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The 432 Nov 19, 1997

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Array I'm Un-tankable." - Science President Bella Carvalho
UBC Cancels
AMS Lease on SUB
Thunderbird Shop Welcomed Back
Earle Warren
Financial Correspondent
In a surprise move yesterday, UBC
President Dr. Martha Piper
announced her intentions to serve
the Alma Mater Society of UBC one
year's notice on the cancellation of their
lease of the AMS Student Union
"We have given the AMS one year's
notice to vacate the premises," explained
Piper. "After which point we will take
over the SUB building."
The AMS currently leases the building
from UBC, paying an annual fee of $1.
This agreement was originally struck
when the students of UBC agreed to
build a student union building, if the
University would provide the land on
which to build it.
Now, the University has decided to kick
the long time tenants out of the Student
Union Building, and plans to occupy the
building with a UBC-run organization.
"We plan to open our own student society," said University business manager
Peter Bernie. "Although the AMS has
been very profitable as an organization,
and although students seem to support
this society, we feel that we can do the
same thing...only better."
The AMS expressed their severe disa-
pointment at the University's decision.
"I can't believe this," said AMS
President Ryan Davies. "We've been
great tenants since the moment we built
this building. The University is just trying to make a profit out of someone
else's misfortune. This is an outrage. "
The UBC Board of Governers, which
consists of a group of	
students and university
representatives, wiil
meet on Tuesday to discuss the University plan
Board of Governers student representative
Davis Goring expressed
his hope that the Board
will not let this plan go
"I have a lot of friends
who use the Alma Mater Society regularly, and I think that they are doing a good
job," said Goring. "More importantly, we
have to think about what kind of message this will send to potential investors.
Not to mention the fact that this decision has apparently already been made,
without the Board's approval. That's not
the way the system works."
President Piper, however, stood by her
"This move definitely isn't a money-
grab. We realize that the AMS is in a
position to make lots of money off of the
student body, but that has never been
our intent.
"The new student society will be bigger,
better, and more able to better serve the
student population. This University is in
the unique position of being able to
become the pre-
emminent learning
environment of the
west coast.
"All they seem to
do well is bicker,
whine and
-Martha Piper on the AMS.
"We will close the
Art Gallery to
expand the UBC
Bookstore, shutdown the Gallery
Lounge and Pit Pub
for more Bookstore
storage, and kick the
Bank of Montreal
out to expand the lucrative Bookstore
Fashion Department. The arcade and
Blue Chip Coffee can stay."
Throughout the press conference, Piper
made it clear that the University will no
longer recognize the AMS as the official
student society.
"The AMS has rnade a mess out of everything they've ever touched. All they
seem to do well is bicker, whine, and
The AMS has started a vigilant student
awareness campaign in response to the
university's move.
"UBC has the highest level of student
apathy of any university in Canada,"
said Davies. "So we've had to pull out all
the stops of the AMS lobbying
Juggernaut. We put a sign on the SUB
concourse with the number of days until
we're booted out to protest this injustice.
Next we've decided to bicker to the
Ubyssey and whine to the Campus
Times. It's only a matter of days before
the University will come around. I
expect positive student feedback."
"Huh?" was the most common response
from 100 random students questioned
about the lease cancellation by The 432.
"I dunno. I thought those numbers in
the SUB were the number of days until
summer. I thought the Alma Mater
Society was a graduate student thing,
anway" said education student Scott
Barret. "Why do you press-types always
want us to care about everything, anyway? I'd like to just live my own life, get
up, go to school and such, and not have
to worry about every little issue you guys
want to put on your front cover!"
UBC Village Burns
Down (Again)
US President Clinton "very upset."
Ronald M. Fibble
Af£C s^^^r^r^Kt.,.
Pyromaniac Correspondent
UBC (Reuters)
Early this morning a three alarm fire
consumed most of the newly constructed UBC Village commercial plaza.
Destroyed were the McDonald's, food
plaza, and Benny's Bagels. While the fire
doesn't appear suspicious, the RCMP is
not ruling out arson.
"The investigation is still ongoing."
stated UBC RCMP Staff Sergeant Ron
Peterson. "We are investigating two very
promising leads. First, a witness reporting spotting a man behaving suspiciously around two in the morning.
According to the witness, the suspect
was repeatedly throwing molitov cocktails   through   the   front   window   of
Benny';; Bagels.
"We feel this incident may be related to
the fire, but we're not sure. Secondly,
I've heard a rumour that Chinese leader
Jiang Xamim might have ordered the
destruction of the local McDonald's to
cheeze off US President Bill Clinton.
We're taking this lead very seriously."
Representatives for the US President
stated that Clinton is "very upset about
this incident. The President was explicit
in his request that the location chosen
for APE;C had a McDonald's within jogging distance. Luckily, we have our own
McDonalds installed on Air Force One."
Ironically, the Village Plaza as it appears
today was constructed to replace the
original UBC Village, which burnt to the
ground early in 1992. PAGE TWO
19 NOVEMBER 1997
The 432"*
Volume 11 Issue 6
19 November 1997
© 1997 The Science
Undergraduate Society of UBC.
All rights reserved.
Jeremy Thorp:
jerth' vprtunixg. ubc. ca
Mayor of Vancouver
Min Hallett
Bret-onno Baxter
|ay Garcia
|enn Gardy
lake Gray
John Hallett
Blake Hinlon
'Frenchy' Maftei
Andifw Martin
Mandy Seymour
Craig Temple
Jake Mckinlay
Jeremy Thorp
College Printers, Inc.
Vancouver. BC
RCMr Anti-terrorist Unit
Contact Info
Attn. Editor, The 432
c/o The Dean of Science
The University of British Columbia . \
6270 University Blvd
Vancouver, B.C.
(6041 822 4235
Fax: (604) 822 5558       . .   .
:.".& |-«
Trie 432 would like to formally ■_
apologize lor organizing the APEj£h;
conference in the first place.'Vfe^
realty didn't realize that all of *""'""J"
dictators were so bad.
We'd also like to apologize
sniper on top of the chan
We didn't mean to take
The 432 is ihe official
the      Science      Undergrade
Society, published twice monthly^
from our offices in low orbit.     .. ^f'■
All opinions expressed herein ans!
strictly those of the individual wflt'.j ■
ers and not those of 7he 432 or the''
Science Undergrad Society. ?;; •.
Writers and cartoonists from all facjv ■
ulties are encouraged to submit-
material tc  The 432. All submissions must meet the strict deadline ■
requirements   and   should   not
exceed 1000 words.
The 432 is copyrighted by The ._
Science Undergraduate Society of
UBC and may not be reproduced in
whole or in part without express
written consent.
Act Dumb.
Dress Smart.
Johnny Versace was not a genius. In
fact I'm willing to place money that
his intellect was substantially sub-
before he had his blown off I mean.
I'm basing this, not on any sort of personal contact with the man or anyone
who ever met him, but on my contact
with completely different people.
Since coming to University, I've had the
opportunity to meet a large variety of
individuals. I assume, that since this is
an institution of higher learning, most
people I meet here are going to be of
above average intellectual capabilities.
Strangely enough, a good proportion of
the university population is fashion
challenged. It seems to be that the
smarter the person, the more problems
they have mixing colours. Think about it
for minute. When was the last time you
met a really sharply dressed physicist?
Or for that matter, next time you're in
your token arts class way over in the
depths of Chaucer Hell, take a look at
the people who actually answer the boring questions put forward by the profs.
How many models wear leopard print
stirrup bottomed leotards,  have their
ears pierced from lobe to eyebrow, drool
do to the tongue piercing, have almost
shaved hair badly dyed an off shade of
cyan, and have a neon orange tube top
surgically sewn to their thorax? Do I
even have to mention the Engineers?
Lets face the fact that red cardigans went
out with bathtub gin and the charelston,
yet in order to join this bunch of freaks
you have to get an 85 % high school
average just to get an application form.
Not that it is really too difficult to
obtain an Eighty five percent average in
high school, but it does indicate some
form of social deviance.
I think the reason that smart people
have no sense of fashion is because they
dress with logic. The rules of logic do not
apply to fashion. How do you explain
that girls who look like anorexic crack
whores are the super models of civilization? People who know how to dress
have a hard time explaining the rules of
dress to the fashionably retarded. These
people have strange trains of thought
when they get dressed in the morning.
"I'll wear sweat socks with my suit cause
they're more comfortable."
"These IBM t-shirts are cool."
"If I wear plastic bags over my socks, my
feet won't get wet."
"If all my clothes are blue, everything
will match with everything else."
"If I wear crotchless panties, I won't
have to take them off to have sex."
I don't care how you accessorize, there
really isn't anything that goes with
crotchless panties. Really, you shouldn't
wear anything else with crotchless
panties. The only problem I have with
the old c.p.'s is the whole lack of support
thing. Well, that and the air flow caused
a small problem with shrinkage, but that
aided the whole lack of support problem.
I'd like to interject at this point to say
that for sheer comfort in the winter
months, saran wrap can't be beat. Not
only is it waterproof, but it is also quite
insulating, form fitting, and supportive.
Anyway my theory goes that the
smarter a person gets, the worse their
fashion sense, and as such Versace, who
had probably the best personal style of
any man in the modern world, was probably the dumbest man with 46 chromosomes ever born. Dumber than a sack of
hammers, not the sharpest knife in the
drawer, about as bright as a two watt
light bulb, quick as a three toed sloth
after a turkey dinner. Of course by this
theory, I'm a bloody genius. Long live
the lizard king.
- I am the lizard king, -ed
Jer's Innefectual
I really don't know why I ever decided
to get involved in student politics.
Truth be told, it was never really a
decision; just an innocent submission to
the 432.
Here I am, two years later, with a schedule which makes President Clinton look
like an easy-going contract plumber. As
if the paper isn't bad enough, I also work
part-time, play in a band, and have
recently volunteered to co-host a live,
web-based music show. Oh yeah. I also
have an action-packed 30 credits of
genetic fun.
Feel sorry for me?
I didn't think so. Still, it's nice to whine
every once in a while, even if no one is
It's 9:22 on Saturday night. Currently,
I'm dressed in a plastic bag, a paper hat,
and a sign that says 'I am the Lizard
King.' Of course, you think I'm lying.
But, unfortunately, I'm not. I also have
two Glad freezer bags on my hands as
gloves, four disposable plates as
makeshift armour, and two beer cans,
strapped to my head with duct tape. Jake
has his legs covered with saran wrap.
Frenchy is wearing a spatula on his head.
Craig, decked out in orange rubber
gloves, an ice-cream bucket helmet, and
a yardstick sword, it perhaps the most
normal of us all.
This is what editing the 432 will do for
We're in the middle of our second bottle of Sambuca, and Jake it talking about
heading over to the Gallery,  in  full
regalia. I'm sure it will probably happen.
The Underground, in all of its glory, ran
an ad on their cover, which looked
something like this:
Because not everyone
can get into Arts
Which brings me to another point.
Everyone arch-villain in comics, movies,
and TV shows is a mad scientist. Not
once have I seen a movie in which the
bad guy is an Evil Artsy, or a Mad
Philosopher (actually, I did see a movie,
made in the early seventies, in which
Plato terrorized a small mid-western
Electronics can be used to make some
pretty cool weapons. Philosophies, on
the other hand, can't.
For me, this is the number one reason to
be in Science. My plan to take over the
world by the Fall of 1997 like any great
construction project (or software
release), has hit a few setbacks.
Nevertheless, I still intend to rule the
earth, and hold supreme command over
all of you. Until then, though, we can
still be friends.
I propose a few alternate captions:
Science UBC: Because some people are
smarter than you.
Science UBC: Because not everyone can
work in the fast food industry.
Science UBC: Hey, we've got the 432.
J a n ua ry   1s *
S « fc m i s s I o fi s   t o 19 NOVEMBER 1997
Dr. Temple.
Dr. Temple
Official Physician of the Undead
Well, with APEC right around
the corner there is bound to be
an increase of gunshot wounds
due to RCMP/SS snipers. Although confrontations between well-intentioned
protesters and high-powered rifle-wielding snipers are inevitable, there are some
suggestions that may keep you alive long
enough to be rushed to the Leavenworth
infirmary. One key point is to wear red;
this confuses the laser sighting of the
guns, and will limit the number of
snipers that hit you to four of five.
Another suggestion is that, if you
absolutely have to venture within a kilometre of the safety bubble around the
Museum of Anthropology, have an IV
needle prepped and ready for the blood
infusion. Following these safety precautions just might help you make it
through to your finals. The following letter I received illustrates the tragic consequences that not following safety precautions can cause.
Dear Dr. Temple,
I've recently admitted to myself that I
have a problem; I'm going bald. My hair
has been slowly falling out for about five
weeks now. I didn't really pay it any
heed at first, but now I look like Homer
Simpson except, where he has hair
around the sides of his head, I have only
fish-belly white skin. I once had blond
hair down to my waist, but now there
are only a few clumps of rmatted yellow
hair. I've racked my brains trying to find
the cause of my sudden baldness, but to
no avail. I haven't been going anywhere
that has Haz-mat teams scurrying about,
I haven't been up on the roof of the
Chem building in a while, nor have I
gone to any Film Soc screenings of
movies in the SUB theatre. The only
thing that could have possibly caused
my hair loss was that I dyed my hair blue
for a rave I went to, but I washed that
out right after with a recipe I got off of
the Internet: cod-liver oil and Ex-Lax. I
then started researching my family tree
for any other cases of balding, but the
only person in my family tree that went
bald was Uncle Pete, and that was
because his still exploded when he was
trying for the mythical 195 proof White
Lightning. If you have any suggestions
or any ideas of where I can get any good
wigs please respond.
Sally McCueball
Sally, I'm afraid that you didn't listen to
proper safety precautions when you tried
that "recipe" you found. On the bottle of
Ex-Lax it clearly says "For internal use
only." Apparently there was extensive
testing done by Le Pluspoo Corp. in
France, and it was found that their Ex-
Lax cause baldness when rubbed on the
head. As of yet I have not heard if they
have developed a method to reverse this,
but contacting them would be recommended. I don't know of any wigs that
look natural, but if you completely shave
your head and buy a "Womyn Power!"
pin, you will at least fit into the
Feminazi group.
We can all learn a lesson from Sally; Ex-
Lax should only be used to incite explosive diarrhea, not for any other purposes.
Next week we'll hear Jake explain why Jenn Gardy
he and his friends were walking around
the Gallery while wearing plastic bags,
paper hats, and paper plate-body
BV THE Sl/S ^* Y- ,p\
Puppet Profs.
Craig Temple has been practising medicine
since 1983 out of a small clinic in lower
Estonia. While few of his clients suffered
from baldness, his cure for hoof and mouth
is legendary.
BIOSOC    Bzzr    Garden
Fri,   Nov.   2 1
4:32pm   BIO   2449
$1 Bzzr, cheap Cyder, club I points!
It is generally agreed upon that university professors have several advantages over
their students. They get paid to be here, we pay to be here. They get free parking, we get a parking spot only once we agree to turn over our firstborn to
University Parking Services Enforcer Training School. They get an office and lab, we
get a, well we don't get anything. We do have a slight advantage though. Us students are the only people on this entire campus who can work the audio-visual
I challenge all 432 readers to recall a time when a well-meaning professor has tried
to show a movie, filmstrip, slide show, or even a crayon drawing on posterboard and
actually succeeded. Man, they'll probably be able to clone people and grow animals
without heads before a prof can figure out the a/v. OK, maybe that wasn't the best
example. Either way, a/v + prof = electrocutions and several small fires. On a good
day. Sure, "SpaceMoose Explains Fourier Transforms And How They Can Bring YOU
Fun And Profit" is significantly less exciting than a driver training film, but it's a
break from lectures and I want to see it, dammit. Even if it means the professor has
to call in 4 T.A.'s, the Rogers Cable guy, and the building janitor to figure out if it's
safe to push the big red button marked "POWER" (Want to see them squirm? Just
as they're about to push that POWER button, stand up and scream "NOT THAT ONE
YOU FOOL! YOU'LL KILL US ALL!" Heh heh heh...)
Martha Piper ought to Think About It for a minute and realize that $500,000 for a
lecture theatre with wireless mikes and an IMAX film screen that are in the care of
professors who WERE BORN BEFORE TELEVISION WAS INVENTED might not be the
best way to spend money. Instead, may I propose a much more affordable, cost-
effective, and exciting method of presenting extracurricular material which I'm sure
would be a lot less hard on the profs...Puppet shows.
Every prof would be issued with a box of puppets and a rudimentary cardboard box
"theatre". Puppets would be faculty-specific - a little Einstein, a finger puppet for
every chemical element, and maybe even an NMR spectrometer puppet made out of
a sock and an old coffee can. All important concepts would be required to have an
appropriate puppet drama, improvised by the prof, and there would be puppet
drama serials for more advanced concepts. Got a problem with heterotrophic metabolism? No problem - follow the continuing adventures of Billy, the Talking Sock
Puppet Bacteria. At the end of every term, the best puppet shows would be performed for the entire campus and the winner would be staged by Theatre UBC.
Memorable puppets would be bronzed and immortalized in their lecture halls, and
scholarships would be named in honour of them. 20 years from now your children
might be subsidizing their tuition with their $50,000 Hammy the Physics Hamster
Join with me in the quest to end those awkward silences while the prof fumbles
with a 40 year old film projector - drop of your old socks in care of the "Think About
It Puppet Show Fund" c/o SUS. Googly eyes and other puppet accessories also appreciated.
Darwin Puppet: And that's why there is no God.
God Puppet: I'll show you 'no God', you crazy british bastard! I'm gonna get creationist
on your ass!
Darwin Puppet: That's why it's called survival of the fittest, and not survival of the fattest! Take this, you wig-wearing, pathetic excuse for a deity.
19 NOVEMBER 1997
Natural Selection.
Some of my friends do it. I've tried it
once or twice. Pass by the park on a
sunny day, and you'll even see some
families doing it together. As much as
our fine police force may try to stop it,
it's popularity grows by the day. Social
epidemic, cultural destruction, harmless
fad... call it what you'd like.
I'm talking, of course, about feeding
squirrels. It's thoroughly illegal, punishable by a substantial fine, and can be
dangerous to your physical and mental
It is also, by the way, accelerating the
natural processes of selection. Darwin
was a pretty clever cat, in his own little
way, and some of the ideas he came up
were not only neat, but also practical.
Take that whole survival of the fittest
thing. It seems fairly obvious now, but at
the time, it was fairly revolutionary. In
fact, when you look at it, a lot of the
things we do today stem directly from
this idea. Take dieting, for instance. Now
that we know that immensely obese
folks don't tend to fair as well as muscle-
bound Starship Trooper types. Ever wondered why all the Kings of England
looked like bloated versions of Dom
DeLouise? Because they didn't know better.
Back to the squirrels. In Stanley Park,
evolution is happening at an accelerated
pace. Here's how it works:
Everyone feeds the squirrels. Which
squirrels do they feed? The cute ones.
What has Uncle Walt taught us that cute
means? Fat. Fuzzy, bright-eyed, shiny
coated fat little squirrel bastards. That's
who's getting the selective advantage.
Of course, they're not the ones who
need the extra food. There is also quite
an extensive population of mangy, flea-
ridden,   skinny  squirrels  who  forage
unsuccessfully for nuts and berries.
These are the squirrels who should be
getting the hand-outs. If there was such a
think as squirrel social assistance, they'd
be first in line.
Instead, the Jenny Craig squirrels out-
compete the poor bits o' fluff. It's a sad,
sad world we live in, and a tough one
too. I decided to do something about it.
Safeway has both of the required ingredients: peanuts and rat poison. Sure, I
get a few strange looks from the cashier,
but it's no worse than the time I bought
a plantain banana, duct tape, a box of
condoms, and a roll of film.
It's a few weeks in to my culling program, and I'm already seeing a noticeable decrease in the population of overweight rodents. Some of the squirrels are
starting to gel a little suspicious, but it's
pretty hard to resist an innocent-looking
peanut on a cold november morning.
Next, I'm going to work on the irritating
Pre-Med Hopeful
K1S£ A80V£ THE fEbV)
OF -600&!£ -mGWSfRS
hav£ FAit-ea
UN Security Council condemns
New York
For the fifth time in as many days,
the UN Security Council has threatened Iraq with retaliations if Saddam
Hussein does not cooperate with UN
weapons inspections. Instead, Iraq
has promised to shoot down U.S. spy
planes which regularly fly over Iraq.
Speaking at the UN General
Assembly, Iraqi foreign minister Tarek
Aziz accused the U.S. of dropping revolutionary propaganda onto the
"peaceful people of Iraq. We have
been unjustly targeted by the rogue
American president. It is simply a
ploy to take over the world. The U.S.
has already successfully waged its war
of propaganda on Canada, and now
they're moving onto us. We will never
give in. It will be the mother of all
battles!" U.S. secretary of state
Madeleine Albright was quick to
respond: "We would never drop pamphlets urging the Iraqi people to
revolt against the Hussein regime. We
did drop pieces of paper, but they
were completely blank." When asked
what the purpose of dropping one
hundred and fifty tons of Xerox paper
on innocent Iraqis was, she refused to
comment. Sources indicate that the
paper may in fact have been infused
with LSD. "That's ludicrous", replied
an angry Madeleine Albright, "if we
wanted to drug the population we'd
put PCP in the water supply. Who do
you think we are, amateurs?"
Fire still burns out of control in
A government endorsed program to
clear land through controlled burning
is still raging out of control on the
island of Borneo. Through clearing of
virgin jungle, the Indonesian government was planning to relieve crowding on the overpopulated island of
Java. Control was promptly lost causing untold environmental damage as
well as burning up entire towns.
Damage has been estimated in the billions. Smoke and ash coats the country in blanketing fog while the fire
burns on unaverted. The government
was quick to blame external sources
for the disaster.'Tt was China" said
Minister of Natural Resources Surya
Bukharta, "They've been on our case
for years. You saran wrap a few toilets
and people just go nuts."
Satanic priest dies.
San Francisco
The founder of the Church of Satan,
Anton LaVey, died at the age of 67. As
an active member of the community,
LaVey could often be seen walking
down the street, bald head gleaming,
cape behind him streaming, and
twirling a preserved human gall bladder while whistling the tune to
Waltzing Matilda. "I'm actually going
to miss the creepy organ music." said
neighbor and friend Bob Cardiff. A
small memorial was held on Monday.
Family and friends were touched by
the sacrifice of 4 cows, six goats, an
elk, and a virgin named Sue. 19 NOVEMBER 1997
Mandy on
The SantaFiles.
Mandy Seymour
Whiter than White
Recently I've been informed by male friends that males have a kind of "urinal
etiquette." This concept is entirely foreign to me so I have gone undercover to
discover the truth behind this mystery of males. You may have seen me sneaking into the men's washrooms in Buchanon during various arts bzzr gardens.
Urinal Etiquette Rule #1: Do some quick math to position yourself as far as possible
from the other people using the urinals. See, your math teacher was right;, math can
be a life skill. This could explain why males often achieve higher math scores (or this
could be a big male math conspiracy.) This even distribution of guys in the bathroom
is essential because you wouldn't want to be caught with your pants down next to
another guy. This isn't such a big problem with women, but this is probably due to
the fact that stalls have walls.
Urinal Etiquette #2: Whatever you don't look to the side or down at another guy or
they will think you are some kind of pervert. Unless of course you are a female who
drunkenly stumbled into the men's washroom by mistake. Men say that if there's
actual little walls on the urinal than you can strike up a conversation with a guy in
the bathroom but otherwise look straight ahead and say nothing.
Urinal Etiquette Rule #3: Always, always, always wash your hands after using the
toilet. Otherwise people will stare at you like you are really weird. Also this could
avoid some social embarrassment in that no one will want to shake hands with you.
This seems pretty common sense, but you'd be surprised. This step is especially necessary if you plan to eat afterwards. Otherwise you may end up with a great big case
of food poisoning from the mysterious fecal chloroform microbes (otherwise called
rear entry bacteria).
Urinal  Etiquette  Rule #4:  No  hockey with  the urinal  pucks.  Enough  said.
Urinal Etiquette Rule #5: This is not really a rule but as a child you must start at one
end and finish at the end of the row of urinals. This could be considered a control
exercise. Some males give it the label, "putting out a fire."
On a related note, I've noticed that the men's bathrooms are way bigger than the
women's. In the Chemistry building the guys washroom has 5 urinals and 6 stalls
while the women's has only 3 stalls. This just goes to show how many more women
are well educated at university due to the women's liberation movement and how
outdated this university's faculties are. Now if only we could pee standing up. I'm
sure science will find a way.
- Why Mandy knows so much about urinals, I'll never know. She is, however, the only
girl I know who can write her name in the snow, -ed
Breeonne Baxter
Yes, that is how you spell Breeonne
Thirty-five shopping days until Christmas. Ooh, do I look excited? What fun!
The pressure of the last second shopping, for those chintzy house plants for
mom and the odd stuffed frog for my brother. I mean, why do we bother with
presents? I say that no one buys any presents for other people. Save the money, and
buy yourself a new stereo. Or a warm jacket for the new year. Or fly to Mexico for a
week. But come on. It's your money. Pamper yourself.
But you now say, "It's Christmas! The giving of gifts is supposed to symbolize the
wise men giving the baby Jesus the gold, myrrh and frankenstein!" The key word in
that argument is "supposed". Last time I read that chapter in the bible, nowhere did
it say, "go into debt to give Uncle Charlie a new beer hat". If you aren't buying the
new messiah some funky incense, screw it. 'Tis'nt the season to spend your money...
And I am sure that Santa wasn't what those apostles had in mind when they decided to seek fame and fortune through scripture. A big fat guy who gives away his presents for free. With the aid of many Northern elves and eight tiny reindeer. This
entire thing sounds a bit wacky to me. Let us review: Santa Claus wears a red suit:
He's a communist. Has a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. And what's in that
pipe he's smoking? It's all in the FBI files I found on the X-Files set.
No, I'm serious. On December 25th, 1957, over the skies of Area 52, New Mexico, a
unidentified flying object was seen crashing into a mountain. FBI officers, bored
with watching the aliens play hop-scotch in the Area 51, were at the scene within
minutes. They discovered eight tiny deer-like animals, a red sledge and a fat guy
dressed all in red. After determining that is was not J. Edgar Hoover, the illustrious
agents took the dazed fat-man into custody. After extensive interrogation, the FBI
offices in Washington was telephoned.
"Umm, guys? We gotta man here claiming to be Kris Kringle"
"So? Everyone knows Kris Kringle drives a taxi in New York. Lock 'em up!"
Forthwith, Santa was incarcerated. After Mrs. Santa lodged a missing persons report
with the North West Territories RCMP, Santa's second-in-command, a thin tall elf
named Bubba, took over the reins. He's the one who leaves you the socks, clothes,
school supplies... You know, all those things you unwrap and toss behind the couch.
Stuff your grandma wouldn't give you. It is not Santa's fault. Blame it all on Bubba.
At least we get a few days off school. A few days of holiday football. Big turkey dinner. Or ham, if you lean that way. My only warning is: Stay away from that fruit cake.
They unearthed some 2000 year old fruit cake in the caves with the Dead Sea scrolls.
Still good!
My overall point in this rather disjointed article is thus: Everything you know is
wrong. Pay homage to your 432. Your 432 is right. Your 432 is always right. Your 432
will never lead you astray. Believe in your 432.
- Ahh... all of that brain-washing is starting to pay off. -ed
Treadmills and Beer Goggles
Every year should have its milestones—those moments or events
which make the year memorable or
noteworthy—marking it as different
from those other years where nothing
exceptional happens, where the best
that can be said about them is that the
time passed quickly without leaving too
much lingering embarrassment.
Milestones can be good or bad—it doesn't really matter, although on the whole,
having a pleasant memory of, say, a first
kiss, is far more favourable than an
unpleasant one, such as being caught in
bed with the recipient of said first kiss by
her parents.
Birthdays are milestones too; most people can't forget their sixteenth and all
the fun legalities and illegalities associated with being allowed permission to
operate a motor vehicle (usually dubbed
by its user as one of a couple of things;
either it's a stereo on wheels, the closest
thing to an F-l they'll ever gel: to drive,
or the ever-popular "back-seat special").
On a similar note, who remembers their
fifteenth, seventeenth, or twenty-second
birthdays? Rather few people, I would
think, as these ages have little or nothing with which to distinguish them.
Your eighteenth birthday lets you vote
in federal elections or die for your country. Your nineteenth allows you to legally drink yourself into a coma (probably
because the policy-makers figured you'd
need to do this after having spend a year
either voting or dying for your country).
Your twentieth wouldn't be so remarkable if it wasn't for the fact that it meant
you were out of your teens, and your
twenty-first is a rehash of your nineteenth, except south of the border.
Since I'll be turning a nice palindromic
age sometime in the week that you get
this paper (and yes, I am a seventies
child, figure it out yourself), and seeing
as there is nothing absolutely remarkable about this age, I figured I'd try and
make the event memorable. I figured it
was high time to start working out again.
The last time I'd tried this routine, I'd
been in the eleventh grade. After an
exceptional year of physical fitness and a
record number of consecutive months of
not having fallen asleep in class, I
thought I had the "working-out" thing
licked. And then came the summer,
when, like all previous summers, I
promptly forgot everything I'd learned
in the preceding year.
These days, the process of physical fitness seems a lot more complicated than
I remember it. First off. there's a bewildering array of liquids and solids that
you have to ingest. I'm thinking of multivitamins the size of Staedtler erasers
and protein shakes of which, the less
said, the better, because you have to
worry when "1.0 g of minerals and ash"
makes up part of the ingredients of a
shake. Last I checked, the only food-type
product with lots of ash in it was dog
Anyway, then there comes the fitness
club part of the equation. It is both
frightening and amusing to note how
peppy and chipper fitness club employees can be. This attitude, combined with
an equal amount of cut-throat mentality
and a quest for a monthly new-members
quota, can be somewhat off-
putting to a prospective member. And
then there are the machines themselves,
which look like a Ned Flanders-ian version of the kind of equipment the old
Marquis de Sade would have been proud
of. Sure they've got
lots of little lights
and LED's and neat
displays on their
But all that does is
disguise the fact
that they're still
precision machines
designed to melt
away unsightly fat
and reduce the user
to a state of breathless, endorphiri-
aided bliss. And the
following day,
damn if you're muscles and joints
aren't screaming
out for localized
anesthetic, or at
least something to
dull the pain.
Hmm. The last
time I was breathless, high, and
woozy, surrounded
by a bunch of other
breathless, high,
and woozy people
only to wake up the
following morning in tremendous pain
was on my twenty-first birthday, in a
cheap motel adjoining a little bar in
Redmond, Washington.
Well then. Here's to milestones and
physical fitness. Cheers. <clink>
-One of the most frightening things I've
ever been forced to consider in Jay Garcia
in spandex .-ed
j£* Av«J
With 75%
less fabric!*
Scfeuee T-SHfftrs,
n££0£S, SC/fA/Cf
md Scarce
Neutron Bombs
Trov w Chem
61€0. PRfGiS MRy
*Sciencc wear does not include Bikinis
Actual Fabric content may vary.
19 NOVEMBER 1997
Utter Lies.
(Straight From Your Prof.)
Andrew Martin
Compulsive tier
Through my 2 1/4 years at UBC I've
noticed some pretty noticeable patterns
in the behaviour of my profs. Most
notably in first week, they give you a lot
of advice. Let me set the record straight:
Advice for frosh (take advantage of it,
cause its all yer getting from me you little know nothing know-it-alls) follows in
big creamery lumps that will let you
decipher what the hell they are really
saying. For easy reference, I recommend
cutting out this list and taping it to your
Lie 1: "There is no such thing as a stupid question."
ing one of these stupid questions in an
artsie course could turn into an hour
long debate on whether Bert and Ernie
are 'just friends'.
Lie 2: "You will need to know this for
the exam."
__ Truth: This one
is the most obvious. Put a student
from Arts One into a biochem class, and
you'll find that there sure as hell is. For
this one the possibilities are limited only
by the imagination.There is always one
person in each class who will ask the stupidest question, make the most dumb-
assed comments, and generally annoy
the $#!%out of the entire class while trying to carry on a dialogue with the
teacher in an attempt to supplement
their pathetic social life. So don't take
this too far or soon you'll find yourself
dressing up especially for your anatomy
My own favorite (and the classic) way to
expose the teacher's little lie is to raise
my hand and ask why hot dogs come in
packs of 12 and hot dog buns come in
packs of 8. But be original. Warning: ask-
"I want you little buggers
to sweat your eyeballs out studying this
while I design essay questions about the
most irrelevant details of the course"
Every major concept of the year is never
on the test. Questions on finals seem to
be more concerned with the belly-button lint of the course rather than the
major subjects.
Lie 3: "You need to know how to
apply this."
Truth: You need to know this fact for
three months, then you can just outright
forget about it. Talk to any university
graduate and 95% of them will tell you
that they apply diddly squat of what
they learned in their 7 years here. What
can you apply from ecology to a job at
McDonald's anywho? (If I don't drop as
many burgers on the floor, the roach
population will...?)
Lie 3b: "You shouldn't need to memorize this"
Truth: How the
else are you ever going to know it
me &
Thursday, Nov. 20th
Chem425 (Grad Lounge)
Uve itrremMMiMTf
Lots o' wine and cheese!
Meet Your Profs!
Be There!
for the exam? Teachers seem to think
that we can pull facts and equations out
of thin air or something. Straight memorization is the only way to remember
Lie 4: "The exam will be comprehensive."
Truth: Comprehensive for me means
that I can actually comprehend the
freaking questions. I'm not sure what
constitutes "comprehensive" to the faculty, but it sure isn't what I think is.
There is a reason that the teachers who
pride themselves on 'comprehensive'
exam are often the ones who get the
lowest marks on their teacher evaluations.
Lie 5: "I must say I'm a little disa-
*5;/must say /'m   7T-
Truth: Okay, maybe you
haven't come up against this one yet. It
is the programmed reaction from a prof
after the chem midterm he/she gave
came back with a 30% average mark.
They are not disapointed, they are scared
that they're going to be fired for giving
an exam that they knew was too hard, so
they're going to try to crush your self
esteem so that you don't complain.
Lie 6: Don't depend on scaling
Truth: Looking at last year, 9 of ten of
my marks are on the borderline to the
next letter grade. A lot of 5's and O's
were all over my marks, sometimes on
the same line too.
Lie 7: "I am God."
#7:1 am God.
#6: Don't Depend
on scaling...
You prof is not God, no matter what
he/she says or does. The same goes for
Satan, Elvis, or Snap, Crackle and Pop.
Do not, under any circumstances sign
any form or petition that your prof gives
you, no matter how enticing their version of the afterlife sounds.
You see Teachers are a lot like politicians, they lie and um, um,
No, actually teachers ar like a pen, they
give marks and um,
Crap, forget it.
So now you know,
And knowing is half the battle!
(the other half is cool gory fighting)
-Wow. I think I've heard all of these things
from my Prof. But, tell me Andrew, what
does 'Jer, you'd benefit from a little special
tutoring' mean?
Public Announcement
As >}ou maV, haVe heard, >oJe yd\\\ once more be increasing our fares
for service between Vancouver Island and the Lo\Jer Mainland. \0e
•Oould like to take some time to eNplain the reasoning behind this
action to ^ou.
First, our marketing department has just released a stucty shoeing
that people stilt need to travel across Georgia Straight and that the
onty other option available to travellers is light aircraft. The last time
xiz checked, a Cessna couldn't carp? a tractor trailer.
Secondly, efforts b^ other fern} corporations to offer competition to
our services proCed to be ineffective once <«3e ran oVer all their catamarans.
So basically, >»Je'\>e got a monopoly and can charge whatever \iz
\Cant, and you'll still tine up to pa-y it! But it's not alt profit. Heck, \0e
pa^ $.05 on the doltar for fuel and cre-O \0ages. And this might go
up to $. 10 if the^ get that union their after, but vOe'Ve been making
the union reps >sJalk the plank, so it's pretty unlikely.
So stop ^our shining. I mean, -*>e could jack passenger fares to
$20, so be happ>} that 'cJe're onty charging $9 in the summer (vJhich
ys)\\\ be $ 10 b>} the time June rolls around. I can't belieVe ^ou people
keep falling for this split fare trick.)
"Because what are you going to do? Swim?"™
The Drawers of John
Edrick Yu
Aame Hamalainen
Public Relations Officer
As the final exams are approaching
(or perhaps a few midterms too), it
means that Christmas is coming
as well. As you may have noticed
already when you come into the Chem
building, there are posters about a Can
Food Contest. Yes, this contest is up and
running all the way until November
28th, and all you have to do is to bring
in a can of food (of more) and show it to
me. After that I will enter your name
into a draw, and every week, a number of
contestants will receive some wonderful
prizes. At 4:32 p.m. on November 28th
(supposedly the last clay of school), a
grand prize winner will be determined.
So if you want to win something nice
before you write your final exams, enter
the contest now. The earlier and the
more cans you bring, the better your
chance of winning. Meanwhile, I will
continue to replace missing posters
(thanks to Dan the Tutor and company)
with new ones. The poster war is on,
and that is the bottom line.
As far as the AMS is concerned, I have to
apologize to a lot of people for missing
the past three AMS meetings due to academic problems. Right now, after somehow managing to settle down and
already looking forward to the finals, I
will finally make it back to the meetings.
Speaking of the meetings, I have noticed
that as the APEC comes  closer,   The
Mikey Boetzkes
Ubyssey and other anti-APEC groups are
slamming harder and harder to the AMS
executives as well as AMS Council members. Well, for those who don't know,
here is the definition of "civil disobedience" according to Webster's Ninth New
Collegiate Dictionary: "refusal to obey
governmental demands or commands
esp. as a nonviolent and usually collective means of forcing concessions from
the government". I guess you can be the
judge in deciding whether the AMS
should support that or not. However, I
do want to say that I am actually quite
disturbed by the people who paint on
the campus ground. I feel equally
offended by the protestors who paint
stuff on the statue outside SUB. I do not
know whether it is called respect or
One final thing to say: If you have any
questions regarding the contest, you
should come down to the SUS office and
ask for me. I should be available most of
the time, and will be glad to answer your
questions. My personal goal for this can
food drive: 30 cans (which may be too
low for a big faculty like Science). So I
am expecting each and every single one
of you not to let me down by bringing
cans in. Feed the hungry ones this holiday season and you will be rewarded
with nice stuff.
Social Coordinator
OK, so I lied, I'm back and it's not
January. But I ask you how bad can it be.
After all it only means that I have been
spending more money and everyone
tells me that that is one of the things
that I do best.
Well this time to fulfill our room booking in the SUB we joined forces with 4 of
our clubs, namely Pre-Med, BPP, CSSS,
and PSA and joined up with the Ski Club
as well as ACF to put on a wicked bzzr
garden in the SUB Partyroom and
Ballroom last Friday. Why you ask did
we join up with those other clubs, well
it's because for the second year in a row
I've already gone through my budget for
the year by October. Well I mean what
are ya gonna do? This way we lose less
per bzzr garden than any other way. In
John Fournier
Internal Vice President
So I was hallucinating on a combination of crack and psilocybin the other
day when who walks up to me but Edna
Fitzgerald. She may 120 years old and
dead, but she certainly knows how to
please a man.
What does this have to do with my
executive office, you might ask? Nothing
as far as I figure, but I'm too drunk to
actually see the keyboard, so some
greater meaning might become apparent
once they hose me off in the drunk tank.
Speaking of drunk tanks, have you ever
been in one after a Friday night? They
don't just throw Drunk Guy A in with
Drunk Guy B, they actually figure out
how much they (don't) like you and put
you in the tank that will splash an
appropriate amount of vomit on you.
Not much aesthetically pleasing can be
committed about vomit, but it sure does
fact this one looks to cost us only about
I would just like to leave you all now
with a little piece of important advise.
Anytime that you are planning an event,
project or anything else where other
people are involved talk to them more
than a week in advance. If you don't
you'll run into a couple of problems
along the way with no time to fix them.
Ah but it is so much fun. Anyway many
thanx to all the clubs that helped out
and to Nick for letting us store our bzzr
in his fridge for the day and of course to
Russell breweries who make up so much
of each event.
-Yay Mikey!
Only $300!
keep you warm.
Anyway, the best time of year to stumble upon a patch of magic mushrooms is
now. Late October and early November
are the best times of year for getting
wacked out of your tree out in the middle of Peking nowhere. Take it from an
expert mushroom head, bring your load
back home before eating four or five
And when the little purple dragon is
chasing you around your house threatening to charbroil your spleen, hide in a
nice hot bath. The water will calm you
and protect you from the little pyroma-
niacal bastard. Until the serpent starts
nipping your genitals.
Director of Sports
League playoffs are here! I hope we
can come away with a few league
championships. Some teams
which did well during the regular season
are: Net Force(Volleyball)6-0,
Hypnotized(Vb)3-0, Atoms(Ice
Hockey)6-l, Sub Ducks(IH)5-0-2,
Chiefs(IH)4-0-3, Typhoons(IH)5-0-2,
Tecktites(Ultimate)7-0. The SUS teams
have done fairly well this year. The Math
Juggernaut finished at 3-2 and the
Bandicoots are currently 3-2.
Registration for term 2 teams is under
way, so make sure you get your teams in
fast before the league fills up. Set your
sights on joining a STORM THE WALL
Bella Carvalho
team, as it should be generously subsidized again this year.
To get a Sports Rebate for Term 1 you
must hand in a copy of the registration
form + receipt before Nov.28th. The
team has to be registered as a SUS team
and cannot default out of the league.
If you have any questions pis contact
As for the Unit Point standings Science
is currently in 2nd place behind Totem.
EUS and AUS are 6th and 7th respectively. Hah! Hah!
In the SUS Hockey Pool, Matsumur and
Jokerz are 1-2.
I've sent a challenge to the Engineers.
I've told them that I am untankable. And
I am.
There is no way that those drunken
idiots will ever lay their greasy red palms
on this bod. Not a chance.
Now, don't get me wrong. It's not like I
hate being tanked or anything. I mean,
getting stripped naked and tossed in a
vat of cold water by a bunch of pencil-
necked geeks can be a big turn-on in
It's just the principle of the thing. As the
intrepid and aloof President of the
Science Undergraduate Society, I must
maintain a certain image of power and
prestige. The best way to do this is to not
get tanked. And get very, very drunk.
Maybe if I were drunk I might have a
better chance of outrunning those engineering fools. Or perhaps outwitting
them, they aren't that bright as well as
not being overly aesthetically pleasing.
But on to more relevant business. Our
profitable Social Coordinator Mikey has
lost even more money on yet another
wicked bzzr garden. Not saying it was a
waste of time, far from it. I got really
drunk, stripped down and dance with
The Malchiks in my underwear. Or so I
was told. After that I don't remember
much, except for waking up somewhere
in Surrey without my pants. What a
On a sad note, the SUS office was broken into yet again. Missing this time was
my entire collection of X-files related
pornography. Some of this stuff is irreplaceable, so if anyone has seen a picture
of David Duchovny, naked with a sheep,
please let me know. There is a reward
(wink, wink, nudge, nudge).
Luv ya!
-I have the pictures, Bel. Well, truthfully, I
had the pictures. I sold them yesterday to a
guy at the comic shop.
UBC Microbiology Club
Beer Brewing Contest!
Wonder why beer costs so much? Think you can make the perfect beer?
Well, stop thinking, keep drinking, and...
For more info, contact
Winston Cheung at
Contest finishes
Science Week '98 PAGE EIGHT
19 NOVEMBER 1997
How to Become
King in Five Easy Steps.
"It's good to be king, if just for a while.
To be there in velvet; yeah, to give'em a
-Tom Petty
Tired of those useless how-to manuals from Sears? Ever wonder why
they don't make how-to manuals
for something useful like making PCP in
your bathroom, clear-cutting national
parks without getting caught, or taking
over the country and declaring yourself
Everyone has had dreams of power and
success. Ranging from high school prom
queen to Absolute Ruler of the Universe,
we've all dreamt of being the guy on top.
So why not make it happen? Becoming
king (or queen) is an easy project that
will fill the activity gap left in your life
after you stopped collecting stamps.
Here's what you need to do:
Step One: Amass legions.
Every good king needs someone to rule
over, the more the better. A good number would be 1-2 million people, with
anything over 5 million being a bonus.
Any decent do-it-yourselfer has the trust
of those who work with him or her.
Smile at everyone lots and don't let on
that you will lead many of them to their
deaths in step three.
So you will need a massive following.
Obviously, you aren't going to raise this
kind of manpower overnight with a petition. So start a religion.
Think about it: most major religions
have membership in the hundreds of
millions, if not billions. Even The
Moonies (a famed 1970s Oregon hippy
cult lead by the (in)famous Reverend
Moon) reached over 1 million enrolled
in only three years.
So get a divine cause. The more dramatic, the better. Go for flair and style. Wear
white, flowing robes and a fake beard.
Go around smiting people. Say 'thou' a
People will flock to your banner. Sign
the up. Get credit card numbers (this is
important for step two).
Step Two: Arm your masses.
In order to have any power as king, you
will need to overthrow the government.
This means rebellion. Rebellion means
that you will need weapons.
While history dictates that the main
weapons in most peasant uprisings are
pitch forks and big, pointy, sticks, the
development of the modern armour column has put an end to farmtools' effectiveness on the battlefield.
And don't start scavenging around your
workshop, either. You may recall many
horror movies using chainsaws and
other woodworking tools as weapons.
While these tools certainly scare the
bejeezus out of scantly clad teenagers,
they don't work so well against marines
or tanks.
You are going to need guns, lots of guns.
But rifles, cannons, bazookas, light
armour, fighters, bombers, submarines, a
destroyer, and—if possible—a nuclear
warhead or two. These items can be purchased at any Pentagon back-door arms
sales (usually held in the Middle East or
Central America). Just say Lt. Juan of the
Contras sent you. Yes, they take Visa (see
Step One).
Step Three: Rebel.
This is the simplest step to describe, yet
the hardest to accomplish. Don't get
careless, rebellion is very dangerous.
Many would-be monarchies fail here.
Pay attention and wear safety goggles.
You will be fighting a professional army
of highly-trained soldiers. The key to victory is to catch them off-guard. Start the
rebellion on Christmas Sunday. The
majority of soldiers will be at home with
their families. They will fell reluctant to
go to work until after New Year's Eve.
An added bonus is that the heavy
Christmas snowfall will create harsh
warring conditions. Buy your army
white winter coats at Eaton's (look for
good sales after Thanksgiving). Train
your army for winter combat. Don't
overlook the tactical effectiveness of a
good old-fashioned facewash.
Step Four: Create a
socio-political vacuum.
So you've conquered the nation. Now
what? You declare yourself king and
merrily go about ruling with divine
power, right? Wrong.
The country you now control used to be
a democracy. People like democracies.
They will not submit to you as monarch
as long as they can remember "the good
old days." A socio-political vacuum (aka
lack of government) will create years of
anarchy and economic downfall, making the people want a government, any
government.   Enjoy the  chaos  for  a
while, make some extra spending cash
by selling any left-over armaments from
step three. Just remember to keep the
nukes for yourself.
After a few years of constant war a few
isolated city-states will pop up, when
this happens the country is ready to be
controlled. Step in and fill the void.
Step Five: Declare yourself king.
Have a big coronation ceremony. Wear
lots of velvet. Broadcast it nationwide.
Tell people that their "New Age of
Enlightenment" is upon them. But
remember: rule as a fair and just king.
Unhappy subjects are apt to take the
words of "How to become Prime
Minister in Five Easy Steps" to heart.
Remember to keep your royal family
reigned in tight. People hate it when
Princess So-and-so keeps running off
with movie stars, or Prince What's-his-
name's ears are way too big compared to
the rest of his royal head, or the Queen
keeps out of the public spotlight.
Re-invent the chastity belt, force
Chucky to have corrective surgery, and
keep making public appearances.
So there you have it: the second quickest way to become a monarch (the quickest is to be born into a royal family). So
easy almost anyone could do it.
Certainly easier than building a porch
according to Sears.
-John Hallett was formerly the King of a
small European country, tucked just under
Latvia. He was overthrown in '87 by a
group of anarchists known collectively as
'Ted.' -ed
and now...
A Public Safety Announcement
from the UBC RCMP
During the upcoming APEC Conference, the Royal
Canadian Mounted Police will be placing sniper
squads on strategic rooftops around campus.
Quite likely, these squads will have you in their sights
at one point or another during this week, so we'd like
to present you with a list of useful hints that will
hopefully help you avoid getting shot.
Act normal. We're not sure quite what normal is yet,
but you'd better be it by APEC, because every non-
normal person will be shot.
Don't put your hands in your pockets for any reason.
We don't care how cold it gets during the week. If
you get a chill, go inside, but try to not look suspicious while doing it.
Try not to move too fast. Running people will be very
suspect. If you're late for a class, skip it.
Don't drive anywhere. We spent a lot of time closing
down roads and don't need you screwing it up. While
this isn't a big security threat, we have authorization
to kill and some of the guys have been a bit edgy
since that whole Somalia thing.
Do not, we repeat, do not protest. If you carry a placard, we'll dot your 'I's for you. Mr. Bill doesn't like a
lot of public attention and has told us to neutralize
any protesters.
Don't wear a backpack. You never know what's in
those things.
Don't wear baggy clothes. You'd be suprised how easily and often those skater punks have shotguns in
their pants.
Don't stay home. You might be building bombs. We
know where you live.
In fact, you might as well just stand there. It would
be helpful if you didn't breath.


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