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The 432 Mar 16, 2006

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16th March 2006
ft ti   'J        "WW"
'Bras are satin fabric devices of deception/
-Tim Louman-Gardiner
Inhuman Treatment of
Post-humans Protested
(Ottawa, Reuters)
Thousands of zombies gathered on
Friday in Ottawa to protest the
release of the new video game, Resident Evil: Resurrection for being anti-zombie. Zombies feel that such games perpetuate an unfairly negative stereotype of the
"We are people too," yelled one protester
through a megaphone. "We're just dead!"
The release of this video game is the final
straw in a long line of inhuman treatments
that zombies have suffered at the hands of
humans. It is common to hear reports of
zombies being methodically hunted down
like animals and killed many times over, as
if once wasn't enough. The undead are also
denied many rights given to the living
population. A lack of valid SIN cards prevents them from holding jobs legally, they
are barred from hospitals and they are
forced to live in the squalor of graveyards.
As one pro-zombie pamphlet puts it:
"Apartheid ended years ago - and yet
we're still kept against our will behind bars
and in stone prisons they call 'mausoleums,' as if a fancy name makes it
acceptable. We will no longer tolerate this
grave injustice! We will rise up, out of the
ground, and fight for our rights!"
Carl Copt, a representative from the
Coalition of Rambling Post-human Species
or CORPS, was proud of the progress
made Friday. "Zombies are 'red blooded
Canadians' too," he said, "it's just that their
veins run with other people's blood."
According to CORPS, this is only the first
stage in a campaign to bring marginalized
sectors of society into a more socially
acceptable position. "If we can manage to
get equal rights for the zombies, the possibilities are endless for vampires, werewolves and other ghouls," says their website.
The undead are looking to make small
gains in the beginning of their campaign
before moving on to more lofty goals such
as changing cultural perceptions.
"Many people believe zombies are the
most mindless creatures on Earth," Copt
stated. "I would say we are not the most
mindless, but the most mind full. For
example, as we speak I am absolutely
stuffed with the minds of humans. I don't
feel too good, I ate so much. Besides,
there's a large chunk of the human population that we're smarteftnan: I've never met
a zombie that listens to Avril Lavigne."
Friday's protest had a dual purpose. Not
only do zombies feel they are being marginalized by society, they are also concerned with their health and the health of
their food supply since they are at the top
of the food chain.
"You people have built up of mercury
from fish, pesticides from crops, and hormones from meat contained within you.
We get all of those chemicals concentrating
in us as a result of eating your brains.
BRAAAIUNNNNSSS!" said Allan Gore,
zombie spokesperson. "Diet is becoming a
real health hazard for zombies everywhere. Cancer rates are soaring in our sub-
population and we are not going to stand
by and allow our food to remain unlegis-
lated. DDT has been banned, trans fats
have been banned, and Red Dye #2 has
been banned. We don't allow cattle to be
fed the corpses of diseased cows. Why
should we let humans be fed lead, carcinogens, and hormones?"
Organized religion has not been kind to
zombies either. Holy water, a potentially
fatal allergen to many zombies, is placed in
many churches, while these same churches
are not allowed to use incense because of
hyperallergenic humans. The pre-post-
human families of many Zombies are
ashamed of their relatives, and have
church-sanctioned and church-run forcible
interments, where pomp and circumstance
are only a facade for the true horror, that of
being buried, not alive, but undead. Only
one mainstream religion, Scientology,
allows and even celebrates zombies in it's
congregations, going so far as to showcase
it's more famous brain-dead members,
such as Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
There is one up-and-coming religion that,
while rarely heard of outside of the zombie
community, is gathering members swiftly.
They are the Gnawstics, an unapproved
fundamentalist Catholic sect, and they
believe that confession, daily eucharist,
and prayer are the keys to eternal after-
after-life. Gnawstic disciple John Crue told
us, "the Bible says, 'I was hungry and you
fed me, naked and you clothed me.' Christ
is in everyone, is what it means. In me, in
you, and in that guy over there with the
mouth-wateringly huge forehead. We
believe these teachings are absolute truth.
So we eat what's in everyone. 'I had brains,
and you ate them' is as useful an example
as 'I was in prison and you visited me.'
Plus the body and blood of Christ is much
fresher this way. Those dried up crackers
never did much for me."
Canadian law experts lack a consensus on
even the most basic of zombie-related
issues. "The charter of rights and freedoms
says 'everyone has the right to life, liberty
and security of the person.' But when one
is undead, do they have these rights? They
certainly can't return to life," commented
Walter Gallivan, the founder of Freeman-
Gallivan LLP. "So do they have the other
Tights, as well? No citizen can be deprived
of these rights - does that make then non-
citizens? This is up for the courts to decide.
We don't really have any prior precedent.
Right now, though, we need to stop denying them liberty, that is, we must stop
burying them without consent. And of
course, we need to stop removing their
security of person, that is, we need to stop
shooting them with shotguns, beheading
them with shovels, and hacking them to
bloody decomposing pieces with axes."
Zombie activists have been demonstrating
outside the Parliament buildings for three
days now. Signs reading "If you prick me,
do I not scream for brains?", "When you're
senile, will you want to be locked in a
home? When you're a zombie, will you
want to be locked in the earth?", "Rotting
flesh shouldn't mean rotten rights!" and
many other slogans were being carried
while the mob milled listlessly, chanting
"Rights For zombies! Rights For zombies!"
over and over, with a few members of the
crowd constantly droning "braaaains" in
the background. The mob was peaceable,
although they pressed up against the windows and doors of the buildings, frightening many MPs.
16th March 2006
Volume Nineteen
Issue Ten
16 March 2006
Colleen Atherton
Dan Anderson
Lik Hang Lee
Chris Baitz
Lois Chan
Nicholas Gurewitch
Rochelle Leung
Paul Lu
Andrew Pare
Andrew Provan
Published by
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is produced by the students of the Science Undergraduate
Society in a large glass fishbowl in
the basement of the SUB. Feel free
to come visit our little aquarium,
but please do not tap on the glass.
It is very unpleasant for the fish, I
mean staff. All views expressed in
this rag are strictly those of the
individual writers, and as such are
not the responsibility of The 432,
The Science Undergraduate Society,
or the Faculty of Science. Writers
and cartoonists are encouraged to
submit their material to the 432.
Submissions must make the editor
chuckle at least thrice, and must
contain the author's name and contact information.
Contact us at: ffie432@gmai7.com,
don't be foo nice or we won't take
you seriously.
Maclean's Releases Guide To
Canadian Universities
Andrew Provan
Poor Wafer Drainage
Maclean's magazine released its
new guide to Canadian universities this month, along with its
guide to the 50 fattest Canadians alive and
a scientific journal outlining the reasons
why Time magazine can go to hell.
The university guide ranked 67 universities in Canada, as many as available statistics would allow, on significant subjects
such as quality of teaching, tuition fees,
and student satisfaction. UBC placed an
abysmal 51st in the former, but reconciled
the appalling score with a 1st place rank in
research. Incidentally, the inverse correlation between teaching and research was
extremely high at all universities in the
study. UBC ranked a respectable 10th and
6th in tuition fees and student satisfaction
respectively, while placing 2nd behind
McGill for entrance requirements.
Our beloved school pulled in a reasonable
24th place finish when it came to alcohol
consumption per capita, but the sheer size
of the student body at UBC pulled us up to
8th in terms of absolute alcohol consumption. In relation to this, UBC is the 12th easiest school at which to get laid, and the best
school in the country if you never want to
see that person again. We have the 19th
highest incidence rate of STDs, but it
should be noted that once Totem Park is
removed from the equation that ranking
drops to a more acceptable 33rd.
Unfortunately UBC floundered in the
number of campus bars to student ratio,
ranking a dismal 61st and only ahead of
the Christian universities in the study. As
an aside, the low common sense ranking of
UBC students could be partly due to the
fact that everyone makes a point of going
to the Pit on Wednesday night, when in
fact sleeves of beer are only two dollars on
the preceding Tuesday night.
In terms of nutrition and health, our
school scored extremely well. We have the
lowest rates of obesity, insanity and Serial
Killer Syndrome in the study, as well as the
highest level of fitness. UBC ranked 3rd in
the mass of excrement in or around the toilet to student ratio, indicating a healthy
high-fibre diet.
On a bad note, we scored a 61th ranking
for the institution's compassion for its students and a 64th for water drainage. However, on the bright side, we scored an 11th
place ranking for the students' contempt
for their institution and a 4th in sock sales.
Finally, UBC ranked a proud 1st for quality of student publications, but only 60th
for the honesty of student journalists.
Not a Trekkie, Yet
Colleen Atherton
Capture the Flag
This has got to be one of the best games
ever. Especially when it involves roughly
seventy people and almost the whole of
the UBC campus. On March 10th, a rather
large capture the flag game was held centering around the intersection of Main Mall
and University Boulevard. Do not despair
if you missed out on this fantastic event, on
March 31st (prior to all of the fabulous beer
gardens that will be happening that night)
there will be a monster game of Manhunt.
Star Trek
I feel as though I am injuring my nerd
cred by saying this, but I recently discovered the joys of Star Trek. I know this is
something I should have discovered years
ago, but to my credit I did have a rather
sever MASH addiction when I was in
Junior High. That counts for something
doesn't it?
At any rate, I love how the show manages
to probe deeper issues as they probe ever
deeper into the depths of space. Who else
but Jean Luc could put aside his biases for
a Borg child? Let his crew teach compassion and understanding to a parasitic race
even though he had almost been assimilated by them at one point? Even better is the
fact that it runs from 1 pm till 4 pm (when
the disgrace that is Enterprise comes on,
boo!) and is always waiting for me when I
get home from class.
Vancouver IS Magic
Where else could you walk to class
through huge fat wet flakes of snow, then
get out of class three hours later to brilliant
sunshine and a complete lack of snow.
Maybe Victoria, but that's the only place I
can think of. I think occasionally the city
likes to remind me why I live here. Then I
laugh at the suckers in the rest of the country. 16th March 2006
Page Three
Moon Next Enemy in
War on Terror
Andrew Pare
Ogling Celestial Bodies
During recent work by some of
Canada's top scientists, it was discovered that a change in the
moon's location will create a massive
'tidal' wave that will sweep towards Vancouver in the next 4 hours. The gigantic
wave was caused by the moon's gravitational pull on the oceans as the moon
moved closer to Vancouver.
The discovery came just hours after the
opening of the hew Pacific Planetary Science Center based in Vancouver, and coincided with the arrival of the first set of data
from offshore and harbor sensors.
The first arrival of the wave is expected to
produce massive damage to infrastructure
and social services. Famous landmark, the
Stanley Park Seawall, is expected to experience significant water damage due to the
water actually coming within inches of the
top of the wall. Local beaches located along
the west side of Vancouver will be
destroyed by flooding not seen since the
time of Noah and his Ark.
The huge sulfur mound on the north
shore will leak into the ocean making it
appear as if Vancouver is urinating. The
Canadian Navy's western fleet will suffer
massive losses; the cruise ship industry,
luckily, will be unaffected.
The center's scientists also predict a myriad of social and reconstruction problems to
be faced after the wave's impact. Starfish,
normally docile, will be awakened and will
commence unprovoked attacks on tourists.
Vancouver residents fed up with water
constantly pushing them around will take
to violent looting. The western cranberry
crop will be harvested prematurely, ruining next year's thanksgiving. Any and all
fountains are expected to depreciate in
value since they will become rather redundant.
City officials have already put plans in
motion to minimize the damage and speed
the reconstruction after the wave. The
SPCA has begun efforts to put waterwings
on all animals to prevent the same loss of
animal life that occurred in New Orleans.
Kanye West and Mike Myers have been
booked to host a charity telethon. Prime
Minister Stephen Harper has promised
swift relief funds and an increase in oil and
gas drilling in British Columbia.
The wave is expected to impact the whole
western hemisphere and officials were
quick to spread the news to neighboring
countries. George Bush is proposing an initiative to blow up the moon in an attempt
to stem the moon's ever increasing effect
on ordinary American's lives. He stated,
"We have to ensure that the security of
our nation is protected from any and all
external forces, it doesn't matter if it is terrorists, hostile dictators, or astronomical
bodies of mass, we have to let the universe
and all its celestial bodies know, you're
either with us or you're against us," during
his introduction to the controversial War
on Extra-Terrestrial Terror Bill.
As this article went to print, it was discovered that approximately 12.5 hours after
the first tidal wave a second wave, just as
big, will strike. Officials are contemplating
a complete evacuation of the coastal areas
and investment in boat technology.
Go vote in the 2006 SUS executive
Vote online from March 20-24 at
If you have deleted eScience from your Web CT, email
electloiis.sus0^nail.com immediately with your name and
student number so it can he added hack in time to vote.
Lois Chan
Adequately Protected
Wikipedia's quiet arrest came
shortly after a vigil by students
across the nation in response to
the death of Matthew Naylor, a first year
science student at the University of British
Columbia. Naylor died of complications
from Wikipedia in his living-room on
March 2nd. He was not able to extricate
himself from his computer chair since logging in at least nine days before.
Despite having proven its usefulness in
being one of the world's most comprehensive encyclopedias ever compiled,
Wikipedia is now posing a serious health
"I had to look up some information on
Wikipedia last week," said Kathy Vu, a
computer science student at UBC, to The
432 in a phone interview. "I don't even
remember what it was for anymore."
Vu has not left her computer since March
1st. She explains with a MacHall comic
how, as is the usual feeding pattern of
computer science majors, she was able to
gain sustenance by hovering above her
floor and sucking up old crumbs.
While computer science majors have the
innate constitution to survive and maintain such a lifestyle, most others do not.
"Computer scientists tend to put a lot of
points into Constitution at character creation, and as well they have the outrageous
class bonuses of '+9 vs. Hunger (While
Game is Loaded)' and '+6 vs. Food Poisoning (If Food is Scraped Off Floor of Computer Lab)'," says Eric Findlay, an expert
on the lifestyles of university students.
"I've been rallying for the nerfing, or
reduction, of said bonuses, but so far I
haven't heard any news."
"It isn't fair. Students in other programmes just don't have that sort of protection against things like Wikipedia."
Wikipedia's most common tactic is to lure
a victim onto one of its pages by appearing
at the. top of a Google search. The victim
begins browsing, clicking on any links that
appear interesting. In combination with
Mozilla Firefox's ability to load multiple
pages at the same time in the same window, as well as its Keyword/Quick Search
functionality, victims are so enthralled by
the seemingly endless stream of information that they are unable to leave the website, let alone their workstations.
"The scary thing is that the new version of
the Internet Explorer will have tabbed
browsing as well," says Findlay.
"Wikipedia would become mainstream,
and people who don't know how to use
computers will become just as vulnerable."
Next Publications Meeting:
Wednesday March 16th, 4:32 pm
in the IFPO (Rm 94 in the SUB)
Prep meeting for The Black
Plague year end spoof issue.
Come be a part of the magic. Page Four
16th March 2006
SUS Executive Elections
VP Internal
Michael Duncan
I have pride, I have spirit, I have confidence, and I
want to be your next Science Undergraduate Society
During the past two years I have dedicated my time
and passion to the Science Undergraduate Society as
an executive and a councilor. From starting "buck-a-
burgers," to creating the Science jackets, from painting myself blue, to meeting with the Dean's advisory
committee, I dedicate my time to making SUS more
prominent on campus.
As president I will continue to promote Science spirit in new and wacky ways. I will ensure increased
consultation with students on issues such as the running of the brand new Science Social Space. Furthermore, I will strive to increase participation from the SUS council, and I will continue to
maintain good relations with the faculty.
If you see the blue man around campus say hi and give him a high five (don't worry, the
paint doesn't come off). Then go online and vote Michael Duncan for president in the SUS
Executive Elections.
Jonathan Lam
1) At the dawn of this great university, there were 3
faculties: Arts, Applied Science, and Agriculture. It
1922 the Faculty of Arts was officially renamed to the
Faculty of Arts and Science, heralding forth an era of
cooperative prosperity. In 1963, citing "administrative complexities" the university split the Faculty of
Arts and Science into the two separate faculties that
we see today, thus creating a great divide on this
campus. As President, it will be my mandate to correct this mistake made over 40 years ago and bring
together the pure and social sciences again and
reclaim our past glory. Once more, the Faculty of
Arts and Science will reign supreme as the greatest
superpower on this campus.
2) Currently SUS fees are a measly $22/year. This fee is pathetic compared to those of our
CUS and EUS counterparts. To remain competitive and capable of providing for its constituents, SUS must increase its fees. I advocate a 6.02x102% increase in fees - to
$132.44/year. With the rising cost everything, it is imperative that SUS generate more revenue. Beer = more expensive: events like Buck-A-Beaker and Cold Fusion cannot be sustained. Paper = more expensive: publications like the Guide and the 432 cannot be sustained. Safety = more expensive: programs like the SUS Anti-Terrorist Space Laser Initiative cannot be sustained.
VP External
Peter Sean Kearney
Hi! I'm Sean Kearney and I'm running for SUS VP
External. I am heading into my fourth year of Science
and the skills and experience that I have gleaned
from my time here at UBC are directly transferable to
this position. VP External requires the ability to plan,
organize, compromise, and deal with people as
he/she sits on AMS Council, liaises with bodies outside of SUS, and of course plans SCIENCE WEEK!!!
Anyways, why am I suited for this job? As many of
you may know over the past year, as SUS Social
Coordinator, I have revolutionized the Science social
scene. Events such as 2nd Class Bash, SUS Gets
Sauced, Jagerfest, Ethanol, Cold Fusion, and Chairwoman' Lau turns 22 were well planned, promoted,
and attended as a result of my leadership. My previous work with SUS includes chairing
the Social Committee and sitting on the Dean's Student Advisory Committee. Other relevant experience includes being social chairman, treasurer, and vice president of several
campus organizations.
If elected, I will be a strong voice for SUS on AMS Council and in our relationships with
other campus entities. And, of course, SCIENCE WEEK will be INSANE.
Thanks for hearing me out!
Vladimir Choi
Hi, I'm Vladimir, a third-year Microbiology student.
As VP Internal, I will have two major responsibilities: to improve the experience of first year students
and to initiate changes involving academics within
the Faculty of Science. With important issues such as
PRS, textbooks, and teaching evaluations insufficiently addressed over the past few years, I will fight
hard to implement a standardized survey within the
next year in order to aggregate student input on
those issues. I will create SUS Academic Policies that
the Academic Committee can present to the Faculty
of Science and Dean based on student surveys and
departmental input, offering a written record of
changes we would like to be accomplished on their
end. Additionally, I would like to start a mentoring
program by senior students to help address academic, social, and professional needs of
first years.
Given that we will have a new Dean next year, it is important to give a good impression
on behalf of students so that we can accomplish our goals. Having served two years on
SUS Council and Academic Committee, as well as the Faculty of Science Curriculum
Committee last year, I hope you will find that I can do the best job as your next VP Internal. Thank you.
Reka Pataky
- *    PIS
I have been heavily involved with SUS since my
first year in a wide range of positions, including as
Director of Finance in 2004, and in a wide range of
projects, including planning of the new Ladha Science Student Centre, to be completed this fall. I am
also involved with Orientations and AMS Council,
and I understand the important place SUS has as
part of the wider campus community. The VP Internal has three important roles to play: they coordinate
SUS' academic lobbying, they organize the First-Year
Committee and support their activities, and they are
responsible for SUS Council election, orientation and
recognition. As such, my goals for the year are to
work closely with the student Senate representatives
to help effectively bring about teaching and academic change, to heavily promote first-year involvement in SUS as a way to serve first-year
interests and a way to enter into further involvement at UBC, and to improve SUS Council training to build a more efficient and hard-working body, to more effectively serve Science students as a whole. I have the experience, strong leadership and great ideas necessary to make SUS a better resource for all Science students. Please vote!
Aaron Sihota
Why should you vote Aaron? I have extensive experience being a SUS Councilor for 2 years, currently
serving as SUS General Officer. If elected as VP Internal I will ensure: A pilot project in selected core science classes to have mid-semester professor evaluations instead of at the term's end so problems with
teaching can be fixed before the term ends. I will also
compile and build on a centralized website resource
that includes research opportunities and internships,
both paid and volunteer, for science students. And I
will compile (and have been working on) a formal
science survey focusing on what science students
feel need to be improved within the Faculty including class size, professor evaluations, and tutoring
services available and I will facilitate to address
those needs if re-elected to council. I will be a strong voice advocating these and other
concerns for best interest of the Science student community. I've previously sat on the
SUS Academic and First Year committees, both run by the VP Internal so I intimately
know the portfolio of the position. Questions- feel free to email me a.sihota@yahoo.com
To live a happy life vote AARON SIHOTA for VP Internal- true, cited in the Journal of
Health (2006)! 16th March 2006
Page Five
Candidates for 2006-07
Executive Secretary       Public Relations Officer
Sarah He
My name is Sarah He and I'm running for SUS Executive Secretary.
Upon entering university, I learned one of the greatest skills being taught in this institution— the art of
notetaking. With this by my side, I believe that I'm
fully able to perform the chief responsibility of the
secretary: effeciently taking minutes for each Council meeting.
My involvement with South Burnaby Neighborhood House as a Special Event Coordinator has
allowed me to gain strong leadership skills. We organized various events during the winter break for elementary kids including Bowling Day, Swimming
Day, and Skating Day. Also, I'm the volunteer coordinator for IPC (International Peer Connection). As this is a new organization that just
started in January 2006, communication amongst members is a key. With the assistance
from other executives, I was able to effectively coordinate the communication between all
potential volunteers. All of these experiences have helped in making me a suitable candidate for this position.
However, I realize that I'm only a first year, and that there are many things I do not yet
know, but I'm willing to learn. If elected, I will try my very best to be a good executive
secretary for SUS.
Matthew Naylor
The job of the Executive Secretary is nit-picky, anal-
retentive and requires annoying attention to detail.
And, as such, it is where I belong. The Secretary
chairs the Code and Policy committee, a group that
oversees the Science Constitution. I want to help
make SUS run better, and I plan to do this through
restructuring our constitution to make SUS even
more effective, especially as we move into our new
building. I am familiar with our constitution, and
want to help improve it. If elected, I will help SUS
work better and do more for Science.
The Secretary can do more than take minutes of
council meetings, and I want to do more. People
should be aware of what goes on, so I intend to post
detailed council minutes in the SUS lounge, and encourage people to get involved in SUS.
Currently, I am involved in SUS, and want to play a larger role. I'm your man if you like
your constitutions elegant and your minutes meticulous. If you elect me, I can help do a
lot for Science, and for Science students. I have been committed and am willing to go the
distance. Visit www.votenaylor.com. Vote Naylor for Secretary!
Director of Finance
Dennis Yoo
I have been extensively involved with SUS in the
last two years, so I have a very good grasp of how
funds are distributed and spent.
The Science Undergraduate Society has an annual
budget of about $160000, most of it coming from the
$22 fee each science student pays annually. So where
does this money go?
Besides a good chunk going to the Science Social
Space, Cold Fusion and publications, about $18000
goes to Science club grants.
Currently, there are no guidelines as to how this
grant money should be allocated amongst clubs. As
your Director of Finance, I plan to establish a more
merit-based system that allocate funds to the clubs that actually need the money so more
students can benefit from them.
If you'd like to know more of what I'd like to achieve as your Director of Finance, please
feel free to e-mail me at yoo.dennis@gmail.com
Diana Diao
'H'= # of UBC students unaware of the fantabulous
Science Undergraduate Society (SUS)
'S'= frequency of cool SUS events (benefiting Science students like you!)
'G'= Gibbs free energy in the process of electing
Diana Diao (Double D) as the Public Relations Officer (PRO)
Under constant pressure and temperature:
delta G = delta H-T delta S
As the frequency of SUS events (S) increases and
more students show up for these awesome events,
H decreases, then delta G < 0. This means that the process of electing Double D as the
PRO is highly favorable and should be a spontaneous reaction for all voters.
As the PRO I will:
- Coordinate more events (e.g. Buck-A-Burger) to promote our faculty (the best one) and
SUS on campus.
- Keep Science students informed of excellent employment and volunteering opportunities.
Still not convinced? Here's more:
This is my 2nd year running for PRO so I am truly excited and VERY eager to take on
this position; I have been involved with SUS for the past two years: as part of the First
Year Committee, and currently as a SUS Councilor; I was also one of the organizers for
this year's Professor Talent Show held at the Norm Theatre.
Alex Lougheed
Science, oh science, thine gracious step is as fair as
the summer's breeze. Thine skin is as supple as a
child's hind, but what I long for is thine lips. Science,
thou mere presence is but a blessing upon us all, and
for that I wish to represent you. I know thine
innards, for I have served for you before, do you not
remember? I aid with thine gardens, thine councils,
thine week and thine newest offspring, the Lahda
Science Social Space. As thine representative, I shall
insist upon awareness and spirit as my utmost priorities, for thou hast become sick. To do such, I shall
cure thee with a faculty-wide promotional campaign, involving releasing thine mascot, the lab rat,
on a more frequent basis. Thine website is presently
underappreciated, and could use more frequent
updates, of which I shall facilitate. I shall set-up a departmental mailing list for thee, such
that others may know of thine events. Blue myself, I shall, as well as continue the legacy
of thine former representative, by promoting thine jacket apparel, and thine one dollar
burgers. Oh science, will not your judgement be as fair as your grace, and select me as
your P.R.O.?
Science Senator
Cameron Funnell
Senate is the highest academic governing body on
campus. Believe it or not, decisions made in Senate
can have a dramatic effect on your life. Not so much
as say, cancer, and not necessarily so negative.
Things like exam scheduling policies, new courses
and programs, scholarships, and myriad of other
things. Having already served as your Science Senator for the past year, I have learned a lot about how
Senate operates, and I feel that I can be a vocal and
effective representative.
So what am I going to do? I plan to be involved in
the committee that will find ways to implement the
recommendations of the recent report on teaching
evaluations from the VP Academic's office. I'm also
going to complain loudly (but politely) to the registrar's office about their decision to stop
providing Web Vote for free to the student societies. And naturally I'll continue to do my
best to keep science students informed about the goings on in Senate. Vote for Cameron.
Not for not Cameron. Page Six
16th March 2006
Director of Publications     AMS Representatives
Colleen Atherton
The blood, sweat and tears I have shed this year
while editing The 432 run a rampantly raging river,
but not one of regret. I have endlessly endeavored to
enhance the exhilaration brought by reading this
ridiculous rag.
My terrifying talents end not with The 432, similar
spectacular sacrifices will be made during the completion of The Guide. Using patience and pragmatism I will do my utmost to provide assistance to the
If elected, I will celebrate The 432's terribly terrific
twentieth birthday with a surprisingly scrumptious
super issue! I will comb the catalogues of our comical collegiate compositions to find the best and the brightest for said super issue.
Lois Chan
Will devote time equivalent to two full courses to
improve SUS website and The 432 and Paradigm
standards. Will sacrifice seven goats and eleven virgin
maidens to increase readership and awareness of various published materials. Will fight for autonomy of
Publications Committee. Contribute regularly to The
432. Have: four years yearbook experience, freelance
website development and brochure-making since a
wee girl; excellent programming and project management skills; fantastic communication and organisational skills. Makes absolutely de-elightful company.
Majoring in computer science and biology. Minoring
in English literature. Favourite colour is green. Birthday is year-round.
Also, ninjas ain't got nothing on pirates.
Director of Sports
Jamil Rhajiak
Hey everyone,
My name is Jamil Rhajiak and I'm hoping that YOU
will vote for ME in the elections. So why should you
vote for me? Well, I'm CURRENTLY the Director of
Sports for SUS and I KNOW what i'm doing. I've also
expanded the portfolio of Director of Sports by
putting on the First Year Urban Challenge, and the
upcoming Waterballoon Fight. I've also organized,
an amazingly successful Science Olympics during
SCIENCE WEEK 2006. I've also provided science
students with rebates on activities with UBC REC
and have provided 50% rebates for Urban Challenge
and 100% rebates for Storm The Wall, making it free!
And to add the icing on to this cake I also volunteer
with UBC REC, meaning I have intimate knowledge of how the organization works. I'm
also on the Steering Commitee for the new Science Social Space, help run bzzr gardens,
bbq's, regularly attend meetings, and I really love what i'm doing. I'm also dependable,
outgoing, and approachable...go ahead...facebook me! So a vote for ME means: MORE
fantastic SUS events, MORE rebates with UBC REC, and MORE of someone who's passionate about SUS. Thank you, and remember...VOTE JAMIL RHAJIAK!
Jilian Smyl
Hello Science Students! My name is Jilian Smyl, and
I am running for the position of Director of Sports for
the SUS. Just to give you a little information about
myself, I am majoring in Biology and hope to minor
in human kinetics. In the future I hope to go into
medicine or rehabilitation sciences. Since I was really young, I have been involved in almost every sport
... metro soccer, basketball, volleyball, snowboard-
ing, swimming (lifeguard), hockey, skateboarding ...
the list could go on. If I were to be elected into the
SUS council, I would promote many UBC REC
events with the goal of trying to involve and emphasize the athleticism of the science undergraduate
society. I feel that becoming involved with the university outside of academics is the key to a balanced and healthy lifestyle. I would really
like the opportunity to represent athletics involving science students and hope to an
active member of the SUS council.
Rochelle Leung
Vote ROCHELLE LEUNG for AMS REPRESENTATIVE. I'll be representing you - my undergraduate
peers - and all of your interests at AMS Council
meetings, by acting as a liaison SUS and the AMS.
Why vote for Rochelle Leung? As a dedicated member of the Science Undergraduate Society that has
been involved with SUS since first year in a myriad
of ways, I promise that the next year will most benefit you. I've had a variety of responsibilities in SUS as
this year's and last year's Editor of SUS' The Paradigm, which is the academic publication that's the
sister to The 432. Also, having served this year as a
member of the Faculty of Science's SCI Team, I have
served as a living resource for all members of SUS, so
I'm no stranger to responsibility and commitment.
Want a dependable and reliable AMS REP that will work hard for you? Then look no further, and vote ROCHELLE LEUNG as next year's AMS REP..
Alex Lougheed
Dear AMS,
Hi. My name is Alex Lougheed and I heard there is
a position available on your council. Being a dedicated member of the Science Undergraduate Society, I
feel I am more than able to fulfill this role. Due to the
fact that I have sat upon every SUS council meeting
during my time here at UBC, and my past experiences in the council format, including Model UN,
placing me on your council would make for a good
and easy fit. I am aware of your structure already, for
I have attended your meetings, and I find them fascinating. First and foremost though, I will act as a
representative to the people of science, for they are
my closest relatives, but that does not mean I will not
be more than amiable to you as well. I shall always look upon you with a critical eye, such
that you do not take any advantage of my close relatives, for I shall defend my family's
honour with much vigour. With those points in stone, I wish to see you again soon.
Alex Lougheed
Tristan Markle
As an AMS representative for the SUS, I will ensure
that services that affect science students directly
(such as free tutoring) are supported and expanded,
and I will work with AMS and SUS executives to
explore whether various services offered in the new
Student Science Centre can be student-run and not-
for-profit. (ALL power to the students!).As a voting
member of AMS council, I will defend initiatives that
benefit women (such as Safewalk and SASC). I will
use the forum of the student society to forward recommendations to the senate (such as making exam
schedules for 1st year science students more manageable), and to make it known to the University
Administration that students do not accept the privatization of post-secondary education, the destruction of the UBC farm and environs to
build luxury condos, or the discriminatory and obscene hiking of international student
fees (among other things). I'll stir things up.We are so lucky to have inherited such a powerful and organized student society. It's time to use the resources at our disposal to make
out voices heard. Word?I am a Biology student, a member of Colour Connected against
Racism, and an editor of The Knoll.
Matthew Naylor
The AMS is the highest order of student government at UBC, and Science needs strong and dedicated representation on that council. I have been to
AMS meeting before, including representing Science
as a voting proxy, and am ready to take on that
responsibility. I have the knowledge required to
work within the AMS, and to represent the Science
on that board. Science deserves good people working for it, and I am one of those people. I have gained
the trust and support of people within the AMS:
"Matthew Naylor is a driven, energetic Science student that will bring excellent representation to the
AMS for his faculty. I wholeheartedly endorse his
candidacy for AMS Representative." -Spencer Keys,
outgoing AMS President
I will work for Science. I am able to give us highly effective representation, and am willing to be held to any standard. I am involved in this system, and you can get the most out
of your representation by electing someone who knows the ropes, and will get things
done. Science deserves great reps, and I can be one of them. Visit www.votenaylor.com.
Vote Naylor for Science AMS Rep! 16th March 20©6
Page Seven
Social Coordinator
Rochelle Leung
So, who wants to attend the best bzzr gardens next
year? If you are such a person, then look no further -
because your vote goes here right next to my name:
your Social Coordinator next year, I will ensure you that
I will always be accessible to you my fellow peers to
attain your input about next academic year's social
events. My experience and time with SUS began in first
year and has continued up to the present time. If you've
seen or heard my name around campus before, then I
hope you'll associate it with a person that's reliable and
capable of giving 110%. I'll do the best that I can to make
sure your next year will be a memorable one, but you'll
have to vote 'Yes' in order for this to happen, first;)
Are you a chemistry student who is interested in making your experience at UBC more meaningful?? Become
Positions available:
President, Vice President, Treasurer, Secretary, Academic Coordinator, Social Coordinator, Forum coordinator, Grad Rep, Sports
Rep, SUS Rep, CGSS Rep, Webmaster, Sales.
AGM will be held March 23, 2006
Sign up for a position outside the UCS lounge. You can vote if
you are a member of the UCS
More info at the UCS lounge or our website:
The Mangled Drawers of SUS
Patricia Lau
Commander in Chief
Before the end of the month, the loan
and occupency agreement between
SUS and the University regarding
the social space will be signed off and filed
away. When that absolutely lovely space is
completed in the fall, it will be yours to
use! Otherwise, this month I will be busy
with turnover and the Search Committee
for the Dean of Science. The goal of placing
a new Dean is still set for July 1,2006. Also,
don't forget to vote in the SUS Exec elections! Lastly, if anyone is still reading this
(cynical me returns), indulge me and read
my farewell here and drop me a line at
pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca if you feel like
saying hi or bye.
Well, after three years of the life of a SUS
Exec, it is almost officially time for me to
sign off and leave SUS and the AMS
behind. I can't even begin to sum up all the
time and experiences so I will keep the sentimental, last ever 432 report short. It has
been a wonderful three years and my time
in student government has contributed
more to my university experience than I
ever would have imagined. Although
stressful and frustrating at times, I am so
glad to have been part of this community
on campus and I want to thank everyone
who has been part of it with me. There are
far too many people to list who I have
worked with that have added to my time
here with SUS and the AMS, but you know
who you are, so good luck in the future
and I hope we stay in touch. To Science
students, enjoy the social space and keep
up the Science pride!
And on that entirely sentimental, mushy,
but wholeheartedly true note, I wish SUS,
the AMS and everyone still involved the
best of luck. It has been an absolute slice.
Sean Kearney
Social Coordinator
ast Friday's beer garden was awesome! Thanks to all those who
helped out/came out to support it! Book
off your calendars for "SUS LIVER TRAINING" on March 31st in the SUB Partyroom
+ Courtyard
Lisa Frey
Code and Policies Committee continues its examination of the portfolios
of councilors, non-voting members
of council, and even executive members.
After waiting for this moment all year and
threatening this consequence to anyone
who even looks at me the wrong way, I
finally think we have found a position I
can de-Constitute and "purge from existence", as it were. Stay tuned next edition
to find out WHO and WHAT FOR...
Don't worry, we're coming for you next.
Lik Hang Lee
D. of Public Toilets
Only 1/3 of the term left in the school
year! But everything still moves
along in publications. The Paradigm will soon be completed and printed.
Be on the look-out for it! The Walter Gage
Fund has kindly provided SUS Publica
tions with a $300 grant to help fund the 432
archival project! As a result, the project is
going ahead, and if all goes well, the digitized 432 files will be ready before the end
of the school year. The IFPO now has a
new level of security...a security camera!
And finally, if you are interested in purchasing the 432 t-shirt for $10, just email
the432@gmail.com. Hope you have a great
last portion of the term!
Jon Lam-Chops
VP Extraterrestrial
It is March. March goes out like me. But
how do I go out? Usually drunk I suppose. Does that mean that March goes
out drunk?
I would think that December goes out
way more drunk than March. It has new
years eve after all. March does have St
Patty's day (hooray for Friday!) but that is
more in the middle than the end and only
one day where December has all of boxing
week to be drunker than a Totem Park res
ident on ACF.
Maybe March just gets sad that it is almost
over once St Patrick's day rolls around and
then just decides to drown its pity for the
remainder of the time in Guinness and that
is why it goes out like a lam. It is a good
think March is a gentle peaceful drunk.
Those violent drunks are no fun, no fun at
March, I think you have a drinking problem. Have you considered seeking professional help? Cause I think you should.
*Hugs and tickles*
Jamil Rhajiak
Director of Sports
Oh SNAP! It's that time of year
again..it's STORM SEASON! As
most of you have seen, there are
large piles of dirt on the SUB south plaza
and that means the second most fantastic
time of the year is upon us (the first
being...of course..SCIENCE WEEK). I
THE WALL, and to apply for rebates
because...boy o boy...will there be rebates.
For science students the first few teams to
apply for rebates will recieve 100% of their
cost back, and all Ironperson who are science students are eligible for 100% rebates!
Just remember...you MUST put Science as
your unit to be eligible for rebates!
www.rec.ubc.ca for more info!
www.sus.ubc.ca for info on rebates!Also,
thanks to everyone who's participated in
events with UBC REC, you've all helped
make this year one of the most successful
years ever. To show their appreciation,
UBC REC is hosting REC REWIND on
March 31st...cheap drinks...cheap food...hit
up REC REWIND and then trek on over to
would like to remind everyone to VOTE
Camoron Funnell
Curriculum Committee met. Boring
curriculum stuff happened. Dr.
Anna Kindler (Associate Vice President, Academic Programs) attended and
brought up a potential item for discussion
on the floor of Senate. Dr. Kindler is concerned with how many programs have an
excessive number of prerequisites, and the
effect this has on students. UBC is committed to producing graduates who are "global citizens" with a well rounded education,
hence the University should be providing
students the opportunity to experiment
(not THAT kind of experiment) and take a
wide variety of different courses. The current prerequisite structure often forces students to set out a path in first year and follow it all the way to graduation. Deviating
from the path can make it difficult to complete a degree in four years. Dr. Kindler
thinks that it's worth discussing ways to
make the system more flexible. If you have
any thoughts on this let me know.
A rather interesting Senate issue: Long
ago, Martha Piper promised graduates of
Okanagan University College aka OUC
(the institution that now is UBC-O) that
they will be allowed to apply for retroactive UBC-O degrees. So lets say you graduated from OUC in 2001. If Dr. Piper has
her way, you can now have your old
degree exchanged for a UBC-O degree.
Some people really don't like this. They
claim it could "dilute" the value of a UBC
degree. OUC students did not pay for a
UBC degree, and they did not necessarily
take courses that were equivalent to UBC
courses. This is an issue which could
potentially end up being discussed at the
Council of Senates (the "Super Senate"
which is be composed of members from
both the UBC-V and UBC-O Senates).
Thanks to the work of several students
(including Ms. Gina Eom), the Council of
Senates has strong student representation,
so the whole retroactive degrees thing will
hopefully have input from us kids. Unfortunately, several grownups don't agree
that this should go to the Council of Senates! The AMS recently passed a policy
motion stating that it should. The issue has
a lot of background and if you're interested I can fill you in.
In other news, Arts will have their teaching evaluations made public before next
September. Presumably Science will want
to follow suit. Stay tuned.
Finally, the student Senators will be having dinner with Dr. Pipper on March 22nd.
If are any BURNING issues you want
brought up with her, email me and I'll see
if the Student Senate Cacus thinks it's
something we want to discuss.
Remember that third party recruitment
issue I always go on about? (UBC wants to
enter into a contract with a company called
Can Zhong which would find students in
China to take a UBC graduate program,
and receive a fee for each student they
recruited.) Well after some effective lobbing by several student politicos, it
appears the administration has decided to
axe the program. It's what we call in the
business "sticking it to the man".
Mike Duncan
Public Relations Officer
rowah! I am blue! Bow down to the
mighty power that is my extreme
My Blue Powers crush empires, bring
down leaders, and get me all the cheap
burgers I can eat. You will yeild or you will
be smeared blue and given no cheap burgers.
Alas, being blue has its cost. I subject
myself to the ripping out of chest-hair by
tape to give my costume it's signature
design. It is worth it friends, for because of
it I have become your God. 16th March 2006
Page Eight
Baby Boomer: Angelina
Jolie's Baby Pregnant
-Paul Lu
Lois Chan
Star Stalker
Sources say that Angelina Jolie's baby
is itself pregnant. Jolie's baby is only
eight weeks old as of Monday. Brad
Pitt, the father of the bigger child, appears
to be very excited about the news.
"It is truly a miracle," says Pitt to The 432.
"I'm already a grandfather!"
The father of the child is as yet undetermined. When asked if it could be Pitt himself, the actor did not deny it.
"Sure, I mean, it could easily be me. We
have healthy, wholesome sex on a regular
basis. There is absolutely nothing wrong
with our sex life," asserts Pitt.
Groups around the world are already raising allegations of pre-natal pedophilia.
"What he has done is downright sickening," says Jamil Rhajiak, a self-proclaimed
"hardcore Gosh-lover." He adds, "Brad Pitt
is a monster and he should go to Heck."
Pre-natal Paedophillia
Science Undergraduate Society Presents
SUS Leadership Awards
To be eligible for one of the SUS Leadership Awards of up to $500 a student
ti^«fc|-i£Lj        must be enrolled in the Faculty of Science and have demonstrated excellent
leadership skills. Members of SUS Council are not eligible. Students may nomi
nate themselves. Answer the questions on the application form on the SUS website, in the space provided. Also
with this application form please attach a recent resume. Please note that in addition to this application, nominees may be asked to attend an interview with members of the SUS Academic Committee.
SUS Teaching Excellence Awards
SUS also recognizes teachers (professors and TAs) who have taught in an inspirational manner. We are searching for outstanding teachers in the Faculty of Science who go above what is required. Please take out some time
and nominate an excellent teacher in your life.
Completed forms must be submitted to Kiran Bisra's (VP Internal) mailbox in LSK 202, or sent to
awards.sus@gmail.com by March 21st at 4:32 pm.


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