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The 432 Oct 1, 1997

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 VOLUME ELEVEN IStUE TEH
m osmiiR 1997
"1 never really liked salmon anyways." -Senator Pat Carney
Graduation
Ceremonies Relocated
Chan Centre to be used for Indo-European Economic Conference
Earle Warren
Graduation Correspondent
Student groups were outraged
Monday morning, when the
University announced its intention
to move this year's graduation ceremonies out of the Chan Centre, into
older, less convenient lecture halls across
campus.
University president Martha Piper told
reporters that the move will be undertaken as a result of a political event
which will be held in the Chan Centre
during the months of May, June, and
July. Leaders of European and Indo-
Pacific countries will meet at UBC to discuss economic and political issues, and
to draft a free trade agreement.
This announcement mirrors a similar
decision last year, in which graduation
ceremonies were moved from the War
Memorial Gymnasium, to the newly
built Chan Centre. Last year's change
met opposition from students, who were
concerned that the smaller Chan Centre
would be inconvenient to those students
with large extended families.
This year, the University plans to spread
out ceremonies across campus, in lecture
halls related to the department in which
the students are graduating. According
to Piper, the actual locations of the lec
tures have yet to be decided.
However, 432 reporters were able to
track down an employee of UBC
Ceremonies, who disclosed the proposed
locations of some of the ceremonies.
According to Rick Gowring, head of
event planning for UBC Ceremonies,
Science students will be attending graduation ceremonies in three different lecture halls: Wesbrook
100, BioSci 2000, and
the Hebb theatre.
Graduation sittings will
be reduced to approximately 50 students (and
their families and
guests) and proceedings
will be shortened to last	
approximately 3o minutes.
UBC Plant Operations has already
begun renovations on BioSci 2000, and
Wesbrook 100 and Hebb theatre have
both been refurbished since 1995. Plant
Ops spokesperson Maria Swetzgard
promised reporters that all of the necessary renovations will be completed
before the end of spring term.
"We're trying our best to have all of the
buildings watertight before May," said
Swetzgard. "We have a whole crew of
five workers dedicating a quarter of their
day to this problem. If they can't fix it,
no one can. Not even real,    properly
trained workers."
Ken Dwyer, President of the Graduate
Students Society, expressed his "extreme
disappointment" at the University's
decision.
"The University is once again bowing to
political pressure," said Dwyer. "Martha
Piper has about as much backbone as an
unusually limp sea slug. As usual, the
students get the
smelly end of the
shovel."
//
We Promise to fix
most of the leaks!
—Martha Piper
 -//	
4 The 432 Press Service!
flj Rex Morgann!
7 The Drawers of SUSP
g Oktoberfest!
trio
M0&!
GSS students are
threatening to take
action, and some
students are threatening a repeat of
last year's
President's office sit-
in.
Graduate student Edgar Bentley, who
participated in last year's demonstration,
was preparing for a repeat sit-in when
432 reporters tracked him down at the
local liquor distribution branch.
"We're gonna take it to the man... er...
to the woman!" Bentley exclaimed.
"This time they'll never get the pot smell
out of the furniture!"
The 432 was curious as to why the GSS
would be so concerned about the location of undergraduate graduation ceremonies. Though neither Mr. Dwyer or
Mr. Bentley would comment directly, the
constitution of the GSS clearly states
that it is a directive of the society to
become involved in every political, religious, and moral issue on campus,
regardless of the issue's importance to
grad students.
"Shit disturbers," said AMS President
Ryan E>avies, when questioned about the
GSS. "That's all they are. They just like to
hear themselves talk. If I had my way,
there would be no grad student's society."
Mr. Davies calmed considerably when
he was asked about the proposed relocation of grad ceremonies.
"I've had an excellent conversation
with Dr. Piper, in regards to this issue,"
said Davies, with a glazed look in his eye.
"Dr. Piper loves us all. She just... wants...
to do what is best... for the students.
Student input makes it happen."
The 432 attempted to interview other
members of AMS executive, but could
not gel: cohesive responses from any of
them. Rather than print the phrase 'student input makes it happen' thirteen
more times in this already dull story, our
reporters turned to students for their
response.
"Graduation?" asked Johann Thornton,
an electrical engineering student. "I still
have three more years until I have to
worry about that. For all I care, I can
graduate in the Cheeze."
Hooters restaurant
to open on campus
Gord van McOlunsky
Mental Correspondent
In an effort to expand it's retail food
business, the AMS has announced an
agreement with Hooters
International, which will allow the company to open one of its unique restaurants in the SUB.
Replacing the aging Pacific Spirit cafeteria, the restaurant will feature theme
dishes, live sport coverage, and very
scantily-clad waitresses. Though Hooters
International insists that it has non-discriminatory hiring policies, all three 432
reporters who applied for waitperson
positions were rejected, for reasons, varying from 'morbidly obese' to 'offensive
body odour.'
Brett Fowler, western Canada vice president for Hooters International,
explained that the new restaurant will be
beneficial to the campus community as a
whole.
"After the whole Lady Godiva incident
of 1989, we have noticed a severe drop
in the campus-wide nakedness index,"
explained Mr. Fowler. "Besides, in accordance with our agreement with the AMS,
all of our employees will be UBC students."
Cindy St.Claire, president of the
Sororities of UBC, was impressed with
the interest the Hooters company has
shown towards herself and her sorority
sisters. "It's about time we get paid for
looking good," said St. Claire. "I mean,
do you know how much time you have
to put into a body like this?"
Hooters International conducted a trial
run of their new concept at the Deke fraternity house, at a recent rush function.
Leading directly from this event, Hooters
waitresses will now carry pepper spray. PAGE TWO
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
1   OKTOBER 1997
Active resistance.
.. ._■: 4%
■* 1*   *    » -
Ifte432n*
Volume 11 Issue 3.
1 Oktober 1997   .
1997 The Science
Undergraduate Society of 1
All rights reserved.
Editor
Jeremy Thorp:
jerthoqy@unixg.ubc.ca
Assistant Editor
John Hallett
Columnists
Jay Garcia
Jake Gray
John Hallett
Craig Temple
Mike Eastwood
Breeone Baxter
Andrew Martin
Phil Ledwith
Cartoonists
Jake Mckinlay
Jeremy Thorp
Printers
College Printers, Inc.
Vancouver, BC
Distribution
Hooters Food Service Union.
Local 3270. Surrey, BC.
Contact Info
Attn. Mitor, The 432
c/o The Dean of Science
The University of British Columbia
6270 University Blvd.
Vancouver, B.C. ■ '.*
V6T1Z4 "'■<
(604) 822 4235 I
Fax: (604) 822 5558
The editors would like to
opportunity to thank you
your continued readership,
we're pretty sure that
stopped reading this
would no longer be n
stay up until 3am every
Sunday. So thank you.
rot you all.
The 432 is the official
the      Science      Undergo
Society, published twice mi
from our offices in SUB 24fK.
All opinions expressed herein aref;-
strictly those of the individual wri^
ers eind not those of The 432 or the
Science Undergrad Society.
Writers and cartoonists from all faculties are encouraged to submit
material to The 432. All submissions must meet the strict deadline
requirements and should not
exceed 1000 words.
The 432 is copyrighted by The =
Science Undergraduate Society of";
UBC and may not be reproduced!!*'
whole or in part without express
written consent.
Warning: This paper is flammable*
Do not burn it without supervisfcNfrV
■ViT'.Mfc-
I thought the Canadian Campus
Crusade for Christ got kicked off campus last year. I for one was amply
relieved when I heard that no longer
would some bible-thumping, cross
wielding maniac be hanging around the
SUB trying to hock their hokey jabowky
southern "religion". First years won't
remember the crap we had to go through
just to get through to The Gallery. All
the strange brain-washed yamucks saying "why don't you come out to one of
our bible readings this Friday?'
"Yeah, why don't you come out with us
on Friday. You can read the tattoos on
my ass." And it didn't matter what you
replied they would continue undaunted.
"Do you ever think about God?"
"Do you ever think about brushing your
teeth?"
"Hi. I represent CCCC and would like to
talk to you for a minute."
"That's funny because I'm a priest of the
Church Of Overly Large Ostriches and
Newts. Maybe you've heard of us, we're
known locally as COLON. You look like
the kind of guy who'd be looking to get
into some COLON. So whaddaya say?
Want to get in my COLON?"
They were really annoying and just
wouldn't leave anybody alone, so the
university wised up to idea that they
were some strange cult of alien controlled mind zombies and gave them a
good swift kick off campus. Funny how
there weren't any student protests to
bring back the 4C's. I had figured they
we're gone for good, but apparently not.
Yes they're back. Woe was I when last
week, while wondering around the SUB
looking for the Bzzr Gardening Club
table, I stumbled across a booth bearing
the traditional quadruple C (and it wasn't the Clam, Crabs and Crustaceans
Club). Granted, they weren't standing
outside pestering all of us decent Godfearing agnostics, but they're still here
and they're still annoying as all hell. No
pun intended, although I do believe they
are all going to Hell.
Giving away drugged cookies, they sit
there all nice and innocent looking
while, under the table, rubbing crosses
and who knows what else. No icing on
my cookie thank you very much.
What I find interesting about the
Canadian Campus Crusade for Christ is
their absolutely fabulous headquarters
building. Yes, I have seen their headquarters. They recently built a gigantic
new building in Langley, right across
from the Canadian Tire. A massive structure of glass and. steel, I estimate this
building cost at least 7 million dollars. I
don't really have any idea how much it
cost but it's about the size of the SRC and
has a lot more glass and a really large
intricate statue out front. I'm not an
expert theologian but I didn't think that
priests were supposed to be in the profession because of the corner office and
car allowance. In the parking lot I counted no less than seven, yes seven 1995 or
newer BMWs. I really want to go out and
give donations to a wonderful "christian" cause.
When people try to force their religion
on other people, things are bound to go
awry. Just look at the crusades. The
Middle East is teeming with culture.
Rose gardens are all over the place, the
dawn of modern mathematics occurred
here, and the largest library of scientific
knowledge ever amassed is tucked just
below the sands. The Arabs were centuries ahead of dark age Europe in every
aspect. But along comes King Richard
screaming "kill the infidels!" The roses
get trampled, math is lost for years, (oh
darn), and the library gets burnt to the
ground. Yeah, I'm sure the Arabs were
really happy about the enlightenment
that christ brought to their lives.
Bloody christians, always making trouble. ..
-Jake's e-mail address is
jakeg@unixg.ubc.ca. Feel free to convert
him. He'd probably smell better that way. -
-ed
432 Factoid: In 1999, your tuition will be around $15,999 rublos.
Editorial.
eremy
horp
If anyone ever asks you to edit a major
campus newspaper, just say no. So far
tonight, the hard drive has failed, the
computer has crashed fourteen times,
John has succumbed to paranoid psychosis, and the raccoons are getting
meaner by the minute. I'm quickly
approaching the LD50 of caffeine, and
my index finger is bleeding. On the
whole, not too good of a time.
Today hasn't been a good day, and I feel
that I can place the blame squarely on
the friendly staff of BC Transit. Whatever
screening process transit uses for hiring
drivers is either grossly out-dated, ridiculously ineffective, or both. I've spent a
great deal of time in the hospitality
industry, and I've learned a few things.
Being the helpful guy I am, I've decided
to provide BC Transit with a short list of
helpful customer service tips:
1. Communication between human
beings is generally verbal. Therefore, it is
always beneficial to talk to someone
when you wish to get your message
across. Though movie stars and male
models often win points by playing the
strong, silent type, this doesn't work so
well for bus drivers.
2. On the opposite side: I haven't read
the job description for transit driver, but
I'm pretty sure that the word 'entertainer' isn't used more than once. The speaker system on the bus is for emergency
purposes, and should in no case be used
for the driver's amusement. Though it
may be cute for the first kilometre or so
to make clever jokes involving street
names, this gets tedious in a hurry.
3. The #10 UBC is supposed to go to
UBC. Hence the name. If the bus were in
fact only supposed to go to the Blanca
loop, I more suitable sign for the front of
the bus would read #10 Blanca Loop. It
really isn't that hard.
4. It is often useful for the driver to
know where the bus goes before starting
his or her way on the route. A related
piece of advice involves asking the passengers for directions. While it may seem
logical that the bus would pull right into
the driveway of Deke house, it probably
isn't such a good idea. Keep in mind that
trolley buses are
in fact powered
by those little silver wires running
above the street.
If a street doesn't
have these trolley
lines, chances are,
its not on the
route.
There you have
it. Four simple
rules which make
transit a happier
place. I've forwarded this editorial to BC Transit,
and I'm crossing
my fingers that
they take it to
heart.
Of course, if transit propaganda is
to be believed, BC
Transit is the
number one public transit system
in North America.
This sends a shiver down my
spine. It also
teaches me an
important lesson:
to always take
taxis.
Enjoy this issue
of the 432. As
always,    if    you
take issue to anything we've said in this
paper, you're free to e-mail me and complain. My e-mail address is
jerthorp@unixg.ubc.ca.
JOIN
Drop by our office
(Wood G30)
♦Tuesday lectures by v.arious physicians
♦Medical Student Forums
*MCAT + School Information
♦Sports & Other Special Events 1   OKTOBER 1997
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE THREE
A blue streak.
Andrew Martin
Roving Correspondent
I was leafing through the last stellar issue of The
432, like any good Canadian kid would, when
I noticed a little chart and comment in the
corner of page 8. It claimed that the male authors
were "swearing to impress [the girls]". I looked to
my article, my very first, on page 10 and was horrified to find that I had contributed 2 of those
curses. Not only that, but that the word "baby"
had appeared in my title. I obviously need to
explain my actions.
Now I was not swearing to impress girls, the
swears were there in the interest of reproducing
my hallucination to the fullest extent possible.
My swearing isn't crass showing off, it's just good
journalism. You may notice that I never swore
outside of those quotes, and that the word "baby"
used in this context is a generic term that could
be used towards anybody, no matter what their
sex and age (except maybe anybody over 70
years old, that's just sick). But this attitude seems
to have perverted the campus, I mean even the
sweet, innocent little frosh cussed in his article.
I think girls are just neat, they say "Bless you"
instead of "Ghesunteit" and have to go to the
washroom a lot more often, but basically, they
are just like us. But swearing in the presence of
the wonderful lilies of UBC is just outright
wrong. Swearing does have its time and place,
but not in front of women and certainly not to
impress them. I mean if I wrote about learning
about my first class average last year. I would
have quoted myself as saying: "$#!/ yeah!"
Which is what I did yell, out, in the privacy of
my own home, of course, not in the presence of
any members of the fairer sex. If I had been
reporting on shopping last week, when I had to
get a new pair of shoes, having worn out the
other ones hiking during the summer. When the
clerk told me that they didn't cany shoes in my
size, I would report that I yelled: "What the
*&A%, it's only size 14!" And I did. The clerk was
male and I had checked for any young and/or
feminine ears in the immediate vicinity.
So you see, I never swear out of the @:&%'n
quotes. Oh, $#!-1 just swore outside of them. But
this is an isolated incident you see. Of all the
times I could have written $#!- or &A+* or even
&*A%(@$#, I chose not to use them. And in the
best interests of everyone, never would unless it
was absolutely needed.
Another instance occurred in the Weightroom,
while I was curling my usual 200kg, a guy next to
me,, happy at finishing his reps, said: "Oh yeah, I
%A&*ing rule"
Well, I dropped the weights right then and left,
disgusted at such behavior. It was an obvious
attempt to attract attention to himself and make
everybody believe he was cool or something.
It's not just the guys either, I mean last week,
while at a club, a girl poked my shoulder told me
that: "You are the %&A$in' sexiest guy I've ever
seen dance"
I scolded her for using such language. It just
wasn't called for. I mean that *&A&ing $*A&
could have offended someone. Again, just this
minute while I was composing this, my roommate came in and said it wasn't such a good idea
to be drinking fifteen beers in front of the computer and I told him:
"Will you &A*? off, I'm not even half the %#$A
done!"
Bui: he's male and doesn't know what he's talking about. He's always so &*%$ @$#*ed, I just
can't stand his &A?$ing face. I mean with all the
$#A%ed *A&$ that I have to $#@*ing deal with in
my &$%@ing $#=*ed up life, I don't have time to
be $&@$ing impressing girls.
After all the *E%@%$&:" _(A*#!@#$%A**#$%
!()<>?: ~A_"A I \) {%#!<§>%*%)<§>!#$ &!A
&@(*%(&($)%&()!!@#$%&%(#$!)#$@!A%A$#@#$
A#@#$@$##@A &(()%$$#%&*":?<}{" : +
)@A:5*A(&!$@#%A#)(@*$0$A&%A*&(@%#'-
Now where was I? Oh yeah. So, you doing anything on Friday?
-J thought you'd never ask. -ed
Uae to fdaloaqe
c
' Uxi last, the stench has left the ail, „       «
■ galbage strike is don&.c^tf1*.
raged inside true cotM
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m
cj? battle
\S. think the Cit^vfonJ-
I! -~ r-^
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yVepded on me street,
<J won t forget the way they reeked, (
JUike Mlaitha ^Fiper s feet.
Irie cant describe the loss ufeel,*
Amy took away my hash.
fj.hei0eiase^he stew, the letting f'tuit,
i^^d^M&riday s coined beef hash-
cJ think <J suffer flora withdrawal,
J need that rubbish back!.
JfS can't find some waste to sniff,
^    <J'll have to take up Ciack!
-Sjuf stinky days will be no mole,
<Ji new life <J must start,
hey may have taken all my junk,
i'Dut theiifoigot my broken heart	
yf>-
%
■rf*
"l
Don't touch my Fido, Amigo!
Cell phones. They're light,
portable, and run for hours on a
single battery. In the not-too-distant past, they were about the same size
and heft of a largish textbook, and were
only found in the possession of busy on-
the-go executives desirous of an ungainly (and somewhat indecorous) status
symbol with more functionality than
most portable objects carrying a ten
thousand dollar price tag. These days,
however, and for significantly less cash,
any Tom, Dick or Rover can look like a
Captain Kirk (albeit a less melodramatic,
toupee-less Captain Kirk) simply by
pulling one out and talking away. You
can tell cell phones have reached the
point of near-ubiquity when standards
of etiquette have been raised around
their use, former Eastern Bloc countries
are jumping straight to cell-carrier technology to bypass the costly infrastructure associated with land-line phones,
and cellular telecommunication firms
are hawking their products by pandering
to the lowest common denominator (if
you're the lowest common denominator
with at least twenty bucks a month to
burn).
It is for this particular reason that I was
considering joining the ranks of the cel-
lularly-wired (well, this reason, and the
convenience of being able to make
prank calls wherever I am).
There are, however, a few drawbacks
about owning cell phones. Second only
to pagers (or large, 80's-style boomboxes
pumpin' out the clear tunes of Tiffany
on a crowded bus), they're the most
annoying pieces of technogear a person
can have on them. Say for example that
you forget to turn the ringer off, and the
damn thing goes off in the middle of a
lecture, and everyone turns to look at
you as if you were some dealer in illicit
narcotics. Or you're in a class when a cell
phone rings and everybody starts digging around in their bags, seeing if it's
their cell phone that's ringing nonstop,
when it really belongs to the one guy
who's still nonchalantly taking notes.
Besides, who wants to be in contact all
the time? Unless you leave the damn
thing off, which defeats the purpose of
owning one in the first place, then
you're most definitely going to get called
up by boozed-up sort-of-friends who got
your number from a friend of a friend of
the friend whom you made swear never
to share the number to anyone.
This, however, is mere opinion, as I
know next to nothing about actually
owning a cell phone. So, like the hapless
consumer that I am, I did some informal
research about them (consisting largely
of bugging my friends who owned one
until they told me what I needed to
know, just to get rid of me). This is what
I found out.
Most cell phone owners suffer from the
same form of envy that computer users
feel when confronted by a shinier, newer
toy packed with more RAM, software,
and general whiz-bang-wow-ness than
their own. In cell owners, this tends to
manifest itself as a strange trend to be
intensely envious of other people's cell
phones, especially if they're newer, cooler, and, most importantly, smaller. You
know the type, the small, black, folding
wedge-shaped jobbies about size of a
matchbook and as thick as a pack of
playing cards (probably as a massive
overreaction to the lumbering ten
pound cell-phone dinosaurs that caused
severe back pains and neck and shoulder
cramping the executives of yesteryear).
Sure, they look cool when you're holding it (or rather, carefully cradling it) in
the palm or your hand; and they're convenient as all get-out to carry (you could
probably get them to fit in the small
change pocket on your jeans), but there's
just no way you can look dignified talking into that thing. It looks like you're
speaking into an electronic organizer, for
chrissakes. Well, probably not, 'cause
pocket electronic organizers are bigger
than that.
Further, it can be observed that the
hard-core, non-business oriented cellphone using public divides itself into
two large categories: the techno-geeks,
and the overly-socially connected. This
latter group actually use their phones to
keep abreast of the strange and convoluted permutations of their lives, the
lives of their friends and significant others, title location of the nearest rave and
the current street price of Ecstasy.
Techno-geeks, on the other hand, use
their phones because, well, it's a geek
thing and it's somewhat cooler than
plunldng a quarter into a phone box and
blathering away (not to mention that it's
more hygienic — do you have any idea
the number and variety of fungus and
bacteria that accumulate on phone box
ear and mouth pieces?). Besides, you can
plug laptop modems into the newer versions of cell phones (the digital PCS
ones), thereby getting the most geek
bang for your buck. Which means that,
no matter where you are, as long as you
have a laptop with a fully-charged battery, a modem and a digital PCS phone,
you can check your e-mail, play interactive games, or do Web-based research.
Or you  can  surf for porn  on  the
Internet.
Great. I'm convinced. Now I just got to
get around to buying a laptop...
-Jay Garcia has the most extensive collection of gadgets and gizmos this side of
Tokyo. Strangely enough, all of them can
be used to download dirty pictures from the
internet. Even the mini-blender. Think
about that, -ed PAGE FOUR
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
1   OKTOBER 1997
Ask Dr. Temple.
Craig Temple
Medieval Doctor
Once again I offer my services to you: the tired, the sick, and the weak. I expect
nothing in return for my philanthropic deeds, save some gratitude, some
laughter, and some bzzr. This week there is a special on medical advice; for
every person that buys me a bzzr, I will donate some of my time to your particular
ailment. Buying me a pitcher will get you a free operation of your choice, performed
by myself after the payment transaction has been cleared through the First Hepatic
Bank of Temple. Now on to our first patient:
•••
Dear Dr. Temple,
I fear that I am dying. I have been violently ill for over a week now, with horrible
stomach cramps and nausea. It all started on Saturday the 20th. I and a few of my
friends had gone off campus to go to a pub. We all got incredibly inebriated, and
stumbled back to campus. I think we took the bus back, but that wouldn't explain
the horsehair on all my clothes. Anyway, at the pub I got to know this girl fairly well,
so, being the gentleman that I am, I offered to walk her home. After all, a girl can't
be expected to find her way back to her dorm room at night, she might get taken
advantage of, so it was the least I could do. So far this depicts a typical Saturday
night, and nothing done could account for my illness, except maybe for the horsehair, but that's a different story altogether. Anyway, I and this girl woke up in her
Rez-Bed™ on Sunday, which, they said couldn't be done. Who ever thought that
only having single beds in the rooms would prevent sex? It's like box lacrosse versus field lacrosse, there's a lot going on in that little space so it's bound to be a lot
rougher, having more bouncing around and hip checking. But I digress, I left the girl,
I think her name was Phillipa or Kendelle or something that sounds like that, in her
room to sleep. I got up and was about to get dressed when I noticed that the clothes
I had been wearing were about three sizes to small, with holes cut out of the leather
in some rather interesting places. Being still a little drunk from the night before, I
shrugged and put the clothes on, secure in the knowledge that whatever discomfort
the draft may cause me, would be worth suffering through just to see the looks on
the faces of the people I passed. I left Simone's? Francine's? Killer's? room and, feeling a bit peckish, the midget and I decided to grab some breakfast at the cafeteria. I
had the scrambled eggs and toast with some milk to wash it down, a perfect breakfast for those Sunday morning hangovers, then I went to my place and slept it off.
So, as you can see, there is nothing that might have caused the type of sickness that
I am experiencing. I hope that you are not as baffled as I am, because it is taking
every last ounce of my strength just to write this e-mail. Please help soon.
Bert Jerkins
Bert, what you need to do right away is go to a hospital to get your stomach
pumped, you have unwittingly ingested highly toxic food. The meal that you blindly ate at the Rez cafeteria is in fact amazingly inexpensive, yet potentially deadly
industrial waste. You should have been wary of the quotation marks on the menu
when it said Scrambled 'Eggs'. Also, "milk" can be interpreted many different ways;
first off, milk does not necessarily come from cows, second, milk can be loosely
defined as any bodily fluid. You see, very gradually, the powers that be in the UBC
Food Services Consortium wean the residents off food, opting for the cheaper route
of equal caloric value. You should understand that eating an entire meal before
desensitizing your body's normal defense mechanisms has caused your symptoms,
and may even cause your death. I strongly urge you to go to the emergency room in
the hospital on campus or to the Science Undergrad Society to have your stomach
pumped before it's too late and Rez food takes another victim.
Remember, seeking my help may just save your life. So drop off any letters for me
in SUS or e-mail them to drtemple@unixg.ubc.ca. Next issue we talk to Lenny who
is suffering from Leprosy. I help him to see that having a case of the dropsies isn't
worth losing his head over.
-As always, the 432 accepts no responsibility for the actions of anyone stupid enough to
take Dr. Temple's advice. He is not a doctor, a nurse, a health technician, or even just a
guy with a band-aid. He's a lunatic, -ed
Wednesday,
Oktober 7th
4:32pm
submissions to jerthorp@unixg.ubc.ca
or dropped off to Chem B160.
432 Press
Service.
Washington
Reuters
Chelsea Clinton's first month at Stanford was declared an "absolute
disaster" by the university's student union, after 5 beer-gardens, 3 frat
parties, and a formal breakfast were crashed by the US Secret Service.
The latest incident saw a Miller Light-sponsored beer-garden broken
up as soon as Chelsea took a sip from her mug. According to Chester
Greenberg, Stanford Student's Association president, nearly 100 men
in black suits stormed the party room and took the organizers of the
event into a waiting black van. "They were pretty shaken up when
they came out," Greenberg recallsf'and all they could say was: T have
no recollection of the events in question, Mr. Senator.'" Seven students
were slightly injured during the raid, but White House officials assured
reporters that Chelsea was unharmed, although she was slightly peeved at not being able to finish her beer. When interviewed by this
reporter, Bob Morane, the USSS officer in charge of the first daughter's protection, has limited his answers to "I have no recollection of
the events in question, sir." However, a leaked White House memorandum specifically instructs the USSS to not only protect Chelsea's
physical well-being, but also her "sobriety, her virginity, and her
stuffed Barney™." Student social activities at Stanford are expected
to decline significantly during the next four years.
Ottawa
United Press Service
In a surprise move, federal unity minister Stephane Dion responded to
Conservative Senator Pat Carney's suggestion that B.C. should separate from Canada by unilaterally declaring Ottawa's independence
from the rest of the country. Speaking on behalf of the cabinet, Dion
said: "We're tired of all this separation crap. We've had enough!
Ottawa is no longer part of Canada! Canadians go home!" Federal
politicians were quick to respond to the creation of the Ottawite
Republic. "This will mean an enormous tax break to Canadians," said
an elated Preston Manning said, "which is very good. No more paying
for inefficient government or stuff like that. Heck! there won't be any
government to pay for at all! And if I play my cards right, I could even
get to keep Stornaway Residence." Hobbling out of the House of
Commons, Lucien Bouchard was overheard saying: "So who are we
going to snivel to now?" However, average Canadians seemed surprisingly unaffected by this latest political move. Reflecting a sentiment
shared widely across the country, Newfoundland fisherman Roger
O'Klemens said: "I voted NO in '49, but anyways, as fong as I still get
my UI check, I don't care."
^QQIjODLs)*
<a
YJ ©®DliG®@G
Bring in a copy of this issue of The 432 to
Chem B160 on Wednesday, Oktober 1st.
The first two winners will receive one free ticket
to Oktoberfest, and a limited edition 22oz.
Science Mug™.
Everyone else will receive a free, limited edition
432 Kick In The Ass.™
contest not open to SUS hacks, 432 columnists or squirrels. 1   OKTOBER 1997
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE FIVE
Riverdance?
Miss Jenn
Square dancer extraordinaire
Not long ago I signed up for Irish step-dancing classes, my logic being that an hour spent dancing every week
is one less hour spent in front of an Organic Chem text. So this is the story of my first class...
Our "Adult Beginner" class started out questionably, as somehow members of the Under-8 Beginner's class
got mixed in with us and nobody actually noticed; I guess we assumed they were leprechauns in the fine Irish
tradition. After a bit of sorting out along the lines of "Anybody with super heroes on their underwear, please
report to Studio A," our motley bunch of dancers met our instructor, Tony. Blond, buff, and British, Tony
quite fortunately did not meet my (apprehensive) expectations of being topless and oiled-down like that
Riverdance bloke. And so, with the inspirational battle cry of "Don't worry, you probably don't suck as much
as I do," we started.
Tony marshaled us into a semblance of a line and we began by learning to hop the Irish way. Apparently
somewhere along the evolutionary transport line, the Irish branched off and developed a wildly innovative
new hop. Judging by the physical prowess and dexterity required of an Irish hopper, I'd place the invention
of said hop well before the invention of Guinness. We Irish-hopped for the better part of ten minutes, at that
point it became clear not only to Tony but also to us that Lord of the Dance we were not. Eunuch of the Dance
was more like it. Still, we hopped on, and after another fifteen minutes we had finally sorted out how to Irish-
hop in a circle without compromising the structural integrity of the studio or of the limbs of our classmates.
Our next mission was to master "The Sevens" which is sideways-Irish-hopping to the count of "hop-2-3-4-5-
6-7-8." Why it is not called "The Eights" I don't know. It was at this point in the class that we had some collective Irish-hopping-coordination difficulties, some members of the class actually had an Irish-counting
problem, mainly stemming from the fact that the Irish word for "one" is "hop." Everyone seemed to grasp
the 2-3-4-5-6-7 bit, but the hops and eights were massacred to the point that it was eventually decided that
standing still and looking perplexed was a much better alternative. So, on the count of "hop" or "eight" everyone assumed the traditional Irish-step-dancing "Deer in Headlights" stance.
The last step we were taught defies description. Suffice to say it involves simultaneously Irish-hopping backwards whilst making impressive tippy-tap sounds. Do you think that any of us could understand and/or duplicate it? "Ni" is Irish for "No." This step made the Irish-hopping fiasco look like Riverdance. Our progress was
impeded greatly by the fact that one can only hop so far until a barrier in the form of a brick studio wall is
met. Hard. I imagine the ancestor of the backwards-Irish-hop was the forward-Irish-hop, which probably had
to be abandoned at the Adult Beginner Level due to the alarming occurrence of what could best be described
as "nose-to-wall incidents."
Finally Tony ordered us to put all our Irish-hops and variations thereof together into an actual dance. We
gave it our all, even though the music was supplied by Fiddlers on Speed and the intra-dancer collisions made
the studio look more like Edgefest than a dance class. But do you know what? It looked good, at least to us.
I'm sure to Tony it was marginally less coordinated than Piverdance Starring Overweight Inebriated Middle-
Aged Celtic Men, but we thought it looked pretty spiffy.
And with our roaring tippy-tap-backwards-and-hit-the-wall finale, 20 sweaty bodies filed out of the studio
awfully proud of our collective achievement - coming together in the face of clumsiness to create a thing of
beauty. And then we saw the Under-8 Beginner Boys' class, clad only in their Superhero Underoos, chests oiled-
down, Irish-backwards-tippy-tap-hopping in perfect synchronization, damnit.
AI first year Science students are
cordially invited to come to the seconc
First Year Commitee meeting am
fake ID making seminar.
~P*
e^>*
&?
i*  ve<
y
:\»\>v
4:32 pm
Wednesday, Oct. 1st
Chem B160
(there will be no actual fake ID making seminar)
Box 1
Qp.Forsberg Col
Q.Jagr Pgh.
| |P.Kariya Ana.
Qj.LeClair Phi
[_jE.Lindros Phi.
[   [T.Selanne Ana.
Box 7
|~]D.Alfreddson ???
I   iR.Brind'Amour Phi
[]D.Gilmour NJ
Qj.Roenick Phx
QA.Yashin Ott
|   | A.ZhamnovC7w
Box 13
QPDemitra Stl
I   ]M.Prochazka   Tor
Qv.Prospal Phi
ris.Samsonov Bos
rij.Svejkovsky Wsh
Qj.Thornton Bos
Name
Box 2
1997-1998
Box 3
□ w.GretzkyJVER
QA.Mogilny Van
rnJM.Messier Van
Qj.Sakic      Col
[]K.Tkachuk Phx
QD.Weight Edm
Box 8
I |T.Amonte Chi
| [A.Deadmarsh Col
Qr.Green NYI
QT.Linden Van
[]R.Reichel NYI
Qj.Stumpel LA
Box 14
QjOJokinen   LA
|   |E.Knutsen Ana
Qc.Phillips   Ott
Qp.Rosa       LA
|   [E.Rasmussen Buff
QA.Zyuzin     SJ
Team Name_
Phone #	
E-Mail
S.U.S. Hockey Pool 2
Box 4
Box 5
Box 6
Qs.Federov Det
[ | R.Francis Pgh.
QM.Modano Dal.
[]S.Koivu Mtl
[]z.Palffy NYI
[   | S. Yzerman Det
V.Damphousse Mtl
QP.Bondra Wsh
QA.Oates Wsh
QlvI.Recchi Mtl
QB.Shanahan Det
[   |M.Sundin    Tor
???
Qp.Bure
QT.Fleury     Cal
[] B.Hull        Stll
|   [VKamensky Col
Qp.Nedved  Pgh
QRTurgeon   Stl
[Jj.Arnott     Edm
j~lA.Casse.Is Cal
|   |j.Friese:n    SJ
QA.Daigle    Ott
Qc.Gratton    Phi
|~]K.Primeau Car
Box 9
Box 10
Box 1.1
Box 12
[]A.Graves  NYR
|   |j.Iginla       Cal
[] O.Nolan     SJ
I   [G.Sanderson  Car
QG.Roberts  Car
flN.Sundstom  NYR
I |R.Bourque Bos
[~|C.Chelios Chi
[]B.Leetch NYR
[~|N.Lidstrom Det
Qs.Ozolinsh Col
QS.Zubov    Dal
[]B.Berard NYI
[] P.Coffey Phi
QPHousley Wsh
[~~|A.MacInnis Stl
[JS.Niedermayer NJ
[]C.Pronger    Stl
Qs.Ducheime Chi
Qj.Niinimaa Phi
[""IM.Schneider Tor
QR.Svehh Fla.
[ |o.Tverdovsky Phx
|   | J.Brown     Car
Rules
Choose One Player from each box.
Fill out this form and return it to Aarne in Chem B160.
There is a $5 entry fee.
Prkes will be:
1st Place: 60% Plus a Vancouver Canucks Hockey Jersey!
2nd Place: 30%
3rd Place: 10%
In the event of a tie, the tiebreaker will be used.
No Trades will be allowed this year>
Entry Deadline: Monday October 6th. For more info contact Aarne at
822-4235 or<aarne@unixg.ubc.ca>.
Tie Breal^errWhat Place will Vancouver Finish in the Western Conference(l-13)?_ PAGE SIX
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
1   OKTOBER 1997
Dead pool update.
Fire!
Welcome to the very first Dead Pool update. Only one
day in and, let me check, we have zero dead celebrities! However, Red Skeleton did choose to blow his
clogs since the last issue of the paper.
With all the famous dead people popping up in the first
month of this school year, I can say that it'll probably be a very
good year for Death. Just remember to tip our Mr. Reaper.
Anyway, at last count I had 8 entries point fingers at 77 different celebrities. But don't panic, you can still get me your list
at anytime before the contest ends in March, just remember
that you won't get any points for any of your candidates that
aren't breathing.
So, who do we think will bite it in the next 6 months? The
enviable position of Most Likely Not To See Spring is split
between The Queen Mother and Boris Yeltsin. Two very good
choices if you're still looking to get that form in. The Queen
Mum predates most fossils and Mr. Yeltsin has avoided the
Grim Reaper's calling twice in the past year by turning off all
the lights and pretending he wasn't home.
Next in our "Please, please, please just knock off" category are
Ronnie Reagan and Bob Hope. Hope is pretty much a gimme,
but President Reagan is going to be around for quite a while.
He have sever Alzheimer's, but the man still goes jogging
everyday. So unless he mistakes the 8:40 Greyhound out of
New York for Nancy and tries to hug it, he'll be here for a few
more days. If you must bet on an ex-president, try Ford or
Carter.
It's now time for this week's death watch or, Who's Weak This
Week:
1. Frank Sinatra. We're still waiting on old blue eyes. Soon,
my friends, very soon.
2. Bob Hope. When was the last time we actually saw this
man? Bob isn't the kind of guy that enjoys low publicity. This
translates to bad news for G.I.s everywhere.
3. Boris Yeltsin. Two triple heart bypasses and four bottles of
vodka later and he's still ticking. But wacky Boris is on borrowed time.
4. Don Knots. Thanks to Craig for bringing this one to my
attention. He wasn't a spring chicken when he was on The
Andy Griffith Show. Definitely not long for this world.
5. DeForest Kelley. I'm dead, Jim!
The stage is set, the actors on queue, let the dying commence!
Any questions, complaints or late entries can be e-mailed to
<fibble@unixg.ubc.ca>. Good luck, and remember: Don't fear
the iteaper.
Breeonne Baxter
Safety Inspector
OK, boys and girls. Remember first
grade? Our first fire drill? Line up
by the door. March outside, stand
by the teacher.. Wasn't it fun, getting a
break the day? Such excitement, even
better than recess.
By fourth grade, we were all so nonchalant. Yeah, we were all so cool, sauntering outside. This didn't phase us.
Enter high school.
We moaned and groaned. We slowly
closed our books, tossed stuff in our
backpacks, slowly trudged out the door,
down the hall, outside, and milled
around until the warning bell rang. It
wasn't real. Big deal. So the big fire
trucks came. So the firemen got mad
when someone yanked the alarm. So we
all got a warning lecture from the principal. Yee ha. It was a break from the
monotony.
We're not in high school anymore.
We're into REAL LIFE. You know, where
stuff happens. No one is going to hold a
fire drill in the Chem building. When
that bell rings, it's for REAL.
Don't drag around, packing up your
stuff. Don't toss your notes in your bag,
and saunter out of the room. Think
about what was is located in the upstairs
labs. Remember Chem 121?
Things that go BOOM.
02 tanks. Lots o' acids. Lots o' bases.
Chemicals that are flammable. That are
explosive. Corrosive. Toxic. Bad stuff.
Keep this in mind. If Chem goes up, so
does Henning, and part of Hebb. If
you're in Totem, it'll be a nice fireworks
show. If you're in Biosci, you'll be able to
taste it. It'll be an "interactive" fire show.
Nice when it's raining, seeing as the
intense heat will cause the rain to evaporate.
Would YOU want to be inside the SUS
basement when this building collapses?
I thought not. Midterms are as close to
hell as I like to get.
If that bell rings, GET OUT.
Attention UBC Students,
As per Section 22.3 of the AMS consti
tution, we are legally required to warn
students three (3) months in advance of
a pending increase in student fees.
Currently, each student pays approximately $47 towards the Alma Mater
Society. This fee is used to provide student services, to pay the wages of AMS
employees and executive, and to pay
for renovations of the Student Union
Building (SUB).
As of January 1st, 1998, student fees
will be increased to $95. This increase
reflects the growing costs of running an
efficient student government, and will
be implemented in Spring term 1998
Sincerely,
Ruta Fluxgold
AMS Vice President
822-8222 1   OKTOBER 1997
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE SEVEN
The drawers of SUS.
Aarne Hamalainen
Director of Sports
John Fournier
Internal V.P.
The registration deadline came and went fairly quickly last week. Among the
most popular sports were Ultimate and Ice Hockey. They both filled up at 1pm
on Friday. Unfortunately I was not able to form an Ice Hockey Team for the
people who came by SUS. There were not enough people to form a team. I tried to
place those people interested on existing teams, but was not able to do much. To all
those other people interested in other sports who came by the same thing applies.
On the upside there is plenty of time to get Teams together for Term 2. I would like
to thank Russell and his Chemi Crew for the great Ad campaign.
Day of the Longboat is not too far off, as well as the Street Hockey Championships,
Softball, Racquets, Cycling and others. Hockey season is nearing, I'm waiting to see
if The Mighty Canucks can turn things around. Hockey pools are starting up, including the SUS Hockey Pool 2(Great Prizes!!). Sports Rebate Application Forms are available in Chem B160 now.
Bella Carvalho
President
Hi everybody! It's already time for yet another article? Yeesh! Well, let's see...
Oktoberfest's coming up on oktober 17th. We've got a great band coming out for it
Gunkhouse), and also keep an eye out for the return of the 22oz bzzr mug.
Also coming up are elections for year and departmental representative positions. If
you didn't get a nomination for in, it's unfortunately too late. But worry not, we can
still use your help on one of our many committees.
And remember: I love you all. Each and every one.
We're sorry.
Last issue it was heavily hinted that the band far our upcoming
Oktoberfest event would be none other \\\w Spirit of the West, This
did not come to be. Mikey was closing the deal at the Pit When he
puked on their drummer. But don't panic: Junkhouse was there as
well and ihey were very impressed.
So, we've managed to sign Junkhouse. Pretty cool, eh?
General Rules
for all Science Students:
.i ,We#Vr .   i i ■
Sincetfs the fifth week or.school* the
don 'Hit-on-froshes rule has replaced
by the^o-sg^with-fros^ rule, unless
or course you have one of the
infamous'Kez Kit™ condoms.
Rule #2.
1 condom : 1 time.,
Rinsing with acetoog does not count.
Despite how runny it seems at the
time, blowing up a condom ana
putting it on your head is very rarely
runny, and often quite embarrassing.
Things are going quite well now in Science land. By now (hopefully), the First
Year Committee is in full swing, so look for upcoming first year science events.
If you still want to join and get involved in the planning, write me an e-mail
at <johnpf@unixg.ubc.ca>. If you aren't involved, remember the Science Undergrad
Society is your society so use it and abuse it. Come in (CHEM B160), sit on the couch,
use the free phone, play on the computers, read The 432, use the photocopier and
buy a 75 cent Nestea. Don't feel intimidated. If you are in Science, this is your place.
So come on in.
Edrick Yu	
Public Relations
Yes, the heartbreaking midterms are approaching, and I am still enjoying myself
in SUS instead of staying home and studying like hell. Indeed, something huge
is going to happen, whatever that may turn out to be. Meanwhile, I keep
receiving tons of e-mails from strangers that contain lots of interesting everyday language (you can figure that one out). I will be gladly giving you a copy of these mails
if you really wish to have a look at it.
The Student Summit on the Asia-Pacific has finally begun. Check out all the interesting events that are taking place. On Wednesday, oktober 1st, if you want free food
or if you just want to kill your own hunger, visit the Art Gallery in SUB at 5 pm and
you will get your wish. I have put this whole food fair together with tremendous
pain, especially when most of the clubs balked at the last minute. I think everybody
can stay a bit longer that day, for such a treat as this, right?
If you are attending the food fair (which I am sure you will), just make sure that you
thank members of the Association of Chinese Graduates (ACG) for providing most
of the food that afternoon. As a matter of fact, these people will begin to work on
sponsorships for Science Week (in January) pretty soon. Trust me. I am not joking in
this one. A deal has indeed been made.
Science elections are not too far away, and as usual, '[ encourage everybody to come
out and vote for all the candidates that you like (or don't like if that is what you want
to do). Just make sure that you do come out and vote, and that is the bottom line.
That is my report for now. Don't forget to come to the Art Gallery on the first day
of oktober and eat lots of delicious free food.
Mikey Boetzkes
Social Coordinator
So I was wrong. I'm not perfect either. For those of you that haven't heard we
don't have Spirit of the West for Oktoberfest. I guess one person can really make
a difference. They had all said yes except for the; drummer. Oh well, you have
my apologies for getting your hopes up.
No worries though. Oktoberfest lives on and should be just as good anyway. We
have signed Junkhouse. Yes this is definite, even the drummer. No more surprises, I
promise. Well maybe a couple. I still haven't got the opening bands but I'm working
on it.
Heniy Wong
Secretary
Hello there, and good day to )'Ou. There is a phrase I would like you all to
memorize (there will be a quiz later): "Student Input Makes it Happen!!!!"
You may have seen this amazingly inspiring sentence all over campus this
year, and if you had gone to Welcome Back BBQ, check your yellow mugs that are
lying beneath your pile of stinking socks. The above phrase, if you didn't know
already, is the official slogan of UBC this year, replacing the overused "Up Yours".
We had an informal AMS meeting last Wednesday, where all five executives presented their job responsibilities and goals for the year. Despite being completely
inundated by repetitions of the Student Input phrase, I have to admit that I was
extremely impressed by the executive's enthusiasm, vision, and apparent concern for
the future of the university. A clear message came out of the meeting: The AMS and
university desperately needs more student involvement, or at least more students to
know what the society is and what it does. So, to fulfill my council responsibilities,
here's Lesson One on your student government.
1. The AMS stands for the Alma Mater Society
2. The AMS is comprised of a few very dedicated students, not space
aliens as commonly perceived.
3. The AMS provides all those wonderful services that you thought
were Godsent.
4. The AMS provides all the gourmet food being sold in the SUB.
This point is particularly important if you wish to sue someone
for dulling you taste buds with Pie R Squared pizza.
5. The AMS wants people to get involved and help it in its mission
to kill, maul and destroy the stuck-up bureaucrats.
Signing off for the week	
Henry PAGE EIGHT
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
1   OKTOBER 1997
Nuclear-aided Separation.
Early last week, Tory Senator Pat
Carney commented that B.C.
should seriously consider separation as way to get what we deserve out of
Ottawa. This is not a new idea. Us folks
in B.C. have been playing with the idea
of splitting off from Canada for quite
some time. Just think about it, we'd take
Alberta with us and just wallow in trees,
oil, wheat, and fossilized dinosaurs. Oh,
and don't forget B.C.'s number one
export: pot, lots and lots of pot.
But why stop there? We should convince Washington, Oregon, the Yukon,
and Alaska to come along with us. Then
we'd have the added bonus of more oil
(Alaska), meese (Yukon), lots of hippy
cults (Oregon), and spontaneous nuclear
power (Washington). What a country!
In addition to all that, we'd get all the
economic diversity that comes packaged
with Washington. Of course, we'd have
to nuke Redmond, but the charred and
glowing remains of Microsoft shouldn't
be a bio-hazard for too long.
And Washington is first in entertainment. Los Angeles has Disneyland, New
York has Coney Island, and Anaheim has
Knots Berry Farm. But all of these can't
hold a candle to the whole-hearted family fun of afternoon spent at Hanford
Nuclear Storage Facility.
Hanford can be quite easily and accurately summed up as the single biggest
nuclear 'Oops' to ever occur in this
world. Chernobyl may have released
more radioactive material into the
atmosphere, but that was a single mis
take. Hanford is the conclusion of a long
series of big mistakes. If the officials at
Hanford had actually been in charge of
an ongoing nuclear fission reaction like
Chernobyl, southeast Washington
would be just a smoking crater by now.
No, I'm serious. We're talking about
severe mismanagement of some very
nasty, glow-in-the-dark kinda waste
here. Of the 12 above-ground storage
tanks at the site, 10 have their contents
listed as 'unknown.' What happened is
that in 1960-ish, they put a post-nuclear
reactant into these tanks. Years later,
they put some more waste in. And then
some more. Attention was drawn to this
practice in the early 80s when the temperature of the tanks shot through the
roof and new, never-before seen materials began to appear in the tanks, threatening to erase a significant portion of
the western US.
What did the officials-in-eharge do to
calm this potential disaster? They added
even more radioactive material to the
tanks in the hopes that something in the
green sludge might slow-down or even
stop the reaction.
Needless to say, this particular approach
didn't exactly work. In fact, it doubled
the speed of the mysterious reaction and
made the threat of a release of radioactive gas even more imminent. Their
solution to this problem: release radioactive gas manually, creating a huge health
risk for surrounding civilians. So they
told people about the problem so they
could evacuate, right? Wrong. The only
way the civilians found out was when
everyone started to get cancer ten years
later. I guess Cleetus and Jethro at
Hanford didn't equate a huge, glowing,
green cloud with a potential heath risk.
Not even when seagulls that flew into
said cloud fell from the sky burning.
Hmmm, maybe we don't really want
southeast Washington State. I guess we
could let the yanks keep that corner. But
we're keeping Oregon.
Oregon has thousands upon thousands
of devoted hippy freaks. Remember
Moonies? Yup, they were and still are
based in Oregon. I know what you're
thinking, "Why do we need a population of religious left-wing nutcases and
general all-round wackos?"
Aside from a never-ending game of Spot
the Loonie, they would make a great
workforce of slaves. All we have to do is
convince them that this week's key to
divine ascension is the completion of
yonder dam. Not that we'd let them do
it without supervision or anything. I personally wouldn't feel terribly secure living by a river, with nothing between me
and an 800 foot high, instant, tsunami
but a massive engineering construct
which was designed and completed last
week by Reverend Rainbow and his
merry band of tambourine-playing, acid-
popping, devotees. Devotees who care
more about true love than tightening
every last bolt. Nope, we'd just use them
for hard labour.
Hey, maybe we could use the hippies to
help clean up Hanford. We could give
them a bunch of those pail and shovel
sets toddlers use at the beach. So we
might lose a few in the process, but hippies are a dime a dozen these days, anyway.
So that takes care of Oregon and
Washington, now we need to sucker in
Alaska, Alberta and the Yukon.
Alberta has got to be the easiest of the
bunch to convince. Just throw Zeke,
Bubba, Preston and Co. a six-pack of
Duff every week or so and they won't
mind a bit. Then we can go in and take
the oil, eat the wheat, and turn the
dinosaur bones into a giant, walking,
talking, lightning spitting, animatronic
device that we can send to Oregon to
convince the hippies to work harder.
Next on the list is Alaska. Alaska is great;
it has lots of open space, lots of oil and,
best of all, not that many Americans to
foul it up. Not that they'd notice suddenly becoming part of different country. Most of Alaska's 16 or so inhabitants
spend the vast majority of their time
actively trying to avoid freezing or being
eaten by polar bears. As a consequence,
they don't have much time for pressing
affairs of state.
The only territory left to convince to
join is the Yukon. The spacious and cold
Yukon Territories: Canada's answer to
Siberia. They should put that slogan on
their license plates. It shouldn't be hard
to convince them. The Yukon is very
upset with Canada's "Okay, you can be a
province next year," followed 12 months
later by "This year? Oh, we didn't mean
this year. Try again next year."
So we throw the Yukon a Legislature
and promise to make them an equal
partner based on population. Okay, so
they'd be just barely ahead of Alaska
with something like 0.4% control of the
government, but it's better than anything Canada is going to give them
before 2014 or so.
So there you have it. The best country
on the planet is just waiting for us to
form it. So pick up your pitchforks and
guns and let's start us a revolution!
-John's last two attempts at separation
from Canada failed miserably. Damn. -ed.
bring youri

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