UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Mar 24, 1992

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"All the Ewes
That's Fit to Splint"
Congratulations to Ken Satake for his winning submission. Actually, he was the only one who understood the rules and submitted a single word rather
than a lull paragraph. Ken, your 432 shirt awaits...
The Newspaper For Science Students       Version 5.08  24 Mar '92
"Oh, did we have the
elections already?"
Apathy prevails as SUS's latest stab at democratic
representation goes unnoticed.
Ryan McCuaig
Assistant Editor
In the traditionally economical Science fashion, the new
SUS Executive were elected
with a minimum of fuss, muss
... and votes. In the election,
held March 11-13 behind the
CUPE picket line, 135 Science
students — out of more than
four thousand — participated in
the democratic process.
Elections Commissioner
Michael Hamilton, in his final
report, states that "(the strike)
prevented students who refused
to cross the picket lines from
voting." However, observing
the low voter turnout in last
year's Executive and Council
elections, Hamilton decided
that the election results should
be deemed valid. Voter apathy,
rather than a general aversion
by students to cross the picket
line, seemed to be responsible
for the results.
The results, as accepted by
SUS Council on March 19, are
as follows:
Uncontested Positions:
Carmen McKnight
113 Yes, 11 No, 2 Spoils.
External VP:
Roger Watts
105 Yes, 11 No, 2 Spoils.
Executive Secretary:
Stewart Hung
99 Yes, 23 No, 1 Spoil.
Director of Sports:
Jon Campbell-Smith
100 Yes, 15 No, 1 Spoil
Contested Positions:
Director of Publications:
Ryan McCuaig    87
Charlie Cho        30
Spoils 1
Director of Finance:
Patrick Lum:        104
George Athwal:   21
Spoils: 1
AMS Representative:
Janice Boyle: 97
Ed Ronyecz: 27
Spoils: 1
The position of Internal VP
is currently unfilled, and a candidate will be appointed by
Council at a later date.
Says Hamilton: "Special
thanks to all you buttheads who
didn't vote. It takes, what, three
minutes?" A plan for maximizing turnout at next year's election is alredy in the works.
Details are sketchy, but departing SUS President Giovanna
Vassone has begun a search for
new Poll Clerks within "the
An unidentified member of
Students For Fair Treatment,
the quasi-terrorist organization
believed responsible for last
week's heinous gluing of the
SUB locks, called the SUS
office to claim responsibility
for one of the spoiled ballots.
Leap Year celebrated as 52
plummet from Scotiabank tower
Kevin Phillips Bong
Roving Correspondent
city's leap year celebration,
held every four years in the
downtown district, drew a
large crowd of onlookers and
wellwishers who turned out to
watch this year's faithful take
the plunge.
The $80-a-plate extravaganza was held this year atop the
Scotiabank Tower, and featured live entertainment,
seafood buffet and open bar.
The audience was addressed
first by Mayor Gordon
Campbell, and then by famed
Swedish bungee-jumper
Krister Stenberg, who donated
a cheque in the amount of
$1000 to the Friends Of Leap
Year Celebrants Support
Group. Then, this year's participants were blessed and
absolved of their sin's, by special guest Rev. Jerry Falwell,
before the traditional Leap
Year ritual of leaping off the
569-foot skyscraper, onto the
street below.
This year saw 52 people
participate in the festivities.
Although this is a far cry from
the record of 328 set in 1988,
most experts agree that the
stock market crash of October
1987 contributed greatly to
that number. However, this
year was not without distinction; the heavy westerly winds
sweeping through the downtown streets helped Richmond
businessman Herb Pearson set
a new distance record of
109.41 metres, shattering the
old mark of 102.86 m set by
Jeremy "The Flying Squirrel"
Thomas in 1976. Other awards
went to West Van cabbie
Heinz Mann, for his impeccable quintuple-gainer in the diving competition, and to Elise
Johnson, who won the accuracy contest for landing a mere
2.17 m from the manhole at
Georgia and Seymour.
"This year's event was a
total success," said Bruce
Quinn, president of the Greater
Vancouver Leap Year Society.
The Society has staged the celebration on each of the last
five leap years, and has
enjoyed a steady increase in
support year after year. "The
event has certainly found its
niche in the community,"
added Quinn. He played down
rumors that the festivities were
going to be moved to the
shorter Toronto Dominion
Tower for the 1996 celebration, saying simply, "We feel
that the event makes a bigger
splash with the taller building."
A good game of Hacky-Mouse would never fail to break
the monotony down at the Behavioural Sciences Lab.
'68030    95820™ The Four Thirty-Two   Version 5.08 X 24 Mar'92
12:30 SUB Parltyroom
'Teaching <E?(cellence Awards
Meet the new 'Executive
All Science Students Welcome!
Bone marrow and a smile for Colin
David Way
SUS Archivist fTofu Eater
The Colin's Smile campaign
has focused much attention on
bone marrow transplants and
the shortage of compatible
unrelated donors needed when
a suitable family member cannot be found. While four year
old Colin Beechinor got his
transplant several weeks ago,
some of the goals of the society started after his diagnosis
are still being worked on. In
particular, the need to raise
awareness of unrelated bone
marrow transplants (BMTs)
and the shortage of unrelated
donors on the Red Cross
At all times, there are a
large number of patients on a
search list waiting to hear if a
donor has been found in
Canada or through the
International Registry.  Many
of these people will die before
finding a match. The only way
to change this situation is to
increase the number of registered donors. Many people
hesitate only because of a lack
of information on what is
involved in the testing process.
Hopefully information presented here can change this.
Matching donors and
patients is done by comparing
markers called Human
Leukocyte Antigens (HLA-
type) on the outside of white
blood cells so only a small
blood sample is required.
Contrary to popular belief, a
painful bone marrow sample is
not needed. In general, you
just have to be eligible to give
One must attend an information session and then wait to
be called in to give a small
blood sample. If at some time
you are matched to a patient,
you will be asked whether you
still want to be a donor. More
detailed tests are then carried
out. Bone marrow donation is
done under general anaesthetic
and results in a temporary feeling of soreness around the
pelvic crest bones where the
sample is removed from.
The stem (or constantly
dividing) cells in the center of
bones produce all the cells in
the blood including red blood
cells for oxygen transport,
platelets for clotting, and a
family of white blood cells
responsible for immune
response. Transplants are
sometimes necessary for a cure
in some cases of leukemia,
aplastic anemia, myelodysplas-
tic syndrome and non-
Hodgkin's lymphoma. In all of
these cases, something has
gone wrong with the production of blood cells, perhaps
overproduction of immature,
nonfunctional lymphocytes or
an absence of all cells.
A transplant involves
destroying the patient's marrow with chemotherapy and
sometimes irradiation. The
donor has some marrow
extracted under general anesthetic and this is then trans-
fuseu into the patient's general
blood circulation. The marrow
will be replaced in the donor's
bones over the following
weeks. The stem cells will
migrate, by an unknown mechanism, into the spaces of the
patient's bones and lodge
there. They then start producing blood cells of all types.
There is a phase between
chemotherapy and reconstitu-
tion of the immune system of
the patient when they are
extremely vulnerable to infections, particularly respiratory.
As with all transplants, there
is the possibility of a patient
rejecting the transplanted tissue. But because the marrow is
the seat of the immune system,
there is also the possibility of
the marrow rejecting the
patient! This Graft-Versus-
Host Disease (GVHD) is manifested as skin rashes, diarrhea
and gastrointestinal pain as the
intestinal lining is attacked,
and liver dysfunction. Despite
recent advances in drug treatment, this form of rejection is
still a major complication of
The racial aspect of lymphocyte matching is worth mentioning. There are literally millions of possible combinations
of antigens so a large number
of donors is necessary to have
any chance of finding another
person with the same or very
similar set of antigens.
However, specific markers are
much more common within
ethnic groups. If a certain
patient has no members of
their racial group on the registry, their chance of finding a
matched donor are virtually nil
(and they weren't great to
begin with). Thus the need is
great to motivate all groups to
register. Waiting until a member of their family is in desperate need of a transplant is not a
good strategy.
For the dates and places of
upcoming information sessions, call the Colin's Smile
Bone Marrow Society at 224-
Donations to fund testing
and buy related equipment can
be sent to the Society( a
national charitable organization) at #301-2200 Highbury
St., Vancouver V6R 1W6. Tax
deductible receipts will be
issued on request.
An Ode to Brian
'Brian Mulroney is my Shepherd
I shall soon want
He ieadeth me beside still factories
and abandoned farms.
0f& restoreth my doubt about the Tories
"He anointed my wages with taxes and inflation
So my spending runneth over my income.
Surely poverty and hard living shall
follow the Tories,
and I shall workjin a rented farm
and live in a rented house forever.
five thousand years ago, Moses said:
pickup your shovel, mount your ass
and I will lead you to the (promised Land.
five thousand years later, Pierre Trudeau said:
lay down your shovel, sit on your ass,
light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.
This year, 'Brian Mulroney said:
I will ta?cyour shovel, lqcl<iyour ass,
sell your camel and give away the Promised
I am glad I am a Canadian,
I am glad I am free,
but I wish I were a dog,
and'Brian... a tree.
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6 No. 4 replacement blades
2 sewing needles
20' surgical suture thread
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Finally! A sure-fire way to lose all the
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u Version 5.08 j? 24 Mar'92   The Four Thirty-Two
The truth, the whole truth, and then some.
Harry Tic
I know that the Bible is just
a part of one God's many ad
campaigns. However, as I
showed last issue, Christianity
was probably God's finest religion. It contains the best ideas
from Zoroastrianism and
Buddhism, and was so popular
that He had to create Islam just
to curb its spread. Christianity
is also the most screwed up
and fractionalized religion,
with everything from door-to-
door pamphlet pushers to
medieval Latin-babblers in
clown suits. This is a strong
indication that God had a hand
in its development. Indeed He
probably put more effort into
the Christian faith that He did
the rest of the Universe.
Christianity is also the ad
campaign that God intended, I
assume, for the people of
Western Civilization (though
knowing how well His plans
work out, we were probably all
really meant to be followers of
a giant styrofoam shrew-deity
named Larry). It is the religion that was targeted at people like me. So if I want a better understanding of God, then
the Christian doctrine would
be the place to look. That
means the Bible. The big
question is how to interpret it.
It is the trend in the evolution of Christianity that the
accounts in the Bible are first
treated as factual, and then dismissed as metaphorical only
when it becomes convenient or
necessary. This is because it is
normal to ascribe more weight
to the Universe than to the
Scriptures. When new facts
contradict the Bible, we dismiss the latter. After all, the
Universe is a lot larger—you
won't find many universes in
motel end-tables.  But is this
Patrick Redding
Editor-in-Chief and Executive Scapegoat
Assistant Editor Ryan McCuaig
Contributing Editors Morgan Burke, Jaret Clay,
Aaron Drake, Clement Fung, Mike Hamilton,
Derek Miller, Giovanna Vassone, Roger Watts
Writers Leona Adams, Kevin Phillips Bong,
Steve Leroux, Alexander M. Soshyet, Richard
Stephenson, Harry Tic, David Way
Editorial Manager Oppie
ART    and    DESIGN
Design Director Ryan McCuaig
Contributing Artists Mike Ewert, Patrick Redding,
David Sovka, Roger Watts
Director of Photography Peter Siempelkamp
Desktop Production Claude and Wile E.
Printer CollegePrinters, Ltd. Vancouver
Distributor Armies of the Night, Inc.
New President/Big Enchilada, Science
Undergraduate Society Carmen McKnight
Person You Don't Have To Suck Up To
Anymore, But She's a Nice Person So Why Don't
You Anyways Giovanna Vassone
24 Hen* 1>i1,Vnk»5.M
T/xs^has been knovm to appear ttweelcy, and irs published bythe
Scfcnat Undergraduate Socwty of UBC, Somewhere close to Main MaH
and University 8M. If you feafywant to send mail, send it c/o the Dean of
Sewnce. I redly wish J could find Jie address right now, but this is going ti
press rn fifteen minutes so you1! have to find the place yourself. And stop
reading sirs part Ifs bad fof your eyes.
view correct?
The Universe, as I've
shown, is just this big crummy
vacuous thing that God created
on his spring break. The
Bible, on the other hand, is the
key to His most well thought
out ad campaign. Who's to
say then that the Universe is
more important? They are
both just creations of God.
Furthermore, the Bible is
God's Testament to man, and
the word testament has the
same Latin root as testimony,
namely testis, meaning witness
(how testes, meaning narcls,
fits into all this, I have no
idea). Now it is common
Western procedure for a witness giving testimony to swear
on the Bible to tell the truth,
the whole truth, etc., so help
him God! Shouldn't it work
both ways? I mean if God is
giving testimony and asserting
it to be true ("Verily I say un to
thee...") then isn't that like
swearing on (in) the Bible, so
help Him God? Hence by
Western legal standards, the
Bible should be accepted as
the Truth. (Nails God on a
legal technicality! Like to see
L.A. Law's Tommy Mullaney
try that!)
But what about when reality
and the Bible don't agree?
Well, I shall go a step farther
than the average Christian, and
accept the Bible to be DEFINITIVELY correct. If reality
then conflicts with the Bible, it
is reality that is being
metaphorical. This way, I do
not have to re-tool my interpretations every time some
annoying fact comes into conflict with them. I simply reinterpret the fact.
Perhaps I should explain
this more clearly. Consider
that the Universe can be
thought of as being like the
Bible given the following
Universe = Bible
space-time = pages
events = words
science = language
menstruation = periods
Thus, the Bible and the
Universe can both be regarded
as books written by God.
When the text of these books
disagree, I am saying that it is
the Reality book that should
not be taken literally!
To illustrate this brave new
philosophy, let us consider that
the Bible asserts the Earth to
be at rest: "thou didst fix the
earth on its foundation"
(Psalms 104:5). Those of you
who are not in engineering,
however, may be aware that
there is a large body of evidence to the contrary. Indeed,
it is generally considered to be
true that the Earth not only
spins on its axis (just like
Madonna), but that it also
orbits the Sun. I do not dispute that this is a fact, but I
must consider it to be a
METAPHORICAL fact, since
according to the Bible the
Earth does not move by definition. In other words, the fact
that the Earth moves is not to
be taken literally; it is but a
figure of speech in the Reality
book. To me, it suggests that
the Universe is such an unsettling place that one can imagine the immovable being
moved. That is one interpretation.
Now this does not mean that
were I to plan a voyage to
Mars, I would disregard the
fact that the Earth moves. I
too am a part of reality, and
therefore a part of this
metaphor. I must act accordingly. Hence, with this radical
approach, it is possible to
accept the truth of the
Scriptures without having to
look like a moron.
Armed with this new way to
interpret the Bible, I can now
take a look at what it says
about God. So stay tuned for
the next issue when I'll discuss
the Old Testament, and the bit
about the frogs.
20th Anniversary of
the %nee of Listening
Unqualified existence, consciousness as
bliss, appears in the heart and arises as love,
which is Amrita Nadi, "bright." Love is the
original creative impulse. It is the generative
source and primary form of all creativity, all
manifestation. The man of understanding
appears as love, mad with love. He is not
narcissus. Creativity is love.
Da Avabhasa — The Knee of Listening
• AWAKEN your
cramp of self-
• LOCATE and
express your
Inherent Happiness.
• BE FREE to live in
spiritual intimacy
with the Divine
A day of spiritual retreat and celebration of Sri Da Avabhasa's
Appearance in the world. Join us for guided meditation, recent
video footage of Da Avabhasa, and leelas from students recently
on retreat at Sri LoveAnandashram. There will also be a
presentation celebrating Da Avabhasa's Teaching Work and the
20th anniversary of His autobiography the Knee of Listening.
£L C&teBration of Good Company
Saturday, April 11 - 12:30 to 5:30. Fee: $20.
Why not get involved?
\cieae^ iA&H$
Alexander M. Soshyet
Professional Pseudonym
At the end of the school
year, there are all kinds of
positions which open up in
student politics. Club
Executive positions, AMS
Committee positions,
Undergrad Society elections.... Why aren't you
Many of you may be thinking that it would be fun to
work for a club or society on
campus and you may be thinking of committing some time
to one of them. Some of you
may have even spoken to people already involved to find
out what it's like. Here's what
it's like.
David Sovka
Everyone in student politics
has a hidden agenda. This
should not be a surprise.
Usually, you will be asked to
help for "fun", and depending
on what you do, it can be.
However, you will run into
someone who you do not like,
and whose covert plan does
not appeal to you, or would
work so much nicer if you just
weren't around. In this situation, the most reasonable thing
to do is quit; you're time,
you're volunteer time, is better spent elsewhere.
And that brings us to the
subject of time. Are you willing to fail out of University?
Then don't get involved. Most
people who get into student
affairs graduate, but not with
the marks they would have if
they had concentrated on
school work. Are you willing
to spend time, a lot of time,
working with people, ostensibly on affairs relating to students, but really on someone
else's self-aggrandizing personal plan? How about working to stuff someone else's
resume, when you don't like
the person. Do you have trouble seeing how working hard
so some asshole can get a fine
title on his resume will, in the
end, help students? So do I.
This whole system relies on
naive people, such as yourself,
getting involved "for fun".
You will work, on your own
time, without pay, for projects
which may or may not interest
you, while ignoring school
work. The biggest mistake I
made in my undergraduate
career, bar none, was working
in student affairs. Don't do it. The Four Thirty-Two   Version 5.08 X 24 Mar'92
How to Give a
Cat a Flea Bath
I am blind as a bat when
it comes to domestic matters.
That is, I usually don't notice
dirty dishes until the sink falls
through the floor or else the
stack collapses under its own
weight and forms a miniature
black hole. As for clothing, my
cue to do laundry is when the
mound of dirty jockey-shorts
takes on a life of its own, and
starts nibbling the plants
(which have long since passed
on to the Great Planter In The
Sky. I'm not that observant
when it comes to watering
plants either).
When I notice that my cats
have fleas, a flea bath is long
overdue. I notice the fleas
because there are so many of
them. Usually, they're
clearcutting fur so they can put
in subdivisions.
I do NOT enjoy giving flea
baths to cats - especially my
cats, who have discovered the
theory of Mutually Assured
Destruction. But there are few
alternatives, short of a blowtorch, and I imagine that quite
a few cat-lovers would be
indignant if I used a
flamethrower. "You can't use
a blow torch," they would tell
me, "It's too hot. Try a flea
Ha ha! A Flea Collar! I
have long since suspected the
way flea collars work is that
they immobilize the fleas with
laughter. The Leader Flea
would cry,"Look! A Flea
Collar!" Then they would collapse into hysterics. That's
when you should pick up the
cat and shake it vigorously
until all the fleas fall off, still
tittering about the collar.
(There are other methods
to remove fleas, such as dunking your cat in a vat of Deep
Woods Off, but when the cats
lick themselves, their tongues
tend to swell up to the size of
Michael Jordan's Feet.)
That leaves you with the
only viable option: a Flea
Bath. Being an experienced
Flea Bath Technician, I can
give you a few helpful hints:
Helpful Hint #1: Get someone
else to do it for you.
Helpful Hint #2: Ask that person to get Blue Cross beforehand.
Helpful Hint #3: If they ask
you why, pretend that you
speak only Portuguese.
Eventually it will fall on
your shoulders to give your cat
a flea bath. If you have many
cats, it would be best to keep
them separated. Put the ones
that aren't being washed at that
particular moment in a soundproofed room, devoid of sharp
menacing objects that they can
use to defend themselves with.
Ease their fears about the flea
bath by denying that it exists.
"Yes sir!" You can gleefully pipe as you take the first
cat for its flea bath, "We're
going somewhere where there
aren't any flea baths! Ha ha!
No flea baths here! Just lots of
mice! And curtains to shred!"
The best place to give a
flea bath is not, by the way, in
the kitchen sink. The best
place is Los Alamos National
Laboratory, because they have
remote handling equipment for
nuclear materials. You can use
giant robot arms to manipulate
your cat while you are safe and
snug behind six feet of lead
shielding. Unfortunately, Los
Alamos has a nine-month
backlog of flea bath applicants,
so you may be forced to do the
flea bath at your own home.
You'll want to use the bathtub.
It will contain most of your
blood as it spatters.
Try to relax your cat
through either a lengthy tout
of stroking its fur while you
talk gently to it, or by whacking it on the head with a ball-
peen hammer. WARNING:
Whacking the cat with a ball-
peen hammer is very risky, for
the cat may regain consciousness during the flea bath, and
may wrestle the ball-peen
hammer from you and use it
against you. Instead, you may
want to show it a
Constitutional Conference to
send it into a stupor.
Gently pour warm water
over the cat, all the while reassuring it Quickly work in the
3hampoo until it is bubbly and
frothy. When the fleas come to
the surface to find out what the
heck is going on, you must do
your best to remove them.
Offer to sell them Amway
products or, better yet, to set
them up as (!) Independent
Distributors. The intelligent
will flee in terror, and you can
quickly wash them down the
drain. As for the slower ones,
keep your sales pitch going
until they reach for their
checkbooks, and then shake
the cat vigorously until, their
guards lowered, the fleas all
fall off. Rinse your cat, pat it
dry with a towel, and as it
comes to consciousness, get as
far away from it as possible.
After all this trauma, you
will still have to deal with the
Post Traumatic Stress
Syndrome, quite prevalent
when the system withstands a
very stressful experience. But
if you have a long hot bath and
sip an iced tea, you should
Hey, Kids!!
is sponsoring a new contest!!
Well, Mike Tyson's in the pokey again. But for how long? This question brings us to The 432's
Got an idea of how long Iron Mike
will be down & out? Five years? Ten?
your guess to The 432 by Friday,
March 27th, or the day before the
sentencing ... whichever comes first.
The most accurate prediction will
receive a free 432 "This is your Brain
on Arts..." T-shirt. Don't hesitate to
be specific (ie. years until parole
eligibility, etc.)... the more specific
you are, the better the chance you
have of not tying someone else. And
we'd hate to have to give you half a
This Week on the Science Network...
Steve Leroux
No title, but some $ could fix that.
To commemorate the
International Day of Bad
Genetics Jokes (Friday, March
13), the Science Network
(channel 63 on cable) is proud
to offer a series of 1 Hour-specials, all based on that cult
genetics classic, The Fly.
6:00 pm : Genetics: A Casual
This stunning introduction
to the series features a collection of short presentations by
some of the world's most
prominent scientists. Narrated
by David Suzuki, these films
are a fascinating adventure into
the minds of those who think
they know more than the average human being. Carl Sagan
recieved an Oscar for his short
segment, entitled "Genetics
and My Stupid Spaceship" in
which he explores the
BILLions and BILLions of
atoms which comprise the
BILLions and BILLions of different DNA combinations
which are the building block of
the BILLions and BILLions of
different species which exist
on earth.
This film is also of special
note because it was the last
special made by Carl Sagan.
Shortly after filming, an out-
of-character David Suzuki
massacred him in a horrible
combination murder-suicide.
The note which was left by
Suzuki stated quite simply
"BILLions and BILLions of
pieces of him, scattered all
over the room". It was
believed that this final act was
the motivating force for the
UN declaration of February 29
as International David Suzuki
7:00 pm The Fly 3
After becoming afflicted
with a horrible disease which
causes him to periodically
transform into a werewolf,
rock star Michael Jackson
seeks out the help of genetics
and teleportation genius Eric
Stoltz. In a horrible act of pure
maliciousness, the mad scientist mixes Jackson's genes
with those of a fly. Jackson
ends up spending the rest of
his life walking into plate glass
windows, unable to reconcile
the fact that you can SEE
through them but you can't
WALK through them.
Jackson suffered severe
facial lacerations after walking
though several real windows as
preparation for his part. In a
post-filming Barbara Walters
special, Jackson was quoted as
saying. "Sure, it hurt, but I'll
do anything for more plastic
9:00 pm The Mosquito
Hopkins and Foster recreate
their incredible roles from The
Silence of the Lambs in this
stunning romantic sequel.
After an international chase,
Clarice and Lecter fall in love
and move to a sheep farm in
southern Wales. While Clarice
spends her days in the barn
screaming at the lambs, Lecter
turns his evil genius to teleportation research. One fateful
afternoon, Clarice stumbles
into Lecter's lab and has her
genes mixed with those of a
preying mantis. After an especially passionate night of love
making, Clarice's new genes
begin to assert themselves and
she bites Lecter's ear off.
Lecter's plan to win her over
to his ways is now complete;
together they start a cannibalism cult and live happily ever
11:00 pm The Worm
Chaos turn to comedy in this
laugh-a-minute romp featuring
Robin Williams in a reprise to
his role from "The Fisher
King". After finally accepting
his wife's death, Williams
remarries and turns to teleportation research. The terror of a
failed experiment turns to
sheer delight as Williams
unknowingly teleports while a
common earthworm is in the
teleportation pod and spends
the rest of his life crawling
naked across parking lots
every time it rains.
1:00 pm The Worms
In remarkably true-to-life
roles, Clay and O'Conner set-
tie their differences and team
up in this steamy satire.
Andrew "Guaranteed to
Offend" Clay play a parasitic
asshole of a scientist who gets
pushed into his still-unfinished
teleportation pod by his bald-
and-bitchy girlfriend after a
night of fighting. The teleportation machine mixes Clay's
genes with those of the parasites of his small intestine. In
an ironic twist, Clay takes on
the personality of a common
liver fluke, and no one can tell
the difference. He spends the
rest of his life trying to further
his species by yelling "EAT
ME!" at everyone he sees.
Continue to watch here for
more incredible special from
the Science Network in the
coming months! Version 5.08 M 24 Mar'92   The Four Thirty-Two
Dik Miller, Campus Enforcer
Derek K.
It was a dark and stormy
No wait, start over.
It was a pale and mild
evening. The last rays of the
setting sun were dimming like
the last fading hopes of
European colonialism.
Hold it. That sucks too. Try
Call me Ishmael.
Forget it.
I was sitting with my feet
propped up on the desk in my
office, a tiny warren in the
depths of the Civil and
Mechanical Engineering
Building. It could have been a
dark and stormy night, but I
would never know, since my
office has no windows.
I'm Dik Miller, Engineering
Political Correctness Enforcer.
Danger is my job. Adventure is
my life. Morality is rny
handmaiden. Dennis Miller is
not my favourite talk show
The phone rang.
"Dik Miller, Engineering
Political Correctness Enforcer,
at your service," I answered.
"Get up here, Miller." It was
my supervisor.
"Right away."
I moved to stand up, but
realized too late that I had
forgotten to take my feet from
the desk first.
When I regained
consciousness, I made a quick
check of my surroundings and
surmised that I was lace down
on the floor next to my chair,
which was a logical place to be.
The phone rang. I stood and
reached for it.
"Dik Miller, Engineering
"Where the hell are you?" I
was my supervisor again. "You
said you'd be here right away,
and that was ten minutes ago!"
"Er...I'm on my way."
"Damn well better be."
I brushed myself off and
jogged down the corridor and
upstairs to my supervisor's
office. She did not look happy.
"What's up?" I said cheerily.
"You're not going to believe
this," she said.
"What? You saw Elvis this
morning? Your neighbour is
actually an ancient Maya rain
god? You suddenly discovered
you have an extra toe?" I
thought for a moment. "Or is
Kurt Preinsperg graduating this
year?" I laughed. "Now that I
wouldn't believe."
"No," she replied sternly.
"The Electrical Engineers are
building a missile to launch at
the Women's Centre."
I stared at her.
She stared back.
I continued staring.
"So do something about it,"
she demanded.
I was in a quandary. Should I
explain that I had encountered
an obnoxious drunk on the bus,
and had insulted him, at which
time he turned out to be a
Vancouver Sun reporter, whom
I encountered again the next
day and, in a vengeful mood,
convinced that the EE's wen:
building an Inter-Building
Ballistic Missile (IBBM) to be
aimed at the AMS Women's
Centre in the Student Union
Building? And that I gave him
my name as that of Axel
Meisen, Dean of the Faculty?
"Don't just stand there," my
supervisor harrumphed. "Get to
I made a hasty rearward
retreat from her office.
Fifteen minutes later, I was
on my way to Blue Chip
Cookies for a steamed almond
milk when the headline of a
newspaper caught my eye.
Geers Go Too Far, it read, I
grabbed the paper and started
Engineers have been accused
of terrorism on an international
scale because of..."
"Hey! I was reading that!"
I turned to see a rather
angry-looking young student
with his hands on his hips.
"This?" I asked, holding up
the paper.
"Yes! I was walking along
reading it when you snatched it
out of my hands!"
"Oh," I said.
Engineers have been accused
of terrorism on an international
scale because of a missile they
are designing and intending to
aim at the UBC Women's
Centre. In the wake of the theft
of the American Rose Bowl
and the annual placement of a
Volkswagen Bug in an odd
location (this time, Lost
Lagoon), it has been revealed
that students in Electrical
Engineering are designing
what a source close to the
faculty called an 'Inter-Building
Ballistic Missile,' or IBBM, to be
aimed at an office in the
Student Union Building used
by the Women's Centre.
"Engineering Undergrad
"Now what?" I asked,
spinning around.
"I want that paper back!"
"You should have said so." I
reached into my pocket and
brought out my Dik Miller™
spark plug gapper/pizza
cutter/stun gun and gave him a
brief zap. He crumpled to a
heap on the pavement.
I do not tolerate people who
get in my way when I'm
getting a steamed almond milk.
I went back to reading.
"Engineering Undergrad
president Adam 'Boomer"
LaRusic denied any knowledge
of the plans. 'I don't think any
of those EE's could figure out i
how to build [a working missile] I
anyway,' he said. When asked !
what he thought of the beer he !
was drinking at the time, he i
replied that it was 'fucking f
"The Dean of Engineering
was unavailable for comment,
but the President of the UBC
Alma Mater Society, Martin
Ertl, stated that the
construction of nuclear devices
aimed at destruction of on-
campus groups was 'definitely
not standard procedure.'"
"Excuse me."
"Yes?" I looked up. All I
managed to see was the
sneering face of the student
from whom I had borrowed the
paper and the end of a two-by-
When I regained
consciousness, I was in a ditch.
The paper was gone. My
steamed almond milk craving
was even stronger. My pager
was beeping.
I stood up, brushed myself
off again, and made for the
nearest pay phone. My
supervisor had paged me. I
dialed her number.
"Dik Miller, Engineering
Political Cor—"
"Miller! Get back here! The
Electrical Engineers have
kidnapped the Sun reporter who
wrote the story about them. We
need you to rescue him."
At last, some real, honest-to-
goodness adventure that an ex-
private eye could really dig his
teeth into. I took off at a run for
the Electrical Engineering
I arrived to find my
supervisor, a number of my
former colleagues from Parking
and Security Services, and an
RCMP SWAT team outside the
Electrical Engineering club
room. I brushed past the
security forces.
"There you are," my
supervisor said. "They must be
doing something awful to that
reporter in there. He's babbling
nonsense; he says that Axel
Meisen told him about the
"You're kidding." I gulped.
"Well, I guess I'd better go in."
One of the RCMP constables
stopped me. "You shouldn't
take that risk. They said that if
anyone makes a move, they'll
stick a 9-volt battery on the
reporter's tongue, then move on
to other body parts from there."
I looked at him coolly.
"That's a chance I have to take.
I know how to handle this." I
pushed him aside and faced the
door, then shouted "I'm coming
OOOH! Spine-tingling, eh?
Watch for the thrilling
conclusion in the next issue of
The 432! (Don't you hate these
kind of endings?)
1. Cut along perforations.
2. Soften by rolling between hands repeatedly.
3. Wipe.
4. Flush.
1. Cut along perforations.
2. Soften by rolling between hands repeatedly.
3. Wipe.
4. Flush.
1. Cut along perforations.
2. Soften by rolling between hands repeatedly.
3. Wipe.
4. Flush.
1. Cut along perforations.
2. Soften by rolling between hands repeatedly.
3. Wipe.
4. Flush. The Four Thirty-Two   Version 5.08 X 24 Mar'92
Mind Games
Leona Adams
To begin, I'd like to respond
to Mr. Gilligson's letter in the
Valentine's Day issue. If Mr.
Gilligson had been paying
attention while he was reading
my article (perhaps with his
brain on), he would have
noticed that I wrote the article
not while cramming for
Microbiology, but over
Christmas holidays, three
weeks and five exams later.
That's not any excuse for the
oversight (which I thank him
for correcting), but since he
was criticizing me for not getting my facts straight, I
encourage him to do the same
in the future and wish him the
best of luck in his search for a
real life.
That wasn't a particularly
wise way to start out. considering that this issue probably
contains a letter clarifying that
Piccasso actually enjoyed a
relatively prosperous existence. I guess that's why people advise you to write about
what you know. I thought I
was writing what knew, but
my brain was feeling moody
because I actually expected it
to be productive during exam
period. Then, as if that
weren't enough, I expected it
to come up with some obscure
detail for an article. It wasn't
going to take it anymore. It
decided to retaliate with an
exhilarating round of "Pretend
to Forget Things", an especially popular game during finals.
The object is to prevent me
from getting a desired piece of
information by using whatever
distractions necessary, then to
find the most inopportune
time, preferably when I'm trying to get to sleep, to tell me
iCvvo° v &
the answer that I sought some
ten hours earlier. My brain is
somewhat akin to that one kid
at camp who always wants to
stay up later to talk, no matter
what time it is and no matter
how tired everyone else is. It
doesn't just want to chat,
either. It wants to remind me
of exactly how I screwed up
during the course of the day,
and what effect this demonstration of stupidity will have
on my future as a productive
citizen. Why do you think
people dream? With the
exception of exam periods,
most of my actions are routine
and don't involve that much
mental energy. At night, when
my body is dead tired, my
brain is ready to party, so my
tired body tells my brain to go
dream, in the same way that
tired parents tell their children
to go watch television.
Dreams are the Saturday morning cartoons of my body: they
don't have much substance and
are generally unrealistic.
Occasionally, I do dream the
possible dream, and my brain
tries to convince my that I
actually did what I dreamt
about, but usually I realize my
mistake before I make too
much of a fool of myself.
Actually, none of my brain's
tricks faze me anymore,
because I'm used to the fact
that it's quirky by nature. Not
to sound overly conceited, but
I have a brilliant selective
memory. Unfortunately, it's
not me who gets to do the
selecting. This is how I manage to remember the address of
the house my family moved
from when I was four, yet forget the names of half the girls
on my ball hockey team. I've
given up trying to figure out
why. All I know is that my
brain has a mind of its own.
G-Strings —
 The Final Chapter
Gio Vassone
Well, it's almost over. My
term as S.U.S president is coming to an end, and as of April
first of this year, I will be a
nobody. However, I have one
last meeting left to chair, and
guess what?? it's the Annual
General Meeting which means
free food, Teaching Excellence
awards, Executive Awards and
every science student is invited
to it. It's going to be March
26,1992 in the SUB Partyroom
at 12:30.
Along with Teaching
Excellence Awards, S.U.S
hosts a Black and Blue review
which is published in the summer guide mailout. This
review can prove very useful
when selecting professors for
your next year's courses, so if
you haven't filled out your
questionnaire yet, there is a
copy of one on the back page
of this issue. (You can bring it
to Chem 160 when you're
I really had a great time as
S.U.S president this year and I
hope that everyone in S.U.S.
this year had fun and before
my term does end I'd like to
thank a few friends. First off,
I'd like to thank my fellow
exec's,-I probably would have
had at least ten thousand nervous breakdowns in the
Gallery if it wasn't for their
support. I have special thanks
for everyone at the Dean's
Office and Irene Rodway from
Chemistry for all the much
needed held. I'd like to thank
Mike and Jon for the extra
shots of vodka in my greyhounds. I'd like to thank Dave
for putting up with all my shit
this year and still wanting to be
in the same room as me. I'd
also like to thank Antonia for
helping me put up posters in
bushes outside of Buchanan.
But most of all, I'd like to
thank God that it's finally over.
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The article that you are about to read is an
unabridged final draft, submitted to The 432. It was
not written by a high school student. It was not written by a junior high school student. The author is currently enrolled in the UBC Faculty of Arts, and has
passed English 12, ENGL 100 and the ECT! Names
have been changed to protect the guilty. We now present:
An Artsie's
Adventure in Grammar
The vast corridors of the
Buchanan Building harbor a
very deep and dark secret.
What's this you say, this is
the science paper surely the
location suggests that this
expose is more suited to that
fine institution of Art's journalism, "the underground"
(plug, plug). Well no, because
the secret concerns a former
science student who was a co-
editor of this very paper
allegedly. Also, the undergrounds other editor — Rob
Emmerson had informed me
that the subject of the secret,
let's call him "AD" had suppressed an earlier story in
'his' early 'life'. I thought
nothing more of the matter of
the storys suppression until
one day I heard a low gravelly high-pitch mexican acented
(sic) voice address me from
the elevator in my palatial res
house at Totem Park, "ehh,
you reporter-type perrson...
Ju wanta know 'bout Aaron
It turns out that my informant, whom I'll only identify
by his code-name — Agent
Cappuccino was an investigator from the university papers
ethics and standards commi-
tec (sic). He told me that
Aaron was just a made up
name used by editors to cover
up for themselves as a scapegoat if people found articles
offensive. I found this hard to
believe although I had never
actually seen Aaron just
talked to him on the phone...
Agent cappucino (sic), who
was perched on top of the elevator, told me the 432 editors
were worried that the ruse
was going to be exposed last
year so they had "Aaron" reiterate that he was from
Williams Lake, a far off village where no one else was
likely to have wondered why
they never knew this Drake-
person as a child. They also
had Aaron "graduate"
although he didn't leave university he "went" into Arts.
The editing room of the 432
is an open airy room and is
also the headquarters of the
SUS. This was now to high
profile so "Aaron" was
moved into Arts, the arts
paper is edited and put togeth
er in subterran (sic), high
walled, locked and isolated
room with security percau-
tions (sic) including a length
of wire preventing anyone
from climbing over the near
12 foot walls. Elaborate security for a newsletter to be
sure, and far away from the
AUS's office where at lunch
you can usually find Rob
Emmerson but never see
Aaron Drake. This was a serious accusation (sic) and I
went to underground headquarters, identified only by a
small AUS business card tilted on its side to avoid attention and no one was there.
This was singularly and more
than passingly strange as I
had been informed by a
source in the AUS office that
Aaron was there. I decided to
backtrack to the site of
Aaron's first "appearince"
(sic) the 432. The editor
Patrick Redding was sure he
had a photograph of Aaron on
file. He went through numerous photographs and even
opened the top secret file
identified only as "newsletter". There wasn't a single
photograph of Aaron Drake in
the entire collection. I asked
for a physical description.
Patricks reply was "He's got
blond hair, he's stocky — has
an earring and carries a briefcase —, No I mean attache
case." — a surprisingly nondescript description for a contributing editor to this paper!
And he clarified even this
intensely vague description.
Who, then really edited this
years "inside U.B.C"? a possible hint is on page 5 where
"they" printed 'Artist' singular not plural and list the
names Patrick Redding,
Aaron Drake. Also when I
phoned Aaron first his roommate answered even though
the call was for Aaron! There
was a brief pause and then a
voice came on the line and
identified itself as "Aaron".
Hopefully this will be published and this amazing ruse
exposed — if so both agent
Cappucino (sic) and I may be
in danger so if you see me —-
call me *Tex\
RS, Arts student and occasional Underground columnist, has been speaking and
writing in English since the
mid-seventies. Reading was
added only last year. Version 5.08 I? 24 Mar '92   The Four Thirty-Two
AMS Briefs
Michael! Hamilton
The AMS had its last regular meeting on Wednesday,
March 11 at the Regal
Ballroom of the Hotel Georgia.
There were two major motions
discussed. The intent of the
first was to put all fiduciary
responsibility for the AUS
Country Fair on the AUS. The
second motion was to amend! a
motion adopted by Council on
April 4, 1990. The April 4
motion was to accept the
Student's Court decision of
April 2, 1990, which said, in
effect, that the EUS should pay
$15000 restitution for damages
incurred by the publishing of
racist, sexist, and homophobic
material in the March 14,1990
issue of the nEUSletter. The
amendment considered on
March 11,1992 was; to add a.
note to the motion which
would make the restitution
order contingent on EUS fees
being collected for the 1990/91
school year. They were not.
The amendment passed, 18 for,
9 against, and 1 abstention.
During the discussion of an
EUS motion suggesting that
the EUS donate $10000 for
restitution, an EUS representa
tive collapsed, due to a recent
appendectomy, stress, and the
long meeting. The meeting
was adjourned.
On Thursday, March 19, ihe
AMS met for a special meeting
in the Hyatt to consider the
EUS donation motion. In its
final form, the donation was
for $15000, and the motion
passed. The next motion wa:>
to strike a Committee to
administer the EUS Unity arid
Goodwill Fund, as it is now
called. This Committee is
called the EUS Unity and
Goodwill Committee, and it
consists of three people recommended to Council by the EUS
and one person recommended
by each of the Native Indian
Student Association, the AMS
Women's Centre, and
GLUBC. The Chair will be
appointed from among
Council's ranks, and shall not
have a vote. The quorum of the
Committee is five, and all
decisions of the committee
must be reached by a consensus of those present.
This meeting was the last
one for me, I intend to send my
replacement, Janice Boyle, as a
proxy to the meeting on March
25. In the future, she will be
writing this column. Bye.
Senate Shorts
Clement Fung
Senate met on 19 February
1. The Admissions
Committee accepted the following statement: "That effective for the 1993 Summer
Session, a standing of C+ or
better in Mathematics 12 (or
equivalent) be required for
admission to the Faculty of
Science directly from secondary school." This revises a
previously accepted motion (29
October 1991) that such a
requirement be effective for
1992. The effective date has
been delayed to provide high-
schools and students more time
for planning.
2. The Faculty of Science
has decreased first year enrolment from 1312 down to 1200
for thel992-93 session.
(Actually, first year enrolment
was 1535 students; this excelled the 1312 limit approved by
Senate). Since first year GPA's
have increased, promotion rate
to second year has increased for
first year students. The Faculty
must control the overall undergraduate numbers by limiting
first year enrolment.  Note that
undergraduate enrolment has
reached a record high of 4469
for the 1991-92 session (up
from 4194 the previous session).
3. Membership has been
established for the Ad Hoc
Committee on University
Residences and the measures
taken for their improvement.
Senate met again on 18
March 1992:
1. The Faculty of Law will
admit up to 10 students per
year on a half-time basis (not a
general part-time program).
Students must demonstrate special needs due to factors such
as family responsibilities,
financial hardship, health problems or physical disabilities.
2. the Faculty of
Agricultural Sciences will limit
enrolment to 150 students first
year of the B.Sc. (Agr.) program for 1992-93. Following a
decade of declining admissions
to first year Science, the number of students admitted to first
year Agr. doubled last year
(from 48 to 95).
3. The administrative
responsibility for the School of
Family and Nutritional Science
will be transferred from the
Faculty of Arts to a more science-based Faculty of
Agricultural Sciences.
4. During the strike 10 years
ago, students were told to write
exams or fail. At yesterday's
meeting, Senate re-iterated and
endorsed the recently-created
policy regarding academic staff
and students in case of a strike
(devised by the Committee of
However, a number of stu -
dents are afraid that some
teachers would not be compliant to or unaware of the policies and would inappropriately
penalize students.
Carole Forsythe, student
Senator, presented a motion in
an attempt to clarify the sometimes general policy to the
effect that students would not
be responsible for "academic
repercussions" of the strike.
Senate did not accept what v.'as
felt to be a "last-minute" and
all-encompassing statement
whose ramifications were not
fully reviewed. The Academic
Policies committee will attempt
to tighten up the current policy.
'aor ivau v iao
Do-it-yourself Picket Sign
1. Cut along solid line.
2. Fold along dotted line.
3. Place toothpick along the inside of the bottom edge
4. Glue.
There! Now you too can give your cheers or jeers to our
friendly CUPE workers and their student supporters! Just
make sure you always know which side is facing out, or you
could find yourself face-down in a ditch. HAVE FUN!
'Now let me get this straight... our firm paid you and your research team
$15 million to develop a superconductor, and that is what you made!?!? 8
The Four Thirty-Two   Version 5.08 X 24 Mar'92
Ah, there's nothing quite
like a scintillating evening of
looking for your old long-lost
pal Earl.
You know what I mean.
You've been out all night with
all your other fly-by-night
friends, whooping it up and
drinking your face off, and you
get the urge to see a real
friend. Or maybe you've got
the flu, you feel like a bucket
of cold slug drool, and there's
only one guy in the whole
world who can help you feel
better. And that guy is Earl.
The innate need to go find
Earl is, quite literally, a gut
reaction. It starts somewhere
waaaaaay down inside your
belly. For example, you'll be
sitting in a bar somewhere.
You've had more than enough,
you can't remember your own
name, and you'll just be minding your own business enjoying the ride, when without
warning your stomach sits up
and says: Hey... where's Earl?
Desperately Seeking Earl.
Anyone seen him?
At first, you ignore your
stomach's beck and call: "No,
no, haven't seen him, don't
think he's around, sorry."
You go back to whatever it
was that you were doing, like
shotgunning another Foster's
or enjoying a nice double shot
of Sambuca. So then your
stomach starts to feel a little
left out, and begins to speak up
a little louder: Look man, if
you're not going to pay any
attention to me, then I think we
should go find Earl. (For
effect, your tummy often
accompanies this by a large
liquid burp that leaves an
acidic and somewhat ominous
taste in your mouth.)
You start to worry: "I told
you, we're not going looking
for Earl. So stop turning over
and shut up."
But you don't sound convincing; your words have a
hollow, nervous tone to them.
You attempt to soothe your
belly: "Here, have another
beer. Relax."
Then the ol' stomach starts
getting to be a real threat: I
didn't really want that last
beer, you know. I think it's
time to call Earl. Now. And
that's about when you start to
see things your stomach's way.
"Yeah, yeah, maybe I will go
find Earl. Good call. 'Scuse
me, please."
You stumble away from
wherever you happen to be and
attempt to ascertain the position of the nearest bathroom.
Quickly. Your tummy is now
nearing a crisis situation: Oh
god, I need Earl right now.
Call to him. Call to him immediately! PLEASE!!
If you're lucky, you get to
the bathroom before the urge
overwhelms you. You lurch
past everyone, "Look out,
comin' through," and they usually clear the area when they
see your pallid, panic-stricken
face. "Look out! This guy
needs Earl!!" Finally, you
stumble up to the toilet/sink,
hunch over before it, and you
cry out with that deep, guttural
voice that comes from deep
You keep this up for about
five or ten minutes, much to
the chagrin of whoever happened to be using the sink/toilet at the time.
Of course, this is only one
way to go looking for Earl.
You see, Earl doesn't just live
in the bathroom. He's a very
elusive guy, and can be sought
just about anywhere, really.
Some seasoned Earl-searchers
dispense with the Porcelain
Altar Ritual altogether and
start the hunt right where they
are, like say, in the middle of
the dance floor. Or on the bus;
that's always popular. He's
been sought in buckets, in cars,
in shoes, on every available
surface of a given room, on
other people's faces, out of
fifth-floor windows... the list
goes on and on. And, needless
to say, you don't always find
him on the first try. Some guys
end up looking for him all
night and most of the next day.
Becomes sort of a religious
pilgrimage kind of thing. But
Jimi Hendrix takes it; he
couldn't find him anywhere on
this planet, so I guess he decided to do a Flatliners kind of
thing and seek him beyond this
But getting drunk isn't the
only reason for going after
Earl. A good place to find him
is at any amusement park.
Rumor has it that he rides a lot
of roller coasters and really
gut-twisting rides. Then there's
the occasional spontaneous
search; you could be watching
a guy get a faceful of his best
buddy's pancreas in Platoon,
and suddenly you think to
yourself: Jeez, y'know, Earl
should see this. Or, worst of
all, you could get a really bad
case of stomach flu, and that's
when the need to see Earl can
hit you without any warning at
all. You could be sitting in
bed, watching The Price Is
Right and talking to your little
sister: "No, no, they have to
spin closest to $1.00 without
going over— HEY
LL!!!! Oh, sorry, sis; I thought
I saw Earl sitting on your nose.
You want a towel?"
Just one final word of
advice, though... go with the
flow. Under no circumstances
attempt to resist the urge to
look for Earl. If you do,
chances are you'll just end up
looking for him through your
Rate your classes & profs. Forms avaiable in Chem 160, or use the one below.
Please return forms to Chem 160 by April 3.
1. The instructor's notes and diagrams were legible and useful.
2. The instructor's speech was clear and audible.
3. The instructor explained ideas and theories clearly.
4. The instructor made this subject interesting to me.
5. I found the pace of the lectures comfortable considering the
level of difficulty of the course.
6. The instructor was approachable and was available for
7. I would recommend this instructor to other students.
1. The assignments/labs/tutorials were helpful for a complete
understanding of the course material.
2. The course required a significant amount of effort.
3. The prerequisites for this course provided me with an adequate
4. The course required a large amount of memorization.
5. 1 would recommend this course to other students.
Q. O
2 8
D. O
a o
a. o
2 8
2 8
a. o
£ o
a. o
a. o


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