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The 432 Oct 21, 1998

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VOLUME   12   ISSUE   03  •   10.21.98
Dr. Piper vs Dr.
Science Funding Deathmatch
Wednesday, fitttbar 14th
Betrayed by Dr. Martha Piper and the
University of British Columbia, the
Faculty of Science has thrown down
the gauntlet in what is sure to become the
most controversial event of the year. The
University Commission has decided that
Science should have to absorb the major
cutbacks necessary to control UBC's growing debt.
Plans for the construction of a new
I'm going to
Chemistry complex to replace the
ageing Chem Buildings have been
scrapped by the Commission, along with
almost $15 million dollars in upgrades to
the other buildings. Fighting in
Science's defence is the new Dean,
Maria Klawe.
"We won't take this sitting down, I'm going
to go to the mat for each and every Science
student," said Klawe. "We, as a faculty, are
not going to put up with this kind of
garbage, not while I have anything to say
about it."
To solve the dispute, Drs. Piper and Klawe
decided to settle the matter in a no-holds-
barred,   fight  to   the   finish   on  Friday,
M§K]8t>Y Duncan
Oktober 23rd at 4:32PM. A celebratory beer garden will be held in honour of the victor in the Ballroom of the SUB from 6 to 10PM. There is only one rule of the match;
the first contender to concede defeat or lose consiousness will follow the mandate of
the other on the matter of Science funding.
432 special investigators witnessed the Dean training for her upcoming bout last
Friday at the Ph.D. thesis defence of a young Computer Science student, Jeff Steinbok.
"We got a sneak peak at Science's secret weapon," reports ex-editor and 432 mole
John Hallett. "Just when Jeff was beginning his third hour of his oral presentation,
James Little, an authority in AI, interrupted him, informing him that his time was up.
Suddenly, from over Dr. Little's left shoulder, whistled Maria's
dreaded Death Klawe. The shattering blow struck Jeff in the
face, knocking him to the ground in a bloody, quivering heap."
Rumours have been flying that this stiff
Opposition   has   Dr.   Piper   running
scarfed: She i^not defenceless though,
Martha still has the ability to
violently expunge the contents
of her stomach in the eyes of her
opponent. This was illustrated most
potently during last year's APEC Summit.
With such a titanic battle looming ahead, the entire campus is abuzz with rumours
and insider information trading, and everyone seem to be placing bets on their
favourite gladiator. At a press conference on Tuesday the 20th, the contenders were
seen together for the last time before Friday's fight.
"She'll submit or die. There is no escaping the power of the University Commission,"
said Piper. "I must make an example of her; soon no one will dare to oppose me."
"The tighter you squeeze, the more faculties will slip through your fingers," replied
Go to the mat for each
And every Science student.
- dr. rnaria klawe, dean of science
Dr. Klawe. "I'll give you something to think about."
So far, official odds-makers see
Dr. Klawe as the three to one
favourite over the President.
"Well, Klawe has to watch out
for Piper, Dr. P. is a crazy one,"
comments Mike Paglia, chief
bookie for the AMS. "She's been
known to summon imaginary
allies, and then fight like a 'roid
junky on PCP. Ultimately
though, I feel Dr. K. will overpower Piper. She's got spunk, that
Regardless if you are effected by
the funding policy or not, "you
will want to be ringside in front
of the SUB on Friday.
For those who can't make it,
there will be a Pay-Per-View special, "University Kumetai; Pipin'
Hot Piper vs. Maria 'The .Claw'
Klawe", which you can view live
for $36.95. This special will be
hosted by Don Cherry and Ron
McLean, who will be providing
the blow-by-blow commentary.
Look for it syndicated on UBC-TV
throughout the weekend.
Boron a Hoax: Science
Community "Very Upset"
The world of Science was rocked on
Wednesday when, at the annual
Chemistry Consortium in Sweden,
Jiirgen Faust announced that he had
single handedly fooled the world into
believing that there existed the ele-
Apparently Faust had amassed a great
deal of evidence proving that he was
the engineer of this amazing hoax.
"As the conference realized that
[Faust] was telling the truth, a chilling
silence shrouded the room," commented 432 Swedish Chemistry correspondent, Anna Mewhort.
"We're very upset, I mean Jesus, it's
the fifth one! How could we have
missed it," wondered a bewildered past
recipient of the Nobel Chemistry Prize.
The clincher came when Faust quelled
all disbelief by asking the crowded
auditorium if anybody present had
actually ever used Boron. To which
nobody spoke up.
The possible ramifications of this discovery are innumerable. The person
who discovers the fifth element would
be instantly famous. Perhaps Faust
knows the true element, and is just
waiting for the fame behind his latest
revelation to die out before releasing
the information, thus thrusting himself back into the limelight.
Another possibility is that there is no
such element with five protons. If this
is the case, then the whole structure of
modern Chemistry can collapse around
Boron occupied a special niche in all
of us. Wether the effect was a placebo
or not, it was real. Now we have a gaping hole in the periodic table that can
potentially be filled by anything from
Communist dogma, to more of those
tampon commercials on television.
No matter your background, or the
influence that Boron had on your life,
you now live in a darker, colder world. page Iwo
I've been a little disappointed lately.
I've been expecting the apocalypse
to come along for the past few years
and here we still are, living a life full of
wine women and debauchery.
I guess my belief in the inevitable end
of life on our planet started a few years
ago. In fact I think it was December
1985.1 was nine at the time and thoroughly enraptured with G.I. Joe and
Transformers. That Christmas I wanted
only two things in the whole world.   .
World peace? I don't think so. A cure
for Cancer? I was nine, cancer was for
grown-ups. A universal drug allowing a
quick euphoric high with absolutely no
side effects? At the time sugar was more
than ample, although Hughey Lewis
was doing extensive research in the
I wanted Snake-eyes and Optimus
Prime. I wanted them more than anything else. I wanted these toys so much
that I stayed up and prayed to some
benevolent power to grant me this one
simple wish.
I told this benevolent power, I hadn't
really figured out the difference
between god and Satan yet, that if I got
these two toys that the rest of the world
could just disappear.
Sure enough come Christmas morning,
what's under the tree but the fully
poseable Snake-eyes action figure and
the rig to robot Optimus Prime. I've just
been sitting around waiting for the
world to end ever since.
But it doesn't. Every day the alarm
goes off. I get out of bed and go about
with my daily albutions. This brings me
right to the topic of toilet seats.
Public toilet seats make me very nervous. So much so in fact, that I won't
go in a public washroom, unless I can
go standing up. This is going to make
travelling through Spain very difficult.
Oh well, how bad can impacted feces be
anyway? Then maybe the bastards at
the colostomy club will finally let me
Ah the colostomy bag. Here's a hint
people, at the upcoming Arts County
Fair, fill a couple of colostomy bags up
with booze. Then duck tape them to
your belly. There's not a security guard
alive who's going to confiscate a bag
full of intestinal juice.
Once inside you're set for the whole
day. all you need is a straw and you
don't even have to lift your arm to
drink. When you're done, the bag can
be reused as a portable John.
These things are great. You can fill
them up with anything from beer to
wine to Malibu to Rum to Scotch. You
could even fill one with booze and
three or four others with different mix.
You could be a walking bar.
You could even invent a new drink; the
Bile Bubbly, the Colon Coke, an
Appendix Ale, the Stomach Sour, or
maybe the Jejunem Julep. How about a
Duodenum Daiquari? The Bloody Mary
takes on an entirely new meaning.
Just make damn sure none of your
friends actually have a colostomy bag
attached that could somehow get
switched with your own. Remember the
immortal words of Ghandi, "Always
check for floaties." You could end up
having your day before exams get completely ruined by a little misunderstanding.
There's nothing like a little bout of
dysentery to completely wreck your
day, except maybe cholera, or dengue,
or Ebola.
When the world ends this time I'm
pretty sure you won't need a life jacket.
You see the flood has been done. Fire
and brimstone, sorry been there done
that. How about tornadoes? Ask someone who lives in a trailer park that one.
What about Volcanoes and lava?
Pompeii. Earthquake? San Francisco. An
asteroid two miles wide impacting the
earth and causing ecological disaster
due to the giant dust cloud encircling
the earth and causing a new ice age?
Crater Lake in Mexico. No it seems like
all the good natural disasters have
already been around to wipe stuff clean.
This time its going to have to be something that nobody really expects.
Like Ebola.
1" don't know, fay Garcia's pretty fearsome.
So, the fourth issue of the 432 is in
your hot little hands. You're reading
it, expecting a few moments of comedy, or maybe it's just there and you
have nothing better to do. I'm wondering what you're doing right now. Allow
me to conduct a survey of you the reader. I'd like you to email me at the address
below and tell me why you're reading
this issue, and if it's not too much trouble, what you thought of it.
I'm wondering, because I put a whole
bunch of time into this paper every two
weeks, and I want to know if you love it,
hate it, or are indifferent about it.
Believe it or not, I don't like to complain. Perhaps it's because I know a few
people who complain so much, you'd
think that they were being burned at the
stake. I'm not the only one that devotes
tons of time to the paper, everybody
below puts in a lo* of effort to make this
paper, and all they get is some free food,
and the satisfaction of a job well done.
We'd all like to know what you think.
Well, you're back from the email terminal, so I'll continue.
Beer is the bane of a student's existence.
Paradoxically, beer is the solution to all
problems, be they personal, educational,
or hygenical. The week of the 13th to
the 16th wasn't exactly conducive to
Tuesday was the first day back from
Thanksgiving, and our good friends, the
AUS, returned from their annual
Whistler cabin retreat. With them they
brought a keg of the ever-tasty Granville
Island Oat Soda. Unfortunately, due to
the fact that there were only thirty people present at the cabin, they managed
only to drink the first quarter of the keg.
Frenchy, official inter-faculty liaison,
informed us of the problem, so we
packed up our Science Mugs and headed
for Buch. Once there we informed the
AUS that the keg would not keep until
Friday's beer garden, and we managed to
steal away with three quarters of a keg
and our very own Arts first year named
So, we drank ourselves into blissful stupors. It sure was too bad about Jay's hat
Wednesday was fun. SUS had an executive meeting at 5:30PM. Jake, Jenn,
Aarne, and myself didn't arrive until
nearly six due to prior engagements. The
four of us, practically an executive meeting on eight feet, wandered over to the
SUB to go play Radical Bikers. At about
4:30 we wandered into the Arcade and
the patron saint of arcade goodness,
Mike, managed to score us a few credits
on Radical Bikers. I'd heard all about this
game from Jenn, but I'd never played it
until Wednesday. The premise is simple:
You are a pizza delivery girl in Rome,
and you are racing your opponent at the
next console through the busy streets to
the target area.
It's amazing how long you can play on
nine bucks worth of credits on each
machine. The four of us played non-stop
for the better part of an hour, and Miss
Jenn was the absolute champion. Close
behind was Jake, followed by Aarne,
then myself. The ranking is not important however, as a good time was had by
all. After our time in the Arcade, we went
back to SUS, and doubled the exec meeting attendance.
Shortly after we arrived, the meeting
was adjourned, and Jake and I headed to
the AMS council meeting. Before leaving
though, we stocked up on beer to sustain
us through what was sure to be a long
meeting. All I remember from the 4 hour
meeting was me presenting a Darth
Vader Pez Dispenser of Appreciation to
Jake, a six-pack of Pepsi, and a cantaloupe.
Thursday was yet another meeting, this
time Science Council where the most
interesting thing we discussed was Jake's
unit. Later that night, John Hallett and
Jeremy Thorp, two ex-editors not known
for their sobriety, had an all you can
drink kegger at their place. I don't recall
what happened there so I will ad lib
what probably happened. Jer, John, and
Tim Ambler retold the joke about one of
their friend's strategy for seducing
women: "First I'll get her drunk, then I'll
screw her!" John and Mandy left the
party early to go upstairs; Frenchy went
on a walkabout and returned with a vital
piece of the Shuttle Discovery; and their
linoleum     floor     claimed     fourteen
stockinged victims.
Friday, always the best day of the week,
this one was no exception. Friday was
the night of the SUS all-you-can-drink-
for-five-bucks event. The male-female
ratio was just about 1:1; the beer was
cold and plentiful; Jeff was enticed to
leave after two volleys of ice were stuffed
down his shirt; and best of all Miss Jenn
wore her chain mail bra. Sweet.
Yes, it was four straight days of drunkenness. I'm not trying to romanticize
drinking in any way, but suffice it to say
that if you don't like to drink alcohol,
you are a loser and nobody wants to be
your friend.
This will be the issue before Halloween,
but since it's still a week or so away, we
didn't really get into the spirit yet. I'm
not sure exactly when you'll receive the
next issue, it will be either two or three
weeks, probably three. The reason I
don't know yet is because that would
require forethought. Right now I'm still
working on three thought. Ha! I slay me.
Ack, the brain's starting to give up, so
I'll say goodbye. I hope you appreciate
this issue, especially the Swissair 11 gag.
Last time Jake and I corroborated our
collective lack of tact we produced the
Princess Die Doll. Admittedly that one
was primarily the figment of my twisted
imagination. Responsibility for the
Swissair ad however, rests almost solely
upon the shoulders of Jake. So, send
your comments and death threats to
him. jakeg@interchange.ubc.ca
Volume 12 Issue 4 —,
21 OKTOBER 1998 |
© 1998 The Science Undergraduate )
Society of UBC. All rights reserved.
The 432 is the official newspaper of the
Science Undergraduate Society, published
fortnightly despite the. best efforts of
Mgralhon oo, 4>d UIM .Yahtzee. A palin-
dpme is a word or phrase that is spelled
rhe^sesmg jipward and backwards, like
"radar*^1r'abl€ Was F ere I saw elba".
All opinions expressed herein are strictly
those of the individual writers and not
those of The 432 or the Science Undergrad
Writers and cartoonists from all faculties
are encouraged to submit material to The
The 432 is copyrighted by The Science
Undergraduate Society of UBC and may
not be reproduced in whole or in part
without express written consent.
&m Temple
Assistant Bftor
Jai§ Ipasr
JSndf Martin
lewiSee Hughes
Browne Banter
Jem 8s»tij
•late McKHay
0, Myles McHogh
Jay Bareia
Jake isw
Sara Stamm
IIbk Varju
Aarne Hamalainen 10.21.98
page three
For Sale Cheap: 1 Green "Couch"
Friday evening at about midnight,
and a few of us are in the S.U.S
office cleaning up after the $5-All-
You-Can-Drink (which you can read
about in vivid, lifelike technicolour in
the exec reports section of this paper.)
I'm thinking to myself "This is the dirtiest, filthiest office I've ever seen and it
couldn't possibly get any worse." Then
someone, and I'm not going to mention
any names here but his initials are John
Hallett, attempts to un-tap the last keg
and sends foam all over the room in an
amazing recreation of the tragic Cool
Whip factory explosion of '46. Faced
with the daunting possibility of scraping
out beer foam from every orifice of the
room, including John Hallett's, I
thought that maybe we should just stage
a coup and annex some other club's
office instead.
annex. It should be reasonably attractive, but when your previous location
was a concrete-lined litter box in the
Chem basement with all the charm of
Hitler's Bunker, pretty much anything is
a step up. So the main factor in choosing a new office is, therefore, which club
is caught up in the tides of revolution,
with rebel insurrectionists destroying
the fabric of leadership and making it
easy for a new despot to sweep in and
take control? The answer is none of
them, but apparently the Cheeze has a
squirrel infestation which is destroying
the fabric of their curtains. Really.
Next, every good coup needs financing
and weapons. Jay Garcia's secret drug-
running operations have been raking in
plenty of money for the last few years
(he's not actually chubby you know, it's
just that he's always walking around
padded by 40kg of Colombian cocaine),
and Jake Grey has a large arsenal of surplus US Army nuclear warheads cleverly
hidden under the mess in the back of his
First, we have to find a suitable office to     We als0 need a puppet too, because
every uprising has to have a charismatic
yet expendable figurehead who takes
their orders from a higher power behind
the scenes. I think that if we put a
Muppet in charge of the coup, nobody
would really suspect anything. Bert
looks good in uniform, I hear...
Once we've assembled the required
equipment and mobilized our crack
team of small and wiry frosh, we stage
the first assault. The night before, secret
operatives will be sent in to drain the
Cheeze of beer and to alert the squirrels
of our intentions. All rooms leading off
the main entry area will be sealed. Small
explosive devices will be planted on all
perimeters, as well as in a random array
on the lawn surrounding the building.
Sophisticated voice-recognition computer systems will be installed, allowing
only SUS operatives to control vital functions such as climate control and air supply. 17 waves of assault battalions will
converge on the Cheeze from all directions and storm it in a battle scene that'll
make the first half hour of Saving Private
Ryan look like an episode of Teletubbies.
Alternatively, we could just blow it up
one night and build something new in
its place. Frankly I don't understand
why insurrectionists these days bother to
attempt some sort of battle for control of
The Lower Parliamentary Outhouse of
Lower and Middle Mongolovia. Large-
scale nuclear annihilation tends to make
your job a little better - it eli minates all
of your enemies, plus some of your own
forces so you don't have to share the
wealth as much, and you can rebuild in
any style you like. Why settle for mid-
605 brutalist architecture when your
People's Democratic Republic of Assisted
Natural Selection Headquarters could be
done in a lovely Gothic style...
Once we had a new clubhouse, we'd
probably just make it really messy all
over again. It's amazing how fast shredded newspaper accumulates in our
office. It's like the room naturally tends
toward a state of resembling a hamster
cage. As a matter of fact, last week I saw
Andy Martin curled up in a paper towel
tube and Jay Garcia was asleep in the
food bowl again.
COUNCIL 1998-1999 ^M^Mk
Become one of our council representatives.
Open positions: Chemistry rep. Earth & Ocean
Sciences rep., Geography rep., Psych rep. or
General Science rep.
Talk to Mandy in SUS (Chem Bl 60) for more info. page four
And the Angry Scot Award Goes to...
It is time once again for the Squama
Awards, an annual event. For our first
time viewers, a Squama is something
that resembles a scale. And after all, for
me to rate anything, I have to have some
kind of scale to work with. (Ok, that is a
big jump on word play) The purpose? To
award and recognize the world's stupidest occurrences in media, politics and
The Squama Award for "Best
Pornographical Event Not on Pay Per
View" goes to the Bill Clinton "Cigar-
Gate". A special mention goes to
Kenneth Starr for publishing free porn
on the internet. And the last mention of
this award (and, in fact, the entire
moronic issue) goes to the American
media morons. No, I mean media
moguls. Really, I meant moguls! They
have single-handedly turned this rather
weird event into a five ring circus. Come
to think of it, maybe we should have a
Bill and Monica party. Gals, wear blue.
Guys, bring the cigars.
The Squama Award for the "Best
Advertisement for a Jacked-up Rip-off"
goes to the Volkswagen automobile
company for their new beetle. On
Granville street, there is a billboard that
has a picture of the new beetle and the
phrase: "Voted roundest car in it's class".
What class? Is there another car in the
class of overpriced, space-aged-cartoon-
shaped, yuppie wanna-be, German car?
Will the overall roundness of the car
influence anything? Would you pay
$25,000 ($75,000 Canadian) for a car
from the druggie-nostalgia era?
Anyone who has email has at one time
in their lives received those joke emails.
True, they are entertaining, but one
email I got recently made me think. The
email was a collection of things that
people have found out. The number one
thing was, "No matter how hard you try,
you can't baptize a cat". Now, beyond
the peculiar nature of the matter (What
good would cat-baptism do anyone? I'm
sure a few of those religions that object
to infant baptism might be a bit peeved
at pet baptism), what really disturbs me
is that to find this out, someone has
probably ATTEMPTED this! Colour me
freaked. That poor cat. Even more, that
poor priest. That email and that person
gets the "Best Use of a Baptismal Font"
I really should mention the APEC pepper spray incident. No, maybe I shouldn't.
There is a blanket award this year, "Best
Use of Puppetry to Simulate Musical
Groups". Back Street Boys, Spice Girls,
All Saints, Hanson, and the Moffets are
Pick 15 living people who are going to die before April
14th. Drop off your completed nomination forms any
time before November 1st at SUS. It's that easy.
Name: Phone Number:_
Tie breaker:
What number am I thinking of (0-9)?
co-recipients. Let's all pause for a second
to thank the puppeteers who have made
every pre-teenie girl in the Western
Hemisphere dress like they caught in a
pile of Teen Beat magazines. And for the
rest of us...
Larry and Willie's toughest contest ever.
Really. Lots tougher than last year's contest. Really! This year, we make you eat
bugs. And get married. And take the bus
across Canada to Halifax. And get naked
pictures of people. And rappel down a
mountain. What's tough about that? I'd
eat bugs for ten thousand dollars. For
the FOX, the "Best Annual Tough Radio
Contest. Really". PS: Karen Needham, a
professor in our biology department,
was the one who brought the bugs? Ah,
I've noticed that this will be the issue
that comes out before Hallowe'en.
Happy Hallowe'en. In this category, we
have the "Best Kick-Ass Holiday Turned
into Kiddie Crap by the Candy Makers."
I'm not happy with this deterioration.
The pagan ceremonies that I am most
fond of are being eroded by these Goddamn family values and kiddies safety. I
miss being able to dance naked around
the old oak tree under a full moon without a care. Now, I'm told I have to wear
reflective tape so that I won't be hit by
passing cars. It just detracts from the fear
I can inspire.
"Best Newspaper Masquerading as a Fire
Hazard" goes out to the Vancouver
Province, for actually thinking that anyone gives a damn about the stuff in
those pages. If you are in the market for
mindless crap, and you can't find an
Underground, pick up a Province!
I'm sitting at a beer garden now where
the guest of honour is stuck in traffic.
Yes, there is no beer here. There is no
beer in this room. We are all spiralling to
our doom. We want to drink ourselves
into a tomb. For now, I guess we sit in
UBC gets the "Best Money Sucking
Institution Playing Dress Up." Thanks to
Plant Ops for keeping my lawns free of
leafy sludge. I'd give it about another
two weeks, before we have piles of dead
frosh, fallen from the steps.
As you can tell, my creativity is being
sucked out of my brain. One more
award, then I will be done.
The final award of the day goes to the
Ubyssey. Congratulations to them for
having secured the "Best Free Porn disguised as an Editorial". And a special
thanks to the UBC men's volleyball team
for brightening my day with their
unique brand of sunshine.
If anybody's interested, call 822-4403 for
a free, full-colour catalog of Bree Brand
Official Sunshine™, -ed
Dead Pool Update
People are dying all over the place,
so get your lists in soon. We have a
current leader. Leon Jang has two
points with the shrewdly picked Gene
Autry and Roddy MacDowell. Jenn
Gardy is in a close second with Roddy
MacDowell on her list as well.
If you're still looking for a few people to
complete your list here are a couple good
1. Harry Morgan- Colonel Potter from
Mash. I mean come on this guy was
ancient when the show was airing, and
his wife just bought a gun.
2. Johnny Cash- The man in Black is on
his way to be being the man in pine. He's
starting to feel the effects of smoking
lucky strikes and having Jack Daniels on
your Corn Flakes everyday.
Prizes Prizes Prizes Prizes Prizes Prizes.
Get your list in quick because the deadline is November 1st.
page five
Pungent to the Sense
Jfloz ———~^_
<,.^je!ems mis refugee  ^J>	
What is it that pisses you off
more than anything else about
UBC? Is it locking yourself
out of your room wearing only a towel?
No probably not. Perhaps it's having to
choke down that crap in Vanier that
they call food. No that's not it either. Oh
I know, it's that insufferable prick who
can't wait to throw his hand up to
answer some stupid question in his endless attempt to suck up to the prof.
That's right keeners are the most annoying thing you have to face here at UBC.
For those of you who have not had the
pleasure of knowing a bonifide super
keener allow me to describe one to you:
It's that person who's smiling after every
test, eager to talk about how they
derived such and such an equation to
such and such a question that you left
blank on that exam that just violated
you. That same person who's arm shoots
straight up, like they were holding their
arm up victoriously after taking a constipated shit, whenever the prof poses a
question. Anyone that answers a true or
false question by reciting the entire
encyclopedia Britannica in order to
sound smart, is a keener. It's that ugly
geeky guy reading over my shoulder as I
write this. Yea I mean you dipshit, now
piss off! That actually worked. Where
the hell was I? Oh yea, how to spot a
keener. Sometimes people are fooled
into thinking that suck-up boy over
there isn't a keener just because he hasn't said anything smart. Don't make this
mistake. Keeners do not have to be
smart just loud, arrogant, and annoying.
There is a difference between someone
who always  (reluctantly) answers the
questions and a keener. A keener is on a
quest for attention, and usually only half
a clue what he's talking about and doesn't care. While someone who, after five
minutes of silence, puts up their hand
to answer the question for the anxious
prof who's wondering if he wasted 50
bucks on "teaching for dummies" (you
know it's out there). This person is not
answering to sound smart. They're
answering because they fell sorry for the
prof. This type of person is generally a
first year or anyone else who is not yet
embittered by the constant struggle to
get through the next midterm/formal
lab/final or the next freaking 5 minutes
of this class. These people are all right,
but they should take measures to avoid
becoming keeners. This means, above
all else, DON'T HELP THE PROF! Ever.
Let him sweat, and whenever you feel
sorry for him...don't. Try to remember
that they're getting paid to stand their
and give you homework and tests;
whereas, you have to PAY to sit in that
cramped wooden chair in that hot stuffy
room while the asbestos turns your brain
into one giant tumor. So whenever you
see that the prof is having problems, sit
back and enjoy watching him suffer. Am
I bitter or what?
So now you know how to spot a keener,
but how do you shut them up? My suggestion is to strap a rocket to their ass
and send them to the moon or whatever
other big astronomical rock you can hit.
However since most people can't get
their hands on such equipment, you
could just throw things at the keener
whenever they start to speak. I suggest
you start small: erasers, fruit, and work
your way up to anvils, safes, and whatever else ACME makes. Until the keener
shuts up, or you get arrested. MOZ
Shattered Dreams
Sara Stamm
In the beginning, there was summer.
And then some great delirious fool
said, "Let there be grief." Thus came
the beginnings of post-secondary education. At first, it wasn't so bad. Everyone
you saw had a bright light in their eye, a
spring in their step, and smile on their
lips. And all the first year students!
Well, they were all over the place just
brimming with enthusiasm - well,
maybe that's taking it a little too far, but
I know that I was looking forward to
coming here, albeit with more than a little trepidation. It was to be a change of
life, a break from the same old, same old.
I was sure that classes would be interesting, people would be wonderfully stimulating, and that I would find kindred
souls in the same state of mind as
myself. Everybody I encountered was
still running on the dredges of sun
induced hyperactive go-get-'em attitudes, and hadn't quite accepted the fact
that this marvelous stage of their life
had ended to be replaced by the long,
wet, long, cold, infinitely long months
of winter. All around campus you could
hear the happy chatter of people reliving their vacation and trying to tell the
best "I was more drunker" story: "Oh
yeah? Well I got so drunk a couple of
weeks ago that I can't even tell you what
I did It was awesome!"
Another thing that I noticed at the
beginning of the term is that people
cared about their appearance, trying to
look sophisticated and cool. The most
conspicuous modes of vanity were those
hair styles that can make first-thing-in-
the-morning hair look like something to
be worn by a glamour queen. Those
knots and messes and sculptures that
Fed Up
Merrilee Hughes
sapcastie bliii
they had spent an hour to create then
hair sprayed the shit out of remind me
of the way my hair would look after an
hour long workout. I guess you'd call it
the styled mess.
Enter the midterms. A phrase like that
should be followed by a cheap thriller
sound track. Da dum Da dum! That
dreaded subject that everybody whispers
about behind closed doors, or pretends
they don't know the meaning of. I think
it must be the bane of every first year's
existence as a student. We're just starting to fit in, feel like we belong, we're
starting to relax and realize that things
can't be as bad as we feared. Then the
shit hits the fan. It's amazing what a
change a few little tests can make. All of
a sudden I see plain old pony tails, jogging pants, and an age old, familiar look
replacing the carefully cultivated styles
of last month. I see the same expression
on every student that I've been seeing in
the mirror every time I dare to look in
that direction. I see red-rimmed, bleary,
glazed over stares that never waver in
their unshakeable contemplation of the
air over your head. I see huge ass bags
and dark circles under the eyes that
could eclipse the moon and make tired
seem like a pleasant dream. I see the
slack, drooping jaw that doesn't quite
have a line of saliva running from a corner of the lax lips. The shoulders are
hunched, the back slouched, the feet
drag. And to top it all off, the sky is
always overcast and pissing down rain.
School is definitely turning out to be
more than I ever dared to hope for. But
that's ok, really, it builds character. It's
good for you. I can tell already that final
exams are going to be the happiest time
of my life. No, you do not sense a little
sarcasm happening there.
I like to think that I'm a fairly laid back
kind of person although the very act
of writing this may be providing evidence to the contrary. In defense of the
validity of this self-image I must state
that the following comments are purely
observational and should not be perceived as any form of ranting.
So what's all this preamble leading up
to? My point is simply that life would be
much more mellow if people weren't so
easily peeved by relatively unimportant
happenings. No, I'm not talking about
people who have causes like freeing
Tibet or those who are horrified by
atrocities they read about in the morning paper (I generally avoid dealing with
such negative feelings by confining my
newspaper reading to papers like The
432). So from this perspective of blissful
ignorance I find it difficult to comprehend how individuals can become so
agitated by seemingly innocuous events.
For example, I am often subjected to a
tirade of complaints about some hapless
person who unintentionally pissed off
one of my friends in one of their classes
because they fidgeted in their chairs too
frequently. Or perhaps, they asked too
many questions, had a nasal voice, or
were for some reason incapable of taking
their own notes and asked to borrow
notes for a class they had obviously
Now, I can't begin to offer an explanation for the strange behaviour exhibited
by fellow students, but that's not my
point. What it really comes down to is
attitude. Yes folks, attitude is everything.
It's like the old adage goes - mind over
matter. You can choose to be annoyed or
you can decide it's beneath you and let
it slide off of you like water off of a
duck's back. Just think how relaxed
you'll be without all of life's petty
annoyances aggravating you. Of course,
those of you who derive great enjoyment from rehashing stories of all the
obnoxious people you ran into today
will likely want to disregard everything I
have just said. Those of you who are
peeved by this article can just piss off. I
mean, you should just decide not to let
my words irritate you.
Somewhere on campus is a small
flag with the 432 logo on it.
Find it
Contest not open to SUS hacks, 432 writers/illustrators, your mom, her lesbian lover, Edrick Yu,
or his lesbian lover.
Note: You must bring ii io ihe editor. Other people in SUS wiii try to trick you into giving it to
them. You do not win unless Craig Temple is handed the flag.
Note: The following was a submission I received from John Hallett. Due to... space
constraints, I was not able to place it into the last issue. Now, in order to give John his
chance to say sorry, I have printed it. It has been edited for content so as to prevent my
arrest and John's execution, -ed
After an issue's absence, spent entirely in a mental institution in southern
Columbia, we at The 432 feel that John Hallett has earned the right to return to
our pages, under one condition: He must write an apology for his article entitled
"The New Woman." This apology follows.
Um, hi. I'd just like to start off by saying that I'm sorry for offending anyone With
my article. In fact, I can safely say that the opinions expressed were not mine, but
those of the Devil.
Through extensive therapy (shock and otherwise) and religious counseling I have
cleared my mind of these images of evil and devoted my mind entirely to God.
Only by committing myself to the Supreme Being have I unvealed the fact that
true sexual pleaure lies not in killing animals, but in the MHHM of little ^B-
Come to think of it, forced ^BB is pretty much the Catholic Church's ticket
to heaven, so to speak. It's not like youBHB •■■■have a better solution.
Oh shit. I just did it again, didn't I? Bs^BOkay, I'd like to apologize for this apology. Especially to any Christians I might have offended... or little ^^who like
d.i>9... or anyone in theHBH Love Association of BC.
Ah tm%%\, it's not like you pacisifist Christian bastards will do anything to me
anyway. Why don't you goUByourselfs, you self-serving conservative bastards.
Hey, did I just say that? -JH page six
MS MB 312: Destroying the Evidence
Due to overwhelming demand,
and the sudden realization
that about half the university
population is male, the University of
British Columbia has opened a new
faculty to facilitate the ever diversifying fields of study undertaken at one
of the world's leading institutions of
higher learning. Starting in Winter
Session, 1999, we are pleased as
punch to be the first university or college in the world to offer you courses
in Men's Studies and Male Bonding.
Here to let you know more is our official MSMB representative, Andy
<clap, woohoo!, clap>
Hello all! This new faculty will be
fully staffed with 10 professors and 25
teaching assistants, all led by our new
Dean: Dr. Don Cherry. New
Scholarships such as the John Wayne
Memorial award and the Dennis Leary
Asshole bursary will be initiated and
will only be available to men. As well,
a new rickety wooden hut will be put
together outside of Brock Hall, right
in front of the Women's Studies hut
so that we may moon...I mean INTERACT WITH, our sister faculty.
New Courses starting next year (with
more to follow in following terms)
MSMB 100 (6): Introduction to
An interdisciplinary exploration of
the situation of men in various societies, both past and present. Selected
readings and theoretical analysis are
used to broaden the understanding of
the determinates of men's experience
MSMB 200 (3): Sports A quality held
above all is great knowledge of sports,
past and present. Focus is on statistics
and what makes a great athlete in any
sport. Final exam will consist of an
essay entitled 'Who was the best?' [3-
MSMB 201 (3): Cars
A man's pride and joy is his car. This
course teaches you what are the best
cars for cruisin', speeding, and barreling down mountain slopes. Teaches
you how to take care of your baby and
what to do (and who to blame) if
something ever goes wrong with her
MSMB 230 (6): Beer
Learn the ins and outs of what makes
the world go 'round: mouth-watering
beer. Learn how beer is made, what
makes a good beer and various tricks
on how to order and drink it. Labs
consists of tastings. Lab Marks are
based on chugging tests at the end of
each term. [2-4-0;2-4-0]
MSMB 203  (6):  Beer for Honours
Same as MSMB 230, except an
enriched course load with a micro-
brewing tutorial [3-4-2;3-4-2]
MSMB 225 (3): Men in Society
[Artsy-Fartsy explanation...blah blah
blah...] [3-0]
MSMB 300 (6): Introduction to
Gender Relations
An interdisciplinary look at gender,
SEX!(ual identity), and (gender) relations, emphasizing historical and
cross- cultural (wink-wink, nudge-
nudge!) aspects and the social construction of masculinity and feminin-
Only one of MSMB 300 or WMST 300
may be taken (though ours is the only
real one) [2-0;2-l]
MSMB 303 (3): Ecology of Men
Introduction to the study of male
populations and their relations to
their physical and biological environments. Topics include the effects of
beer on the environment, optimal-
chick theory, and succession.
MSMB 330 (3): Hard Liquor
The logical follow-up course to
MSMB 230. Learn how hard liquor is
made and how to ingest it like a man.
Learn to take it straight, and what
mixes are not frowned on as downright girly. Marks will be based on a
mid-term drink-off and a final test of
student's own moonshine. [2-4-0]
MSMB 333 (6): Men on Film
From John Wayne to John Shaft, this
course covers great men of the genre
and their effect on both film and society in general. Study, review and critical analysis of the actors and the film
will be the basis for marking schemes.
Great male films such as 'Rambo',
'Animal House' and 'Faster Pussycat!
Kill! Kill!' will also be reviewed. [2-3-
MSMB 353 (3): Male Physiology and
Yes, we know that you'd rather not
hear about prostate problems, just as
we'd rather not hear about your
'cycles'. But if women get a whole
course to sick us out, then we have to
get one too. [3-2-0]
MSMB 448 (3/6): Directed Studies
Take what you have learned in the
class and apply it to a project in the
outside world. Create and carry out an
original study dealing with circumstances and issues vital to men and
their place in the world.
MSMB 500 (6): Advanced Maleness
Seminar Series whose subjects
include: taking down a charging animal and killing it with your bare
hands, maintaining a suave air for a
straight week in a casino, and taking
down a whole army of bad guys using
only your wits, fists, and Swiss army
knife. [6-0-0]
Current Theses Defended next year:
Master's Theses:
Hocky, M.: A Regressional Analysis
Between Number of Beers Consumed
and Perceived Penis Size
Martin A.: Preserving Manliness in
the Era of Tofu
The faculty of Science Presents
A lecture Series
for All Science
It's new and it's for you!
A Science First! Lecture by
"From Queries to Data to Information:
Statistical Science
in Health-Related Research"
Dr. John Petkau
Statistics Department
Thursday, 29 October 1998
Wesbrook Building, Room 100, UBC
12:30-1:30 p.m.
QUESTIONS?   CALL 822-9876 10.21.98
page seven
The Drawers el SIS™
Jenn Gardy
pparently Hell has frozen
over because we actually made money at our last
..event.   Yes, I'll repeat it again, a S.U.S. event
made money.    The $5 All-You-Can-Drink turned a
profit despite a complete and total lack of written
advertising...   Plus, S.U.S. hacks appeared to be
scoring left, right, and centre with members of
the opposite sex. The probability of two independent events happening is equal to the
probability of one times the probability of the
other.   The probability of us making money
and getting some action in the same night is
a number so infinitesimally small that mathematics currently has no notation to describe
it. But it happened.
This event's Golden Pacemaker Award goes to
Peter Russell who was frighteningly late with
the 4 kegs we had ordered.   We have a new
award as well, the Golden Mop, which goes to
Tim Ambler for his janitorial prowess.
The next event is the November 27th bzzr garden
- keep your eyes on this column....
Miss Jenn
The Drawers %
of SUS.... %
It's    MandyQ
again.    Science
Elections are just
finishing up as me
^rwrnTe^th,: Mandy Seymour
issue. If you're interested there are still position open
for EOS, Geography, Chemistry and Psychology
reps. Also, First Year Committee is starting up,
and the first meeting is Oct.21 @ 4:32pm (that's
a Wednesday). For details talk to me in SUS.
Also, I'm starting up our Academic Committee,
which gives out Teaching Excellence Awards,
so if you have a great prof, let me know....so I
might make you fill out a form.
Our new Dean, Dr. Maria Klawe, is coming in
soon so say hi. Also, surveys are circulating
about "Consultation on UBC's tuition policy"
so you might want to fill it out and let your
voice be heard. CIAO.
Aarne Hamalainen
t's just
after 10am
on Sunday
morning. I
should be in
right now but
enough  lim
''m not a medic. I'm a lieutenant,
but when Joey's guts were squiggling
.around in his lap I had only one choice. Get them
back in there or lose the best damn radio operator I
_   _      -j ever had. I shoved his entrails back in his body cavity, which is
JaKe BraV a lot harder than I thought because when you try to push it in
on one side it slips out on the other. I got Bobby to hold the
slippery little buggers in there while I sterilized a needle and the lace from my boot
in a mickey of scotch I always kept with me. Half way across Joeys midriflwe came
under enemy fire again. Luckily the shoulder fired missile hadn't been damaged
when the missile operator had been transformed into Jerry the Legless Wonder by a
landmine. I seized the missile and quickly turned the four bastards who had been
shooting at us into a graphic mural of body parts depicting man's struggle to find his
identity in an increasingly complex society. Joey's fine.
Sj? 11  '*'' sitting here in SUS trying to write some sort of report. The only
thing that comes to mind is the Futsal game I just played at 8:30 in
the $!@&in' morning. Although I'm happy that we won the game (very
surprising considering how our team did last year in a lower division) I'm still bitter
that the game was scheduled so early on the weekend. The only major event that is
coming up is the Day of The Longboat, which will happen this weekend (Oct 24-25).
So even if you're not on a team you should still come out and cheer on your friends.
Other events scheduled are: 3 on 3 Volleyball tournament Sat. Oct 31st, BC Place
Insomniac Indoor Softball Nov. 17-18th, Fall Indoor Tennis Championships Nov 7-
10th, Gladiator Midnight Team Challenge Nov. 5th and the Enchanted Forest
Mountain Bike time trials Oct. 22nd. All registration forms for these events can be
found in the Student Rec Centre or on the internet at <http://intramurals.com>.
REBATES!! If you want a sports rebate: a) get a copy of the receipt and the registration form. b)come by SUS and fill out an application form and leave it in my box.
Make sure to get them in asap, the Rebate Deadline is on the last day of class Term
In SUS Hockey Pool news, I received over 90 entries this year(a few more than last
year). It will take me a few days to enter all the info, so I should have the first update
in the next 2 weeks. Registration for Term 2 teams will start midway through
November, so it might be a good idea to start getting some people together for that.
> SI'S*. JWXr Mfttti •«■»   •
:#.w», BUSINESS „„4*~
S.A.C.*'"*™""'*'"*-"-""*!   HEAfT OI8TH    A.M.S. SUB
COLLEGE REP page eight
Piled Higher and Deeper in Bs.
I really despise this season. I loathe the
cold, the damp, and the wet. I hate
the fact that the cold, the damp and
the wet tend to drive people together
and by the gods, I despise the permanently-bonded, kissy-face arms-around-
each-other couples that this weather
tends to bring out, much like rotting
kudzu, toadstool fungus and slime
It's not that the state of being painfully
single drives me to some level of bitterness about their happy shiny warmth-
generating rain-deflecting coupledom.
Well, okay, maybe I am bitter about
being painfully single. But far be it for
me to turn misanthropic over such a
trivial affair. Rather, I'll turn my prodigious wit and venomous wrath on a subject near and dear to all our hearts,
namely, the disappointing and soul-
destroying experience that is our collective scholastic careers.
Ahh, first year. The year I had my carefully-maintained illusions and aspirations about the nature of university life
irrecoverably shattered. I remember, in
the far and misty days of myth and legend, when I was a bright-eyed and eager
young student, fresh out of high school
and looking forward to interesting, intellectually-stimulating classes taught by
caring, dedicated professionals. A careful
analysis of the previous sentence reveals
several untruths. First off, to be perfectly honest, I was never bright-eyed and
eager young student. The truth is, I
sprang forth fully formed from the bowels of the Vancouver high school system,
bleary, paranoid and caffeinated, feeling
alienated and more than a little disappointed with the entire shebang that is
the first year of University. A large contributing factor lies in the second
untruth inherent in the first sentence of
this paragraph.   There are few, if any,
interesting and intellectually-stimulating classes actually held on this campus.
To find those, I'd advocate a quick walk
down the multitude of stairs leading
towards Wreck Beach. If you manage to
ignore the scary naked fat hairy guys and
can keep yer grabby hands to yourself,
then an afternoon spent on those windy
shores, exposed to the sky and shivering
fiercely can be more informative and less
expensive than the same time spent in a
dank, airless, stuffy classroom listening
to some preserved geezer pontificate at
length on his area of obsession. The
minor frostbite and the mild case of
exposure you get for hanging out on
nude beach in the late fall are a small
price to pay for this kind of wisdom.
Then there are the professors and
instructors who are ostensibly our guides
to the rarefied state that is higher education. Instructors, by and large, are hardworking, decent, kind, caring individuals who are saddled with thousands of
students, offered little aid and paid significantly less than professors. Then
there are the professors, who, as I've said
before, are somewhat prone to droning
on endlessly about their areas of interest,
which wouldn't be so bad if they would
just lower their expectations of our ability to comprehend their bizarre rambling.
My second year, besides being an academic wasteland closely resembling first
year, reinforced a lesson that had been
learned late in high school. This can be
summed up in three words: girls are
trouble. Well, actually, to be perfectly
accurate, falling in love tends to be troublesome for your academic career. On
the one hand, there's the case of unrequited love, which is rather like carrying
around a professional-weight bowling
ball in your pericardium. The agonizing
distraction has this unsettling ability to
pull your attention away from important
affairs, such as studying, midterms and
lab write-ups, but in a messy way, much
in the same way that an unexpected
colostomy bag breakage would. Then
again, there's the case of being on the
receiving end of the big 'ol "let's be
friends" club. The only semi-positive
experience that can be dragged out of
this is that, after being being hit upside
the head by said club enough times, you
end up coming to believe its pernicious
message. On the down side, when said
former object of your attraction takes up
with someone else, the feeling is more
akin towards someone taking that club
and violently ramming it up a vulnerable orifice. By that time, however,
you've been so conditioned by repeated
beatings that you resemble a third-grader who's been gut-punched and pushed
down into the mud by bigger, meaner,
tougher third-graders so often that
you're beginning to enjoy the feeling,
and come to expect it on a regular basis.
Third year was the year that I had all the
defiance beaten out of me. Due to indiscretions from my second year which had
resulted in serious academic repercussions, third year became the year I
learned to live - and die - by the clock.
Time management was the watchword,
and frivolity the enemy of success.
Good-bye Friday night beer gardens and
six-keg house parties. Good bye Tuesday
night movies and Saturday night assignations. In short, good bye social life. It
took a riotous, hot-tub and alcohol-
fuelled Council party at the AMS
Whistler Lodge to replace all the colour
that had been drained out of me by the
sheer monotony of my life to date.
Now, I'm in my fourth and hopefully
final year of this long, strange trip.
What, if anything, have I learned in four
years? The first is that avoiding massive
screw-ups is impossible; certain Eastern
mystical school thoughts even postulate
that the massive screw-up is inevitable
and should be embraced as a positive
learning experience when it shows up.
Personally, I say, screw the positive learning experience and concentrate heavily
on damage-control techniques.    Learn
and apply the magic words "project
extension", "doctor's note" and "abject
apology to the professor", and any problems which occur can be kept at a minimum level of destructive influence.
Secondly, one should always be wary
when there are five or more engineers in
a room together with you. In my day, a
tanking team was the four carriers and
one charge-reader, and one got tanked in
the 'geer pond, which, while over-chlorinated and bitterly cold, is infinitely
preferable to the pond in front of Main
Library, which is tinted a shade of
algae/bacterial green and has weird
frothy foam deocrating its surface.
Thirdly, smile more often, be more
genial and take this entire relationship
thingy lightly. There are any number of
nice, attractive people of the appropriate
gender on campus who would make
excellent long and short-term partners
(or, in some cases, extremely short term
partners). Two things, though. Never
date a woman with a brother named
Guido, and second, never use a hide-abed for an amorous encounter, as they
have an unsettlling tendency to fold up
at awkward moments.
The last crumb of hard-earned wisdom
that I can proffer is that nobody likes a
whiner. So instead of whinging and crying and wringing your hands (all activities which engender no sympathy but
instead generate an awful amount of
contemp), get yourself up, pull yourself
together and go and do something fun
and psychotic, like charging naked onto
the campus wearing nothing your boots
and a large sign with the words
"Warning: Coprorrhagic". Altenately,
you can go and grab yourself a stiff drink
(or three) and scream incoherently at the
top of your lungs from the roof of
Buchanan Tower.
So now, if you'll excuse me, there's a full
bottle of Jack Daniel's waiting for me,
and a helluvaview for me to enjoy while
I'm yelling my throat sore.
1998 Sci
Shailesh Sharan: 24
Reka Sztopa: 24
Sabrina Gambhir: 12
Janel CaseyPW
Julia Haber: 8
Viren Thaker: 8
Destroyed:     1 (you jerk)
Jay Garcia: 24
Kaveh Namdaran: 6
Jagmeet Dost:      34
Kathy Lo 26
Breeone Baxter
Lisa Blackshaw
Harpreet GUI *
Natalie York
Mikey Boetzkes
Zabrina Brumme
Scott MacLach
Winco Wu
Jason Elliot


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