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The 432 Oct 18, 1989

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Array yuC Archives Serial
The Newspaper of the Science Undergraduate Society
Volume 3, Number 4
October 18 1989
What Goes Up Must Come Down
The Problem of Acid Rain
by Elizabeth-Anne Brown
On September 16, 1989, seven
thousand people showed for the
first annual Walk For the Environment. The organizers had
hoped for a tunti-out of ten thousand, but it rained. Ironically, the
rainwater that fell on Vancouver
that day had a pH of 4.7. Rainwater with a pH of 5.5 is considered normal.
What's the big deal? Simply
put, the rain thait fell was acidic.
Item: The phenomena of acid rain and
acid fog occurs as a result of atmospheric cleansing processes. The chemical reactions responsible take place in
the troposphere - the bottom 15 km of
the atmosphere. The process is initiated
when a photon of light reacts with a
molecule of ozone (03). The molecule
splits into an oxygen atom (02) and a
very reactive oxygen atom. The oxygen
atom reacts with water to produce two
hydroxyl radicals (HO). It is these hy-
droxyl radicals that react with nitrogen
dioxide and sulphur dioxide tp produce
nitric acid and sulphuric acid.
SUS Hires
Bowing to pressure from special
interest groups, the Science
Council on Oct 4, voted to hire a
permanent security guard for
Chem 160. Antonia Rozario,
External Vice President will
handle the task of filling the position. "Of course, we need the right
applicant, because the SUS will
be placing all of Chem 160 into
his or her hands."
SUS President Ari Giligson
denies that the decision to hire
security personnel was sparked
by the recent AUS office break-
ins. "It was a council decision that
was sparked by a few individuals
continued on page 3
When the droplets are diluted
by water and fall to the earth as
acid rain, they have both direct
and indirect effects on the soil
and plant life below. The raised
concentrations of H+ can damage the protoplasm of root cells.
The unusually high amounts of
acid influences the availability
of nutrients and concentration
of toxins on the soil.
In a province where most of
the economy rests on the environment, acid rain could spell
disaster. Forests can be attacked
from above by acid rain. Conifers are especially susceptible:
the ozone molecule can destroy
chlorophyll and degrades the
waxy coating on the trees
needles. This weakening of the
tree's natural defences opens
the door for acid rain or cloud
water to soak into needle tissue
and leach out nutrients.
The damaging effects of acid
rain can destroy B.C.'s fish
stocks. An increased acid concentration in a lake directly
upsets the enzyme activity and
ion balance of the organisms
*   In this issue   *
£<Mof $ Comment 2
Letters to the editor 2
AMS Heats Op 3
Our New Dean 3
Credits 3
CommentAri 4
tThe Back Row 4
New Snoots 5
The Art of Science a
ThaFs Trivial 6
Deep Thoughts 7
Classifieds 8
LMStein            ,. ^ $
that live there. Acid rain also increases concentrations of heavy
metals. These combined effects
deteriorates the entire
The amount of naturally produced hydroxyl radicals is not
the determining factor of acid
rain; as one might expect, we are
the cause. What is it that we do?
We burn fossil fuels.
Why is rain in Vancouver
acidic? The answer lies in part
with large industrial plants in the
city, but by far the biggest menace is the standard automobile.
Cars burn 50% of the world's
fossil fuels; cars are responsible
for 40% of the nitric acids
spewed into the atmosphere.
Many thought that the answer
to the automobile pollution
problem was unleaded gasoline
and improved fuel emission
standards. Yet even though the
small econo boxes of today are
twice as efficient as the prehistoric dinosaurs from the past, the
sheer number of cars over-
continued on page 3
by Aaron Drake
Elections Commissioner Catherine
Rankel is disappointed with the low
voter turnout for this year's departmental and year rep elections. "Only
102 students voted," Rankel stated.
"The turnout really sucked."
Rankel, who also serves as Internal
Vice President on the SUS council did
add that while the turnout was low,
she was pleased with the number of
positions filled this year. "Last year
we had nine seats filled. This year, we
have 19."
The election, on October 11, was
held with few problems. Rankel
admitted that she was a little worried
that there wouldn't be enough
pollsters to man the booths, but those
doubts proved unfounded.
Derek Miller (SUS Director of
Finance), when questioned about the
voter turnout, which made up only
3.9% of all eligible voters, said he
wasn't surprised. "It's a good thing
we didn't have to make quorum," he
The main problem, Miller believes,
is that students don't feel informed
enough about the SUS. They don't
see how a rep could help them. "Why
continued on page 3
New Shoots off again, after a brief vacation:
Page 5
Devan Fauste believes that every person should be able to build a nuclear
bomb for home defense:
I  The 432, the Newspaper of the Science Undergraduate
Society. Circuliiion 3600. The 432 c/o Dean of Science,
Room 1S07, Biosciencea Bldg., Univetsilty of British
Columbia, B.C. V6T1W5 228-4235.
Please recycle
this paper
(c) 1989
The 432
t Handbook
Page 6
Need hints on the perfect
Page 8
The 432
October 18,1789 Editor's
Ultimately, editors must be held
accountable for whatever appears in
their paper. If an article appears that
is incorrect or misleading, the editor
shares the blame with the author. In
the same light, editors must be held
accountable for libellous reporting.
A few people asked about the
432's liability for the comments
made by Devan Fauste about Morgan Burke (Vol3 Iss3, Letters to the
Editor). Morgan gave us permission
to print the letter - therefore, we are
relieved of our reponsibility. Consent is an absolute defense - the
libelled can take no action against
Next: I've been asked to submit
some questions to the new Dean.
Here they are:
I've heard of stores that accept all
major credit cards. How come there
aren't stores that accept minor credit
cards? What the heck is a minor
credit card anyway? A card that
you've only had for nineteen days?
And those little flaps in the front of
men's underwear. What are they
for? Who ever uses them? I don't
(when I wear underwear).
Have you ever run out of ink in a
pen, anyway? No! You lose it first or
it explodes. So why do they give us
so much ink? Is this a confidence
trick? We'll never write that much.
I mean, have you ever seen a Bick
pen that was empty of ink?
Why does n always go to infinity? What's there? Our missing
What is Martenizing?Why does it
take an hour? Who is Marten? What
is he doing to my clothes? Is it
Ever try to adjust the brightness
control on your TV? The people
don't get any smarter.
Nipples. Men don't need nipples.
Nobody asked for them. Why are
they there? There are other ways to
find out how cold it is.
On the news, why are we always
told that someone was fatally slain?
Can you be slain without it being
Why can't the engineers remember who they are, anyway? Listen:
you are, you are, you are the engineers. Now leave us the heck alone.
Are Ken and Barbie married? If
not, what are we doing to the morals
of children everywhere? All of
Barbie's beds are double beds!
Remember when you first put Ken
on top of Barbie? Boy, they better
not be living in sin? What are their
last names?
Why is Jughead called Jughead?
Why doesn't he like women? How
can a burger replace sex? Is he gay?
Why won't he admit it?
Why do they want disabled access
to the dance floor of the Pit? Think
about it...
Why do we say that clocks go
clockwise? Is there any other way it
goes? From the clock's point of
view, it goes counterclockwise.
What about digital clocks? When all
clocks become digital how will the
future generations know which way
to turn the screwdrivers? Will
screwdrivers cease to exist?
Feminine protection. There's one
for you. What's masculine protection? A jockstrap?
Why do we say our alarm went
off? It didn't, for crying out loud:
the alarm went ON.
Why do they call it air conditioning? Is the air out of shape? What
kind of calisthenics does air do,
Have you ever seen a baby
pigeon? You haven't? You know
why? Because pigeons are alien
Who brings baby storks?
Why do you have to clean fish?
They 've been in water all their lives.
How about "Kills Bugs Dead"? Is
there any other way?
Why do we call them flashlights?
Flashlights don't flash.
What use is a car alarm on a Pinto?
Why is it that we can't say BEER,
but we can say BZZR? What has
everyone got against the letter E? Is
it because its the first letter in Engineering?
Continental breakfasts aren't that
What's the little dip between your
nose and lip? Is it a funnel for snot?
Who asked for this anyway?
Why do they chain up pens in the
bank? Who wants to steal a pen that
doesn't work?
Would the campus cowboys tow
a wheelchair?
Jumbo shrimp. Give me a break.
Why do we have parking lights?
Nobody uses them? Why do they
come on when we're driving?
Why are they called Big Macs?
Why aren't there Little Macs?
What kind of animal is Grimace?
Why don't they prosecute the Ham-
burglar? What is in the special
sauce? Crankcase oil? And can you
order a smile to go?
How come no one was a downtrodden peasant in their past life?
Why was everybody Ceasar or Jesus or someone famous?
Why do they have car bras? Do
their headlights sag? Do people
with learner's licences have to put
on training bras? What about male
Salmon don't run. They swim. I
mean, really...
We eat heart, tongue, liver, kidney, brain, stomch, intestines...why
don't we eat spleen?
Why do editors get to write their
own blurbs? Isn't that narcissistic gratuitous ego milking?
Yeah, 3 know H is. Don't yon
wish you could do it? Eat your
heart out Aaron Drake is one
cool dude and undeniably the
best thing to happen to this universe. Better than Tetris, even.
Letters   to  the  editor
Dear sir,
re "Resignations Plague
SUS", Vol3 Iss2,1 found your comment "Still reeling from the sudden
resignation of Science Week Coordinator Phen Huang..." rather ambiguous.
Miss Huang was told that she would
have to forfeit her ex-officio position
because she had transferred to a
different faculty. Luckily, Miss Huang
has offered to remain on this year's
Science Week Committee. Phen Huang
still remains extremely active in
assisting and organizing events and
continues to be an asset to the SUS.
For this reason, I felt obliged to write
so that this matter could be clarified.
Antonia Rozario
SUS-External Vice President
Dear sir,
I greatly enjoyed the last
issue of the 432 (Vol3, Iss2). I also
thought that the previous issue (Vol3,
Iss2) was great. I can't wait for the
next issue (Vol3, Iss2?).
Martin Frauendorf
Comp. Sci. 4
Dear sir,
I seem to have received two
copies of Volume 3, Issue 2 of the
432! Naturally, this was very distressing. I hope you will promptly correct
your files and credit my account
Mark Anderson
Comp. Sci. 4
Dear sir,
I have discovered a truly
remarkable phenomenon which proves
the existence of a parallel universe to
ours. This universe exists parallel in
space but two weeks behind in time.
How did I discover this? Why, the 432,
of course! I picked up a copy of Vol3,
Iss2 dated Sept 20,1989, and just
today, a copy of Vol3, Iss2 dated Oct 4
fell from the parallel universe into my
hands. So there you have if positive
and irrefutable proof that there exists a
parallel universe two weeks behind us
in time.
Vincent Lim
Comp. Sci 4
Thank God for CompSci! - ed
PtiQ9 W
While the SUS finds it understandable for any club to wish to be a
distinct society, it wishes to remind all club executive (one club in
particular) that the express policy of the Science Undergraduate
Society is to not endorse a Meech Lake - like compromise.
In that light, any wishes to succeed from the Faculty of Science
are met with strong reservations on behalf of the Science Executive. More important, the SUS recognizes its responsibility, to the
Science students, to keep all clubs under one flag.
Therefore, be it known that any attempts at autonomy will be met
with strong opposition. The SUS will make exactly clear the
definition of "strong opposition" forthwith:
Any signs of succession by any club may result in declaration of
Martial Law in that club, including the detention of members by the
Black Hand Militia. The Executive of that offending club will be
placed under immediate arrest. The penalty, if these exec are found
guilty, is immediate death: all execs will be kissed by Tammy Faye
Baker. Finally, the confiscation of all valuable materials will follow.
All beer and snacks are forfeit to the executive council of the SUS,
without chance for appeal.
Thus, any signs of an uprising from club thugs will be met in a
Grenada-like fashion, reducing the club, its exec, and its possessions to a smouldering molten slag, that will act as a funeral pyre
for the dying children and their cries of desperation and torment
will echo in the ears of the foolish elders for generations to come.
Have a nice day.
The 432
October 18, 1789 EYE To:Martin From:TheBi»Boss - Who is thisAnthony guy? Have him Killed!   ZYL
continued from page 1
whelms any significant reduction
in emission.
Many believe that the acid rain
problem in Canada is on the
mend. Canada plans to half its
sulphur dioxide emissions in the
Eastern United States will be
reduced, reducing the crisis on the
maple forests of Eastern Canada.
Many large cities (Los Angeles
for example-where the smog is as
acidic as lemon juice) are ordering commuters into car pools.
The problem has been recognized by the governments, but the
steps taken to help remedy the
situation aren't enough. Drastic
changes in how industry and
transportation is fueled as well as
a change in the attitude of the
people is necessary to prevent the
destruction of our forests and fish
stock. In Eastern Canada, immediate action is required in order to
save the national symbol, the
maple leaf, from almost certain
death. Here's a small thought for
all of you who still don't fell the
immediacy of the problem: how
much are you willing to pay for a
bottle of pure, Canadian Maple
SUS Security
continued from page 1
that voiced their concerns," he
said. "We need to protect our
When further questioned about
the demands of the position,
Rozario admitted that the security
guard would take up residence in
the SUS office. "He'll have his
own little hut, right beside the 432
Editor's desk."
In addition, Rozario added, the
guard would carry weapons at all
times. "Heavennnnnssssss. He
would have big teeth, of course,
and could bite any would-be bur-
SUS hired, on the spot, Cujo the
Gerbil. He can be found in his
liitle aquarium, on Antonia's
desk, when he isn't being used for
cruel and sadistic animal experiments.
"Human science is an uncertain
Sir David Bester
AMS Heats Up
A quick account of the AMS
practicums or working at VGH,
meeting for Oct 11
and therefore could not be clas
sified as day students.
The Wednesday Oct 11 meet
In light of these develop
ing of the AMS council proved
ments, the council voted not to
anything but boring.
accept the results as they were.
The motion to accept the
If that wasn't enough, emo
results of the referendum as they
tions rose when Director of
were reported was debated at
External Affairs Vanessa Geary
length. Much concern was
introduced a motion to have the
expressed over what quorum
AMS officially endorse Na
exactly was. Sarah Mahr, AMS
tional Choice Day, thereby
Vice-President, admitted that
supporting pro-choice. The
quorum might actually be
council was violently split, and
lowered. If such a case were so,
argued for an hour. The ques
then the NO votes would have
tion was: did the AMS have the
achieved quorum and the
right to an opinion on such a
RecFac proposal would thereby
moral issue? After an hour of
be defeated.
debate, the council voted that
The controversy centers
no, such was not the case.
around how many students
Meanwhile, back at the
actually make quorum. Ten per
cent of the regular day students
is the number that quorum is
fixed at. However, Sarah Mahr
found, there were approximately
650 students that were away on
tinued from page 1
should they vote if they don't think
it matters for anything?"
While the returns aren't in yet foi
the elections, nine department rep
and four year rep positions are in b
y acclamation:
Lloyd Jeffs
Sylvia Cho
Computer Science/Math:
Yvonne Lee
Mira Bajic
Adrian Abdool
I    Pharmacology:
Phil Edora
Caireen Hanert
Pam Sproule
Joseph Wu
4th year rep:
Trent hammer
3rd year reps:
Louisa Dickinson
Todd Donnelly
Science has new Dean
Barry McBride, Microbiology
head, was named Dean of
Science, effective Jan. 1,1990.
The appointment was approved
by the Board of Governors on
Sept 28, on the recommendation
of U.B.C. President David
Dr. McBride replaces Robert
Miller, who resigned as Dean to
accept the position of Vice-
President, Research, over a year
The Science Undergraduate
warmly welcomes Dr. McBride
and looks forward to working
with him.
Dr. McBride was chosen after
an extensive international
search for a new Dean of
Quote of the Week
Submitted by Loveleen Lohia
"That equation I just erased was
wrong. There should have been a
dV, not just V"
"Oh, there was a dV there?"
"If I think I've made a mistake
when I haven't, is that a double
"Can I run for Biochem Dept Rep
Dr. Burnell, Chem 201
Dls i$da 4$2, &&\£i Bis 4$2 is dons
fey j&Liwiferv a funny aame for a
Macintosh $£, Now, dig 432 was
®m& in da Beast, a funnier name for
da 8QMB hard drive. But waddaya
expect wdtn a Juaay nasieiifceda432,.
That's the w? *t was Volume 3, Issue
4. Wednesday, October 4, l$%9.
Editor: Aaron C Eteka
Writer? (as well as contributors to
articles): Tanya Rose* DevaaPausie*
Aaron C* Drake, Derek Miller, David
W. Mew, HkaoeuVAnne Brows,. Orvin
L&u, Trent Hammer, Alan Douglas, Ari
Gitigson, Loveleen tohia
Artists: Joe Wu, Ken Otter, Aaron
Layout/Pastenp: Elizabeth-Anne
Brown, AX.D.
Printed by College ftintets
Hie 432 is funded by the SUS and not
by Motely Crue. Sixty million read our
newspaper every day. Believe that? AH
material is copyrighted in the name of
the author, 1989. Otherwise, all
material is copyrighted in the name of
Aaron C Drake, 1989, Whee, I scoop
up potential salable articles. Everyone
out there should feel guilty because It's
three m the morning and l*m working
to get this to you on time, it would be
easier if someone who felt guilty wrote
a few articles for me. You know,
writing is a good way to vent a!i your
subliminal sexual urges. Keener* take
note here. Any of you frosho&t there
who have never written for a teal
newspaper and have lots of sexual
urges to vent oH, drop something off. K
you don't you will go blind.
Have a nice day.
0  1989, The 432
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The 432
October 18,1789 CommentAri
by Ari Giligson
Aaron: So, Ari when are you
going to submit that article.
Ari: Oh yeah sure umm, I have
something..um..right here.
So, our topic for today is... how	
how to how to win friends
and-no that's no good. Ok the
topic is how to think. Yes that's
right, you thought you have been
doing this all the time. Well yes,
you have been thinking all this
time but how have you been
thinking? How have you approached the problem? Have you
thought about thinking? Well,
indulge me in this bit of hypocrisy
and read about my thoughts on
Whenever we approach a
problem we must deal with facts
that we must manipulate to fit the
context of the problem and
provide us with a novel re-arrangement of the facts. This rearrangement, if it satisfies us, we
call a solution. By "problem" I
don't mean the questions you get
in Math 1001 mean any complex
set of conditions in life that
require a decision to be made or
action to be taken.
There are two sets of
facts, of data, that we may solve a
problem with.
One set is the external; varying
from situation to situation and
originating in the outside world.
The other set is the internal; a set
of preconceived notions that we
have about the outside world. One
name applied to these internal data
is "common sense", which Einstein aptly defined as a set of
prejudices set down before the age
of 18.
When we get down to the
actual mechanics of solving the
problem these two data elements
are freely merged. If during the
course of the solving of the problem and obvious error occurs in
the external data then we usually
throw out the erroneous data and
replace it with data that is more
consistent with the solution that
seems to be emerging. But, we
would rather throw out external
data than internal data (our preconceived notions), because we
are more familiar with our internal
data and have spent more time
applying it to problems and it has
served us well enough.
The solution to our problem is now more likely to be
tailored to fit our preconceived
notions. In fact it we are happier to
get a poorly correlated solution
that fits with internal data than a
well correlated solution that fits
with the external. This tendency to
stick with our internal ideas for
solutions becomes even more
pronounced when our peers share
similar internal data. In other
words: not only are we happier
when a solution is found that
agrees with our notions but we are
happy that everyone else is happy
that the solution agrees with their
By now most of you have
given up on this article as a boorish
attempt at a pedantic illustration of
the way that the research establishment works. Wrongo, this pedantic
illustration applies to life in
general; our ideas about how the
world works, our moral philosophies, etc.
So what's new you ask?
What's new is I want you to try
Take a week to disbelieve in
things. I mean start with anything
simple like say an event from
history. Ask: why do I believe this;
what sort of hard evidence, if any,
is involved; is there a possibility
that this is simply a prejudice laid
down in my last 18 years. Most importantly ask yourself: What would
it take to convince me that this
thing that I believe is true is not?
For instance if your math prof
announced that 2+2=5 would you
take that as being the new truth; if
not, then what would convince you
that 2+2=5?
When you have had
enough practice disbelieving
simple things - like the stuff profs
tell you in lecture - move on to
things that you thought were true
for more years of your life; work
up to philosophies, goals etc. that
your parents taught you - these are
the tough ones (I am NOT saying
renounce them. I am saying ask
yourself WHY, for what good
reason, do you believe in them)
Perhaps you wonder why I
wrote this. In my wild adventures
here at UBC in student and faculty
politics (well okay, not that wild
but interesting anyway) I have run
into a lot of people that were very
stubborn and set in their ways,
seemingly for no good reason.
And, no, they weren't all older.
Certainly the older we become the
more we are considered set in our
ways but some people just refuse
to tune in to the outside world.
They are perfectly happy with the
way things were and perfectly
happy to see that they continue that
The world changes even as
you read this. Popular ideas of
what is true today will not be those
of tomorrow. Learn to live with the
change and learn to be influence by
the world around you. The Zen
have a philosophy that one should
develop a mind like water-able to
flow from one circumstance to
another and reside there just as
water can flow, can take the shape
of its container and can be replenished by its source.
What's that ? You say you
don't like my ideas? You say they
are a load of what? Well it's
obvious to me you have a mind
like a brick.
See Y'all later.
That was the Dali Uarnma Ari
Giligson, who sometimes
doubles as a rational human
being. When Ari isn't tripping
over the astral plane and other
higher levels of being, you cm
find him in Chem 160, witli his
opinions and beliefs that are set
Friday November If*
Is the Science Undergraduate   8*ciety"a
fcaroril fc&alhE
tickets are $5 aad in-
&r p&fk Loot out for
farther details mt pasters and  advertise*
nients later!
Set   your  tickets early from
Chem    160    or
^UB Ban Office*
The Back Row
/5       ^
Frosh Bumblings
by Orvin Lau
(Flashback to August)
I've received my Telereg package, my sign-up date has arrived,
and I'm all set to go. Or so I think. I begin by reading the Standard
Timetable booklet, and I find out it says, "Beginning AUGUST 1,
you must register in all courses in your program one course at a
time." Bummer. And I thought it was going to be easy.
Now by this time, all my friends have signed up. They toid me
how easy it was to sign up with an STT. They all have earlier signup dates than me. They also have higher GPAs than me. So I figure
this: the lower your GPA (ie. the stupider you are), the later you sign
up. So, all the smart guys get to sign up with one number, and all
us not-so-smart people have to search through the Telereg booklet
for all the catalog numbers for our courses. Shouldn't it be the other
way around? (Or is this natural selection?)
After hours of busy signals, flipping pages, swearing, cursing,
and sheer hell, I finally finished. Mission accomplished.
(Now that I've got that gripe off my mind, back to the present.)
For those of us who are well informed, we often hear about the
bookstore lineups. In fact, in one of the Telereg booklets, it warns
that you should get your books early, and so I did. Boy, was I in for
a shock.
Someone out there is getting very wealthy. Very, very wealthy.
Sickeningly wealthy. These textbooks aren't expensive, they're
outrageous. $71.95 for a Physics 110 textbook! Not only that, some
textbooks come with equally exorbitant study guides. (After looking through the study guide, I think I need a study guide to the study
guide.) They are also very heavy, counteracting the weight lost by
my wallet. Thank goodness there is no tax on books. (Michael
Wilson, get out of the country!)
One thing I fear is that the prof will change the textbook he uses
next year. Then I can't unload my books on some poor sucke- er,
I mean, frosh next year. And the poor frosh next year will have to
buy new, even more expensive textbooks.
I noticed an unusual phenomenon at the bookstore. Price tends
to be inversely proportional to size. In other words, the smaller the
book, the more it costs. I think this is to pay for cramming the same
amount of crap into a smaller space.
Remember I mentioned get your books early? Ha. I found out
that my English instructor did not give the bookstore a booklist. In
fact, she never gave the bookstore a booklist. What a pain! It ends
up that I had to go back to the bookstore some time later to weaken
my financial status further, and I got the chance to think about it in
a nice, long lineup.
Orvin Lau may or may not be oneof our first year rer>s. As we go to
press, we don't have the results in just yet. Be content with the fact
that Orvin is one of our staffers running for first year rep. How about
that? No sarcastic remark this time in the editors note.
The 432
October 18,1789 ^xmmmmWiim
What Thev Say
Do you have a second?
Do you have a few minutes?
I don't understand the question.
I understand.
Did you do the assignment?
I'm in unclassified studies.
I'm shooting for a first class.
I didn't like the prof.
The course was very boring.
I don't like structured studies.
Einstein  didn't do well in
Wild GtrtpJtf
What Thev Mean
Do you have a few minutes?
Do you have a few hours?
I didn't look at the question.
I don't understand I    Tanking, by the way, is a rite developed ^f^tfffX
I    purely functional purposes. Hithouf tankingspr*.*"1'*
n„~ t ee  r      \ Engineers would never bathe.        '■-■'--^      «—*   •
Can I copy off of you?*-
We were supposed to study Engineers in this
issue, but it was very hard to find one
toving, let alone coherent. Froi observationsi
we took, it seess that Engineers sate with
-,      /
I didn't make it into Med School.
I'm shooting for a pass.
I failed.
I failed.
I fail a lot of courses.
I fail a lot of courses, but I can't
think of a good excuse.
tie did manage to capture one Engineer in a
reasonable state (not cosatose). To study
his, we placed hiss in a cage with a nuaber of
blocks and a banana hanging froa the ceiling.
The Engineer promptly Bade a cairn out of thej
blocks, then sat in the corner singing "The
S+H Han."
The following is a list of fasous Engineers:
New Shoots      SEMANTICS
by David W. New
Several weeks back, in the
middle of an even lengthier than
usual AMS meeting, a motion came
forward suggesting, in strict bureau-
cratese, that the bulky AMS Code
and Bylaws contained sexist language; the motion proposed to
change it. It passed, unanimously, as
I recall, replacing "he" by "she/he,"
"him" by "her/him," "his" by "her/
his," and "himself' by "herself/himself throughout the document. An
amendment proposing that "she/
he," "him/her," "her/his," and "himself/herself be used instead, failed.
Some of you will call the
entire episode trivial. Some of you
will call it semantic but mean trivial,
displaying your greatly cultured
background and utter lack of knowledge of what the word means. And
some of you will applaud it ferociously.
To be honest, I personally
find it hard to really care. I'm assured that if I were female, I would
feel somehow threatened eveiy time
I heard the male pronoun used to
refer to both genders — and maybe
I would. I'm wDlingto surrenderthe
doubt, and not caring either way is ^
not the same as resisting change. But
for centuries (centuries of a male-
dominated society, true), the English language has evolved to where
its only proper gender-indiscriminate pronoun, "it," has become totally unacceptable to human sensibilities, necessitating bulky mul
tiple-gender slashed or hyphenated
pronouns that jar the ear. As a culture, though, we 're getting used to it.
No one ever said "pterodactyl" was
a beauty to hear, either.
All of which leads to a
grudging acceptance of such terms
in written and spoken English, and
which brings me to the notion of
order. "His/her" is the usual order—
and I agree, if this does anything, it
propagates the accused male domination of the language. But does
"she/he" do any better? It only replaces the one, historically documented oppression with a pedantically obvious and completely artificial new one. The fate of Ken
Armstrong's amendment to the
AMS motion, going wholly misunderstood and failing majestically,
illustrates the degree to which 'progressive' Western cultures are determined to pander to the historically oppressed.
People have used this same
argument to argue against French-
Canadian or native rights. I don't
hold with that. It's not an argument
against the granting of rights to a set
of individuals, but rather, an argument against prohibitively generous
benificence, the granting of replacement rights instead of or in addition
to the ones which everyone deserves. Equality is not superiority;
elimination of wrongdoing is not revenge.
Society cannot progress
before it accepts equality, not as
something to be striven for, but as a
basic tenet to be taken for granted.
Until no rights are accorded either
gender separately — and accorded
by opinion, not by law — until it's
regarded as normal for a man to wear
a dress or a woman to own a house,
for a man to change diapers or for a
woman to go topless, true equality is
some ways off. (Yes, it is unusual for
a woman to own a house, if I'm to
believe a friend of mine in Prince
George, who's female, 20, owner of
a house, and never believed when
she says so.)
Language is as powerful a
weapon as any nuclear missile, but
who thinks of glowing tulips while
saying, "light bulb," and who thinks
only of one gender while saying,
"manslaughter?" Yet perfectly ordinary words, which most speakers do
not associate with their component
parts, are what is being challenged.
It's not that the language doesn't
need change: languages always do,
and tend to adapt automatically to
changes in their prevalent society.
But the change doesn't need to be
forced and overbearing, and certainly not creative of a female domination equal to the current male.
An episode of the British
TV series, Red Dwarf, features the
characters (three of them, all male)
entering an alternate universe
wherein all genders are reversed.
They meet their own counterparts,
and dialogue ensues in which the
women are extraordinarily patroniz
ing, unforgiving, and presumptuous
to the men. The script at first seems
phony — and then one begins to
imagine the words coming from a
man's mouth. I was horrified to discover how normal they sounded.
And in Samuel R. Delany's
experimental novel, Stars in My
Pocket Like Grains of Sand, the pronoun "she" is used for all characters,
regardless of gender, and "he" restricted to those for whom the speaker
feels a sexual attraction. It sounds
weird only for the first fifty pages.
Strangely, one eventually accepts -
expects - it.
Yes, the language must be
changed. And maybe bantering
around with "mailman," "mankind,"
and whether "she/he" is better than
"he/she" is the way to start. But blunting the weapon never mollified the
fighter. Change the attitudes, and the
language will take care of itself.
David W, New went into abrupt shock
upon reading his tmtributfon to issue
#2, mid for two weeks believed he was
a doughnut. Bis eyes have recently
Dave's hiatus isoven New Shoots
will Newly Shoot I even let him
write a blurb for himself, so you
can't call menarcissisticor gratuitous, Dave New is cor man about
campus in Astrology* whoops,
Astronomy 3,
The 432
October 18,1789 by
The Art Of Science
The Terrorist's Handbook: Part I
A psychology student, after reading
my last article, has informed me that I am
an obsessive compulsive. I have an almost "psychotic preoccupation with activists and their conduct" How about
that? I'm a fanatic about fanatics. An
activist against activists. I'm a terrorist
terrorizing terrorists. She prescribed
medication and I'm much better now.
Being psychotically preoccupied for
the past few years, I've amassed a lot of
information and ideas, especially about
nuclear warfare. After being analyzed
by this frosh, I decided that it would be
better to inform than to rail. So, with the
help of Aaron Drake, I came up with this
A Handyman's Guide to Building an
Atomic Bomb for Home Defense or
Part 1: Acquisition-Finding the Fissionable Material
First of all, let me point out that even
though the government can produce
nuclear explosives, it is still a very difficult task. The biggest drawback, of
course is capital, capital, capital. You
need money for explosives, lab equipment, vehicles, and so on.
For the sake of argument, let's asume
you have access to unlimited funds.
Terrorists usually have money - all they
have to do is knock over a bank or kidnap
someone. It would be a good idea to build
your bomb with the aid of your local
terrorist chapter. With their support, not
only do you get money, but you have
valuable manpower. You have valuable
fanatical manpower, which is much better. Terrorists will do almost anything if
you convince them it's for their cause.
They won't mind dying in shootouts or
from radiation sickness. In fact, they'd
feel honoured.
Now that you've got money and men,
all you need is the fissionable material.
You want plutonium or uranium - Pu-
239, U235. Knocking over a lot of Physics 115 labs won't help you: they use
depleted plutonium and uranium. All the
fissionable material is taken out, and
we're left with Pu-240 or U-238. Neither
of these will make nuclear bombs, in any
amount. And while plutonium is used
widely in pacemakers, it is Pu-238 that is
used. It won't help to systematically
knock off our senior citizens.
Where do you get fissionable material?
You could steal a ready-made bomb
from the government, of course, but that
just defeats the spirit of the project,
doesn't it? It's like buying a fish instead
of catching it-the reward is in the toil, and
not in the final product Besides, nuclear
weapons caches tend to be heavily
guarded with real armies and real guns.
Terrorists don't like shooting atanything
buthelpless civilians (TerroristRule#l).
Keep this in mind, though-we'll come
back to it eventually.
Other than in nuclear bombs, you'll
find the fissionable material in nuclear
power plants. If you backtrack, you'll
find the uranium and plutonium in nuclear reprocessing plants, and in refining
plants. You'll find uranium in the mills
and as far back as in the mines. Uranium
mines aren't guarded at all, so why not
steal enough pitchblende to refine out
the U-235?
In natural uranium, U-235 makes up
.7%. You want to refine the uranium to
93% U-235, and have about 35kg of it.
To do this with pitchblende, you'd have
to steal at least 250 000 kg of ore. A
better guess would be to take 500 000 kg
to account for error, inefficiency of your
equipment, etc. With the small-scale
refining operation that you would have
You could steal a
ready-made bomb
from the government,
but that just defeats
the spirit of the
to conduct, it would take eight years to
make enough fissionable material. Terrorists are not patient (Terrorist Rule
#2). They tend to think short-term.
Eight years is not on the agenda.
And just how inconspicous will a
convoy of dumptrucks carrying all this
ore be anyway?
We're left with stealing from a nuclear
facility - a power plant, a refining plant,
whatever. It can't be smuggled out-the
detectors can find as little as a gram of
uranium on you. Therefore, a full scale
assault is called for, involving dozens of
men with assault rifles and grenades.
What kind of plant should you attack?
A Candu is not a good idea. Candus use
natural grade uranium, and you would
need to steal the entire reactor core to
make refine out enough U-235. While
this could all be carried away on one
flatbed, a large tractor trailer sticks out
like a zit on your nose if you try and
sneak it past a roadblock. Perhaps you
could fool the police if you painted a no-
nukes sign on the hood. Tractor trailers
laden with 25 000 kg do not make ideal
getawy vehicles, unless you are going
As as a matter of fact, stealing uranium
from any reactor or enrichment plant
would involve a tractor trailer and large
volumes of the nuclear materials.
What's left? How about a breeder reactor-one that uses plutonium? The rods in
breeeder reactors, when fresh, are
enriched to 70% Pu-239. You would
have to steal considerably less material
from the core. A large pickup would be
able to carry it away. Don't forget to
steal neutron inhibitors, like water or
cadmium rods, to keep the plutonium in.
Without these poisons to capture neu
trons, the rods would heat up and melt
through the bed of the truck. The terror-
sist would look rather silly finding that
the plutonium had left a molten trail
along the highway all the way to his
Time is of essence here. You have to
break into the reactor, kill the guards, get
into the core, load the plutonium and
inhibitors, the get the heck out of there
before the wrath of every enforcement
agency in the state (yes, state- there are
no breeeder reactors in Canada) descends upon you. Give yourself less than
twenty minutes. In that time you have to
make a getaway.
Breaking into a reactor requires the
precision and discipline of a crack commando force. A band of terrorists shouting "Allah!" running higgledy piggledy
all over theplacejustwon'tcutiL Breaking into a reactor is right out
That leaves the interception of a shipment of materials between enrichment
plants and the nuclear power plants. At
first this sounds like the ideal line of
attack. Yet the truck carrying the materials is guarded with an elite troup of
comandos (remember my remarks earlier about higgledy piggledy fanatics?)
in constant radio contact with a remote
tracker.Also, the quantities delivered
per shipment, as well as time and route of
the shipments are all classified information. You won't find a schedule in the
pages of the Province
But let's leave the trivial problems of
inventory for now. Say that you get
enough uranium through an inheritance
or something. Now what? Obviously the
police will be staging the biggest man
hunt at this point for you, your uranium,
and your merry band of terrorists. Where
do you hide? Not your basement. Airborne surveillance will detect the plutonium right away, unless you encase it in
a tenth of a meter or so of lead. Your
basement would be too small anyway.
What you need is something out of the
way from people, yet large enough for
your refining operation and living quarters. An abandoned mine does the trick
nicely. In central BC there is an abandoned mine at Hedley BC, called Nickel
Plate. It's isolated enogh -at the top of a
high mountain - but at the same time it's
near enough town for regular inconspicous runs for food and other supplies.
That leaves you with a shipment of
stolen uranium at the bottom of a mine in
the interior of B .C. What do you do now?
Refine, of course! But you'll just have to
wait until the next issue of the 432 to lear
n how to do that.
Devan Fatiste's The Terrorist
Handbook was written with the
collaboradon of Aaron Drake*
who has lectnred on nuclear terrorism. Devan himself has tec*
tared as well as written extensive
material on nuclear terrorism w&
nuclear warfare. What a duo.
That's Trivial!
by Tanya Rose
Hi again! Halloween is creeping
up on us. Maybe we should do
something on monsters.
Good luck!
Theme: Halloween and Horror
1-10: Easy
1. Where does Linus go every
2. How many witches appeared
in Hamlet?
3. Who Killed Ichabod Crane?
4. What was Dr. Frankenstein's
first name?
5. What plants are werewolves
allergic to?
6. What is the world's only
palindromic monster?
7. Who first starred as Frankenstein?
9. Who wrote the horror epic,
The Pit and the Pendulum?
10. What is generally believed
to be the occupation of Jack the
11. What modern day sorcerer
was nicknamed The Beast?
12. What do Brits celebrate
instead of Halloween?
13. What Christian holiday
comes right after Halloween?
14. What sort of beast was
15. How many movies featured
16. Congenital porphyrra is
believed to be responsible for
what legendary monster?
17. What are Scotland's two
most famous monsters?
18. What is the name of the sea
monster allegedly residing in
Georgia Strait?
19. What year did Vancouver
celebrate Halloween on Oct 30?
20. What Celtic Holiday is
Halloween based upon?
Bonus Question:
A precursor to Halloween
tradition, Druids would leave
these vegetables on the doorsteps of certain people, on
certain Druidic holidays. What
vegetable is it and what was the
purpose of this vegetable?
answers on page 8
The 432
October 18,1789 Deep T h o u g h III
by Derek K. Miller
A few Sundays ago I went
with a couple of my friends to a
lecture by James Burke. If you
know who he is you watch PBS,
most likely, and you probably
have seen at least one episode of
his series Connections and The
Day the Universe Changed.
They are definitive examples in
documentary television, which
explain complex historical and
scientific ideas clearly and relate
them to one another in new and
different ways. Now, since The
Ubyssey already published an
article about Burke and his ideas,
I'd like to take a somewhat different tack. What is it that makes
this man so interesting?
This is not a trivial question.
The way Burke relates information has something to do with entertainment and a lot to do with
teaching - which is what this institution is about, after all. The
things he talks about in lectures
and on television - the invention
of the printing press, the reasons
for the great blackout of New
York in the 1960' s, how what we
know influences how we perceive the Universe, and dozens
of others - are not necessarily interesting; they have been addressed by other people with
amazingly boring results. I know
people who abhor history with a
passion, but will watch a Burke
show raptly.
Some of his effectiveness lies
in the fact that he is most often
seen on television on shows
where the budget allows him to
do things no teacher could do,
such as discussing the merits of
the Venetian trading empire
while in Venice, then stepping
off the screen to discuss how
they related to events in England
at the time - now talking from
Trafalgar Square. The visual
interest and editing games he
plays keep us interested despite
ourselves, just to see what he
does next. Nevertheless, if he
were, say, Ralph Nader, all of
this trickery would still result in
a less interesting program.
The fact is that James Burke is
a fundamentally interesting
speaker. I walked into the Or-
pheum and saw the simple podium placed onstage. I realized
that I was not about to see a live
episode of Connections. I feared
that without all the visual effects,
historical reconstructions, and
dramatic music, Burke would
turn out to be just another human
being. Well, he is, and that's a
good thing. He presented his
ideas on how information in it
self can generate change with
clarity and wit. Yes, it's true: he's
funny in real life too. He also
knows that people don't like
completely abstract ideas, and is
careful to use concrete examples
or analogies to clarify what he is
For example, when discussing
First World-Third World relations, rather than saying "We
shouldn't force irrelevant technology on people who don't need
it," he used a more specific example, along the lines of " What
we are saying to them is 'Of
course you need all this industry
and smokestacks and factories so
you can build...oh...name any
large iron object.' We say 'You
can have a supercharger!' They
say, 'For my bicycle?'" It gets the
point across.
Perhaps what you should get
out of this article (which must
seem like it's nothing but a way
for me to say how great James
Burke is) is that teaching, to be
good, needs to be not merely informative, but also entertaining
and relevant. Getting all three of
these elements together is difficult, which might explain why
there are not very many good
teachers around. Another reason
came to me when I was reading
the Burke biography that came in
the lecture program. This man,
who has become famous for explaining scientific history to
people, has a degree in English
Literature. He was not trained as
a scientist. In my opinion, scien
tific training, particularly the
specialized type we get at universities like this one, does not
teach us to teach others, or to
relate information to anyone not
in our close circle of colleagues.
One of the things that Burke
talked about was the overspe-
cialization of our society, and the
problems it will cause.
We are now beginning to realize just how important the inter-
connectedness of things is to us.
The environmental issues which
have arisen in the past year or
two depend on an understanding
of global systems, not biochemistry or politics or weather patterns individually. Those of us
graduating with BSc's at UBC
will, in many cases, know very
little about anything outside our
degree. Universities were originally created to produce well-
rounded, intelligent people.
Now, we may be intelligent, or at
least knowledgeable, but are we
well-rounded enough to deal
with the increasingly interconnected world around us? If not,
what do we do?
Think about it.
See the Computer Science Students* Society in room
203A of the Computer Science Building (naturally).
Member Non-Member
Full height    $7 $10
HalfMght    $5 $8
Physsoc Presents:
The Umpteenth
Oct 27. Hebb 12
F#o$ Re*
of course
"Learning teaches how to
carry things in suspense,
without prejudice, till you
Francis Bacon
Derek Miller edited the
432 last year - you should
drop by and have a look a
it. Because he was chiefly
reponsible for getting me
this cursed I mean wonderful position, I give him,
a cool box. Note the
bubbles. Derek doesn't
know it yet, but it is his
regular column - title and
all. Derek Miller, our
AMS rep, cannot spell
rhrepkelyt TteRptwagEEl
Practice safe sex again and
again and again and again
and again and again and
again and again and again
and again and again and
again and again and again
and again and again and
again and again and again
and again and again
October 18, 1789 ftton -roe ***** oe
Departmental Joke of the Week
Submitted by Dave New
for the Mathematics
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a
Zero - they're parallel.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a
mountain climber?
You can't - a mountain climber is a scaler.
Resume Tips, Part 1
People Not to List as
Character References.
1. Mom.
2. Dead People.
3. General Noriega.
Answers to THAT'S
TRIVIAL, from page 6
l.The pumpkin patch.
2. None.
3. The Headless Horseman.
4. Victor.
5. Belladonna and Wo-
6. Ogopogo.
7. Boris Karloff.
8. Dr. Jeckyl.
9. Edgar Allen Poe.
10. Surgeon.
11. Alistair Crowley.
12. Guy Fawkes Day.
13. All Saints Day.
14. Gorgon.
15. 25.
16. Werewolves.
17. Nessie, Morag.
18. Sea Hag.
19. 1971.
20. Samhain.
BQ. Pumpkins marked that
the resident of that house had
been chosen as the next
human sacrifice.
1-10:1 point
11-15:2 points
16-20: 3 points
>32 pts - Expert
24-31 pts - Know-it-all
14-23 - Joe Average
<13 pts Special
People to List as Char-
acer References
1. Mother Theresa.
2. God.
3. Mikhail Gorbachev.
Resume Tip
Part 2
-Do not list the Prison Farm as
work experience
BioSoc is proud to announce that MJm£
and ^ulieA, have
joined the Biosoc
executive as» respectively, the social
coordinator and sports
Any questions on what
the heck their lastnames
are? Phone 228-6046, or
find the hut at 2123 West
Mall, Watch for our
BZZR Garden. Oct 27i
AMS Student Environment
Oct 16-20
SUB Concourse
See what you can do!
Office Rm: SUB 63
!.*.   STEM   It CO0*/r'epW:**r   rtprorfuetiM   wittout
|     C~rr~lM witttt ytruwiw fro»tkt mUout,   Kan Ottar,   wilt rtsult in kit
I. J   i LIN     >>v  KenOtW-    ■**»>'■■"*•
Scientific waterbath, in reasonable
condition. In reasonable price range. 875-
4588,263-6255 evenings. David.
For Sale
Raleigh Campus Rampar 5-speed
women's bicycle. 16 inch frame. Completely functional. $50. Reply to Box 112,
this paper.
A damn good time! The 60's Hallowe'en
Costumepance, at the Arlington Cabaret,
1236 West Broadway, October 30,1989, 8
pm. Tickets $4 in advance (Chem 160 or
434-5092) or $5 at the door. Be there
or...well, just be there!
Help Wanted
Easy C-note to some smart kid that wants
to carry this box across town to Luigi. No,
you don't want to open the box. Contact
Mario, Box 106, this paper.
Drunk Telemarketers to phone wrong
numbers at three in the morning. Submit
resume, liver biopsy to Box 107, this paper.
Has anybody seen my turtle? Snuggles
ran away last weekend. I opened the door
and - fwoooosh - he was out like a streak.
Box 109 this paper.
My sanity, somewhere near Hennings. I'm
kidding. I never had it. Mwaaa hahahaha-
hahaaaa. Reply to "Any Engineer", Box
108, this paper.
My identity, somewhere near Hennings.
I'm kidding. I never had it. Reply to "Any
Engineer", Box 110, this paper.
PreMed Presents Medical Admissions, a
lecture by Dr. Carter, Oct 17. Contact the
Pre Med Society for more information.
A damn good time! See the "For Sale"
section. Come watch your AMS rep make
an idiot of himself on stage!
The 432
October 18,1789


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