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The 432 Feb 27, 1995

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 Quote of the Week
Speech is but the shadow of action
Democriticus of Adbarra, a pre-Socratic philosopher
W
*j&/s/4f4^wmy/ /* /&   |
European Flooding Linked
to Hollywood!
Wave of controversy surrounds PR 'blunder'
Kevin Phillips Bong	
Roving Correspondent
NEW YORK (UPI)
In a statement read at a
press conference earlier today,
United Nations officials
revealed the cause of the devastating floodwaters that
swept through the Lower
Rhine Valley earlier this
month. Afu¥o)nsTaera5Ie scientific research and investigation, the UN Disaster Control
Team confirmed that the massive flooding was in fact the
direct result of "gross misjudg-
ment" on the part of
American movie giant
Paramount Pictures.
The team concluded that
the high waters, which ravaged large regions of northwestern Europe and forced
the evacuation of nearly half
a million people, were part of
a massive publicity campaign
to promote the upcoming
action release WaterworM.
Exhaustive scrutiny of Alpine
snow levels, local geological
data and Paramount financial
statements confirmed the
findings.
The fiasco is the latest in a
string of misfortunes to befall
Kevin Costner's would-be
blockbuster film, scheduled
for release in August. Reports
of problems on the set and a
runaway budget (already estimated at nearly $200 million)
have damaged advance publicity for the film, and
Paramount had apparently
been trying to bolster the
movie's public profile when
the disaster occurred.
Following the press confer
ence, Paramount studio chief
Jeffrey Katzenberg offered an
explanation for the debacle.
"It seemed like a great idea
at the time," he said. "The
European audience has always
been a hard sell for the US
studios relative to other overseas markets. The filmgoing
public in Europe is more cynical than most, and fanciful
sci-fi epics like Waterworld
don't always fly, even though
they may be rooted in scientific plausibility. So we knew
we needed something new to
promote this film - something
that would really make an
impression on the public and
allow them to relate to what
goes on in the film. That was
where putting their entire
country underwater came in."
According to the
Katzenberg, the floods were
triggered when the entire
Paramount board of directors
and publicity management
department met in Zurich,
Switzerland.
"In Hollywood, we're used
to having that many people
spout that much hot air all at
once. But up in the Alps, the
mean temperature Is-much
more sensitive to that kind of
input. We correctly deduced
that by holding a simple
three-hour board meeting in
Zurich, we'd melt every drop
of snow above 3,000 feet.
Instant flood."
Katzenberg also expressed
his "sincere regret and apologies to the German and Dutch
people," and went on to outline Paramount's plans to
assist relief efforts in stricken
areas, including a cryptic
pledge to "build dikes bigger
than Oprah."
Following the press conference, the Federation
Internationale du Ski, downhill skiing's governing body,
announced it would be seeking legal action against
Paramount to recover lost revenues from World Cup races
cancelled due to lack of snow.
In related news, scientists
are at a loss to explain the disappearance of the El Niflo
warming current, normally
rotating off the California
coast, which seemed to coincide precisely with the departure of the Paramount executives from the Los Angeles
area. Officials are investigating.
Lenin on Tour!
Gord van McOlundsky
Correspondent
MOSCOW (Reuters)
RUSSIAN officials today
announced the departure
of Lenin, leader of the Russian
Revolution, on a whirlwind
tour of the world's major
cities to promote Russian culture and raise some much-
needed cash.
Russian museum officials
responsible for Lenin's preservation are delighted.
Vladimir Konstanov made
the following statement to
reporters.
"Ve're looking forvard to
Lenin's tour. Thank you."
Lenin will travel by charter
jet to New York, and tour
major North American cities
before returning to the
Continent.
Dr. Svend Raggarsen, director of the New York
Metropolitan Museum, on
preparations for Lenin's
arrival.
"We're planning a gala celebration to honour Mr. Lenin.
All the famous citizens of this
fair city will be on hand to
welcome him. We'll stand
him in the corner, and serve
drinks.
"Well have to make sure
everyone gets good and
pissed. We wouldn't want
Lenin to feel out of place,
what with his greenish pallor
and everything. We'll just
have to serve lots of ouzo.
That's guaranteed to turn
everyone a nice shade of
green."
Next, Lenin will travel by
train to Hollywood to mark
the placing of his name in the
Boulevard of Stars. From
there, he will travel to
London, to celebrate the high
sales of the Beatles - Live at
the BBC album. Press
Secretary, Josef Gruzinov:
"Music lovers the world
around vill love the commemorative plaque, signed by
both Lenin and Paul
McCartney. It vill be a collek-
tor'sitem."
Lenin's final stop before
returning home will be Paris,
where his presence is expected to increase ticket sales at
Eurodisney.
"Look, it's not that we don't appreciate it and all,
but when we told the owners that we wanted to
'get rid of the cap'..." THE
FOUR
THIRTY
TWO
Monday, February 27, 1995
Volume 8 Number 11
Monday, February 27, 1995
EDITOR
-. Blair McDonald
ASSISTANT EDITORS
CONTRIBUTORS
fay Garcia, John Hallett, Graeme
Kennedy, Blair McDonald, Doug Sewell,
Roger Watts, and Matt Wiggin
OTHER STUFF
OTHER POSSIBLE USES FOR THIS PAPER
Parachute material. Wallpaper. Starting
a mid-sized fire. Constructing a bulletproof vest. Blotting up the blood from a
multiple slaying. Controlling the minds of
the masses. Mattress stuffing. Drawer
filler. Stopping a herd of charging elephants. Maybe not the elephants, but
how 'bout a herd o' charging lemmings?
Graeme Kennedy, Roger Watts, John
Hallett
PRINTERS
College Printers of Vancouver, BC
The 432 is printed every two weeks by
the Science Undergrad Society from our
offices in CHEM 160. Ail rights reserved.
It's a lousy world.    Going postal.
<$r-)
If there's anything I've learned over
the last few years, it's that you can't
please everyone.
I guess that's to be expected, since at
least 5000 people pick up this
paper, and everyone likes different things.
Some people out there fondly remember the Campus
Wars Saga. Dik Miller.
Cartoons by Ken Otter. Blair
Nowadays, people pick up McDonald
the paper for the sole purpose
of reading Roger Watts, Graeme
Kennedy, and Leona Adams.
I think people will do the same for
the up and coming writers like Jay
Garcia, John Hallett, and Matt Wiggin.
Maybe you picked up this paper to
read my words. Maybe you love
watching me write well-intentioned
sarcasm about my girlfriend (who's
got the patience of a saint) and distribute it all over campus.
By the way, my girlfriend is^JB^V
^■pHPPmHipHHMft who
always seems to^fl|HM> There. I
managed to get that off my chest, but
saved my relationship too. Phew!
Incredibly enough, there's a few
people who read the paper for our
commentaries on life, student politics,
and the meaning of cheese.
There's some people out there, who
thought The 432 provided a great perspective on the general elections and
the Ubyssey Referendum.. In fact, it has
been argued that this paper is the only
one which takes on the role of the
"official opposition", and should
expand in that direction.
I disagree. Papers are not the official
opposition to governments, although
the Globe and Mail, the Vancouver Sun,
and the old Ubyssey would have you
think differently.
Journalists are supposed to write stories filled with balanced opinions from
knowledgeable sources. They are not
supposed to camouflage their opinions as psuedo-analysis. They are not
the official opposition to anything.
Since The 432 wrote those pieces on
the Ubyssey and the elections, we've
been accused by some for doing just
that - hiding our personal opinions
with a coating of news.
Now I've got other people encouraging me to print more material on student politics. Where's the proper balance, anyways?
What I'll do is this: still print the
opinions of individual writers about
topics of their choice. If a student poli
tics is what they choose to poke fun
of, then that's OK by me.
But I'm not going to let this paper
stoop to personal attacks on individuals. Sure, I'll make fun of the
Underground, but I'm not
going to make personal joke
about the editor. I'll write
cover stories about the policies of student politicians,
poke fun at student politicians as a group, but I don't
think it's approriate to single
out anyone in particular. At least not
until I develop the same sort of working relationships with the new
Executive as I enjoyed with the old
Executive.
You see, Bill knew it was all in fun,
and didn't mind when I put quotes in
his mouth. But the new Executive
might not share that opinion.
But enough about all this political
crap, anyways. There's got to be some
better things in the news to make fun
of. Let's see...
Massive flooding in Europe. Hmm.
Country's credit rating under review.
Now, that's funny. Just kidding. What
else? Murders, rapes, kidnappings.
Great material in that, folks. High
school violence. The war in Bosnia.
Tuition increases... aaahhhh!
There's nothing funny in the
papers. It's all gloom and doom, the
world's about to end. Why can't newspapers ever write a witty, humourous
story? Dave Barry just doesn't cut it
with his stories about PopTarts™ and
men's underwear anymore.
Bloody hell. Somebody's got to
make you laugh. Hey! Maybe that's
why you picked up this paper in the
first place! Well, lemme tell ya da joke
about the Pope, the Holy Roman
Empire (neither Holy nor Roman) and
the Polish firefighter.. .here goes...
THERE ARE TIMES in your life
when you become absolutely
angry. Flamingly torqued. Extremely
enraged. Even just plain old pissed off.
Sometimes this state of utter
unhappiness can be linked to
something you did (like
when you spend several
hours working late into the
night on your integration
homework for Math 101,
only to discover that you've
been referring to the wrong
chapter. Or that it's not even due).
More often, though, this is brought
about by outside agencies and forces
beyond your control.
One notable example are those ineffably chipper people who try to cheer
you up when you're down and out
and just want to be left alone. You
know who I'm talking about. They're
usually the ones upon whose faces
have been permanently plastered a
smile so saccharine that a diabetic
could go into insulin shock with just a
casual glance, will come to your aid by
trying to raise your spirits. They mean
well but aren't they immensely irritating? (An aside: where do these people
come from? They're either aliens masquerading as humans, on proscribed
medication, or ex-employees from
Disney World. Or any combination of
the three).
Or how about when you find out
that, even after spending a night in
the freezing cold camping out in front
of Ticketmaster in the hopes of getting
a halfway decent seat for the R.E.M.
concert in May, there are no floor
seats left, and no, there aren't even
any in the nosebleeds, as some scalper
has already bought the first thirty
thousand tickets1. No, this did not
happen to me as I, personally, was
ahead of the scalper, but a friend of
mine, some nine people back, did
Jay
Garcia
Rebates
Mar 20
explain to me, with the use of some
very creative invective, her precise
emotions at that time.
Now, at times like these, it is very
important that you vent any
stress that you have accumulated. Now, this is very important, as stress is a rather nasty
thing. Too much stress in
your system can make your
head explode. Or a reasonable
facsimile thereof.
One good way to getting rid
of stress is yoga, or meditation. Both
of them do wonders for your heart
rate and blood pressure, but unfortunately, it takes years to master them to
the point wherein you can instantly
release yourself of all stress.
Another good, more immediate
method of venting stress, as rather
aptly demonstrated by my friend, is to
swear richly at the object of your irritation. This is a time-honoured tradition, probably as old as human society
(it is the suspicion of many anthropoU
ogists that the cave paintings in
Lascaux are actually primitive graffiti,
along the lines of '••off").
The most, ah, highly inadvisable
method involves grabbing a high-calibre rifle, walking up to the roof of a
tall building, and taking a couple of
potshots at the source of your irritation. Or any random passer-by, for
that matter. This seems to me to be an
excellent method of venting excess
stress. It works perfectly well for US
postal workers. I mean, look how well
adjusted they are. Granted, their coworkers might be feeling a wee bit,
um, airier afterwards, but what's a
ventilated office-mate in light of rising
personal stress?
However, many people have pointed out to me that the maxim of "peace
through superior firepower" tends to
have rather unfortunate consequences
as whipping out a submachine gun
and firing several bursts into a crowd
at the local 7-11 tends to attract the
police, who tend to have even more
superior firepower.
Still, I think that a long stay in a
padded cell could be very stress-relieving...
1 Bonus points if you can identify
the episode of the Simpsons that this
is taken from.
Jay is currently under psychiatric evaluation. Doctors are considering increasing
his daily dosage of mind-altering substances. We'd tike to suggest he simply
cutback on his coffee intake. Monday, February 27,1995
THE
FOUR
THIRTY   -TWO
Grok Kennedy:
Plagiarist
John on Love.
WE RESUME our story, already in
progress. Grok Kennedy has
been kidnapped by the notorious
Aggressive Clan of the Timeless
Innovative Obelisk-makers, the
Notorious NOW's, in a bizarre case of
mistaken identity. Let's tune
in and see how he's getting
along
"At last we have the great
Dik Miller!"
"But Dik is dead! You
know, bus. Big. Bang. Dead.
He sort of evaporated. We
had to identify him by gas-chromatog-
raphy."
"Silence! You will pay. Pay!
Paaaaay!"
"Look," I stammered, digging two
quarters out of my pocket "How's four
bits?" I threw them across the room,
and they scampered across the floor
like children. "Shiny! Shiny! Pretty!"
I tried to make a break for it, but my
Coke-bottle glasses reflected the dull
light from that standard torture-chamber 40-Watt bulb. "Shiny! Pretty!"
They had me in seconds.
"Now, can't we talk about this?
ThereVa whole -er- half Deep Dish™
chocolate cake in it for you if...
"Never. We cannot be bribed. 'Sides,
we just came from the Colonel's. Now,
we will extract the information. Ivan!"
Ivan was about five feet tall, and was
wearing sequins. "Ah-one for the
money"
I resisted the first set, but when the
sad songs began I folded like my souffles. "I'll talk, I'll talk. Do it to Julia! I
used to play with barbies! I have an
outey! Just don't do Love Me Tender!"
My un-request was heard.
"Now, Dik, you will tell us where
you have hidden the film, no?"
"I'm tellin' ya. It's Grok. Grok
Kennedy. Look, no hat, here bits?" I
threw them across the room, and they
scampered across to get them"
I grabbed the conveniently located
within arm's reach - artistic licence -
guitar and made a deafening, brutal
chord.
"No musical talent whatsoever! I'm
Grok, I tell ya! Not Dik!"
"All right, Grok. What have you
done with the film?"
"Um, I left it with my girlfriend."
Graeme
Kennedy
They huddled in the corner for
about five minutes, and then turned
to face me.
"If you are Grok Kennedy, then we
know it is preposterous for you to
have left it with your girlfriend. Ha. Hahahahaa. Wah-
hahaha. Girlfriend!
Wahahaha! Right!"
Mocking my bachelor status
seemed to have distracted and
weakened them for the time
being, so I planned a second
escape. Leaping to my feet, I
bolted for the only vible exit: the bottomless pit, located in the middle of
the chamber. I lept in, certain that no
pit could truly be bottomless. I was
right.
"What are you doing in the
planter?" asked the head torturer.
"Um, just checking to see if you're
using 7-0-0. It gets mossy this time of
year."
"With your chest?"
Knowing their fondness for bad
entertainers, I tried yet another desperate ruse: "Yes, I have very sensitive
nip- hey! Is that Li Minelli?" They
weren't fooled.
"Seize him!" commanded the leader.
Several henchmen produced ropes.
No, wait a minute: are those tape measures?
"Twenty-eight leg!" shouted one.
"Forty waist!"
"Seize him, you idiots! Don't size
him. And get his Dik Miller garlic-
press/cyclotron/wiffle bat while yer at
it. If s in his fanny-pack."
"I'm not wearing a fanny-pack. Are
you saying I have a big butt ?" I
demanded of the leader.
"Ya, biiig butt. We will find where
you hid the pictures of my escapade at
the frat party or you will die!"
Well I just lose it. I snapped. Big butt,
eh? When the dust settled, I apologized for the hissy-fit, and cleaned up
the garlic, leaving the unconscious
beaurocrats to consider their mistake.
Now I had a mission. A plan. A purpose: Dik. I must find Dik! Oh, and
the one-eared man. I must prove my
innocence
Next week: Grok 'Mis' Hitler with a
two-by-four. Derek Miller sues for copyright infringement, and wins a $12 million settlement out of court.
The problem of the universe.
I've turned my house upside down to
find <insert your lost item here>
THIS ISSUE I WILL write about love.
(I know I'm late, but I hate to be
part of a crowd.)
Love is a very strange thing. Every
time you feel it, it's different. In fact,
sometimes it's so different
that ifs hard to distinguish
from a bad case of indigestion or, for that matter, a
mild case of The Plague.
So, what is love? Is it a
unique experience that transcends our existence as mere
mortals? Is it a finite set of
chemical reactions in your
head? Or is it something
that can be bought for $50 on
East Hastings?
It is all of the above. It is everything.
Everything is love in some minute way
and love is part of everything. (Pretty
abstract, eh? I got that from a bathroom wall on BC Ferries.)
So what is it about this state of mind
that turns mighty giants into blobs of
pliable goo? I think it has something
to do with the depletion of the ozone
combined with regular visits by the
Gray Aliens from Regulus V. (Don't
acted surprised, we all know they're
here.)
Well, it either that or it's women.
Both are forces to be contended with.
I, myself, am completely clueless when
it comes to wooing members of the
opposite sex.
Valentine's Day is a sham. On my
most recent Valentine's Day (I'm not
telling you which one it was cuz time
isn't exactly linear for me.), a good
friend of mine convinced me to act on
a flicker of an emotion I had. Very
quickly I had gathered up the standard
poem and flower and arranged to have
it delivered anonymously on the
sacred day.
All fine and dandy... unless the tar-
Jlohn
Hallett
get person lives long, long ago in a
galaxy far, far away and can't make it
to UBC on V-Day because of snow.
"No problem," I thought, "She'll get
it Wednesday." Unless, of course,
school is closed Wednesday
due to even more snow.
Now Thursday is only two
days late and would make an
ideal date for receiving une
message de l'amour. Unless, of
course, mid-term break starts
on that day and continues
until Sunday.
Now we come to Monday.
For sure, the gift will be delivered although the emotion has
long been lost. One problem: the
flower is quite unpleasantly and
inconveniently dead. So I got my network of operatives to replace the damn
thing. (Do you sense a little annoyance on my part?)
Last Monday the whole thing was
over and done with, the poem and
flower received and me thinking
"Why, exactly, did I do this?"
I have since figured out that my
ideals are not shared by my vict... er,
betrothed one, so the whole exercise
was utterly futile.
What's the moral of John's story?
Don't bother. You'll wind up putting
way too much effort into something
that'll more than likely blow up in
your face and cause you no end of
embarrassment.
A fandango like this is absolutely
unbearable (embarrassment-wise),
unless you happen to live outside city
bounds. And thus John falls to his
ever-present back-up plan: Leave the
city for six months.
The secondary moral of the story:
Always have a Plan B. I have decided
to pursue my life-long love Dana. I'm
coming for you. You can't hide.
Solution: Get a crane. Turn house right side up.
Bzzr Garden
Friday, Mar 3 @ 4:32pm
Hebb 12
Bring your own mug!
"Atomic Friday"
•
Storm the Wall Challenge
to all Science Clubs
Ideas for prizes, e-mail
phYs$oc@phy$ics>ubc.ca
Let's start some friendly THE        FOUR       THIRTY-TWO
Monday, February 27, 1995
Election information blurbs...
Ali Behmard for Internal Vice President
Orin Del Vecchio for Internal Vice President
VOTE ORIN
Internal V.P.
This space traditionally filled with slogans, promises, credientials and
feeble attempts at sucking up to get votes. Not this time. Just a brief
public service announcement: Vote Orin, you'll be glad you did.
I promise.
Jay Garcia for Internal Vice President
James Li for Internal Vice President
Rst Osarhoe. l&aKyxi Intheback TmtaldagtDjai
IfiweMttfaglbr
Jay Garcia
Whyno^IkwwmyvvayaTJXiidSU^andlfeefa Beadessjcm
guarantee thattherepodsfromtr^
JAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMES
JAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMES
JAMES JAMES
JAMES VOTE FOR JAMES
JAMES JAMES U JAMES
JAMES INTERNAL VP JAMES
JAMES JAMES
JAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMES
JAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMESJAMES
Michelle McLeod for Internal Vice President
Fahreen Dossa for Executive Secretary
There once was a Rep named Michelle
Who thought SUS council so swell
She ran for Internal
Vice Prez, as y'all know,
So vote, or I'll see you in...Chem 160,
right???
The name's Fahreen and the game's you guessed it.
I'm a runnin' for secretary.
Experienced? Youbetcha. Qualified? Undoubtedly. But
best of all, I've got tons of ideas for tons of fun!! I have to
admit, I'm enthusiastic, hardworking, LOVE to party, and
you should definitely vote for me! So remember, Fahreen
for secretary, and I"LL MAKE SURE you won't regret
it...
Vote Fahreen!
SUS Secretary
Dianna Kyles for Executive Secretary
Tessa Moon for Executive Secretary
SUSEXEHJIWESraOTA^
- I've got the experience
- I've got the credentials
- I'm committed to be a Science representative
to the AMS Council
- I know how to type
SO VOTE FOR THE ONE WHO'LL GET THE JOB
DONE!
SUSEKrKXJITVESECRErARY=DIAN>^KYLES Monday, February 27,1995
THE        FOUR       THIRTY-TWO
• •. or blatant sucks for votes.
Bella Carvalho for External Vice President
AH Sadeghi for External Vice President
Hi!
My name is Bella Carvalho, and I'm running for External VP. I've
been given this space to give a spiel about myself, but for lack of creativity, I'll just list my qualifications:
• I've been involved in SUS since my 1st year, last year as an
executive
• I am involved with the AMS council, and have attended
numerous meetings (both as a proxy and voluntarily!)
• I have developed good relations with other undergrad societies
• I have helped put on science week for the past 2 years.
• I am dedicated to making next year one of the best ever for
SUS!
So make sure you get out and vote...for me!!!
Selina Billesberger for Director of Finance
lena Billesberger
for T?tKE€mfheF1rtiANCE
"If you don't like someone, the way he holds his
spoon makes you furious; if you like him, he can
turn his plate over into your lap and you won't mind."
Just a little something from me to you.
P.S. I have the necessary experience and insight to
make next year the most profitable ever, (for more
personal info see the Valentine's issue of the 432.)
Cuy Davis for Public Relations Officer
Howdy folks. The name is Guy Davis and I'm running,
no... more like speed walking for the position of Public
Relations Officer. I never was much for running and that
speed walking thing looks so silly it just has to be fun. Okay
Boys and Girls... here's the info: I'm a first: year science student with experience on SUS as Science One Rep. I like my
coffee shaken, not stirred. I love to sail, enjoy procrastination, and believe that studying on a friday night is a cardinal
sin. (Unless you're in Honours) Now that you know all
about me, get out there and vote Guy. Gracias Amigos.
Donatella Ciampi for Social Coordinator
DONATELLA
CIAMPI
for      SOCIA
CO-ORDMAT
DONATELLA is my name,
PARTYING is my game!
Vote for me
Cause I'll make you see
That life at UBC is more than just a
degree!!!
Deanna Braaksma for Director of Finance
nothing submitted for this candidate
Anna Carvalho for Publia Relations Officer
Elect Experience!
anna
carvalho
Public Relations Officer
Matt Wiggin for Social Coordinator
"Matthew has always been such a nice boy; the drugs really did seem to
help, when he remembered to take them. He was always so very helpful, taking me to the shops when I needed to pick up a few things, and
he did make such a wonderful cup of tea. I believe that one of his most
endearing qualities was his perseverance. Matt was rather mediocre at
whatever he pursued, but he never seemed to be phased. He always
pushed on, refusing to acknowledge his deficiencies. I'll miss Matthew
Wiggin dearly. If there's a heaven, I hope they bend the rules, and let
him in."
Reprinted from a Eulogy by the Queen Mother.
Matthew Wiggin for Social Coordinator. No, really. THE
FOUR
THIRTY
TWO
Monday, February 27, 1995
Sucks for non-
votes.
Tracy MacKinnon for President, acclaimed
No one's running against me! So, barring a large "no"
vote, I will be your Science President next year. But rest
assured, I do have some qualifications - I'm currently
SUS Public Relations Officer and have previously been
SUS 2nd Year Rep and SUS 1st Year Rep. So if you
find yourself at a poll, VOTE YES! And if you want to
get involved in SUS, come by Chem 160 and we'll get
you shackled to the wonderful institution of SUS as
well.
Vote Yes - Tracy MacKinnon for President
Blair McDonald for Director of Publications, acclaimed
Nareeta Lai for Director of Sports, acclaimed
Hi, my name is Nareeta Lai And I'm your
new Director of Sports. So come out and
vote YES!
Favourite Drink.
IF I HAVE A staple food, Kool-Aid is
it; it comes in a wide variety of
flavours, if s cheap (pennies a glass,)
and I can control the sugar (which,
coincidentally, is something my parents often use to describe my behavior
when introducing me to their friends.)
But most of all, I like the colour. Now
a lot of people my age seem
to harbour a prejudice against
it, and this really hurts my
feelings, especially since they
haven't really given it a fair
chance. So, I've decided to
raise awareness; reducing
ignorance is the first step in
making a change.
Most of my friends refuse
to drink the stuff, because they're sure
it must be toxic, so I feel that I have a
responsibility to defend my favourite
food in this respect. I called up the
people at Kraft (they make Kool-Aid,)
and they assured me that they've done
lots of Ld-50 tests on bunnies with
the stuff, and the only way you can
kill a mammal with it is to force feed
them the raw powder, shocks them to
death, because it's so sour (if you don't
believe me, try eating a package of the
unsweetened variety. It probably
won't hurt you...) But as far as the
toxicity of the stuff, the fact is that
only one or two of the chemicals can
actually get into your bloodstream,
and the dye certainly can't. (If it
could, I'd be green.) Even if it could,
how bad could something that green
really be for you? Everything else in
the world, with the possible exception
of chlorine gas is either harmless
(grass) or good for you (spinach.) Why
should Kool-Aid be any different?
A lot of people don't like Kool-Aid
because of the way it tastes. Now this
is a problem of perspective. Granted, if
you pick up a glass of green Kool-Aid
expecting the taste of freshly squeezed
limes, you're bound to be surprised
(not necessarily disappointed, but certainly surprised.) See, Kool-aid doesn't
taste like fruit at all. If s not even sup-
Matt
Wiggin
posed to. If it were, you'd think that
they'd at least use some sort of fruit in
making it besides the odd lemon and
lime used as models for the packaging.
Kool-Aid tastes like colour. Red tastes
red, regardless of whether it's
Rockadile Red, Cherry, or Strawberry.
All three of these flavours taste identical to me, and I'm as close to a
Kool-Aid connoisseur as it
gets. If, you place a glass of
green Kool-Aid to your lips
expecting to taste green, well,
you're now tasting it in the
way it's intended to be tasted.
Not only will you get find
what you're looking for, but
chances are you'll love it (providing it was mixed with an adequate
amount of sugar.) Think of it this way:
if you pick up a bzzr or cyder when
you want a gingerale, you'll be disappointed. It's not that these things
aren't good too, it's just that you're
using them in the wrong place. Bear
this in mind the next time you're getting a drink from the fridge, and you'll
be a whole lot happier.
If you buy everything that I said
above, but still don't think Kool-Aid is
a substance worthy of your respect,
give this some thought. The mixing of
taste with colour could be used
explaining colour to blind people.
Most people who are born blind all
have a desire to know what colours are
like, and rightly so. What better way
to introduce them to the rainbow
than through Kool-Aid therapy? Feed
them a glass of green, and tell them
"that's what green is like." I know it's
not quite giving them sight or anything, but at leas they'd be able to
appreciate descriptions involving
colour...
Give the stuff a chance. It only costs
about forty cents to mix up two litres,
and if nothing else, it makes city water
taste better. Finally> I've thrown in a
couple of drink recipes involving Kool-
Aid. They aren't all original; but they
aiegood.
SUPPLEMENTAL EXAMINATION POLICY
Effective now; for the 1994/95 Winter
Session and thereafter, supplemental
examination will no longer be available
any course in the Faculty of Science
(page 250 in the 1994/95 ubc Calendar) Monday, February 27,1995
THE       FOUR       THIRTY
TWO
health sciences
student association
$3 OOO.- for a computer,
modem, software, and
internet registration.
«we believe that a computer located
in the woodward library with a modern
and connected to the internet would
be an exciting and useful addition to
the services provided in the woodward
library, this computer would be
available for the use of all health
science students on a sign-up by
appointment basis.*
ubc library
$3 000-for a cd-rom
workstation in the
humanities and social
sciences division.
«cd-rom or online indexes are
particularly useful for students
because they permit more powerful
and precise searching, presently there
are five cd-rom workstations in
ridington room, even with a booking
system, students are not always able
to consult cd-rom sources in a timely
way. an additional workstation will be
, of tremendous benefit to students
ensuring timely access to these cd-
ronwererence tools.*
nursing
undergrad society
$2 200.- for a swimsuit
dryer in the ubc aquatic
centre.
•the ubcac's facrltry enhancement
committee has been working hard to
try to improve the building's facilities
and services, this purchase would
give many students the opportunity
to dry their swimsuits after use so
that the suit can be carried or stored
more conveniently.*
bachelor of medical
lab science class/95
$3 000- for the purchase
of a pentium computer
system with a colour
monitor.
•at present, fifty students are sharing
a 386 system to produce lab reports,
assignments, papers, and
presentation materials, high utilization
of this system and the requirement
for an upgrade to take advantage of
current and future communications
technologies has produced the need
for a second system, the present
system is inadequate to accomodate
both winter and summer students.*
family & nutritional
sciences undergrad
office
$3 000.- for a coin-
operated photocopier.
•due to the lack of a public
photocopier in the fnsc building,
making copies is a terrible
inconvenience, this would be a gift
that the graduating class could give
that wouTd benefit the upcoming
undergraduates using the fnsc
building.*
theatre students
association
$3 000.- for renovations
to the freddy wood theatre
green room.
•the green room at freddy wood
theatre is used by the many actors
and students in the department as a
preparation and design area for the
theatre's productions, its state of
repair has deteriorated over the years
and has never received any
renovations work, the tsa proposes
a gift that will give the green room a
facelift and make it into a usable
space again.
engineering
undergrad society
$3 000.- to assist in
funding the landscaping in
front of the newly-
renovated cheeze factory.
•the cheeze factory is truly a unique
building with a very long history for
engineering students of the past, our
efforts to landscape the area are part
of a plan to help keep this campus
landmark a centre for engineering
activities for many years to come.*
arts
undergrad society/ ,'
dean of arts office /
$3 000.- for a photocopier
and a card reader system
similar to those employed
in the libraries. f ■
•buchanan is withpdt a publically
accesible photocopier, causing a real
inconvenience-for the many students
in the faculj/and the other students
who attend classes in the building,
the addition of a photocopier could
be accomodated in c block buchanan,
^as part of the arts computing centre.*
every member of the
class of 95 is eligible
to vote for four of
these graduating class
gift proposals, and to
one free bzzr.
all students welcome.
grad class council
 — a   n , n   u   a   I
general
meeting
ALMA MATER SOCIETY
BC Student Government
1 march 1995
12.00-18.30
sub ballroom
Guide to Articus.
Doug Sewell
Columnist
IN RECOGNITION of the upcoming
Arts Week we thought it might be
nice to include in The 432 a taxonom-
ic identification system for some of
the Articus species' you may notice on
campus.
Articus englishicus
These common animals can be
viewed in there natural habitat in
many locations. Juvenile specimens
are often seen making espresso at
almost any Starbucks while more
mature specimens can be seen teaching English in schools all around the
world. Older specimens are often seen
licking stamps at local postal outlets.
Care must be taken with jthese creatures as they have the ability to leap
tall prose with a^ingle metaphor.
Articus flneartkus
This species can be identified by
their horned rimmed glasses, Value
Village clothing, and furry legs. There
natural habitat includes most
McDonald's restaurants and extending
to occasional Burger King locations. It
is suspected that the large number of
fast food restaurants is in fact a federal
conservation program for these beasts.
More intelligent members of this
species are suitable for Pavlovian
experiments. Members of this species
have a hard time dealing with life and
are thus often seen consuming specific
wild herbs and fungi in an attempt to
escape from reality.
Articus flnearticus emmcarr
This subspecies is known to inhabit
Granville Island as well as parts of the
downtown core where they can be
viewed busking on street corners.
They are also known for their holier
than thou attitude, possibly due to all
the paint fumes they have inhaled.
!-Puj
ujlu
Monday
March 6
4:32pm
Articus philisoflcus
This very elusive creature is able to
free itself from any trap by invoking
large words first spoken by unknown
ancestors. Due to social habitat pollution these beasts have been on a
steady decline since the 18th century
and have recently been placed on the
endangered species list. Wild preserves are presently being developed.
A captive breading program has been
suggested but is unknown if such a
population would be viable.
Articus poliscicus
As seen by their species name, these
creatures are the chameleons of the
Articus family. They were often been
miss classified into the scicus family
until, on closer inspection, it was
proven that they are as full of hot air
as any average member of the Articus
family. The largest BC population is
seen in Victoria, where the older
members of a tribe often participate in
a ritual called "pork barreling" in
which the dominant male gives away
large quantities of money in an
attempt to gain loyalty. Currently the
Wildlife Branch is drafting proposals
to reopen hunting on A. poliscicus due
to large numbers seen at the Law
Building. Do not closely approach
these animals as they are able to hurl
deadly insults vast distances.
UPCOMING
SUS Annual
General
Meeting
March 9, T:30
SUB Partyroom
PSA Bzzr
Garden
Buchanan A200
5:00 - later
Friday, March 3
•
Pre-OptAGM
Monday, Mar 13
5:30pm WOOD
TBA
•
Glasses for the
3rd World
Drop off at
Speakeasy or
SUB125D
KVIiNTS ■*stwwnv* w. 'j.Hin itw m
THEFOUR       THIRTY-TWO
Monday, February 27, 1995
Beep... "Hi, you've reached Rog...w
Roger
Watts
ANYONE who knows me will tell you
that I am a tough'guy to get a hold
of. I'm not exactly sure why this is; it's
not like I spend exorbitant amounts of
time, money or other resources making
sure any attempt at remote contact
eludes me. It just happens. Some people
are to phone conversation what 747s are
to airplanes - they can
accommodate 500 people at
once, log as much as thirteen hours of airtime without refuelling, and be found
just about anywhere. My
accessibility, on the other
hand, tends to equate somewhat more aptly to that of a
Stealth bomber. Impossible
to track down and gone before you
know it. Some people even deny that I
exist.
In this light, I am often counselled by
my peers on the inherent advantages in
stepping into the twentieth century and
putting the current communications
technology to good use. Apparently,
voice-mail's just not good enough anymore. That, and the fact that most
smoke signals tend to violate new
municipal clean-air ordinances. At any
rate, it seems that the outside world's
success in establishing a stable link with
me rests solely on my acquiring something a little more, shall we say, immediate in the way of getting my attention.
I must admit, I am feeling a little
behind the times. And not just in the
messaging department, either; I was
most chagrined to find that NHL '95,
while working marvelously on my
friend's Genesis, performed relatively
poorly on my Atari. But then again, Pong
ain't no screamin' hell on a Genesis
either, so I guess it averages out. But I
digress.
As I was saying... it seems I'm one of
the last people I know that does not
have a little Beeping Black Thing hanging from my belt. Most of my friends
have at least one sort of Little
Beeping Black Thing on their
person at all times. They seem
to be divided in to three types:
1) Pagers. These are small,
lightweight, inexpensive
devices designed to inform you
when someone is calling you.
Well, okay, that's the theoretical
rationale behind them; they are
in fact intended to look snappy
hanging off your belt and make you feel
all decked out and well-equipped like
Batman (mercifully, the rest of the costume is optional). I actually knew a guy
in my biochem lab who told me that he
wore a pager - and I am not making this
up - "mostly just for cosmetic reasons."
It tooka while for me to realize that h£.
was wearing this thing not because he
actually needed to hear from people, but
because he thought it was cool. What
should have given it away was the fact
that he was wearing the thing right
smack front-and-center over his crotch
like a membership badge from the Most
Important Guy In The World Club. But,
after thinking about it a bit, I decided
that it was there most likely because it
was one of those new pagers that
vibrates instead of beeping.
2) Cellular Phones. These little devils
are generally bigger than pagers, and
with good reason - they're far more
interesting. As I said, with a pager, you
generally get the Batmanesque feeling of
utility-belted readiness to dash off to the
nearest phone. But with a c-phone, you
get more of a James Bond kind of feel -
with a flip of the fingers, plans can be
made and messages relayed without
even setting down the Martini and getting up from the blackjack table, all the
while secure in the knowledge that all
this wonderful technology is fantastically expensive to use.
The Bond thing also gets carried over
in the sense that, just by talking on the
phone in the middle of a crowded
restaurant, nearby patrons you've never
seen before occasionally jump out of
their chairs without warning and
attempt to kill you (or at least prevent
the fateful message's successful transmission by shoving the phone up your
nose).
3) Official Star Trek Tricorder -
Generally, anyone who walks around
with one of these things on their belt all
day should probably be avoided altogether. If you ever happen to see someone actually talking into one (much less
appearing to hear an answer), grab the
first guy with a c-phone you see and call
thepolice.
I'm happy to say that the people I
know who own one of the above are
generally justified in doing so. Of course,
now that they've all got one, they all
have to remember each other's numbers.
And I gotta tell ya, they do it in the most
bizarre way imaginable.
Generally, remembering a phone
number is facilitated by using the letters
corresponding to the numbers on the
phone keypad and spelling out familiar
words with them; for instance, by friend
Frank's office number at the AMS was
UBC-LIMO (822-5466). And you're not
gonna believe this, but my home phone
number this summer was - get this -
SEX-ITEM. No kidding. You shoulda
seen the look on my roommate's face
when he figured it out.
Sadly, we were required to relinquish
this listing when we moved, and were
subsequently relegated to 264-WANK.
Doesn't quite have the same ring to it,
does it?
Anyway, the problem with my friends
is that when their numbers don't spell
anything logical, they make up fictional
words for them, somehow believing that
this will make them easier to recall.
Things like 266-SNAW. What the hell is
snow? And that's one of the easier ones;
some of the other ones spell words that,
when pronounced, sound more like a
bad gastrointestinal illness than anything else. The first time I heard one of
them, I wanted to hand the guy a bottle
of Maalox.
Don't get me wrong; they're nice people and all, but they're just not the folks
with which you'd want to, say, play
Team Scrabble for a dollar a point.
However, it makes everyday phone dialing an adventure in itself, so who's complaining?
So I don't know. Maybe I should get
one of these things. I have to admit,
there's a certain calm serenity in knowing that I can simply not be found from
time to time, but then again, I Wouldn't
want to miss anything. So I appeal to
the public - got any advice? Feel free to^
call and let me know if you have any
suggestions.
And don't forget to wait for the beep.
SCIENCE ELECTIONS
Elections for
Internal Vice President
External Vice President
Director of Finance
Executive Secretary
Public Relations Officer
Social Coordinator
YES/NO for
President
Director of Publications
Director of Sports
March 1-3
Poll Booths located in CHEM,
WESB, HENN, SUB, HEBB
(Mon/Wed), COMPSCI (Tues)
Bring your AMS card to vote
election:*
ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE
SCIENCE
UBC

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