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The 432 Sep 28, 1988

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^£^ lPS^   £A SI flf^f ^
taught  my arts elective!!   jf
OBC Archive* Senoi
Volume 2, Number 2
Wednesday, September 28, 1988
"It was horrible. They
entered the classroom and
claimed to be Anthropology
TA's, but I could tell
when they started
levitating textbooks
and surviving Subway
fries...that they just
weren't human!"
In a dazzling and
amazing interview last
week, Clarence Wool-
prominent second-
year microbiologist,
revealed that his
Anthropology course
last year had been
taught by evil aliens
from outer space!
Said Clarence, "They
threatened to eat us all...except the pre-Comms. They
seemed to like the pre-
In an exclusive head-to-
head interview, Dr. David
Strangway, president of the
department of the Univer-j
sity. |
University and member of ("That's stupid," he said. "Iff
the Astronomy Department, ] they had, I would have seen
denied that these horrible
green and purple bug-eyed
mutants had landed on
campus and spread in dis-
guise   to   infiltrate   every
it on the Journal with Barbara Frum."
CITR denied having blocked,
publicity of trie landing.       1
"Sometimes they would
walk in and start eating the
chalk and drawing on
the board with banana
peels," said Clarence.
"The pre-Comms
laughed, of course, but
the rest of us just
wanted to leave and
run as fast as we could
- but they wouldn't let
us, sometimes not even
until after 11:20!"
An Astronomy student
told  us   that  he  had
seen the aliens land.
"They came  down all
glowing, like the Horse-
head in 7 x 50's, and landed
right on the Cheeze Pub. I
don't  know  if that  helps
you," said Donald
Also in
is Issue
o The
return of
• Kill
• Unc
• Other
• s
tuff too
I.N. 5TE1N   ^  km ©net
^ The Return of Dik Miller,  Campus Cowboy
It was a dark and stormy
day. Nothing unusual, mind
you, but dark and stormy,
nonetheless. I was walking
in the midst of this storm,
getting rather wet, as is to be
expected. Getting wet is my
job. I'm Dik Miller, campus
■■■?%&.  -&-'^ '-$ t
Those of you who know who
I am may be wondering
about a few things: (a) What
happened to Dik Miller,
private eye? (b) Where has he
been for the past year and a
half? (c) Why is he a campus
cowboy? Those of you who
don't know who I am may be
wondering about one thing:
(a) Who the hell is this Dik
Miller guy anyway? For
those of you who do know
who I am, I will explain. For
those of you who don't, you'll
figure it out.
The last event in my life as a
private eye was the destruction of the evil (and otherwise
generally unpleasant) G.I.
Mac, a psychopathic assassin from Hell (or somewhere
thereabouts).      After     the
stress of that experience, I
decided to take some time off
with my girlfriend of the
time. We bought a boat and
set sail for the South Pacific.
As you may know, the South
Pacific is rather a long way
off, so it took rather a long
We had found a suitably
deserted island, with the
stereotypical swaying palms
and ivory sands, and decided
to hold up for the night. The
night went by, as nights tend
to do, rather darkly. Morning
arrived and I discovered that
the island was more deserted
than it had been before; my
girlfriend had split with the
boat and I was stranded, entirely alone with the trees
and the sand and several
thousand kilometres of open
ing a canoe from a palm tree
with my Dik Miller (tm)
Canoe Carver/Fountain
Pen. When finished, I filled it
with a large supply of
coconuts and Chicken Mc-
Nuggets, waited for a
favourable trade wind, and
set out for the long, arduous
journey to civilization.
About ten minutes into my
trip, the canoe was struck by
a passing ocean liner, throwing me, the coconuts, and
the Chicken McNuggets into
the foaming deep. Sharks
circled. The sun beat down
mercilessly. I started to hallucinate, floating for what
seemed like hours in an endless limbo, until I was plucked from the water. I awoke on
deck and found myself staring into the face of a naval-
looking person.
I subsisted for about eight "How  long  was   I   in  the
months   on   nothing   but water?" I asked groggily.
coconuts and junk food that
drifted in from a McDonald's "About thirty seconds," he
on the nearest island, some replied.
hundred  kilometres   away,
and bided my time by carv- When I regained conscious
ness, I was in a hospital back
in Vancouver, having
awoken from a coma induced by the improper nutrition in coconuts and the
preservatives in Chicken McNuggets. After release from
the hospital, I went to my office building, but found that
my girlfriend had sold my office to a pet grooming supply store and run off to
That's when I decided to give
up on private investigation.
Actually, I didn't decide;
somehow, my girlfriend - or
former girlfriend, I should
say - had acquired a court
order preventing me from
doing investigations for
years to come. I applied to
UBC for Traffic and Security
training, took it, and became
an official campus cowboy.
And that's the story.
NEXT ISSUE: The adventure
Biosoc Logo Contest
Biosoc - the Biological
Sciences Society - is searching desperately for a logo
that incorporates the major
concepts of Biology (ie.
plants and animals). The
logo should be a simple,
bold design, and should
contain the name "Biosoc."
It should also make
reference to the major concepts in Biology (animals
and plants), if applicable,
and should be submitted
on 8.5 x 11" white paper
(with dark ink) to the Biology Office (BIOL 2523) by
October 7th, 1988.
The winner will be announced and printed (with
the two runners-up) in the
October 12th issue of The
432 and will receive a T-
shirt with his or her logo on
it. You can enter as many
times as you like. Good
CompSci Apologizes
On behalf of the Computer
Science Students' Society, I
would like to apologize to Mr.
Peter Mcdougall, whose
drawing we used in the 1988
CSSS yearbook without his
permission. The drawing
was the '88 Tricycle Race
logo, an excellent depiction
of a student balancing a
tricycle on two wheels while
avoiding a pylon. We included the drawing because
a Comp-Sci team, the Pascal
The 432
Pedallers, won the race.
Again, sincerest apologies
from CSSS. We look forward
to using more of your drawings in future editions of the
yearbook (only with your
consent this time!).
Mike Sample
President 88-89
Don't get left out. This limited edition of the year's best seller
is going quickly. There are hundreds of 2-for-1 and 50%
offers to enjoy for a full year of food, fun and travel.
- Page 2
September 28,1988 by Keith Kozak
An accident happens. People are injured.
You need an. ambulance. Where do you call?
Recent changes have been made in the
telephone ambulance call system at UBC,
and those changes have not been noted in
the various campus publications, including
the Science Guider which list them.
The eorrect number to call to reach ambulance dispatch is 911, or, alternatively,
872-5151. Telephones and directories on
campus instead list the telephone number
for the fire department, which is a separate
Last spring an ambulance station was set up
on campus, staffed by highly trained Emergency Medical Assistants, and it is time that
this station be recognized and posted.
3r'yeat  Quantum Physics
Walter, or "MAD DOG" as he's
affectionatly known to the UBC
chess club, enjoys keeping in
shape by carting large text
books between libraries. Says
"Gotta   look  good  for   the
Former Science Dean R.C. Miller, Jr.
has been appointed Vice President
of the University In charge of research. Since the beginning of the
academic term, the Acting Dean has
been Associate E>ean Dolphin of
Chemistry, and the search is on for
a new Dean. Our hope in the SUS is
that Associate Dean McMillan of
Physics, who has in the past been
extremely supportive of student activities, will be appointed. In any
case, the appointment should be
made in the new year.
Those of you who noticed that Todd
Abiett is still president of the
Science Undergraduate Society may
be wondering where Martin Lampa,
president-elect, went. It turns out
that he has been accepted into the
Faculty of Medicine and is continuing his studies there. We wish him
luck in his new endeavours.
by Kyle R. Kirkwood
It seems that God has made a rather
big mistake with Carl Baugh - Bible
Scientist. Working out of his paleon-
tological dig site on the Paluxy River
near Glen Rose, Texas, Baugh has continually claimed to have found human
and dinosaur footprints mingled
together in the strata. Considering that
the dinosaurs died some 60 million
years before the first even vaguely
hominid footprint scratched the
muddy surface of the Earth, one would
have to give Rev. Baugh a falling grade
as a scientist.
While attending the National Bible-
Science Conference in 1984, he displayed two rock concretions claiming
they were fossilized skulls of a cat and
a primate. In 1985, he travelled the
country showing people a mammoth
tooth, claiming it was a fine example of
sabretooth tiger dentition. More
recently this proponent of creatlonism
claimed to have discovered the remains
of a dinosaur, not yet fully fossilized
with age. Baugh identified his bones as
coming from the neck of a plant-eating
sauropod dinosaur similar to the
Miracle of miracles, if he did not truly
find a dinosaur. It appears to have been
a meat-eating Acrocanthrosaurus, a
genus known only from a few partial
skeletons. Unfortunately for Baugh,
the unfossilized bones of his dinosaur
turned out to be the fossilized teeth of
a crocodile. The neck bones were in fact
part of the Acanthrosaurus' tail.
But still Baugh has, or rather had, a
major paleontological find. In one of
those mean twists of fate it seems the
Paluxy River overflowed its banks,
washing away all evidence of his find,
leaving the real scientists to ponder a
new antedeluvian mystery, and the
world just a little poorer.
SAVING SPREE'...x\o\ just ci coupon book, a
saving snick is divided in 4 sections, each has 2 for 1 and lots of special offers
that always save you money! Places and things we all enjoy - dailyl
• Food For All
Popular chains and favourite
neighbourhood restaurants
•Merchandise & Services
Clothes, shoes, car care, dry
cleaning, and more
• Fun Times
Movies, sports, recreation and travel
• Win a $25,000 Scholarship
saving SPREE -   Like Money in the Bank   •
Youth Savings
Great savings just for young people.
September 28,1988
- Page 3 -
The 432 /^dk
Last weekend myself and a
colleague left town on a field
trip to collect the final data
for my thesis paper. We
were just past Hope when
the left front tire on our
vehicle went flat. We pulled
over to fix it. In the trunk
we found a working jack but
no spare tire. We took the
flat tire off the car and
decided to walk back to the
garage in Hope to have the
tire repaired. It seemed like
a simple chore as the road
was all downhill. We rolled
the tire down the hill as we
walked. The tire quickly
began to gain speed and
soon was out of reach and
out of control. The tire
bounced over the curb and
into a deep gully, lost
forever. We continued into
town and went to the local
wreckers. Unfortunatley
the proprietor was gone for
lunch so we decided to wait.
While we were waiting, it
began to rain. We tried to
seek protection under the
front porch but this area
was being guarded by a big
nasty Doberman. This left
us no choice but to stand in
the rain and wait for the
wrecker. The wrecker
returned from lunch and
while we shivered and snif
fled, he selected the right
size tire for our car. I pulled
out my wallet and paid with
my Visa card. The cashier
returned and handed my
Visa card back to me. I put
the card In my shirt pocket.
At the same time, there was
another person at the
wrecker picking up some
bumpers for his vehicle. He
offered us a ride back to our
car. We arrived back at our
vehicle and put the wheel
back on with no trouble. We
climbed into the car, threw
our wet jackets into the
back seat and proceeded on
our way .A few miles down
the road we saw a
hitchhiker. Since it was still
raining we were nice and offered him a lift. The
hitchhiker rode in the back
seat for several miles and we
let him out at a fork in the
road. It was getting late and
at the next town we decided
it was time to eat. We
grabbed our jackets and ran
between the raindrops into
the nearest cafe. After we
had eaten and were trying to
pay the bill we both realized
that our wallets were missing. The hitchhiker must
have stolen them. The
owner of the cafe demanded
that we wash dishes to pay
our tab. While we were
washing dishes, I grabbed a
broken glass and put a big
gash into my thumb. We
raced to the next town to the
emergency room at the
hospital. My thumb needed
stitches and I needed a
tetanus shot. When we
came out of the hospital we
could not find the car. It
had been stolen, and with it,
all our clothes and all my
thesis notes. We phoned
the local RCMP to report the
theft and were told we would
have to come down first
thing in the morning to
make a statement. By now
it was getting dark and we
were quite exhausted, but
we had no money to get a
hotel. Suddenly I remembered my Visa card was in
my shirt pocket. We quickly rented a room.I was just
beginning to fall asleep
when there was a loud
banging on the door. I
opened the door and there
was the manager of the
hotel with an RCMP officer.
Apparently the Visa I used
to pay for the room was not
mine but another one that
had been reported stolen
earlier that day. I figured
my Visa must have been
mixed up with the person we
met at the wreckers earlier,
but since I could not
produce any identification
the cop was not interested
in my story at all. We were
hustled downtown into a
cell and the next morning a
date was set for a trial. As
soon as we were released,
we hitchhiked home.So,
Uncle Rusty, now my life is
a mess. I have a cold
(maybe the flu), I have a
gash on my thumb (it may
be infected), my arm hurts
like hell from the tetanus
shot, my wallet with all my
money and all my identification is gone, my car is
stolen and all my thesis
notes are gone too. Since I
lost my thesis notes I
probably won't graduate
this spring and all my student loans are coming due.
I also have to try and find a
lawyer who will represent
me in court next month. I
am at the very end of my
rope and desperately need
advice to help put some
order back into my life.
Gee, that's just awful.
Sincerely, UNCLE RUSTY
su^^Mi^     SPONSORS* 8V
207-201     Biosoc
The 432
Science Student
• What you need to know about Science UBC
Still available at Scarfe 9 (228-4235)
Totally, absolutely FREE
• Pick yours up now
Page 4;
September 28,1988 Of Mice and Men (and Women
and Sedgewick Library)
Of Mice and Men
by Sulan ChongKit
Ya know, I wuz reading Discover the other day and dey
had this weird artikul on
killer mice.
See dis pictur?
I knows now why
dem pepole
youse arrange to
meet in
Sedgewick Never
Dey probably
were waiting for
you behind duh
stacks and den
dem BIG rats
sneak up, howl
like fire alarms
Da mouse on its hind legs is
howling, calling the rest of ^^epo^e^pT'dere
its pack to join in the kill
The other mice behave like
where no won can hear dem
screaming until duh mice
™Je*L*!^    i^ff P™1 feel likes eating dem. Dats
why the librariens don't
wantcha to eat in Sedge ~ it
attracts the mice and due to
budget cuts, the librariens
can't afford the lawsuits
when yer folks find out what
and then attacking. The
auther says deys mice make
nice pets. Ya. know, seeing
dis pictur, I had a revala-
and drag dem through the Just   Put   some   tigers   in lawsuit money can come out
sewers to Main Basement. SedSe to &et rid of the rats-   of Zoology's budget. It's not
an original idea (i think
some guy named Steinbeck
thought of it first), but it
The tigers might eat sum would work. I'm gonna tell
pepole, but with dem red the librariens, and if you do
coats to get the tigers' atten- t0o, maybe we can get rid of
tiun, the Geers would be the the mice and the Geers at
first to go anyhow. Anyways, the same time. I'm Sulan
if sumbody sues the ChongKit, and thank
librariens, dey can say it's for y0Ur support.
1. j r j    ... i i-    zoology's   fault   that   the
happuned. I don t know why ^
dem dumb librariens don't
tigers were loose and the
Are you having a nice
1. Yes □
extra      cigarettes
Are you intending to continue this practice tomor- 3. Who, me? Q
row, or is one at a time more
than you can stand? Do
you feel the slightest bit
guilty at enjoying yourself
while millions of people are
dying in agony the world
3. No □
Are you paying attention?
Or do you prefer to let
mumbling fester and grow
until a generation of delinquents has taken over
society? Are you such a
sociopath, a misanthrope
that you can't understand
your own identity?
Are you opposed to the idea
of happiness? Would you Thank you for your
rather spoil other people's response. Please use pen-
lives in your own cil. You will be burned at
sadomasochistic stupor sunrise on the south field,
than go out and have a nice Try not to be late,
day yourself? Do you enjoy
wading in a sea of bitterness and anger, spreading
discontent to the rest of the
world and increasing the
pollution levels  from the
«H OF B*,r
Computing Centre
-S     —'
12:30 - 3:30 P.M.
September 28,1988
Page 5
Scarfe room 9
$1.2.0 -for XOO sheets
(ZO% of-f Bocks* ire price.)
The 432 Seminars
Botany Department
Tuesdays, 12:30pm, BIOL 2000
Sept. 20 - Dr. Frances Dupont, USDA/ARS
"Na+/H+ exchange in barley."
Sept. 27 - Lesley Green, UBC
"Life history stage ratios."
Oct.   4 - Dr. Winslow Briggs, Stanford
"Completentary chromatic adaptation in a cyanobacterium."
Oct.  11 - Paul Spencer, UBC
"Signal compound specificity."
Oct.   18 - Dr. Luis Oliveira, UBC
"Ca+ and germination."
Oct. 25 - Don Champagne, UBC
"Antiherbivore mechanisms."
Nov.    1 - Dr. Gary Bradfield, UBC
"Variation in tidal marshes."
Nov.   8 - Dr. Emilia Klut, UBC
"Fluorescence microscopy."
Nov.   15 - Greg Doucette, UBC
"Nutrition in red tide algae."
Nov. 22 - Dr. Uzi Kafkafi, Agriculture,
Hebrew University
"Salinity response of plants."
Nov. 29 - Murray Webb, UBC
"Membrane thylakoid lipids."
Thursday, Sept. 22, 1988, BIOL 1465
Dr. Kristin Orians, MIT
"Marine geochemistry of aluminum/gallium."
Thursdays, 4:00pm, HENN 201
Sept. 22 - A. Bishop, Los Alamos
"Pattern formation and chaos."
Sept. 29 - A. Strominger, Santa Barbara
'Wormholes and baby universes."
A. Jacobs
"High temp superconductors."
Oct.   6 - S. John, Princeton
"Classical localization."
Oct.  13 - G. West, Los Alamos
"WIMPS and dark matter."
Oct 20 - P. Assimakopolous, Greece
"Repercussions of Chernobyl."
Oct. 27 - R. Sobie, UBC
"SLD/SCL particle physics."
Nov.   3 - P. Freund, Chicago
"Statics of superstrings."
by Julie Memory
"The UBC Spirit is Coming
Home" is this year's motto
for Homecoming Week, Oct.
3-7. In previous years, no
one even knew that UBC
had a homecoming week.
This year will be different,
says Michael Lee, chair of
the Homecoming Committee. With a week full of
events designed to encourage students to welcome home the alumni, it
very well could be. Those
events of particular interest
Homecoming football
game, Sat., Oct. 1, 7:30pm.
Homecoming parade, Mon.,
Oct. 3, 12:30pm. All students are invited to participate, and the most
spirited (not drunk) entry
will be awarded a trophy.
Homecoming Pit bash,
Mon., Oct. 3, 10:00pm. A
"spirit shooter" will be on
Decorate Your Building
competition, Oct. 1-8.
Scavenger Hunt, Oct. 3-7.
Arts '20 Relay Race, Thurs.,
Oct. 6, 12:30pm.
Homecoming Oktoberfest,
Fri., Oct. 7, 8:00pm in the
SUB Ballroom. Get tickets
For more info on any of the
events and how you can get
involved, come to Scarfe 9.
jtine juCauiiiivS xor
the year for
The 432
October 5,19
November 7^16
December 28
,   January 11
February 1,15
March 1,15
4pm to Scarfe 9
The 432
Page 6
September 28,1988 AMS Report
by Julie Memory, First Vice
It was along and busy night
for AMS Council this week
(Sept. 21). A summary of
motions carried is as follows:
Mr. Bill McNulty has been
reappointed as an AMS representative to the University Athletic Council for a
two-year term. He previously served for a three-
year term.
After a half-hour debate,
Council decided to continue to make charitable
donations. A $50,00 pledge
to the B.C. Wheelchair
Sports Association was
then made.
AMS President Tim Bird
and Director of Finance
Karl Kottmeier will be paid
for the two days they
worked at the beginning of
Council has decided to support the principle of building a new recreation
facility. The referendum
starts at the end of October.
Applications for positions
on the CPAC (Capital
Projects Acquisition Committee) are now being accepted, as are positions for
the Aquatic Centre
Management Committee
and the Thunderbird
Winter Sports Complex
Committee. Deadline was
September 27th.
Also under discussion was
the report from the Ad Hoc
Committee on Tuition Fee
Increases, which included
ideas to include in a report
to the Board of Governors.
Anyone interested in more
information on these or any
other proceedings should
come to Scarfe 9 to see me
(Julie Memory) or Ari Gilig-
son, AMS Rep.
The 432 is published biweekly by the Science Undergraduate Society of the University of British Columbia, located in room 9 of the Scarfe Education Building, 2125
Main Mall, at the University of British Columbia, Vancouver, B.C., Canada V6T 1W5. Phone (604) 228-4235.
©1988 SUS VuBUcatwns
Volume 2, Number 2, published Wed., Sept. 28, 1988
Editor: Derek K. Miller
Contributors: Kyle R. Kirkwood, Sulan Chong-Kit, Russ
Monger, Allan Sharp, Dave New, Julie Memory, Derek K.
Miller, Johan Stroman, Mike Sample, Keith Kozak, Ken
Artist: Ken Otter
Photographers: Whoever took photos last year
Computer Operations: Derek K. Miller
Layout: Derek K. Miller, Julie Thomson, Lorraine Yau, Ber-
nice Lam, Ken Otter
We've almost got it together now. Meetings are held every
Thursday at 12:30pm. Meet at Scarfe 9. Another issue or
two and I might actually figure out the desktop publishing
fad r>o, we cki-'-f e*<v+0
Letters to the Editor and the Like
Dear 432,
Having noticed that your
title added to itself backwards is the number of the
Beast (432 + 234 = 666), I
determined that you are
controlled by Agents of the
Anti-Christ. This being so I
am writing Billy Graham to
see if I can arrange for him
to condemn you from the
pulpit next time he's in Vancouver.
Agnes Day
I assure you that we are not
controlled by Agents of the
Anti-Christ, or even Salesmen of the Anti-Christ. We
are a friendly bunch of
down-home people who only
practice Satanic rituals
every other week. Eb of;
ecalp ecin a si lleh. - Ed.
September 28,1988
Dear Editor,
I just heard that the Beatles
broke up. I can't believe it.
Is this true? Oh well, at least
we still have Elvis.
Maynard Krebs
lates-Phylogeny 8
Dear Editor,
Jeff Shantz,
Geology 5 Perhaps we should change
in a Montana our tactics. If we convince
the government that we're
posing a health hazard to
the University community,
maybe they can force someone to give us a bigger office.
Will the SUS ever be getting
a larger office? I'm tired of
going to the cubby hole at
lunch to find it packed with Dear 432,
people - standing room only.
I've got nowhere to rest my Since you  are  a  Science
weary  bones   and   aching type, I thought I'd ask you
feet. And besides, as one of something. What is gravity?
the largest faculties on campus,   don't  we   deserve   a
larger office? Anyway, you
know what they say about
germs, crowds, and small
- Page 7 -
The popular belief that Sir
Isaac Newton invented
gravity in 1867 as a means
of more easily getting apples
out of his tree has held back
a true understanding of this
mysterious force for centuries. The modern idea
that gravity is an attractive
force having to do with the
mass of the Earth pulling on
your body is also false;
gravity is in fact a repulsive
force directed at Earth by
hostile aliens who are trying
to prevent us from exploring
the Universe. Without such
effort on their part, space
travel would be no more
complex than hot air ballooning. - Ed
Winthrop Hrothgar
Denial Concepts 3
W£W JWA  rt6l.IV
The 432 Meeting Dates 88
The 432
SUS Council
Sports Skyrocket Spirit
The September 20th Ubyssey editorial seems to have
been written by some
variety of apathetic bookworm. Recreational Sports
are an essential part of
campus life : they brings
people together, create
healthy, alert, and diverse
individuals, and, above all,
foster school spirit in the
student body.
UBC has been accused of
being a school without a lot
of spirit. In actual fact,
regardless of the recent
whinings of a minority of
the students, UBC has
proven time and again to be
a university with class. In
the past 60 years, since the
historical Great Trek, men
and women have paid a
small amount each year to
The 432
create new facilities for future students. Even the
Ubyssey has its offices in
the Student Union Building, built in part through
extra fees assessed to students in the past years. Is
our decade to be the first to
defy this tradition?
The new student sports
complex must be built to
service future students
wanting to participate in
Recreational Sports .The
minimal addition to student fees is one way each of
us can contribute to this
wonderful campus. It horrifies me to think that we
cannot sacrifice one night
out (cost approx. $30.00) to
build the new center.
Keith McCall
Sports Direc-
The Claudio-of-the-week picture. Yes, he's 2nd Vice Prez.
Did you
know that
rebates you
2/3 of most
Sports Fees?
You do now
Page 8 -
September 28,1988


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