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The 432 Feb 10, 2004

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10 February 2004
'Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain/
-Sum Yung Go/'
V-Day Sucks No More
Though You Might Have To, Says Federal Government
Vancouver, BC (Reuters)
In   a   startling   move   that   many   are
attributing to a backlash against the
.slow pace of romance, the Canadian
government has introduced aggressive
new legislation aimed at making Valentine's Day more sexually fulfilling for its
populace. "For too long, Valentine's Day
has been a major letdown for the majority
of Canadians," explained Prime Minister
Paul Martin at a recent press conference.
"The retail sector reaps in huge profits by
convincing people that they will be invited
to participate in passionate love-making if
only they proposition their loved one with
Valentine's-themed cards, flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals, and expensive dinners. Sadly, this is not a reality for many
couples, let alone single people. This new
legislation aims to rectify this appalling situation by requiring every of-age Canadian
to sexually satisfy a fellow citizen on
Valentine's Day."
To guarantee February 14th sexual activity, the government has created the Love
Police, a team of enforcers made up of
police officers, special ops forces, and professional dominatrixes. The Love Police are
well-trained in orgasm-enforcement, and
will be patrolling the entire nation come
February 14th. "If I find you in some overpriced French restaurant, cooing to your
date like the desperate piece of pathetic
man-meat you are, I will not be lenient,"
warned Mistress Angelica Cockburn. "I
don't care if you ARE in a restaurant: if you
aren't busy servicing your woman like she
deserves, I will be introducing you to the
sting of my cat-o-nine-tails instead. And
ladies, don't believe I'll go any easier on
you: if I catch you telling your date you
have a headache, I'll paddle your lying ass
until it's as pink as your hot little—hey, get
your ass back here and finish the interview, you pathetic excuse for a reporter!"
In addition to the standard furry handcuffs, condoms, and copious amounts of
lubricant, the Love Police will be also be
armed with vibrating nightsticks. Besides
helping less attractive people to coerce others into performing their "Valentine's
duty," the Love Police will also be setting
up massive "love" roadblocks. "We're
expecting a high degree of compliance
with the roadblocks," said Love Officer
Dave. "Cars are basically bedrooms on
wheels anyway, so if we find a couple that
fails the Pussy-Breathalizer, we'll just ask
them to pull over and get in the back seat.
Things should progress naturally from
there." Much like the standard breathalizer
measures alcohol content, the Pussy-
Breathalizer accurately determines
whether or not a person has performed
oral sex on a woman in the past two to four
hours. "Back when I was just a regular cop,
I used to work on plenty of late-night roadblocks, and I can't count the number of
times I could've used a Pussy-Breathalizer.
Uh, just for curiosity's sake, y'know?"
added Love Officer Dave.
To help singles comply with the new
mandatory-sexual-activity-on-Valen tine's
laws, all hotels will be hosting free "Valentine's Singles Mixers," with the popular
slogan "You're Gonna Get Laid... Or Else!"
Organizers have been equipping their ballrooms with festive streamers, red jello, and
Twister mats. "To be honest," said hotel
operator Peter Johnson, "I don't think the
guests will even be noticing the decor.
Which is good, because it frees my staff.
This is going to be a government-ordered
orgy to remember!"
In a show of support for the new legislation, Hallmark has unveiled a new line of
greeting cards specifically tailored to the
new Valentine's vision. Previously-popular Valentine's images, such as doves and
Cupids, have been replaced by hard-core
pornography. Whereas last year's cards
bore messages such as "Be My Valentine"
and "You Have a Special Place in My
Heart," this year's cards include invitations
such as "Fuck Dinner, Eat Me!" and "Bend
New Ben &
Tastes Very
(Boston, MA)
This week, Ben & Jerry's will have a
new series of specialty ice creams.
Made especially for people with
indigestion problems and infants, the
Homestyle Breast-Milk line "Tastes Just
Like Mom Used To Make," the promotional material claims, and is extra-creamy and
flavourful due to a careful and time-tested
process that Ben & Jerry's is awaiting a
patent on.
"As far as we know, we're the only company to offer such a comprehensive residence and health benefits plan to single
mothers," said B&J spokesperson Jamie
McKeller. "And we're very excited about
the pending patent on our tug-a-bed,
which is provided free of charge to all our
stays while they're in their stalls. Er,
rooms. And thanks to a new partnership
program with Mosanto, we are also providing free dietary supplements."
Over, Valentine!" Company president Ian
Helms explained, "We try to be very trend-
conscious here at Hallmark, in order to
keep up with the ever-changing greeting-
card needs of our customers. Apparently,
'fucking' is the new 'making love,' and we
wanted our cards to reflect that." He added
that the new beanie babies, "bondage bear"
and "fuck bunny" would also be available
for purchase.
When asked to clarify the new legislation's controversial "No Virgin Left
Behind" clause, the Prime Minister
announced that concessions would be
made for all those "waiting for marriage."
"This new legislation is not meant to force
people into compromising their values for
the sake of satisfying their animal lusts,"
said the Prime Minister. "I respect the sanctity of marriage and its holy, God-
endorsed fucking, and therefore I will be
giving all citizens the power to issue one-
day marriage licenses on Valentine's Day.
The forms should be mailed out to every
household by February 12th." Responding
to questions about the ethics of ordering
people to engage in sexual activity, Martin
grew visibly disturbed. "In 1968, Pierre
Elliot Trudeau proclaimed that 'the government has no business in the bedrooms
of the nation'. Well, it's 2004 now and it's
high time the government got back into
those bedrooms!"
Preliminary telephone poll results show a
whopping 73% of Canadians are in favour
of the new legislation, although approximately 40% questioned whether the definition of "sex" included masturbation. "As
long as the masturbatory activities involve
phone sex, or internet chat rooms at the
very least, I think it's safe to say that jerking off qualifies," confirmed one of the
Prime Minister's aides. "Really, we do
understand that sex with a partner is just
not going to be an option for every Canadian. What's important here is not the technical details, but the bigger picture: Valentine's is a special day set aside for hot, animalistic screwing, and as proud Canadians
we should be embracing that and showing
the rest of the world the real reason why
the beaver is our national symbol!"
No condoms were harmed in the pounding
(out) of this article.
MAT ttfFF6AJ£P?7 Page Two
10 February 2004
Volume Seventeen
Issue Seven
10 February 2004
Lana Rupp
Dan Anderson
Ass Ed
Jo Krack
Kat Scotton
Lana Rupp
Jessica Otte
Andy Martin
Pat Lau
Jo Krack
Eric Findlay
Dan Anderson
Amazingly Printed by
Horizon Publications, Vancouver
Legal Information
Firstly, we've been told that it's illegal to have twenty kilos of dried
and cut bud in your posession at an
airport. Well, so we've been told.
We'll see them in court - do you
have any idea how much that much
prime weed costs? And after we
payed so much import GST on it
because we declared it at it's retail
not wholesale value, too!
Also, The 432 is produced by a
bunch of dirty hippies whose hair
has gained sentience in the Inter-
Faculty Publications Office downstairs in the SUB. All views
expressed in this issue are
panoramic and strictly those of the
individual writers - hell, sometimes
they're not even theirs - and as
such are not the responsibility of
the 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the Faculty of Science. Writers, mudslingers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to the 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle at
least thrice, and contain the
author's name and contact information, or some facsimile thereof.
We would like to encourage reader
feedback. To wit, the first person
(hydrants included) to email us with
the header "for Dan" and the message body "Dan, you are the most
amazing person I have never met"
will get a free beer (or two) for free.
From Dan. In case you hadn't
Contact us at: the432@hotmail.com
Of Mulch and Mildew
Dan Anderson
Dislikes Pantaloons
The needle-in-a-haystack problem has
returned, albeit with a new twist:
now, as students ruffle through
pocketfuls of pens and keys, their cellphones have gone missing. At what point
did cellphones become smaller than
erasers? Did some scientist decide that hey,
wouldn't it be cool to make a phone that
could be marketed at adults, since it's a
choking hazard to children under 7? After
all, we all remember what a resounding
success McDonald's adults-only burger
was. That's it: show us pictures of kids
scrunching their faces up in disgust. That'll
make us hungry. Or, maybe, just maybe,
it'll make us think of that one time we said
"I guess if you say so, honey. You're right,
it's just one finger, I'll let you try it if you
want to so bad. Um, aren't you going to
put some lube on it, or at least get it wet?
Are you sure? Well, ok." You know, the
reason we all have that one pillow with the
bite right out of it. In fact, that's the feeling
that I get from most McDonald's food.
Kinda slimy, very rough, overhyped, and
it definitely doesn't go in easy. Needles for
blood never go in easy, either - at least for
me. One time, the nurse, on about the fifth
attempt, started making stirring motions
with the needle once it was in, just to see if
the vein was actually in there. Now, I've
never been in Nursing, and I've never been
through med school, but I know that one of
the basic premises of medicine is YOU DO
PATIENT. Period. So it served her right
when blood squirted all over her on the
next try. Red meat is quite possibly the best
comic out there, but it does leave me wondering: what other kinds of meat are there?
Life is not a Dr. Seuss novel, and I've yet to
see meat that is not somewhere on the red-
to-brown spectrum, with ashes not counting as meat. You'd think that leaving
chicken in the fridge for a month and a half
would give a prime example of non-red
meat, but you know, it didn't change
colour, although I did when I smelt it.
One must wonder: who was the first person who said "let's stack all these rocks up
in a plane, and see if they fall down on us
and kill us or if they keep the wolves
away." Sadly, we'll never know, mostly
because that person was probably crushed
to death, along with everybody afterwards
until mortar was invented.
Do you think that the first person to use th
word "nonsequitur" said it for a lark at a
party, and then she kept saying it because
it was funny, until one day she made it to
university and had to think up a thesis?
That's the only general route I can see most
English students taking. Although being
able to call the pinnacle of a four year
degree a bunch of musings on comic books
is definitely nifty.
Fag. Dyke. Wow, I bet you hate me now. I
used dirty words. It amazes me to no end
how often those ones popped up in the
Ubyssey's Pride issue. Some have called it
desensitization. I think it's a weird form of
marginalization of the non-queer community: they're not important enough to get
to use the special vocabulary. Ah, well. To
combat this injustice, I'll create an even
greater one: I'll put a new word into usage,
one which only the coolest of the cool,
those in my special club, can use. If only I
could decide between "Fyke" and "Dag."
If I catch you using my words, you'd better
watch out, or I'll report you. I'm not really
sure to who or for what reason. I'll think
that up then.
I haven't accepted Jesus into my heart. I'm
not really sorry about that, either. I eat a lot
of junk food, and really the place is a sty.
Maybe if I start working out, you know,
get some of that arterial gunk out of there,
maybe get some new carpeting. But until
then, I'm sorry, I'm just not ready to entertain. And no, Campus Crusade for Christ,
you can't inject Draino into my vein to
speed the process up.
Have you all seen the "we agree" site?
Perhaps you should have a gander at "we
disagree." Go to www.v-humor.com and
click on the link. My personal fave is how,
in the original, Chip's big quote was "All
the recognition I could ever want was
achieved 2000 years ago on a wooden
cross," and on the disagree site it's "all the
recognition I could ever want I'll receive
when we raze the earth to ashes." Also, the
writers of disagree took the time to correct
some of the very basic spelling and grammar mistakes from the original. Nice.
If forced to choose between a mule and a
donkey, I would choose the mule, since it
can't reproduce over and over, covering
the earth in it's offspring, like humans are
doing. Just so you know. You know, in
case you ever want my opinion on that
Reduce Redundancy: Eliminate
Duplications and Repetition
and Other Stupid Words
Jesssssssica Otte
Attention Warning?
We are lucky enough to have the
fortune of attending this highly
prestigious university with a
great reputation. The University of UBC
strives to create a wide range of diversity
in its courses, and it is the most unique
campus in BC. Each and every student
should strive to dedicate him/herself to
academic endeavours from the initial start
to the final outcome of their studies.
However, on the other hand, not only can
we obtain a BSc. in Science but we can also
grow developmentally in terms of our personal self-awareness.
There exist many extracurricular events
outside of our studies to partake in; for
instance, take the examples of intramural
sports within the university, working at
part-time jobs, getting drunk on alcohol,
cross-checking ISBN numbers of used and
required textbooks, and volunteering to
perform a service by one's own free will.
Everyone will completely finish their
degrees, separating them out the McD's
slave workers. Job prospects may appear
awfully dismal, but don't be apprehensive
of the future: competitors are few in number, green in colour, and dishonest in character.
You may perhaps have noticed that the
bureaucratic administration is in the
process of phasing out real, live people to
instruct courses, replacing them, instead,
with computer technology. WebCT
course tools, remote control wireless
transponder devices, and Internet textbooks available online, are becoming the
basic essentials of learning information.
This terrible tragedy can be avoided if we
join together, because, first and foremost,
the sum total of our voices is stronger as a
collective group. From past experience, I
know that personal beliefs may vary
between individuals, and that things
change over a period of time. Irregardless
of this, I urge you to attend a strategy policy planning meeting at 8 p.m. on Monday
night, so that we can unite as one to further
advance the conceptual ideas of an attack
against the tyrannical, authoritarian dictators oppressing us.
After the meeting is over, we can become
air-locked, banjo'd, bashed, befuddled,
boozed up, buzzed, cabbaged, canned,
crocked, drunk as a skunk, drunken,
flushed, fubared, fuddled, gassed, glazed,
groggy, gutter-bound, hammered, hazy,
high, hosed, in orbit, inebriated, inspirited,
intoxicated, jolly, jugged, juiced, laced,
lagered, liquored up, lit, loaded, lush,
merry, muddled, off one's chump, off
one's trolly, oiled, on a bun (?), out of one's
tree, palatic, pie-eyed, pissed, plastered,
plowed, potted, seeing double, sloshed,
soaked, sotted, soused, squiffy, stewed,
stunned, tanked, tiddly, tipsy, totaled,
compliant, unsober, wasted, wobbly,
woozy, and zonked in no particular order.
Those of you who have alcoholism problems should think ahead to the next morning when going to the ATM machine to get
some more cash money for booze. Also,
you don't want to catch the HIV virus, so
be careful about going home with
strangers who you don't know.
The 5th Annual Conference:
Practical Applications of
Integrative, Complementary &
Alternative Medicine
Topic: Prevention and Treatment of Cancer
c \JL ^_V_\_?z
UBC Longhouse and Ponderosa
March 6, 2004
$10 for UBC students 10 February 2004
Page Three
Bottle of JO: $21.95
Jo Krack
'Your new best friend'
I swore I wasn't going to, but somehow
my friends managed to persuade me to
shell out $15 for the Everything About
Sex show at Canada Place. I am vehemently opposed to paying vendors to show me
their products; would you pay a cover
charge just to enter Sportmart? At least I
got some good article material out of it.
The booths ranged from the tacky (geni-
talia-shaped ice cube trays, straws with
plastic boobs or penises, little toy soldiers
that jerked off when you wound them up,
a plastic blow-up cow named Little Daisy
that advertised "an udderly creamy experience") to the ludicrous (an "extension
condom" for the under-endowed man, a
vibrating nipple relaxer with the line "a
great pleasure maker for those who really
care," a stuffed bear dressed in bondage
gear, a make-your-own-rubber-dildo kit
that necessitated either having a penis, or
being able to convince a penis-owner to let
you make a cast of his penis) to the shit
that had very little to do with sex (an oxygen bar, a sunglasses stand, henna tattoos,
fingernail appliques, those flashing lights
they sell at fireworks/raves and other
nighttime events, plastic ice cubes with
flashing LEDs inside, an orthopedics
booth, psychic readings). Our group was
disappointed to find that there was no
Blowjob Booth. What kind of a sex convention has no Blowjob Booth??
There were some pretty cool things too,
though. For example, we got to watch two
ladies in leather pick out volunteers from
the crowd and give them a public whip
ping. I got to see two very similar men volunteer, one after the other. They were so
similar, in fact, that I'll just describe the
first guy's experience. He was in his mid-
30s, average-looking, slightly overweight,
and looked like he spent a lot of time
watching TV. He took off his shirt and rested against a large wooden X, with his back
to the whip-lady. There was something
intensely voyeuristic about the whole
setup, and when the whipping started, I
felt rather dirty for watching. After all, if
he was enjoying it (his face seemed to suggest that it was somewhat painful rather
than arousing), he might be getting a hard-
on in front of a huge watching crowd. He
took the blows rather well (the male ego is
a wonderful thing), and I forgot to scrutinize his crotch when he left the X and put
his shirt back on, so I guess I'll never know
what he really thought. His girlfriend
(wife?) looked pretty curious, though.
There was a lot of clothing/lingerie for
sale, including an entire line of t-shirts and
sweatshirts bearing the sign of "The Shocker," complete with witty slogans. For those
of you who don't know what "The Shocker" is, it's a hand with all of the fingers
except the ring finger extended. You have
to be familiar with female anatomy to
understand why such finger positions are
significant: the index and middle fingers
are intended for vaginal penetration, while
the pinky finger is left for anal penetration.
As I've heard others put it: "two in the
pink, one in the stink." Charming. My beef
with it is that calling it "The Shocker"
implies that the finger in the ass is a surprise, and unless you've talked it over
beforehand with your partner and she's
agreed that you can "shock" her like that,
that's just not cool.
That Mail We Got That
Time From That Guy
From: "Party guy"
Subject: Alphenquenos
To  make  an Alphenquenos,  mix  in  a
medium-sized glass:
1 shot of blackberry vodka
1 shot of vanilla schnapps
11/2 shot of regular vodka
8 shots of coke
If there's room, cheap Chablis may be
added to round it out. It's very buttery and
smooth, as long as the blackberry vodka is
good - try blackberry liqueur and more
vodka if need be.
Uh, thanks? -ed
Under the
"I": You?
From: "Eric Findlay"
Subject: Eric's haiku
Projection Haiku (Linear Algebra)
Multiply A by
(A-Transpose times A) Inverse
Then by A-Transpose
Suuure... -ed
From: "sexybeast6234@canoe.ca"
Subject: blgger_c0ck-N0W!!!
You too can have a better life! Tired of the
same old refinancing scams? ...
Yes, yes we are. Fuck off! Aaaaagh! -ed
Erotic Bingo!
Loads of sexy prizes
and tons of fun!
Feb 12th at the Gallery
All proceeds donated
directly to local organizations that are working to
stop violence against
women and girls.
One of my favourite finds was a small
container with a pump-top, labelled
ANAL LUBE in huge letters. A perfect gift
for the indiscreet: "No, mom, that's not
soap, that's my ANAL LUBE!" "Hey,
wanna have butt sex? Because I have the
perfect ANAL LUBE!" I suppose "Anal
Lube" sounds somewhat classier than the
"Mr. Thick Dick" penis enlarger cream we
found, though. Both of those were almost
topped by a sign we found advertising
"Fun With Your Bum 101" (now why don't
they offer that at the AMS minischool?).
Nearby was a booth selling non-piercing
genital jewellry; some of it actually looked
pretty neat.
We stumbled upon a "Colour Your
Koochie" contest, and the three girls in our
group couldn't resist entering. We were
each given a sheet of paper with a sketch of
a female body on its back, legs spread. As
our guys watched on, we enthusiastically
filled in the blank between-the-legs area
with interpretive pencil crayon designs.
Some of the already-posted entries included a hamburger, an igloo, a spiderweb
with the caption "still a virgin", and a
house being lifted by a tornado. I tried to
make mine look electric. I'm sure psychologists would have had a field day.
Another neat find was "The Bulge," made
for male exotic dancers and swimmers
experiencing shrinkage to stuff their g-
strings and bathing suits. I made the guy at
the booth take one out for me so I could
give it a closer look; it was made of nylon
weave and felt kind of like a basic masquerade mask. It had a raised area that
gave the faint impression of a flaccid-yet-
sizeable penis, and the booth-guy told me
it could be packed with silly putty. And
here I thought some guys just used socks to
get that extra bit of bulge!
At the same booth, we found samples of a
"masturbatory aid" cream called Stroke 29.
Apparently, after the 29th stroke, it warms
up and changes texture so that it more
closely resembles erectile tissue. Oh baby.
The ad boasted that it would "last longer
than you do." We ended up trying to give
the sample away to a very drunk young
guy we met on the bus home; as he drunk-
enly managed to read the instructions out
loud, my abs spasmed from laughing so
But I have to say that the best find of the
night (for me, anyway) was a lubricant
named after me (only $21.95!). The bottle
read, "For proper lubrication you need the
right partner. Meet your new best friend
JO." The back of the bottle went on to list
my many qualities, including: "JO is recommended worldwide by doctors and
pharmacists," "JO is designed for multiple
uses and to enhance your sense of pleasure," and "JO is long lasting, odor and fragrance free and won't stain your clothes or
bed linen." Those are some rave reviews;
I'm quite flattered. (I think I'll put them on
my resume!)
Due to the freebies offered at some of the
booths, I came out of the show with seven
condoms, four samples of lube, and a lollipop. To break out even, I really should
have taken more condoms. Anyway, now
that you know what a commercial sex convention is like, it's time for you to turn to
my special Valentine's Sex Toy Guide, also
in this issue. And as usual, to contact me,
email gimmekrack@hotmail.com. First one
to count how many times I used the word
"penis" in this article (including this sentence) and email me the correct answer
wins a condom and some lube!
5? Page Four
10 February 2004
Science Week: A good time had by all!
This year Science Week raised several hundred dollars for Science World's Super Science Club which is a program for
inner-city school children. Thanks for donating through the charity raffle draw, the BBQ or the donations box. The
exact donation to the charity will be announced in the next edtion of the 432 after it has been finalized. CONGRATS!
And now: An Overview of Science Week
from the mouths of
those   who
This year SUS teamed up with the UBC
Debate Society to put on a debate with the
resolution being "this House would
embryos    for    stem    cell
research."  Students from  all
faculties      attended      and
the      very
out   for
The Biophysics Student Society had a
colourful booth during Science Week. Liquid nitrogen ice cream and candy were
some of the yummy treats given out.
The friendly SUS Exec
The Professor Talent Show was a bladder-
not mind - blowing success. Highlights
included Jaymie Matthew's titillating tribute to Tycho Brahe and the Science UBC
edition of the Bachelorette. Bruce Todd's
chemistry chorus made sure the show
went off with a bang. Thanks to the students who came out and special thanks to
the faculty who contributed to this event:
Bruce Todd, Jaymie Matthews,  Wayne
Nagata, Geoff Herring, Celeste Leander,
Bill Thompson, Jessica Ament,  Dave
Tonkin, Milan Coschizza, Harry Bras-
tianos,  Brain Ditchburn,  Mark Castro
and Len Lerner were all amazing.
The BPP Professor Research Night had
an extremely good turnout and the professors all had a great time presenting.
The ISSA/SOS Silly Putty making was a
rousing success and will hopefully become
a new Science Week tradition! Who knew
that making a mess with water, food
colouring, borax and two litres of glue
could be so much
debaters Greg Allen,
Edward Cheung, Adam
Davies and Reka Pataky.
Storm's Movie Night featured "X-
Men 2" in the SUS lounge at six and had a
larger than expected turnout.
For the third year in a row the very successful Jello Wrestling extravaganza oohed
and aaahed hoards of
Science Olympics!
UCS Wins Science Oylmpics
Beyond First Year, the annual event for
first year students, went off seamlessly
again this year with tons of free food for
The annual UCS Chem Magic Show was
another great success. The kids loved it,
the students at UBC enjoyed it as well and
the lab rat even showed up to perform a little dance to the elements song!
MISA's Cheesemaking event with Dr.
Smit went very well with a good turnout.
Lots of interesting information was
exchanged, along with a fun demo and
good treats.
This year Khalil Philander defended his
Jello title as the men's winner and Vanier's
Shannon Beewas declared the woman's
Distinguished UBC professor
r. Brett Finlay presented
an interesting  and well
attended lecture on E.
coli     at     this     year's
Keynote lecture. If you
didn't attend you definitely missed out!
This year SUS was proud
i  present the  very  first
Undergraduate Research
Showcase. The turnout was
great and both participants and
viewers alike enjoyed discussing the various research projects being presented.
Many thanks to all those who participated
(Kristin Lyons, Andrew Thamboo, Shannon Wang, Laura Willihnganz, Richard
Wong, Lisa Frey, Jana Sebelova, Mark
Chen, Nicole Arskey, Saleema Amershi,
Cindy Kam and Ryan Shannon) and we
hope to present this event again in 2005!
Despite some unfortunate technical difficulties, viewers of Pre-Med's Movie Night
were able to watch the first half of Perfect
Illusions, a documentary on eating disorders. An excellent discussion followed
which was led by our two guest speakers.
Kristin and Two Dans in Jello
During Science Week, the Pre-Dent Society was able to inform many students
about the wonderful profession of dentistry as well as promote their club!
The Quiz Show was run with a big bang
this year! There were participants
from all across the Science background board and wowed all
the   participants   with   their
brainiac knowledge. The Biophysics team "The Chocolate
Monkeys" was victorious.
Pre-Med's     Medical     School
Admissions Lecture allowed students from  all years of study to
^  become informed about the application process.
BioSoc ran a unique event this year - a
Blood Drive with a number of UBC students donating their blood to the Red
Cross. Apparently there was a bit of
woozyness and a malaria scare at the clinic but in the end some blood was transferred from several students to the blood
bank. Good job!
The Math Club's Movie Night featured
'The Matrix: Reloaded' and was enthusiastically attended. The popcorn, drinks and
pizza were enjoyed by all!
Unfortunately the Astronomy Club
Observing Night was rained out - but look
for another chance to view the stars soon!
FYC ran a successful BBQ (as per their
usual great work!) and raised money for
the official Science Week charity, Science
World's Super Science Club!
Science Olympics was taken to an entirely new level of greatness this year!
Watching the coordination of teams
during the giant ski race was rather
entertaining.  Some notable participants included the Lab Rat as well as a
team composed entirely of staff and
faculty from the Faculty of Science and
the Science Advising Office. Congrats to
the UCS team who took home top honours.
COLD FUSION WAS A GREAT SUCCESS. Dakona put on an amazing opening
show and Crowned King closed it out with
a bang. These are two great bands on the
rise. If you missed out this year, you'll definitely want to check out what Cold Fusion
has in store for next year.
Kristin, Science Olympics
Goddess, announces during
the Big Event!
Some Donors from BioSoc's Blood Drive!
Thanks to all the Science Week Volunteers!
Alan Warkentin, Amarjot Sajan, Amrit Dhaliwal, Anderson Chang, Andrea Ramirez, Andres Ruberg, Andrew Thamboo, Anita Sham, Anna-Marie Bueno, Brad Pyke,
Chelsea Woo, Chris Baitz, Cindy Nguyen, Cindy Yung, Connie Kim, Courtney Campbell, Dan Yokom, Daniel Lau, Dennis Yoo, Derek Liu, Edward Cheung, Francis
Moon, Gabe Hung, Gina Eom, Hedy Lam, Hidy Cheung, Jack Chou, Jackie Wan, Jasmeet Jaggi, Jazmine Shannon, Jeff Gong, Jenny Lee, Jeremy Moses, Jonathan
Lam, Justine Chan, Kat Scotton, Ken MacKeay , Ken Ng, Kewan Aboulhosn, Kim Louie, Kiran Bisra, Kristin Lyons, Lana Rupp, Lily Lin, Lisa Fray, Lisa Liang, Made-
laine Wiese, Mandeep Jaggi, Mariko Welch, Meghan Ho, Melanie Phillips, Michelle Wang, Mike Long, Neha Bangar, Patricia Lau, Purdy Lee, Ravi Varshney, Reka
Pataky, Ryan Shannon, Sarah Ballard, Serena Siow, Shima , Tammy Mui, Terence Yung, Valerie Colbourne and Vanessa Ho.
My apologies if you volunteered and were accidently missed, we still love you and thank you, plus, you can beat up Patricia Lau.
Thanks to the Science Week Sponsors!
*Major Sponsors: Celator, The Princeton Review, Kaplan, Atlantis       *Gold Sponsor: Coke        *Silver Sponsors: Aventis Pasteur,
Office of the VP  Students of UBC     *Copper Level: VanCity      *Zinc Level: Science World, Vancouver Art Gallery, BC Lions,
Roger's Video,  UBC Bookstore, Bazaar Novelty AMS Food & Beverage, Purdy's Chocolates, Banyen Books & Sound, Blockbusters, Safeway, UBC Museum of Anthropology & Red Robin
1320 richards street 10 February 2004
Page Five
Second Childhood's Toys
Jo Krack
Playtime Friend
Since this is The 432's special Valentine's issue, I thought I'd do my readers out there a favour and write a
guide to the best Valentine's gifts ever: sex
toys. Girls: Why give him silk boxer shorts
with hearts on them when you could be
strapping a cockring on him and riding
him raw? Guys: Why give her flowers and
stuffed animals when you could be giving
her a dildo shaped to resemble her astrological sign (also gets you bonus points for
knowing her birthdate)? I'm still heavily in
favour of giving/receiving chocolate, no
matter what the occasion (hell, I don't even
need an occasion!), and fine dining is also
much appreciated, but you just can't have
ho-hum vanilla sex on Valentine's. Think
of it as a day to expand your boundaries a
bit. And what better place to start than a
blindfold, some heavy-duty-yet-comfortable restraints, and
a vibrator or two?
Lube. I don't care
how wet you/your
girl gets, wetter is
always better. And
if you're venturing
into anal sex, don't
even think about
not using lube.
Whatever you're getting up to, look for a
lube that is water- or silicone-based: these
are condom-safe. (Note: you can't use silicone-based lubes with silicone sex toys: the
lube will stick to the toy.) Anyway, go to a
sex store (I will be recommending my
fave—Womyns' Ware—throughout this
article, because I respect and trust them)
and ask about their lubes. They usually
have little testers and you can try rubbing
a bit between your fingers. What you're
looking for is something that glides nicely
and doesn't dry up. My personal recommendation is O'My: it's odourless, practically tasteless, and lasts a long time. Plus, if
it starts to get a little sticky, all you need to
do is add a little water to re-moisten it. I
don't recommend "Wet!" because it
stained my sheets, didn't last that long, and
smelled strongly (I don't care if it's lavender-scented, I don't want my bed reeking
of it!).
Restraints. If you've taken judo or karate,
or are dating someone who has, those belts
(obi) work wonderfully to tie your partner
up. You want something that's not going to
leave rope burns or cut into your partner's
skin too much, but will hold knots. Handcuffs are rather painful unless you get the
furry kind. I've seen velcro bedsheets that
come with a set of velcro cuffs; I thought it
seemed rather expensive and your partner
might be strong enough to rip free, but if
anyone out there has tried it, let me know.
If you're going to be tying anyone up,
remember that you should never leave
them alone if they're restrained, and you
should probably give them a break after
about 20 minutes. I find restraints work
best in combination with a blindfold, at
least at first.
Vibrators. Vibes are things made to
vibrate for your lovin' pleasure. No matter
how hard you or your lover tries, you will
not be able to match one of these puppies
The AMS and Josh "Babyclubber" Bowman present:
Clubs Days 2004
Catch The Show Before
PETA Catches Us!
Mini Pearl
for speed, even if you're having a seizure.
A bullet vibe, such as the Mini Pearl, is
usually recommended as a "starter" vibe:
these vibrators are small oblong "bullets"
with a wire attaching
them to a controller. They
usually have
speeds, so
you can
increase or
the speed
of vibration
as needed.
Those with
different settings (such as
"pulse") are a
helluva lotta fun.
Bullet vibes will usually run you around $25, and sometimes
you can insert them into dildos or pouches
attached to cockrings for an extra buzz.
Womyns'Ware developed a silicone dildo
called Clit Lane that can be used with a
bullet vibe. (The main selling point of Clit
Lane is that it has a nubby pad positioned
to massage the clit... this feature is definitely enhanced if used with a vibrator!)
Dildos. Dildos are phallus-shaped toys
meant for penetration; some look quite
realistic and others are more whimsical
and could pass for modern art. Some contain motors and vibrate/move, others can
fit over a vibrator, and still others are strictly human-powered. Most can be fit into
special harnesses (often called "strap-
ons"). Strapping one on is recommended
for the girl who wants to feel what it's like
to be the penetrator rather than the pene-
tratee, or for the man who needs a little
help. Do not skimp when it comes to buying a dildo: many stores will sell you cheap
rubber, jelly, or soft vinyl ones which are
actually dangerous because they have been
found to break down (do you really want
pieces of your dildo rubbing off during
use?) and off-gas chemicals and toxins.
Don't trust anything that calls itself "cyber-
skin," either.
Your safe choices for dildos are hard plastic, latex, and silicone. Silicone, while
expensive, is the best buy, because it's
hypo allergenic, firm yet flexible, good at
conducting vibration, easy to clean, warms
to body temperature but
can also be
chilled in the
fridge, and is
n     o
absorbent  (if
of   all
you could be
sticking it —
now think
whether you
want your dildo to harbour smells or bacteria from those places). When choosing a
dildo, you need to know what you're looking for: do you want it to be curved to hit
your g-spot? Do you prefer a stiffer dildo
or a more flexible one? How thick do you
want it? How long? (Hint: If you don't like
having your cervix bumped during sex, go
for a model 6" or under.) And of course, do
you want it to look like The Real Thing, or
would you prefer it semi-realistic but
ribbed for your pleasure, or would you just
prefer a whale? (I'm not making that up;
you can get a whale-shaped dildo for
$99.85 at Womyns'Ware. Dolphins are also
available. Predictably, the whale's bigger.)
If you're interested in combining vibration
and penetration (and hey, who isn't?), get
Rabbit Pearl
thee down to Womyns'Ware and ask to see
the Rabbit Pearl. It's a vibrating dildo with
a little rabbit-shaped bump attached to its
base: those ears are meant to do a pleasant
little number on the clit.  OK,  so  that
explains the "rabbit" part, but what about
the pearls? The pearls are in the shaft, and
as the shaft rotates, the pearls roll around
Add  in  a
so you can
adjust the
and   how
can     you
say      no?
find cheap
of the
Pearl,        but
steer away from those if you're not all that
fond  of cheap  material  breaking  down
inside your body. The real deal will put a
dent in your wallet to the tune of $130 plus
tax... so bring your parent's credit card, eh?
Cockrings. Cockrings look scary to many
guys, and you'll probably want to start out
with adjustable ones so that you don't have
to worry about anything getting "stuck."
After all, this is your life, not an American
Pie movie. The bonus with cockrings is that
they trap the blood in the penis, which
means your stud stays harder longer.
Attach them to the base of the penis,
behind the balls.
The awesome
thing about
cockrings is
that you
can get
ones with
has even
one with a
vibrating "pad"
that massages the clit
during sex. For something a little lower-
tech but still orgasmic, try the Clit Berry: a
silicone berry-shaped attachment that you
slip onto the cockring so that it provides
pleasant clitoral stimulation during sex.
Note to girls: always keep the Clit Berry at
your place, or he might keep it when you
break up and refuse to give it back because
he's a cheap bastard, and you might get all
There's so much more... whips, anal
beads, nipple clamps, to name a few... but
I've given you enough to get you started
and now you're going to have to continue
the Voyage of Discovery on your own (or,
even better, with a partner or two!). Oh,
and don't let me forget my standard disclaimer: sex toys are about having fun with
sex; they are not necessary for great sex,
nor do they guarantee it. Having said that,
go talk to the nice womyn at Womyns'Ware (located at 896 Commercial Drive,
near Venables), or if you're too chicken,
check it all out online first: www.womyn-
sware.com. As always, you can comment
on this article or ask me to take you "shopping" by emailing me: gimmekrack@hot-
Clit Berry
And let's not
forget the Baby
Jesus butt plug! Page Six
10 February 2004
Beaker I
Beaker III
Friday February 13 4 to 8pm
Outside between Chemistry A-Wing
and Hebb Iheater
Live DJ a Free Snacks
Brouihtto you by the Uaderiraduate Chemistry Society
A hot cup of coffee.
Maybe something stronger.
All your friends.
Live music.
Gigantic, coloured vaginas?
V-week coffee house:
Feb 26th, at the Gallery.
1. Your crush presents you with a
single red rose. You:
(a) Melt into a puddle of goo.
(b) Ask where the rest of the
roses are.
(c) Sleep with him.
(d) Stab him with the thorns.
Repeatedly. While yelling
2. A cute guy in your class asks
to borrow your notes. You:
(a) Agree to trade them for a coffee date.
(b) Agree, but expect him to hack
the registrar's office and change
your grades in return.
(c) Sleep with him.
(d) Beat him over the head with
your binder for even asking.
3. Your boyfriend is often late for
your dates. You:
(a) Compliment him for being so
laid-back. That's so in this year!
(b) Get him back by withholding
sex until he writes a full apology...
on you... with his tongue.
(c) Sleep with him.
(d) Use the extra time to sleep
with his best friend.
4. It's the day before Valentine's
and your boyfriend has not made
any plans with you yet. You:
(a) Get all excited: they must be
SECRET plans, and you're going
to get the best surprise EVER!
(b) Stalk him to see if you have to
"eliminate" any "competition."
(c) Sleep with him.
(d) Swallow your pride, ask him
out, tell him you want to swallow
something else too, then BITE IT
5. Your typical first date includes:
(a) Dinner and a movie.
(b) A contract.
(c) Sleeping with him.
(d) Restraints.
1. A hot girl asks you to dance.
(a) Sweep her off her feet (thanks
for the dance lessons, mom!).
(b) Agree — never pass up a free
groping opportunity!
(c) Sleep with her.
(d) Tell her you evaluate dates on
a basis of Hot or Not... and she's
2. Your girlfriend wants to see a
chick flick with you. You:
(a) Bring Kleenex for her.
(b) Whisper wisecracking commentary throughout the movie.
(c) Sleep with her.
(d) Agree, but only if she'll let you
finger her during the boring parts.
3. Your girlfriend tells you that
you two "need to talk." You:
(a) Listen carefully and only say
stuff cribbed from a Mars and
Venus book.
(b) Suggest having the talk at a
restaurant so you can make a big
(c) Sleep with her.
(d) Agree and bring along a pie
chart of her faults and imperfections.
4. Your girlfriend is waiting til
marriage. You:
(a) Agree to respect her... then
(b) Propose: you can always get a
divorce, right?
(c) Sleep with her.
(d) Convince her that eatin' ain't
5. Your girlfriend asks if she looks
fat. Yo|T7
(a) Say no.
(b) Suggest she hand over the ice
cream bar and hit the gym.
(c) Sleep with her.
(d) Point out that it's her genes'
fault anyway; after all, her mom's
a fat cow.
If you answered mostly A's;
Kill yourself now. It'll save you on
therapy later.
If you answered mostly B's:
I understand where you're coming from, but I still hate you.
If you answered mostly C's:
Seems like you've got your priorities straight. See a doctor.
If you answered mostly D's:
We should talk. I think I'd like
If you answered mostly A's:
The kids aren't yours; your house
won't be for much longer.
If you answered mostly B's:
The kid is likely yours. He'll be
your intellectual equal before he
hits the sixth grade.
If you answered mostly C's:
Are you free later?
If you answered mostly D's:
We dated. You never called. I will
make you feel pain. 10 February 2004
Page Seven
The Musky Drawers of SUS
Patricia Lau
VP External
It's over, it's done! So Science Week has
come and gone and I hope all of you
had a chance to check out some of the
great events that went on! Read the sum up
of the week in the 432 somewhere... I tried
to attend as many of the events as possible
and thought that they all turned out very
well! I'm extremely happy with how the
week worked out and am grateful for all
the help and support I received. The success of this week was most definitely a
group effort!!!
donated their time and
helped     make     this
week   an   absolute
success that many
people   from   all
over        campus
enjoyed.  Thank
you     to     my
entire Science
Week     committee    who
spent countless     hours
working  on
aspect      of
Week. You
all are awesome    and
so great to
Now        to
thank   some
of my  right-
hand   people
(who  put  up
with my stress
prior    to     and
during the week)
as well as many of
the execs who provided  lots  of support... Thanks to Mike
Long  for  all  his  hard
work preparing and being
in charge of several events
and then being my go to guy
throughout the week, Reka Pataky
for all her work with promotions and sales,
Neha Bangar for her sponsorship work
support,  Kristin Lyons for  all her hard
work with Science Olympics which was
Gina Eom
awesome (if you didn't come you missed
out!), Lana Rupp for designing our wonderful poster, and the execs who helped
with take down and set up! Thanks also to
Dan Yokom for his advice and wisdom
(which comes from being 'older') and for
his work on promotions. Anna-Marie did
an awesome job with Cold Fusion (I
thought the bands were awesome!) so next
time you see her, pat (pat) her on the back!
Also thank you to the many other people
(you know who you are) who were
always there whenever I had
last minute things to do or
random small tasks to
complete. You were life-
savers and I really
appreciated the support! I wish I could
name you all... oh
wait, I can, check
out another page
of the 432! I hope
you all enjoyed
your time
working on
this fantastic
event and I
hope you'll
all be back
next year for
round of fun!
Thanks    also
go out to the
LAB        RAT
who     turned
up at many of
the events and
proved to be a
great source of
charisma,  entertainment and fun!
Okay   so   I   hope
everyone    enjoyed
the adventurous ride
that was Science Week
2004! Hold your breath
for   Science   Week   next
year and watch out for some
great events and more fantastic people organizing them! Any
comments, questions or suggestions (I
would love any kind of feedback) pertaining to Science Week can be directed to me
at pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca.
Serena Siow
So once again, science week surpassed all expectations due to the
dedication and hardwork by the Science
Week committee (chaired by our dearest
pat-pat). I was glad to see almost everybody on council take part in some way, be
it through the planning and promoting of
academic, social, or club events. Our
efforts and faculty pride were observed
even by some of those Arts students, who
told me how great fun it was to participate
in some of our events. Cold Fusion was
undoubtedly a blast and a half due to the
efforts of AM ... (and her social committee). Despite all the stress, tension, and
anxiety, AM and PattyPat have been so
instrumental in ensuring Science Week
success. Chocolates and kisses to you both!
Now that Science Week is over, Code &
Policy can now concentrate on making
changes to the constitution. We've been
discussing over email (for the most part)
potential motions to bring forth to council,
to be implemented before the Executive
Elections in March. Our next meeting is 12
February (Thursday) at 5pm in SUS. I
want to thank Lana and Reka on this committee who so far have contributed significantly, in terms of attendence at all meetings and email-participation. Alas, I would
give you girls chocolates (or other
food...mmm...food)...if only I had a budget
(or any bookstore purchasing authority for
that matter "'ahem*).
Can you see how obsessed I am with
food? Diet what? This past little while has
been filled with sus-induced stress. I probably could not continue to be involved
without help from some instrumental peoples. To my "twin" GE, for those late night
pseudo-msn emails, her sweetness (literally), and encouragement. To HL (I luff HY
club!), whose devotion to SUS despite her
failing health was really quite inspirational, and for being more than any friend
could ask for. And last, but never least,
AM, whom I love to death, quite simply
said. Feel the love? Yeah, that's right,
Valentine's is approaching, love is in the
air. (breathe.."'respiratory*) hehe.J'm OUT!
VP External
Midterm season of Term 2 is in full
swing, and with it the upcoming
SUS Spring elections! Have you
always wanted to be an executive of a large
representative body? Well here's your
chance. Grab a nomination form from the
SUS lounge (LSK 202) or cut one out from
this issue. The opening positions will be
for the 2004/2005 year. As an executive
member, you will be required to fulfill the
tasks outlined in the constitution (check
them out at www.sus.ubc.ca) - as well as
other exec duties. It is a big commitment,
but a rewarding one if you put in the time
and effort. If you have any questions - do
not hesitate to ask Kristin Lyons, who will
be your elections administrator
(kristin_lyons@hotmail.com). This is also
not your only chance to get involved with
SUS - if you don't make it in the spring
elections - there's always another one in
October for non executive positions!!!
Also, the SUS award deadlines have been
pushed back to the 23rd of February - the
returning Monday after a much needed
reading break.
Thanks to the First Year Committee which
organized an awesome barbeque, a wonderful Beyond First Year, and is always so
enthusiastic and reliable, even if we have
to compromise sometimes with bookings
and such.
Kristin Lyons
Director of Sports
Well, first of all, I would like to congratulate all you science students
who have put teams together
because Science is again first in the intramural sports points standings on campus.
To stay there, though, we'll have to stay in
front of Totem who are extremely close to
us. To do this, we will have to get as many
science teams out there as possible in the
upcoming intramural events.
These include the UBC Triathlon and
Duathlon and the famous Storm the Wall
Lana Rupp
D. of Publications
Greetings well-wishers! This year's
Publications schedule is drawing to
a close. There are only two more
issues left so those hoping to get the coveted (and free) 432 shirts must act now!
Remember, all it takes are three submissions of any kind, so editing help or sleeping with the editor (not your best bet). The
next 432 deadline is after the reading break
on the 4th of March. The next writer's
meeting is March 2nd in the Interfaculty
Publishing Office (basement of SUB).
Also, my term or 'reign of terror' as Director of Publications is coming to an end
soon. This means we need fresh blood!
event. Also, volunteers and as well as paid
route 'patrollers' will be needed for both of
these events so if you are interested in
helping out, please visit the SRC for
details! In addition, Storm the Cage will
again be held this year with a trip for two
to Europe as a winning prize. Visit the SRC
or www.legacygames.ubc.ca for more
details! As for term two sports rebates,
please hand in your team rosters, receipts,
and the name, phone number, and email
address of the person who I am to write the
rebate to into my box in SUS! The deadline
for rebates will be Thursday, March 25th
with no exceptions. Good luck in all your
leagues and events!
Run for this position! Come on out and
become an editor! You don't have to do
both and either position is a tremendous
way to get free booze, hot members of the
opposite sex (note: depends of perception
of hotness) and to learn valuable skills and
gain experience that will elevate you in the
eyes of any employer. If you are interested
in becoming Director of Publications and
you want more information about the position please feel free to contact me at any
time at lerupp@interchange.ubc.ca and
also see the nomination form on the back
of this issue. If you'd like to edit and you
want to learn a bit about the IFPO, the programs and get a little practice in, also feel
free to contact me, as I would love to help.
Anyhow, keep on sending in submissions
and feedback to the432@hotmail.com.
Chris Zappavigna
Hello fellow science students. Good
news: the exam hardship policy
passed through the committee
level at senate with few problems. In fact,
most of the faculty on this committee were
in support of it! In addition to this, the
AMS   council   unanimously   passed   a
motion to support the exam hardship revision. This is great news as we need as
much support as possible on this one!
On a more personal note, I must say I had
a good time this past science week. I hope
all of you did as well. Of particular interest
was the jello wrestling, as I maintained my
third place finish from a year ago. I guess
it's fair to say that I just don't have what it
takes to be a jello champ. Those commerce
girls, well, that's another story...
Cant carry everything around campus?
Bought too many groceries and cant get them all home?
SS a CanCarfl
The CanCart is a great multi-purpose tool that car be used as a bike cart and a
handcart. This program is FREE lo the UBC community and is part of the U-PASS
Package (but not exclusive to students). CanCarts can be used both on and off campus
and can be borrowed up to 3 days! For a complete list of the 18 on-campus locations,
please refer to our website at www,trek,ubc,ca (go to Programs and then to CanCart
inpnvii! yur traupirtatiii
* <uv w .lr«k.ubc.co
For more information on this program
or any transportation initiatives, please
contact the UBC TREK Program
Centre, 2210 West Mall.
Tel, (604) 822-4016 (re: CanCart) or
(604) B27-TREK Page Eight
10 February 2004
You Damn Kids!
Andy Martin
Your Elder
Through most of my life, I have had
the ever-present gaze of my elders
upon me, criticizing every act, word,
excretion...pretty much everything I've
ever done.
And I never wanted to become that...I
wanted to be permanently cool. I never
thought I had to do anything conscious to
avoid it. I could just keep myself open to
everything that developed in the world,
and learn to accept everything. I definitely
wouldn't like everything, but I would
accept the change as my age increased and
the 'kids' got younger and younger.
But that all changed last weekend.
Last weekend, I went to a hardcore metal
show, largely due to the persuasion of a
friend. We went to see a 'math metal' band,
the Dillinger Escape Plan. I had never
heard of them before, but was told that
both the music and the lyrics mostly
revolved around math equations. That
sold me. Nothing like packaging the geek
with the cool.
I had my doubts. I am not a fan of 'hardcore'. When it's done well, I do like it.
When it's done well.. .which it never is.
Hardcore requires a massive amount of
skill and energy to be able to play amazingly fast and completely in time with
other musicians, or alternately, be able to
make a powerful, huge vocal noise and
shoot out lyrics at a similarly break-neck
speed. You take this great skill, join with
several other musicians who have
pain-stakingly developed this skill, and
proceed to invest your time in creating a
product that is hardly music anymore, but
sounds like a Taun-taun being electrocuted
in a collapsing library, but faster. It's fast,
it's powerful, it's loud, and it's very irritating.
Anyways, during the show, two bands
impressed me, three made me want to
extract my auditory nerves. It would have
been a decent night, if not for two factors.
First off, the venue had recently lost its
liquor license. They had a bar, they even
had taps, but the taps were barren, and the
people who should have been bartenders
were selling chocolate bars and Red Bull.
As such, it enabled more of the younger
folk in to see this show, which enabled the
second observation: the young crowd. I've
done my share of time in the thick of the
pit at great metal shows, and I love nothing
more than getting sweaty at a concert.
Heck, my neck was still sore and my ears
still ringing from a Maiden concert just
days earlier. Nevertheless, this blew me
It seems the best way to enjoy hardcore
music is to stand in place and swing one's
fists in a vertical circular motion (a move
called the 'pinwheel'), broken only by the
occasional roundhouse kick. It's comparable to a 10-year-old animated character
saying 'I'm just going to swing my fists
around, and if you happen to get hit, it's
your own fault'. By the time the headliner
came on, half of the floor was nothing but
flying fists. Sure, not everyone was doing
it. Some people were getting a running
start before hurling themselves elbow-first
towards the nearest person, and a few
were adding in the 'picking up change'
move, where one bends over as if picking
up something (like change), then quickly
swings their hands backwards, aiming for
whatever jaw may be there.
The idiocy of the crowd detracted from
the show. And not just in some sort of
'they're such jerks, they're making such
fools of themselves' old person kind of
whine, but in a 'must keep my head up at
all times, because no matter where in the
room I am, I run the risk of having some ill-
advised-non-abortion charging at me, trying to unleash their ever-so horrid angsti-
ty-angst in my direction'.
[Side story: One of the last bands came on
in bug costumes and proceeded to assault
my senses with some of the stupidest
music and vocals ever created. There were
no lyrics, only 'awgaadee-sneekur-owwiii'
repeated over and over, sometimes accompanied by backup singers, broken only by
letting an effect on a keyboard ring for 2
minutes. Qn my drive home, a DJ at the
local pirate radio station had just come
from the concert and told the audience to
pick up everything they could from the
same band, because their show was '30
minutes of pure insanity', but his tone of
voice told me that he wasn't being sarcastic]
I realize that these are a select few, and
that I shouldn't be painting everyone age
25 and down with my 'suck' brush. But the
examples just get worse.
Not three weeks beforehand, I had a
chance to return to UBC, and was around
for a beer gardening night, my first chance
to do so in two years. I headed straight to
Arts 200, and found it barren. Then word
reached me of a Ski Club garden in SUB.
Ski Club, who would throw the biggest
damn parties...I took off, images of passing out on the SUB Ballroom floor in someone else's vomit dancing in my head.
So I arrived at the SUB, went upstairs, and
found about 30 people crammed into one
of the meeting rooms. I was perplexed, as
the Ballroom was empty, and yet, they put
us in here. I came in and they asked for ID
before charging cover. Wow, cover, hardly
see that anymore. So I entered, expecting
that the cover would finance a band or
cheap brews. Instead, there was a loud PA
system blasting eclectic and irritating hip
hop music, and the standard $2 beer prices.
Huh? I grabbed tickets, which were
exchangeable only for Kokannee in small
plastic cups. Huh? And it was to be the
only beer garden that night. Huh?
I took my beer and sat with a few other
alum. We drank and exchanged our usual
witty banter, albeit yelled witty banter
over the irksome urban music.
Near the end of our first beer and realizing that social interactions were lacking,
largely due to the inability to hear anything over the background music [Note to
all event coordinators, present and future:
if it's background music, it should stay in
the background, and not be inhibiting conversation], we decided that we'd rather
pay full price for booze, slammed the
remainder and headed for boozier and less
irritating pastures.
Qn the way out, it was remarked that if
we went down to Tower Beach, there
would probably be a boat waiting to take
us to the undying lands.
It wasn't as if we weren't accepting that
this is how things are, we just realized that
how thing are suck big time. I was willing
to chalk it up to the slow decay of the party
at UBC. Fewer and shorter booze nights,
less dangerous and less zany stunts. Fer-
chissakes, the Science team was once disqualified from Chariot races for throwing
acid, the Engineers once faked burying the
AMS president alive.
Later I wandered downstairs for a long
denied culinary delight: a chili burger. I
found out that the Pit no longer sells curly
What kind of fucked up world do we live
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