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The 432 Nov 23, 2004

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23rd NOVEMBER 2004
'Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200'
-Monopoly Chance Card
Wrap rap" contest has
mixed results
(Los Angeles, AP)
Promoter Susan Thomas thought it
was a great idea, but although the
Wrap It Up fast-food chain got a
large number of submissions for their
"wrap rap" contest, it was admittedly a
middling success.
"We thought we'd get some down to
earth, raw feeling - like onions newly
pulled from the ground, chopped until
they put a tear in your eye, and put into
our fresh Pinto Bean Wrap," Susan said,
"but instead we got a lot of people who just
wanted the lifetime supply of wraps. Yes,
there were some good submissions, but
there was a lot of crud, too. 'Oh wrap, my
wrap, how I love to devour thee?' What's
that? Did we ask for Shakespeare? No!
That's not the voice of today's youth, that's
the voice of 17th-century youth. Today
people crave tasty, zesty food, not a respite
from tyrannical monarchs and power-
crazy clergy."
"Plus," she continued, "a large portion of
the contestants seemed to think that it was
a random draw. About a quarter of our
entries were composed solely of names
and addresses. I don't think "1-2-5-9 West
40th-Ave" has quite the right ring to it, you
know? We started the whole contest in the
first place so that we wouldn't have to
come up with something ourselves. Looks
like we were wrong."
We were able to get a sample of the rejected raps, or what were claimed to be raps,
and in fact they were horrible, worse than
having your best friend eat the last bite of
your tasty yet light Greek Salad Wrap
(only $5.95). Some choice lines:
"Yeah baby, gimme that lettuce, yeah
gimme that lettuce, you leaf me green with
envy, baby."
"I want liver, I want chicken, Wrap It Up,
Wrap It Up please deliveren."
"Two slices of tomato on a hot bun!"
(Accompanied by three pages of orchetral
sheet music)
And last and quite possibly least: "Gimme
some chill tomatoes, hit the hill got the
store, take my hos, don't front gotta get the
government tax for the bread, it already
cost too much, like molesters they touch
me where it hurts, in the pocketbook, gotta
get a hook, need that wrap man it's gonna
fill me good, food from the hood, slide
back way back yeah gimme that wrap yeah
jump the cliff need the stiff crispy cuke the
bread's baked not nuked yeah baked like
me, hook up that wrap. Toss my salad,
bitch." We actually have no idea what
most of that means.
A quick survey of some contestants
showed that their street-smarts were practically nonexistant. Said Elmer Coangelo:
"My rap? I guess it's OK. I mean, I've
never really thought about living in the
ghetto and then going out for a tasty 100%
beef and fresh vegetable wrap before, but
hey, why not? I mean, I don't spray paint
or watch Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or anything, but I took a tour bus through Bel-Air
once, and I really want the free food for
Occurances of "Drive-by window" were
extraordinarily common in the entries.
News Briers
FBI ends Catholic Priest's Grand Theft
A 34 year-old man was caught with thousands of stolen walkie talkies and several
young boys. Claimed they were his ex-
communicators (the radios, not the boys).
English prof recovers from intestinal
After surgery, doctors projected a healthy
recovery, and a fully functional semicolon.
Retirement home upgraded to minimum
security prison.
Residents enthralled to hear that former
nightly 8-hour solitary confinements to be
discontinued. Paramedic patrols to contin-
Paper Airplane Co. Goes Bankrupt
CEO says he just couldn't stop the company from folding.
Toque manufacturer develops new line
for the blind and American voters
Special model will be long in the front for
easier pulling of wool over eyes.
Wooden beartrap prototype fails
It had bite, but not enough bark.
Revenue Canada forms to be printed on
Officials claim it will soothe and comfort
as taxpayers pay through the nose.
Pluto to be renamed Planet 9
After Disney threatened to sue scientists,
following successful trademark lawsuit vs.
Roman mythology.
New cabinet minister announced
To replace former minster of woodwork
and carpentry.
Plutonium sample accidentally forgotten on desk
"I wish I'd remembered to put in the
fridge," said scientist Bob H, "the damned
stuff decays so fast!"
Breakdancer proves to be poor pilot
Confuses headspin with tailspin.
Man ties transistor set to table
He'd been told radioactivity is dangerous.
Canadian wins
100m hurl
Echoed sentiment of many Canadians
following Perdita's fall this summer
(UBC, Reuters)
Prospective UBC student Candi Jon-
agold recently won Canada their first
Platinum metal at the Commonwealth Games this week. Jonagold has
been a recent rising star in the competitive
100 metre hurl event. Jonagold was the
only athlete in the top twelve that did not
use hard alcohol in her training regime,
preferring beer and apples.
"Vomit was everywhere," said one spectator, "and competition was stiff, but we
knew that Candi, with a little help from
Molson, would pull through." The 16 year
old girl with bad fake ID has been training
for months, ever since she found the key to
her parent's liquor cabinet. She hopes to
continue her training at university, where
in four years she thinks she can develop
into a national phenomenon.
"Clearly, she's never been to the Pit. The
UBC administration knew investing in a
world-class vomitorium would pay off,
and it has, in spades!" said Professor
Bebendo. "She'll have to rely on more than
her inborn talent and thimble-sized stomach to keep up with the competitive UBC
team. Even our intramurals teams are
world-class, though they are normally
greek- and residence-dominated."
"We are very pleased to have such world-
class athletes at our institution," said
Martha Piper in an exclusive interview,
"you know, back in my day, we didn't have
these easy-course 100m hurls. We weren't
given cans to shotgun. The only equipment
we had was a large sack of potatoes, some
yeast, and for when that failed, our index
and middle fingers."
"How else do you think I maintain my
youthful figure and healthy glow," she
said, preening her corrugated cheeks and
swirling her Diet V8 Splash. "I was a
world-class athlete in my day. Why else
would the Board of Governors keep me
around so long?"
When asked for her take on the outcomes
of the Games, Jonagold could only slur,
"How do you like them apples?" before
passing out.
__%~X*S "THE ZSGOlSgRP   F&GS33ER      /A/8 Page Two
23rd November 2004
Volume Eighteen
Issue Six
23rd November 2004
Principal Quantum #
Jon Lam
Dan Anderson
Angular Momentum #
Varun Ramraj
Magnetic Quantum #
Jo Krack
Dan Anderson
Varun Ramraj
Kiran Bisra
Jessica Otte
Jeff Prowse
June Po
Andrew Provan
Stephen Notley
Megan Devlin
Nicholas Gurewitch
Nik Pinski
SUS Exec
Printed by
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is publication of the Science Undergraduate Society of
UBC. Words words words, words
words words, if you're not a lawyer
you're probably not reading this,
words words words. Small print!
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and should contain the author's
name and contact information.
If you want to be an ass ed in the
colophon, no problem, but it takes a
few hours.
Hit us up at: the432@gmail.com
Ten Investing Tips: Not for the Faint-Hearted
Varun Ramraj
Alfred, get my suit readyl
I recently got back into the whole stock
market thing... you know, the legal form
of gambling that makes or breaks people's
wallets, relationships, and more generally,
their lives. Ever since the dot-com non-
revolution of 2000-current, humans
(excluding economists and stock brokers)
have remained apprehensive about
throwing some percentage of their savings into high-risk ventures. The brave
souls who announce to the world that
they are keen investors even in these
times of doom are usually trading slow-
growing mutual funds or sluggish currencies. I've grown tired of this public fear,
and in the effort to make my equities
shoot through the roof, I present you, the
reader, with some tips to get you started
with you investments. If you invest, I will
Tip #1: Invest in Microsoft, make me a
Start small, throw in a hundred US dollars. Quit whining, have you SEEN the
exchange rate? This stock is great for
long-term investing...but be prepared to
wait for at least another five years while
the market heals. Refrain from selling
unless the stock goes past a hundred
buckaroos per share; knowing Microsoft,
it WILL happen.
Tip #2: Sell your mutual funds, they're
not going anywhere, at least not up.
Let's face it, mutual funds are so conservative that they go nowhere (think of an
impaled Republican). Get rid of them, if
you have them, and throw them into
something slightly higher risk. Hell, start
a business; at least the money's going
somewhere useful.
Tip #3: Penny Stocks, Inc.
Penny stocks are a poor investor's most
risky proposition. Within the span of a
few hours, they can skyrocket, before settling back down to something more Earthly. Especially hard penny-traders to pre-
We don't make mistakes
very often but last issue
we did:
Be it known
the land that
Jen Ross was
credited as
an assistant
editor in vol
18, Issue 5.
She was, in
fact, a full
diet are oil and software companies, but if
you set your investment software to sell at
a certain advantageous price, you can
make mucho del moolah at a fraction of
the start-up cost (while sitting on your ass
and drinking ambrosia in the living
Tip #4: Use online resources and
research for free
Study your target stocks on
YahoolFinance or MSN Moneycentral;
information is detailed and updated.
These two particular services also have
the benefit of being free (you need to sign
up for an account, but I'd hope that you
have at least one of Hotmail or
YahoolMail), and they offer easily understandable analysis of almost every stock
or world market.
Tip #5: Open a trading account
Quite obvious.
Tip #6: Open a cheap trading account
Not so obvious.
Tip #7: Lexicon - Long term trading vs.
day trading vs. swing trading
Long term trading - invest and wither
away while your stock either grows or
dies with you.
Day trading - ultra-short term; usually
involves high-risk stocks. If you are easily
excitable, prescribe yourself low doses of
morphine while your eyes eat themselves
for staring intently at a computer monitor
for too long.
Swing trading - my preferred method,
read on to find out!
Tip #8: Swing Trading
Before you start, read your horoscope
(conveniently found in most issues of The
432). It has to be a good day to begin; the
moon must be in perfect alignment to
cause low tides. High tides may create
tsunamis that drown the Japanese markets, rendering half the world
useless...American stocks will be quick to
respond with death, plague, famine (not
the diseased potato kind). Anyway, swing
trading is similar to day trading, but
requires patience. It's short term, if short-
term means a few weeks. Generally, the
trick is to buy low, and HOLD THE
STOCK until the price rises to a point
where you are making a decent profit
(remember to subtract commission fees,
read tips 6 and 7). Never sell at a loss. If
your company implodes, allow yourself to
burst into tears in misery and self-
loathing. You, young Padawan, should
have read your trading research information more carefully. Conversely, if the
stock is rising rapidly, better sell...if it's a
penny stock, it has a good chance of leveling off at a lower value by closing time.
However, if it's Microsoft, just sit back
and enjoy the show.
Tip #9: West-coasters, get lots of sleep
Your trading day starts at 6:00 a.m.,
because everything is centered around
Eastern Time (unless you're trading on
Asian markets). The good news is that
your trading day ends at 1:00 p.m. Why is
this good? You have plenty of time to
reflect on your day's trades and plan
tomorrow's strategy, while still having
time to do that horribly long quantum
mechanics Physics 200 assignment (this
statement hits home to a lot of people, Tm
Tip #10: Buy stock signal software, and
burn me a copy
You might enjoy it, you inexperienced little gambler. This sweet piece of code tells
you when to buy and sell based on market trends and projected prices. It's like
playing Whack-a-Mole, only more brainless. Sell stocks when the big red light
flashes! Buy when the big green light
burns its effigy into your retinas. It cannot
get simpler. I have read testaments, with
big salt shakers in hand, and it does seem
like people make huge returns. Of course,
your free will is not lost, you can
CHOOSE to defy the software. However,
it might lend a useful helping hand most
of the time.
Ah, there it is, the master list that everyone must post on their walls. Investing is
like wooing; it must be attacked with an
open mind. Creativity is encouraged;
before you know it you will have netted
yourself a real winner.
The Chapman Discussions
thinking together
90 minutes for interested students to explore an
engaging topic with the experts and each other.
Chapman Discussion #2:
University Town:
Redefining Our Campus
Wednesday, 24 November, 2004
12:30 - 2:00pm
Dodson Room
everyone is welcome.
particpation is encouraged:)
Questions or comments? chapmandiscussions@gmail.com 23 rd November 2004
Page Three
This Week in Sports
Nik Pinski
Belligerent Pinko Bastard
Last time in this column I wrote for
2000 words. There were two reasons
for that. One, I was riding the crystal meth snake all weekend. Two, there
was a lot of sports to cover that happened
over the summer. Three, I had a 2000 word
Philosophy essay due, so of course, I was
completely writer-blocked on that, but
could spit out 2K on sports in under 15
minutes. This time there will be nowhere
near this much simply because there's still
no hockey, baseball is over, I don't give a
shit about football, and you don't give a
shit about basketball. Yeah you.
As I said, the NHL is still locked out. It's
pretty amusing just how childish the players are acting. The owners made a huge
mistake in giving them all the money they
did on certain contracts (eg. Bobby Holik,
Billy Guerin, and Horatio Hornblower).
The players know this. And yet they still
act like children and refuse to do what's
best for the league. You know what I
wish? I wish the owners would just say
"Fuck you!!!", and dissolve all relations
with the NHLPA. Then they'd say, "Anybody that wants to play, come play, but
without the stupid NHLPA". I wish that
could happen. I also wish I could nail
Catherine Bell, and neither is going to hap
pen. In fact I think I'll nail Catherine Bell,
Keira Knightley and Madeline Albright
before either the NHL or the NHLPA do
something smart.
Since there's no hockey in the NHL, there
are two options for the hockey nut - Junior
Hockey, and Overseas hockey. Junior
Hockey is especially excellent in the Western Hockey League where the Vancouver
Giants have a stocked roster full of All-Star
calibre players, and yet are wholly impotent on the ice, and undoubtedly will not
match their expectations before the season.
Sounds like another local hockey team,
does it not? The team has 3 NHL first-
round draft picks (Andrej Meszaros, Mark
Fistric, Marek Schwarz), a scoring sensation (Adam Courchaine), and oh and let's
not forget local boy Gilbert Brule who will
undoubtedly be a top-2 pick in next year's
NHL draft. And yet the team is barely
above 500 and just lost 5 straight. I think
the hockey gods (more on those assholes in
another issue) really hate Vancouver.
Overseas is where all the NHLers have
gone. Joe Thornton, Ilya Kovalchuk, Rick
Nash, Jaromir Jagr, Peter Forsberg, and
many others, are having a grand old time
playing shinny in Europe for essentially
pocket change (for them). Meanwhile they
are of course pushing fringe European
players out of jobs completely - you know
those guys that actually need that money
to survive? Capitalism rocks, doesn't it?
Most of the players have gone to Russia,
where they can make the most money. A
couple of Russian teams have rosters
stocked with NHLers, and are obviously
spending way more money than they
could ever earn, but because it's all owned
by the Mafia it totally doesn't matter.
There is one club in Russia that boasts in
it's lineup: Ilya Kovalchuk, Alexei Kovalev,
Vincent Lecavalier, Nikolai Khabibulin,
Nik Antropov, Ruslan Salei, and the Conn-
Smythe Trophy winner Brad Richards.
Where does this team play? Moscow? St.
Petersburg? Try Kazan. Have you even
heard of the city of Kazan? Tm from Russia, and even I haven't! I think they had a
gulag there or something at one point...but
that only really narrows it down to six
hundred cities.
So with no hockey, a lot of people including yours truly have jumped on the BC
Lions bandwagon. When you're reading
this the BC Lions have already either won
or lost the Grey Cup in Ottawa. I could try
to break down the upcoming BC-Toronto
final analytically but firstly you don't care
and secondly whenever I do that I always
jinx the home team. So in the spirit of
reverse psychology - which never fails to
work - Go Argonauts! To get to the Grey
Cup, BC had to play Saskatchewan in the
Western Final where the game went back
and forth until OT where Saskatchewan's
Paul McCallum did his best to join the
memorable list of sports goats such as
Nathan Lafayette and Bill Buckner. The
dumbass missed an 18-yard field goal that
could've won the game. For you hockey
people that is like having the goalie spontaneously combust into a pile of dust while
you're taking a penalty shot leaving an
open net but you still miss it. For you science people that's like using the formula
E=mc on your midterm. Fortunately for
Paulie-boy, this is the CFL, so nobody's
gonna be remembering him outside of
Regina two months from now. And everybody in Regina will be too busy chopping
firewood and killing moose to rag on
What's the plural of moose? It should be
meese, right?
In NBA news, Ron Artest, one of the best
defensive players in the NBA, and an all-
star, has asked his coach for time off so that
he can (are you ready for this... are you
sure...because I don't think you're ready
for this...I'm betting there's no way you
can guess what he wants time off
for...okay...) promote his rap album. My
buddy Jon wonders why people in Vancouver hate the NBA. This is why. I personally don't care. I can still love Ron
Artest with or without all the technical
fouls and drama queen behaviour. But I'm
an evil fuck with no soul, and no morals or
ethics of any kind. A good Christian person would be very disappointed in Mr.
Artest's actions.
Next week on "This week in sports..." -
naked mud wrestling! And the biggest
twist in 432 history is revealed!!!
I <3 You Computer
Jessica Otte
Every day, I think of you, and I am so
proud! I never regret having you; I
think it was one of the most important decisions of my life to order you.
When you came out of the box, and the
FedEx man told me that all your pieces
were there, it was such a happy day. I
think you were about 90 lbs altogether, a
bit big, but you were overdue, so that was
Your cute little speakers wailed, and your
big screen just lit up when I plugged it in.
You always networked well with others,
didn't catch any major viruses, and had
512 RAM on one chip before any of the
other new computers did. As you grew up,
yes, I had to discipline you a bit by reinstalling drivers and I even had to call tech
support about your dual Bios once, but
you were usually very well behaved.
Now, you are getting older, coming into
your own. You've acquired all the software
you'll probably ever hold, and almost all
your expansion slots are full (but you still
have lots of drive bay space, because you
are a server case). Like all PCs your age,
you can be a little hellion sometimes. But
don't give me this proxy server shit all the
time; I told you, that's only for browsing e-
journal articles for school! Why are you
always harping on me about my iomega
disk? It's not even attached anymore. And
when I tell you to clear the cache of User
q3xr4435ws.34 or whatever random folder
name you come up with for netscrape,
please, please do it. Don't tell me you can't,
I know you can.
And for Gate's sake, give me an error message when you are out of memory! I don't
want you just restarting whenever you feel
like it - I get worried when I don't know
which IRQ conflict you've had, and what if
you crash!? It's ok that you are sensitive
about your Distributor. I'd never try to
replace him or come between you two, but
sometimes, I need to check out the other
companies, you know, just for me. You
don't have to worry about me adopting a
PDA, I'd never do that to you, because
you're the only special one.
I've always tried to take good care of you;
I leave you on at night, even though your
glowing LEDs pierce my eyelids and blind
me while I try to sleep. Some people think
it is weird that we sleep in the same room,
but this is all I can afford right now. I
defrag and format you once in a while, and
I even gave in and installed that virus scanner you always wanted. I know, I only let
you run it on weekends, but that's how it
has to be.
While you have many flaws (you don't
boot in safe mode, run a msoft OS, have
case fans that whirr like a jet engine, have
a scratch on your super heavy CRT [which
makes moving a bitch], demand constant
IP resetting, and never store my Adobe
colour profile), I still love you. After all, I
did bring you into this world, and have
worked hard to help you grow by
installing a DVD drive, video card mod,
and a new HD. I hope one day, you find a
nice Mac you can network with, and settle
down as a Desktop Publishing machine.
Tm thankful for every day that I can share
with you. Happy Birthday, my little one.
The Perry Bible Fellowship
By Nicholas Gurewitch (www.cheston.com/pbf/)
(Gotcha the Clown... We
uou euro
^ final Page Four
23rd November 2004
Anatomy of a 432 Article    Commuter's Compassion?
Megan Devlin
Writing for Dummies
Despite what you may think of the
432 editors' so-called creativity and
voyeurism, writing a 432 article is
actually a simple formulaic process that
could, in fact, be completed by a computer
(Unfortunately, no one in Science knows
how to write a computer program).
To begin writing the article, you must convince yourself that a) you are funny b) you
are able to throw around big words with
some degree of confidence and c) you have
something of importance to say. This
(false?) self confidence can be achieved by
a) consuming alcohol, b) sleeping with
someone who isn't in Science (or anyone
for that matter) or c) passing a math
midterm (personally, I would go with a),
it's the easiest of the three.)
The next step is to choose a topic. Possible
topics include: a) Martha Piper's devil worship, b) tuition increases, c) your musings
on the weather, campus events, or Lindsay
Lohan's breast size. Bonus points if you
can have one word in your article relating
to science (ie Lindsay's got some great
genes). However, there is no need to worry
if you are not able to come up with a real
topic, incoherent rambling is perfectly
Next, pull up a chair and stare at a blank
computer screen. If the article deadline is
not for another two weeks, leave the computer immediately and do any other homework and/or drinking and/or procrastination (and by procrastination, I mean learning the words to Drop It Like It's Hot: "I got
the roily on my arm and I'm pouring Sean
Don, And I roll the best weed cause I got it
going on") for a period of two weeks.
The night before (and by night before, I
mean day of) the article deadline, begin
rolling the wzzd and pouring the Szzn
Dzn. Refer back to the article topic you
selected and write one sentence related to
the topic. Then, after realizing you have
nothing to say about the selected topic, go
off on an unexpected tangent about whatever first comes to mind, be it your frustration at how close the SRC is to Gage (going
to work out is too easy now) or your love
of the pickles (so crisp and juicy, the perfect study snack). Feel free to jump on an
unrelated train of thought at any point
(CHOO-CHOO), the more obscure, the
As you are writing your article remember
to throw in some big words to sound smart
(so that arts students will think... Who am
I kidding? Arts students don't read the
432.) But also keep in mind that you don't
want to alienate your audience by sounding smarter than them, so throw in some
spelling mistakes: Keep it reel for the people! As well, include some pop culture references. You can't lose with Paris Hilton:
"That's hot."
While writing, always maintain a sarcastic, self-mocking and self-important tone.
You are bitingly sarcastic! You know what
you are talking about! My god, you are
If all else fails drink a little more and the
words will just come pouring out. Another
option (if economically feasible): A room
full of monkeys at typewriters (kind of like
the 432 office). Man, something's gotta turn
out eventually.
Conclude your article with a disclaimer,
vaguely hinting at your own insanity and
the fact that you have No idea what you
were talking about.
Disclaimer: I must have been very drunk
while writing this.
J. Polum
Rescued Report
The Vancouver winter rain campaign
has started and so begins the misery
of 20000 or so UBC commuters. My
jacket was soaked and my fingers were
numb as I gripped on to my umbrella in an
attempt to shield the rain pellets from coming down in all directions. I got onto the
bus and put my dripping umbrella down
on the side as I started my fogged-up-win-
dow ride home.
This article isn't a rant (but it could easily
have been) about how tough commuters'
lives are as three to four hours of their
essence are sucked out every day traveling
to and from UBC. It is actually a huge
appreciation to the students, who, despite
their daily wet and stressful situations,
remain kind and considerate. How do I
know this? Well without one of these kind
souls, I would be dead by now... for my
Biochem report.
As the story goes, I was sitting on the bus
trying to salvage some time by reading my
lab manual. Inevitably, I dozed off, as
many UBC commuters are conditioned to
do as they get onto a stuffy overcrowded
bus. The next week, as I scrambled to prepare for my lab the night before, I couldn't
find my lab book. I flipped through my
piles of textbooks, papers and binders on
my desk, my floor, even my bed and it was
no where to be found. I went to check at
the lab, thinking that I might have left it
there the week before but no one has found
it. All I could do was get the data off my
partner and life went on.
Two weeks later, I found my notebook
stuck between some binders in my room
with its blank pages staring at me like they
were forced to bear with my stupidity and
unorganized nature.   Strangely enough, I
also received an email the same day from
the Science Advisory office saying that
someone has found my lab report and
some data sheets on the bus! I didn't even
know I lost something on the bus, let alone
crucial data sheets that I needed to write
my report for this week. (Obviously I hadn't started working on the report yet.)
Goodness, I couldn't fathom how I could
lose such a big stack of paper on the bus.
Did they fall out of my hands while I was
asleep? Did someone open my bag and
take them? It is still a mystery to me. The
weird thing was that I was lucky enough to
get them back. Anyways, the data sheets
and report I retrieved back from the Science Advisory office were clean and
unwrinkled just like the way they were
when I last saw them. It was a miracle they
didn't get trampled on in the bus and left
for dead in a moldy corner under some
seats. Whoever had the consideration of
keeping my stack of loose paper and taking the extra step of bringing them to the
Science Advisory office made my week a
whole lot better!
It seemed like an insignificant event on
the bus, but it certainly won't go unappreciated. Thank you so very, very much
whoever you are! For those commuters
who are reading this, if you ever see some
distraught, tired fellow students bolt up
from their much deprived sleep as their
stop comes up, leaving stacks of paper,
textbooks, or notebooks behind, don't just
leave it lying on the blue battered bus seat.
Please bring them back to the departmental or advisory offices in UBC. Their owners will thank you like you've just saved
their life.
As I groggily woke up from my nap on
the bus and scrambled once again to exit
the bus before it shuts the folding doors on
me, I was stopped by someone from
behind, "Hey did you leave this umbrella
Break Up Etiquette
Kinky Kanadian Kiran
The other day, Paul and I were talking
about break-ups and the inevitable
fallout (a.k.a. shit that happens that
you didn't think about during the "good
days"). Paul and I had many differing
views about what should happen and that
got me thinking. Society has built official,
indisputable rules about driving, drinking,
or drinking and driving. Rules are in place
so people don't get hurt or hurt others. Yet,
something as obviously riddled with tension and complication as a break up doesn't have concrete rules. Breakups can be
perplexing, confusing, and even down
right sexy. Situations arise that no one even
conceives could, in this twisted game of
evasion, moves and countermoves. I propose we all adopt the following to eliminate the unwarranted effort that goes into
figuring out "What do I do now?"
1) Public Declaration
There should be some public declaration
that announces the break-up. There is
nothing more awkward than a "How is"-
"We broke up" conversation. It is bad for
the person asking, it is bad for the person
answering, it is bad for any innocent
bystanders and it is especially bad for a
bystander who sees it coming but is powerless to stop it. Public Declaration can be
in the form of calling every person you
know, to announcing it on your Xanga, to
telling the loudmouth who loves to gossip,
to CCing the breakup email to your whole
contact list. It needs to be done in the first
thirty-six hours of the breakup. This minimizes your risk of having that awful, yet
completely avoidable, conversation.
2) Get your story straight - people compare notes
Always know the exact reason of the
breakup. Don't let your story change. It
makes you look like you didn't suffer long
enough in the relationship before you got
out. Call it a "Parting Thesis", or a statement which sums up why it ended. "Well,
we just didn't communicate, like he didn't
understand me. We were spending too
much time together, but like not enough
time with each other." This is bad. It makes
people think you were too demanding,
when really you two just got bored of each
other. "He was trying to make do a threesome with my roommate." Good. It is
short, concise, and gives people a clear picture as to why it ended.
3) You get to keep what you brought
Like borrowed CDs, you have to give back
borrowed friends. Sometimes, during the
course of a relationship, you become
friends with his/her friends. You can't keep
them. "But I really get along with his
roommate. We talk, we laugh, we have an
amazing time." If you can replace the significant other, then replacing the roommate should be a mere feat in comparison.
Remaining close with his friend is just a
twisted power grab to validate yourself.
Leave all that isn't yours. Sometimes, the
roommate may even want to switch teams.
You aren't trying to pull him away, but he
is relentlessly following you out the door.
Ask yourself, "Do you want this type of a
disloyal, fair weathered friend?" Loyalties
are always with the old, no matter how
pretty, shiny, and perfect the new seems.
4) Don't add fuel to the fire
If you should so happen to be amongst the
unfortunate and witness two of your
friends fall for each other, have a glorious
time, and then break up and not want to
see each other, don't be like Joe. Sometimes
people in the same social circle do put the
social life of the group on the line and
make the irreversible step of dating. The
spectators look on in horror as the couple
starts dating, knowing full well that it isn't
going to last. Mary, Joe and Jack used to be
best friends. Until one day, Mary and Jack
started dating. Joe knew it wasn't going to
work out, and that things were never
going to be the same. Inevitably, Mary and
Jack broke up and now don't like being
around each other. But, Joe, as punishment
for being stupid and putting his life in distress, keeps inviting both of them to every
event. Joe sits there and thinks, "You
deserve to be in this awkward mess
because you knew you were going to have
to see each other once it ended." Unwilling
to be played by either side, Joe treats both
his friends equally, refusing to take sides.
Don't be like Joe. Joe is just making a bad
situation worse. He is making his friends
pick between him and being able to stomach their dinner. Forcing Mary to choose
between Joe and pain is a petty test, not
some impartial, righteous neutrality. If he
is a true friend to either of them, he has no
right to ignore their happiness for his own
convenience. Let things cool down a little,
hang out with both your friends, but separately. Things will eventually settle down.
You don't win any damn medals for being
right by making your friends cry.
5) Don't be neutral if there isn't an
invisible gun to your head
If you barely knew the ex, there is no reason for you to be neutral. Why would you
sit there and not support hatred of the ex?
No one is asking you to be genuinely outraged, or lie. But, you don't lose anything
by being biased - especially right after the
break-up. A few weeks later, everything
will blow over. But until then, why would
you not fake rage for your friend's sake.
You may not understand why your friend
is upset, you may even take the ex's side,
but there is no good reason to leak that.
Your friend needs to know that no matter
what, you are on her side. The last thing
your friend needs at that moment is an
attack from someone else she cares about.
Siding with strangers is one thing; siding
with the one person your friend hates most
is downright treacherous.
6) Always go at the pace of the least
comfortable person
You always advance sexually at the pace
of the least comfortable person, and you
always build back the relationship at the
pace of the least comfortable person. Sometimes couples still want to remain friends
after the fact. But, you can't rush these
things - don't get impatient. There needs
to be time and space put between the
break-up and the friendship. It has to end
before it can rebuild itself. So stop bloody
calling me you stalker. 23 rd November 2004
Page Five
Opinions Opinions O'plenty
Apparently, the printing of the article "A Banana's Theory of
Interracial Couples" in the last issue got a lot of people riled
up. Whether it was "ugly" Asian women, angry at having
their trick exposed, Caucasian guys trying to salvage their (or
their girlfriend's) dignity, or random people upset at the
author's libelous use of unfounded stereotypes, we here at the
432 got quite the response. First off we'd like to thank Angsty
Asian for inspiring so many people to respond to us, and we'd
also like to thank those of you who took the time to submit your
opinions to us regarding this paramount social issue. Without
further ado, here are some select reader responses.
I have read the 432 for a couple of years and each issue
usually guarantees a laugh out of me. Some articles are
exceptional and actually stimulate me to think; others are
excessively hilarious simply because the topic in question
happens to be about something I've experienced (whether
it be a certain prof's lecture style or certain lab "incidents"). Now I also bear in mind that no article in this
paper can be taken too seriously and I am actually quite
entertained if a shit-disturbing article is well-written,
humourous, but not so completely narrow-minded that
the author comes out looking like a racist hypocritical narcissist; in other words, there is a hint of tact, tastefulness,
or at the very least facetiousness. Even when all these
qualities are lacking, if the writer plays their cards right
anything can be logically accepted if they supply a good
reason for their irrational or possibly harmful points of
view. (eg. "My significant other has broken up with
me...therefore I conclude that everything they are associated with sucks")
A recent article, "A Banana's Theory of Interracial Couples," by one "Angsty Asian" in volume 18 issue: 5, fell
into the realms beyond the spirit of the 432. The first read
surprised me slightly (and considering what I expect out
of this paper, that's saying something) but left me with a
bad taste in my mouth as well. Not one to usually quibble
with anything that offends me (after all, country of free
speech) I just continued as usual and tried to at least see
their point of view in a pursuit of logic or reason... and
ultimately failed. I then received much more heated
reviews than my own from outraged readers of all sorts of
backgrounds and realized a line had been crossed. And so
in the spirit of free speech, I (potentially along with others)
present a little review, or riposte if you will, concerning
the aforementioned article and the views expressed in a
culmination of ideas.
The "Facts":
l)"The alluring stereotype of the docile, obedient Asian
I have yet to run across a docile Asian woman and doubt
I ever will. This stereotype obviously came from the
depths of the seriously misinformed...so much for that
'alluring' stereotype.
2)"Bananas...have been exposed to many Caucasian
faces.. .have learned to tell the difference between hot and
Fair enough, you can tell the difference between Bob
Smith over there and Jim Brown, But can you tell the difference between Swedes and Fins? Does not being able to
tell the difference actually hinder you from being able to
tell if one is hot or not? .. .Which leads to this question: Just
because a Caucasian male doesn't know one Asian
female's ancestors came from 100 miles south of another's,
does that mean he can't determine for himself who is hotter? If so, I guess some Asian female out there must not be
able to tell that the Swedish dude she's going out with
might not be hot according to some mystery hotness scale.
Basically, if you've been westernized, it's not too surprising to me if you choose to go out with a 'Western' person
based on inherent basic values etc.
3) "Only Asian girls can see the ugly exuding from there,
there, and there that Caucasian guys miss."
Oh, so now the Asian girl making this judgment is going
to be dating Asian girls? No? Then who the fuck cares
what you think.
The rest of what I have to say on this point parallels with
"fact # 2". And yeah, I could definitely go into the whole
'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' shtick, but you've
either heard all that before and don't believe it or you
know it (ie. Actually have/had a relationship).
4) "Caucasian guys dating Asian girls [are] really prominent at UBC."
Yep, there certainly does seem to be a lot of relationships
where the male is Caucasian and the female is
Asian...kind of easy to predict in an area where those are
the two of the highest ethnic groups percentages...I congratulate Angsty on her keen observational powers; However, let's not forget that there are about as many Asian x
Asian and Caucasian x Caucasian couples as well.
What about Asian males x Caucasian females? (a) I've
seen many, open your eyes. And should you choose to
keep your eyes shut...(b) Inborn genetic wiring and/or
pure chance probability could lower this combination frequency.
Anyway, I am personally glad that there seems to be less
racism with each generation.
The Idea:
Caucasian guy dating Asian girl...therefore Asian girl is
ugly based on "facts". 'Scuse me?
This abrupt and completely small-minded conclusion is
formed for what I think was an attempt at humour. At
least what I hope was an attempt at humour. Well, I'm
sure it would be funnier if you read it quickly once and
neglect the thought of "It's amusing until they target me."
So basically any Asian woman can draw the conclusion
from Angsty's conclusion that if she is single, she must be
so butt-ugly that not even a Caucasian guy will go out
with her. Okay, so I guess I see why this demographic didn't appreciate Angsty's article so much now. I suppose
anyone supporting multiculturalism and raising awareness against racism wouldn't be too thrilled with the bulk
of this article either.
Oh wait a minute, Angsty tries to backpedal by mentioning not ALL Caucasian guys date ugly Asian girls (Or is
this a loophole foreshadowing some upcoming hypocrisy
perhaps? "'Coughcough*). Now her reasoning turns to a
new 'fact': "Asian guys are more likely to take the hot
girls." Oh really? Good news single men! You can just take
females to be your lovers now apparently.
Ok, so that is actually complete bullshit and I was trying
to be subtle about it...sorry for getting anyone's hopes up
in the process.
What is this upcoming hypocrisy I hinted at? Oh yes...it
goes something like this to finish off the article: "And I'm
just one of the lucky hot Asians to be dating a hot White
guy.".. .which directly leads to the next heading...
The Person (Yes, this means you Angsty Asian):
...Actually, maybe we shouldn't get into that...
-Jon A.
In many ways, opinions are analogous to genes. Genetic
diversity allows the human species to benefit from gene
expression that is favorable to the surrounding environment. Darwinism rests on the premise of "the survival of
the fittest". This ultimately presents an opportunity for
our species to evolve and potentially improve so as to be
the ruling mammals of the earth. Opinions are the same
way, an abundance of opinions can lead to the emergence
of discussion. Discussion permits the formulation, or evolution of new opinions, and one leading opinion usually
surfaces as the general consensus of a population.
Nonetheless, there exist some opinions, like genes, that are
severely mutated. These opinions are flawed in their
expression and ultimately must be eliminated from the
gene pool. A mutated opinion is one that lacks cohesive-
ness, proper sequencing, formulation, justification, and of
course, a valid argument. In fact, I read a particularly
mutated opinion in the past issue of the 432.  This article
was titled A Banana's Theory of Interracial Couples, written by Angsty Asian. It was ridden with stereotypes,
racism, and handfuls of hypocrisy, and I wish to share my
opinion of her opinion. The author strongly suggested, no
wait... she simply stated with certainty, that most Asians
in an interracial relationship are "Ugly Asian girls". I,
unlike her, took psychology 100 although Tm sure that
anyone would be able to identify this as a crude and
unjust generalization. Without citing the name of a "psychological phenomenon" she claims to exist, and is not in
the psych.100 syllabus by the way, she comes to the conclusion that Caucasian males are not able to tell the difference between a pretty Asian woman, and an ugly one.
First and foremost, beauty is an extremely abstract topic
that she did not define. Is she assuming beauty to be small
breasts, chubby thighs, and backless dresses? Or does she
consider beauty to be manifested in the symmetry of a
woman's' face, further accentuated by voluptuous breasts,
and long shiny blond hair? I also took English 112, and
defining an abstract concept before you speak about it at
great lengths is highly advisable, if you want to pass the
Stereotypes of the racist-flavor used by the author are
very distasteful. She is demeaning with respect to the
appearance of different cultural backgrounds. She manages to take a stab at Chinese girls, Korean girls, and Caucasian males all in one article, now that is talent! Furthermore, she claims that Asian women are "whiny bitches
that use manipulative emotional mind control". Perhaps
as an Asian, this is a skill that she possesses, but it is
wrong for her to generalize her personal experience for all
Asian women. If she herself utilizes manipulative techniques to con hot white guys into giving her a second
chance that is fine, but I'm sure that the majority of Asian
girls do not use this technique. (As a disclaimer: I personally don't know any Asian females who possess these
super mind control powers, but I can't wait to meet one if
they do indeed exist!)
With respect to hypocrisy, I would like to bring up a single point addressed to Angsty Asian: Having said that
Caucasian guys cannot tell the difference between a hot
Asian girl, and an ugly Asian girl, how do you know that
you are not a deep-fried, msg-ridden, Asian leftover that is
simply part of the pool of "ugly Asian girls"? How can
you be certain that your hot White guy is indeed good at
detecting ugliness, and that you yourself are not.. .ugly??
-Chelsea W.
When I first read this article, I didn't get why it was so
funny. However, since it was printed in the 432, a paper
renowned for its humour, I continued to think about it,
knowing the payoff would certainly be worth the time.
So, was it because Angsty Asian called Asian women
bitchy, manipulative, and in many cases, ugly? No, that
wasn't it. Was it because the word "banana" was in the
title? Or maybe the humour was in the fine example given
to illustrate the sheer ugliness of the Korean and Vietnamese races? No, it wasn't any of those reasons at all.
Silly me! Like most jokes, this punchline was at the end!
Angsty Asian used a special brand of self-deprecating
humour enhanced with subtle irony. Her tongue-in-cheek
delivery of "Tm just one of the lucky hot Asians to be dating a hot White guy" after four paragraphs of extolling the
apparent hideousness of girls in her exact situation had
me in absolute stitches! Not only that, her delightful sense
of irony, using poor English grammar to further perpetuate racial stereotypes, was just the icing on the proverbial
rice cake. Keep up the good work!
-1/2 Azn Fun Girl
For the record, I didn't actually like the article. That said, I do
like free speech. For example, the GAP displays may be despicable, but they have the right to be there - just like their protesters. This right does not translate into a right to be printed,
though. Go figure!
-Dan A, editor for issue 5
Biology grads - Get your 2004/2005 minicompos-
ite for $25 from the Biosoc office (BioSci 1411)
Order before Dec.3 and get a $3 discount! Page Six
23rd November 2004
Annoying People
Jeff Prowse
Strong Silent Type
I have noticed that there are several types of people that
go to lectures regularly. There are the quiet ones who
just sit there and do nothing, and have no idea as to
what is going on; the quiet people who know what is
going on but don't feel like saying anything aloud cause
they find it annoying when other people do it, so why
would they do it themselves? Then there are the ones that
like to ask stupid questions or blurt out the answers
regardless of whether or not they are right or wrong.
These people don't seem to notice that the hundreds of
other people in the class don't care about when they have
to say. I am certain that these people realize that they piss
everyone in the class off, but don't care and just talk to
make noise. These people are really prevalent in microbiology classes, possibly because they think that speaking
up in class might get the prof to notice them, so when they
make their applications to med school, they can ask the
prof for a reference. I have a tip for these people: the prof
doesn't want to give a reference to some tool who routinely disrupts their lecture with some lame excuse for a question or some "astute observation" that you probably just
got from reading ahead in the textbook. Med school doesn't want you anyway because it is obvious that you spend
all your time with your head buried in your book. I have a
term for these people. I call them Power Nerds. They
spend so much time in the library studying that they have
forgotten all of their social skills. So in order to help them,
I am going to tell them to give up their lame hopes and
shut the hell up. Maybe if they realize it soon enough, they
might be able to actually contribute to society in some
meaningful way instead of spending the rest of their lives
living off their parents money.
Then there are those people that have to start whatever
they have to say with "I mean..." Of course you mean it.
Otherwise you wouldn't be SAYING it. So why don't you
just TELL us without adding in extra phrases that take up
our time. Chances are we don't want to hear what you
have to say anyway, so the less you say, the better. This
also applies to the ones who say "I think..." as well. And
for you people who answer a question with another question, don't fucking talk. Clearly you don't understand that
you are supposed to ANSWER a question, not ASK another one. If you don't know the answer, then just shut the
hell up.
So all you silent types, get out there and smack a stupid
loud person up the side of the head and tell them to shut
their cake holes. That might be enough to make lectures
bearable again.
SUS Reports: Conspiracies, etc.
Mike Long
VP External
Yo Science Peeps! I hope that you are
all well, and studying hard, since
finals are quickly approaching! If
you are, congratulations, I wish I shared
your academic discipline! Anyway, on the
SUS front, I have been keeping very busy
getting Science Week planning underway.
I am extremely lucky to be working with a
hardworking and dedicated group of people on my committee. I wish I had the time
to single out each person, but unfortunately I don't, but I do want to extend my
appreciation for everything that everyone
has done thus far in the name of Science
This year, Science Week will be featuring
some old classics, as well as some new initiatives that are being developed by various groups of people. SUS will be bringing
back Jell-O Wrestling, Science Olympics,
Professor Talent Show, Quiz Show, and a
Keynote Speaker this year, and we are trying out Science Frontiers and a Science
Scavenger Hunt for the first time. We will
be rounding out Science Week with our
yearly concert Cold Fusion, which will feature various bands, tons of fun, and maybe
even a bzzr or two!! Like all of our events
that you've come to love in the past, we
will be offering really good prizes and
other incentives to people who come out
and participate! Be sure to pick up the next
432's for all the latest itinerary for our
events, as well as information on how to
sign up!
SUS is also working in conjunction with
the SciTeam and the Science Advising
Office, on events with a more academic
flavour. During Science Week, the
SciTeam and Science Advising will be
hosting a "Getting into Research" event,
which is meant to inform Science students
about how to take advantage of the
research programs on campus, as well as
an "International Adventures in Science"
event, which is meant to inform Science
students on how to get involved internationally through exchange.
Again, make sure to pick up the next 432
for more information!
That's all for now. Good luck on exams,
have an awesome winter break, and I look
forward to seeing all of your faces during
Science Week! If you have any ideas for
Science Week, or would like to get
involved in any of the various events
described above, drop me an email at
Science Week Countdown: 63 Days
Dave Riendl
Science Senator
So has the Science Senator done as
much work as the typical government
senator? Well, let's just say that I
haven't missed a meeting yet, and I
haven't been paid to take any vacations.
Senate has only met 2 times so far this year.
The November UBC Senate meeting is not
until Wednesday, November 24th, which
is still in the future at the time of this writing-
in September, UBC Senate approved the
Trek 2010 document. This vision statement is set out to give the university a goal
for the future. It consists of many positive
statements regarding where the university
would like be in six years. Although the
document may prove hard to implement,
and might just be a PR tool, the ideas presented are logical goals that any institution
should strive for. The October senate
meeting was cut short due to a power outage.
The Student Senate Caucus (all the student senators) met a few times since the
year began, mainly to discuss our role in
the UBC Senate. We became senators to
represent our respective student bodies,
and so we are trying to work on a way to
better address student concerns, and actu
ally have an effect on the outcome of UBC
Senate decisions.
I was actually really impressed to learn
that student senators can have an impact
on the general student population. One of
the large issues that last year's Student
Senate Caucus dealt with was exam hardship. The caucus felt that too many students had exam hardships (3 exams within
24 hours) and/or clustered exams, where a
student might have 3 exams in 30 hours.
Previously, the exam timetable was front
loaded - many more exams were happening in the first week of exams than during
the last week. One suggestion that the student senators made to combat the problem
of exam hardship was to equally space the
exams within the exam timeframe.
Because of this student initiative the exams
in December 2004 have been scheduled
with less front loading, and have
decreased the number of students with
heavy exam clustering.
So the moral of this (slightly long) story?
Student initiative CAN make a difference!
Thanks for reading my report, and enjoy
the rest of this 432. (Did you know that the
digit sequence '432' does not happen until
the 273rd decimal place in the transcendental number pi? There's a useful fact.)
Andrew Thamboo
VP Internal
Wowzers! This term has gone so
fast. In the four years I have
been at UBC, this term has gone
the fastest. This maybe because this has
easily been my busiest year! Now you
ask...what made this term so busy?
One of my biggest responsibilities this
term was to organize the Whistler Retreat
for the SUS Council. The reason for this
trip is to bring everyone up to date on how
our council is run but more importantly, to
bring people close together. The theme at
the retreat was ACCOUNTABILITY. By
establishing a tight knit group, it is always
easier to establish accountability because
you don't want to let down your fellow
friends! And I can say, this is the tightest
SUS council I've been on in my four years
here. Consequently, this benefits all of you!
I also have been chairing two committees:
Academic Committee and the First Year
Committee. All the Department Representatives sit on Academic Committee and
there are many important issues that have
come up:
1) PRS - this is the device used mostly by
first years but is also used in second year
courses. Many students have issues
regarding the PRS. The Faculty of Science
and SUS are trying to figure out possible
alternatives to the PRS.
2) 24 Hour Study Space - SUS will be taking a stance and saying that Science students need a 24 hour study space. A place
that is safe for students to study anytime of
the day. We will be approaching the Dean
regarding this issue and hopefully some
sort space will be set up in the near future.
3) Survey - we want to know the academic concerns of Science students. So we will
be creating a survey that will be coming
out around February. This survey will
allow us to bring concerns of Science students to the Dean and address these issues.
If you have any comments regarding academic issues, please feel free to email me at
As mentioned above, I oversee the First
Year Committee. This committee, run by
First Years for First Year students, is made
up of an amazing group of future leaders.
They have organized events for each
month of the school year. Their major goal
is to make sure first years know about SUS
but to also get them involved. I'm very
happy to be working with budding leaders.
SUS will be accountable to Science students this year. SUS will do things for Science students and you will know about it!
Have a good exam period and I'll see you
all in 2005!
Vanessa Ho
Director of Sports
Hey guyz! Congrats on a term well
played! I hope you all had fun
playing in your different leagues
these past couple months. I also hope you
got to meet a few new faces as well =)
Good luck to Science, Dope, Cpsc ballerz,
Chemical Warfare, Biohazard, Philly,
Team Lollipops, Hit me, Six pack, Set to
kill, Almighty CSP, Misa Maniacs, Angry
Pandas, Serving you right, Furious Jorges,
the Josi, Volleyballa's, Volley my ballz,
Hucking fooligans, Crazy sets, Arm pita,
and the Blazers who are starting their playoffs this weekend. And well done to the
Neutrinos, Stack on me, Vitamin G, Hex,
Leaf me alone, Soccer it to me, Bucaraman-
ga CF, Raccoons and Team England who
invaded the dome! Woohooooo-
Awesome Science representing at Day of
the Longboat, Urban Challenge, Gladiator,
Globefest, Innertube watepolo and Insomniac Softball. I'm so excited to see you all
representing science and having fun at the
same time! Keep up the involvement in
2nd term-
I encourage you all to tell your friends
about getting involved and playing on a
team...and about the whole rebate system -
at least a 50% discount, hanging out with
fun people while playing the sports you
love... what more could you ask for??? =)
A quick reminder for those that want to
celebrate with your team, the league social
is happening Tuesday, November 30th @
Thunderbar (on top of the ice rink)
I want to also remind you of the upcoming SUS sports rebate deadline.
***Thursday, November 25th @ 3pm***
This will be the last day where you can
submit to me your application for a sports
rebate for term 1. Please include:
1) sport/event and team name
2) roster and receipt
3) team capt and contact info
4) name and contact info.
If you have any further questions, please
feel free to email me.
REMINDER: January 7th is the registration deadline for most leagues. Remember
to start putting your teams together NOW,
before you run out of time and are all too
preoccupied with the Christmas holidays!!
Luv, your lovely D. of sports,
Vanessa 23 rd November 2004
Page Seven
More Bits and Pieces of SUS
Jonathan Lam
Director of Publications
Last 432 of the year? Wow, I can't
believe we made it this far. Hopefully this issue will provide you with
enough material to help you pass the time
(ie: procrastinate) during the extra long
exam period. I don't know about you guys
but my exams go all the way until the 21st,
ugh... So aside from 6 stunningly successful issues of the 432, it looks like we've got
an issue of The Paradigm coming up!
For those of you unfamiliar with the Paradigm, it's SUS' official "serious" magazine.
We've got an awesome group of editors
and assistant editors who have put a lot of
work into making it happen so definitely
check it out! They're shiny!
Aside from that, the next issue of the 432
will come out in January and it'll be our
grand science week issue! Hopefully all of
you reading this will submit an article or
two, and maybe even drop by the IFPO to
help put it together. We'll even feed you!
So look out next year for new 432 stuff.
I've heard rumors that we might be getting
tons of cool stuff, like t-shirts and other
prizes. So stay tuned! Same 432 time, same
432 channel!
Good luck on your exams everyone, hopefully none of you need it as much as I do.
Complaints? Compliments? Bribes?
Justine Chan
Public Relations Officer
Where has the time gone? The last
issue of 432 2004 already? This is
the first exec report I've written!!!
(sorry Jon...=) I guess time just flies when
you're havin' a BLAST! And no doubt a
blast we've had. SUS Open House 2004 just
took place this Friday...I'd like to thank
everyone who came out. Apparently, it
was quite the success compared to years
previous.. .we ran out of doughnuts within
half an hour and we had to get you guys
more food!!! I promise more yummy TIM-
BITS next time, so keep an eye out for the
ads in the new year! We just want to
emphasize that the SUS lounge & study
area is there for YOUR use...so stop by
more often. If there's anything you think
we could improve, don't hesitate to let any
of us know!
For all you kids GRADUATING THIS
YEAR: are you excited or what?!? Well,
before you leave, don't you think it'd be
nice to contribute a lil something something back to UBC - specifically in your
area of study? As some of you may already
know, the 2005 CLASS ACT campaign
happens annually and is about to start up
shortly. The point is for students in their
respective areas of study to choose a 'gift'
then raise money to 'buy' this 'gift' for
their department - this gift will then benefit the quality of education in some way or
another for succeeding students. I'm asking you now to think hard about what's
important/needed within your department... and then let your department rep
or myself know! The gift of choice must be
finalized by Dec. 6, then campaigning
begins in January. If you have ANY questions or suggestions at all, I'd love to hear
from ya...so holler @ me!
I'd also like to thank everyone who's come
out to our events. In particular, ETHANOL
was OFF THE HIZZLE because of your
support. It made Anna-Marie & my advertising in EVERY SINGLE FREAKN FLOOR
Unfortunately, I was unable to witness the
success as I was bedridden with the flu &
fever that very fateful day. No worries, cuz
I'll see y'all @ COLD FUSION right????
Last day of Science Week - so mark it on
your calendars: Guaranteed good times!
Also watch out for opportunitiess to participate in charity events (yes, I know y'all
are starving students, but there are others
needier!) as we will be whipping up some
crazy charity events in the new year! That's
all for now folks! Hope everyone had a
good and successful year...if not, there's
always Term 2 =D
Oh, and good luck on your F LS!!!
From your crazy but faithful PRO,
^y AMS Happenings
Mike Long
AMS Correspondent
In case you didn't already know, UBC
has a student society called the Alma
Mater Society (AMS). The AMS student council is comprised of students from
each faculty, who work together to advocate issues that are relevant to students
needs and interests. As AMS Science counsellors, we get feedback on pertinent issues
from the Science Undergraduate Society,
and report back to the AMS on how our
Science students feel. Some of the recent
items of discussion are:
-Mclnnis Field: UBC Rec recently sought
feedback from the AMS on the possible
conversion of Mclnnis Field from grass
into Astroturf. The AMS council however,
could not reach a resolution on whether we
supported or did not support this proposed change.
-Tuition Policy: The AMS recently passed
a policy, where we do not support differential tuition, nor do we support a tuition
increase that exceeds CPI (CPI = Consumer
Price Index; an increase that mirrors the
rate of inflation).
Our meetings are held once every two
weeks in the SUB Council Chambers. I
encourage all students to come out to the
AMS meetings, as the more voices we
have, the better chance we have of being
heard! If you have any questions/comments regarding the AMS please let me
know at mjlong@interchange.ubc.ca.
Visit sus.ubc.ca for more
info and a free puppy.
("■disclaimer: puppy may or may not still have eyeballs.)
Reka Pataky
Director of Finance
Well, the end of term is almost here
and it's time for me to get some
serious studying done, but first a
quick finance report for the beloved 432.
On Tuesday, November 16th, Budget
Committee met and allocated the club
grants for Term I, which were approved in
Council later that week. For a little background info, at least $2 of every Science
student's SUS fees go towards funding for
our Science clubs, because we love them so
gosh darn much. The grants are then given
out based on the membership of the club,
and the leftover money goes out based on
This year, Budget Committee decided to
give out $2 per club member, and save 40%
of the leftover money for grants in Term II.
All in all, we gave out $12,443.20 in one-
and-a-half hours (man, I love spending
money) to all Science clubs in attendance,
and have set aside $3,556.80 for grants in
Term II. Clubs should be receiving their
grants sometime before the end of term,
and the second round of allocations, along
with grad fee rebates, will take place
whenever I get the rebate money next
In other news, SUS has received its first
installment of student fees from the Faculty so now we actually have money to
spend! Student fees are where we get a
large majority of our revenue, so getting
this money is always a momentous occasion.
One new and exciting expense that was
approved by Council a few weeks ago was
for a new student-use computer! That's
right, the always wonderful LSK 202 is getting a spanking' new computer. Drop in
and visit SUS, where the pop is cheap, the
water cooler is free, and a computer is,
well, new.
Courtney Campbell
Executive Secretary
Hello Again to the Very Few and
Loyal People Who Read my Exhilarating Reports,
I suppose I shall give an update on the
Code & Policy Committee proceedings.
We had our first meeting and I am pleased
to say that it was efficient and brilliantly
conducted! We have made some minor
proposed changes to the Code, which we
hope to implement before the end of Term
1. These changes will go to SUS Council at
our last meeting of the year, and hopefully
Council will deem them all appropriate
and they will be passed. I of course invite
you all to have your say about these proposed changes on Thursday December 2nd
at lpm in the SUB Council Chambers. In
Term 2, the committee plans to tackle those
issues which we expect to be controversial
and contentious among councilors and
quite possibly all Science students - I'm not
even joking about this. No seriously, there
will be scandal, there will be debate, there
will be mayhem. Seriously. I suppose you
stay tuned to my reports for all the juicy
details, tee hee.
And lastly, I have been receiving numerous emails from distraught Science students who are unable to attend SUS Council, but would really like to be keep up to
speed on all the happenings. Well maybe
the emails haven't been numerous...okay
maybe there haven't really been any... But
honestly people you should be at least
moderately, or at least slightly interested
in what goes on at SUS Council. So to satisfy your undeniable curiosity, I direct you
to check out the 'Minutes of SUS Council'
link on our website, www.sus.ubc.ca, for a
summary of what issues we have been discussing and implementing that relate to
your undergraduate experience as a Science student. No joke - this kind of information could make or break your
degree...maybe. Alright, I believe this has
been a sufficient amount of rambling...
until we meet again faithful readers! :o)
Patricia Lau
I hope everyone has had a good term!
Now what has SUS been up to this fall?
Well the executives have been doing
lots of good work so make sure to read
what everyone's been up to and if any of it
interests you, get involved next term!
On my front, the social space designs have
been finalized! Read all about it and see the
floor plans in the Paradigm. I can also happily tell you that the construction of the
social space will definitely begin next term
and will be completed eight to nine
months following ground breaking. That
means this time next year we will be in a
brand new building that will be a fantastic
place to study, socialize and have functions.
Otherwise, the AMS passed a tuition policy a few weeks ago so read about that here
in the 432. This year SUS is doing our very
best to reach out and consult students
about what they want and how they feel.
For instance, we have consulted the students and have had some great discussions
in SUS Council about important issues
such as the tuition policy and the fate of
Mclnnis Field. If you are ever interested in
knowing more about what is happening on
this campus and what Science is up to feel
free to come to our open SUS Council
meetings at lpm on Thursdays in SUB 206.
And lastly, as always, check out all of SUS'
happenings at www.sus.ubc.ca.
Good luck with your exams!
Anna Marie Bueno
Social Coordinator
So it looks like this term is coming to a
close and with me being voted in as
SoCo almost half way into the term, it
feels as though I've barely even started;
although, being able to kick off my 04/05
term with what was a most enjoyable event
(i.e. Ethanol), is hopefully a promising sign
of great things to come. Speaking of
Ethanol, I, first off, would like to thank
everyone who made it the success that it
was and second of all, I'd like to thank
everyone who attended. I must say, there
are some things about this SoCo gig that I
just love.
In other news, the social committee has
finally been established and I would like to
congratulate the following people for making the committee:
Kiran Bisra
Edward Cheung
Lisa Frey
Cameron Funnell
Lars Junclaus
Francis Moon
Marlon Richmond
Dave Riendl
I'm really looking forward to working
with y'all and I'm sure we're going to have
a great time coordinating social events for
SUS! Page Eight
23rd November 2004
Trapped in a Japanese Love Hotel
Jo Krack
Room serviced
If you've ever lived in Japan, or listened
to the rantings of someone who has,
you know that Japanese architecture
may be pretty on the outside, but it often
leaves a lot to be desired in terms of practicalities. For example, a lack of central heating means that I live in an apartment-sized
freezer all winter. I can just leave ice cream
lying around the house with nary a fear of
it melting! Another irritation is the thin
walls: not only am I unable to block out the
daily incomprehensible loudspeaker
announcements from outside, but I am also
stuck listening to my neighbours, whether
they be running the taps, doing laundry,
fighting with each other, or making up.
The Japanese themselves also have a problem with the thin walls, because when
combined with the nosiness of neighbours,
they make discreet encounters rather indiscreet affairs. You just can't bring your girlfriend (or mistress, or prostitute) back to
your place without everyone in a five kilometre radius knowing about it before
you've even consummated the affair!
Thus, the Japanese have a wonderful
invention: the love hotel. Sounds romantic,
doesn't it? Actually, love hotels were
invented to give prostitutes a place to take
their "dates": you can choose to pay a
reduced rate for just a "stay" (usually
around 2-3 hours) rather than paying more
for the whole night. But with grown men
and women living at home until marriage
and sick of screwing around in cars, parents needing privacy for some intimacy,
and of course people having illicit affairs,
love hotels are not just for prostitutes anymore.
So of course, I decided I had to go try one
out myself. Lacking a lover, I settled for a
male friend to be my "date." We spent the
evening dancing at a popular Osaka nightclub, then wander around the seedy alleyways, looking for love hotels. They're pretty easy to spot, because they're far gaudier
than regular hotels, and they advertise two
or three prices: rest, longer rest, stay. We
got rejected from a couple (either they
were booked up, or they didn't like the
idea of renting a room to two non-Japanese
people), but we finally found "1st Pocket
Hotel." Because you never forget your first
pocket... huh?
We entered the empty foyer and were
faced with a wall display full of photos of
rooms. Prices were listed under each
(fancier rooms were more expensive).
Those that were vacant were flashing. We
picked an available room, pressed the button, and received a slip of paper telling us
to go to Room 403. We passed the front
desk on the way to the elevator, but there
was no one there. The staff were probably
in a back office, watching us on the security cameras. Love hotels try to minimize
contact with guests as much as possible, as
discretion is paramount.
Up we went to good old Room 403, wondering when we were going to be asked for
money. A light above the door was flashing, and the door was unlocked so we went
in. Inside, in the tiny lobby area, was a
machine where we were supposed to
insert the money for the room. Perfect!
Except the machine wouldn't take our bills.
After trying to insert money over and over,
we gave up and decided to go back down
to the lobby to try to do the transaction in
Good plan, except that the front door,
through which we had entered, was now
locked. Slight moment of panic, amplified
by the fact that the two of us (and our
bulky backpacks) were now trapped in a
tiny area between the front door and the
door to the bedroom. I took a deep breath
and opened the door to the bedroom — if
that had been locked, I probably would've
freaked out. But the love gods smiled on
us, and we were able to take off our backpacks, sit on the bed comfy bed, and wonder how the hell we were ever going to get
out of the room.
Soon the in-room phone rang; the front
desk wanted to know why we hadn't paid
for the room yet. In my best Japanese, I
explained that the door wouldn't open. She
asked if we'd paid yet, and if the bills we
were using were crumpled, etc etc. Finally
I got her to come up to the room. So a few
minutes later, the doorbell rings, and
instead of the door opening, this tiny little
doggie-door (yes, at ground level!!)
BESIDE the door opens! Everything was
angled so that we could hear her and she
could theoretically pass us food or videos
or sex toys or something (yes, there was a
sex toy menu in the room, but one of the
items—I think it might have been a cockring or something, the picture was too
blurry to tell—was called "Son's Eyes" and
that creeped me right out), but we couldn't
see each other. Hail privacy.
So, again in my best Japanese, I tried to
explain that we were locked in. "Are you
going anywhere?" she asked.
"No, Tm not going anywhere, but the door
is locked from the outside!"
"But you're not going out, right?"
"That's not the point! Why am I locked
"It's for security."
"To keep others out or to keep me in??
What if there was a fire?"
"In the case of an emergency, we would
open all the doors immediately, by computer."
Finally I had to admit defeat; this is how
things are done in some love hotels, and
they weren't going to change the system
for me. We managed to get the machine to
accept less-crumpled bills, so the paying-
for-the-room problem was solved. In the
morning, all we had to do was press the
checkout button on the machine (once I
deciphered the Japanese) and the door graciously unlocked and let us out of our little
"love prison." I still don't think I'd trust a
hotel like that if there were an emergency,
(I can just see the hotel staff: "Fire! ...
Quick! Free the prostitutes!" As if that
would be their first concern.) Plus, what if
someone was assaulted in one of those
rooms? How would he or she be able to
flee? As a friend of mine put it, "No love,
Anyway, maybe I'll just pay the little bit
extra for having the freedom to leave my
room at will and stay in a regular hotel
next time. On the other hand, I might miss
the novelty of ordering sex toys and having the staff slip them through the doggie-
door! Now that's service!
Jo Krack
Commerce Students Think About Money
Andrew Provan
Walks, talks, juliennesi
At any university, and especially at
UBC, students spend a significant
amount of time walking around
campus. Whether it be from class to class,
or to the SUB, or in one of the university's
beautiful gardens, UBC guarantees that
students will do a tremendous amount of
And so, it was only a matter of time before
someone asked, "What are all these people
thinking about as they walk around?"
UBC's Department of Neurology took the
leap, and recently conducted a study
among students in different faculties at
UBC. The purpose of the study was to get
an idea of what students actually think
about as they meander or march to their
various destinations on campus. The
study surveyed students from different
faculties to see if there were any observable
trends. As the Neurology Department
Head Roger Stackridge pointed out, "Students have a lot of personal time to think
when they're walking. What's more, a lot
of researchers are keen to know if students
from different faculties exhibit different
personality types. I think, by capturing
their 'wandering thoughts,' we can add to
the database that will, one day, allow students to know with which faculty their
personality type is most compatible."
The study was conducted by Ph.D. students of the Department of Neurology
over a period of one week. Students were
approached at random on campus and
asked the question "As you walk around
campus on your daily routine, what three
things, in order, occupy your thoughts the
most?" The students gave their answers,
and their faculty was recorded. The results
showed some remarkable trends. 67% of
Commerce students included "money" as
an answer, and 21% said specifically the
thought of stealing someone else's money.
However, only 1% expressed concern for
not having a soul. 70% of Engineering students answered at least one of "bridges,"
"Quantum theory," and "the threat of giant
robots using satellites to magnify the sun's
rays into deadly solar beams, with which
they will destroy all of humankind."   An
astounding 54% of Arts students said
"unemployment" was in their top three,
while 24% of Human Kinetics students
admitted that the choice between unemployment and P.E. teacher is "disturbing."
A top three answer for 44% of Science students was "[just happy to be in Canada]"
(note: the response usually had to be translated or corrected for grammar). An
alarming 74% of Science students
expressed anxiety due to the possibility of
not being admitted to Medical school
resulting in their decapitation at the hands
of their parents. No Nursing students
were found in this study. A subscale of
this study was designed for Fraternity and
Sorority members, but was aborted after
all attempted interviews resulted in either
the student hitting on the interviewer, or
the student not understanding the question and expressing a painful, blank,
dumbfounded look.
Evidently, significant trends were present in this study. Next edition: Why people who stereotype are evil.


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