amalgamated into a single private company. The Hydro move was expected by
SUS wants to see everyone wearing great Science gear! Head on over to SUS (LSK 202)
to check out the gear in person, and you can buy either from an exec, in SUS or
by e-mailing Alan at cptalatv-shaw.ca to arrange a meeting.
$15 r ^^^~'" ^\ CoffeeMug-$12
Although coffee mugs
What better way
to keep your head
warm than the
Science Toque?
Embroidered with
the Science Star,
this toque is
excellent for
keeping the cold
out, and those
formulae in!
T-Shirt- $12
Makes a great gift
for the parents, as
a 'thank you' gift
for all that bzzr
money you got over
Christmas. Also,
this 100c!o cotton
shirt is ideal for the
reading week trip
to Mexico!
\ ■•
are typically for the
artisies, this double-
walled stainless steel
mug is for the
occasional caffeine
high that we need to
make it through that
Organic midterm.
Spill-proof lid ensures
that your jittery hands
won't spill coffee all
over yourTA.
Lung Sleeve Shirt
Most colourful ever!
All blue long sleeve
cotton shirts, with the
Science logo across
the front. You've seen
people wearing them
for Science Week, now
buy your very own!
many, but selling off bus systems around
the province took most observers by surprise.
Finance Minister Gary Collins explained it
this way: "Up until forty years ago, the
province's electricity and transit systems
were run by a company called BC Electric.
Then W.A.C. Bennett turned BC Electric
into a provincially run company.
"A lot of people hold up W.A.C. Bennett as
a defender of free enterprise and competition," Collins went on to say. "But let's face
it, he went a little soft as he got older. He
ended up turning into the worst socialist
outside of China or the Soviet Union."
Public transit advocacy groups like Better
Environmentally Sound Transportation
and the Bus Riders' Union denounced the
privatization of transit, claiming that it will
lead to a further decline in the quality of
service. In fact, the service cuts have
already begun, with the province turning
the SeaBus into an artificial reef and ripping up the Sky Train line on the grounds
that they are both "too modern".
Transportation Minister Judith Reid
responded to the groups' criticism by
pointing out that transit users are not the
only group who will be affected by the
reversal of the last forty years of government megaprojects. The Alex Fraser Bridge
will be dynamited, she said, and the
George Massey Tunnel filled with concrete.
Reid added that her ministry is "reconsidering" an initial decision to tear down the
Second Narrows Bridge as well, after
learning that it was completed in 1958. "We
may have been too hasty there," she admitted.
Campbell fielded questions from
reporters after remarking that the new
headquarters of BC Electric will be its old
headquarters, the "Electra" office tower in
^Vancouver. "Didn't someone turn that into
a condo complex?" one reporter asked.
"That's correct," Campbell replied.
"What will happen to the people living
there now?"
"As I've said before," Campbell reiterated,
"BC needs sweeping changes to put its fiscal house in order. And there's no question,
there's going to be some pain and dislocation."
"You don't mean you're going to throw
the current residents out onto the street?"
Campbell repeated his previous answer
verbatim, and repeated it several more
times, before someone gave him a sharp
kick and he came unstuck.
Also to be privatized is BC Ferries. "In
1960," Collins explained, "before the
province took over all ferry service, there
were several privately run companies,
most of whom were in the process of going
bankrupt. We feel the private sector is better at providing this kind of service than
government is."
Education Minister Christy Clark was at
the press conference with her young son
Hamish, and she put the government's latest move in more positive terms.
"Look, we all want a better future for our
children," said Clark. "We can do that by
returning BC to a time before all this
heavy-handed government intervention in
our lives began in earnest. A happier time.
A simpler time. And that time was the
When a reporter pointed out to Clark that
she wasn't born until the 1960s, she could
be seen hurrying over to consult with the
premier. 12 March 2002
Page Five
2002 Executive Elections
Reka Sztopa, Incumbent
Hi, this is Reka, and I am running to be your President for the 2002-2003 year. I was Internal VP for two years on SUS and President last year. I am really excited about the opportunity to be your President for one more year. If you have any questions or comments,
now or throughout the year, please fell free to contact me at rsztopa@interchange.ubc.ca.
Don't forget to bring your student card to vote.
Internal Vice President
Brian Maclean, Incumbent
Hi, I'm re-running for SUS VP Internal. An important role of the
VP Internal is investigating and advocating on academic issues. In
addition to having been SUS VP Internal, I have also served as a
UBC Student Senator, and as Vice-Chair of the AMS University
Commission. All of the above cover academic issues. I am looking forward to next year and I see some great opportunities. I
would like to get more Science exams on the on-line exam database. I would also like to advocate to ensure UBC has a plan in
place for blackouts during exams. I would like to expand the First
Year Committee and get SUS even more involved in Imagine.
1'inally, I would like to set up an interactive science Forum web
page to get student views on tuition raises, lab conditions, class
sizes, professors, etc. Please help re-elect me for SUS VP Internal.
4i«W t'   '*..
Annes Song
flnnea (Hee-Yun) 5nng
For VP Internal
It's   an  Instinct
"Do you know what makes
me different from Brian??
I make this look GOOD."
External Vice President	
May Tee
SCIENCE: THE SPICE OF LIFE? Of course ©! That's why I enjoy volunteering and helping students of the finest faculty at UBC-the faculty of science.
I'm running for VP External and if elected, I will voice your ideas and concerns at SUS
and AMS meetings and ensure that they are heard and addressed. I've got lots of experience to do this job (I've helped organize Science Week the past couple of years, and I
held a seat on AMS Council this term, too). Science Week is my favorite week of the year,
and 1 hope to make it one awesome week again next year.
Vote early, vote often, and vote May Tee as your VP External. Go Science!!!
Dan Yokom
No Joke em
Vote for me for External cause
SUS Councillor (1st Year Rep)
Social, Code & Policy, Pub,
Academic, Budget Committees
Oh, I got leadership, baby
Dan Yokom
Real Reasons:
-Alternating colour scheme
displays obvious wit
-Sex appeal shatters stereotype
that science students are nerds
-You're welcome to holla at me
or call me jigga if you SO desire
Director of Finance
Alan Warkentin
Director of Publications
Benjamin Warrington, Incompetent
Ah damn, no one ran against me. I guess that unless you all vote "no," I am going to have
to do this again next year. What a pain in the ass.
The elections guidelines specifically say that I am not allowed to mention the elections
in this paper, but that doesn't apply to these little elections blurbs. I could say whatever I
want in here without getting in trouble. I can say things like these elections are an incredible load of horrible crap. Vote for me, or not. I don't much care. But for god's sake don't
vote for
word limit reached
Executive Secretary
Dan Anderson
My name is Dan Anderson, and I'm running for Secretary. I'm extremely qualified
for this job: I have been on Science council for three years, I was house vice-prez
in my residence this year, I was a 432 editor for more than half of this year, I ran
with the critically acclaimed Radical Beer Faction (RBF) this year, I play varsity and intra-
murals-level sports, I am NOT the Black Hand leader, I hold the official title of Fiend of
SUS, and a whole bunch of other shwack. Anyways, long story short, vote for experience:
vote Dan. Or you could play with monkeys and fruit flies all day and not bother voting -
that's what I'll be doing.
Andres Ruberg
I'm a first year student planning to enter the honours physics program next year. This year I've been actively involved with the SUS
First Year Committee and have served as secretary and facilitator at
a number of meetings. I was involved in organizing a first year
dance and also with Science Week, attending meetings and setting
up for the Science Olympics. In my residence I enthusiastically
participate in a number of activities. For instance, I am the captain
of an intramural ultimate Frisbee team and will be playing violin
for the upcoming Place Vanier production, "Fiddler on the Roof".
Public Relations Officer
Serena Siow
Public Relations Officer
With Serena as your PRO, the IMpossible
problem becomes the I'M possible problem.
Achieving the imnossible is onlv an anostronhe awav!
Sameer Wahid
Many of you probably know me already, as I was the SUS Room Manager and a SUS
councillor for a couple of years. For those of you that don't, I am a chemistry major, graduating next year. I've been involved with SUS for over three years, and have the experience needed to be an executive. Major tasks I will tackle as PRO include informing students about employment opportunities, and working with Grad Class Council. I have a
strong interest in both and know that I'll do a great job. Make sure you vote Sameer
Wahid for PRO!
Director of Sports
Kristin Lyons, Incumbent
As Director of Sports this year, I put sign up sheets in SUS for science students without
a team to play on, I bought our science mascot, and I had booths outside the SUB to
advertise second term sports leagues and Storm the Wall. I also gave out over four thousand dollars in sports rebates to science teams last term and will be doing the same for
second term. In addition to doing the above next year, I also plan to form an award for
ihe science club that participates the most in intramural sports. Such an award will
encourage science students to involve themselves in intramurals all the more!
Hedy Lam
Why? You might ask, well let me tell you! I am going to make sure that all teams get a
max. rebate $$$, set up a mailing list to keep everyone updated, make sure that Science is
represented at each level! last but not least, PULEASE just vote for me!!!
Social Coordinator
Katharine Scotton, Incumbent
I'm currently the Social Coordinator for the Science Undergraduate Society, and this is
my second year as SoCo. I'm now running for my third year in a row for this position. I
think I can firmly say that I know the job.
I encourage everyone to go out and vote, even if you don't know any of the people running. Read the candidates' write-ups and their posters. We want next year to be the best
year in SUS history, so vote wisely. Have a great end of term, and come out and vote!
Lana Rupp
Polling will occur March 20-22
Polling stations will be located in
the SUB and they will rotate
amongst various science buildings
Bring your student card to vote Page Six
12 March 2002
Opposing Force
HeisenbergV Uncertainty Principle:
(If you know precisely where something is
you cannot know precisely how fast it is
going, and vice versa.)
If you're dreaming of doing things the
'trouble and strife' doesn't enjoy, all you
need to do is tell him or her "this is exactly
ten thrusts per second" and (s)he won't be
able to know where you're putting it.
Whatever 'it' is. I don't even want to know
why you buy more katsup per annum than
Special Relativity:
(Time dilation states that as the observer
goes faster outside time appears to slow
The harder and faster you go, the more
when it's all over you have no idea where
the time (external to the sex) went.
(Spacial dilation states when an object
goes faster, the object becomes smaller relative to an outside observer.)
If there's a male involved, and the male
speeds up a lot, odds are the guy is going
to come and then shrink. Sorry, that's the
way life is.
Newtonian Gravity:
(Mass attracts mass.)
I'll pass on the overweight people jokes
here. Besides, the law of gravity doesn't
provide a clause for mass attracting smaller masses after application of liquid ether
in controlled experiments in the Pit laboratory.
(granted, not physics, but still a valid scientific theory: Over time things become
better suited to their environments.)
Damn straight they do. After a couple of
hours of going at it in the forest, one tends
to master (or at least remember) the tech-
The Sex of Physics
niques of holding onto trees, digging one's
heels in, and picking a spot with no sharp
bumps or snakes to start off with. Urm, so
I hear.
Bernoulli's Theory
(When you have two fluids, connected by
an opening, and one has a strong speed,
the unmoving fluid feels a pressure pulling
it out into the fast moving fluid.)
When all the people in your place of living
are getting drunk and running around
naked outside your room screaming, while
you sit studying for your exam the next
day, you really feel pressure to get naked
and run around, too. This may or may not
have a net effect on your future in politics,
depending on whether or not anyone has a
polaroid camera handy.
The strong and weak electromagnetic
(In small conditions (ie, an atom) the
strong em force wins out, but in large scale
ones the weak one is more powerful.)
With respect to love and sex, in the short
term the strong feelings win out ("I want to
fuck him/her" or "that's sooooo adorable")
but in the larger scheme of things they
don't matter compared to the little things
("I'm horny, but (s)he is too annoying to
make the relationship worthwhile" or "the
first 50 times that was cute. The last 950
times I've felt like committing murder.
Why, oh why, did I date a Hello Kitty
Basic math:
(A strong attractive force takes several
weaker ones to cancel it out.)
One hot bar star girl at the pit gets free
drinks from at least 5 lonely guys before
getting drunk enough to finally end the
night passed out in a puddle of her own
vomit in a bush outside chemistry. Sadly,
she rarely cancels herself out in the mafia's
interpretation of the phrase.
Also interpretable as "one well-built bird-
coop regular requires several wargamers
to ask him to kindly move his bag from
their gaming table before he'll grace them
with a 'fuck off."
Kinetic energy equals total energy
minus potential energy:
(However much energy you've got, it's all
either used in moving or stored)
Males: You only have so much energy. You
can't watch the game, drink a brew, and
make him/her have the come of his/her life
all at the same time.
Females: If your lover makes the earth
move, and you're wondering why the
paintings didn't fall off the walls at all in
the last few hours, any energy left is going
to be reserved for the essentials (breathing,
heartbeat, and dirty talking) rather than
making breakfast or dinner. There's only so
much one can do without running out of
blood sugar.
Conservation of energy:
(The total energy in a closed system
remains the same.)
One expends calories while having sex
(and during foreplay). These calories must
be replaced from outside the system (in
this case, the human body) or eventually
the system will run out of potential energy,
since it's all been converted to kinetic and
heat energy, and new energy can't magically appear. The best ways to replenish this
energy seem to involve chocolate body
paint and strawberries, though careful
studies have shown that limited use of carrots and cucumbers can also cause excited
states, sometimes causing a jump.
Properties of waves (in strings and
(If energy is put in at the appropriate regular intervals constructive or destructive
interference can occur. Basically, at the
right frequencies, there will be points on
the oscillating medium that will not move
at all, and points that will move roughly
twice as much.)
This is bedphysics at it's prime: you hit the
wrong rhythm, and suddenly nothing's
really happening - the springs are dampening your efforts just wrong. Pick up or
drop the pace a bit, and suddenly the elas
tic collisions of two distinctly non-mattresslike bodies have got much more kinetic energy, and the neighbours are pounding on the walls yelling that they have
work the next day, and hey, what the hell
are you doing with all that banging and a
neighing animal at 5am anyways. You all
know what I'm talking about.
Basic fluid dynamics:
(The more dense the fluid, the more force
friction will apply.)
You fuck faster in air then you do in water.
Plus water gets into all kinds of places it
shouldn't, but that's an entirely different
problem. One that suction pumps won't
(A body in motion stays in motion unless
an opposing force is applied.)
When you're running from the security
guards that caught you going at it in the
elevator, you sure as hell keep going unless
you see more of them in your path.
Another aspect of Relativity:
(Nothing can move faster than light.)
When you snap the picture, she's not
going to have time to suck in her gut, and
he's not going to have time to flex. The
light just bounces off them and onto the
film in less than a microsecond. So it's not
your fault the pictures didn't turn out better, really. Please put down the baseball
bat; I promise to destroy the negatives. I
mean it this time.
Well, that about wraps it up. I'm sorry for
all the laws and approximations of physics
that I described poorly and then mangled
worse than a Totem resident's idea of Second Virginity. At least the next time you're
reading the thick physics text you've been
ignoring all term you'll have a reason to
smile. Possibly because you're thinking
about burning said book, or possibly
because you're thinking about what would
happen if you got that federal grant to
study pulsing wavespeeds in fleshlike
University of
British Columbia
Alternative & Integrative Medical Society
3rd Annual Conference
Saturday, March 16th, 2002
Practical Applications of Integrative,
Complementary & Alternative Medicine
Plenary Sessions
Overview of integrative/altemative medicine
Evidence For & Against • The Future of the Industry
Breakout sessions
Vaccination, Debate • Traditional Chinese Medicine
Women's Health * Allergies • Herbs • Yoga/Meditation
Mind/Body « MO Issues • Naturopathy • Holistic Dentistry
Keynote Speaker
Raffaele Filice, MD
Graduate of Andrew Weil's
Fellowship in Integrative Medicine
Details & Registration
(or visit our office B80A
Woodward Basement)
AIMS members:   $10 students ($35 non-students)
non-members:    $ 15 students ($45 non-students)
Cost includes continental breakfast, snacks, lunch and syllabus.
Lotus Light Charity Society
Eyeglass Campaign
For Immediate Release
Lotus Light Charity Society's Millennium Plan:
20,000 Pairs of Eyeglasses to the Third World!
Year 2002 Gift of Sight Eyeglass Campaign
The head branch of the Lotus Light Charity Society, located in Vancouver, British Columbia, is hoping
to collect over 20,000 pairs of med eyeglasses (of any type) from February 12 to August 12, 2002 in
their "Year 2002 Gift of Sight Eyeglass1 Campaign''. These eyeglasses will be cleaned and restored and
then distributed to the poor and impoverished of Third World countries like Nepal, Kenya, and
countries in Western Africa and South America, through the international charitable organization
Operation Eyesight Universal.
During last year's campaign, the Lotus Light Charity Society collected over 22,000 pairs of eyeglasses,
exceeding over twice the amount targeted! Once again, the Lotus Light Charity Society will be placing
collection boxes at various locations throughout the Lower Mainland. Individuals with extra or
discarded glasses or sunglasses of any type or in any condition are invited to drop them off at any of
these locations. Stores and public facilities willing to place collection boxes in their premises are
greatly appreciated and needed.
The Lotus Light Charity Society is an international charitable organization with over 100 chapters
throughout the world. In addition to working in international charitable causes, the Vancouver head
chapter of the Lotus Light Charity Society has also been active in local causes and projects. Last year,
for example, the Charity has donated over 7,000 items of winter garments (socks, gloves, toques, and
scarves) to the Lower Mainland's homeless in its annual "Winter Charity Drive" campaign.
Organizations like the BC Cancer Society, BC Children's Hospital, BC Heart Foundation, BC
Paraplegic Association, Canadian Diabetes Association, Canadian National Institute for the Blind,
Carnegie Community Centre, The Food Bank, and The Vancouver Police Union Foundation are some
of the hundreds of organizations the Lotus Light Charity Society has assisted in the past.
By supporting the 2002 Gift of Sight campaign with your gesture of caring and sharing, you will not
only benefit our less fortunate neighbours in the Third World with the important gift of sight but also
help bring our world closer together.
If you are interested in helping or donating in this campaign, you are invited to call our campaign
hotline at (604) 692-6100 or fax us at (604) 685-5598. Our address is #200 - 357 East Hastings Street,
Vancouver, B.C.V6A1P3. 12 March 2002
Page Seven
Drawers of SUS
Public Relations
Tommy Gerschman
Well everyone, not sure if this will
be my ultimate or penultimate
report. So to sum up this year I'd
like to start off with the charity events that
we had this year. First of all, our donations
all went to the Canadian Gene Cure Foundation. Our premiere fundraisers were two
events that brought smiles to many a faces.
In first term, Kiss-the-Pig, and then in second term the Jello Wrestling Contest.
Thanks to all those that helped out. We
raised well over $1000! The open house we
had at our new SUS location went nicely.
I've never seen so many donuts being
eaten so quickly and coffee is coffee no
matter if it is instant or drip! The main
career event of the year, Science Career
Expo, was a success. With 16 solid speakers
and plenty of students who came out, we
are sure that we had some impact. Finally,
the Graduation activities of the year have
occurred with not too much fanfare. Class
Act was a success. Again thanks to all those
who volunteered and donated! Still waiting to hear about Grad Class Council...
Now go out and VOTE!
May Tee
Since this is probably the last executive
report as Director of Finance that I
will be giving, I'll have to get a bit
sappy on all of you. First of all, I would
really like to say thank you to everyone
that participated in Budget Committee-
there were a lot of long and sometimes difficult meetings that everyone seemed to
handle gracefully. As Director of Finance,
I didn't just manage the Society's finances,
although that did take a large part of my
time. 1 also had the opportunity to work
with all 18 clubs in SUS to provide services
to Science students through SUS Club and
Conference grants, and I'd have to say that
working with these clubs was the best part
of my job. Anyway, SUS Club Grants Part II
is done and over with—we just need the
rubber stamp approval of SUS Council.
Grad fee rebates still have not arrived (all
clubs that represent Science department(s)     ^^I"%CI"t"/"ir
have been warned of this) so it may be the    ^v^.1 iClLvyl
case that the incoming Director of Finance
will have to deal with this issue.
Kristin Lyons
Hey Everyone, Ahhh, the second last
paper of the year, a sign we're
almost done. Another sign we're
almost done is the upcoming STORM THE
WALL! The registration deadline is
Wednesday March 13 at 5pm in the SRC.
Sign up your science teams. Storm is the
most fun event of the year, and science
needs all the teams it can get so that we can
hold on to our current first place in sports
points. New to Storm the Wall this year is
STORM CAGE! The deadline for this is
also on March 13 at 5pm. This event is a
takeoff on Survivor. It will last from Tuesday March 19 at 11am to Thursday March
21 at 12pm. Sixteen people will be put in a
cage and one person will get voted off
every 3 hours. People will get bathroom
passes and food, but only one luxury item
is allowed (ie. if you bring a toothbrush, no
toothpaste). Come out and watch our sixteen survivors battle it out the week of
storm the wall!
My last important issue involves sports
rebates. Yes, science does give out partial
rebates to science teams. To get these
rebates, hand in your receipt, your team
roster, and the name, phone number and
email address of the person who the rebate
is to be written to into my box in SUS
(Klinck 202). The deadline for rebates in
Friday March 15 at 12pm with NO EXCEPTIONS! The money will be ready to pick
up in the SUB business office during the
last week of classes.
Sign up for Storm, hand in your rebates,
get money back. It's as easy as that!
Tim Chan
Thanks again to everyone that helped balance this year's budget (it's ontrack so far)
and to all the Budget Committee members
that made my experience as Director of
Finance so enjoyable. Good luck on your
finals, and happy spending :)
Kat Scotton
Hello readers, the last SUS event of
the year is upon us! Celebrate St.
Patrick's Day at our annual St. Pat's
Bzzr Garden. Friday, March 15th, from 4-8
pm in the SUB Partyroom and Courtyard.
We will have GREEN BZZR and GREEN
JELLO SH**TERS! Cider will be available,
too. The first 100 people that show up
wearing GREEN get a prize!
Our Annual General Meeting will be the
day before (March 14th) from 1-2 pm in
SUB Council Chambers (Rm. 206) and all
are welcome to attend. We will have food
and bevies, and year end reports! See you
Friday, March 15
at Noon
Please place completed rebate
forms in Kristin's box in SUS (LSK
202) before that time.
If you have any questions, please
e-mail kristinJyons@hotmail.com.
Hey everybody. Hope the term is
progressing well. Finally, we're
headed for the home stretch, and if
you're a graduating student like me, I hope
you'll take this time to make sure you get
in all that you've been putting off since
your first year. Ie. pass Math 101. Math
rules. Anyway, Research Awareness week
is this week (I think) and there will be an
Undergraduate Research Showcase in
Wood 2 on Mar 11 and 12. It's a great
chance to out about some of the great work
that students at UBC do and learn more
about how you can get involved. I will be
there presenting my research on Final
Exam Scheduling (cheap plug). So if
you've ever had a bad exam schedule...I
swear, it wasn't my fault. Hope to see you
at the Research Showcase. And good luck
with your remaining midterms.
VP Internal
Brian Maclean
Hi. I hope everyone is excited about
the SUS elections; they are being
held on March 20th-22nd. There
are a lot of good people running so please
come out and vote.
The First Year Committee is holding a 30
hour famine for Worldvision, on March
23rd & 24th in the SUB. To get a sponsorship form, please come to an FYC meeting
at 5:15 pm in LSK room 202 or contact me
at brianmac@interchange.ubc.ca.
Nomination forms for the SUS Leadership
Awards are available in LSK 202.
The Academic Committee has submitted a
list of concerns and proposals for the university's response to future power outages
and other such crises during exams.
The SUS Annual General Meeting will be
held this Thursday, March 14th, from 1:00
pm to 2:00 pm in room 206 of the Student
Union Building. I hope to see a good
turnout. Come find out what SUS has been
up to this year.
Annual General
Thursday. March 14 at 1pm
SUB SOB {Council ChambersJ
Food Provided
SUS Leadership Awarde
Nomination forms for the SUS Leadership
Awards are available in LSK 202.
To be eligible, nominees must be
:urrent science students not serving on SUS Council.
For more information, contact Brian at
brianmac@interchange. ubc. ca.
The deadline for nominations is March 22nd.
Holy Flarking Schnick!
The SUS Pop Machine is
Actually Working!
$0.75 Pop!
Barq* ,s--*-v'
Canada Dry
Five Alive
and coming soon , . . Dr. Pepper Page Eight
12 March 2002
■hy-frs Andy Martin
While my last TAing assignment
was merely pleasant test marking, this term, I've been relegated
to TAing a first year, intro biology lab.
Action! Adventure! Irritation!
It can be yours!
It's not that bad. All the thinking is delegated to the guy who has the Teacher's Edition of the lab manual. I just back him up.
Basically, I make sure the students don't set
themselves on fire. Seems I'm pretty bad at
Now, unlike Ms. Rupp's rumoured fascination with this breed, I have quite the
aversion to frosh, to the point where I start
cringing at the mere sight of them. This
distaste has been strongly reinforced by
actually having to work with them. And
the only thing sexual about them that I'm
interested in is knowing whether they
pupate or are just produced by asexual fission or something.
But, they have two things that are very
endearing about them: 1. Cuteness 2. Gullibility.
Yes, frosh are quite cute. It's mostly due to
the fact that they haven't been weathered
by the passage of time and the unpassage
of courses. They still have an innocent
sparkle to them that is impossible to reproduce. Most are learning for the love of
improving themselves or getting that
dream job. Those of us that have lost our
illusions are just going through the
motions for reasons we can't comprehend.
We know that the light at the end of the
tunnel is to 1PM Express. But for reasons
beyond us, we run towards it because we
just can't wait to see what colour it is.
As cute as they are, as their TA, I, of
course/can't touch any of them. Too bad,
because I've love to wallop the snotty ones.
But, while I can't take door number 1, I
can amuse myself with door number 2 to
no end.
Now, this is mean. Once upon a time, we
were all frosh. And a'note-worthy portion
of frosh do have their wits about them. But
they don't produce as much fun as the rest
do. Level-headedness is a one-trick pony.
The cream of the crop is no place to look
for amusing misadventures, but the cattle
feed of the gene pool provides a healthy
supply of amusing anecdotes.
The term started slow. I endured a few
weeks of 'plants are boring' whining, until
we finally started in on animals, starting
low on the food chain. We were dissecting
preserved clams in a recent lab when all
patience was lost.
One frosh, upset with the quality control
on the specimen he was hacking to pieces,
began complaining.
"Why can't we use live clams for dissection?"
The scant remains of my good nature had
taken their fill.
"Because live ones would scream if you
cut them."
"Oh my God! Really!?"
"Yup, and I've gotta take those live ones
on display and put them in the microwave
to get them to open. Even with the
earplugs, the screaming gives me a
They were understandably horrified.
Well, not 'understandably', as only the
fuckingest of morons would ever think
that a clam could scream. Yet, a good half
of the class was near tears by the time I
broke to them what any non-filter feeder
has figured out.
However, some frosh just don't know
when a stupidity has gone too far. One
week later, I was checking the same table
and I again had a bad allergic reaction to
"We're not going to be dissecting anything
any more...you know..."
"Well, there's the fetal pig and...[evil mental gears whirring quickly]...the last lab is
a special baby seal dissection."
"Oh my God. No!"
"Yup. We wheel them in here. You choose
which one, club it, and cut it up."
"You're kidding, right?"
That little angel on my shoulder doesn't
like to wake up before noon. And he doesn't like to be up past noon for that matter. I
think he has a drug problem or something.
A cry for attention.
Of course, the head TA isn't much better,
though he's less malicious. He has a bad
habit of inflating his latex gloves, putting
them under intense pressure, and popping
them without warning.
Some people were just not cut out to be
biologists. I await a single lab when I don't
get a chorus of 'Eeeeew.' and get some hysterical frosh that need to be assured that
indeed, if it's been sitting in formaldehyde
for five years, it's really quite dead and
won't hurt them. Two weeks ago, it was jellyfish, last week it was the fetal pig, and
this week was an enzyme lab where the
students had to spit in a test tube to test the
enzymatics of spittle. Some had problems
with this. One student in particular turned
her nose up at the thought. I implored her
that it was just expelling spit and that's it.
"It's disgusting and it's rude."
"So, what, you say you've never spit?"
"No, and if I see anybody else doing it, I
tell them off."
"Seriously, you never spit?"
[suppressing snicker] "...Never?"
Dirty double-entendre just doesn't work
when they're idiots.
We also have quite a gap in tastes. When a
frosh started whining that the lab was
actually going to last the whole 2 hour
period, I told him flatly: "You can't always
get what you want."
The table started singing the Stones classic. But then the initial frosh piped up
'Only Motorola offers you the high level of
I looked at him a little off. Seems he only
knew the song through a TV ad.
I could play 'Crazy Train' for them, claim
I wrote it, and sell burned Ozzy albums,
under my name, to them for $17.99 USD.
It's stupid tax, they should have to pay it.
I need to get some sort of stress-relieving
device if this TA gig is to continue without
bloodshed. Perhaps a paintball gun, or a
rubber stamp with 'STUPID'.. .or tits.
The frosh shall inherit the earth. Be sure
they pay for it first.
Contrary to popular belief, at UBC (unlike in
the States where Andy is TAing) we don't
make you club the baby seals. If you are in Bio
121 this term, you get to use the new UBC
sanitary lethal injection chamber. Apparently
they don't feel the pain after the 32nd and
final automated needle stabs them, injecting
the last of the hydrochloric acid into their
bloodstream, tissue, or soft internal organs.
St PtftRtck'5 Day fczzti Gatidenl
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