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The 432 Mar 2, 2006

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2nd March 2006
j-   «-^»
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to prosper.'
-Benjamin Franklin
Hype Surrounds New
iPod Product
-Saint Louis, AP
The scrutiny of the portable music industry and multiple human rights agencies has once again turned to
Apple. Amidst rampant rumours and speculation
circulating the internet, Apple has thus far released few
details regarding its newest developmental release to the
portable music sector.
In a press conference Saturday, Steve Jobs hinted at a
vastly improved player capacity in the "Three to 1,000 terabyte range," with a "highly evolved biochemical energy
system that far exceeds the primitive lithium ion batteries
of the current generation...
With the release of this product, all of the other companies that are marketing these so-called 'iPod killers' will be
out of business, since anybody who follows through
would be committing a felony under US and Canadian
law. In fact, even threatening to release an 'iPod killer'
could land any offending company in jail.
Jobs also alluded to the media upload process as "the
most innovative feature yet, with an 'always-on' interface
that forms roaming ad-hoc networks with any system that
has adequate signal strength in the 20Hz-20KHz range."
In an unexpected move, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has wholeheartedly endorsed the
product due to its purported ability to preferentially play
back catchy jingles and Top 40 hits. However, RIAA has
continued to reserve its right to sue the iPod player and its
owner for any intellectual property infringement.
Dubbed the iPod Sapien, a brief specification sheet shows
that the average weight of the player would be between
168-183 lb, with heavier models sporting increased continuous playback duration, offsetting lower lifespan and
higher risk of sudden failure. Other notable features
include a regeneration system for physical damage, self-
locomotion, and a premium 'chauffeur' option.
Features in development such as 'generate monetary
income' currently face substantial licensing issues with the
federal government. Later releases will support quasi-
video playback, with scenes of extreme sexuality, violence
and explosions replaced with mimed equivalents.
Despite the use of non-swappable skins, Apple offers a
wide variety of branded 'clothes' that can be used to customize the Sapien. The Sapien appears to be the most
advanced portable entertainment system ever slated for
commercial release.
Initial reviews leaked to the internet were far less glowing. Reports point to inconsistent playback times ranging
from a few hours up to 72 continuous hours. Playback was
reported to be spotty, rife with tonal errors, difficulty playing songs with vocals in a certain gender, or issues with
reproduction of extremely high/low frequencies.
Players tended to die a slow death with skipping, static,
and playback errors that increased in frequency until ultimately crashing. One tester reportedly said, "At one point
she, I mean the Sapien, just kept repeating the chorus to
'Crazy Train.' Everybody knows that 'Crazy Train' is the
best song ever, but the Sapien just kept looping until I initiated a hard reboot."
Beta players also suffered through very slow charge times
on the scale of two hours of standby/sleep for every hour
of use. Testers also complained about the unpredictable
firmware, which did not permit downgrading and often
did not support multiple languages.
More disturbing rumours also point to the possibility of
pre-installed rootkits that could threaten the physical
integrity of nearby non-Apple devices as well as any other
easily-negotiable assets. However, Apple remains optimistic that the product will keep the company in a dominant industry position using "19th century smarts applied
to 21st century sensibilities."
Jobs declined to comment on Apple's recent material
acquisitions in third world countries. The release date and
price of the iPod Sapien has not yet been set.
Due to the alarming inability of couples to keep their
hands off one another in classes, UBC is planning
a new course that will be a requirement for all first
year students. The new course will be titled "Dr. Relationship" or "How.I learned to keep my hands off my girlfriend and love the prof".
Professors across all faculties are applauding the new
course. Said Physics prof Barney Glotz, "It is so distracting
to see a couple in my class whispering and giggling. If
they were if they were being a more entertaining I wouldn't mind so much, but as is they are only distracting everyone without providing any real entertainment.
Included in the course will be a mandatory "Dance Lab".
It was brought to the university administration's attention
that many UBC students, especially those of a certain
pasty complexion and masculine gender, have a lack of
dance skills. The lab will be held on Friday and Saturday
nights at the Pit.
Dance styles to be taught in the lab component include
salsa, swing, and break dancing. Line dancing was included in the original syllabus, but was removed when organizers remembered that they were trying to increase the
quality of dance around campus, not decrease it. It was
also feared that an associated decrease in fashion sense
would accompany the line dancing section as students
seize the opportunity to pull out cowboy paraphernalia.
With the recent "thong above pants" trend recently
quenched and ugg boots still relatively popular, authorities are unwilling to do anything that would encourage
similarly heinous fashion trends.
Government officals are encouraging the course as they
feel it will be a good way to boost the low birth rates that
Canada has seen in recent years. Premier Gordon Campbell is convinced that a return to old fashioned wooing
techniques is just what the doctor ordered to get British
Columbians to keep maintaining the population size.
POING; Page Two
2nd March 2006
Volume Nineteen
Issue Nine
2 March 2006
Colleen Atherton
Jon Lam
Lik Hang Lee
Dan Anderson
Chris Baitz
Lois Chan
Nicholas Gurewitch
Andrew Pare
Andrew Provan
Marlon Richmond
Martin Sing
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is produced by the students of the Science Undergraduate
Society in the depths of the IFPO. All
views expressed in this rag are
strictly those of the individual writers, and as such are not the responsibility of The 432, The Science
Undergraduate Society, or the Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit their
material to fhe 432. Submissions
must make the editor chuckle at
least thrice, and must contain the
author's name and contact information.
Contact us at: the432@gmail.com,
don't be too nice or we won't take
you seriously.
The Joy of Flem
Not to be confused with the Joy of Cooking
Colleen Atherton
Reading Week
A time for fun, travel, and relaxation,
unless you are me. Whilst the rest of you
were out gallivanting, or at least catching
up on all the homework you had neglected, I was making out with dummies. No,
you sick bastard, I wasn't taking advantage
of those with lower intelligence, it was a
first aid course! Oh, the joys of CPR.
My body has finally rebelled against my
drunken, sleep deprived existence and my
lungs have decided to wage a war of independence against my body. Usually my
immune system manages to be a fairly
good negotiator and reconcile the differences between myself and my organs.
Unfortunately, as part of the hostile action,
my lungs kidnapped and murdered my
immune system and have been unwilling
to come to any negotiations. Offerings of
more sleep, less alcohol, and cold medication have been repeatedly rejected by my
lungs. I would be glad to grant my lungs
sovereignty, but as they perform an essential service, I can afford to let them go as
much as Canada can afford to let Quebec
While at my folk's house over reading
break, I was able to come home to a clean
house every night. It wasn't until I got back
to Rez that I realized how nice that really
is. I never thought this day would come,
but people, I might finally be ready to
move off campus after three fabulous
years. To not have to clean up crumbs, or
find dirty dishes in the sink, or hair clogging the drain in the shower... oh joy! Oh
rapture! Alas, perhaps I'm just trying to
console myself for not getting into Rez
again for next year, *tear*. I thought the
creation of the Marine Drive Tower was
supposed to solve this housing crunch.
He]Ts Angels
Andrew Provan
Heaven's Devil
The infamous international biker gang
Hell's Angels announced yesterday
a stringent and somewhat radical
plan to effectively reduce greenhouse gas
emissions within the organization. The
announcement comes amid recent heavy
criticism of biker gangs by the United
Nations Climate Change Committee. The
committee released a report last month
listing the Hell's Angels as a major contributor of carbon dioxide to the already-suffering atmosphere. Carbon dioxide, as has
been well publicized in the last few years,
is the main culprit of global warming
because it traps heat inside the Earth's
And the source of Hell's Angels' noticeably exorbitant gas production? The classic
Harley-Davidson motorcycles, stereotypical of biker gangs worldwide and revered
by all who claim to have an interest in the
subject. The stifling popularity and apparent importance of these motorcycles to the
testosterone-driven ego of these men
makes the plan, which involves phasing
out the Harley-Davidson for a more eco-
conscious tricycle, slightly surprising.
Hell's Angels spokesman Jerry "The Extortionist" Sampson said, "We plan to phase
out the motorcycle over the next three
years, thereby effectively reducing our carbon dioxide emissions by 100%."
The tricycle model of choice for the organization will be the Fisher Price Ready-
Steady Ride On. Sampson commented on
the selection: "It's a basic model, but it
scores top marks in stability and control,
and has good horsepower if you peddle
hard. Many of our members are new to the
tricycle, so we felt the Ride On was a good
place to start." Sampson also mentioned
the possibility of upgrades to the model:
"We can also add Power Wheels for the
extra bad-asses who have mastered the
vehicle and feel they can handle a motorized five-mile-an-hour rush. Keep in mind
the Power Wheels are electric and do not
harm the environment."
And more options exist down the line for
these valiant climate lovers. More lavish
and, needless to say, expensive models are
available should the gang indulge: Super
Talk Barbie Sun Jammer, Jeep Aftershock,
Kawasaki Guide 'n' Drive Cycle and the
Jeep Jr. Toddler, to name just a few.
However, global warming was not the
We NEED patches!!
The Science Jacket initiative has gotten off to a fabulous start. We sold
over 70 jackets within a week of starting this project. BUT we are not
finished yet. We need to get some sweet patches for these jackets.
This is where YOU come in. We are looking for people to submit wonderfully fantastic designs for patches for these jackets. Some of the
types of patches we are looking for are: department, clubs, council,
science sports, hacks, editors, and other such things. If you think you
have a cool design or another idea for some group that needs a patch
for the jackets please contact Mike at pro.sus@gmail.com
only incentive for Hell's Angels to make
the switch from bike to trike. As Sampson
brought to light, the increasing obesity rate
within the organization has been of concern for some time. The matter was thrown
into the spotlight last year when, at the
Hell's Angels convention in Las Vegas, 32
percent of the attendees were unable to fit
through the hotel door.
After a popular vote among members, it
was decided that cutting down on fast
food was not an option, except at McDonald's on Fridays when the special meal is
Filet-o-Fish. Sampson commented: "There
was another option: liposuction! Unfortunately, however, most of our members do
not have health insurance, so we settled for
an exercise regime instead. We discovered
that the tricycle, while quite relaxing going
downhill, provides a strenuous workout
going uphill. We'll be watching the fatness
of our members with great anticipation as
we bring in this physically demanding
Hell's Angels: villains intent on corporate
coercion and brutal manipulation of the
media, or health-conscious friends of
God's green Earth? This reporter was
threatened to support the latter, and he
does so unequivocally.
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Ho t real s#ti stow ■« oo by nw Mimical seieicH Mdttt
MttoHeH Ktoocos mm 2449
cow $3
nmaolcousi 2nd March 2006
Page Three
Chairman Resigns As
Head of International
Blood Bank
Andrew Pare
No Apples
Scandal rocked the New York Stock
Exchange Monday, as new evidence
came to light over the recent discrepancies in the International Blood Bank
accounts. After years of heavy investment
and expansion the IBB seemed poised to
finally overtake competitors and become
the world's largest supplier of hemoglobin
and plasma related products. With the
largest budget towards R&D, high
investor confidence, and impressive quarterly growth the International Blood Bank
seemed to not only be at the top of its game
but to be inventing its own rules along the
way. This turned out to be true in more
ways than one.
In a series of fraudulent accounting
claims and corrupt distribution procedures
the IBB top executives were able to embezzle billions of pints. It has been rumored
that CEO Drako Draven personally had
stockpiles numbering in the thousands of
litres. In a bizarre turn of events Draven
agreed to cooperate fully with investigating teams if he was provided with a new
cell mate every night, with type AB- blood,
while awaiting trial. "Sure it's a little weird,
but, if it allows us to get to the bottom of
this and make sure it never happens again,
it's worth it," senior agent Smith commented. In fact most of the companies senior
executives are cooperating and claim,
"We're really enjoying this incarceration
with easy access to feed and little inquiry
into suspicious biting." Stories are emerging of the top executives rampant disregard for the company's clients and personal greed. Some insiders claim that whole
shipments of blood were re-routed to executives estates and replaced with juice, and
in some cases not even red juice.
The whole medical service provider
industry has been rocked by this scandal as
stocks across the board took a dive in
response to this week's evidence. With
financial institutions and banks withdrawing investment from this sector it looks like
tough times ahead for anyone needing O-,
B+, AB, and for that matter any kind of
medicine for the next several months. With
spreading concerns over misappropriation
from nurses, pharmacists, and witch doctors, "It's going to take a long time for people to regain the trust they had," says local
quack Richard Stanfield. CFO of Organs-
To-Go Igor Zombie was also concerned,
proclaiming, "With this scandal it just
makes it harder for the rest of us if, say, we
get hungry and need a brain at 3am."
With legislation and new restrictions
pending it looks like tough times ahead for
the little guys like Pfizer, GlaxoSmithKline,
and Wyeth as they struggle to assure
investors of accounting transparency and
honesty. Individual investors lost approximately $3 billion dollars in the recent crash
according to the US Securities and
Exchange Commission. Local man, Philip
Owens remarked, "In retrospect I should
have suspected something was up when
the yearly financial report included pictures of executives playing slip and slide
with pints of A-."
Sudoku: Constants
Marlon Richmond
Liquifaction Danger
rou know and love the number game,
well now you can have the same
frustration with constants! Each
constant must occur in each row, column
and sub-box once and only once. If you
solve it, do let us know.
Shocking Harry
Potter 7 Details
Lois Chan
I. K. Rowling, the author of the children's series Harry Potter, has confirmed that the final installment of the
ious series will be titled 'Harry Potter
. and the Academy Strikes Back.' It will contain some shocking and some not-so-surprising back-stories for the Potters. In an
exclusive interview with The 432, Rowling
has revealed some of these terrible secrets.
She was really quite giddy about her upcoming book, The Half-Blood Prince, and
even more so about the classic sci-fi films
she is openly mimicking.
"I adore George Lucas," she told The 432.
"I simply could not resist the idea of making Voldemort his father. It would be a
brilliant tribute to my favourite screenwriter of all time."
She disputed other rumours, such as
Dumbledore being either Harry or Ron
from the future, and that Aunt Petunia has
no magical abilities. But she also entertained other rumours: Hermione may have
to magically perform abortion on her child
with Ron because the Academy frowns
upon teenage pregnancy; Harry may be
castrated in a horrible broom racing accident; or that a normal twenty-year-old
dork might wake up in the middle of the
night from this cold nightmare that is the
world of Harry Potter.
Rowling is eager to tell the books' fans
that the best avenue to confirm or dispute
rumours is her official website, but she
also warned that she and the editors are
likely to be releasing "rumours" of their
own soon, as the publication of her seventh book looms.
Below is an excerpt of the manuscript that
Rowling has graciously allowed us to
show you:
Stunned, Harry slowly stood up amidst
the cheering crowd and was pushed
towards the stage. As he mounted the
stairs, Dumbledore smiled a warm smile at
him, extending the golden chalice towards
Harry's outstretched hands. He clutched at
it for a moment, and with a wild grin,
shook Dumbledore's hand before the old
man pulled him into a tight embrace. His
classmates' cheers surged.
Then something extraordinary happened.
Harry turned around and, dramatically
dropping his pants, proceeded to moon
the entire hall. The cheering halted abruptly. Knowing that he was quickly running
out of time, he hastily shoved the chalice
up his anus, then pulled it out. Without a
second thought he lifted the chalice above
his head, and threw it backwards into the
waiting hands of his classmates.
"Catch the bouquet!" he bellowed.
The interviewer is shamelessly looking
forward to the release of the books. She
also wants to thank (or blame) her IRC
posse for the excerpt suggestion.
Next Publications Meeting:
Wednesday March 8th, 4:32 pm in
Wanted: writers, cartoonists, copy
editors, expert masseuse, and
gourmet chef
£^     "^   The integrated Science Student Association Presents
^>*=ztr       The 3rd Annual Life Skills Conference
Free Registration for Science Students
Who don't know what they're gonna do
SpecxaX Speakers:
Jennifer Phelps, HSc 3:00pm-3:30pm
Director of Student Academic Services in UBC Faculty of Graduate Studies
Andy Basi, MBA, CHE, ART
"the Importance of Transferable Skills"
Assoc. Dean of Health Sciences at BCIT
Alexander D. Gouroeniouk, MD, FRCP, FAPA      4:0upm-4:30pm
Assist. Professor in Psychiatry, Pharmacology & Therapeutics Dept. at UBC
David Kg, PhD 4i45pm-5:15pm
"Teaching at the university level) science writing & journalism"
Janes Wendland, HSc, BHK, PFLC-CSEP, RK       5:15pm-5:45pm
President, Kinesiolegists.ca
Janet Anne Sinclair, 6:15pm-6:30pm
•Discover Your Passion"
Laura Winters, 6:30pm-6:45pm
Recipient of the westbrook Scholar Award
www.sciteam.ubc.ca for registration instructions
Free dinner Provided by 1
Page Four
2nd March 2006
Midgets and More
in Eight Below
Dan Anderson
Midget Lovin'
Eight Below is an action-packed
movie, a romp for everyone. Everyone, that is, who likes to watch a man
walk around with eight midgets strapped
to his legs.
While the story is a little thin - the midgets
are never explained, or even named - the
fight scenes more than make up for it. Jackie Chan may be hot, but you haven't seen
anything until you've seen a jump kick
where the kicking leg has many little fists
projecting from it. The grappling moves
alone are worth the price of admission -
who knew that midgets had such a great
strength to weight ratio?
The actor - a hitherunto unknown martial
arts expert named Jack Bologne - is whimsically fun, his French accent is almost
unnoticeable, and his lower-body strength
is phenominal. The only real problem with
the movie is the climax; while watching the
midgets tear apart a pack of feral wolves
was an interesting idea, it just wasn't executed well. The biting and flying fur
looked all too real, and children in the
audience might become afraid. But the execution was immaculate and the slow-
motion fight against his evil twin and eight
mustachioed evil midgets was inspired, so
I rate it sixteen thumbs up!
AMS What!
Patricia Lau & Chris Baitz
Totally Not Helpful!
urnover is coming!
-Patricia = Councilor of the Year
-Safewalk is being reviewed
-People dressed up
-25 students went to Victoria for Lobby
Day for Post-Secondary Education
-Executive final remarks and good-byes
This black box brought
to you by Patricia Lau
and Chris Baitz with
their lackluster AMS
December's Fantastic
Crossword Solutions
1. phi
2. squirrels
3. clocktower
4. shits
5. bedrock
6. radical beer faction
7. student
8. friction
9. black plague
10. sylvan us
11. blue jello
12. pms
13. foot in mouth
14. science social space
1. artsies
2. ha I left
3. C2H50H
4. SUS hacks
5. cheese
6. wreck beach
7. empire
8. fratboys
9. ethanol
10. fignewton
11. meatmarket
12. cold fusion
13. Sb
My Gaydar is Broken
Satrical Steve
Not Homophobic. Really.
No, really, it is. I'm serious. No, I
have not seen a doctor yet. I mean
how do you even bring that up?
What is the proper term? Is gaydar the
medical term? I'd prefer to learn the proper medical terminology before I start talking about it to an MD. Do gay people know
this? But how do I even ask any of them? I
have a hard time as it is asking my gay
friends if they're tops or bottoms. I think
I'm doing it somehow improperly because
universally they all get offended and don't
tell me. I don't mean any offence by it! I'm
just curious.
I don't want the doctor to get offended,
too. Especially if he's gay!! I mean how
would I even know - my gaydar is broken!
I'd have absolutely NO idea! The guy
could be as flaming as RuPaul covered in
lighter fluid in a bathtub full of magma,
and I would have no idea. I mean sure, I
just want some help curing my gaydar, and
he's a medical professional. But then again,
hypotheticalry, what if he was Iranian, and
I came in and started mouthing off about
how the fucking Muslims are all fucking
terrorists and I want to fucking kill them
all. Can a person really be expected to
remain professional in light of such
offence? Maybe all I needed from him was
KY jelly but would you really think less of
him if he ended up giving me Frank's Red
Hot Sauce instead? In a situation like this,
it would certainly be warranted. Luckily,
I'm not blind, so I'm safe from middle-eastern doctors. But with my gaydar out of
commission, can I really be expected not to
inadvertently offend a gay doctor? I mean,
quite frankly, I can't even trust my family
doctor. Sure, I've had him for longer than
my gaydar was busted, but I never
scanned him with it. He could be a total
butt-ranger and I wouldn't know.
I don't know when my gaydar first started
malfunctioning, but I do know it's now as
useless as my appendix. Except, I actually
want it back operational - it could save me
from a lot of embarrassing social faux pas.
We've all been there when our gaydar lets
us down: "He's WHAT? No...no way.
Come on, get real. Seriously? Wow. I had
no idea! No, really, none at all. No clue.
Wouldn't have thought that about him. Are
you sure? Okay, I guess. Wow, though."
When it happens, it is only a little annoying but recently if s been happening to me
how infuriating that shit is? How can I
function like this? How can I deal with not
knowing this about people, not having
even the slightest sense? We take our gaydar for granted, and it's hard to believe
how seriously my life is now affected. How
can I now tell who I can and can't invite to
my birthday parties? How can I pick which
guys I want on my team playing basketball? I can't. I can't even walk down Davie
Street anymore! What if I accidentally
make eye-contact with one of them? I just
hope that whatever's wrong isn't permanent. It would really suck if I needed a gaydar transplant.
I'm totally not homophobic but this does
keep me up at night. I'm afraid to sleep. I
can't even tell if my dreams are gay or just
very friendly.
UBC Circle K Volunteer Club is hosting a campus-wide
food drive for the Union Gospel Mission soup kitchen in
the Downtown Eastside. Drop off non-perishable items
from Feb 20 to Mar 3 at any location:
SUB 266, Brock Hall (south entrance), Science Advising office,
Arts Advising, International House, Engineering (Kaiser Rm
1100), Forestry (by Atrium), Land and Food Systems (GRS office,
Macmillan Rm 346), School of Music, SUS lounge (LSK 202),
Nursing Student Lounge, PSA (Kenny 2007)
if you're
happy and you
know it clap
your hands!
-if you're-	
happy and  ^j"
*you know it/f
^clap your
if you're happy
and you know it
. and you really...
wanna sh	
■V     i      S       ^*^\
- w W
-Paul Lu 2nd March 2006
Page Five
Students Mourn     States Introduces New
Falling Grades
Lois Chan
The leading cause of their downfall
will be the release of Burning Crusade, which is an expansion of the
hugely successful, massively-multiplayer
online role-playing game World of War-
craft (lovingly called World of Warcrack.)
Blizzard has already announced the introduction of the curvy Horde counterparts to
dark-elves: blood-elves, whose violent histories and sexy avatars will no doubt
attract enough players to balance the sides
on any server.
However, this balance will be put to question again if the Alliance's answer is
indeed the rumoured pandaren, a race
involving critters resembling pandas that
was brought forth as a joke on April Fool's
Day some years ago. New areas will be
added for all levels, along with new items,
gear, and just about everything else a Blizzard lover would want.
Another MMORPG to watch for is Dark-
fall Online. Currently in the closed-beta
stage, it is slated to be released "soon."
Developed by some of the most avid players of various MMOs, the game is said to
meet just about everyone's needs. The artwork is ruggedly gritty yet astoundingly
beautiful, but that's not even its greatest
selling point. Not only does it have five
vast continents for the explorative types,
the continents are also fully shapeable by
players. Combat will be real-time, meaning
you can dodge missile attacks, even while
mounted! (Seriously, why aren't there
more games offering that?) Players can sail
ships across the oceans and player-armies
numbering over five thousand can march
across land for spectacular battles. The
developers also promise secure and stable
servers; the days of Shadowbane's awesome battles on terrible, horrible crashing
servers are over.
For a change of pace, you may want to try
Supreme Commander. Backed by the creator of Total Annihilation (indeed, it is the
3D sequel in spirit), it will be the most
stunning real-time strategy game this year,
and probably for years to come. The scale
is simply staggering: a player has control
over his massive army navy, and air force
from a satellite view. He does not micro-
manage his squads of infantry, or fleets of
submarines. He commands — for he is the
Supreme Commander. Hell, the units can
fire as they move, just like in TA. The novelty!
Then again, what do I know? I'm just a
girl. I don't know what this interweb thing
The inter-web-girl has a tauren hunter and
a troll priest on Laughing Skull, LFG SM or
Place Vanier presents...
l^rGTGr Place Vc
I—% I I 1935 Lcn
Place Vanier
1935 Lower Mall
A Place Vanier Musical Produd
March 23-25 A
$5 in advance
$7 at the door
Capital Punishment
Martin Sing
Punishable by Life
It has come to our attention that a new
form of capital punishment is being
implemented in states that still have the
death penalty. In lieu of the recent reality
TV buzz, they have decided to televise the
death sentence in hopes of deterring
would be psychopaths from killing. But
how boring would it be to sit and watch a
convicted killer have an injection or be
The new version is Manhunt. When the
murderer is condemned to the death
penalty, they are given the choice of the
conventional methods or being hunted
down by the victim's family. But why
would anybody consent to such a degrading thing? For a chance.
The televised manhunt will take place on
a deserted island. The manhunt will last
for an alloted time period and if the convict
is not dead by then, they are allowed to
continue living in solitude on the island.
The hunted will be given nothing but a
head start while the hunters will be armed
to the teeth. If the victim's family does not
want to hunt their family member's killer,
then the television studio is allowed to auction off the rights of the hunt to the highest
Authorities agree that the auction revenue
cover the production costs while most of
the leftover will go towards the families of
the victims since they have lost any potential income due to their loss. The final portion of profit will go to the convicted
killer's family. Why? To make for a better
show of course. If the killer just stands
there and gets shot, then it would not be
very exciting but if he gives them a run for
their money in hopes of leaving something
to his loved ones, then all the better. Furthermore, the convicted killer's family
would also be losing potential income.
Protesters have called this new form of
capital punishment unethical because it
would turn the hunters into murders as
well, but authorities argue that executioners would be doing this anyway. A further
argument is that selling the rights will just
be fueling current psychopath's needs to
kill. Government spokesperson, A. Pauls,
does not believe this to be the case. "Families would gain retribution and would-be
psychopaths would turn into agents of the
state" thus turning them into productive
members of society.
■ '*% *
UBC Biological Sciences Society
The First Annual
Everyone welcome - FREE FOR ALL!
-Interested in Biology?  Come to our FREE INFO SESSION!
-Learn more INFO about the program and different options!
-Admissions/Requirements/Career Planning
-Advisors of each option present to answer questions
-Life Sciences Co-op Advisors will also be present
-Perfect networking opportunity!
-Chat with Professors and Advisors
-Meet fellow Biology students
-FREE Food and Refreshments
Wednesday, MARCH 8th from 5-7pm
At WOODWARD IRC 6 and Lobby
WWW.TrjEP8F.COM Page Six
2nd March 2006
Exec Reports: For Bathrooms and Kitchens!
Patricia Luau
Master of the Universe
What do you want changed about
your university experience? If
you have an answer to that question (which you all probably will) read on
because this is important! Several years
ago we underwent a process called 'tuition
consultation' to brainstorm where we (any
Science student that took part in the discussion) would like additional money to
spent (ie better labs/equipment, TA training, etc). Unfortunately, the last year of the
large tuition increases did not do anything
for Arts and Science. The two largest faculties, which together comprise 18 000
undergraduates got nothing of the tuition
increase so all our tuition consulation was
for nothing. However, after speaking to
our Dean earlier this month, we decided
that it would be an excellent discussion to
have to find out what students would like
to see improved in their education and
experience in the Faculty of Science. There
is some flexible money in the faculty that
could go towards iniatitives that are
brought forth through these discussions.
So, if you have something you would like
to suggest email me at
or attend the SUS Council meeting on
Thursday, March 2 from l-2pm in SUB 206.
Secondly, Science is hoping to set up some
relationships with partner universities
around the world to create tailored
exchange programs for Science students.
Students going on exchange to these universities will know what credit they will
receive for equivalent courses before they
go (rather than after like the way it works
on exchange right now)! Stay tuned for
more information as this program is developed.
Lastly, I went with a group of about 25
AMS Councilours, Executives and Commissioners to Victoria last week to lobby
MLAs regarding tuition consulation. I
rolled out of bed at 4:45am and didn't get
home until 10:30pm but it was a good day
filled with private and group meetings
with over 70% of the MLAs. We discussed
the AMS' four priorities for Post Secondary
Education (PSE) - more collaboration
between the federal and provincial governments (including dedicated transfers for
PSE), core funding, tuition and student
financial aid. Obviously the issues are
complex but I had some really great discussions during the four meetings I attended so if you are interested in the matter,
definitely email me at pwlau@inter-
change.ubc.ca for more info! I'd love to talk
about it with you.
Jon Lame
VP External
"■"onathhan has nothing significant to
I report except that he loves Science
I Week, SUS Executve Elections, Chemistry, and Jack Bauer. He has also recently
developped an unhealthy dependence on
Again, if you need to contact me regarding elections stuff, Science Week stuff, or
any kind of stuff in general, my email is
Feel free to email me... I'm lonely. ={
Sean Kearney
Socialist Conspiranator
Hey! FRIDAY, MARCH 3, 6 to 10pm
in SUB 209 we'll be having a small
beer garden... The theme: CHAIRMAN LAU TURNS 22. It's the usual spe
cials: $2.00 Beer and Ciders, perhaps some
bubbly for $5. Please RSVP me at seankear-
ney@shaw.ca; if more people are interested
I will expand the venue.
Anyways, to all those who are keen, the
plan is to get boozed and then make the
Long March to the PIT or downtown!
See you there, Comrade.
12th Annual
Chemistry Forum
Are you unsure about your career options?
Come Meet Top Industry Representatives!
When: Thursday March 2nd 200 5     8:30AM -> 2:00PM
Where: Cecil Green Park House
(North of campus — 6251 Cecil G^ieen Park Road)
Note:    1).   3rd and 4th year chemistry classes cancelled for
the morning
2) Free breakfast and lunch provided
3) Dress to impress
kaijahR limaJ
Erector of Sports
Hello Science Students! I have amazingly awsome, fantastically wonderful news. UBC Rec's largest
events are coming up...the
Triathalon/Duathalon on March 11th (registration ends March 4th) and STORM
THE WALL! As a special incentive for science students Tm giving the FIRST 4 teams
made up of all science students to hand in
rebate forms for Storm the Wall 100%
rebates on the event! (that's right...it'll end
up being FREEEEEEEE for you!) Other
teams, of course, will still get rebates on
the event...but the first 4 teams will get it
for free. Rebate forms are available on the
Sports Board in the SUS lounge (LSK 202)
and to hand them in, just put them in the
"Director of Sports" mailbox. Til be at both
the Tri/Du and Storm the Wall, so if you
see me come and say hi, ask about rebates,
SUS, or anything else!
Lick Han3 Lee
D. of Publications
Over the last three weeks, several
advancements have occurred in
Publications. The 432 has gone on
as usual. The upcoming Paradigm has
been planned and is now in the writing
stage. Look out for this issue as it will tackle many issues that will be of interest to
many of you. And finally, news from the
archival front. I put in applications to several funds to help fund the 432 archival
project.   Unfortunately,   the   AMS   has
already declined our application to the
AMS constituency fund, citing that we
have already received a large amount this
year for special projects. I am still anxious
to receive news from the other fund applications. If all else fails, publication can still
obtain an interest free loan from the AMS
that can be paid back over time (and did I
say...interest free?!!).
And finally, SUS elections are coming up!
Make sure you check out the "roles of
execs" section in this issue of the 432. Then
get the nomination form at the back page
filled out and signed by your fellow science students!
Mike Duncan
Public Felations Officer
Now it is time for an exec report -
talking too much about what I
have done in the past two weeks, I would
like to promote the Public Relations Position and hopefully get some people interested in running for it during the elections.
If you hadn't already figured it out, SUS
Exec elections are coming up in March and
they are going to be a hoot.
Why would you want to be a PRO (Public
Relations Officer)?
The PRO is a really cool position because
there aren't a whole lot of things that are
mandated for this position. Instead, you
have a lot of freedom to run whatever kind
of initiatives and events you desire. That
being said, you are in charge of fundrais-
ing initiatives for SUS and for generally
promoting the society. A lot of the job of
the PRO is to help out other executives
when their jobs gets stressful. A few of the
things that I have done this year include:
running Buck-a-Burgers, designing and
starting the Science Jacket project, running
the Pie the Prof fundraiser and other
fundraisers, painting myself blue (which is
by no means a requirement of the position)
and other such things. If this kind of stuff
sounds cool to you, then I urge you to run
for PRO. If you want more information
about this position feel free to contact me
at pro.sus@gmail.com.
Camoron Funnell
I've been senator for almost a year now.
Thaf s a long time, and some of my critics might even say it's too long. I must
say this kind of feedback is not new to me,
in fact I've had many lovers repeat the
same protestations as my political opponents. That's never stopped me before
While a few months remain in my tenure
as senator, I can wholeheartedly say that
I've learned about all I need to learn about
the senator position, unless of course some
one has developped a sexual position
known as "The Senator', in which case I
would need to learn about that too. In the
past several months, being senator has
taught me the important of being good and
evil. Unfortunately I feel that evil is severely under-represented. There just aren't any
resources out there promoting evil.
On an unrelated note, I have set up a new
charity tentatively titled "The Save the Gay
Penguins Fund." For those of you unfamiliar with the homosexual shennanigans
going on in the penguin compound of the
Berlin zoo, here is some background:
This story is one that has a lot of personal
signifcance for me. My best friend is a gay
penguin, and no, I'm not going to tell you
whether we've ever fooled around or not.
In any case, it is my hope that this new
charity will help gay penguins all over the
world find alternative ways to have children, like adoption, for example.
Francis "Sailor" Moon
D. of Fine pants
When I was a young child, my
mother used to bake me muffins.
I loved these muffins very much
and as I grew older, developped an
unhealthy obsession with them. What
started out simply as eating muffins for
breakfast lunch and dinner, quickly escalated to the point where I would sleep with
muffins, bathe in muffins, build muffin
forts, and even pleasure myself with
By the time I was 14 years old, the muffins
my mother procured to satisfy my muffin-
lust were numerous enough to feed every
man woman and child in Cuba - twice. It
was also around this time that the rationalist in me began to question the origin of
this seemingly inexhaustable supply of
muffins. It was then that I learned the terrible truth: It was not my mother who
made the muffins.
I discovered this secret quite accidentally,
by threatening my mother until she told
me where all the muffins were. I knew she
had a stockpile of them, hidden somewhere in the house. The motherload, as it
were, turned out to be hidden underneath
the house. Through a series of intricate
tunnels and catacombs, I eventually came
upon the source of the muffins. It was a
gigantic faucet protruding from the rock
face and from it dripped a steady stream of
As I approached, my mother appeared
from nowhere and, with superhuman
strength, turned off the faucet and then
ripped off the handle. Then she turned into
a butterfly and flew away. I've been
muffinless and motherless ever since. 2nd March 2006
Page Seven
So You Think You Want To Be A
SUS Exec?
Interested in getting involved with the
society but don't have a clue what the
execs do? Here is a quick introduction
to the positions. Still have questions? Feel
free to contact any of the current execs,
they would feel oh so special if you did.
So generally what do execs do? Well let's
go through the rundown, shall we?
One of the most important parts of being
on exec is working as a team. Sure each
position has specific responsibilities but
there are litterally hundreds of things that
pop up randomly during the year that SUS
as an organization needs to deal with and
none of these things would get done if not
for the combined effort of the exec.
The second most important thing to keep
in mind is that being on exec is a lot of
work and commitment.
So what happens in April after you get
elected? Well first off you probably forget
about SUS and focus on exams for the rest
of the month. But some time during the
month, you'll get to meet up with your fellow newly elected execs along with the
outgoing exec. Some time later (this can
range from weeks to... months.... to... well,
never) you'll meet up with your predecces-
sor and they'll give you a dandy little
turnover report filled with tidbits of info
that should help you along your SUS journey through the next 12 months.
SUS Execs don't get summer vacations.
Well, they might get a short one, but
there's a lot of work to be done! For the
President, VP External, and 3 AMS reps,
AMS business starts right away. You'll get
oriented and acquainted with your fellow
AMS councillors and start attending AMS
meetings Wednesday evenings once a
month. Senate meetings are a lot less regular but as senator, you'll start attending
those too. For D.Finance, D. Publications,
and D. Sports, you'll have to take the AMS
Treasurer's test and get signed in, since the
three of you are in charge of your own separate financial accounts.
For the rest of the summer, you'll be
working with your fellow execs to set out a
budget for SUS, plan out goals for the year,
get ready to promote SUS to first years at
Imagine and a whole bunch of other random things that, again nobody really
knows about until they're sitting on your
As soon as school starts, you'll help out
with more SUS events, promotions, beer
gardens, you name it. AMS meetings now
happen twice as often as they did in the
summer. For the VP Internal, now is also
the time to start planning council elections
and coordinating with the secretary to
make sure all the paperwork is in place.
Right after that, the SUS council retreat
and orientation will be on the minds of all
Once councillors have been elected and
the dust settles, if s time to start setting up
committees, making newspapers, planning
events, and getting into the routine that
will carry you through the rest of the year.
For the rest of the term, things will coast
along pretty smoothly. They'll be a few
major things to come up but for the most
part, each exec will be busy taking care of
bussiness: meeting up with their fellow
execs and councillors once a week to report
and give updates on important events and
issues relevant to science students; holding
committee meetings and making sure
they're fulfilling all the responsibilities
outlined in the society's constitution; helping out wherever they can; going to class;
buying groceries; etc... More of the
specifics will be outlined later...
After a short break after December exams,
things get back in full gear. Especially (but
not exclusively) if you're the VP External.
January is without a doubt the most
demanding month of the year, thanks in no
small part to Science Week. You may think
that this is mainly the VP External's job,
but who are you kidding? Do you really
think one person can run a constituency
week, collaborating with over 20 campus
clubs, targetting over 7000 students, and
involving a multi-thousand dollar budget?
The answer is no. Events will be going on
all week, in the SUB and around campus
and you'll probably have your fair share of
running around.
After that, Reading Week will save your
sorry butt and give you a much needed
chance to catch up on sleep and school-
work. As the term progresses, you get
more random things popping up during
exec meetings and council meetings that
you'll have to deal with as they come up,
you'll keep chugging along and befor eyou
know it, if s exec elections time again!
Now I know, I've probably painted a very
dismal picture, showing execs as underpaid, overworked, hyperstressed people,
but truth be told it's a helluva lot of fun.
Thaf s why I've done it for so many years
(not simply because I'm a masochist). You
get to work and bond with an awesome
group of people in ways you can barely
imagine. You get exposure to an untold
wealth of experiences, knowledge, and
opportunities that the average student just
doesn't see everyday. And while you don't
get paid, it would be a lie to say that there
are no material benefits to being involved
at this level of an organization.
Okay so enough blabbering. You want to
get down to the nitty-gritty. What does
each exec position entail and which job is
best for you? Well you can always check
out the SUS Constitution available online
(www.sus.ubc.ca) but as I said earlier, that
won't tell you very much. So go find an
exec, email us, visit us in the SUS Office,
find out where we live and stalk us at our
homes. We'd love to share everything we
know about our jobs. But if you're one of
those anti-socialites or maybe if you live in
a cave and don't have access to email or
maybe you just don't like any of this year's
execs, here's a (very, very) brief summary
of some of the key points of each job.
Anyway, I hope you found this little blurb
amusing, or at the very least helpful. Good
luck to all you candidates. And to the rest
of you, stay tuned, you may find a few surprises in this year's elections...
(Patricia Lau I pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca)
As President, your have many primary
roles! Within the constitutional duties, you
have significant freedom to work on new
initiatives within SUS, or externally with
the Faculty of Science, the AMS and other
undergraduate societies. However, a major
project on the table that will be your
responsibility next year is the Ladha Science Student Center, our new social space.
When SUS moves in next year, the facilitation of the space will be up to the SUS
Executive and it will be a big job to manage
and write rules for the building.
The President is are required to sit on
AMS Council. This seat on AMS Council is
also what you make of it with the time
commitment to the AMS anywhere
between four hours every other week to
four hours every week! However, as President of SUS you are seen as a leader and
with Science being the second largest faculty, AMS Council will look to you as an
important and influential member of council.
You also manage SUS and the SUS Executive and liasing with the Faculty of Science.
You are the leader of the society and executives and councilors will look to you for
guidance, advice and help. As the primary
liason between the Faculty of Science and
SUS you will meet with the Dean on a
monthly basis and be a member of the Student Advisory Committee to the Dean. It is
very important for SUS to have an excellent working relationship with the Dean's
Office and it is up to you to maintain that.
Vice President External
(Jonathan I txm@interchange.ubc.ca)
Your official duties are comprised mainly
of sitting on AMS Council, and planning
Science Week. Sitting on AMS Council
with the president and AMS reps. In terms
of Science Week, you will be the main coordinator. You will need to schedule events,
book rooms, and coordinate the different
events, organize volunteers and chair Science Week committee. Science Week committee is made up of volunteers that do
most of the detailed planning of events.
The other aspect of Science is sponsorship
and promotions, which involves organizing letters and phonecalls to be sent out to
potential donors.
Vice President Internal
(Kiran Bisra I vpi.sus@gmail.com)
The VP-Internal has two main thrusts:
academic lobbying and internal matters.
She chairs the SUS Academic Committee,
which gives out student leadership
awards, makes academic information
available to students, and attempts to liaise
between students and the administration,
for example. She is also chair of the First
Year Committee, a thinly-guised way to
recruit students to SUS while they still are
still young and impressionable - a technique we shamelessly picked up from
Phillip-Morris. The annual Whistler
retreat/councilor orientation, the Year-End
Party, and the Wine and Cheese are just a
few examples of events planned by the
Internal VP. She also makes sure Council
conflicts are resolved and that none of the
disputes among executives land us on
Jerry Springer. At least, not again
Director of Finance
(Francis Moon I moon@interchange.ubc.ca)
As D. Finance, you're in charge of the
money. You'll need to complete the AMS
treasurer's test and sign-in, make a budget
for the year and make sure everything is
balanced. During the year, you'll also pay
the bills, reimburse people for SUS expenses, distribute club funding and other fun
fun things.
Executive Secretary
(Lisa Frey I secsus@gmail.com)
Meeting minutes! You take them! Simple?
It depends. You organize what goes on
during council meetings by preparing
agendas, and you record what goes on.
You also look after the office and lounge
space, making sure supplies are well
stocked and kept orderly. Communication
within council is key, so you'll need to
coordinate the mailing list and councillor
mailboxes. Code & Policy Committee is
also under your wings - you discuss and
propose changes to procedure and how
SUS is run. It is primarily through this
Committee that the Secretary is able to
administer her Machiavellian tyranny. If
the idea of hording office supplies and getting into heated battles oveT syntax gets
you hot all over, then this may be the position for you.
Director of Publications
(Lik Hang Lee I likhanglee@gmail.com)
D. Publications will be responsible for the
publication of the 432, the Paradigm, and
the Guide. In addition to helping with editing or being the editor for each of these
publications, you will also need to communicate with the publishing/printing companies while you watch your costs in an ever
decreasing budget and ever rising print
costs. You are also in charge of the archiving of all the issues physically in the new
Science Social Space, as well as passing
issues on to the UBC library for preservation.
Public Relations Officer
(Michael Duncan I pro.sns@gmail.com)
PRCs rather nebulous collection of
responsibilities involve promoting SUS to
Science Students through various unspecified initiatives. These can be open houses,
charity events, BBQs, Science Jacket sales
and promotions. There's a lot of flexibility
in this position.
Director of Sports
(Jamil Rhajiak I jrhajiak@interchange.ubc.ca)
As D.Sports, the gist of you job involves:
Promoting UBC REC events/Athleticism
amongst Science students; Chairing the
Sports Committee; Processing rebates for
UBC REC events; Attending UBC REC
Sports Rep Meetings and work with the
UBC REC Public Relations Team; Organizing and runingn the SCIENCE OLYMPICS
during Science Week.
Social Coordinator
(Sean Kearney I seankeamey@shaw.ca)
No easy job. You'll need to know how to
run a mean beer garden. That means
knowing how to procure the required
paperwork (SOL forms, Serving it Right,
AMS Alcohol Policy). It means having a
close relationship with AMS Bookings,
AMS Events, campus RCMP, Classroom
services and of course your social committee. A keen sense of promotion and marketing will help immensely.
Science Student Senator
(Cameron Funnell I camerorifunnell@gmaiLcorn)
Science Student Senator is pretty much
self explanitory. You're a Science Student
and you sit on Senate. Senate is the highest
academic governing body at UBC so if s
kind of a big deal. What you say and do
could have very big impacts on students
and their academics here at UBC In general, senate deals with things like admissions, scholarships, curriculum, and exam
scheduling policies, albeit in smaller sub-
AMS Representative (Fake Execs!)
AMS Reps aren't part of the executive at
all, but their elections happen at the same
time. Being an AMS rep means you represent the interests of Science Students on
AMS Council. You'll have to go to council
meetings every two weeks as well as several smaller committee meetings. AMS
reps will also need to report important
updates back to council and to the student
body in general, ie: through 432 reports. 2nd March 2006
Page Eight
C. Atherton & A. Pare
Chemistry (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Spring is almost here and love is in the air,
unfortunately you spilled a horrible chemical in your soup in the lab but didn't
notice and now you have turned semi-
vampiric, or is it just from too many hours
in that windowless lab. Either way, as soon
as you step out into the brilliant sunshine
your fair skin will instantly combust making you significantly less attractive to the
opposite sex. Luckily for you there is still a
chance. The nurse who ministers to your
charred flesh has a mean case of Nightingale syndrome. If you can learn to look
past the leprosy, the two of you will be
very happy together in your deformity.
You should consider switching into General Science.
Genetics (Apr 20 - May 20)
Valentines day put you in a bit of a funk
because everyone rejected your beautiful
hand made creations. Next time I suggest
using paper, glitter, and lace instead of
your mutant creations to express your
love. You will find people are much more
receptive if the valentine does not try and
eat their favourite pet. It is also recommended that you refrain from unleashing
your most heinous creation yet, the small
penis gene, on the world in retaliation. You
should consider General Science.
Physics (May 21 - June 21)
You think you find the grand unifying
theory of everything, but after presenting
it a the annual convention of Theoretical
Physicist, you realize that you forgot to
carry the one and really you just reproved
pythagorus' theorem. You should consider
switching into General Science.
Computer Science (June 22 - July 22)
Java is not your friend. Neither is C++.
You might think they are, but they won't
love you like that cute red haired girl in
class will. You should buy her that pair of
gloves. Sure, being the only girl in class she
probably gets a lot of offers, but I think she
really likes you. Of course you would have
a better chance of scoring with her if you
transfered into General Science.
Ecology (July 23 - Aug 22)
You have been spending a lot of time
studying the local forest community, but
you have been neglecting the flora and
fauna of your colon. They are upset. They
are preparing a coup of your digestive
tract. It will not be pretty. You should consider transferring into General Science.
Geography (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Wreck beach has already been mapped.
Move on. Have you considered General
Math (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Half the books in the math library may be
in Russian, but just sitting amongst them
will not help you learn the language. Did
you know that General Science has very
lax requirements and you would actually
have time to learn a language in that program?
Geology (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The dinosaur in the Earth and Ocean Science building is cool, so stop trying to steal
the bones for your dog. You know they
aren't the real bones right? Have you ever
thought that your skills might be better uti
lized in the General Science program?
Astronomy (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Astronomy isn't a real science, astrology is
where its at. Quit focusing on the small
stuff, you are missing the larger picture.
Just think how much happier you would
be if you could predict the future. Wait a
minute I'm seeing some serious tragedy in
your future, maybe you would be happier
not knowing after all. Especially if you
transferred into General Science.
Zoology (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Sure the mating habits of the big eared
hare are interesting, but perhaps you
should be paying a little more attention to
the mating habits of your own species. You
would have known then that your girlfriend would not appreciate getting a dirt
bike for valentines day. Might I suggest
switching into General Sciences?
Geophysics (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Just because you want to be a volcanolo-
gist doesn't mean it's okay to make paper
mache volcanoes for your class project.
Didn't you get to make one of those in elementary school or did you grow up in the
ghetto? I think an degree in General Science would be a better fit with your particular skills.
General Science (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to
you, happy birthday dear General Sciences, happy birthday to you.
It's that time of year again...
The Biophysics Students Society
Is Going Curling!
Join in on tho fun, don't rrass. out on tnh. patriotic: sporting evo.nt!
When:  Saturday March 11
1pm - 3pm
Where: Marpofe Curling Club
B730 Heather Street
Howt    Email feSo0hy«K;3ulK€,hotmaU.com
Visit hapr//wvtw.prfctkutit:.C3/-fjiopnyy' for mo:


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