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 5
VOLUME SIXTEEN ISSUE ONE
3 SEPT 2002
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'Being pussy-whipped is a small price to pay for regular sex/
-Anonymous
Nursing to be Made Prerequisite
for Medical School
Program to begin in 2006
(Vancouver, Reuters)
In a press release released yesterday, the
UBC Faculty of Medicine announced a
drastic change to medical school
entrance prerequisite courses. Starting in
2006, a bachelor degree in Nursing will be
a requirement for entrance into medical
schools in British Columbia. This allows
for current university students to complete
their degrees without changing paths.
However, students currently entering their
first year of university will either have to
change majors or enter the School of Nursing in their third year.
"While we made a commitment to double
the amount of trained doctors in B.C., we
need to maintain the quality. Requiring a
degree in Nursing meets this need by giving students a broader medical knowledge
before they enter medical school," said
Advanced Education Minister Cheryl
Band. "This plan will allow all British
Columbians to obtain world-class medical
treatment at any medical facility in the
province. Students being trained in government-funded facilities will be secure in
the knowledge that their education will
secure them the best medical training. Of
course, the government will work closely
with the student offices to ensure adequate
funding and loan facilities exist for the possible increase in program time."
Reactions to this announcement differed
greatly among students interviewed at
UBC.
"It's not fair. We need more freedom in our
courses. The Nursing program seems so
intense, I can't memorize that much at a
time," proclaimed first year Alisson Chong.
Chong was one among many disgruntled
first year students.
Only one in four applicants actually gets
into medical school, and many first years
who start off with the intention of going to
medical school do not even try applying by
the end of their degrees. "It's sad really,
where do all these potential doctors go?
Why aren't they entering the health field?
If they really wanted to help people, they
can't find another way," sighed political
science major Jennifer Matheson.
Well, now there is an alternative. By
requiring Nursing as a prerequisite to
Medical School, even those who fail to get
in will have some medical training and
may decide to become nurses instead.
Additionally, it leaves the student some
marketable skills as a back-up.
Part of the province's government motiva
tion behind the change in requirements is
the continued nursing shortage. "Part of
the drive stems from the fact that, on average, there are five fewer nurses per hundred patients than even 10 years ago, and
that discrepancy will only increase as the
patient population ages and the baby-
boomer nurses start .to, retire," said Dr.
Timothy Vorzt, statistical researcher: with
the B.C Institute of Research. "If the
province's doctors also have the training
and knowledge to do the job of not only
physician but also that of registered nurse,
the province can cut back even further on
nursing salaries and recruitment. If you
have one person doing the job of 10, there's
only so much more you can pay them. This
new plan by the government is money in
the bank."
The plan is not without support on the
ground. Backing up the new decision is
third year biology student Chris Zachari-
ah. "It's a good idea. If you really wanted to
help heal people, then you'd be set with a
Nursing degree. If you didn't get into med
school, you'd still be able to work in the
health field."
Although opinion is split, Minister Band
doesn't believe that the decision will be
repealed. "This decision, paired up with
the increase of students admitted into
medical school, should help the health care
professional shortage. Making nursing a
prerequisite for medical school will help
weed out the people who are attracted
only by the large salary and prestigious
title, making way for those more dedicated
to medicine and helping people. In turn,
those unable to get into medical school can
exercise their skills as a nurse, and could
also apply for medical school later, or
maybe remain a nurse."
Despite the fact that this decision is currently only affecting first year students,
opposition has been strong. "You do realize that preliminary studies show that people get absolutely obsessed about becoming a doctor," commented first year Tricia
Menkes. "I mean, if I can't be a doctor, I've
really only got two options. I can either
end my now-pointless soon-to-be-biology-
major life now, or I throw my life away
slowly, getting drunk every night, skipping classes, and having meaningless sex
with total strangers in public to see if it can
make me feel any kind of emotion."
In unrelated news, members of the
Necropheliac Club and of most major fraternities are vamping up for a more active
semester.
TML TAKING LOT (5 ftJLL
by   Jack   McLaren   and   Pat   Spacek
htt p: //www. plif.com
Condoms Covered
by Health Plan
UBC - Reuters
Citing the fact that the Student
Health Plan already covers birth
control pills, a men's group at the
University of British Columbia has successfully lobbied to have the cost of condoms also covered by the plan.
"Not only are condoms a birth control
device, like the pill," stated Barney Glotz,
the president of the lobby group, "they are
also very effective in disease prevention,
which, in my opinion, makes them an even
more important health device."
By covering condoms under the health
plan, safe sex is expected to be made more
widely available to students as a whole,
which may even aid in reducing the cost of
healthcare.
"Prevention is always better than treatment," quipped an anonymous pre-med
hopeful. "Believe me; I know."
With the provincial Liberal government
cutting back on health care funding, it is no
longer guaranteed that sexually transmitted diseases will even be treated, which
makes prevention that much more impor
tant for the average student.
"You know, I always had the medicine
and hot needles to fall back on, but now,
because of Gordon Campbell, I just don't
know," confided Randolph Cassini on the
condition of anonymity.
As of September 3, 2002, receipts from the
purchase of condoms will be accepted for
70% reimbursement at the Student Health
Plan office in the lower level of the Student
Union Building. Plan administrators also
hope to have a "Student Condom Network" established in Point Grey and other
nearby neighbourhoods by the end of
December. Participating retailers will give
students an immediate reimbursement
plus an additional 20% discount when the
student shows his or her health card while
purchasing condoms.
Equal rights activist Tony Blane has stated
that while it is an important health issue, it
is an even more important win for equality-
"Now both men and women can have
equal control over their reproductive
health." Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
3 September 2002
Volume Sixteen
Issue Six
3 September 2002
Dr. Evil
Benjamin Warrington
fhe432@hofmai7.com
Number Two
Fiend (Dan Anderson)
josan der@interchange. ubc. ca
Frau Farbissina
Bree Baxter
Miyako Hewett
Anonymous Henchmen
Albert Chen
Death
Robert J. Pseudonym
Jo Krack
Kristin Lyons
Andy Martin
Kevin Nottle
Kat Scotton
Ben Tippett
Benjamin Warrington
Eggy Yuh
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The editors of the 432 would like to
encourage reader feedback. If you
have something bad to say, disregard your mother and say it (If you
have something good to say you
may also say it)!
Contact us at: fhe432@hofmaif.com
AH views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of the 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to the 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
We do not take any responsibility
for your crimson burning shame if
you actually try to take condom
receipts in for a refund, but show
your residence house president the
receipt for the 100-pak and at least
you'll get a free round of drinks in
exchange for the laughter.
Those Loveable Frosh
Ben Warrington
I'd Hit It
Ah, the bright fresh faces of the first
year students. Every year, it
amazes me just how easy they are
to pick out of the crowd. Their eyes are full
of wonder and amazement, and their
hearts are so full of excitement to be here at
university for what will undoubtedly be
the best years of their lives that they are
unable to contain their smiles. They look
forward to the drinking and the partying,
or perhaps the chance at higher education,
or possibly all of the above. Who knows,
they may even hope to find that special
someone to take away their virginity.
In fact, I just passed one such frosh on my
way back from the SUB. That sharp-eyed
fellow remarked rather ingeniously to his
friend, "Look a squirrel." Did he arrive
today, by any chance?
This naive cheerful demeanor usually
lasts until about the first midterm when
suddenly, the frosh discovers that it is not
nearly so easy to get a 90% as it was in high
school. This being Vancouver, the weather
usually goes dreary about the same time
serving as a nice double emotional blow.
Perhaps, the student does find the special
someone for whom he or she was looking.
Robert J. Pseudonym
Imported
Maybe you've heard about it. The
little "siege" that the United States
of America is, under. Remember
911? It's not a phone number anymore. Just
because it was almost a year ago doesn't
mean, that we can up and forget about it.
Hell, you don't see vets forgetting about
WWII, do you? As sure as my red blood
flows through my veins, we've got to keep
fighting this war. And I don't mean red-
commie-pinko blood, or red-commie-fascist blood, mind you, I mean good old red
American blood, as red as the stripes, or at
least half of them.
It's not enough to turn in the kid next door
with his illegal M-160s. It's not enough to
rat out the "carpenter" you hired who owns
three boxcutters. No, we have to give our
all in support.
Hell, I'm waving every flag in my house,
at dinner, on the porch, before bed, while I
watch the tube - all the time. That's how
you get a good American workout. Supporting Dubya, not wanking to some dirty
commie porn site. Flag wavers will have
two good strong arms (except for the war
amp patriots, God bless 'em), but dirty
commie masturbators will only have one
strong arm. Two strong arms good, one
strong arm bad! Four legs - no, wait. Never
mind that bit. In any case, if some pinko
won't arm wrestle you with his "off" arm,
you know he's not part of the solution. And
if you're not part of the solution, you're a
terrorist and you can have all your rights
This serves as a boost for a time, until he or
she realizes the jerk was just looking for
fresh meat, and that said jerk is already
preparing for the next crop of first years, a
full year away. By this time, a student
might be just jaded enough to survive the
"best years of his or her life."
This all may sound rather harsh, but I am
not saying you can't have fun. You just
have to become a bit of a bitter sado-
masochist first. I just want all of you to
understand where this unversity stuff is
going.
Now that I have crapped upon and alienated most of my potential new audience,
and of course, proven that I am a crotchety
old coot, I will share a bit of my froshish
experiences.
In my first year, I got off of the airplane
with a couple of suitcases, and I took a taxi
to my cousin's appartment. The next day, I
went by bus (back in my day, it only cost
$1.50) from downtown to UBC. I then
hauled my suitcases to Vanier. That was no
small feat. I got my key and went up to
find my room. Before I even got there, I
met a guy wearing nothing but a towel in
the hall. While he turned out to be one of
the best guys on the floor, I would have
preferred something other than a welcoming by a half naked man. A half naked
woman for instance.
Residence was all right, there were parties
USA Today
1 suspended and be summarily tried and
executed. It's your patriotic duty to hit
him, hard. He won't be able to defend himself with only one good arm. The president
needs your strength.
We gotta give 110%. Hell, I gave up half an
hour of sleep so as I can wave a stars-and-
stripes before I go to bed as a nightcap. If I
can do that, you can damned well buy the
X-80 finger-sized camera for only $79 and
spy on your neighbour's wife when you
think she might be making bombs in the
basement, can't you?
We gotta stop ourselves from getting
eHacked, too. Now, I'm used to the real,
old-time hacking, the kinda hacking ya
wanted to give the red spy next door courtesy of the brand-spanking new hatchet.
This new stuff is harder, though. You have
to go to a special school that has an upper
age limit of 15, way outside our borders in
"cyberspace," and they almost never use a
hacksaw because they don't like "hardware
hacking," they like "software hacking," and
everyone knows that if you're cutting softwood you use a normal saw, because a
hacksaw won't do flying-monkey-shit-all.
No, they don't attack our computers and
digital watches and VCRs with hardware,
no siree. They do it with "software." The
lumber store said it wasn't normal cedar,
so I went to the library and did some
research. Software - when hackers talk
about it - is actually this stuff made of electricity that your computer runs on. So I
went back to the hardware store (the book
said there were hardware solutions) and
got an AC purifier as a first wall of defense.
It's going to "keep the incoming power sine
wave pure," according to the box.
But an AC purifier or drywall  won't
pretty much every night for the first while
because nobody knew anybody. I probably
met a hundred people in the first week
whom I prompty forgot having ever seen.
The conversations where you chat for five
minutes with someone who apparently
knows-your name but of whom you have
no recollection are always fun. Of course,
the few that I remembered forgot ever having met me.
Residence food sucked, and well . . .
remember those squirrels?
Having a roomate sucked too. They really
do tend to walk in when you are naked
with a girl. The high school girl that was
shadowing him did get to see the true university experience, however.
The age of majority in BC is 19, but really,
I think that is only a suggestion. It never
really kept me out of the Pit or any beer
gardens. It also didn't keep me out of a
club downtown. Of course, if they had a
proper age of majority here, like in Alberta
and Quebec, that wouldn't have been an
issue.
Oh yeah, then there were classes. Those
pesky details always slip my mind. You
should go occaisionally. If you flunk out,
you lose out on the beer gardens and beautiful women . . . who ignore and/or actively shun you.
Anyway, have a good year, and go get
drunk.
always be enough. You have to heed those
virus warnings, and install virus killers
like Back Orifice and Sub7. You have to say
"No!" to evil attachments (and I'm not talking about that gold band - the consumerism of the united family unit is needed for freedom's sake, and it's your patriotic duty to not get a divorce and reduce
your spending power), and you must
email everyone that you know about new
viruses like "Hello World," "I Love You,"
"Melissa," and the famous "re:" prepending
virus.
Evil hackers also do this thing called
sociable engineering where they talk nicely to you. Never trust a guy who is smiling
and holding a metre stick, I always said.
See? What did I tell you? A metre's just
another name for a cubit, the measuring
system for Afghanistan anyways. The
pilots in their planes didn't even bother
killing us in our own units. "Three thousand cubits per second per second...
steady... velocity fifteen hundred cubits per
second and holding... BAM." Oh, the injustice of it all. To not even kill us in yards.
So it is up to you, fellow Non-commie-
red-blooded American, to end this great
injustice. We've only killed tens of thousands. They killed over 3,000! Surely our
vengeance is not yet fulfilled - after all, "a
life for an eye, a life for a tooth," if it's our
eye or tooth that is being looked at funny
when the dirty foreigner is walking
through customs. What do you mean
you're a foreigner? Canada? Aren't you all
eskimos or something? Guard!
This is the kind of person that makes me
believe in assisted suicide, even if it's more
than a little forced.
-Fiend
"Dumb-Assed Basu contest 1
Name all of the drinking establishments on campus, or rather all of the places that you
can by alcohol. This includes any bars, pubs, and restaurants. Beer gardens and "My
friend Jerry's closet" don't count. Send your lists to the432@hotmail.com, A draw will
be made from everyone who can name them all, and the winner will get a snazzy
22oz. blue plastic Science beer mug. 3 September 2002
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
Back to School
Horror-scope
b   Albert Chen
Heavenly
TAries
March 21 to April 20
This year you Will not face the pressure of
exams, for you will spontaneously combust a few days from now. (Hey, I didn't
say it's going to be fun for you.) To make
your life more interesting, I won't tell you
when or where you will light up your life
(no pun intended.)
So be aware, you might be toasted well
before your midterms.
"^Taurus
April 21 to May 21
You will soon find out watching too much
porn is a really bad thing when that hot
pizza delivery person just drops off the
pizza and doesn't do anything else. And
an extra tip won't help either. Get a life
then. (Oh, I forgot - you won't have one
anymore now you are back to school.)
HGemini
May 22 to June 21
Stop asking people you love to do the
impossible things, such as loving you back.
Oh, and stop stalking people, too. Muddy
green will be your lucky colour for the next
two weeks, so try to wear that as much as
possible. Avoid mustard at all cost. (If you
believe a word that I just muttered, see you
in hell - from heaven.)
25Cancer
June 22 to July 22
According to my crystal ball, you will
soon find yourself right in the middle of a
horror movie when you watch Casablanca
for the tenth time - with your parents.
Sure, deny it all you might, but Casablanca
is one of the cheesiest date movies ever, so
you might want to think about growing
up, at least for a while. Oh, by the way, you
will die a horrible, horrible death.
<#Leo
July 23 to August 23
Believe it or not, Julia Roberts is not the
girl next door (unless you live in Malibu -
we will talk then.) So stop taking the media
for granted and think about what you
read/watch/hear. By the way, I am a very
powerful psychic -1 can read your palm for
five bout of a plan. (Remember Minority
Report?) Now I might sound really
depressing to you, but welcome to the real
world.
I|J Virgo
August 24 to September 23
You might wonder whether your lecturers
know anything, because chances are, they
don't. Some profs don't even know what
they are talking about while they are lecturing and just rely on their academic
charm (an oxymoron when you think of it.)
So you read ahead before each lecture or
UBC will chew you up and spit you right
out.
£Libra
September 24 to October 23
Odd, according to my research, your
biweekly forecast is EXACTLY the same as
the forecast for Pisces a year ago. To avoid
repeating myself, I shall let you look up the
forecast yourself. (By the way, if you
haven't found out already, reading your
biweekly horoscope doesn't make your life
easier.)
JH,Scorpio
October 23 to November 22
While you ponder whether that easy
four-year Bioethics course will boost up
your average, consider the fact that your
average will probably not fluctuate that
much now that you have taken so many
courses. So stop worrying about whether
you can get into a particular post-post-secondary educational institution and start
enjoying the work. Well, that might sound
really cruel, but it's true - if you are here to
get flawless grades, you have come to the
wrong place. If you are a first year, this
forecast doesn't apply to you until two
years from now.
^•Sagittarius
November 23 to December 22
Thinking about terrorist attacks again
(now it's that time of the year to talk about
it anyway) and wants me to do a psychic
reading? Nope, I am not into that kind of
thing anymore. The truth is, there are too
many factors involved in a terrorist plot
that simple psychic power couldn't begin
to cover the fundamentals. Besides, even if
a plot has been laid, a person can still back
out of it.
'YJoCapricorn
December 22 to January 20
Someone will nuke your place a week
from now, but don't try to do anything
about it - you can't. It's part of the karmic
thing that is trying to plot something
against you. Well, at least you can claim
insurance - you DO have insurance, right?
SSAquarius
January 21 to February 19
Soon enough you will find an interesting
way to interpret life, such as finding a
proof to that darn mathematical theorem
while washing your dishes by observing
the change of velocity that water exhibits
while mixing with the detergent - being an
academic means that you will have to do
crazy things like that. How do I know?
Trust me, I've been there.
XPisces
February 20 to March 20
You will die not thrice, not twice, but only
once! Wow, now that is a concept to think
of, isn't it? There, now that I have told you
an oracle, I shall get back to school.
i Slightly Used Grapes
I     200/Lb!
Offer only valtd with non-pharmaceutical purchase over $20. Coupon must be presented at time
of purchase. Not valid unless ii is a full moon on a Tuesday. Your mother was a harnpster and your
father smelt of elderberries. I like chicken. If you've read this far, you have too much time on your
hands. There's no punch line coming. Now get out, t say, get out!
Money:
That's What I Want
Eggy Yuh
* *       Naked and Rolling
Having just spent a summer in acad-
emia, and having no willpower
whatsoever when it comes to pretty things (shoes, clothes, drinks...), I need
a get-rich-quick scheme. Now. This always
happens, and the panic always strikes in
late August when I realize that the money
I blew on those really cute sandals that I
just had to have really should have gone
towards books or tuition. Enter my scheming brain.
Option 1: Tutoring unsuspecting first and
second years. You'd be surprised how
much of a response you can get by putting
up posters advertising help for first and
second year chem. This is also very good
for ego boosting. There's nothing better
than being adored for your brain.
Option 2: Tutoring unsuspecting high
school students! They are much more
impressed by the fact that you're in university, and, unlike most first and second
years, the high school students don't actually pay for the lessons. Their parents do.
This means that you can charge ridiculous
amounts of money. It helps, of course, if
you know what you're talking about and
are articulate. But given the work to ease of
teaching ratio of options 1 and 2, I'll take 2.
A bonus is that you'll probably be recommended to the student's friends too. Just sit
back and let the money pile up so you can
roll around in it. Naked.
Option 3: Foot model. I've always been
very vain about my feet - they get pampered with pedicures, designer creams,
gorgeous shoes and insanely bright nail
polish. It's not exactly a foot fetish, but not
exactly NOT a foot fetish either. In any
case, foot modeling would be easy, and
easy money at that. Never mind having to
starve yourself, squeeze into ridiculously
slutty clothing or having to deal with other
vapid whores. Foot modeling involves feet,
and feet only. Never mind what you're
wearing or that you have dark circles
under your eyes. (And there's always the
hopeful bonus of being able to take the
shoes home.)
Option 4: Fetish foot model. A variation
on option 3, but with slightly darker consequences. And possibly better money. My
research (for journalistic purposes only, I
promise) dug up numerous foot fetish
sites, some cleaner than others. One
<http://www.toewigglers.com> only photographs imperfect feet. I personally find
corns, bunions and calluses slightly gross,
but hey - whatever turns you on. Some
seemed safe enough, requiring pictures of
the feet in question, including shots of the
soles. Others were a little more sinister,
with one specifying that models should be
prepared for "live action, interactive
movies." Hey -1 said foot fetish model, not
porn star. There is a difference.  .
Option 5: The illegal [insert name of
designer drug here] lab in my basement. If
four (going on five) years of chemistry
have taught me nothing else, it's that
organic chemistry can be fun when you're
doing retro-synthetic analysis of illegal
hallucinogenic substances for sale on the
black market. Obtaining starting materials
and glassware is a slight problem, but I'm
pretty sure that my summer of flirting with
the guys in chemistry stores wasn't for
nothing. Add in the fact that campus is a
veritable lab of human subjects, and subsequent customers: restless first years, here I
come!
Option 6: Demonstrating the synthesis of
illegal hallucinogenic drugs to high school,
first and second year students (illustrating
the principles of equilibrium and organic
chemistry), while having feet photographed by fetish magazine. Then sell
illegal hallucinogenic drugs to friends of
high school, first and second year students.
I think I'll opt for number 6, please...
Are you taking
sbcoqo yean orzganfcl
Do you need to purchase
leas safety eopfpraeat;?
Would you like to spend
ueny Lfttle money I
uulDerzgfLaXDuate cberoistr^y society
offerzs the Best DeaLs cazounxA
Lab Coats:
Bookstore's: $21.99 +tax =
Our Price:
Goggles:
Bookstore's: type l $13.95 + tax =
Bookstore's: type 2 $16.95 + tax =
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Safety Glasses:
Bookstore's:   do not cany
Discount Bookstore's:   very inferior quality
Our Price:
Lockers:
Membership:
$25.07     ■
$ 1 8.00 (+$2 for non-members)
You Save:  $7.07
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$ 10.00 (+S2 for 11011-members)
You save:  $5.90
$10.00 (+S2 for non-members)
$8.00 (+$2 for non-members)
$5.00 (+ a ton of other benefits
and discounts) Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
3 September 2002
Japan on Krack
Jo Krack
W?W      Geisha Girl
Hello everyone, and welcome back
to school! I hope your summer has
been as enlightening and action-
packed as mine (although I also hope you
haven't lost as many brain cells). For those
of you who are picking up this paper for
the first time (frosh, gotta love 'em! Unless
they're underage, of course), allow me to
introduce myself. I am Jo, and my biweekly scrawlings are a form of catharsis (this is
all my therapist's idea - bitter shell of a
woman my ass!) in which I get to rant
uninterrupted, and conveniently get published so that I may look back in the future
and wonder what the hell I was thinking.
Most of my columns end up discussing
sex/relationships in some way... I'm the
raunchy older sister you never had, and
can be reached by email at
gimmekrack@hotmail.com. Yes, I respond
to all emails. Yes, I give advice (whether it
be about school, life in general, or relationships - cuz whatever else I am, I'm nosey
and damn opinionated!). No, I do not
break in virgins, regardless of what you
may have heard, so don't ask (er, unless
you're a quick study).
For those of you who already know and
love my column (or me, whatever, same
thing), I have a Special Announcement: I
am going on exchange to Japan for this
school year, and I intend to continue to
email regular submissions to the 432 so
that you won't have to miss a single thing!
I shall pass on such vital information as:
where to buy a Hello Kitty vibrator, the
priceless "Engrish" I've seen on t-shirts (or
check out www.engrish.com), whether or
not Caucasian women can attract Japanese
men as easily as Caucasian men can attract
Japanese women, and of course what it's
like to bathe naked with a few of your
friends and a bunch of strangers. As an
added bonus, anyone who will be visiting
Japan anytime between the end of September and the end of July can email me and
I'll give them a free guided tour of Osaka!
So keep your eyes peeled for Japan Correspondent Jo Krack, coming to you live
(well, er, sorta) from Osaka as of Sept. 25.
In other news, I have had the weirdest
summer ever: I became a jock. I have
avoided jockdom since sometime around
the beginning of high school when I failed
to make the basketball team (so I'm 5'2", so
what??). I guess I had decided long ago
that one could strive for brains or brawn -
but not both. I made the brains decision (or
had it made for me?) and abandoned all of
my muscles except for those necessary for
cycling (as that is often my main mode of
transportation, when the weather's nice).
But I was wrong. Sports are FUN. Besides
allowing you to hurt (or rub up against)
other people accidentally-on-purpose, they
can be quite exciting. Here's a little rundown of the various sports I participated in
this summer:
Volleyball: You don't have to wear a bikini to play volleyball, but it helps. I was an
occasional sub for a team from work, and I
ended up bruising my arms so badly that I
was able to embarrass my boyfriend in
public for weeks (for example, if went into
a restaurant and they asked us "smoking or
non", I would just mumble "whatever he
wants" and avert my eyes, nervously fingering the blue-black marks on my wrists).
Other bonuses included: pretending I was
going to spike the ball, thus rendering the
opposition' helpless with giggling (as I
mentioned before, I'm 5'2". I can't even"
touch the top of the-volleyball net!); diving
for- the ball when I knew I was going to
miss it (so at least I'd look like I was trying); and trash-talking the other team
("they got nuthin'!").
Beach soccer: Not to be confused with
soccer-on-grass. It's a lot harder to kick the
ball when you're barefoot! I participated in
the Beach Soccer Blast tourney at Spanish
Banks, along with a co-ed team from work.
My only injury ended up being a cracked
toenail on my right big toe, but other than
that the only thing I hurt was my pride (we
lost all our games). Best thing about beach
soccer: staying dry while watching everyone sweat makes you feel like you're in better shape than you thought (in reality, it
means you're just not working hard
enough). Worst thing about beach soccer:
sand gets everywhere.
Triathlon: OK, so it wasn't a real one. It
was called My First Triathlon (how cute!)
and was held in Harrison Hot Springs.
Along with 900 other triathlon-virgins
(and that was just on one of the four days!),
I swam 400m, cycled 20K, and then
ran/stumbled another 5K, all in just under
two hours. So what if that's almost twice
what it took the fastest people? So what if I
came nearly dead last in my age category
(darn uber-fit 19-24-year-old women!)?
The important thing is that I beat my
friends. The best lesson I learned from the
triathlon was that I'm fit, but not as fit as I
could be. I also learned that if you're going
to try a triathlon, it's probably not a good
idea to spend the night before camping
next to a guy who snores loud enough to
make you seriously plot his death (justifiable homicide!). And if the campsite has
chickens, walk away. They wake up early
and they're loud.
Ultimate Frisbee: Try as you might, you
really can't hate a sport in which men wear
skirts and both teams sing songs for each
other after the game. Scotsmen should like
it for those reasons alone. It's also the kind
of sport that you can play drunk (another
bonus for the Scottish!). The most valuable
lesson I learned is that the Frisbee you play
with really, really matters. Get a nice one,
and you throw like a god. Get a cheap one,
,and you suck. It's all about the equipment
(sound familiar?).
Foosball: I worked for a computer company this summer, so I played a lot of foosball. Seriously, it's a sport!! I learned how to
score from the defensive line, and how to
block and pass. I was the only female who
played, which made for some interesting
trash-talking. Trash-talking is the best part
of the game, especially since it's such a
non-contact game (although some guys
were able to shoot the ball right off the
table)! You just can't take someone seriously when they're threatening to "open a can
of whup-ass" on you with their tiny plastic
smiling peg-men.
Anyways, I hope I've convinced you
brainier types to get out there and move
your bods a little. It won't kill ya (just for
the record, if it does, I am not responsible).
Let me know how it goes: you can always
email me at gimmekrack@hotmail.com.
Music News
Andy Martin
Porn Industry Insider
Keith Richards Finally Comes Down
During the sound check for their recent
show in Boston, legendary guitarist Keith
Richards of the Rolling Stones reported
feeling "a bit odd." Upon examination by
tour doctor Joel Pilfner, Richards reported
symptoms of "clear vision, understandable
speech, and full cognition of his surroundings,' it was concluded that Richards had
actually come down.
Richards's distinctive guitar souncl in the
late '60s earned him great fame and fortune, which he spent on enough drugs to
sustain him for an estimated 30-year high.
The Stones tour is expected to continue
uninterrupted as soon as it is ascertained
whether Richards is able to perform stone-
cold sober.
Eminem writes song not about self
Controversial rapper Eminem recently
completed what is being hailed as his most
artistically advanced composition of his
career, a song not about himself. The song
"Lost in Laos" follows the trauma of a
young girl who becomes lost in the poor
Asian country. Not only is the subject matter not autobiographical, but none of the
lyrics make any reference to him, a person
resembling him, or can even be metaphorically twisted to relate to him or any
famous person who he has an opinion
about.
The song is expected to be released as a
bonus track on the artist's upcoming EP:
"The Adventures of Slim Shady and Marshal Mathers in Eminemland."
Unformed band hated by Noel Gallager
The as-of-yet unformed "Jay and the
Silent Pickles," a future blues-fusion band
from Missouri, has been pre-emptively
hated by Noel Gallager of Oasis. "Their
music is just bloody awful, I don't know
how they even get out of bed in the morning, knowing that they suck so badly,"
commented Gallager in a recent interview
with Hopskitch Magazine.
Write for us. Please.
The 432 is always looking for new writers, satire or serious.
Send us your best work.
the432@hotmail. com
The Next Deadline is September 11 at 4:32pm
New Writ crs Meet ing
Thursday, September 5 at 4:32pm
in the SUS Office (LSK 202)
We are also interested in cartoonists, photographers,
editting types, and general minions. 3 September 2002
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Five
Canadian Forces Journal
Kevin Nottle
Grunt
Well, I've just come back from summer holidays, so I figure it's time
for one of those corny "What I
did over the summer" essays. So get ready
to chomp down on some corn.
28/06/02
Here I am, sitting on Air Canada flight
112, Vancouver to Montreal, on my way to
basic training, wondering "How the hell
did I get here?"
It sort of started back during all the rumblings about the tuition increase and my
reaction to everyone's bitching about the
fact that they were actually going to have
to pay for what their education was worth.
I basically said put up or shut up. If you
really want your degree, there are many
ways to get the money, including joining
the Canadian Forces. So I put my money
where my mouth was, and sent in an application for the Regular Officer Training Plan
(ROTP).
After filling out umpteen forms, detailing
all the minituae of my life for the past 10
years, and facing a battery of tests, I was
accepted. I just had to jump through a couple more hoops.
So I jumped. After all, they were going to
pay for my last year of school, and then on
top of that, pay me to go to school. All they
wanted in return was my life. No biggie.
Later I found myself at the 15th field
artillery armoury in Vancouver, filling out
another pile of paperwork. I also got a
plane ticket, that said I was leaving Vancouver 2 days earlier than I'd first been
told.
Lesson one of army life, no travel plans
are final until you have that ticket in your
hands.
Later that day, I swore my oath to the
Queen, and left civilian life for at least 5
years. I also left my mother quite unhappy,
as shown by the bounty of tears.
(A warning to anyone who wants to join
up, don't expect your family or friends to
love the idea. You'll get two reactions;
Great for you, it's an honour to know you.
Or What are you thinking you dumbass?
Quit now.)
The next six days were designated as
Leave WithOut Pay, and I used them to get
everything the CF required me to have on
arrival at St-Jean.
Which brings me back to the plane, waiting for take off, with no one to talk to. The
blasted flight attendant gave me a seat no
where near any of the other Officer Cadets
(OCDTs)on the flight with me. Why couldn't Canadian still be flying? Ah well, I'll
change seats after we take off.
29/06/02
Well after flying me out here two days earlier than I wanted to go, I now have nothing to do until the evening of the 30th.
Hurry up and wait is no longer a cliche, it's
for real.
If there was actually something to do here,
it wouldn't be so bad. But the place is pretty well shut down for the weekend. It's also ■
huge, and all the guys I flew over here with
are spread out all over the quarters. Spuz-
zum has more to do during the day than
this place between courses.
Later in the evening, things started to heat
up, as all of us OCDTs from BC attended
the main event. Oh yeah, the Scorpion
King baby, the place was never more jumping than that night. 	
If this keeps up, the warrants won't have
to run my ass into the ground, the tedium
will have done it for them.
(Looking back on that weekend, from the
other end of basic, I must say that weekend
wasn't as bad as some other weekends we
had on course, and it was a dream compared to some of the weekdays.)
30/06/02
Way to go Brazil!
I was going to get up at 6:30 to watch the
game, but when my alarm went off, I
decided why waste my last chance to sleep
in? I did get to see the last 10 minutes, and
it looked like a great game.
There have been a bunch of arrivals today
and yesterday, but I'm still the only guy in
my pod, and the lockdown is only hours
away. (A pod is a group of individual bedrooms that share a washroom and lounge.)
That's when the course starts, and we're
placed under military discipline, rather
than being allowed to wander where we
please. I'm the only guy I know who is in
this state. How the heck am I supposed to
develop camaraderie when I'm all alone.
Now I'm sure something is wrong. It's
almost time for the first briefing which
starts my course, and I'm still the only one
in my pod. No screw ups like CF screw
ups.
Now begins my training. Will I still be the
only guy in a set of rooms that can take six
people? Will I stay pissed off at the Canadian Forces, or will I be assjrnilated by the
big green machine? How much am Lgoingv
to get yelled at? Was watching Full Metal
Jacket before leaving a good idea, or am I
just going to scare myself silly. All these
and more questions will be answered next
issue, assuming Ben didn't fall asleep
while editing this article.
To make it in this man's army, Kevin will
need some stronger language than "heck."
-ed.
n
SUS Events Cancelled Due To Lack of Social Space
The SUS Oktoberfest and Second Class Bash
have been cancelled due to lack of social
space and the fact that too many other events
were also scheduled for those days.
We will, however, be bringing you many
more fun events such as Cold Fusion, so
stay tuned!
T/MMV MAKES ?Vto Of TH\/o$S
AMS
Firstweek
You Always
Remember
Your First
What is your First?
AMS Firstweek is a series of free events
that welcomes ALL UBC students to a new
and exciting year on campus. From Sepr
tember 2nd to 6th, week-long festivities are
offered for both new and returning students. A wide range of events has been
carefully planned to kick off an awesome
new academic year.
What's so good about your First?
Everything! Attending Firstweek means
that you're starting the year off on the right
foot. During the week, you will have the
opportunity to really see what UBC's student life is all about. With the AMS, Intra-
murals, Athletics, Fraternities/Sororities,
Residence Life Association, and the 200+
clubs on campus involved, Firstweek is
truly the showcase of the UBC student
experience.
What happens during your First?
There are over 37,000 students at UBC,
and that's quite the diverse crowd - so we
plan lots and lots of events that students
can attend: including BBQs movie nights,
comedy shows, live entertainment by big
name bands, intramurals games, speakers,
student fundraisers. 'Nuff said.
Where will your First take place?
Check out our calendar of events, and be
sure to take note of event times and locations. Better yet, make sure to take a good
look at our posters around campus - and
feel free to snag some of our rave cards for
more info.
You will be happy to know that practically all the events are FREE!
See http://www.ams.ubc.ca/firstweek/ for
the the calendar of events and for more
information.
SUS will be at the Main Event Carnival at Mclnnes Field on Friday, September 6, from 11am to 4pm.
Alright! Hand over your
money or the goose gets it!
p
"gets it"? What do you mean?
wait... uhh.. I see... umm. no.
Y
And Put On some Pants!
Y
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J\U,
or sp>er%l  I Ke sumrrver a\Jor\e ir\
kis Pi
f wrihr.3 kis fk
asemsni wnlir>g
esis msieai'
feai<J ol malci
making rrvoney,
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gin I rom ar-rveiie s cair-rveo as
fks fc>a<i>K telle Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
3 September 2002
Dead Pool VII
Death
/ become her
You might call it morbid, but I just
call it a day's work. Welcome to the
seventh annual dead pool. It is a
rather simple contest. You pick the fifteen
people that you think are most likely to die
before April 1, 2003. The order in which
you list them is important. If the first person on your list kicks off, you get fifteen
points. If the second dies, you get fourteen
points, and so on. If the last one passes on,
you get a measly one point. At the end of
the school year, I tally up the points, and
whosoever has the most points, wins. The
winner gets two tickets to Arts County
Fair. Prizes are also awarded to second and
third place.
There are a few rules. Firstly, the people
on your list have to be reasonably famous
(as decided by me, the judge). If the death
of the person is likely to be reported in the
news, and I can look up the name and say,
"Oh, him," the he is fair game. "Grandmother" is not fair game. Not only do I
have no clue who she is, listing your own
Grandmother in a Dead Pool is crossing
some sort of line of morbidity. You can put
down, "Yo' mama," all that you want, but
remember, I'm Death. Do you really think
that I am going to off her? Another important rule is that you do not get the points if
you kill the person yourself, though other
contestants will.
The contest starts Friday, September 13.
Your entry can be submitted at any time
(before or after this date), but if a person
kicks off at 11:59:59 pm on Thursday, September 12, he doesn't count. A person also
doesn't count if he dies before I receive
your entry form.
Last year's winner was Albert C with an
eerie number of correct answers. He listed
Issac Stern, Barbara Olson, and David
Angell (co-creater of Fraiser). Albert also
had the Queen Mother listed, but she said
the eternal goodbye shortly after the contest closed. I would stay away from Albert
C. Second place went to Charlotte D and
third to Michael C. Neither Charlotte D nor
Michael C has tried to claim their prize.
They are entitled to some nifty Science
merchandise. Charlotte D gets a stainless
steel insulated coffee mug with the Science
Star, and Michael C gets a 22oz. blue plastic Science beer stein. I will give them until
the end of September to contact me (email:
the432@hotmail.com). Happy hunting!
Dead Pool VII
Entry Sheet
Your name:
Your e-mail address:
Your phone number:
No Wonder I'm Her
Sugar Daddy
b  Albert Chen
/ got the stuff
Of all the material that I have contributed to the 432, I've always
refrained from reminiscing my
summer. Believe it or not, writing about
my summer actually cramps my style.
As the editor of this paper probably
knows, I write nearly all of my articles well
before the actual deadline. Although such
early-bird-gets-the-worms style works for
my horoscope columns, writing about my
summer means that I have to finish writing
about my summer weeks before the end of
my summer holiday, which, by all means,
makes answering the question how was
your summer a slightly idiosyncratic
response to start with, much like Martha
Stewart taping her Christmas television
special around Halloween.
But since it's now four o'clock in the morning and my sleeping pills haven't kicked in,
I've decided to give this rhetoric question
one more shot and see what I can come up
with before I hit coma and fall asleep like a
dead pig. ......,,■,..
I guess it all got started when I got a job
and started working for Pacific Press.
While you might not know what in the
world Pacific Press is, you might hear from
us several times a day. Yes, we are the
annoying telemarketing company that
calls you once in a while (a big understatement in some cases) to remind you that
you need a daily dose of printed recycled
paper or else. As for the work itself, it was
mostly easy. I got all kinds of pre-paid
meetings that I just had to show up and sit
for hours and figure out how to boost
sales/hour and other profit-related stats.
Sometimes there was free food, too. Some
other times, though, it could also be problematic: when they didn't have enough
telemarketers calling, I, for one, had to get
on the phone and try to sell papers, and
unfortunately, some people were really,
really depressing:
"Hello, it's Albert on behalf of Pacific
Press, how are you doing today?"
"Fuck off."
"I am just wondering if you had a chance
recently to take a look at the Vancouver
Sun or the Province lately, have you?"
'Hang up your fucking phone now."
"Great," ignoring the response as instructed by my supervisor since I can't say fuck
you back, "did you get it from one of our
coin boxes?"
"Nope, I steal it from my neighbours."
Believe it or not, this IS a typical response.
"Hang on, I have to flush now."
Well, to be fair, most people in Vancouver
are relatively nice on the phone, but it gets
worse and worse toward the east coast.
People in Edmonton have less patience
than Vancouverites, and people in Halifax
have less time to talk on the phone than in
Edmonton. However, all of them are considered well mannered in comparison to
people in Toronto. Yes, I had to call them
sometimes on behalf of the National Post
and based on my experience, they do not
handle telemarketers well. Here's an incident that happened to my female co-worker. She had to talk to a caller from Toronto
(her conversation was taped by my supervisor in order to monitor her performance):
"Hi it's   on behalf of Pacific Press.
How are you doing today?"
"Me take no phone sex."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Me no taking no phone sex."
"Excuse me, I am here to sell paper."
"Oh, then, if I subscribe, will you deliver it
to my house?"
So my co-worker hung up.
I often wonder why on earth people yell at
telemarketers when they are relatively
harmless individuals of this society. (I am
sure some of you have done it before anyway.) Is it the anonymous nature of the
insults that prompts people to swear?
Nearly all of the personal information of
the people we call is right on the computer
screen. We know just as much as the phone
book. (So hint number one: if you list your
name on the phone book, you shall be
called.) Most importantly, you always have
a choice to stop talking and move on; you
can always hang up or get an answering
machine. (Hint number two: yes, telemarketers do not touch answering machines
most of the time.) So the myth that telemarketers pick the most inopportune time
to phone you is far from the truth; they are
not psychics. They could be just like you,
going to the same school and dealing with
the same problems. The only difference is
that they need this money to do what they
want to do and they have to work their ass
off to get where they want to go, so can you
get mad at them for making ends meet?
It's times like this that I start to ponder the
significance of my existence. If you still
believe that a telemarketing company consists of drug addicts, think again. Quite a
number of them are students from UBC
and SFU who are trying to earn their
tuition. On the bright side, I've managed to
make enough money, so I quit. I would
love to tell everyone more about Pacific
Press, but I sort of signed my life away
right before I got my paycheque. So I guess
that's no more stories from the marketing
company.
This year also marks a relatively kooky
summer, as my girlfriend Clarisa decided
to save the world and went to a third-
world country to set up a free pediatric
clinic. When she first told me the idea, I
thought she was joking. However, she
insisted that it's her calling, so I brought
her bags of Flintstone multivitamins and
other pediatric goodies and sent her to the
airport. I wasn't sure whether it would
work out, but apparently she is doing quite
fine, so I guess I have to stop fussing.
In case you are wondering how does Clarisa convince children to take medicine, her
clinic is apparently struggle-free. It turns
out that she packed her bags with Kool-
Aid and mixes it up with all the goodies so
kids taste the artificial flavourings and not
the bitter stuff. Upset stomach? No problem, she got papaya enzyme and Turns.
Aside from the Flintstone multivitamins,
she got chewable vitamin C, Sunkist-
flavoured Zinc, and if it is not enough, she
has banana honey echinacea lollypops. I've
heard some parents think the new doctor is
spoiling their kids with all that sweet stuff,
so I guess that literally makes me her sugar
daddy.
In short, that's what my summer is all
about so far: job and girlfriend. Although
you could say that I am jobless and girl-
friendless at this point, which sort of
makes this summer very, very strange.
Heck, why do you think I am still not
sleeping this early in the morning? Wait, I
think the sleeping pills are kicking in.
Drop off your form in SUS or e-mail
your picks to the432 @hotmail.com
The Verdict:
Glen Clark, not guilty, just stupid 3 September 2002
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
The Drawers of SUS
Kristin Lyons
Director of Sports
Hey everyone! It looks like another
school year is upon us and what
better way to relieve your stress by
doing some intramural sports. Registration opens for term one leagues on Tuesday, September 3, and closes on at 5 pm on
Wednesday, September 18 for the Point
Grey Cup Football League, the Ultimate
League, and the Handley Cup Soccer
League. The Cross Volleyball League, the
Nitobe Basketball League and the Todd Ice
Hockey League open on the same day and
close at 5 pm on Friday, September 20. Try
not to leave your registration for the last
day because it gets extremely busy with
very long line-ups. Leagues for term one
include the Bodin Ball Hockey League, the
Nitobe Basketball League, the Todd Ice
Hockey League, the Ultimate League, the
Cross Volleyball League and the Point
Football League. There are levels of play
available for everyone so come out and
play. You can get registration forms at the
Student Rec Centre (SRC). Singles sign up
is available on the web as well as postings
of teams requiring players. The website
address is www.legacygames.ubc.ca. You
can also sign up on teams on the sports
board that is in the Science Undergraduate
Society (SUS) office. Teams that, are formed
through the use of this board are free!
Also, all science teams receive rebates. To
get your rebates, hand in your team's roster, your intramural receipt, and the name,
phone number and email address of the
person that I am to write the rebate to into
my box in the SUS office. The deadline for
rebates will be around the end of November and rebates will be available in December. In the past rebates for science sports
teams were 40-60%. Last year were the
leading group on campus for intramural
sports, so let's keep it that way by forming
science teams and having fun!
Kat Scotton
Social Co-ordiantor
Welcome back faithful 432 readers,
and hello to all you newbies. My
name is Kat as it says above, and
I'm your So-Co for this year (again), or
until I get fed up and quit. Unfortunately
our first bzzr garden had to be cancelled
due to many events already happening in
the SUB on the same night. We don't really
have any social space of our own except
our office, so bzzr gardens have to be held
in the SUB. Speaking of our office, come by
LSK 202 to check it out, since it has been
nicely renovated. We promise that we didn't pick the colours. Stop the Pop is happening on SUB South Lower Plaza on
Wednesday and Thursday during first
week, check the ad in this fine publication
for more info. If you are interested in joining the Social Committee, the first meeting
will take place on Tuesday the 10th of September in SUS (LSK 202) at 11 am and 12
pm (please show up to one, but I'm not
gonna stop you if you are really keen and
want to come to both). You can email me
at: kscotton@interchange.ubc.ca
See you then!
Another Way
to Get Involved
Join the First Year Committee
The Commitee of First Years for First Years
Participate in Creating Events
and Improving the University Experience
of Yourself and Your Peers
The First Meeting is on
September 11 at 5pm
in the SUS Office
Did we mention the first years? There'll be first years.
Good food, good times!
When? Wed. Sept 11 Mr 11-2
Where? Grassy median between
Chemistry & Angus
Free burger and pop for first years!
$iMi everybody else!
Veggie burgers available
The Drive For
Social Space
Ben Warrington
Seriously
<Ki—"")
It has been recognized by both student
organizations, such as SUS, and by the
administration, namely the Faculty of
Science, that there is a lack of social space
available for students, particularly science
students. This social space would consist of
places to sit and eat your lunch with
friends, to study, or just to hang out. After
somewhat unceremoniously being booted
out of the basement of the Chemistry
building and spending a year in a stifling
bedroom-sized space in the basement of
Hennings, the SUS office and lounge was
relocated to LSK 202 last year. Planned renovations on this space were completed
over the summer, and we now have an
office and comfortable lounge in which we
hope to stay for many years.
While this has been a step in the right
direction, we would be hard pressed to get
more than fifty students in here at one
time, and there are approximately 6,800
science students in total. While there is
some club space here and there, there is no
significant student space in any other science building (and not very much in any
other building period). This lack of social
space also makes it difficult to find space
for events which is part of the reason that
2nd Class Bash and Oktoberfest have been
cancelled.
Two years ago, the Arts Undergraduate
Society launched their "Space Program,"
wherein they managed to arrange to have
new social space built in an open space
under Buchanan D. Construction on the
project began this fall. The Science Undergraduate Society and the Dean of Science
office have been cooperating to bring
something similar into fruition for the benefit of science students. This has been an
ongoing project to either look for space in
existing buildings that can be converted to
student social space or to look into building new space much as Arts did. Continue
to read the 432 for more information on the
developments as they develop.
Want to Get Involved?
SUS Council elections take place on
October 9-11, 2002. Nomination-
forms are due by 4:32 pm on September 27, at which time the All Candidates Meeting will take place. Each of the
following departments/programs elects
one student representative (that could be
you!):
Biochemistry
Biology
Chemistry
Computer Science
Earth and Ocean Sciences
General Science
Geography
Mathematics and Statistics
Microbiology and Immunology
Pharmacology
Physics and Astronomy
Psychology
'^o-ordmated Science Program
Science One
Intergrated Science Program
Also to be elected are two First Year Representatives and four General Officers.
So get 15 undergraduate science students
to sign a nomination form, and we'll see
you at the All Candidates Meeting at 4:32
pm on the 27,h in the SUS office (LSK 202).
The All Candidates Meeting is mandatory. If you have a really good excuse as to
why yqu;icannot make it, please inform
Anne"! Song (annesl202@hotmail.com)
before September 26"\ A copy of the
nomination form can be found on page
eight of this paper, or can be picked up in
the SUS office (LSK 202). Any questions
should be directed to Amies Song
(annesl202@hotmail.cbm).
SHNERAMA
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STOP THE POP
WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY
SEPT **TH K» AM-3PKA
«N SUB SOUTH LOWER PLAZA
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HELP US RAISE MONEY
FOR CYSTIC FIBROSIS
EARPLUCS AND POP1AVAIL ABLE Page Eight
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
3 September 2002
Dread and the Fugitive Mind
Andy Martin
Canadian Idol
"1 try to be good, but it's so hard."
The phrase is for petite girls trying to mess
with my head no longer.
Popular Western art used to be based on
the ideals of human nature. Through hard
work, dedication and purity of the soul, a
protagonist would work his or her way
through any hardship and come out on
top. People consumed these packages of
high-minded messages, and would grow
to see the characters on the screen as
heroes we could look up to. At around this
time, we could also admire politicians and
business leaders as tfailblazers that were
working for us, paving the way to our
bright and prosperous future, and we
loved them'for it. Even Mom and Dad were
hard-working people who provided for us
and prepared us for life ahead.
Then someone backed up against the light
switch and we saw the spies on the other
side of the global two-way mirror.
The media took over and tried to reflect
the new reality that we saw. TV news converted to, for better or worse, "If it bleeds,
it leads." Every other show and movie
turned around mid-stride into subject matter of "bad things." From crime dramas
with a veritable all-you-can-eat of violence
and bad doing, to sitcoms where people
break-and-enter, deface property, and try
to deceive others for half an hour until they
have to 'fess up and are forgiven for no
other reason other than their appearance of
guilt.  Today,   I   await  a   "very   special
episode" where no one gets killed, no one
gets mixed up with drugs and everyone
goes home happy.
Turn off the TV, turn up the stereo, and
songs like the traditional "Whiskey in the
Jar" or "Dread and the Fugitive Mind" by
Megadeth (who, if there is any justice, will
be canonized in four years) make being the
lawless bad guy really, really cool. Outside
the realm of good music, let us not forget
the entire hip-hop image of pimpin' and
drive-bys that is an MTV mainstay.
Taking it to the extreme are songs like Iron
Maiden's "Hallowed Be Thy Name" and
MetalicA's "Ride the Lightning," though
songs about the terror of being on death
row still seem to have a glorifying effect on
the uYidesirable position. And in today's
every-type-of-psycho melting pot general
populace, some people may do things to
live out this fantasy.
Turn down the stereo, and take up some
reading, enrich the mind, find out more
about how the world is being run.
Whoops.
These days, the more we dig, the more we
find the figureheads we are supposed to
look up to are usually more corrupt than
the villains we're supposed to despise.
First we learned our parents were dirty
rotten liars leading us on with Santa Claus,
the Easter Bunny, Jesus Christ and the ilk,
then we took the next step in education to
find, all of our politicians, lawmakers and
business leaders were corrupt kitten-eaters
and wanted to lead for nothing more than
the money, power and deals that could be
swung with such positions. And, most
recently, teachers and priests are shown to
be freaks in their own rights. God help you
if you actually look up to any popular
media figure.
Then you throw down the magazine and
turn the TV on again and the final blow
comes from the most immersive art form:
porn video games. The best game titles out
revolve almost entirely around doing as
many naughty things as possible. My most
recent digital obsession, "Grand Theft
Auto 3," requires you to keep up a rather
admirable rate of disturbing actions to go
to the next level. Missions range from
shooting down airplanes to taking a
flamethrower to several city blocks for reasons that are never fully explained. But I
want that high score and asking why
would probably slow me down.
Of course, ancient video games aren't
much better: Game start, level 1: See a guy
walking over there... shoot him. Why?
Because he's walking over there. Do this
hundreds of times to everything that
moves to win! Even ye olde Super Mario,
with his wanton coin stealing, turtle crushing and property damage, not to mention
the 'shroom gobbling to make himself
seem bigger, never taught us a single good
lesson.
So, what you can deduce from what
you're exposed to is that everybody has a
little evil in them, so you'd best play along
if you're going to make it anywhere.
To find a truly noble soul who strives only
to accomplish a great feat that makes the
world a better place, with no interest in
their self, that person could deserve to be
an idol. But we find a dearth of those, and
have to make do with whatever is lying
around. We seem more intent on idolizing
actors for no other reason than the fact that
they portray fictional characters and make
a lot of money, and we can't wait until the
next all-celebrity chitchat channel comes
out.
I don't choose my entertainment specifically to be ultra-violent, it just happens to
be the best stuff out there. Honestly, if any
game maker can make a good game out of
cute little anime-puppy-characters doing
nice things for each other, I'd probably
play it if it gave me a thrill compared to the
drive-by shooting simulator. And if society
wants me to stop treating women as sex
objects, it should write songs about good
conversation that can compare to the lust-
themed songs I love so well. Is it art imitating life, or life imitating art?... or it is just a
positive feedback cycle that will end with
everybody naked, drunk and happy.
It does get into your brain. A few weeks
ago I was driving down the highway (yes,
THE highway), when I noticed a truck
stopped on the side of the road. Not just
any truck, but the kind that transport cars
for dealerships. It was empty...and the
ramp was down. A beautiful 45 degree
incline. My brain automatically came to the
logical conclusion that if I did the jump, I'd
get 1,000 point bonus, and could check it
off the 'stunt list'. It was only when my pitiful remnants of a conscious reminded me
of the real-life consequences of driving a
truck up an incline and down into heavy
traffic would not be in my best interests. I
swerved back into the lane and into my ho-
hum existence.
I think that "a real cool song was on the
radio" should be a legitimate excuse for
speeding.
"Your Honour, I was temporarily insane...
it was the booze, the porn, and the Family
Circus this morning."
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For more information on the SUS council elections, see Want to Get Involved? on page 7.

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