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The 432 Mar 14, 2001

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14 March 2001
^> 'w *s jwss»»:
"A Chicken McNugget doesn't die any easier than a baby fur seal/
Ted Nugent
Something Bad Happened
Really Far Away
Far, Far Away... (AP)
In another of a series of been-there-done-
that earthshattering announcements, the
United Nations, an organization formed to
look after people and places not visible
from North America, held an emotional
press conference today to announce some
kind of tragedy in a far off land.
"This horrible catastophe has scarred us
all," Mr. Frahid Juzib, Secretary of some
important part of the United Nations,
started off at the barely attended press conference, "We at the United Nations can
have no reservations about doing whatever
we can do and helping however we can to
help those struck by this terrible, terrible
The small and disadvantaged place, where
this incident undoubtedly happened in,
was probably one of the most desolate
places where these things seem to happen a
lot. It is probably in even worse trouble
after several other equally horrible, yet
uninteresting tragic disasters over the past
little while.
"But don't count these people out," Juzib
continued, "The simple people of this
country where all the bad stuff happened
are tenacious in the face of adversity and
Tragic Incident Effects Lots
have come back after all those other bad
things happened to them before, and I'm
sure they'll be able to again prevail against
the odds."
Mr. Juzib speaks mainly of that terrible
thing that happened in that country sometime last year, when a lot of people lost a lot
of stuff because something else bad happened to them. This previous shocking
incident garnered attention from major
media sources, and climbed as high as page
A8 in the Vancouver Sun, sharing space
with an article about Cathay Pacific's wonderful new inflight email service.
"We will do everything in our power to
help those in need," Mr. Juzib added just
before he left the podium and headed for.
his waiting limousine.
And what will Canada's role be in the
international amelioration effort for the
struck place? Canada's Armed Forces Staff
Seargent Harold Lebansky will head a
peacekeeping group that Canada has
promised will take an integral part in the
relief effort.
"We have training and expertise in aspects
of peacekeeping that they do not. It is our
duty to go over there and use those skills to
help them out of their trouble," Sgt. Leban-
by   Jack    McLaren    and    Pat    Spacek
v:-.o s Hand o1 ver
ydr wol' ft.     ,
as1 hoi ! y
of People We Don't Know
sky told reporters as he left the big, important military building in Ottawa today.
A recent poll shows that public support for
the aid mission is flagging recently.
In a telephone survey recently conducted
by the 432, only 14% of people supporting
'sending some of us over there to make it
all better' versus 23% opposing the mission. 43% didn't know what we were talking about, 18% replied 'yeah, I guess, wait,
no, or...I don't know...maybe? What do you
think I should say?' and 2% thought our
pollster sounded strikingly like Burt
The relief effort will doubtless be hindered
by the locale's unstable political climate,
with the miscelaneous warring religions,
racial and/or political factions that run the
predominantly rural countryside. The difficulty of the terrain is also likely to slow the
rescue efforts considerably, and many of
the most isolated people living where it just
generally sucks to live may not see aid for
"This is truly a dire situation," Randy
Hodge, the Public Relations Director for
The Human Fund, a leading orginization
dedicated to helping people, "these people
are in trouble and we have to help them.
The government is dragging their heels,
and every moment counts in this situation
over there. Some people are dying as we do
nothing to help them"
Any interested in helping those that have
been struck may contact the Human fund.
This place has existed since sometime ago,
when it was granted sovereignty from
another, larger place. Since it's birth, it has
been plagued by sorts political, economic
and environmental calamity. It has
appealed for aid from the U.N. many times
before, but has never needed it more badly
after this thing happened to them.
In other, more appealing news, Britney
Spears performed her chart-topping number for the hottest new teen romance movie
at the Academy Awards while sporting hair
coloured dark red.
"My God, she looks so completely different," said Julia Stiles, teen heart-thob and
star of the recent hit movie 'Save the Last
Dance', "I really applaud her for taking
such a bold step to break the mold and
make a real statement for us all."
All this reporter can say is: "WOW!"
For more information on this breaking
story, and for further Oscar coverage, see
'Britney a Carrot Top?', P.14
US Imposes Sanctions
Broke, homeless, and Hooked on Phonics1™
eight-year old Christine turns to a life of crime.
In a move that surprised few, US "President" George Bush announced that
America will be imposing economic
sanctions on both British Columbia and
Canada in general. Reasons given for the
BC-specific sanctions included "Those
damn UBC engineers messing with our
morning commute by suspending the shell
of a VW bug from our bridge!" Apparently,
this harmless prank was a crippling blow to
the American's sensitivity about their collective low IQs. When asked whether
Americans understood either why or how
the bug was suspended in the first place, a
defiant head of American Scientific
Research, Dr. Klawe, snarled, "We're working on it...watch out, UBC geers! Soon we
shall know your secrets of physics and all
that other mumbo-jumbo that we don't
teach in our country because it's blasphemous! Except for nuclear stuff. After all, we
still don't understand it, so it doesn't
Further reasons for the economic sanctions included BC's supply of homegrown
BC bud, which addicts all Americans lucky
enough to take a test toke. Frantic pot aficionados across the US have resorted to
trading cocaine for BC pot pound-for-
pound, a deal which obviously works com
pletely in BC drug dealers' favour. Proclaimed Bush, "In the interests of hardworking American drug dealers, we must
cultivate mary-wanna that is superior to
BC's. I hope that all American drug dealers
will help their country by immediately
stopping drug trading with Canadians!"
Finally, Bush defended economic sanctions that would restrict Canada-wide
imports and exports. "Engineers and mary-
wanna aside, Canada is turning out an
alarming number of communists, who
threaten the American way of life by promoting social welfare and national health
care and activities that could cut into the
profits of rich white men. Oops, I meant
Americans. Damn. I'm always mixing
words up!" He concluded that "We will
impose the same sanctions as we imposed
on those Cubans. Canada, Cuba - they
sound the same! How"m I supposed to tell
'em apart? I mean, their countries are next
to each other anyway, except that Cubans
are fighting to separate from the rest of
Canada or something... darn commies.."
The "President" was quickly silenced by
his advisors and shoved into a limo, to go
and deal with issues with which he was
more familiar, such as blaming welfare
mothers for social problems. Page Two
14 March 2001
Volume Fourteen
issue eleven
14 March 2001
High Score
Jay Garcia
Game Over
Andy Martin
Please Try Again
Chris Weston
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Space Invaders
Bree Baxter
Tim Chan
Jag Dost
Jay Garcia
Keri Gammon
Jo Krack
Kelly Mann
Andy Martin
Kiri Nichol
Kat Scotton
Reka Sztopa
Ben Warrington
Sherry Yang
Web Sites
Legal Information
The 432 is written in front of a live
studio audience.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
The 432 fully supports the democratic process, just so long as money
is being made off it.
Visit YOUR 432 editors at a poll
booth near you. Mention this ad
and get two votes for the price of
Vote early! Vote often!
The editorial staff of the 432 would
like to thank Science Executive Elections for filling lots of space and
making us laugh a lot. Partially at
the farce of democracy, partially at
the bogus election promises, and
partially at the ugly pictures on the
The Maltese Squirre
Kiri Nichol
To Infinity and Below!
pm Lehrer is seated at his desk in
the office of the UBC RCMP detachment looking pensively out the win-
Outside seagulls frolic in the blue spring
sky, turning and turning in a widening
Lehrer sighs and turns back to the stack
of profiles and reports on
his desk - a day's work for a     •
criminal investigator. •
Crime on campus is getting
out of hand. Just the other        <• -
week, an aquaintance of
mine was walking near the
SUB when she was accosted
by a pack of gulls. The creatures threatened her with
snapping beaks and beating
wings and then stole the
tasty piece of pizza she was
carrying. And a few short
days I was enjoying a
peaceful stroll near Koerner
plaza when I saw a single
amikaze gull swoop up
behind and attac another
fellow munching on a sandwich. In this case, the sandwich
survived, but it will only be time before
there is another victim.
"A lot of crime perpetrated by wildlife on
campus goes unreported" says Lehrer,
stirring creamer into his third coffee of the
morning. "Sometimes people are just too
embarrassed to admit they've been duped
by a critter with a tenth of their cranial
volume. It's hard to get statistics." Lehrer
does agree that the wildlife on campus is
getting more brazen every day. Furthermore, he is adamant that something be
done: "People have to put their foot down
and let these creatures know that homo
sapiens is still at the top of the food chain.
The AMS needs to get involved - it could
offer wildlife defense courses - and Safe-
walk should enlarge it's program to offer
lunchtime escorts from the SUB when the
animals are at their most vicious." Says
Lehrer, "the only thing limiting campus
safety right now is funding."
Wildlife on campus has traditionally consisted of birds and small mammals: Class
Aves is represented by crows, ravens, bald
eagles, Rogaine eagles, sparrows, chickadees, robins, starlings and owls. Four-
legged denizens include rabid families of
raccoons and coyotes. In addition to the
Vicious bands of hybrid squirrels invade campus residences!
ubiquitous black and greay squirrels, campus is also home to rats, mice, voles and
other Rodents of Unusual Size. These animals fill an important niche in UBC's
ecosystem by eating insect residence pests
and extra cafeteria food.
As of late, however, the wildlife has
become unusually brazen, threatening to
balance the equilibrium between man and
nature that was once so clearly in man's
favour. In hopes of conserving the status
quo, the RCMP have begun working with
members of the UBC Biology department
to institute a new animal control program
involving a controlled release of predators
onto UBC lands. In September 2000,400
coyotes were released into the endowment
areas; at first, small herbivore populations
declined as predicted. However, a surprising development caught both the police
and the biologists by surprise: after a period of several months, the coyotes and
campus squirrels interbred to create a
squirrel-coyote hybrid called a "squirrote".
Fortunately, this hybrid - although
vicious - is sterile and thus helps reduce
the dangerously high squirrel population
on campus.
Officials have also looked into the possibility of subduing animals
with pepper spray and are
investigating the preservative and culinary effects
of the spray on the carcasses. "Our early trials in
the cafeterias of undergraduate residences on
campus indicate considerable student enthusiasm
for wild meat." Pest control personnel have also
tried lacing discarded
pieces of pizza - kindly
donated by Pi R Squared -
with the drug Rohypnol.
Says Lehrer, "we at the
UBC RCMP detachment
have tried everything in
our power to prevent
wildlife from getting out of
hand on campus. But this is a
community problem that will only be
solved by community: now is the time for
UBC students, faculty and staff to band
together to fend off the threat posed by
rampaging animals."
If there's one kind of animal we need
control for around here, it's the Red-jacketed Geer. (Engineerus surliust).
We should start with the radio-collaring
so We can keep track and study the dispersal habits of this magnificent, drunk
— Andy
Summon the Hounds!
W'v Jay Garcia
>-a y  Capt. Cantankerous
Sick. Sick sick goddamn sick.
I've been rather ill recently. I would rant
about being violently, malevolently, disgustingly ill, but the mere thought of reliving the situation puts my stomach into
churning knots.
However, this recent bout with the forces
of Strep throat have given me marvellous
insights into the comedic nature of sickness. For example, did you know that a
sick person with a migraine is remarkably
succeptible to both aural and visual stimuli? Any sound louder than a whisper or
light brighter than a candle causes the sufferer to thrash around in their bed like a
hooked fish. You can have hours of fun
just by going to their room, flicking the
overhead light on and off and playing loud
music at random intervals. You can even
make it a game: first room-mate to cause
the sick bastard to thrash his way off his
own bed and fall painfully to the floor gets
to avoid doing the dishes.
The worst part of being sick is the lingering cough. Coughs, like bad houseguests,
have no idea how long they've overstayed
their welcome. They're fun to have
around, at least at first, becuase it's a new
experience and you can wring an awful
amount of sympathy and inspire nursing
instincts in cute women by hacking and
coughing miserably. Four days later, when
everyone aroudn you has grown tired of
your semi-constant coughing fits, you're at
the point where you wish your cough
would pack up its bags, get its damn ass of
the couch and stop making a huge mess of
the rec room that is your lungs.
Collectible Kewlness
I was in the Comicshop recently. This
should not surprise long-time readers who
are painfully aware of my geekiness. However, the Comicshop is the place where my
alpha-geekiness is all-too-apparent. Not
only have I been shopping there for fourteen years now (and I've only been in Vancouver for fifteen years), the guys at the
'shop get me presents for my birthday.
And I possess box #1; the first of four hundred odd-subscription boxes where the
staff faithfully puts my weekly shipment of
comics, saving me from having to make
the trip down to ensure that I don't miss a
single issue of Transmetropolitan or Planetary.
The 'Shop also sells toys. Lots of 'em.
Kewl ones. They have the Bob and Doug
MacKenzie diorama, complete with Great
White North backdrop and mouse-in-a-
can. They sell Spawn merchandise. Matrix
dolls. Miniature giant robots. Anime and
Manga inspired fully poseable action figures.
However, if you want to buy one of these
neat toys, you have to get down to the
store as fast as possible after Tuesday and
Wednesday shipments, because Mainframe Entertainment, the makers of the
ever-so-deliciously geeky Reboot! and War
Planets work just down the street, and the
animation-programmers, modellers, and
other desk and cubicle bound Main-
framers race to the 'Shop to find all kinds
of swag to place around and top of their
monitors to secure their positions as geek
That being said, I was pleased and
amazed to discover that, when I wandered
into the shop, no-one had purchased the
Bender bendy-toy, complete with bend-
able pipe!
There's something strangely comforting
about having a maniacal, human-killing
robot, or at least a bendable-PVC version
of it, sitting on top of my monitor, guarding my workstation from all possible
Online Comics
Newspaper comics have died. Watterson
(Calvin and Hobbes) and Breathed (Bloom
County, Outland) have left the building.
Doonesbury is the only stronghold left,
and the rest of the field is populated by
strips that appeal to the lowest common
denominator. The internet, however, is a
fertile medium for some of the best comics
out there, as their creators are. free of the
censorship or space constraints that
plague their newspaper relatives.
I swear, if I didn't have my daily comics
inecomics.html), I'd go all Jack Nicholson
and bust through doors with a fireaxe. 14 March 2001
Page Three
Carma, Carma...Carma Chameleon
Jo Krack
Likes Traffic Lights
Well, it's finally happened. I have
officially run out of salicious, racy
topics to write about. Nothing
sex- or breast-related in this article, no
siree. I won't even be slamming religious
zealots... wait, wait, I think I can still
squeeze them in...
Today's article is about how to have good
carma. And no, I haven't misspelled karma,
I'm cleverly coining a new term to describe
how your driving behaviour can come back
to haunt you. Now let's all hope that the
word "carma" becomes as over-used as
"Information Superhighway" or "road
rage" or "politically correct" or "e" anything, so I can go directly to Hell for it, and
then meet and beat up all the people who
coined the aforementioned annoying
Back to carma. Just like with karma,
carma is the philosophy that if you drive
like an asshole, your actions will come back
to haunt you, in the form of car-totalling
accidents, speeding tickets, and license
revocation. So here is a following list of
what to avoid, and the possible carmic
Tailgating, aka "riding one's ass." As any
good little ICBC employee will tell you, tail-
gating is BAD. It doesn't leave you any time
to avoid hitting the car in front of you if it
suddenly has to brake. Some people tailgate because they are old and doddering
and really can't even see your car unless
they're almost on top of it, but the rest of
you know better.
Aggressively tailgating and flicking your
lights at someone to make them speed up is
very bad carma: either pass the person in
front of you, or, if it's single-lane traffic,
learn to accept the fact that tailgating may
occasionally threaten someone and result
in them speeding up, but it's asshole-
award-worthy behaviour and will only get
you to your destination three minutes earlier at most, so relax already! Don't you
have a radio in your car? Listen to it, or
watch the scenery, or play with your fancy
cell phone - hey, I bet it has games!
The carmic results of tailgating: Either you
will be found at-fault in at least five fender-
benders, causing your insurance to skyrocket and your car's front bumper to look
like shit, or else you will be doomed to single-lane driving behind a Sunday-driving
grandmother every day of the week!
Indy Wannabes: weaving in and out of
traffic and pretending you're racing in the
Indy is just pathetic. It's a Honda Civic (or
whatever other pathetic non-Indy worthy
car you drive), accept that and move on.
Besides, didn't you read about the latest
street racing crash on the Knight Street
Bridge? Thirteen, count 'em, thirteen cars
smashed because two punks were trying to
prove whose was bigger. People should
have to register for sports cars and be
interviewed and tested before being
allowed to purchase one. Maybe
then we could weed out the 16
year olds (and the older ones
who just act like 16 u\ir
olds) that think the\
playing Daytona. Dri\e
should be in control of
their  cars;  if you're
going 30 km/h o\ er
the speed limit in a
bustling city, you're
not in control of your
car, no matter how
many fancy swerves
you pull to show off.
Carmic results of
driving like an Ind)
Wannabe: your
sports cars will br
taken away and you
will be forced to takr
driving lessons. As
part of these lesson->.
you will also be foi red
to repeat "Driving la
does not mean dn\i
well" and "I will not usr
car to make up for ,m\
ciencies in [appearano
ligence, popularity, ln<
size]." If you reali/r
such a hot driver >il
though none of thosr .iiiulriils m-re
really your fault, right?),} oil will lu\c performed your penance and will be allowed
to drive. We'll start you with a Ford Fiesta
and you can gradually move up through
good performance on regular maturity
Incorrect use of turn signals: this is a
minor offense, but it still bears mentioning.
Turn signals let us know what your car is
about to do, so we can avoid hitting you if
you decide to do something stupid, such as
changing lanes without shoulder checking.
So use your signals, and hey: use them
properly. Want to turn left? Use left blinker. Turn right? Right blinker. Do not try to
cleverly fool the rest of us by using your left
blinker to merge into the right hand lane.
Do not make me have to hurt you.
Carmic results of incorrect turn signal use:
your brain will be hooked up to a device
that broadcasts your thoughts, in pictoral
form, on a large screen mounted on the
roof of your car. Other drivers will be able
to see where you envision your car moving,
so we won't have to read your mind anymore. As a bonus, all your dirty thoughts
will also be
i n g
in traffic!
Left turn jumpers: this one is for all of you
in Richmond, where I live and have to deal
with this every day. When you are lined up
to turn left, you may only turn on the yellow light if you were already in the intersection when it turned yellow. If this means
fitting three cars into the intersection, all of
which will turn on the yellow, then so be it;
that seems to be the norm now anyway. But
in the name of sex and chocolate, DO NOT
TURN ON A RED LIGHT! It doesn't matter
if you don't want to wait for the next light
change, or if you really think you deserved
to sneak by on the yellow along with the six
other cars that pulled it off. If you weren't
in the intersection when the light turned
yellow, you have to wait a full sixty seconds
before making your turn. That's life, and
it's how the rest of us keep road anarchy to
a minimum: by mutually agreeing that
green means go and red means stop. It's as
simple as that.
Carmic results of turning left on a red
light: this is a simple one, and I've seen it
happen enough times to vouch for its effectiveness. Basically, your car will eventually
be totaled by oncoming traffic, which has
the right-of-way, and you'll be at fault. Ha
Red light runners: OK, I understand that
when the light goes yellow, most people
peed up to clear the intersection. Howev-
r, as described above, red means stop. If
the light is yellow when you're a mile
away, it's going to be red - very red - by
the time you go through it. Gunning the
engine to achieve speeds in excess of
120 km/h is not the solution to this
Carmic results of running red lights:
Boom! Yup, bye-bye impatient driver's car! It's as simple as that. However, if you run a red light and
almost hit me, I will follow you home
*"   and fill your car with squirrels while
!.*   you sleep.
In the morning you will wake up to a
car full of squirrel shit and completely
devoid of all that tasty upholstery.
Well, that last sentence speaks for my
■<tate of mind and level of sleep deprivation, so I think I'll conclude by exhorting
ou all to take the concept of carma to
■art. Drive well, without cutting people
f or otherwise annoying or angering
iem, and you will be ensured a long,
ippy life with a nice car and low insur-
ice and no threat from squirrels. On a
linal note, I'll add my own little pet peeve:
it I hear any more gripes about "woman
dLivers", I'll shove some statistics down
your throat (even if I have to make them
up, dammit!): the truth is that the worst
drivers out there, based on frequency and
severity of accidents (we ain't talkin' fender-benders) are young men. Who, coinci-
dentally, are the first to accuse other
groups of people of poor driving. "Damn
[insert gender, age, or ethnic group] drivers! Why won't they speed up so I can cut
them off and cause some carnage?"
So there you have it. Ladies, if your
boyfriend drives like a jerk, stop pretending it's turning you on. If his ego needs that
much stroking, maybe you should find
someone who's more secure. And if him
driving like a jerk does turn you on, then
hey - might as well screw in the car; it can
only improve his driving.
Friday, March 30, 2001...
International House
Tix: $5
Presented by:
Tickets dn sale in frdnt
DF SUB,   MARCH   25-3D.
...a spring dance for the millenium Page Four
14 March 2001
Cry Me An Apathetic River
Bree Baxter
^^   Whip-weilder
After five years, it shouldn't surprise
me anymore, but even now I'm
shocked and sickened by this continual belief (belief? Nay, worship) in the system of student politics. I'm not advocating
the overthrow of student politics, through
referendum or armed coup, but I want certain people to calm the fuck down. Even
during the AMS election in January, I
thought the overemphasis placed upon the
impact the AMS could have upon the social
ills of the world was a bit much. Outside of
a whack of VDs passed on every cheery Pit
Night, the AMS doesn't create social ills.
Moreover, as a student society that is supposed to help its members, the AMS
should, and has, restrict itself to its mandate: Help students with their bus pass or
their free trade coffee in SUB or whatever.
Cheerio and tut tut.
Ok, now that I've said that, realize that in
the ways of the world, the AMS has infinitely more powers than SUS does. They
have more money. They have political lobbying clout. They don't have a gaping pit in
the centre of their head office. SUS has less
money, no clout, and pretends there is no
gaping pit but there is so go ask about it.
Why would anyone want to be a part of
SUS? (Bear with me, it'll come together in
the end).
There are really only four reasons. The
first and most innocuous is the "I love my
fellow man and want to help them out!"
These people get their kicks being nice. I
know, I was one of them. You do it because
you think you're helping, and that is its
own reward. Yes, it's all Pollyanna and cupcakes, but stuff like this really does happen.
If you know one of these people, or are one
yourself, apply a firm smack uponst the
bottom of the offender. In fact, apply two in
a firm but loving way.
The second reason is rather pure and simple. Embezzlement. SUS has a $72,000
budget each year (give or take a few students' $12). However, as only one person
has the signing authority to the big account
(That's the Director of Finance, kids), this
is rather rare. In fact, the Director of
Finance (all of them) has never, ever
bought that car they keep going on about.
prof's fly
Made you
Most Financiers fall into category one,
above. Aww, aren't they sweet? Makes you
want to take them home and play with
them in the bath. Squeak Squeak.
If you are an ambitious sort and think that
the inclusion on the SUS Executive is a sure
ticket to law, medical or graduate school,
you're in the third category. You're also
rather dumb as these institutions look at
your grades, and if you put any effort at all
into SUS you'll start failing classes and
drinking to hide the pain.
However, SUS is very good at being a
launching pad. Done a year in the Science
politick? You're primed and ready to move
on to the AMS! (I told you there would be a
common thread) Once you've successfully
run SUS for a year (without killing other
people or having to suck too much administration cock), you're ready to sit on the
AMS as its leader and Master. But only if
you're not too left-wing to offend the voters
in Commerce or Science. As an aside, I've
never seen the political ideological line
split so nicely betwixt faculties. It's scary
and will make the last part of my article
make more sense. Hold on to it.
People in categories one though three will
be in this on their own, lone runners who
are campaigning on the weight of their
smile, their tightness of their ass, or their
qualifications. But the people who really,
really want to get into power use a slate.
Slates are the stupidest thing known to student politics. The whole point of being a
volunteer for a nonprofit organization in a
university is working with other people. In
a slate, there is always a leader who is using
the thing for his or her own selfish gains (of
AMS presidency or some such). More often
than not, when conflicts in the campaign
come up, there is the same leader who
makes the decisions on what to do. And
when I hear (purely as rumor, of course)
that some posters of the slates were
changed by other slate members and the
person whose poster was changed didn't
take actions to rectify this, I think to
myself, how can I vote for someone who
can't even stand up about the wording of a
poster? Christ on a bicycle, it's enough to
make me weep and/ or drink myself into
There, I think I've done enough damage to
the SUS Exec election. Now run along and
vote in a science building near you or in
SUB. And take your student card, dumb-
Now, for a quick touch on to the looming
BC provincial election. It's really, really sad
when the NDP isn't even putting the party's
name on the election signs. "Vote for me! I
won't tell you what party I'm in, but look!
Ujjal is our leader and he's really pretty in
this black leather vest! A vote for me is a
vote for Ujjal!" Which, by the way, isn't
really true unless you live in Vancouver-
Kensington. Anyone living at UBC or in
Kitsilano where SUV's duck pedestrians
(like me) at three o'clock is in the Vancouver-Point Grey riding where Gordon
Campbell presides or something.
And speaking of Gordon Campbell, the BC
Young New Democrats have done a strange
thing. They've made these posters that feature a web address and other such made-
up political tripe on one side, and the other
side is that of a field of vampiresque monochromatic Gordon Campbell clones with
the expression of "I'll get you, my pretty!
You and your little tuition freeze too, a ha
ha ha!" and the words that simply say "Stop
The only way to stop Campbell at this
point would be to mobilize the entire student body to voting for someone else, and
that still wouldn't do it. At this rate, the
election won't happen 'til May when everyone has gone home and only the yuppie
SUV-driving latte-sipping capitalists will
be around to vote.
Personally, I'm all for it. Raise my tuition
if it will bring back my god-damn labs.
Hmmm. Mobilize the student body... into
an unstoppable army that will crush my
enemies before me!
Naah, that'll never happen. You'd sooner
get a hundred cats to agree before you
could weld the various campus groups
into a unified whole. I mean, you've got
your basic every-day "I don't know what
I'm doing here" slackers, your med-school
keeners, your beret-and-black-clad Artsies, politicos, wigged-out-weeders and
other self-involved, narcissitic bastards
populating this campus. I'd be surprised
if you could even get 'em to agree to pizza
toppings, much less topple an extant
political entity. Or get them to crush my
enemies and send their women and children howling into the cold
Science Gear for Sale!
Science Mugs    $4 Available NOW!
Science Toques $12
Science Sweatshirts and Fleece
Coming Soon.
Navel Gazing:
I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the
Charles De Gaulle
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are
many rewards, if you disgrace
yourself you can always write
a book.
Ronald Reagan
Politics is perhaps the only
profession for which no
preparation is thought necessary.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Politics is the skilled use of
blunt objects.
Lester B. Pearson
Web Sites of Dubious
Moral Value:
The Dot Com Crash:
career and money/dot com
Helo lake Get Laid!
shoiu.phpVseries 2
Cliff Yablonski Hates You!
.com/cl if f /ihateyou
Soace Moose
Stuff Magazine
http://ujwuj.stuf fmagazine.com
http://zone.msn.com/bejuJeled 14 March 2001
Page Five
Life, the Universe, and Everythin
■^JJ** Ben Warrington
A line in Joan Osbourne's song One of Us
is "What would you ask if you hadjust one
question?" I like the song a lot even
though I am basically an atheist. My atheism stems not so much from a lack of
belief as from an unwillingness to commit
myself either way given the almost complete absence of evidence that I would
consider even remotely convincing. I listened to the song again recently, and it got
me thinking, what would I ask God (supposing he/she/it exists) if I had the opportunity? A lot of people might ask, "What is
the meaning of life?" Fair enough, but I
am not certain that God would have an
. answer to that question. Certainly, I doubt
he would have an answer that I would be
able to understand. A second question
comes to mind: "What is my purpose in
life?" This is similar to the first, but not
exactly the same. Again, I am not sure that
God would have an answer for that question, but if he did, would I really want to
know? "You, my son, have been placed on
this Earth to scrub toilets for your social
"Uhh, gee ... thanks, God."
Instead, I might ask something along the
line of, "Can you explain the Grand Unified Theory to me?"
Of course, this is just begging for the simple answer, "No, I can't," or worse, "I
could, but I won't."
I might try to reword this question to be
safer, "What is the Grand Unified Theory?" but God might just as easily reply:
"It is the hypothetical theory linking
together all of the forces in current theories of Physics."
Of course, seeing as God was willing to
give me the time to ask the question, there
is no reason to suppose that he would play
head games. He should know the intent of
my question, being omniscient and all,
even if I am unable to express it precisely.
So, he gives me the Grand Unified Theory,
then what? I am famous (probably not
rich), but it would not be as though the
science of Physics were over. The theory
would not be proven, nor would we even
have started studying its ramifications.
Heck, I might not be able to convince anyone to even take "my" theory seriously.
The referee for the Physical Review would
probably be looking for a more convincing
argument than, "God told me, so it must
be true." I can think of a lot of things like
this that I might ask God; there are a lot
of things that I want to know, but not so
many of them require that I be told by
God in order to find out. A rather profound possibility might be, "Are we alone
in the Universe, or is there intelligent life
elsewhere?" Again, however, I am not sure
what good the answer would do besides
satisfying a personal curiosity. I find it
unfathomable that there is no intelligent
life anywhere else in the universe, but the
universe is a very big place. If the intelligence is outside the Milky Way galaxy,
then it might as well not exist for our purposes because it is rather unlikely that we
(as a species) would ever interact with
them. Even if there is intelligence in the
Milky Way, it is still pretty unlikely that
there would be any dealings with them for
generations, perhaps millennia. So what
would I ask?
In Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to
the Galaxy, there is kind of a side plot
involving the construction of a very large
computer. The purpose of this computer,
naturally, was to answer the great question of "Life, the Universe, and Everything." After a 5000 year wait, or so, the
computer is finally ready to give its
answer: "42." After a bit of confusion and
of asking for clarification, the computer is
able to relate that a much larger computer
would have to be built to actually figure
out what the great question of "Life, the
Universe, and Everything," was, but the
answer to the question was most definitely
Perhaps then, coming back to my own
rather unlikely scenario, the ultimate
question to ask God if I were given the
opportunity would be: "What question
should I be asking?" or even, "What would
you most like to tell me?"
Of course, I could always just ask who
was going to win the Stanley Cup, and
then bet an inordinate sum of money on
the outcome. There is always another way
to go.
Next Deadline
March 28
Write for The 432 or we'll club
this Internal Vice President!
All articles and cartoons welcome. Must make the editor
laugh at least thrice, or giggle uncontrollably until the
assistant editor is forced lo lake him away in .1
Any articles must contain your full contact information.
and should be around 700 words. If you're sending a
graphic, make it roughly 5 wide by 6" high (minimum).
All contributions must be made by 4:32pm, March 2.S,
Send Email to jgarcia@interchange.ubc.ca
dLottt5 JLlakt Lltaritu J^ociet
Year 2001
Gift of Sight Eyeglass Campaign
8,000 Eyeglasses to the Third World!
Eyeglass Dropoff Boxes in
SUB Building and UBC Hospital.
Talent show by UBC's/
medical students      /
(Saturday) 8:00 pmf"
at Chan Centre
Tickets $10 at
Ticketmaster (surcharges apply), an
the Chan Centre Box Office  "'
This presentation is rocfe possible by
:the generous :mm&mm:®f'. the Cha n
Indowment Fund of UK
Proceeds donated to the charity
"A loving SPOONFUL" Page Six
14 March 2001
SUS Executive Election Frenzy!!!!
Poll Boths open:
SUB Concourse: Every Daij
Koerner Library Euery Dai/
watcR for poll Booths at Hennings, chem, KlinfL, cicsr,
WesBrooH and Woodward
External Vice-President
Micheal Groves
Reka Sztopa
The External Vice-President's role in the SUS is to act as the head
liaison to the other student societies on campus. This is an
important job that is to be taken seriously because without proper communication, nothing gets accomplished. My other major
task is to organize Science Week. I plan to work closely with the
Director of Finance in order to create a memorable week.
Organize Science Week. I plan to work closely with the D of
Finance in order to create a memorable week
My name is Reka Sztopa and I am a 3rd year Integrated Science
student. For the past two years I have served on the SUS Executive as Internal Vice-President and have gained valuable experience working with many people on campus. With my experience
I feel that I can provide effective leadership as your SUS President. I will work to ensure that you are informed about SUS
events and will listen to your needs as a Science student and
your ideas for SUS. I will lobby for increased Science student
social space and will make your voice heard on AMS.
Justin Hsu
My name is Justin and I am running for
VP external. I am currently in second year
majoring in Chemistry/Biochemistry combined honours.
If you elect me, I intend to make sure that
you are informed of whatdecisions are
being made at the AMS and most impor
tantly, make sure that your interest and
that of the science student council are presented to and taken into account in the
AMS. As well, I will fulfill all the other
obligations of the position to the best of my
Why should you vote for me?  Check out
www.justinhsu.org for more reasons why.
Sherry Yang
Dedication, Integrity, Enthusiasm and
Experience. These are the qualities that I
have to offer as aPresidential candidate.
Positions I've held, such asSUS Executive
Secretary and AMS Director, have givenme
a taste of what I can do for you through
yourstudent fees. If elected, I hope to cre
ate a bright new Science student
lounge/study area with a comfortable and
interactive atmosphere. My aim next year
will be to foster a lively Science student
community - one which will enrich you
both socially and academically. SUS needs
an injection of spirit, and I plan to wield
the needle.
Chris Weston
External Issues? I'm the guy for the job.
I've decided to run for External VP because
I'm interested in representing Science
interests to the AMS, and taking on a leadership role within SUS. I have experience
as Director of Publications for SUS for the
past year and as a Director of the AMS for
part of the year, as well. I'm willing to work
hard for you, and I want to make sure that
we have a great Science Week 2002, which
will be one of my duties.
If you like what you hear, vote Chris Weston for External VP!
Internal Vice-President
Carmen Gemmell
Academic affairs would be my major campaign that I will
work on. I will stress better classroom instruction as a
top priority. I will also try to create a welcoming environment for the first years in the Faculty of Science by
organizing the First Year Committee.
Anna Orzechowski
Why me? Well, I'm dedicated, honest, intelligent, and I even have a
cool last name! I have had lots of
leadership experience, from organizing an
environmental conference, being named
valedictorian of my graduating class, to
serving as general officer on SUS and serv
ing as Enviro Rep for my building in
Vanier. There are many things a person can
bring to the position of Internal Vice President, hopefully these tidbits will help you
see that I am the best candidate for this
position, and that I will get the job done
right. So, bring your card and vote for me,
Anna Orzechowski!
Gladwin Kwong
My name is Gladwin and I am running for&nbsp;Internal VP for
S.U.S. I want to clarify to my fellow members of this faculty that I am passionately committed to making this society
more able to meet your needs (and even
have some fun on the way). I have previous
leadership experience with other organiza
tions, and this experience will be of great
use in serving your needs. I ask all of you,
fellow students, to exercise your right to
vote and elect me, Gladwin, to represent
your interests on this council.
Thank you...
Sameer Wahid
Hi there! My name is Sameer Wahid,
and I'm running for Internal VP.
Here's why I deserve your vote.
Experience: I have sat on SUS Council for
the past two years as Sales Manager and
Chem. Rep., where I chair the Sales committee, and assist with Science functions.
Goals: As a Chem. major, I know exams
are a pain to study for. My major goal is to
build an exam database, so you can better
prepare for midterms and finals.
Any questions? Have an idea? E-Mail
Remember, on Mar. 14-16 vote Sameer
Wahid for Internal VP.
-^ Social Coordinator y ^      Director of Publications      y
Kat Scotton
I'm Kat Scotton and I am running for So-Co. So,
please, re-elect for me and I will bring you more bzzr
gardens and concerts like I did this year. And for the
love of bzzr, go out and vote, and make an informed
choice. Thanks, and drink up.
Ben Warrington
I have had articles published in many
(though not all) issues of the 432 this year
as well as several last year. I have also had
an article published in the most recent
issue of the Paradigm (due out shortly). I
am familiar with both these publications,
and I believe that I would do a good job
managing them next year as the Director of
Further, I have sat on Science Undergraduate Society Council for the past two years
as departmental representative, so I am
familiar with the workings of the society.
A Brief History of SUS Elections
February 3,1961 - Science and Arts are
divorced. A legend is born.
March 16, 1962 - The start of a grand
tradition: the Science double election. In
the first ever SUS Executive Election, irregularities force a recall.
December 3,1969 - SUS President Ron
Gilchrist, unable to find student housing,
decides to move into the SUS Office with
his girlfriend. Unfortunately, their hot
plate starts a fire, which destroys the office.
The Dean of Science, none too pleased,
shuts down SUS until 1972.
March 11,1981 - Dave Frank, elected as
SUS President, revives the Black Hand,
Chariot Races, SUS involvement in Intra-
murals, and the long tradition of incompetent presidencies.
February 19,1932 - SUS celebrates the
first ever Science elections by once again
holding a second one after the first was discovered to have a few irregularities
,1992 - Carmen McKnight starts her reign
of terror as SUS President, forcing SUS
Executive and Council members to actually
fulfill all their duties.
Jan 15, 1995 - President Ryan MeCuaig
is handcuffed by four burly engineers,
thrown into the back of a waiting van and
forced to endure a weekend with the Association of Engineering Women on their
annual road trip to Nelson, BC. Ryan's
appetite for pranks and politics wanes considerably from that point onwards.
April 1,1995 - President Tracy MacKinnon ascends throne for what proves to be a
2 year reign of terror.
March, 1996 - 432 Editor Emeritus,
John Hallett, votes 13 times in Executive
Election due to the naivety of the Elections
Commissioner's 'Honour' system, using a
dry-erase marker to mark the corresponding student card box. Boxes are irrevocably
destroyed in all following elections.
Furthermore, large posters with John's
picture are instructed to be placed next to
all polling stations, with the words "Do
NOT allow this man to vote" beneath it.
March 1998 -In what is the most inauspicious electoral climate since Richard
Nixon's acendancy to the American presidency, Jay Garcia, Phil Ledwith, and Craig
Temple all run for SUS presidency. As if in
response to this portentous event, British
Columbia experiences a brief, 5.2 magnitude earthquake, and the sky is darkened 14 March 2001
Page Seven
Vote Early, Vote Often! March 14-16
■^ Executive Secretary y -/
Director of Sports
Corrie Baldwin
Hey Science! Not only have I been a department representative for
two years, I was also the PRO for Science Week 2001 Committee.
Remember the gorgeous posters, pamphlets, and campus wide
emails advertising Science Week? That was me! I plan to use my
advertising experience to increase student participation in science
events at least 2-fold. In addition, by making my concise council
meeting minutes publicly accessible, all students will have the
opportunity to be aware of science politics - thus the opportunity for
students to become involved. Your vote does count! Vote Baldwin!
Garry Sarohia
Organisation is crucial for the success of this student
society. I will keep the SUS together and organized so
that it can carry out its tasks. I also plan on making
SUS council meeting minutes publicly available so students will know and can react to what is being discussed by the SUS.
May Tee
Think fast: what undergraduate society
organized a miniature Olympics, where
hundreds of students and faculty members
across campus participated in wild, crazy,
yet educational games? Duh! The Science
Olympics were organized by Science students!
Here's another fact: Science is the finest
faculty at UBC and we deserve to be heard
and recognized. I'm running for Executive
Secretary and if elected, I will not only take
top-quality minutes, but I will ensure that
your interests and concerns are voiced at
AMS and SUS Council meetings. From
March I4th-i6th, vote MAY TEE for your
Public Relations Officer
W" -
jffiiLJhmr i
Paul Dhillon
Awareness is key in developing any program. The Public Relations Officer is responsible for increasing awareness around the campus and community. This would
include publications around campus and to the local
media. I only want to portray this council as an effective student body and will work so this can be a reality.
Julia Haber
Hi, I'm Julia and I'm running for Public
Relations Officer with the Science Students' Initiative. I've had a whackload of
leadership experience, from being class
president in high school, to being a MUG
leader for Imagine UBC, and serving on
SUS council as the Pharmacology and
Physiology rep. Also, if the graduation gods
smile upon me, I'll be graduating next year
and will be in touch with the needs and
expectations of graduating students, which
is important as one of the PRO's main
duties is to coordinate grad class council
and class act. Vote early, vote often!
Ahmed "RUSH" Khaliqi ™^™ZZrCERF0RSUS'WEAT
Ted Lai
A Breakdancer...
A Basketball Lover ...
A Badminton Player
= Your Sports Director
Kristen Lyons
Hi, my name is Kristin Lyons, and I am
running for Director of Sports for the Science Undergraduate Society Executive. My
goal as Director of Sports is to increase science student involvement in sports, and to
ensure science students are informed of
any upcoming sporting events.
Not only have I had experience working in
the Science Undergraduate Society as the
Earth and Ocean Sciences Rep this year,
but I myself have participated in both soccer and Storm the Wall, and so I know how
funsports can make university life be. By
voting for me, you are voting for sports!
Barinder Singh
Sports are an important stress relief to any student.
UBC offers one of the best intramurals programs in the
country and Science students should take advantage of
the rebates that SUS offers for team participation. I will
aid students by being available to help with registration, being punctual with rebates, and publicizing
sports events and registration dates.
Director of Finance
Jeff Chen
As Director of Finance I plan to create a fiscally transparent budgeting system for the SUS. I will be receptive to student input for the budget. If successful, an increase in academic and social support for science students would follow. I will also advocate more Science events on campus in
an effort to gain further support.
Jag Dost
"Hey everybody. As you all (should) know, SUS elections are on
again. And, of course, I've decided to run for Director of Finance
again. I can't walk away from it now. I enjoy it too much.
Besides, if I'm lucky (and if I win), it looks like the majority of the
executive officers will be some amazingly hot women. Quite the
incentive to stickaround. Visions of Executive "sleep-overs"
dance through my mind. The words "All Nude Exec" never
sounded so good. So vote for me, and ensure that the Exec will
always have smiles on their faces."
Avi Malliah
Show me the MONEY! I've handled leadership positions of many organizations. I
am the newly acquired Assistant Treasurer
and I was the Treasurer of theJunior Golf
Committee at a golf course. This involvement has given me 4 years of first-hand
experience at this job. I have a strong business mind and I have successfully owned
and operated my own chequing AND sav
ings account for many years. I have also
had a year of accounting training in high
school. So when you are at the polling station, remember Avi for MONI.
by a partial solar eclipse.
It should be noted that, at this time, Phil
was not a Science student and that Jay was
spending most of his time in a drunken
stupour. Craig Temple sweeps to victory,
largely through inattention and the apathy
of the Science electorate.
March 1998 - Beginning a long tradition
of ineffectuality, SUS Elections Commissioner Henry Wong lets off malefacting
wrongdoers with nothing so much as a slap
on the wrist, allowing the electoral process
to become a bitter, contentious affair.
Alright, a more bitter, contentious affair
than it normally is. Satisfied?
March 1998 - A tie in votes for the position of Executive Secretary forces Jocelyn
Read and Keri Gammon to face off, gladiator-style, before the tribunal of SUS Council. Gammon defeats her opponent with her
patented 'Whammin' Gammon' submission hold. In defeat, Read becomes Gammon's first stepping stone to the eventual
SUS Presidency in 2000.
Incidently, Council attendance is highest
ever when it is announced that center of
council chambers had been replaced with
Jell-0 Pit.
October 1999 - Current SUS President
Craig Temple is found to have failed out the
year before, starting a chain reaction that
would claim five executives and sink multiple student political careers. The following
fraud and impeachment trial leaves the
undergraduate population's belief in their
figurehead shaken.
His replacement, Mikey Boetzkes, does little to inspire new confidence in the society,
but does manage to liberate enough free
alcohol to ease overall tension in the faculty-
October, 1999 - Science Council Elections Commissioner Reka Sztopa is puzzled
by a badly-relayed note.written by poll
clerk Jay Garcia. Jay, in a fit of pique at
having to set up a poll booth in SUB at
eleven in the morning because the previous
poll clerk didn't bother showing up for
their stint, decides to "damn all this for a
lark" and instead spends the rest of the day
at the No. 5 Orange;
to explain Election Commissioner Jeff
Steinbok's sudden and unexpected loss of
his vertebral column. Many election irregularities go uncorrected and unpunished as
the election winners are swept to power on
corrupt wave of dubious democracy.
October 2000 - Bolstered by her success
with last years Council Elections, SUS
Internal VP Reka Sztopa holds the first
SUS elections without any major irregularities in living memory. Probable cause as to
this miraculous event are attributed to the
graduation of John Hallett the previous
year and the suspicious absence of Jay Garcia, purported to be somewhere on the East
Coast at the time.
March 2000 - Medical science is unable     March 2001"The Horror BeSins A°ew Page Eight
14 March 2001
Lord, He Was Born a Ramblin' Man
Ramblin' Stone
On The AUS Elections
the "most unfortunate choice of capitalization on a campaign poster" award goes to
one "Christine Lenis", who's aus campaign
poster follows the format of the other aus
posters and states her name as "christine
lenis", no capitals, in a sans serif font, the
lowercase "L" is large enough that even a
semi-talented sus hack can, with one
swoop of a thick-tipped, pen turn the large
"lenis" into a large "Penis." hi, we're in
grade four, try it yourself! anyone who
only uses lowercase letters should have
their work desecrated anyway, i also hear
that the ubyssey is going to run an article
on the postering campaigns on the upcoming sus and aus elections, wow, they must
be hard up for material, or just a bunch of
losers, you decide, also: chris eaton is cool
and cute and everything, but he's a bit of a
spaz, isn't he?
On Geek-Gets-Grrrl
my newfound secret indulgence is what
i'm calling "geek-gets-girl" movies, sherry
named me as the recipient of her "exec
> . 1 • - -• > J
*       "i  ,      *****     * >   t i
award" yesterday at the sus annual general
meeting (why weren't you there?), and
gave me a sneak-preview movie pass to
"get over it," a new teen geek-gets-girl
movie, i'm supposed to be all pretentious
about "films" now that i've taken film 230,
but i must say that this movie, though really really bad, was also really good, geeks
and losers have always been "getting the
girl" in movies and popular media, but in
the past, the geek had to become cool first,
geeks had to take off their glasses, stop
talking about math and computers, and
start dressing better to get the girl, this
works if you reverse the genders too: girls
had to take off their glasses, let down their
hair, undo that top button, and suddenly
they're beautiful, the message that these
movies pushed was that conformity is the
way to success in life and love, coolness
and popularity is a goal to be worked
towards, in the new generation of movies,
you have a geek hero that gets the girl by
showing how stupid the cool kids are and
how it's ok to be different and smart and
geeky. i was born too late, speaking of
On Linux
the new 2.4.x kernel owns, yo. fast fast
fast, everyone with their silly little redhat
6.2 installs should get with the new kernel.
all the booty is flowin' my way, not yours,
awwbjyeah. remember, running windows,
and having using hotmail as your email
account will eventually cause your genes to
vanish from the gene pool.
On The SUS Elections
well the latest crop of suckers are running
for your science undergrad society executive, i won't say who i'm endorsing here,
because, well, it would be unfair, to them,
you probably already know, please go out
and vote, actually, it doesn't really matter
if you vote or not, since the only thing 432
readers really care about is beer gardens,
and the social coordinator position is
acclaimed, kat will rock as much ass as she
did this year, i'm sure, but seriously, you
should go vote, or at least read about the
candidates and think about who you would
vote for if you didn't have that class to get
to, or your friends to meet.
On Graduation
leaving this institution after 6 years continues to scare the shit out of me. it's affecting my everyday existence, people who are
coming back to this place next year are
marginalizing me, as if i'm no longer a
good social investment for them, i find
myself expressing my anxiety as anger:
"fuck ubc! i hate this place! i hate the apathetic job-obsessed, fashion-following,
clique-worshipping student population!"
other times, i walk down main mail, or into
the sub, or in ricks lab in klink and i start to
get all misty-eyed, where in the real world
can i skip out of class, walk into the sus
lounge and immediately start participating
in a conversation about matrices, or menstruation, or metaphysics?
On Arts County Fair
wow! more boring Canadian cockrock!
sign me up! where's my beer? shit, i still
need to pay my frat dues and buy some
rohypnol from that guy. sorry, but science
completely owned arts this year for concerts.
please send me letters, i will print them in
my column in the next issue, you will be
famous! email them to myk432@hush-
mail.com. use the subject "ALL YOUR
BASE ARE BELONG TO US." make quick
one moment, one chance.
Captain: For Ereat Justice!
In A.D. 2101
War was beginning.
Captain: What happen ?
Operator: Somebody set up
us the bomb
Operator: We get signal
Captain. Whatf
Operator: Main screen turn
Captain: It's You!!
Cats: How are you gentlemen!!
Cats: You are on the way to
Cats: All your base are belong
to us!
Captain: What you say!!
Cats: You have no chance to
survive make your time
Cats: HA HA HA HA ....
Captain: Take off every 'zig'
Operator: You know what you
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IX, 14 March 2001
Page Nine
Your 3ujpe to th §c\wct (JmP£r9r3Pu8TE
§OC\lTY [uctjomS!
V&%* /
Lai, Ted,'
Lyons, Kristin,'
Singh, Barinder1,
So you think that elections are boring? That
standing at a poll booth and excersicing your
democratic rights ranks somwhere below
"having a root canal" and "Sex with Frank
Clifford"? We at The 432 understand, and we're
here to help. Merely affix this page to stiff
cardboard, cut out the big grey circle and the
small black arrow, and affix the non-pointy
end of the arrow to the grey "x". Spin and
Now, more than ever, we are dedicated to
eliminating the need for you to make your own
O g5
N "J
to   >-
—      CO    *
^ 11
7=    co   -o
-c   I    %
q     e
', Groves, Michael
! Hsu, Justin
,' Weston, Chris
^ ^ %
cut here...
cut here...
A decidedly non-alphabetic,
categorical guide to the candidates
Grasping for Political Power:
Where the Heck did they come from?
Sztopa, Reka
Gemmell, Carmen
Yang, Sherry
Kwong, Gladwin
Wahid, Sameer
Sarohia, Garry
Weston, Chris
Khaliqi, Ahmed "RUSH"
Warrington, Benjamin
Chen, Jeff
Dost, Jagmeet
Malliah, Avi
Lai, Ted
Singh, Barinder
Groves, Michael
Hsu, Justin
Party People in the House, Yo!
Scotton, Kat
Silent Councillors with. Unknown Motives:
Lyons, Kristin
Orzechowski, Anna
Haber, Julia
Tee, May
Baldwin, Corrie
Dhillon, Paul Page Ten
14 March 2001
Naughty Technology
Kelly Mann
Laser Breasts
I was leafing through one of our city's
many crappy 'local' newspapers a little
while ago when I came upon an ad for
'Fraser Valley Cosmetic Surgery Centre'.
The ad was for liposuction and 'breast
augmentation' (i.e. "We's take it outta here
and put it in there, and badda-bing badda-
boom, youse beautiful!") and featured a
Hitchcockian silhouette of a shapely
woman. Ah, we're Hollywood North for
more than just the movies they shoot here.
The thing that really disturbed me about
the ad was the 'o% financing', limited time
offer they were advertising for the 'augmentation'. Now, I may sound stupid (or at
least 'read' stupid), but isn't that a deal
usually attached exclusively to car sales? I
mean, what's next? Leasing? Test driving?
Everything must go!?
"Yah, so I like, tried the 2001 CathZ Jones
SE, liked it and I leased it. But I got bored
of them after a couple of months. So I like,
traded it in for the classic 1984 Bo Derek
model they had at the dealer down the
street. Those babies drive smooth."
And let me get this straight, the implants
are made of silicone? The same stuff that
they make computers out of? Hmm...a
mini computer in my boobs? How could I
turn that down? I guess there's enough
large breasts on the computer games. Lara
Croft, the work of a whole lot of silicone. I
would hate to see what the Y2K bug would
have done to boobies around the world.
And then there's the laser surgery. They
swear that they can remove unwanted hair
and wrinkles through the use of lasers.
Now, maybe I haven't learned quite as
much about the wonders of high-tech science as I have about the Star Wars films,
but my life's teaching tells me that any
laser hitting your body will take more than
hair off your body. It'll usually also take a
few layers of skin, a few muscle cells, a few
bone or organ bits, more muscle and more
skin as it exits your body and automatically cauterises the wound.
And as much as I'd like to trust science,
Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park II and the
upcoming Jurassic Park III show me that
trusting science is a bad thing. I'm sure
there are convincing arguments on the
other side, but do they involve dinosaurs or
wookies? Do they? No? Then I'm not interested. If you can't put multi-million dollar
creativity in your presentation then you
obviously don't care about your position as
much, so why should I care?
Why should I trust science anyway? While
I do like the medicine bit and the whole
general comfort level above that of a log
cabin in the middle of the woods is quite
nice, the tendency of high-tech things to go
kablooie is pretty constantly high. And
while I get mad when my term paper is
stolen out of my hard drive by the laziest
secret government division ever concocted,
my stress level is a little less than what
would happen if two system files had a conflict while they were arguing for control of
a military death ray that had being modified to cover up that little mole off my
I'd hate to be strapped in under the laser
and hear the Macintosh 'boing' sound
come out of the control pannel and see a
little red stop sign on the screen.
'Uh oh.'
'What do you mean 'Uh oh?'
'Um, youse got insurance, right?'
'Well, that all depends on the referendum
this week. May I ask why?'
'Uh...uh...no reason. Uh...Oh, look at that,
it's my union-sanctioned break. I'd get
fired if I didn't take it. I'm just going to
leave the room for a smoke while I turn on
this subliminal message machine telling
you not to sue.'
'Okay, bye. Sublimi-what?'
At least I'd still have my inner beauty.
Wait a minute. Nope, I haven't got that
either. I probably have something in
between. Something where I'd be hideously deformed, act like a bitch, but could still
be considered beautiful in some twisted
Oprah support group kind of way. Right
until I clubbed their whining asses when
they tried to group hug me on our first
Well, I'll take comfort in knowing that I'm
beautiful in my own special way that no
one else on the planet can see. Really I am.
No you aren't.
— Andy
Guys are from The Cheeze,
Chicks are from The Pit
Kat Scotton
Little Red-haired Girl
I don't get The Pit. I think it's sleazy and
on Wednesdays it is always packed and
you can't move. I don't understand the
attraction to this meat market. The girls
are dressed like whores with barely anything on and are trying to uphold this
image by sucking it in and sticking out
their chests while giggling and acting stupid.
Come on, we're in university here. Acting
like'your stupid and helpless shouldn't
work here, save it for The Wild Coyote.
Unfortunately, it does seem to work. I've
seen it countless times. Why do some girls
find it necessary to act this way to pick up
some gross meat hunter? I can understand
that physical attraction is important, but
seriously, leave something to the imagination! And as for those that insist on acting
stupid, shame on you! Same goes for the
guys that look for that behavior. For hundreds of years, women have tried to find
their place in society, and make something
of themselves, to prove that we are smart,
and can hold our own with the boys. Well,
there goes that movement by acting stupid
to be preyed upon the jerks who like to be
able to control women (or as they say, protect). These are the girls who depend on
men for everything, like changing a fucking
tire on Daddy's car, or checking the oil.
Damn it, learn it yourself, it ain't hard!
Acting all cutesy and expecting men to fix
and pay for everything is bullshit. You are
in university, get a job and do it yourself. I
hate seeing things like that, it makes me
sick. Why can't chicks and dicks all be on
the same playing field?
My scene is more along the lines of beer
gardens and Koerner's and the Gallery.
You can have a conversation, meet some
cool people and their friends and don't
have to worry about putting on a fake persona. The majority of these people are laid
back and accept you for who you are and
like to enjoy a good beer. If you are looking
to pick up, you still can, and it's a little less
stressful than worrying about whether or
not the girl next to you is all over the guy
you want, or if your boobs are hanging out
of your tube top.
Eh, that's my little rant. I should say,
though, that I have no problems with people going to The Pit to have a fun time and
dance. Go for it, just be a grrl, not a whore.
In my entire UBC career, I have spent a
grand total of fifteen hours at the Pit.
Then again, those may be the only fifteen
hours that I can actually recall...
ft f* ^^/1H/^r
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«^ 4 niKHn^>S|€K^-"NiK^ <W 14 March 2001
Page Eleven
The Drawers of SUS
Keri Gammon
Greetings my little darlings. It's
about that time - coming down to
my last ever SUS exec report. And
there's a tear in my beer because I will miss
all of you dearly.
On that note, be sure to GET OUT AND
VOTE this week for your new science executive team. You entrust them with $12
every year (dude, that's like two bzzrs at a
Vancouver pub...or 6 in my hometown of
Windsor, ON) and the representation of
your Faculty to AMS and the university
administration. So get off your arse and
partcipate in that democracy. If we don't
have a big enough turn-out I become
entrusted with administering a round of
"rock, paper, scissors" among all the candidates to declare winners. Unfortunately,
one of my favourite candidates is missing
an index finger and you know what that
means - no beating paper for them. Zut
I hope that you will join us at our St.
Patrick's Day fesitivities this Friday in SUB
partyroom. March 17th is aholiday I feel
compelled to celebrate no holds barred.
This is part stems from my strong Irish
heritage, but primarily from my profound
love of the sauce. Getting hammered is
fun, especially when you're in fourth year
with lots of stress and life-altering decisions on the table. So come on out and
have a drink or six and be sure to say 'hi'.
I'll be sporting my blue velour leisure suit
and a "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" pin.
On the social space front, it looks like we
finally have some! The location is a big
secret for now, but there is lots of sunshine
and lots of space, and those are two more
reasons to belly up to the bar on Friday
Well it's time to get back to work. Andy,
the bastard, made me write this goddamn
exec report when I really should be finishing the three papers due later on today.
Cheerio, and see you Friday!
You'll have to excuse Keri's rather...um,
inarticulate writing style.
Keri has ill-decided to join me at 3am in
the SUS office. There are warning signs
everywhere in the special strain of shite
we write at this special time of the week.
It doesn't exactly breed sanity.
Plus there's a full moon tonite. Aooooo...
Keri tells me, loaded down with quite a
few 4th year assingments rather characteristic of March in a Biology program,
that she's losing her mind.
Ah, how I remember that time of my life
well. It was much more fun than the following 'lost my mind'phase my life has
been going through for the past three
years. Enjoy it while you can babe.
I reinforce her insistancefor coming to
the St. Patty's Bzzr Garden and meeting
all these eloquent, faceless people you
read from every two weeks. They really
are quite cute and are quite fun to hang
Except me, I suck. —Andy
Internal Vice
Reka Sztopa
i Everyone,
There are only 4 more weeks until classes
are over, but boy are they going to be busy.
SUS held it's Annual General Meeting on
Thursday, March 8th to let everyone know
about what the SUS executive have been up
to this past year. Thank you to everyone
who came out and ate free food!
Right now in the works are my last three
duties until this term as your Vice-President is over. First year committee will be
running a dance -Supernova- on Friday,
March 30th at 8pm in the International
House. Tickets are only $5 and can be
bought outside the SUB on the week of
March 25th-30th from n:30-2:3opm.
Also, FYC is running a canned food drive
for the Vancouver Food Bank from the 19th
of March until the 4th of April. Please drop
off your donations to SUS (Hennings 102)
or other food bank boxes on campus during that time.
Nomination forms for SUS Teaching
Excellence Awards are now available in
SUS, in this issue of the 432 or on the website at www.ams.ubc.ca/sus.
Please submit your nomination forms
online, drop off the nomination forms in
SUS or email the required information on
the forms to rsztopa@interchange.ubc.ca.
The 2 awards will be presented on March
29th at 1:30pm in SUB council chambers.
That's it for me! Good luck on all of your
pre-final papers and assignments.
Jag Dost
Well, another few months has
passed, and I thought the time
was ripe to send out another
report on the financial status of SUS. This
may end up being my last Financial report
too. Still deciding whether that's good or
bad. But whatever.
So, what do I have that's worth saying?
Ah, Science Week and Cold Fusion. If you
don't know what these two events were,
then fuck off. You deserve to be dragged
out to the Surrey Skytrain Station and shot
in the head.
Moving right along. Science Week went
off with very few hitches. And the few that
popped up were dealt with fairly well with
a minimum of blood spilled. And the best
news: We pretty much broke even on all
the money we spent. The actual number is
around -$100.00, but given that we put in
$2,500 into this, that's damn good.
Cold Fusion was transformed into a big
draw concert this year. We got Bif Naked
to come out and play for us (with LiveOn-
Release and Crowned King).   You'll note
that this year's ACF lineup doesn't include
her. Why? Cuz we got her first. In order
to get her, we put down a huge wad of cash
and set our ticket prices fairly high (for typical UBC standards, anyway). As such, we
brought in a ton of money from ticketsales,
but we still didn't sell out. So we ended up
approximately $6,500 in the hole. Not bad
at all considering we pumped about
$16,000 into it. Plus the concert kicked all
ass. Had a great time.
Other than that, it's all good. The SUS
office is fully functional. The microwave
works. The 75 cent pop machine works.
The 5 cent photocopier works. The couches work. The computers work (most of the
time). We've got a fully equipped lounge
for all you Science folk out there. Come
onout and use it.
As a final note, just wanna say that I've
had a great time with this Exec position,
even though I haven't expressed it at times.
I've gotten to meet some cool people, make
some good connections, and have had a
good time, overall. Hopefully I'll be able to
continue doing this. If not, I'll move on to
bigger and better things....like the
I suddenly feel very dirty. Excuse me
while I go take a shower.
Social Coordinator
Katharine Scotton
If you didn't make it to the SUS AGM,
then here is a little run down of the
awards I gave out.
Outstanding Contribution Award went to
Lars Jungclaus for coming to every event
and helping whether or not I asked him to
help! That award also goes to Sebastian
Cogswell for taking the initiative to seek me
out and offer his help. And for always making sure I was having a good time at the
event, regardless of how many tasks I was
trying to accomplish at once!
Extreme Attendance Award went to mYk
for attending more social committee meetings in one day, than I did!
Ironman Award went to Andy Martin for
packing risers up the stairs for Cold Fusion
after I collapsed on the floor from exhaustion.
These next awards I called the Bar
Awards, which were for my girls that
gave themselves nametags while pouring at one of my beer gardens. Way to
go Grrls!
Bar Babe Award went to Julia Haber for
being the best Bar Babe and Fire Girl I
Bar Bitch Award went to Natasha Szucs
for being the best Bar Bitch and having the
best aim.
Bar Slut Award went to Corisande Baldwin
for being the best Bar Slut and being a
Look out for the next and last event, which
is Friday, March 16th. Come to our annual
St. Patty's Day Bzzr Garden in the SUB Partyroom. Please note that the time for this is
5:30 - 9:30, not our usual time. Come for
the GREEN BZZR, come for the LUCKY
CHARMS, or come to drown your sorrows
when ELE TION RESULTS are announced!
See you there!
Sherry Yang
From the exciting Secretary files,
comes news of the first ever Science
Career Expo for first year students.
The Career Expo is an event that will be
held to help first years realize the multitude of diverse career paths that are possible with a Science degree. Highlights of the
evening include a key-note speaker and a
selection of two panels from a choice of six.
This shin-dig will be held at 5:30pm on
Tuesday March 13th in the Woodward
Building. All Science first years are welcome and the RSVP goes to career.ser-
And you thought Secretaries were only
good for mintues :)
You CAN check those out though - On our
SUS website: http://www.sus/ams.ubc.ca.
Other news on the Secretarial fore front
include what I think is an really exciting
initiative to look forward to. The Impacts
Committee (which deals with Social, Econ-
nomic and Environmental Sustainability)
of the AMS will be holding a week-long
Waste awareness event by putting all the
waste that is produced by the SUB into
clear plastic garbage bags and piling them
up in the SUB concourse. Even after just
one day - each student walking throught
the SUB will see just the degree to which
waste that is produced by the SUB.
The image will hopefully be striking
enough to
Here's looking forwad to the Garbage in
the SUB week.:)
Tim Chan
hope everybody is getting through the
term ok. Remember that if you have a
clash with your final exam schedule to
report it to the Registrar's Office right
away. And even if you don't have a hardship by the university's definition, some
profs can be quite accommodating. It
never hurts to ask.
Also, SUS executive elections are coming
up soon. Get out there and vote because it
is your manifest destiny!
FYC Presents:
Canned Food Drive
Cans can be dropped off at SUS
(Hennings 102) or any other
box around campus
March 19th-April 4th.
onlu time
tuttQfu people exist
L^rtrldtmaA Idn t   th>
^Jhl6 5prlna, tnlnk
of tnode le55
fortunate ana donate
a tew cand of food.
Support the Vancouver Food Bank
—**. Page Twelve
14 March 2001
Andy Martin
Andey in the Jar
a    s the more popular half of the world
/\ awaits St. Patrick's Day and it's
A. JLpromised overindulgences, few people know, nor care, about the origins of the
Well, I do know the origins. But like you, I
don't care, and won't bore you with petty
details. What we do care about is the fact
that on this day, we can hit the Irish-wedding-reception level on the Drunkometer
and not only be forgiven for it, but actually
be in step with the rest of the crowd.
But more than the actual activity of the
day, from the 'Irish Beers' to the attempted
re-enactment of 'Lord of the Dance' after
ten shots of whiskey, I love the downright
irony of the holiday. I love the fact that a
holiday in celebration of the accomplishments of an actual, honest-to-God saint is
one of the largest rituals in drunken
debauchery of the year.
Much like the other St.-holiday we just is
such an exercise in sex. One month it's sex,
and the next it's drunk. The chronology
usually doesn't go in this order.
And I don't really have to analyze the even
more recent Mardi Gras for you, do I? You
just should be reminded that the good
Christian people 'we' are celebrate the
beginning of Lent, the ultimate period of
self-denial, by rioting in the streets and
throwing fake beads to see a little hootie.
Jesus Christ, people. Even Jesus' great celebration has become a holiday synonymous with greed and consumerism. No
wonder the commies hate him so much.
They must hate chocolate too if they don't
celebrate his death and resurrection
(...Easter, you ifindels!).
[Side note: If Jesus gets two major, State
recognized, holidays, why doesn't God get
Pulling Irish Eyeteeth
even one? He kind of did create the universe and everything. God Day would be
super keen.]
What I see is that every single huge 'religious holiday' is chock full of godless activity. We need to take a good, long look at
what the church preaches and what the
holidays it created end up telling us to do.
In my book actions speak stronger than
words. God actually does want us to be
happy, but unlike the kind of 'happy' the
church wants us to be through giving, turning the other cheek and self-denial, he
wants us to do it the easiest way possible:
drink, eat chocolate, fuck, and buy, buy,
We should be shallow, lying, cheating,
adulterating bastards. I've tried it the other
way and it just doesn't quite work. It's gotten me into a lot more trouble than being
evil would.
Anyways, the magic number in the bible is
seven. Everything is numbered seven.
Seven deadly sins, seven days in creation, 7
churches, 7 seals, 7 trumpets, and a whole
bunch of'7' multiples of hebrew characters.
'There is just 'an incredible phenomenon of
multiples of 7 that could not be explained
by chance...appears repeatedly as a symbol
of divine perfection .'*
Yet, there are ten commandments. An
extra three were probably put in the fill
space so the bible would fit the required
pages without having to put in some keen
picture off the internet in to fill a quarter-
page. Trust me, I'm an editor, these things
happen a lot more often than you, those
around you, your family, friends, pets,
casual acquaintances, especially your casual acquaintance Frederick (Fred for short
(who's last name you never bothered to
ask)), would ever possibly imagine. So you
can pretty much go and disregard three of
those commandments. Just don't tell God I
told you you could.
Hell, the way this is going, I might be up
for Sainthood in a hundred years. They
already relaxed the standards for becoming
a saint, maybe they could relax them just a
bit more. Mother Teresa didn't have to cure
shit after she died, but they let her in anyways. All it takes is a massive ad campaign.
What could I be the saint of? I'd love to be
the Patron Saint of Drunkards, but that's
taken by St. John of God. Pray to him when
you wake up hanging by your shoelaces
from the CN Tower the night after. Saint of
Pot? Well, Bob's got that wrapped up and
dropped. Rock and Roll doesn't have an
official Saint, but mostly because the Pope
can't decide wether Jimi or John Lennon
saved the little child from the oncoming
Barring nerdy Saint designations like
Final Fantasy addicts or Mp3 bootleggers,
there really isn't much I could lay claim to.
Honestly, I'd probably be best suited as
the Saint of Those That Get Screwed Over
When It's Not Their Fault at All.
Registrar's Office screw up and de-reregister you from U.B.C.? Pray to St. Andy to
absolve your sins before you take
vengeance. Boss surprise you by 'rewording' your project proposal hours before
bringing it to committee, losing you the
grant and six months employment? Pray to
St. Andy before sending Photoshoped pictures of him and Ron Jeremy to his wife.
Get radiation poisoning because your
roommate broke the safety mechanism on
the microwave door and didn't tell you?
Pray to St. Andy, because that's what I'm
here for. We've all been there, and we all
need help from time to time.
Just as long as there's a day of debauchery
in my name on the Christian calendar,
that's all that matters.
So when my chopper goes down this summer and you get the new fatal strain of
haemorrhoids, who ya gonna call? Well,
after St. Fiacre, Patron Saint of Haemor-
rhoid sufferers?
The Gospel According to Andy:
And a bunch of people begat a bunch of
other, younger people. And it happened a
whole bunch of times. And two of those
began Andy. And Andy was special.
Because, in the year of Our Lord, 2001, he
didst come to the top of the mound. And
from there he didst preach, though none
listened. He preached of the evils all
around us.
He didst say:
"Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's
wife, his sister is much easier. Well, now
that I have thine attention, let me sayeth
that Shit Happens. Shit Happens to us all
and all we do is shaketh our fists towards
God, blaming him for it all. I come to you
to say stop your naughty ways. God's
feelings are hurt. He gave you life and all
you can do is cuss at him. Shaketh your
fist no longer at God. Look to those
around you, shaking their fists towards
God. Now turneth and belt them. For no
reason. You all need to know that God
does not dictate all. God did not give your
opponent a Full house. God did not cause
your lover to go gay. When you are
wronged such as this, you need to shrug
your shoulders and say 'what the hell'
and go on living. Take comfort in what
you can. And all you ladies can take comfort in me."
At which point thousands of women, and
men pretending to be wom'en, flocked to
the mound and took comfort in His presence. And they didst get funky. And they
found that it was good.
[Note: Anybody of serious Scottish decent
is right pissed, and right pissed off by the
fact that I haven't mentioned that there's
already a St. Andrew's Day in honour of the
Patron Saint of Scotland. Simmer down
brothers, and sheath those dirks. There's
actually 23 recognized St. Andrews. I'm St.
Andy and my day would probably be called
Andymegasuperfun Day. 'Cause I want it
* (http://www.yfiles.com/seven.html)
March 16th, 2001
5:30 - 9:30 PM
SUB Partyroom
I drint^ to %oar $zklfij yf)en I'm vitf) %oa,
I drin^ to %o%? J^affi) vt)m I'm^tene,
I drin^ t o^o&f f>eattt) so-ofjen^
I'm starting to vqtz% abocrt m% ovh!


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