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UBC Publications

The 432 Mar 13, 1996

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 USA invasion of
Canada repelled!
US makes good on threat to take Inside Passage!
Juan Garcia' Marquez
VOL 9 • NO 11
13 MARCH 1996
I suggest you eat a live frog
every morning. That way,
nothing worse will happen
to either of you for the rest
of 4 day.
March 14 - 1:30pm
BIOSOC Bzzr Garden!
March 15 -4:32pm
Be there. We will.
100% hemp paper.
100% hemp-based ink.
100% hemp-based articles.
It is illegal to buy, sell, own
or burn this paper. In fact,
it's illegal to even acknowledge its existence.
Roving Correspondent
Recent tensions between
Canada and the United States
came to a head late Sunday
morning when the a US Aircraft
Carrier swung into English Bay
from the Inside Passage and
deployed a platoon of Navy SEALS
with orders to take the beach.
De-classified CSIS long-range photos, taken from the back of a
mobile CSIS monitoring station
cleverly disguised as a rusty 1967
Valiant showed the USS Nimitz, an
aircraft carrier, heading north after
leaving Bremerton Naval Base
unannounced Sunday morning.
En route to English Bay, a
Canadian Destroyer, the newly
commissioned HMCS Tobin, was
overwhelmed by marines from the
Nimitz. Almost all of the personnel
on board were captured, save for
Lieutenant Hobrough, who managed to escape by jumping ship in
the middle of Georgia Straight and
swimming to shore.
It was Lieutenant Hobrough's
timely warning that helped alert
the nearby municipalities.
"The Tobin was definitely taken by
American forces," said Hobrough.
"They didn't treat [captured personnel] too well. The conditions were
inhuman. They fed us nothing but
Spam and American beer. It was
The American ships cut a devastating swath as they traveled northwards up the Inside Passage.
Numerous small coastal townships
were raided, occupied, and drained
of all alcoholic beverages.
"Their plundering managed to
slow them down a little," said
Corporal Wright, of the Canadian
Armed Forces Reserves. "When they
got a hold of the Granville Island
Lager," he said "droves of them
ended up getting drunk and puking
all over the place. You can't pass
through White Rock without getting a whiff of vomit."
"In retrospect, the thing that really
helped us out a lot was when they
occupied a town who's bank had
just received a shipment of
Twonies. I reckon they spent at
least a couple of hours trying to
take those things apart."
Enough time, apparently, to summon several battalions of Reservists
to attempt to stop the American
landing forces from establishing a
beachhead at False Creek.
"Unfortunately," said Captain
Schnitzel, Reserve Forces
Operations Manager, "we were
completely misinformed about
where the Americans would come
ashore. Most of the troops ended
up wandering about the beach and
looking out to sea."
"Some of the men took some shots
at what they thought were F-14's,
only those turned out to be Canada
Geese. Those geese can look deceptively large," he said defensively.
When asked if anyone had considered that it would have been
impossible to anchor a nuclear-
powered aircraft carrier in False
Creek, Schnitzel replied "We just
went where we were told. When
you've got command of five hundred men armed with automatic
weapons, who has time to think?"
Meanwhile, twenty crack Navy
SEAL teams coming up on English
Bay encountered no opposition
whatsoever, aside from the occasional eccentric balancing rocks on
the shore, up until they ran headlong into a band of Canada Postal
Service workers.
"I guess it was really lucky, us coming down to the beach when we
did," said Jules Claven, of the
Richmond Postal Service. "Me an' a
bunch of the guys had just come
from target practice at the rifle
range, and then who do we see but
these jokers in wet suits with really
crappy guns coming up the beach."
The firefight that ensued was brief,
and there were remarkably no fatalities. After a few halfhearted
attempts to find cover behind the
rotten logs on the beach, the Navy
SEALS surrendered.
"I guess they were surprised by our
firepower," chuckled Claven, patting the nuzzle of his Ingram MAC-
20. "One of the boys managed to
take out: the Nimitz with the rocket
launcher he'd gotten at the
Postman's Christmas Auction."
"As for the SEALS, since we didn't
know what to do with 'em, so's we
packaged 'em up and FedEx'ed 'em
back to the States. I hear they've
got really good overnight delivery."
The United States Government
denies any involvement in the skirmishing. "As far as we know," said
Congressman James Pitt the
Younger, "CaptairrSffiith of the
Nimitz acted entirely on his own.
We do not condone in any way his
horrible treatment of prisoners of
war, nor his entirely unethical raids
on coastal towns. It's not like he
even brought us back any good
beer, or anything."
"And as for the American situation, well, we're looking into just
FedEx'ing the whole country somewhere else. Preferably to the
Axed J
Scott Waters
"Ve hav vays of making you tock."
Political Correspondent
VICTORIA(CP)- Premier Glen Clark
today unveiled a plan that would
cut government spending by stiver-
al hundred million dollars, by completely eliminating provincial election campaigns.
"This government respects ordinary British Columbians far too
much to continue fleecing them for
this sort of thing," Clark said at a
news conference. Having hinted at
a quick election since he was sworn
in on Feb. 22, the premier once
again exploded the predictions of
the pundits, although it is now
clear why the NDP had nominated
so few candidates.
This latest cost-Cutting move is
part of the government's plan to
balance the provincial budget by
the middle of the next millennium.
Also, as Environment Minister Moe
Sihota pointed out after Clark had
spoken, "So much of the a govern
ment's time is taken up trying to be
re-elected. So obviously there are
many hidden costs of democracy,
and now we can devote our full
resources to taxing the shi— um, I
mean, to running the province."
Sihota went on to show how many
forests are cut down to supply the
paper for each election campaign
and described the electoral process
as "a frivolous, unnecessary, superfluous, extravagant, unwarranted,
inefficient, waste of time."
Predictably, opposition leader
Gordon Campbell denounced the
move, claiming that the NDP is
stealing the Liberal's policies one by
one and insisting that the scheduled changes not take effect until
after the next provincial election.
It has not yet been decided how
M.LA's and governments will be
chosen without elections, but Clark
promises that the government will
address such problems some time
during it's second term. PAGE 2
Mar 13,1996
Desu* readers,
Writing an editorial like
this feels as if I'm writing my own epitaph. Or
It's hard to accept that this is the
last time I get to use the editorial
"we" but yes, this is the time of
year that the editorialship
changes. Of course, I decided to
bail out a bit early this time so I
could salvage my grades.
It's the right time. I've been
responsible for 23 issues of this
beloved rag. And by now, I've run
out of ideas, out of time, and
frankly, out of patience.
So, the torch passes to John
Hallett, loyal columnist and one
of the few people who've been
there consistently since before I
took over.
My very first
This is the first editorial I've
ever written. I don't even
know what's supposed to go
in here. From previous issues and
volumes, it seems that the editorial mostly consists of the editor
ranting about how unfair the
world is. So here goes:
- "Oh cruel world, why do you
mock me so? What have I done
to deserve this evil fate? Who
may 1 blame and/or incarcerate
for the failings of others"? <sigh>
Somewhat non-convincing, eh? I
guess I'll Just take a more convention approach and give an
overview of this issue and recent
events here at The 432.
Firstly: I won the election for
Director of Publications. Whether
that can be classified as a good or
bad thing remains to be seen. I
now have four times the work
and the added stress of being the
sole screen between Jeremy's
mind and the general public.
Now, for those of you who
remember Blair saying similar
stuff about me a few years back,
let me just say that prozac works
I'm also enthralled by the concept of just being the editor. Now
I can walk up to strange girls at
bzzr gardens and say "Hey baby,
I'm the editor of The 432, does
that turn you on?"
Secondly: As you may have
noticed above, Blair has resigned.
It seems the over-all stress was
getting to him. Everyone here at
SUS is happy to see exactly how
relaxed he after resigning.
Well, that and after the bzzr we
gave him. Have another on me,
Thirdly: We have a couple new
writers hidden amongst these
pages. I know previous editors
rarely took the time to talk about
new writers. But I'm different. I
care. No, really. Stop laughing.
Our first new columnist is the
Medieval Jake Gray, Slayer of Bzzr.
His articles portray a brief stay in
the hazy, crazy and sometimes
lazy world that is his life.
I have no idea who the other
columnist is. In fact, I've never,
ever met her before. The short-
haired blond stranger simply gave
us a disk and a note saying:
"Publish this or die,"
Now, I couldn't just publish
some one because they threatened me. The article had to be
funny. After a short inspection, I
discovered that the article was
unusual enough to be published
in our paper.
This was a relief to me. Mostly
because she looked like the type
the may just follow    through on
Oh well, my space is running
out. So 111 sign off by saying: "If
you know who this mysterious
stranger is, let me know."
My first paper and I already have
a mystery. Cool.
I'm not sure what else to say. I'll
still be around, if that's what
you're worried about. (And I'm
sure none of you actuallyare...)
After all, I just got elected to
Senate. Finally, I'll be able to put
my grouchiness and general all
around meaness to a good use.
I've got a lot of great memories
over the years. Some people buy
school jackets. Others buy school
rings. Me, I'm gonna bind up the
last two years of The 432 and take
that with as a momento of the
years at UBC.
Ten years from now, I'll be rereading these words and thinking
of all the people who made this
paper possible.
It's been a frustrating job. But it's
also been a pleasure and an honour. Thanks...
<serious mode on>
It'll be hard to do it without ya,
<serious mode off>
I have come from a distant star system?
I [have come to purchase SUS Science
wear. Bring me to your Sales Rep.
The vile behaviour of your dogs must
be punished. Prepare to die!
.- *
The Fire-Hydra irtvasion has begun! \bu will all be assimilated! Run
away, run away! However, in ihe general oonRjsion cf exhrJenesfrial
warfare, if s a good time to come to SUS (Chem BloX))ard purchase
your Science wear:
Polar fleece
Rugby shirt
Science shirts
Gefem whilethey're still iTcfexidive!
"The fascination of shooting as a
sport depends almost wholly on
whether you are at the right or
wrong end of the gun"
- P. 6. Wodehouse
Volume 9 Number 11
13 Mar 1996
Just arrived at the home
John Hallett (fibble@unixg.ubc.ca)
Old, bitter farts with no memo-
ries after 1948	
Jay Garcia
Blair McDonald
Jeremy Thorp
Matt Wiggin (where is he, anyway?)
Official Village Idiot
Hiro "1/2 bzzr" Izumi
Aidless baby boomers
Doug Beleznay, Fahreen Dossa,
Jake Gray, Tracy MacKinnon,
Frenchy Mattel, Kim Strathers,
Scott Thompson, Scott Waters,
Some guy named Wiggin;
Our manifesto
The 432 is registered to the
Science Undergrad Society.
Electronic versions of this paper
are available at http://www.
For the secrets of in-home fermentation, wrinkle-free old age,
or how to capture and domesticate wild Hiros, call us at 822-
Any claims for old age pensions
will be sprayed with kerosene
and burned for warmth. Mar 13,1996
3       2
Jerfs guide to Iff.
Life is like Monopoly.
Everybody has it, everybody
plays it, but no one can ever
find the damned instructions.
Trust me, I've checked under the
board, under the little metal dog,
and even in that cheap-assed
plastic thing that holds the
money. No instructions. This lack
of regulation generally causes
confusion — how much money
do we get to start? Can we trade
properties? I'm supposed to put
my piece where??
So, being the keener I am, and
having a considerable amount of
time walking home from SUB on
a certain Friday night, I decided
to create a new set of rules for
this thing we call life.
1. Each player shall receive a set
of three cards. These cards can be
used at anytime during the
'game', but each card can be used
only once. These cards are as follows:
a.) Get out of jail free. Yep, just
like the game, but in real life
there's no chance of rolling doubles. Here's a little hint — don't
use this one for that drunk in a
public place charge. Save it for
something more 'important.'
<No, I swear officer, I didn't know
it was illegal. Yes, sir, I think he
did have the gumboots on when I
got there. >
b.) Get out of an embarrassing
situation free. This one is pretty
much as above, only it would be
retroactive for a 24 hour period,
thus making it particularly useful
for Saturday mornings. Once
again, though, it's probably a
good idea to save the card for a
really self-depreciating situation.
<Hey, Jer! Do you remember last
night when you danced on the
table without any...oh, you're
playing the card. Sorry.>
c.) The Force™ card. You've seen
Star Wars. This card can do pretty
much anything, from pulling
your car out of the mud, to blowing up those pesky deathstars. It's
particularly useful for those situations requiring mind control.
<You don't need to see my ID.>
<We don't need to see his
ID.xYbu should give me free
drinks.xWe should give him free
drinks. >
2. Every space on the board shall
represent one day, and each day
shall have recess and nap-time. At
10:30 a.m, everyone will stop
whatever they're doing, and go
outside to play. At 2:30p.m., we'll
all pull out blue gym mats, and
well have a nap for 25 minutes.
Everyone shall have to play nicely and share during recess, and no
WHEN: Fri. March 15 1996
4:32 pm
Where: BIOL 2449
Details: Members get two free!
Bzzr drinking contest!
Pizza for sale!
one shall talk, pinch, or tickle
during nap-time. On extra-special
days, we will all get snacks.
3. Players will not only get sick
days off work and school, but also
healthy days off. If you wake up
in the morning, and you feel really quite definitely not entirely
bad, you can take the day off, and
do something fun. <Hello, Bob?
Yeah, this is Jer. I can't come into
work today, I'm feeling a bit over
the weather. Yes, I think I should
be worse by tomorrow. Pickles
and tequila? I'll give that a try.
Thanks. Bye.>
4. Each player is only allowed
one turn around the board
(except followers of various eastern religions and members of
LaToya's psychic network.)
Backwards movement is also not
permitted, even if you have a
DeLorean or a modified toaster.
Players must move one space at a
time, although ending points and
number of spaces played may
vary among competitors.
5. Contrary to popular belief,
the winner of the game is not the
person left with the most
coloured money, or even the last
player left on the board. Scoring
is instead based on a complex rating system, which includes, but is
not limited by the following criterion: days played, flowers
smelled, beers drunk, punches
ducked, assignments finished,
classes skipped, warts removed,
editors avoided and skunks captured. Each of these criterion is
weighed, sorted and incorporated
into one of those crazy-assed formulas you see on Bugs Bunny™,
which spits out a number somewhere between one and four.
The only problem I've been able
to discover is that I'm not exactly
sure whether a high score is good
or bad. I'm pretty sure it's bad,
since according to my calculations I have a 3.9, and last time I
checked I was not quite god-like.
Nevertheless, this set of rules is
far better than the one I found in
my last fortune cookie, even after
I added 'in bed.' I'm still having
some problems from a small
group of religious types, and
some little green guy keeps showing up at my door, insisting that
the Force™ is copyrighted. I'm
working on it, though, and I'm
pretty sure that I'll have a finished copy ready by sometime
tomorrow. Now if I can just get a
hold of that God guy...
Jet's wisdom has become renowned
and recognized throughout ihe land.
In fact, SUS is now getting a steady
stream of "offerings" from his followers.
Jer's summer vacation plans involve
starting a cult in Oregon.
\ AnnouncmgThe"neitcontesl]
! from The 432!
I We hove too many T-Shirts. We would really like to give you,
Ithe loyal readers, one. So we dreamed up a contest to achieve
Ithis goal.
■ The first person to answer the skill testing question below will
(receive a free, limited edition The 432 T-Shiirt.
I Stylin'l
j In 1993, The 432 spoofed the Ubyssey.
J The name of this special issue was:
j Contest Details: This contest is not open to SUS hacks, their
[families, friends, plant pals, or pets.
| If you know the answer, just write it in the box, cut out this
[form and seek out some one official looking in SUS.
I — —  .	
3       2
Mar 13,1996
Summer jobs.
Fire is one of those things
your mother probably
warned you about. Let's face
it, fire is hot, unpredictable and
downright dangerous. It even has
it's own hazard symbol (something I'd like to accomplish in my
But it's soooo pretty. Especially
when it's burning lots of things
at the same time. You get the
whole range of oranges, reds, and
blues. Some of it is very bright
and there are dark splotches
where the flame isn't quite as
intense. And fire dances. A rhythmic, pulsating, memorizing dance
that says "Spread me, John, light
the walls on fire. Burn things.
Burn people, John." But I digress.
Don't worry. I've never done
what the fire tells me. Well, none
of the bad things, at least.
It wasn't far from staring wide
mouthed and drooling at burning
things to the conclusion that I
could make art with fire. Think
about it: fire is often considered
to be alive. Art is supposed to
mirror life. It all adds up. 2+2=4.
So my new mission in life was to
construct fire art. (My old mission
was to communicate with invisible dwarves via the little man living in my index finger. It met
with limited success until I tried
staying awake for the entire
month of February.)
Now I set out to find things for
my masterpiece. I needed stuff to
burn, er, display in a fantastic
drama of life and death. Think
about it, fire has a birth, life, and
death. It mirrors reality rather
well, I think. All that and it leaves
a blackened, charcoal path wher
ever it goes. Much like I do.
So I found some stuff: phone
books, duct tape, an old buick,
second hand clothing, lingerie,
and the original draft of the US
Utilizing some 2x4s nabbed from
the walls of the Cheese, I constructed my artistic tribute to all
that is fiery. It stood a glorifying
24' high and violated almost
every building code in existence.
Next, I doused it rather liberally
with a clever combination of
kerosene, high octane gas and
nitro-glycerin. Not to mention
lots of fertilizer and diesel.
All that was left was to ignite my
masterpiece, let art progress, and
discuss my creation with all the
people who had shown up to
view my structure. I guess I
should have noticed that a large
majority of these people had yellow stripes down the sides of
their pants and were asking the
rest of the crowd exactly who was
responsible for the now flaming
obelisk. Needless to say, I ran
away. Very fast.
I observed, from a distance, my
creation's birth, life and subsequent premature death at the
hands of the UBC fire department
(who were, by the way, so completely and utterly unprepared for
getting a call to a real fire that it
took them 15 minutes to remember how to even turn on the
Art as fire, fire as art. It made
sense to me. But apparently the
authorities didn't agree. I leave
this little chapter of my life having gained but one thing: the
right to bitch about being
oppressed by the establishment.
Something I've been doing all
along, but now I'm qualified.
At least the little man living in
my index finger understands...
Engineering Undergraduate Society
Second Annual
Spring CarnEval
r, March 15
10 am to 4 pm, SUB Plaza
Games and Fun for Everyone!
bring your$$$ — all proceeds will benefit
Vancouver Make-a-wish Foundation
Yet again mid-March is upon
us; spring is in the air, and
about this time of year a
student's thoughts begin to turn
from how long it is until the
weekend to how long it is until
summer vacation. You only have
to survive another month and a
half of formal lab write-ups, late
midterms, hangovers incurred at
Arts County Fair, and, of course,
that road trip through that
month long root canal called
finals. In January, all that you can
recall of summer are vague, if
happy, memories. Summer is
remembered only as the four
months of nap time, sleeping in,
and having mom and dad cook
food you actually take pleasure in
eating. Right about now, however, you make the realization that
a) last summer you had a job,
quickly followed by b) you don't
have one lined up for this summer yet. (Insert frantic ransacking
of room to find copies of last
year's resume, copious whining
about having to job hunt, and an
increase in general anxiety, knowing that your parents still think
you're going back to the greenhouse where you worked last
summer, here.)
And so, yet another job hunt
Much like duck hunting, job
hunting is inevitably a frustrating
experience. You wind up spending large amounts of time in
uncomfortable clothing (hip-
waders, while looser than suits,
are usually half submerged in
cold water), waiting for something to happen. Instead of
standing around in a marsh all
day, waiting for a duck to fly over,
you sit around the reception area
for a couple of hours, filling out
your application, and waiting for
a personnel manager to appear.
As with any process governed by
chance, eventually the
duck/manager happens by. Then
you spring into action, firing any
available ammunition. Roughly
ten seconds later/the duck/manager is still traveling along their
previous course, only to be
bagged by the friend you came
with who always gets what they
want. Unlike duck hunting, there
is never beer involved in job
But there must be a solution to
all this, you say. Indeed, there is.
There are two possible strategies.
The first is to have a parent who
is high up in a company who can
pull strings and get us hired.
Unfortunately, this requires a significant amount of planning, and
what with school and all, you're
frequently too busy to do the
necessary groundwork. The second, most viable option is
straight creativity. This is not the
"make your own work; go ask
Aunt Kelly if she needs her fence
painted again this year" parental
brand of creativity. You; want a
real job with weekends off, and a
hourly wages exceeding four dollars.
The first thing to do is find an
interesting/high paying/easy job.
This, I can't be much help with,
seeing as how I usually wind up
in a job where I dig fifty five
hours a week for minimum wage.
Next the application process
begins. It's very important to grab
the attention of the person reading your resume, so you should
fabricate it accordingly. The key
thing to remember when writing
a resume is that they can't hold
you to anything you say on it.
Now there's bending the truth,
which most people seem to advocate, and then there's outright
lying, the strategy that I prefer.
For example, if applying for a job
requiring design experience, it's
great to list "NASA: Chief engineer of the shuttle program.
Responsibilities included coordinating over thirty different engineering teams," etc. Now granted,
if a resume like this gets you an
interview, you've got to come
clean and say that you didn't
actually work for NASA. Just tell
them that they consulted you in
an opinion poll and the person
typing your resume misunderstood you. Just remember that
the resume is your first contact
with the company, and you've
got to convince them that they
should interview you over someone who is actually qualified for
the job.
If indeed you are granted an
interview, you have to make sure
you make an impression. Try to
dress in something both different
and classy. (Note: orange tuxedos
are taking things too far.) In
preparation for the interview, it's
always a good idea to find the
person who had the job before
you, and find out what got them
fired. Make sure you say you'll
never do whatever "it" was somewhere in the interview. When
greeting the interviewer, shake
his or her hand, but try to avoid
excessive physical contact. Never
attempt to hug the interviewer.
If you sense that the interview
has gone badly, you still have a
number of options. Bribery, however,! is a bad idea. The whole purpose of getting a job is to make
money. Threatening is useful
only very rarely, it should especially be avoided if you are to
work closely with the interviewer.
If things go badly, accept it, and
try to salvage what grace and dignity you can. Then, after the
interview is over, you can
improve the impression you
made by keeping in touch with
the company, and particularly the
person who interviewed you.
Follow him or her home; wait
outside of the office and go to
luhch with her; call him on weekends. Do whatever it takes to
make sure you're not forgotten.
The hardest part about this technique is resisting the urge to
become overzealous. Many a
potential job has been lost due to
an untimely restraining order.
Well, good luck, and remember,
rejection builds character.
Matt's one of those folks who we
just know will wind up working for
the NDP in their Offshote Cash
Stashing Department.
-ed. Mar 13,1996
The quest for the holy couch
Old Uncle Jake
Senile Correspondant
Gather round boys and girls,
time for another fireside
chat with good ole Uncle
Jake. Today I'm gonna tell you
story bout a great group of
Adventurers who have yet to be
outdone in their exploits of
grandeur and heroism.
For many a moon in the land of
SUS the peasantry grumbled and
complained for lack of couches.
For without enough couch space
many were forced to stand for
days on end without anywhere to
sit. Disease and famine would
soon follow suit if the problem
could not be solved. Sure enough
couches could be bought, but the
land of SUS was one of honour,
not wealth, for their money had
already been spent on the great
golden elixir of life, known in
those days as bzzr. And so the
problem came before the leader
of the SUSites: Tracy the Terrible.
Now/Tracy was far from terrible,
but terrible just has such a ring to
it. She brought together SUSes
finest to send forth in an effort to
procure only the best of couches
for her people. Sir Jay the Fickle
was called forth from the far
reaches of Webland to add his
amazing skills of navigation (he
had the address). Sir Mike the Fey
added the necessary brute
strength that such a mission
demands (we needed people to
carry the thing). Sir Jer the
Inebriated was brought forth
from the very depths of SUS to
add moral support 0er came
Mysterious Stranger
Sick and Twisted Correspondent
Much as many of us would
like to deny it, there are
things that we all do that
we would never admit we have ,
done. This is simply the result of
a perfectly natural fear of embarrassment. But wouldn't we be
happier if we just accepted these
things as natural and didn't try to
hide them? Return to that state
of un-selfcondousness that we
had as kids when we would share
an ice cream cone with a dog
without thinking twice.   Break
wind and say "Wow, I feel better
now." You would not believe
how many girls I know who
refuse to defecate in a public
washroom for fear that someone
might hear the resulting splash.
There are some special folks,
however, that run through this
meager existence of ours never
caring whether or not somebody
cause he had nothing better to
do). And I, Sir Jake the Nauseous,
was chosen for my world renown
skills in projectile vomiting (I
have a truck). What that has to
do with projectile vomiting I
have yet to figure out.
We set forth on a gloriously
sunny day in search of the prize
that would bring us all great
honor and respect, not to mention a free beer. For the first few
miles our trip was rather uneventful. We were all of high spirits as
we zipped along the great stone
highways of the land (no, high
spirits does not refer to the state
of our sobriety). We had a few
minor skirmishes along the way
but nothing of great importance
until we rounded the turn up
King Ed to bring us face to face
with pure Evil, LFA. Yes we had to
fight our way through the hordes
of the Sirens of Little Flower
Academy. Body parts were flying
left and right as we came to grips
with the situation. Jer screamed
like a girl. After Jer finally lost his
voice we realized the body parts
were from small dolls that the
creepy little LFA girls were throwing at cars on the road.
After the near death experience
we continued on the long dreary
path through forest, swamp and
mountains. When we finally
neared the end of our journey in
deep dark East Van I found out Sir
Jay didn't actually know where
the excursion was headed, but
he'd recognize it when he saw it.
Yeah right.
As we desperately searched for
this magnificent couch we decided we'd just barge into somebody's house and walk out with
their couch. Unfortunately a very
large dog-like animal put a
damper on this plan, as well a
large tear in Sir Jer's pants.
So we started knocking on all the
doors in the general area. We figured we'd get more ground covered if we split up, so Sir Jer headed North, Sir Jay headed East, Sir
Mike headed south, and I headed
to the bar.
A few hours and several pints
later I ended up in front of some
house pissing on the lawn. This
can be quite embarrassing at 2.30
in the afternoon. And then I saw
it. Through the window in front
of me behind the girl staring at
me peeing, the couch of the gods!
Only through divinity could such
a marvelous piece of furniture be
created. The plush velvet, the
remarkable Olive drab, And the
perfect curve for lying down. I
knew then that our quest was
After some deft quick ineffectual
explaining about the whizzing, I
found out that this was in fart
the domicile of the keeper of the
couch, Lady Sara the
Downtrodden. After the rest of
the crowd showed up and
explained that in fact I wasn't
recently released from Riverview,
we tried to remove the couch and
realized that in fact the couch
could not leave its place designated by the gods. In other words it
wouldn't fit out the door.
It had to have gotten in there
Vulgar nirvana.
sees them trying to pull their
underwear out of their butt.
These are the people you see at
Wreck Beach in the summer
wearing nothing but a fanny pack
and white knee socks.    (Hey, it's
comfortable and practical, if
somewhat unflattering.)
Unfortunately, people only usually reach this stage once they are
too old, too rich, or too drugged
up to care anymore. Myself, I am
making a concerted effort to
achieve this state of vulgar nirvana before my 21st birthday.
(Some say I'm more than halfway
there.) I've admitted things that I
thought I never would to some
friends of mine and have had
mostly supportive, if surprised,
reactions. It sure helps to explain
the frequent visits to Mountain
Equipment Co-op and Roxy's on
Granville (the store, not the bar.)
And that's the whole point here -
take a page from the gay rights
movement and realize that your
life would be a lot less stressful if
you didn't have to pretend to be
someone you're not. Your true
friends are the ones who love you
whether or not you scratch your
butt in public.
Some may say, "OK, so there's a
80% chance that everybody else
does that strange thing that I do,
but what about the last 20% ■
how do I know that my loved
ones won't recoil in disgust when
I recount BDSM fantasies involving Boss Hogg and Rosco
Coltrane?" As a helpful guide,
there are some clues to whether
what you are about to admit is
actually really warped or just a
cute quirk. If somebody asks why
all the peanut butter is missing,
it's probably a bad idea to say
"Well, let's just say that I feel
much more... relaxed now and
the dog won't be hungry for iai     ,
while (nudge nudge wink wirik)."
Whereas if you are simply admitting that you occasionally eat
somehow, so we figured if we
pushed hard enough it would go
through eventually. Sir Jer passed
out and dropped the couch on Sir
Jay's foot making him scream and
drop his corner of the couch
pushing me into the wall.
Surprisingly enough, Sir Mike
escaped unscathed only to realize
that the lava lamp in the corner
had fell off its stand, smashed
and lit the curtains on fire. After a
nice size hole had burnt through
the wall we ran out with the
couch. It would have been a lot
easier if Sir Jer hadn't been sleeping on the couch already.
Through large difficulty and
about three hundred feet of rope
we finally got the beast of a
couch wedged on top of my
truck. So off we went at top speed
to rush back to SUS with our
prize. Weaving through traffic
like a rat through jell-o, we rocketed back towards SUS. When we
arrived back, a large throng of followers eagerly awaited our homecoming. That's throng not thong,
but that could me going into a
completely different story about
this time at the beach, but I'm
supposed to keep my pants on in
these stories. So any way we got
this wicked new green velvet
couch in SUS.
I'm going to go drink beer.
Old Uncle Jake doesn't exist We
just recycled an old Arthurian legend
for this story. Did you like it?
your own toenail clippings in the
interest of recycling, well, it's not
likely to attract women, but it
won't get you arrested. If it causes someone else harm or discomfort, you'd best keep it to yourself. Better yet, re-examine your
reasons for doing what you do.
Picking your nose to dislodge a
particularly pointy booger is one
thing - picking someone else's
just to see what's there is something else entirely.
<new age mode on>
Do everything that you do with
the goal of achieving inner peace
in mind, and you shall never go
<new age mode off>
Now don't you all wish we could be
a little more like this?
Nah, me neither,
The next issue
of The 432 is
coming soon...
Deadline: March 20th.
Distributed: March 27th. PAGE 6
H      E
Mar 13,1996
Official St. ■ #atricks
(aud b«*r) theme
Irish Fiin.
(a guide to safe drinking)
Here at The 432, we're very concerned about your health and
well-being. Seeing as St. Pat's day
is upcoming and as there tends to
be a lot of general health related
stress on or about St. Pat's day
(due mostly to alcohol), we've
compiled a list of tips to keep you
safe in your irish celebrations.
1.) Drink out of the largest container possible (See picture.)
This prevents frequent, often
dangerous trips to treacherous
beer line-ups.
2.) Empty your drinking container quickly (See picture). Beer
left to stagnate in the bottom
of drinking vessels can harbour potentially pathogenic
microbial growth.
3.) Move. Never stay in the same
position for more than 10
minutes. Congealed beer may
cause your shoes to adhere to
the floor, therefore preventing
any further trips to the above
mentioned beer line ups.
4.) Ignore advice from anyone
who is drunker, or nearly as
drunk as you. Such advice is
SUS affiliate' Eric "The Fish"
Jensen demonstrates the proper
technique for conservative beer
Not about
aiiytliing, really.
Sir Jake the Nauseous
—^-^ ■■nw-—^.^;       ,     , .—■ i        ■■—..—    -_-—-,-„„i, .-■   	
Bur Correspondent
Why is it that bzzr just seems to make a daygo more smoothly? Here I am in bed after a day of pure unadulterated rest,
not that I know what unadulterated means, hell and I
haven't had a bzzr all day. Now I'm sitting in bed writing. Wait a sec-
ond.......<insert the sound of opening bzzr here> ahh nothing like
clean sheets and a frosty mug of bzzr, except maybe a rock hard alibi,
but I'll get into that on a later date. Think about it, you don't have to
go anywhere to fall asleep and bed pans work quite well. The only
problem I can see with drinking in bed is that bottles tend to wedge
right in the small of your back. I highly recommend keeping the
empty case by the headboard to chuck your bottles.
The best day I've had in a long time involved copious amounts of
that free flowing liquid we all lovei On the Friday before the break I
drank an inordinate amount of bzzr, had an absolutely great time, and
past out at around 1 am. I awoke feeling fresh and full of life.
Unfortunately I didn't wake up until Sunday, but I didn't mind starting my break a little late.
The more I think about it the more amazed I get on the subject of
bzzr. Who would think to boiimalt, hops, and barley and then ferment it? Bloody genius I tell you. The only thing that confuses me
about bzzr is those darn goggles that come with it. I swear most guys
lose the perception of attractiveness in direct proportion to the
amount of bzzr consumed. I swear after the last booze-up out at the
family farm the neighbour's sheep were all a bit more skittish. Those
rat-bastard sheep. I was out fixing a fence one day and took a case to
keep me company, bzzr's a great listener you know. Anyway, every
time I turned my head the little buggers stole a bzzr. By the time the
fence was finished I had one left and there were sheep playing train all
over the field.
I wonder what brand of bzzr God drinks? He's probably got his own
micro brewery. There's a company I'd like to invest in. Actually I think
God already tried to market it, but it didn't go to well. Too many holy
On that note I'd just like to say don't spill in bed cause it gets real
sticky. <insert sound of bzzr opening hero
This article was filmed in 3B.
3 bzzr and it looks good, eh?
rarely if ever advantageous to
your well being.
5.) Ignore advice from anyone
who is sober, or not nearly as
drunk as you. Such advice is
rarely if ever advantageous to
your continued state of inebriation.
6.) Avoid at all costs any fluid
which looks like beer, but has
a fruity aroma. This may not
in fact be beer, but rather a
domestic herbicide known
commonly as 'cider.'
7.) If the drinking establishment
runs out of beer, search immediately for a common domestic herbicide known as 'cider.'
Although the substance is poisonous its effects can be avoided by flushing the system with
beer within a 'safe period' of
approximately one hour.
8.) Beware of the common disorder known as 'falling asleep,'
or in more severe cases, 'passing out.' Suspected victims
should be led outdoors, and
should be given a nutritional
supplement, such as beer, or
9) The beer is never greener on
the other side of the hill. Well,
except for this particular day,
when there is a possibility
they're using more dye.
Nevertheless, always finish
your beer before leaving the
bar. Half-filled abandoned
glasses are considered insulting to most traditional
10)Drink responsibly. Remember,
someone has to be responsible
for all that beer.
That's it!
From all of us at The 432 to all of
you out there: "Party long and
party safe!"
A PSA From
The 432
In an effort to curb the usual flood of hypochondriacs to doctor's
offices on March 16% The 432 has researched the most common
source of anxiety. We Tiave concluded that the simple sign below
will calm even the most alarmed shamrock celebrater.
Instructions for use: Cut out and paste above your toilet before going out
to party on St. Patrick's Day.
m PMG8
mmm mm Mar 13,1996
The Mundane Dumpster.
Tracy MacKinnon
Another deadline and once
again I'm done on time!
Hurrah! Hmmmm, well
what can I tell you all? By the
time you read this a new executive will have been elected. At
this time though I have no idea
who they'll be so I can't really say
anything more about that.
Searching for a topic/searching,
searching...on Thursday the 14th
of March SUS will be having our
AGM! It's going to be In SUB
212A at 1:30 pm. The new executive will be presented and awards
given out and then we'll get to
eat goodies!
The Faculty Teaching Awards
should be wrapping up this week,
so by the next 432 I'll be able to
tell you who the best profs in science are this year.
Searching....desperately. We're
considering buying a new computer and other neat gadgets
before the year end. Perhaps
even get our photocopier upgraded - wouldn't that be a treat!
Well I can't think of anything else
that's particularly riveting, so
until the next deadline...
Tracy is consistently on time with
her reports. As a result, she's about
as good for my ulcers as a good shot
Frank the Lumberjack	
For those of you who managed to find my article in the
last issue of The 432, you
may have noticed that it was
somewhat more concise than
usual. For some reason my "personal ramblings" had been brutally deleted and only the information pertaining to S.U.S. social
events had been included. I am
at a complete loss as to why; as
Social Coordinator, I feel that my
personal life should be of utmost
importance to everyone on campus.
On that note,T would like to
share some exciting news about
myself with everyone. I shall
soon be tearfully relinquishing
my position as Social Coordinator
of S.U.S. and will be heading off
to Sweden! Yes, it's true, I shall
be spending next year in the land
that gave us Abba. But don't
worry, I'll be back the following
year, so feel free to drop by S.U.S.
any time for a chat about my
experiences, especially if you
speak Swedish.
Socially speaking, there's only
one big event left for SUS. and
BASH on March 29th. Thanks to
the help of my right hand man
and right hand woman (especial-
Election Results!
As you may or may not know, SUS recently
tions. It was all very exciting and thrilling. A
results. (No politicians were harmed in the c
Well, maybe Jeremy, but who keeps track of
Contested Positions
held our executive elec-
few days later, we have
ompilirig of these results,
these things, anyway?)
Tracy MacKinnon
Bella Carvalho
Blair McDonald                    99
Carmel Chan                         45
Jake Grey       "                      25
Parisa Mehrkhoduvandi          21
Muktak Aklujkar                   21
Taro Inoue                               19
Spoils                                     13
John Hallett
Jeremy Thorp
-v      '-'
Orin Del Vecchio
Taro Inoue
Public Relations Offi
d Positions
Kathryn Murray
Andrew Lim
Henry Wong
Doug Beleznay
Warrick Yu
Phil Ledwith
Mike Boetzkis
Internal Vice Prez
Director of Finance
Director of Sports
External Vice Prez
Social Coordinator
ly my wise and indestructible
right hand woman) I think this
one may just top them all!
Stay tuned for more details —
and remember, with a S.U.S.
event, how can you go wrong?
No one has seen Fahreen for weeks
now. In fact, we're not even sure if
She's still alive.
This guy Frank just drops off her
reports and buys me bzzr. So who
am I to complain?
Jay Garcia®	
Internal Court Jester
Well, folks, the time has
come, the voters (all 5%
of you) have spoken,
and the results of the scrimmage
are in this paper.
But the result is that I know who
my heir apparent is, and I'm in a
position to groom him for his
upcoming trials than my predecessor did for me - hot that it
was her fault, after all, there's that
little problem of having a body of
water separating the two of us.
Anyway, the entire series of
events has led me to one conclusion: Document Everything.
Details to follow after my court-
martial. See ya next time.
Mr. Garcia is currently enjoying a
brief vacation at Prof. Bill's College
of Therapeutic Medicine after suffering a relatively severe nervous
breakdown during the elections
He said it had something to do
with inconsistent polling results
Sorry for voting 15 times, Jay
Anna Carvalho .
Public Elatfons Officer
Last week in the world
of Public Relations, I
attended every bzzr garden
in the interest of preserving facul
ty peace. Lord knows, we don't
want yet another EUS/SUS war.
At each said bzzr garden, I have
it on good authority that I drank
a six pack in under 5 minutes,
danced naked on a table and proceeded to go home with a random engineer each night.
All was fine and dandy until I
took home the EE mascot last
On other news fronts, our
praised and oft poked-fun-at EUS
prez Jill will soon be replaced by
Rachel Barstow.
The new EUS VPs are (in no particular order):
Doug Manarin and some 'geer
named Ron of Hundred Mile.
And that's it, folks.
Anna ignored the sign on the whiteboard in SUS that said "All executive reports must be submitted by
4:32pm Friday. Or I'll write them for
you. -John"
Well, now I've made good on my
threat. I had to, or no one would
take me seriously from now 6n.
Needless to say, none of the story is
true. But truth is rarely fun, is it?
Bella Carvalho	
External Vices
Guess who else forgot to write an
executive report?
Now The 432 proudly presents a
brief history of the External Vice
Oops. Did I do that?
Naughty John!
-ed. PAGES
Mar 13,1996
How to hunt, trap, and
skin a summer job.
Around this time every year,
I can see the signs of
approaching summer. Yes,
yes, I know it's still the opening
of spring (March coming in like a
lamb and going out like a lion,
and all that — or is that the other
way around? —but I digress).
The signs are ubiquitous.
Everywhere you go, there are
wide-eyed students cramming for
exams, hopped up on enough
caffeine and stimulants to keep
entire Norwegian townships
awake during the four months of
Arctic night. Then there can be
heard the cries of the compulsive
travelers, who can be found in
the SUB arguing about frequent
flyer mileage and the shortest
route to Ouagadougou via that
charming little village in the
Apennines where they sell the
most marvelous little raffia-work
wine holders.
As enlightening as it might have
been, the focus of this article is
not to be these people. Rather, I
am going to focus on a third,
more obscure, but infinitely more
familiar group, one which I, and
perhaps many (if not all) of the
432's readership have been a part
of at one point or another. I
speak, of course, of none other
than the summer job seekers.
<flashback mode on>
I remember when I was a young,
bright-eyed and keen high-school
graduate, on my first summer out
in the Real World (or Reasonable
Facsimile Thereof), looking for a
job to support me in my college
years. Ideally, my dream job
a) Pay well. So very well in fact
that I would have to work for but
one summer and earn enough
money for tuition, books, living
expenses and the occasional holiday splurge — say, for example,
backpacking through Europe
every summer — for the next four
b) Include frequent paid vacations, lunch breaks, and other
extraneous wastes of time.
c) Allow me to work whenever I
wanted, for howsoever long I
wanted, thereby letting me work
at night, before I went to bed, on
weekends, or whenever I had a
free spot in my schedule and didn't feel like staring at the TV for a
while (and then turning it on).
After three weeks of pounding
the pavement, handing in my
resume to various banks, libraries,
government services and other
businesses of dubious disposition,
and getting no response, save for
the perfunctory "Don't-call-us-
school-diploma" speech, my
hopes of getting my Ideal Job
were rather heavily dashed.
Needless to say, I was quickly
forced to downsize my expectations. In the end, I found myself
doing volunteer work for St.
Vincent's Hospital in Langara.
Now, while volunteer work is
FORUM  '96
The Chemistry Club invites you to attend
this year's forum which will be held on
Thursday, March 14 at the Plaza of
Nations from 11am to 4:30pm.
There will be several interactive
workshops which will address the
question of where the industry of today
is leading the chemistry of tomorrow.
We will also have several guest
speakers/including a representative
from Dow Chemical.
There is no charge.
Lunch is free.
Bus transportation will be provided for
$1 each way.
So, stop by the Chem Club in room
D222 and sign up!
uplifting and no doubt extremely
edifying (as I discovered, working
with the elderly lets you develop
the patience of Job as they endlessly and somewhat pointlessly
ramble on about their lives)(TJm,
Jay, isn't that like the pot calling the
kettle black? -ed.) it doesn't pay
anything worth a rat's ass.
So my first summer out in the
Real World was more or less a
bust, job-wise.
My second summer turned out
to be a whole lot better. Thanks
to a new and more effective
resume (and a pact with several
interesting denizens of the lower
hells), I ended up getting some
really cool jobs.
My best job that summer was
with the government, at a department which shall remain nameless for various contractual and
security based reasons — mainly
because I would hate to have two
dark-suited men drive up behind
me in a big black Cadillac and
show me some new and interesting elbows that I didn't know I
had. The job was cool, not only
because it paid well, but because
it allowed me to harass and
annoy people at all odd hours of
the day. On the minus side, the _
job kept me up at all odd hours of
the day.
<flashback mode off>
These days, my current job
more-or-less meets all of the parameters listed for that of my Ideal
Job (well, more-or-less, except for
the bit about paying for years of
education and having holidays in
Barbados with gorgeous, tanned,
and well-oiled young women).
Unfortunately, this job will soon
be ending, which means that,
once again, I'll be pounding the
mean streets of this hard city,
looking for the means to support
me in the way that I am accus-
. tomed.
This means that I have to update
my resume, seeing as it is now
two years out of date and unlikely
to garner me employment of any
sort (excepting, of course, for
employment at the seedier and
more dubious type of establishment with the sort of people
named Guido or Tiny watching
the door, who always seem to
have one hand permanently
thrust into their coats).
Additionally, this means that I
have to go out there and compete
with the hordes of you who, like
me, let their personal lives interfere with their financial planning
ability, and have waited this long
to apply for a job that should theoretically start in May.
I suppose that if I want to avoid
joining the throng of wide-eyed,
over-caffeinated, airfare-arguing,
job-seeking student-types milling
about the campus in the next little while, I'll have to delay my
search for employment until after
I win the lottery.
Jay cunently is employed at Sven's
House of 12 Year Old Lust on
Granville. He is, however, willing to
entertain job offers of almost any
kind. Except for walking dogs.
Jay hates dogs.
You, yes you.
Are you graduating? Good.
Then you want to be:
Class Speaker
This means you get to
speak at convocation
Just bring a cover letter to
Tracy in SUS.
Its that simple!
Anyone can do it!
Deadline: 25 March 1996


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