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The 432 Nov 26, 2007

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 BY THE SCIENCE UNDERGRADUATE SOCIETY OF UBC
Fni going to try to see if I can
remember as much to make
it sound like I'm smart oj^he^^
subject ^ ^
- George W. Bush 7 7
November 26,2007
Volume 21    Issue 3
Facebook Foolishness: Alum?!
rj
Search
My Profile            edit
My Friends
My Photos
My Notes
My Groups
My Events
My Messages
My Account
My Privacy
facebook
My Priv-
News Feed and Mini-Feed Privacy
Back to Privacy Overview without saving changes.
Facebook will only publish stories about you on your
Mini-Feed and the News Feeds of your friends.
Publish stories when I...
-&?■  W Remove Profile Info
P  W Write a Wall Post
W Comment on a Note
[jx!  W Comment on a Photo
W Post on a Discussion Board
Facebook "Privacy":  Let's face it, as much as you want to protect yourself on facebook,
you aren't going to be. Save yourself some embarassment and get the darn words right!
The Strange and Savage Journey
Of a Science Undergradrauate
By Paul Duke
At first I thought it was a typo.
It must be, I muttered to myself, it's
called Buck a Beaker, some sadist just decided
to lay some ugly trip on us and wrote 2 Bucks.
There is absolutely no way the price of beer
has doubled in the last six months.
Or maybe it has, I'm not one to keep
an eye on the "markets." Sure, if I hear of a
slimy deal being conducted by some lecherous
old man in some back room in Washington I'd
get in on it. Money has no morals, and neither
do the 19 year olds you can buy with it, but if
the price of beer had sky rocketed over night
I was in serious trouble. My pocketbook was
nearly as empty as my fridge and the vertigo
that gripped me whenever I tried to listen to
the lecture I was sitting through was a testament to both the amount of beer I drink and
how empty my fridge is.
There wasn't much I could do about
the beer crisis right now though, it was 8:15
and I knew the nearest liquor store opened at
10:30. Well, no need to get all worked up, I
told myself, it's probably just some student society fatcat who's skimming a bit. Some unfortunate bastard who owes money to the wrong
people for placing the wrong bets. At any rate
the only way to find out for sure would be to
attend. Satisfied that a solution had been found
I settled down into my rum and a lecture long
■ 150 m'
200 ml
PYREX®
Beaker: It may look like an ordinary beaker, but it's not always used for chemicals
you know.
since forgotten.
The days pass, as they have a
habit of doing, and the price of beer
stayed at its normal inflated price
It wasn't going to affect me to
much right now anyways. I wasn't drinking beer any more. It was starting to become obvious to my prof's that I was
not only drinking in class, but drinking
heavily. I might be able to drink a can in
class if I sat at the back and tried not to
Continued on Page 2 »
I
Don't let the arts students
laugh at you any longer!
By Varun Ramraj
am the last person to suggest that I possess
fiery rhetoric or a large vocabulary. Rarely do
I catch myself using more than the prescribed two hundred different words per day, and when I do use a rarer word, it is usually a byproduct of happy coincidence
coupled with a conversation with a verbal sparring partner who DOES possess said mental dictionary or an eloquent tongue. I like to think that more people having such
verbal sparring matches increases the number of word alleles in the language pool, which would ideally be laterally transferred to more friends, family and innocent
bystanders (nothing tickles me further than loudly having an interesting conversation and hearing a bystander
chuckle).
There is however, an opposite effect that is ridiculously common. People use less words and less interesting sentences, and that, for some reason, is far more
contagious and trendy. I fail to understand why this is so,
but "why" is the subject for another column. This column seeks to point out one, yes, only one, very irritating phenomenon that is sweeping the world. Yes, you
might feel shortchanged since my introduction was de-
liciously breaded and leaning towards a tasty, meaty
article, but it is getting late and I feel the effects of military presses and far too many abdominal exercises. My
writing can therefore truly not be any more fiery than
the lactic acid burn I currently feel throughout most
of my body, and thus I will focus on this one use of
vocabulary that irks me more than the thousands of small
children who suddenly show up on campus as part of
some random field trip (what? They're always in my way.
Don't they have something more constructive to do than
constantly trying to mingle with the bigger kids?.
Without further ado, sign into your Facebook
(don't lie. I know you have one. Come on, I have one
too, and I try to stay away from being trendy). Look for
two or three of your friends who advertise themselves as
"Alumni" (singular: "Alum" or "Alumnus") of the institution they are currently attending. Now, without further
ado, find them and slap them.
Alum: a person who has received a degree from
a school (high school or college or university) [syn:
{alumnus}, {alumna}, {graduate}, {grad}].
Key words in that definition are "has" and "received." If you or someone you know "has" "received" a
degree, then you are officially an "Alumnus" of the place
where you were institutionalized for the past four years
(for that is what it truly feels like for some). If you have
not graduated yet, get rid of "Alum," youself-serving * insert inappropriate word of choice here*. Too many times
on Facebook, I find people who are advertised as "UBC
Alum '09." When these instances occur, I skip the chuckling and proceed straight to blowing a gasket at the absurdity of that statement.
Moral: if you have a Facebook account, are reading this and have advertised yourself as an "Alum" before
graduation, please add this keyword to your vocabulary
and change your designation so you can voluntarily refrain from looking stupid! THE432
Nov. 26.2007
Continued from Page 1 »
disturb anyone, but cracking open an icy cold
three or four times a class will get you dirty
looks. I learned some valuable things in that
class, like the fact that you're not allowed to
shotgun a beer in the back of a class, even if
you say it's your birthday.
At any rate the solution was obviously
for me to turn to the hard stuff. At first, I would
just use it to spice up my coffee, but now I
was only adding enough coffee to cover the
smell, and judging by the looks I get I'm probably not even adding that much.
So by the time the beaker-beer happened I was already feeling fairly reactive, to
use the native lingo.
And it was important that I use the native lingo, I needed to blend in, if I let my guard
down these jackals will smell me out. Once that
happened things would start to get ugly, and fast.
By the time 5pm rolled round I needed my celebratory end-of-the-day-drink but quickly came
to the scary realization that I was out of booze.
There was now no longer any time to spare, if I
wanted beer I was going to have to work for
it, it wasn't just going to find it's own way into
my liver. But I also realized that the task before me was more than just getting myself a
beer, this was about plunging head-on into all
parts of the UBC student life, not just the day-
in day-out academic hogwash. This was about
cutting straight to the fetid swollen underbelly
of life as a student. A quest for the university
dream of cheap beer, easy women and mandatory STD testing. This was the start of an
adventure only for those with true grit. And I
was chock full of that. I staggered up to the
entrance, paid the jackals for admission and a
beaker and they turned me loose inside.
If you've been to a buck-a-beaker you
knowwhathappensnext.Ifyou'veneverhadthe
experience it's almost impossible to describe. A
cross between a raging night at the bar with
some friends and a chem lab without supervision. Some sort of hybrid beast where anything goes and usually does. It is an orderless
chaos with the big, strong and dumb pushing the small, timid and meek out of the way
to get to the front of the beer line. Made up
mostly of chem grads and undergrads with just
enough riff-raff around to provide the madcap atmosphere that ensures no one leaves
until the cops arrive to break up the party before the air turns sour and the chemists start
fighting in the streets. It would be impossible to tell that the drunkards hanging out
of windows and climbing up trees are actually
educated but for their lab coats and the crunch
of broken beaker glass under your feet. And
even then you almost refuse to believe that the
person pulling off a keg stand in the back actually has a degree in something other than getting drunk in style.
I wasn't there to just get drunk and convince chemists to let me make some... profitable. .. compounds in their labs. I was there on a
mission and I knew I had to get to the heart
of the story. I figured if I could just pull a decent story out of this mess I might be able to
get the paper to cover the bill for my booze,
which would be twice what it normally was
because the price had doubled. Apparently
The Man had stepped in again. Alcohol, being the drug of choice of today's university
students (with performance enhancing uppers
and smokable downers following close behind) was under scrutiny from the RCMP. Apparently the buck-a-beaker was going further
than providing students relief from the grueling mid-term study-fest, it was whipping them
up into a veritable frenzy of drunken violence,
crazy stunts and mindless sex. It was getting
so bad that the cops were being forced to triple
their strength in preparation for the event and
were even going so far as to post silent (and
possibly mindless) drones outside the event to
ensure that some sort of crazed drug infused
uprising didn't sweep across campus and overthrow the traditional order of things on campus.
Instead of dealing with the issues that push this
university's students to search for answers in
the bottom of a bottle they decided to double
the price of beer in an attempt to limit the consumption of the fiery brews.
This, of course, solved no problems and
merely created new ones for the already poverty-stricken students. By the time the end of the
month rolls round these students will be struggling to make ends meet and looking to the seedy
underworld for a way to make some coin on the
side. Some ofthese students will be forced to sell
drugs on the street corner while others will be
forced to sell their bodies to the highest bidder
simply to ensure that they have somewhere dry
to write their master thesis. The unlucky ones
will be forced into menial labour at some deep-
fried fast-food joint for less than they'd make
sewing shoes together for Nike.
Of course, in the long run the only thing
that truly matters is the enjoyment of drinking
beer out of a beaker. And really, you can't put
a price on that.
Can you write something remotely funny? Can you draw up a storm? Or do you
simply want to see your name, big and important, in print?
E-mail the432@gmail.com for more information!
Volume 21
Issue 3
November 26,2007
CHIEF CONSPIRATOR
Allison Vaz
ASSISTANT CONSPIRATOR
Casey Chan
EVIL DOERS
Varun Ramraj
Paul Duke
Craig Mew/is
SUS Council
POISON PEN
Horizon Publications
LEGAL INFORMATION
The 432 is a publication of the Science Undergraduate Society of UBC. We are not responsible for misuse of this paper: including
but not limited to usage as instruments of arson, assault, armed robbery, impaired driving,
rape, murder, fraud and gross indecency. This
issue is made from IOO% recyclable materials.
All views expressed in this issue are strictly those of the individual writers, and as
such are not the responsibility of The 432.
The Science Undergraduate Society, or
the Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit their
material to The 432. Submission must
meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle thrice and must contain the
author's name and contact information.
Hit us up at: the432@gmail.com Vol.21 Issue 3
THE432
Your Science Undergraduate Society Presents:
Alchemy-thepartyoftheCentury
ADVANCETICKETSS10
FOR TICKETS CALL LAWRENCE AT 604-825-
DIONNE AT 604-339-0903 OR AT LADHA CENTRE.
MNB
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from Surge Productions
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CErHRE     ,
eap Drinks, Sweet Mixes, Our Hottest Party Ye
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^^^^■fci-LT AAV   ^^^
REIMBURSEMENT FORTHE FIRST 5 CC
When: Friday, November 26 2007 9pm-lam
Where: Abdul Ladha Science Student Center
*Valid one per person only. This is a reimbursement coupon - a ticket still needs to be
bought prior to the event. The Science Undergraduate Society reserves all rights to refute/
refuse the use of this coupon at any time without prior notice
Brought to you
kiikti
i
i
WHY ALCHEMY?
IT l$ The party of the Century!
You've seen countless bzzr gardens and
dances thrown in the Abdul Ladha Science Center, but you've never seen a night
like this. Your Science Undergraduate Society proudly presents Alchemy - the party
of the century. We promise you the biggest, hottest party on campus with cheap
drink specials, two crazy bars, a huge dance
floor, hot servers, and DJ Swick rocking the
house. What are you doing on the last day of
classes? Come check out Alchemy and let us
show you how science parties! THE 432
Nov. 26.2007
City Worries Over Increase
In Migrant Prostitute Population
By: Craig Mewis
Mayor Sam "I don't give a damn'"
Sullivan appeared worried in front of reporters yesterday and it wasn't just because   he   was   having   a   bad   hair   day.
He was expressing concern over
the recent influx of prostitutes from
south of the border. He cited the recent drop
in value of the US dollar as one reason for the
increase.
"With the currencies trading the way
are today it's no wonder they are coming
up. They're getting more buck for their bang
here."
Indeed, with the recent economic slip
it's now 25% more profitable to suck dick in
Vancouver than in Seattle. And it's not just the
blowjobs that are pulling in more cash. Veteran
prostitute Amy "Analgeddon" Anderson says
she pulls in almost twice as much as she used
to in Portland.
"It's so totally great up here." She testified. "I make so much more money now I not
only have enough for the basics but also for
some extras for myself, like brand name lube
and a 14" Alabama blacksnake dildo."
Meanwhile, local prostitutes are up in
arms about the new arrivals from below. Local prostitute activist group, Women Helping
Ourselves Receive Equal Standards, believes
more restrictions should be placed on the migrants.
The Battle of the Two Dollars: With the Canadian dollar dropping the jaws of people around the
world, people are turning their heads to serve Canadians.
"They can't just come up here and
start taking our blo-errrr-jobs," WHORES
Spokesperson Lottie Head stated. "Some of
our members have been pounding the streets
for years, day after day, mile after hard mile.
These young things need to learn a thing or
two about seniority. Look, every other industry
uses protection against this sort of thing, why
shouldn't we be able to?" She says WHORES
members have been working hard around the
clock to petition the government for support
to no avail, and have thus been forced to appeal to the public for their support. "We're
practically on our knees here."
However, there are many members     of    the     public     who     disagree.
"Bottom line is it costs me less to get
my fuck on, that leaves me mo' money fo'
hookers and blow. Well, I guess just blow,"
streetwalker Cletus E. Gooch said. "Them
new girls ain't have any idea who I is, they
think I'se rich."
While the established protitutical order
is being upset the local consumer is definitely
the winner as prices are being slashed while
supply is reaching an all time high. Which is
win-win in this reporters books.
•
IP
,The best thing you can do
today is to read and then
trust this. Do yourself a favour, trust me and trust what
has been said here.
You should be glad that you
picked up a copy of the 432
today - it may be a great
stress reliever for you, or
not...
Taurus
Go check out Aries. Seriously, don't ask questions
and just do it (just like all
the other horoscopes).
Cancer
This day and week may be
a complete waste of your
time. When you face your
finals, however, you may
think otherwise.
9
Don't be emo. School is almost over. Listen to random
strangers today at random
places - it may be rewarding.
irflo
Don't be afraid to run away
from your problems. Sure,
they'd catch up eventually
but at least you got some
extra to BS something.
Libra
You are usually quite patient with things, but not
with things predicting your
future - it doesn't seem to
tell you anything at all.
Tiff
Sagittarius
You and sports usually
do not come together, but
you may finally realize
that your date's head looks
similar to a basketball.
Cajyrjcorn
You probably do not believe a single word on this
columnn anyways, but at
least we wasted your time.
Aquarius
$>
Ssorjrio
Contrary to popular belief,
you realize today that avoiding problems is the best tactic. Running into problems
may hurt.
You may be sleep deprived lately but wake up
- even biology finals are
not asexual. It does not do
itself.
Pisces
Looking for your horoscope? Too bad, we ran
out of ideas. Join the 432
and help us out!
Credits to http://www.megasoft2000.com for images Vol.21 Issue 3
THE432
Al Gore & IPCC: Not so Noble After All
Global Warming and Greenhouse Gases: Seriously, this sight may look intimidating, but it just
might not be as bad as it it looks after all...
By: Craig Mewis
In a surprise announcement made earlier
this week the Nobel Prize committee has decided
to withdraw Nobel Peace Prize that was awarded
earlier this year to Al Gore and the IPCC. Committee chair Ying Tom Chan, reading prepared
comments, stated that "we have made a serious
mistake. The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded
erroneously to Al Gore and the IPCC." Claiming that their judgement was impaired by "a few
too many hits of acid" the prize was reclaimed
by the committee on Monday. The reasons for
withdrawing the prize were laid out in meticulous detail by Chan. Among the reasons listed
are the fact that Global Warming is hardly an
issue of world peace and the realisation that Al
Gore's intelligence level is "somewhere between
that of a retarded chipmunk and Britney Spears,
in fact, we need to introduce a decimal system
for the IQ scale for it to indicate any IQ at all.
"We were all so mesmerized by the big
bucks Hollywood presentation that we forgot that
he wasn't saying anything relevant to the world
at large," Chan confessed. "We didn't believe
him when he claimed to have created the internet, I'm not too sure why we chose to believe
him now." Referring of course to the infamous
Wolf Blitzer interview in 1999 during which,
then presidential candidate, Al Gore stated "I
took the initiative in creating the Internet."
While Chan acknowledged that it is important to realise that human induced climate
change may, in fact, be happening, he did concede that there are more important issues facing
humanity today such as whether or not an Arts
degree has any actual value outside of using it as
really expensive toilet paper.
Indeed, if climate change is a reality it
is likely still not the biggest threat facing the
planet today. "There are far more important
things to worry about in this modern world than
some sort of global warming. Heck, I don't even
see what the big deal is.
^ m There are far more
important things to worry
about in this modern world
than...global warming.
-Chan
9
All I know is that my marijuana crop in
my backyard has never been better and in a few
years I'll be able to surf at Tofino without a wet-
suit. It looks win-win from my viewpoint."
In fact, in a startling turn of events the
prize was awarded Joe T Schmoe, the lead engineer at General Motors who pioneered the
development of a new engine that runs entirely
on child tears and brown paper packages tied up
in string and emits twice as much greenhouse
gas per kilometer as an Ml Abrams tank. More
research is currently being conducted to determine if any more 'favorite things' can power
this engine.
"If everyone drove one of these every-
Tired of Sudoku? Try a Magic Square
So you are a math nerd.
You figured out the
best way to figure out Sudoku and have been sick
and tired of squares ever
since. Now here's something new! Try to fill in
this square using the numbers 1-9 so that each row,
column and diagonal add
up to the same sum! Each
number can only be used
ONCE!
Hint: They add up to 15!
Answer on page 7.
M
day my cabin in Alaska will be a major surf touring destination by the end of the decade. And really, why should I care that a few island-nations
whose names I can't even pronounce will disappear? It's not like I own property there."
When asked about the possibility that
this kind of climate change could cause mass extinction of most, if not all, of the species on the
planet Chan was unfazed. "I'm part cockroach,
my parents survived the fallout of Chernobyl
at ground zero so I'm pretty sure a bit of warm
weather won't bother me one bit."
Environmentalists, climatologists and
other unclean hippies world-wide were disappointed with the decision. Harvard Enviro-Ethics
chairman Moonunit Stardust managed to awaken
from his drug induced stupor to state that "It's,
like, just not right, ya know? I mean, these poor
creatures and stuff have been here, like, longer
than us man. It's wrong for us to think that we
can, like, kinda ruin everything. This is very un-
dude."
Intelligent people did not return calls by
presstime.
A   LAME SCIENCE JOKE
By: Nobody in Particular
. E
* WARNING* If you don't like lame jokes,
this is not for you.
Face it, it may be lame, it may not really
be funny, but hey, we love it. When a professor tells a joke in one of those boring lectures
to lighten up the mood, we always appreciate
it. This is why we are in all Science! I know
that we all love science, from Physics to Biology
to Computer Science...the list goes on and on.
They are all equally great in their own respective
ways. But, out of every single science...
WHICH  SCIENCE IS
THE BEST TO TRY?
ANSWER:
CHEMISTRY!  Vol.21   Issue 3
THE432
Team Delta Force
By: SUS Sports Committee
Swish: Take out your calculators engineers,
maybe it'd be easier to do on paper.
he can't get a ball into the hoop. You'd think
with Michael Jordan, another team member,
they'd be able to make a few of these hoops,
but is clearly retired for a reason. You would
also think that they would volley and score a
few goals, but they failed to do so and lost.
They never even made a first down.
Captain Daaron's inability to lead the
team to victory has trade roomers circulating
with team I'd Hit That, but as we know captain Daaron can't hit anything at all because
has been held in the penalty box during most
Have you ever seen Team Delta Force
bump, set, and spike? Well, they're no force at
all. To be represented by such a group of "athletes," makes a mockery of all science teams.
The game teed off on November 18th against
"Team Asia" and the team lost; it was a loss
that resounded through War Memorial Gym,
over the grassy knoll, and into the Abdul La-
hda Science Centre.
The team is stinted by their worst
player: an engineer. You would think engineers would be good at sports, as they involve
physics. Yet he doesn't seem to understand
the simple concept of projectile motion as
of the games.
The second in command, Cameron,
by far the clumsiest player, can be seen on
his face for half the game. Another player, so
ominously know as the Salamander is clearly
a fish out of water, maybe it's not so bad that
he's endangered. Drew Carry is quite the comedian, he is clearly the team clown.
Like loyal Cannucks fans we shall hide
our face in shame until next season, hoping
they will impress us, but knowing they won't.
SORRY!  WE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO
EFFECTIVELY USE THIS SPACE!
HELP US OUT BY
E-MAILING        SUGGESTIONS
THE432®GMAIL.COM
TO:
Magic Square Solution!
A
So let me guess. You
gave up and just want
to see the answer. What
a cheater. It's okay, but
believe it or not, you don't
need to use the high school
guess and check method
to do magic squares! All
you have to know is that
the middle number (5 in
this case) is almost always
in the middle. Then, you
just have to work around
it with a calculator and
some patience! It's not as
hard as it looks!
Note: There may be more
than one answer.
M
2
9
4
7
5
3
6
1
8
2007 - 2008
President:
Mike Duncan
E-mail: prez.sus@gmail.com
Vice-President External:
Jamil Rhajiak
E-mail: vpx.sus@gmail.com
Vice-President Internal:
Jimmy Yan
E-mail: vpi.sus@gmail.com
Director of Administration:
Alex Lougheed
E-mail: administration.sus@gmail.com
Director of Finance:
Lois Chan
E-mail: finance.sus@gmail.com
Director of Publications:
Allison Vaz
E-mail: publications.sus@gmail.com
Public Relations Off icier:
Meghan Ho
E-mail: pro.sus@gmail.com
Director of Sports:
Sonia Purewal
E-mail: sports.sus@gmail.com
Social Coordinator:
Lawrence Chow
E-mail: social.sus@gmail.com
Building Manager
Kristen Ford
E-mail: bmanager.sus@gmail.com
Building Supervisor:
James Zhou
E-mail: bsupervisor.sus@gmail.com
Rooms Manager:
Jingyao Yu
E-mail: room.sus@gmail.com
Sales Manager:
Elissa Aeng
E-mail: sales.sus@gmail.com
Webmaster:
Carson Lam
E-mail: webmaster.sus@gmail.com
ALONG WITH
YOUR SUS COUNCIL! 

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