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The 432 Mar 22, 2000

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Array VOLUME THIRTEEN ISSUE TWELVE
22 MARCH 2000
In this issue:
Election Results!
Rex's Demise?
Caffinate
and so much more...
'Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.'
-Plato
AMS Loses Most Favoured Nation
Status with America
'But how will we live without cheap GAP clothing?" -Maryann Adamec, AMS President
Washington, REUTERS
The American House of Representatives
has handed down surprise legislation
that has stripped the Alma Mater Society of UBC of its Most Favour Nations status
with the United States of America. Citing
irreconcilable differences with the AMS's
policies, the House has imposed immediate
sanctions. The sanctions include a complete
ban on American-made textiles, including all
Gap, LL Bean, Nike, Abercrombie and Fitch
and FUBU; American cable tv and all American-made pornography. "Only with these measures can we drive the inhabitants of the AMS
into complete and total surrender," said
George W. Bush, American presidential candidate. "They have allowed such deviant
ideals as a tuition freeze and rampant socialism
to warp their sense of capitalism that is the
only way to mold the future of tomorrow. We
must destroy them in order to save them"
The recently implemented AMS health and
dental plan is one of the main programs that
the Americans are protesting. "This is a flagrant violation of everything Americans hold
dear," said John McCain, failed Republican
Presidential candidate. "If an American wants
health care, they can pay full market value.
When our tender young American students
hear of this twisted Canadian Communist plot,
they may get ideas that this kind of behavior is
acceptable in our God-fearing, flag-waving
nation."
"Don't get me started about those AMS heathens," said Barry Jones, leader of the Christian Coalition, widely regarded as the most
powerful lobbying group in the United States.
"We've been trying to get this corrupt Administration to crack down on UBC for years.
Look at the GAP fiasco. Look at the absence
of crackdowns on non-Christian religions.
Look at the lack of school prayer. It's obvious to me that UBC is a second Gomorrah.
My first choice, of course, would have been a
hail of sulphur and burning ash, but I guess
trade sanctions will have to do."
UBC has been thrown into turmoil by the cessation of trade with the US. The complete
lack of pornography on campus has brought
residence and fraternity activity to a screeching halt. "What are we going to do without our
porn?" asked a resident of Vanier. "We might
actually have to talk to real women, and that
can only lead to the sinful vice of fornication."
Most female residents were also unimpressed.
"Do you understand what this means? We'll
have those socially inept geeks out in the halls,
peeking in our showers and our windows,"
Is it a purple -fancied Lieard?
Ivit-a Giant sat eating, twe
gMPiKE State Boicding?
Js it 6fln?
\T MI6HT be..
Pictionary on acid
said Carrie Hammond, floor advisor, in disgust. "I can tell you that the AMS must get its
act together before I personally castrate every
male in this building."
Several other AMS institutions are also suffering under the trade restrictions. "Without
access to American movies, our ticket sales
will vanish," complained Mark McRae, programming director for Filmsoc. "We'll be
forced to show nothing but crappy foreign
films. Sure, the odd Arts student will be interested, but they never have enough money. The
fact is that nobody in their right mind is going
to shell out three bucks for a movie that doesn't have American stars, American violence,
and American titties."
The Gallery and the Pit are also feeling the
pinch. "For the last five years, we've been
relabeling Budweiser and selling it as funky
microbrew for three times the price,"
explained Susan Laguerre, bar manager. "A
little bit of food colouring, a pinch of baking
soda, and you can make a dark ale that's pretty convincing, as long as the customer's drunk
enough. But with this damn embargo, we
can't get our hands on good cheap Yankee
beer. Soon, we'll have to sell the real stuff,
and there's no profit in that! This is off the
record, right?"
Ironically enough, many American businesses
are protesting the new restrictions. "UBC represents a large and important market for us,"
explained Robert Gallard, CEO of Coca-Cola.
"As you know, we have an exclusive beverage
deal with your Alma Mater Society. Unfortunately, we are now forbidden to deliver our
product to our property, er, I mean, your students. This could not come at a worse time.
We were only weeks away from introducing
our new line of beverages enhanced with synthetic diamorphine. We had high hopes for
'Smack Cola.' Now that project has to be put
on hold. The good news is that I still have
those incriminating photos of Jesse Helms with
those Portuguese nuns. Hopefully, the US
Senate will quash this idiocy."
Reaction on the rest of campus was mixed.
Most comp sci students were dismayed that
their chances at a plush American job had been
nullified. Local Vancouver computer companies have taken advantage of the sanctions by
lowering their salaries and benefits by half.
AMS Vice President of Administration Mark
Fraser could not be reached for comment, but
AMS General Manager Bernie Peets was
quoted as saying, "Bang! Zoom! Straight to
the moon!"
CIA Plot has UBC
Campus "Filmed"
Point Grey, CP
George G. Tenet, head of the CIA,
revealed early Monday that the CIA
has been secretly monitoring the UBC
campus for five years in the guise of local film
crews. Citing the 'often dangerous exposure to
ideas' that students experience every day, he
justified the practice, code named Operation
Candid Camera, as necessary to the safety of
the American public. "UBC is in a very delicate location. So close to the heart of a major
Pacific Rim city, students are ripe for the pickings for any major terrorist operation with
access to a plane. Our government had no
choice but to act."
Tenet dismissed the concerns over the massive violation of personal privacy. "Student
information is available to anyone with a computer and a 28.8 modem. You don't think they
have the cameras in the Coke™ machines for
market research, do you?" He then proceeded
to demonstrate by accessing a random student,
Daniel Joseph Anderson. The subject is a first
year Science. student,  identification number
51248997 registered in 30.0 credits, living at
2897 Arbutus avenue in Vancouver with his
parents and 4 sisters. He drinks 4.45 Cokes
per week, favors Spam over Spork, is a member of the UBC Cheerleading squad, and
prefers brunettes to blondes. The total time
required to hack into the UBC SIS was 3.23
minutes.
The use of the film industry in Vancouver as
a front for the operation was explained as 'necessary'. "If a student sees a black van with a
camera inside, they tend to run, and it just gets
messy. With the fake films, the kids are so
busy trying to get on camera they never notice
the men in black. Come on, have you ever
seen, on air, a movie filmed at UBC?"
Tenet finished the press conference by lauding CSIS, the Canadian spy agency. "If you
graduate from any Canadian University with a
Physics undergraduate degree, CSIS opens a
file because you are one of the ones who
knows how to make an atomic bomb. Working
together, there is no place in the world that
those pencil necked geeks can hide." PAGE TWO
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22 MARCH 2000
Volume Thirteen
Issue Twelve
22 March 2000
Editor
Bree Baxter
bmonique@interchange. ubc. ca
Assistant Editor
Jay Garcia
jgarcia@interchange. ubc. ca
Andrew Tinka
tinka@interchange. ubc. ca
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Contributors
Bree Baxter
Timothy Chan
Keri Gammon
Jay Garcia
Jake McKinlay
Trevor Presley
Reka Sztopa
Andrew Tinka
Legal Information
The 432 is published on rare occasion from the basement of the
Chemistry Building. The 432 is the
official constitutionally protected
publication of the Science Undergraduate Society and science students in general.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists from every faculty are
encouraged to submit their material to The 432. Submissions must
meet the strict requirements of
making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
All election results herein are
strictly factual, and are in no way to
be confused with the election found
therein.
Video killed the radio star. It's in
my mind and in my car. It's gone
too far.
All written complaints should be
addressed to the 432, c/o the Dean
of Science office. All email should
be directed towards the editor. All
verbal bitching should be deposited
in the SUS lounge, even if the fire
alarm is ringing. It's probably a
false alarm. I mean, even if Chem
Stores is located right next door, it's
not that bad. The wall is made of
concrete and asbestos, so the only
real damage will be to your lungs.
Stop yer whining and get up off
your ass to do something. Now.
We'll respect you in the morning.
Andrew Tinka
Two Zone Bus Pass
God, I hate buses. My life would be so
much better if I only had a car. Oh,
wait. Something's coming back to me.
A memory is forcing itself upon me... screaming... screeching tires... the smell of blood
mixed with motor oil... oh yeah, I remember
now. There's a reason I don't have a car. It's
because I'm the worst driver in the world. I
blame it on computer games.
I suppose that my poor sense of coordination,
complete lack of depth perception, and chronic narcolepsy have something to do with it as
well. Nevertheless, computer games are to
blame. In first year, being a successfully
assimilated Totem resident, I had no need for
a car. So for eight months, I didn't drive once.
I did, however, play an extraordinary amount
of a great computer game called Demolition
Derby 2000, which is all about running over
pedestrians and the like. I was good at that
game. Very, very, good. At the end of the
year, I found my driving reflexes had been...
altered. The rest, as they say, is history. Or,
to be a little more specific, my parent's Jetta,
a gaggle of innocent bystanders, the Sunny ville Special Education Bus, its passengers,
and my driver's license, are history. Ahh,
memories.
Das Boot!
So, I take the bus. I was standing at the bus
stop the other day when this surly teenager
walked up to me. Cool, I thought, maybe he's
going to try to mug me. He opened his
mouth...
"Excuse me, sir," he started..
Hmm. That wasn't what I was expecting.
"...but are you old enough to boot?"
WHAT? You want me to do WHAT? (For
those of you who aren't up with the hip lingo
of today's youth, "to boot" means "to buy
intoxicants for underage alcoholics who are
too stupid to get fake ID.")
OK, let's examine the depths of this child's
insulting behavior. First off, there's the whole
issue of me booting for him. Come on. That
would be work. He should be working for me.
For less than minimum wage. Not the other
way around.
Second of all, there's that little word "sir."
You and I both know that to a teenage boy,
"sir" is synonymous with "old idiot who's
keeping me down with his authoritarian bullshit." I will revel in being called "sir" when
I'm forty, when I will really be an old idiot
keeping youth down with my authoritarian
bullshit. Now, it just makes me check for grey
hairs.
Third, and worst, he ASKED ME IF I WAS
OLD ENOUGH. I usually have to hold myself
back from punching out bouncers who card
me. And they're bigger than me. This kid, as
scary as it sounds, was actually scrawnier than
me. Any thinner, he'd have negative mass and
we'd get an antigravity drive simply by duct
taping him to the bottom of the spaceship.
Well, I held my impulsive violence in check,
and considered the little guy's request. To boot
or not to boot? After two seconds, I realized
that the correct answer was "boot!" After all,
there was a small but non-zero chance that he
would actually be able to hurt himself with one
litre of Mike's Hard Lemonade. He could
choke on his own vomit, or hit his head, or
pick a fight with Bruiser the football team captain, or make a pass at Bruiser's girlfriend (or
vice versa), or any of the other perils of inebriation. And quite frankly, any of those outcomes would be acceptable to me. At the very
least, I would have contributed in a small way
to his corruption and eventual downfall. It's
the little things that make the difference.
And was the little bastard grateful? Not on
your life. He just snarled something and slunk
off into the darkness to nurse his bottle in the
alley somewhere. I'm telling you, the world
would be a better place without teenage boys.
L. Ron Hubbard and Robert Heinlien were
sitting around one night, and wondering
which would be the faster way to make a million dollars. Write books or found a religion?
I think that Hubbard wins. And why was it
only these tow? Because Asimov wouldn't go
along with it.
-ed.
Holy Acronym, Batman!
Bree Baxter
Mint since 7907
Normally, this issue would be the last
for this year's editor, and the new editor would be eagerly awaiting the
jump into the reign of terror for the next issue.
But, through some quirky turn of fate, the edi-
. tor for next year is, you guessed it, yours
truly. Damn. Well, enough of me and my sad,
sad fate. Let us examine the world as we know
it, because I feel fine.
SUS Elections
The election results are in (sort of) and there
you go.If you're a number freak, you can look
at the last page to figure out who is what. If
you are an individual to whom numbers mean
little (like a performance artist, or the BC
NDP ferries ministry) then I can tell you this:
It's all good. Your new ant masters are similar
to your old ant masters. Let's just hope we can
avoid the 60% mid-year turnover.
My mommy
As I age, I come to realize that my mommy is
pretty neat-o. We had lunch today and I am
starting to think I get my stunning wit from
her. She's good. And the fact that she cleans
my house whenever she comes to visit isn't a
detriment either.When I'm a mommy (which
will be a long time away, seeing as how I have
neither financial security, emotional maturity
or sex on a regular basis), I wanna be like her.
The Surrey School Board.
It's everybody's favorite whipping boy!
Guess what Surrey is doing now? First, the
Mayor decided that he wants to form his own
police force, his own transit system and his
own  red-carpet  escort.   Then,   the  School
Board, in a decision that exemplifies their
free-thinking ways, is vehemently opposed to
even the thought of gay-straight support clubs
in high schools. So... while there are clubs in
schools dedicated to the elimination of racism
and bullying, no such thing for those students
who are homosexual? Oh, I forgot. There are
no gay students in Surrey Schools. Of course.
Just like there is no need for tolerance and
respect in the real world.
Why is there no word to describe the elimination of racism? We should coin one.
Fire Alarms
Jay and I were lounging around in the SUS
lounge (a very appropriate place to lounge)
when what was to occur? Ring-a-ling. It was
the fire alarm. So, we go outside and wait, just
in case there is a real alarm somewhere. We
suspected that the alarm was going off because
of the burning microwave popcorn, but you
can never be too sure.   -
Anyway, the fire department came along after
a disturbingly long wait, and we accompanied
them downstairs. They checked out the room,
made sure that the place was really, really not
on fire, then left to try to turn off the alarm.
Remember, the bell is still going off. Who
walks in but the pizza guy? Any person who
will walk into a (hypofhetically) burning building to deliver a $30 pizza order deserves the
monster tip. That's dedication.
A long time ago...
While we lounged and shivered outside, Jay
told me a story. Once, long ago, in a land far
far under the ground (SUS), some hacks were
hanging out in the SUS lounge. Out of the
blue, a man in full Haz-Mat gear walked into
the room. He jumped back in horror and
yelled, "Why are you still in here?" The
room, confused as ever, replied that class did
n't start for a while. It turned out that there
was a hazardous material spill out back at the
loading dock, and the chemical was so dangerous that they couldn't even turn on the fire
alarm because the spark from the striker hitting the metal may have ignited the chemical.
Cool.
Our humor
Does the 432 humor sometimes confuse you?
Not quite sure why everybody else is laughing? Drop by the office, and we can set you up
with the official 432 'Humor for Dummies!'
guide. Test the preliminary guide at
w w w. theonion. com, then head over to
www.sluggy.com. Wah-hoo!
There will be a test.
Next Year
What lies in store for next year? For one,
Jake McKinlay has promised me a brand
spanking new cartoon (not Rex Morgann). I
have a whole horde of new writers lined up,
and the executive for next year will write, each
and every week, a long report of what they
have done for you, Joe Average Science student. It's accountability, baby!
Famine, plague, and Death shall come, riding
a pale horse! And his name is Binky.
The Dead Pool will be back, as will the Hockey Pool, a Mr. Turtle Pool, and a pool table.
Random line here.
And I will wrap it up here. From all of us to
all of you, we wish you a happy new year, a
full wallet and much meaningless sex.
Apparently, I'm on Smack.
Love you all, andEil talk to you later.
AjdL
u
»T
. You want Coffee? I mean, really want coffee?
Come into the SUS office (Chem B160) and pick up as
much coffee as you can hold without burning yourself.
We'll also toss in sugar at no extra cost! 504. That's all
we ask. All money goes towards the Vancouver Food
Bank, to feed those poor starving children.
Don't use a big
word when a
diminuitive one
will suffice.
- Webster. 22 MARCH 2000
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE THREE
3 Reasons Why Men Don't Get Pregnant
Trevor Presley
End of His Leash
I am thinking about getting a pet. Rocks just
don't do it for me anymore. I am currently deciding whether to get a dog or a cat.
They both have their pros and cons:
Dogs
Dogs are always a favorite when it comes to
pets. They are loyal, cute and attack door-to-
door salesmen on command. Dogs are almost
too loyal. You can throw a tennis ball into a
lava flow and your dog Buster will jump right
in after it without any concern for his health or
well-being. You can count on Buster's toasted
skeleton being spit out the other end of the
Lava tube with the tennis ball firmly grasped
between his teeth. Then the SPCA would beat
the crap out of you. Back home on the farm, I
tend to abuse the loyalty of my dog Micah. I
go on long runs through the forest with Micah
in tow, not because I enjoy her company, but
just in case we run across a bear. Should a
black bear meander onto the path, I would
release Micah to attack while I ran the other
way. Although my dog would surely go to
doggy heaven, her act would save me going
from highly skilled worker to bear shit. To
honor Micah's memory, I would ensure that
the Province devoted their front page to the
story. The headline would read, " Heroic dog
saves cowardly UBC student." I would be
reincarnated as a fire hydrant.
Dogs can also be used as chick magnets. A lot
of guys rely on their good looks, natural
charm or athletic ability to meet women; the
rest of us have to buy cute animals. Meeting
women is the only reason single guys buy puppies. We take them on long walks on the beach
in the hope that throngs of beautiful women
will swarm our puppy saying things like, "Ohh
he's so cute," and "You're a good doggy
aren't you?" This allows us to use clever pickup lines like, "If you give me your phone
number, I'll make sure he calls you, and
"Why don't you come over to my place and
the three of us can take a flea bath together?"
In my opinion, single guys should have to pass
a test before we can actually purchase a
puppy. We can barely take care of ourselves,
let alone another living thing. It isn't as if dogs
can survive on Pizza Pops forever. Believe
me, I've tried.
Despite their loyalty and ability to attract
women, dogs have their drawbacks. They are
a haven for fleas and shed hair all over your
furniture. If you have a dog at home, everytime you sit down on your couch, you get up
wearing a fur coat. Dogs also drink straight
from the toilet bowl, eat their own feces and
Psycho Cycler, qu'est
quec'est?
Daniel De Zwart
Vroom vroom
I am the crazy biker. I say "the" because I
haven't seen anyone else do the things I
do, but there may be even crazier bikers
out there. You may have seen me racing at top
speed across campus. To maximize speed, I
must be able to predict future positions of multiple pedestrians and bicyclists at once, and
must avoid braking if at all possible. My target speed is 25 km/h. To do this, I have to
make sweeping arcs, jump curbs, ignore cars,
and "shoot the gap." Don't worry if I appear
to be bicycling directly at you. I'm not playing
chicken. I merely expect you to cooperate at
all times by walking in straight lines at constant speed. DO NOT react or make sudden
movements. I haven't collided with anyone yet
after three years at UBC (although I have a
close call every week, of course, and average
one crash-and-burn every six weeks) and have
honed my skills considerably.
I'm not particularly worried about hitting
anyone or killing myself, or I wouldn't do
this, of course. I'm certainly nowhere as dangerous as rollerbladers listening to Vengaboys.
It requires an enormous amount of concentration to successfully navigate and plan-five seconds ahead to avoid hitting people. My biggest
hazard is other bicyclists, because I can't
always see them coming, and they have much
greater kinetic energy than the average pedestrian.
I can, unfortunately, imagine what UBC
would be like if everyone tried to bicycle the
same way I did. I estimate that there would be
at least five fatalities per day. I think there
should be bicycle gang wars on campus. It
would be a good way to relieve stress, and
slightly less destructive than torching pop
machines at the bus loop. We could have handlebar-mounted  paintball  guns.   Recumbent
bikes would be best used for mobile sharp
shooting, and ordinary bikes would be used
for machine-gun attacks. It would get ugly
fast, though, because people would soon start
using dry ice from the room next to the SUS
to freeze the paintballs. Ouch. (There is no dry
ice in the room next to SUS! Where did this
guy get his information... Nope, we have no
access to dry ice at all. Ever. Promise. Now
please put the bat down? -ed.)
Maybe if traffic lights were installed at every
corner, it would help reduce fatalities... however, as you would guess, I don't stop at traffic lights or stop signs. I bicycle down 10th
Avenue hunched over the handlebars at 45
km/h and time it so that I get through the intersection as soon as the cars have cleared it after
a green light at top speed. 16th Avenue allows
speeds of 55-60 km/h and is much more fun.
When your bike hits about 75-85 km/h, the
rider/bike system may reach a resonant frequency and being to shake uncontrollably with
an amplitude of about 20 cm peak-to-peak; this
is very unnerving. It's only happened once to
me on a highway. I didn't crash.
Once, in Burnaby southbound on Royal Oak
under the Skytrain station, I passed a car at 45
km/h; they really didn't like that and honked a
lot. I haven't tried it since; it's too risky. I've
learned not to give the finger to cars either;
once on Broadway near Commercial, I did
that, and the guy screeched to a halt 50 metres
ahead of me. I made an emergency left turn
across four lanes of traffic to escape that one!
The most important thing I can tell any bicyclist or pedestrian on campus: Don't mess with
Plant Ops vehicles. They will crush you like
bundt cake under their wheels. Even those little golf-cart-size Gator trucks. I'm warning
you, Plant Ops has a vendetta.
My favorite things to do: Bicycle down the
pavestone ramp behind the statue of democracy, bicycle straight up the bus-loop hill, and
down the other side towards the Chem building., or to bicycle south along the west side of
the SUB towards the bus-loop hill and go
straight to .the top. Physics is fun. I see it like
the ideal video game. It's that much more
exciting if it is "really* potentially deadly. So,
watch your step, and when you see me, show
your support by cursing and yelling as loud as
you can.
See, you do learn stuff in physic class.
Although, I'm pretty sure that Newton wasn't
prepared to have his works slaughtered by
crazy bikers.
And Plant Ops really is as bad as you think,
and they are out to get you.
-ed.
then proceed to lick your face to show you
how much they love you. Angry neighbors
fling dog shit at your door because your dog
crapped on their lawn. All this to meet
women.
Cats
Cats are still my favorite pet, despite their inability to attract women. Cats are so cuddly
and lovable. Cats are also cool. We forget that
their cousins, the Saber Tooth Tiger, used to
eat us. Some of their feline cousins still carry
on this tradition today. Even though we've
split the atom and landed on the moon, cats
still refuses to give us any respect. They just
lie around all day and sleep while we toil in the
salt mines. They have sex with reckless abandon and have trained humans to feed them on
command. If Aliens were viewing the earth
from a distance, they would think that cats ran
the joint. All this from an animal whose contribution to the world is the "tongue bath".
Cats are also prone to do adorable little things
like bring you mostly dead mice as presents or
try to claw out your eyeball as you give them
a bath.
Cats too have a down side. They don't come
when you call them. They only pay you any
attention when they want something. They use
your favorite leather couch as a claw sharpener and then proceed to swipe at you with those
same paws when you try to give them flea
medication. They are very poor at catching
Frisbees; in fact they can't do any tricks at all,
except disappearing right before its time to go
to the vet. They puke up hairballs, usually
right on your favorite rug. They pee all over
the place to mark their territory. They are not
very durable, as a kid I was always losing my
cats to farm equipment, packs of coyotes, or
speeding cars. A dog can get hit by a car, lose
a leg, and still want to play, "How many times
can I fetch a tennis ball" before you rush off
to the vet.
Based upon the above, I think my choice is
clear. I going to buy a goldfish and put my pet
rock in the tank. At least I won't have to worry
about traffic.
/ think it is very clear now why men (at least
university aged men) should never carry a
child to term. In fact, I think all humans
should have to take care of a pet dog or cat
for six months before they are given a chance
to procreate. That way, we would weed out
the ones who should never pass their genes
onto the next generation.
Trevor, get a pet plant. We have Avagadro
the Jade Plant, and it's a happy relationship
all around. Avagadro doesn 't mess the couches and we don't kill it with lack of attention.
But the month is young.
-ed.
From the creators of "Pope on a Rope"
and "Pontiff on a .Stick":
Fbpepourii
Keep your
house
smelling
Vatican
Fresh!
Gets
rid of
sins,
stains
and
smells!
enseftrati Km cerise
and new pine! Hold Satan at bay
with the fresh smell of spring.
Popepourii is in no way connected with the Vatican, the Pontiff or the Catholic Church,
 Especially not the Jesuits. PAGE FOUR
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22 MARCH 2000
Bree's article of funny
stuff
.*\
Bree Baxter
Ml
Wackier than a ...
I never understood the attraction some peo-
ple have to having trophy heads on the
wall. Why have a stuffed dead animal in
your house? Do you really need the physical
reminder that you are at the top of the food
chain?
All that changed when we got Guido, the
Black Tailed Deer, in our office. At first, I
was rather put off. It's a deer's head, and it's
in my space. If I want to see deer, I'll wander
the forests of North Vancouver. Then some
strange individual did what is called "mounting the head." Once you get your mind out of
the gutter (Necrophiliac bestiality is a bit
much, even for this paper), this means that the
head is stuck on our wall.
I spent a weekend with Guido in this room.
He's staring at me from across the office. It's
ok, I guess. As long as he doesn't leap off the
wall, which would be kind of odd seeing as
how he has no body. In a fit of... something,
I decided that Guido is a closet Irishman and
now he is wearing the remains of our St.
Patrick's Day bzzr garden decorations.
One of the top ten ways to deter business in
your establishment is to display trophy heads.
Why don't we all be honest, and display in
effigy the heads of our competitors? In the
blood-thirsty world of today's commerce, I
believe that consumers would want to know
how good you are. Did you get the print job
over your across-town competitor? Call the
taxidermist and make an effigy of your competitor's head and stick it on the wall.
They had it right back in the day of the Dark
Ages (and note how they didn't call them the
Dark Ages because it was overcast), they
would stick their enemies bodies on long pikes
in the castle yard, a resume of past work as
they say. That way, any overlord could just
take a canter on his horse and see who he
wants to hire as his security guard for the next
little while.
Guido, the central antagonist of this article,
sits, to this day, on the wall. He observes us
working with a gleam in his dark glass eyes.
You can almost see the tiny deer brain working as he plots, unseen.
As an aside, you must realize that Bree has
been working frantically on this article for
three days, and I didn 't have the heart to cut
her. However, I do have a few words about
Guido.
He is evil. Have you see the Anamanaics
cartoon, "Pinky and the Brain?"? Brain has
nothing on Guido. I heard that while he was
sitting in the AMS Presidential office, he
hacked into the secret CSIS files and accessed
each and every Science student at UBC.
Why? Could it be that he wants to control
your thoughts ? Or maybe he just wants your
VISA number.
-ed.
Dumb Assed Contest #9
Bernie Boudreau is the leader
of the Federal Senate.
Miriam Torchinsky and Gilan Israel
will each receive two free ACF Tickets.
congratulations!
Dumb Assed Contest
#10
How many street lamps are
there on Main Mall between
Thunderbird Blouvevard
and University Boulevard?
very cool prizes will result. I promise.
You must reply to bmonique@mterchange.ubc.ca
or to Bree's box in SUS before March 30th at 4:32pm
The problem with reality is the lack
of background music. Achieve your dream in health care as a Doctor of Chiropractic
Med school prerequisites can be brutal. But as
Hippocrates was overheard to say "Often there's
a better way to fulfill a dream." Yes, there is
another choice in your quest for a health care
career, it is chiropractic. Here's why:
Scientifically-based chiropractic is...
• a revolutionary and path-breaking
approach to health care
• an accepted scientific, evidence-
based approach to patient care
• rated tn the top 25% of America's
best occupations with the fastest
increase in annual income ^^
• projected as a profession where
employment opportunity ts"expected to increase
rapidly and job prospects should be good"
Choose Los Angeles College
of Chiropractic
I.  o
A   N   <
College of Chiropractic
4 ways to
learn more
about .LACC:
16200 E. Amber Valley Dr.
RO. Box 1160
Whittter, CA 90609-1166
Los Angefes CoHege of
Chiropractic (LACC) is the
North American leader in
chiropractic education.
Here's why:
LACC is...
• the leader in chiropractic
scientifically-based and
evidence-based approach to patient care
• a leader in chiropractic programs of sports
medicine with emphasis in sports injuries, nutrition,
radiology, pediatrics and pain management
• located near one of the world's most important
urban centers, yet offers a peaceful and intimate
suburban college environment
• the only chiropractic college accredited by the
Western Association of Schools and Colleges.
(WASC) Founded in 1911, LACC has a long and
proven tradition of excellence
1. Call us: 1-800-221-5222 (ext. 417)
2. E-mail us: inquiry@lacc.edu
3. Check out our web site: www.lacc.edu
4. Come and see us by calling and scheduling
a visit with an LACC admission counselor
At LACC you will...
• participate in our renowned ADVANTAGE
Program, that provides problem-oriented,
competency-based, and patient-centered
curriculum
• work with faculty and leading medical
schools on research projects funded by the U.S.
Federal Government on the West Coast
• become a Doctor of Chiropractic (DC) and fulfill
your dream of a career in health care
*w, sa
Your Future is
in Your Hands
Canadian tuition discount available PAGE SIX
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22 MARCH 2000
Assistant Editor
Wanted!
Can you spoil Spel speel?
Can you draw?
Do you like pizza?
Know the difference between
leading and kerning?
Interested in learning DTP? Or
at least figuring out what DTP
means? Then this job's for
youl
Join the few, the proud,
the incurably insane.
You, too can be a 432
assistant editorl Call
Bree Baxter at 822.4325
or email her att
bmonique@
interchange.ubc.ca
Dead Pool
The Reaper
Almost There
Just a quick Dead Pool note. The Dead
Pool death list ends next Wednesday, at
4:32pm PST. All deaths must be recorded
and on record before this deadline.
For the vast majority of the entrants out there,
the Pope, the Queen Mum and Boris Yelstin
have to die before the afore mentioned deadline. Or else, you lose.
I'm trying to decide what to do with the winner. Eternal pain and suffering? Boils and
sores? Or maybe music by dead people? We'll
see.
Have a good week, and don't fear the Reaper.
Do fear tetnus. Nasty stuff. Same with Spam.
But I digress.
Grad
Class Tree
Planting
March 28th,
12:30pm    '••*;'
Somewhere   -* - *.
between Main and      ,\: *
East Malls, near      \
Health Sciences
*?$?'
-#:
,*" *
y-s
i#
7&
MANGY LITTLE PUNKII USED ToTsCRAWNY PMCKfI AV6KT TO KICK
DRAW FOR THE 432, DAMN ml WW P«TTV BOY ASS UP AND 0OV
~^THE Bl/&sKDC3k-ETERNrry ♦ 1/2.
[YOU WILL SURRENDER YOUR LIGHT!
SO THAT MY GARDEN MAY GROW.
SHHHn
\WHAT?\
YOU'RE JUST SOME 6UY?i?!
TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT BRAIN fTHIS IS MY GIFT
STRAND IS TO CHOOSE THE
4IGHT WIRE IN A DEADLY BOMBJ
uh"
NO!
THIS IS MY REVENGE.
o
'SO, yOU're tHey*"oh ^>|fr ■ *' '       *-«^>- -^^^
MosKEdmediCI     ^   shit    JwHat arE yOU DoINgTjlETS BEGIN.
Y*
P°
>
AND MY TICKET TO MED-SCHOOL.
f
>^^
r^V^-^i
P
\~
IWv
)
'*•■ V,
c
•%^i
Ji
"STv;* •••??•
END.
NEXT ISSUE: DENOUEMENT AND CONCLUSION   what grim fate lies ahead for rex morgann
WITH PART OF HIS BRAIN IN THE HANDS OF THE MASKED MEDIC (who only speaks in metaphor)!   FIND OUT IN THE NEXT
AND VERY 14ST EPISODE! SO, THERE'S ONE LAST CHANCE TO HOLD A CONTEST AND THIS IS IT:  SEND YOUR NAME TO
verylastrex@yahoo.com THEN READ THE NEXT 432.   IF YOUR NAME APPEARS AS A SOUND EFFECT IN THE VERY LAST REX EPISODE, THEN YOU'VE
WON AND YOU CAN PICK UP YOUR NEW REX MORSANN T-SHIRT AT CHEM B160!   SEND YOUR NAME NOW AND GOOD LUCK!! 22 MARCH 2000
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE SEVEN
The Changing Wackiness of SUS
Senate
Timothy Chan
So this is my last write-up of the semester
eh? I can't believe how quickly this year
has gone by. My main duty this year was
to attend the monthly Senate meetings and represent the interests of all Science students. I
don't have anything extremely interesting to
report, but I am proud of the fact that UBC
finally passed the Academic Plan. To the other
Execs, I would like to say thanks for making
this a great year. A special thank you to Scott
MacLachlan who helped me get adjusted to
Senate and who actually understood my twisted math humour. I hope to see more Science
students involved with SUS in the future and I
look forward to serving as your Science Senator for next year as well. Good luck with those
upcoming finals and have a great summer!
Jag, I got 2 words for ya: Star Wars
Secretary
Keri Gammon
Hi everyone! Secretary hasn't had much
to do lately, so instead I'll discuss
some of the things which I hope SUS
can implement next year with our newly elected executive.
An increased number of social events, drop-
in tutoring, possibly some student scholarships/awards and more social space for science
students are all high on my agenda for the
upcoming year. As well, our faculty is undergoing some major changes with regard to cur-
ricular matters, and it is our job to continue to
provide a strong and informed voice to the
administrative teams dealing with such issues.
And overall, it would be great to see more
people getting involved, or at least made
aware of the diverse services and activities that
SUS provides for students. So if you have any
questions, concerns or ideas, feel free to stop
by the office and chat, or email me at kagam-
mon@interchange.ubc.ca.Hawe a great week!!
Keri was the life of the party at our last bzzr
garden, as she danced the night away to the
Celtic sounds of Great Big Sea. She had
some buddies out from Ontario. Her friends
had never been to a bzzr garden. They liked
it.
We 've introduced drunken debauchery to
another province. Sweet.
-ed.
Sports
Sara Stamm
H
ey there all you avid sports fans. It's
the end of the year, and this is my year
end  message  to  you.   If you want
rebates, I need them by the end of March. I am
going to write up all your rebates during the
last week of March, with maybe a few exceptions for Storm the Wall requests.
Other than that, I have nothing further to say
to you all. Good luck with your exams, and
have an awesome summer.
The rest of the executive were unable, due
to time constraints (yeah, right), to contribute
to this issue. If you wish to read their year-
end reports, you can contact Reka Sztopa
(the eternal Internal VP)at rsztopa@inter-
change.ubcca. Keep an eye out for the new
exec in the next issue.
-the present and future ed.
NEXT DEADLINE
Give it to us, soon!
Write for the; very last 432 of the
year. Come on, you know you want
to. All the cool kids are doing it.
All articles and cartoons are more
than welcome. You must make the
editor laugh at least thrice,
Include your full contact
information, and your article may
be longer be longer than 700
words ff you really want.
Write about anything.
Anything but the Arts.
Laa.
All contributions MUST
be submitted by 4:32 PM,
Wednesday, March 29TH.
Email to
BiMONIQUE@INTERCHANGE.UBC.CA
Internal Vice
Reka Sztopa
Yeah! Executive Elections and all the
pains that go along with it are over.
And guess what? For those of you who
love my blurbs so much, you'll get to hear
them for another year! But elections aside, this
year has been a really good one.
We started off with a noisy (thanks to those
annoying whistles) and enthusiastic group of
Science students at the Imagine pep rally along
with a First Year BBQ that was a big success.
Other highlights of the year included one too
many elections, Whistler Retreat and the
Annual Wine and Cheese where many faculty,
staff and students mingled in SUS (which for
once actually looked habitable).
As well, we had a wonderful team of first
year students on First Year Committee (FYC)
who together made the Electric Circus dance,
the St.Patrick's Day dance, a canned food
drive and a few other events come alive!
Thanks  to  everyone  on  FYC  for pulling
together and working hard and for being the
most enjoyable part of my job! I love you
guys!
For those of you who actually read my blurbs
in the 4321 well, let's just say I don't know
how you've survived the boredom but thank-
you anyway. For those of you who don't read
my 432 blurbs and are right now not reading
this, please understand that I don't blame you.
(Yes, she does, -ed.) I have grand imaginings
of the funny, witty and amusing things that I
could write, but somehow they fail to end up
even remotely appealing once written down,
so I've stopped trying. Instead, my wonderful
blurbs are filled with fun factual info that
hopefully has kept you informed along the
way.
I hope that you have managed to recuperate
from St. Patty's Day and are now ready for the
last stretch before more drunken debauchery at
ACF!
Enjoy the last few days of sanity before
exams start and see you in the next 432.
Reka
-call sign: Trinity
'* "' jtJ? A "--1 J**
* S r  '    ^     V  ,
?,i
Pick the actual Internal VP and
win a swift kick in the arse!
MERGENCY
Math / Physics Tutor
Calculus Mechanics
Differential Equations Thermodynamics
Matrix Algebra
Includes Math 100/101/200/217/316/ more.
Do you realize the responsibility I
carry? I'm the only person standing
between Nixon and the White House.
-John F. Kennedy (1917-1963), in
1960. PAGE EIGHT
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22 MARCH 2000
When Apples Are No Longer Enough
Jay Garcia
£ 'Ji £    Renting it at $8 a pop
The trouble with society these days is
that everyone goes about doing things
half-assed. Nobody takes the time to do
a good, thorough job anymore. Skilled crafts
and attention to detail have been sacrificed for
mass production and acceptable levels of
error. Granted, the pace of life has gotten
faster these days, and who can really afford to
be that nitpicky? Most people have to juggle
their schedule so much that they have more
balls in the air than a 747 filled with male
pornstars, metaphorically speaking. Because
of this distressing tendency (schedule juggling,
not the aviation habits of men in the porn
industry), the quality of the work accomplished tends to be rough and hurried.
I mean, take your average university student,
for example. Most of us have got a dayplanner
packed fuller than a circus clown-car. Take a
look at the itinerary for any given day: breakfast, classes, volunteer work, sucking up to
professors, dinner, homework, bitching about
grades, significant other, paid work. Is it any
surprise that in such a full schedule that the
meticulous performance of each task is sacrificed?
Case in point, the last Science Undergraduate
Society election. What, you didn't know we
had an election? But you read this paper,
right? I mean, you're reading it now. Last
issue had the elections blurbs and the big-assed
"Vote in the elections" advert in it. And yet
we had a turnout of slightly less than three-
hundred people. Wow. Five percent of the science population came out to vote. That's doing
pretty well for Science students, actually.
Comparatively speaking, it's like seeing every
pew in a church be filled on dates other than
Christmas and Easter. In any case, being one
of the people who had to spend a marvellous
Friday evening sober and counting votes, I
still can't really understand why people would
go out and bother to vote, and yet only fill out
part of the sheet. Yes, I understand that you're
probably supporting your friends, and this is a
Good Thing, kind of like one of those Godfather "You do somethin' for me, I make good
somethin' for you" routines. But if you're
going to take the time to vote, why don't you
vote properly, and figure out what the candidates stand for, and then go out and vote.
None of this half-assed bullshit.
If you took this approach to everything, you
wouldn't get too far. Take a look at the items
on that agenda above. Let's pick "sucking up
to your professor". I mean, come on, sucking
up requires a direct, full-frontal, no-holds-
barred approach (if that's your cup of tea, that
is). It's kind of like the steel cage match of student-professor interactions. Serious sucking
up requires looking him or her in the eye, flattering them with choice words about the quality of their teaching or the importance of their
research, these aren't things you can do halfheartedly. It's really difficult to lie convincingly when you're attention is focussed on
what you're making for dinner, or how you're
going to afford the roses and the ring that you
have to buy your significant other to make up
for the fact that not only did you forget her
birthday, but that you dragged your drinking
buddies back to your place to catch the game
on TV when she was waiting in your bedroom
wearing only in some strategically spritzed-on
puffs of whipped cream. But I digress. You've
really got to dig into your well of knowledge
about that specific professor, otherwise it'll
look like you're reading from some kind of
boilerplate "flatter the prof" script that you
illegibly penned at three in the morning when
you should have been otherwise sleeping, but
were kept up because your significant other
wanted to "talk about your relationship" until
the wee hours.
Which brings me to another point. Prioritization. If it stands to reason that you can't do a
good job in class or kissing up because you've
got too much on your plate, then you've got to
scrape that extra, nonessential stuff onto the
floor to let the dog have a go at it. What this
translates to in real life is that you go through
the list of things you don't really have time to
do and shuffle them off onto people who'll do
them for you. Got research due for a term
paper? Find some poor nerdy schlep whom
you can bully into doing it for you. Drop volunteer work altogether, especially if it's for
some insipidly soft-headed cause like saving
the whales, or the trees, or the poor. None of
these groups will be helpful to you in your
quest towards the increasing quality of your
rampant consumeristic lifestyle, unless you
happen to be doing volunteer work in order to
stuff your resume. If this is the case, try to do
as little work as possible, but do all of it in
front of the person in charge of the programme. It's all just a case of arranging matters so that everything comes up in your
favour. This is, not surprisingly, a somewhat
exacting task, requiring forethought, planning,
and the willingness to screw over anybody and
everybody who gets in your way.
Now, many of you may have difficulty
achieving this because, contrary to popular
belief, deep down, people are pretty damn
nice. It takes hard work and discipline to reach
the point where you can be just the sort of ass
hole who can boldly march towards a proud
future on the backs of the weak. All it really
takes is the committed and concerted desire to
be selfish. This might take some doing,
because people aren't really configured for
automatic selfishness. In order to get into the
right frame of mind, just repeat the following
mantras to yourself: "Eat shit and get out of
the kitchen. It's a dog eat dog eat every goddamn thing world. I'm madder than a bastard
on Father's Day."
Once these phrases get ingrained into your
very being, you'll have the proper attitude to
go out there and curb-stomp the faces of all
who displease you. You'll be the human
equivalent of a pitbull on PCP, single-minded-
ly devoting yourself to the tasks at hand, consequences be damned! Anyone who gets in
your way will be chewed up and spit out in
less time than it takes a school of carnivorous
piranha to devour a hapless Greenpeace "Save
the Rainforests" protester.
Overall, as you become an increasingly selfish bastard you'll find yourself becoming more
and more successful. The quality of your work
will improve, due to your increased attention
to detail. Parts of your life will definitely
improve, specifically in the academic and
financial arenas. Sure, there are bound to be
some repercussions, as you'll lose friends
faster than hair falling off of a cat onto a pair
of black pants. But, as a very wise man once
said, "Money can't buy happiness, but you can
rent it." So go out there, be selfish, kick butt,
and take names.
Jay volunteered for four years at the geriatric ward of the Vancouver General Hospital. Somehow, I suspect it wasn 'tfor the lime
Jell-O.
-ed.
SUS Executive Election Results
All Hflil Our New Ant Masters!
President
Internal VP
Yes: 236
Keri Gammon  No: 28      Reka Sztopa    : 182
Sameer Wahid    : 74
External VP
Corrie Baldwin : 115
Ajay Puri : 135
PRO
Adam Mott
Tamara Salih
Spoils
: 123
: 106
:31
Publications
D Yes: 230
Bree Baxter     No: 22
v
Finance
Jagmeet Dost     : 134
Rajesh Pachchigar: 74
Alan Warkinton    : 49
Secretary
Michael Boeztkes: 68
Ryan Morasiewicz: 64
Sherry Yang      : 118
So-Co
Dan Anderson      : 85
Katharine Scotton:! 52
Sports
c     .,        Yes: 218
iara Mamm     |y|0. 26
Al|results are non-official until validated by SUS Council
llH SUS Councij^ffjiote on these results on Thursday, March 23rd at 1:30pm. Com

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