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The 432 Jan 30, 1995

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Array Quote of the Week
Never attribute to malice that
which is adequately described by
stupidity.
Hanlon's Razor
W
/
/
/   /
'/
',",,"' *'
ELECTION
President
Boyle, Janice • 1266
Hanan, Sunshine • 405
Karmali, Rahim • 679
MacMillian, Vince • 235
Mogus, Jason • 966
Peterson, Heidi* 1140
Spoils • 322
Vice President
Kunimoto, Namiko • 1407
Lyotier, John • 760
Mathur, Monica • 938
McDonald, Blair* 916
Paget, Alecia • 416
Spoils *57
Director of Finance	
Davies, Ryan • 1161
Ivanochko, Tara • 1397
turn, Patrick* 1179
Young, Chris • 639
Spoils • 637
Coordinator of External Affairs
Behler, Kirsten • 368
Borlns, David • 1055
Kok, Victor • 485
Ramsbotham, Jane • 817
Walker, Scott • 712
Yong, Melodie • 972
Spoils • 604
Director of Administration
Bavis, Craig • 1127
Cheng, Joseph • 1302
Dahlstrom, Per • 562
Johal, Am • 1447
Spoils • 575
Science Senator	
Billesberger, Selina * 56
Del Vecchio, Orin • 70
Khan, Dave* 113
Spoils • 8
Board of Governors	
firett, Jason • 994
Hermant, Heather* 1710
Hughes, Michael • 1642
Johnsrude, Allan • 341
Kirkham, Corey • 536
Pacradouni, Vighen • 612
VanKleek, Mark * 1062
Spoils* 518
Senate-at-larqe
Brotiz, fames • 1712
Chui, Uca • 2088
Dossa, Farheen • 1218
Lau, Andrew • 1629
Maas, Willem * 1780
Shu, David • 1345
Young, Derek • 1254
Spoils • 779
Ubyssey Referendum
YES * 3252
NO * 2082
Spoils • 36
Republicans Win!
Mass exodus to Mexico feared by many!
RESULTS
Gord van McOlundslky and Irving Washington	
Roving Correspondents
VANCOUVER (SAP)
IN WHAT IS being described as the election of the century,
the voters of the University of British Columbia took drastic
measures late last week to force change upon their governing
body.
With the election of four members of the "Think Later" slate,
students sent a clear message that will be heard for years.
One of the primary objections to the tyrannical reign of the
previous President, his Royal Highness William Alexander
Francis Dobie III, was that he simply achieved too much during
his time in office. Students ensured this would not be a problem for the incoming Executive, selecting candidates based on
their lack of experience and qualifications.
"It was just too much, too fast," said an unidentified student
when stopped on his way to the polls. "I mean, who wants to
elect someone who might actually do any work? I much prefer
when the AMS leaves me alone so I can spend all my time
studying for Med School. It's much safer for all concerned if
everything remains the same. That's why I'm voting for the
Think Later' people. They seem absolutely clueless, and that's
what I look for in a leader."
Other students voiced different concerns. T.K. Tsong, a 4th
year Commerce student had the following to say.
"Well/the reason why I voted 'Think Later' was their stand
on the issues. You see, I think that my student fees should be
spent on saving the yellow-winged Spanish wombats from
extinction by tobacco growing native farmers in Lower
Zinghoola. I couldn't stand the way Dobie and his crew wasted
bucks on services, so I voted for people I believe in."
Analysts are predicting immediate changes to the Student
Union Building, center of student life on campus. Rapid expansion, and diversification of the women-only space is expected
within the month, with the addition of a women-with-red-hair
only space and a wornen-carrying-3.8-kilogramsof-textbooks
only space.
The Arcade and sunounding businesses are slated to be converted to a hydroponics lab, for the production of hemp. The
novice student politicians are quick to defend their ideas.
"It's not intended for human consumption. After all, that
would be illegal. At least until we start lobbying the federal
government."
"You see, we're predicting that ships will have to convert
back to sail sometime in the next five years, and we want to be
able to control a sizable portion of the sail-making industry."
When asked about the source of this information, they
replied,
"We'd rather not say. Just trust us. We're not your typical
lunatics."
Critics are quick to agree, adding that "they're outstanding
lunatics... and in charge of a $8 million budget."
Another area due to be affected will be the SUB Auditorium,
with policies being put in place to prohibit the showing of first-
run movies at low prices. In their place, FilmSoc will ensure students receive alternative movies, priced on a sliding scale. The
switch is scheduled for the first weekend in February, with the
environmentally sensitive "Ferngully - the Last Rainforest"
showing at 7:00, and the feminist classic "Thelma and Louise"
playing at 9:30.
In addition, modifications are planned to much of the decision-making processes of the student society.
For instance, the annual lxx)king lineup is slated for cancellation. In its place, an new cooperative booking setup is planned.
Student groups will no longer have to book space for their
exclusive use, as all bookable rooms will be on a first-come, first
serve basis. If two student groups show up at the same time,
they will be expected to share the space equally.
Most clubs are enthusiastic about the changes, but some current club exec are expressing some concern.
"After all, what happens If Ski Club shows up for a bzzr garden at the same time as Shoto-Kan karate decides to hold a
tournament?" asked the President of the Sinn Fein Club.
"You could have six or seven different groups vying for control of the Ballroom on Friday nights. Ballroom dancers mixed
with the Wargamers Society, and at the same time, the
Engineers might be holding a dance. Imagine the chaos!"
Reaction is expected to be positive for these and other innovative changes being introduced over the next twelve months.
In a related story, transfers from UBC to Mexican universities
has trebled in the last five days. UBC administration are at a
lack to explain the reasons why.
V^S
ITICMNS
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Time.: Sa&ATMNi twiMirree.
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Evolutionary theory collides with political science. THE
FOUR
THIRTY
TWO
Monday, January 30, 1995
Volume 8 Number 9
Monday, January 30,1995
Mtor
Blair McDonald
Assistant Editors
Graeme Kennedy, Roger Watts, John
Hallett
Printers
College Printers of Vancouver, BC
Contributors
Jesse Burnett, Bella Carvalho, Jay Garcia,
John Hallett, Graeme Kennedy, Tracy
MacKinnon, Blair McDonald, Tessa
Moon, Glen Stokes, Matt Wiggin
Outer Stuff
The 432 welcomes unsolicited articles
and cartoons from students of all facul
ties. Please bring in a disk (Mac or IBM)
plus a proofread copy of your work to the
SUS Office, Chem 160 before the posted
deadline.  All rights reserved as of 1995,
The 432. Legal note: the views expressed
herein are those of the individual
authors, not of the Alma Mater Society
or the University of British Columbia.
Now 100% accuracy free. Guaranteed!
Da Jungle.
I THINK IT MAY be time to adopt a
new life strategy - that of the lemur.
Now, I can't claim this idea's original,
but the lemur does have a good thing
going. Whenever the lemur is threatened, it runs. Really fast. And it
hides until the danger goes
away.
Since there's a lot of lemurs
out there, I've got to assume
this strategy is fairly effective.
If I were a lemur, I certainly
wouldn't go to my Political
Science 260 tutorials. You see,
my TA is an Irish soccer hooligan. He's
quiet, never speaks louder than a low
whisper, and stares intensely at
whomever happens to be speaking.
And his eyes... well, let's just say they
remind me of the sort of eyes I'd
expect to find staring at me over the
barrels of a shotgun, or the wickedly-
sharp blade of an axe. Just call him Dr.
Jekyll.
•
Life seems to be full of contradictions. Here's one of my favourite - The
Anarchy Organization. Now, doesn't
that seem a little bit outta whack?
Another big pet peeve is all the
lousy advertising on TV. You've seen
them. The one from Pampers, offering
new, extra-thin diapers that'll teach
the child when he's soaked himself.
Now, this ad campaign follows right
on the heels of the one that advertised
new Pampers, extra-thick ones that'll
absorb up to 50 repeated wettings in
case the child's unlucky enough to
have a parent that doesn't check that
sort of thing for an entire week.
My theory is this: Pampers went out
and made billions of diapers, but forgot to specify the required thickness to
the manufacturer. This gave them diapers of all sizes.
They sold off all the regular ones
during the '80's. The thick ones went
last year, and they're only now getting
around to selling off all the rejects.
It's a jungle out there...
I also detest the blatantly stupid
advertisements. Like the new one
from Nissan.
"The Fastest Growing Car in its
Class" means nothing! Cars do not
grow! They are made of steel and plastic, and the last time I checked, other
objects made of metal were not growing, fast or slow. But it made a catchy
tagline for the ad campaign, so the
company executive went for it.
Blair
McDonald
It's a sign of the impending apoc-
olypse. We're going to see people
jumping up in class, waving signs
labelled John 14, or wearing sandwich
boards lettered with the phrases
"Recant, die end is near!".
I almost hope the end is
near. At least then I won't
have to catch up for the last
three weeks of missed
schoolwork.
C^-"-}
In other news, our dearly
beloved rag, the paper we
love to hate, The Ubyssey will soon be
resurrected from its premature death
and once again terrorize the students
of UBC. Strike that last bit. I meant to
say "expand their intellectual boundaries", but it came out a bit differently
the first time.
Its return accompanies a rather
interesting shift in the philosophy
behind student politics here at UBC.
Now, this might be the first time you
hear this - The 432 being the first
paper to carry the results - but four of
the five Executive are from the Action
Now slate, along with both the Board
of Governors representatives.
I think it fair to say the new
Executive don't share many of the
goals, objectives and priorities of the
current Executive. This may cause friction, to put it politely, since Council
will not turn over until May 1, with
many existing Council members
already planning to run again.
One school of thought (obviously
not the only one) holds that the
incoming people are left-wing, radical
etceteras, and this marks the end of
the student society as we know it.
Debate among yourselves if this is a
good or bad thing - the only common
concensus is that most people don't
care.
I've got a new theory. Personally, I
don't think the structure of the
bureaucracy will allow either left, or
right-wing politics to exist as they do
on paper. Everything will be dragged
to middle-of-the road, forced there by
all the checks and balances of the system. I think it will all work out for the
best in the end.
And if it doesn't - well, that's OK,
too. After all, most people view the
AMS as irrelevant, which is exactly
what it will be if the year is spent by
all sides blocking the others.
But there'll be tons o' great stuff for
The 432. You gotta luv politics.
rr woni W0*n.
\-r\ tw MUCH U*£
TXyiNei to mse eucm
C0NTWL RErRCAcnVE.
I    LOAN REMISSION
APPLICATION
ssr
*»///////////?
Problems with student loans.
The
EUS Unity and
Goodwill Committee
has been formed to address negative attitudes
towards people based on sexual orientation,
race, gender, class, ability and other criteria.
There are funds available for projects whose goal is to change attitudes and promote acceptance across campus. We are now accepting proposals, these projects proposals should contain contact name,
telephone numbers and information on any other funding sources,
where applicable.
Proposals will be reviewed by the Committee. Successful applicants
will be requested to make a presentation regarding their project.
Proposals are due February 10, 1995 (SUB Box 151). Late submissions will be accepted (with priority given to those submitted by
the deadline).
t:
ie committee will look favourably upon detailed and specific proposals which have the potential to reach a large number of students.
Questions and proposals can by addressed to:
EUS Unity and Goodwill Committee
Alma Mater Society of U.B.C
AMS Business Office, Room 266
SUB Box 151
Vancouver, BC V6T 1Z1
p5SD3 ALMA MATER SOCIETY Monday, January 30,1995
THE        FOUR        THIRTY-TWO
Skill-testing
Examination
Can you fill in the following?
The
dog jumped
over the picket fence.
Congratulations! You're
qualified to be a columnist!
We're always looking for
writers and artists. Talent is
obviously not necessary, so
why hot give it a try?
for The 432.
LOOK, FREE STUFF!
•*• Contest One •••
Valentine's Day Poetry and Prose
The 432 is offering free space to all
those lovers out there without any
idea of what to get that significant
other on the Day of Love. Write
him/her a eloquent poem, or if
you're really desperate, plagiarize
from Tennyson and Shakespeare.
Please limit yourself with regards to
length, or we 11 be forced to edit your
entry to make it seem like it's actually meant for your ex-.
The best original entry (as judged by
our staff) will receive a cruise trip
for two to the Bahamas Islands. Just
kidding. You'll get nothin' from us,
buddy.
An EasyGuide™
Recipe for Winning
Student Politics.
1. Take five people.
Any five people will do. They need not have any pertinent qualifications or
experience.
2. Add catchy slogan.
This is critical to the success of your campaign. It is important to pick one that
is eye-catching, one that will draw voters to your slate like flies to honey.
Picking a slogan is much like choosing tomatoes; you want one that's nice a
firm. Squishy ones like "Think Blue" will only last a few hours without refrigeration before spoiling. Also, you should pick one that actually gives away your
platform. "Students for Doing; Nothing" is far too explicit for any respectable
political types.
A good slogan promises nothing concrete. A great slogan will imply that the
candidates using it are forward-thinking individuals who will fix all the problems immediately, without coming out and saying how that is to be done.
Slogan should also convince students politics is all about radical change, drawing the connection to student activism in the '<50s. This will especially appeal to
the hemp-smoking population, and to the hemp-smoking wannabees, mostly
Science and Engineering students who identify more with Porky movies rather
than Revenge of the Nerds.
3. Promise the world.
Since voters rarely remember anything after the first week of office, make
every promise you can, even the ones you can't keep. Promise an end to elitism,
social injustice, world hunger, environmental abuse, racism, political incorrectness and those really disgusting chili dogs from Snack Attack.
Voters will come out in herds for that last one.
4. Poster the hell outta campus.
In order to properly poster a campus the size of UBC, a slate requires at least 3
old-growth trees for paper. You also need 4 gallons of non-renewable oil reserves
to make enough masking tape, and a new strip mine will have to be started for
your staples. Finally, 73 toxic chemicals will be dumped by an evil corporation
into a fish-breeding stream in order to provide your inks.
However, to preserve your environmentally friendly image, make sure you
print on beige coloured paper, and conspiciously include a tiny recyclable symbol in the top left hand corner.
5. Slam everyone else.
Don't bother going out and researching the issues. It's simply not necessary,
ever since Webster's Third Collegiate had the following entry under corrupt,
corrupt \ke-rupt\ (n): evil, dastardly, black to the core, referring to inherently devious people trying to destroy everything important to the fabric of
society. See entry under student politicians.
Simply ensure you add corrupt, fascist, Stalinist, or any of the other approved
descriptors every fifth or sixth word during your campaign.
By following these easy steps, almost anyone can win a student election. In
fact, we're so sure, we're willing to offer a money-back guarantee to anyone
using this product during the next six months.
Offer void for qualified candidates and the living-impaired.
hQuj
LUUJ
Monday
February 6
4:32pm
r ^
Gym Night February 3
Osborne Gym A/B
9:30pm • Free Food
Rosagrams on Tuesday,
Feb 14 at Chem Building
Chem Grad Cruise
April 22 • 8pm - 1am
27.50 per person THE
FOUR       THIRTY
T   W   0
Monday, January 30, 1995
Better grades? Hah!
YOU'RE COMING home one afternoon, after a long and tiring
chemistry lab, wherein you have spent
the last three hours of your life trying,
perhaps unsuccessfully, to turn a
beakerful of bluish fluid into, well,
another beakerful of bluish fluid, all in
order to appease the vengeful gods of
Chemistry 122. You calmly open your
mailbox. Bills, bills, a notice saying
that you have just won a million dollars, more bills, a letter from the office
of the Dean of Sciences, more bills...
Whoa! Back up a minute there.
Carefully, you tear open that little
letter. A small piece of paper flutters
out. Your hands start shaking, sweat is
breaking up on your forehead. Be
calm, you think, it's only a letter inviting you to lunch with the Dean, or
maybe informing you that all your
extra-curricular work has been so
exemplary that the office of the Dean
itself has taken notice, that's all, it's
not what you think, it can't be, it's too
early, your statement of grades can't
have arrived so soon.
Alas, it is not to be. One look at that
paper confirms it. You let loose a loud
string of expletives which immediately
kills every small invertebrate in your
vicinity and cause your grand motherly next door neighbor to collapse in a
spastic heap. You continue to swear as
you stare at percentiles which more
resemble the average temperature of
Vancouver in the summer (in Celsius),
or perhaps the combined IQof several
high-school gym teachers.
Then you say the words that every
student has said since the dawn of
recorded schooling: "I swear I'm going
to get better grades this term!"
This is, of course, easier said than
done. (I mean, if it were actually harder said than done, then you're either
inflicted with a speech condition or a
member of the Church of the Sub-
Genius).
Thus, as a public service, we at The
432 proudly present: The Second Term
Guide to Better Grades.
First on your list of things to do is to
buy a Keener Special. You know what
I'm talking about, those little four-
color Bic pens which make your lecture hall sound like it's been infested
by a colony of rabid beetles every time
your prof whips out a beautifully illustrated diagram. Keener Specials can be
found wherever keener equipment
(like pocket protectors, or little laser pointer pens) can be
found. Be sure to buy one of
the blue and white Bic pens.
It has to be recognizable as a
Keener Special. Any other version just won't do, for reasons
to be explained below.
Secondly, you've got to
crack open your textbook. By this I
mean to open it at several key locations so that the spine develops those
little creases. You don't actually have
to read the thing (unless the sudden
shock from the exposure to your statement of grades has turned you into a
raving masochist). Just make sure you
crease the spine. It doesn't hurt to toss
the book around your room a couple
of times (just don't put dents in your
walls, as your landlord won't usually
accept excuses of "textbook damage"
when he calculates the amount to
deduct from your security deposit).
You may even want to randomly
highlight some passages and thumb
through the pages. This can be done
anywhere, at any time — such as at
the Pit on Wednesdays, or on a really
bumpy bus. A good time is usually
during classes, provided that you're
thumbing and highlighting through a
textbook appropriate to that class.
Remember, what you're highlighting
doesn't have to make sense, it just has
to look good.
Thirdly, at any point in the lecture
(especially if the prof is in the middle
of a long and convoluted explanation)
raise your hand and ask any question
which comes to mind. Remember to
pepper your question with as many
polysyllabic words as you can. The
more obfuscating your question, the
more likely the prof is to tell you that
your question has "raised some interesting points. Why don't you come
see me after class." (Don't worry about
this part. When you do go to see him,
just tell him that, because of the brilliance of his lecture led you to an
insight which helped you out of your
mental quagmire.)
Fourth, and perhaps the most
important point in this lecture: sit
close to the front of the room.
Generally, front row, middle column
will place you within enough range
for the prof to actually stare into the
whites of your eyes. This is the optimum prof-impressing range. This is
Jay
Garcia
Wine and Cheese Social
Thursday, February 3
7 -10pm
SUB Partyroom
why you buy the keener pen
and crease (and thumb
through, and highlight) your
textbook. If you look like a
keener, and sound like a
keener, then the prof will
assume that you are a keener.
More importantly, it will also
cause other keeners to assume
that you are one of them.
This is a very, very important facet
of your plans. Since you look like a
keener, but will actually have a life
outside of school, you will be the
object of envy of the many keeners
who secretly desire lives of their own,
and will gladly share their expertise
and experience with you in order to
live out the lives they wished they
had, however vicariously, through
you. This is more useful in classes
where a large percentage of marks
comes from your homework (or, more
appropriately, homework whose content you've obtained with the help of
your keener friends).
And, in any case, if any of the above
fails to impress your prof or pad your
marks, there's at least the option of
taking one or two keeners down with
you. Show them the wonders of the
Pit on a Wednesday night. Take them
meet members of the opposite sex
(who, if you're lucky, will be attracted
to brainy individuals such as your
friends). This last ploy is extremely
useful when your prof grades on a
curve — lowering the high end will
make your mediocre marks seem to be
much than they really are.
The Alma Mater Society will have the
following positions available soon.
®
Members for:
External Affairs Commissioner
University Commission
Student Adminstrative Commission
Finance Commission
Students-at-large for the following
Renovations Planning Group
Commercial Services Planning Group
Communications Planning Group
Budget Advisory Committee
Code and Policies Advisory
Committee
Directors for the following Services
Joblink
Volunteer Services
Speakeasy Student Support
Student University Affairs Office
Orientations
Safewalk
Rentsline
Student Discounts
Assistant Directors for
Joblink
Orientations
(5) Ombudsperson
(6) Elections Adminstrator
For more information about these or other
opportunities, contact Janice Boyle, Vice
President in SUB 248 or call 822-3092
©
rams
m
ALMA MATER SOCIETY
UBC Student Government Monday, January 30,1995
THE        FOUR        THIRTY-TWO
John 8:9
ONE THING THAT I noticed
almost immediately after starting
work was the wide variety of people
that I was being exposed to. In fact, on
my very first day as a dishwasher way
back in my grade six summer, I
remember the sous-chef showing just
a little too much glee at dicing up the
beef for the hamburgers. It took me
two whole years to realize that restaurants buy their hamburgers already cut
into patties.
It was a painful memory that is just
the tiniest bit more durable
because he won't be able to
fulfill his promise of "cutting
out your tongue and eyeballs
before turning you into so
much fluffy pate" for another
fifteen years. So who's the
"little squealer" now, Guido?
I'd rather not talk about
that now, if you don't mind.
From that pleasant little
experience I went on to pumping gas
for a living. This way I got to meet
hundreds of wonderful, happy people
who really shouldn't be living on the
outside. It's not like any of them
offered to turn me into chicken souffle
or anything, it's just that you gotta
realize that you need to brush up on
your social skills when you think it's
an absolute roar to bet your buddy
Zeke a pack of smokes to see who can
first fling a lit match in the open gas
storage tank.
After several near-fatal incidents and
about six nervous breakdowns I decided it was time for a change of profession. I seriously contemplated taking
some time off to figure out which
tiny, isolated country I'd be living in
when 2010 rolled around. I was just
about to settle down under a tree with
a copy of the world atlas when an ex-
friend of mine marched up to me and
offered me a summer job working for
his dad. As it turned out, his dad
owned a local auto parts store and was
in need of a delivery driver.
Many of you out there may think
being an auto delivery driver is a lot
like being a pizza delivery driver. If I
ever meet any of you, you'E be needing a nose brace and a wad of paper
towels rather expediently. You see, the
two jobs have only one thing in common: they involve driving, and lots of
it. Nothing else.
Pizza delivery drivers get tips, in
fact, they get a tip at almost every
delivery, $2 there, $5 here, you'd be
surprised to see how fast it adds up
considering they make four or five
deliveries an hour. To say the least, I
didn't get tips.
Pizzas, on the average, usually weigh
a hell of a lot less than transmissions,
and the people expecting them
haven't been swearing at a 72 Dodge
since 9am. As well, no matter how late
you arrive, they still want their pizza
as it doesn't mean that they have to
go back to work in order to mount it
in a vehicle of some sort. They also
John
Hallett
don't usually possess really large
wrenches and crow-bars.
Then there was all the fun I had
when I wasn't out driving my van. I
remember the sheer joy of off-loading
3 tonnes of car batteries in the midday sun. I also remember what I
smelted like after... so do my friends,
in fact, I don't think they'll ever let me
forget.
Needless to say, I quit.
Now I'm working on my most
recent job (last issue). In fact,
I'm at work right now. I'm
not doing work or anything
drastic like that, I'm just at
work... getting paid... for writing an article that I would of
written anyway. There are
down sides, however, like the
people I work with. Not all of
them, just some, there's this
one guy: Dave. (Inside joke:
everyone here is named
Dave) Dave has this nasty
habit of <unfortunately, this portion
of Mr. Hallett's article had to be censored as no publishable phrase could
adequately describe the action that
was here. We at The 432 have been
censoring stuff since 1987, and
frankly, this made us sick>. Now do
you understand?
The thing with the Daves is that
they (for the most part) work on our
technical support line. So what we
wind up with is this:
• People buy our product (I have no
idea what that is)
• People get home, unpack their
new purchase, and realize that they
have no idea what-so-ever how to use
it.
• People read the helpful manual
that is provided with our product,
which is, incidentally, written by
Dave.
• People get confused by the helpful
manual.
• People noticed the easy to use
technical support number.
• People call our technical support
and get some help from Dave.
• People try the help and realize that
they are still completely clueless.
• People call tech support and ask
for Dave. Dave kindly explains that
everyone in tech support is named
Dave, asks which Dave the customer
wants to speak to.
• The customer, already confused at
this point, replies'T'd like to talk to
Dave."
• Dave replies "Yes?"
• Customer snaps and goes to nearest store to purchase high caliber
assault rifle, discovers 14 day wait and
goes off to purchase some explosives,
which are surprisingly still legal.
Anyway, I think that I've rambled
on long enough about co-workers. So,
to sum up, they can be great, they can
be psychotic, and they can be just
downright sick.
LOOK, FREE STUFF!
••• Contest 2 •••
We're running out of ideas! Just kidding. We're
actually just getting too lazy to take the time to
create fascinating filler at 4 in the morning.
Some of us actually want to graduate sometime
in the next seven years.
So, we're reaching out to you, our loyal reader,
to help us compile a handy-dandy idea file.
We want your random ideas, story concepts,
interesting quotes, joke ads or anything you
want to see printed in The 432.
Write your name and phone number on the
back so we can credit you when we finally use
your idea.
We'll select the best of what we receive by
February 6, and award the winner one of the
limited edition The 432 t-shirts. We'll also make
you honourary Editor for the next issue.
ADDfT/OMAL SPONSORSHIP FOR
Sc/fA/ce Wew '95 was
GiMRovsty PRomeo by
Gatoraos. Oomwo's PfZZA
AND SASAMAT PfZZA
Beyond First Year 1995
We would like to get your feedback on this programme. Please
complete this form and return it to:
Beyond First Year, c/o Faculty of Science
Dean's Office, BioSciences Rm 1505
Phone 822-9012 Fax 822-9020
How did you hear about Beyond First Year?
• letter <» ad
• class announcement     <i other 	
Did you find this event valuable as a way of gathering
information?
• very valuable
• somewhat valuable
• not very valuble
Which of these programs would you like to see represented
in the future?
If you were in charge of planning this program, what changes
would you make?
We appreciate the time you have taken to help us
improve this event. THE
FOUR
T   H
R   T   Y
TWO
Friday, January 13,1995
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A Brief History of Lateness.
HERE IT I SIT, at 9:52pm on a
Monday evening, writing my article for The 432. "Who cares?" you ask?
Well, I'm pretty sure the editor does,
judging from the way he
insists on holding that axe so
close to my head. See, my
article was due sometime earlier this afternoon, but like
everything else in my life, it
seems to be a wee bit tardy.
Running late seems to be a
natural state of being, and
I'm pretty sure I know why.
Somewheres around the beginning
of things, God created the universe, or
so the story goes. He finished the
whole damned thing in six days, rested on the seventh, and there hasn't
been a single construction job since
that has run ahead (or even within six
weeks) of schedule since. This natural
state of lateness is inherent in God's
design of the universe. Either the
world's clocks to run fast, our internal
clocks to run slow, or both. This
means that ever since that fateful first
week, we've always been late, and
always will be, since we're designed
that way (so you can put the axe away
now Blair, okay?). At first, I thought
that this was an accident; that in an
attempt to impress His foreman, God
decided to cut some corners so He
could finish the job early. After all,
Matt
Wiggiii
why do men really need nipples anyways? Why couldn't have God taken a
few mnutes before His coffee break to
redesign the human chest?
Now, I'm not so sure if it
was an accident. I actually
think that we're supposed to
be late. If I get to class five
minutes after it starts, then the
world is five minutes ahead of
me, which is normal. If I get
to class five minutes early,
however, I am trying to attend
an event that hasn't happened yet.
Think of it this way: if you watch TV
with live satellite hookup, you're seeing events that happened approximately 30 seconds ago, you're 30 seconds behind the world. It's not possible to see things 30 seconds ahead of
time on TV.
I looked up some related experiments at Main Stacks, and found that
back in the early forties, a group from
England attempted some experiments
in early body theory. Initial experiments proved that time is not conserved in the universe (i.e. in any
process, the overall lateness of the
universe increases.) Subsequently, it
was theorized that any body which
becomes early would exit the temporal leading edge of the universe, a
phenomenon known as the Early Bird
Paradox.)
Experiments were performed to
attempt to take direct observations on
early bodies. Due to disagreements
between members on the research
team, however they could never get
the project to run ahead of schedule,
and thus all experiments failed.
It is my own personal theory that
matter cannot exist outside the universe, so as soon as an object becomes
sufficiently early, it ceases to exist,
presumably turning into energy of
some sort, and possibly causing hillbillies in the southern US to believe
they've seen a UFO. This is probably a
very dangerous source of energy, however, as it is virtually impossible to
make a single object early without
becoming early with oneself. After all,
if you show up five minutes early and
then immediately leave, were you ever
there?
So now, you can be late with a clean
conscience, made worry free through
the miracle of science. Be late for
everything. It's better to be five minutes late for your final exam rather
than risk the chance of being converted to rapidly disassociating electrons.
Interested in Grad
School?
Informational lecture where
you'll learn everything you
always wanted to know but
were afraid to ask.
(for 3rd and higher year students)
Thursday, February 9th
12:30 MATH 229 Monday, January 30,1995
THE        FOUR       THIRTY-TWO
The EasyGuide™
Exec-o-matic
Are you alive?
Can you write your
own name without
assistance?
Are you willing to
sacrifice everything
you own to the all-
miighty God of
Science?
No, really?
Prove it.
IF YOU MANAGED to answer yes to any of the above questions, you're perfectly suited for a tour of duty with the SUS Executive. You'll get money for college, training during the summer, and a guaranteed job after graduation. You'll
see the world! Plus you'll make a difference to your country! No deal gets better
than this.
We understand you might have a few questions before you sign your seal life
John Henry on the dotted line. So read on, legionnaire!
President
Also referred to as "the person who takes all abuse on behalf of Science students everywhere", this position can actually be quite rewarding. Primary duty
is keeping all the other Exec from squabbling like a bunch of spoiled kids.
Internal Vice President
Person holding this job is responsible for ensuring the complete and utter
brainwashing of each year's crop of frosh. Equivalent of the "party whip" in federal politics. Masochists need not apply.
External Vice President
Expected to maintain good and proper relations between Science and the
other undergraduate societies, by any means necessary. This might involve, well
anything short of sacrificing live chickens during the Spring Equinox. Attends
AMS Council Meetings.
Director of Finance
Definite source of power at SUS. The person who holds the purse strings, and
constantly nags the rest of us to ensure we don't overspend. Also gets to roll
with 10 pounds of coins each week.
Director of Publications
Fully expected by everyone to chain himself (or herself) to the computer twice
monthly, and slave away until the paper is completed. Also expected to accept
ads, articles and the whatnot right until the last minute before publication. Gets
to refer to oneself in the editorial "we", and must have a grouchy disposition in
order to survive. Attends AMS Council Meetings.
Director of Sports
Spends most of her time shuffling students from team to team, minutes before
Intramurals' deadlines for team submission. Controls a massive budget for dispersal to Science teams. Also responsible for the honour, glory and prestige of
any SUS Executive sports teams, and traditionally held totally responsible for
any losses.
Public Relations Officer
Science's link to the oxxtside world of charities. PRO's over the last two years
have had lousy track records for academic success, with the current incarnation-
being the first ever to hold the position for an entire term. Primary duty seems
to be draining as many students as possible of their blood for the Red Cross.
Attends AMS Council Meetings
Secretary
Holder of the Holy Minutes, Bearer of the All-Mighty Agenda, the Secretary
has the most important portfolio of any of the SUS Exec. Ability to handle complex machinery a plus. Attends AMS Council Meetings.
Social Coordinator
Responsible for getting a weekly quota of finely brewed ale into the bloodstreams of each and every Science student. Is the one the RCMP searches for
when things go wrong during any of the many Science drinking binges events.
The Mundane
Dumpster
Tracy Mackinnon
AMS Report
In case some of you weren't aware
the last AMS meeting was during
Science Week. As a result, instead of
being a good, little AMS Rep and
attending the meeting, I was at the
CS3 Car Rally. I was darting across
Vancouver collecting odd items, most
illegally. After the Car Rally I attended
the mid-week Bzzr Garden. Of course,
I'd given blood that morning so one
cider (Thanks Orvin!) was more than
enough. So to those of you disappointed in me I have some comforting
words: we came in second in the car
rally (alas, two minutes behind our
closest competitors) and most people
don't read this column anyways.
Blair McDonald	
Editing the Bible for fun.
The paper might still be publishing.
I'm not really sure anymore.
Jesse Burnett
Bella Carvalho
The World of Sports
INTFIAMURALS IS looking for paid
volunteers. They will pay $5/hour or
5 points per hour per person for anyone who will do Route Patrol for the
triathlon/duathlon! The event is on
Saturday, March 11, and there are 4
hour shifts between 7am and 4pm.
Interested??? Call Tina Stephen at 822-
6000 or 822 9051
In other news, the Bandicoots (the
SUS v-ball team) still hold the record
for losing every game ever played...
but more than one ref has commented
on the team's loudness (not rambunc-
tiousness, not energy, not spirit, but
loudness!) Actually the team did not
do badly, despite playing with one less
team captain/president (he was "indis-
posecfthis weekend)
One day, Finland will be victorious.
Internal Stuff
YAHOO!! Beyond First Year was the most successful event of Science Week. I
would like to thank all the professors and students who helped out and all
the first years who attended. Next year we hope to have a larger venue and more
food. (A special thanks to Pie R Squared who did a rush order of pizza for us
when Dominoes didn't show) I would also like to really thank the First Year
Committee who worked really hard to pull the event together. The winners of
the Door Prizes are Tony and Charlie who won a free video rental each and
Suzanne Komili who won a grand prize of a Red Robin Gift Certificate.
Unfortunately we had to cancel the Twister Contest due to the lack of purchasable twister boards in Vancouver. So Sorry! We are still doing evaluations
for First Term Teaching Excellence Awards and keep an eye out for Second Term
nomination forms.
Nominations for SUS Council Executive positions will be opening on February
6 1995. The available positions will be President, Internal Vice President,
External Vice President, Secretary, Director of Finance, Public Relations, Director
of Sports, Social Coordinator and Director of Publications. If you're interested
come down and talk to our current execs and find out what we do.
Sub 67S'8" B-ball Tourney
Date: Sun, February 5
Deadline: by Feb 1
The European Open
Badminton Tourney
Date: Sat, February 11
Deadline: by Feb 8
The Heartbreaker
Volleyball Tourney
Date: Sun, February 12
Deadline: by Feb 8 THE
FOUR
THIRTY-TWO
Monday, January 30, 1995
My Achey-Breakey Head
EVER SINCE EARLY childhood, I've
been plagued by headaches. At
first, the explanation was simple: allergies. I have allergies up the
wazoo. I was one of those kids
who had to carry the bee kit
when hiking. The worst was
when I was actually lifeguard-
ing at a summer camp and got
stung while performing a res-
cue. The kid just hung onto      Wraeme
anybody now?"
Me: "Yeah, Candee Doll."
Friend: "That's pretty sad, Graeme.
Does she have real hair?"
Me (confused): "Uh, I
think so. Wanna come with
us to see a movie tonight?"
Friend:    "Pretty    sick,
Graeme."
Apparently they thought
my bathing suit as I puffed up   Kennedy   sne was inflatable. I began
into a moonball and washed
us ashore. Not only did I get a
headache from the allergic reaction,
and additionally from the adrenaline
shot, but just imagine bobbing into
dock pilings for half an hour until
somebody grabs you with a hunk of
driftwood.
Anyway, by this time I had found
newer and more devastating sources of
headaches. These ones had two X's
and they weren't beers. I'm talking
about women.
N-now, don't get up in arms over
this. Like, don't sue me or anything.
Men cause headaches, too. Just not
mine.
One was a real doll. I mean a real
Doll. As in that was her last name. Her
first name was Candee (two e's). My
first name was whipped (two p's). She
was a real cutie, but unfortunately
none of my friends ever met her. This
was due to some confusion.
Friend: "So, Graeme, are you seeing
buying Excederin in bulk.
Women cause much more pain than
they know, actually. It's part of that
male stoicism routine. I have a scar on
my forearm that has gone mostly
unnoticed; here's how I got it:
Her (innocently): "Can I borrow
your pen?"
Me (typically): "Sure, it's right here"
['Here' being right beside the chem
lab's heading mantle. Hiss. Grimace.]
"Here. You. Go."
Organic chemistry is a major
headache. It's all those 24 hour study-
fests that bring ya down. It's the caffeine, see. The stuff gets into your
brain, gasses up the Husqvama and
then just goes nuts on your ganglia.
Try to sleep with Leatherface romping
in yer synapses.
Roommates are a headache. You
know, the nocturnal kind.
Her (4:00am): "Oh, was my pasta
maker keeping you up?"
Me (through fuzzy tongue):
"Muthst... kill... roommate... Oooh!
Fettuthine!"
Writing articles is a headache. Not
so much because of stress, but because
you fall headfirst into the keyboard as
you bore yourself to sleep with your
own prose.
For that matter, dull lectures are a
headache. Again because of that perpetual snapping of the head as you
wake up suddenly and smack your
visual cortex against the wall behind.
Pretty colours, but sometimes you just
knock yourself out again anyway.
I've done this before. Used to sleep
in a bunkbed under the heating duct. I
woke up from some kind of nightmare
and smacked my head on the corner.
Strike One. Reeling from the pain, I
clasped my head and tried to rise
again. I had forgotten about the duct
and squashed my knuckles between
plywood and skull. Strike two. Now
that I was really pissed off I decided to
get the hell out of there. Somehow I
managed to forget the edge. My head
found it again. This time, however, I
was out like a light so at least I got
some sleep out of the deal.
Only on one other occasion have I
been knocked out cold like that. That
was The Great Bear Trap Incident.
It was the Autumn of 1980. Boy
George was inexplicably popular. VP
George was explicably not. The plan
was to bonk a bear silly by constructing a booby-trap in the woods behind
my house. Geoff (the soon-to-be-
banned-from-my-yard friend) helped
me assemble the apparatus: a rock precariously balanced on a tree branch,
tied by string to a chunk of plywood
which the bear would presumably not
notice, step on, and Bob's your uncle.
My mistake was in volunteering to
tie the plywood onto the string while
Geoff secured the rock above. It was
no Star-Trek styrofoam boulder that
landed squarely on my nut. The next
thing I remember seeing is Geoff's
dust as he "...ran for help."
So, I'm happy to say that the big
engineer in the sky was having a good
day when he designed the crash tolerance for my brainbucket. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking. No problems, here. Just like new. Yep. Now,
what was I writing about... Did I tell
you that I get headaches?
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