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The 432 Jan 26, 1998

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 'If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" ~ Disillusioned Vegan
Radical Beer Faction
Sweeps AMS Elections!
"Shit." -AMS General Manager Bernie Peets
Juan Q. Fibble
Political Correspondent
Earlier this morning, Alma Mater
Society Elections Commissioner
Kaaren Vliig made history by
announcing the results of the 1998 AMS
Executive Elections.
"I'm very proud of these results. They
were a year in the making, the result of
hundreds of hours of intense research,"
stated Vliig.
What makes these results so remarkable
is the 1:1 correspondence between the
ballots counted and names collected on
poll booth sign-in sheets. All past AMS
elections displayed various voting irregularities, with some years having a bal-
lot:name ratio as high as 3:1.
"It's remarkable," stated current AMS
President Ryan Davies. "I never thought
I'd see the day of an honest election at
UBC. Now if we could only get the voter
turnout past 15%."
In addition to the voting ratio, another
remarkable fact about these elections
was who was elected.
For the first time since their inception
in 1988, the Radical Beer Faction captured elected offices. All of them, in fact.
"I'm surprised, actually," stated RBF
President-Elect John Hallett. "I mean,
what kind of lobotimized eunuch would
vote for a political party that promised
to bankrupt their stu-    	
dent union within the
year? It's absurd."
Hallett won the
President's seat with
37.2% of the popular
"Something has to be
up. 1 don't buy all this
'fair election' crap.
Think about it. Six
morons with the collective political savvy and charm of a
bunch of diseased yaks make off with the
elections? I don't think so. They must
have fixed them," stated Presidential
Candidate Shirin Firoutan.
RBF Campaign Manager and AMS Vice-
President-Elect Jake Gray responded to
Foroutan's comments. "I think the
exceptional performance of the RBF is
evidence that UBC students finally got
to vote for who they wanted. The RBF
has lost nine consecutive elections. The
AMS has had nine consecutive crocked
elections. Coincidence? I think not."
The  student  population  had mixed
opinions on the credibility of their new
"They're not going
to raise tuition, are
they?" asked a concerned fourth year
commerce student.
Mike VanWeelen,
an engineer, was
skeptical that the
RBF would uphold
their eletion pomis-
es. "I want to see 10
cent pints," said
VanWeelen.    "And
that drunk tank in the art gallery... I'm
waiting for that."
UBC President Martha Piper, meanwhile, welcomed this year's AMS executive with open arms. "The population of
this university has spoken, and it has
elected the Radical Deer Faction. I hope
to begin talks about the cancellation of
beer gardens right away. I have already
sent them a memo, stating that no deer
will be harmed in any way."
I've said it before
and I'll say it
again. Democracy
just doesn't work.
—Kaaren Vliig
Critics Question
Election Results!
Pierre Croissant-Rouge
Fradulant Correspondent
UBC (Reuters)
Following the surprise victory of the entire RBF slate during
last week's election, numerous complaints and charges of
irregularity were sent to AMS ombudsperson Michael
Kingsmill. "I've literally been flooded with complaints", complained the disoriented Kingsmill. Nearly all of the 2038 complaints, most of which were scribbled on the back of unused
Action Now posters, either implicitally or openly charge elections commissioner Kaaren Vliig with corruption. Chief
among the complainants is student politician and right-wing
activist Shirin Fozroutan. "It's a disgrace", says Furoutan,
"there is clear evidence that: the elections commissioner disregarded legitimate complaints of irregularity, including one
lodged during the All-Candidates Meeting over two weeks
ago." According to the complaint, Kaaren Vliig was bribed
$4.32 and furthermore had "something going on" with one of
the RBF candidates. Vliig flatly denies the charges: "1 don't
know what you're talking about. I had never seen any of the
candidates before the elections. I don't know any of the RBF
candidates, and I have never worked with any of the RBF can
didates last summer, nor have I ever invited any of them to my
parties." Oddly enough, Vliig was seen posting a new set of
Smurf stickers to all of her personal belongings. In the course
of this reporter's investigation, it was established that the
Thunderbird shop sells the same stickers for $4.32.
"That's horrendous!", gasped ex-presidential candidate Vivian
Hoffman. "How can students have any trust in the democratic system if the elections commissioner can be bribed so cheaply? It's time for students to express their opinion on this most
serious matter." At the time of writing, student activists James
Pond and David Borins were organizing a sit-in at the top of
the Clock Tower. "It's time we showed this university that we
won't just be played around by corrupt AMS officials," said
Pond. "We're also going to sue the pants off the AMS. Even
though it's student money we're suing them for, it's got to be
done to show the students who's boss around here: special
interest groups." Ryan Davies, the current president of the
AMS, was quick to react: "We must be careful not to leap to
conclusions. Yes, James Pond may in fact win his lawsuit and
yes, we may in fact loose our budget to him for the next 276
years, but we must not make any decisions. If we wait it out
and imagine it doesn't exist, it might go away." None of the
RBF candidates-elect were available for comment.
P[mS| Official 1998 AMS
l\\li/! Executive Elections
^W^ Results
Shi>Ti iorcjtsjn |SfS|
Vivian HufliMin LAN J
11 0
John Hallett [RBF]
Tufal IS VdllVEt'll [l|
Jake Cray [RBF]
Ne "iia Sunik [SIS|
Naiim Kara |AN]
Director of Administration
Cr:iq Bavis [PIBJ
26 1
hd Fidior |SfS]
Jen.'iny Thorp [RBF]
M'lhii: BuAdniiijC'iAN]
O'S 7
Set- Miirr.hf.i [!{
02 -'
\1iif..!. i Crl'iiMM" | ]
0-'- 0
"if'Ci .1
1'. 4
Coordinator of External Affairs
Kvjii Marsha, jSfS|
20 X
Johan Thornton [RSF1
()(.! -d Ml/l..h |A\:
Spt iii
Director of Finance
Mikey Boetzkes [RBF]
Sandra Matsuydma [ANJ
Jossp Sims [l|
Patrick Lum [PIB]
Oidham ienft ISfbJ
Winson Cheung [1]
Alexander C hwi [1]
11 4
Chr s Gorman [1]
Malthieu Maftei [RBFJ
Karen Sonik -l|
04 {
Spo Is
These results have been checked
and verified by the AMS Ombuas
Any errors in these results are the
responsibility of The 432, and not
the AMS Elections Commissioner. PAGE TWO
26 JANUARY 1998
Director of Pub!
Jer Thorp^c
Bella Carvafijito
John FourrtSer
Jay Garcia .-Jpg
Jenn Gardy  v.,- ?
Jake Gray        A
John Hallett   .
Aarne Hamalainen
Craig Temple
Jer Thorp-i-.
Henry Wong     ^
Edrick Yu    X§?A
Jake Mckinley®^
Printers y «f*
College Printers, jfj
Viancouver, BO
Local 341'2?>
Attn. EdH»r,
c/o The Deart
The University of Bi
6270 Univei
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(604) &&„..
The 432 is the official
the      Science
Society, published
by a small man nam
underestimate him
size.   Small  people f£ij
All opinions express!
strictly those of the in
ers and not those of The
Science Undergrad S
Writers and cartoonists
ulties are encouraged..,
material to 77ie 432,
The 432 is copyright?
Science Undergraduate"
UBC and may not be 1
whole or in part
written consent
A few
words on politics.
The end of my second election is
nigh and I've learned a few things
which could be of use to the general populace. I realize this could be a
major change to the scope of my articles,
but some things just have to be said.
This could seriously help most people
out there who really don't give a rats ass
about what goes in the world of student
politics. Why should they? The AMS is a
bunch of dorks sitting around whining
about insignificant details of insignificant problems that only affect 3 students
on campus. But I'm getting a little off
topic, not that our leaders being losers
isn't an important topic, but it's not my
goal to insult the little weasels in power.
So here's a few points one should take
into account when dealing with local
Number one: politicians have no opinion on anything. If they do, they'll hide
it, turn it around, spin it, twist it, and
spit it back as your opinion. This is for
the simple reason is that opinions are
dangerous to a campaign. Heaven forbid
you should offend anybody.
Unfortunately this doesn't explain the
extraordinary popularity of Don Cherry.
I wonder what would happen if Don
Cherry ran for office. Sweeping landslide
victory or disastrous defeat? I'm sure if
he did lose he'd let everyone know how
dumb they were for missing out on the
opportunity of having Don for a P.M.
Number Two: Nice teeth are absolutely
essential to gain power. At least lasting
power. People are not going to follow
some gap tooth mouth breather, unless
you're playing hockey and your name is
Bobby Clarke.
The nice thing about student politics is
that you don't need the support of anybody once you're in. It's quite possible to
say 'screw you' to every last one of your
voters, and rely on apathy to ensure that
anybody trying to impeach you won't be
able to get enough signatures. Case in
point: SFU. Their recent student president was caught downloading fifteen
megabytes of seriously deviant pornography on to the student server, and the
rest of their council couldn't get the
twenty-five hundred signatures needed
to impeach the sick puppy. Now I'm not
talking about a few erotic photos of the
lovely female form here. He was getting
pictures involving all acts of human
degradation from some of the grossest
sites on the web. But, he had a nice
shiny grin.
Number   Three:   winning   politicians
never talk about concrete action. They
talk about abstract concepts called "policies" and "plans." These don't actually
exist. They are excuses for dealing with
difficult questions.
"What are you going to do about the
lack of funding for Albanian Midgets
with Foot Fungus?"
"I'm glad this question came up because
it is a very important issue which affects
people on campus deeply. We at
"Stuntmen for Stuntmen" have an excellent plan which we will institute our
policies and deal with this scourge
which has ripped our campus into tiny
little pieces." See, the question has effectively been dealt with while not actually
answering anything.
People eat this shit up. How else can
you explain the NDP being in power?
Who actually believes Glen Clark isn't
an evil imp from the third planet of the
Rigel system bent on the domination of
the earth and the end of the human race.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't
mean they're not out to get you.
Jake Gray, having recently won the AMS
Vice President seat, is currently drafting a
"policy" for the removal of his foot from
his mouth.
The editor kills some
space (Editorial).
Ah, to be back in the driver's seat
again.  Yes,   that's  right.  After  a
long and fun-filled break, Hallett
is the editor again.
"How," you might ask, "did he manage
such a feat?" Or maybe you're asking
"Who let that sicko out of the hospital"
I am, after all, the only 4.32 editor brave
enough since Pat Redding to re-introduce campus to "How to Castrate Your
Cat at Home." Of course, Jer brought us
the "Princess Die" doll...
Anyway, here's the deal: After successfully winning the 1998 AMS Elections I
declared myself King of UBC in a press
conference earlier this morning. Kings
need propaganda machines. Since one of
my first ten acts as king was to abolish
The Ubyssey and hang everyone Who
worked there, I decided to use The 432,
the other bastion of campus sanity.
"So why not keep Mr. Thorp on as editor?" Good question. Jer also declared
victory in the AMS Elections and now
finds himself the new AMS Director of
Administration. He is currently too busy
administering direction to edit papers.
Monarchs, being figureheads, have lots
of time between beheadings to publish a
newspaper. And that's how I find myself
in charge of this rag once more.
So what am I going to talk about in my
first editorial as King of UBC, he said
eyeing the clock as it edged towards 2am
while thinking about how to kill the rest
of this editorial space?
I could review every story written. I
could beg the public to contribute to this
here fine rag (or decree it, now that I
think about it). But nah, that'd be too
boring. Since I figure that I'll soon
appoint Jer the Prince of Greater
Publications (thereby making him editor
again) as well as make him the Duke of
Administering Direction (because everyone needs to be the Duke of something),
I figure that I'll use this space while I can
as only an editor can. That's right: gratuitous grand standing and self-horn blowing. So strap in for the biggest ego trip
this side of Dennis Rodman. It's going to
be a wild ride and I don't give out
refunds, baby.
As king of this here university, I plan to
accomplish dozens of brave new initiatives, most of which I didn't tell you
about during the election campaign.
First, I will turn the top three floors of
South Gage Tower into my personal
chamber. Every student currently residing there will be compensated with a keg
of beer, to be consumed at my house-
warming party which commences on
April 1st and runs until August 12th,
after which we will begin the six month
Festival of the King's Birth. Monarchs
know how to party, just look at the
Roman Emperors. They would come
back from conquest and have a 100-200
day-long festival packed full of over-
gorging, binge-drinking, orgies, and
drunken brawls. All capped off by the
feeding of a few christians to some lions.
Man, those were the days.
Of course, we can't party like that now-
a-days. Political correctness demands
that we not feed christians to lions anymore. We'd have to use grizzly bears, seeing as lions are endangered, poor bug
Second, I will tear down East and North
Gage Towers to improve my view.
Students currently residing there will be
given no compensation what-so-ever.
Heck, we might not even give them
Third, I will declare the endowment
lands a separate and sovereign country
from Canada after stealing the Stanley
Cup. Trust me on this one, we can get
anything we want from Canadians as
long as hold good old Lord Stanley
hostage. No questions asked.
Fourth, I will have Buchanan Tower
intricately carved into my likeness. Hey,
haven't you always wanted a seventeen
storey tall self-portrait?
Fifth, I will reinstate the Chariot Races.
While these still do happen on occasion,
inter-faculty rivalry has dropped off. Just
wait to see what those crazy guys come
up with when I give them a budget of
$150,000 and a jackpot of $4,000,000.
Good entertainment has to result when
you combine an absurdly large cash
prize with a no-holds-barred high-speed
Sixth, and lastly, I will hire Mexican
bands to play on every street corner on
campus. This combined with pinatas,
ticker tape, and those guys on stilts will
make campus a wonderful, happy place
where students sing openly with each
other and tequila flows like a river.
Well, that about wraps up my self-
absorbed speil. I sure hope you enjoyed
my vision of things to come.
I now return you to your regular programming. 26 JANUARY 1998
Why Tyranny    Ask Dr. Temple
Works for Me.
Frenchy Maftei
Disgruntled Political Correspondent
Over 12000 years ago, Sod the
Hunter was happily running after
gazelles near the Euphrates when
he happened to fall upon a small hut.
Now, Sod was a smart guy. He realized
that if he could scare the shit out of a
gazelle, he could do the same to another,
smaller human. So he entered the hut,
bashed the inhabitant's head in and
declared himself king. Unfortunately,
Sod had overlooked the fact that he
ruled over nothing, not even his own
bodily functions, since there was
nobody else in the hut. So he herded a
few gazelles, stuck them in the hut, and
ruled over them. I'll skip over the details
of the manner of government that Sod
the Hunter employed, but I'll say that he
started something that has lasted until
today: tyranny.
Our parents and our teachers have told
us time and again that if something ain't
broke, don't fix it. Now, any half-brain
would realize that if tyranny was faulty,
it would have either been fixed thousands of years ago or it would have been
discarded. But tyranny is still around, so
the conclusion that imposes itself is that
tyranny is a viable form of government.
Yet for the past two hundred years, people have been experimenting with a new
thing called democracy. Now even the
Cookie Monster will tell you that democracy is bad. Let's Use the UBC Alma
Mater Society as a case of why democracy is bad.
1. Nothing gets done. Everybody disagrees, and nobody can ever get
anything done. And if something
gets done, its totally crappy and its
only value is the entertainment it
provides as it is throw, in flames,
out of the top floor of Gage. An
example, you ask? The Yardstick.
2. The president is a figurehead. For
that matter, the entire AMS council
is a figurehead. They may talk a
lot, take decisions, pass motions,
shake fists, demand referenda and
the like. But do they act on any of
their proposals? Nope. It's the
bureaucracy that gets anything
done around here, the employees
of the AMS who stay in their positions for more than one year at a
3. Democracy requires the participation of more than the members of
the government in power to work.
Well, that's not happening here.
Does the average Joe Blow student
even know what's going on? No.
Hey 3'ou, reading this in your
Physics 102 class instead of paying
attention to the prof, do you know
how much the AMS makes on the
Thunderbird shop lease? Do you
know what the Thunderbird Shop
is? Do you know what the AMS is?
Are you breathing right now?
Didn't think so.
4. Even in a democracy, continuity is
necessary. That's why federal elections are held every 4 years, not
every year. The AMS hasn't clued
in yet. At UBC, the path of the
average student politician goes
something like this: Year 1, you
find your feet and try to figure out
what the hell is going on here; Year
2, you run for a council position in
an undergrad student society; Year
3, you run for an exec position in
said society; Year 4, you run for
AMS and lose; Year 5, you run for
AMS and win, then you get your
degree and it's off to the real world.
And then everybody forgets all
about you or your accomplishments, and it's back to square 1.
Anybody remember who was the
president of the AMS in 94-95?
Neither do I.
So there we have it, kids, democracy
does not work at UBC. This is where
Captain Tyranny comes in to save the
day: less referenda and more lopped off
heads. That's how things get done. And
thugs. Lotsa thugs. And a guillotine in
the SUB Plaza. And a bottomless pit in
place of the Tbird shop. And a big comfy
chair for me.
Frenchy plans to use his recent victory in
the AMS elections as a springboard to
world domination. Hail King Frenchy!
Craig Tempfe	
Do not take his advice. We mean it.
Well, Science Week is in full swing and hopefully most of you are getting the
most out of the twelve dollars extorted from you by the great faculty of
Science in September. For those of you who don't know about Science
week, I will briefly explain. Starting Monday there has been a constant supply of free
pizzas every day at lunch in SUS, tables set up in the SUS (none of which has a giant
crossword puzzle), and lots of cool stuff like magic shows and free bags of gold being
handed out. All this is dwarfed by two events. Wednesday there is the Comp-Sci Car
Rally, this consists of getting a team of people, one staying sober, and drinking all
the free bzzr your livers can handle, piling into a car, and driving around looking for
things to steal. The chances of being involved in a fantastic auto wreck are quite high
for those participating in this event. The second event to watch for is the BPP Trike
Race on Friday. As one might suspect, a team of people, including a T.A. or prof, races
around in circles for a few laps, after each lap a full bzzr has to be chugged. Due to
the condition of the trikes, most notably the serrated handlebars and the wheel
spikes a la Ben Hur, several spontaneous body piercings are expected and E.M.S. with
tetanus shots will be standing by. So, for all those interested in self-mutilation, and
who isn't, this week looks very promising. One guy who is quite an authority on the
subject recently wrote me the following e-mail:
Dear Dr. Temple,
Hi, I've always wondered if the letters in your column were real, or if they were
made up. I guess, since this is printed, they are indeed authentic. Anyway, I'm
writing to ask you whether there is such a thing as too much stretching. I practice my Yoga exercises on a regular basis. For a few hours a day I get into position
by putting my legs over my head and practice my cycle. During my cycle I control my physiology; I slowly begin to increase my heart and breathing rate, purge
myself by issuing guttural sounds, then as the cycle comes to an end I contract all
the muscles in my body, and end by unfolding myself and sinking into a deep
muscular relaxation. I have found this technique to be extremely relaxing, and
recommend it to everyone. I do have a problem however, and I'm wondering if it
is a result of my stretching. My problem is that my back is quite sore almost all of
the time now. Whenever I exert myself there is a shooting pain that runs up my
spine. Some days it is so bad that I can hardly get out of bed to eat or use the bathroom. A possible cause of my aching spine could be the fact that I had the bottom two pairs of ribs removed. I had this surgery about four months ago to help
control my athsma. The doctor in Tiajuana told my that the surgery would make
breathing much easier. I am wondering if the lack of support that those two ribs
provided could be the cause of my suffering. Any suggestions that you have will
be very much appreciated, thank you very much.
Jason Eliot
Well Jason, I want to say that I understand what is happening and I see that you
would prefer a solution to your problem other than the cessation of your stretches.
Unfortunately, your case is a perfect example of Darwinism in action. There is a reason that the human body has 24 ribs. Having any less, as your case illustrates, can
have certain effects on the natural progression of your life. It is this reason that any
mutated humans having 20 ribs quickly died out due to malnutrition. The only way
to stop your pain is to give up your daily routine of stretching, and opt for a life with
perhaps less spiritual fulfillment, but certainly more comfort.
As you can see through Jason's experience, although it may seem that self mutilation is the ultimate way of showing someone that you care about them (This, I
believe, is Hallmark's new slogan), it usually winds up causing you or small rodents
great harm.
As always, if you have any medical questions, you can email them to Craig at
<drtemple@unixg.ubc.ca>. He'll be glad to add a little amusement to your life.
The    ll*h.   Annual
BPP Tryke Race
Friday, January 30
12:30pm sharp.
SUB South Plaza
All proceeds go to the Food Bank or
Children's Hospital
Prizes and trophy to be awarded!
The Hne Print:
Co-ed teams of 6. Registration is SIS/team, or $10/team
and 5 non-perishable food items. Register at our office
(SUB 69) Jan 22/23 from 11:30 to 1:30pm
Add a little amusement to your life.
Embarrass your friends.
Goto <http://www.dejanews.com> and perform
a search on their email addresses!
You'd be surprised what turns up!
Embarrassment has never been so cheap. PAGE FOUR
26 JANUARY 1998
Where's Eddie
Edwards when you need him?
Miindy Seymour
On her way to Nagano
When I refer to freestyle, I am of
course referring to freestyle
skiing, not the freestyle event
in skiing. Freestyle is an up and coming
sport with four events: aero, aerials,
moguls and the new event, dual moguls.
Dual moguls is being introduced for the
first time at the Winter Olympics in
Nagano in February. While very few
Canadians actually freestyle ski,
Canadians dominate the sport. In the
Lillehammer Olympics, Jean Luc
Brassard won gold in moguls, Philliphe
LaRoche won silver in aerials, and Lloyd
Langois won a bronze in aerials. Lately,
Canadians have been especially sweeping the medals at the World Cup events,
such as the one in January at Blackcomb
Freestyle is a unique sport, with roots in
the "hot dogger" movement in the 70's
in Whistler and in the States. The sport
has its own lingo, which may pop up in
this article. Fortunately, I can translate.
Step #1: Pick up a cute Quebecois accent
and pick up chicks at various dance clubs
in Montreal. Make a reputation for yourself as "quite a playboy" like the golden
boy himself, Jean Luc Brassard. Make the
English-speaking girls scream by pronouncing your "th's" to sound like "t's."
You know, say "broters" instead of
"brothers." (And "brotel" instead of
"brothel" -ed.)
Step #2: Join a local freestyle ski team.
There are eight such clubs in BC including a club at Grouse and a club at
Blackcomb. Pay an arm and a leg to join
the club and buy insurance for competitions so if you break your remaining leg
you can sue the pants off of organizers.
Go to the zone competition in Northern
BC and place first in moguls after pulling
a cosack-360°-cosack for your second air.
[Translation: a cosack is a move in which
you attempt to point your skis vertically,
all the while hoping you can still have
kids. A 360°, well you should be able to
figure this one out, is a full spin the air
with legs together and arms by your
sides. Follow this up by another cosack.]
During your jump, narrowly miss taking
out Uncle Jim and the twins by keeping
your poles low so as not to hurt a partic
ularly tender spot. Or if you're some
kind of sadist, you could whack yourself
with your poles. Either way, all the
freestyle chicks and groupies at the bottom of the course will ooohhh and aaah-
hh over you, and you ego will increase
Step #3: Go to Jr. Nationals and kick
butt. Go to Sr. Nationals and do the
same. Kiss butt to the National Team
coaches and get promoted to the
National Development Team. It's really
this easy -1 swear. Well, actually it's only
this easy if you're a female. There are not
nearly enough women in freestyle and
nearly anyone can get on the National
Team. On the other hand, male freestyle
is cut throat competition to get onto the
Step #4: Compete at the World Cup and
win. This will get you promoted to the
National Core Team. By this time you
will be a broke bastard considering leaving the sport because you've spent a fortune on World Cup competition fees and
airfare to Europe. Damn the government's cuts to funding for sport. Become
famous for your patented iron horse
jump.  Date  Isabelle  Brasseur  (whoo-
Pre-Med Hopeful
Jake McKinlay'98      _ 	
VfcM KE< 7gUCftfS TH£ VlERATHIffr fft&gg...
"ZBtwtem&m woo w*tm
WWMi YOV TAlKltffr
&wi?om of wq?j?
you lA£»M^0M P0M'
fit CM£M mcDlH6-KYCH£0euC
iHeseTrwsvv casts its
UHtTlHWt THE CKOt/ltdwS.
op we camw owgoy. km* %
•wro 7Hi*5 HUTeey.
AMP SO, THg 0V&r Uk 1Hf HBJTH fffflfc.
hooo). See, there are some pluses to
being a world famous freestyler. That,
and you get lots of free stuff from sponsors that you can sell on the blackmar-
ket. Cha-ching.
Step #5: Revel in your fame and glory as
you go to the Olympics and win gold in
the moguls event. Get yourself a deal
with Pert Plus, so you can provocatively
wash your hair while nude in the shower on national TV, and say the catch-
phrase "I love to fly" five times in one
Note: Remember, freestylers can do
backflips and cool jumps, and are generally very flexible. That and they are
trained to have high endurance and
high cardio vascular. Just thing what
they can do in bed?
Mandy Seymour was recently seen at
Whistler Mountain landing a cosack without correcting in time. Ouch. They'll be
digging her out as soon as the spring thaw
04 (February
>missions must
least 500
in length.
;, writing for
U32 does
is volunteer
hours for sucking
up to future
companies. 26 JANUARY 1998
of the brain.
Repressed memories aren't usually a
topic reserved for after-dinner conversation. After all, no-one wants
to hear "Hey, Dad, can you pass the
salad, and while you're at it, could you
explain these weird flashbacks I keep
having of participating in weird Satanic
rituals held in the shed out back?"
Comments along these lines are usually
met with polite skepticism, out-and-out
scorn, or, occasionally, nervous laughter.
And with the recent acquittal of Michael
Kliman (who'd been accused of sexually
assaulting two former students who had
based their accusations on memories
they had "repressed" for fifteen years),
even less validation is accorded to victims of repressed memory.
To this I say: Hogwash. Repressed memory is a creditable and naturally verifiable means of burying those unpleasant
incidents that happen to crop up over
the course of one's life, albeit in a somewhat lesser form than that experienced
by people visited by unspeakable horrors
earlier in life. Regular repressed memory
is to this as Pez is to crack.
Repressed memories are the only way
that a person can be expected to survive
the day-to-day problems that plague
normal life. I mean, who wants to
remember visiting a public toilet and
seeing the Turd that Ate Manhattan
floating calmly in sea of fluorescent-yellow piss. Or, for that matter, how about
running into that utter ditz whose
speech center and mouth are directly
hardwired together on overdrive, entirely bypassing the tact, thoughtfulness
and good taste filters. Rather than reacting in a potentially deleterious manner
(either retching uncontrollably or by
slugging the fool into unconsciousness
and blissful silence), the brain acts to
activate the internal memory repression
On balance, there exists one fact which
might help to explain the mechanism of
repressed memory. The average human
being only uses about 1/10 of their brain
for processing functions like breathing,
digesting food, waste processing, and,
somewhat rarely, thinking (for more
conclusive proof of this, observe either
of The 432's editors attempting to chug a
beer). In any case, Nature is rarely wasteful, with the possible exception of the
appendix, although it might be that
Nature had foreseen the arrival of limited medical coverage, exorbitant hospital
fees, and the doctors who have the
annoying habit of charging these fees at
the drop of a hat (or, more appropriately, the swelling of an appendix).
Anyway, Nature had probably intended
for the other 9/10th's to be used for
something besides being a glorified
shock absorber. I propose that this excess
brain matter's purpose has to do with
pure memory storage. If everything that
a person absorbs in the course of their
life is processed and stored, and only a
fraction of these events are ever actually
recallable (largely because a large proportion of life tends to be repetitive and bor-
ing-which is largely the same thing-and
therefore insignificant), then this points
to some method of "deactivating" memory. Since nothing is ever forgotten, then
it can be concluded that, in fact, "forgetting" ma)' be seen as a specialized and
awfully common instance of memory
However, in this fast-paced modern age,
people, besieged with an overdose of
information from every available source,
forces the brain to be more selective
about what it retains as "useful information." However, this often results in the
retention of utterly useless trivia, like the
words to Cardman's South Park "Bitch
Song", or the name of the singer who
performs the "Sunshine and Lollipop
song" in The Simpson's. Further, more
useful facts, like a term's worth of lecture
notes and the contents of your textbooks
are often shunted to the lesser used areas
of the brain.
This theory comes in especially handy
when confronting a professor after a particularly traumatic exam. Say you'd
flubbed your Genetics midterm (to pull
and example out of thin air), and you're
once again in your prof's office begging
for your academic life, you can claim
that, due to repressed memories involving your lectures, notes, and textbook,
you were completely unable to recall
upon the answers during the exam itself.
Inevitably, the prof is, at some point,
going to exclaim "But you're a Genetics
major." Here, once again, repressed
memory comes to the rescue as you
reply "I was traumatized by genetics as a
kid. My Uncle Bob was a geneticist..." as
you trail off, blush and attempt to look
somewhat victimized. This is likely to
result in a favorable situation for you
and your grades in general.
In all, there's only a limited time left to
pull this off, as with every passing day
the validity of repressed memory syndrome is left on ground increasingly less
stable than that of Richmond's soil in
the event of a large earthquake.
What jay Garcia fails to realize is that
his occasional epileptic fits are a direct
result of a repressed episode between him
and an actor playing Big Bird in a local
school play. Try it! Just walk up to him and
say "Snuffleupagus" to him some time! It's
great fun!
Impress your mother.
Advance your career.
Reipel marauding saucer aliens.
Write ior The 432.
Andy's Church
of Bright Lights.
Andy Martin
Religious Correspondent
Hello Sinners. This is the Reverend
Andy of Andy's Church of the
Really Bright Lights (no relation
whatsoever with Ted's Church of the
Really Bright Lights). And I come before
you today, in the presence of God to tell
you one thing: You... Are... A...SINNER!
Don't deny it! You are all sinners!
From nose picking to adultery, everyone
has sinned in front of our lord and will
pay dearly for it on the day of reckoning!
Even you, the Lord sees all you do. That
thing you did last week...He saw you. Yes
I am talking to you. You are going to hell
in a hand basket unless you confess your
sins and allow yourself to be purified.
A few days ago, a man came to me, an
ordinary man just like everyone else. He
said he didn't know if God loved him
anymore. The cracker factory in which
he worked had been devoured by
locusts, his wife had just left him for
another woman, and he was recovering
in hospital after being hit by a broken
piece of Mir. With tears in his eyes, he
asked me: "Doesn't God love me anymore?"
I took his hands in mine and looked
deeply into his eyes and whispered: "My
child, Of course not." Then I yelled "You
have sinned against him, why should he
love you when you do this to him." At
this time, the man started to weep. I
comforted him by telling him that there
was a way to cleanse himself and to
regain God's love. All he had to do was
to perform Andy's Holy Act of
Purification and all will be forgiven. The
Act consists of touching your unclean
pen to the pure, ivory white of Andy's
Holy Donation Form, given to me directly by God on our first meeting. Mere
contact with The Form cleanses all black
deeds from the sinner. The larger the
number on the line, the more the sin
would be forgiven. You see, Andy's
Church of the Really Bright Lights has
the answer to all of your problems.
Now I'm know that badgering you on a
street corner or offering you free pizza is
not the way to bring you into the flock.
Instead, I leave it to you to make the
decision for yourself. But know this: God
is on my side and even if you don't
know it, you are making God angry with
your false religions. Can't you see the
tears in my eyes? Can't you hear my
drawl? I don't want you to burn forever
in a cauldron of boiling blood with Adolf
Hitler and Marv Albert. I want you to
live in a city in the sky, playing hockey
with me and Mother Teresa.
And why is Andy's Church of the Really
Bright Lights so much better than these
so called 'religions'.
Well, firstly, our priests are guaranteed
not to be pedophiles. Perverts yes,
pedophiles no. Secondly, our hymns are
led by Andy's Band of the Really Bright
Lights. That's right, no organ music,
only Rock and Roll. Thirdly, as we recognize that you are a sinner, we know that
Sunday mornings are reserved for hangover recovery. So our services are on
Sunday nights, starting at 7pm and ending at 8 with a sermon on the big screen
from Saint Homer, whose likeness
ordains the stained-glass window next to
the Saints Larry, Curly and Moe. That's
another thing, our services are only an
hour and a half long, and we never,
never repeat ourselves. Lastly, our Bible
makes complete sense and never contradicts itself. We even threw out this Adam
and Eve crap and replaced it with Peter
and Poly Chimpanzee. Hey, it might not
have happened exactly that way, but we
aren't going to burning people at the
stake or sending armies marching across
Europe to make other people believe
what we do.
That's enough advertisement. Please
open your 'Bible 2' to the Book of Calvin
and Hobbes, Chapter 7, verse 2.
Following our reading, the offertory
hymn "Creeping Death" (hey, its about
God!) can be found on page 154 of the
blue book. The Reverend Andy himself
will take his holy strata caster and lead
you in praises to the Lord.
Peace be with you.
*■     Alas, the monkey has
escaped again. The best
way to catch him wiil he an
^0 unorganized, drunk search
k   party. Yep, you guessed it
Time for another enriching...
Friday Jan 30th @ 4:32 pm
Biology 2449
A loonie fills your mug with
nutrients. Also cheap cider and
hot dogs to tempt the marsupial. f, ,„ >     'y .,\s.   '*"}>'
Charity Bzzr Keg Roliing • 12:30 - 15:30 • SUB Plaza
Paper Airpiane Contest • 14:00 - 16:00 • Norm Theatre (sub)
Physics Magic Show • 12:30 - 13:30 • Hebb Theatre
BioSoc Gyotaku • 12:00 - 14:00 • SUB 214/216
CompSci Car Rally • 16:30 • SUB Partyroom
CompSci Bzzr Garden • 18:00 - 22:00 • SUB Partyroom
Party Under the Stars • 17:00 - 20:00 • The Telescope Gold Panning • 12:00 - 15:00 • MacKinness Field
Modern Geological Dig » 12:00 -15:00 * MacKinness Field
BPP Trike Race • 12:30 - 13:30 • SUB Plaza
Scavanger Hunt JuDGiNi • 12:30 - 13:30 ® SUB Concourse
Crutch Races • 14:00 - 15:30 • Between Angus and Chem
MicroBi Homebrew Judging • 1§:30 - 18:30 • WESB 238
Cold Fusion • 18:30 « 00:00 * SUB Baiiroom
10:00- 17:00 • CHEM B160
12:00- 13:00 • CHEM B160
10:30 - 15:30 • SUB CONCOURSE
10:30 - 14:30 • SUB CONCOURSE
10:30 • 14:30 • SUB CONCOURSE
10:30 - 14:30 • SUB CONCOURSE
Canadi>n Airlines PAGE EIGHT
26 JANUARY 1998
Science  Week   Events
Yen   May  Net  Have
• Genetics Talent Show.
See the amazing pig-elephant and the monkey
with four asses.
• Pre-Proctology Lathroscope Slide Show.
Sponsored by CNIMAX.
• Physics 4th Anual Cairn Air-Time Contest,
Break last year's record of 38 seconds. Look out
Surrey, it's not a bird, it's not a plane, it's a 9 ton
chunk of cement hurtling towards you at 300 Mph.
• Chemistry Designer Drug Cook-off.
Winners in each category will be the ones to make
the judges: A) Try to grab the Sun. B) Require
restraints and muzzles. C) "Wig out."
• Biology Animal Kingdom Kumatai.
This Year Round 1 is Lion vs. Shark Round 2: Hawk
vs. Poodle. And Round 3: Dingo vs. Baby.
Brother's Restaurant
1 Water St, Gastown
Karoake & Dancing
in the bistro
Fridays and Saturday @ 9PM
no cover - 99^ appetizers
special beverage prices
Chem Club presents
the amazing explosive
Chemistry Magic
Tuesday, Jan. 2 7
Thursday, Jan. 29
12:30-1:30 pm
Be There
Be prepared to be
Blown Away
Science Week '98
I am Grillor,
ear me roar.
Miss Jenn
Late-night TV Correspondent
I like infomercial stuff. I love infomer-
cial stuff. If I had a million dollars I'd
buy every product going on late night
TV. I want to remove unsightly hair
quickly and painlessly using Patented
European Technology. I want to miraculously thaw frozen poultry using a Space
Age Cryocarbonic Titanium Polymeric
Ultrablend Alloy. I want to be able to
perform simple veterinary surgery in my
own home, workplace, or recreational
vehicle using my E-Z-Clean 4000-in-l
Home Vet Kit And Pasta Machine. Until
I can remove hair and julienne vegetables at the same time, I have to settle for
the big shiny thing that came in the mail
a few weeks ago. I now own the Grill
Express G250, or as Boyfriend dubbed it,
the Grillmaster 2000.
The day it came, there was no way we
weren't eating grilled stuff for dinner.
That morning there was more excitement in the house than there was at
Christmas. It was just like Christmas
actually, except there was only one present, we had to pay for it, and there were
no reindeer pulling the postal truck.
There was a squirrel smushed under the
tire, but no reindeer. Ok, maybe it wasn't
like Christmas. But it was a day. In winter,
Before we grilled anything, there were
dire warnings on the box that we had to
watch the video before attempting to
cook. Mum, Boyfriend, and I sat glassy-
eyes down in front of the TV. First was
the mandatory idiot warnings. Do Not
Immerse In Water. Do Not Place Hand In
Grill. Do Not Place In Ass. When we
ordered the GrillBuddy 3000, Placing It
In Anyone's Ass was not one of the big
selling points. As a matter of fact, it was
pretty far from our minds. But you know
someone out there did it if they had to
put the frikkin' warning on the video. I
guess if you have a really small kitchen
and needed someplace to store it, your
ass might seem like a good spot. Or
maybe not.
After a lot more warnings and a recipe
or two ("If you have accidentally placed
your hand on the hot grill, why not use
it to your advantage? That intriguing
flavour will have all your dinner guests
coming back for more...") we were finally qualified to grill something and we
knew just what to do if somebody did try
to put the GrillPal 6000.48274924 somewhere inappropriate. Incidentally, what
you should do in that case is Run. Far Far
We spent a few days busting a gut over
the video and then decided that maybe
we should actually getting around to eating. So we did and boy, was it fun. But
not half as fun as explaining to the
emergency room doctors why everyone
had a GrillFriend 3.149256 up the backside.
I have to say that if I had to be stuck up
anyone's ass, I'd like it to be Miss Jenn's.
The Faculty of Science Presents
A lecture Series
for All Science
It's new and it's for you!
"Visual Development
and Plasticity: How
Using Your Brain Changes It*
A Science First! Lecture by
Dr. Max Cynader
Department of Ophthalmology
Thursday, 29 January 1998
12:30 - l;30f Room 100
Wesbrook Building - UBC
QUESTIONS?   CALL 822-9876 26 JANUARY 1998
You Just
Can't Win.
Breeone Baxter
Head of Complaints
I have come to the realization that I cannot have it both ways. Damn. I am referring to the reconstruction of the north sidewalk of University Boulevard, otherwise known as "that pile of dirt across from the bus loop". Throughout last year,
I cursed the rain gods every single wet day while I was forced to walk down this sidewalk. With every puddle I stepped in, I thought, damn puddle *splash*, damn leaky
shoes *splash*, damn rain *splash*. I asked myself everyday, why can't they fix this
darn hole-y sidewalk?
New school year. Just for a bit of context, I have an extremely early class in
Westbrook. This necessitates my trudge down from the Village along the sidewalk in
question. So imagine my surprise, when one day, I was stopped by a orange plastic
fence. No, not like the APEC fence. This fence kept people OUT of the area. (In, out,
IN, OUT) This fence kept me off of the sidewalk. Couldn't walk on the grass.
Couldn't walk on the road. The flag persons waved their signs and blew their whistles at anyone who tried to meander on the road.
So I am forced to cross University Boulevard, at great personal peril, not once, but
TWICE. Pre-dawn at UBC is not a friendly time for a girl between classes. I was being
inconvenienced, goddamnit! Screw the pipes! (an interesting feat of the physical) I
don't like crossing the street! Then, one cold, dreary, miserable, dark, grotesque,
revolting, brutish, freaky, raining November day, it struck me. They were FIXING the
bloody sidewalk!
I hate it when I am wrong. There I was, all full of safe-righteous indignation, and it
finally worms through my exam-muddled brain that I wished for this inconvenience. The moral of the tale? Never, EVER wish for road construction. Never. In fact,
never wish for anything.
Due to my inability to find an appropriate segway, I would like here to interject
Breeonne's Lesson in Life: Part 2. If anyone can remember a few months ago, I wrote
a message about fire alarms. I tried to impart some general knowledge to my loyal
readers. And guess what? It either didn't sink in, or no one read this paper. In interest of saving my job (Job? I thought you had to get paid to classify a job), I choose
to go with the second assumption. So, I now present my next lesson. Ready? Good.
Bus drivers. Stop groaning, I know you've been done to death with transit articles.
But hold on. I'll be done soon.
I get irritated at the buses too. But I am not so much PO'ed by the drivers, as by the
other riders. I know how stupid people can be, but please. Bus rides must make people stupid, or else I'm far too nice. Uh huh.
I also have worked with people. My Mcjob, remember? Anyway, if you work with
people for too long, you start to hate people. People in general are irritating. I would
like to point out a few occurrences.
Most people obviously don't understand the concept of a timetable. When the
bored and frustrated driver pulls the bus over to let his timetable catch up, there is
the odd idiot who voices (very loudly) the driver's sanity, intellect and parentage.
You know, I am just as frustrated, but I understand the use of a timetable and the
uselessness of bitching at the driver. If the driver IS a moron, bitching isn't going to
get him or her to speed the vehicle up any. All these loud irritating people do is piss
off the rest of the bus. So stop it. Stop it now. Or I will hunt you down.
And yes, the other rules still apply to transit riders. Don't sit on someone's lap. No
flatulence. Be aware of your own body odor. Don't drip your umbrella on my shoes.
Don't hit me in the head with your backpack. Don't try to cheat the driver, you only
delay the ride. Remember these rules. Or else the rain gods will sick a Rabid Blue
Fuzzy on you.
oBC Microbio/ogy Q
Microbrew Judging!
DATE:  Friday January 30
TIME: 4:30-6:30
PLACE: Wesbrook 238
BRING: As many samples as
you can!
ITRYCOST:  $5.00
Or $4 and 1 can of food
PRIZE: $50 first prize
CONTACT: Winson Cheung to sign up
Special "Last Minute" Mystery Mixed Bzzr Category! _
Mix any 3 beers (at least one Canadian beer)! Best tasting takes all! Cool prizes!
"Unravelling the Knots of Science/' A lecture by Dr. Dole Rolf sen
27 January 1998 • 14:30 • Math 100
Students forum on changes in the Math Department.
Present with Ibe Math Head Dr. George Bluman and other faculty.
29 January 1998 • 12:30 • Math 100
Paper Airplane
Monday the 26th of January, 2 pm in
the Norm Theatre. Paper will be
provided* Prizes for longest flight, most
loops, and coolest design. No premade
planes may win prizes, but do bring
them for inspirtion.
I love these new terrorist
seeking missiles!
Bring your friends, cause hey,
there's no law that says you can't
drink before flying these planes.
In fact three seperate
government agencies recomend
you have at least three pints
before attending this contest.
Actual planes may vary depending on materials
available. May or may not include surface to
air tieat seeking missiles.
Having problems with pumpkins®
leing chased hi chatnsaw-if ieiding piiiesi1
Are there bugs under your skin?
Did you say Yes to at least one of the above? Well,
The 432 has the answer for you!
After many years of hard research, government
bribes, and more Health Canada work-arounds
than we d like to talk about, we ire proud to introduce 432 Laboratories, Inc. s own line of mood-
altering drugs: Proritazan!
Just killed your extended family with a blunt
instrument? You might be mildly depressed.
Proritazan-480B is the drug for you.
Have you seen Elvis? Have you talked to Elvis? Are     ;—_
you Elvis? Proritazan-15 can help you. Its rare *fc*Z^*'
combination of seratonin-enhancers anil metham-
phetamines will! sooth you out of your bllue suede shoes.
^GS&^r ±xwt
Necro-zoo-pedo-eopro-philc? Aside from taking
pleasure from being a complete and utter sicko-
freak, you can take Proritazan-432C. Designed to
smooth out those midnight urges.
Athsmatic? Allergic to airborn particulates? Got some
spare time to waste between classes? Proritazan s
new line of inhaler products is the solution!
Is your furniture smoldering? Are your pets on fire?
Are you on fire? Proritazan-98FE is the solution to
your problems! Just point and spray!
proritazan™ Is not endorsed by Health Canada or any major pharmaceutical companies.
Users of Proritazan'" may potentially experience any of these side-effects: bloating (25%), coughing (5%), genital marts
(8%), masslue anal bleeding combined with explosiue diarrhea (46%), jaundice (18%), nausea (4%), hair loss (94%), fatigue
(33%), death (12%), or spontaneous combustion (3%).
Proritazan" should be kept in a cool place at all times or mild radioactiuity could result. The makers of Proritazan'", 432
Laboratories, Inc., and their parent company, The Science Undergraduate Publications Society, accept no responsibility for
any personal harm due to misuse and/or use. PAGE TEN
26 JANUARY 1998
No. Really.
Recently I was sitting in The Gallery
enjoying a fine, fine pint of Russell
Christmas Ale (Christ may be dead,
but his beer lives on), when I happened
to notice a psychological profile quiz
lying unsuspecting on the table. No
doubt this particular piece of paper had
been deposited there by a member of the
PSA. They're always spreading mischief
of some kind.
Anyway, I thought that completing this
quiz might be the best way to complement my rapidly disappearing beer. So
with pen in hand, I began.
The  instructions were  simple.  They
requested that you simply imagine the
scenario presented in each question and
respond with the first thing that pops
into your mind. You know, kind of like
those word association tests where the
psychiatrist says "father" and you snap
back "pain! Oh the pain! Make him stop!
Make him..." Er, but I digress. So I did,
and here are my answers. Keep in mind
that I was jotting these down as fast as
they came to my mind. I wonder what
Freud would say?
1. You are walking in the woods. Who are
you walking with?
A fire-breathing penguin. Only he's
actually an Albanian midget smoking a
cuban cigar, but he thinks that he's a fire
breathing penguin. Since he's also packing a .44, I'd humour him.
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an
animal. What kind of animal is it?
A fire-breathing penguin! Don't you listen? Man, you remind me of my dad. I
hate my dad. Do you think that that's
significant, doc?
3. What interaction takes place between
you and the animal?
Hmm... guess pa wasn't significant. Let's
see, the penguin bums a light off me
then tries to lift my wallet. Little scam-
mer, I outta stuff him or something.
4. You walk deeper into the woods. You
enter a clearing and before you is your
dream house. Describe its size.
Well, it's not so much a house as a really big cardboard box. You know, the kind
really big things come in. Like fridges,
stoves, or libraries, I guess. But the trick
is that the inside has a fully stocked bar,
a four car garage, and a chandelier. Just
proves that you can't judge a book by its
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a
No. It's a box, doc. Boxes don't have
6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining room table.
Describe what you see on and around the
Aside from that bloody penguin, there's
not much on the table. In fact, it's not
much of a table. It's more of a big piece
of head cheese.
7. You exit the house through the back door.
Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is
the cup made of (ceramic, glass, paper, etc.)?
The cup has been intricately carved
from a large wad of belly button lint.
The local peasants, who carved the cup,
are standing nearby worshiping the cup.
8. What do you do with the cup?
I get that urine sample my doctor's been
bothering me about.
9. You walk to the edge of the property,
where you find yourself standing at the edge
of a body of water. What type of body of
water is it (creek, river, ocean, etc...)?
Definitely a big splotch of water hover
ing in midair. I don't know how it got
there or why it doesn't fall to the
ground, but what you gonna do?
10. How will you cross the water?
By kicking it in the shins and sleeping
with its wife. Man, that'd really cheese
me off.
Do you think I'm nuts yet? I don't. And
to prove it, I'll include what these questions mean just for reference. It took me
quite a few days of flipping through psychiatric textbooks to come up with these
meanings, so you can be assured of their
accuracy. (Actually, they were printed on
the back of the form, -ed.)
1. The person you are walking with is
the most important person in your life.
I don't know how much we can get out
of this one because I don't regularly hallucinate and see fire-breathing penguins.
Purple-spotted giraffes, however...
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception o the size of your
Penguins aren't very big, but they aren't
terribly small, either. I might be better
off if I had said 'mosquito,' but mosquitoes don't breath fire or carry guns,
3. The severity of the interaction you
have with the animal is representative of
how you deal with your problems (passive, aggressive).
Hey. Just because I tried to taxaderm the
penguin doesn't mean that I don't like
4. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your ambition
to resolve your problems.
I see. So my ambition is very large, but
folds up neatly and can be recycled into
lined paper.
5. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times.
The presence of a fence is more indicative of a closed personality. You'd prefer
people to not drop by announced.
Come on by anytime! We can have wars
with those little packing styrofoam
6. If your answer did not included food,
people, or flowers then you are generally
What's happier than an Albanian
midget and a big pile of head cheese?
Uh, hmm...
7. The durability of the material with
which the cup is made is representative
of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person from number
1. For example, styrofoam, plastic, and
paper are disposable; styrofoam, paper,
and glass (ceramic) are not durable; and
metal and plastic are durable.
So... my relationship with an imaginary
fire-breathing penguin who isn't really a
penguin, but instead is a cigar-smoking
eastern block midget with firearm fetish
is pliable and acts like a good strainer?
8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude toward the
person in number 1.
Heh heh.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual
I don't quite know how to interpret this
one either, but my girl friend answered
"big blue ocean."
10. How wet you get in crossing the
water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.
Not even going to try.
So anyway, there it is. Try it on your
friends. Have fun at parties! And remember: your not insane until They catch
you and stamp "insane" on your head.
Dead Pool
reetings, fans of Death! It's the post-Christmas season, when people are too
busy going to funerals to chew off a mouthful of shotgun sandwich, so things
have been slow.
One of our most recent stiffs was none other than Sonny Bono. When will people
learn? Skiing, speed, and trees are a dangerous combination.
In other news, look out for falling popes. Yes, that's right, Pope Jean Paul II almost
keeled over on his face at a recent mass baptism in Rome. Only a quick reflexed bishop stopped the pontiff from cracking his holy head open on the church floor.
Poor health has plagued the aging holy man for some time now, so it's only a matter of time before that old man stops blessing followers.
So keep an eye open on his current trip to Cuba. The tropics are notoriously terrible on people with poor health. Maybe he'll stroke out or something.
Now for Who's Weak This Week:
1. Frank Sinatra. I don't know what to say! I'm surprised he's still breathing. You're
surprised he's still breathing. He's surprised he's still breathing. This guy's been on
top of this list longer than he was on top of the billboards. Someone breath on him
or something.
2. Pope Jean Paul II. Lots of tourists get mugged and killed in Cuba each year. Hey,
I can hope, can't I?
3. Mark Messier. Hey, it's a long shot, but not making the Canadian Olympic Team
can be really, really depressing. And $18 million can buy a lot of drugs and shotguns.
We could get lucky...
Car Rally
Wednesday, Jan 28 @ 4:32
SUB Partyroom
• Prizes!
• Games from EA Sports!
• Free Food!
For info email csss@ugrad.cs.ubc.ca or come by our booth in the SUB.
Pre Medical Society
A Race with
m,, JJ u.   %rJL %-\^-.-1   ■..^^■ilJ
for Science Week
on Tues. Jan 27 at 2pm
Location: between Angus & Chem.
Fee: $2 or a food donation for the
Foodbank. All proceeds go to BC
 Children's Hospital.	
Dem Dar Drawers Duh SUS.
Bella Carvalho
Aarne Hamalainen
Another week, another exec report. At least this week there's lots of stuff going on.
First of all, there is (as you all should realize by this point in the paper) SCIENCE
WEEK!! I'll refrain from giving a spiel of all the different events, since I've no doubt
Phil will go into all that. I do however, challenge both AUS and EUS execs to a trike
race, Friday at noon, SUB plaza (don't forget to bring a prof, TA or dean). There are
tons of other great events happening during Science Week, so check out the posters,
and come on out.
Now, Now, for three SUS stuff going on. On January 16th, SUS hosted the 3rd "Your
UBC Forum", where a panel of faculty and students answered questions about the
University's budget and how the money should be spent. There was great turnout,
and overall the forum went well. Thanks to all those who came out, I hope your
questions were answered.
In the world of politics, the AMS elections are now over. A word to the wise: in
future years (especially if you're graduation and not going to be here to feel the
repercussions) sell your vote!! It's amazing how much free bzzr you can get!
'Till next time, that's all. I hope to see a bunch of you at all the events this week!
Mikey Boetzkes
Social Coordinator
Welcome back to this wonderful place called school. I know that this is a little late
but I've been sleeping or the past 3 weeks and have only just woken up.
So what's new in the land of social stuff. Well when I woke up I realized that yes I
did lose my entire budget plus a little last term and it wasn't just a bad dream. Once
I realized this I thought about how I could get more money to spend in some irresponsible way. Then, it occurred to me. Science week is coming up. I don't have to
look for more money, they're going to just give me more money.
This of course means that I have to do some more organization and work. And in
my usual form I don't know exactly what is going to happen but we're getting in
some bands and a lot of bzzr and psider and yes we're going to have shuuters again.
Rumour has it that it is going to be a buck a bzzr. Mmmmm cheap bzzr. So come on
and join in the fun this Friday (Jan 30th) at 6:30 and join us all for a really good
evening that none of us will even remember. Oh what could be more fun.
Henry Wong
Hey people, Science Week is coming, and with all those exciting events on the
menu, 1 hope to see all of you out there!
Now to my report...There appears to be a large contingent of stationary snatchers
masquerading as students who hop into SUS whenever I refill the SUS stockpile of
tape, scissors, exacto knives, glue, telephone pads, makeup, gemstones and gold. I
realize that new shiny glossy stationary is extremely attractive and tempting, but
please refrain from stealing too much. Afterall, why would kind Science kleptomaniacs enjoy overworking and torturing their favourite secretary by sending him to
the bookstore constantly? There's only a certain limit as to how many times a person's superego can listen to the "BEEP" of laser-reading barcodes before losing control of the ID, remembering the thousands of dollars he's offered in tribute to the
Bookstore and going completely bonkers. In addition, I'm losing my reputation as
a tasteful guy by purchasing so much glue. In fact, 1 can just hear them whispering
behind my back about my addiction to glue-sniffing. (Now if it were cough syrup,
I'd have other opinions...nevermind)
In case you're always completely stoned like me, I'd like to reiterate, "QUIT STEALING THE G@!D*&N MOTHER F@*KI@G SHA#!"
P.S. Go take a Psyc class to understand all that Freudian "science" that I just referenced.
Thank you and have a nice day.
Yasi Yooo ft®@ <&ajj write'.,.'3
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Director of Sports
Yay! Science is the top Faculty as of December 31st I think there are more teams
registered this term, I won't know until the Point comes out with the first update.
Rebates went well last term, there are still a few waiting to be picked up at the AMS
Business office. If you don't know what you are picking up (ie: Disbursement or
Cheque) pis let me know. Storm the Wall is still in the works, so keep an eye out for
advertising. There are still a few tourneys left this term, such as Softball, 3 on 3 BBall
and Racquets. The SUS hacks have 5 teams this year, if anybody is interested in playing in Corec Futsal or Ultimate, let me know before the end of the month(It's free).
The Hockey pool is pretty close at this point: Hell's Angels are in 1st and there is a 3
way tie for 2nd (Vipers, Game Misconduct and Iced Slickers).
John Foumier
Internal Vice President
Keep you eyes open and your ear to the ground because Teaching Excellence Awards
are on their way. Be on the lookout for nomination forms conveniently located on
the SUS poster board outside CHEM B160 or in major science buildings. Nominate
your favourite prof and tell all your friends!! Everyone's doing it., it's new, it's hip,
it's cool, it's Teaching Excellence Awards! If you are interested in getting involved
with the committee that handles the Teaching Excellence Awards (or you want any
other SUS information), send me an email at johnpf@unixg.ubc.ca. Happy to help!
Edrick Yu
Public Relations Officer
Welcome back everybody. I hope that everybody enjoyed their Christmas holidays
while I was still wondering what I am heading into as a result of some unexplained
academic disasters. Right now, I guess everybody can start putting bets as to whether
or not I will be back to Science next year. Current odds are: Yes 30%, No 50%, and
Fail Out 20%.
By the time that this article goes public, 1 guess that it will already be the start of
Science Week. So here are some exciting events that I hope everyone will participate:
The Penny Drive will go on all week. A large glass jar will be placed close to the
entrance of the SUB Building. As usual, all proceeds will be going to charit)'.
Whether or not the charity organization will provide beer for the needy ones, I don't
have a clue (I believe that our beloved editor should know), but regardless of what's
going to happen, I think that you all should be giving up your fortunes in order to
be blessed.
Another event that will go on all week is the Inter-Club Can Food Competition, or
whatever it's called. Whichever club gets the most cans per member will win the contest. So if you have joined Pre-Med because you think you are a super-keener, you
should be supporting your club; if you have joined the Chem Club because you
don't want to be ripped off too much on your purchase of old Chem exams, then
you should be donating cans of food to that club. It's that simple, isn't it? The bottom line is, if you don't want the food bank whining about the lack of food it has
by Christmas, then you should act now by generously donating cans.
The first day of Science Week will see a Scavenger Hunt going on throughout the
entire day. Scavenger hunts are always exciting, but with SUS, the hunts are even
more exciting, because nobody does things better than we do (well, maybe except
alcohol consumptions). There are tons of cool prizes to be won, and the cost for
entering the competition is just $2 for a single person, $5 for a team of whatever
number of people you want, and half price with the purchase of any SUS merchandise. Again, all proceeds will go to charity.
I believe that we are going to have the beer keg rolling event again this year. Last
year, this event was a blast. For those who missed it last year, you wouldn't want to
miss it this year. All you have to do is to roll the beer keg in a specially designed circuit in the shortest time possible. This year, there are even more prizes to be won.
Again, the entrance fee is $2 per person, $5 for a team, and half price with the purchase of any SUS items at the sales table in SUB. Of course, all the proceeds will be
going to charity.
In AMS news... Apparently there is not much going on (well, actually there are a
lot). By the time this paper is published, the election should already be over, and we
will have a new person in every single AMS executive positions (trust .me, this is no
By the time that this paper is published, the Thunderbird Shop issue should be
around again. Not too long ago, the AMS Council voted 18-14 in favour of not
renewing the lease; this time, however, it is everybody (you and me) who will decide
whether the AMS should negotiate a new five-year lease with the Thunderbird Shop
or not. Keep in mind that this is your opportunity to show the AMS about your sentiment. Never mind about those so-called campus media. Never mind about whoever in the AMS says. This is your say. You get to decide. The only thing that you
need to know is the following: this referendum is about whether or not the AMS
should generate more income by putting an investment into a new student-run only
business. However, before deciding yes or no, you also have to decide on whether it
is appropriate for the AMS to go ahead with such business practice as to "kick out"
the Thunderbird Shop, which is probably one of the long-lasting traditions in the
That's all I have to say for this Science Week issue of The 432. Enjoy the Science
Week, go to all the events, and drink lots of beer (applicable to mature students only;
immature students should drink Nestea or Coke instead). Have a fun and safe
Science Week!
26 JANUARY 1998
Got Milk?
(or: 'Why not to be a writer')
Salman Rushdie must be pretty
pissed off. To most of us, being able
to walk outside to pick up the morning paper without having a hollow-
tipped bullet scream by your ears may
seem like a good thing. But, after 10
years of fugitive life, it must seem a bit
odd. Back in '89, the British Secret
Service used to assign the best of the best
to protect Salman from the evil forces of
Islam. These days, the Rushdie Squad
consists of three retired police dogs, two
shell-shocked Irish Royal Constabularies
(both named Padraig,) and an overweight mailman named Ted. Salman
Rushdie's life is about as exciting as a trip
to the drywall factory; the sad thing is
that it's a lot less dangerous. Here's how
a typical day starts:
<Ding Dong>
Salman: "I'll get that" (Heads to door)
Padraig: "Sir, I think we oughtta open
that door. You never know who may be
waiting to do nasty things to you. Back
in Belfast, lads used to drop door bombs
all a' the time."
Padraig: "Aye, they did. Bastards, all of
'em. Well, the Catholics, anyhow."
Salman: "Actually, I'm pretty sure it's
Jim, the milkman. Usually pops 'round
at about this time..."
Padraig: "Don't even get us started on
milkmen. I could'na look at a drop of
milk for nary a year after the Great Dairy
attack of '75."
Padraig: "Aye, Paddy, ain't that the
Salman: "Fine. Get the door. Just hurry
up before Jim gets ticked off and leaves,
like yesterday. I had to use creamer."
Padraig: "Yes, sir. Right away, sir."
Padraig: "Be back before ya know it, we
(Padraig returns five minutes later.)
Salman: "Who was it?"
Padraig: "The milkman, sir. Jim, I think,
was 'is name."
Salman: "Did you bring the milk?"
Padraig: "That's the thing, sir."
Salman: "What's the thing? Where's my
Padraig: "Well, ya see, sir, we had to
destroy the milk. Coulda been poisoned,
you see. Back in Belfast, we'd have to
destroy the milk every morning."
Padraig: "Aye, the dogs loved it when
the mailman came. Except, of course,
when the milk was poisoned. Then we'd
have to destroy the mailman. Poor lads.
Just doin' their jobs, I suppose."
Salman (irrate): "Jesus fA*xing Christ! I
need some god-damned f$&xing milk!
What the hell am I going to do without
milk?!? I don't see a f%#xing cow anywhere, do you? I see a fat mailman, a
couple of mangy dogs, and two lep-
rechans! Where the f$%x is my milk?"
Padraig: "There's some creamer in the
I'm not a psychic, but I'm pretty sure I
can tell you exactly which eight words
are running through Salman Rushdie's
head right now: 'I wish I hadn't written
that damned book'. 'I'm going to shoot
that damned mangy mutt' comes close,
and 'I wonder what Margaret Atwood
looks like naked' is also in the running,
but in the end, the first guess wins.
For the first little while, it must've been
pretty cool. Being shuttled across the
countryside by quiet (and strangely
attractive) spy-types, chased by evil
knife-throwing assasins, and mastering
the techniques of disguise; it's enough to
write a book about. Even in the early
90's, Mr. Rushdie was still very much in
the public eye. When he was brave
enough to make public appearances,
even the richest of the rich regarded him
with awe. This man attracted the
paparazzi like a topless ex-princess on a
pleasure cruise. He was, as they say in
the biz, the man.
It's only in the last couple of years that
things have gone downhill. The local
college newspapers have recently started
rejecting the author's interview requests,
and local cable would much rather run
Martha Stewart's Living.The last person
to take a picture of the author-in-hiding
was a German tourist; and that's only
because he mistaked Mr. Rushdie for
Hector Elizondo (from TV's Chicago
Hope). A radio station in Belgium recently reported seeing Elvis on the streets
Antwerp; when it was revealed that the
man involved was actually Salman
Rushdie, the radio station apologized
profusely, and feilded calls from hundreds of dissapointed listeners. It's a sad
state of affairs for Mr. Rushdie, particu
larly if you consider all that he's been
The conflict resulting from the Verses
told us just how much we value free
speech. Not as much, perhaps, as Mr.
Rushdie would value a brisk walk in the
park, or an ice cold glass of milk, but
enough to risk a war over. Back in '89, we
were ready to take a stand. On behalf of
a little Indian man who wrote a book, we
were ready to raise arms and fight. Now,
nine years later, we couldn't give a
damn. Even the Muslims don't care
about Rushdie. These days, he sits at a
meagre 49th on the Most Wanted
Heathens list, just above Ricardo
Montalban, but still far below President
Clinton, The Pope, and Gary Coleman.
Last year proved that the Muslims are
still dangerous ('Dodi, don't you think
the car is going too fast? Why's the driver speaking that strange language?
What's a jihad? <SCREEECH! BOOM!>),
but the only danger that Salman faces
from anything Middle Eastern are heartburn and over-priced Egyptian cigarettes.
My advice? Shave of that mustache,
wear a Mets hat, and go get some milk.
Worse corns to worse, you'll die a hero.
Then, when people of the future look
back on this man we call Salman
Rushdie, they'll think not of a angry hermit, looking for a way out, but of a hero,
who gave his life so that we could publish anything we want.
l  r
^ FOR $2!
S   1
b        bo!


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