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The 432 Sep 7, 2001

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 VOLUME FIFTEEN ISSUE ONE
07 SEPTEMBER 2001
In this issue:
Missing Editors!
Dead Pool Invitations!
and so much less...
Uncut Coke!
'Don't look at me, you elected him/
-Al Gore
UBC Overrun by Horde of Frosh
Fifth Boatload of First Years Arrives Off Wreck Beach
Reuters, Vancouver
Those wandering the UBC campus
this fall might notice an abundance
of young, eager, naive, virulent students with spirits yet to be crushed by the
world and dreams of plum pudding and
medical school dancing in their innocent
little heads.
There are in fact more frosh attending
UBC than ever before. Like rats, they have
overpopulated the dorms and are now
spilling out into the lounges where they
are breeding and further increasing the
overpopulation crisis.
"Good God, they're everywhere! Help me
please god help me.... they're biting my
ankles!", cried UBC housing hygiene technician Mahara Jacksen before being overcome by a wave of particularly eager students as they flocked to the cafeteria in
search of fresh meat.
When contacted by the 432 last week, UBC
Plant Ops was direct. "We hope to achieve
nothing less than a full-scale eradication",
said head journeyman Joseph McCain.
"Small packets of poison have been placed
in all the First Year hangouts; the SUB
South Plaza, the Bus Loop, and the Pit, as
we all know the only students in that dungeon are underaged hormone driven
[expletive removed] s with fake IDs. Failing
that, we have planned to post snipers
armed with dart guns filled with intravenous contraceptives on the roofs of all
junior residences in a last ditch effort to
contain the population explosion.
With the massive influx of new students,
even first year Arts courses are hard to
come by. Applicants to Food Service 101
have been waitlisted since early July. Those
who were unable to register early will
unfortunately be without their McCo-op
placement.
Not all students are worried about the
crowded streets, full classes and overflowing dorms. One fresh-eyed frosh, still too
young to shave, remarked "Look at all
those girls! My dad says that there are neat
things you can do with girls. He also said
'build a bigger stapler and they will come',
and something about a watermelon.
Strange guy, my dad."
Population Biology PhD student Gwen
Gordon, however, was excited about the
research possibilities. "How often does one
get the chance to observe, first-hand, the
mating of Homo Sapiens-Primus Annos?
Through the proper application of ether
alcohol, they can easily be provoked into a
sexual frenzy. Why, last weekend, I hardly
got any sleep, I was so busy cataloguing
male sizes, endurances, and relative
prowess in my Fairview laboratory."
Similar attitudes have been encountered
from other post-frosh students. Officials
are not as worried about a second wave of
similar overpopulation from non-frosh
and frosh copulation, as the non-frosh
THE. FAKING LOT 15 fOLL
by Jack McLaren and Pat Spacek
htt p://www. plif.com
species are normally less intoxicated and
so more likely to perform pre-copulation
rituals involving rubber or heading south.
The problems inherent in frosh overpopulation are having many and far-reaching
consequences. So much of the University's
resources are currently tied up in attending to the basic needs of the current student body that the administration has had
to cut out such frivolous expenses as Science labs, English classes, and, evidently,
their entire forward-planning staff.
"I blame last year's frosh for the problems
we've been having coping with the little
bas - uh, the kids coming in this year"
exclaimed former Campus and Academic
Planning advisor Marjorie Kay. "At first, it
was all roses and song. A major windfall; I
mean, with all the students - and their
associated tuition and ancillary fees - coming into the University, we thought we'd be
rolling in it. We could finally afford to pay
for that reflecting pool behind the Museum
of Anthropology. Little did we know that
they'd actually want us to spend their
money on services and amenities for them.
Little ingrates." Ms. Kay was subsequently
escorted back to her office by Campus
Security.
As of press time, conservation officials are
reporting encouraging numbers, and are
calling their quest to cull the first year population a modest success. Unfortunately, at
the same time, the campaign to introduce
contraceptives into the student population
has fallen flat on its back, much like the
student population.
As a result of these mixed successes, hundreds of first year students have been left
without placement in residence at the start
of the semester, and alternative housing
options are being considered. Proposals
have included the Endowment Lands, the
SUB Conversation Pit, Wreck Beach, and
the residence of UBC President Dr. Martha
Piper.
When questioned about the possibility of
accommodating the extra students herself,
Dr. Piper was adamant: "I refuse to have
my house overrun by those easily aroused,
hairless, sex-obsessed, coitus crazy, orgy
loving, deflowering, take-it-anywhere-
everywhere-anytime-all-the-time-all-at-
once-right-there-oh-yeah-baby-baby-yes-
YES-YES!, orgasm hungry, fellatio addicted, insatiably horny, disease-spreading,
moisture-loving, orally excitable, just-fig-
uring-out-where-to-put-"it", promiscuous
teenaged addicts.
"Imagine® what could happen to my
Jacuzzi! Just Think About It!™ Do you
know how difficult it is to clean that
damned filter? Fucking hard!"
"Some tough times seem in the works for
UBC", remarked Barney Glotz "but I think
we need to focus on the real tragedy here:
There are more artsies."
Coke ODs On Rise
So he was dead... was that any reason to discriminate against him?
Huh?!? YOU GODDAMN BIGOT! I HATE YOU!!! HATE YOUH!
CP, Point Grey
In what the university is terming "accidental death", a freshman has apparently drowned after consuming a dangerous quantity of Coca Cola beverages.
Officials would not immediatly say
whether there had been drinking involved,
but sources close to the deceased indicate
that the individual perished after consuming approximately 9.6 L of Coca Cola in a
residence "funneling" game.
The death is blamed on pressure to meet
consumption quotas - as set out in a
UBC/Coca-Cola funding contract - as well
as a reduced residence advisor presence in
overcrowded undergraduate residences.
Of the two RA's hired in Totem park, only
one remained after the long weekend, with
the second still missing after disappearing
into a three-person dorm room late Saturday night.
Other incidents in residences have already
occurred this year, but none have had the
severity of the Totem accident. "We were
just sitting around, drinking Coke, and the
next thing you know, there he is, foaming
at the mouth, choking on the stuff", said
resident Mark Stewart, "it's really sad."
The contract between Coca Cola and the
university stipulates that, in exchange for
$8.5 million in funding, UBC may only sell
Coke cold beverages. An additional clause
states that UBC must "encourage" non-
university organized functions to sell
Coca-cola beverages. When asked to elaborate on the use of the word "encourage",
AMS President Erfan Kazemi's only comment was a Mephistophelian laugh. Figures show that the university is falling far
short of the required Coke sales of 1.19 million litres per year; it is speculated that to
meet the quota the AMS management is
encouraging unhealthy consumption practices it would not otherwise condone.
Tom Lehrer, an emergency worker at the
UBC hospital, observed that the number of
students treated for Dr Pepper withdrawal
is up slightly this year, with 28 students
admitted for treatment over the 23 cases
seen last September.
As usual, former UBC president, David
Strangway, could not be found to comment. It is not known whether the current
President, Martha Piper, plans to begin
serving pop at her infamous "Breakfast
With The President". Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
07 SEPTEMBER 2001
Volume Fifteen
Issue One
05 September 2000
Tongue
Dan Anderson
josander@interchange.ubc.ca
Taste Buds
Bree Baxter
Jay Garcia
Ryan Moraschewifz
Lana Rupp
Ben Warrington (almost)
Saliva
Bree Baxter
Wade Carmichael
[somuchspaaam@hotmail.com)
Jay Garcia
Michael Groves
Death Herself
Kristen Lyons
Andy Martin
Anna Orzechowski
Lana Rupp
Kat Scotton
Reka Sztopa
That Guy from PSA
Ben Warrington
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Web Sites
http://www.ams.ubc.ca/sus/
http://seercom.com/sus/432/
Legal Information
The 432 is published once every
two weeks from Colonel Klinck 202,
as long as we have enough crack to
go around. The 432 is the official
publication of the Science Undergraduate Society.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers and hurting crackwhores,
urm, editors, and as such are not
the responsibility of The 432, The
Science Undergraduate Society, or
the Faculty of Science. Writers and
cartoonists are encouraged to submit their material to The 432.
Unless it's crap. Then send it to the
Underground or the Ubyssey. Submissions must meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle
thrice, and contain the author's
name and contact information.
Putting a little crack in the envelope
can get your article in more easily.
While you're at it, take the time to
recycle this paper. Trees take forever to come back. Just like oil, baby.
Rapeseed oil scares me.
And lastly: Go play with monkeys.
They bite.
In Absentia Editor-Boy
Ben Warrington
PowerMac
Editorial Style
This editorial style was started a long time
ago. I believe the orginator was Blair Mac-
Donald (please forgive me if I have mis-
attributed it). (Actually, it was Hallett, dum-
bass. -asst. ed) I don't think I ever met him,
but I am told he taught Jay Garcia, the
fuzzy Budha, so I suppose that dates him
pretty badly No offense, Jay. Anyway, it
seems that every editor since has stolen
this style of editorial and claimed it for
themselves, so now it is mine, and yes,
damnit, I invented.it. All of those other
people stole it from me. Bow down to my
evident greatness.
15th Anniversary
This paper was started 14 years ago. I
would have been seven at the time. I
would have been going into grade three.
Mrs. Stern's class, I believe. The 432 is now
into its fifteenth year of publication. I am
so honoured by being editor during this
momentous period of time that I can't even
be bothered to show up for work..
Co-op
So I am supposedly on co-op work term
right now. I keep going there; I sure hope
they are still paying me. In case you
haven't gathered from all of the really subtle hints, I have been and am working in
Calgary. In the Space Astronomy Laboratory at the University of Calgary to be precise. My UBC Science coffee mug goes over
really well here. You should buy one. It's 18
bucks, I think. Look for the ad somewhere
in this issue.
McDonald's
It is a sad day when you have to walk out
of McDonald's for bad service. I do not
really expect much from minimum wage
workers, nor do I think that the job inspires
hard work from anyone employed there. I
do think, though, that when there are two
tills open, and I am second in line that they
might be able to get to me to take my order
in less than ten minutes. Apparently, that is
not so. When I walked out, it did provide
some amusement to the people in the long
line that had formed behind me, though.
The Guide
I spent a good part of my summer, and a
good part of your money, working on the
Guide. It is the Science Undergraduate
Society's summer mailout and guide to
UBC. Much thanks to everyone who
helped, especially those who spent a
ridiculous amount of time labelling and
sorting the Guides for mailing. If it hasn't
shown up, yet, hopefully, you will get one
in the mail this week. Better late than
never, I suppose. It is full of wonderful
stuff. Well, okay, mostly full of wonderful
stuff: There is some pointless filler in there.
Andy Martin in the Bronx
I am not sure whether to worry about
Andy, or to worry about the Bronx.
Ben doesn't know this, but we've been following him around Calgary with a video camera.
10 min of him in Kinkos, $2. 30 min of him in
the massage therapy center, $19.99. 9 min of
him wandering downtown aimlessly, 2 min of
shady conversation, and 2 hours of him talking about the pretty coloured cement sidewalk
before he starts vomiting, $29.99.
-ed
"The machine required to do that would be as large as the
entire universe and would not be feasible under current economic conditions."
- Stephen Hawking
De Facto Editor Boy
Dan Anderson
Red Haired Demon of Death
The editorial style that Ben claims as
his (above) is not. Ifs really mine. No
kidding. (For fuck's sake, it was John
Hallett! -ed) But, since ifs been overused so
much (srew it, I give up. -ed) I'm going to
swtich to a more conventional article style
for this editorial.
Bree and Jay and Lana and Ryan. They are
my new idols. If you find them at a bzzr
garden, buy them a fuckload of booze,
they deserve it. Yay Bree and Jay (and others).
(random topic jump) Stress is good. Stress
is the human bodies' response to abundant
stimuli; by tensing muscles, increasing
heart rate, putting more adrenalin in the
bloodstream, and taking blood and energy
away from digestion, the body becomes
more alert, and there's more energy for
running, hunting, etc. Of course, this also
means that I'm sitting here typing, muscles
cramping, getting an ulcer. Fuck stress.
While on the topic of 'fuck stress', perhaps'
you've noticed that I use vulgar language,
irrespectful imagery (well, maybe not yet,
hold on for that one), and am generally
uncouth. I feel I should proffer an apology
to all of those who are offended by my
writing. Sorry. Now fuck off and go read
the Underground. I hear they managed to
be bland enough to not even rile up a single campus christian club. Like eating
boiled cabbage...
Campus christian clubs - these make me
laugh. Would you believe, there's one (the
CCC itself, actually, I believe) who has a set
of videos in their office. Amongst the likes
of "Gays: the Homosexual Lie" and company, is one which never fails to make the
giggler in me bubble up through the dank
slime that I call my innards. Ifs title is
"Militant Evangalism", and it features a
full-colour picture of a tank, firing, with a
torso of a saluting soldier superimposed
over a quarter of it. Think about that for a
moment. I can think of so many great subtitles - "Convert them - or kill them!" -
wouldn't it be great? Or "Love everyone -,
but hate those who don't believe!" I'm-
going to stop now before I get more angry,
and more of me starts to spontaneously
cramp. Any disbelievers, got to the SUB,
down by the Pride and the Sci-Fi book
club, to the glass doors overlooking McK-
innis field. Ifs the leftmost wood door you
can see from outside. (CCC, I hope you're
happy, you just got free advertising.)
Wade could use more advertising. Wade is
writing us a column; we a) want submissions for a title (there might be a prize
available) and b) he wants letters. Mail him
at somuchspaaam@hotmail.com, and enjoy
the honour of having your letter published
in the 432.
Blueberries are good snacks. Just thought
I'd throw that in there.
Has anyone else noticed that ifs squirrel
mating season right now? Everywhere I
turn, the fuckers are fucking. Ooops,
there's that uncouthness bit again. I swear,
I walked from Vanier to Klink, and sure
enough, I saw THREE couples of them
going at it on the way. Is there a squirrel
phermone being emitted or something? Is
there a human equivalent that I can buy
under the counter, over the counter, or on
the black market? Please?
I need a byline. I was under the impression that I couldn't give myself a byline;
that's going to change. Suggestions welcomed. A prize might also be in order for
this one.
Upcoming Intramural Sports Stuff
September 2001 ; '
Registration Deadline for Ultimate Hat Tournament
October 2001
ReqiMr jtion Deadline for the Day of
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Sept 16. ^   , Oct 12 Registration Di>odline for theianer Tube Water Polo
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Sept 24: ^      <? i
3-on-3 Basketball Tousramenjt
Registration Deadline for the €S*©at Trek Relay, Fall Broomball
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3-on-3 Basketball Championships
Registration Deadline for t|| West Coast Wfin&tedon Tennis Tourney
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Sept 29: West Coast wfSedon Tennis Tourney
MiAa 05 SEPTEMBER 2001
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
Doctors and Nurses and Pimps, Oh My!
www4omuchspaaam@homail.com
write him letters!
Dan, here's the final version. It tops out at
1485 words, which comes out at 7 Sis by my
count. Put them in an unmarked plain brown
cardboard box and leave them in the yellow
house at the corner of 13th and Ontario,
marked 'For Wade'. More instructions to follow.
I could tell you all about the fun year that
lies ahead of you all at UBC, you cute
young little frosh you. But everyone
knows ifs a lie. It won't really be fun until
First year is over; ifs just a thing you have
to get through. I'm not going to try and tell
you how to be a model scientist or artist or
whatever, because we all know that people
who "play at the frontiers of, knowledge"
are usually boring pompous ego-freaks
who are never any fun at parties. Foucalt
was a great thinker, brilliant philosopher,
but he understood that work was work,
and it didn't get mixed up with his leather
queen moments or his LSD parties. Charles
Darwin, great guy, did some incredible
Biology, but he left the books at home
when popping over to his friends for a
"squiffy ether jag".
Speaking of Darwin, I read in the obituaries that a really great guy died just recently, and we should spare a moment to
remember him. Sir Fred Hoyle, 86, passed
away in London on Aug 22. Now, this guy
was cool. He was an astronomer, which is
actually a pretty sexy job to begin with
(you think I'm joking, but name me any
other job where sufficient working conditions require you to be in Hawaii most of
the year. Oh, yeah, and you sleep pretty
much all day - on the beach I guess, how
sad - because you'll be working at night,
stopping off for just the odd Mai Tai
between photo shoots). But he did other
cool stuff too.
Remember that weird urban myth about
sunspots causing the flu? Fred Hoyle started that one. He also linked sunspots to
AIDS and Legionaire's disease. Then he got
onto this whole deal about Darwin (see,
there was a link) being completely wrong
about evolution and natural selection.
Called him a raving idiot. When some
annoying fossil turned up that was half
reptile, half bird and seemed to back Up
Darwin's theories, Hoyle concluded that it
must be a fraud. He wrote about concrete
feathers being pasted on after the fact by
the discoverers. The guy was a nutcase, he
thought that space aliens dropped mutant
cells onto the earth from rocks in space. We
need more people like that in science. His
heavy element work won his partner the
Nobel Prize. He was smart, just crazy. Lefs
all pause a moment for Fred.
Anyway, I'm not going to try and offer
you some kind of sage advice for the coming year, even if you are a frosh. The words
of wisdom shit is just too easy a path to
take. Ifs just so old. So, what does that
leave?
I could rap about how useless BC Transit
are, but ifs not exactly original about now.
Every torn dick and sally jessy raphael,
and their little dog too, knows how shitty
BC transit are ever since the strike. The
only thing worse than the strike was when
it ended and we had to face how truly
awful the service is. And I'm not talking
about the drivers, who are pretty cool for
the most part. I'm talking about... oh,
never mind. Picking on BC transit is like
trying to make fun of George Bush because
he's not as smart as, well, as anything really. We know. You know. Lefs move on.
I could talk about Doctors, Nurses, or
something hospital related, but ifs the
same problem right now. And almost any
student who has every spent more than
five hours on campus actually trying to
study will have had problems with the
administration. Ifs weird, because the
actual profs - once you get to them - are
mostly pretty cool. But god help you if you
live in Res. Or want to get a refund. Or
want to get into a full course. Again, ifs
like selling fridges to eskimoes. What's the
point? Maybe later in the term.
There's a theme here. I mostly find real
people (actual Teachers or Professors, Bus
Drivers, Doctors, Nurses, Guys that ride
ambulances and make the blinkies) to be
fun and interesting people who generally
make everyone's life happier, and I like to
think that you feel the same way. We want
to meet more of these people. You want to
meet more of these people. Instead, you
only seem to ever find the people who
want to choose what colour to paint the
hall after they've told you to fill out fifteen
different forms that all tell you various reasons why whatever it is that you want isn't
available anymore, and even if it were it
would be too good for you, while helping
themselves to the contents of your wallet.
These people should be punished. Often.
Maybe they are, but in that case what did
we do to deserve being thrown in with
them? Take me. I'm good with small animals. I help old ladies across the road.
Sometimes ifs even the right road. Anyway, that's not for today.
I guess I should provide some kinda service for anyone who read this far. Okay.
Here it is: food of the week. Except you'll
only get this every two weeks, which is
probably bimonthly or some such shit, but
like who actually is taking notes? Shut up,
keener. Anyway, food of the whatever. This
first time, just this once, the food will be on
campus. I won't do this ever again, mostly
'cause I hate lying and most of the food on
this campus is just slightly less fun than
grandma's old underwear. BUT if you have
the time to go all the way out to the village,
between the Weird grocery store with the
nice ladies who listen to Andrew Lloyd
Weber and Benny's Bagels, there are stairs
that go down into the basement food court.
Go there.
Why?
Okay, here's why. Right at the back of that
store is a Chinese restaurant called something like Hong-Kong takeout or whatever.
Ifs hard to miss, the decorator for the place
was obviously given eight pints of scotch
and tin of yellow paint and told to just let
'er rip, bud. But they have cool food. You
can get tomatoes and cod belly on rice. Or
spicy szechuan chicken. Or dry ginger beef
with noodles and wonton. You can get six
little jelly-cup things full of lychee jelly for
about a buck, probably the cheapest and
best tasting sex accessory you can find anywhere. Plus they can be frozen and used as
Ice cubes in drinks. I've even heard some
people just eat them as they are. When
your food finally comes -It actually gets
cooked instead of just served up - you get
way more food then you'll get from the
Moon at the same price. As an extra bonus,
you won't need to sign up at the Betty Ford
clinic to withdraw from all the MSG they
pretend that they don't put in your food.
(I don't know if they still do it, but the
moon used to claim that they didn't put
any MSG in their food. This lie is up there
with "I am not a crook", "I never inhaled"
And "I don't know why I was running
from the police. I had nothing to do with
the death of Nicole Simpson." as one of the
least believable lies of all time. Come on,
guys. I keep a spare order of sweet and
sour pork at home in case the power fails at
night. I can use the lemon chicken to refill
my highleter pen when the ink runs out.
Really.)
There's also a cute store down there that
sells coconut buns for less than a buck,
which is a good deal. Next time, I'll go off
campus completely. Promise. In the meantime, send me mail.
You can reach Wade at
somuchspaaam@hotmail.com.
Dan: there's usually a little bit of italic at the
end of every 432 article. Often, this is just the
editor being an asshole and mouthing off
again. I don't want the little bit of italic at the
end, and this is a condition of any more articles from me. But I can see that sometimes you
need to fill space. So, print as much of this bit
at the end as you need to make the column fit.
You could also include the following, which is
from the Craig Kilborn "Got Scotch?" ad:
Nagging Kids? The buzz from Scotch will
help drown them out. And your breath will
help keep away your boss. So drink up.
Scotch comes from Scotland. It's a cold, dark
place.
-Wade.
Winter is God's way of telling us to
burn more Catholics. -Blackadder
m
m3M
Which director of publications
is currently enjoying
sunny Calgary?
Yes, it's that easy. That's
why we call it a dumb assed easy contest.
The winner gets a surpise prize. Got it, guys?
L A
^ Ooh, I rhymed.
Leave a note in the box of the 432 in LSK
(aka Klink) room 202 by September 12th at
4:32pm to enter. The first correct entry get
the grand prize! Yippy Skippy!
Do you want...
Booze!
Power!
Cash!
Attractive, scantily-dressed
members of the opposite sex!
Then Write for
the 432!
Pretty, pretty please!
Next deadline: Thu, Sept 13, 2001. Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
07 SEPTEMBER 2001
I'm Afraid for the Americans
Lana Rupp
Hiding Under the Blankets
I'm scared... really scared. The future
looks bleak. I'm afraid of Americans.
I'm afraid of their big power plants and
of George W. I'm afraid of their guns and
their Texas Rangers. I also fear the clueless
egotistical tourists that rise from the
mighty south in search of igloos and
touques.
I worry about the local police force in the
little town where I live during the summer
months. I once got a desperate call from
one of their staff members asking me for a
phone number saying that they couldn't
find it. I looked it up in the phone book
and promptly returned their call.
I worry about all those chain letters that I
never forwarded. I don't mean to be a
wimp, but drowning in sewage, being
raped by mad goats, having fifty days of
bad luck and never being kissed by my
crush really really scares me. Not to mention the fact that Hotmail is going to shut
down my account!
I worry about the Y2K bug coming back
and of Santa Claus dying.
I'm terrified of spiders, snakes, and algae;
garden gnomes and flesh eating disease.
I worry about the expiry date on my milk.
If it's 'best before' does it go into a fair to
good stage or just plain nasty?
I'm scared to go outdoors because 'they'
might be out there. And since I don't know
who 'they' are or what 'they' want from me
or where 'they' might turn up next I have
to be extra careful don't I? It's not paranoia
if 'they' are really after you. 'They' are
everywhere these days... at least that's
what American television has led me to
believe... and why would my fondest
friend deceive me?
I worry about the CBC, because someone
has to.
I fear alien abduction and the subsequent
anal probing because obviously they're
looking for something and if they don't
find it and they don't feel real bad about
anal probes they probably won't give
much thought to dropping me off in the
wrong damn town.
I'm scared of inhaling bugs in my sleep.
Dead Pool VI:
The Undiscovered
Country
The Reaper
Sister Soul
Welcome back to the 432's very own
Dead Pool. We live in a world
fraught with uncertainty, pain
and the ever-present shadow of death.
There are those people out there who are
afraid of this next step in everyone's life, of
the possibility of never-ending pain in Hell
or of the blank nothingness that follows
death. There are also those who have
looked deep into their souls and realized
that hey, shit happens, and why not enter
the Dead Pool?
For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of a dead pool, it's similar to a hockey
pool, only no sports and no spitting.
Rules:
1: Entries must be dead before April 1st,
2002, at 4:32pm. First place prize is two
tickets to Arts Country Fair. Other prizes
will be whatever we hapen to have in the
kitty. No one gets the Kitty.
2: No listing people who have already
died, because that would be cheating and
cheating is a sin.
3: Deadline is October 1st, 2001. Hand in
your forms to the Dead Pool mailbox in
SUS or email us at
deadpool_432@hotmail.com. Late forms will
be accepted only with a very entertaining
explanation.
4: Order is important. The person you list
first is worth 15 points, and the last is
worth 1 point.
You are not allowed to list any of the following: Any random person in Israel or the
West Bank, including anonymous Palestinian suicide bombers; Jesus (still dead);
Elvis (still dead); Your cell biology professor; No death row inmates with the exception of Mumia.
You are allowed to list any celebrity you
wish. Choose your own definition of
celebrity, but keep in mind that I have final
say in this and so "Bill Smith, TA for the
Math 302 class" will probably not count.
And if you kill someone, you will not get
points for their death, even though everyone else will.
Some suggestions: The SUS Exec are
always a favourite, although none has ever
died in office. Ronald Regan is still hanging in there, although barely. Same thing
for the Pope. The Queen Mum is doing
well for a 101-year-old-Brit, better than her.
daughter, Princess Margaret who keeps
having strokes. Heck, just go to the internet
and look for Dead Pool websites for ideas.
Good luck, and don't fear the Reaper.
To Order email wahidtf
office in Klink 202.
^Science Gear
Bzzr Mugs $4
Coffee Mugs $ 15
T-shirts $12
interchange.ubc.ca or drop by the SUS
I worry about whether Friends will still be
on the air when I get home from work.
I'm concerned by TV talk shows that seem
outrageous until you look closely at my
neighbors. I'm not sure if they're having
affairs with midgets or their sisters but
they sure do like to let pigs go in their yard
and shoot at them when all the folks come
on down fer the weekend.
I'm somewhat bothered by the fifty-year
old men that have asked to be my
boyfriends. It's not the comb-over really...
it's me.
I'm scared of Arts students. We mock
them now but tomorrow they will be handling all of the fast food we eat.
I'm worried that soon road rage and air
rage will evolve and extend to shopping
cart rage, tricycle rage, and elevator rage.
I'm troubled by the way irritating TV personalities keep popping up in my dreams
and offering me free trials of toilet cleaner,
hair products and cheese.
I'm scared of people with video cameras.
The footage for Real TV has to come from
somewhere.
I fear small dogs and their owners.
I worry about all the chemicals in the
Chemistry building and all the computer
geeks in Klinck. Things capable of mass
destruction should not be taken lightly.
I'm, often so terrified that I can't bring
myself to get out of bed, at least not before
lpm. I can't do my laundry for fear that
someone will run off with my underwear
again. My documents of importance are
cleverly hidden amongst those piles of
clothes you will find on my floor, so that no
one can steal my identity. The stockpiles of
Zoodles are emergency food kept in preparation for the impending big earthquake.
So is the beer...
With all the scary things in the world, tidiness, class attendance and homework really don't seem all that important do they?
Integrals just can't compete with nuclear
war or a world shortage of Kraft Dinner.
I'm living in hell and I just can't be expected to call home each Sunday at 7:00. This is
exactly what I intend to point out to my
mother the next time she criticizes my
lifestyle. Some people just don't empathize
very well.
I worry about Lana
-bree.
Dead Pool VI
Entry Sheet 07 SEPTEMBER 2001
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Five
What I Did This Summer
Ben Warrington
Do'mHis Homework
It all started around April 23rd. I did a
rather poor job of writing my last final
in the afternoon, and then I went home
to flop down on the couch in front of the
television for a couple of hours. I was
exhausted from having made it through six
finals, but was there any rest for me? I had
to get my worldly belongings packed that
night as someone was helping me take it to
the bus depot to be shipped the next morning. I started around eight in the evening.
Let's just say that a person accumulates a
fair amount of junk when he lives in one
place for two years. It took me until five in
the morning to pack. The next day, we ran
my stuff to the bus depot bright and early
in the morning, and then I went to spend
all day in an empty apartment. What fun!
The day after that, I flew to Calgary.
I went to visit my girlfriend a couple of
times this summer. She was working at a
co-op job in Fort Frances, Ontario. She was
working as a biologist for the Ontario Ministry of Natural Resources doing a fish survey. She took me out on the lake with her
the second time I went. I kind of think that
she had a pretty decent job. She and a
coworker started each shift by cruising
around the lake for two hours counting
boats. When they had finished counting
the boats in the sector, they cruised around
some more interviewing fishermen, asking
how many fish they had caught, and asking what kinds. Whenever they got too hot,
they could take a dip in the lake. Beats sitting in front of a computer eight hours a
day if you ask me.
On the first of these trips to Fort Frances, I
flew from Calgary to Winnipeg, and then
took Greyhound, or rather Grey Goose, to
Fort Frances. The route required cutting
through the corner of Minnesota, which of
course, meant going through U.S. Customs. I am not sure why, the bus didn't
stop anywhere in the States; no one and
nothing got on or off, but we had to go
through U.S. Customs. Canadian customs,
the bus just rolled through as the driver
yelled out the window, "48 passengers, no
seals, no paper work," but we had to stop
at U.S. Customs.
For the trip back, I showed up at the bus
depot at 7am for the advertised bus. There
was no bus. There wasn't even supposed to
be a bus. The Greyhound website said
there was a bus, but mere was no bus. I had
to take the bus later in the day which
caused me to miss my flight. In fact, there
was no flight that I could make that day, so
I had to shell out for a hotel room, not to
mention the shelling out for what it cost
me to change my plane ticket to the next
morning. This also doesn't mention the
day of work I missed. I did, eventually, sort
of get my money reimbursed by Greyhound in the form of a "Complimentary
Service Coupon," though.
On this same trip, as I have mentioned, we
had to go through customs. At customs,
the U.S. Customs officer aksed where I was
from.
"Wainwright, Alberta."
"So what are you doing way out here?"
"Visiting my girlfriend in Fort Frances."
"How'd you meet her!?"
"We both go to school in Vancouver."
"So, why are you on a bus to Winnipeg?"
"So I can catch a plane to Calgary, of
course."
He took me off the bus and searched my
bag.
The second trip was a similar experience
except that I flew from Calgary to International Falls, Minnesota via St. Paul/Minneapolis. From there, I literally walked
from the airport across the border to Fort
Frances. It took a little over an hour to get
to my girlfriend's place. On the return trip,
as you can imagine, the line of questioning
at customs followed a similar vein to
before, only this time I was walking into
Minnesota in order to get back to Calgary.
It probably didn't help that I was having
trouble keeping a straight face. I knew how
ridiculous my story sounded. In the end, I
don't really think that the customs officer
believed me, he looked so skeptical, but I
had the plane ticket, so he let me go.
Moral of the story: always carry a bag of
weed with which to pay off the nice customs
officers.
-ed
Can you write? Better than a room full of monkeys? Do you own a room full of
monkeys? Can you lend them to us? We like monkeys.
Then Write For The Almighty 432!
UNDERGRADUATE
CHEMISTRY
V **
[RlQEi
MEMBERSHIP; $5
f     ^ C'i      \
LABCO$TSr$20 (Merrier $18)
^ • h%
SAFTEYiSLASSES: $9 (Member $8)
/.-
GOGGLES: $10 (Member\S9)
LOCKER RENTAL: $10 {Memler $8)
*****     MK   *t
On Sale in the Undergraduate Chemistry
Society lounge, D218
The Black Hand
Does Not Exist.
For less information, do not go into SUS in Klink 202, and do not read
the orange sheet in the box with a black hand on it.
GOLDEN  MOTHER YOGA
Special Invitation! Join us for a "Complete Body
Workout!"
Learn how to:
* Strengthen the body and heal illnesses
* Improve your health and regain your youth
* Relieve stress and gain happiness
Very Unique Tao Yoga instructed by Vajra Master
Lian Tzi. A Buddhist Master who has taught
thousands of students all over the world (Australia,
Canada, Indonesia, Malaysia, Taiwan, U.S.A.)
FREE Class Every Saturday. New Class starting on
September 8th, 2001 at 10:30am - 12:00pm.
Sponsored by International Lotus Light Charity
Society Address: 347 East Hastings Street,
Vancouver, B.C., V6A-1P3
Tel: (604)685-5548 or (604)878-8887 Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
07 SEPTEMBER 2001
Double-Double Your Refreshment
W^H;     Jay Garcia
>*a> 1/   The Man
It's the start of another new school year,
which is always hard on my sensibilities because for the last several months,
I've basically had the campus more-or-less
to myself. Since I work on campus year-
round, I got to experience the joys of an
uncongested, peaceful university. You
could go for a nice quiet walk around campus, with the only interruption to your
introspection being the occasional request
for directions to Wreck Beach. Since most
of the time, this request was posed by two
or more nubile girls in their late-teens or
early twenties, this could hardly be considered an unwelcome interruption.
But now, as the kids begin to pour into
Point Grey to begin or continue their studies, the campus has become a much noisier,
and crowded place. You can always tell
when the school year's about to start. There
are signs and portents, clues that the discerning may use to determine the advent
of the upcoming frosh flood.
It begins with the summer mail-outs; the
sometime-in-June-or-Tuly bundles that
come from various UBC administration
offices informing people that Imagine UBC
will be starting, or that Orientations are
occurring. Perhaps an undergrad society
might send out their promotional material,
replete with teaching evaluations (or they
might not, depending on time and budgetary constraints). Then, a week or two
before classes, the commute to campus
begins to get a little more congested. Sightings of the white-fluted Ryder truck and
fat, laden U-Hauls become commonplace,
as they return along their fall migration
routes from the Interior and Parts Beyond.
A simple stroll to the SUB becomes a hazardous challenge of avoiding the hundreds
of clamorous queries for directions to and
from various buildings (with "Where is
Brock Hall" being on top of that list; mischievous and enterprising souls can direct
these poor matriculants to the Cheeze Pub,
with instructions to "ask for a Rosebowl").
Though it is always something of a shock
to the system to find the campus re-populated overnight, an experience vaguely
analogous to standing on a nice, quiet
expanse of white sand beach and then
noticing, for the first time, that there are
five rusting freighters filled with refugee
boat-people in the near horizon, though
the analogy breaks down here because
returning students are often better dressed
(but sometimes just barely so...). Personally, I find the clamour and the bustle fairly
comforting. Ifs a seasonal cycle where the
university seems out of phase with the rest
of the world. University's springtime is the
fall of the year, and it's dead of winter
occurs at the height of summer. The campus may as well be Siberia in the middle of
July; you could huck a dead squirrel in any
direction from the centre of SUB South
Plaza and never hit a student. Maybe an
occasional prof, grad student or UBC
employee, but these are among those select
few who are either crazy, foolish, or dedicated enough to isolate themselves from
the Real World.
But, gladly, fall is here with its influx of
new bodies, and nearly one-third of this
tidal wave of humanity will be composed
of frosh; nearly ten thousand students in
all, bright-eyed and eager to fill their
minds with their particular view of the
University Experience. This, of course,
stands in stark contrast to the other twenty
or thirty-thousand returnees, who have
long since come to expect that the University Experience is comprised of under
funded programmes, cramped classes, and
long lines for even basic services and
amenities, and as a result have developed a
kind of Gulag mentality, with the kicker
being that they aren't actually aware that
they possess the outlook and demeanour
of an Eastern Bloc inhabitant; come to
think of it, this probably explains the
heavy drinking, the bad poetry, the
inflamed rhetoric of our leftist friends in
the AMS; after all, the campus already has
the drab Soviet-era buildings, clad in grey
concrete; all you'd need are a few tanks
and some men in funny fur hats with big
rifles, and we may as well be in Stalingrad.
But I digress...
I was speaking of frosh, and frosh-antics.
My good buddy who labours as a TA at
Harvard loves to point out that the cities of
Boston and Cambridge are a veritable factory floor for new-model frosh. Every year,
more than forty-thousand kids in their late
teens wash into the cities to matriculate at
any of the four universities. It's this constant churn of youthful energy that keeps
him in Boston (that, and the fact that he
can't ever seem to find a focus for his final
thesis), and it's a good part of the reason
that I'm still here, plugging away on my
second degree and working this paper, fulfilling this strange sense of Manifest Destiny as a Professional Student.
It may well have to do with this Fountain
of Youth; this sense of youth by association. Or it may simply be that I'm a curmudgeonly bastard who happens to find
you kids to be gosh darn entertaining. Or
maybe ifs a little bit of both.
Now if I could only find a way to extract
and bottle this essence, I'd make a mint and
be able to afford getting a good, long way
from this campus...
"Life's a bitch - but
she's my bitch."
-Slick
Don't Call Me Lady
Bree Baxter
Working it for the Man
All of what I am now I owe to the 432.
While this ex-editor line is normally spoken at AA meetings and
parole hearings, in my case it is said in a
positive way by a bona fide employee in a
paid position, so fuck you.
In the interests of retaining my gainful
employment after this article is published,
I'm not going to tell you who I work for, or
what is it that I do. I'll simply say that I
work for a Large University (not UBC) and
leave it at that. How did I get my job?
Flashback to the end of April, 2001. I finished my exams and, ostensibly, my bachelor's degree. After the little stint at UBC,
which racked my debt load from zero to
$20,000 in five years, I was outta here. With
my degree and a spotty record of work
experience under my belt, I started to look
for a full time job. None of this "I'm taking
time off to travel" or "I need to find
myself" shit. I was going to find myself in
hoc and homeless if I didn't get a job for
my debt-ridden ass. Oh, and did I mention
that this was all in the middle of the bus
strike? Looking for a job is trying at the
best of times, let alone during a bus strike
when you're car-less.
Let me tell you about my new baby, my
car. I bought a car for the first time during
the transit strike. Ifs an '85 Chrysler New
Yorker, blacker than Martha Piper's evil
heart with a plush grey interior. I've
named it Scurvy the Pirate Car and with
the accompanying pirate flag on my anten
na, we've been boarding other cars for
their booty. Avast ye, matey!
I was applying for all the jobs I could
when I saw it. Temporary Communications Manager at Large University. Plan
our speaker series! Write our newsletter!
Be in charge of our web site! Do various
other things that Communications Managers do! It struck me that all a) I could do
all of this and b) all of my experience for
this job would come directly from my time
as editor of the 432, founding editor of Paradigm, Guide mistress, and UBC student
web jockey. Sound like a shoe-in, right?
No. Cons: Educational requirement: Masters of Science or Applied Science.
Not having a Masters degree, I decided I
was perfect for the job and applied (by e-
mail: UBC Human Resources, take note).
Imagine my intense surprise when I got a
call for an interview, and was subsequently hired. Hence my employment at a killer
job and entry into the high paying world of
media whoring.
My degree in Animal Biology and
Oceanography hasn't much to do with
what I do now, other my stellar writing
and thinking skillz. All what I do is from
my "extra-curricular" activities. My point
is that ifs hard if not impossible to get a job
on the strengths of your degree alone if
you're not some computer science geek or
going into graduate school (which isn't a
job but should occupy your time for four
more years). Don't be an apathetic loser
who treats UBC as a high school for four
years then wonder why the only people
who will hire you are those who run coffee
houses and pizza delivery.
So there.
Ate all of your new university friends
;r**t^
'jl^S
Losers?
Does your roomate's
annoyingness keep you
from doing any work?
then join the PHYSS0C!
We've got a Cavern of
Silent Study Carrels!
^
quie/
ortteFtyssxarrelrcan
/ ^ /  /i
my comfort cannot be overemphasized! I am finally
happy. Destroying Neils
we have nifty people
and comfortable couches
to hold all of them!
we sell cheap pop,
and the cheapest candy around!
WE KNOW LOTS OF PHYSICS, TOO
CHECK US OUT!
HENNINGS Rm. 307 07 SEPTEMBER 2001
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
President
The Lingerie Drawers of SUS
Reka Sztopa
Whether you are a new student or a
returning one, we welcome you
back and wish you the best for
this school year. There are many exciting
things happening this year in SUS and we
hope that you take advantage of all the
opportunities and find a way to get
involved. To start the year we have the Sci
ence Kickoff BBQ on Wednesday September 12. Also, we will be running a survey
during the month of September and we
need your input. Science will be awesome
this year because of you! Tuum Est!
Have a wonderful first two weeks!
Reka likes to power trip. Next time you see
her, casually mention how it would be great if
only SUS did X, where X is something like
'had free bzzr gardens' or somesuch. She gets
off on doing things like that so she can show
her power off; you'll be her personal hero, -ed
External VP
Michael Groves
Hello, I'm Michael Groves. You may
remember me from such campus
activities as advising in Hamber at
Place Vanier. Or cheerleading at varsity
sports and other pep rally like events. Or
on location for the past 8 months as a Coop student at TRTUMF. Or even in your
Math and Physics classes.
But I would like to talk to you today about
being the SUS VP External. As the VP
External, I technically never have to deal
with any Science students. My portfolio
points out my duties as liaising with the
world outside of SUS and the faculty of
Science. So unless you have a problem with
our "Big Brother," the AMS, or other Campus/City groups, I never need to see you.
Actually, I would be very happy to see
each and every one of you. I will need help
with my other main duty on SUS: organising Science Week. I am going to need volunteers/slaves and participants at my
events during that week of geek fun where
Science students may worship their religious idol, Bill Nye, in open without
ridicule.
So even though I do not need to see any of
you for the first semester, I am still excited
to be coming back to school and meeting
each and every one you. Come to the SUS
office in the Lenord S. Klinck Building,
Room 202 and say hi. You'll at the very
least get a smile, and who does not like a
smile.
I don't like them. But Mike's amazing cheer-
leading skills make me grin. Seriously'.
-ed
Free Plug for the Psychology
Students' Association
The Department ot Psychology is a unique entity, one of those rare departments that
accepts students from both the Faculties of Art? and of Science. Get ready (or as we
like to say, "get psyched") to feast your eyes, with information of Biblical proportions {a bit of a hyperbole, but oh well) regarding The Psychology Students" Association:
{PSA), To begin the new year, the PSA will have a table set up af Mdrmis Held {extremely close to the Student Union Building {SUB]) for'Friday's Main Event Carnival. We're!
going to dish out loads of fun to those who dare to venture into our Psych dimension. As
part of the fun, I've been contacted by outside sources that the PSA is planning to have a
psychic at the table to read the fortunes of the willing. But don't take my word for it -
show up and see fof yourself. As well, the PSA will be out for Club Days, featuring our
brand new t-shirts and sweatshirts. Look for us somewhere in the SUB from Wednesday
September 19 to Friday September21,2001. Come say "hi", but more importantly, become
a member of the PSA There's a very small membership tee, but I'm sure you have the
power to sacrifice a single frappuccmo to be part of coolest dub on campus, right? By
being a psychoholic, you will be kept in the loop ot what's happening in the Psychology
scene, such as lecture series- that are out of this galaxy, and social events that are way more
bootylicious {in a social kind ot way) than Destiny's Child. And other perks that are just
too phat.
More importantly to all you sassy Sciences psych students, we are going to have an elec*
tion for executives, for this year We have five positions available: Vice President, AUS rep,
Public Relations Officer (we need a second one since the one we have right now is not
exactly the best looking gu> in the world for promotional purposes), Grad Coordinator,
and SU<5 rep. As far as SUS rep goes, yes, that means you. Of course, you can still run for
the other positions too, other than the AUS rep - that's for the Arts students You have to
he a PSA member to run for these positions. On Club Days, we will have a very special
questionnaire that asks you if you're interested (and psyched enough) in becoming an
executive on the PSA.
As a very special favor, here is the nitty-gritty stuff on what is be expected from the SUS
rep. Basically, you have to attend PSA and SUS meetings as well as doing office hour
times for both clubs. This gives you the chance to make more friends, and thaf *» always a
good thing; unless social anxiety is involved - now that's another story. As well, you participate all the extra activities that come from SUS and the PSA. Furthermore, you ate in
charge of organising Science Week, which occurs sometime in late January. It might
suiuv.1 a ba muUi, but u *s a very lewardirtg experience. Here's an excerpt from the interview 1 conducted with Jas»t jear's PSAs SUS rep,, Nadine Ho,
Me: So Nadine, was it a very rewarding expenence being a SUS rep?
\adme: It was a very rewarding experience.
(A "^-second pause)
Nadine: Is there anything else I can help you?
Me: Nope
Nadine Well, okay, bui next time, can you not call me up at 2 in the morning? I'm try -
ing lo >.leep. I've got work tomorrow, you know
So anyhow, hopefully, this will give you some information as to what's up with the l^A
in the first few weeks ol school On behalf of the PSA, I Just like to say, "Welcome to UBC
to all those first timer!?, and "Welcome Back" to all returning students. And to all those
returning students, don't forget to lend a pointing finger to those who seem lost (you can
usually tell them apart by the map& in their hands, or the fact that thev tend to spin
around tn circles and scratch their heads.).
Krwin Mow (mow#interchange.ubc.ca), PSA Public delations Officer
web: www.psycli.ubc.ca/psa email: psawcortex psycli.ubc.ca
PS All opinions are expressed solely by the writer, and do not necessarily reflect the attitude of the PSA in general. So if you find something offensive in this article, please don't
go medieval with the other execs. You've got my e-mail address.
SoCo
Kat Scotton
Welcome back, and hello to all our
new readers! Unfortunately this
will be out a day after our First
Class Bash. Hope it went well.
Oktoberfest is being shuffled around, so
please look out for that in the next issue of
the 432.
I need volunteers to join my social committee, so if you like beer and fun events,
or just like helping, please send me an
email, and join my committee. Meetings
aren't very often, a couple times a month,
so it's not a huge commitment, and then
help on the day of the event (about once a
month), plus postering jobs before.
Have a great two weeks! Don't forget to
check out Clubs and Resources days coming in a couple of weeks.
kscotton@interchange.ubc.ca
Sports
Kristin Lyons
Well, we're back for another exciting year here at UBC. I hope that
you're all planning to try out at
least one intramural sport. To see what
sports are available and when you have to
sign up for them, check out the upcoming
sports stuff section on page 2.
You can also check out deadlines and
sports events in the "Good Times 2001-
2002" Calendar available for free at the
SRC. Remember, if you join intramurals as
a science team, I'm here to give you some
of your registration money back. Just put
your, receipts in my box in the new SUS
office, Klink 202. To finish up, if you don't
have enough people for an entire team, or
if you're a single looking for a team, I'll be
posting sign up sheets in the SUS office for
each intramural sport. Hopefully we'll
have enough of you signing up to fill each
team. We'll also need captains for each
team to collect money and so forth, so if
you feel up to it, please sign up. Have a
great first month!
Kristen is so, like, out there. She's put so
much of her personal time in setting up the
new office that you had better come out and
see it! And play sports too, or else she gets to
keep the $8,000 sports budget.
-bree.
Internal VP
Anna Orzechowski
Welcome back to all the returning
science students, and welcome to
all new students! This year is
going to be an awesome year, and I hope
that I will be a part in making that happen.
There are so many things going on around
campus in the first week of school, and
throughout September, so make sure that
you keep your eyes open for new events.
And get involved too - it makes school
work a bit more tolerable.
Currently I'm working on the Science Kick
Off BBQ, which is going to be a blast. This
event is free for first year science students
and $3 for any other science students. It
goes from 11am to 3pm on the grass
between Angus and Chem, and there may
be a volleyball net set up too! That same
day, at 6pm, there's a First Year Committee
(FYC) meeting in Klinck 202, so I hope to
see as many first years there that night as
possible. If you can't make it, let me know
by e-mail (annao33@hotmail.cpm). That's it
for now, I don't want to bore anyone too
much!!
Remember: Man who runs in front of car gets
tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Lazy Exec: Corisande Baldwin
Godlike Exec: Jagmeet Dost.
Pbm m ittee!      JP'^
*
ill
^^>hcjay^ Sept
.iM0>
^::r-?^m Page Eight
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
07 SEPTEMBER 2001
Andy Martin, Frosh Hunter
Andy Martin
Ghetto Bastard
Hello again everyone! I'm Steve
Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter
from the Australian Zoo. I'm
here in the beautiful plains of Lotus-
land to once again bring you along for a
wild ride of the thrill of wildlife and the
limit of human stupidity. I've been
asked here by the Science Undergrad
Society to exhibit the truly, uniquely
beautiful creatures of the Uni of British
Columbia. Speaking of which, here
comes one now: Whoo baby! Isn't she a
beauty! You've never done it right if
you've never done it Crocodile Style!
You see, I can act this way when the
Sheila is out of the stomping grounds
due to budget cuts. But anyways, let's
begin by exhibiting the wonderful creatures right here in the S.U.S. These
beasts look almost human and, though
they seem right inactive right now, are
very liable to jump up at the slightest
mention of alcohol or free food. Kind of
like trained monkeys, these creatures
surely are.
"Hey."
And you can see by their bloodshot
eyes and disheveled hair that they are
recovering from a recent kill of their
favourite food, the elusive keg. A herd
of SUSies can survive nearly a week on
a single keg.
"Hey, we're not animals, you dimwit."
Huh. Oh, right right. Ifs a madhouse'
and all that codswallop.
Well, if these animals aren't going to
co-operate, then we best move on.
Nothing else is much distinctive to this
central section of campus, lefs head
North, where we'll find something new
and more mind-numbing.
Here in the Northern section of UBC,
we see a herd of UBC 'Artsies'. Aren't
they beautiful? The Artsie is much more
visually attractive than ifs counterparts
due to the increased time available for
self-grooming, and the fact that think
ing gives you wrinkles. Though very
beautiful, the pleasant outside hides a
truly stupid and shallow nature, characteristic to the Artsie- By Crickey!
One's coming right for me. I'm now
going put my arms above my head as to
appear bigger, and make some noises to
endeavor to make the beast go away...
"Don't you agree that Dickens's Mr.
Bounderby character exemplifies how
affluent white males have suppress
consciousness of the socio-economic
problems facing the lower-middle
class?"
Oh no! Ifs not going away. The best
defense against Artsies is confusion,
which is relatively easy: Interesting, but
Joyce's Ulysses was written as a homo-
erotic come-on to Farley Mowatt.
"Wow! Now that you put it that way, it
all makes perfect sense. You should
write a thesis on that!"
Bloody Hell! Ifs stupider than it looks,
time to kick it up a notch:
DNA has four nucleotides.
"D?...N?...A? Don't repress me, you
fascist, homophobic pig!!"
Fuck, ifs getting aggressive. Time to
break out the pepper spray.
<scene of much violence, screaming,
and bad poetry>
That did it!
What a drama that was! Now that
that's behind us, we're going to go to
the billabong, the watering hole of campus, a place called, quite fittingly, the
'Pif.
This here 'Pif doubles as both a watering hole, and as stomping grounds for
the UBC wildlife community. It is a
place where the UBC male comes to be
himself, a complete jerk, under accepting circumstances. It is also the place
where the female comes to do things
they regret.
Though you may feel sorry for the
female of the species, ifs Mother
Nature's way. As without their regretful
actions, we would never have the beautiful trailer parks that dot the North
American countryside.
Out on the shoreline of UBC, one can
find many crabs, many of them in the
hair of the resident balding "Beached-
whale-apes."
By Crickey, that's one large Beached-
whale-ape! The grey back hair on that
male shows him to be a Silverback, the
head of the colony of balding beach
apes.
Though these monsters are the undisputed rulers of the beach, largely
because nothing else would dare touch
them, they population shrivels up and
heads South when the cold weather
comes, allowing others to use the
beach.
There are many other beautiful animals that aren't humanoids in the UBC
ecosystem. For instance, the graceful
Silverfish, an endangered insect
species, is found in droves in local
pockets of habitat called 'student housing'-
Less graceful, but just as intriguing, is
the cute and furry Campus Squirrel.
While timid, they can attack with a
lethally poisonous bite if provoked.
Herds are known to roam the campus
at night, looking for prey, and can strip
an isolated frosh to the bone in 4 minutes flat.
Finally, the most dangerous animal on
the campus, the Grad Student. The
Grad Student, or as the Abo's call them
the 'T.A.', is a larger, more aggressive
member of the UBC community. And
that is what we are going to track today.
The Royal Institute for T.A. Research
(RITA) board has invited me on their
roundup. T.A. populations are shrinking in other areas of Canada due to
over-consumption of "grants," a
resource vital to the T.A.
So, RITA carefully collects these poor
creatures by tracking them down by
jeep before actually jumping them,
drugging them, and driving them to the
nearby airport to take them to their
final destination, a T.A. "sink," where
the population is suffering and needs a
little kick in the rear, in the form of new
individuals to get itself up to snuff. This
trip, however, will merely be a research
trip to measure the status of the local
population.
Well, lefs hop to it.
See here, we quietly approach the sole
T.A. from behind, wait for her interest
to wander elsewhere, and then GUN IT!
And here, I lasso 'er around her neck
before riding her to the ground, immobilizing her.
Wow! Isn't she a beauty?
From here, I hope you can see the
colourful stress lines on her faces,
which characterizes her from the other,
more common UBC humanoids. And—
Whoa!—see there?
Beneath her arm, that's what we call a
"thesis draft," also characteristic of the
T.A. As you can see, ifs very large, and
heavily criticized of by her supervisor.
The heavy appendage probably has
some use, but we haven't exactly figured out yet, what it does.
Whoa! Well, due to the fact that she's
getting really aggressive, and the fact
that she's kicking me in the hunkary-
doodilies, we'll let her go really soon,
just as soon as Dr. Garcia from the Institute takes a blood sample and tags her
on the ear. And there we go.
Go on now girl! That's it! There's a
swell Biology 120 lab out there waiting
for you just over that hill!
We've sure had a lot of fun today. We
survived a head-on fight with an Artsie,
observed the lounging habits of the
Wreck Beach Beached-Whale-Ape,
studied the mating habits of the drool-
sucking Pit-dweller, and tagged ourselves one beauty of a T.A. It was sure a
blast and I'd like to thank the Sockie for
inviting me to this wonderful spot 6?
truly unique and beautiful wildlife.
Until next time, keep watching the
skies—for birds, I mean—or bats, or...
fuck it, where's my beer?
Andy almost got his leg bitten off by
one of those ferocious beasts.
We love Andy.
-ed
What you need to know;
September 12th
On the Grassy median
on Main Mall
llam-2pm

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