Quote of the Week Never attribute to malice that which is adequately described by stupidity. Hanlon's Razor W / / / / '/ ',",,"' *' ELECTION President Boyle, Janice • 1266 Hanan, Sunshine • 405 Karmali, Rahim • 679 MacMillian, Vince • 235 Mogus, Jason • 966 Peterson, Heidi* 1140 Spoils • 322 Vice President Kunimoto, Namiko • 1407 Lyotier, John • 760 Mathur, Monica • 938 McDonald, Blair* 916 Paget, Alecia • 416 Spoils *57 Director of Finance Davies, Ryan • 1161 Ivanochko, Tara • 1397 turn, Patrick* 1179 Young, Chris • 639 Spoils • 637 Coordinator of External Affairs Behler, Kirsten • 368 Borlns, David • 1055 Kok, Victor • 485 Ramsbotham, Jane • 817 Walker, Scott • 712 Yong, Melodie • 972 Spoils • 604 Director of Administration Bavis, Craig • 1127 Cheng, Joseph • 1302 Dahlstrom, Per • 562 Johal, Am • 1447 Spoils • 575 Science Senator Billesberger, Selina * 56 Del Vecchio, Orin • 70 Khan, Dave* 113 Spoils • 8 Board of Governors firett, Jason • 994 Hermant, Heather* 1710 Hughes, Michael • 1642 Johnsrude, Allan • 341 Kirkham, Corey • 536 Pacradouni, Vighen • 612 VanKleek, Mark * 1062 Spoils* 518 Senate-at-larqe Brotiz, fames • 1712 Chui, Uca • 2088 Dossa, Farheen • 1218 Lau, Andrew • 1629 Maas, Willem * 1780 Shu, David • 1345 Young, Derek • 1254 Spoils • 779 Ubyssey Referendum YES * 3252 NO * 2082 Spoils • 36 Republicans Win! Mass exodus to Mexico feared by many! RESULTS Gord van McOlundslky and Irving Washington Roving Correspondents VANCOUVER (SAP) IN WHAT IS being described as the election of the century, the voters of the University of British Columbia took drastic measures late last week to force change upon their governing body. With the election of four members of the "Think Later" slate, students sent a clear message that will be heard for years. One of the primary objections to the tyrannical reign of the previous President, his Royal Highness William Alexander Francis Dobie III, was that he simply achieved too much during his time in office. Students ensured this would not be a problem for the incoming Executive, selecting candidates based on their lack of experience and qualifications. "It was just too much, too fast," said an unidentified student when stopped on his way to the polls. "I mean, who wants to elect someone who might actually do any work? I much prefer when the AMS leaves me alone so I can spend all my time studying for Med School. It's much safer for all concerned if everything remains the same. That's why I'm voting for the Think Later' people. They seem absolutely clueless, and that's what I look for in a leader." Other students voiced different concerns. T.K. Tsong, a 4th year Commerce student had the following to say. "Well/the reason why I voted 'Think Later' was their stand on the issues. You see, I think that my student fees should be spent on saving the yellow-winged Spanish wombats from extinction by tobacco growing native farmers in Lower Zinghoola. I couldn't stand the way Dobie and his crew wasted bucks on services, so I voted for people I believe in." Analysts are predicting immediate changes to the Student Union Building, center of student life on campus. Rapid expansion, and diversification of the women-only space is expected within the month, with the addition of a women-with-red-hair only space and a wornen-carrying-3.8-kilogramsof-textbooks only space. The Arcade and sunounding businesses are slated to be converted to a hydroponics lab, for the production of hemp. The novice student politicians are quick to defend their ideas. "It's not intended for human consumption. After all, that would be illegal. At least until we start lobbying the federal government." "You see, we're predicting that ships will have to convert back to sail sometime in the next five years, and we want to be able to control a sizable portion of the sail-making industry." When asked about the source of this information, they replied, "We'd rather not say. Just trust us. We're not your typical lunatics." Critics are quick to agree, adding that "they're outstanding lunatics... and in charge of a $8 million budget." Another area due to be affected will be the SUB Auditorium, with policies being put in place to prohibit the showing of first- run movies at low prices. In their place, FilmSoc will ensure students receive alternative movies, priced on a sliding scale. The switch is scheduled for the first weekend in February, with the environmentally sensitive "Ferngully - the Last Rainforest" showing at 7:00, and the feminist classic "Thelma and Louise" playing at 9:30. In addition, modifications are planned to much of the decision-making processes of the student society. For instance, the annual lxx)king lineup is slated for cancellation. In its place, an new cooperative booking setup is planned. Student groups will no longer have to book space for their exclusive use, as all bookable rooms will be on a first-come, first serve basis. If two student groups show up at the same time, they will be expected to share the space equally. Most clubs are enthusiastic about the changes, but some current club exec are expressing some concern. "After all, what happens If Ski Club shows up for a bzzr garden at the same time as Shoto-Kan karate decides to hold a tournament?" asked the President of the Sinn Fein Club. "You could have six or seven different groups vying for control of the Ballroom on Friday nights. Ballroom dancers mixed with the Wargamers Society, and at the same time, the Engineers might be holding a dance. Imagine the chaos!" Reaction is expected to be positive for these and other innovative changes being introduced over the next twelve months. In a related story, transfers from UBC to Mexican universities has trebled in the last five days. UBC administration are at a lack to explain the reasons why. V^S ITICMNS COH .V0tf' ofc ^ * HAW*- &£> Time.: Sa&ATMNi twiMirree. u Evolutionary theory collides with political science. THE FOUR THIRTY TWO Monday, January 30, 1995 Volume 8 Number 9 Monday, January 30,1995 Mtor Blair McDonald Assistant Editors Graeme Kennedy, Roger Watts, John Hallett Printers College Printers of Vancouver, BC Contributors Jesse Burnett, Bella Carvalho, Jay Garcia, John Hallett, Graeme Kennedy, Tracy MacKinnon, Blair McDonald, Tessa Moon, Glen Stokes, Matt Wiggin Outer Stuff The 432 welcomes unsolicited articles and cartoons from students of all facul ties. Please bring in a disk (Mac or IBM) plus a proofread copy of your work to the SUS Office, Chem 160 before the posted deadline. All rights reserved as of 1995, The 432. Legal note: the views expressed herein are those of the individual authors, not of the Alma Mater Society or the University of British Columbia. Now 100% accuracy free. Guaranteed! Da Jungle. I THINK IT MAY be time to adopt a new life strategy - that of the lemur. Now, I can't claim this idea's original, but the lemur does have a good thing going. Whenever the lemur is threatened, it runs. Really fast. And it hides until the danger goes away. Since there's a lot of lemurs out there, I've got to assume this strategy is fairly effective. If I were a lemur, I certainly wouldn't go to my Political Science 260 tutorials. You see, my TA is an Irish soccer hooligan. He's quiet, never speaks louder than a low whisper, and stares intensely at whomever happens to be speaking. And his eyes... well, let's just say they remind me of the sort of eyes I'd expect to find staring at me over the barrels of a shotgun, or the wickedly- sharp blade of an axe. Just call him Dr. Jekyll. • Life seems to be full of contradictions. Here's one of my favourite - The Anarchy Organization. Now, doesn't that seem a little bit outta whack? Another big pet peeve is all the lousy advertising on TV. You've seen them. The one from Pampers, offering new, extra-thin diapers that'll teach the child when he's soaked himself. Now, this ad campaign follows right on the heels of the one that advertised new Pampers, extra-thick ones that'll absorb up to 50 repeated wettings in case the child's unlucky enough to have a parent that doesn't check that sort of thing for an entire week. My theory is this: Pampers went out and made billions of diapers, but forgot to specify the required thickness to the manufacturer. This gave them diapers of all sizes. They sold off all the regular ones during the '80's. The thick ones went last year, and they're only now getting around to selling off all the rejects. It's a jungle out there... I also detest the blatantly stupid advertisements. Like the new one from Nissan. "The Fastest Growing Car in its Class" means nothing! Cars do not grow! They are made of steel and plastic, and the last time I checked, other objects made of metal were not growing, fast or slow. But it made a catchy tagline for the ad campaign, so the company executive went for it. Blair McDonald It's a sign of the impending apoc- olypse. We're going to see people jumping up in class, waving signs labelled John 14, or wearing sandwich boards lettered with the phrases "Recant, die end is near!". I almost hope the end is near. At least then I won't have to catch up for the last three weeks of missed schoolwork. C^-"-} In other news, our dearly beloved rag, the paper we love to hate, The Ubyssey will soon be resurrected from its premature death and once again terrorize the students of UBC. Strike that last bit. I meant to say "expand their intellectual boundaries", but it came out a bit differently the first time. Its return accompanies a rather interesting shift in the philosophy behind student politics here at UBC. Now, this might be the first time you hear this - The 432 being the first paper to carry the results - but four of the five Executive are from the Action Now slate, along with both the Board of Governors representatives. I think it fair to say the new Executive don't share many of the goals, objectives and priorities of the current Executive. This may cause friction, to put it politely, since Council will not turn over until May 1, with many existing Council members already planning to run again. One school of thought (obviously not the only one) holds that the incoming people are left-wing, radical etceteras, and this marks the end of the student society as we know it. Debate among yourselves if this is a good or bad thing - the only common concensus is that most people don't care. I've got a new theory. Personally, I don't think the structure of the bureaucracy will allow either left, or right-wing politics to exist as they do on paper. Everything will be dragged to middle-of-the road, forced there by all the checks and balances of the system. I think it will all work out for the best in the end. And if it doesn't - well, that's OK, too. After all, most people view the AMS as irrelevant, which is exactly what it will be if the year is spent by all sides blocking the others. But there'll be tons o' great stuff for The 432. You gotta luv politics. rr woni W0*n. \-r\ tw MUCH U*£ TXyiNei to mse eucm C0NTWL RErRCAcnVE. I LOAN REMISSION APPLICATION ssr *»///////////? Problems with student loans. The EUS Unity and Goodwill Committee has been formed to address negative attitudes towards people based on sexual orientation, race, gender, class, ability and other criteria. There are funds available for projects whose goal is to change attitudes and promote acceptance across campus. We are now accepting proposals, these projects proposals should contain contact name, telephone numbers and information on any other funding sources, where applicable. Proposals will be reviewed by the Committee. Successful applicants will be requested to make a presentation regarding their project. Proposals are due February 10, 1995 (SUB Box 151). Late submissions will be accepted (with priority given to those submitted by the deadline). t: ie committee will look favourably upon detailed and specific proposals which have the potential to reach a large number of students. Questions and proposals can by addressed to: EUS Unity and Goodwill Committee Alma Mater Society of U.B.C AMS Business Office, Room 266 SUB Box 151 Vancouver, BC V6T 1Z1 p5SD3 ALMA MATER SOCIETY Monday, January 30,1995 THE FOUR THIRTY-TWO Skill-testing Examination Can you fill in the following? The dog jumped over the picket fence. Congratulations! You're qualified to be a columnist! We're always looking for writers and artists. Talent is obviously not necessary, so why hot give it a try? for The 432. LOOK, FREE STUFF! •*• Contest One ••• Valentine's Day Poetry and Prose The 432 is offering free space to all those lovers out there without any idea of what to get that significant other on the Day of Love. Write him/her a eloquent poem, or if you're really desperate, plagiarize from Tennyson and Shakespeare. Please limit yourself with regards to length, or we 11 be forced to edit your entry to make it seem like it's actually meant for your ex-. The best original entry (as judged by our staff) will receive a cruise trip for two to the Bahamas Islands. Just kidding. You'll get nothin' from us, buddy. An EasyGuide™ Recipe for Winning Student Politics. 1. Take five people. Any five people will do. They need not have any pertinent qualifications or experience. 2. Add catchy slogan. This is critical to the success of your campaign. It is important to pick one that is eye-catching, one that will draw voters to your slate like flies to honey. Picking a slogan is much like choosing tomatoes; you want one that's nice a firm. Squishy ones like "Think Blue" will only last a few hours without refrigeration before spoiling. Also, you should pick one that actually gives away your platform. "Students for Doing; Nothing" is far too explicit for any respectable political types. A good slogan promises nothing concrete. A great slogan will imply that the candidates using it are forward-thinking individuals who will fix all the problems immediately, without coming out and saying how that is to be done. Slogan should also convince students politics is all about radical change, drawing the connection to student activism in the '<50s. This will especially appeal to the hemp-smoking population, and to the hemp-smoking wannabees, mostly Science and Engineering students who identify more with Porky movies rather than Revenge of the Nerds. 3. Promise the world. Since voters rarely remember anything after the first week of office, make every promise you can, even the ones you can't keep. Promise an end to elitism, social injustice, world hunger, environmental abuse, racism, political incorrectness and those really disgusting chili dogs from Snack Attack. Voters will come out in herds for that last one. 4. Poster the hell outta campus. In order to properly poster a campus the size of UBC, a slate requires at least 3 old-growth trees for paper. You also need 4 gallons of non-renewable oil reserves to make enough masking tape, and a new strip mine will have to be started for your staples. Finally, 73 toxic chemicals will be dumped by an evil corporation into a fish-breeding stream in order to provide your inks. However, to preserve your environmentally friendly image, make sure you print on beige coloured paper, and conspiciously include a tiny recyclable symbol in the top left hand corner. 5. Slam everyone else. Don't bother going out and researching the issues. It's simply not necessary, ever since Webster's Third Collegiate had the following entry under corrupt, corrupt \ke-rupt\ (n): evil, dastardly, black to the core, referring to inherently devious people trying to destroy everything important to the fabric of society. See entry under student politicians. Simply ensure you add corrupt, fascist, Stalinist, or any of the other approved descriptors every fifth or sixth word during your campaign. By following these easy steps, almost anyone can win a student election. In fact, we're so sure, we're willing to offer a money-back guarantee to anyone using this product during the next six months. Offer void for qualified candidates and the living-impaired. hQuj LUUJ Monday February 6 4:32pm r ^ Gym Night February 3 Osborne Gym A/B 9:30pm • Free Food Rosagrams on Tuesday, Feb 14 at Chem Building Chem Grad Cruise April 22 • 8pm - 1am 27.50 per person THE FOUR THIRTY T W 0 Monday, January 30, 1995 Better grades? Hah! YOU'RE COMING home one afternoon, after a long and tiring chemistry lab, wherein you have spent the last three hours of your life trying, perhaps unsuccessfully, to turn a beakerful of bluish fluid into, well, another beakerful of bluish fluid, all in order to appease the vengeful gods of Chemistry 122. You calmly open your mailbox. Bills, bills, a notice saying that you have just won a million dollars, more bills, a letter from the office of the Dean of Sciences, more bills... Whoa! Back up a minute there. Carefully, you tear open that little letter. A small piece of paper flutters out. Your hands start shaking, sweat is breaking up on your forehead. Be calm, you think, it's only a letter inviting you to lunch with the Dean, or maybe informing you that all your extra-curricular work has been so exemplary that the office of the Dean itself has taken notice, that's all, it's not what you think, it can't be, it's too early, your statement of grades can't have arrived so soon. Alas, it is not to be. One look at that paper confirms it. You let loose a loud string of expletives which immediately kills every small invertebrate in your vicinity and cause your grand motherly next door neighbor to collapse in a spastic heap. You continue to swear as you stare at percentiles which more resemble the average temperature of Vancouver in the summer (in Celsius), or perhaps the combined IQof several high-school gym teachers. Then you say the words that every student has said since the dawn of recorded schooling: "I swear I'm going to get better grades this term!" This is, of course, easier said than done. (I mean, if it were actually harder said than done, then you're either inflicted with a speech condition or a member of the Church of the Sub- Genius). Thus, as a public service, we at The 432 proudly present: The Second Term Guide to Better Grades. First on your list of things to do is to buy a Keener Special. You know what I'm talking about, those little four- color Bic pens which make your lecture hall sound like it's been infested by a colony of rabid beetles every time your prof whips out a beautifully illustrated diagram. Keener Specials can be found wherever keener equipment (like pocket protectors, or little laser pointer pens) can be found. Be sure to buy one of the blue and white Bic pens. It has to be recognizable as a Keener Special. Any other version just won't do, for reasons to be explained below. Secondly, you've got to crack open your textbook. By this I mean to open it at several key locations so that the spine develops those little creases. You don't actually have to read the thing (unless the sudden shock from the exposure to your statement of grades has turned you into a raving masochist). Just make sure you crease the spine. It doesn't hurt to toss the book around your room a couple of times (just don't put dents in your walls, as your landlord won't usually accept excuses of "textbook damage" when he calculates the amount to deduct from your security deposit). You may even want to randomly highlight some passages and thumb through the pages. This can be done anywhere, at any time — such as at the Pit on Wednesdays, or on a really bumpy bus. A good time is usually during classes, provided that you're thumbing and highlighting through a textbook appropriate to that class. Remember, what you're highlighting doesn't have to make sense, it just has to look good. Thirdly, at any point in the lecture (especially if the prof is in the middle of a long and convoluted explanation) raise your hand and ask any question which comes to mind. Remember to pepper your question with as many polysyllabic words as you can. The more obfuscating your question, the more likely the prof is to tell you that your question has "raised some interesting points. Why don't you come see me after class." (Don't worry about this part. When you do go to see him, just tell him that, because of the brilliance of his lecture led you to an insight which helped you out of your mental quagmire.) Fourth, and perhaps the most important point in this lecture: sit close to the front of the room. Generally, front row, middle column will place you within enough range for the prof to actually stare into the whites of your eyes. This is the optimum prof-impressing range. This is Jay Garcia Wine and Cheese Social Thursday, February 3 7 -10pm SUB Partyroom why you buy the keener pen and crease (and thumb through, and highlight) your textbook. If you look like a keener, and sound like a keener, then the prof will assume that you are a keener. More importantly, it will also cause other keeners to assume that you are one of them. This is a very, very important facet of your plans. Since you look like a keener, but will actually have a life outside of school, you will be the object of envy of the many keeners who secretly desire lives of their own, and will gladly share their expertise and experience with you in order to live out the lives they wished they had, however vicariously, through you. This is more useful in classes where a large percentage of marks comes from your homework (or, more appropriately, homework whose content you've obtained with the help of your keener friends). And, in any case, if any of the above fails to impress your prof or pad your marks, there's at least the option of taking one or two keeners down with you. Show them the wonders of the Pit on a Wednesday night. Take them meet members of the opposite sex (who, if you're lucky, will be attracted to brainy individuals such as your friends). This last ploy is extremely useful when your prof grades on a curve — lowering the high end will make your mediocre marks seem to be much than they really are. The Alma Mater Society will have the following positions available soon. ® Members for: External Affairs Commissioner University Commission Student Adminstrative Commission Finance Commission Students-at-large for the following Renovations Planning Group Commercial Services Planning Group Communications Planning Group Budget Advisory Committee Code and Policies Advisory Committee Directors for the following Services Joblink Volunteer Services Speakeasy Student Support Student University Affairs Office Orientations Safewalk Rentsline Student Discounts Assistant Directors for Joblink Orientations (5) Ombudsperson (6) Elections Adminstrator For more information about these or other opportunities, contact Janice Boyle, Vice President in SUB 248 or call 822-3092 © rams m ALMA MATER SOCIETY UBC Student Government Monday, January 30,1995 THE FOUR THIRTY-TWO John 8:9 ONE THING THAT I noticed almost immediately after starting work was the wide variety of people that I was being exposed to. In fact, on my very first day as a dishwasher way back in my grade six summer, I remember the sous-chef showing just a little too much glee at dicing up the beef for the hamburgers. It took me two whole years to realize that restaurants buy their hamburgers already cut into patties. It was a painful memory that is just the tiniest bit more durable because he won't be able to fulfill his promise of "cutting out your tongue and eyeballs before turning you into so much fluffy pate" for another fifteen years. So who's the "little squealer" now, Guido? I'd rather not talk about that now, if you don't mind. From that pleasant little experience I went on to pumping gas for a living. This way I got to meet hundreds of wonderful, happy people who really shouldn't be living on the outside. It's not like any of them offered to turn me into chicken souffle or anything, it's just that you gotta realize that you need to brush up on your social skills when you think it's an absolute roar to bet your buddy Zeke a pack of smokes to see who can first fling a lit match in the open gas storage tank. After several near-fatal incidents and about six nervous breakdowns I decided it was time for a change of profession. I seriously contemplated taking some time off to figure out which tiny, isolated country I'd be living in when 2010 rolled around. I was just about to settle down under a tree with a copy of the world atlas when an ex- friend of mine marched up to me and offered me a summer job working for his dad. As it turned out, his dad owned a local auto parts store and was in need of a delivery driver. Many of you out there may think being an auto delivery driver is a lot like being a pizza delivery driver. If I ever meet any of you, you'E be needing a nose brace and a wad of paper towels rather expediently. You see, the two jobs have only one thing in common: they involve driving, and lots of it. Nothing else. Pizza delivery drivers get tips, in fact, they get a tip at almost every delivery, $2 there, $5 here, you'd be surprised to see how fast it adds up considering they make four or five deliveries an hour. To say the least, I didn't get tips. Pizzas, on the average, usually weigh a hell of a lot less than transmissions, and the people expecting them haven't been swearing at a 72 Dodge since 9am. As well, no matter how late you arrive, they still want their pizza as it doesn't mean that they have to go back to work in order to mount it in a vehicle of some sort. They also John Hallett don't usually possess really large wrenches and crow-bars. Then there was all the fun I had when I wasn't out driving my van. I remember the sheer joy of off-loading 3 tonnes of car batteries in the midday sun. I also remember what I smelted like after... so do my friends, in fact, I don't think they'll ever let me forget. Needless to say, I quit. Now I'm working on my most recent job (last issue). In fact, I'm at work right now. I'm not doing work or anything drastic like that, I'm just at work... getting paid... for writing an article that I would of written anyway. There are down sides, however, like the people I work with. Not all of them, just some, there's this one guy: Dave. (Inside joke: everyone here is named Dave) Dave has this nasty habit of <unfortunately, this portion of Mr. Hallett's article had to be censored as no publishable phrase could adequately describe the action that was here. We at The 432 have been censoring stuff since 1987, and frankly, this made us sick>. Now do you understand? The thing with the Daves is that they (for the most part) work on our technical support line. So what we wind up with is this: • People buy our product (I have no idea what that is) • People get home, unpack their new purchase, and realize that they have no idea what-so-ever how to use it. • People read the helpful manual that is provided with our product, which is, incidentally, written by Dave. • People get confused by the helpful manual. • People noticed the easy to use technical support number. • People call our technical support and get some help from Dave. • People try the help and realize that they are still completely clueless. • People call tech support and ask for Dave. Dave kindly explains that everyone in tech support is named Dave, asks which Dave the customer wants to speak to. • The customer, already confused at this point, replies'T'd like to talk to Dave." • Dave replies "Yes?" • Customer snaps and goes to nearest store to purchase high caliber assault rifle, discovers 14 day wait and goes off to purchase some explosives, which are surprisingly still legal. Anyway, I think that I've rambled on long enough about co-workers. So, to sum up, they can be great, they can be psychotic, and they can be just downright sick. LOOK, FREE STUFF! ••• Contest 2 ••• We're running out of ideas! Just kidding. We're actually just getting too lazy to take the time to create fascinating filler at 4 in the morning. Some of us actually want to graduate sometime in the next seven years. So, we're reaching out to you, our loyal reader, to help us compile a handy-dandy idea file. We want your random ideas, story concepts, interesting quotes, joke ads or anything you want to see printed in The 432. Write your name and phone number on the back so we can credit you when we finally use your idea. We'll select the best of what we receive by February 6, and award the winner one of the limited edition The 432 t-shirts. We'll also make you honourary Editor for the next issue. ADDfT/OMAL SPONSORSHIP FOR Sc/fA/ce Wew '95 was GiMRovsty PRomeo by Gatoraos. Oomwo's PfZZA AND SASAMAT PfZZA Beyond First Year 1995 We would like to get your feedback on this programme. Please complete this form and return it to: Beyond First Year, c/o Faculty of Science Dean's Office, BioSciences Rm 1505 Phone 822-9012 Fax 822-9020 How did you hear about Beyond First Year? • letter <» ad • class announcement <i other Did you find this event valuable as a way of gathering information? • very valuable • somewhat valuable • not very valuble Which of these programs would you like to see represented in the future? If you were in charge of planning this program, what changes would you make? We appreciate the time you have taken to help us improve this event. THE FOUR T H R T Y TWO Friday, January 13,1995 SO AHEAO.AStf Mt\ mS <M***oN THAT J YOU CM THlAfK Of. y 8ARTS fntoouE iMififtt-7 Q^me o* eu«AJ&' P\.W£?J C&mlck /noose /} \\ ^ (hftU^TV'S HAip BROTHER? fakfpgRftY.'l n. ■ „...^=^ CWHAT SftygQ THg rnpA/pftMi.;7) Aj>)WT"boHuT.\ ir —— Cwamcs mAioeN Matte? (gUVlFA. OF ^ , Bart's rf\ TCAC»**W} .'_ _ ^ _L j- - _ ._ i ' " i VJtto vofcS KA«6E'S PftoM DAIt? J 1C [O.K.- WrW? MAOC S"tEVg 6MflfcA/0M#aJ %TAft , HoT SHoT/ xn - .VMHo't* THE KID WHO PUfcCS. SASluy?) IE T 'I CAM'T 8fWf«(E »T- , 0*>U AS§ AU.-KNCUHM6ii V ,r]£ K hs wouw've , W5NE*,5A10TVAT &t>0 x^t>e;AD'' THAN* rANt>-rt>tMINKT»W|t. IPofljE ttEM EVOlV/etfl1*! , TWUMfaW Hit ON 0M£ A Brief History of Lateness. HERE IT I SIT, at 9:52pm on a Monday evening, writing my article for The 432. "Who cares?" you ask? Well, I'm pretty sure the editor does, judging from the way he insists on holding that axe so close to my head. See, my article was due sometime earlier this afternoon, but like everything else in my life, it seems to be a wee bit tardy. Running late seems to be a natural state of being, and I'm pretty sure I know why. Somewheres around the beginning of things, God created the universe, or so the story goes. He finished the whole damned thing in six days, rested on the seventh, and there hasn't been a single construction job since that has run ahead (or even within six weeks) of schedule since. This natural state of lateness is inherent in God's design of the universe. Either the world's clocks to run fast, our internal clocks to run slow, or both. This means that ever since that fateful first week, we've always been late, and always will be, since we're designed that way (so you can put the axe away now Blair, okay?). At first, I thought that this was an accident; that in an attempt to impress His foreman, God decided to cut some corners so He could finish the job early. After all, Matt Wiggiii why do men really need nipples anyways? Why couldn't have God taken a few mnutes before His coffee break to redesign the human chest? Now, I'm not so sure if it was an accident. I actually think that we're supposed to be late. If I get to class five minutes after it starts, then the world is five minutes ahead of me, which is normal. If I get to class five minutes early, however, I am trying to attend an event that hasn't happened yet. Think of it this way: if you watch TV with live satellite hookup, you're seeing events that happened approximately 30 seconds ago, you're 30 seconds behind the world. It's not possible to see things 30 seconds ahead of time on TV. I looked up some related experiments at Main Stacks, and found that back in the early forties, a group from England attempted some experiments in early body theory. Initial experiments proved that time is not conserved in the universe (i.e. in any process, the overall lateness of the universe increases.) Subsequently, it was theorized that any body which becomes early would exit the temporal leading edge of the universe, a phenomenon known as the Early Bird Paradox.) Experiments were performed to attempt to take direct observations on early bodies. Due to disagreements between members on the research team, however they could never get the project to run ahead of schedule, and thus all experiments failed. It is my own personal theory that matter cannot exist outside the universe, so as soon as an object becomes sufficiently early, it ceases to exist, presumably turning into energy of some sort, and possibly causing hillbillies in the southern US to believe they've seen a UFO. This is probably a very dangerous source of energy, however, as it is virtually impossible to make a single object early without becoming early with oneself. After all, if you show up five minutes early and then immediately leave, were you ever there? So now, you can be late with a clean conscience, made worry free through the miracle of science. Be late for everything. It's better to be five minutes late for your final exam rather than risk the chance of being converted to rapidly disassociating electrons. Interested in Grad School? Informational lecture where you'll learn everything you always wanted to know but were afraid to ask. (for 3rd and higher year students) Thursday, February 9th 12:30 MATH 229 Monday, January 30,1995 THE FOUR THIRTY-TWO The EasyGuide™ Exec-o-matic Are you alive? Can you write your own name without assistance? Are you willing to sacrifice everything you own to the all- miighty God of Science? No, really? Prove it. IF YOU MANAGED to answer yes to any of the above questions, you're perfectly suited for a tour of duty with the SUS Executive. You'll get money for college, training during the summer, and a guaranteed job after graduation. You'll see the world! Plus you'll make a difference to your country! No deal gets better than this. We understand you might have a few questions before you sign your seal life John Henry on the dotted line. So read on, legionnaire! President Also referred to as "the person who takes all abuse on behalf of Science students everywhere", this position can actually be quite rewarding. Primary duty is keeping all the other Exec from squabbling like a bunch of spoiled kids. Internal Vice President Person holding this job is responsible for ensuring the complete and utter brainwashing of each year's crop of frosh. Equivalent of the "party whip" in federal politics. Masochists need not apply. External Vice President Expected to maintain good and proper relations between Science and the other undergraduate societies, by any means necessary. This might involve, well anything short of sacrificing live chickens during the Spring Equinox. Attends AMS Council Meetings. Director of Finance Definite source of power at SUS. The person who holds the purse strings, and constantly nags the rest of us to ensure we don't overspend. Also gets to roll with 10 pounds of coins each week. Director of Publications Fully expected by everyone to chain himself (or herself) to the computer twice monthly, and slave away until the paper is completed. Also expected to accept ads, articles and the whatnot right until the last minute before publication. Gets to refer to oneself in the editorial "we", and must have a grouchy disposition in order to survive. Attends AMS Council Meetings. Director of Sports Spends most of her time shuffling students from team to team, minutes before Intramurals' deadlines for team submission. Controls a massive budget for dispersal to Science teams. Also responsible for the honour, glory and prestige of any SUS Executive sports teams, and traditionally held totally responsible for any losses. Public Relations Officer Science's link to the oxxtside world of charities. PRO's over the last two years have had lousy track records for academic success, with the current incarnation- being the first ever to hold the position for an entire term. Primary duty seems to be draining as many students as possible of their blood for the Red Cross. Attends AMS Council Meetings Secretary Holder of the Holy Minutes, Bearer of the All-Mighty Agenda, the Secretary has the most important portfolio of any of the SUS Exec. Ability to handle complex machinery a plus. Attends AMS Council Meetings. Social Coordinator Responsible for getting a weekly quota of finely brewed ale into the bloodstreams of each and every Science student. Is the one the RCMP searches for when things go wrong during any of the many Science drinking binges events. The Mundane Dumpster Tracy Mackinnon AMS Report In case some of you weren't aware the last AMS meeting was during Science Week. As a result, instead of being a good, little AMS Rep and attending the meeting, I was at the CS3 Car Rally. I was darting across Vancouver collecting odd items, most illegally. After the Car Rally I attended the mid-week Bzzr Garden. Of course, I'd given blood that morning so one cider (Thanks Orvin!) was more than enough. So to those of you disappointed in me I have some comforting words: we came in second in the car rally (alas, two minutes behind our closest competitors) and most people don't read this column anyways. Blair McDonald Editing the Bible for fun. The paper might still be publishing. I'm not really sure anymore. Jesse Burnett Bella Carvalho The World of Sports INTFIAMURALS IS looking for paid volunteers. They will pay $5/hour or 5 points per hour per person for anyone who will do Route Patrol for the triathlon/duathlon! The event is on Saturday, March 11, and there are 4 hour shifts between 7am and 4pm. Interested??? Call Tina Stephen at 822- 6000 or 822 9051 In other news, the Bandicoots (the SUS v-ball team) still hold the record for losing every game ever played... but more than one ref has commented on the team's loudness (not rambunc- tiousness, not energy, not spirit, but loudness!) Actually the team did not do badly, despite playing with one less team captain/president (he was "indis- posecfthis weekend) One day, Finland will be victorious. Internal Stuff YAHOO!! Beyond First Year was the most successful event of Science Week. I would like to thank all the professors and students who helped out and all the first years who attended. Next year we hope to have a larger venue and more food. (A special thanks to Pie R Squared who did a rush order of pizza for us when Dominoes didn't show) I would also like to really thank the First Year Committee who worked really hard to pull the event together. The winners of the Door Prizes are Tony and Charlie who won a free video rental each and Suzanne Komili who won a grand prize of a Red Robin Gift Certificate. Unfortunately we had to cancel the Twister Contest due to the lack of purchasable twister boards in Vancouver. So Sorry! We are still doing evaluations for First Term Teaching Excellence Awards and keep an eye out for Second Term nomination forms. Nominations for SUS Council Executive positions will be opening on February 6 1995. The available positions will be President, Internal Vice President, External Vice President, Secretary, Director of Finance, Public Relations, Director of Sports, Social Coordinator and Director of Publications. If you're interested come down and talk to our current execs and find out what we do. Sub 67S'8" B-ball Tourney Date: Sun, February 5 Deadline: by Feb 1 The European Open Badminton Tourney Date: Sat, February 11 Deadline: by Feb 8 The Heartbreaker Volleyball Tourney Date: Sun, February 12 Deadline: by Feb 8 THE FOUR THIRTY-TWO Monday, January 30, 1995 My Achey-Breakey Head EVER SINCE EARLY childhood, I've been plagued by headaches. At first, the explanation was simple: allergies. I have allergies up the wazoo. I was one of those kids who had to carry the bee kit when hiking. The worst was when I was actually lifeguard- ing at a summer camp and got stung while performing a res- cue. The kid just hung onto Wraeme anybody now?" Me: "Yeah, Candee Doll." Friend: "That's pretty sad, Graeme. Does she have real hair?" Me (confused): "Uh, I think so. Wanna come with us to see a movie tonight?" Friend: "Pretty sick, Graeme." Apparently they thought my bathing suit as I puffed up Kennedy sne was inflatable. I began into a moonball and washed us ashore. Not only did I get a headache from the allergic reaction, and additionally from the adrenaline shot, but just imagine bobbing into dock pilings for half an hour until somebody grabs you with a hunk of driftwood. Anyway, by this time I had found newer and more devastating sources of headaches. These ones had two X's and they weren't beers. I'm talking about women. N-now, don't get up in arms over this. Like, don't sue me or anything. Men cause headaches, too. Just not mine. One was a real doll. I mean a real Doll. As in that was her last name. Her first name was Candee (two e's). My first name was whipped (two p's). She was a real cutie, but unfortunately none of my friends ever met her. This was due to some confusion. Friend: "So, Graeme, are you seeing buying Excederin in bulk. Women cause much more pain than they know, actually. It's part of that male stoicism routine. I have a scar on my forearm that has gone mostly unnoticed; here's how I got it: Her (innocently): "Can I borrow your pen?" Me (typically): "Sure, it's right here" ['Here' being right beside the chem lab's heading mantle. Hiss. Grimace.] "Here. You. Go." Organic chemistry is a major headache. It's all those 24 hour study- fests that bring ya down. It's the caffeine, see. The stuff gets into your brain, gasses up the Husqvama and then just goes nuts on your ganglia. Try to sleep with Leatherface romping in yer synapses. Roommates are a headache. You know, the nocturnal kind. Her (4:00am): "Oh, was my pasta maker keeping you up?" Me (through fuzzy tongue): "Muthst... kill... roommate... Oooh! Fettuthine!" Writing articles is a headache. Not so much because of stress, but because you fall headfirst into the keyboard as you bore yourself to sleep with your own prose. For that matter, dull lectures are a headache. Again because of that perpetual snapping of the head as you wake up suddenly and smack your visual cortex against the wall behind. Pretty colours, but sometimes you just knock yourself out again anyway. I've done this before. Used to sleep in a bunkbed under the heating duct. I woke up from some kind of nightmare and smacked my head on the corner. Strike One. Reeling from the pain, I clasped my head and tried to rise again. I had forgotten about the duct and squashed my knuckles between plywood and skull. Strike two. Now that I was really pissed off I decided to get the hell out of there. Somehow I managed to forget the edge. My head found it again. This time, however, I was out like a light so at least I got some sleep out of the deal. Only on one other occasion have I been knocked out cold like that. That was The Great Bear Trap Incident. It was the Autumn of 1980. Boy George was inexplicably popular. VP George was explicably not. The plan was to bonk a bear silly by constructing a booby-trap in the woods behind my house. Geoff (the soon-to-be- banned-from-my-yard friend) helped me assemble the apparatus: a rock precariously balanced on a tree branch, tied by string to a chunk of plywood which the bear would presumably not notice, step on, and Bob's your uncle. My mistake was in volunteering to tie the plywood onto the string while Geoff secured the rock above. It was no Star-Trek styrofoam boulder that landed squarely on my nut. The next thing I remember seeing is Geoff's dust as he "...ran for help." So, I'm happy to say that the big engineer in the sky was having a good day when he designed the crash tolerance for my brainbucket. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking. No problems, here. Just like new. Yep. Now, what was I writing about... Did I tell you that I get headaches? 4-» •MB u O <•> 4-» <z 3 <s U) <v c ID u c • MB u <v CO ■g c CO u M— o <v E CO 2 CD JO E <U Z E - t c <u Q WO 3 1/1 .a E 3 c o .1 c 5 S f g .5 | I I <3 •ho *-> <3 .C o c G ■8 s ■8 c: :=> cj c +-> c In a> .a E a a &3 c CD S % E 32 -<= o Q ■8 O c ■ o C 3 <u E P3 Jl « Ol «*> r«:S IS* IS5 "if* 52 B 3 +-> C3 Q : vi ; c r— (NMt«n«NOOO\ Ot— <Nm-^-iOvOf^s .52 u
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The 432 Jan 30, 1995
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Title | The 432 |
Publisher | Vancouver : University of British Columbia. Science Undergraduate Society |
Date Issued | 1995-01-30 |
Subject |
University of British Columbia |
Geographic Location | Vancouver (B.C.) |
Genre |
Periodicals |
Type |
Text |
FileFormat | application/pdf |
Language | English |
Identifier | LE3.B841 A12 LE3_B841_A12_1995_01_30 |
Collection |
University Publications |
Source | Original Format: University of British Columbia. Archives |
Date Available | 2016-07-19 |
Provider | Vancouver : University of British Columbia Library |
Rights | Images provided for research and reference use only. Permission to publish, copy, or otherwise use these images must be obtained from the University of British Columbia Science Undergraduate Society: http://www.sus.ubc.ca/ |
CatalogueRecord | http://resolve.library.ubc.ca/cgi-bin/catsearch?bid=1229713 |
DOI | 10.14288/1.0000888 |
AggregatedSourceRepository | CONTENTdm |
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