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UBC Publications

The 432 Feb 27, 1991

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Volume 4 Number 12        The Tf ewSpaper for Science Students        Wednesday, Feb. 27, 1991
Nostradamus predicts SUS
election results
Winner to be
Gluba the Talking Bread Yeast,
by a landslide
(SUS) A leaked document has revealed
that certain obscure passages written by
Nostradamus, legendary prophet and
Curling Skip, actually predict the outcome of the upcomimg SUS executive
A number of passages recently discovered in the attic of a distinguished scholar
are purported to be original writings of
Nostradamus, and historians are abuzz at
the very precise and direct references to
SUS elections.
One passage states
For three days, in the. time of great trouble,
there will emerge many who will climb
for the throne. Some will not make it.
Some will go to other places.
Historians are certain thatitrefers to the
fact that SUS Executive Elections will be
held on March 6,7,8, in Hebb, Wesbrook,
Chem,Wood, Hebb, and CompSci.
Another passage, a little more vague,
refers to the actual candidates running in
the election
When the moon is away, the boar and the
walrus will dance with the cock and the
donkey. The balding rhinoceros will get a
nosebleed and eve?y where people will
yell out their choice s and their choice will
be the one that wears a large red furry
patch. They will all bring their cards.
Quite obviously, the balding rhinoceros is a reference to the current SUS
President Catherine Rankel, whose
childhood nickname was "Old Balding
Rhinoceros Breath." The dance between
the animals refers to the electoral process
and the intense campaigning. The bringing of the cards refers to how all voters
must bring their AMS cards to vote. The
obscure reference to theLargeFurry Patch
is confusing, but many agree that it foretells of the SUS changing its logo to one
with body hair on it.
Currently, there are thirteen people
running for positions on the executive.
The contested positions are President,
AMS Rep, Executive Secretary, External
Vice President, and Director of Finance.
Only the Director of Publications (Patrick Redding), Internal Vice President
(Sandra Mah), and the Sports Director
(Jaret Clay) are uncontested. Uncontested
positions hold YES/NO votes on the
This paper cleared by military censors
Physsoc issues the mother
of all resolutions
(Hennings) The Physics Society today issued its terms for a cease fire in the Gulf
Crisis, stating that all demands must be met
before the cessation of hostilities.
Under Physsoc Security Council Resolution #7, the Physics Society resolved to
continue its campaign against the Iraqi
military until the unconditional surrender
of all Iraqi troops as well its compliance
with the previous Physsoc resolutions as
outlined in Issue #2 of Volume 4 of The
432. Those resolutions outlined, among
other things, a list of items restricted, that
may not be sold to Iraq or agents of Iraq.
Those items were chalk dust:, Physics 110/
115 April Exam Solutions, doughnuts, small
rocks, thermonuclear weaponry, and Don
Ho records, LP, or 8 -track (Security Council
Resolution #4 upgraded to include CDs).
The Physics Society has, lor the past six
weeks, been operating an elite Geek Brigade, a subversive commando team whose
aims are to destroy the fighting morale of
the Iraqi army by doing such things as
reducing the speed of light in Iraq to make
the nights last longer, and mounting a
propaganda campaign that Stephen Hawking has solved the renormalizability problem in quantum gravity (thereby demoralizing the troops to the point that they will
lose their will to fight).
In a brief statement, the Physics Society
The 432
said the following:
"Whereas Iraq has still not complied with
the Physsoc demands as outlined earlier,
the Physics Society will continue the war
1) the unconditional surrender of all
Iraqi forces
2) Iraq agrees to comply with the
post-war demands as outlined herewith.
"These demands are as follows:
"i) That the country of Iraq add a V
to its name so as to no longer unduly alarm
English 100 students:
ii) That the Iraqi government refrain from using further gender-specific
revolutionary rhetoric and henceforth only
employ gender-neutral revolutionary
rhetoric (ie the parent of all battles)
iii) That Kuwait and Iraq shake
hands and say they are sorry and Iraq
promises not to invade another country
iv) That Iraq do 1000 hours of community work as restitution for the destruction of Kuwait
v) That Iraq, in honour of the victorious Physsoc Geek Brigades, change then
name of the city of Basra to "Dorkville."
"If such demands are not met,
Physsoc will intensify its campaign to include some or all of the following:
i) The beaming, on all frequencies,
of Physsoc Propaganda, including, but notj
limited to, Feynman Undergraduate Lectures, Physsoc Noon Hour Lectures on Lin
ear Programming.
ii) Faulty tutorial sessions in which
Iraqi gunners are instructed that the value of
g is no longer 9.8 m/s2, but 12.8 m/s2,
thereby making their calculations all wonky,
thereby making them miss their targets.
iii) The showering of Iraqi troops
with leaflets instructing them that if they
surrender they will all be given complementary Physsoc memberships, with their
own personal carrell to share with only four
hundred and nineteen other Iraqis.
iv) The spreading of rumours that
Saddam Hussein does NOT have a degree
in Slavonic Studies, and is, infact six credits
short, causing the soldiers to flee their
trenches in terror.
v) Vicious psychological warfare in
which problem sets to Physics 304 are
dropped into Iraqi trenches with a due date
of one week, with incorrect measured values given and faulty fundamental coupling
constants, thereby distracting the Iraqi
soldier's time trying to solve problems of
fundamental quantum harmonic oscillators
that have faulty spring constants.
"If Iraq chooses to comply with the demands it must reply in writing, in Swahili
Pig Latin, in orange ink, by midnight yesterday."
Hugh Leung
Giovanna Yassone
Executive Secretary
Patrick Lutn
Carmen McKnignt
Mike Hamilton
Ken Satake
External Vice
Erik Jensen
Peter Lo
Dave Dyment
Brad Hughes
Internal Vice
Sandra Mah
Director of
Patrick Redding
Sports Director
Jaret Clay
Polling booths in
Hebb, Chem,
Wesbrook, Wood*
v Compsci,
March 6>7>8.
February 27,1991 I've got the flu. I've had it for a week
now.and I'm just getting better. My One And
Only gave it to me when she had it, so we
could have it together. SHE'S better now,
having lured me near enough so that the Bug
could jump onto me and off of her. Now I've
got nobody to give it to, because she warned
all my friends not to come near me.
But there was a brief romantic phase where
we both had the flu together and spent the day
in bed, arguing over who got to hold the
Her: Gimme that, I want to watch Sally
Jesse Raphael SNORRRRRT.
Him: We watched that Yesterday! CACK!
WHEEZE! I want to watch TSN!
the stupidCOUGH COUGH HAWKremote!
Him: Here! Just HAWK! take HAWK! the
HAWK! HORRRK! SPIT! damned thing.
Howromantic! There'snothing sweeter than
two people in love lying beside each other,
coughing phlegm onto each other.
Usually, though, we'd lie without touching,
a Maginot Line of used kleenex between us,
and watch whatever was on without comment.
And I've discovered a really subtle difference between males and females this way, in
the way that they blow their noses. If you
don't believe me, just watch someone next
time. Women go HONK, WIPE, SNIFF and
daintily discard the used kleenex. Men, on the
other hand go HONK, WIPE, SNIFF, then
PEEK, to see if there's anything interesting in
their kleenex. There never is. I mean, what are
we expecting to see when we look? Do we
think we've blown out the Hope Diamond?
And why do we look? Are we going to discuss
it if we find something particularly interesting? "Murray, get a load of this booger I've
Top Ten East Van
Excuses for not
Doing Homewok
by Aaron Drake
10.1 didn't make bail.
9. There was homework?
Hand over your wallet.
8.1 didn't do it.
7.1 didn't do it. You got a
problem with that?
6.1 said, hand over your
wallet, NOW.
5.1 haven't copied it off of
someone yet.
4. My parole officer ate it.
3. Huh?
2. What?
1. Huh?
One flu Over the
Cuckgo 's 9{est
blown out of my nose, here." It's just another
way of telling men from women, Really.
But now, I'm all alone, and I have to answer
the phone myself. It's on the other side of the
room, and I don't always make it (Hello, you
have reached the home of Aaron Drake. I am
currently still stumbling towards the phone
right now and expect to reach it sometime
within the hour, so if you'll just hold the
line...), but when I do, I'm usually half conscious, delirious from the effects of standing
up after being my back for a week solid.
Me: Hello.
Voice: Hello, is Aaron Drake there?
Me: Ummm...ril go check.
(fifteen minutes later)
Me: Hello.
Voice: Hello? Aaron?
Me: Ummm....ril go check.
Sometimes I'm lucky and the person on the
other line recognizes my voice.
Me: Hello?
Voice: Aaron! Hi!
Me: Al! Boy, it's good to here from COUGH
Voice: Aaron?
Me: Ummm...FH go check
{And don't expect anything too spectacular
out of this paper, this week. It's hard to be a
domineering tough-guy editor when you've
got a wheeze (Look, I'm telling you to get
your article on on time or else COUGH
I've moved downstairs, if only for a change
of scenery. I never realized how intensely
boring the hours between 10:00 am and3:00pm
really are. There's nothingon television. I tried
to watch on of those Soaps - which brings me
to an interesting question: why are they called
soaps? There's nothing clean about them at
all. But fifteen minutes into it, I had to turn it.
Soap Operas are not the thing to watch when
you have the flu.
Ashley: Oh Scarlett! They've just electrocuted my evil ex-wife and now my Grandmother has AIDS! I need six thousand dollars
to pay the mortgage on the orphanage.
Scarlett: Ashley, you stud-muppet! How
can you think of economics at a time like this?
This dress clashes with the rug. I'd better
exchange it!
Ashley: But Scarlett! I have to pay the
Scarlett: Oh Ashley, you have such unfaltering principles! I'll write you a check just as
we fade to commercial!
Me: The dress, dammit! What about the
damned dress! Take COUGH back COUGH
HACK COUGH the damned dress!
I try not to watch the Soaps any more. To
pass the time, I've invented anew game called
Boogerball. The rules are simple:
1) Blow nose.
2) Peek.
3) Throw balled-up kleenex at cats.
4) Score one point for a direct hit.
Isn't that a great game? My cats hate me. My
Girl Friend hates me, because for the past two
days when she comes home, she has to chase
the cats about the house and peel dried kleenex
off of their fur. My room mates hate me
because walking through the living room is
like walking through a marsh, and if they're
not careful they'll step in a puddle of used
kleenex. The post man hates me because I kill
time by lurking on the other side of the mail
slot and pushing the mail back at him.
My mommy, on the other hand, loves it
when I'm sick. She lives to nurse me back to
health whenever I ail. Just yesterday, she
faxed me some chicken soup.
In Ten Words or Less
by Ed Short
(In Ten Words or Less is a regular column by
Ed Short, master of Precis, who presents
political opinions in ten or less words, not
including the title)
Friend or Foe. Peace-
Curtain Who Have Built
Walls, and Then Torn
Them Down. Run Over
People With Tanks. And
Then Run Over More
People With Tanks, the
Spotty Headed Men of
The Kremlin Who
Communist      Russia: Launched Sputnik.Raced
With Americans For
Decades Building A Nuclear Arsenal. Murdered
and Persecuted Millions.
Won the 1981 Canada
Cup. Drugged Their Olympic Athletes. Started
and Ended the Cold War,
and Brutally Suppressed
Their Own Citizens With
the Same Army That Once
Stood Ready to Sweep
Across Europe
It could be worse; they could be Socreds.
makers or Head Breakers,
a Kindler Gentler Nation
Struggling for Its Survival
and Trying to Carve Out
a Niche in the New World
Order or an Evil Empire
That Fooled Us All With
Its Supposed Reforms —
Here at Last is My Opinion of the Soviets, the Red
Menace That Helped End
World War Two but Almost Started a Third bv
Putting Missiles in Cuba.
the Mysterious Denizens
From Behind the Iron
Tiia^s flteway ft <ttasF Wednesday,
February %%\m.
The 438 is produced two monthly by the
Science Mpdergraduate Society. We are
afwsys on &e looted for Soe witem
isspwjafiy siacfttbc editor 3s beginning to
burnout Help help help.
Office vtTh* 4SZx ChemlSO
Tit* 432
c/» Dean of Science
Caiveisfty of Brltfsh Columbia
Va»couv«r BC
Telephone; 22&4BS
Editor: Aaron Drafca
Writers and Contributors: Aaron Drake,
Tanya Rose* Patrick. Redding, Antonia
Rozario, DavidNew^DerelcMtller* Rachel
Farrall, Trent Hammer, Alan Douglas,
Artiste; Patrick. Redding
Layout and Pasteup; Aaron Drake
Copyright 19$ t. All works ar« copyrighted
in the name of the author. If no name is
affixed to the work, it is wpyrighted-ia&e
name of Aaron Drake,
Circulation: 40BG* my mom, and an old
friend in Trail BC< Hi Scott.
.Printed by College: Printers
Any slrnJJMties, in part or in w&oJe, &
persons living or dead, might t» a. <jainei-
dance. If it's really fonay, than we probably did it on purpose. De.aJ with it.
The 432
Sales Manager
for SUS for the 91/
92 School year.
Total control of
purchases & marketing.
5% cash commission + 5%
clothing commission on
gross sales.
Chem 160
Entertainment 91
Coupon Booklets
are available
SUS (Chem 160)
while supplies last.
February 27,1991 Academic Nightmares of an
Overinflated Underachiever
I'm sure all
students have
courses that stick
out in their
minds more so
than others. For
some, this may
be because they
got an exceptionally high grade in the class or,
more possibly, because their marks were
considerably greater than their study efforts.
Other courses remain memorable because of
the tremendous learning experience they bestowed on the students or because of the
impressionable nature of the professor who
taught them.
While these notions are certainly quaint,
they have had little or no bearing on my
academic life at UBC. Rather, I tend to remember courses because of the inconvenience, annoyance and general psychological
harm they caused me. I am an exceptionally
neurotic and calculating individual and I am
far more likely to brood over a particular
course that made me homicidal than I am to
remember a specific elective that improved
my life immeasurably.
In listing the most horrifying courses I have
had to take at UBC, I hope to enlighten the
students who may be foolishly contemplating
whether or not to take these classes. While ihe
comments are my oWn and do not necessarily
represent the views of all science students
who have taken them, I'm sure there are many
students who feel the way I do. Read on and
forward all complaints to the proper authorities if you feel the need.
Mathematics 100 (Calculus I)
No student would take this course unless he
or she absolutely had to. The only problem is,
every science student ABSOLUTELY HAS
to take this course. It is a thorn in the side of
any individual who didn't take calculus in
high school and is, in my opinion, the reason
why so many students drop out of science in
first year.
The first time I took it, I knew within the
third week that I was going to fail. My only
hope was that everyone else in the class would
fail as bad also and that final grades would
have to be jacked up 30-40%, I had no such
The lecture notes I took remain completely
incoherent to me and I am convinced that the
early mathematicians who thought up theses
concepts were e denied oxygen al: birth. M 0re
so, the textbook was completely useless and
would have had the same academic value if it
had been written in Sanskrit or presented in
Morse Code.
Biology 201 (Cell Biology II: Intro.to Biochemistry)
While the professor of this course was exceptionally patient and kind and awarded me
a charitable 75/150 at the end of the year, the
subject matter itself sucked coagulated head
My only solace was the knowledge that
everyone else in the class was as mentally
taxed as I. While detailed investigation into
the Urea Cycle may be enthusing for some, I
prefer to focus my attention on more stimulating subjects like world peace or effective
weight reduction techniques.
Classical Studies 301 (Technical Terms of
Medicine and Biological Sciences)
Anyone who has ever talked to me about
university life is aware of the fact that I took
this course and hated it.
The premises behind this class are simple -
you either have to study for it regularly or you
have to learn how lo cheat effectively. As I
was unwilling to do either, my marks were
frighteningly low.
All things considered, though, the major
peeve I had with this course was that so many
of my peers found it simple. While I could
handle the fact that several students were
getting high 80 and. 90 percentages, the fact
that they were blatantly advertising it made
me want to roll their faces in manure.
Biology 300 (Biometrics)
This is the most horrific course I have ever
taken, bar none. Upon registering for the
course, I suspected that my statistical retardation and COMPLETE computer illiteracy
would hinder my chances of a First Class
standing. Little die! I know that my minor
intellectual handicaps would cause me to endure almost two ye ars of biostatistical constipation.
Biology 414 (Evolution)
If taken seriously, this course could prove to
be the easiest science course offered on campus. The subject ma iter is very interesting and
the professor teaching it is charming, witty
and very good looki ng (Can we say someone
needs a summer job in the Zoology department?!?).
During the first lecture students are told that
they have THE OITION of handing in a
comprehensive term paper worth 50% of the
total final grade. However, everyone with a
social life or indecision about the benefits of
medical school opts to NOT write the paper
and have the final exam worth 100%
Now any student wanting to know what it
feels to write a fourth year Biology final exam
that is worth 100% can do so by pulling out
their small intestine!; and stuffing them firmly
into the clamped jaws of a vice-grip. Visions
of spazzing out in the examination room
(hereby defined as screaming, yodelling, or
completely undressing within view of the
adjudicators) plagued my every waking moment for several weeks before and AFTER the
final exam. Although I passed this course with
a respectable mark, I am emotionally scarred
from this traumatic experience and still find it
hard not to cringe whenever people mention
the words "Darwin,'' "Lamarck," or "Horse
Antonia Rozario is a regular columnist for
The 432, bur. she still does her school-
work. .. t«miito« i*>.
Now accepting applications for FroCos for the
1991/92 school year. Apply in SUB 216A
phone 228-5213
AMS First Year Student Program
Patrick Redding
SUS Minister of Propaganda
(Directoras Publicationus)
We recently received a telegram from
Dik Miller in Belgrade, Yugoslavia. It read:
So, here's a rare non-Dik Miller story.
We hope you enjoy it. If you don't, Derek's
fired. Tee hee.
My roommate and I were flipping through
the TV channels Tuesday when we realized
that we lie about our viewing habits. I'm
pretty sure most of you do the same thing. You
know those shows you shouldn't watch or that
you say you hate. It's 3 o'clock and you're
dozing on the couch. You'll watch "Sally
Jesse Raphael" if it's on. C'mon, admit it.
"Wheel of Fortune." Yeah, I watch that too. I
like "Night Court."But there are certain things
I can't stand for even a few seconds. Some of
them are even socially acceptable.
1. Gulf War "home front" stories. I'm
sorry, but I just can't take these anymore.
News from the Gulf itself is so censored and
sanitized that the news shows don't know
what else to put on, but if I see another profile
of a family whose dad or mom or son or
daughter is off at war, I'll puke. Yeah, it's
stressful when your relatives are away, but
most of them are flying in aircraft and bombing the crap out of Iraq, and are in less danger
than if they rode a bus, where they might get
flattened by an overweight passenger if it
stops too quickly. And the families being
profiled are perfectly safe. What about the
people in Baghdad? What about kids starving
in Africa? What about the 60% of murders of
women that are committed by their husbands
or lovers? These things are all important, and
they're being ignored to show stories about
families who are worried about their relatives
doing their jobs - especially on American
networks. Someone's priorities are twisted.
2. Kim Clarke Champniss. MuchMu-
sic's most annoying veejay, with a voice as
grating as Robin Leach's, the interview skills
ofMorton Downey Jr., and a name that makes
him more pretentious than Sting, David Lee
Roth, and Sinead O'Connor combined. My
fingers mash the remote when he appears. I
wish he'd just go away.
3. Real Canadian Superstore commercials. Not only are they poorly written,
they're insulting. A while back they were
saying, "Well, we gave you the option of
using reusable, stronger plastic bags instead
of our flimsy, chuckable ones, but you didn't
listen, so now we're charging you 3 cents
apiece for the flimsy ones, just like Save On
Foods. So there, mlah, mlah, mlah." I was
really offended, because they made me and
Save On, where I shop, seem like real
scumbags. And besides, their stores are so
green and yellow and ugly, and they're so
badly organized that the cheese is in two
different places, neither of which are near the
milk, thatl'm never going there again. Unless
I find something really cheap, that is.
4. U-TV. Okay, sometimes they may
have good shows, but whose idea was it to call
it "U-TV," like it was my TV station or
something? Some marketing firm, I bet. Well,
pththpthpthpthpththt! to them.
5. Infomercials. Oooh, these really steam
me. Half an hour of advertising for miracle
hair growth, real estate seminars, underarm
shavers, or some other completely useless and
fraudulent product, and they make it look like
a news show. How stupid do they think I am?
"Oh, gee, this shampoo must be something
really special. They've devoted the whole
newscast to it." Yeah sure. Soon they'll be
selling products that alleviate the stress of
having your spouse away in the Gulf. Arrgh.
6. "COPS." I watched this for the first
time on Tuesday, and I couldn't believe it. A
whole show of police officers breaking the
law! Female officers pretending to be prostitutes and entrapping guys on the street. Male
officers arresting people without just cause.
Asking people on the street for ID when
they're not allowed to. Being overly violent.
And then the show makes them out as heroes!
I just wanted to shut off the TV and blow up
the nearest Robin's Donuts.
7. "Canadian Fishing Special" on TSN.
As far as I'm concerned, fishing is about as
interesting as cricket, or maybe glacier watching. Having a show on it is just plain ridiculous.
8. New Kids on the Block. I watch a fair
amount of MuchMusic, but the whole principle of this "band" offends me. Although I
have to admit that Donnie Wahlberg is a better
rapper than Vanillalce.thatisn'tsaying much.
(Mr. Ice, by the way, rates right up there with
Kim Clarke Champniss in my book.)
9. "Smith & Smith." In case you've
missed this travesty of aprogram, I'll give you
the rundown so you don't have to watch it.
Basically, it's a variety show (remember those
from the 70's?) starring a husband and wife
team who can't sing, can't act, and who aren't
funny. Sounds great, eh?
10. United Buy & Sell Furniture
Warehouse. I'll say no more.
Derek Miller has ben writing about the
Dikster since high school. Apparently,
Derek has.hit the wall. Burnout is not a
pretty sight.
The 432
February 27,1991 Hugh Leung
candidate for
I have been a part of the Science Undergraduate Society Council for three years
now. During my time here, I have seen the
society change a great deal. From a relative
inactive group with a small office in Scarfe 9,
the SUS has become a big part of science
students. Not only does it now occupy a much
larger office in Chem 160 which provides
many services to students, it has also greatly
increased its participation in the areas of
Sports, Academics, and Sales. The SUS is
now a very well know undergraduate society
on campus, and it is a hard act for others to
follow. As president, I would like to continue
this trend and contribute new ideas to add to
the success of the society. Being an executive
from this year, I have learned a great deal
which will help me achieve this goal.
Gio Vassone
SUS President
I'm a 3rd year Animal
Biology major and my
main goals are to improve
communication between
students and SUS council
members, between
students and faculty, and
most of all to bring
enthusiasm to SUS
Mike Hamilton
Why? Because I love you.
Hi. I'm Ken Satake and I'm running for Student
Council Representative. I'm a frosh, and running
for the sole purpose of avoiding three more years of
lo ^y W 4ie sbff
K'^Ufcd t'S Uurlo. Our
si&pri) €h06{
Currently a 3rd year Science Rep, I'm the
only candidate for D of F with
experience on SUS.
Brad Hughes for SUS Executive
Position: -Director of Finance
Education:     -UBC Science Year 2
- Director of Finance (labour sector) for Park Ridge
Homes ($40 000 annual budget)
- Chairman of the Board, YAM ministries
-Owner/Operator of Firewood Supply Company
Goals: - Application of extensive practical training in
business experience to forthright allocation of Science
Undergraduate Society funds
The 432
February 27,1991 The Radical Beer
P^jxicO^ Presents:
Erik Jensen
for SUS External Vice-President
Erik is running for External V.P
(read: "the guy in charge of parties").
He's a natural! Our precision-crafted,
nordic-engineered candidate comes with
a one year warranty on good beer and
great fun. Just wait until you experience
the look and feel of a Radical Beer Party
put on by an innovative, experienced SUS
Council member; we know you'll be
impressed. No joke.
For: External Vice President
I will use my extensive partying experience as a member
has ever seen!
Patrick Lum
-Currently the 2nd year Science Rep
-Member of SUS Academic & Budget Committees.
-An active and outspoken loudmouth on behalf of
SUS and its members
-wants to make everyone in science: feel all warm
and fuzzy
Executive Secretary
My name is Carmen McKnight and I'm running for the position
of S.U.S. Executive Secretary. As a third year Geology student I
have been involved with many university activities. In particular,
I have involved myself with Intramurals, the G.M. Dawson Club
and Physsoc. At present, I am the Secretary/Treasurer of the
Physics Society and the acting Executive Secretary of S.U.S., so I
am familiar with the duties of the position I am running for. I will
continue to work hard for S.U.S. if given the opportunity and
would welcome your support in the upcoming elections.
SUS Exectuvie Elections will be held on March 6,7,8 at
Chem, Hebb, Wood, CompSci, Wesbrook. Bring your
AMS Card to vdte.
I'm Sandra Mah, a 4th Yr.
Biochem-type, and I'm
running for
Internal Vice-President.
Why? Well, I think that my experience (as 3rd Yr Rep, 4th Yr Rep,
Elections Commissioner and Science
Week 91 Co-ordinator) will help me
make sure next year's Council! runs
BESIDES, no one else is running!! So,
please get out and vote YES!
JA!   YES!
Jaret Clay for
Sports Director
-one year as Intramurals Assistant
-one year as SUS representative for
Psychology Students Association
-one year on Executive of the First
Year Student Program as Campaign
-to increase overall participation
•to accumulate more Intramural
Sport Points than all the other
faculties combined
Jaret Clay -your best choice for
SUS Sports Director
Jaret Clay - Your only choice for
SUS Sports Director
The 432
February 27,1991 The Big Sleep
by David New
ifeLv'' GO M^J
My cat seems to like sleeping. One seldom
comes across her when she's other than atoms
of calico fur, pulsating softly, much like a
once-proud neutron star gone to seed, or a
Cepheid variable with too much time on its
hands. She purrs when awakened, as if happy
to rejoin the world of the living, but quickly
nods off again once she's verified her benefactor's existence, to sleep some more until a
dinner should happen by.
Any student who feels envious of the above
description may reasonably count as normal.
A recent study by the Schlafer Society for
Student Sleep Studies has shown that setting
foot beyond Wesbrook Mall (the left foot,
specifically) causes a 38.2% reduction in books
read annually, a 45.7% drop in nutrition, a
remarkable 78.1% plunge in caring about the
AMS, and, significantly, a 21.0% rise in sleep-
related injuries.
Embedded within the concept of sleep-
related injury, a blanket term invented by the
researchers, lies any physical or mental harm
whose ultimate provocation involved the
awakening, or falling asleep, of one or more
individuals. The collapse of a four-poster bed
onto one's prostrate form (0.2%), the anguish
caused by dreaming one has missed a midterm
(7.1 %), the wrath of a professor who bizarrely
insists upon attentiveness in class (14.9%) —
all these fall well within its bounds.
Cumulatively, from the trivial to the most
CNN: The Cable
Neural Network
M. Hoenig drew my attention to the
most recent issue of the free magazine Computer Paper which contained a short article by
P. Zucker that described an unusual phenomena which has emerged in the ongoing coverage of the Gulf War. This war is of course
unique in both the unprecedented level of live
news coverage, and the extreme constraints
placed on the media in the field by the military. It is generally accepted that CNN is the
primary unofficial source of information on
Gulf events, even for Iraqi, Saudi and Israeli
viewers. But with the flow of real information
reduced systematically to a sanitized trickle,
the networks (CNN included) who are attempting to provide around the clock updates
have been compelled to resort to the old standard: the panel of experts. These live brainstorming sessions usually involve at least one
retired military officer, a gaggle of intelligence analysts, and often a veteran member of
the press. The lot of them try to out-speculate
one another, frequently with restated versions
of the same guess, and because inevitably
these people will feel that their experience is
being called into question, what starts out as
cautious extrapolation evolves headlong into
a reputation-staked certainty.
Those of us who have wasted enough
The 432
debilitating, sleep-related injuries account for
some two-thirds of student ailments. While
most are mere temporary conditions — such
as Buchanan Neck, a muscular atrophy brought
on by extensive Philosophy seminars — they
run the gamut from the discomfort of a pen-
pricked hand to the tragedy of the summer
several years ago when a reckless Physical
Plant employee fell asleep at his steamroller,
driving it off the Point Grey cliffs and horribly
crushing a legion of unprepared sunbathers.
The Society's report failed to draw any
conclusions correlating specific injuries with
individual faculties, but the high incidence of
radioactivity burns on the cross-campus listing does indicate a particular carelessness
among first-year Physics T.A.'s. On the other
hand, a phenomenon known as Vise Wrist, in
which the collapse of a sleeping body traps
one hand beneath a piece of heavy machinery,
ranked third overall, despite seeming restricted
to Engineering students.
Surprisingly dangerous is admitting to other
students that one has had over five hours of
sleep the previous night, especially before an
eight-thirty class — and if caffeine should be
present in the room, furthermore, the results
become even more dire. More cases of ostracism, astigmatism, and accidental pond immersion have been traced to such an admission than to any other, making the combined
symptoms of Happy Morning Loudmouth
second only to Caffeine Overdose in severity
and frequency.
Late last year, the Society published a similar study of the dangers of talking in one's
sleep. Collectively, these account for only
8.7% of total mishaps, but those 8.7% are
perhaps the most fascinating, and certainly
the most variegated. The 432 sent staff reporter Sven Schwarzhand to investigate current trends in sleep-talking; following are
excerpts from his eight-hour-long taped report.
"The beans without canned goods. No, no,
in the girdle. A secret society, you know.
Secret, yes, like goose pimples on a motorway. What's shame? We speak, speak, and
yes, speak. Follow that carparilla?"
"Furthermore, farther in fur, foufoura. Far
and captive you hear us when we know more
than you do, you all, always, you all of you.
Nothing hits! Hitting is batters are up."
"Tell me more about this secret society."
[This unidentified female voice appears numerous times on the recording, always coaxing Schwarzhand to be a trifle more lucid.]
"We're all around you and in the skyhooks.
We know what you look like when you're
changing. All is glossy, all is bright around the
gherkin, yum. Yum. Nine/nJWJondollars. Your
pizzas are ready now; thank you for calling
Schwarzhand also repeatedly mumbled a
mantra about there being "too much love in
the world for horses," but even our resident
semiotic analysts could make no sense out of
the remark. Nevertheless, they maintained, it
likely harboured some deep internal secret,
which we could use to blackmail Schwarzhand
very effectively if we could only figure it out.
Anxious not to increase the proliferation of
sleep-related blackmail activities (currently
hovering at 2.9% of white-collar crime), we
decided to refrain from closer scrutiny.
Despite such appalling statistics as those of
the S.S.S.S.S.'s study, the Workers' Compen-
sationBoardneither gives guidelines for sleep-
related injuries nor pays students who suffer
from such ailments. The 432's investigative
team was referred to a sheaf of undersecretar-
ial subcommittee reports, which cited the
unbelievable rationale that students do not
Presumably, they sleep instead.
David New has been writing for The 432
for two years now. You can catch him and
his funky laugh at any Aardvarks Anony-
Loose Canons
time watching western TV know the dance;
we have grown wary of these irresponsibly
reported statements, and can hopefully sort
out the facts from the fallacy. But imagine for
a moment the reaction of an Iraqi watching an
at best hasty translation of a quarter-hour-old
CNN broadcast, while bombs pound the refinery just a mile away. A particularly volatile
comment from some American who is an
acknowledged member of the military can be
picked up out of the context of speculation and
turned into a statement of intent or fact. In
Baghdad, or Riyadh, or Jerusalem, always
under the threat of air attack, the news of this
broadcast can spread at the street level rather
rapidly in the form of rumor. Needless to say,
under these conditions any rumor is going to
mutate quickly, but will likely survive in a
plausible yet extreme form. The comment "It
seems likely that if Saddam has nerve gas on
his Scuds, he will use them on Israel" can with
unnerving speed turn into "Saddam has nerve
gas on his Scuds. He will use them on Israel."
which in turn becomes "Saddam has launched
nerve-gas tipped Scuds at Israel."
Reporters from networks other than
CNN pick up on these bits of misinformation,
which are too apocalyptic to be ignored, and
report them back to New York or Washington.
Because the Big Three networks are really in
competition for viewers, there is an undeniable urge to twist things into as sensational a
story as possible. So the stern-faced anchor
for the whichever Special Report may be
quick to announce "Jerusalem has been reportedly hit with nerve-gas tippedScuds. You
heard it here first, folks." Now the ugly
chaotic cycle begins anew. What CNN hears
from CBS, it can't very well disregard now,
can it? So up pops Peter Arnett with the
disturbing news that"sources within theSaudi
military command" indicate a chemical
weapons attack has been staged against Israel.
Two guesses which highly-place intelligence
source provided that tidbit. Residents of Tel
Aviv begin scrambling for gas masks, or
experiencing hysterical gas-attack symptoms.
This is a classic feedback loop. Total
propagation time from CNN to CNN: 15
minutes minimum. Not very long at all. The
vicious irony of this scenario is that it illustrates the very mechanism that, in the messy
wet network of neurons that makes up our
brains, allows us to recognize obscure patterns, remember things given the smallest
clues and make surprisingly fast and accurate
estimates of principles far too abstract for any
IBM. The fact is, memory and pattern recognition are robust because they tolerate a certain amount of error before eventually settling
into the stable "best guess." But if you build
a neural network out of components that are
continually generating their own information,
more or less randomly, then the system becomes quite unreliable. The stable points that
would normally correspond to true and accurate pieces of complex information instead
become occupied by complete misinformation, which though self-perpetuating and essentially consistent, is none the less false.
The lesson to be learned: One Source
of information is at least as bad as No Source.
In the weeks to come, as the ground campaign
rages, and the military clamps down even
more on press coverage, we will witness the
extrema of the above phenomena. Maybe
there is some critical threshold beyond which
this system will simply blow up, and our holy
anchorpeople will stare at the cameras, totally
secure in their sense of truth and with completely straight-faces tell the viewers: "Good
polychrome. In Idaho today, insipid butterfly
tax-free. Don't brake lightly for eternity.
Mother. Mtrheo. Ohertm."
Patrick Redding strives to bring you the
best column he can, on time. Harumph.
by Tanya Rose
Hello Again! After a small break, we're back!
Here's a quick column to sharpen your wits
on. Good luck!
Theme: The Largest, the Longest, the Best,
the Biggest, the Finest and the First
1-10: Easy - 1 point.
1. What is the largest Bay in the world?
2. What is the most prescribed drug?
3. In what non-mechanical sport do participants reach the highest speeds?
4. Who holds the record for most points scored
in a single hockey game?
5. Who transmitted and who received the first
telephone message?
6. Who was the best fighterpilotof WWI, with
80 kills?
7. What is the shortest unit of length?
8. Who was the first man on the moon?
9. Who was the first to die in The Wizard of
10. Casino Royale was the first movie of what n
famous movie series?
11-15: Medium - 2 points.
11. What star, discovered by J. Plaskett, at
Dominion Astrophysical Observatory in Victoria, is the largest known star?
12. What is the lowest perfect number?
13. What sport uses the largest playing field?
14. What was the longest war?
15. What was the bloodiest battle of all time?
16-20: Difficult  - 3 points.
16. What is the strongest beer?
17. What was the shortest war on record?
18. What is the highest volcano in the world?
19. What was the significance of the phrase,
"What hath God wrought?"
20. Who produced the first ever Frankenstein
answers on next page
friday Murch. 1st
& Physiology Club
l/Vine and
Cheese Party
Friday, March 8
 watch for posters for further details     	
February 27,1991 &<MS Briefs
by Trent Hammer
Did you miss me? Ihaven'twrittenan
article lately because no th ing really important
has happened.
Sure, since I last wrote there's been a
war in the gulf, a civil uprising in Lithuanian,
a drought in Northern Africa and the Canucks
have decided to join the Lindros sweepstakes,
but nothing of real importance has happened
with the AMS.
Here are the moire important tilings
that have happened.
l)The new executive has been elected and
they are now in charge. Congrats to Sean (Get
a Haircut ) Tagseth, Ranjit ( pass me the
scissers, I'll cut it) Bharag, Kelly (don't mess
up my office ) Guggesburg, Martin ( the
Midget) Eartle and Jason (40 ways to drink
beer) Brett.
2)The referenda also voted on during the
election all failed to reach quorum so her/him
will be once again excluded from the AMS
Code & Bylaws.
3)A motion to oppose the presence of the
Canadian Armed Forces in the Persian Gulf
was defeated by council. This motion was put
forwards by the Student rep from VST .whose
society passed a similar motion. The debate
was quite emotional on both sides. One of the
council members went as far as saying that if
the motion, was voted down by council, those
who voted it down would have "Blood on
their hands" and be responsible for the massacre of our troops. Others said that, since
they're already there, America should take
over Kuait, Iraq, Iran, Syria and all the other
countries that have pissed then off in the past.
These are both silly notions. The prevailing
thought was thai: .since there are so many
different opinions about the war, it would be
wrong to decide 1 tow students feel about this
issue. Of the people I have talked to, most
support the war and were angered by the
thought of the AMS taking a stand for or
against the war.
4)The Annual General Meeting was held to
instal the new exec and here a number of
boring reports.
5)Free tickets to Yuk-Yuks for Wed Feb 27
can be purchased for a nominal charge (free)
from CHEM 160 or the AMS business office.
I know this is a little late but if you hurry there
should be some tickets left over. First come
first serve, tickets: are limited.
Trent Hammer, our current AMS Rep is
doomed to a life of being "comfortable,"
while still having to endure jokes about
his janitor butt.
■pits of "Bog
by Derek K. Miller, official student BoGer
According to a standard planning maxim,
public town centres should be no bigger than
about 200 acres (or 10 minutes' walk from
one side to the other). The main campus of
UBC, from Anthropology-Sociology to Forestry, is about 450 acres in area - 250 too big.
We learned that from Andrew Brown, University Planner, at the latest Board of Governors ("BoG") meeting on Thursday, February 7.
Anyway, Wendy King and I, yournewly-
elected student BoG reps, were pitched headlong into one of the most important meetings
of the year, and, yes, Diamond Dave Strang-
way's three-year, inflation-plus-4.5% annually tuition fee increases went through. We
couldn'tstopit. (Grumble.) Nevertheless, we
did manage to ensure that the increases will
be reviewed each year (which could have
been done anyway). A serious review of the
Financial Aid system did come out of the
process too. Students will also have "significant input" (meaning what?) into the allocation of funds in the new "Enhanced Teaching
and Learning Environment" fund. So our
reaction is, er, mixed.
Anyway, we also learned that UBC is
the 10th largest city in BC. There are even
plans for a hotel out here in the next couple of
decades, and maybe a few stores like any
other community. (In the summer UBC houses
three times more visitors than the largest
downtown hotel.) If you'd like a peek at the
Campus Planning discussion paper, drop by
our office (SUB 262, phone 228-6101) and
say hi. If not, drop by anyway.
Ongoing campus construction includes
the National Centre for Excellence in Biotechnology, atop the Bookstore (So that's
what that is!); a new Physical Plant building;
two all-wood forest industry buildings waaay
out in B-lot; and some planning for a new
library between Sedgewick and Main. Oh,
and theMTS operating system will be phased
out on the UBC m ainframe computers in the
next couple of ye srs. 850 units of new student housing are planned "sometime," but
that looks like the turn of the century or later.
So hold on to your basement suite (or squat).
Some other stuff: President Strangway
and VP Academic Dan Birch were reappointed for another 6.5 years (until June 1991).
UBC lures 28-35,000 commuters a day -
almost 25% of the downtown load. It's also
the GVRD's second-largest Transit destination, next to downtown. And renovations
and new building construction takes into
account the fact lhat students hate chairs
with attached desk arms, and that we prefer
tables and chairs. Another small victory.
Watch for further updates, and drop by
SUB 262 for a visit. Wendy and I are there
most noon hours. Oh, and the free lunch was
Derek Miller, a [previous 432 editor and
student of science just keeps moving on
to bigger and better stuff. Now get a
job, Derek.
Tafaflgascos*d gknvaliBt itm
SportS1/8Page with Rachel Farrall
The Centipede
are this Thursday
at 12:30. Teams of
7 or 11 run a short
course around
campus linked together by a costume. Come out
: and participate or
just come and see some great costumes.
If you'd prefer to race through the Pacific
Spirit Park this Thursday, the 3rd Mountain
Bike Trail Race is on. If you'd like to get
completely disoriented in Pacific Spirit Park,
then run the Hash House Harrie, March 7th at
12:30. This is a 10km "fun" race where you
find out the route as you go along - often
ending up down a dead end and knee deep in
mud. For $ 10.70 ($ 5.70 with rebate) you get a
wonderful T-shirt.
The events coming up are:
March 9: Triathlon
March 11-17;: US Open Tennis
March 16 or 17: Spring Softball
March 24-28; Storm the Wall
Come out and earn points for Science.
Currently Science men are beating the Engineers easily; however, Science women have
been passed by Arts women!
If you are waiting for a league sport rebate,
they will be available as of March llth/91.
Sports Points Forms will be available March
Stay tuned for more exilarating and exciting
Sports Information from me, the sports guru
of SUS, Rachel Farrall.
Rachall Farrall is our current Sports
Director. She's got a cool coat.
Answers to That's Trivial
1. Hudson Bay.
2. Valium.
3. Skydiving.
4. Darryl Sittler (10).
5. Bell and Watson (Watson, come here. I need you.).
6. The Red Baron - Manfred Von Richthofen.
7.1 attometer (10-"meteis).
8. Jim Plunkett.
9. The Wicked Witch of the East.
10. James Bond.
13. Polo (12.4 acres).
14. The Hundred Years War (between Britain and
France, 1138-14S3).
15. The Battle of the Somme July 1- Nov 19,1916 (1
030 000 dead).
16. EKU Kulminator Urtyp Hell (Germany).
17. 38 minutes, between Britain and Zanzibar, Aug 27,
18. Cerro Aconcagua - 22,834 ft.
19. It was the first ever telegraph message.
20. Thomas Edison, 1910.
The 432
February 27,1991 The Alma Mater Society
in Conjunction With the
University of British Columbia
FOR 1991-91
We can all remember our first year at University. The campus seemed overwhelming, classes were huge, course loads a slap
in the face (especially when exams rolled
around), and making friends in a group of 25
000 people wasn't exactly the easiest thing
to do. But somehow, we all managed to
overcome the typical first year anxiety: The
"Oh my God, I'm not going to make it!"
When reflecting on an experience like that
(and for some it's a less painful memory
than for others!), thoughts about how things
might have been made a little easier for us
come to mind. Well, times are changing for
the first year student, and you, the Frosh
Coordinator (FroCo), are going to be the
reason why.
The question is, "How do we build spirit at
That's what the First Year Students Program
is all about - team spirit, feeling like you're
part of a group - and if there was a time in
which we ever needed that, it was in first
year. It's about helping first years identify
with each other, and letting them know that
they're not alone. Once we've accomplished that, spirit will take care of itself.
We're going to encourage involvement in
student clubs and activities. We'll be organizing social events at the beginning of
the year, and FROSH WEEK.
As a FroCo, you will play a key role,
providing support and leadership for the
Frosh. You and another FroCo will be put
in charge of a group of Frosh (15-20 people). This is not to say that you will then be
abandoned. You will certainly be allowed
to exercise you own imagination in dealing
with you group, but we will have a myriad
of activities organized especially for the
The time has come to do something about
the apathy on this campus, and the U.B.C.
spirit has to happen in first year, or it might
not happen at all. There's a lot of work to be
done, but together we can pull this off, and
start a tradition at U.B.C. Other universities in Canada have had well-established
Frosh programs for years, and there's no
reason why we can't do it too. We have a
plan, but it can't work without your help!
If you are active, involved, and care about the future of U.B.C, look us up. Pick up applications in SUB 216A or
the Librarian's office of the Main Library. Please return all applications to SUB 216A.
There will be an all-day leadership conference for FroCos on Saturday March 16, 1991
The 432
February 27, 1991


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