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UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Feb 14, 1990

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Votvm 3, 9fam6e\10   T#£ 0&WS¥S^%J&&CIt%HClZ S(TU'D(E9^TS ?e6ruary 1
Publications Coordinator reveals, "I'm in love."
Premier declares state of
emergency as single
women everywhere
commit themselves to
by Aaron Drake
Chem 160-TheSingle World was shocked
today as the Editor of the 432 announced
that he was no longer available. In a brief
press conference, Aaron Drake, SUS Publications Coordinator issued the following statement: "Due to the fact that I have
fallen madly in love with Caireen Hanert,
I must announce that I have eyes for no
one but her."
The statement followed a four month
and twenty-three day love affair. Drake
felt that after that long, he could no longer
contain his affection. "I'm absolutely
taken by her. There is no one else for me.
She is the most wonderful thing to ever
have happened to me."
Later, under heavy questioning, Drake
admitted that he was attracted to her body.
"While I admit that she's very beautiful
and I'm turned on by every move she
makes, the truth is, this isn't a physically
based relationship. I love her for her
mind." Hanert, currently in her fourth
year of Physics-Math Honours, is rumoured to have the sexiest mind on
It was September 22 that Aaron Drake
and Caireen Hanert began seeing each
other. The union took the entire Science
Undergraduate Society by surprise. Many
predicted that the two were not suited for
each other, and that they would quickly
split apart. Hanert, an honours student,'.
being wooed by the top graduate schools
in the world, and Drake, a second-rate
physics majors student who had failed
more courses than he passed.
Somehow, the two stuck together. Aaron
Drake thinks it was because of Caireen's
patience. "She slowly changed me. She
got me attending classes, studying regularly, and that's not all. My sleeping habits are better, I eat healthier, and I'm
losing weight. She is without a doubt the
loveliest person to ever come into my
Aaron Drake went on to describe their
first date. "I cooked her supper. It was
Teriyaki Beef on a bed of rice. She loved
it - I couldn't believe it After that, we
After talking in MacDonald's, Drake continued, the two took a walk to Robson
square, where, as he recounted, "I was
suddenly swept off my feet. She looked
so beautiful in the moonlight that reflected off the pond that I knew she was
the one for me -for ever and ever.
"Oh, marriage isn't on the agenda - not
yet. She doesn't want to even consider
marriage until she's at least thirty. Besides, her career is very important to her,
and so it's important to me."
Hanert plans to pursue a Masters, then
a Doctorate in physics, eventually becoming a professor. Drake, on the other
hand, sees his own future as more flexible. "I suppose I'll follow her wherever
she goes. I want to write -1 can do that
anywhere, be it Ontario, or the States, or
wherever. I'll be happy just being with
her. I love her."
Caireen Hanert, unaware of Drake's
announcement, could not be reached for
Although many experts had been predicting the announcement, it was still no
less a shock to even his closest friends.
Derek Cardy, SUS Director of Finance
expressed his surprise: "We knew they
cared for each other, but I never thought
Aaron would go this far."
SUS Sex Guru and External Vice President Antonia Rozario said that she was
very happy for Aaron. "Caireen is a wonderful person. I mean, she's a card-carrying fox."
In council chambers last week, the
SUS Student's Council voted unanimously to make Caireen Hanert and Aaron
Drake the SUS Official Snuggle Bunnies.
Dow Jones crashes as Dean of
Science announces new hours
by Aaron Drake
New York - Pandemonium rocked the
business world after the new hours of the
Office of the Dean of Science were released. The Dow lones plunged three
hundred points amid rampant speculation that Western Civilization would fall
now that the Wicket will be closed for an
hour at noon.
On February 7, 1990, a hasty press
conference was called by Pat Fornelli, of
the Office of the Dean. Visibly shaken,
she made a short statement "As you may
know, there have been some staff and
faculty changes in the Dean of Science
Officc.In addition, the wicket will be
closed for an hour at noon."
A stunned hush fell over this reporter.
The new hours of the office, for student
inquiries will be as follows:
Monday to Friday
9:00 am to 12:00 noora
1:00 pm to 3:30 pm
When asked how she thought this would
affect the stability of the Canadian Dol-
? ™~ — ^^ "	
^ ims 4$5$ ismd €
lar, Fornelli replied, "Goodness, I'm the
secretary for graduating students, not the
Bank of Canada."
Derek, the unappointed spokesman for
the SUS Director of Finance expected
grave consequences for the economy of
Canada, "I dare not say more."
In a related development, the Vancouver Canucks began a winning streak.
When asked if such incredible events as
these signified the end of the world, Fornelli replied, "Goodness, I'm the secretary for graduating students, not Nostradamus."
SUS President Ari Giligson blamed the
end of the world on student apathy.
"Nobody comes to the office at noon.
There'snodemand.Butdon'ttell anyone
Isaidthis." When askedif Ari Giligson's
life had been threatened if he made such
comments, Fornelli replied, "Goodness,
I'm the secretary for graduating students,
not a judicial inquiry."
A Vaunt(M«
LN.5TEIM ^ofe-
LOV£ Yoo
The 432
February 14, 1990 £3>r*9«3 3&riar**A 3$fi
A Valentine's Day thought:
I'm 22, as of December. As I understand it, I've got a fruitful and productive
life just lying there in wait for me. I'm a
kid, I'm in my prime, I'm young, the
world is myoyster (yuck). Or so I thought.
My sweetie woogy schmoogums has set
the matter straight
According to my girlfriend, I am in a
decline. Listen: men reach their sexual
peak at 19. For me, that was three years
ago. Three. Years. Ago. I'm past my
prime. I can only go downhill now. I'm
declining. I'm was .I'm past tense. Shoot
Women on the other hand, I am constantly informed, reach their sexual peak
at 35. Hear that? She's on her way up. I'm
on my way down. How can she stand it,
knowing that every day I get worse and
worse, as my sexuality withers and atrophies?
It's my testicles' fault. I'm not to
blame. They regulate the sperm production, not me. I mean, heck, I haven't
noticed anything different from when I
was 19. I'm still attracted to women, I still
get that kinda neato feeling whenever we
kiss, and I still like watching 91/2 Weeks.
Oh sure, when I was nineteen, I was a
walking hormone, but that was different.
That was because I was immature, not
because I was so much more potent than
I am now. I mean, these days, being 22
and not a teen, I look at it differendy.
Now, it's making love ; then, it was
boinking. It's my attitude that's changed
the most
I still got it. Really. Lovey dovey
babycakesdoesn'tbuy that, though. She's
content to prance around my friends and
me, taunting us with, "I'm on the up-
escalator, you're on the down escalator."
Listen girl, you've got it wrong. When
they talk about sexual peak, they mean
something completely different They're
talking about sperm count or something
like that. I mean, let's face it. Men aren't
at their horniest at nineteen, and even if
they are, it doesn' t wax off that much for
the next twenty years or so. I'm 22. I'm
still in my prime. My sperm count is just
off by 4%.
"Mr. Drake, we've finished all your
tests, and I'm afraid we have some bad
"Give it me straight, Doc, I can handle
"Your sperm count has dropped 4%."
"Four percent? You mean..."
"Yes, die Honeymoon's over."
"My God. No wonder I've felt so
tired. How much longer do I have left before everything withers away and stops
"Well, that's hard to say, Mr Drake.
As it stands, you've lost four per cent of
your reproductive capability. That means
that with each ejaculation, the maximum
number of women that you can impregnate has dropped by a few hundred thousand."
"A few hundred thousand! My God!
What will I tell my friends?"
"Perhaps you should consider, for the
good of the women of the world, to become celibate."
"Celibate? Yes...yes, I suppose that is
the best thing to do. I don't think it would
be right for me to mess with the gene pool
when I'm no longer at my sexual peak."
Phase one: Denial: "Past the peak? No
way! Never. I can do it non stop. I'm a
sexual dynamo. I'm an exception to the
rule. Look at that virility. Just look at it. It
scares you, doesn't it?"
Phase two: Depression: "Sex? No
thanks. My sperm count has dropped 4%.
I'd bore you to death."
Phase three: Acceptance: "Yeah, I
remember sex. Course, back then, we did
it twice as much. Felt twice as good, too.
Ahhhh, the good ol' eighties."
This all has a point, I think. It is Valentine's Day, when we're supposed to celebrate love and sexuality and all sorts of
gooey sticky-sweet things. Like sentiment
Hey. Happy Valentine's Day. Even
if some of us are too old to enjoy it.
Aaron Drake is really not all
that bad in bed. But he'll
never get a chance to prove
it to any doubters because he
is happily in love already.
To All Science Clubs
and Departments
From the Director of
Finance of the Science
Undergraduate Society
re: Grad Rebates
Faculty of Science Graduation Rebate Request
Forms should be submitted to the Director of
Finance by 5 pm Friday,
February 23.
Blank forms are available
in Derek Cardy's box, in
Chem 160.
Derek Cardy
SUS Director of Finance
Letters to the editor
Dear sir,
From the SUS Academics
Since around 1965, the Science
Undergraduate Society has published the Black + Blue review is a
student publication of students'
opinions of their courses and profs
as compiled by the SUS Academics
The early life form of the B+B
was the Questionnaire. This year's
questionnaire is made up of 11
questions, 6 about the instructor
and 5 about the course. The response to each question is on a
scale of 1 to 6 (from strongly agree
to strongly disagree).
To get the necessary information
ofr the B+B, members of the academics committee distribute the
questionnaire to students and later
collect the (hopefully) finished
forms. These forms are then painstakingly entered into the thrusty
SUS P{ackard Bell IBM Clone
computer and tabulated into a vast
amount of meaningful numbers.
THe responses are then mailed,as
part of the SUS Summer Guide, to
each student registered in the
Faculty of Science.
Starting this week B+B question
naires will be distributed in first
and second year Chem and Phys
classes. Please complete these
forms and return them to the people
who gave them to you or return
them to room Chem 160. Other
forms will be available in Chem
160 or in club offices (Biosoc,
Physsoc, CSSS, etc)
Thank you for your cooperation,
Trent Hammer,
4th year Rep
Rate not oitiy your
c©urs9, but your proft
Tifeig 'm yw tittme* to
Forms wilt be available in
CLub Offices and Chem
160 as well as first and
second year courses.
President: Is the main spokesperson for the society (we're talking 4000 people
here), presides over general and council meetings of the society, supervises and
directs the duties of the executive and council. The president is basically the
head honcho and generally gets blamed for everything that goes wrong.
Internal Vice President: Co-ordinates academic affairs (like Black and Blue
and Teaching Excellence), takes care of elections and referenda and is generally
one of the more organized of the exec.
External Vice President: Takes care of organizing all of the social activities of
SUS as well as playing a big part in the co-ordination of Science Week. The job
also includes representing SUS on the AMS Council.
Director of Finance: Handles all the money of the SUS. This job requires a
grasp of accounting principles and an ability to play the heavy when it comes to
requests for money. Karl Kottmeir need not apply.
Director of Publications: Is in charge of ensuring that the 432, the Guide and
the Black and Blue Review get published. Although this person does not have to
do all the work themselves some publications experience may be of value.
AMS Student Council Rep: Ensures that we at SUS get what we deserve from
the AMS. Great dedication and loyalty to the SUS is a prime requisite. An
ability to look interested during a 6hour meeting is an assete.
Sports Director: Science students are a force to be reckoned with as far as
intramural sports. Sports director is in charge of organizing the men's and
women's sports reps as well as all the clubs sports reps. Sports is one of the
largest SUS budget items
Executive Secretary: Keeps all the records of the society, is responsible for all
correspondence of the society, prepares the minutes and agendas of SUS and
also sits as our third rep on AMS council.
Nominations Close Wed Feb 28th at 6:00pm
Nominations Can Be Picked Up at the SUS Office
And Must Be Returned to
Sandra Mah-Elections Commisioner
I^briiary 14,1998 Do you have
an outstanding prof?
Recognize him or her with the
Excellence Award
Nomination farms are available from SUS in Chem 160
Awards wiJI be presented
at the SUS Annual General Meeting (date to be
^eaJinejooprofaa^QM of
full term professors is March
For more info,
contact Caireen
Hanert (Academics
Coordinator of
Teaching Excellence
Awards) in Chem 160
or call 228- 4235
Dik Miller,
Physical Plant
This week: The Grittier, Meaner,
Darker Dik™ For The 90's.
Snowflakes fell endlessly from a
grey, featureless sky, each one taking its
own unique, pointless, spiralling journey
from the clouds to its inevitable violent
end on the ground. Snow only becomes
really pleasant when some of it builds up,
creating a deadening pillow over the land,
but now it was just beginning to stick, and
it seemed more of a cloying, sticky, wet
annoyance than fluffy beauty. People were
walking around, hunched over, even
though hunching over does essentially no
good, whether in the snow or rain. I
watched them pass by, unsmiling.
I'm Dik Miller. I work for UBC
Physical Plant.
I figure I work here because of my
mother. She was the one who pushed me
to excel, to do well in school, to bring
myself to the best physical condition, to
make sure that I was better than anyone I
knew. She wanted me to be a lawyer or a
doctor, or maybe a world famous stunt
pilot, or an astronaut. To spite her, I
became a private investigator. Years
passed. Business dried up - for private
eyes like me, the late 80's were a Depression: not enough petty crime, too many
uncontested divorces, stuff like that - and
I found myself scrambling for food to eat.
An ex-girlfriend left me stranded on a
tropical island for a year.
I returned to work for UBC Traffic
and Security. My unorthodox investigative techniques got me fired from there. I
snagged a job with Physical Plant. I
smirked. It was strangely appropriate,
this, thecushiest of union jobs. My mother
would surely be turning in her grave.
That is, if she were dead. She lives in the
British Properties with twenty-seven cats
and a fish named Moe. We don't speak.
Sometimes I get the urge to go out
and do some damage. It's like some inner
demon screaming at me to be let out. At
times like that, and when it's snowing, I
grab a bag of rock salt and salt the walks
around campus like a Johnny Appleseed
of over-cured meat. It gives me time to
"Hey, watch it buddy!" barked some
lunk of a student when his shoulder
touched mine.
"Watch it yourself," I replied in a
low voice.
"What was that, knob?" he asked
"I said watch it yourself." I could
feel the tension rolling inside me.
"You Physical Plant guys piss me
off, man. Sit on your asses all day, takin'
coffee breaks. I got a good mind to give
you a knuckle sandwich."
I looked at him. Ididn'tthink people
said "knuckle sandwich" now thatHappy
Days is off the air. "Don't get me angry,"
I cautioned. "You wouldn' t like me when
I'm angry."
He lunged at me and I prepared to
unleash my Dik Miller™ martial arts
moves on him.
When I regained consciousness, I
was lying face down in the snow. My bag
of rock salt was in a heap beside me. I
rolled over to see a large crowd of people
staring at me intently.
"No, no, that's okay," I groaned. "I
can get up. I don't need any help."
No one moved. I stood up, aching.
That guy's gonna pay, I thought. They' re
all gonna pay. Every last one of them.
We interrupt this story to bring
you a flash Dik Miller™ update. The
marketing department of Dik Miller™
Industries, Ltd. has determined,
through extensive market research and
randomized advance polling of Dik
Miller™ readers, that the New, Grittier, Meaner, Darker Dik™ For The
90's is unacceptable to the segment of
the public that regularly reads this feature. They have been having nightmares and refusing to go to bed at 8
when their parents tell them. Thus, the
new look of Dik Miller™ will be removed, and the old, jovial, bumbling
Dik™ shall return next issue. We like
to call it Dik Miller™ Classic®.
Dik, oh Dik, what will we do next
year when Mr. Miller has graduated? What will become of Dik
then? Well, we'll have to hope
Derek still writes for this rag.
This space unintentionally blank
New Shoots
Episode EiahtUmbrellas
by David W. New
It's snowing.
The ground is slowly being carpeted by
a creeping bevy of semi-identical, cold,
white, slippery, intimidating so-called
flakes. Lower Mainland denizens haul
out their umbrellas for protection from
the winds as they trudge at half-throttle to
pessimistic cars. The more fanatical even
decide to go skiing.
I hate umbrellas. I hate snow.
Simply put, umbrellas are the spawn of
all evil. A typical umbrella sits around
and takes up spaa; in umbrella racks, the
crooks of left elbows, and the front seats
of best friends' cars. When rain begins,
the umbrella decides to spontaneously
wink out of existence.
(Once, I heard about someone finding
an umbrella. Once.)
If the umbrella actually still exists, and
is anywhere near its owner, at the onset of
rain, it usually explodes halfway through
the storm; if the rain decides to suddenly
halt, one is left carrying a network of
metallic limbs with dilapidated, flapping
webbing across at least eight leagues of
damp mud.
It sure sounds to me like the forces of
evil got together from across the universe
to conspire for a while and eventually
came up with these things.
And as if that's not enough, no surer
guarantee of rain exists than to own an
umbrella and leave it at home. The ancients could have learned from this.
Imagine: no more stupid dances lasting
all day until everyone drops dead from
fatigue, exhaustion, and dehydration.
Instead, just take your umbrellas in hand,
drop them in unison into carved brass
holders and calmly walk in a straight line
away from them for an hour. Of course,
the umbrellas would have vanished by
the time anyone returned, but what a
small price to pay for rain!
Naturally, the converse is also true.
Carrying one's umbrella is an excellent
guarantee of sunshine, easily beating out
Norm Grohman and Phil Reimer stuck
together with duct tape for forecasting
accuracy. But do you really want the
inconvenience of keeping your brolly at
the ready all day? If you put it down even
once, the clouds will most assuredly roll
in and commence their torrent
Worse yet, if the floods abate and you
don't notice, you look like a complete
gweeb carrying Acme Fabric-on-a-Stick
over your head when it's too dark out for
a parasol and too dry for an umbrella.
Now, Vancouverites, by and large, tend
to dislike umbrellas. Or seem to. Walking
around Granville Mall or West Broadway or Queen Elizabeth Park during
thunderstorms, you tend to see a vast
preponderance of people appreciating
their climate, people enjoying the mild
precipitation, peoplebasking in the cleansing flow, people drinking in the weather
that typifies their finecity. Healthy people.
People unconcerned with the day-to-day
niceties of fashionable boots in the same
colour of plaid. People getting wet.
But then, every February, the weather
deteriorates. The rain freezes. Snow starts.
And then, the umbrellas get hauled out.
Coated in snow, they begin to experience
stress from both sides, as the winds howl
up and pull the polyester into a virtually
uncontrollable white-coated balloon.
Ye gods, it's unpleasant And to be
vainly grasping the frozen metallic handlebar as the storm blows you to a forty-
degree angle from the vertical just to stay
almost upright... well, heck, I wouldn't
want to be part of that scene.
Here are some easy, incontrovertible,
and convincing reasons why snow is an
infinitely worse enemy than are umbrellas — indeed, one of the very transuniv-
ersal evils that got together to create the
things, no doubt.
Snow is harder to walk through than
Snow is no dryer than rain — at least,
not until the weather gets so cold that
nobody in their right mind (or left, for that
matter) would venture so far as their
Snow is exceedingly frigid, unlike rain,
and necessitates that much more bundled
Snow is much slipperier than rain, and
is a harbinger of that ferocious evil of
mediocre motorists, black ice — and an
omen of that ferocious evil of good motorists, overcautious mediocre motorists.
Snow is somewhat harder than rain, as
is ice; and belly-flops into such arctic
materials tend to hurt an awful lot more
than those into water. Besides that, it's
much harder to struggle to the surface.
You don't float in snow.
And the buses run slower, and get
more crowded; and shopping becomes
a heinous chore, and larders become
rapidly depleted; and overall, the entire
business is utterly mucky.
So — you challenge me — yes you
do, I can hear you now.and you haven't
even read this yet—what am I going to
do about it?
Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to
do about it
I'm going to complain is what I'm
going to do.
I'm going to grumble, gripe, and rant
until I've weaseled my way into the
goodbooks of whatever authorities have
control over this sort of thing. They're
probably the same ones who control the
centre lane of the Lions' Gate Bridge,
so I know where to start.
And then I'm going to present them
with this huge long petition of the names
of my organization, People Rallied
Against Cold Temperatures In Snow,
Eh? And you can all come to the SUS
office and sign it! Yeah!
Yeah, that's what I'm going to do.
Oh yeah, membership fee is $15.00.
Cheques are payable to David W. New.
Roses are red
Violets are Blue
This here column
Is by Dave New
The 432
February 14,1990 Akay,
That freak_accident prolonged the
happiness of the week,andthe nice time
I had on my Birthday.
you might never see this.
I might never see it either.
I lave you.
I love you thisssssssssssss much
■ your Sweet (Baboo
'What a smile... Love, Dave
Laura Mydtand
■ Happy 'Valentine s day, sis.
XO front
Mo Choroid -
'Words, like stars in the sky, can only
give a hint of feelings below. 'But with
this moment, I want to show you what
you mean to me and the caring friendship
you have touched me with!
■ Love, %E.
Cheryl and Maria ■ To the two most
exciting, voluptuous, captivating women
in "Education. (Bill and I (frank] yearn
to feel your stimulating curves next to
ours in a warm embrace and share the
pulsations of...
- Happy 'Valentine's Day. Thank,
you. "Bye.
I love you Weily.
■ Secret Admirer
To the scoogy-woogy lovey-dovey
pumpkin pie in my eye
She walks in Beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies
Andallthat's Best of good and right
Meet in her aspect, and her eyes.
"Whatta bod. I just might follow you to
Mon mec a moi,
By the light of our Sister Moon, we
Love This Life with Something So
Strong., jo fragile. And "When you
Come on Little "Wing, Breathing Unforgettable fire, know that The "Best is yet
to Come.
Snuggly Lava: Thanks for saying
"gooBy" and "woogie " and giving me the
secret handshake and sharing a "filing
as Hell" muffin with me, and for coming
Love, the Other Snuggly Lava
with Cold Hands and a Sore Back-
To My Sweet BaBoo,
you are the love of my life, my shelter in
the storm, the man of my dreams. My life
has never Been sweeter, Thanks for Being
perfect for me - in every way.
The Other Sweet BaBoo.
I love you. I hope we '11 Be together
always and forever. Caireen.
y       Mira;y
To the Best friend that anyone could ever ask for. I miss
▼     your
Love Mtvays, Caireen.
Dear Clement,
you Bring an essence of class and style to
SUS. good luckjwith the Chem goddess.
The dog lover
The se-idest and most lovable rugby hunk,
alive..Come By more and impress me with
your heaving pecs.
Shoosh me. Shoosh me! Sh 'love
you! 'Willyou pwease Be my "Valentine?
Oh, pwease?you shget some nice
cuddows andshnuggows andyou'shfeel
much bettow. I'sh be vewygentle and
weow my Tweetie Burdshowts 'caush
I'sh just a mere Tweetie Burd and d'ash
(PS. Be mine forever July 7 th?
Lynn ■
The girl I never loved
'Will never know I care
And all my dreams of her
Are dreams I'll never share
Violets are soft
(Roses are thorny
Let sget it on
'Cause me so horny
All my lust, Doug
Can you feel it?
Every Beginning has an
endSEvery day has a night. 'When you
come to theforkjn the road, you must
take one of the paths.Or you can rest on
the side and gaze longingly down both of
But it's getting dark^and I feel
the bite of a cold northern wind.
The Scribe
'When you first told me you
would Be making chili I was so pleased
that I couldn 't take my stupid grin off
my face for days ■ askjmy mom! Thank,
Love, Then
To The (Reptile Of My Concern
i lo'Ve you AuWAys
Ari giligson
The cultured pearl,
I love you. Iloveyou. I loveyou.
Lots. Lots. Lots.
'Woo 'Woo!
get a haircut.
man I know. Ifcmymtr. *
The crazy kay »
To A.D. ,A.T., A.H., (P.H., T.H., C.f.
, and how can I ever forget %T.
(Haiku)        Buddies you are great
I enjoy your company
I'm available
Love, A.%
To my Cute, Intelligent, (Patient, Hardworking, Tall, Dark, Handsome, Study
Let's workman more Anatomy.
(Also to my husband ■ Happy 'Valentine's Day, dear)
To all the girls we ever loved before,
Julio and "Willie
I will protect you from the
hooded claws
(Keep the vampires from your
Don 'tgive up on Hambergirls.
I'm interested! All you have to do is find
out who I am! good Luck!
Happy 'Valentine s Day from a
you are the Best thing that has
ever happened to me. you will always Be
a part of my life, and no matter what
happens I will always Be here for you. I
love you!
Happy 'Valentine's Day!
Love, Heidi
To whom it may concern:
your physical proximity triggers
my sympathetic nervous response
characterized By
increased heart rate
increased respiration
a rush of adrenalin
dilated pupils
peripheral vasodilation
The Mad About you Scientist
St. Valentine's Day is now upon us.
The greetings we send with loving and care.
To ones of secret love they're sent with dare
and to ones of long love are sent with fuss.
Passionate moments filled with love and lust.
All the day through couples lovingly share.
A feeling so great none other compares.
The feeling of love they have come to trust.
Mr Sleepy mackdogduck.lover
snow watcher phantom of the opera
Be mine again and again
love as always
forever and ever amen
ToBias the Strange
My car radio is getting fixed and
Tmgetting three more testicles in the
Thanks for Being in my every
Honey-Bun -
you know how hairy chests turn
me on-so I must know:
Is yours real?
floaty Boat
Dearest %0.
you know the perfect way to
mibble my earnings ■ I hope the dagger
wasn't too sharp.
Love always, T.L.
Be my 'Valentine.
The 432
To 'WunnnderfulAntonia,
you gave my the man of my dreams.
'With love and deepest gratitude,
you are the fire in my breast, the lust of
my loins.
Ich brauche dich.
'Wirsindeins.. Ich liebe dich.
February 14,1990 tine's
It's not for all a joyous occaision.
It is such a day they will always scold.
It reminds them of the love they don't hold.
For these people, they need to hold patience.
One day the wrinkles of love will unfold.
And no more will love be a story untold.
-Don Hitchen
Dearest Emily,
This is a special note for you this valentine s day.
'Valentine's day come andgo every year.
Everyone thinks that it is the most important day of the year and they try to show
it in many ways - sending gifts, flowers,
and such. The balloons and flowers are
supposed to represent love but when the
Balloons pop and the flowers die, is that
suppose to mean that their love is fading?
Love is a very special thing. It cannot
be shown by hearty chocolates, fancy gifts
or aspecialnote on 'Valentine s Day! Love
is sharing and caring and it shouldn 'tjust
be shown on this day But it should be there
everyday! And you deserve it!!!
Happy'Valentine's Day! Everyday!!!
One of the greatest salads I have
had. Thankjyou for that.
(Roses are red,
"Violets are Blue,
Sleeping Beauty,
I like you!
It doesn 't matter that you 're
forgetful. It doesn't matter that you
never listen to me. IStill think_you're
wonderful and sweet.
To the cutest, most witty, and interesting 432 editor.
Could you put your picture at the
top of the Editorial? H"VD. Is that
Blonde physicist your sister (Tlease say
she is)?
your secret admirer
To Scott, my man in (Red:
"I wanna Be loved By you
Just you andnoBody else But you
I wanna Be loved By you
Happy 'Valentine's Day!
Love, Julie
BLM-PT's^hardto separate between
what has Been and what could have
Been. A mountain is only high until it is
climbed. There is a green valley on the
other side.
It has Been.
It will never be again.
The Best ofluckifrom the valley, C.
To a lonely Londoner,
Someone's lonely here in "Vancouver too, 'causeyou're not.
'WiUyou marry me?
Joycey ■ I
Happy "Valentine s Day to the most
beautiful and intelligent and individual
councU women at UBC.
Man petit amis tu es mon cher.
C'est deja un. an mais ca sent comme
Que nous avous rencontres cettejournee
E,t si tu veuxtje te donne de la creme
Chez Bakins et 'RoBins sur la Baie
Happy Birthday, give me a call
and we 'U catch up.
(RTV 432 (M g-g)
Through winter storms that eBB
My love s an ember, half aglow,
Smouldering, cold - a lonely wait,
To be set ablaze By winds of fate.
Love always,
you've Been a good friend.
Thanks for the cake and for Being
around at my Birthday. I am glad you
were there.
Love, Then
your snuggle Bunny has Been
cheating on you. He tries to score every
Sunday night.
(Physsoc BallHockeyTeam
Dah dah dah dah dah
ddh dah, Dah
dah "(Kitty-Cat"
dah dah.
To the one person who my life has
revolved around. She is kind, understanding, and beautiful. Her spirit and
enthusiasm has Been an inspiration to
myself. She knows who she is and shall
always Be close to my heart.
Love, Barry.
(Rpses are red,
Science is Blue,
'We want a 'Valentine,
How 'Bout you?!
SUS Chicks
Ari, my friend
A "Happy Birthday Then" would
have thrilled me, But you went over-
Board! But I will always remember your
gift (even if it doesn't fit anymore!).
Love, Then
Always at the front of the class
you have tons of questions to ask.
you're so serious and so cute
but you cat 't draw a rabbit worth a hoot
one day I'll win, put you in your place
with a snowball aimed right at your face
don't think. I'm taking this too far
I only luv yafor your car
■Luv a secret admirer
your smile lights up my day. your eyes
reach to the depths of my soul, you are
my Better half.
Love n Stuff, Tooky.
My heart's dearest,
'Long time since I've seen your smile
But when I close my eyes
I remember.'
Love, TggBM
Tlease take note:
Due to circumstances under which he
has complete control,
DerekThomas (Read
is no longer a candidate for 'Valentine's
Day Sweetheartship. Be forewarned
that anyone attempting to sweethearten
the aforementioned non-candidate will
Be graciously turned away.
Thankjyou for your cooperation,
The 432
Hey Baby! Let's go save the
world on 'Valentine's Day!
Ever since we've Been together,
things just k^ep getting Better and
Better! Happy 'Valentines Day from:
the girl with the cuddliest
Happy 'Valentine's Day! Do you
feel like cheesecake? I do.
Hugs and kisses,
Megan S,
you are a Bright, Beautiful and
friendy person with a warm and tender
an admirer
Tierre, my dear, sweet lovable, CompSci
Buddy, Thankjyou for yourfriendship
and unending kindness.
The woman who saved your life
I hope you meet your hay-Baleing love
muffin soon.
Love, the Sex goddess
Then, my confidante, and adviser:
^'Without your friendship, I am nothing.
t'Vith deepest thanks,
To our favorite Dtyfri.
Zoiks! 'Whattaguy. you're neato.
Love CHandA%.
'Who's this 'Dave'guy (seepage
4, column 1, Babe)?
Though you scribble on my page
'Which really drives me into a rage,
your Bumpy veins and pointy nose,
(Prompted me to write this prose.
I want to I love ya a Bunch,
even when my arm you punch.
'We'llhaftago dancing some night,
And stay out till the morning light
To watch the sun rise over Mt Baker
(ps the last line doesn't rhyme)
Luv a secret admirere
The 432
February 14,1990 To Jenny in Chem 230 on
monday 4:30,
you are simply incredible-
Astounded admirer,
Have a happy 'Valentine's 'Day.
'Without you none of us would Be
3rd and 4th year Chem students
To Jamie,
'Rgses are red,
"Violets are Blue,
I love the way you pipet
and titrate too.
The volumetric flasks
A difficult task.
It seems every time
you fill it past the line
It's a talent you possess
'Which makes me envious.
I just want to say
I would love it if may Bay
fcni'd Be my laB partner
Until the end of may
Luv a secret admirer
you can rough me up anytime.
Meet you at Sam's when you get
Back. Life seems as drab as a black.and
white movie without you. I miss you
immensely. 'Valentine's 'Day is lonely
without you.
foli and Pinna,
Thanks to two cool friends... Happy
'Valentine's (Day!
fifth on your list is just no goal. "But
happy "Valentine's 'Day anyway.
9&.S semi-yellow
Happy 'Valentine's
and thanks for all the tea.
'Dear Squire,
My love to you for your continuing
loyalty. Happy 'Valentine's Day.
Love, four Ladyship
My dearest Lisa,
fust a note to say I love you so much,
(even if you have 'mono').
Happy 'Valentine's Day
Love Anthony
'Be my "Valentine.
The "UnrankedLovable One
'Before I met you, my life was a Blizzard
in the depths of winter. 'We went out,
and the sun came from behind the clouds
to warm the earth.
As the snow melted, the seeds of a
loving relationship began to take root.
Qreen sprouts pushed through the snow,
reaching for more of the life-giving sunlight. Slowly the world awakened to
Become green, and roses of love, of
tenderness, of caring, Began to Bud.
"How these Buds are opening, and as their
scent penetrates the clear summer air, so
you penetrate my heart.
I lookjbrward to spending my autumn
years with you.
All My Love, forever.
D. Dsilva
My heart cannot express the way
I feel about you; you always manage to
Bring me up when I'm down and Blue;
you're voice is the highlight of my day,
there's nothing else that can make
me feel quite that way, all I can say,
Ich leib dich!
"Wir werden verheiratet am vierjahre.
fe t'aime.
Thanksyoufor being the cookie-mon-
stress all these years.
Michael MdKjnley,
Let's do the wild thing,
from your secret admirer
'Where would I Be without most of you?
Sincerely yours,
A Happy And Thankful Man
To the hottest most smartly-dressed man-
I'm over at 'Wood. (Please Bring
me my coat.
Hug. Hug. Hugggggl
you know I love you, right? (sure)
i love you ■ how much?
A143 million, Billion, zillion, trillion
forever, (Boob
"Be my 'Valentine.
The unranked lovable one
you smell
I hate you
Drop dead.
Love Chris
I dreamt of you last night.
In a world of Black,and white
and hushed shades of gray, you walked
away forever. I Became a shadow - a
stale husk.through which a cold wind
sighed and chilled me.
I awoke to a world of colour,
with you nestled in my arms.
I love you.
Tookers, my energy storage unit,
Love ya, honey Bunches. I'd like
to give you a thousand wet kisses. On
"Valentine's Day, let's do some serious
douBle integration (get thatflwcgoing).
you know, Hon, I love you more
than chocolate itself.
Happy "Valentine's Day.
Love, Tooky-%
St. 'Valentine would have loved you.
Love Derek,
To someone usually forgotten on 'Valentine's Day.
My love for you has Bun since I
can remember; it is the deepest and
strongest love, one that can never Be
broken, not even by deaths wrenching
Tha.nk.you for everything. I love you,
your always loving son.
Shortcake^ my harbour in the tempest,
I've gotta photocopy a few things. 'Kgep
me company?
"Lver-lovin fire-in-you-Loins
C'est 'Vrailll
Thanks for being perfect (for me!)...and
everything else, too.
I just want you to know how special you
are to me. you are the sweetest guy a girl
could ever dream of. 'Wiltyou Be my
Love, "Kiathy
Make like a winner and score on me. Mr.
Sunshine, melt me!
The Snow Queen
To the Love (Monkey:
Thanks, friend
To The girl in the fifth row.
Ohhh Baby, ohh Ba6y,I luv you.
The guy in the 6th row.
you have such lovely ...Boots. 'What a
turn on.
My Dearest Itygle-a:
I feel good.. Super-chicken ■ he's
everywhere...you wascally waBBit...
It's Been a re-Markjable 2 years and 7
I can't wait till you're thirty. But let's go
make like bunnies till then.
Snuggle bunny
'We've Been through a lot of good
times and some Bad, But we've always
Been therefor each other. I've never met
anyone else that I've gotten along with
so well. On those rare occassions when
we shared our true feelings and dreams, I
felt so close to you. you know, I never
thought that we would ever Become such
good friends. I hope that our special
friendship will last forever and that we
will never grow apart.
Happy 'Valentine's Day
Mr. Teddy "Bear
you're one of the Best,
'Better than all the rest,
Better than anyone we've ever met,
Thanks for caring,
I'll never forget your help.
To the hunky stud-dude of (Physsoc:
Thamcfor showing us your thighs. Here's
hoping that the Mg you wind up with is
more than a car.
Love and stuff, your merry band of
secret admirers.
(PS. 'We found your piece on the couch.
Dr. Qrigliatti,
you are our knight in shining armour.
Thankjyou for slaying the Beast and
making the sun shine again. (Hpw we
might get through genetics. Our genes are
jumping for you.
Two fair maidens no longer in distress.
To the most horrible andsleezy SUS
I'm crazy about you. I love your company and lookjorward to seeing more
soft porn with you.
Susan S,
I'msoldonyou. Qet it?Sold? Qet it?
A Secreted Admirer
Ay-ah. Lay sumgon Jye-ah. Ay-ah. Lay
gum soung-sing-ah.
■The fourth! ranked
you are not forgotten
Those left behind
Another "Valentine for the Dikster.
A faithful fan
The 432
February 14, 1990 Typical Questions On The Graduate
Studies Admissions Exam
1) Shakespeare said that our wages come from praise.
a) Prove it.
b) Discuss how this effected Lord Byron's handwriting.
2) Define Zrygomatistichyiothysis and then explain why it is in no dictionary in
the known world.
3) A, B, C, D, E, and F are on a train in the same car. One is to the left of B, but
another isn't even though A and C are secretly lovers. E is a blatant communistic
heathen that, in the privacy of his own home, dresses up in children's clothing. F
could care less about the fact that A is sitting to the left of the one who isn't to the
right of E. None of the six know how to calculate Lie Derivatives.
a) Explain how letters from the English Language could possibly have
human characteristics.
b) Why aren't they taking the plane?
//. Physics
1) If you shot a 20 kg ball from a cannon at an angle of 45 degrees at a velocity of
0.9c and it travelled along a trajectory described by the line element of the Sch-
wartzschild metric near the vicinity of a spherically symmetric charged body,
what would be the surface temperature of an observer in a Subaru, if he had
Lyme's Disease?
2) List all the particles that have not yet been discovered, and give their spin,
mass, charge, isospin, and strangeness. Explain why they haven't been discovered
3) Write the Schroedinger Wave Equation for an Undergraduate Student in
Physics 304. Show that if all undergraduates were transformed into a Hilbert
space, it would be a good thing.
4) A beam of optically pumped polarized rubidium atoms is passed through a
non-homogenous field. It then passes through a thin gold foil whereafter it goes
through an adiabatic cooling before colliding with a vector meson field at an
azimuthal angle.
b) Describe how this experiment could be done in the most expensive way
' possible.
///. Mathematics
1) Prove that the integral sign looks more like an F than an S.
2) 1+1=2. Show that this is true for all numbers. Write it in Swahili.
3) If Z is a non-empty set and Q is the adjoint of Z, but a is an element of Q,
show that J is the tenth letter of the alphabet.
IV. Biology
1) Outline the process in which RNA synthesizes asbestos insulation.
2) How do cells transport VCRs across their membranes?
3) Histone HI seems to be a major factor in determining higher orders of chromatin structure. It is also known that untranscribed heterochromatin has much HI. A
special case is found in chicken erythrocyte nuclei. Using examples support the
hypothesis that only those cells with very long names get studied.
4) Outline the process of meiosis and the subsequent decline of singles bars.
5) It is a well-documented phenomenon that cells with damaged nuclei have a
difficult time getting well-paying jobs. Discuss the possible remedies to this
problem and how the phenomenon doesn't apply to the hiring of civil servants.
V. Chemistry
1) Discuss Cold Fusion and exactly why it's true because a chemist discovered it.
2) Acetycolese-9-isomerolycperohinousethericoseimide reacts with Isopropylbu-
ticeryl acid to produce Acetyisocolese-9-
a) So what?
b) Synthesize an even longer name.
3) 6 ml of 12 molar nitric acid is titrated wwith an unknown base to produce 500
ml of jello.
a) Discuss (he relative merits this base has in food packaging.
b) Cold fusion! Is this cold fusion?!?
c) Of course it is! What the hell do you know?
Wb M©@d SfbflpffiilQOB
<£: Sports
Storm the Wall
Can you run a four minute mile?
Is Jamie Astaphan your personal physician?
Do you swim like Alex Baumann?
Are you or have you ever been a bicycle courier?
Are you able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?
S&imm Wmis ^f@m!
Sign «j» in Cfkm 16§ @t csdl Z2S-423S
Pizza & PoP!
Volleyball, Badminton
I Food and much much
more. Be There!
February 23, 1990
Friday 8:30pm-11:30pm
Osborne Gym A
Members: Free
Non-members: $2.00
Questions for Dan
by Derek K. Miller
Why can't they make Liquid Paper
containers thatdon'tcake up afteracouple
of months?
Why, when we see a fire hydrant, do
we think of dogs before we think of fires?
Why can't the car companies make
seat belts that don't get twisted the wrong
way and eaten by the seats?
Why do they teach school kids to use
X as a multiplication sign and then tell
tnem tney can't use it years later because
it looks too much like a variable?
Why does red mean "stop" and
green mean "go?" What do the colours
actually have to do with the actions?
Are there any countries where it's
the other way around, or where blue means
something? Speaking of traffic lights, did
you ever notice that no matter what you 're
doing or where you are, you will stop at a
traffic light (regardless of whether there
is anyone coming the other way or not)?
Or that you '11 answer the phone no matter
where you are, even if you're already out
the front door and on your way to the car?
Wny is that? And wh v is it that you feel so
guilty wnen you don't?
Has anyone ever made a touque that
looks good one someone?
Why is it that bus drivers can see a
person running up from behind a bus
from four hundred feet, but when someone waves at them to stop from the front,
they become instantly blind?
I've used darkroom trays that pour
several litres of developer or otherchemi-
cals neatly from a spout in one corner of
the tray into a jug, without need for a
funnel. Not a drop is spilled. Why doesn' t
anyone use this kind of spout design with
teapots? Why are those cheap metal tea
pots built with the spout end lower than the
rim of the pot, so that when you try to pour
a nearly-full pot tea spills everywhere?
Why is there no such thing as a low
pepper diet?
On the one hand, we're supposed
practice safe sex so we don't all get diseased and overpopulate the world and die,
right? But on the other hand, condoms
aren't biodegradable. So what are we supposed to do? And while we're on the topic
of the environment, why don'tnews shows
tell us something about smog levels or the
Amazon rain forest in those prelude bits
before commercials instead of stock mar
ket things tnat are confusing and uninteresting anvw"-'?
February 14,1990 FORGET VALENTINE'S DAY—
NO   .
4:32pm-8:30pm in SUB Partyroom
Admission: FREE
BZZR: $1.25
CEADER: $1.50
CHUTERS: $1.50
1989>The432> All ttmetid i$ cor^rigfcted
in the name of the author. If no name-is given
then all^nateml J* copyrighted aithenarrKs
of Aaron Drake, wJs> wrote the silly thing.
The 432 «wse$i oat ev«ry Wednesday to a
eiKsttknon of «KKK> wacko science- stade&ts.
That's && <#*y it was, Volume 3, Issue
lG,Wednesday, February I4V 15*90, Happy
Vateaijae's Day
Editor: Aaron Drake
Writers and contributors: David W
sf ew,Petek Mifler,<3reg Wefbnan, Mios
Drake, TrentHtowner, AiiGiligson, KjsUj
\rtfotsj Ken Otter, Jos Wu,.
Layout Pasteup; Aaron Drake, Derek
Miller, Ari Giligson
Dr. Guggisberg
by Kelly Guggisberg
Because the editor of The 432 has been
ragging on us SUS members to contribute to this issue, .1 decided to write about
different possible: "A Collection Of (remember last issue?)
If you didn't see the last issue of The
432, you'll have NO idea of what I'm
babbling about, but, anyhow...off my T-
shirt that I bought on while on holiday last
summer, come the following terms:
A Charm of Finches
A Cete of Badgers
A Deceit of Lapwings
An Exaltation of Larks
An Unkindness of Ravens
Ask Dr Greg
by Greg Wellman
Dear Doctor Greg,
Where do those mysterious dents
in our car doors come form?
-Trent Hammer
When cars are arranged in a regular
matrix, much as in a parking lot, they
enhance the quantum fluctuations
allowed by the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle so that enough energy
may become available for a section of
door panel to tunnel. It quantum tunnels from a convex to concave state,
maximizing entropy. It is hypothesized
that under optimal conditions (eg a
multi-level parkade in an earthquake) it
could be possible to achieve DASEPN
(Damage Amplification Through
Stimulated Emission of Popping
Dr <3reg has a PftD in Astral
Travel, I believe.
A Clutch of Eggs
A Bouquet of Pheasants
A Parliament of Owls
An Ostentation of Peacocks
A Crash of Rhinos
A Plague of Locusts (seems appropriate
for these ugly things)
A nest of Rabbits
A Business of Ferrets
A Congregation of Plovers
So, you smart-ass out therc.what are
the collective terms for:
Doves,Elks, and Asses.
No, unfortunately, I won't be wearing
my T-shirt for a while.
Kelly Guggisberg sits on council
and usually wears a T-shirt. If
you want to see her without her
T-shirt on, drop by Chem 160
any time.
»Y clement
<H>PAYS, Shouts flap
Q. WHe^E SHouLP>tu M"SS"
To iMHeP-tflTELY
AS tV£f-Y<rl6 pfewS.TMt M&OE
ApvMTftee of- THIS IF «<E "ft
Rons tus/n&n-tvuiUE nct^s
t* metal m ft*ftn> maiWeR.
the KierfiLMWies provide
- A coNvertrijirtftL'FSEiicH
i.SfPlrt&IMQ-Tilt TRAP:
i-'HeP IN the-TRAP'
CtfULFwfly IflSiPEj OKE
f'fce fuLLY Sack's THE
PARTrtEICs r»Hf.ut iH Rttp
H«L>s «tf X' IT f oR
Several sec«rtps.TWS cArt
BE a «sy EXCXTINI, taS5
(THE <FfxcxfiL.)
TO       1
GEtiEfcftL ^Er\>JhlQ-
(HIGHLY £.KoMMtl4>Et>>
is f'*.
pefc.SoN'S UVULR
CoufLE TrtRT CAK TWftriG-
M IMP^JjMT" HoT£--
ft M°M&olXAn LIi(\^J>
Sdow your bmd ones your hmrtl
What better way than to gove them a
T-shirt with a heart on it - a REAL
heart, in red and black!
Aable from trie
Pre-Med Society
G-30 in IRC
^r Classifieds yy
Wanted L^Qtpreg
One male of height 6' 4",dark wavy hair
and hazel eyes. Should wear fedora and and-
an earring in the left ear, as well as turning
orange when Halloween arrives. Computer
Science major a plus. No experience necessary. Please apply in person, 4th floor. Ask
for Spike.
Editor for the 1990 SUS Summer Guide.
Successful applicant will be responsible for
compiling and editing an entire magazine.
Great experience for those who want to
write. Doesn't pay a cent. Apply at Chem
PreMed Society presents the following
Feb 20: Radiation Oncology by Dr.
Feb 27: Infectious Disease by Dr.
Mar 6 : Plastic Surgery by Dr.
Talk to the PreMed Society for room
numbers and all that, cause they didn't tell
Get your teams together for Storm The
Wall. Registration starts on the 26lh of Feb.
Pre-registration, whatever the blue heck that:
is, goes from the 8 to the 26 of Feb. 40
smackers per team, and each person gets the ■•
coolest T-shirt on earth. Any questions?
We're in Chem 160, 228-4235.
Congratulations to the Physsoc Ball
Hockey team, and good luck this term.
Physsoc won the ball hockey championship
last term and is playing hard this term, and
could repeat
Don't forget the noon hour runs! You get
lots of points for each run, and we need you
out there in the chase for first place overall
in the Intramurals Points Standings.
Notice: The due date for Pre-MCAT fees
has been extended. See the PreMed Society
for details.
Hey Compsci! Betcha Physics gets out
•more Storm the Wall teams than you.
Winner gets a framed certificate from the
loser that says how wonderful and perfect
the winning department is. Is the bet on, or
are you all too busy making viruses? You
know who to contact.
Coming Soon!! Special Event!! Medicine
Facilities During Disasters!! Are we
Tenders are now being accepted for
Security and Bar Contracts for the Last
Class Bash. Bids should be seubmitted in
writing to Antonia Rozario, at Chem 160 by
March 1,1990
The 432
February 14, 1990


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