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UBC Publications

The 432 Mar 10, 1999

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Array VOLUME   12   ISSUE   10  •  03.10.99
Millenium Bug Comes
Early, City Unprepared
--my 12
In a surprising turn of events, Vancouver
was recently paralyzed by the- "Millenium
Bug". Previously thought to be a global computer date incompatability problem, it was
revealed Friday that the Millenium Bug is in
fact a large moth.
Initially thought by observers to be harmless,   the   Millenium   Bug
struck the Westside, where it
began to wreak havoc on the
city's infrastructure.
Landing at the intersection of
Richards     and    Nelson,     the
at passersby.  When a small boy pointed out to the Kurds that the large moth was
not, in fact, one of them, the Kurds began throwing stones at the moth.
Robson St. shopper Tina Lewis describes what happened next - "So there was this
big moth, right, which was really cool 'cos insects are like the new big thing for hair
clip decorations. But this one didn't have any jewels or, like, sparkly bits, except for
this drool streamer hanging from it's mouth that kind of caught the light a bit, right?
Anyway, it started breathing fire, and it totally toasted those Middle Eastern protester guys. At first I didn't think they were protesters though; I thought they were running a falafel stand. Then when I asked one for a Hummous Donair, he freaked on
me and threw a rock."
As the destruction continued, UBC scientists held a press conference in which they
announced   that   the   sudden
"When I asked for a hummous donair
He freaked on me
Millenium Bug wiped out the city's prostitution network in a single wingbeat. A
Touch of Love Massage Parlour
"employee" identified only as Candy
commented, "When the Health Van
came around last week, the nice doctor
said that next time he'd be bringing something that would clear up all of our infections. I didn't think this was what he meant
though. And Cindy, my partner, was only
two days away from retirement..."
Continuing on to the steps of the Art
Gallery, the Bug attempted to mix with a
crowd of Kurdish protesters throwing stones
And threw a rock.
appearance of the bug was most
likely linked to a recent large-
scale ecological disruption of the bug's natural environment. Although researchers are still speculating,
the  general  consensus   seems, to   be   that  the
Millenium Bug was driven from its lair in Whalley
by the city's recent attempt to make it on to
Guiness Records Live in Prime Time with
"World's Biggest Fart".
Immediately following this announcement,
a large tent was erected in a Langley field for "Bug Aid '99". While organizers were
unable to book promised acts U2 and The Rolling Stones, the lineup included John
Tesh, Love Inc., and speedbump.
B-list celebrities quickly rallied to show their support for the bug. Soleil Moon Frye
remarked that "It's our fault that the Millenium Bug was driven from its home, we
should help it to return. If we all send out our love, maybe the Bug will feel it, and
tina lewis, robson st. shopper
return here, to a new, safe home
where it can..."
The interview was cut short
when the Millenium Bug "felt
the love", returned to the festival
site, and attempeted to mate
with the former Punky Brewster
The Armed Forces, fortified with
150 units of local Boy Scouts,
were airlifted into Langley to trap
the Millenium Bug. Gen. Gray
outlined the plan of attack -
"First we'll establish a perimeter
around the its lair with
Howitzers manned by Boy Scouts
placed every 5 metres. We're
going to lure it out with fresh
excrement, and then we're
gonna try that thing they did in
Jaws with the the compressed air
cannister. If that doesn't work,
we're gonna try Raid."
Unfortunately, the General's
plan was never put into place. As
the Millenium Bug was flying
down Highway 1 it flew into the
windshield of a Ford Explorer
and was killed instantly.
sprint 450 metres
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run 1.5 km
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Canada's Music World
Rocked by Fiery Crash
Tragedy rocked Canada's music scene
last weekend. With the shot of one
gun, four of Canada's biggest acts
went down in history aboard their
chartered jet in a freak snow storm in
Michigan. Joining the ranks of John
Denver and Buddy Holly are the band
members of 54-40, Econoline Crush,
The Odds, and Pure. Also dead are the
pilot, co-pilot, two waitresses, a gay
opposum named Gary, and some
band called The Planet Smashers.
Authorities were quick to arrive on-
scene and recover the black box.
"It was the most awful sight," said a
visibly shaken NTSC response officer.
"When we approached the site, the
entire field where they crashed
seemed to sparkle and shine with the
grizzly light of flaming jet fuel and
burning wreckage."
The plane's record showed nothing
wrong mechanically, and the com
puter checks  came back at  100%.
Human error is suspected.
Incredibly, all five bands were to
appear at this year's Arts County Fair.
The bands were on their way to UBC
to sign more exclusivity contracts
when their plane was swallowed by
the storm.
Sharon Fourtaine, organizer of ACF,
gave no official comments at the Arts
press conference, but 432 staffer Jake
Gray got an exclusive interview later
that day in the Gallery.
When asked what she would do now
that the five signed bands were all
being identified by their dental
records and blood type, Sharon was
rather tight-lipped:
"Arts County Fair will proceed as
planned. Students can still line up
like cattle for $2.50 beer and pass-out
amid the puddles of urine. The way I
see it, things haven't changed. The
only difference now is that.Michael
Bolton will headline, backed by Three
Dog Night and Huevos Rancheros." page two
Reflections on the Physics of Farting
As I sit staring at the unfriendly end
of a cathode ray tube bombarding
my skull with x-rays, I can't help
thinking about Women's Logger Sports.
This is by far the best sporting event ever
conceived by mankind. I watched for
the first time on Television a few nights
ago. It was the best show I've seen in
years. It's got everything. There's
wornen, chainsaws, throwing axes, and a
very real chance that someone will lose a
limb. The women aTe way funner to
watch then the men's Lumber Jack contests. The women tend to wear much less
protective clothing than the men
increasing both the skin quotient and
the potential for serious bloody injury.
Its all I look for in quality television programming
I haven't had a T.V. for a few weeks now,
and I haven't missed too much.
Although I do miss the. food network
with Emeril the grumpy New York chef,
the rest of the less than enlightening
crap that I haven't seen hasn't left me
feeling empty, grasping or unfulfilled.
Now If your after a few laughs with this
cooking show. It's this little pissed off
Italian who makes anything taste good
buy adding a block of lard.
"This stuff is really fattening. Lets spice
it up with some good ole Pork Fat.
You can spend an entire week surfing
through channels and find nothing
worth watching for longer than the time
till the next commercial break. I find the
CRTC to be one of those things in life
which defies any law of logic.
"Lets think of new channels to give
licenses to. These look good;
The Women's Channel 2, cause we all
know there aren't enough tampon ads
on TV,
Much More Masochism, nothing but
Bewitched, Three's Company and Full
House twenty four hours a day,
Fatty Food Network, soothing the guilt
of us all by showing people eating fattier
foods than we are,
and finally the Geek channel, showing
nothing but old Star Trek, Monty
Python, Red Dwarf and Simpsons reruns,
but with all the lines and a bouncing ball
at the bottom of the screen so every
body can talk along with the rest of the
geeks who insist on spouting of lines
from any thing they ever found remotely funny."
I would however, like to have a television for the sole reason of having some
thing to watch while folding laundry.
Laundry is one of those tasks best left to
your man-servant, or french-maid. Its
not so much that doing laundry is actually a distasteful task like cleaning public
washrooms, its just kind of boring. There
are many better ways to spend one's
time, like staring at your french-maid
folding your underwear or staring at
your french-maid folding her underwear,
just about everything goes more
smoothly when you have a french maid
in your household. The only problem is
you have to let a cheese eating frog into
your house. Next thing you know your
neighbour has annexed your back yard.
God damned french.
I believe in fostering good relations
with my neighbours. This makes life easier and more comfortable for everyone
in the neighbourhood. I know my
boundaries and they know theirs. In
these troubled times its also really helpful from a security aspect. I ask them to
watch over my place when I'm not at
home and in return I watch their place
through the eyepiece of my telescope
during the wee hours of the morning.
The wee hours of the morning are great
for all sorts of activities. When else can
you take out your army of cheese soldiers for training, or perform the druid
ritual  of  Grulackniclick,   or  cook  a
Haggis, or play nicky-nicky-nine-doors,
or have tea party with Mister Socko, Miss
Pretty Flower and Sweaty Pete? This is
the funnest time of the day. In fact the
hours of 1 to 5 a.m. can be the most productive period of the day for many
important members of society. In fact
most internet video game tournaments
don't start until 3. CT machines are free
for public use after 2 if you steal some
scrubs in the afternoon.
The CT machine was definitely not
invented by somebody with claustrophobia. If you've never seen one of
things in action, crawl into a 2 foot
diameter cement tube. Then get somebody to operate heavy machinery just
outside said tube and you'll have a pretty good idea what CT scan is like.
They're also really bad for you. Everyone
knows that X-rays aren't particularly
healthy, so what do you think shooting
X-rays through you're body in 360
degrees does to your DNA. Yep, a two
tonne rotating X-ray gun is really my
idea of a good time. God I love a good X-
I haven't had many X-Rays, but I can
tell you that MRI's are lots of fun. I had
three done over the Summer, and I've
never felt better. I never need to use a
compass anymore and
I have noticed an interesting human
phenomenon. Although I'm no sociology student, I have witnessed
enough to come to the conclusion that it
is human nature for people to irritate
each other, especially me.
Sitting quietly in SUS, busily working
away on the paper on Monday morning
after staying up all night working on this
rag, I am continually barraged by
moronic comments from all angles.
"Craig, is the paper done yet?"
"Craig, can I write something now?"
"Craig, can I use the computer to play
games when you're done?"
"Craig, is the paper done yet?"
"Craig, are these sores syphillitic or herpetic?"
"Craig, is that a roll of twonies in your
"Craig, is the paper done yet?"
"Craig, If a train leaves Houston at 4:30
bound for Santa Fe and travels at an
average velocity of 90 miles an hour and
stops four times for fifteen minutes and
the engineer is wearing baby blue briefs,
at what point will I get so motion sick
ness and throw-up out the window?"
"Craig, is the paper done yet?"
"Craig, the photocopier is out of paper
and we don't know how to load it."
"Craig, is Rex Morganntm dead?"
"Craig, how did Darth Vader go to the
"Craig, is the paper done yet?"
"Craig, if you were a necrophiliac and
you screwed your sister's corpse, would it
be incest?"
"Craig, when does the new G4 Mac
come out, and can it make toast?"
"Craig, if were going faster than the
speed of light and your phone rang,
would you pick it up?"
"Craig, is the paper done yet?"
"Craig, can you get cancer from
"Craig, is it illegal to breed squirrels for
use as targets?"
"Craig, was Tetris invented by the
Russians as part of a plot to brainwash
the youth of America?"
"Craig, is the paper done yet?"
Although I am a little baffled how a
gene for this skill could possibly represent an evolutionary advantage, it has
obviously spread through the vast
majority of the population. Granted it is
expressed with different degrees of severity in different individuals.
While I am an exceedingly tolerant and
passive individual, even I am subject to
the overpowering effect of group irritation. Sometimes I even have negative
thoughts. Once I wished someone would
die, they didn't, but I still feel bad.
I think I would have felt better if they
actually had died. While I enjoy having
someone to make fun of, it doesn't make
up for the continual annoyance and irritation.
The few people who don't annoy me on
a continual basis just happen to be regular Contibutors to the paper.
I'd like to take a little space and thank
the dedicated, selfless people who generously come to help me every other week
to produce this package of paper, this
jumble of jokes, this hill of humour, this
filefolder of fun, this Hysterical
Hysterectomy of Hilarity.
With out the valiant and tireless efforts
of Jake Gray and Andy Martin, I fear
these pages would never make it into
your hot sweaty little hands. Your eyes
would never get gaze over the soft fluid
prose which pours off the page like
yogurt slipping off a spoon. Without
their wit and acumen I alone could
never produce this prepackaged parcel of
parsimonious, pages of paper.
Sometimes I wonder how I would get
the paper out if my assistant editors both
died in a horrible bloody car crash, or a
fiery plane wreck, and I immediately
freeze up. I can't even deal with the
thought of not having their amazing
abilities to help me through the long
production weekends. Jake with his wit
and acumen is the heart and soul of this
paper, while Andy with his offbeat
humour and readiness to "kick it up a
notch" keeps us new and innovative.
Their consistent ability to get things
done when it really counts is the only
reason the 432 has been able to be produced on a consistent basis.
Thank you Andy and Jake.
Without you I'm nothing.
With you I'm really confused and somewhat disoriented. What is this Rohypnol
bottle doing here?
No editors were harmed in the making of
this editorial.
No monkeys were harmed either.
We did however kick the shit of an unsuspecting garbage can.
The above text is an example of what
happens when an editor fails to complete
his editorial, leaving the job up to his
^ underappreciated assistant.
j,T> <X h    fat ■  ~ €cf ~asst eds-
Volume 12 Issue 10
10 MARCH 1999
© 1999 The Science Undergraduate j
Society of UBC. All rights reserved.
The 432 is the official newspaper of the!
Scierice Undergraduate Society, published |
fortnighl ly by Science Undergrad Society. |
Production is dene latte, late on Sunday!
night, and discussed are such topics as the j
term trivaginal, how to hide Nathan
Allen's body, and a variety of -philias.       |_
All opinions expressed herein are strictly
those of the individual writers and not
those of The 432 or the Science Undergrad
Writers and cartoonists from all faculties
are encouraged to submit material to The
The 432 is copyrighted by The Science
Undergraduate Society of UBC and may
not be reproduced in whole or in part
without express written consent.
Sraif Tsmite
Ol' itsfullofstars@penis.com
Assistant Editors
Cartoonists Andy Martin
B. Hiss «8ititft
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Jifce St»af
smeghead ©penis.com
jiii Hallett
Andy Martin
Jake liw
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mm 3.10.99
Spare Some Change
Have you noticed that people are
behaving like rat-bastards? Do
you run into people you just
want to smack across the head 'n' shoulders with a 2x4? Have you ever wished
that everyone would just disappear from
the face of the earth? Might I suggest
that people think the same thing of you?
Such problems can be solved by a simple
suggestion: Unclench. Relax. Remove
the stick from your ass. In Sunday
School, I am told they teach the "Do
unto others" creed. Would that be so
damn hard? If you do not like it when
people hit you in the head on the bus,
remove your own backpack before
boarding. If you hate the congestion
that arises between classes, remain in
your seat until after the rush is gone.
Let's go on a little field-trip. With me as
your guide, we are going to travel to the
downtown core of Vancouver. We will
walk down Granville Street. What do we
see? People sitting on the side of the
sidewalk, asking for spare change. What
do you do in this situation? If you are
Act III Scene II - A council chamber
Halletvio the fat, hairy drunk is sitting
in the corner, dressed in white and red
checkered robes.
[Enter Princess Viviano]
Viviano.Forsooth, what fools these
nominees be. They known not their endings from a latrine. The rules are plain,
the rules are yelled from highest peak,
yet they are deaf and dumb. Pray for this
campus which I desert, for it will be led,
blind and dumb to its revelation by the
fools who vie for said hand.
Halletvio: Thou art troubled my leige?
Vivianio: Well duheth, fair Halletvio! I
weep for the future of mine kingdom.
For none of my successors may ably
guide themselves, much less the kingdom. O quaf has set this upon me? Only
you, who wetteth the floor that you sit
upon, has none violated the fair body of
democratic guidelines. Now the waitings
of all who have wronged, yet see themselves as the wronged pierce my ears.
They condemn me to a dungeon with
their sniveling.
Halletvio: Aye, I 'ave seen your greif. I
'ave seen the capabilities and myself
would weep if I were not in the midst of
the thralls of my sacred chocolate and
herb makings. May I propose to thee?
Vivianio: Anything would be welcome
except the constant knattering of the
Halletvio: Many a life like this have I
entered, and died. Returned to it and
shall once more take myself from. But
'till such a time as you to leave this life,
the trial must be dealt with. Tu s'enui
over your trial, yet he who moves will
defeat he who is standing. Action best be
taken. Best with a large, blunt object.
Vivianio:  Once  again,  fair Halletvio,
over-privileged rich egotistical sycophant that I think you are, you ignore
them and wish they weren't there. If you
are not part of the solution, you are the
problem. What if you had to ask for
spare change in order to eat? The trend is
thus: People who can find the time to
fish spare change out of their pockets
donate an inversely proportional
amount to the monetary value of the
crap they are carrying/wearing. People in
the $200 shoes, with the cell phone and
the CD player in their Gucci haversacks,
"never have" any spare change, while
the construction worker with shoddy
boots and the faded flannel jacket can
usually find at least something.
If it appears that I am on a straight-away
rant, it is because I am. The total amount
of self-centrisim in this university will
soon cause the earth's gravity to focus on
Point Grey, causing a planetary shift.
The moon leaves Earth's orbit and crash
into the southeast corner of Iraq.
Saddam Hussein will never see it coming. The massive dust cloud rising from
the impact site will completely blanket
the Earth, cutting off all light. Humans
will freeze to death within a matter of
days, in effect solving the entire problem.
Some people can do things and get
away with them, while others who try to
pull the same crap get pummelled for it.
For example, if a certain male (who shall
remain nameless) —Andy, -ed— were to ,
sit down next to one of the SUS hacks (of
the female persuasion) and put his arm
over her shoulder, she would kill him in
a fairly painful manner. Now, if Jay were
-to do exactly the same thing, she wouldn't mind. As Jay puts it, this is because
he has "fuzzy charm". People with fuzzy
charm are allowed to do anything. They
can walk into class 24 minutes late and
sit in the front row. They can grope people "by accident" and not get kneed.
Fuzzy charm is one of those things that
can only be cultivated with an immense
amount of tutoring. It's a manner of
extreme self-assurance. It also helps if
you've been tanked about five times. So
you have to ask yourself, do YOU have
fuzzy charm? If not, does this tell you
anything? I have founded a school of
Fuzzy Charm. For a minor charge, I can
help you find your own Fuzzy Charm.
Effects guaranteed, or you can have your
money back. Uh huh.
I've been pondering moving onto campus next year. It would make my life easier in a transit strike. It would cost me
Witty Prose?
your words are the lump of shit that is to
become a diamond. For I would be lifted
to remove the head of any of the nominees, their is complication of the law that
hinders said plan.
Halletvio: Do it at dark.
[Enter Moreshito]
Moreshito: Nae, nae, nae! What has
come upon me?
Vivianio (to audience): Shit. He comes
again to sully my day.
Moreshito: I am aghast mamdame.
They have robbed me of my dignity.
Halletvio: Petty theft.
Moreshito: Silence fool. I have withstood yon torment for long. Yet no one
Vivianio: What is your quarrel
Moreshito? Do not waste my daylight
with games and running. Give me the
blade of your coming here.
Moreshito: Your highness, I cannot, I
dare not, survive this much longer. My
papers have been torn asunder, my face
now lies in the mud in the streets. And
now, my prize display has been cut from
its foundations and whisked away to
only He above knows what fate.
Vivianio: Wretched Moreshito, your
postings were where they should not
have been. Yon have been told, and yon
screwed up. As for yon display upon the
grasses of the highway, I know not, nor
do I care not where they now exist. Yet
they too were cursed by your incom-
Moreshito: Yet I was told...
Vivanio: You were told wrongly, if at all.
Get thee back to yine office this instant.
Moreshito: I wilst not! I wish my case
heard by all. My tribulations have been
many, and I need my story told to all, so
that they may have pity and smite those
who do these acts against me. I will take
my case to Queen Martha if need be! If
she were not travelling at the moment, I
would surely take mine folder to her.
Halletvio: Shut the fuck up, yon progeny
of livestock. Thou hast brought yon
tribulation upon theeself, and rightfully
shall you indure them. If thy had a soul
greater than a hill of horse leavings...
Moreshito: I...I...will strike.thee for saying so.
Halletvio: Then strike, with yon girly
arms, shall thou also pull the locks from
my scalp and call me a whore?
Viviano: Enough. I have heard enough
from the pair of you. Moreshito, get thee
to thine office, Halletvio, vacate to the
Pit and continue thine debauchery in its
Halletvio: I would, but I have not a
pence on my person
Viviano: Oh cream! Take this pitiance
and begone with you.
Halletvio: K'
[Exeunt Halletvio]
Viviano: Why are thou still in my presence, why must you torment me day and
night? Why the calls and the letters and
the waiting in bushes outside my
dwelling? Leave me be, for the sake of us
both, let me be.
Moreshito: I will not leave my leige, for
I want this matter rectified before it proceeds any further. I must insist that you
take action.
Viviano: Out, out damn Scott! Pray I
not call SUB  security on thine arse.
[Enter Marshallion]
Marshallion: Have you seen what yon
CASA Sucks! people are saying...
Moreshito! What foul air has brought
you here? You pollute these chambers
with your mere presence.
Moreshito: I come to plead my case
before the Princess. Now that you have
arrived, you too shall know me sorrow.
Though you art mine advesary, my hope
is that you shall listen and know my just
Marshallion: If whining be the language
more money that I can possibly make in
a summer. I'd be living with three other
people, who I don't' know. That may be
a good point or a bad point; I'm not sure
yet. It would also make my writing for
the paper easier. <pause> It has been
brought to my attention that this entire
paragraph is a case of "Bellybutton
Contemplation". Is that a bad thing?
Does it really matter? If you've read this
far, you either a) like the writing style
and love ME, b) are in chemistry class
and cannot stand listening about beta-
acyl nucleophiles, or c) aren't paying
attention. I'd launch into a "people are
lemmings" line, but I've done that
before and no one paid attention. I'd
wax philosophic about medicinal marijuana, but that could get me arrested by
the Man. I could go back and encode a
secret message in this article that will
brainwash the Artsies into burning down
the SUB, but we all know the Artsies
couldn't find the SUB without a map
and a yellow-brick road. I could check
the length of this article to see if it's long
enough and then run, screaming, to my
next class. Or I could just curl up in a
ball on the couch next to a Laughing
Buddha with Fuzzy Charm.
of prickishness, bitch on.
Moreshito: Why must you, you who dri-
veth the devil stake of CASA through the
pure heart of UBC, why must you berate
me so.
Marshillion: Because thou are so easy
and so just to berate. If we were of a
more tender age I wouldst give you a
wedgie and push you into the woman's
latrine. Thou ist a prick, a pansy and
thou ist a loser.
Moreshito: And thou ist a Shiteater.
Marshillion: Enema water.
Moreshito: Horseblower.
Marshillion: Frogfucker.
[Enter Arboritum]
Arboritum: J'ai heard that, shit-for-
Viviano: I have endured enough shit to
last all my days. Screw you all, I leave for
the Pit.
[Exeunt Viviano]
Marshillion: But your highness, you
have not heard my grievances.
Arboritum: Mon Dieux! Mon problem!
J'a un problem!
[Exeunt Marshillion and Arboritum]
Moreshito: To whine or not to whine, that
is the question. Wther 'tis more productive
to bitch And blame others for my misfortune
Or Admit I am my own troubles And stop
putting Ubessey readers to sleep- No more to
bother my fellow man No chance that they
shall tank me Or hide me in a dark basement, to beat, rape and rend the flesh from
my anus. To be a man-what a dream. Aye,
there's the rub. For I shan't cry during 'What
dreams May Come" Then perhaps a penis
shall I grow. There's a pause, I'll earn respect
And perchance even get a life. Nae, that is
not the way for my future Though fine chicks
can never come to me The internet will .
always provide me with my pussy.
[Moreshito exeunts and is struck over
the head by a pair of boltcutters, Dies]
Fun Things to do
on your day off.
1. Order 300 feet of military fencing (barb wire, electric charge, the
whole works). Have it installed
around your neighbour's yard one
night while they're asleep. Dress up
in military garb, be marching up
and down the sidewalk come
dawn. Explain to them that they're
property, 3243 W. 34th Ave, has
been traded to the Republic of
Kerblakestan as part of a Nuclear
Disarmament Treaty. They are
unable to leave without the appropriate exit visas.
2. Practice rolling your eyes into
your head. Go to a church, any
church, half way through the sermon, stand up, do the eye thing
and proclaim the coming of Satan
in a deep, gravelly voice. Snap out
of it and claim no knowledge of the
events whatsoever.
3. Go to a super market and buy all
of the canned whip cream they
have and a pair of rubber gloves.
When the cashier questions you,
explain that you are putting it back
in the cow.
4. Show up to lecture early and go
to the front. Start organizing some
papers. At the bell start lecturing. If
the real prof shows up, stop mid
sentence and start at him/her for a
few seconds, then proclaim "So we
meet again, Dr. Claw! This time we
finish it!" Sprint from the room.
5. Go to New York. Visit the UN.
Find your way to the translators
room. Inform the english translator
that his car is being towed. Take
over. Whenever the Russians are
talking, threaten Britain with
nuclear strikes, whenever the
French talk, make farting noises
with your armpit.
6. Walk into the middle of a four-
way stop intersection. Start directing traffic. Let vehicles through
based on size, make, and colour
(trucks before Hondas, red before
hatch-backs, etc)
7. Bring a jack-o-lantern to class.
Sit it the seat next to you. If someone asks you if the chair is taken,
explain to them that it obviously is,
since "Mr. Pumpkin" isn't invisible.
Throughout the lecture, have noisy
one-way conversations with the
pumpkin. Bonus points for having
the pumpkin ask question.
8. Drive on the sidewalk.
10. Make a sweater from dryer lint.
11. Collect all your hair clippings
from six months of hair cuts. Sew a
12. Make up your own parking
tickets for violations such as "Too
close to asphalt," "Ugly Interior,"
and "Body in Trunk." Make checks
payable to Jake Gray.
13. Put "Closed for Service" on all
washrooms in a given building.
Distribute free coffee at the
14. Pretending to be from
PowerSmart, call up people at random offering $500 in Hydro credit
in exchange for an old working
fridge. Go pick up your free fridge.
15. Go to the hospital. Scream
"Stat" randomly.
16. Go to the pharmacy and ask
for fictional drugs with rude names
("Shitocide", "Fucktozac", etc).
When you are asked to leave, loudly exclaim "What kind of witchdoctor operation is this, anyway?"
Storm out.
17. Get a truck-load of old bed-
sheets. Set up a booth on the side
of highway with a sign that says
"Homemade parachutes: $10"
18. Go to the printers and read the
Sunday comics ahead of time (they
print them about 7 days before
hand). Try to pick up girls with
your amazing psychic cartoon powers. "Hey, baby, have this weekend's Garfield? Pretty funny stuff."
19. See how long you can stand
around in the airport constantly
referring to your lip balm.
20. Put on a suit with an earpiece.
Search people's bags at the airport.
Confiscate their underwear. Bonus
points for getting customs staff to
21. Stand by the metal detector in
the airport. Choose a victim, every
time they go through, toss a staple
through with them. See how many
people you can get sent to strip
search in an hour.
22. Go find a very a high building.
Get into the elevator and press
every button between the floor
your on and the button any person
23. Eat cheese from a can.
24. Stand out front of a Seven
Eleven and hold the door for people. Ask for a tip.
26. Hold a self help seminar. When
a bunch of snivelling little weiners
show up, introduce them to their
inner child by giving them a spanking.
27. Start a band called "the
Afterbirths" and try to get booked
to play barmitzfahs.
28. Make Kinder-bread. Buy a
white loaf of bread, hollow out the
inside, place choking hazard toys
inside, return bread to store.
29. Go to Glen Clark's house and
ask when the next poker night is.
30. Pretend to be a tour guide.
Take tourists to seedy strip clubs,
pawn shops, and dirty back alleys.
If they ask to see Stanley Park tell
them it was logged to make their
toilet paper.
31. Get an old rusty flat bed pickup. Grow a thin mustache then
drive around asking people "Hey
Meester, how much for your
Aries (March 21 - April 19): Executive Assistant. While away the
hours listening to the whines, moans and screeches of your charge.
With Vancouver's burgeoning film industry, there will be many job
opportunities. Qualifications include: High tolerance for childish
behavior, umbrella, the bordering-on-psychotic need to wear black
clothing at all times, and the extraordinary talent to grovel at will.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Chicken Sexer. Enjoy many fun filled
days of sexing the chickens. Hey, what else arc you going lo do with
your biology degree? Birds are biological. Sexing birds is biological.
We all need eggs. Omelet, anyone?
Gemini: (May 21 -June 20): Nuclear Physicist. Ah, nuclear fission.
High radioactivity, high fatality rate. Also high illicit power base.
Any renegade nuclear physicist with access to nuclear bombs can
rule the world. It's also great material for James Bond movies.
Cancer (June 21 -July 22): White House Intern. Ever since Cigar-
Gate, White House Interns have been in short supply. The bonuses
of this job are that you will never any trouble in securing the job; the
Man in charge has (hopefully) learned his lesson, and if push comes
to shove, consenting sex with men in power really isn't that unpleasant.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): Premier of British Columbia. The unlimited power! The monetary resources of the entire province at your
feet! Rule the unwashed masses with an iron fist! Have your residence raided by armed police officers! Deny everything!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Starbucks Barsita. The title,
while one step up from "tavern wench", still allows the above-mentioned unwashed masses to insult you. Hot-hot beverages can be
spilled on your hands, and your life will pass you by in spades. You'll
be risking tendentious as you pull endless shots, and your system will
be overloaded with the osmosis of caffeine. Ha ha, ha ha.
Libra: September 23 - October 22): Grim Reaper. Meet interesting
people. Walk the streets with Fear, Pain and Despair in your wake.
Most important thing of all, there can be only one Grim Reaper. No
one will come for vou.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Mutant Geneticist. While
Gemini is holding downtown Toronto hostage with her nuclear
bombs, you can unleash mutant demon beings on the unsuspecting
populace of Montreal. "All hail our new Ant Miisters!"
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Evil Mathematician.
Terrorize unsuspecting young students by thrusting your evil math
voodoo onto them. Once you have managed to convince them that
2-2 really is equal to 5, nothing will stand in your v\jy.
Capricorn (December 22 -January 19): Road Cone. Stand in trai-
lic for hours, warning the poor cars about the evil, evil road work.
Don't worry; if you're orange enough, not too many people will
crush you with their tires. As the middle child in a litter of thousands, the inhumanity might lead you to self-destruction in a hail of
bullets, taking the whole slate for the AUS elections with you.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Tyrant. What else needs to be
>aid? Rule with an iron fist. Have minions. Demand tribute. Hoard
the pillage of neighboring fiefdoms in your basement suite. Dine
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Minor Deity. While not able to
create life, the mere twitch of your nose will cause major floods,
lightening and hemorrhoids. Being a minor deity is not a hobby, it's
a life-style choice.
No space was wasted in the making of this issue. 3.10.99
Loyalty through
mimsm fmmtm
Lately I've been overhearing a number
of students, well frosh anyway, mention
how much better the Underground is
these days. I'd like to set the record
straight and point out that They Still
Suck. My plan was to read their stupid
paper, and then go on record saying how
lame it was. I expected this to be an easy
task, and to my surprise I was wrong.
Not wrong about the quality of their
paper, which as I suspected licks, sucks,
and blows major US politicians, but
wrong about the reading part. I've been
trying to read one of their stupid papers
for two days now, and I still haven't gotten through it. I'll go maybe a line, or a
paragraph or even an article, but after
that my brain rejects all the bullshit I'm
feeding it, and the next thing I know it's
two hours later and my face has been
duct-taped to the table. To the credit of
the Underground writers I don't think
there is a better incentive to read my
texts than facing their paper as the alternative.
After a great deal of caffeine, and way to
much amphetamines I've finally managed to read about half of their paper,
and I'm left with one question: "who
writes this shit?" On one page they have
a serious (read boring) article, and then
on the following page they have a slightly modified, and equally fucking boring,
article about the same thing by the same
guy. Supposedly the changes represented
censorship (Christ who cares?). I'd say
that the editor had some brains and had
used the ancient art of 'copy and paste'
to fill empty space, but that would be
giving him too much credit. More likely
some stupid bastard actually thought
that it would be funny to subject us to
his "big brother" paranoia.
Damn I'm fed up with this shit, and I
need a drink. I should have gone to the
Cheeze and then written this stupid
thing...(I did proceed to go drinking at
this point)... Well I had originally
thought it would be funny to see what I
wrote when I was fall down drunk, but
unfortunately I can't read the vast
majority of my commentary about the
Underground; however, the phrase "the
most boring piece of homoerotic, fruitcake, pigs vomit, ever spewed from a
mouth that will one day say 'would you
like fries with that?' " Does seem to
stand out. Now back to my sober
attempt to provide a fair and honest critique of this perfectly good paper, of
course when I say 'paper' the word 'ass-
wipe' is implied.
I'm not saying that the Underground is
all bad, it's just that anything of any
remote humour value is a total rip off of
other papers. Like the whole thing about
the muskrats and the drunken Artsies
(voLume 6 Issue 9 deC 2K). Or the sexual innuendoes made about the geers and
the sheep. Not to mention the idea of
using permanent ink (although I wish
they wouldn't). Hell if they could just
get over their Penis envy, and find their
own niche in the world of media they
wouldn't be so bad. Providing matches
with every issue would be a good start.
How about some filler. You want to hear
some of my famous drunk quotes? Too
fucking bad! Here they are any ways: -
Unfortunately, due to budget cuts and
labour disputes the 432 is not able to print
these four witty quips. Sorry for any inconvenience, -ed- Well that was interesting.
You really should have been there for
that first quote, it was classic.
Well that was an interesting interlude,
but I really should stop procrastinating
and finish reading the Underground so
that I can finish this stupid article. It
would be easier if the rum would just
stop making my stomach turn circles.
Hey now that's what might help those
Artsies. Give 'em some rum and maybe
they'd stop worrying about trying
to sound intelligent and just try to
be funny. Hey the drunker you are
the more everybody laughs, especially if you pass out and hurt
yourself. I figure that some of
those writers are probably pretty
cool...once they're drunk. Until
then the entire paper fust seems
too stuck-up for me.
I'd like to close with some brief
comments on some of the other
papers at UBC. First the Ubyssey.
Now it's hard to imagine a
wannabe Province, but the
Ubyssey is just that. It actually
seems to aspire to be the joke of
big media. The Campus Times I
have no idea what niche this
paper is trying to fill, but I do
know they're making money.
They have advertisements
throughout the paper, and they
are the only school paper I've ever
seen which has advertisements for
cigarettes. The EUS newsletter, a
wannabe 432, which puts them
above everything save the 432
and since I'm a geer now (or I will
be as of April) I better not mouth
them off. The Point, can't say
much as I've never read it, but it
sucks anyway. Alright that just
about does it, save for the following apology. I'd like to apologize
to 'Josh big-poppa' who just
informed me that he does not like
being referred to as 'Josh big-
poppa'. The only reason he said to
call him 'Josh big-poppa' was
because he was really drunk. So
sorry Josh it won't happen again.
Let this article be a message to all
those who dare to stand against the
432. Moz isn't the only one like
this, there are thousands of faithful
members of the Protectorate just
waiting for the word to be called
into action. Beware, -ed
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s page six
Science Executive Elections
Vote in the Science Executive Elections at any one of
the poll booths in most major Science buildings. Voting
is 8:00AM to 4:32PM Wednesday, March 17 thru
Friday, March 19.
Taryn Ike*, Official SUS hack. Currently that is my title. For the last six years I have
quietly observed, vocally contributed, and willingly volunteered for various official
and unofficial science events. I have developed an intimate knowledge of the inner
workings of SUS. I have previously served as Treasurer and Grad Council President
of the Psychology Students Association, and as Vice-President and Secretary of the
provincial level Guiding Council. I have also organized and run an International
Leadership Conference. These events have taught me the skills necessary to take on
the position of President.
• Increase AMS Funding for Science.
•Increase Science Representation on AMS Council to
Five Members.
•Eliminate Bureaucracy Between Science Council and
Science Students.
•Develop Better Relations between Science and
the University.
Internal Vice President
Hello fellow science students. My name is Jaisun Garcha and I am running for
Internal Vice President of S.U.S. This year I was elected as the president of the first
year Co-ordinated Science Program, and was able to organize many events. The
Science Undergraduate Society represents the students. It is the responsibility of the
executive to carry out activities and concentrate on important issues for science students. If I am elected as Internal V.P. I will make sure these duties are carried out
and I will work diligently with the executive council to address the needs of the students.
I'm Reka Sztopa, I have many years of experience in student politics and served this
year as the First Year Rep on SUS Council. Also, I was Co-chair of the First Year
Committee as well as serving on the Science Week and Academic Committees.
Outside of SUS, I am on the Imagine UBC Steering Committee that is organizing
next year's Imagine '99.
I am an organized and hard-working person who can do a great job next year as
your Internal VP.
So rememeber to bring your student card and vote Reka Sztopa for Internal VP.
External Vice President
Hi. My name is Amanda Seymour and I'm running for Science External Vice
President. You may remember me as last year's Internal Vice President. One of my
goals is to make AMS and SUS more relevant and significant to the average Science
student. Often the voice of Science students are droned out by the more powerful
voices in the AMS but I believe our concerns should be felt too and that's why I plan
to "Put Science First." I also would like to better promote Science Week so it's presence is felt on campus. Please come out and vote!
Hi Everyone,
My name is Amandeep Taggar. I am finishing my first year this year, and I am planning to go in Chemistry-Biology combined honours program next year. I am from
Surrey and some of my interests include painting, reading, and on top of everythig
partying hard.
I am running for this position (External VP) because I want to get more involved
with Faculty of Science, and gain more experience in leadership. I have acquired my
experience in leadership roles while I was in high school and member a of school
Accereditation Committee, Graduation committee, and Science Committee.
Publications (Acclaimed)
Bree Baxter for Director of Publications. Why? Because. The 432 has never before
had a chick editor. I've written for the 432 for two (2) years and never missed an issue
(OK, there was that Lysergic Acid Diethylamide incident in '98). I know the exact
wavelength of Science Blue. I have a verbal covenant with John Hallett that he
"might show up" occasionally to do his editing voodoo. I attend council meetings
with regularity. I've argued with Nathan Allen over CASA. I know how they get the
caramel inside the Caramilk bar. Most of all, I'm the only girl/woman/femme fatal
for the job.
Keri Gammon: She's literate (often required in a secretary), delightfully cute and
promising to leave the Cecil if elected. She will sit on AMS council and represent SUS
- and her sitting earned a gold star in kindergarten. She plays well with others, enjoys
her beverages and above all wants to see science students excited about their faculty. And hey, VOTE IN THE SUS ELECTION. Have Science pride. Show you care. Bring
your student card and wield that power. It'll feel good. Not as good as being groped
by some stranger on BC Transit, but good nonetheless.
Hi, my name is Pamela Miller and I would like to be Secretary for the Science
Undergrad Council. I have previous experience on the Council as my science program representative and I look forward to extending my responsibilities in the council. I also have major experience in avid listening and neat note-taking - invaluable
qualities for a secretary. In addition, I am a dedicated and enthusiastic team player
who wants only the best for us science students. But by far, my best quality is that
I am approachable. Come talk to me anytime, and I will make sure your concerns
are addressed.
My name's Jocelyn Read, and I keep having this dream. I'm naked, in the SUS
room, taking notes as strange people talk about beer. Then I realise they are all pawns
in my bid to take over the world. I see myself helping to expand the Voice, vaporising the cairn with a megawatt laser, fending off the evils of differential tuition and
cutbacks in science funding, taking down Micro$oft, ushering in global Utopia, and
preventing the heat death of the universe!! And taking more notes. I don't take any
in class, and I think I'm missing out on an important part of my university experience.
Mikey Boetzkes asks you what would you do with $60 000? In the last couple of
years new cars have been popular but I think we need a change. Personally, I don't
see how that helps the average student. What I have in mind is more along the lines
of a small South American country. I mean, the returns would be so much greater.
Haven't you always wanted to wear a real poppy for Remembrance Day? So remember: vote early, vote often, and most importantly, vote Mike Boetzkes for Director of
Finance because he already has a car. Free samples for all!
Hideho! I'm Jeff Steinbok. I'm a fourth year Computer Science Co-Op major,
which I guess makes me a Comp Sci Geek, as I am usually referred to. Anywho, I'm
running for SUS Director of Finance vote for me piease. I've been involved in the
SUS since my first year vole for me please, as well as sat on the AMS council representing Science, and I've got a good grasp on how the society works and spends its
money vy».- y.y me please. So, just in case you missed it, I'm Jeff, vote for me for SUS
Director of Finance.
Sports seems to be somewhat neglected in SUS. I can change that. Well, I can
change that if all you people out there vote for me. I love sports, I love interacting
with people, and people, naturally, love me! Well, a few anyways.
But to the point, I'm Sara Stamm, and I'm in first year. I've been in numerous
council positions before, I'm a co-chair of FYC, and I've participated in and organized a lot of group committees, including sports teams. Come out during SUS elections with your student card and vote, hopefully for me!
Hello, I'm Adam Mott, welcome to another wonderful year of SUS elections. You
have probably discovered I am running for Sports Representative and are wondering
what makes me qualified for that position. First, I am involved in Intramurals, so I
know the system. Those who know the system can abuse the system. Undoubtedly
you are also wondering if I ever played sports. I played T-ball when I was fiveS well
actually I sat in the outfield and ate grass, but I was INVOLVED and isn,t that what
really matters? That,s what I thought. I like sports, I like science. VOTE MOTT. 3.10.99
page seven
The Drawers of SUS™
ill mmer
orry can't write much right, the coppers are closing in
.see. I never expected that she would acually talk to
'"someone she trusts".   Anyway, elections are on
the way,  I'm trying to convince medical school
admissions boards that I've been depressed because
of a two year old breakup, and I can't swim. If
there you have any questions regarding SUS,
unused cross training shoes, or are a girl under
the age of seventeen looking for an understanding shoulder to lean on, e-mail me at
«»»p«i»ii^    J
ihe Drawers
el SUS..
oin Storm the Wall 1999!
Must register by Wednesday, March 17. Get 50%
rebates on Science intramural teams (term 2 only).
You must get me a receipt and copy of registration
form for reimbursement. No exceptions whatsoever.
Rebate money is limited so 1st come is 1st serve.
Deadline is last day of class. For more info, contact aarne at <aarne@interchange.ubc.ca>.
alli'il III III!
ill 11 II II
HI Hit mm m
■**   Frenchy
you h
feel much better now.
-      i> s.',       - —'        -    *
Upcoming Events
Friday March 19th
5:00 pm
SUS Lounge, Chem B160
FREE Sushi! FREE popcorn!
Friday March 26th
Town & Country Bowl and Billiards
745 SE Marine Drive
6 lanes reserved
Bring your friends
you happy 432 readers will have the
intense pleasure of reading the mindless drivle of an Arts student instead of the
mindless drivle of all the Science students who
make this paper happen. Since I'm the liaison
between Arts, Science and Engineering, I'll tell
you about what's going on in the' next few weeks
around campus. First off, Arts County Fair is coming
~;_   ''. April 9th. Awesome line-up, and on top of it all, this
is the last time the Odds will ever play. Yep, you heard it
right here: the Odds are breaking up after this year's ACF.
So get your tickets ASAP. Next, the engineers are having their
annual Talent and Awards night at the Cheeze, on March 26th.
See geers attempt to draw sounds out of musical instruments and drink
really cheap beer! And they're totally user friendly: they'll give you cheap beer even
if you're in Arts and if you 'forget' your ID at home. Oh, and Science is also having
a bzzr garden on the 26th, so you can come to the SUS bzzr garden first, and then
go to the Cheeze. Okay, time for me to go. I have an EconlOO midterm to write.
Remember, children, always keep your long-range aggregate supply in check. And
your monkeys well fed.
This is a public service
announcement to all users of
the Student Union Building of
the University of British
Columbia Campus. The building
is the suspected source of an
epidemic of bacillary dysentery
in the area due to its large
production of Bull Shit. People
are asked to stay away from the
Council Chambers until this
problem is solved.
The Management. page eight
Have you driven a Ford Lately?
Or: The litterary equivalent of Teret's syndrome.
I've reached that point in life that we
look forward to and simultaneously
fear: the point of buying a new vehicle. Yes, my bank account is now healthy
enough for me to consider completely
emptying it in exchange for a nice, new
truck. Why a truck, you ask? Let me spell
it out for you: shiny, metal, big engine, 2
tonnes heavy and that new truck smell,
what's there not to love? Plus any vehicle you have to step up into has got to be
good. So I ventured down to my friendly neighbourhood car dealership in
search of the perfect truck for me. A nice
sales associate named Gill seemed very
happy to see me (almost too happy) and
offered to show me the very finest that
he had to offer. A brief aside: Why is it
that all car salesmen (used or otherwise)
are 40 something, balding men wearing
bad cologne (eau de WWF) and are
about 75 pounds overweight and in
severe need of a new suit? I don't have
an answer to that one, I was just wondering. Anyway, I digress. Back to the
Gill took my hand in his sweaty palm
and gave it a firm shake (oh yeah, I forgot the sweat. These guys all sweat, even
if it's 3 degrees outside and they left their
cheap suit jacket inside). He then took
me to a remote corner of the lot and
started expounding the benefits of own
ing a '73 Dodge Dart with rare Ferium
Oxide Highlighting. I can't remember
quite what he was saying, as I was fantasizing about repeatedly kicking him in
the groin throughout the conversation. I
just nodded during the appropriate conversational pauses all-the-while envisioning good old Gill curled up on the
ground in a tightly clenched ball of perpetual agony.
"This is stupid," I thought, "I don't have
to sit and listen to this idiot trying his
best to convince me that the rust holes
in the hood are 'speed accents.' I can do
whatever I want and this guy will still be
nice to me. Hmm... I wonder." So, without announcement, I turned and walked
away. Boy did that phase Gill. He tried to
appear unfazed by the event as a whole,
and closely followed me explaining that
"maybe the Dodge wasn't for you. Nope,
I can see it now, you're a Chevy Man,
aren't you?" I turned, formed a fist, and
took a swing. I wasn't trying to hit him
or anything, I just wanted to see what
he'd do. He dropped to the ground,
splashing his fat stomach in a mud puddle.
"What can you tell me about this Ford
F-Series, right here?" I asked. The ploy
worked, Gill got to his feet, looking a little perplexed, but still thought that he
might get a sell out of me. This was
going to be fun. "Well, it was traded in to
us by its original owner, an older lady.
Low mileage, original motor, interior is-
whaaaa." He didn't even see the kick to
the back of the knees coming.
"Alright! That's it! What the hell are you
trying to prove, anyway?" Gill yelped as
his head bounced off the pavement. He
was going to feel that in the morning.
"I'm sorry, Gill. But I'm very unstable
emotionally right now. I'm recovering
from a bad car accident. I don't remember a thing, but they said that I hit my
head on the windshield pretty hard. Ever
since, I've been very unpredictable and
unable to make sound judgement calls. I
just got my insurance settlement yesterday and I'm looking for a car to go from
A to B. Please forgive my actions, but I
am very serious about purchasing a vehicle." That oughta do it. Now he thinks I
can't tell right from wrong and have a
huge pile of cash that I'm just itching to
spend. He'll have me looking the motor-
homes next. This'll be fun.
"Well, we have some very reliable Class
A motor-homes over here. They're like a
house on wheels. Very convenient." I
nodded. "This one is a favorite of mine,"
he said as he gestured to what had to be
the single biggest piece of shit on wheels
that I'd every seen. The thing had to be
twenty years old, the siding was coming
off almost everywhere, and was covered
with mildew in the few places that were
soundly attached.
"I realize that it doesn't look like much
outside, but you should see the interior,"
Gill smiled. Jesus, he was actually going
to try and sell this thing to me. Was he
ever in for a surprise.
We climbed in. I started looking for a
weapon of destruction and quickly spot
ted the propane stove. While Gill was
closing the bathroom door to cover up a
decade free washing, I turned the knob
and coughed to hide the 'click' the
sparker made. In a few seconds the burner was turning red. Gill hadn't noticed.
"As you can see, it's quite spacey in
here. It sleeps three, if you fold down the
kitchen table, and..." I seized my chance.
I grabbed his left hand and shoved it
onto th~ glowing stove element. I
brought my boot down hard on his right
foot and gave him a solid head butt. I
heard something crack, musta been a
I let him go and he reclined onto the
bed, making a peculiar whining noise. I
approached, carefully placed my right
foot on his crotch and leaned in. His
head turned so red that I (briefly) considered relenting. "Thanks for all your
help, Gill, I think I'll take this one. I'll be
back next Saturday to talk about financing." I grabbed a business card from his
breast pocket and gave him a pat on the
side of the head. I left the lot feeling
much happier than when I came onto it,
and looking forward to the weekend.
John's sage wisdom hasn't graced our
pages in quite a while.
In fact John's sage wisdom has never
graced the pages of the 432, because John
has never had any sage wisdom.
Sometimes I wonder how he gets his pants
-asst'd ed.
',• ;.-<*■;
-j.   *.-fl
'? '*
*     &   rn^t   *"■    ■'   ■ ■"'*'-'*■■■■* >
. *&   .»   Jl JsVW. _■     .*m\ . i. *y ■ ^ ■
4 ■ .*
Wed. - Fri., March 17th to 19th.
Make a difference.
Vote Now!
Or \^e'll   club  this  cat.
Exercise your voice in the Science
Vote early, vote often.
One lucky voter will win a new Jeep
Grand Cherokee.
Bring  "Your  Student Card   f-<
Polling booths at most major Science buildings, including: Chemistry, Biology, and Wesbrook as well as the SUB,


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