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The 432 Oct 17, 1990

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Volume 4, Number 4   The Newspaper for Science Students   Wednesday, Oct. 17,1990
Students Create Cold Fusion
Perpetual Motion Continues, Entropy Bypassed in Related Stories
Two weeks ago, The 432 opened its gates
to those brave, startling inventions which
seem to spite the laws of science — at
least, as currently understood. Schemes
for infinite power production and disqualifications of mathematics flooded our
mailbox; our ace task force, assigned to
assessing feasibility under The432' s New
Improved and Revised S cientific Method,
attempted numerous analyses of the revolutionary suggestions.
And now,
after much trepidation, The 432 is
proud to present to
you, its readers—
for the first time
are indubitably the
three most significant, astounding,
and utterly-sure-
creations said
world has ever
1st: Graphics Materials
Cold Fusion Discovered in
Totem Park Shower Stall
A genuine breakthrough in
energy production
designed by W. Ho
•Upon turning shower control
knob **IA radians anti-clockwise, a mist of
Especial Surface   reJ7<?cfe
Watch This Space!
The Academics Committee needs
an Academies Coordinator!
Thi$ pogitioo must be held by a Science under-
graduate — ie, a member of the SJUUSL Duties
include helpmg to coordinate the Teaching Excellence Award and lhzBlack& Blue Review. If
youVe interested* or want more info, contact
Caireen, Internal Vice President,, at 228-4235
(S.U.S.) or 228-3116 {Physsoc}.
... for upcoming info on the Black & Blue Review, the
Teaching Excellence Award, and anything else to do
with the Academics Committee. Meetings start the
week of October 22nd, 1990, time and place TBA. All
Science students are welcome!
(For more information, contact Caireen at 228-4235 or 228-3116.)
approximately 0.2K water strikes the occupant at approximately 30° from the
•This action causes cold temperature burn-like symptoms on the experimenter.
•The experimenter then lets out a
scream which is amplified by three-fold
multi-resonance from the specially-de-
signedheat -concentrating, sound-reflecting ceramic tiles lining the booth.
•From the resonance and amplification, there is enough energy to instantly
fuse the minute traces of hydrogen ions
present in the shower stream. This gives
energy output equal to:
E = [m + PL{&'™o:>)(n)(pm){Tw)}c\
m = mass of Hydrogen converted
PL = mass of experimenter
r=distance control knob is turned
(in radians)
a = angle of attack of water
n = mass of experimenter/Avo-
gaclro's Number
pm= density of the gas that the
experimenter gets from
eating at the Totem cafe
Tw = initial temperature of water
2nd: A Science T-Shirt
Perpetual Motion Based on
a Rotating Black Hole
designed by Alan Douglas
Place Dolly Parton in a polar orbit
of radius R about any convenient
rotating black hole with mass M
and period T.
It is known that gravitational tidal
effects will perturb Ms. Parton's
assets at a frequency
There is on average a 20-fold net
energy gain from this reaction.
This is a highly controlled reaction —not a chain reaction (ie, the
reaction continues until thermal
breakdown of tiles or until experimenter goes hoarse).
The radiation shield/shower curtain has been omitted from the
diagram for ease of viewing.
where G is
the gravitational constant andB is
her bra size.
Place Kurt Preinsperg inside a
solenoid in an equatorial orbit such
that his Poynting vector intersects
Dolly's tangent at an angle of 90
degrees. Adjusthis orbitso that its
frequency matches that given
The synchronised orthogonal
combination of Lorentz contraction and genital expansion will
create quantum fluctuations inducing magnetic monopoles in
Kurt's hormones.
The rapidly moving magnetic
hormones will induce an electric
current in the solenoid, powering
entire star systems if necessary.
By extrapolating Kurt's past
hormonal activity, we see that this
effect can be continued forever.
Continued on page 4...
In This Issue...
That's Trivial!	
Tale of Two Kitties	
Worrying: A Good Idea?	
Ultra-New Contest with Neat Prizes	
Dik Miller, P.I	
Senate Shorts	
Drawers of SUS	
The 432
October 17,1990 i"'*i^.
Editorial: Science for the Masses
by David W. New
A wagon of mass 1.2kg withfrictionless
wheels sits atop a sphere of radius R,
and is connected by a taut, massless
string of length Rl4 to a block of mass
0.7kg, partway down the side of the
sphere. The coefficient of friction between the block and the sphere is 0.18.
If the block is released at time t=0, at
what time will the wagon hits the block?
We'veallseenquestions like this; we've
all avoided them or foisted them off on
our T.A. 's. Many of us have wondered
who cares: anyone stupid enough to
leave a perfectly good wagon teetering
at the top of a sphere, or to waste a
massless string on a Newtonian mechanics experiment, deserves to have their
block smucked into. Hard, and with a
coefficient of restitution of about 0.2.
Anyway, that's all as may be.
What's really bothered us — I know
you've wondered; you can't hide it any
longer — is how and why people craft
such horrid problems, and whether
those scarce, legendary individuals exist
who actually solve them. And while,
unfortunately, the second of these
questions must remain a mystery, the
first one has finally been answered,
when The 432 obtained a top-secret
partial transcript of a Ph.D. oral defence last month.
Examiner 1: Here are five massless
springs with spring constants a, b, c, d,
Examiner 2: Hook them up so aPhysics
120 cJass will be confused.
Examiner 3: The answer is to be 5/3.
Examiner 4: You have ten seconds.
Student: Uh ... hook them up end to
end in a circle in vacuum so they're
bouncing, spin the circle around its
axis at a frequency/, flow a current /
through the resultant rotating toroidal
solenoid, measure the change in flux
density at an arbitrary point x0 inside the
solenoid, and then divide 10 by 6.
Examiner 3: Thank you.
Examiner 2: Here are a wagon of mass m
with frictionless wheels, and five identical
masses of mass n.
Examiner 4: Build a statue of the Clock
Examiner 1: Don't fail to ignore the
barometric pressure.
Examiner 2: Fnord.
Clearly, the student (whose voice, alas,
was not identifiable by the elite Physsoc
Tutorial Corps — or if they could, they
wouldn't admit it) had prepared extensively for this examination; equally clearly, she was being trained to pose atrocious mindbenders while simultaneously
brainwashed into forgetting that an experience so traumatic had ever occurred.
The masses used in such examinations, incidentally, are manufactured
at a New England warehouse known as
Boston Mass. They come in five basic
shapes (cube, sphere, wagon, hoop, and
infinite plane) andfour colours (red, white,
transparent, and black-body), although
other selections are available on request.
Their mass market catalogue with telephone order service is available at most
Physics department offices in North
America, but kept under tight security
lest an undergraduate stumble across it.
The reasons for this apprehension
are threefold: first, should undergrads be
able to launch a counterattack against
their tormentors, the entire fabric of civilization might be disrupted; secondly,
since gravitational accounts can only be
settled by credit card—Boston will post
no bills—and no Physics department has
an infinite line of charge, unauthorized
personnel are discouraged from saying
mass; and thirdly, proper care and nourishment of a mass requires a two-week
introductory course (usually taken with
an M.Sc). Even then, masses, especially
the small ones, remain unpredictable; even
for the oldest hand, a mass reaction can
quickly go out of control.
Indeed, signs of a mass independence movement have recently sprung up
at several California universities. An organization calling itself the Western Block
Nation has staged repeated sit-ins at local
government offices calling for such reforms as metric equality and mass suffrage; a possibly related Kansas group
known as Capacitors for Freedom has
threatened "widespread blackouts across
the Midwest if anti-EM discrimination
doesn'tend soon. Resistance is useless!"
Evere eager to be a part of the
mass media, The 432 recently sent staff
reporter S ven Schwarzhand to speak with
one such oppressed mass, a 3.4kg brick
from Red Deer named Clyde Moberly.
Following is a transcript of the interview.
Schwarzhand:   Good evening,  Mr.
Moberly: (pause)
Schwarzhand: Recentlyyoutookpartin
an experiment where you were being
moved a distance x by person A in 45
seconds and by person B in 60 seconds.
Moberly: (pause)
Schwarzhand: According to our diagrams of the event, person B slipped on a
wet banana peel and, its coefficient of
friction being only 0.04, accidentally
threw you into a well of height d. How
does that make you feel?
Moberly: (pause)
Schwarzhand: Thank you very much
for this chat, Mr. Moberly.
Moberly: (pause)
Moberly, briefly entering a state of absolute rest, declined to answer whether he
knew the leader of the independence
movement, rumoured to be one Pierre
Einstein. However, the next Californian
gubernatorial elections will not be fought
on physics, and nor will the next; the
movement isn't likely to spread to British Columbia this decade.
So only one disturbing puzzle
yet remains: why, in such problems as
the one above, is g equal to exactly 9.8
— at what insane altitude do these
experiments occur? As we blithely file
out of the Hebb B uilding, are we risking
being struck by a frictionless wagon
falling at vT, massless string in tow?
F m sure it's one of thosequantum
While writing my editorial for the last
issue, I did a fair bit of research on the
current state of affairs at the AMS,
double-checking all of my facts before
presenting them (except one, which I
presented as a "rumour"—which it is).
Still it wasn't enough; a number of
people have independently approached
me with corrections.
It's one thing to bias an editorial
by glossing over facts you'd rather
ignore, but using falsehoods to support
your thesis, even in good faith, is quite
another.and the sloppiestofjournalistic
practices. I'm not proud of the state of
affairs in student politics right now —
there are covert campaigns which are
out to get people, which makes finding
the truth out incredibly tough. And until
things quiet down a bit, if they ever
quiet down a bit, I'm keeping my editorial nose out of the whole schlemiel. But
I goofed, and I'm sorry.
Irony is a wonderful thing,
though: my whole point was that people
shoulddo research for themselves before
blindly signing petitions—so of course
it was I who hadn't done enough of it.
My apologies to Johanna Wickie, to
Jason Brett, to Pam Costanzo and to
Alison Bain, and to everyone else concerned, for misattributions, misapprehensions, and misrepresentations. Nota
one of you is Bad People, not by a long
shot. And to anyone I gave such an impression: go check for yourself.
The Pre-Med Society
For more information,
come by our office in
IRC G30, Thursdays
from 12:30 to 1:30.
Tuesday, October 23rd
Lecture: Dr. Lee
The Cardiac Cath Lab
Woodward 1,12:30pm
Tuesday, October 30
Lecture: Dr. Smith
Medicine and Child Abuse
Woodward 2,12:30pm
Thursday, November 1
Field trip to the Cardiac Cath Lab
Details and signup sheet at the club office
Thursday, November 8
Interview Survival: Tips on how to impress the Med
School Admissions Committee
Room TBA, 12:30-2:30
Coffee and doughnuts provided.
Admission free to members,
$2.00 to non-members
That's Trivial!
-by Tanya Rose-
Hello again! This week, we thought we'd
get away from science for a bit and go into
history. Good luck! (Answers on page 8.)
Theme: Canadian History
1-10: Easy
1. Who was the first Prime Minister
of Canada?
2. When was the Constitution
patriated from Great Britain?
3. What acted as the Canadian Constitution until we brought our
Constitution home?
4. Who is the current leader of the
Federal NDP?
5. What two provinces did not pass
Meech Lake by the June deadline?
6. How many gold medals did
Canada win at the '76 Olympics
in Montreal?
7. What company was granted exclusive rights to fur trading in
Canada in the eighteenth and
nineteenth centuries?
8. Whatwasthelastprovincetoenter
9. Who led the Manitoba rebellion
of 1870 and the Saskatchewan
rebellion of 1885?
10. What is the name of the massive
oil project just initiated off the
east coast of Canada?
11-15: Medium
11. What was the highest court in
Canada before 1949?
12. WhofoughtonthePlainsofAbra-
ham in 1759?
13. When did B.C. enter Confederation?
14. What is the only land under provincial dispute in Canada?
15. What was the October Crisis?
16-20: Difficult
16. WhattreatyendedtheWarofl812
between the U.S.andBritishNorth
17. What Prime Minister holds the
record for the longest consecutive
term in office?
18. Where is Canada's largest peace
force stationed?
19. Where was the first French permanent settlement in Canada?
20. Who was the first modern European to set foot on Canadian soil?
Bonus Question: On five clear occasions, Canada has used the armed forces
to deal with internal insurrection or perceived rebellion. Name them.
The 432
October 17,1990 Sports Update...
Coming up this Friday, October 19th, at
12:40pm, is the annual United Way Run.
Come out and support the United Way by
making a donation at the SUB race centre
and gain valuable sports points at the
same time. Congratulations to Lynn
McFarland from Geology and Fil Edora
for their second-place finishes in the
TRIUMF run on October 9th, and to
Jared Nelson, who just missed winning
the 5km Residential Run.
Coming up October 30th and
November 2nd are the Hallowe'en Runs.
Remember, these runs are not serious, so
get out and have fun with your Mends!
For the many of you who were
unable to register for Cross Volleyball
League this term because it filled up so
II starts in November. In fact, because
gym time was so scarce, people started to
play volleyball in, racquetball courts.
Come try it out in the Wallyball Wing-
ding on November 3rd (register by October 26th = NOW). Only six people need
to register, so get a bunch of friends out
and have a blast. If 3'ou would like to play
volleyball in a regular court, drop-in
sessions have started again on Thursdays
at 7:30pm in War Memorial Gym, and
there are two tournaments coming up in
November: 3-on-3 Volleyball and CoRec
Dome Volleyball. Register now if not
sooner, as these are very popular.
Speaking of racquetball courts,
the deadline for the racquetball tourney is
Friday, October 26th, as is the Bookstore
3-on-3 Basketball Tourney.
Other events that can be registered for now are the Mountain Bike
Ramp Climb, Trimble's Revenge Run,
Curling Bonspiel, Pacific Rim Basketball Tourney, and Wimbledon Open
Tennis Tourney.
Don't forget that there are tons of
prizes, such as Science sports jackets, gift
certificates to stores like Cap's and Forerunners, T-shirts, and badges, for getting
lots of Science points—plus the4?2 Cup
and cash prizes each term for the top three
departmental clubs.
Remember — always register as
Unit = Science or Unit = S.U.S. to get
your 30% rebate. Teams or individuals
placing first in their division and category get full rebates.
A copy of the sports points form is
printed to the right. Fill this out or pick up
a copy in SUS, CHEM 160, or your
departmental club office, and submit it no
later than Friday, November 16th to your
departmental sports rep or me. Any events
after this date will count for next term.
Come down and check out the
Science Sports jackets—we'll be getting
them in stock soon. They will be around
$37-$38, plus you'll need at least 20
sports points (cumulative) before you can
buy one.
Good luck to all the Loingboat
teams this weekend. The Geers better
watch out, as we're out to kick their butts
(no really illegal tactics please). Geology
is leaping ahead of the other clubs with
this event — congrats for getting more
than 50 members (of 80) out for it!
LAST hame:_
PHOHE I:    _
     FIRST hake:	
      STUDENT   I:   _	
The Great Big Sports
T-Shirt Design Contest!
Become Famous by Having
Your Design Emblazoned on
an Incredible, Colourful
100% Cotton T-Shirt!
•lst-place entry wins a coveted
Science Sports Jacket and Sports
•2nd-place earns a pair of Science
Boxer Shorts and a Sports T-Shirt!
•3rd-place gets a Sports T-Shirt!
Entries should be drawn or
written in black only on plain
white 8x10 paper. Just about
anything goes, but no racist,
sexist, homophobic or anti-
Ari designs, please. Each
entry should say "Science
Sports" or "Science Sports
UBC" somewhere on it.
Deadline for entries is
November 2nd at 6:30pm.
IP      AS   A   SriPI.'CB
EVENTS  I* pts each)
BAf*uF:Tn»r.L  I                          i
llpt per natch!
CYCLE SPORTS    (2pt3 each)
(lpt   3Km)(2pt   Skn)(3pt>91cm)
points  given  for  both
Tues.   t Frl.   runs.
Edge df patvforest
l-JS El'.u
A Tale of Two Kitties
I did it again
this morning, and I
feel guilty
about it, like
I always do.
I know that
it's natural,
and it's not degrading or anything, but
every time I do it, I feel cheap, dirty,
and sinful. I did it in the bathroom, this
time, and even while I was doing it, I
knew the brief moments of gratification
would be followed by hours of self-
loathing and the gnawing feeling that I
had somehow violated myself.
I read The Province this
Heck, I don't want to be too
harsh on Vancouver's own Tabloid.
There are a lot of human interest stories
that get coverage you wouldn't find in
a "Serious Newspaper" like The Times
or The Post. I mean, the average reader
is interested in hearing that Welfare
Mom Won't Get Kidney Operation
For Pet Kitty. On the front page, no
less, in bold black print bigger than
when World War II broke out.
Really, do Vancouverites enjoy
eating breakfast all bleary-eyed and
groggy, with the headlines screaming
back at them, Priest Molests
Daughter, Self, Then Axe Murders
Welfare Mom's Kitty? The other
day, the front page was all about
someone killing someone else in some
bizarre family dispute. Apersondeadis
news, yes, but down in the corner of the
front page was our Interesting-Piece-Of-
Trivia-Of-The-Day. Those crazy
Germans were at it again. It seems they
had gone and done some wacko thing like
reunify. The picture was of a bunch of
drunken German students, one of them
holding high a Diabetic Kitty.
I think the word I'm trying to
stress here is priority. Where's the logic
in page nine going to the Iraqi invasion of
Kuwait, while Dead Kitty Speaks To
Welfare Mom From Grave gets pages
one, two, and three? If Washington ever
gets nuked by aSS-19, we'll read about it
on page 43 in the Odd Spot, with the
opening words, "Those nutty Russkies
are at it again...."
But I want to rationalize why I
read The Province in the morning. Apart
from Terence Ross, who can never bet on
the winning horse (note that the celebrity
guessers, who don't know their elbows
from their tailbones, seem to win a lot, but
Terence Ross, the "authority" on track
betting, is constantly in the red), The
Province has a passable Sports section,
and that's the only reason I read it. I need
my morning hockey scores, so I can know
how many points I didn' t get in my hockey
pool last night.
And I have to read the paper in the
bathroom because otherwise Romeo, my
Stupid Cat, will blow kitty snot all over it
(Romeo has a cold, and enjoys, along
with keeping you up at night by lying on
your face and snorting through a stuffed-
up nose, sitting on your chest while you
lie on the couch, and sneezing on you) or
else Sid, my Other Stupid Cat, will
lovingly nuzzle you as you read, then
trample on the paper, turn and face you,
purring, and take a loving dump on the
league standings.
It seems the cats know how to
truly enjoy The Province. You deposit a
bodily fluid on it.
I'm concerned, though, that The
Province will run a front page story called
Butthead Physics Student Flushes
Kitty Down Toilet For Sneezing. I
can't take it much longer. If it isn't one,
it's the other. Sid (What Sid is short for is
still under dispute. Schmoogy Wuggums
wants it to be short for Sidney. As if that's
a proper name for a cat. No dignity. Sid is
short for Siddam Hussein. My second
choice was Yassir Aracat.) loves people.
So much, in fact, that Sid enjoys giving
things to you. Last week, she cuddled up
beside Tim-The-Roommate, and he
started petting her. She arched her back,
purring, tail high in the air, and left a very
self-satisfied pile of kitty-poo beside Tim-
The-Roommate. Within seconds, Romeo,
in a show of moral support, dumped a
load on the rug.
Actually, Tim-The-Roommate got
off easy. He doesn't lose sleep at night.
It's difficult to describe what it's like to
wake up in the middle of the night with
these cats. Maiybe because half of the
time you have woken up because one of
the f urballs has placed both paws up your
nose and you cain't breathe anymore. The
other half, you just wake up on your own.
Picture it: the room is dark, save for the
light of the moon streaming in through
the window beside you. Men wake up a
lot at night, by the way. They are either
freezing and half-naked because their
Sweet Baboo beside them has wrapped
herself into a cocoon with all the covers,
or else they are immobile because Pumpkin Babycake has pinned them down
with her legs, sprawled diagonally across
the bed (which raises a question: why is
it that men can sleep perfectly motionless, taking up a foot of bedspace, but
women have to sprawl over everything
and everybody. Can't they be comfortable without putting their knee in your
ear?). But get back to waking up: you
open your eyes slowly and stifle a
scream, because Sid The Stupid Cat is
sitting on your adam's apple, staring
down at you, like a vulture over its prey.
How did it know I was about to wake
up? The best I can figure is that The
Stupid Cat has been there all night,
contemplating the best way to kill me.
She found it, by the way. She
wants to drive me to suicide. She has
developed a wonderful game. If you
close your eyes, or open them again, or
even flicker your eyelids, she'll swat at
your pupil. What a lovely thought at
night, when you know that eventually,
while in REM sleep (REM: Rapid-Eye-
Movement) Sid is going to pop out one
of your eyeballs.
Then Romeo will sneeze on it.
Or else they'll both have another Dump-
Aaron Drake, when not waking up at
night, dreams of moving to Malibu, buying a king-size bed, and breeding lynxes.
The 432
October 17,1990 The 432
Volume 4, Number 4
October 17,1990
Editor:      David W. New
Writers:    Aaron C. Drake
Rachel Farrall
Chocolate Mocha Almond Fudge
Ari Giligson
Double Chocolate Fudge
Caireen Hanert
^Chocolate Peanut Butter.-
Don Hitchen
Orvin Lau
Derek K. Miller
Rum Raisin
David W. New
Still Eggnog
Cathy Rankel
Tanya Rose
Tultl Fruttl
Antonia Rozario
Patrick Redding
Cookies and Cream
Printed at College Printers.
Area: 9.652 x 10A m2.
Multiplicity: 4000.
Frequency: 8.267 x 107 Hz.
Average printing speed:
3.192 x 103 m2/s
The 432 is the honest-to-
goodness Publication of the
whole darn UBC Science
Undergraduate Society. All
its contents are © 1990 by
their authors, or by that
entire gosh-whilliking
aforementioned Society if no
name should happen by.
Deadline for submissions:
Wednesday, October 24
Next issue: October 31
•A Hallowe'en review of the
top ten chocolate bars!
♦The usual stuff!
♦And absolutely nothing
else. That's right, nothing.
You heard me. Blank space
galore. Bwahahaha.
Tuesday. 12:30. CHEM 160.
If you inhabit that space-
time locality, why, you're at
a 432 staff meeting. You're
boldly standing up to write
an article, take a photo,
draw a cartoon, or perform
nerve-curdling stunts for
spare change. Cause you're
Inventions to Shake the World
Continued from page 1...        3rd: A Scienc, T,Shirt
The Anti-Entropy Wave Freezer®
(Reverse Microwave Oven™)
designed by Ari Giligson and Antonia Rozario
•Microwave ovens work by vibrating I^O molecules at a resonant frequency, thus heating up food.
•Wouldn't it be
great if we had a fast
device like it, butforcoo/-
ing food (eg, overheated
microwave food)?
•Now, through the
use of the Entropy White
Noise Multisync Resonance Tube (EWNMRT®
— as a catchy acronym),
we can capture free random molecular collisions
and amplify them through
the phenomenon of Random Resonance Capture
(Apek, Journal of Irre-
producible Results 173-
1, pp. 2247-2252)!
Here is the basic
design of the AEWF®
(Leutonia pat. pend.
ttrni W \< rmt<\
r^AjtwtlW Dm*«»h
0~i<Hf frill Mi lu.i)ilLnU ff«W)
V'1* <j'C(k   ftrtUdi-IHvt i
BUYB^E(^YlJ[^ ElO|f [^(§iUYBjj)^|ll^E§YBUY
Yes, it's time once again for that once-in-a-lifetime savings event:
The Semi-Occasional Science Hallowe'en Sale!
For two entire weeks and two extra-special-bonus days
— at no extra charge —
you can order not only Funky Science Sweatpants,
not only a Neat Science Sweatshirt,
but even a Really Cheap Science T-Shirt (or Baseball Cap)...
for only $35.00!
Yes, this marvelous fashion ensemble can be yours for eleven
full dollars under the suggested retail price.
This amazing, fabulous, and superfantastic offer is only
available at CHEM 160, and only until October 31st.
(This is also your last chance this year to order those amazingly cool Science Varsity Jackets
— order before 1:00pm on October 22nd. Cost is $150.00; deposit is 50%.)
A Public Service Message from the Staff of The 432
The 432
October 17,1990 Worrying: Worth the Worry?
-by Don Hitchen-
The other day, I was walking in from B-
Lot with the friend I carpool with. He said
to me, "You haive your first midterm
today, don't you?"
"Yep, Geography," I replied.
"Which reminds me, I gotla start studying
for it."
In response, he asked if I was
worried about it, to which I dutifully
replied, "Are you kidding? I never worry
about midterms. For what they make up
of your final mark, they're hardly worth
the time. Besides, what good is worrying
going to do?"
This conversation led to a train of
thought which lasted a couple of minutes
at least, which for me is damn good.
For quite some time now I have
wondered why people worry—worrying
seems to me a concept to which there is no
real point. To help myself gain some
insight into this phenomenon, I checked
the Oxford Dictionary of Current English
(which I bought for the ECT cause they
told me I should). Under "worry," the
dictionary read, "give way to anxiety"...
right, what's anxiety? "Anxiety" was
defined as, "a state of being worried or
concerned." Dictionaries are such useful
Turning to a first-year Psychology
text (Darley/Glucksberg/Kinchla, 4th
ed.), "Anxiety is defined as a fearful
psychological reaction to stressful events.
It often becomes itself a source of stress
to which the individual must adjust."
That's all fine and dandy, but it does not
explain why people react this way, nor
does is state what the act of worrying
The last couple of years, I have
made a significant effort not to get worked
up over things. When I was in high school,
I always used to worry about my marks.
I would worry about not having the grades
for University, about the security of my
virility if I failed a course and my father
caught wind of it. At times, I was just a
wreck. After I wrote my Algebra 12final,
I didn't stop shaking until two hours
The funny part about it, though,
all that worrying never changed the mark
of my final; it didn't make me feel better;
it just freaked out rny mum. Nothing was
gained from that little anxiety attack.
Well, since I liberated myself from
this self-inflicted repression, I have had
the opportunity to observe others going
through the turmoil I once did. Midterms
are great, man, do people get worked up
over midterms... but now figure, a midterm worth, say, twenty percent of this
term is then halved with next term' s work,
and then the final is calculated in. I found
the my Geography midterm was worth
just over eight percent of the final mark
for the course, so 55% on the test or 85%
on the test would only alter rny final mark
by two percent. Catch my drift? Whether
you get a pass or a first class is hardly
going to affect your final mark in the end.
Now don't get me v/rong, this is
not a justification for not studying — in
this case I did study, albeit for two hours
before the test started—you still need to
get that pass, and every little bit counts.
But it you bung it up, don't sweat it, it's
not the end of the world... and even if it
was, worrying wouldn't stop it being the
end of the world, it'd only ruin what
precious little time you had left.
Another point that comes to mind
is those people who go scamming extra
marks off the T. A. when they get a lab or
assignment back. last year, I decided to
figure out how much one mark in my
Physics 110 assignments was worth
towards my final grade. Now, the assignments part of the course was worth five
marks out of 150 (3.3%). This is divided
by the fourteen assignments that counted
throughout the year (0.24%), and then
divided again by the ten marks each assignment was worth. In the end, every
point on one of those assignments was
worth 0.024%, one-fiftieth of a percent,
and yet still people would complain if
they got gypped a mark.
Now, if you were to bitch and
bitch and bitch about every assignment
you got back, and the T.A. gave you an
extra two marks every time (very unlikely)
just to shut you up, at the end of the year
you would be the lucky winner of an outstanding two-thirds of a percent on your
final grade. Now if that won' t get you into
med school, I don't know what will.
Treading on a little different
ground, I have also noticed how destructive worrying can he to social relations.
First off, I'd like to introduce you to
worrying's twin brother "insecurity." The
definition on this puppy is, "given to
constant anxiety." (I see a pattern here.)
Many people are insecure about themselves; they worry that they are not
"socially acceptable" or that they "won't
fit in with others" — or, my favourite,
they "don't feel comfortable around
strangers." The truth is, they don't feel
comfortable about themselves around
strangers. They worry about what others
will think of them.
This is why alcohol is such a great
social catalyst, becuase people become
less inhibited to drop these walls and get
goofy. They also find it easier to start
talking to people they would not normally
be totally comfortable with. If people
were less insecure about themselves, and
stopped worrying about it, social relationships would start out on a much easier
step and they could stay sober.
Secondly, insecurity is one of the
main hindrances in romantic relationships.
People worry if their partner loves them,
if he or she is being faithful, or why he/
she "said that." People are insecure about
their love. Guys are terrible for this; it
often makes them do really stupid things,
getting jealous, possessive or demanding.
And women too fall victim to insecurity.
It has gotten to the point where it is torture
for me to watch friends of mine who are
going together fight over trivial matters.
I spent this past summer travelling with
(among others) a couple who did nothing
but fight over the stupidest things. Why?
Who knows. If they would just not worry
about it, they v/ould be so much happier.
The fact of the matter is that worrying has absolutely nbo purpose, and
accomplishes nothing. Now, some people
might argue that worrying gives motivation to study more, but worrying is negative: it's better to have a positive motivation such as just trying to do better than
before, or my own, doing your best. Like
I said before, once you start worrying, not
only do you have to deal with what it is
that you are worrying about, but you must
also deal with the anxiety you have created by worrying. So lighten up and reflect on the words of the immortal Alfred
E. Neumann, "What? Me worry?" or of
the nauseating Bobby McFerrin, "Don't
worry, be happy," ... or of a mentally
retarded lady who came into my work
one day and said, "Don't worry 'bout
nothin', cause it'll do ya no good."
This woman, I thought to myself,
has got life figured out better than most
people I know.
Don Hitchen also believes—asdol—in
universal harmony and free baguettes to
start the world off to each and every
Worrying, Part II
-by Antonia Rozario-
One doesn't have to be a hopelessly maladjusted neurotic to do nothing but worry.
Increased sensitivity and caution about
the flavour of the nacho chips at the
Gallery Lounge can enrich your life and
win you friends. Worrying has been an
integral part of my entire undergraduate
life at UBC, and I'd like to share a few
pointers so that others can experience the
same rush of anxiety I live with each day.
•Don't just worry about finding a
functional toiletduringyouroneafternoon
break at 12:30 — worry that the one you
use won't have toilet paper or a fresh
supply of hand soap.
•Don't just worry that acquaintances will find you shallow or insensitive
— worry that they'll notice you've just
eaten a Pitburger and that your breath
now smells worse than their feet.
•Don't just worry about getting an
education — worry that aging humdrum
Psychology professors with too much
time on their hands will publically question your opinions and do unrequested
psychological analyses on your friends.
•Don't just worry about getting
intoaprestigiousNorth American medical
school—worry that your 59.44% overall
academic average will have banned you
from all post-graduate institutions.
•Don't just worry about finding a
parking spot in B-Lot at 9:30am—worry
about whether the five car accidents you
had last year are going to cause your
insurance premiums to go up.
•Don't just worry about the seven
pounds you've gained since starting
university — worry about the fact that
your thighs have become farther-reaching
than the Assiniboine River.
•Don't just worry about renewing
your library books — worry that the last
person to use the Woodward Library photocopiers before you was a nose-picker.
•Don't just worry about getting a
nutritious, affordable UBC Food Services
meal — worry that the woman who
prepared your pasta salad didn' t wash her
hands after going to the washroom.
•Don't just worry about finding a
comfortable place to relax during your
lunch hours — worry that sleeping on
SUB sofas can lead to pregnancy, social
disease, or lice.
•And when in doubt, worry that
you aren't worrying enough to notice all
the people running in horror from the
parsley between your two lower front
By following this simple advice,
you'll turn into a healthier and happier
human being, if the lines on your face
don't frighten away everyone you know
of the opposite sex.
Antonia Rozario believes that free
baguettes would be mouldy by the time
they got to inland Mozambique.
Available now at Science Sales, room CHEM 160!
The UBC Physics Society Presents...
Dr. W. Hsieh
Assistant Professor of Ocean Biology
•A survey of the Oceanography Department at
•The modelling of atmosphere-ocean systems
and global climate systems.
•A slide presentation.
Free Doughnuts and Coffee afterward!
"Thursday, Oct 18    12:30    tie6612
The 43^
October 17,1990 Dik Miller, Private Eye
-by Derek K. Miller-
I felt so used, slaving away in a CFC
factory in the Amazon Rainforest which
was powered by burning trees. It's sort of
the ultimate insult, being forced to help
my arch-enemies in the Death to
Humanity by Slow Environmental
Degradation Coalition. I had been
assigned to a large lever. I didn't know
what it did, but I knew I had to pull it three
times every time a buzzer went off. If I
didn't, a guard on a platform above me
wouldmachine gun me to death. Needless
to say, it wasn't the most pleasant or
intellectually challenging of jobs —
especially without pay.
Shift change. Every day at this
time (about 7 o'clock, but I couldn't be
sure; my watch had been taken) I was
shuffled out with acrew of other prisoners
to the cantina, where we ate rainforest
beef from non-recyclable foam plates,
which were later dumped into a landfill.
Each day as this happened I peered around,
trying to find an escape route, seeing
none. It was a miserable existence, not
what I had expected two weeks before
when I was cycling along University
Boulevard. I satdown andstarted chewing
"So, how'd you end up here?"
asked one of my co-prisoners, a
bedraggled-looking woman.
"You speak English?" I asked,
"Yes. I'm amember of Earth First!
These slimebags took me hostage while I
was tree spiking a year and a half ago."
"A year and a half?" This was
getting worse. Not thatl think tree spiking
is a good thing, but a year and a half in a
South American sweatshop wasabitmuch
as punishment.
"Yup. And I'm a vegetarian, too."
She grimaced while gulping down another
mouthful of steak. "How about you?"
"I... er ... eat steak most of the
time. ButI... um... Idon'tactuallyenjoy
it Not that much."
"No, no. Why are you here?"
"I'm aprivate detective. I've been
pursuing the D.H.S.E.D.C. for quite a
while now, and they finally caught me
and brought me here." I gave her a
conspiratorial glance. "I'm planning on
getting out"
Sheshookherhead. "Don'tbother.
All of the obvious ways are traps. Just last
week these two guys got out through a
ventilation duct and were mulched by a
passing tree cutter." Her eyes went hazy.
"That's what always happens."
Okay, things were getting even
more noir than thefilm noir genre dictates.
I was becoming seriously depressed, and
that sure isn't conducive to keeping my
vwywyiy^""1?'^ ■■■■■■■ w vwi'^i W"v
It's been around for years, and
will be for many more to come!
and it's all at the
UBC Bookstore
University Blvd.* 228-4741
readers interested. I knew that something
exciting had to happen soon.
Half an hour later we were being
led to our bunks, where we would be
allowed to sleep for six hours before
waking and going back to work. Not
exciting enough. Just then I had an idea
— a brilliant plan to advance the plot,
solve the mystery of who ran the
D.H.S.E.D.C.,andbring the whole terrible
organization to a shuddering halt.
Before I couldimplement my plan,
the ceiling in front of us burst open and
deposited six heavily armed soldiers,
garbed in gas masks and camouflage gear,
on top of the front set of guards, knocking
them unconscious. The fomer tree spiker,
with whom I had been walking, turned
around and whacked the rear guard in the
groin, stunning him. One of the soldiers
rushed back and pointed a gun in his face.
"Who the hell are you?" I asked
the soldier in charge, whose name tag
"American invasion force. We're
here to get you out of the hands of these
Iraqi doorknobs."
"Iraqi doorknobs?" I repeated.
"Yeah. Get you out of Iraq, back
"Um, I don't want to be rude, but
this isn't Iraq."
"Kuwait, then."
I looked at him — or rather, I
looked at his gas mask, which made him
look remarkably like a giant bug. "You
don't understand. We're in Brazil."
"Brazil?" He flipped up the mask.
"What are you talking about?"
"We're in the middle of the
Amazon rainforest. We're nowhere near
Iraq or Kuwait."
Mooka rubbed his chin. "That
explains all those trees."
"Anyway, you did save us from a
life of perpetual hard labour. Thanks."
His eyes brightened. "Yeah, I
guess we did. All right then, everyone
follow us back to the copters. Move it,
move it, move it!"
As we jogged along the corridor I
whoever gave him the wrong map right in
the butt. I was glad to be out of this
predicament, but it was a shame that I'd
never been able to use my plan. Oh well,
maybe next time.
DerekK. Miller, that effervescent emeritus
of eccentricity, regards flowerpots as
having outlived their usefulness on July
11th, 1814. He'sstillworkingon the time.
Senate Shorts
-by Orvin Lau-
Last Wednesday's Senate meeting was a
short one, just under an hour. Thank
goodness Senate is not like the AMS,
where the meetings just go on, and on,
and on, ad nauseam.
Since Senate is this university's
governing academic body, teaching
evaluations, being an academic matter,
fall well under its jurisdiction. Those of
you who have been keeping up to date
will remember that the student senators
put forth a notice of motion at the
September meeting to strike an ad hoc
(ie. temporary) committee to look into
teaching evaluations. Well, that meant
the motion would come up at the next
meeting, namely the one that we just had.
Since I was the mover of the
motion, I made the presentation for it.
This was certainly not a case of rubber-
stamping. (In fact, if you believe that
Senate is just one big rubber-stamping
body, you're mistaken—there are plenty
of matters that are looked at with scrutiny,
and I am not referring only to student
motions.) So as you can guess, a vigorous
debate ensued. Other senators liked the
idea, but they felt that the motion should
be reworded, so the motion was eventually
amended with some words changed and a
preamble added, and then passed.
All the student senators are happy
with the way the motion was reworded: it
doesn't change the committee's ability to
look into teaching evaluations. I'm not
going to actually quote the motion as
amended and passed, as I may get it
wrong: I'll do it next issue after I have
checked the wording thoroughly on the
tape recording of the meeting.
What happens now it that the
Senate Nominating Committee, whose
job it is to select the membership of all
other Senate committees, willrecommend
which senators will sit on this committee;
I'm quite certain that I will be one of the
members. Then Senate will approve the
membership at the November meeting,
and the committee will get started on its
work. So if you have anything to say
about teaching evaluations, whether it be
complaints, suggestions or comments,
please tell me — the more student input,
the better.
One other interesting thing came
up at the meeting. Back in 1973, Senate
made regulations concerning student
representation at the faculty level. One of
these regulations bars students from being
represented on committees discussing
appointments,promotions and tenure. So,
during the debate on the teaching
evaluation motion, one faculty senator
attempted to add to the motion to have the
committee review this regulation too.
However, a point of order was brought
up, saying that this amendment was not
related to the original motion and was out
of order, and consequently, the
amendment was withdrawn. A notice of
motion was served to strike another
committee to look over this regulation.
This motion will also come up in
November, and I predict debate will be
much more extensive.
I wonder if any of you do read this
column. So to find out, I'm making an
offer: the first person I don't already
know who comes to me with some worthy
comments, suggestions or complaints on
teaching evaluations as I asked for above,
I will buy one bzzr (or other drink) at the
Big Bzzr Blitz on Friday, November 16.
(SUS & AMS Council members are not
eligible for this offer; also, I will be the
final judge of for whom I will buy the
Orvin Lau, subject of an upcoming
National Geographic special, detests all
things rectilinear, moving diagonally if
at all and never using the samepogo stick
twice. He attracts parakeets.
The 432
October 17,1990 Departmental Elections '90
Polls in Chemistry, Woodward, and Wesbrook
Remember Your Last
Science Rep's Name?
No? — Probably because he
was only representing himself.
I'll Represent You!
Vote Dave Dyment
For 3rd Year Science Representative
Hi. I'm Susan Saatchi. I am running for Biology Dept. Rep.
You should vote for me for these 3 reasons
1. I have worked at the Dean of Sciences for 2V2
years and am familiar with the logistics of the
Biology Program.
2. I served as Sales Manager 1989/90 and I'm
familiar with the functioning of SUS
3. I am not a Premed keener and I'm not doing this
just to stuff my resume.
I thank you for your time and hope you all take the
opportunity to vote in the next election.
Only YOU can make a difference...
.... but I can make it easier.
year Animal Biology Major, for a
committed Biology representative
on the Science Undergraduate
Who's Acclaimed
4th year:
Mark Honig
Pierre Houston
Zubair Ladak
Julie Orban
:   Brian Stafford
Jason Russell.
Andrew Wong
Mike Hamilton
Polls in Chemistry, Wesbrook,
and Woodward will be open from
10:30 to 2:30 on Friday, October
19th. Bring your AMS card!
Vote for Aileen Ablog for Chemistry Rep.
She is presently in 3rd year chemistry and is
running for the position of Chemistry Rep. She
would like to see more chemistry undergrads
become more aware of the extra-curricular activities available; and help students with concerns
pertaining to the chemistry department.
She has been involved with many committees in
high school for social events and has helped
organize events with the C.S.C. She is basically
just crazy about Chemistry and wants to convert
everyone into Dr. Jekyl.
Who's Running
3rd year:     Dave Dyment
Nicky Meola
Biol: Susan Saatchi
Giovanna Vassone
Peter Woo
Chem: Aileen Ablog
Ken Kan
Only students in 3rd year, Biology
(any year), or Chemistry (any
year) may vote in this election—
but 3rd-year Chemists and Biologists   get   double   the   fun!
The (Drawers ofSVS
-by Catherine Rankel-
Just Desserts: happened Tuesday, October 2nd. "What is Just Desserts?" you
ask. It's an opportunity for each constituency to nominate someone who has done
something above and beyond their call of
duty for that particular group. SUS Council nominated two people, Dean McBride
and Ben Clifford of Chemistry. The evening gets capped off by a feast of... just
desserts. For the SUS, it all went extremely well, considering the poor leadership the President exhibited at the outset, leading seven worthy council members off in the wrong direction. We ar-
The 432
rived late with muddied feet... we sure
worked for those desserts.
Anyway, I'm writing a letter to
the Presidents of Science Undergraduate
Societies of other universities, asking
them about any events they put on for
their Science students. If you have any
suggestions (eg, BBQ's, etc.) which the
SUS could feasibly put together, then
please send them my way—CHEM 160
or 228-4235. If all else fails, we could
revert to the traditions of the past ...
picture yourself wearing abeanie, or better
yet, caged in a tree if you forgot to wear
your beanie....
Science Week: is the third week
in January. The Responsible One is Sandra Mah. She's extremely organized and
things are really looking good for this
year's Science Week. A tentative schedule has been planned and we are still
looking for people to fill the positions of
Blood Drive Coordinator (contact person
with the Red Cross, arrangs for posters to
be put up which the Red Cross supplies,
hands out Blood Drop costumes ... I'm
sure that one of you can handle this) and
Tricycle Race Coordinator (purchases
trikes, advertises, makes sure that teams
get signed up ... again, it's not a lot for
one person to handle; but if you feel that
you want a little help, then bring a friend).
The next meeting is October 24th at 5:30
in CHEM 160.
Upcoming Dance: shall remain
nameless, but it's coming up. Watch for it
around the middle of November.
The432: You're holding it. Without a doubt the hottest piece of newsprint
on campus, and just think, you could
potentially contribute an article or two....
Council Meetings: Every Thursday at 1:30 in the Council Chambers,
upstairs in SUB (room 206). Any Science
student is welcome to come.
October 17,1990 Attention All UBC Clubs and Organizations
Well ... just bring all relevant information (Date, Time, Sponsors, Place) to
Chem 160 and SUDS will try and attend!
Note;   SUDS is a non-profit organization
whose mandate includes:
(1) The promotion of all bzzr functions (funerals and fraternity events excluded);.
(2) The act of bribery as a source of encouragement; and
(3) The use of all shrubbery as alternate latrines.
SUDS does not endorse being stupid. Don't drink and drive.
-by Ari Giligson-
These days, the molecular biological
sciences (Biochemistry, Microbiology,
Immunology, etc.) are "kit" sciences. That
is, there are commercially available kits
or sets of products made to conduct almost
any common protocol; all that the user
need have is a proficiency in basic lab
technique, pipetting and diluting, and a
great deal of money.
For example, there are DNA
sequencing kits and machines, plasmid
vector insertion kits, kits and machines to
biochemically amplify isolated DNA
sequences a billionfold, and of course,
machines to synthesize, from scratch,
custom DNA sequences. There are kits to
identify a bacterium to high accuracy —
one need only grow a colony, stab it with
a needle, and pull that needle through a
tube. There is a machine that reads two-
dimensional protein gels (like chromatography) and positively identifies almost
every protein from a database — one
need only have $30 000 to spend. And
there are many, many more such labour-
saving devices and systems.
"So, great," say you. "So, what's
the big deal?"
The problem with this profusion
of kits is not so much that the sciences
involved will be overtaken by a bunch of
button-pushing morons who can'tdoany
more than run experiments as dictated by
instruction manuals and automatically
spew out pre-determined research publications pre-formatted on their computers
... because, after all, good scientists will
still manage to put out creative experiments despite the labour-saving techniques. The problem is that science today
is gently being nudged into certain research directions by the availability of
The 432
fast techniques (ie. supply and demand
— rules of the marketplace).
If you are a researcher looking for
something to publish (which is, after all,
what you get rewarded for), are you going
to waste valuable time researching and
developing a totally new protocol to apply
to your problem, or will you settle for a
commercially available method that may
not be the best or most revealing experiment but is definitely the fastest way to
get a paper out? The scientist is thus
influenced by the rules of the marketplace
which the manufacturers and suppliers
have set up, as well as by the university's
pressure to publish.
Certainly the manufacturers of kits
are responding to a demand in the
marketplace that was created by the
scientists themselves, and the relationship
in that sense is mutually beneficial. But,
once a product is on the market and a
great deal of money has been invested in
its development, it is in the manufacturer's
interest to keep it selling for as long as
possible. Thus, new research methods,
unless they are ground-breaking and pose
the possibility of a whole new product
line, are not what an established manufacturer would like to see.
Science must be wary of taking
the easy way. It must be able to distance
itself from the marketplace. Part of that
responsibility lies in the university' s evaluation of a researcher's worth in terms of
numbers of papers published. And part of
it must, as always, rest on the shoulders of
the scientist.
A little-known but unsurprisingfact about
Ari Giligson is that if you stare at him for
long enough, his hair falls off. Ari has
eaten more than one macadamia nut.
That's Trivial! Answers
Sir John A. Macdonald
tion pour la Liberation du Quebec
April 17,1982
kidnapped a cabinet minister from
The British North America Act
Britain, and murdered one from
Audrey McLaughlin
Quebec. This prompted Prime
Manitoba and Newfoundland
Minister Trudeau to use the War
Measures Act to suspend civil
The Hudson's Bay Trading Com
liberties and impose martial law
to deal with the crisis.
Newfoundland, in 1949
The Treaty of Ghent
Louis Riel
Sir Wilfred Laurier (1896-1911)
Hibernia Oil
The Judicial Committee of the
Port Royal, in Acadia
Privy Council
John Cabot, in 1497
Montcalm (France) and Wolfe
(Great Britain)
Bonus Question: The Riel Rebellions of
1870-71 and 1885, the Winnipeg
Labrador (betweenNewfoundland
General Strike of 1919, the 1970
and Quebec)
October Crisis, and the Oka Crisis
In October of 1970, the Federa-
of 1990.
C3 Physsoc presents... CZ>
Halo ween '90
Costume Party
Friday, October 26 Tickets $3.00 from
7:00 -10:00 p.m. Physsoc Execs or
Hennings 318 Hennings 307
- Food - Prizes - Babes -
October 17,1990


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