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The 432 Oct 30, 2001

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 t#r facte*85* Serial
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30 OCTOBER 2001
In this issue:
and soooo mucfrmore..
I like my women like I like my scotch; 15 years old and mixed up with coke.
-John Hallett
Making Babies Safer in BC
New legislation protects children, disables British Columbia
The BC Liberal Government is putting
'Kids First' with its new household
safety legislation. The initiative has
been dubbed 'Project Children First" and
aims to make life safer for BC youngest residents by removing most causes of childhood injury from the average home. "We,
the Liberal government, want to convince
the public that we still care about the children, even if we don't care about the teachers", said Premier Gordon Campbell of his
new pet project. "The Liberal party believes
strongly in implementing radical changes
that sound wonderful in concept but never
work out in real life... sort of like Communism." The new proposal, if passed, will see
all dangerous items removed from British
Columbian households in four phases.
Phase I will begin with the licensing of all
firearms, regardless of operating condition
or historical significance. Knives and box-
cutters longer than 3 inches, and pets with
teeth and/or claws and 'really sharp things'
have also been deemed dangerous and will
be prohibited in residential homes, in
accordance with a recent court case (currently under appeal) in which a woman's
children are being removed from her
because she lets a killer boa constrictor
roam freely throughout the house. In
response to recent worldwide (ie. US)
bioterrorist attacks, the Liberals have dedicated Phase II to the eradication of any all
bacteria within their reach. Although this
would guarantee protection from anthrax
and similar threats, collateral damage to
yogurt and your symbiotic intestinal bacteria is expected to be catastrophic. Phase III
will see the removal of dangerous things
that produce heat (stoves, ovens, and other
potentially fatal or harmful appliances like
hair dryers, which could desiccate a child's
eye), stairs, microwaves, plastics and choking hazards such as buttons, ball bearings,
and butt plugs, which in particular could
cause asphyxiation in children, possibly
due to the choking disbelief and subsequent shock one can assume they would
endure if they came across their parents
inserting one of the devices. Fina'Iy, Phase
IV will see the homes of families with children under the age of twelve transformed
with the addition of mandatory padding for
all walls and floor surfaces and the removal
of windows, which allow the prolonged
exposure of children to carcinogenic UVA
and UVB rays. Since almost a full 100% of
child molesters are over the age of 13, the
potentially dangerous parents will also be
removed from the houses. Children are
often mildly masochistic as well, so the
new plan outlines plans for a new, mandatory clothing for them; a clever shirt with
extra-long sleeves that can be tied behind
the child's back so that they cannot hit
themselves or others. So far, they come in
two fashionable fall colours; eggshell and
homey beige.
by Jack McLaren and Pat Spacek
h-tt p: //www. p I if. c 0 m
Barney Glotz, a critic of the new plan
asked, "How can appliances like
microwaves really harm a child".
The incredulous response he received by
several Liberal MPs stated that "in clinical
experiments, it has been shown that children under the age of one (and sometimes
even older) easily fit into average-sized
microwaves 90% of the time. Of course
they can be harmful! Do you want YOUR
child microwaved?"
The proposed legislation, if passed, will
begin it implication early in the year 2003.
"Expectant parents, who happen to be the
process of designing, modifying or building
their homes should be thinking about the
future of British Columbian homes now",
says new mother and loudmouthed Liberal
MP, Kristy Clarke. "After all, you cannot
have things like steps on which an infant
could tumble down.to their deaths, or gas
stoves which could blow up if a child accidentally moved a dial, or electrical outlets,
which could cause electrocution. Now,
some people have expressed outrage at no
longer being allowed electricity in their
homes, but if you think about it you'll realize that humankind has survived for millions of years without fancy-shmancy electric meat knives that could shred a child's
limbs into pieces no thicker than the fibres
in delicious Nabiscotm Shredded Wheat
breakfast cereal. But with blood, not milk,
of course. Mmm, good! But as I was saying,
we're still alive after all this time without
having had electricity in our homes, so why
would we mess with a good thing? And
those Alliance freaks who say we've only
been on earth for a couple of thousand
years can shove it."
Noted environmentalist Jesse Chambers
was not so pleased about the legislation.
"We're polluting more than ever, our landfills are full to overflowing, we're burning
fossil fuels like the ozone layer is inde-
structable - it's not Superman, for Christ's
sake - and here they are worrying about the
lives of a few thousand children. The future
of our planet is at stake! Clearly the appropriate solution is not to prevent humans
from killing their offspring, but rather to
encourage untimely deaths, in order to
slow the precipitous outbreak of humans
that is overthrowing the planet. It's a massive ecological imbalance that needs to be
corrected, and the accidents that occur due
to natural human negligence are really just
mother nature's population control measure.
Liberal leaders dismissed Chambers' comments and went on about their giddy planning of a "Happy Liberal Province"
The Liberals next plan: As more and more
of the provinces population hits that age of
incontinence and bad hips, safeguarding
homes against the elderly is expected to be
the logical next step.
Child Molesters Speak Out
Little-known Fact #147: Every American war since Vietnam
has really been fought against the Smurfs.
Ottawa (reuters)
Anew special interest group calling
itself Love the Children rallied outside the parliament buildings yesterday, calling for an end to discrimination
against child molesters. "All we ask is that
we are allowed to live our lives in the way
that we choose," explained Love the Children founder Mark Johnson during an
interview with 432 reporter Jo Krack. "For
example, many of us enjoy watching young
children... sweet, innocent young children... as they joyfully play during their
school's designated recess and lunchtimes.
Yet many of us have also had the humiliating experience of school employees telling
us to put the children down, put our pants
on, and leave. It never gets any easier."
Other members of LC stepped forward to
bare testimonials to their struggle with discrimination. Catholic priest Bob Parker
told of the humiliation of being fired after
his conviction on 23 counts of molesting
young choir boys. "Would they have fired a
man of God who didn't molest children? I
think not! It's discrimination, is what it is!"
he said. Summer camp counselor Kevin
Davis agreed. "If you've been convicted of
shoplifting, you might still be able to be a
counselor," he pointed out, "yet get caught
with one child and you're out! Extenuating
circumstances are not even taken into
Besides their never-ending mission to end
discrimination against child molesters,
Love the Children has a host of ideas for
the coming year, including supporting pro-
life organizations by offering free babysitting to those who can't afford to have children as an incentive for them not to abort
accidentally fertilized eggs. In extreme
cases, in which babysitting would not be
enough, Love the Children has offered to
adopt and raise unwanted children together in a special "Love House," which Johnson describes as "like a group home, but
with more molestation."
However, not all child molesters support
the philosophy of Love the Children. Mother of six Lorraine Roberts commented, "If
you want to molest children, why don't you
have your own? People who don't keep it in
the family are fucking perverts."
So far, political groups have given almost
unanimous support to Love the Children,
pledging that all special interest groups
need a voice and that discrimination must
stop. "Love the Children? Sounds like good
old-fashioned family values, something our
party is 100% behind," said a representative for the Canadian Alliance parry. Page Two
30 October 2001
Volume Fifteen
Issue Five
30 October 2001
Dan Anderson
josan der@interchange. ubc.ca
Ass Ed
Lana Rupp
Jay Garcia
Ryan M.
Lana Rupp
Ben Warrington
Sister Death
Andy Martin
Bree Baxter
Kevin Nottle
Albert Chen
Jo Krack
Jay Garcia
John Hallett
Brian MacLean
Micheal Groves
Tommy Gershwin
Tim Chan
Corrie Baldwin
Reka Sztopa
Katherine Scotton
May Tee
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The editors of the 432 would like to
encourage reader feedback. If you
have something bad to say, disregard your mother and say it (If you
have something good to say you
may also say it)!
Contact us at: ffie432@fiotmai7.com
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
Now leave, before I taunt you a
second time.
Small Towns and the Truth
Ben Warrington
As some of you may or may not know,
I come from a small town in Alberta.
I always find it amazing how often
my town winds up in the national news. It
has had no one big incident that held it in
the spotlight for a long period of time like
Beaverlodge or Taber or Walkerton,
(where? where? where? —ed) but it seems
to creep into the page two stories on a regular basis. All incidents that I mention here
are within about the last four years.
First, there was the hockey riot. A supplier
for my boss's company at the time heard it
on the news in Vancouver and phoned him
up to ask what was going on. One of Wain-
wright's hockey teams was playing a native
team—I can never seem to remember the
name of the reserve. As it was very briefly
reported in the news, the "riot" was started
with racial insults by the players—typical
racist small town rural stuff. Soon the
crowd got involved, throwing things on^he
ice including not a few empty liquor battles. Anyway, I am told by people who were
there that there really wasn't much of a
riot, and that the police handled things
quite well. What the national news never
mentioned, to my knowledge, anyway, is
that the first racial slurs were made by the
native team when they called our goalie a
"Paid." He was Lebanese, God rest his soul.
As I recall, Wainwright was winning
soundly at the time.
One trip while I was driving to the Edmonton International Airport, to fly to Vancouver as a matter of fact, I saw a cow standing
on the top of a hill beside the road, licking
a telephone pole. I only mention the cow
not because it has any significant relationship to Wainwright, but because it was part
of an overall strange trip. Later on in the
drive, I was listening to CBC out of Edmon
ton, and what phrase should catch my
"The human remains found near Wainwright may never be identified."
As it turned out, the bones that had been
found by a soldier on exercises were actually around 125 years old. They were believed
to belong to a native male in his twenties,
but for obvious reasons, it was unlikely that
a name would ever connected to him.
I drove on a while. As I got closer to
Edmonton, I changed the radio to an FM
station that I liked. In a break between the
music, the disc jockey's gave their thirty
seconds of news, mainly for colour—it wasn't a news station. The one jockey related a
report that the RCMP had recently released
saying that it was actually easier to get
drugs in rural areas than it was in the
cities. No surprise there.
The other disc jockey chimed in with,
"Yah, they are worried about places like
Wetaskiwin (hey I've been there! —ass
ed)and Wainwright."
There is a fair bit of truth in that. Another
incident where Wainwright wound up in
the news, heard in Vancouver by my cousin
this time, was the drug bust. Something
like 14 people were arrested on drug
charges including both parents of someone
I knew and a fairly prominent business
owner. The police had been going after the
hard stuff, cocaine, crystal meth, that sort
of thing which is surprisingly quite available in Wainwright, and wound up netting
a whole bunch of lesser offenders, marijuana, mostly. I don't think that the investigation actually proved very successful in
catching anyone involved in trading the
more dangerous drugs. (That's correct.
There was a report I heard that said that
no-one in Wainwright has ever been
arrested for drugs in the Sudafed family,
for instance, —ed)
The most recent incident, and the one that
prompted me to write this article occurred
last week. You may have caught it in the
news; it lasted two or three days on The
Global National. It seems that a female
Sergeant in the Canadian Armed Forces at
Canadian Forces Base Wainwright went a
little nutty. For some reason, I don't know
if anyone has figured out why, she pulled
out her gun and started shooting. First, the
military police came in and tried to calm
her down. That did not work so well, so
they called in the RCMP. I was actually a
little surprised when I heard that. The two
forces try to cooperate, but there are some
very clear jurisdictional lines. I, also,
wouldn't think that the MP's would normally want to call in the RCMP, just
because it might wound their pride to ask
for help from civilians, but I could be
wrong. Anyway, eventually, an RCMP officer had to shoot the soldier to stop her. She
spent a couple of days in hospital and then
was released into custody.
I love Wainwright in the way that one
loves a really old pair of shoes ones that are
too worn out to be very useful, and are so
smelly that there is a genuine health concern.
I too feel the bizarre pain radiating up
from my backside that I have always
associated with small butt-fuck towns. I
come from a place smaller, much smaller, than Wainwright. You don't know
small town until you have your own little
herd of cows and a graduating class of
about 30 (which includes all residents
within a one-hour-drive radius around
town). Recently the theft of hair from a
live horses mane made the front cover
headline of our local paper. And once
when I was five...
It's become apparent to me that I have
no point but I feel for you Ben... I do my
-ass ed
Couldn't we have something to do with S&M?
Lemon Lyme
Andy Martin
Once Bitten
You know, I love being a wildlife ecol-
ogist/conservation biologist/marine
biologist/freak on the side of the road
with the notepad and a bucket. No other
'job' affords me such an interesting array of
The newest wave of appreciation for my
life's passion came last Saturday.
Having just finished a biochem exam on
Thursday, and having just come in from a
day working in the forest, I spent Friday
night actually consuming enough American alcohol to get a decent buzz, and as a
result forgot to do something very important.
I awoke 11AM EST to find a number of little bumps on my legs. Ah crap, I didn't do a
tick check yesterday. They're probably just
mosquito bites, but I better check.
Sure enough, one little speck of dirt wasn't
coming off. Twisting myself into a 'get
through a tennis racket' position, I got a
close look and sure enough, a little bloodsucking parasite stuck in my ankle.
Shite. What a way to wake up: one disease
carrying parasite and no chick. (Odd, I've
woken up like that, but the two were one
and the same, -ed)
I get out of bed, very conscious of the fact
it's been 19 hours since I left the forest, and
24 hours is the start of the danger zone for
Lyme's disease. I check University Health
centre. Not open 'till 2pm. Great. I guess
students don't get sick as often on Saturday, as they're so far away from all those
dangerously sharp pencils and contusion
causing desks.
I hotfoot it through the Bronx to get to the
nearby hospital. Early weekend, no huge
lineups, right? And with the super-duper
expensive (and therefore high-quality)
American health system, and the fact that
they know that I may have a time-dependant disease that may rip my brain apart in
4 hours, I'll be let right through.
Three hours in the waiting room later, I
finally meet a doctor. I take my sock off and
can't find the tick for the life of me. The
doctor hadn't seen many ticks (small surprise since he works in the middle of da
ghetto). He actually left me to go check the
internet as to what to do about tick bites.
He returned after ten minutes on
Google.com to tell me exactly what I had
been telling him to say for the last twenty
minutes: take a shitload of antibiotics and
don't do that again.
"And quit saying 'Helloooooo Nurse' every
time the nurse walks by!"
Armed with my prescription: "One (1)
Shitload of antibiotics", I turned to face the
civilized world again. I faced a cranky pharmacist who is convinced his was a bad day.
This, with my most recent wildlife injury,
sustained in a life or death struggle with my
supervisor's carnivorous cockatoo, still
freshly throbbing on my left pinkie,
reminds me how dangerous, and how fucking cool this job is.
It ain't the first. I've nearly had my hand
ripped off by a fish hook, nearly drowned in
Burns Bog, been nibbled on by all sorts of
fish, fowl and otters, whacked by halibut,
pissed on by snakes, bitchslapped by a seal,
thrown sharks overboard, and survived two
cougar attacks in one night (but enough
about Fred's Uptown Tavern). And it won't
be the last. A year of chasing owls and poking seals with sharp sticks is sure to result
in another fun-fun disfigurement or two.
Who the hell needs tattoos when work
uglies up your body for free, with less
chance of an STDs. However the freak factor changes from the dirty guy trying to
convince you to take your pants off to do a
bicep tattoo, to "We're gonna make you
squeal like a pig! Ain't we boss?!'
While we miss Andy, we don't miss his
many and widely varied diseases. Run
free, mister Martin, run free.
-ed 30 October 2001
Page Three
Martha Stewart's Hell-o-Weiner-Scope
Albert Chen
Such a nice boy
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Treat: Breast milk. Serve this highly nutritious, original, and EXTRA SPOOKY food
to your guests and your friends will surely
be surprised. Of course, never reveal the
actual source, or else your friends will definitely get you. As to how to make it, it's
very simple - get a woman (preferably lac-
tating) and ask her for a sample of her
breast milk. If all goes well, be very original
and scary, as I always like to be...serve it
warm with my famous spider-chip cookies.
Breast milk with spider-chip cookies: it's a
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
Trick: Poking condoms. (I'm just not asking —ed) Think big this year. Don't go to
poor people who can't afford to buy my
expensive books. Believe me, if they can't
pay $500 for my crappy books, their candies won't taste good anyway - so think big
and choose your target very carefully. My
advice? London Drugs. Dress as a bank
robber (complete with toy guns and black
mask); you can quickly go to the store and
ask everyone to put ALL the candies in
your sack (or suitcase) or you will POKE
HOLES in all the condoms in the store. At
this point, show your nine-inch spear for
extra dramatic effect. Of course, you may
get caught, but no one holds ANY responsibility, because if you do what I just
described, you are an idiot.
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Treat: Make spooky light bulbs. Grab a
regular light bulb and collect some buttons
(preferably made out of 14K yellow gold.)
Arrange the buttons in spooky patterns
such as spider or the wicked witch of the
west (or me, since I can't tell the difference
between the two.) Now, grab a glue gun
and glue EVERY SINGLE button onto the
light bulb. Use them as regular, ordinary
light bulbs. Or, use them as treats and
serve them to your friends as a dessert
course that they can do nothing but admiring. Really, this is what my food is all
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Trick: Don't throw rotten eggs! If someone
refuses to give you candies, use your brain
and smarten up. Take me, for instance. If I
dress up and my staff fails to address me as
their one and only queen and give me their
candies, I just tell my lawyers to fire the
stupid person. My lawyer will do the rest
and sue the guy's pants off. Really, you
should do the same - hire and lawyer so
s/he can go trick or treat with you. You will
get so many candies. Well, the only drawback is that your lawyer may want to share
the profit. I guess it won't hurt to give them
all the crappy stuff... (lousy poisoned
apples... -ed)
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
Treat: Make man breast milk. This is highly original and very sexy. It's really simple,
too. Convince the guy of your choice to take
reserpin, a highly illegal drug. Reserpin
stimulates the production of breast milk:
soon enough, just grab a bottle and collect...stuff...this is equally delicious when
served cold or warm. It's even more delicious when served with chocolate-chip
cookies. Man breast milk - it's a really BAD
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23)
Trick: Dress up as janitor. Tell the ass-hole
who refuses to give you anything that you
will clean his or her house for free. Then,
once you have entered the house, grab anything and everything in sight. Of course,
you might get caught, but hey, what you
pay for is what you get, right? Just like this
crappy column that I am writing - really,
since you have paid absolutely nothing, I
get to dress up as your psychic...
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
Treat: Don't serve your kids sweet stuffs;
sweet things make them unruly. Soon
enough, they will cut your head off and put
it on a stake while chanting some primitive
songs! Think like me -1 give out my books
instead. Really, all the plastic stuffing
makes all the pictures in my books look SO
GOOD! My recipes suck (since I make
them up as I go), so you might as well stare
at something that you will never be able to
reproduce. Ha! So buy my book, you lousy
people who will never be as rich as me. Buy
my books: it's a very GOOD TREAT!
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Trick: What if your boss comes in and
wants something from you? Since the boss
makes offers that you literally can't refuse,
practice this simple trick: serve very rich
food. Make s/he fat, very fat. Soon enough,.
all the side effects will be manifested - first
there is the weight problem, then comes
the blood vessel clotting, and finally,
boom! Ding, dong, the asshole is dead! So
what are you waiting for? Serve that rich
humble pie, make that tasty pumpkin pastry, and get all the rich sweet heart-attack
inducing crap you can into the soon-to-be
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Treat: Treat you neighbours with something you don't want. Why don't you gather all the leaves in your front yard and back
yard, put the leaves in a large black garbage
bag, and give the whole bag as a gift. What
does it do? Well, the bag is really noisy
when you shake it. Still, don't just limit
yourself to my boring ideas - use your dog's
poop, your smelly garbage - whatever your
heart fancies. No, this is not a treat to your
Now, a New and Completely
Revolutionary Solution!
-Super Deodorizing Power!
-Now with Anti-Capitalist Action!
-Gets rid of unsightly classes!
-Fight Bacteria and Odour-Causing
Imperialist Pigs
-Now in special lemony Prole scent!
-As seen in the Communist
Political Theory
Useful For Life, Happiness,
Peace of Mind, and Equality
NET WT: 2 Revolutions
*do not mix with vinegar or laissez-faire    **_ product of the Sparticus Youth
neighbours - it's a treat for you! And don't
limit this practice to Halloween - I do it
every other week. Really, my 8 dogs are
great helpers...
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Trick: Tell your friends that you have an
inside source who says they have just failed
their midterm and there is a conspiracy
against their career. If you have a bunch of
pre-med friends like me, this will work out
REALLY well. They usually start to have
tears in their eyes and frantically try to
check out what the hell is going on. It
should take them about an hour before
they can calm down and start thinking. It's
another 3 hours before they can function
properly. Of course, run away when they
want to beat the crap out of you.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Treat: Get porn. You have been lonely all
these months. You have been a good boy
and/or girl, so why don't you be an animal
for a change and get some porn (what the
hell is going on? My computer can't spell-
check porn!) Since most perverted stores
have discounts on everything at this point,
grab anything you want to watch. Really, I
find it quite relaxing. Since my husband
has dumped me for some other bimbo, citing my really awful bitchy temper, I find
solace in bestiality... (Nothing quite like
getting into the spirit of the season, too!
Try "Werewolf House II: the Anal Tales"
for that festive feeling! —ed)
Warning: The above column makes no
parody of any television host, dead or alive.
The 432, its editors, writers, and all members of SUS hold NO responsibility of any
stupid things you do. In other words, take
the advice at your own risk! Really, the
article is just advice - it's up to you if you
decide to be really stupid, (please, please
do. —ed)
John Hallett
Jjl    Spicy Thai Style
The problem with drugs is that basically I don't get enough. I mean, really, there's like 50 pounds of hard core
drugs in the world for every person but
none of that seems to simmer down to me.
Let's face it; I love cocaine. It's a magic
powder that makes you feel like a three
year old. Kindergarden all over again.
That's what drugs are about.
Everybody needs to know somebody
named Miguel. He's the guy with the drugs.
Need drugs? Talk to Miguel. The man even
has a pager. It's like drugs on delivery.
Think Domino's but substitute hash for
pepperoni. That is what I love about modern society. You want opera tickets? You
can get 'em cheap. You want hockey tickets? How about 10 cents on the dollar? You
want hard core illicit drugs? How about 10
bucks a gram from a 14 year old Thai hooker? That is America, for you.
The issue that I can't possibly imagine is
that most people in our society spend
mega-dollars on their drug habits. 50
bucks a gram. Have you heard this story?
Seeds are available cheap or next to free
from Hemp BC (depending on your timing
from the nearest drug raid-they get cheaper when you might get a felony for possession). That's the issue. Everyone should
purchase and smoke the copiously available drugs simply to confuse the cops.
But I'm running out of time.
So, in conclusion, Democrats rock. Vote
Gore. Thank you. Page Four
30 October 2001
Campus Coke, Crack
Conclave Creamed
Kevin Nottle
Smokin Hard
Yesterday UBC President Martha
Piper and the 432 editorial staff were
arrested by the Mounties on charges
of cocaine and crack distribution and possession. The bust was made on the night of
the 29th in the corridors of the Klinck
building by the back entrance to room 200.
Dan Anderson and Lana Rupp were caught
buying 20 kgs of Columbian Gold from Ms.
Piper. The ultimate intended recipient is
believed to be the Science Undergraduate
Society Director of Publications Benjamin
When confronted by the cops, Mr. Anderson is reported to have said; "What are you
talking about? I don't need crack, the
Columbian government gives me 500
grams of the cheap shit every time the 432
mentions that delightful substance. I wanted brains. Mmm brains..."
Ms. Rupp is alleged to have then brained
the blabbermouth for "...not keeping his
damn fool mouth shut about next week's
buy. Tonight we're getting shit for Ben.
Men! Useless! All of them!"
Nothing coherent came from Ms. Piper.
The two straws up her nose, and half empty
bag of some white powder in her hand are
believed to be the cause.
No charges have been formally laid
against the suspects as yet, due to their
present unavailability. When asked to
explain this slip, Chief Inspector Hawker of
the University RCMP stated; "We handed
the criminal bastards, I mean suspects,
over to the Campus Cowboys, because that
sort of shit is all they're good for. When we
stopped by the basement of the Main
Library to take them in to be formally
arraigned, they were gone." In an aside to
his aide, Hawker continued; "This means I
win the pool on how long it takes those
rent-a-cops to prove themselves totally
useless. Pay up."
Campus Cowboy Security Chief Gomer
Pyle denied any knowledge of the whereabouts of the fugitives, or even of being
informed that; "My overlord had been
apprehended by those overpaid, conceited
stuffed shirts in red serge. I also deny being
bribed with a snort of Columbian Silver to
make these denials." When questioned as
to why he had a straw stuck up his left nostril, Chief Pyle screamed and ran away.
After contacting the EUS and meeting up
with their 24 hour Piper watch team, communications were established with the
chief administrator. The newly minted
fugitive was ensconced in the basement of
the VST building, screaming "Sanctuary,
sanctuary!" whenever        someone
After being shot with a couple of tranquilizer cartridges full of hemp oil, her hysteria
was reduced, her other eye opened, the
hump on her back shrunk, and intelligible
conversation was made.
When asked her view of the past nights
events, the now mellowed Ms. Piper still
wouldn't fess up, claiming. "Lana is such a
nice girl, when she asked me to help her
friend Ben, I was glad to oblige. With all
the paranoia after September 11, couriers
are so expensive. I was quite glad to deliver that package to Alberta for her."
Confronted with a replaying of the surveillance tape showing that only money was
given to her, and that she was the one
delivering packages Ms. Piper went nutso.
The basement of VST has since been sealed
off, until conservation officers can be
brought in to subdue the now out of control
University President.
The 432 editorial staff was found at the
residence of one John Hallett, now under
round the clock protection provided by
Messrs. Garcia, Martin, and Maftei armed
with a keg of Russell Christmas Ale and
copious amounts of bodka. After buying a
round, ingress was permitted.
Nursing a head wound, Mr. Anderson was
unrepentant, proclaiming, "Crack is no
worse than hemp, and should be just as
legal. When Ben [Warrington] told me his
dilemma, I had to step in to help. No one
should have to go through withdrawal
alone. "The poor guy was given a shot of
Columbian pure by some Dr. Rex Morgann
character, and the cheap ass Klein government won't pay to support his new habit.
"One of their doctors made the mistake,
they should fix it.
"Well the bastards wouldn't, so we had to
get Ben hooked up ASAP. Everyone knows
Piper has scads of the stuff, so we asked her
for some."
All that could be gotten out of Ms. Rupp
was "I hate cops. I hate withdrawal. I hate
protective custody. I hate..."
Phoning Mr. Warrington met only with
reports of his absence at work, and a rather
bizarre answering machine message at his
current residence.
"Dan, you gotta get me that shit fast now.
Them rabbits are starting to eat my brains.
Mmm, brains... I'm losing it man. All hail
Ralph Klein. Shoot anyone who ain't white.
God, I'm becoming an Albertan red neck. If
Miyako learnt I was doing this shit, she'd
hug me to death. Dan, Lana, I need some
more crack, now. I know you've got the
shit, or you can get me some, so do it, pronto, before I explode that nuke I hid under
Ben's appendage Miyako Hewett was not
able to shed much light on these events.
"Ben, do crack? Never, he's too cute, that's
more Dan [Andersonj's game. Besides, do
you know how harsh they are on drugs over
there? Ben told me he saw a Secret Police
snatch team take in a couple of U of A students just for sharing a joint. Doing crack
gets you sent to Toronto.
"Well, last time I talked to him, he did say
something about being bitten by a Stam-
peders fan, and you know how rabid they
Reka Sztopa, SUS President was reached
after emerging from her 11th tanking of the
week amid cheers of "We get the keg, we
get the keg" from a crowd of ecstatic
Ms. Sztopa (after re-attiring herself in
PVC pants and halter-top) was quite willing to discuss the situation regarding her
errant officers, but could shed little light on
the subject.
"Ben's only on this side of the Rockies for
the occasional publication weekend. I'm
not going to bother hanging around SUS
just to talk to him when there are all these
bzzr gardens on campus with all these people just begging me to get hammered.
"As for Dan, I'm surprised they're going
after him for crack. I was so sure that he'd
get arrested for trafficking brains. Guess
that means Jag wins the pool.
"I thought Lana could make a good sheep,
I mean SUS councilor, but since working
on the rag [the 432], she's just gotten so
cynical. Hating everyone, deriding everything, I guess it was only a matter of time
before she started to follow in Dan's footsteps and did crack."
The repercussions of this charitable, but
highly illegal act have yet to be fully
realised, but rumblings from the Premier's
office, and the AMS suggest they will be
substantial and painful, in a sadly non-sexual kind of way.
UBC To Be Privatized,
SUS Deconstituted
Kevin Nottle
Still Going
UBC President Martha Piper was arrested
recently for selling crack cocaine to two
students. No charges have been formally
laid as Ms. Piper and the students involved
have slipped through police custody. The
University RCMP disavow all responsibility, dumping it on the campus cowboys.
Regardless of the lack of formal proceedings, the government has taken action
With its top executive caught in such a flagrant violation of the criminal code, Premier Gordon Wilson has decided to privatize the University of British Columbia. He
was quoted as saying; "Any excuse to get
that whiny bitch off my back. Lets see how
Piper likes getting funds from people with
real money."
With no formal charges having being laid
against Ms. Piper to date, it was asked if
this a touch premature, inciting a vitriolic
response. "Fuck that shit. I'm the Premier,
I've got all but two seats in the Legislature,
I can do whatever I feel like, and no one
else can do dick."
Some private institutions have already
indicated an interest in acquiring UBC,
including BioKrieg Inc. A spokesman stated; "Vith an already existent population of
killer squirrels all vee haf to do is set up a
proper breeding program and vee'f got a
Veapon that makes anthrax look like a
kiddy toy."
AMS President Erfan Kazami, dismayed at
the loss of government support has enacted
damage control, trying to reverse the Premier's decision. An emergency session of
the AMS is being called decide whether or
not to repeal the SUS charter.
"SUS has been thumbing its nose at the
AMS for too long. It's past time to bring
them to heel. That election fiasco was bad
enough, but letting science students implicate our Lord and Master in something so
preposterous is too much.
"With the Premier over reacting like this,
we have to take steps to convince him to
reverse his decision. If UBC goes private,
no way will I be able to continue with my
boondoggles, I mean expansion of student
services. Eliminating SUS is the only thing
we can do to prevent this."
On hearing of the pending elimination of
SUS, newly elected Director of Finance
May Tee was irate. "Oh my God, what is
with this? First I get tanked five times less
than a week after getting elected, now you
tell me we're going to have our charter
repealed before I've gotten my Porsche."
Aussie exchange hack Kevin Nottle was
quite depressed on learning the news.
"Shit, now where am I going to spend my
eight free hours a day? SUS was my life, I
can't be without it."
"If they try and do this, I'll tie the AMS up
in so much litigation, and points of order,
they'll be sifting through legal briefs for
years to come," was the response of the
irate AIMS rep, and all-round busy body
Ryan Morasiewicz.
Strangely, a large portion of the SUS executive could not be found, even by the
hordes of engineers roaming campus for
tankees. Of greater peculiarity is that the
missing execs are all SUS representatives
to AMS council.
No AMS official was willing to offer an
explanation for the missing SUS councilors. Sources report having seen AMS
security personnel sneaking furtively
around the SUS lounge just before the disappearance of these individuals. It is
believed they may have been concealed in
the steam tunnels.
With no one available to take the side of
SUS in this upcoming council meeting, the
fate of this society is as doomed as public
tertiary education in B.C. Sources indicate
that with the final sale price for UBC
increasing by the hour, the possibility of
selling UVki SFU and UNBC is getting
more attractive.
"Who knows, we might actually recoup all
that money we lost with that tax cut we
made. It's for damn sure we're never going
to make it up through the 'increased revenue produced by a stimulated economy,"
reported an anonymous source.
Whatever the final outcome, this is a sad
day for education.
We're not really sure why he wanted to
write so much, but we're not complaining. Especially since he gave us so much
Win Prizes!
Fill out our online survey at
or the dingo will eat your
baby! Really! 30 October 2001
Page Five
Ihe 432 Presents: the Twelfth Annual /
Erotic Haiku
Come here mangina
And Jill me with your goodness
I want it right now
Slippery and wet
You show me what you're made of
And I want to die
Hot chocolate I pour
in rivers down your body
and lick it all up
Sty Onim *K,
Feeling frisky now
In the mooajor something new
Quick, grease up the cat
Cold rain Jails outside
But you will never leave me
Inflatable goat.
Sty rfaotttymoub tf.
the leaves havejallen
come over to the fireplace
and bring your dildo
rain on a tin roof
I await with bated breath
a golden shower
surrounded by Jog
the crack of a leather whip
I thank you, mistress.
iii-,s^ ii. *t >
':?•'■   :.
Ohyes, ohyes, oh!
Yes, yes! Oh God\
Matlock is so hoi
Yes, yes! Oh God yes, yes! YES!
loc   '      *
Vegetable oil
Paper clips, a night
With grandma again.
thunder in the clouds   4'fe^S? "
I thank Godjor Vasoline.%?^ '
as you lie asleep    , -y ?&'■■■'
the smell ofJall~ri$i: r
I think my tov&*$
what is that-
the petals haygmm
I miss my tov&^^fi^ouch
hand me njys^^m^.:'.. ■>.
the winds howl outside
the creak of twisted leather
stop struggling so much
,«.-.  ..
"Ohyeah there's thespoi'T W*^.:
Wait no, no, more over'^ftflftSfc'-"?^
Could you make a map?.> *£££?•&'*" I
Let me get this straighfs *■*—*&' '<■ i
You want me to do w^!e0^^':
It won't bend that WJkW^^^m'y:
Erotic haikus     j "   ■ ■ ■ ■ -	
Too much beastititii
This is SUS wmB
Wednesday dfflWil&£*&
Walking back to'Meiw&ne-
Helb squirrel!   -:;,
„ ^'V'st,'?*1'.     -VJW
iVs_,*«-<-i7. '■•>: '
Failed my last mmerm
Now how will I graduate?
My TA is hot...  *:-.
Sty s4(to#ttym<M& ?4.
Summer rain drizzles
On my bare chest, warming me
Lying chained to the pier
Spring cleaning again
Now, here's a tool I can use
Power-wash me there
Soft grass freshly cut
Nipple clamps hurting so much
Cornfrakes taste so good
Wool shavedJor summer
Stubble scraping my inner thighs '■
AJarmer's Friday
Flesh cold as the snow
The blueness calling to me
You're gone; I want you
It is my Jitst time
The new feeling stretching me
My ear hurting now. ■"'
the tree is leafless ^:
the thin rope sways in the mhd.
as you dangfegrwde*??       .:::
c andy and /lowers?      .^
whips, fufry animals andt gravy
now you're getting it    .: "
the warm orange suny\,:
cold metal in yieldinaMesK
that looks like.it f
the snow, swi,
you. move p{
Now it's Chemistry      r \
AUa&n^Isit, stare, dregrn
Precipitation '■■%
■■.*"'■ ■' \^wfl^0SM9^fioe^x^ckItucy meat
'■*&! *-*■& "*&■ ■;:.-</ ^..: -.-j* ~*&™-
{iW ■■*■   w*
x-.. ■". -l"
'0?  -v'
Cold Hard jeicles
A contrast to my warm mouth
Youiffrfffte happily
Wfa$£s coldbites, hard ,f
Amtshe bites even$t$xder ? &
£01 join in too?   ' "■     •■£? : t
'X* * ' * •*
■****.,-' • ■> '
"Sharp winds and strong min .-.'•■
No match to leather and chains
How did he escape?
t ant breathe under winter lake
Hand moving quickly
Seasons pass sojast
In the third trimester
You will still c^meJ^ji
Four guys and Jour beers
Keeps winter snow from stinging.
Stop complaining guys!
"Fake Plastic Tease"
Mounting my true love
Sf. ^-Suddenly, arousal dies
■:"r' Air leaks really suck.
^iii_t'*'t'r *
and tfre awards 0O to...
Orion K, for the Bestiality category, with
"Feelingjrisky now"
special mention to Anonymous R for
Surrounded by them "
In the nechrophelia category we have
Anonymous G. with "the petals have gone"
with special mention to:
Anonymous G.
for the "Sex in the Ozarks" category, for:
"the snow swirls swiftly"
Sol Meyer with:
"Fake Plastic Tease"
Honorable Mention goes to: Eagraine Yuhjor
use of the word 'Mangina'. GoEggie! Page Six
30 October 2001
The Rabbit Pearl     The Sound of Death
*&") Jo Krack
Toys 'IT Us
I promised that this week, I would talk
about the Rabbit Pearl vibrating dildo.
But in light of recent events, I decided
that we need this sex toy discussion more
than ever, and so I extended the scope of
this article to include other romantic
"extras," even those that are not animal-
Finally, just to toss in a Halloween theme,
I decided to take you all on a tour of the
Haunted Fuckerware Party... it's not really
haunted, but for some men, it will be scary.
You see, it all started when a friend of
mine invited me to a fuckerware party.
Actually, she said Tupperware, and then I
laughed at her, and then she said "No,
*adult* Tupperware!" and explained it to
me. After all, we have to have a tame
euphemism to use in cases of phone conversations and emails at work. So anyway,
although I was not a sex toy virgin at that
point, I was used to buying my warez alone,
so the whole party thing was new to me.
Just imagine: a dozen women in a basement suite, chowing down on chips and
slugging back alcohol, waiting for the dildo
show but trying to pretend they're all there
for the massage oil. Ok, now quit imagining
it. You're making me uncomfortable. Quit
It started out tamely, of course (I say "of
course" because this was an all-female
party, in which over half of the participants
had never used a sex toy). It was one of
those sexuality-is-healthy-not-raunchy
presentations, so that we could pretend we
were all sophisticated goddesses in touch
with the gentle appetites of our cli—er,
womanhood, rather than sex-crazed lust
puppies. We passed around massage oils
and creams, sniffing them and oohing and
aahing over how good they smelled. We did
not mention where we would probably be
slathering such goodies if we purchased
them. We definitely did not mention various farm animals.
It got a little racier when our presenter (I
like to refer to her as the fuckerware lady)
handed out Q-tips with a tiny amount of
green goo on the end, which she called
"pleasure balm" (it's actually the same stuff
you'd use on a teething baby's gums, except
mintier). We were then instructed to go
into the bathroom and place this stuff on
our cli— er, love buds. There was a lot of
nervous giggling, and then finally one girl
(OK fine, it was me) got up the courage to
go first. I applied it— nothing. So I applied
a little more— nothing. I was about to
apply a little more, when WHOA! Delayed
reaction! And that stuff BURNS! I waddled
out of the washroom, trying to look sexy
and sophisticated and trying not to let my
eyes tear up. The other girls bought it and
went to try it, one by one.
One poor girl didn't know where her clit
was, though, which is roughly equivalent to
a guy not being able to find his penis. The
scarier thing is that she's been sexually
active with a steady boyfriend for years! So
men, there you have it: if your girlfriend
does not know where her clit is after that
long, you probably haven't made her cum
yet, which is pathetic. I'm not saying you're
the only one responsible for her pleasure,
but perhaps you could encourage her to do
a little self-discovery, for both of your
sakes! I mean, how can you not notice that
your sweetie is receiving the equivalent of
blue balls on a regular basis? And you
thought she was moody and depressed
because of PMS....
Well anyway, that's all for today's public
service announcement, now back to the
party! After the "pleasure balm" incident,
things heated up a bit. We were shown
some manuals of sexual positions, some X-
rated boardgames, and some accessories/novelties (whips, cat o'nine tails,
furry handcuffs, velcro bondage set, sex
swing). And then, after all that foreplay, it
was finally time to get down to some lovin'.
The fuckerware lady began with small
vibrators, little "bullets" with multi-speed
dials. We all held them in our hands and
shivered. She then moved up to dildos,
both the vibrating and non-vibrating kind.
She skipped the double-headed dildos,
though... perhaps a bit homophobic of her?
(I don't think that's homophobic since
there were no guys there. Lesbians are
probably no more likely to like anal sex
than straight or bi women. Analphobic,
sure, --ed) (Um Dan... That's not quite
what she meant. I'll tell you when you're
older —ass ed) She was also shy about the
anal products, such as the "Little Butties"
starter kit.
There were realistic-looking (albeit ten
inch) dildos, silly dildos (it had a face and
eyes! And it was smiling! Aaaah!), and specially-curved dildos. There was even a realistic one (with veins, balls, and all) that had
a huge suction cup on the base, presumably
so you could stick it to a surface and fuck
away. I was thinking "New hood ornament!" but I was afraid it would get stolen.
However, when she passed around the
Rabbit Pearl, I was in love. It's pink with a
cute little rabbit attached near the base.
When the thing's turned on, that little rabbit's ears go wild on a girl's, er, passion
pearl. Plus the shaft is filled with small pellets, and it rotates, which is really really
really cool. Really. There are variations on
the Rabbit Pearl: beaver, bird, iguana,
yak... but I think I will always be partial to
that adorable little bunny. (I don't think I'd
ever want a yak near my crotch, but that's
just me. —ed)
At the end of the party, when it was time
for each of us to go into the "consultation
room" to privately purchase our new
boyfriends, one of my friends voiced the
concern that perhaps such orgasm-
enabling love machines would make our
boyfriends feel inadequate. Personally, I
don't see how any guy could be intimidated
by an eight-inch piece of plastic capable of
giving women rapid pleasure in under 15
minutes. Plus, it doesn't fart, burp, or
whine for oral sex. Nor does it cheat on
you, or get jealous if you cheat on it. And it
doesn't care it you overwork it, ignore it for
weeks, upgrade it, or steal its clothing. On
the other hand, nor does it take you out for
dinner, remember your birthday, or say
sweet things to you. Which are, of course, a
few reasons to date live human males.
(Hint: if you're a guy reading this and you
just realized that if your girlfriend were
smarter she'd replace you with a Rabbit
Pearl, perhaps it's time to tell her how
much you love her. Just a thought. Or hide
this article so she won't get any ideas.)
So there you have it boys: it's as bad as you
thought. Your girlfriend isn't "saving it
until marriage" because she's crazy, she's
just discovered a more efficient way to get
what she needs. So take up your mission!
Know your enemy! Go out there and win
back all those satisfied women from their
Rabbit Pearls! Convince her that you two
can use it together if you must! And girls:
I'm having another party in January sometime. Wanna start your new year off right?
7, being of a modest and pure background, am highly offended by this article. How could you suggest that all
women are that driven by such immorality. I suggest that you all pray for forgiveness of'your sins and abandon these
hedonistic ways before Satan can lay
claim to your pitiful little souls. That
said... when was that party?
Cause baby... I'm getting NO action!
-ass ed
Sister Death
The time is at hand
There isn't enough spontaneous
singing in our lives. I was watching
Singin' in the Rain the other night
(that's right, Death takes a holiday, have
your little fun) and realized two things.
First, the 1952 version of Gene Kelly has an
extremely nice ass, and second, musical
stories make me happy. True, most of the
musical movies we grew up on were Disney
animations, but sprinkled in there were
some live-action fare, the Sound of Music
and Marry Poppins and Grease and so on.
No one in those movies thought it odd
when the lead characters burst into song.
Our latest addition to the Dead Pool list
comes from my favourite Ubyssey staff
member, Graeme Worthy. Or, as I like to
call him, Graeme Worthy.
Charlie and The Chocolate Factory taught
me that naughty little children always get
what is coming to them, and that while you
get your comeuppance, you'll get sung at by
Oompa Loompas. The Sound of Music
taught me that a) Nazis are evil and b) life
in a convent in Austria is a zany and wacky
time. Jesus Christ Superstar taught me that
Judas was just misunderstood and Jesus
was really having a hard time in those last
few weeks. Mary Poppins taught me that
English nannies are all magical and London chimney-sweeps were all robust adult
males. Grease taught me that in order to
get the guy, all you have to do is become a
tramp and Grease2 taught me to appreciate
what Michelle Pfeiffer has done with her
career since the casting mistakes she made
in her youth. Moulin Rouge showed me
that it was possible for Ewan McGregor to
do a movie in which he did not have to
show his ass (Star Wars movies aside; and
we have two more to go in which he can
drop his Jedi drawers). The Wizard of Oz
scared the crap out of me (they were Flying
Monkeys!!! and I was only 3 years old.)
South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut...
was bigger, longer and cut at just the right
length and after I saw it I vowed never to
show it to my children.
Graeme Worthy's Dead Pool list has a
tinge of musical theatre, in that he has
placed Bob Hope, Dudley Moore, George
Harrison, Johnny Cash and the Queen
Mum on his list. Whatever would the world
do without the Man in Black?
If I could have anything before I die, it
would be the all-musical kung-fu action
movie starring Jackie Chan and Jet Li.
Once more, guys, with feeling!
Reader Response!
To the editor:
I have recently read your "news"paper and have found that it contains some of
the most useless and irrelevent bullshit I have ever seen printed for public reading. If I
urinated on a roll of toilet paper, it could easily provide me with more entertainment than
your weekly (bi-weekly bitch —ass ed) shit-on-a-stick nonsense that you call a publication. I mean 'Holy Fuck!' do you people even attend this university? It's like you're all
writing with the combined intelligence of a drunken barn animal (sheep dogs not included). Sometimes I wipe my ass with your paper, but it even sucks for that. I must say
though that your paper, on occassion has actually been a. comforting source of warmth for
me. This only works, however, if I steal a whole stack of them... One paper alone doesn't
burn for long. Fuck you, science dorks.
Graeme Housser
Despite claims to the contrary, we like mail. Mail lets us know if we're doing our job.
So, we at The 432 would like to extend a heartfelt 'thank you' to Graeme, who we have
no grudges towards at all. At all. Really, —eds
2    Peer: A 432 Personals Ad
Name: Graeme Housser
Handle: Big G.
Location: UBC Engineering
Likes: Romantic dinners lit by the
warm, soft glow of computer
monitors, jpegs of moonlit
beaches, online porn
Itfp    vp
■** ** x «* -a is'M* w « V *■
I Seek OufcThat special someone;
preferrably a tall leggy brunette
resembling Lara Croft. Virtual
relationships are just not working
anymore - need a living, breathing
woman for the first time. Must be
at least a 12th level Mage.
« * «r f k* * *
The other other white meat..._ 30 October 2001
Page Seven
The Drawers of SUS
Katharine Scotton
There is a bzzr garden, Shit Happens
in November, coming up on November 2nd! Come out, it will be a blast.
It's in the SUB partyroom from 4-8. Also,
SUS social committee is always looking for
more people to plan, help set up at, voloun-
teer during, and clean up at events. There
are even rumours floating around that
there are 'benefits' to be had for people
who help out. Other than that, I like snail
meat. Yum.
Brains Are Better.
Benefits you say? Frosh? Bzzr? Wild sex
involving Kat and several furry mammals? Please, please! Oh baby!
-ass ed
El Presidente
Reka Sztopa
t's been an eventful past few weeks for
Last weekend, all of our newly elected
councilors went up to Whistler to get to
know each other, to start work on committees and to brainstorm great ideas for this
There are so many things going on in SUS
that it is sometimes hard even for us to
keep track. Here are some highlights.
For the next three weeks, we will be actively promoting the 2001-2002 SUS survey
and our new mailing list, sus-info@inter-
change.ubc.ca. The survey is your opportunity to tell the SUS exec and council members how you want your $12 spent. The
mailing list will be your chance to receive
weekly emails from SUS about events and
information important to Science students.
Also, watch out for the Sh*t Happens in
November Bzzr Garden on Friday November 2nd, FYC's ski trip, FYC's dance on the
31st, new things happening in the SUS
lounge, intramural sign-up opportunities,
and the chance to sign-up as a member-at-
large for our many fun SUS committees.
Stop by SUS, Klinck 202, and check-out
what you've been missing! Have a great
two weeks!
Translation: "I got drunk this weekend
and don't want to talk about that hairy
thing I woke up next to on Saturday.
Whatever posessed me to go out and pick
up a 30olb teddy bear from Eatons?And
Ryan, if you distribute those pictures, I'll
kill you."
Or something of the like.
External VP
Michael Groves
The Referendum has be set to occur on
the week of November 5th to 9th.
Again, there are three questions
posed to the student body. ,The first is
about the creation of a AMS Student Services Fund that would be supplied by a new
student fee that would be introduced at $3
and increased incrementally for the next 4
years until it reaches its permanent
amount of $12. This fund would protect
and enrich the AMS Services in the upcoming years with projected budget cutbacks
looming in the near future. The second
question is about updating the current
bylaws. There will be a copy of the proposed bylaw changes in the SUS Office
located in LSK 202. If there are any questions, you can contact me at
mngroves@interchange.ubc.ca. I was part
of the committee that examined the current bylaws and I may be able to provide
. some insight.
The final question is more of a survey
question. The AMS is enquiring if the UBC
student body supports differential tuition.
Internal VP
Brian MacLean
The retreat was a lot of fun. But now
it's time to put on your most ghoulish
dancing shoes and boogie your scary
ol' bones. The First Year Committee's organizing a big Halloween bash in the SUB
party room this Wednesday. They've done
a great job and I think it will be a lot of fun.
Things get underway at 7:00 pm and there
will be free candy, and prizes galore. Wear
a costume and get in free.
There are different schemes about how differential tuition can be implemented. The
idea behind differential tuition is to get students to pay for the market value of their
degree. For example, it could mean that
students in one faculty might pay more
than a student in another faculty because
of the cost of instruction. The university
will be having a forum to share what might
be in store on Friday, November 2, 2001
from 12-ipm in the SUB, South Side
Lounge (near the cafeteria entrance).
Please learn more about all three topics
and vote. It is important that a true representation of the student body's opinion be
shared so that the AMS can react accordingly to better suit what students value.
Finally, the Science Week Committee has
begun to prepare for the end of January. It
will meet at the SUS office (LSK 202) at
7pm on Tuesdays. If you wish to help out
with Science Week 2002 then please stop
by. The more the merrier.
Especially if you're in a hot tub with
Mike and Lana. Trust me.
Yes trust us, especially if you are young
and innocent!
-ass ed
Anyone interested in being on the Academic Committee or the First Year Committee, come by the SUS office and leave me a
Please note that you won't get in to the
Halloween bash free if you're disguised
as a UBC student or as any of the SUS
exec, although why you would debase
yourself by dressing up as a Science exec
is beyond me, especially when you factor
in the increased likelihood of being
x tanked.
May Tee
Getting tanked was actually quite
refreshing; thanks for organizing
the whole "tank the exec for a keg of
beer" contest; I now have another interesting story to tell to my grandchildren one
(Now, on with our regularly scheduled
exec report -ed)
Ah, the wonderful world of finances—
especially when you're working with a budget that's been passed and approved by
SUS Council AND the AMS Finance Commission. The Budget Committee meets
every Tuesday at 5:00 p.m. (the location of
the first meeting on Oct. 30th and subsequent locations TBA), so if you're a club
representative, please fulfill your responsibilities of representing your club by attending these Budget Committee meetings.
Anyone interested in having a look at our
2001-2002 budget, please e-mail me at:
mctee@interchange.ubc.ca. Have a great
week everyone, and happy spending.
My tanking experience was also invigorating, but a tit nipply.
-ass ed
Corrie Baldwin
Hi guys, well, the midterms are finally coming to an end for most of us
and now we have the big bright
future of final exams ahead (joy!). Finally, I
might actually be organized. Three weeks
ago AMS councilors (including our own
Science executive ) sat for 8 hours in an
AMS meeting until 2 o'clock in the morning going over the referendum questions
that will be voted on in the upcoming referendum (it's upcoming, that's all I remember). Kudos to Brian for being my proxy
and to Reka, Groves, and everyone else
who stayed for the entire meeting to keep
quorum. You guys are the true troopers.
The referendum issues at hand are changes
in the AMS bylaws and differential tuition.
I encourage everyone to fulfill their role as
an active UBC student and to educate
themselves on the issues. For example, do
you really understand the concept of "diff-
ential tuition" and what is your opinion?
Get out there and vote!
More news from AMS: there are lots of
committees for students at large to get
involved in. For example, the U-Trek Committee is looking for students to contribute
to negotiations for a student bus pass, and
there are several "Long Range Planning
Committees" for AMS council. If you are
interested then feel free to contact me at
corrie@infomine.com and I will forward
your name onto the AMS executive.
And on a humourous note: All the SUS
exec got tanked by the engineers last
Thursday and it was so much fun! ha ha. It
rocked. Luckily I'm suffering from only a
small bout of pneumonia -1 think I'll make
Please, shoot me. If lever hear 'luvies'
again I'm going to show whoever said it
exactly what luvies' are and how one's
anus never feels the same afterwards.
Tim Chan
Hey /all. I hope everybody is surviving midterms and is looking forward to the wonderful exam season
ahead. Remember that if you have a hardship (3 exams in 24 hours), contact the
Registrar's Office and your profs right
away. I would also like to give props to all
the Execs for going along with the mass
tanking at the hands of the Geers this past
Thursday. It was freezing, the water was
disgusting, but all in all, I'm glad that I can
include an engineer tanking as part of my
undergraduate experience.
On TV there is sometimes figure skating
Tommy Gershwin
First of all let me congratulate all of
those people who got Dental school
interviews! Not too much happening
in the world of public relations. We made
good strides in our comraderie with the
'geers (evil as they are). All the exec dutifully (and for their share in a keg '0' beer)
got tanked outside the Cheeze.
Quite the experience, I recommend it to
all! (Why do they all like it? Why are they
thanking me? Why, why can't I just make
them suffer? —Fiend) Class Act had its first
meeting on Monday. All departments
should have graduating representatives for
it. Email me if you are interested and I will
let you know if your department already
has a representative. Project G is starting
G is for gonad, is good enough for him.
Don't ask; it's a long story, involving
cookies and a blue haired guy.
D of Publications   Sports Rep
Ben Warrington
u... will all... pay....
Now gimme some sugar, baby.
I'm right here!!!
-ass ed
Kristin Lyons
Um, like, I don't think anything's
going on. Like, I heard something
from Tiffani, but like, she's all
strung out and stuff, so like I'm not really
sure and, like, stuff. Okay? Like, okay?
Like totally! SUS soccer teams kick ass!
-ass ed
Trapped in H*t%.
Surrounded by EvfT*
Out of Antibiotics
30 October 2001
Getting' Down with your Inner Devil
\\srVty    Jay Garcia
G >U 3 Fall Face First
October's a fine month, if you don't
mind the wet and the dark and the
poisonous cold. It's not just that the
days are turning to night earlier (though
we do have the ever mind-boggling Daylight Savings period upcoming; sometime
this weekend, I'll gain an hour, which I will
probably spend like I do all the other
"extra" things that show up in my life; in a
state of cantankerous debauchery). It's also
that it's no longer shorts weather, and, by
extension, women are wearing more.
While I'm no proponent for "barefoot in
the kitchen, goddammit, and when the hell
did they get the right to vote like real people," I do appreciate well-chosen displays
of athletic female flesh. There's something
sexy about a toned pair of arms, or a bared
midriff. Fall, and of course, it's bitchy older
seasonly sister Winter, have nothing but
mocking remarks to those people foolish
enough to pretend that it was still warm,
with weather in the high teens. Usually,
these remarks go along the lines of "What,
you're wearing that nice, thin tank top
thingy, then? Here you go, a shiver of cold
air to make you feel all nipply. And, for an
encore, howsabout a sideways spray of icy
rain?" And while there's something to be
said about eye-catching shirt-poppers, the
quality of the education system in this
country seems to have ensured that more
than enough women are dressed appropriately and un-revealingly, in fashionably
monochromatic turtlenecks and loden
coats. Personally, I blame the international
fashion designers, who normally have a
sadistic streak a mile wide (I mean, who
the hell thought of emergency bandages as
evening wear? And where can I write to
them congratulating them for this stroke of
sartorial genius?)
I guess they were looking at their bottom
lines and deciding that, by taking advantage of the two extra seasons, they would
have twice as many excuses to hire Kate
Moss and other similar models to ogle
backstage (nevermind the fact that most
fashion designers find the models about as
sexually stimulating as boiled cheese - as a
wise ex-editor once told me "never let the
facts get in the way of a good story"); the
resulting consequence, however, is that
many a brand-conscious young woman has
then chosen to go and cover up in some
well-priced and non-revealing piece of
October, therefore, is a bitch of a season,
with wet, muggy days and people wandering around campus dressed like extras
from The Poseidon Adventure, or the latter
half of Titanic (you know, the good bits,
with people clinging to deck furnishings
and falling off railings to bounce off of
computer-generated propellers). Given a
proper choice, it would always be late
spring / early summer, with the birds
singing, the bees a-buzzing, and scantily
clad barely post-pubertal women scampering around campus. However, as the Powers that Be have wisely decided not to grant
me time and reality warping powers (hell,
even the State Control board has seen fit
not to allow me access to any sharp objects
or combustible materials), we're stuck with
a cold, blustery season for the next few
The only bright spot in all of this abject
autumnal misery lies in the Halloween parties. It's at these events that people decide
to throw common sense to the wind and
partake in the costamed festivities that
sprout up all around the common party
locations, like celebratory mushrooms.
That entire concept as clothes as "protection from the elements" don't tend to apply
when one has decided to dress up as Anck-
Su-Namun (for those readers who lurk
beneath rocks or in damp and dingy caves
and have decided to eschew the entire
tainted film industry, this is the character
played by the very well-endowed Patricia
Velasquez, who basically pranced around
the film in gold body paint with black lines
drawn on her - and nothing else). Halloween parties are the one brief respite in
an otherwise dreary season, and people
seem to appreciate the ability to dispense
with rationality and warmth in order to
dress up as pop-culture icons (preferably
easily-recognizable pop-culture icons; it's
one thing to dress up as Subcommander
T'Pol; it's an another thing entirely to be
recognized as having dressed up as Sub-
commander T'Pol).
With October also being an accursed season of dreaded midterms, and with this
being a university campus and all, many
people view costume choice as a way to
blow off some steam and indulge in their
creative side. Of course, the end result is
that people often decide to come dressed as
skimpily and as provocatively as possible; a
peek at their attire will show you the secret
recesses of their personalities. Even the
most straight laced, hair-inna-bun, pencil-
behind-the-ear goody-goody can choose to
let go and surrender to the role implied by
their costume choice. Halloween is always
a good time for people to let their hair
This, in fact, tends to bode well if one is at
a beer garden surrounded by a bevy of
young ladies in skimpy evening-wear (who
have, apparently, decided to come as "Victoria's Secret Lingerie Models"). However,
you may want to give wide berth to any
body dressed in a PVC dominatrix's outfit,
no matter how good-looking they are,
unless you happen to be into that entire
whips and chains scene ("Who's been a bad
boy then? What you need is some discipline! On your knees, slave!")
It's a little more problematic when you're
dealing with people dressechip as devils, or
have angel wings attached, or are painted
head to toe in blue and resemble Smur-
fette. What are these people really trying to
say with their costume? Are they espousing
some affiliation with the Orthodox Church
of Satanism, or that they secretly have a
desire to be the only woman in avillage full
of boys? Or is it just that these were the
easiest costumes that they could scare up
on short notice?
And while we're on that subject, given the
nature of the season, though, it's a wonder
that more people don't put at least a little
bit more thought into the materials of their
costume. While going as Scantily-X, Space
Chick (dressed entirely in aluminum foil
and saran-wrap) may sound like a good
idea, after a few hours roving campus, the
tears in your costume will turn you into
Commander Public Indecency.
Ultimately, it would be great if all holidays
had an excuse to come dressed up in costume. We could dress up as soldiers for
Memorial Day, your favorite Jewish actor
or comedian for Hanukkah, and come as
rabbits or Crucified Christs for Easter. But
I'd be really looking forward to Valentine's
Day and Christmas (something along the
lines of "Why don't you come over here and
unwrap your present" comes to mind).
(Just in case anyone's wondering, this
Halloween, I'll be the one dressed up as
part of the HazMat team, complete with
full-faced gas mask and industrial-strength
The Science Undergraduate Society Presents....
Sh*t Happens in November
A/oD you?
Please bring change for a Unicef donation box. Also, bring your own mug to
reduce waste, or buy one of our 22 Oz. mugs.


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