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The 432 Mar 25, 2003

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25 March 2003
"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and
merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."
-Douglas Adams
US Troops Having Trouble
Finding Enemy
Killing Selves, Allies Instead
Iraq (Al Jazzerra)
Reports from the front indicate that
U.S. and British troops are not
encountering much Iraqi resistance
outside of a couple of locales. They have
however encountered stiff resistance from
themselves and each other.
Despite having enforced a no-fly zone for
more than a decade, and bombing anything that looked remotely like an aircraft,
an American soldier apparently gave the
order to shoot down a British Tornado
fighter mistaking it for an Iraqi aircraft.
"That Tornado plane sure looked threatening. The flag was red, white, and blue,
but it didn't have any stars, so I assumed
that it was a bad imitation of an American
flag meant to trick us. How was I supposed
to know that the British flag looked like
The attack hasn't been going as easily as
some expected.
"Well, you know," said General
Kirkpatrick, "the desert has been rising up
and slapping our helicopters right out of
the sky. It is difficult to make progress
when you have to put up with that sort of
An official spokesperson for the British
forces agreed with this assessment. "When
you have British helicopters carrying out
suicide attacks over the Persian Gulf on
our helicopters, it has double the impact.
We lose two helicopters and crews in one
"With all of the helicopter crashes, you'd
think that the Americans were flying Sea
Kings," observed Canadian Minister of
Defense, John McCallum. "Of course, people don't usually die in Sea King crashes."
In another incident, a guided missile
apparently homed in on soldier's laser
pointer causing the loss of a tank, not to
mention a life.
"There was a battle tank, and a laser, and
it was very threatening, so I fired a missile.
They didn't tell me in the briefing that Iraqi
tanks are rusty and ours aren't," stated an
unidentified pilot.
Another soldier stated, "It is a much more
difficult mission than I expected. We are
constantly under fire. Laser guided bombs,
patriot missiles, and machine gun bullets
flying at us all the time. Oh yeah, and occasionally there are Iraqi soldiers around.
Those are really tough situations."
In related news, war coverage ratings are
going down. Apparently, audiences have
explored all of the variations on Attack on
Iraq, War with Iraq, War on Iraq, and Iraq
Attack and are getting bored.
Further, "I can hear a lot of explosions
over in the direction of the War Ministry,"
just isn't resonating with audiences anymore. Apparently, audiences would either
like to be given new information or to be
left to their regularly programmed Reality
"Yeah, those TV crews should stop taking
prisoners, and start reporting the news
dammit," insisted devoted couch potato
Barney Glotz.
Other things that may help ratings is more
carnage. Al Jazzera recently tried this.
However, experts say that showing too
much carnage could backfire for US based
stations by causing negative public
response to the war. If this were to happen,
the news stations fear that they may be
labelled unpatriotic, and that their staff
would then be shipped to Guantanamo
Bay with the rest of the "terrorists."
"In the name of freedom, we have to be
very careful not to upset the sensibilities of
George W. Bush's government," stated a
CNN spokesperson. "Freedom is very
important, we must not do anything to
upset the Freedom.' Freeddm- is -l©rd.
Doubleplusgood." ' *;*-
1984 references aside, the United States
has yet to lose any naval assets.
"We haven't managed to sink any of our
own ships, yet, but we are still trying,"
reported naval attache, Mitch Jones. "It
would be a really spectacular blow to the
war effort if an aircraft carrier went down.
We are focusing our efforts on the USS
Kitty Hawk. That'll take a lot of firepower."
Use this Coupon to enjoy
One Free Beer
Arts County Fair
April 9, 2003
Kangaroo Jack
Sweeps Oscars
Hollywood (Reuters)
In a series of surprises Sunday night, the
movie Kangaroo Jack won Oscar after
Oscar even though it had received no
nominations. Among its wins were best
actor for the kangaroo and best foreign language film. Jerry O'Connell won best supporting actor, beating out Kangaroo Jack co-
star Christopher Walken (nominated for
Catch Me if You Can).
The kangaroo, wearing a stylish, yet
risque, Versace original held in place only
by double-sided tape, said that the award
"opens all sorts of doors in acting for kangaroos, everywhere, particularly in
As the night wore on, the movie took
home the Oscar for best costume design
and for best original score.
"There's no original music in the damn
movie," stated a snubbed John Williams.
"Not that, I've . . . um . . . seen Kangaroo
Jack, of course."
Best director went to David McNally who
also directed Coyote Ugly in 2000.
"Finally, I get the recognition that I
deserve," stated McNally in his acceptance
speech. "Coyote Ugly was a masterpiece
performance on so many levels, but I guess
that the Academy was too thick to see the
intricate web of symbolism. That movie
was only surpassed by this year's Kangaroo
Jack. You should all be ashamed at delaying
this rightful honour to me."
Estella Warren was given the brand new
award of "best chick in Kangaroo Jack." Her
only comment was, "I'm so embarrassed."
Finally, now that his career is obviously
over, producer Jerry Bruckheimer was
given a lifetime achievement award for
"Having delivered so many quality movies
in the past thirty years." Viewers were
treated to a montage of his work including
scenes from ConAir, Beverly Hills Cop (I
and II), Bad Boys, Pearl Harbour and more.
"How was I supposed to know that fifty
bucks would buy so many votes?" commented Bruckheimer. Page Two
25 March 2003
SCDS Virus Outbreak Continues Worldwide
Volume Sixteen
Issue Twelve
25 March 2003
Benjamin Warrington
Assistant Editor
Eggy Yuh
Dan Anderson
Andreas Baur
Anna-Marie Bueno
Jo Krack
Johnny Mclntyre
Jeremy Moses
Stephen Naphegyi
Michelle Nelson
Keryn Rolston
Wylie Spencer
Sara Stamm
Matthew Stoltzfus
Reka Sztopa
Eric Tong
Sameer Wahid
Benjamin Warrington
Jonathan Woodward
Frank Yang
Dan Yokom
Eggy Yuh
Chris Zappavigna
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is published fortnightly
from the pancreas of the (Colonel)
Klinck Building. All views expressed
in this issue are strictly those of the
individual writers, and as such are
not the responsibility of the 432,
The Science Undergraduate Society,
or the Faculty of Science. Writers
and cartoonists are encouraged to
submit their material to the 432.
Submissions must meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle
at least thrice, and contain the
author's name and contact information.
Contact us at: the432@hotmail.com
Of course, when I say, "us," I don't
in any way mean me. I'm leaving,
and I have no intention of reading
your email, but I am sure that Lana
would love to hear your complaints.
Good Luck, and so forth.
Epidemic May Cause "Extensive Havoc"
Frank Yang
Toronto (March 22, 2003)
Canadian researchers gave an alarming report on Friday regarding the
spread of the latest information
virus that has already taken hold in many
areas of North America.
The virus which causes sudden concept
dissociation syndrome (SCDS) has been
identified by the Canadian research team
as originating from the American west
coast. This fact, combined with other discovered results, allowed the team to confirm long held suspicions that this latest
virus is the newest, most infectious strain
from the same family of similar illnesses
which have already infected large portions
the continental United States in previous
"What makes this [virus] so terrifying is
the infection mechanism. It's something
we've only seen hints of in the previous
outbreaks," said Gabriel Barnes, research
team director. "Unlike the 'terrorism' and
'weapons of mass destruction' strains,
which by and large insert themselves over
a long period of continuous exposure, this
newest 'freedom' strain infects its hosts
very quickly-by replacing many unrelated
concepts with itself."
To illustrate the severity of SCDS infection, Barnes reported that a short time after
infection many patients are no longer able
to comprehend the idea of assassination,
murder, political hostility, foreign occupation or even certain potato based fast
foods, all of which having been replaced
by "freedom". In advance stages of the disease, these symptoms completely cripple
the patient's ability to think rationally.
Some researchers feel the rate of infection
gives cause for alarm. Cases of SCDS outbreaks have already been reported in the
United Kingdom, Australia and several
other nations mere weeks after the initial
sighting in Washington DC. Startling indications of SCDS spreading to the Middle
East have also been found by Barnes' team
following the commencement of
Operation: Iraqi Freedom.
"We are on the brink of a worldwide epidemic," said Barnes, "In a worst case scenario, 'freedom' will continue to spread at
its current rate, as well as managing to
replace an ever growing number of concepts from hegemony to hotdogs, causing
extensive havoc. In that event, for millions
of people across the world the ability to
communicate would soon become all but
Despite the warnings, public health
departments have repeatedly stated there
is currently no cause for the public to be
alarmed. However, health officials have
given indication that in the event of a local
outbreak, citizens are recommended to
stay in freedom.
Local Bus Stop Explodes
in Heat of Controversy
Wylie Spencer
New Correspondent
Visitors to the UBC bus loop had a
surprise sight lately to see that one
of the stops has burnt to the
ground. The B-Line stop burst into flames
last week and spontaneously exploded
sending pieces flying 150m into the air. The
cause of the explosion is unknown, but
most attribute it to the heat involved in
local controversy. The bus loop, is located
near the centre of campus and receives a
lot of conflicting energy. Posters tacked to
the stop were also conflicting in views and
perspectives creating a lot of friction.
"Its been well known for a while now that
friction creates heat, and ultimately given
the right conditions and materials, it can
spark a fire." Physics TA Ralph DaMilinco
added "No! Hold on. You can't print that,
I'm not supposed to be working! Student
might LEARN! Come back here!" Luckily
DaMilinco's protest signs hampered his
running and this reporter escaped.
With the wealth of issues and controversy
that surrounds University life many attrib
ute the explosion to that of the U-Pass and
S3 referenda. Supporters of the U-Passes
'Yes' campaign declined to comment and
refused co-operate in the on-going investigation.
Campus police were reviewing videotape
of the event in the hopes of turning up new
evidence in the case, hoping to see exactly
which controversy sparked the explosion.
"We've holed up a third of our RCMP campus force in a room with the videotape and
a constant stream of glazed doughnuts
from Country Time." Constable C.
Donahuelog stated Wednesday. "So far
we've been able to eliminate possible causes like the referendum on the sexual
assault centre, although an alarmingly
high number of people voted no to that.
What are you? Sick bastards? How would
you like it if I raped you? Would you give
up your dollar then? Oh yeah, you can't
print that." Luckily this reporter isn't a
'real' reporter and ran it anyways.
UBC President Martha Piper toured
ground zero last Monday calling the events
'tragic' and 'shocking'. When told that no
students were hurt in the blast, Martha
continued "Students? That's not why I am
here. This was a perfectly good bus stop!"
Not one to let a profitable venture slip by,
Piper announced afterwards of the univer
sities plans to build high-priced condominiums on the site where the bus stop
once stood.
The local fire department has ordered
"buckets" of rain from God in hopes to
prevent this type of explosion from rocking the educational institute in the coming
weeks. Authorities feel that SUB is at risk
for explosion if the GAP returns, and hope
to have a full evacuation plan designed
before it shows up.
Local controversy has heated up in the last
few months and claimed all sorts of casualties. Three physiology students were taken
to hospital after being caught in the crossfire between Teaching Assistants and the
UBC administration. "It was like a hail of
bullets, and suddenly my shoulder stung,
and then my left leg. Getting shot hurts."
Student Rakel Mintos smiled between
chipped teeth. "It really was my fault, I
shouldn't have crossed the picket lines."
Strikers have now adopted large, white
shields with various slogans on them as
shields, -which they proudly wear about
their necks.
Three weeks earlier two police cruisers
were flooded when a rising tide of protest
against tuition increases caught them off
From the World Playground
Matthew Stoltzfus
No Pee in da Sandbox
Today on the playground of the
School of Nations, a fight broke out
between Jorge W. America and Sam
Irack. Sources say that this fight first
began by the mini golf course when Sam
claimed that he could beat up Jorge's dad.
This caused Jorge to burst into tears and
the two boys began to fight. The so called
"Mini Golf War" went to Jorge due to his
self claimed "smart punches". It was said
that many of the other children began to
cheer at this achievement, then immediately returned to their daily activities. That
was days ago, but today at the playground
the conflict grew. Little Jorge was eating
his lunch with his friends at the Unfriendly
Nation table. He finished his entire lunch
as well as the lunches from several other
children, when he started staring jealously
at the chocolate pudding snack of the middle eastern section of the playground.
Sources say chocolate pudding is what
fuels Jorge America for the extent of his
day. His pudding snack was much smaller
than that of Sam Irack.
Jorge and the children of the Unfriendly
Nation began to approach the sandbox
were Sam Irack was allegedly playing with
his army men, or "Toys of Mass Elation".
Eyewitnesses claim Sam buried and hid his
toy soldiers. In response, Jorge sent his
friends to go inspect the sand box and find
the "Toys of Mass Elation". Sam claimed
to have either lost all the toys or had them
dismantled by the swing set. Jorge continued his search and began to threaten Sam
with a "noogie and wedgie strike the likes
of which history has yet to witness". The
threat had an immediate effect. Sam produced two or three of the "Toys of Mass
Elation" and claimed they are all he had
but sources say that his claim was followed
by snickers and laughter amongst him and
his friends. Many of Jorge's friends in the
Unfriendly Nation were satisfied with this.
They claim that another fight would cause
retaliation from Sam's friends involving
egging of their houses and other small
attacks. Jorge ignored his friends and gave
Sam an ultimatum. He told him he had 48
seconds to leave the playground before he
devastated his sandbox. Despite the efforts
of Jaques Freeman and Boris Russa, who
were once good friends of Jorge's, and also
with help from his friends Tony Britania
and Pedro Espana, Jorge set out to beat up
Sam and take his pudding snacks and toys.
Without warning, a wind picked up sand
and blew it in the eyes of Jorge and his
friends. This storm of sand will delay the
fighting but only for a little while. When
asked for comment, Jean Mapleleaf was
heard to say "I hope none of these boys
grow up to run a country. But that's just
the way children act."
Tensions remain high as the entire playground awaits the results. 25 March 2003
Page Three
The land of the bizzare
Johnny Mcintyre
„,<; Secretary of Insanity
This probably being the last edition of
The 432 for this semester, let me take
a few minutes to try and fathom that
great land to the south of us. I speak of
course of America, the country that gave us
Julia Roberts, the Internet, Starbucks, the
aeroplane and many, many other things.
By the time this paper is printed, there
will likely be a war going on in Iraq with
the Americans and their coalition of the
willing pounding the dust out of Iraq. War
being what it is, I don't know what to say
except that it is just rotten.
This article is meant to take a look at the
bizzare rituals and odd creatures that
inhabit the United States starting off with
the relations between America and France.
Since France is somehow the evil country
now, it seems that the American anger has
been turned on them and anything relating
to France. I saw people on TV pouring out
Cognac and French wine ( expensive
French wine ) into a lake somewhere in
America as a protest of the French "intransigence". Then there are the law-makers (
and until recently, grown-ups ) in
Washington who have decided that French
Fries and French Toast are no longer
acceptable food items. The food is fine, the
names are not. It is now Freedom Fries.
Seems apt enough. The latest ( fifth )
French republic is set up on the lines of the
previous ones with Liberte, Egalite and
Fraternite being its corner stones. For those
who don't know French (I don't either ) it
stands for Liberty, Equality and Fraternity.
I suppose if you have liberty and equality,
that would be considered freedom. So
bravo to the American legislators on their
childishness. Someday the dictionary will
have the word silly with a picture of these
fine folks. Maybe patriot too.
This begs a very fundamental question.
And it is this: What does it take to be a target? Any time any one displeases America,
they become targets. It doesn't matter if
you are right or wrong, arguing about a
minute point or not; if you are on the
wrong side of America, then you are buggered. You are evil; you are to be boycotted; you are just plain wrong. Eating
"Freedom" fries instead of French fries will
not hurt France, no one pays the Elysee
palace a royalty when they buy an order of
French fries. Not buying Cognac,
Champagne and French wine will hurt the
French. Not visiting France will hurt, not
buying Airbus aircraft will hurt
Europeans. Consider this though, would
Americas stop buying French makeup,
French perfumes, stop French kissing and
the like? They could, and they might. The
problem with this approach is that Saddam
Hussein is not being hurt in any way. He's
smiling, heck he's laughing with cigars in
his hand. I thought the bloke they were
after was Saddam, not Chirac. Jokes
abound these days about Chirac. Jokes
abound about how evil, bad and useless
the French are.
But what of the others? What of our Prime
Minister who said that he wouldn't send
our military out on this, the latest of
Georgy's adventures? What of President
Putin of Russia? Chacellor Gerhard
Schroder of Germany? President Hu Jintao
of China? Prime Minster Vajpayee of
India? Presidents Ricardo Lagos, ( General
turned President) Musharraf, Fox, leaders
of Chile, Pakistan, Mexico respectively?
They all oppose this war, just to name a
few. So is America going to boycott everything from all opposing countries? Can
they do that? The insanity of war is bad
enough, the childishness of some of the
American ways is just downright revolting. What about good old American values
of equalities and freedom of this and that?
I guess that works as long as others agree
with America.
Americans are a resolute people. They
rally around that flag no matter what.
There is something awesome about the
power of the stars and stripes, it magically
brings them all together. They drape their
war dead in it, they raise it every day with
the bugle playing the Reveille. Reveille
being from the French word reviler. So does
that tradition go, now that the Americans
are no longer speaking to the French? Who
knows. I hope not.
In today's world it seems that America is
the centre of it all. They call the shots, they
decide what is fair, who is a terrorist, who
is evil, what the UN should do and what it
shouldn't, what is important and what is
not. They have the power. They have the
military might many people dream of, the
financial resources that many dream of, the
glitz and glamour that many dream of.
They can make what ever decision they
want, and no one can oppose it. But look a
little into history. There was once a time
when the sun never set on the British
Empire ( Some people have cited a reason
for this, they say it was because God didn't
trust the British in the dark ). Rome was
once ruler of vast swathes of Europe,
Africa and Asia. The Soviet Union is no
more. Someday, the American dream will
end. Ask neo-realists and they will tell you
that. Someday.
Let me finish this article by quoting a little
bit from a man with some hint of ethics in
politics. He is Robin Cook, former Foreign
Secretary and former House Leader of the
British Government. He quit as House
Leader over Britain going to war against
Iraq, "...tonight the international partnerships most important to us are weakened:
the European Union is divided; the
Security Council is in stalemate. Those are
heavy casualties of a war in which a shot
has yet to be fired."
It seems America does indeed decide what
is important. I just hope they do decide to
exercise more judgement next time
around. And maybe not throw away the
statue of Liberty away because the French
gave it to them.
Tales of Ordinary Delusion: Part Three
Not a Sunken Island
So its official, we are going to war. My
disappointment about this is huge,
colossal, and spans the globe and
everything in it. Many people share my
sentiments. This is a failure for diplomacy
and for the hopes that the symbol of the
United Nations would prevail.
Nonetheless, thousands of people around
the world held several protests, petitions,
walk outs and other forms of political
activism on a scale that has never been seen
before. It is a great accomplishment, and
softens the heart of idealists everywhere
(myself included).
Many other issues in my life seem trivial
when I realize that 46% of the Iraqi population are children and they will bear the
brunt of the horrors of this war. It is unfair
and unjust, and I believe it goes against
everything that democracy stands for,
indeed this war is not really about disposing of a dictator (that incidentally has several ties to the US and Russian governments) but about oil control in the region.
Its about the big $$$ that make the world
go round, and this money is concentrated
in the hands of a select few. Capitalism has
been around for a long time, but this kind
of addiction to wealth-accumulation that
causes thousands of people die in wars,
and for many more starve due to sanctions
is a relatively new phenomenon. It is anti-
human. It is cruelty and its own type of
tyranny. So by deduction we have two
powerful warlords/tyrants squaring off
with one another to prove who has the bigger set of balls. The end result is that everyone loses out, and essentially we will be
back to square one with another pair of
warmongering, power-hungry, capitalistic-
vacuums playing "I'm the King of the
Castle" with one another. Its really got to
All the protests in the world attest to a
global desire and movement towards
peace. There are a lot of interconnected
problems in the world that can only really
be solved if everyone helps out, and no
problem that affects a lot of people is simple to solve. Its time to reflect on what we
want for our futures, our children (if we
have them eventually), and our planet. Its
unfortunately the only place we have to
live if you discount the international space
station, and we therefore need to take care
of it and take care of ourselves. I believe
that a structure like the United Nations is
necessary for our globalized world, and
that if people actually adhere to
International Law, these kinds of atrocities
and war games will become dramatically
reduced. One cannot assume that war will
become obsolete, humans have been on
this planet a long time and have been com
peting since day one; however, it is time to
move on and grow up as a species ...
I cannot directly tell you all to walk out
the day war starts, or tell you to sign any
petitions, but I will say this: if you are
opposed to the war, do not become apathetic or disenchanted with your lack of
clout within society, let your voice be heard
and join other voices. If we yell loud
enough, they just might have to listen to
eric tong 2002 Page Four
25 March 2003
So Long, Farewell
. . . et cetera
* *       Graduating, Too
ii open letter to anyone bored
enough to be reading this:
So this is it. This is the culmination of my
five years at UBC, the zenith of my journalistic pursuits, and the swan song to end
all swan songs. I bid farewell to my devoted following (please, continue to kiss my
feet and request autographs - I swear, I
don't mind) who have followed me
through the hilarity of derogatory rantings
against rice kings, musings about picky
food habits, the bitter observations of a
proud Singleton, and cheap shots at UBC
administration. How will I function with-,
out a friendly, bi-weekly reminder from
dear Ben that I need to give him something
to print so that he doesn't have to resort to
placing Random Black Bars all over the latest issue?
The funny thing is, you all think that I'm
doing this for you. That I'm sitting here
right now trying to be clever, so that it will
have been worth your time to read this so-
called publication. The truth is, you've all
been fooled by my ingenious plan. This
"column", if I'm allowed to be so arrogant
as to call it one, is simply a means for me to
complain about things to the general public. It's much more efficient to write an
article about {insert controversial observation here} than to seek out the readers of
this newspaper and tell them personally.
Isn'tthat why anyone goes out on a limb
and makes him or herself publicly available? Ifs the same reason that stupid
Americans go on reality TV shows - they
just really really like attention, and are desperate for their 15 minutes of fame. So
while I really like attention (hey - only
child of Asian descent -1 can't help it), I'm
not willing to complete humiliate myself
by going on TV. I will, however, defame
anyone and everyone that I know by
exposing their inane antics to the general
public.   Really, ifs my 15 minutes, at the
expense of those around me.
Case in point: last year, post-Rice king
article. Strange thing was, I submitted that
article about four months before it was
printed (some sort of post 9/11 sensitivity
thing, bah, meant that it wasn't suitable at
the time) and didn't even know that it had
somehow made its way into the Valentine's
Day issue of the 432. So after I got emails
from nearly everyone I knew, and was
stopped by random people in the hallway
asking if my name was Eggy.. .let's just say,
it was very cool to be "the girl who wrote
that article".
Second example: last issue's submission
regarding the TA strike and how UBC
administration is a really great propaganda machine. After having that article posted up in the hallway outside my lab, it
mysteriously went missing and apparently, I am now known amongst nameless
TA's as "the undergrad who wrote that
So what have I learned over the course of
my 432 stint? One, that a deadline is never
really a deadline. Second, that ifs always
nice to stir up controversy. I've sometimes
shied away from topics because I felt that
they might be misinterpreted by those who
didn't know me. But what I've noticed is
that the topics I feel most strongly about
(i.e., rice kings and the TA strike) are the
ones that some people are going to take
offence at; the articles that I write about
such topics are generally more focused
and come out of my head a lot easier. And
third, that using your friends as column
fodder is not underhanded and evil; if
their behaviour is heinous enough to be
column material in the first place, then it
deserves to be publicly mocked.
So thafs it for me. No more stressing on
Saturday morning when I realize I haven't
written, much less emailed, a submission.
But also no more outlet for my aimless
rantings, and no more charming egg cartoon next to my name. Sigh. Ifs been fun,
and I'll miss you all...every single nameless one of you.
Dead Pool Results
Well, the Dead Pool is about done
for the year. There are no winning deaths to report. After last
year's run that was claimed by Albert, this
is just kind of depressing. You guys sure
don't know how to pick them.
Some of the people who would have been
winning selections include Mister Rogers
(died 2/27/2003), Dolly the cloned sheep
(died 2/14/2003), any of the STS-107 crew
(died 02/01/2003 when the space shuttle
Columbia broke up), Richard Harris (died
10/25/2002), and many others.
Unfortunately for you, Osama bin Laden's
death has not been proven. Last I heard,
the odds makers still had him pegged as
alive. There are rumours that Saddam
Hussein was injured in the US's openning
attack, but again, no evidence that he was
killed. No one has tried to assassinate
Hamid Karzai lately, or for that matter,
George W. Bush or Tony Blair. Ronald
Reagan and the Pope have both held on a
little while longer.
Bob Dylan, Bob Hope, and Bob Dole are
all still kicking as is Britney Spears and
Alan Alda. Need I continue?
Oh and Joseph Heller? Yes, he's dead. He
died in in 1999 December, though, so no
points for him either.
What does this all mean? Well, I guess that
it means that we are into the bonus round.
The contest will stay open until 2003
March 31, at which time, if anyone gets any
points, we will still declare the winner and
cough up the Arts County Fair tickets. If
not, I guess Mrs. Death and I are going to
ACF for free. That should be fun. How
many of you want to see Treble Charger
keel over on stage? I can be pretty nasty
when I'm drunk. Lefs just say that the
bands had better put on a good show.
Oh and Albert, man you scare even me. If
you want to send an email (the432@hot-
mail.com), perhaps we can settle up for last
year's prize.
So to recap: nobody guessed anybody
right, so we can't declare a winner. If on the
slightest chance one or more of those people dies by the end of the month, then we
will still declare a winner. Otherwise, well,
maybe we'll draw for it. Play again next
year. That is, if you don't die in the meantime.
And remember, don't fear the reaper.
Dan Anderson
Starry-Eyed Surprise
When your coworkers said you were
being bullheaded, they didn't really mean
for you to take it as a compliment and wear
that damned helm around the office all
You will discover the cure to cancer next
week, but your messy bedside scribblings
will be interpreted as a ransom note when
you wake up, forcing you to ask: just who
did take all your underwear?
You've naturally smelt like roses since you
turned 15. Too bad even roses start to go
bad and stink after a few years.
Your play, "The Fish and the Fishermen,"
will be gutted by the critics before flopping
at the theatre.
No matter how hard you try, the Scorpio
who dumped you won't come back.
Building the strongest magnet known to
man will not solve this. It wouldn't work
anyways - you can't make magnets out of
bubblegum and grass.
Sure, Girl Guide cookies are meant to help
charity. Next week, when they ask you to
buy them, say "no," however. Most Girl
Guides don't sell them by the crate out the
back of minivans.
You will come up with a new catchphrase
that will become the most-used meme in
the world next month. Unfortunately, even
when everyone else is sick of it, you'll keep
saying it, and you'll get sacked, evicted,
and dumped for just that. Next time keep it
to yourself.
The Leo you dumped would do absolutely anything for you. Endless hours of
cheap entertainment will ensue when you
realize that rusty nails are inexpensive and
you still have the Leo's phone number.
No news is good news, but sadly for you,
you just subscribed to three more newspapers. Welcome to delivery-boy tip hell,
come Christmas.
Don't count your chickens before they're
born. You should have realized that when
you bought them from IGA that they
wouldn't hatch, no matter how long you
left them in the "incubator" on the stove.
You'll be enveloped in March Madness.
Unfortunately, you'll be enveloped in a
Schwartzenegger will be very impressed
by your Terminator impression when he
sees you on the news as you fall into a pot
of molten metal.
Y u en rd ths, ucngt a gdjb n
emptr prgmmng." -unknown
------qM M^ -■
■   _m
H m\W
Feat: Toonie Test Tubes!!!
>._                                                                                                                                            J
Friday March 28   11^^    4 to 8pm
Outside Between Chemistry
A-Block and Hebb Theatre
Brought to you by the Undergraduate Chemistry Society 25 March 2003
Page Five
Careful with that
Axe, Eugene
Jonathan Woodward
It's a beautiful night, Eugene. It's nice of
you to invite me out to your shed so
that we could have a good man-to-man
chat, especially after that awful business
with your sister. Come into the shed?
Don't mind if I do.
My, you certainly have quite the collection
of tools here, Eugene. Those pitchforks
look sharp, and that shovel looks positively deadly. You look strapping, swinging
that axe. Where's the wood? Whoa, careful there, I felt that one whistle by a little
too close to my skull.
And again! Well, you know the saying,
once is chance, twice is coincidence. I
know we don't want to see three times -
that's evidence of hostile action.
Boy, that axe sure is rusty - it could do
some damage, you know. If you connected, I'd be dead, and that would be awful,
for both of us. Do you mean to do this? I
know we've all done some nasty things in
our lives, but to live with ourselves afterwards, we've needed a darn good reason.
You need at least one; I assure you, your
sister gave me a nice pair.
Let me explain. I know she came to you in
tears, maybe, but you know how emotional girls can get in the heat of the moment.
I'm sure she enjoyed herself with me, and if
you doubt I treated her nice, just ask any of
the other girls I've treated to my charms.
Sure, there aren't quite thirty of them, but if
all those good reviews won't convince you
to ignore just one bad review, how many
Now, you're just using a poor choice of
words. She's not my 'floozy'; she's a very
special lady. And 'ravish'? 'Violate'? I
think those words invoke just a little too
much negative energy. I much prefer 'educate'. After all, to start with, she needed a
few pointers.
Wow, you've just sliced into my polyester.
That was my lucky pick-up shirt; I hope
you don't think that it's rude of me to ask
that you pay for that later.
Are you a religious man, Eugene? Does
not the Bible call for forgiveness? For turning the other cheek? When you look at me,
don't think of your deflowered sister, think
of Jesus. Did He not say, "Judge not, lest ye
be judged"? Although I did judge your sister to be quite the catch. Hmm. That is an
unfortunate irony.
Jesus doesn't do it for you? Well, pick a
religion, say, Judaism, and I'll show you
how it subscribes to the ethic of 'Thou Shalt
Not Kill'. It's even a good part of what our
secular legal system is built on. Our whole
civilization. Without it, we'd be clumsily
swinging weapons around like savage Cro-
Magnon malcontents. Um, no offense. The
principles our society holds dear gave you
that axe. It wouldn't be very fitting to use
the axe against them. What about habeus
corpus? Well, yes, you might argue that I
already had your sister's body. And how.
But where does that reasoning get us?
Seriously, now, Eugene. Put yourself in
my shoes. Look at your sister in your
mind's eye. Isn't she irresistible? I know
she's your sister, but I'm sure as men we
can find some common ground. She's the
finest pick of the litter - well, not to imply
that you're not good looking in your own
right. I can see that you yourself share
some of what she offers: in your raging
eyes I can see some of the passion that she
showed me with her legs wrapped around
me, pounding like a piston, back arched in
glorious lordosis. She's no slouch in bed,
That's a nasty twitch you've just developed, Eugene. You should have a doctor
look into it.
I can see I'm not convincing you, and this
shed isn't getting any larger. Really, you
should be happy. Unless something's
changed since last week when I talked to
her, she's pregnant. You know what that
means: you're going to be an uncle! And
you wouldn't want to kill your nephew's
father. Because that makes me your brother, part of your family. Can you summon
up some love for your family right now?
Please, Eugene? Please?
preparing for Chemistry 123?
'98, '99, '00 CHEM 122 EXAMS
SALES: 11:00-2:00 R00MV222
Instant Meeting
Wylie Spencer
Log into You
Most of the world has finally come
to realize it: technology is changing the way in which we do
things. New advances in technology have
made us travel faster, receive and spend
money faster, and heat our food faster.
There are few things left untouched by
One of the new things becoming more and
more influenced by technology is dating.
Instant messenger services have reduced
the need for face-to-face or even voice-to-
voice contact. With such impersonal one
line messages there is far less risk involved.
Each message may be carefully calculated
to create the desired effect. Compared to
the necessary instant reply in face-to-face
communication this gives you time to
think about how and in exactly what tone
you wish to reply. Geeks the world over
can revel in the fact that if they get shut
down they can just delete their ICQ history
and the event never occurred. Textual
memories are far less damaging then those
of a visual context where a member of the
opposite sex contorts their face in an effort
to respond with a kind, gentle but
resounding, no. The beauty of MSN
Messenger is that it doesn't even have a
history to begin with, so one can be even
more naive.
As long as you have a lot of contacts on
your list (and some geeks pride themselves
on the sheer number) instant messaging
programs provide an instant champagne
room in which to discuss and flirt to your
hearts content. The socially inept can also
revel in the fact that you can never look
awkward standing by yourself not talking
to anyone, just set your status to busy and
it looks like you're popular.
One thing that has begun to creep back
into instant messaging from the real world
is the awkward silence. Say you're talking
<Tfe •     -     -     	
to someone pretty steadily for say 15 minutes when things come to an abrupt stop
when they say "Yeah" and you say "I
know its cool....:" What do you say next?
The conversation has come to a crashing
halt and must be resurrected early with a
new topic or subject.
The Internet also provides an outlet for
those with a mind to cheating or "playing
the binary" as the kids are calling it.
Thomas can be talking to Gina and telling
her to "come on over", while discussing
kissing techniques with Rachael and
telling Ruthie to "head over in a couple of
hours." Try accomplishing this on the
phone. So how is it possible you are able to
talk to several people at once? Its because
of the pauses between statements. So
instant messaging isn't really instant at all.
Not when you compare it to talking to
someone on the street, or calling up Susie
to discuss Roger.
Tag team dating has also begun to emerge.
Recipe: You get a guy and a girl and then
another guy. Take one part Steve likes
Tanya. Add a dash of mutual acquaintance
Todd. Steve and Tanya have conversations
over ICQ while Tanya also talks to Todd
about Steve. The two boys can be on the
phone at the same time telling each other
exactly what they're each saying, and make
themselves both look a lot better. While
slow to break into university circles, high
school students were quick to grab up the
new fad.
So how does the future look for the marriage of dating and the internet? Just ask
the some online dating services which
have eliminated the need for relationships
and which blatantly advertise the lack of
need for one to obtain casual sex.
So will instant message become as awkward as real world dating? Maybe we will
just give up on relationships and focus, on
mating while leading a successful single
life. If this is to happen the birthrate will
decrease and the whole human race with
die off.
So quit using instant messaging if you
want to save the human race.
Give us a shout, at Hiosocgrads@valioo.ca
for a night you'll never forget! ^r*
A Page Six
25 March 2003
Last Report From a Foreign Land
Jo Krack
Not Done Yet
All good things must come to an end.
Apparently, so must all not-so-
good things, along with all subjec-
you-look-at-them things. Wherever my
foreign correspondence falls in that spectrum, this appears to be the last missive of
the school year. Come September, I'll be
back at UBC and Osaka will be a distant
memory, my tiny barely-bigger-than-
Buchanan campus replaced by a sprawling
city-size campus and my visibility as a foreigner erased as I become an invisible local
once more. The thing I'll miss most, of
course (and those of you who've been
reading my columns all year know what
I'm about to say), is the .food. Which
reminds me: I'd better learn how to make
as much of it as possible, so that I won't
become dependent on Japanese restaurant
fare when I return. The best stuff is always
But of course, I'm here for another four
months, so I'm getting ahead of myself. I
think it's time to return to the usual topic:
life in Osaka.
Last week, I had the opportunity to attend
a "goukon". "Gou" (pronounced "go")
stands for meeting, and "kon" comes from
the English word "competition." Can you
guess what a goukon is, then? Thafs right!
A singles mixer! Apparently, goukon are
quite popular among university-aged
youngsters. A girl asks a guy friend to
bring a bunch of his single friends out to
meet a bunch of her single friends; they all
meet in a pub and drink a lot while trying
to hook up. Since guys and girls don't really mix with the same casualness as in
Canada, these little parties are a great way
to meet potential dates. And if you throw
in a few foreigners, it gets even more interesting, and you shall see-
First of all, for the sake of simplicity, I'm
going to refer to the other two exchange
students by their hometowns: Vancouver
and Chetwynd. Vancouver is 19 years old
and about 5'3; Chetwynd is 24 years old
and about 5'10. Vancouver is bubbly,
enthusiastic, and looking for a boyfriend;
Chetwynd comes across as more serious,
and is waiting for a marriage-minded
Christian (she decided to come to the
goukon anyway, to practice her spoken
On the night of the goukon, Vancouver
and Chetwynd and I met two of our
Japanese friends at the arranged train station. We waited a little while for the boys to
show up; after about five minutes our
Japanese friends suddenly perked up: the
boys had arrived. And boys they were: I
don't think any of them were taller than
5'4, and all them weighed less than the
girls. Plus, I got the distinct impression
than they were still in high school... I
quickly warned Vancouver that we were
going to be nice to them anyway, and not
let on that we didn't find them to be stunning physical specimens. And so, like an
awkward 8th grade dance, the goukon
We walked to a nearby Japanese-style pub
(which means it had tatami floors and
good lighting, and you could order really
good food along with your alcohol) and
arranged ourselves at the long table. There
was then complete silence for at least a
minute or two, which I broke by saying,
"So, should we introduce ourselves?"
Apparently this is not normal goukon procedure, because the guys all laughed. Then
they said sure, good idea, and then they
changed that to no, the beer hasn't arrived
yet. Apparently you need a drink before
you can tell people your name. Live and
After everyone received their orders, we
were ready to go around in a circle and say
our names; which actually did end up
being an ice breaker. The food started
arriving, including a "pizza" with red bean
paste on it (it was great!) and little balls of
chicken bones in deep-fried batter (won't
be giving KFC's chicken popcorn a run for
their money anytime soon...). As the alcohol flowed, the party heated up. Vancouver
was managing to hold the attention of
three of the four boys, while Chetwynd
was getting frozen out. Poor Chetwynd.
Although not all that big by Canadian
standards, she was probably intimidating
the Japanese guys anyway. As the boys
switched around their seats to get next to
Vancouver, oblivious to insulting
Chetwynd, she tried to take it gracefully.
Meat markets can be cruel like that.
During all this, I was devoting my attention to the guy next to me, who was actually a really good conversationalist.
Vancouver, apparently dissatisfied with
her three admirers, decided that whoever
I'd snagged was probably the most desirable (I was flattered) and tried to switch
seats to horn in on my action. Chetwynd,
however, occupied the seat across from
"my" guy, and she wasn't about to give it
up to Vancouver (long story there), so all
turned out well, for me anyway.
After the meal, we all hiked back to the
train station, where we discovered we'd all
be on the same train. Vancouver was able
to make a last play for the one guy she'd
missed, but he was too busy trying to help
his friend get her phone number. We all got
off the train at the same stop, and
Vancouver got the idea that I was taking
"my" guy home! I let her think that until
we were through the ticket gate, at which
point we went one way and "my" guy
went the other. When she saw him leaving,
Vancouver was too stunned to speak for a
moment, but since she has a good sense of
humour, she was soon laughing about it. I
assured her that although I'd found him
interesting for the evening, I'd been left far
from seduced. Although it turned out that
he has the same kind of dog as I do, so we
may end up going dog-walking one of
these days. I really miss my dog .. .
Vancouver, Chetwynd and I walked home
from the station, with Vancouver complaining that I "got the good one" and
Chetwynd pointing out that Vancouver got
the other three so what was she complaining about? I was just happy that we'd survived the meat market without too many
bruised egos. Perhaps we'll get invited to
more goukons before we leave, but really,
I'm more interested in doing some travelling.
There you have it; a school year's worth of
anecdotes from Osaka, Japan. Thanks to all
of my readers who wrote in with comments and requests, and sorry that I couldn't cover everything you asked for. Hey,
you might as well come on over here and
find your own answers; it's definitely
worth it! And in the meantime, as always,
you can reach me at gimmekrack@hot-
mail.com. Ja, minasan, bai bai!
What's that? That's right. I'm getting the f*@# out of here.
Celebrate your
graduation with UCS&BPP
Graduation Ball
Saturday May 3rd, 2003
Pan Pacific Hotel
Reception at 6:3 0pm
Dinner & Dance till 1:00am
N +1 Ji'i'vA
This year's grad dinner will be held in the Governor General Suite of the Pan
Pacific Hotel. It's the largest ballroom with a spectacular view of the water
and downtown Vancouver. The buffet dinner will include dim sum, seafood,
vegetarian dishes, desert, as well as complementary punch and champagne.
After dinner, there will be lots of prizes and a dance floor with lighting effects
and quality sound. D J Masterplan will be in attendance with a wide selection
of music from Techno to hip-hop, Top40, and more!
Tickets: $40.00 each
FREE for students who contributed $35+ to the Glass Act grad gift
Seating is limited, so get your tickets now!
Tickets on sale at the UCS Office in D222
Who Needs Food,
Keryn Rolston
Nof Hungry
In 1997, UBC signed an agreement with
the GVRD known as the "Campus
Community Plan." Under the terms
agreed to when they signed, UBC plans to
turn South Campus into condominiums
and a "commercial village" (a.k.a. a
"mall"). The plan is to house 18 000 people
on campus by 2021, and 24 000 by 2030.
This means an end to UBC Farm, and several hectares of parklands surrounding it.
Now I know what many of you are thinking: "UBC has a farm?" Well, in 5 years, we
probably won't, and good riddance! After
all, what this world really needs is more
malls, not (ugh!) farmlands! In a perfect
world, everything would be paved.
Concrete never stains your clothes.
Think about how marvelous this campus
could be without the farm. Without a
farm, we would never have to see those
dirty farmers selling (and just the thought
of this turns my stomach) their organic
produce. The pesticides in normal produce just keep out the worms, after all.
And what of the hundreds of city kids that
visit the farm to learn how things grow,
you may ask? I say ignorance is bliss. The
less they know, the better. I certainly don't
want any child to know more than I do.
Besides, I can just see those little tykes
bawling when they find out the farm they
loved so much has gone to make way for
the modern conveniences of a mall!
It has come to my attention that the farm
is still in use by certain faculties and students. These faculties include Science
(many labs are done using sheep's blood
taken from the sheep at the farm),
Agricultural Science, and Forestry. Now,
many will argue that the students who use
the farm are our future, and, thus, it is
important that we train them properly.
The students in Agricultural Sciences are
training to be dieticians, nutritionists, veterinarians, and, yes, farmers. Without the
farm, they lose a place to practice these
skills (some of which can not be learned
from textbooks) out in the field. Obviously
this is no longer necessary, and I'm glad to
see that the University agrees with me.
After all, it doesn't matter if those that produce our food do not know how to effectively do so. As Martha knows, creatures
of eternal darkness do not require earthly
foods, they feed on the souls of others. 25 March 2003
Page Seven
Overcome with Gratitude
Have you ever had one of those days
when you find yourself asking,
"what the hell am I doing at UBC,
anyway?" I have. And I'm afraid to admit
that there have been times when I just can't
come up with a satisfactory answer. Well,
those days are over. Thanks to my computer I never have to ask that question again.
You see, all I needed to do was read Dr.'s
Piper's "labour issues" speech on-line. Like
a Buddhist koan, Dr. Piper's speech has
Opened my mind, and now each day I
become more and more thankful that I am
a member of the UBC community.
For those of you who have not taken the
time to read President Piper's speech, I
urge you, as fellow community members,
to do so. The last two paragraphs in particular are so inspiring that I still have to read
them standing up. Martha reminds us that
each UBC community member has a "firm
belief in and profound commitment to
education." Indeed, we see this commitment all around us every day. In fact just
yesterday, as one of my psychology professors stood in silence, laser pointing at the
ceiling as he struggled to make sense of his
own overheads, I looked around the lecture hall and witnessed first hand this com
mitment. I mean, where else do you find
students who are so eager to absorb knowledge that they take advantage of such lulls
in a lecture to catch up on some sleep so
that they are as fresh as possible when the
professor resumes his lecture? It is truly
inspiring. In fact, I've heard that there are
universities back east where the professors
come to class so well-prepared and deliver
lectures that are so engaging and provocative that the poor students don't have a
hope in hell of "freshening up" in preparation for their next class. How, I wonder, is
this benefiting anyone? In her speech, Dr.
Piper acknowledges the fact that most of
the University's employees could work
anywhere in the province, but instead they
have chosen to work at the University of
British Columbia. And is this any surprise
to anyone? It shouldn't be. I mean, who
among the males on campus have not
imagined the intense pride that must well
up in the janitorial staff as they scrub the
words "Blow job? Lasserre building can"
off the grout above the urinals in virtually
every men's washroom on campus? Is it
any wonder that these workers are always
so cheerful? The other day I was walking
past Martha's residence when I noticed
men working on scaffolding around her
house, and I was reminded of her reference
to those UBC community members that
she has had the pleasure of meeting,
including those who "have worked directly on [her] house." She thanked these individuals for choosing to work at UBC even
though they could "work anywhere in this
province." Curiosity got the better of me
and I asked one of the guys how he likes
working at UBC, and whether he would
rather work somewhere else in BC. He didn't hesitate for a second. He said that he
wouldn't want to be installing bulletproof
windows anywhere else in the world. We
hugged, and the pride was palpable.
If Martha was trying to instill in me a
sense of pride, well, it worked. In fact, it
was just last week when I was overcome
with pride as I was walking into campus
from Blanca St. where the bus dropped me
off. I was thinking of all those things in this
community that make it as special as it is.
For example, we all know how tight-knit
communities like ours recognize the
importance of social activities that bring us
together. By engaging in such activities, we
get to know each other better and, in doing
so, we gain even greater respect and admiration for our fellow community members
while at the same time strengthening our
community as a whole. As the sound of a
bullhorn got louder and the smell of smoke
got more intense, I was reminded of the fellow who sat next to me in last year's biology lab. It seemed he was unable to finish an
assignment that was due because it had
been "Survivor" night at the Pit the night
before and apparently he had an obligation
to attend tribal council. Was the TA who
taught the course going to deny this poor
guy a passing grade simply because he
chose to participate in one of our commu
nity's social activities - an activity that
brings us together and keeps our community strong? Of course not. The TA was
completely sympathetic and agreed to give
him a passing grade in exchange for a case
of Heineken. I believe it is this mix of community spirit and commitment to academic excellence that Martha wants us all to
remember when the going gets rough.
These were my thoughts as I was weaving
my way through the protesters, paramedics and police. I think I had just passed
the hit and run victims and was approaching the bus stop that was set on fire when I
recalled Dr. Piper's closing words.
Addressing the UBC community as a
whole, she simply thanked us for our decision to be at UBC. I'm serious, she actually
thanks us for being here. No, Dr. Piper, it's
not you who should be thanking us. We
should be thanking you, for you are the
architect of this community. If it weren't for
your stalwart efforts at the helm, god only
knows what campus life would be like.
And so, on behalf my psychology professor and all those students who treasure
their opportunities to "freshen up," on
behalf of the janitorial staff and the fellow
giving blow jobs in the Lasserre building
can, on behalf of the guys who installed
your bulletproof windows, my biology TA
and "Survivor" guy, on behalf of the protesters and hit and run victims, on behalf of
ALL of us, Dr. Piper, I would like to take
this opportunity to thank you.
Musing of A Beer Induced Brain Fart
Sara Stamm
Never got a Byline
For the last seven months I have been
doing some very strenuous  field
research. I am now publishing the
results. All fourth year students take note.
Back in September I had a strangely compelling urge to explore what life after university might entail. So, I sent my student
loan back to Ottawa, packed up all my old
genetics notes (I hope to one day have a
big, pretty bonfire complete with a week's
worth of gasoline), and moved to Victoria
(it's where all the politicians gather, where
else to learn about the real world?). I quickly discovered that without the cushion of a
year's worth of student loan sitting in your
bank account, a job becomes a very attractive option. So, I began searching for a job.
First I looked into jobs that were in my
field of study (Biology). Oops, I don't have
a master's degree and minimum six years
experience. OK, only one week's worth of
wasted time job searching.
Then, I looked into jobs in which I have
had practical experience (jobs I've actually
done before). Well, prospects were better,
but I didn't think I'd be able to manage the
six month waiting list, considering my
depleted bank account (I don't think I got
below $3, but I won't tell you about the
dark, heavy thundercloud of my still present Visa balance.) Finally, I had to settle
with a minimum wage job in a warehouse
in the suburbs of Victoria.
So, in late November, I became a working
class, blue collar citizen paying the tax man
a large percentage of my earnings. (That's
another thing you have to remember when
you're no longer a student; the tax man
becomes a lot more greedy.)
Thus, after getting used to the explicit language and behaviour fit for harassment
suits, and a very drunken Christmas party
(that's what we all stick around for; being
paid for eating and drinking as much as
you can possibly squeeze into four hours at
some waterfront resort), I decided that I
needed to find something that paid more
than $8.50/hr. I now work two jobs, and
have student loan payments totaling more
than my car insurance (which is a hell of a
lot cheaper on the island).
But, I have no homework, I don't have to
regurgitate paragraphs out of a very boring textbook that cost more than my hydro
bill, and I get paid to get up early and be
bored every day, rather than paying the
government for the privilege.
If only I had a government job, like I used
to, where they paid me for the privilege of
dressing me in government designers and
sitting in a booth telling people what to do.
But that's another story.
Anyways, life in the real world has it's
pros and cons, but the best part is answering to no one (except your boss) and not
having any assignments. You begin to feel
like your days of having mommy and
daddy tell you where to go and give you
an allowance to get there are over, and you
finally understand what it means to work
for a living. You will all experience it at one
point or another, and you will yearn for the
days when your most unattainable goal
was to be the first to sleep with a frosh.
Believe me, the more years that go by, the
less you think about sleeping with a frosh,
and the more you think about just plain
sleeping. When you find somebody who
values that as much as you do, then the
sleeping with them comes after. Maybe
eventually it will lead to more than sleeping, and that's another good thing. Even if
it never works out, you will never have a
class with them where you might have to
do a group project together and pretend to
get along. You will never have to sleep
with another prof to get good marks, and
you will never have to promise to sleep
with a TA to get good marks. Now you just
sleep with someone for the hell of it.
Grocery shopping is another fun thing to
do in the real world. The cafeteria food,
PieR2, and KD lose their appeal after four
years or so, and you begin to realize how
much real food costs. And you begin to
realize that you must learn how to do more
in the kitchen than burn water. Especially if
you want to impress the person in your
bedroom enough to get them to come back
for a second round.
I guess what I'm getting at is that you stop
worrying about pleasing and paying other
people, and begin to please yourself and
spend money on what you really want
(those fancy condoms you've been eyeing
up for the last few years). It really is the
The Biochemistry, Pharmacology and Physiology Club and the
Undergraduate Chemistry Society proudly presents...
Life Science Undergrad Graduation Cel&bratwn
>At the Pan Pacific Hotel   Si
Governor General Suite
>-May 3rd, 2003
> 6:0ilhpm~l:00Jitfi
Dance floor with special
effects and lighting
Private DJplaying the
Top40t Hip-Hop, and
Buffet Dinner
Prize Giveaway
Memories to last a
Tickets on sale after March 10, Mondays;, Wednesdays, and
Fridays 11 MAM to 1;00PM at the Wood Concourse Page Eight
25 March 2003
Last Chance to Rant This Term
Stephen Naphegyi
The Cynicism is Strong
In this past year at UBC, there have been
many instances in which I have felt
annoyed, curious, and just generally
amused; and, seeing as this is the last issue
for the year, I feel that I am within my
power to force you to listen (or at least pretend that you're listening) to me rant about
them all. Furthermore, I will let you know
now that I am not about to beat the dead
horse that is Martha Piper and her raise
My primary annoyance is the ever-beaten-
horse-that-never-seems-to-die that is Arts
students. How can they be comfortable
with such easy lives?....wait, let me
rephrase that, how can they not be terrified
for their futures when they are getting
such useless degrees? I have friends who
don't even go to their classes (which don't
even start until 2:00), and still get 90's.
They're all getting B.A.'s, a.k.a. the
"Thanks for Coming Out" degree, but
what the hell will they do with it afterwards? Abuse their power while making
third graders squirm under the pressure of
fractions? Make prepubescent boys and
girls ashamed of their lankiness in Gym
class? "Ya gotta have heart to play badminton!!" Yet they remain unconcerned
about their futures, rushing blindly for
wards in the pursuit of the perfect
Shakespeare critique. What do you do with
a philosophy degree anyways? Argue over
translations of Plato so that you can finally
find the perfect tzatziki recipe? Do any jobs
actually require that skill? "We're sorry,
Sophocles never would have approved of
your burger-flipping methods." Lousy
Arts students.. .taking the easy way out. I'll
show them...I'll show them all!!!!
Who are you people that are now making
me pay for a Science Social Space every
year for the next five years? What the hell
is wrong with you people? The thing won't
be built before any of you graduate, and
there are already facilities for all of the
things that this space is supposed to offer,
and more. You want microwaves? Go to
the UCS room, LSK, filmsoc, you don't
need to be members of anything, just by
being there you support them (or so they
think). You want to work out, relax, take a
shower, play sports...have you heard of
the SRC? You don't just write exams there,
it actually stands for STUDENT RECREATION CENTRE!!! Go and recreate!!! You
want to have a place to study and use the
Internet? There are tutorial centres, empty
rooms in buildings at any given time, and
not to mention SEVEN libraries on campus. Are those places too loud? GO
HOME! Do you think that a new building
full of brand new facilities isn't going to be
packed full of keeners just like yourselves?
UBC. If tuition is going up, and you're
having trouble paying people, STOP
WASTING MONEY ON LANDSCAPING!!! We don't need new paths leading up
to the Wesbrook building; there are several
entrances, including wheelchair entrances.
Fixing Fairview, good idea. Planting cherry
trees along Western Parkway, bad idea.
Getting Plant-Ops to fix the walkway
between the Chem buildings, good idea.
Getting Plant-Ops to blow leaves off of the
ground while it's raining, bad idea. See the
pattern? Vancouver doesn't get snow; you
don't need to pour sand and salt all over
the sidewalks in winter. You will only kill
the grass, and spend more of my money
reseeding it next year, so knock it off.
You know those thin film thingies in the
IR room that you put your sample into?
They are about five millimetres thick, and
roughly the diameter of a toonie. Well,
those are apparently made of salt. What I
want to know is: do they taste like salt? The
only salt that I've ever seen has been in the
granular form, like cocaine or sugar (not
that I know what that one looks like...I
don't bake). So, if it doesn't look like salt,
would it still taste like salt? I do realize that
I will never reward my curiosity and actually lick the thin film (I am not that curious
about what my isopropyltoluene sample
tastes like), but if anyone out there has ever
wondered the same thing, and has dared to
find an answer, please let me know.
I know that this has been answered
before, but why the hell does steam just
magically come out of the ground, and
those little metal-mushroom looking
things? Is it some sort of jet-propulsion
system on standby? Can the University
magically lift itself off the ground and
become a floating city, reminiscent of
almost every Nintendo game ever made?
Or is it just some sort of ventilation system
for a community of gremlins living
beneath us, and cooking for the residences? Personally, I think either explanation is good.
I said that I wouldn't talk about Martha's
raise, but I never said that I wouldn't poke
fun of her in general. The thing that I find
funny about her is the way she talks when
she's giving a speech. She enunciates every
word and sounds as if she were receiving
an Oscar. "We...Here...at U...B...C...
Value edu-Cation...Above all else..." Does
she actually speak that way at home?
"Would you.. .Please.. .Pass.. .the
Another amusing thing that I recently discovered is RateMyProfessors.ca, a site in
which, as you may already know, students
post comments, ratings, and sexiness of
their professors. I only want to mention
that I take some comfort in the fact that
other people on the site find Alan Storr just
as Sean Connery-esque as I do. If you
haven't already taken his class, sit in on
one next year to find out what I mean.
Hello Moneypenny.
Well, that's about it for this year of obser-
vations/bitchings, I hope it was as much
fun for you as it was therapeutic for me. If
anyone has any comments or answers for
me, especially about that thin film thing,
you can email me at
snaphegyi@hotmail.com. Enjoy your final
exams, and remember: going to Arts
County Fair doesn't actually lower you to
the level of an Arts student, so let loose.
A Block Bor is a woy to soy you don't cor& onynmoro
Opinion: TA Strike
Andreas Baur
A Little Annoyed
So here I am now watching the TA
strike unfold, being told by the university "TA's are greedy" and being
told by the TA's "The University is greedy"
and both are asking the question "Who do
you support?" For me personally it has
switched back and forth as each side has
bombarded me with more and more propaganda on whom is right. Its not about
who is right, all I know is as a student we
are being held hostage as these two sides
continue to act like little kids around us.
The initial "Its great that I don't have labs"
has faded quickly into "I hope my lab is on
this week" as I have begun to realize what
I am here for. My dad, being the consummate farmer, once told me the wise words
"Shit always rolls downhill" and right
now, we are on the bottom. I pay money
for a service, being taught, and as such I
expect to be compensated with a good education. Sure we may have less work right
now because of labs or classes being cancelled because of the strike but these things
have a nasty way of coming back later and
biting one in the ass. Just ask anyone who
had a strike at their high school.
Let me relate this to something: Let's say
at the dinner table I want some mash potatoes, I ask "Can I please have the mash
potatoes?" And they are handed to me. If
I didn't ask for them they wouldn't have
been given to me. While this example is
rather simplistic, it does illustrate the fact
in order to get anything I had to communicate with another person. Communication
resolved my need for mash potatoes, not
sitting in silence.
Now I know even the TA's and the
University negotiators had parents, so they
must have been taught this is the way to go
about getting something at the dinner
table. Communication: what a nice word.
I thought not talking to someone is something little kids do to get something, not
adults. What has the university and the
TA's done? Not talk. Who is paying for
this? Ifs us the students that are paying for
this, with our money and our futures, not
the university or the TA's.
So I ask the University and TA's to think
mash potatoes, and try talking, because I
know no one is a little kid around here.
Thanks for your submission. I seem to have
lost your contact info, so if you would like to
be on the contact list for next year, email
'I've read too much T.V., sorry."
-Sameer Wahid (2003 Mar. 12)
'You are cordiatfy invited to attend the S1)S
fl.nnuat(generalMeeting, 2003
(Date: Thursday, March 27th, 2003
Time:   1:00-2:00 p.m.
(Place: S1)(B <Rm 206 (Conned Chambers)
(Refreshments wi((6e served.
1 25 March 2003
Page Nine
A Fabulous Surrey Wedding
Michelle Nelson
Still Available
So after many, many years of being
together, my cousin and his girlfriend
finally got married last Saturday. The
wedding, although it officially took up
only one day, managed to consume the
lives of all those involved for a long time
beforehand, and since I was most definitely involved, I thought I'd share some of the
events with you all.
Weeks before hand
My mother, (who was the MC at the wedding) decided that since the bride's extended family was flying in from Japan, and
since none of them spoke a word of
English, it would be cool if she learned
how to welcome them in Japanese. This
meant that for about a month before the
wedding whenever you entered a room
that my mom was in you were greeted
with a string of carefully memorized
Japanese. This could be slightly disconcerting, especially for non-family members
who had no clue why their normal greeting of hello was being responded to with a
seemingly endless torrent of Japanese, followed by a curse if she'd forgotten part of
Week before
Mum decided that she would redecorate
the guest room that my aunt and uncle
would be staying in. This meant that our
family room became a temporary furni-
ture-refinishing studio, and that our house
smelt strongly of paint and stain fumes
throughout. For some reason the whole
family was especially giggly that week.
Mum finished off the redecoration with a
new bed that my dad put together; this will
be of some importance later on.
Weekend before
Clean, clean, clean, clean. Head out to buy
dress. Realize nearly all dresses in stores
currently are made for busty sluts. I am not
a busty slut. Eventually find dress that isn't
cut to navel and/or slit to crotch, purchase
Thursday before
I was lucky enough to have the day off
due to the strike, and was looking forward
to a day of TLC before my aunt and uncle
showed up in the early afternoon, this was
not to be. About 8:45 the power went out,
and it didn't come back on until 1:45.
Seeing as our freezer was currently full of
ice sculptures for the wedding, this caused
my mom and I to panic a wee bit, and
resulted in my one of my best friends being
accosted for daring to open the freezer and
attempt to put his frozen lasagna in it. He
wont be trying that again any time soon.
We headed over to my cousin's place
around 7 that evening for the rehearsal
dinner. This wasn't so much a rehearsal
dinner as chance for my family to meet the
bride's family and hang out for a while.
My favorite part of the night was when the
bride got too drunk to translate, and proceeded to explain after everything her
equally toasted grandfather said "I'm really too drunk to translate, but he doesn't
know any English, so as long as I talk, and
you guys nod a bit, he wont know the difference."
After we got home I crashed right away,
thus missing the fun of the rest of the night.
Apparently my dad didn't put together the
new bed quite right, and when my poor
uncle got into it, it collapsed to the ground.
Not wanting to bug my parents, he and his
wife did their best put it back together
again with a coat hanger. Apparently this
didn't fix the problem, as the bed promptly collapsed again upon being sat on.
Meanwhile my dad is searching the house
for burglars with his Louisville Slugger.
Eventually my aunt came out of the guest
room and asked for a screwdriver, my dad
fixed the bed, and all was well.
The big day
The sun was shining, the birds were
singing, and the groom's stag had gone off
without a hitch, it was time for the wedding.
Normally, as the priest pointed out, the
bride is the star of her own wedding; in
this case though, the star was really the
brides nearly two-year-old nephew. It was
decided that letting him roam freely
through the church during the ceremony
would be less disruptive than trying to
contain him, and although this was true as
far as the noise level went, he managed to
cause some pretty major disturbances. My
favorite of his many escapades was when
he decided during the exchanging of the
vows that the bride and groom were getting too much attention, so he remedied
the situation by sitting himself down
between them and posing for the cameras,
this only ended when the bride hissed at
her brother to get him and he was carried
out of the church. This as well as his decision at an inopportune moment that it was
time to carry out his ring bearer duties led
to those of us watching having a very hard
time keeping the laughter silent.
The photos took place in bear Creek park,
very far into Bear Creek park. Ever tried to
hike a kilometer in stilettos? Wouldn't recommend it.
The reception was a riot, 170 of Chris and
Sayaka's nearest and dearest partying it up
until 1 in the morning, and my best friend
and me took bar tending duty. Bartending
at an open bar is an interesting experience;
you see a few of the guests a lot of times. I
found the old guy who insisted on teaching me how to pour beer all ten times he
was up there pretty funny, especially with
the later beers, when a lot of them ended
up on the floor or him rather than in the
cup. Also enjoyed the 30 year old caterer
that kept hitting on my friend and I, the
kicker of it was when he asked his mother,
who he apparently worked for, if she was
heading straight home, and should he wait
up for her. My family as always cracked
me up, my cousin decided that the appropriate song to ask his little cousin, (namely
me) to dance to was Unchained Melody.
His twin and I decided that this might be
caused by his prolonged exposure to the
Texas culture while he went to school
there, we hope it will wear off. Also
enjoyed watching the 5'10+ cougar dancing
up a storm with my cousin's 4'11 tenant
Ricky, how is it that you seem to get a
cougar at every wedding you attend?
They're never invited, but they're always
there. Anyway, this is going on forever,
needless to say, great time, and it will continue again this Monday at the present
opening, there was a whole lot of liquor
left, and someone's got to drink it.
Enough Block Bors? Well... One More.
The New Demi-G*
Publications Eclipsii
ess of
the Old
-photo shamelessly stolen from
RBF 2002 campaign materials
1 %•«%£..
Undergraduate Chemistry Society
.: ^
***** i    ,    ■'*."*/
The History and Science of Money:
Real and Counterfeit
Dr. Ariel Fenster, McGill University
A most fascinating topic, covering the history of money from the early coins, introduced by Croesus
nearly 3,000 years ago to the new bills, supposedly counterfeit-proof, being developed around the world.
This is the story of the never ending battle between the central banks, which must protect the integrity of
their national currency, and the ever more sophisticated forgers who have at their disposal the latest
advances in printing technology. Following this lecture you will look at the money in your wallet with
the eyes of an expert.
Thursday March 27 12:30-1:30pm
Woodward IRC #2
Full house last year!        Don't miss this extraordinary
presentation! Page Ten
25 March 2003
Sof I Took Over the World Today
Jeremy Moses
World Conqueror
Hi, my name is... I'd better not tell
you. Every morning I wake up at
5:00am and I take over the world -
twice. Then I give it back, see? I'll bet you
don't believe me. Well, I'm going to show
you, step by step how to take over the
world using small, commonly available
household objects. Just this morning, I
rolled out of bed, and seeing as it was early,
I grabbed the first two things I found on
my desk - a brush and a thumbtack.
"Sounds like a challenge," I said, and started charging my brush with static electricity. I had to brush my hair anyway. Both of
these things would prove to be useful later.
Though it took a little bit of trying, I managed to create a basic capacitor out of the
"push" part of my thumb tack, and using
the pointy part of the tack, I hollowed out
part of the brush and installed the capacitor on the end of the brush's handle. When
this little get-up is brandished properly, it
looks an awful lot like a weapon, and even
better, when ifs charged properly, it acts a
lot like a weapon. I got dressed in my
shiniest outfit, and headed out into the
street. Now first a bit of a note about people: People are stupid, alright? Anyone
got a problem with that? People will
believe what you tell them unless they
have a status quo to compare to, or a long
enough window of time to consider what it
was you just told them. In this case, the
guy I ran into really did believe that I was
a member of the new ruling class of aliens
come to take over his planet, that my
weapon really was set on "mild shock" and
that I did have advanced technology that
would allow me to translate my words into
English in real time. His mission, should
he have chosen to accept it, was to infiltrate
our local CFB Esquimalt to free my captured brethren. And so he did - of course
the real mission was to cause a diversion
for me long enough to access navy computers. A bit of hacking here and there,
and I walk out off the base a new "Rear
Admiral". (Great title, eh?) My new friend
obviously had to surrender all of his
worldly possessions to join the new world
order, so I hit the airport with $634, and a
some impressive looking papers. CFB
Ottawa was much more interesting. It
appears Canada does indeed own several
nuclear weapons. We don't keep them
here of course, we'd never keep such dangerous things here - they're probably illegal or something. We keep them in various
places around the US. Now I'd imagine the
reasoning as to why we keep our nukes in
the same storage facilities as the US goes
along the lines of this: "we'don't want to
build new storage facilities for you, so
you'll keep your missiles with ours". Fair
enough, but also very convenient. Three
phone calls later, and the US is reconsidering our status as an ally, and measuring
carefully just how many of it's own nukes
it wants to keep. Launch codes are wonderful things, aren't they? I think you can
guess what happens from here. The US
surrenders etc... Now I'll bet they're reconsidering their policy of, "no one in the
world but can keep nukes but us".
So then I give the world back. What fun!
So I scan the ground around me. I find a
coffee cup lid and a bottle cap. Tricky...
I'm in Ottawa anyway, so I head to the
mint. It's interesting to note that the Royal
Canadian Mint prints currency for many
countries. I pay my two dollars for the
grand tour. Slipping away from a tour is
pretty easy - you should try it some time. I
found some coveralls in a locker, and I'd
brushed my hair that morning - apparently that's all they're looking for in mint
employees. I was scanned for metal as I
reported for work that morning, so they
know I'm carrying a small piece of metal in
my pocket. The coffee cup lid goes into a
machine as I walk by. Lo and behold, most
of the support staff becomes busy with
machine maintenance. Well I'm a good little grunt, so I head to the loading bay with
made up orders to load a truck. It takes a
while, but me and my fellow coverall-
wearing labourers fill a truck to the brink
with various foreign bills and coins. On
my coffee break, I toss out the bottle cap,
and walk out of the mint carrying a key - a
key that weighs as much as a bottle cap - a
key to the ignition of a standard Royal
Canadian Mint truck. The foreign currency exchange is surprised, but I offer them
twice their normal commission if they ask
no questions. But a new problem looms.
What to buy? You might be thinking,
"weapons! Guns - lots of guns!", but no.
Instead I buy a cell phone and head to the
CBC. I rent a studio, and while I'm waiting
for the camera-people to set up, I locate
and buy up as much telecommunication
equipment as I can find. Television towers,
satellites, radio transmitters! As long as it's
operational, I buy it. I bet on the fact that
the only thing that's keeping people from
broadcasting on the wrong frequency in
the States is FCC regulation. I bet correct
ly, and from my studio in Ottawa, I broadcast my message on every CNN channel I
can wrest from their control. After all, who
isn't watching CNN? (Right minded people? Right.) They broadcast almost everywhere. Now I have to make this good.
"People of Earth - Friends. Brothers... I
come to you today with sad news. In an
attempt to control all of the world's oil supply, the US is not planning to stop at Iraq.
Once it is finished there, it will invade all
other oil producing countries in turn!",
and before I was booted off the air I added,
"Start stockpiling now!" It was enough.
Within the hour, oil prices had reached
$300 per barrel, but that wasn't the objective. I'd managed to procure some trans-
Atlantic phone lines, and I watched the
lines fill up with overseas calls. Can't have
that now, can we? The lines were shut off,
as was every other piece of broadcast
equipment I'd managed to buy. It didn't
take long before almost every government
was in a maniacal fervor trying to find out
what happened. Well, taking over the
world given world-wide confusion is pretty easy, so I'll leave that as an exercise to
the reader. You know the drill -1 give the
world back, and get home, watch, "Pinky
and the Brain", and head to class. You
might be wondering why I wrote this article giving away trade secrets. Actually I
was hoping for some competition. Lately
this has been getting too easy. We need
more evil masterminds out there every
morning trying to take over the world for a
bit of a challenge. Hopefully you've got
some ideas now - I'll see you out there
tomorrow, when I'll try to take over the
world using only a grain of sand, and my
trained pet worm, Slimy.
Tales of a Room Manager
Sameer Wahid
What the Hell?
Back in September 98,1 walked into a
grungy room in the basement of the
Chemistry building. Lots of noise
was coming from the room, and it seemed
a much more interesting alternative to the
Math class that I had going on in B150 at
the time. Being one who doesn't attend
class very often (I've averaged a 30% attendance rate here at UBC) it didn't require
much convincing to get me to forgo the
math class to check out the noise. At the
time, little did I know that I would be the
room manager of this little bastion of
insanity for three years, and see it move
from Chem to Hennings to Klinck, all the
while being my home away from home.
For those of you who have been around as
long as I have (and that is far too few of
you), you'll remember the grand old SUS
office in Chem B160. Back then, all of SUS
was in one big room - the 432 publishing
area, lounge, quiet space, crappy photocopier - all of it was in B160, along with the
best couches on campus. Those couches
had the gravity of a black hole - once you
sat down, you seemed to want to lie down,
and then you never wanted to leave. SUS
also had the only beer machine on campus,
made together by the marriage of our Coke
machine to the guts of a Commodore VIC-
20. The theory was simple - buy an
account and use the keypad to dispense a
beer. In practice, the 432 staff drank the
beer long before anyone else got to it.
(Attempts to store beer in the standard
fridge were futile - the beer wouldn't last
for five minutes. Furthermore, after the
room manager broke said fridge and
exposed SUS to toxic CFC's...). The room
was a perpetual mess and had a table made
completely out of Xerox boxes, but it had
an incredible grip on SUS hacks - we never
seemed to go to class! While this has
resulted in a number of Dean's Vacations to
many a hack, the power of the office was
short-lived, as the office was soon to be
relocated to the Hennings building.
While the relocation was said to have happened due to the need -for lab space in the
Chem Department, we all knew the real
reason was because we were a bunch of
shit disturbers, and Chemistry felt it was
time to pass us off to some other poor
department. However, no space large
enough to house SUS was available anywhere in Science, so we were crammed
into a small room in the basement of
Hennings. Wait, small is the wrong word.
It was more like one of those contests to
cram as many people as possible into a
Volkswagen Beetle - except the
Volkswagen was Hennings 102, and the
people included the four SUS couches,
computers, copier, Coke machine, etc. The
main office was a room about the size of a
Vanier floor lounge, and contained a huge,
noisy A/C unit which we couldn't turn off -
I found this out when IT Services came
screaming that they're precious internet
hub had overheated. If you lost your campus internet connection for a couple of
days back in October 2000, that was my
bad. The room also had one other unique
feature - a 4 foot by 4 foot sheet of plywood covered a large hole in the floor,
which contained green liquid which had
the stink of a very old fish tank. At best,
we theorize that the Biology Dept. housed
experiments there - it's more likely that the
astronomers in the Hennings building had
secretly hoarded alien organisms for
After one year in purgatory the Hennings
office, SUS was moved to its current location in Klinck. The new location underwent some serious renovation during our
first months here, including the removal of
an even bigger A/C unit (what is it with
those damn things?), and installation of a
new fridge to replace the old one. In the
end, all of our furniture was replaced, and
so the office looks pretty "new". While this
office doesn't have the coziness of the
Chem lounge, it's far more functional. I
won't bore you with any details about the
current office - come have a look for yourself in Klinck 202. This new office does
have a few secrets of its own - but I'll keep
those to myself for now. To find them out
you're just going to have to spend some
time here.
If you thought that the office has moved
around too much, over the past few years,
you're right. There's one more move in
store - to the new Science Social Space in
about a year and a half. The lounge won't
have any green water pits or gigantic A/C
units, and should finally be big enough to
call home. I just hope that they can sucker
more than one poor soul into the lovely
task of being the housekeeper. 25 March 2003
Page Eleven
The Drawers of SUS
Reka Sztopa
rsztopa@interchange. ubc. ca
ear Science Students,
Graduation is just around the corner and
my five years at UBC are almost over.
I would like to tell you that it has been an
honour and a privilege serving as your
Science Undergraduate Society president
for the last two years, and as your vice-
president before that.
I am very proud of what we have accomplished as a community. Science students
are by far the most involved students on
campus and our energy and enthusiasm
has helped to shape the UBC community
into what it is today.
The next few years are going to be a very
exciting time for Science students. The
Science Social Space will help the Science
community to grow and thrive, and will
bring with it a new sense of spirit and
enthusiasm. I encourage you to take
advantage of this exciting time by getting
informed and becoming involved.
I will always look back on my five years at
UBC with fond memories of the people
that I have met and the things that I have
Thank you for being a part of my life at
And never forget - Tuum Est - it's up to
Best wishes,
Reka Sztopa
"Only those who will risk going too far
can possibly find out how far they can go."
-T.S. Eliot
"Never doubt that a small group of individuals can change the world. In fact, it is
the only thing that has."
- Margaret Mead
Sameer Wahid
Public Relations
wahid@interchange. ubc. ca
ellow scientists -1 present to you my
final Exec report.
My reign of terror over the SUS office has
come to a brutal end. I have been forcibly
removed by Operation Graduation
Freedom, and the new installed SUS executive strongly encourages you to come to
the liberated office.
In all seriousness, my five years in SUS are
over - and since both I and the current
room manager are graduating, SUS will be
appointing two new Room Managers this
Thursday, at lpm in SUB 206. The position
basically entails running the office, helping
to keep it tidy, etc. The bonuses include
keys to the office, having fun shopping at
Staples, getting to use that desk at the
Bookstore in the stationary section that
never has a lineup, worldwide fame, and
the knowledge that you are making a difference (I'll cut the cheeseball crap before I
get carried away...). If you're interested, e-
mail me at wahid@interchange.ubc.ca!
While the campus job action has caused
much concern among graduating students,
I am happy to report that it appears that
everything will be on time. I've posted the
graduation dates below, but first I'd like to
touch on the Grad Class Council.
The Grad Class Council BBQ, Beer Garden
and AGM happened a while back, and a
great time was had by all. Below are the
gifts that the campus-wide graduating
class is leaving to UBC:
Science Social Space: $9,500
Digitization of the Ubyssey, and other
newspapers: $11,500
Inter-Faculty Publication Office: $15,500
Any remaining funds will be used to purchase picnic tables to go near the Meekison
Arts Social Space.
Other upcoming graduation events are
the Tree-Planting Ceremony, and of course
the May Convocation! For more information, check out www.ams.ubc.ca/gcc
Graduation Dates:
Thursday, May 22 - 1:30pm
Science [Biochemistry, Biotechnology,
Integrated Sciences Microbiology &
Immunology, Pharmacology (B.Sc. only),
Physiology, Psychology,]
Thursday, May 22 - 4:00pm
Science (Astronomy, Atmospheric Science,
Biophysics, Chemistry, Climatology, Earth
and Ocean Sciences, Environmental
Sciences, Geology, Geological Sciences,
Geophysics, Hydrology and Soil,
Oceanography, Physical Geography,
Physics; General Science with concentrations in any of the above)
Friday, May 23,2003 - 8:30am
Science [Biology (Options: Animal,
Conservation, Ecology, Marine, Plant)
Botany, Freshwater Science, Mathematics,
Mathematical Sciences, Nutritional
Sciences, Statistics, Zoology (M.Sc./Ph.D.),
General Science (Life Science or concentrations in any of the above)]
Friday, May 23,2003 - 11:00am
Science (Biology Options: Cell Biology,
Cell and Genetics Biology, Genetics,
General Biology)
Friday, May 23, 2003 - 1:30pm
Science (Computer Science, General
Science with Computer Science
Chris Zappavigna
cjzappav@interchange. ubc. ca
enate was last night, topics important
to science students:
1) Federal gov't has allocated $500 million
for hospital research, $75 million for
Genome Canada- President Piper is trying
to obtain some of these funds UBC. That
is, this means great opportunities in the life
science graduate programs)
2) The academic standing of every UBC
student will now be evaluated 3 times per
year- after each winter term and the sum
mer term. Student will fall into one of
three categories: 1) good standing, 2) academic probation (improve or else) or 3)
failed. Note that a student cannot be asked
to leave the university until the end of an
academic year. Rationale for change: UBC
students can now gauge their progress as
the year happens, and not only at the end
of the year.
3) Enrollment figures: Once again UBC
admitted many more students than funded
for. This is done in an effort to keep
entrance GPAs at a reasonable level: Arts
80ish%, Science 87%. (these values are for
final acceptance, NOT early acceptance)
4) Student Senator retreat went well.
Most of the outgoing and incoming senators were present, and the upcoming year
looks promising.
Anna-Marie Bueno
Social Coordinator
Well folks, it looks like this will be
my last report for the 432 this
school year. My year-end report
will be presented at the annual general
meeting which will be held this Thursday,
March 27th, 1-2 pm in the SUB council
chambers. I encourage all Science students
to come out and hear what SUS has been
up to this past year, as well as, meet the
new incoming SUS executive. (Oh and did
I mention that refreshments will be
As I've mentioned in the previous issue, I
will be around for another year as your
Social Coordinator, so I'd really love to
hear what sorts of events Science students
would like to see next year. In browsing
through REALLY OLD archives of the 432
(which happen to be just sitting around in
the office), I came across advertisements
for some of the events that SUS used to
organize like lip sync (i.e. air band) contests, dances (I guess the Pit wasn't around
then?) and some other...interesting things.
I'm not necessarily suggesting that we resurrect these events; I'm just giving you
some insight as to what kinds of events
SUS used to hold back in the day when we
were just born. But anyway, as I've said
before, email me at ai_vi@msn.com with
your suggestions. This is YOUR Science
Undergraduate Society, and I'm here to
make what YOU want happen!
Okay, with all that out of the way, I'd just
like to throw some final thoughts and comments out to the SUS world:
1. Thank you to everyone who came out to
the SUS events this year and of course
thank you to those who made them possible (i.e. everyone).
2. A BIG THANK YOU and farewell to our
dearest graduating SUS president, Reka
Sztopa. You've made such great contributions to SUS, so thank you! We will miss
you very, very much!
3. Okay, I guess I should also thank
Sameer. Now that you're graduating, who
will be there to pick up the slack? Just kidding. On a serious note, your dedication to
SUS is amazing, so thank you! And chill
4. BEN! Thank you for all your hard work
on the 432 and for getting my reports in
even after the submission deadline!
5. To all of the outgoing executives and
councillors, thank you for a great year.
We've made great leaps in such a short
amount of time.
6. Congratulations to all graduating students. I wish you the best of luck in the
future. Forget not your UBC roots and of
course, your dearest SUS.
7. All Science students, we've got a few
more classes to go. Study hard! And good
luck on your finals!
Okay, so there it is. Peace out y'all.
The Referendum Passed!
Now What?
Dan Yokom
SUS President Elect
After years of preparation, weeks of
classroom announcements, way too
many broadcast emails, and handing out over 4000 lollipops and 1500 fortune cookies, the social space referendum
has passed!! Thank you so much to everyone that went out and voted to have your
voice heard.   It was certainly amazing to
see the number of students that showed
that they not only want more Science social
space but also want their input incorporated into the final product.
So, what's going to happen now, you ask?
Well I was hoping you tell us; No seriously. Over the next couple of weeks we will
be going to you for suggestions for the
exact facilities that you want and need in
our social space. This will come in several
forms including surveys, and emails, so
please keep an eye out. Thanks again for
all your support, and for making Science
the best faculty at UBC (which will also
soon have the best social space too!!)
What Now?
Reka Sztopa
Departing SUS President
And    the    fun    begins
Congratulations on voting in the
new Science Social Space!
This is a very exciting time to be a science
student. In the next few months and years,
there will be many opportunities for you to
be involved in creating the new home for
Science students on campus, so I hope that
you stay informed and get involved.
In the next few months, the Science Social
Space steering committee will be working
together with the UBC community to
finalise the plans for the building. We will
continue to update the website -
www.sus.ubc.ca - with information. We
will also be sending a few more emails and
keeping you informed via the 432.
But now it is your turn to get involved ...
You will be receiving a survey shortly that
will ask you for your input into the design
and plans for the new Science Social Space.
This is your building, and we want to
know what kind of facilities you want your
new building to have. This is your chance
to create a space for Science students that
will be enjoyed for generations to come.
We are also looking for a member-at-large
for the Science Social Space steering committee. We are looking for someone who
hasn't sat on SUS council as either a voting
member or an ex-officio for at least two
years. This is your opportunity to get
directly involved in the planning of the
Science Social Space. If you are interested
or want more information, email
Finally, stay tuned for an announcement
about an exciting kinetic art contest to take
place very soon.
This is an exciting time for Science students. Congratulations on choosing to
build your future and leave a legacy. We
will finally have a central location on campus from which we can continue to build a
strong and spirited Science community.
If you have any questions, comments,
ideas or suggestions, contact us at
sus@interchange.ubc.ca. Page Twelve
25 March 2003
Warning: Old Farts Reminiscing
I's Gettin' da F*@# Out       ~
Ben Warrington
A Little Over-Cooked
Well, I guess that the end is nigh.
This will be the last time I edit
the 432, although I may write
some next year if I have the time and inclination. The good news is that I will be leaving the paper in the hands of Lana and
Dan. I am reasonably confident that they
will continue to produce a good paper. If
even half the people who have expressed
interest in getting involved do get
involved, then the paper may even undergo a renaissance to use an unnecessarily
large word. Also, it sounds like the Inter-
Faculty Publications Office (IFPO) will go
ahead, so there should be more resources
available for this and other publications. If
you are overly keen to learn more about
the IFPO, contact Lana and Dan in a week
or two at the432@hotmail.com. Did I mention that I'm done and that I don't care anymore?
I told myself that I wasn't going to write a
"so sad to be leaving" kind of article, and
frankly, I'm happy to be finally getting the
"F" out of this place. I'm more than a little
bit burnt-out, and the university hasn't
done much to endear itself to me lately.
This all leaves me a bit lost as to just what
I should write. I suppose that I could
ignore my disdain for the university
administration and focus on the positive. I
used to joke that they didn't give a damn
about undergrads or even masters students. I am somewhat saddened to learn
that I may have been right. Thankfully,
there are people who care. Plenty of faculty are overly helpful for no apparent reason other than being nice people.
So, what else is positive? We'll there is
something to be said for the experience of
thinking that Vanier was the worst possible
accommodations in which a person could
live, and then being proven wrong. Of
course, this isn't exactly a positive experience ... it is just an experience that no one
should have to endure. There is also a lot
to be said, however, for cooking your own
food rather than paying $24 per hour for
what should be minimum wage labour in
the cafeteria. Hell, trie way that food tasted, it didn't deserve minimum wage. The
theory of at-cost food is blown somewhat
when over half of your money goes to
A bit of a segue, here, and no, I do not
mean an overpriced children's scooter.
Also in first year, I wound up naked in
two different women's beds, one of whom
was 24.1 was too naive, however, to realize
that they were expecting casual sex, so I
didn't properly take advantage of the situ
ation. My current fiancee, however, who
wound up naked and considerably less
drunk in my bed later that same year, is
happy that I didn't properly take advantage of the previous situations, so I guess
that I can take something away from those
I have now initiated a burping contest
betwixt two of the "old-timers." You really
should join Lana for Pub nights next year.
There is something to be said for alcohol
and sugar induced craziness.
Anyway, back to the program . . . where
was I? I guess that it was second year that I
ran for Geophysics and Astronomy
Representative purely because I wanted to
go on the SUS retreat. It rocked, and it hasn't been quite as good since. Anyway, that
is how I got involved in this rotten SUS
business. I was too dumb to extricate
myself before I wound up publishing this
paper two years later, but I'm getting
ahead of myself.
Sometime in second or third year, I went
on one of my few campus tours. That,
unfortunately, seems to be a dying tradition along with most of the other worth-
wile pursuits on this campus. People
seemed to be too engrossed in education
these days. What's wrong with you people?
Anyway, I would like to say that the view
from the roof of Buchanan Tower is quite
impressive, and that there is nothing like
crawling through the rafters of Woodward.
Dear God, why is it so hard to find fresh
liquor at 3:30 on a Monday morning?
The only thing sadder than me still being
here working on the paper is the fact that
Dan is here doing homework.
So, we are at about 4th year, huh? It was
about this time that I became Director of
Publications. Accordingly, being away
working in Calgary, I shunned my duties
for six months or so, leaving the work to
Dan and Lana. The same duo that is likely
to come back next year to produce this
paper and all of SUS's other wonderful
Then came fifth year. After a summer in
Saskatoon of all places, I came back and
discovered that the previous few years had
been a bit of a joke. Suddenly, school got
hard just when I was getting sick of caring
about it. It sure didn't help much that I had
to start worrying about that goddamned
place colloquially known as the real world.
This whole business seriously sucked the
fun out of university, and turned me and
Miyako, la fiancee, into something of recluses.
Anyway, that brings you about to the
present . . . my final issue of this paper. I
hope you've liked it. Now I'm getting the
hell out of here.
Veni Vidi . . . Whatever
Sameer Wahid
Old Fart
The primary focus of a university has
always had been higher, but it's the
escapades that happen outside of the
classroom that we remember - and it's a
few of those that I'd like to reminisce about
(you were warned this page would be
about that...)
All of First Year,
Living in the SUS Lounge
Wow -1 never thought that I'd find such a
diverse crowd of people in my first month
here, and I'm glad to say that I still keep in
touch with many of them today. If you
haven't found a place to unwind on campus, stop by the lounge. Nuff said.
Cold Fusion 2000
Some of you may remember when
Nickelback (or is it Nickleback... Mandy?)
and Templar came to Cold Fusion during
Science Week. Some may say that this was
the first stop on Nickelback's rise to glory,
but I wouldn't remember a damned thing
about the whole show. Let's just say that if
you're really angry and had a bad day,
drinking 9 cider and not having any food is
best way to calm down - after passing out
in the SUB washroom I was quite calm.
Templar went around with a camcorder
after their set, so if you want proof of the
anger-calming effect, just ask 'em.
For those of you who are unaware of the
ritual of the Engineering Tanking, it simply
involves four engineers, you, and a pond of
very cold water just outside the Cheeze.
Back in fall of 2001, there was a prize of a
keg to the first Engineering Club that could
tank the entire SUS exec and the room
manager (which was me at the time). Now
the exec, fearing that this would result in
multiple tankings by many clubs, decided
to side with a specific club (EngPhys) and
one sunny day, they lined up outside the
Cheeze to be tanked. Meanwhile, I would
have none of this treachery, this deceit, this
cowardice. I refused to show, instead
telling the engineers that (well, I shouldn't
print what I told them - you get the point).
However, the SUS Executive, fearing
reprisal tankings, decided to expedite my
tanking, and assisted the engineers in tanking me. Traitors! At any rate, it was all
good fun, but damn, that water is cold!
This Past Year
This year has been a lot more productive
than previous years, in that I actaully got
some work done and should graduate in a
few weeks. Also, I actually sat on the
aforementioned executive, and while some
would say that I let the power get to my
head, let me allay your fears and inform
you that the power did indeed get to my
head. However, I've had an awesome time
working with so many different people on
a number of projects around here, and I
urge you to make the time to come on out
and get involved.
Again, more reminiscing here, but I'd like
to just say thanks to everyone who I got the
pleasure of working with, to those that I
argued with, and espically to those people
who still put up with me after first meeting
them in SUS back in Sept. of 98. It's been a
Whitespace, and I have nothing to say.
Know Your Reka


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