UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Oct 31, 1990

Item Metadata


JSON: the432-1.0000794.json
JSON-LD: the432-1.0000794-ld.json
RDF/XML (Pretty): the432-1.0000794-rdf.xml
RDF/JSON: the432-1.0000794-rdf.json
Turtle: the432-1.0000794-turtle.txt
N-Triples: the432-1.0000794-rdf-ntriples.txt
Original Record: the432-1.0000794-source.json
Full Text

Full Text

 UBC Archive* Serial
C ^
Special CoiiQQti
. --G
^CAACa q
Ivt      H«.'  /
4 (/
•W Q* A
{       G^\^A
6\ v^
Volume 4, Niimber 5   The Newspaper for Science Students   Wednesday, Oct. 31,1990
Vampires, Hallowe'en, and History
A Caricature Is Born Where Two Legends Meet
" 'The very place, where he have been
alive, Un-Deadfor all these centuries, is
full of strangeness of the geologic and
chemical world. There are deep caverns
andfissures that reach none know whither.
There have been volcanoes, some of whose
openings still send out waters of strange
properties, and gases that kill or make to
-Bram Stoker, Dracula
The vampire my th has been with humanity, in at least some form, as far back as
ancient Greece, where but a single legend
bore reference to beings which feasted on
blood. Still, the primitive similarities to
the my thos developing in Liter, mediaeval
Europe, is striking. Werewolves, bats,
and eternal fog surround the Transylva-
nian creature; he shuns garlic, mirrors,
running water, and all things holy. He can
pass through any portal which has once
been opened to him, unless it is sealed by
sacred means.
But whence came this development? Why should Vladislav IV, called
Dracula, of Transylvania be immortalized as such a monster? And why on earth
are kids encouraged to dress up as vampires and meander about the neighbourhood scouting for chocolate?
Vlad, to start with, was not a very
nice man. Dracula means "son of the
demon;" and indeed, his tyrannical father
had gone under the nomer Dracul; for
himself, however, he earned the separate
title of the Impaler. His rule was vicious
and dictatorial, his people cowed into
submission as if governed by a hypochondriac with achainsaw. When he died,
the barren lands began their trek into
Death is a funny thing, and all
religions struggle to explain it, either
through afterlife, reincarnation, denial of
the soul, or other, more bizarre methods.
The notion of a non-death, a condition
where one's husk of a body lives on after
the death of one's soul, keeping the soul
back from its true desserts, is fundamental to that of vampirism. The opposite of
a transcendental state, where the soul has
escaped the confines of the body, this
walking damnation ties together all forms
of imprisoned souls.
Letitsuffice to say thatnoneknow
what marks the fundamental difference
between a body with active brain and
beating heart, and the same shell an instant later, its heart still, its mind silent,
and its loss grieved. In the myth of vampires, the fleeing soul would traverse its
Divine Comedic path, unless some power
halted it
The bastard offspring of bastard
parents were doomed to become vampires after death, as were werewolves and
heretics. Vlad fit the third category (and,
some said, the second): so his spirit was
said to roam the lands, leeching the life-
blood from his countrymen. Like a witch,
he could not cross running water; like a
werewolf, he could change shape at will.
Like a wraith, his nocturnal body could
not abide direct sunlight All these attributes combined with those life-sapping
abilities peculiar to vampirism, and myth
(Not all vampires are male, of
course: but females are farther between.
Anyone killed by a vampire's attentions
would become a vaimpire of the next generation; male vampires thus tended to
engender females and vice versa. Despite
Flood of Photocopies
Endangers Several
The nearly overwhelming barrage of
entries to last issue's 432 contest practically threatened to approach overflow of
some of the SUS office last week. President Catherine Rankel might have said,
"Whew!" in response had the influx been
significantly greater.
As it was, 18 photocopied entries
arrived in the tray, and the winner is one
Captain Physiology by name, for his epic
78-page flip book. Captain Physiology at
the Australian Open. Mr. Physiology wins
a Body Parts kit from the UBC Bookstore, with which to do what he will.
Second prize, a pair of Science
sweatpants, is to be had by Kathleen
Moore for her replica of a large cluster of
paper clips and a Brachs' Toffee, entitled, "Feeding Time." And to Elaine
Wong, for her third-place portrait of a
glove, a calculator, two quarters, some
keys, a cassette, a beer ad, and several
other fascinating-looking but less readily
identifiable items, goes a Science T-Shirt.
This issue's new contest is announced on page 6. Deadline for entries is
the Wednesday, November 7th. Results,
as always, next issue.
a vague hideousness common to all Un-
Dead, the vampire is extraordinarily
beautiful to her or his victim, the jugular
kiss an erotic fantasy. Already the soul is
being compromised to the evil forces
whose sport it has become.)
Thus in the East; and eventually,
this version of vampirism became the
dominant telling of the myth, especially
with the publication of Dracula in 1897.
In the West, meanwhile, an utterly unrelated tradition was gradually developing:
that of Hallowe'en.
As it had transformed the winter
solstice festival, Saturnalia, into Christmas, and a Celtic celebration of the vernal
moon into Easter, the Roman Catholic
Church fastened upon a mid-May traditional Celtic ritual feast during the seventh century. Continuing its unswerving
effort to convert as many people to the
Light with as little pain as possible, it
declared May 13th to be All Hallows'
Day, a feast to all the saints.
Continued on page 5...
The 432 Guide to Chocolate
Yes, as magazines galore, newspapers
aplenty, drugstores by the dozen and
friends in bulk cannot possibly have failed
to remind you, it's that time of year again.
Hallowe'en. And to help celebrate the
true meaning of Hallowe'en, The 432 is
thrilled to present to you another meticulously researched, guaranteedly accurate
survey. Here, then, are the creme de la
creme, the nougat du nougat, the ten most
fabulous chocolate bars available:
#1 — Toblerone This Swiss
delicacy comes in Milk, Dark, White, and
Bittersweet Chocolate. Stuffed with some
sort of nut, the triangular segments are
not that difficult to break off individually
and offer to your friends, impressing the
dickens out of them with your fine, Continental tastes. A large Toblerone can last
anywhere from a minute and a half to
over a week, depending on one's mood.
#2 — Mars This thick, gooey
bar is nearly impossible to extricate from
one's hair, but if care is taken to store it far
from the shampoo, such is not a problem.
The Mars bar has a different recipe depending which country one is in: continental European Mais bars contain a touch
of mint, slightly more in the German than
the French, while American Mars bars
are the bitterest available. The Canadian
recipe, midway between the German and
the American in sweetness but without
the mint, was recently scrapped; however, dialing 1-800-MARS will no/reach
a toll-free bring-back-the-old-flavour
answering-machine hotline.
#3—KitKat Individual wafers
make this bar another great friend-keeper.
Unlike Toblerone, though, most elementary schoolkids have heard of Kit Kat
hence affecting a posh accent and dealing
these out in a crowded room will generally not impress people. Kit Kat commercials are also misleading: those who
munch one of these bars and expect the
flow of time to develop an abrupt anomaly will be sorely disappointed, and likely
feel they've wasted their 750. Nevertheless, Kit Kat is a fine candy bar at an only
slightly generic price.
#4 — Crispy Crunch Yet another perpetrator of misleading advertising — in fact most Crispy Crunch eaters
have brown hair—this treat also tends to
frighten small children. After all, when
one is losing one's teeth, no incentive
from the tooth fairy is going to make one
risk premature dental fallout just over
biting through one lousy chocolate bar.
With the onset of adolescence, however,
and the accompanying pride in the ability
of one's enamel, people return in flocks
to its crispy sensibilities.
Continued on page 5...
In This Issue...
Editorial .....2
Halloween Reveries 3
That's Trivial! .....4
Dik Miller, P.I 6
New Contest 6
Senate Shorts 6
AMS Briefs ...7
Drawers of SUS..... 7
Practice Midterms 7
Beyond Chicklets......... 8
Paper Monster 8
The 432
October 31,1990 •**"i*(..
Editorial: Monday
by David W. New
"And God called the light Day, and the
darkness he called Night. And the
evening and the morning were the first
-Genesis 1:5
Judeo-Christian religion holds that the
universe was created on a Monday.
Before that fateful evening, it seems all
of existence was hydrogen monoxide;
the first Day of Creation saw the advent
of photons. Eventually, of course, came
the Seventh Day, the Sabbath, and the
notion of keeping it holy, coupled with
that of the five-day work week, guaranteed that the creation of the universe
would one day be celebrated by the
millionfold ritual of dragging oneself
out of bed, splashing coffee, tea, Coke,
or other caf f einated substance on one's
beleaguered face, and stumbling
through a facade of wakefulness called
Oddly, given the Hebrew lore
of a seven-day week in which the Moon
doesn't make an entrance until Thursday, Monday is named after that celestial body in almost every European
language: lundi—lune-di; Montag —
Mond-Tag; the rest of the days are
named either after Roman god(desse)s
or their Norse equivalents. Friday, for
instance, comes from Frieda, as Venus
leads to vendredi; Saturday arises
directly from Saturn. (That's not to say
that the correspondence is exact:
Wednesday is Wodin's, yet jeudi,
Thursday, is Jove's; Thor, meanwhile, is
Mars — who governs mardi, Tuesday.)
An exact correspondence comes
when one applies the days of the week to
the seven planets. The ancients were big
on sevens: they saw them everywhere.
The Sun, the Moon, Mars, Mercury,
Jupiter, Venus, and Saturn formed one
such ancient septet... and here comes the
tricky part
Take the 168 hours which make
up a week, and map them out in a 24 x 7
grid, so the days are separated. Then take
the seven planets, and arrange them in
order of increasing speed across the sky:
the Moon is slowest, then Saturn, Jupiter,
Mars, the Sun, Venus, and Mercury. Now.
Assign each planet in turn one hour,
repeating the list twenty-four times, so
the Moon governs from midnight to
1:00am, again from 7:00am to 8:00am,
and so on on Monday, and somewhat
different times in the rest of the week.
Hey presto — the midnight-to-
1:00am planet each and every day, is the
one the day is named after. No matter
which pantheon you name the planets
after; no matter whatelse the gods govern.
Note that already, even in pre-
Christian, classical times, Monday began
the week. It seems to be achronic ailment.
"The silicon chip inside her head
Is switched to overload."
-Bob Geldof
By the time a student reaches her twentieth
birthday, she's lived through over a
thousand Mondays. Now, most events,
when you've been through them over a
thousand times, become manageable,
trivial, and commonplace. So why are
Mondays such inescapable ordeals?
Perhaps it's societal. Our upbringing is a commercial one, wherein Blue
Collar families with two point seven
children grunt in disgust at the coming
work week, while White Collar adults
with only one point nine kids sip glum
cappucino and drift zombielike to the car
phone. Everyone, but everyone feels
horrid on a Monday, so why don't you?
That's right it's a peer pressure
schtick, and like most peer pressure
schticks, it's trying to argue you into
feeling lousy. ("Here, try this cigarette.
You won't cough, you won't get cancer,
you won't suffer withdrawal. Honest")
Ideally, you should be able to just snap
out of it and live through your mornings
wide awake.
The trouble with this explanation
is that however hard you try to believe it
at 7:30 in the morning, standing outside
Tortellini's in the brisk air and wondering
what possessed you to get to campus
three hours before your first class, you'll
still fall asleep again by eight, and you'll
still stumble through your 10:30 class in
a sorry haze, and your notes for the day
will still look like an advanced exercise in
cuneiform hieroglyphics.
The five-day-on, two-day-off
schedule of rote life isn't at fault either
— when Friday's been a holiday,
Monday is usually even worse than
normal. Another answer is needed, and
needed before the tea runs out.
Maybe it's genetic. Perhaps
humans have an inbred need to rebel
against consciousness one day out of
every seven, and that happens to fall on
Monday. If it landed on Sunday, we
mightbeasanerrace: sure, people would
sleep through brunch every chance they
mechanics awake.
(Digression: Way back when,
when the Julian calendar was replaced
by the Gregorian, ten days were
arbitrarily declared to have already
passed. Landlords galore cheated their
tenants by charging them a full month's
rent; irate peasants marched in protest
marches against the aristocratic
doughheads who had stolen ten perfectly good days of their lives. So did
the day of the week jump from Saturday
to Wednesday as well, or just move on
as normal?)
(Yes, I've been wondering for a
while. No, I'm not obsessed with trivia.
Well, not totally. Not so I don't have a
social life. I mean, there's offer reasons
for that.)
But regardless of our wills,
unheeding of our desires, Mondays shall
remain, and it seems that any attempt to
rid one's life of them only succeeds in
fouling up Thursdays and alternate
weekends. Such is life, don't you know.
Happy Monday.
Letters to the Editor     The Academics
Dear Editor,
As a math professor, I thought I might
respond (react violently?) to Aaron
Drake' s article wherein he mentions being
surprised that a professor talked to him.
Tell me something Aaron, have you ever
walked into a room of 30 or more strangers, broken into groups of two or three,
and tried to strike up a conversation?
Nowimagine they're all 15 years younger
than you, so that as 5-year-olds, they'll all
yawn with boredom when you talk about
your favorite topics, say cold beer, hot
cars and lukewarm members of the opposite sex in your case. (I suppose they
might get animated about your studying
habits, since all the 2-year-olds I know
love running around without clothes on.)
Now you have a rough idea of
how easy it is for a prof to talk to the
students in a classroom. Of course, even
profs who talk to one student per class
only get through half the class before
term ends. The point of this paragraph
(for all you budding young English instructors who insist on a point to each
paragraph but wouldn't recognize one of
it put a twinkie in your mouth) is, if you
want to talk to your prof, Tuum Est.
In the next paragraph, Aaron attributes his good fortune to sitting in the
front row, because "you earn the professor's respect when you sit in the front
row." What nonsense. Where did you
learn to read professors' minds? Have
you been spending too much time down
on Fourth Avenue amongst the palm
readers? And I thought you were a physics student.
I've always had more respect for
the back row brigade having been a part
of it myself. (Yes, I too was once an
undergraduate, at this same august institution no less.) A professor's respect is
much more readily obtained by asking an
intelligent question, or even any question
not about whats on the exam or how the
marking scheme works. In fact, any indication at all that you actually want to
learn something, rather than get good
grades as a ticket to a high-paying job,
may well produce an overwhelming flow
of respect, gratitude and daily conversation. I know, I know, that would interrupt
your doodling, airplane folding and napping. By the way, the fact that light travels faster and farther than sound (Do they
still teach that in physics?) guarantees
that if you can hear your prof from the
back row, she can see you.
So make my day. Drop round my
office and ask me a question about some
math problem which has come up in a
non-math course. Butbe prepared to work
together on it, since you'll find me appallingly ignorant of anything but math.
Who knows, we might both have fun
learning something.
John Klippenstein
Mathematics Dept.
-by Caireen Hanert-
The Academics Committee is once again
here to serve your needs. Our primary
responsibilities are giving out the Teaching Excellence Award, compiling the
Black and Blue Review, and dealing with
any academic concerns of the Science
Undergraduate population.
Have a complaint about a prof or
an unfair exam? Come see us and we'll
try to help you. Meetings are 5:30pm
every Tuesday in SUS (CHEM 160). All
Science students are welcome to attend.
This year, surveys for the Black
and Blue Review will be distributed during both terms to obtain a better sampling
of classes and profs. If you'd like to fill
one out, pick one up in CHEM 160.
The distribution of the Black and
Blue will coincide with the Teaching
Excellence Award nominations. Have a
reasonable and understanding prof?
Nominate him/her for the T.E.A.! Forms
are available in SUS.
Available now at Science Sales, room CHEM 160!
SUS Aghast at
Election Results
The Great 1990 Year and Departmental
Rep By-Election continued to loom. All
involved drew involuntary breaths of
panic at the imminent vote. Posters arose,
emotions flew hot, pollsters volunteered.
Finally the day arrived. Slowly,
gradually, like the trickle in the wall of
the submarine, students marched on the
booth and demanded to vote.
The hours drew on, and the polling day came to a close. The Elections
Commissioner retreated to her study to
count the ballots, escorted by scrutineers
of every shape and size. But when at last
the companions emerged from their ordeal, the results were still incomplete.
For the Third Year Rep vote was
still in recounts. And will be until just
after this paper comes out Ah well.
Chemistry Aileen Ablog
Biology...Giovanna Vassone
Biochemistry, Pharmacology & Physiology Club
Friday, November 2nd, 1990
4:30-8:00 PM
SUB 207/209
BZZR $ 1.00 CZDER $ 1.25
The 432
October 31,1990 Computer Science
Come talk to Anthon in
Computer Science Room 203 A
if you would like to order a jacket.
100% Cotton
$ 10.00 to members     $ 12.00 to non-members
Available now — limited quantity
Psst... Wanna be a Responsible Adult?
Then apply for SUS Academics Coordinator! We offer free
Responsibility Training through our unique step-by-step program.
First, you'll be partially responsible for the Teaching Excellence
Award. Then you'll be totally responsible for handing it to the
winning professor. And finally, you'll be mostly responsible for the
Black & Blue Review. At the end of the year, why, you'll be a fully
qualified Responsible Adult! Sogiveitatry! You'11 be glad you did.
Don't get left out. This limited edition of the year's best seller
is going quickly. There are hundreds of 2-for-1 and 50%
offers to enjoy for a full year of food, fun and travel.
Available now at Science Sales, room Chem 160!
Happy Halloweenie
My fondest
memories of
around candy. My candy
was always
poisoned or
stuffed with needles. That's what my
mother told me:
Mother: Aaron, give me that candy
bar. I've got to check it for razor
Aaron (looking at candy bar closely):
I don't see any razor blades.
Mother: They 're invisible. Give it here.
Mother: CHOMP!
Aaron: Hey!
Mother: Nope — no razor blades in
this one either. Better check
My fondest memories revolved around
Tabatha Lucier, the Local Babe. Ta-
batha was the dream of every fifth-
grader in our elementary school. Once,
she came trick-or-treating with me. I
can't even begin to describe the sexual
tension in the air that night. I ended up
giving her all my candy bars. When I
got home, mom was furious that I ate
all the candy bars before she could
check for invisible razor blades and
grounded me for a week. I didn't care.
I Loved Tabatha.
The funny part was that Tabatha was shaped like a pear. The more
I think about ii, there was not that much
about her that was attractive So why
was she the grade five sex symbol? The
best I can figure is that we were all discovering our genitals back then, and
had no real idea what sexuality was.
There we were, the entire grade five class,
walking around with quizzical looks,
staring at our crotches, labels on our
foreheads — Unclear On The Concept.
Grade five is the point where little
boys start to wake up in the morning with
Something Unusual Down There. When
it first happened to me, I thought I had
been sleepwalking and had banged it
against the kitchen counter. Itdidn'thurt,
but it was a little swollen. But when it
happened a few more times, I knew
something was amiss. I was worried —
even though I got this sorta-neato feeling
if I rolled onto my stomach — was this
the first symptom of Cooties? (Cooties,
by the way was the disfiguring disease
you got if you were Touched By The
Person Who By General Consensus Was
Disliked.) I went to ask my friends:
Me (describing in a scientific fashion):
It sorta kiinda was bigger and
flopped about
Hugh Freeman (who beat me up the
year before, but I beat him up
this year, and he wouldn' t admit
it): You dummy! Yougotastiffy!
Boy, are you a dum-dum!
Me:    I know you are but what am I?
Hugh: Aaron had a stiffy and didn't
know what it was! Hey! You're
still a VIRGIN!
Me:    Huh? Me? I DONE IT lots!
Hugh: Oh yah, you gunkhead! Who did
you DO IT to?
Me:   Who? I  DID IT to  ... Lisa
Hugh: Who? Take your hand away from
your mouth.
Me:    LisaJenkins. You don't know her.
I DID IT at summer camp.
Hugh: Yah right! You're a liar-poop!
Me:    I know you are but what am I?
Hugh: You're a liar-poop!
Me:    I know you are but what am I?
Hugh: A liar-poop.
Me:    I know you are but what am I?
Hugh: A real cool guy.
Me:    I know I am but what are you?
Hugh: (hits Aaron)
It was Mr. Bando, our teacher, that really
messed our heads up. He taught us the
compulsory watered-down sex education,
which confused the heck out of us. So we
knew that we were supposed to be out
there procreating and we knew that we
needed something called a condom, but
he never really explained what a condom
was. For the next two years, I had this
picture of a small dot a few millimeters in
diameter that we glued to our penis so we
wouldn't Get Girls Pregnant And Destroy Their Lives. Of course, they never
told us what we were supposed to do with
our penises to Get Girls Pregnant And
Destroy Their Lives. Closest we could
figure (from our discussions in the tree-
fort in the bushes beside my house where
we would light cigarettes and try not to
throw up) was that if you got naked and
stood within a critical radius of the girl, it
would happen.
I never got anywhere with Tabatha, whom we had assigned the virtue
of sexiness by the fact that she was 'going
around' with the toughest kid in school,
Duane Thompson. We were sure that
Duane and Tabatha Did It all the time. In
my head I had this picture of Tabatha and
Duane standing naked together, facing
each other, holding hands. To me, that
was Doing It. How I wished I could hold
hands with Tabatha while I was naked
and Do It
I never got the sexy girl, but I
did wind up with the Unsexy girl, Julie
Hogarth., whom I usually scrapped with.
We stood together naked, one afternoon in the bushes by my place and
heldhands together. It wasn'tthat great
and it definitely wasn't worth the agonizing for the next few days over
whether or not I had Got A Girl Pregnant And Ruined Her Life.
I also discovered hickies that
afternoon. Hickies are the Instrument
Of Satan. What is so damned sexy
about sucking up blood clots? The only
purpose they can serve is to mark unsuspecting fifth graders so that they
can be the target of ridicule by their
friends. Julie Hogarth happily showed
her hickies (note the plural — I was
having so much fun creating massive
welts on her neck that I had to do four
or five. In the end she looked like she
was wearing a peach-pit necklace) to
everyone at school. You want an effective method of birth control? How about
a fifth grade class laughing at you? You
won't want to hold hands naked for
years after.
Eventually, of course, I got it
right. But the scars from the trials of
grade five are still there. I still get that
funny feeling, whenever I roll over,
and I can't help but panic for a fleeting
instant thinking I had been sleep walking. And I never really lost that muddled,
unsure feeling of vaguery. I just translated it over to my schoolwork.
Happy Halloween. It's so
damned sensual.
Aaron Drake precisely fits the description given in several obscure scriptures of the fabled Imminent Antikurt.
The 432
October 31,1990 The 432
Volume 4, Number 5
October 31,1990
Editor:      David W. New
Writers:    Aaron C. Drake
Trent Hammer
Caireen Hanert
Sean Kelly
Orvin Lau
Philip Ledwith
Derek K. Miller
Shiva Mojtabavi
David W. New
Cathy Rankel
Tanya Rose
Elaine Wong
Artists:     Cesare Battista
Mike Jackson
Patrick Redding
Pick-Up:   Erik Jensen
Printed at College Printers.
Area: 9.652 x 10"1 nr.
Multiplicity: 3600.
Frequency: 8.267 x 107 Hz.
Average printing speed:
2.873 x 10-3 m2/s
No! The 432 is not named
after three of the last words
spoken before Voyager II
lifted off— but you're half
right, because "duck" is the
Word of the Day down here
at the UBC Science Undergraduate Society. Celebrate
by chanting with me that
Name's-Given; Glory Be.
Deadline for submissions:
Wednesday, November 7
Next issue: November 14
The Return of Dan Quayle
(elusive little devil that he is)
Our Nifty Regular Features
And much, much more!
Did you know that through
the mindnumbingly simple
feat of coming to CHEM
160 some Tuesday at 1:30,
you too could be a 432
staffer?I thought not.
The SUS News Council
consists of Aaron Drake,
Don Hitchen, Erik Jensen,
Dave New, Antonia
Rozario, Jason Russell, and
Elaine Wong. Blame them.
The Computer Science Students Society
and the Department of Computer Science, UBC
The Official Opening of Rick's Apollo Lab
and Bgjta BASH.
Free BEM*
Free CI
Free CO
Thursday November 8,1990
(this time Friday is a Hobday!!!)
Lab Opening Ceremony at 3:30 PM
(Computer Sdence room 203)
B-R BLAST from 4:30PM to 9:00PM
(Computer Science room 300)
* Free stuff is available
(naturally) in limited
quantity only. First conu
first serve. Afterwards,
the stuff is just CHEAP
(not free).
It's been around for years, and
will be for many more to come)
and it's all at the
UBC Bookstore
University Blvd.* 228-4741
Biochemistry, Pharmacology & Physiology Club
has old Physiology 301 exams from
December 1986
April 1988
December 1988
April 1990
April 1987
December 1987
April 1989
December 1989
with answers!
The first amazing opportunity to buy these will be
Friday November 2nd, at the Bzzr Garden advertised two pages ago. Free liquid with each exam!
(Members only.)
That's Trivial!
-by Tanya Rose-
Hello again! This week's topic is great
quotes by great people. Try and guess
who said the following quotes. Good
1-10: Easy— 1 point
1. God does not throw dice.
2. I think therefore I am.
3. Eureka!
4. Earlytobedandearlytorisemakes
a man healthy, wealthy and wise.
5. I'll be back.
6. Do you feel lucky, punk?
7. Read my lips.
8. I shall return.
9. Try to be nice to three women
every day.
10. Good griefi
11-15: Medium — 2 points
11. There is no royal road to learning.
12. I am a jelly doughnut!
13. How do I work? I grope.
14. If I have seen farther than Descartes, it is by standing on the
shoulders of giants.
15. But it does move.
16-20: Hard —3 points
16. Ubi materia, ibi geometria.
17. Basic research is what I am doing
when I don't know what I am
18. Science knows no country.
19. In questions of science, the authority of thousands is not worth
the humble reasoning of a single
20. Research is only ten percent inspiration and ninety percent perspiration.
Bonus Question (5 points): Watch me.
Term II Registration for Ball
Hockey, Ice Hockey, and
Volleyball starts in November. If you want to put a team
together, or get on a team, go
to your departmental club
office or come to CHEM 160
and sign up! (Or register at
the Intramurals office.
They're in room SUB 66.)
New for Term II
-on all events!
1Octlir31,ip0 Classifieds
Help Wanted
landmark Psychology/English Literature
experiment Apply to Box Aieph, Kenny
POSTAL WORKERS for Science Intramurals teams. Sign up at SUS or your
departmental club office—1st term events
get 30% rebate, 2nd term events get 50%.
OWN A CAMERA? Get cheap thrills and
fawning admirers — be a 432 staff photographer! Supplications accepted daily in
CHEM 160.
SLAVES to reupholster the Pyramids.
Contact Rameses Jones at Box 501, this
GOALIE. Please. Call Rachel at 228-4235.
WANTED: People from all walks of life to
go beer-garden-hopping every Friday.Meet
in the AMS offices at 2:30 Friday afternoon, or check room SUB 250 for an agenda.
Meetings organized by Diverse Relations
in Undergraduate Notorious Kinship
We can help ease the pain of withdrawal.
Call 228-3116 and ask for someone from
the Hearts squad.
TO OUR SPECIAL FRIEND: We congratulate you or your 27th birthday (omi-
god that's OLD!) and we hope that you're
around for at legist two more perfect cube
birthdays!! We Hove you, AH
GODOT: Where were you? I waited all
week. I've headed on home to catch up on
Saturday's Twin Peaks episode. Call me.
MORTIMER: The time grows imminent
and nigh! See now the Ewoks glow in fuzzy
bioluminescence. Remember the avocado
rations.  -Sven
STAGEY F.:  See "Events." -Don.
For Sale
LIONS GATE BRIDGE. Cheap, attractive, well-lit site, close to woods, convenient
for commuting. Centre lane extra. Contact
Box 502, this paper.
LOTS OF NEAT STUFF at Science Sales,
including sweatshirts, sweatpants, and
sweaters of all description, not to mention
T-shirts, jackets, and boxer shorts. Call
228-4235 and ask for Dean, or come by
CHEM 160 and gawk.
L'Incroyable Thrud
GOttFuers. ONeoFTMe
oldest tools f*>R such
i£T«e&wofco. iris
ACS© orte OF "rue Mosr
: liTftAUSFeftBED sraeMTHe-
- AC* op iwe- twots> eeafcsi
T&Avees iwn etxse. -mis
SuPneiewTTo jevos. iwree-
-       AGAIN'
In Memory"
of a Friend
-by Shiva Mfcjjtabavi-
AUwhotoewbim Ukedand respected
him. Misname was Bapu Annamalal.
Science student
He had bees in Canada for
only 7 weeks, and had charmed the
people h$ mu w$i his sense of ha*
tnrjBr, his drive, and his energy.
Be wasa fnerd But bow iw
of as knew what he really felt inside?
I came across a poem &«ce,
Perhaps it explains:
TJie,ffiangfo<rof the Tire,
I sit by the roadside.
Thedfiver dwjges Ui^ tite,
I doa'iHke where 1 have coate from,
I don't like where I ana going.
Why dot wmfo tlujthaagbtg of thfe
tire, with imptience?
Ob Tharsday, Octtfter 4, the sea
brought his dead body into sfeftrs, To
mostpeopie,Bapa will jastbeanolher
statbtic, or just another unsolved, unanswerable dead*. To some of y ou he
will Mm be just one fewer face in a j
crowded, large, impersonal place like
Maybe the death of a peer really ouJy matters yfasA ft tapper to
someone you know,
v Hope that it doesn't
—■■■■mi *    ■■    r i    «■#»■
Chocolate: Bacteria Won't
Touch It; Why Should You?
Continued from page 1...
#5 — O Henry The subject of
more puns than any other chocolate bar,
O Henry also has the best mass-per-cost
ratio on the market Whether the author
for whom it's named knew or cared about
its existence is not recorded; nevertheless, the reputation of the archetypal Big
Chunk Of Fudge has overshadowed —
indeed, hounded into veritable obscurity
— much of its lesser competition. A
cylindrical cutaway of this bar looks
positively disgusting, and all readers are
heartily discouraged from the attempt
#6—Gotschnasteine Nothing,
including the whereabouts or correct
spelling, is known of this chocolate bar.
That's right: nothing at all. Sorry.
#7 — Peanut Butter Snickers
Here, at least the whereabouts are known;
unfortunately, tiiat location is the States.
Sorrowfully unexported, Peanut Butter
Snickers have been genetically engineered
for the traitof sticking to theroof of one's
mouth, and succeed so admirably as to
defy both belief and speech. Research is
continuing as to whether these constitute
a cure for cancer of the bone marrow;
prospects, however, seem bleak.
#8 — Twix From the moment
one bites into a Twix, one is struck by the
sensation that ah, here is a chocolate bar
with ingredients. But the thrill is not to be
destroyed so soon: for no sooner has one
finished the bar than one realizes that the
package contains a second of identical
size, shape, and constituents. To chocolate bars what Panagopoulos is to pizza,
Twix has perfected the art of segmentation to the extent that the user need do no
work whatever beyond the simple opening of the wrap.
#9 — Hershey with Almonds
First there was Hershey: a bar of chocolate. Then, there was Hershey with Almonds: a bar of chocolate with almonds.
The precisely descriptive nature of its
name propels this bar well beyond the
ranks of Mirage and Tootsie Roll into the
big time. Ubiquitous, convenient and
easily munched, Hershey with Almonds
is a sure relief for those lengthy afternoons when you'd kill for a hunk of
chocolate with nuts in it
#10 — York One of very few
bars of which Dairy Queen has not yet
made a Blizzard, York is known by its
distinctive large chunks of solid chocolate. Prospective buyers must be careful
of their chocolate storage temperature:
frozen Yorks, being the thick, tombstonelike slabs that they are, tend to hurt when
impacting one's body at high velocities;
likewise, when melted, these chocolates
contain no mollifying kibbles of nut or
caramel to reduce the viscosity. Aside
from that consideration, though, York is
a good bar.
Keep the faith: happy eating.
Continued from page I...
A century later, All Hallows' was
moved to November 1st, making the
sunset of October 31st the start of All
Hallows' Eve. This night, ran the legend,
all the evil spirits, the descendants of
Cain, would roam the land, their last
opportunity before the cleansing saints
appeared at dawn.
Naturally, most people remained
shut up inside, the night of October 31st
Slowly, the myth developed. By
the eighteenth century, people would roam
from house to house in odd costumes, and
making food offerings to ward off the
ubiquitous and chilling spirits. And over
the next two hundred years, children
became the primary wanderers — so
chocolate turned into the primary food
offering. The costumes themselves developed into replicas of the ghosts, until
truly a world of evil did roam unhindered
on Hallow Even, benignly fulfilling the
prophesies of the ancient Christians.
Here the legends intersect The
vampire, a lone spiritual wanderer of the
night, a shapechanger loath to stray from
the shadows, was a perfect specimen of
the evil spirits roaming the land that late
October night his distinctive widow's
peak, pointed canines, and blood-red lips
made him an ideal candidate for costuming. And the Hallowe'en vampire outfit
was born.
Influenced by dozens of screen
interpretations of Stoker's novel and other
derivatives of the legend, the popular
conception of vampires has resulted in a
very particular image: clean-shaven, silver-haired, and as tolerant of light as the
Wicked Witch of the West, was to water,
to name the most blatant contradictions
of the legend as it existed in the 1800's.
In modem times, another long-
toothed bloodsucker blends in imperceptibly among the Gothic warriors, the Bart
Simpsons, and the Just Plain Weird get-
ups, and the holiday, the most pagan
event in the Christian church, has become
a series of escapades wherein one attempts to rake in the most candy from the
largest area before the fireworks begin.
"Trick or treat!" — the words ring out
from children, half of whom are hoping to
show off their new squirt gun and half of
whom are hoping you won't call then-
bluff. (Starting to sing the Smurfs' theme
song off key worked for me one year.)
Fireworks, incidentally, are legal
in Vancouver from October 25 th to 31st,
but never else in the year. Other displays
must be cleared with the city government
and supervised by the fire department.
Their connection to Hallowe'en, however, is apurely Canadian invention, with
no bearing on any mythological history.
What is it, though, that so catches
out interests about the supernatural,
whether at Hallowe'en or no? Ghosts,
magicks, poltergeists: studies of their
existence continue to fascinate. And
UFOlogy will continue to commandeer
its share of the tabloids until there really
is a First Contact.
But until such a time does occur,
just have a good Hallowe'en, and be kind
to all those sorcerors, goblins, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles knocking on
your door.
And remember—those shadows
on your bedroom wall aren't demons or
evil spirits. They'recarheadlights. Iknow
from experience.
tf iW"' !   lXk*l jXf ski." i*- That's Trivial!
Dik Miller, Private Eye
Albert Einstein
Ren6 Descartes
Benjamin Franklin
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as The
Clint Eastwood (as Dirty Harry)
George Bush
Douglas MacArthur
Kurt Preinsperg
Charlie Brown
Euclid, to Ptolemy
John F. Kennedy, mutilating the
German language
Albert Einstein
Isaac Newton
Galileo Galilei, immediately
after his confession.
Johannes Kepler
Werner Von Braun
Louis Pasteur
Galileo Galilei
Ernest Rutherford
BQ:    Pierre Trudeau, upon being
defied that he could not invoke
the War Measures Act.
-by Derek K. Miller-
I had just been rescued, along with hundreds of other people, from a CFC-pro-
ducing factory in the Amazon rain forest
by a group of U.S. military personnel
who had gotten lost on the way to Iraq.
(That was for those of you who didn't
read the first four episodes of this spine-
chilling drama. By the way, you missed
the cool part, especially the vegetarians
being fed rain-forest beef on non-recyclable styrofoam plates. Your loss.) Currently we were on board a transport plane,
winging its way back to... well, back to
somewhere. We'd be able to get home
from wherever it was, I was sure.
A low ranking officer was walking between the rows and rows of rescu-
ees, asking questions and taking notes on
a clipboard. He nodded significantiy as
he wrote in the way that only people who
have been trained specifically to kill other
people can. He arrived at my seat
"Name and place of residence,
please?" he asked as politely as someone
who has been trained specifically to kill
other people can.
"Dik Miller, Private Eye," I said.
"Vancouver, B.C."
Vancouver's newest rommttk fadeaway
862 Richards
Simply 'Elegant -'Efegantty Simple
Phone 689-7068 For Reservations
lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and
oodles and oodles and oodles and oodles and oodles and oodles and oodles and oodles
and gob
i tons and tons and tons and tons a
ty and^^^r and plenty
> ar^Tob:^ d gobs an£
adj KiSi and loac,
citit^j^faltiplicities and
and myriads and myriads and myriads and myriads and myriads and myriads and
expanses and expanses and expanses and expanses and expanses and expanses and
glops and glops and glops and glops and glops and glops and glops and glops and
karx>odlesandka^^l<^^1ki^^1l<+id>^xxJ>^ni* b^its and kaboodles
and scads and stids^n
;lops and glops and glops and glops and glops
iiKCjds aid slidilaukljSs fffl^'ac |an^!^ii
!%1s and scads and
and masses and masses and masses and masses and masses and masses and masses
and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots
Yes! That's right! Another contest! Just guess the number
of times the letter "a" appears in this issue of the paper —
or would appear if the words "The 432 contests" weren't
in the way! Closest to the actual number wins!
(Ties will be broken by random draw. Keeners may spend all day counting
letters if they really want to. And the answer is not 432, so don't even think
about submitting that. Okay? Okay.)
• Third»prize»»»A»Science»T-shirt»
He paused in mid-write. "Where's
"That's north, isn't it?"
"Depends where you're measuring from. If you're in Detroit, it's south.
In Alaska, it's east"
He looked puzzled as only a
someone who has been trained specifically to kill other people can. "You guys
have igloos there?"
"Uh, no," I replied. "We tie the
huskies up outside our snow caves."
"Right You'll probably be quite
uncomfortable where we're going, then."
He smded as only someone who has been
trained specifically to kill other people
"Where's that?"
"Saudi Arabia."
My eyes widened. "What?! I
thought we were going to New York or
"No, no," he countered. "We have
a mission, and we can't waste any time."
I sighed. "You have the right maps
this time? We're not going to end up in
Antarctica or something, are we?"
"Nope. The captain dug out his
Oxford High School Adas. We know
where we're going this time."
"Yeah," I said, picturing the lump
of spiced ground beef that must have
occupied the cavity where his brain was
supposed to be. "How do we get home
from there?"
"Beats me. Pay airfare, I guess."
"But none of us have any money!"
"Look, buddy," he scowled, as
only someone who has been trained specifically to kill people can, "it's not my
problem, okay? You'll have to find your
own way back to your stupid huskies and
your stupid snow cave."
"Thanks," I said as he stomped off
to interview someone else.
I trudged over to the window,
watching the vast expanse of what must
have been the Atlantic Ocean but looked
more like a piece of tacky-coloured arbo-
rite. Well, at least I would be able to get
a tan. I resolved that when I got home I
wouldn't do any more of this stupid P.I.
stuff, chasing after anti-environmental
criminals and nearly getting killed. Maybe
I could get a job with UBC Food Services.
"Excuse me," said a soldier behind me. I turned and gasped.
"Angela Crisco!"
If you don't remember who Angela Crisco is, read on next issue, and all will
become clear to you. If you do ...er ...
read it anyway. There'll be lots of fun
stuff and humourous parodies of the situation in the Middle East. No really.
Derek K. Miller's Cap'n Crunch went
soggy just as you were reading this. He' 11
Senate Shorts
-by Orvin Lau-
Seeing that this issue of the paper comes
out on Hallowe'en, I thought I'd write on
something scary. Yes, there are things
related to Senate which cause all the
symptoms of fear: sleep loss, cold sweat,
panic, excessive heart rates, and the like.
They are known as midterms and exams.
Midterms: Mostofyouare probably suffering from the burden of these
right now ... but better now than later.
Why? Just the word "midterm" implies a
test in the middle of the term, not at the
end when exams are fast approaching.
Some years ago, Senate made a
regulation that states that midterms may
not be held in the last two weeks of
classes — which means that the last day
for midterms this year is November 16.
However, there are a number of profs
who don't know about or ignore this
regulation, so may be planning a midterm
for those last two weeks.
Should this be the case in your
class, you can tell the prof to cancel the
midterm, and s/he is obliged to do so.
Although this means you can then prepare for exams and finish off term projects, watch out for the Catch-22: if the
midterm is cancelled, then your final exam
will weigh more. You'll have to decide
for yourself which is worse.
If your prof won't cancel the
midterm despite your demands, let someone know. (Like me.)
Exams: The preliminary exam
schedules are up. Check them now to
make sure you don't have a clash; if you
do, immediately report it to the Registrar's Office.
I recently talked with the Registrar about difficulties in exam scheduling, and he gave me some info to pass on
to you. Should you find your exam schedule really bad, you could go to the Registrar's Office to complain. However, the
bestapproach is to go see your prof for the
course in question. If a large majority of
the class wants the exam moved, it might
be done—but don'tget your hopes up, as
it's not easy scheduling exams without
conflicts in the first place.
Despite all rumours, only clashes
have a formal policy. If you have too
many exams in too short a time, or any
other scheduling problem, your only hope
is that most of your class has the same
problem. Exams are never moved just to
suit one person.
Make sure you read the final exam
schedule, and make note of any changes.
Missing an exam is known to cause fear
symptoms unparalleled by those of the
worse horror flicks, and can be fatal to
your academic health.
It seems students don't much like
how UBC's Remembrance Day holiday
is on Friday, while everybody else's is on
Monday. Although the original decision
was made by the Committee of the Deans,
all academic dates ultimately require
Senate approval: every year, Senate approves the next academic year's. And
with all the protest, Remembrance Day
won't happen on a Friday again. (But
something good was done this year: the
start of second term was moved from
January 2 to the next Monday, January 7.)
Orvin Lau woke up one April morning
last year to discover his English 100 final
was already over. Having talked his way
back into UBC anyway, he now considers
it his sacred mission in life to prevent
other students (a superstitious, cowardly
lot) from doing the same.
The 432
October 31,1990 •Prizes*
The Great
Science Sports
T-Shirt Design
$5 cash for each
reasonable entry
(Limit 2/person)
(1st) A Science Sports
Jacket and T-shirt
(2nd) Science Boxer
Shorts and a T-Shirt
(3rd) A T-Shirt
Deadline is Friday,
November 9, 1990.
Bring your designs to
CHEM 160!
Practice Midterms
-by Sean Kelly-
Some two and a half weeks of midterms
still remain in the fall term. To help you
prepare for your next one, The 432 is
pleased to be able to supply several sample
exams. For each subject listed below, you
have 50 minutes; no calculators are
allowed. Good luck. Write on one side of
the page only. You may bring in one sheet
of notes, double-sided.
If a red-eyed female Drosophila with
anorexia nervosa is crossed with a white-
eyed male Gypisy moth with fetal alcohol
syndrome and trisomy 3, what percentage
of their progeny will be etherized in first-
year Biology labs?
Bonus Question: How many generations will it take to produce a one-eyed,
one-horned, flying purple people eater?
1. Columbus sailed on the Nifia, the
Pinta, and the Santa Maria. Explain
how the spacetime continuum of
1492 allowed him to be on three
ships at once.
2. What day of the week was it when
Columbus left? When he arrived?
3. How many Indians saw Columbus
land? Name them and oudine the
psychological history of each.
TH (Drawers of SUS
-by Catherine Rankel-
OKAYH! Here's the latest update on
SUS business for all you keeners who
really want to know. I'm not kidding
myself into believing that you really want
to read this. I mean, I know that you've
been just dying to know what your student body has been spending your money
and our time doing.
October 18th: We voted on a motion
regarding policies for club budgets.
Each club gets all of $2 per person in the
department it represents.
•Sports jackets will be available
for purchase to anyone with more than 20
points, at an undisclosed sum. It'll be at
cost, oncewe know what cost is.
•Alan, our External Vice President, has finally gotten commitment for
two bands to appear at the upcoming
dance on November 16th, One Big Union
and Sarcastic Mannequins. Tickets are
on sale at SUS and the SUB Box Office.
•Clubs are planning their events
and they're all worth looking out for —
like the First Great Annual Micro Geek
Night Out (November 23rd) or the sale of
Biochemistry, Pharmacology, and Physiology exams through the BPP club.
•And otherwise, meetings are happening almost every day of the week to
make your life exciting and ours pure
October 25th: We passed a motion
through Council, to make our own boxes
to hold The 432 so you don't have to see
it spread out all over the floor. You'll get
a clean, dry, neatly folded paper instead
of one that's moist, stepped-on, and half-
•By-eleclion results were approved — do all you Chem and Biology
students know tiiat you now have departmental reps?
•Also, a $500 loan for the BPP
club was approved, so they can go ahead
and start their old exam trade — see the
October 18th notes.
•A Senate report from Orvin reminded us that any midterms scheduled
in the last two weeks of classes before
exams are in violation of the University's
Code and Bylaws. (This is a hint, MICB
408 students!!!)
•Our Science Week meeting generated two wonderful souls, Chris Sing
and Zubair Ladak, who will be responsible for the Blood Drive. This still leaves
room for a Trike Race Coordinator and a
Displays Coordinator — see the ad below.
•And Science Sales needs more
revenue, so get out and buy some SUS
More updates next issue — that's it for
Coordinators for Science Week
•Trike Race
Please see Sandra Mah or leave a message in CHEM 160.
Why is i t al ways a Volkswagen suspended
from the bridge? Does the owner know or
was he double-parked?
1. Findevidencefrom Shakespeare's
work to prove he had a lisp.
2. ShowthatthemarriageofByron's
style and Coleridge's poetry would end
in divorce.
1. a) If you only had 100 square metres
of wood and you wanted to build a barn
which would hold the most Clearasil,
what is the point?
b) Explain why you couldn't afford
another ten square metres of wood.
c) Wouldn't hiring a professional
builder be easier?
Use one of Gauss' theorems to prove
your answer.
Bonus Question: If you have time left
at the end of the exam, build the barn.
If eleven people are in a life raft which
can only save ten people, who should be
elected to toss the smallest person
Bonus Question: Whyisn'tthispage
intentionally blank?
1. What is the autoignition temperature and flash point of a Ford
2. a)  Prove that if the speed of light
decreased by 2%, only three
people would care,
b) Who are they, and explain why
they have no social life.
Prove by profuse digression that if
SigmundFreud were alive today.he would
own a Red Hot Video Store.
Sean Kelly is majoring in Chemistry,
which may cast some light on the otherwise inexplicable bias of this survey. Of
course, it might be just another phase
he's going through.
J^MS (Briefs
-by Trent Hammer-
Due to midterms and assignments, this
week's AMS Briefs will be very brief.
The meeting of October 17th went ahead,
and a few important motions went ahead.
•The Vancouver School of Theology voted a few weeks ago to join the
AMS, and is now represented by one seat
on Council. We welcomed the VST.
•Back in the Homecoming Parade, some Engineers overturned the Arts
car and bashed in the windows. The EUS
was billed for 80% of the cost of cleanup.
The rest will be covered by the AMS.
•There's another new seat on
Council, this one non-voting, for aNative
Indian rep. Sandy Doxtator is filling the
•All the referenda the other week,
about the Health Plan, the SUB Concourse, and the increase in fees, failed to
meet quorum due to pitiful voter turnout.
We accepted the results and didn't do
•Council voted to take the money
budgeted for food for next meeting and
donate it to Unicef. Freeloaders, take
•Kurt Preinsperg was voted sexiest man alive. Really.
Trent Hammer buys purple felt markers
whenever there's a sale. He uses them to
try to convince people he studies History.
-by Ari Giligson-
Many years ago—two, in fact—I use to
sit on AMS Council as Science rep. It
seemed to me then to be the most important organization at the University. There
we were making important decisions
concerning a great amount of money;
striking committees; following Robert's
Rules and sitting around an impressive
round table.
I would defend AMS points of
views and decisions and read the vile rag
(The Ubyssey) to see how they were slandering us and trying to tear down all the
good things we had put together. I went to
all the AMS parties, drank the beer, ate
the munchies. I wasted much time which
might have otherwise been used for my
studies and I had a great deal of fun.
The funny thing is that although I
realize now how much fun I had during
my stint at the AMS, I thought then that
my work was relatively serious. And
oddly, many other councillors thought of
their work as even more serious and earth-
shattering. The truth was that the most
useful things the AMS ever did were concerned with student social interactions,
not with any sociopolitical comments that
we issued, or any anti- orpro-something-
or-other committees that we struck.
So it has come to be that these
days, the AMS takes itself far too seriously (in the great Canadian spirit of
taking minor things too seriously), and
what's even more absurd is that some
others, especially some at The Ubyssey,
have been duped into taking all this even
more seriously. As far as I know, most
student organizations were founded upon
purely social needs, ie. drinking, dancing, and meeting people.
These days I am gready entertained by the AMS Council. I read The
Ubyssey for light humour (sometimes an
importantissue actually surfaces, butmost
frequently in the "Letters" section). And
can anyone really complain about the
$40.00 fee? I mean, when you consider
the price of a movie or a video rental,
you'll realize that it's the best entertainment value in town.
The 432
October 31,1990 Life after Chicklets
The Paper Monster
-by Philip Ledwith-
As I go home each night to the comfort of
my luxury hole (residence courtesy of
Place Vanier), I am faced with a gnawing
dread. This irrational fear begins about
halfway from the Physics building, growing slowly as I make my way past the
Math buildings and cross West Mall. As
I come into sight of my house, my palms
are beginning to sweat, and I can hear my
own heart beating as I trepidly mount the
stairs. Finally, with shaking hands, I force
my key into the lock, take a deep breath,
and step once more into the world of the
Paper Monster.
The Paper Monster began its life
in a humble fashion, as so many of these
things do. I am sure you are aware of the
situation. It is a warm, lazy September
evening. The birds are singing sweetly in
the trees, and you have just returned from
your last class of the day. You open your
cheap and tatty plastic folder and spill the
contents onto your desk, seeking enlightenment. Enlightenment, however, likes
to go on holidays during term time, so all
that you actually see is a collection of
entrails left by a spider that happened to
come across some of your note paper.
After spending an hour or two attemting
to dechipher these strange symbols (okay,
maybe it was nearer ten minutes, but it
was a long ten minutes), you decide,
"These notes would really make loads
more sense after going to the Pit/Benny's
Bagels/wherever." So you go out to spend
the last of the money that you don't
actually have, and in your room the dust
gathers about your berserk rantings on
paper. And the next day, the process
repeats itself. And the day after that.
(Incidentally, Benny's Bagels is
still the coolest place this side of the
galaxy to waste an evening, even now
that the yuppies have moved in and your
combined outfit costs less than the average customer's crocodile-skin shoes.
There are two reasons for this: first, by a
freak of quantum mechanics, it is impossible to go to Benny's after midnight and
not meet at least three friends unless you
are a complete social dweeb; and secondly, of course, they serve a totally
scrumdiddly New York cheesecake with
hot berries and cream.)
And slowly, insiduously, a maleficent prescence enters into your discarded
lecture notes. They begin to think on their
own, and they get ambitious.
The first time I began to notice
something was amiss was the time I awoke
late for a Physics 120 lecture, and discovered that my latest assignment had grown
overnight to encompass early hominid
evolution, Northrop Frye, Schrodinger's
equations, and the Kama Sutra. (Don't
even think about asking which course
that came from.) The second time I began
to experience difficulties with the Paper
Monster was the time it decided to cache
itself on my bed, depriving ne of sleep
until such time as I could be bothered to
move it.
Of course, a creature as malign as
the Paper Monster could never be content
with one mere room. In this respect, at
least, the Paper Monster has much in
common with the Garbage Monster in
that it is not content just to be a nuisance;
it has to make sure that you know its a
nuisance. And to do this effectively, the
Paper Monster has to expand and devour
your floor, thebed, the shelves, the clothes
drawers, and in fact anywhere at all that
you really didn't want to see yet another
spring-torque-vector-thingy equation.
And so my nightmare grows, currently at the rateofaboutseventeen pages
a day. I am unable to dislodge the Paper
Monster from its lair, and neither am I
able to identify any of the material that
makes up its bulk anymore. It's life, Jim,
but not as we know it So my point to all
of you still considering an academic career out there is this: Beware! For when
the moon is full the Paper Monster ventures forth from its hiding place to feast
on whatever delights are most essential to
your midterm review, and to make your
life a misery.
And now I shall return to that dark
and lonely place where the world ends,
and soon I shall be placing an advertisement seeking somewhere else to hide
from the Paper Monster.
Philip Ledwith isaforeignfrosh who succumbed early to Bloc Physsoc mindwip-
ing experiments. He recently renounced
ownership of all paper products.
-by Elaine Wong-
It all began in Kindergarten. I remember
it well. It occurred when Katie told me
that baby chickens were called chicklets.
I hate to think how long I believed her,
how many times I spread this new-found
knowledge to countless other people.
After all, didn't it make sense to call baby
chickens chicklets?
Over the years, I've been more
aware of what people tell me. It seems
that they like to test intelligence by measuring your gullibility, saying something
subdy ridiculous and noting the reaction.
I know. I'm guilty of it too.
Sometimes the opportunity pops
up for a good joke and you just can't bear
to let it go wasted. This summer in Rome,
for instance, my travelling companions
and I met up with a number of other
tourists, and we started to travel together
to avoid being ambushed or pickpock-
eted by gypsies. Anyway, it was after a
very filling seven-course Roman fiesta
that someone asked, "Where does spaghetti grow?"
The man seemed fine. His consciousness didn't seem to have been affected by the wine which seemed to go
with every meal we had in Europe. So I
mumbled, "On trees, of course," and
wonder of wonders, he believed me. Not
only that, but so did everyone else except
my own travelling group. Yes, they all
believed me, and wanted me to show
them a spaghetti tree.
Not wanting to reveal my joke,
my friends and I arranged to decorate a
couple of fig trees with spaghetti trimmings. While I proudly led my disciples
to view this "spaghetti tree," I fully expected to be uncovered. Excitement rose
as we neared the specimen. Cameras
flashed, forever recording the spaghetti
tree, surely to be shown to friends and
relatives upon everyone's return home.
Of course, when I think about all
the stories I've fallen for, I feel a blush
rising as I imagine what a fool I must have
seemed. I mean, who would ever believe
that a grape vine would grow out of your
skull if you ingested grape seeds? Me. Or
that Joan of Arc was an Anglican, even
after spending a month on Bernard Shaw
in English Lit? Me. Or even that if I wore
shoeboxes as shoes, my feet would stop
growing, since the desire to outgrow my
shoes would disappear? Me.
More recently, I tried to look up
"schmoo" in the encyclopaedia.
How strange I must have looked,
as I walked around in shoeboxes wondering why Joan of Arc was fighting anyway. Ah, but those days are over. I'm still
wondering why Prince Rainier isn'tcalled
a King, and why the British drive on the
other side of the road, but now I'm afraid
to ask.
Elaine Wong thinks hamburgers are a
type offoodJmean, canyou believe that?
Would you eat one of those things?
o    o
Dentures left in
Coke overnight
will dissolve.
Brush your teeth
after an all-nighter.
A Public Service Message from the Staff of The 432
(President s Choice (Dance
'Boat Races start at $:00|»m
5 people pet team, at leastonfe female
Maximum 10 teams
Give team list to Alan Price,
External VP, Tuesday or Thursday
KB0-11:30 before the dance.
with prices
Beer $1.25
Shoat'rs $1.50
Pop 500
Happy Half-Hour B:00-B:30
All alcohol two for one
with bands
One Big Union
Tickets $4,00
from CHEM 160
or the SUB Box
November 16, 1990 8:00-12:00   SUB Ballroom
The 432
October 31,1990


Citation Scheme:


Citations by CSL (citeproc-js)

Usage Statistics



Customize your widget with the following options, then copy and paste the code below into the HTML of your page to embed this item in your website.
                            <div id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidgetDisplay">
                            <script id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidget"
                            async >
IIIF logo Our image viewer uses the IIIF 2.0 standard. To load this item in other compatible viewers, use this url:


Related Items