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The 432 Sep 5, 2006

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5th September 2006
fttfofe fedM
'I've had it with these motherf ucking snakes on this motherf ucking plane!'
-Samuel L. Jackson
FAA Irnplements Baby-Ban on All Flights
Newest restrictions have passengers crying
In response to recent terror threats,
the Federal Aviation Administration announced Friday a new list
of items prohibited from transport on
commercial flights. Among the newly
restricted items are babies.
"Here at the FAA, we are committed
to ensuring the safety and comfort of
passengers in the air and on the
ground." explains FAA Director James
Parrins. "After extensive consultation
and research, we simply felt that
babies were too hazardous to have on
While opposition to the new ban
grows, so too does the list of concerns
with baby transport. Parrins points to
the results of recent and ongoing FAA
Anti-Baby Task Force studies, which
list a plethora of dangers. "Babies can
be noisy and smelly. On the ground
this poses problems for security dogs
charged with detecting potentially
dangerous parcels and smelly terrorists. Post-take off, a baby's ear-piercing cry can be severely detrimental to
pilot performance. In fact, in the past
eight years, every single plane that has
ever crashed due to pilot error has had
a baby on it."
Upon further research, Parrins adds,
the baby factor becomes more and
more disturbing. According to one
Task Force report, babies contain
potent chemical and biological agents,
which, when used in certain combinations, can be weaponized by terrorists.
The same study also raises alarm at the
extensive number of internet sites that
provide instructions on creating
"homemade baby bombs."
show   a
c o r r e 1
a t i o n
b e t w
e e n
increase        in
lence. "
I think
we've all seen
on a plane can
do.   If
even   a
increase      the
odds of having
on    a
Babies can be easily detected, even when hidden in checked luggage. The FAA advises passengers to leave their babies at home.
Internet sites show how a baby can be converted into
a weapon of mass destruction with only a few minor
plane,  then we shouldn't hesitate to
impose the ban."
Skeptics of the restrictions, howevere,
are not so certain. Jamie Smurtherwitz
is a spokesperson for the Baby Lovers
United for Justice, an organization
dedicated to promoting justice and
freedom for babies everywhere in the
USA. "Sure, babies may be smelly,
dirty, and ugly, and can be turned into
bombs, but weren't we all babies once?
I find it offensive and immoral that the
FAA would do such a thing. Babies are
people too."
Parrins declined to comment on
claims that he was once a baby, but
did say that the FAA may make compromises in the near future. "Yes, we
recognize that safety is important, but
compromise is also important and
that's why we're looking into implementing special 'Baby-friendly' flights
to restricted destinations. We would
allow babies to be brought aboard the
plane provided that it is stowed in the
overhead compartment for the duration of the flight. Passengers may also
be asked to ingest part of the baby
beforehand, just to prove that it is
Smurtherwitz says the compromise is
simply not enough. "We want full
baby rights or none!" The organization
has promosed to fight the ban and has
already begun collective signatures in
supermarket lineups for a petition to
boycott the FAA. "So far everyone
we've talked to either agrees with us,
or doesn't agree with the FAA. I think
we might have a real case. Hopefully
once we boycott the FAA, they will be
forced to listen to us and our
When asked about the FAA's reaction
to such a boycott, Parrins replied,
"Well, I'm not sure... We could probably get around it by changing our
name to the 'National Aviation
Administration'... that would probably confuse everybody long enough
for this whole thing to blow over. Plus
we've been meaning to do it for a
The Perry Bible Fellowship
By Nicholas Gurewitch (http://www.pbfcomics.com)
Bad news,Tammy.
Santa is dead.
urable Snct absorbent. Page Two
5th September 2006
Volume Twenty
Issue One
5th September 2006
Do as I say!
Jon Lam
Lois Chan
and a lot of beautiful, scantily-
clad inspiration
Contributing Rodents
Jon Lam
Nik Pinski
Cameron Gerald Funnell
Ssor Nej
Jamil Rhajiak
Marlon Richmond
Alex Lougheed
Misc. Mammalia
Jon Lam
SUS Exec
SUS Council
Printed by
Horizon Publications, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
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432 is publication of the Science
Undergraduate Society of UBC. We
are not responsible for misuse of
this paper; including but not limited
to usage as instruments of arson,
assault, armed robbery, impaired
driving, rape, murder, fraud and
gross indecency. This issue is made
from 100% recyclable materials.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and should contain the author's
name and contact information.
Hit us up at: the432(a>gmail.com
What, You'd Rather Watch Material Girls?
Jonathan Lam
The premise behind Samuel L.
Jackson's greatest movie is simple: Snakes on a Plane. For those of
you new to this thing called "the Internet" there's a lot of hype about what
"might be the best motion picture ever
made." But skip forward past the 8
months of anticipation, the fan frenzy,
Samuel L. Jackson and the movie's
rapid ascension towards cult status... A
friend of mine was
wondering, talking to
me about the movie the
other day actually.
Friend A: "Snakes on a
plane? What? That...
sounds... really stupid."
I said the premise was
simple, not magnificently elaborate. I
never said it was good
either... But a couple
friends of mine went
down to the Paramount
to see it on opening
night anyway. We
showed up four hours
early, expecting to see
throngs of people, but
were mildly disappointed when we were
the only ones in line. In
fact, there was another
movie showing in the
theatre prior to the SoaP screening and
we were an hour early for that (also the
first in line)... To assuage our crippled,
geeky pride, we told ourselves (and the
bemused theatre staff) that we came
right after work, and it wasn't like we
had anything better to do. In retrospect, I'm not sure if this improved our
image as geeky, no-lifes with nothing
better to do 6PM on a Thursday than
wait in line for the 10PM showing of a
movie called Snakes on a Plane... Don't
judge me. You don't even know me.
In any case, had the theatre line-up
been packed, I doubt you would have
missed us. In fact,  I've heard stories
from other friends whose friends'
friends had been at the 10PM showing
(albeit 3 or 4 hours after we first
showed up) who had recognized us.
We were certainly hard to miss. My
friend Cameron had built himself cardboard wings and duct-taped them to
his back. He along with my other
friends (who wish to remain unnamed)
and myself, were also adorned with all
manner of rubber snakes. Cameron
taped some on his wings, they were
also on our shoulders, and in our pockets. I also stuck one in my belt so it
looked like it was hanging out of my
pants.   (Keep   your   eyes   peeled   for
If you were at the Paramount Theatre Premier of Snakes on a Plane, you
probably saw us there... Here we are, showing off our temporary tattoos.
upcoming porn flick "Trouser Snakes
on a Plane" starring Spencer Keys and
a hollowed out rubber snake.) We were
also quite loud and obnoxious. Clearly
everyone appreciated our enthusiasm
and just how much we were "into" the
Being first in line, we got our pick of
the seating. We also got to watch as
people filed in, recognizing other
friends and variants of geekkind. We
waved. And then we threw rubber
snakes at them.
Another friend who was with me when
I was talking to Friend A above casually noted, "Maybe I'll just wait for it to
come out on DVD."
A common sentiment, but one that can
only end in failure. You see, the true
spirit of Snakes on a Plane, much like the
true spirit of Christmas, is all about the
people around you. Had we not gone
on opening night, there is no doubt that
the proportion of OOber nerds, internet
junkies, and fanatical geeks would be
significantly lower, and that would be a
bad thing, since it was the constant
heckling, cheering, and audience participation in this movie that made the
experience memorable. Normal people
(if there were any of them there on
opening night) would probably have
sat still and watched
the movie: they
would have told us
to shut up and sit
In fact, many of the
best lines in the
movie were shouted
out by the audience.
This is similar to
what happened on
the internet when the
SoaP craze hit,
webgeeks who had
been sitting around,
doing nothing since
the last episode of
Star Wars had come
out, suddenly found
themselves compiling lines of script
that they felt should
be in the movie,
despite the fact that
the actual script and
plot details (aside from the fact that
there would snakes of some sort on a
plane of some sort) was kept under the
proverbial lock and key. This was, of
course, in between choreographing
home-made movie trailers for Snakes on
a Plane.
My     personal     favourite     audience
shoutouts were:
"OH MY GOD! It's a snake bomb!"
"Quick! Where do we keep the mongooses?"
and of course,
"Guys, shut up! I'm trying to listen to
the plot!"
-Had t wthh "Hy's AA^^^f^tVxg vec+or r\o"hx+t'or\?
^(6 +
Joirx the /VT&!f-iV\g
AAa+h Clolo!
For all your /v>at*h
r\eecfey co/v>e visit" us ir\
Roo/v> 1119,
/Ma+h Ar\r\ex BlcJirxg
or visit* our w/eloSit*e
,ca/'^/v>od*hclulo/ 5th September 2006
Page Three
Wave of Ineptidute
Sweeps Across UBC
Officials baffled by annual trend
Cameron Gerald Funnell
Smoke and Mirrors
UBC Departments, academic
advisors, and administrators
are gearing up for the annual,
but largely misunderstood wave of
ineptitude that seems to sweep the
campus in an annual fashion. Over the
decades university administrators
have become increasingly aware that
student behavior becomes highly
erratic in early to mid-September.
Campus staff have already witnessed students attempting to "log in" to emergency
blue lights, drinking water from public
fountains without the obligatory one
minute "so you don't die" period. Also
alarming are the rates of students carrying
enormous bags of textbooks to each class,
and furiously taking notes on professors'
trivial anecdotes. The bookstore has even
reported hundreds of sales of "optional"
There are several competing theories as to
what causes the annual event. The few
points competing researchers seem to
agree on are the fact that it appears to last
only two to three weeks, it typically occurs
in early September, and that about 25 percent of the student population seems to be
Student Really
Enjoys the Taste of
Cameron Gerald Funnell
Bad puppy
Third year biology student Mark Gibson likes all variety of foods, but he's
especially known for his affinity for
the taste of Pringles. "I suppose I've
always liked Pringles," he says. "My mum
used to put them in my lunch for me, and
I guess they just kind of grew on me. I
mean it's not like they're the only food I
like, but you know, if I could only eat one
food that would probably be it." Gibson's
roommates are well aware of his fondness
for the uniquely shaped chip. "Yeah that
guy just won't shut up about his Pringles,
like Christ, I'm getting sick of it," says
Brian Ku.
"Fuck off, Ku," replied Gibson, "you're
full of shit."
Gibson vehemently denies that his obsessions with Pringles is taking over his life.
He has repeatedly refused to participate in
a variety of treatment options, many of
which involve hypnosis, or the use of Lay's
as a Pringles substitute.
affected. The degree of ineptitude seems
to follow an approximate sawtooth function, with a period of 365 days.
Dr. Greg Hickson has been studying the
phenomenon for several years, and proposes that changing wind patterns in late
August pull pollutants out of the Fraser
valley and towards Vancouver. Many of
the airborne NOx compounds are known
to impair short term memory, as well as
reasoning ability.
Another prominent hypothesis explains
the annual trend as a result of diminished
daylight hours, which affects the migratory patterns and regional abundance of the
primary prey of UBC students - pizza and
beer. "Clearly, less daylight means more
darkness, and finding pizza and beer in the
dark can be pretty tricky. This is why
refrigerators always have lights inside of
them. Without nourishment, the student
body has been known to redirect its energy
from cognition and higher brain functions
to reproductive functions. Evolution has
given UBC students a keen sense of duty
when it comes to propagating the species."
Uncertainty and conflicting opinions have
been expressed outside the scientific community as well, with religious leaders and
politicians alike pointing the finger at
everything from gay marriage, the Internet
and communism to stem cell research and
*& >**
a comic by Paul Lu
v* «$J
Welcomes "YOVl
The department is proud to host
an orieitfation welcoming session
for second-year students
in any physics or astronomy program.
Thursday Sept. 21st, 2006
11:30AM to 1:30PM
LSK 201
You mil have a chance to...
• meet the department head and faculty members
• be reminded of important dates
• find out requirements for physics and astronomy programs
• learn about co-op and phys astro careers
• heai- from dub representatives
refresinti en t provided
^ Page Four
5th September 2006
The Proper Etiquette of Being the
"Old Man" at the Beer Garden
Nik Pinski
Belligerent Duck
By time you read this, it will be
September. The school year will
have already started, and you,
meanwhile, will have started on a list
of reasons to murder your new roommate. It won't be a hygiene-related
beef, as it will only have been a week.
It'll take you two more to figure out he
still hasn't showered. You also will
have gone to a beer garden or two, and
saw someone who just didn't
"belong". You can even picture him
You spot him from across the room.
His left hand is clutching a beer cup,
while his right is in his jeans pocket,
but there's something not quite right
about him. He knows it too. He holds
himself much like a deer at an NRA
convention, and his eyes dart around
nervously. He tries to be outgoing, but
you can sense he's genuinely concerned that someone might notice that
his clothes have actually been laundered in the last two days. That his T-
shirt is from American Eagle, and not
the Salvation Army. And that bulge on
his right jeans pocket is not the uncontrollable reaction of a freshman after
his first exposure to the world outside
of Bumfuck, Manitoba, but rather the
keys to his Toyota Corolla. You decide
to be social, come up to him, and ask
him what he does at UBC. You know
the truth within three words: "Umm,
well actually..." Ah yes, the newly
returned graduate. The "old man".
The "loser". You laugh at the poor
sap's refusal to move on with life, and
make a mental note to not become like
him when you are done. And yet, you
probably don't notice me standing a
mere three feet away from him chugging the same type of shitty beer. Me...
done with years at university, and yet
back to bask in past glory. Let's be
honest - you want to be like me when
you're done as well. You want to be
able to come back and drink cheap
booze, you just don't want to be found
out and embarrassed. Fear not: class is
in session. Why do you not notice me
unlike the other dingus? Because I follow (or will follow - at the time of
writing this) these rules of being the
"old man" at the beer garden:
Don't Be Old
This one is harder to do for people
who are not me, but I'm pretty self-
centred, and therefore do not care. I
happen to be 21, and not even slightly
too old to be at university. Ah yes, the
benefits of having been smart in my
formative years. What I lost in uninhibited high-school sex, I can make up
for in uninhibited beer garden drinking. And umm... sex. I guess. At least
that's the idea. Anyway, even if you're
not me (you can only hope), there's
still things you can do to lose a few
years off your appearance - namely
shave, and change the way you carry
yourself. Remember when you were
just as naive and dumb as the youngsters around you, and put on the same
wide-eyed look on your face. Guys -
pull down your pants to below your
hip bones. Act as if the only thing that
matters to you is where you find your
next consenting naked partner. It
shouldn't be a stretch. Girls - dress
and act skankily. Then come talk to
Dress Down
Remember that the people around you
have a maximum of two or three "outfits". You and your suede sports jacket just scream "I don't have to smell
my clothes in the morning before I put
them on". This is not a good thing.
Before you go out, dig through the
back of your closet. If you find something you decided to never wear again,
but couldn't bring to throw out, it's
perfect. If you got it for free originally
- that's even better. Upon arrival, spill
some beer on your shirt, and you'll be
set. Incidentally, if you drop a pretzel
on the ground, don't even think of not
picking it up.
Trust me: the truth may set you free,
but prison in Canada is better than
freedom in Afghanistan. You do not
want to get into the conversation of
why you're at the beer garden despite
not being in university. People will say
"right, right...," pretend to care while
their eyes glaze over, and quickly find
someone else with whom to converse.
The alternative is ridiculously fun and
easy. Everyone loves to role-play, so
why not you? Be an international student from Luxembourg. Be a graduate
student in theoretical astro-psycho-linguistics. Say you were home-schooled
until you were 20-years-old, and this is
your first time at a "par-tay". If all else
fails, just admit you're not in UBC this
term because you were expelled for
doing something to Martha Piper's
house that you're legally not allowed
to talk about until after the trial.
Drink Too Much
Why? Why not? Just make sure you're
not the type that says obscenely truthful things while intoxicated. If that's
the case, skip the drinking, before you
mention something embarrassing like
the location of your Yaletown pad, or
your real opinions of the Jews.
Think Ahead
As far as you're concerned, you're on
enemy territory, and you can't let your
guard down until you're safely alone
again. Don't drive to the garden, even
if you are now rich and arrogant
enough to be able to afford parking.
And while your aforementioned Yale-
town pad may be "fly", a drunken
sorority girl will be more impressed by
a sock-covered bunk-bed, so have a
standby plan for that. You are now
more than capable of bribing your
remaining college friends so that you
can utilize their dorms. If you want to
be able to take women home to your
actual home, then go hit up The Roxy.
Similarly, remember that you no
longer can invite all your new best-
friends from the beer garden to "continue drinking at your place". Not if
you want to keep up appearances.
Allow someone else to volunteer, and
if no one does, just accept that the
night is over. You do not want to
expose drunken 20-year-olds to
mahogany, floor-to-ceiling windows,
and a "view".
Follow these five simple rules, and
you'll be able to enjoy the sweetness of
youth way into middle age (i.e. the late
Mr. Pinski can often be spotted swimming
naked in a lake near you. Warning: The feeding of Mr. Pinski and other sim'lar wild animals is strongly discouraged.
This whole week is a 1. You
T   won't get anything done, but
you'll sure look busy! It won't
make that toaster work, though.
Your lucky colour is blue. Remember to
wear a hat when you go out.
Today is a 5. Karma will catch up
"VV*    to you in a huge explosion of
f)     green slime. Your lucky colour is
dark blue (to hide the stains - the
green will blend right in) and your lucky
number is nine. Oh, and the milk in your
fridge got drunk by a mongoose.
This week is a 10. Go for it. Thaf s
Kit, reach for that sausage, stick it
in that brown, wheaty bun. You
know you want it. We all know
you want it. Just don't rush the experience.
Your lucky colour is electric blue.
Today is a 10. Everyone loves you
Q ^T    and you know it People might
■«_>'    look at you funny but they are just
envious of your beauty and grace.
Just be careful: don't run that red light and
don't eat that extra slice of cheese. Your lucky
colour blue, and don't fly on a plane.
._      Today is a 2+3/. You're not quite
A )     sure of where you're at but thaf s
^ (^     okay. Those who are better than
you are will laugh at you and
those who are worse off than you are will
also laugh at you, so either way you're still
confused and everything is in balance. Your
lucky colour is blue.
Today is a 1. You did a great job
|TV\     last week but today will go horri-
JC     bly wrong. Your acne will explode
and your pet mongoose will also
probably explode. You might want to call
your mother. Your lucky colour is royal blue.
Beware! Today is an abysmal -5.
_l2_ You feel very adventurous and
~~     you want to do things that you
haven't ever before, but if s a bad
idea. Don't ask that girl out. Don't try to
find your notes. And definitely don't sniff
that sock. Your lucky colour is blue but it
really won't help that much. Trust me.
.».       Today is a waste of time.  Why
[[I       did you even bother getting out
«-+    of bed? Man, this sucks. Your
lucky colour isn't a colour at all
really, so there's no point trying.
You should make that purchase
vXl     that you've been eyeing for days.
'^       The momentary joy you receive
from it makes this day a 3. Don't
listen to your friend, though. He's just being
a jerk to feel special about himself. Your
lucky colour is blue.
You will be asked a question
yV_     today of no small importance,
Jr-'    but don't fret. The answer is simply   "Yes,   but   your   mother
stinks." The clever rebuttal will put you in a
good mood, but today is still just a 7. You
lucky colour is your favourite colour, blue.
Today is a 6. Wearing your shirt
/WV    inside out will bring you atten-
^^    tion, but also very bad luck, so
don't  do  it.  Drink  milk,  not
chicken soup. Your lucky colour is white.
Milky white, not chicken-breast white.
Today is an 8. Your significant
\f     other will have a hard time try-
/ V      ing to understand you when you
talk with your mouth full. Also,
you sound retarded. Chew. Wear blue so
you don't choke to death on snakes.
Today's Birthday
You are the lucky winner of the
\\       Today is My Birthday game.
wJ3     Congratulations to you and your
mother. Wear blue to bring you
even better luck in all things you do today.
That hot chick/dude is totally checking you
out right now. Shh, don't look. Smile and
give your favourite pet mongoose the
thumbs-up. He or she will appreciate your
Do as I say, you live...
Anything can happen in lab.
Get your safety equipment and lab
manuals from the
Undergraduate Chemistry Society
(we do more than run Buch-A-Beahers)
On sale September 5th - 15th
(Access from outside only) 5th September 2006
Page Five
xxx Crossword xxx
1. h
■ ^
3 0
1 44
1 ■
i 3
■ 1 ""l
1. 4th planet
5. Norse Thunderer
9. Samurai nation
14. Golf championship
15. X-men's Dr. McCoy
16. Solid, Liquid, on a plane, with ladders.
17. Rocket science organization
18. Floor-cleaning tool
19. Orphan girl
20. Abbreviation: EXP
23. X = 600nm
24. Engineer slogan
25. The Sports Network
27. Object of Conservational Law
32. Z, (Like a fox...)
36. Makes a mistake
39. UBC International Student Orientation
40. the sea. (Down here the seaweed is always greener...)
41. Compressed filetype
42. A board (of wood, or of experts)
43. Immunological cell marker
44. Piano key
45. Spent ATP
46. "Making" laser light
48. DNA magnification technique
50. LotR bad guys
53. Transition metal complex appendages
58. Insane crocodile
62. Tibetan mountain
63. Invoice stamp
64. French coast
65. Pharaoh's civilization
66. emergency response system
67. Swedish furniture giant
68. Michael Jackson goes through a lot of
them (not little boys)
69. Computing "Elite"
70. TV star Alec
1. Pays the bills
2. Rare marsupial
3. Of the kidneys
4. Primitive, non-email
5. Not catches
6. Initiate
7. UV protective layer
8. SNL guest star
9. Dreamcoat Star
10. Domine
11. Poly aniline abbrev.
12. Alike
13. Roosevelt initiative
21. spinning apparatus
22. Female "sheeps"
26. Roman fiddler
28. "Ye gods" exclamation
29. Lets you roll upwards
30. Joy
31. Ivy League School
32. Ghostbusted
33. Ancient Roman acronym
35. French Queen
37. "First" Chinese Zodiac
38. Savings plan
42. Slutty hamburger star
44. Oh hu ? Oh Henry.
47. Free of blemishes
49. Popular European drink
51. Australian shire
52. Minion
54. Photographic print
55. Pay for a transgression
56. Names  acknowledged  in  meeting
57. Uneasy feeling
58. An Elizabethan's delight
59. "Seaweed is cool,  seaweed is fun.
Makes its food from the of the sun."
60. Seize the day, no first letter.
61. Goes with tequila
62. One more than nine
Fabulous prizes for the first three completed crosswords!
Lack of Consultation
on Use of Phrase
"Lack of Consultation"
Marlon Richmond
Unconsulted Survey Taker
UBC President Stephen J. Toope was outraged by the lack of consultation by AMS
executives over the AMS' frequent use of
the phrase "lack of consultation."
"All day all I ever hear from those dirty
pinko's is 'lack of consultation this', 'lack
of consultation that'. They never consulted
me. All I ever dreamed of since I was a little boy was to be the University president
of the people, but them Bolshevists always
keep me out of the loop. What's worse is
that they always complain through the
Knoll or wretched trash like The432. Why
can't they ask for my opinion through a
pleasant publication like UBC Reports?"
AMS president Kevin K. Keystone
responded by issuing Dr. Toope a private
online questionnaire, where Dr. Toope
could express his concerns about AMS policy, provided it was in multiple choice format. The questionnaire, which reportedly
cost students $100,000, was filled with
loaded questions and crazy formatting.
When asked about the the rationale behind
issuing the expensive questionnaire, Kevin
responded "I was able to issue an executive order that bypassed council completely. I sure hope Dr. Toope's happy now."
First Issue
Ssor Nej
Entrancing Elegance
or drop off your completed crossword to
the old SUS office (LSK 202)
UBC student,
I greet you with warm welcome!
Bienvenue; Hey!
UBC is magic
Money becomes classes and
Research subsidies
Here is for learning
French and Eigenvalues and
Curing hangovers
Many benefits
Research labs and museums
and a nude beach
Convocate with a
World class degree of nonsense
Letters after your name
What you really learn?
Value of friendship, laughter, beer
How to write Haiku
Ik J$ Page Six
5th September 2006
Thefunstartsher el
September 4
BBQ Beats: Music
and Meat featCiTR!
Mclnnes Field, 4pm-0usk
The music is free,
lhe food costs more.
AMS Events Presents:
SUB Ballroom, Doors at 7pm,
Tickets at Ticketmaster
September 5
Imagine Day! Visit us at the Main
Event Carnival with our
Bouncy Castle.
UBC Improv's
Totem Takedown
Totem Park Ballroom, 7-9pm
it's the Traditional
Firstweek Comedy Show!
i 10pm-12am, The Norm Theatre
September 7
UBC REC Presents:
Bocce Tournament
2-4pm, Mclnnes Field
UBC Improv's Final
Show of this Week
6-8pm, Scarfs 100, Auditorium
The SUBCrawl: join us in the
sub for a Jazz Concert, coffee,
a CiTR Open House,
a free mOVie and a concert by
Blood Meridian. 7-npm.
September 8
Featuring: K-OS,
Immaculate Machine, Pride Tiger,
Shukov, and mylgaylhusband!
Mclnnes Field Ipnv^pm
Pride UBCs Queer
and Trans Orientation
3pm, The SUB Partyroom
j0:nus after the WBBBQ
on the Grassy Knoll for popcorn and a
FRtc viewing of
k Ghostbusters!
September 6
UBC Improv Vanquishes
Vanier...with laughter.
7-9pm, Place Vanier Ballroom
Indoor/Outdoor Pool Party
UBC Aquatic Centre
Open Air Pit Night
The Pit Pub
September 9
Get up, get down, get outside with
Shinerama's Shine Day
in the City!
...seriously, if you have any
energy left after all this,
that's your fault, not ours.
MK"~  SHAW)  -SB     BWffl ™&S»
/ that was easy-    — frlUHCSs
And Support From The UBC/AMS Event Sponsorship Fund and Coca-Cola
Guide to
Millions' Fate Changes
Pluto's planetary rank & anime schoolgirl stripped
Alex Lougheed
That Moth
Astrologers from around the
world met last Friday to discuss the ramifications of the
August 24th decision of the International Astronomical Union to redefine
Pluto as a "dwarf planet". The summit, held by the Interuniversal Astrological Union met in East Hastings and
has drafted a resolution naming several astrological changes.
"For one, since Pluto is the dominant
planet of the constellation Scorpio, all
Scorpios have had their fates changed
so they can now be considered Aries,"
said Byron Peak-Hock, Dean of the
Faculty of Pseudoscience at the University of the British Colonies. "Furthermore, the introduction of three
'dwarf planets' [including Pluto] will
affect all the horoscopes. Gemini, who
used to get along with Aries, are now
bitter enemies because Aries now
refuse to take out the trash. Geminis
will be horny for the next little period
and Libras are feeling extraordinarily
"You can, like, so totally see the
effects already," said Lois Chan,
M.PSc.(Astrl). "For instance, my friend
Sean [Kearney], an Aries, has already
overcome a hardship in a relationship,
which is, like, so totally unlike him."
The resolution does have it's share of
critics though.
"It's absurd. We can't just take out
Pluto - it represents transformation! A
world without transformation wouldn't make any sense, so Pluto must
stay!" Greek astrologer Heraclitus reasons.
"I don't even understand why we're
Your yard and home:
• Do not aitaract nr feed freshmen, cspcciall fertile
males. They arc natural prey and may attrael
• Roaming drunks are easy prey.
• llring drunks in al night. If they musl he left tint,
con tine them in a kennel with a secure lop.
• Do not Iced drunks outside. This not only attracts
young cougars but also many .small animals, such
as mice and raccoons that cougars pa-y upon.
• Place domestic livestock in an enclosed shed or
barn at night
Hiking or working in cougar country:
• Hike in groups of two or more. Make enough
noise to prevent surprising a cougar.
• Carry a sturdy walking slick to be used as a
club if neccessary.
• Keep ehildrcn closc-al-hand and under control, (see above)
• Watch lor cougar tracks and signs. Cougars cover
unconsumed portions of their kills vvilh soil and
leaf litter. Avoid these fond caches.
• Cougar kittens are usual] well-bidden. However,
if you do stumble upon cougar kittens, do nttl
approach or attempt to pick them up. Leave the
area immediately, as a female will defend her
If you meet a cougar:
• Never approach a cougar. Although cougars will
normally avoid a confrontation, all cougars are
unpredictable. Cougars feeding on a kill may be
• Always give a cougar an avenue of escape.
• Stay culm. Talk to the cougar in a confident voice.
• Pick ail wingmen up off the ground immediately.
Wingmen frighten easily and their rapid movements
may provoke an allack
■ Oo not mn. Try to back away from the cougar
slowly. Sudden movement or flight may cause
the cougar to pounce.
» Da not litrn your hack on ti cougar. Face the
cougar and remain upright
• Do all yau can to enlarge your image. Don't
crouch down or try to hide. Pick up sticks or
branches and wave them around.
If a cougar behaves aggressively:
« Arm yourself with a large slcik. ihrow rocks, speak
loudly and (irmly. Convinvc lhe cougar that you
are a threat, not prey.
t If a cougar allacks,//#/i/ back! Many people have
survived cougar at lacks by fighting back with
anything, including rocks, sticks, bare fists, and
restraining orders.
Cougars are a vital part of our diverse campus. Seeing a
cougar should be an exciting and rewarding experience,
L^ith both you and the cougar coming away unharmed.
I Eowc\ er, if you do experience a confrontation with a
cougar or feel threatened by one. immedialely inform lhe
nearest Pit securily guard or Hlue Light operator.
Prevention is
belief" than
British Columbia
Handle with care
Province of
British Columbia
Ministry of
Lands and Parks
Ministry of Forests
Nerds everywhere mourn the loss of
(arguably) the most attractive Sailor
Scout (aside from Sailor Mercury, that is)
voting. After all, the answer is in the
planets," says prominent infomercial
psychic Miss Cleo.
The resolution goes to vote September
6th. 5th September 2006
Page Seven
Filesl ^ r^
Michael Duncan
There is so much to say and so little
time in which to say it. I want to wish
everyone a great new start to school
this year and I wish you all the best of luck
in your studies. But, when those studies
get you down and you are looking for
some fun, to whom are you going to turn?
The answer is SUS. We are going to have
a rocking year this year. Continuing from
last year we are going to ensure that our
bzzr gardens kick ass. We also have a
brand new social space - the Ladha Sci
ence Student Centre - which is going to be
the hub of everything and anything that is
awesome. Science Week this year will blow
your socks off, and, of course, we are going
to continue running Buck-a-Burgers along
side the amazing UCS event Buck-A-
Beaker. Please keep on checking out my
exec report in future issues of The432 and if
you want to know more about what SUS
events are coming up, or you want to volunteer for a SUS event, e-mail
volunteer.susgiamail.com and put in the
body of the message which of the two (participate or volunteer) you are interested in.
Have a great year.
Sean Kearney
Vice President External
Hey and welcome / welcome back
to UBC! I'd better introduce
myself to those of you who
haven't read our fabulous summer publication, The Guide, so here's the short version:
Name: Sean Kearney
Year/Major: 4th year General Science
Job: This year I'm your VP-External so I
attend AMS Council meetings, sit on the
SUS exec, and plan Science Week!
Anyway, I'm in the middle of organizing
Science Week 2007 (last week in January)
and any help would be greatly appreciated. We need volunteers in all capacities...
beer gardens, Cold Fusion, booths, running events, and of course promoting. Science Week is a great opportunity to get
involved and is awesome experience in
planning and coordinating the best faculty week at UBC!
If you're interested drop me a line at
604.616.7124 or seankearneyQishaw.ca. As
always, facebook works too. :)
Dennis Yoo
Director of Finance
It seems every year Summer keeps getting shorter and hotter... And here we
are in September about to embark on
yet another school year - all inconvenient
truths. I am the incoming Director of
Finance and my main job is to be the mon-
eyman. I keep track of how your student
fees are being spent. The total SUS budget
is roughly $160,000, so if you want to know
why you should care about SUS, it's
because we have a lot of money we could
spend towards making your life at UBC
more... interesting.
Ahem. Anyway, the main thing I was told
to do was to give you a warm welcome to
UBC, along with a loving introduction to
Chances are that if you're new to UBC,
you don't know what the hell is going on.
The first couple of weeks are usually pretty crazy and rowdy on campus, with new
events going on every single day. But
when everything calms down after the two
weeks, SUS will be one of the very few
places you can still cross-dress without
people looking at you like you're mentally
So there's no need to be afraid. SUS is
your friend. Feeling lonely? Bored? Curious? Contact me at
.. .we don't bite... hard.
Cameron Gerald Funnell
Student Senator
Yay school! I'm pretty pumped up,
are you? I'm having a bit of trouble
typing this because my hands are
still shaking after seeing "Snakes on a
Plane." These five sentences have taken
over 20 minutes. If you're new to The432,
welcome. I'll typically be using this space
to update you on the goings-on in Senate
(UBCs highest academic governing body).
Senate doesn't meet until mid September,
so for now I'll keep up this irrelevant drivel. Did you know that SUS has a time capsule due to be opened in 2067? If you know
where the time capsule is located, email me
and win 2 free "Kit Kat Chunky" bars. In
conclusion: have a great year, join some
clubs, have some fun, and email me at
Be An Elections
Want to be a Dictator? Well...we're not looking for one but here is
something even better. SUS will be appointing the Elections Committee on Thursday, September 7th at 1pm in the Council Chambers (SUB 206).
The Election Committee (made up of the Elections Administrator
and two Deputy Elections Commissioners) is charged with taking
care of the upcoming Council Elections. If you are interested and
want more information, please get a hold of your VP Internal at
Reka Pataky
Vice President Internal
Welcome, one and all, to the world
of Science at UBC! Granted, this
paper doesn't pretend to include
all of Science, but I think it does an excellent job of picking out the fun bits. The
bits that make Science at UBC so damn
The exec, myself included, have been
very busy over the course of the summer
planning for the 2006-2007 school year!
SUS is doing its best to expand to meet the
needs of even more Science students, and
the most obvious (and shiniest) outcome
is the brand new Ladha Science Student
Centre! This will be the hub of all things
SUS, and hopefully all things Science student related, for years to come! We're all
very excited for its opening and can't wait
to move in.
Another fantastic new initiative that I've
been involved with over the summer,
which will impact not only Science students but first-year students of all kinds,
is the new AMS/UBC First-Year Committee. Most undergrad societies (SUS
included) have initiatives directed at first-
year students, whether as a first-year
committee or first-year council reps, but
the AMS (sadly) as no such thing, and
there isn't a lot of collaboration between
these groups. Our goal with this initiative
is to introduce new students to the AMS
and other areas of campus involvement,
and to create events geared towards first-
years from all faculties. Fear not, SUS'
own First Year Committee will still do it's
thing (check out the First-Year BBQ on
Sept 7!) but this initiative will go above
and beyond.
Also on the horizon are elections! Check
out the nomination form in this issue.
We'll be returning to the former glory of
paper ballots this fall (apparently technology isn't all it's cracked up to be) so keep
an eye out for elections stuff as the term
progresses! Nominations are due by
Thursday, September 21 at 4:32 pm. Considering, even a little, running in an election? Try it! Feel free to ask me any questions you have... I've run in (and lost)
plenty of elections.
This is a standing invitation for the year,
and I'll be repeating it often anyway, but
please e-mail me at vpi.SUSQ) cnnail.com
with any questions or concerns that you
Diana Diao
Public Relations Officer
Hey everyone! There is always so
much going on during the first
week of school, and I hope everyone is enjoying themselves. I am here to
tell you about Shinerama and how Science
students can kick some ass to start off the
school year! "Bling Bling" is a "friendly"
competition between all the faculties that
raises money for Shinerama, a nation-wide
fundraiser for cystic fibrosis research. Here
is how it works:
a) Each team (faculty) is assigned a bucket which must be with the team (or a team
member) at all designated times throughout the week. All buckets must be readily
available to other teams throughout the
b) To score points team members must
place pennies in their OWN bucket (1
penny = 1 point)
c) Stop other teams from collecting points
by putting coins (that are NOT pennies)
and bills in the their buckets. The value of
these coins and bills are subtracted from
the team's total points. For example, 1 dollar in another team's bucket will subtract
100 points from their total. The team that is
the least "negative" at the end, wins!
If you think you have what it takes to be a
Science team representative and get everyone in the faculty all worked up (to kick
some Commerce and Arts asses!), please
let me know:
pro.susgiamail.com or 778.996.DIAO
Enjoy first week, and I wanna see LOTS of
pennies out there this week!! (and tons of
non-pennies in non-Science buckets. =P)
Jamil Rhajiak
Dir. of Sports
Have you seen
these execs?
Unfortu-   ^—
nately   ^^
Jamil    and
A are MIA
at the
moment. Coin-
cidentally, they
are both in geology. I'll bet they're
both in a cave somewhere spelunking... Matthew is probably just taking
a page right out of the Liberal Party
Vacation Policy Handbook.
Alex Lougheed
AMS Rep (1 of 3)
Here's what's new and important with the
1. AMS first year committee! I bet Reka
mentioned it in her report, go read that
2. Extension of the Speakeasy hours.
Speakeasy, for those of us not in the know,
is the AMS' phone-in peer support service.
They will soon operate over the late hours
of the night and wee hours of the morning.
3. Asbestos in the SUB should be gone.
Did you know that asbestos is the number
one cause of work-related death in BC?
4. Formal SUB expulsion policy approved.
It's pretty straight forward. No
rollerblades or bikes in the SUB.
5. A motion has been put forth to change
one of the planned club rooms (of four) in
the Arcade space into more room for AMS
Catering. I'm for it, because AMS Catering
has a recent boom in activity, and apparently the conditions in the kitchen right
now are insufficient. Also, three club
spaces of four is still good.
Feedback is always appreciated. That's
about it. Over n' out.
Be A Good Person! I Write for The432! Page Eight
5th September 2006
SUS Council
Fall Elections
Open Positions
The basic responsibilities of all members of council, according to the SUS
constitution, include "i. Be[ing] responsible for the promotion of all Science
events... ii. Post[ing] and maintain[ing]
no less than one office hour per week...
iii. Regularly attending] all Council
meetings ... iv. Be[ing] a member of a
minimum of one committee... and v.
Know[ing] and upholding] the Constitution of the Society."
Social Coordinator
(1 position)
The position of Social Coordinator is
actually not a council position, but
rather an executive position within the
society. This position requires significantly more commitment and responsibility.
According to the SUS Constitution, "the
Social Coordinator shall: a. Organize,
coordinate, and promote all social functions of the Society; b. Coordinate the
sale and distribution of tickets for the
Society's functions; and c. Coordinate
advertising for the Society's social
In general, you will be in charge of taking care of all the paperwork and planning associated with social events, from
room bookings, to RCMP event license
correspondence, booze acquisition, volunteer coordination and more! (Luckily
you also have a committee and fellow
exec members to help you out.)
General Officer
(4 positions)
General Officers do represent any specific group of science students, but
rather the entire body of science students as a whole. In addition to the basic
council member responsibilities, GOs
"shall i. Submit a Year-End report to the
Executive Secretary by the end of the
School Year; and ii. Attend Faculty of
Science Meetings."
First Year Representatives
(2 positions)
The position of First Year Rep is open
only to first year science students who
are not enrolled in CSP or Science One.
This is a great way for all you first years
to get involved with SUS Council, run
for the position! First Year Reps generally work closely with the VP Internal and
First Year Committee.
Department Representatives
(15 Positions)
There are fifteen Department Representatives that are elected by students from
various programs within the Faculty of
Science. Students are elected to represent the Departments of: Biochemistry,
Biology, Chemistry, Computer Science,
Earth and Ocean Sciences, General Science, Geography, Math and Stats, Micro-
bi, Pharmacology and Physiology,
Physics and Astronomy, Psychology; as
well as the Coordinated Science Program, the Integrated Science Program,
and the Science One Program.
In addition to the basic council-member
responsibilities, Department Reps "shall:
i. Attend Faculty of Science meetings;
and ii. Liaise between the Department or
Program administration and the Society
by meeting with administration and providing monthly reports to council."
Questions? Come to the
information session on
September 14 at 5:00PM
or contact Reka Pataky at
Ik A
Come to the ueru first First-Year committee meeting:
Tuesday. September ia @ 5:oopiyi
in the sub (norm Theatre)
come fight for Truth and Justice
(and meet other first-years)
2 pm


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