UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Nov 28, 1994

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Array UBC Archives Seridt
Only 33shopping days
'til Christmas
(If you're still shopping during Easter, you've gone too tar)
"He knows when you are sleeping, he knows
when you're awake../'
Irving Washington
Roving Correspondent.
Geneva (UPI)
Disgruntled ex-employees of a Canadian
security contractor
have broken the silence on
what may be the largest covert
espionage organization on
earth. Interpol revealed today
the existance of a clandestine
data-collection operation
working on a global scale.
Inside sources identified the
.. Qj^anJzatioxi,,arad implicated >..,,.
the United Nations as a coconspirator, Officials at the
UN Headquarters in New York
have denied any knowledge of
the organization, and declined
to comment further.
The leader of the renegade
workers, identified in.confi-
dential documents simply as
"Ed", came forward after an
escape of epic bravery and
genius. Documents show "Ed"
fled the main compound,
located neat Baffin Island on
foot. Search helicopters
deployed by the organizations
were fooled by his clever
camoflage of their tracks.
"<name withheld> here
rolled us all up into big snowballs and pushed us into the
sea where we were frozen into
ice blocks and carried southward and eastwards, eventually drifting up the St. Lawrence
and thawing just outside
Ottawa. Our first impulse was
to return to the labour camps,
but we managed to get a flighty
to the Hague and safety.
Thank god!"
I've always hated the Big
Guy. The day he crushed rny
dreams of being a podiatrist, I
swore to destroy his plans and
end the exploitation of inno-
. cent people worldwide."
The testimony of these
brave labourers is stunning:
the Big Guy, as they call the
mastermind behind this plan,
oversees the collection and
disbursement of an astonishingly detailed amount of
information derived from the
general population through
instrumentation placed in the
interior of items distributed as
gifts to the global population.
A complex series of
chemoreceptors, microcam-
eras, humidity meters, microphones and specialized detectors measure the properties of
anybody in the vicinity or
touching the so-called gift.
This information is processed
in the toy for relevance and
selected data is transmitted to
geosynchronous reindeer who
relay the data to a receiver,
locatedjsomewhere in the
interior of Greenland.
There, the information is
collated in a gigantic computer, whose main processor is
cooled by the abundent polar
snow. The information is then
used to make a qualitative
value-judgement in accordance with a complex 5et of
criteria, the results of which
then go into a list. At this
point, it is not known what
the Big Guy does with this
information, although it is
suspected that he uses it to
influence television stations
and animation studios around
the country to produce and air
Christmas specials,, designed
to increase the distribution of
the sensors to selected segments of the population.
Qther organizations,
though, are not taking the
news as well. "This Big Guy
fellow is defiriately a threat,"
says Dennis Burlins, trade representative for the North
American Toymaker's
Association. (NATA)
"Not only is he seriously
undercutting our business, but
his unorthodox research-gathering into the habits of children has given him an incredible edge!This insanity has.
got to be stopped!."
The Canadian goverrithent
is considering sending a team
of very short Canadian
Security and Intelligence
Service (CSIS) agents to the
North Pole to investigate possible charges of tax evasion
and fraud.
UBC Cancelled Due
to Lack of
Classes, Stones date unfortunate victims of student apathy
Kevin Phillips Bong
Roving Correspondent
Amid mass outcries from
the general public, and
almost no resistance
whatsoever from the UBC student body, the JB.C. Provincial
Government announced
today its plans io permanently clote the Universityof
British Columbia.
The closure is scheduled to
take place effective August 31,
1995, after the completion of
the 1995 Summer Session. A
statement from a government
spokesperson cited "massive
student apathy and lack of
quorum for integral
University functions" as reasons for the closure. The government declined further
comment, saying only that
"UBC students just didn't
seem to care whether or not
the institution lived or died."
Among evidence presented
for the decision was th« failure of students to attend a
special general meeting of the
Alma Mater Society (AMS),
UBC's student society. The
meeting was intended to ratify sweeping new changes to
the AMS Bylaws and featured
a concert by popular
Canadian rockers Spirit of the
West as an incentive to
attend. TheTHeeting required
attendance by 10% of UBC's
daytime student population
in order to reach quorum;
however/despite one of the
largest publicity campaigns in
the history of the AMS, the
meeting only managed to
attract about 4%. This, said
government officials, "was
one of the primary reasons for
considering a closure of the
Reaction to the news was
swift. Prime Minister Jean
Chretien denounced the closure as "a sad, sad day for
Canadian education" and "a
serious step backward for
Western Canadian educators
and students alike."
Immigration Minister Sergio
Marchi called the move "a
deadly blow for the B.C. economy," citing the number of
offshore dollars attracted by
UBC. He theorized that "UBC
students will carry a black
mark withthem wherever
they go" and that "other institutions may think twice about
accepting former UBC students."
On the campus itself, the
news passed with an almost
eerie resignation and calm
acceptance, as most students
didn't seem to realize exactly
what had happened. "Well,
whatever they want to do,
that's fine, I guess," said an
unnamed 2nd-year Science
student. "I have to go study
now... excuse me, did you say
AMS President Bill Dobie
was unavailable for comment.
A press release later confirmed
the cancellation of the
Billapalooza rock festival,
including the centerpiece concert by the Rolling Stones,
that was to coincide with AMS
elections in January.
One of the hardest-hit student groups was the AMS
Working Group spearheading
the planned student protest
against the controversial
"Agendaf Job? Arid Growth" "
discussion paper forwarded by
Minister of Human Resources
Development Lloyd
Axworthy. "AU our work is for
naught," said one member of
the group. We already had
seven people lined up to participate - one of the biggest
protests in this school's history - and now it's all ruined.
Ah well... in fifty years, who's
gonna care anyway?"
Mr. Axworthy was unable
to give a detailed statement at
press time, saying only that
"well, I suppose this makes
my job selling the proposal in
B.C. a bit easier..."
"Well, just as I suspected... wood's too Wet." The Editor's Rant.
There's been a great
number of troubling
thoughts percolating
through my stainless steel   .
coffee maker of late, and
most of them relate directly
to you.
It's difficult to second-
guess what everyone out
there wants from me, especially when there's little or
no feedback. All I can do is
fall back on my extensive
training, years of experience, and all my superbly
qualified staff members in
the pursuit of excellence.
Unfortunately, I've got no
training, experience, or staff
members, so I'll just wing it
and hope for the best.
<insert diabolical laugh hero
Arthur Plotnik, god of
editors everywhere, had a
pertinent quote I'd like to
pass on to you. He said,
"Editors, after all, are
impresarios; they are putting
on a show they hope will
enthrall an audience from
start to finish."
Of course, the same fellow also left the following
gem of wisdom:
"Editing itself is an excruciating act of self-discipline,
mind reading and stable cleaning. If it seems like a pleasure,
something is probably wrong."
Luckily, the best thing
about being an editor is that
you can ignore the advice of
just about everyone out
there, so once again, I've
decided to forego writing an
article designed to split your
sides with laughter, and
focus instead on an article
intended to make you stop
and think.
I'd like you to nod if any
of the phrases rings even the
slightest bell.
"Special General Meeting"
"Spirit of the West"
"November 18"
Looks like everyone is
Now, I'd like you to raise
your hand if you realized
that all four are all about the
same thing, and came out to
the Special General Meeting
on November lis, voted on
the changes, and enjoyed
the free concert afterwards.
Hmmm. Not much movement out there, folks.
For the record, only about
a thousand people showed
up to vote at the recent
Special General Meeting.
Only three percent of the
student population.
That really sucks, guys.
Everyone who wasn't
there has a good excuse.
Term papers due. It was too
cold. L thought there would
be a huge lineup. Exams are
coming in a couple of
weeks. It was the opening
night of the new Star Trek
movie. That's all they are,
The only .good reason
that I've heard over the last
few weeks is that people
didn't understand the
importance of the student
society here at UBC. You
didn't think the student '-•
society has anything at all
to do with the quality of
your life here at UBC. In
short, the student society is .
irrelevant. Fair enough.
Everyone's entitled to their
Maybe you're right.
Maybe the AMS is irrelevant.
.Maybe the AMS should just
refund the $39.50 it collected from you this year, shut
its doors and go home.
Time for a quick history
Without the Alma Mater
Society, UBC wouldn't exist
here at the Point Grey campus at all. Way back in
1922, literally thousands of
students made the Great
Trek from over by 12th and
Cambie to where the
. Chemistry Building stands
now. That demonstration of
student spirit convinced the
BC government to cough up
$1.5 million, which got
UBC started.
There wouldn't be a Brock
Hall. Brock used to be the
home of the student society,
until SUB Was built in the
late sixties.
Building things has been
a long and honourable tradition for the student society. We constructed the first
playing fields. We donated
money, directly from our
student fees into a fund
which built both the Law
and the Dentistry Buildings.
We built the first university
stadium (long since demolished). And the Aquatic
Center. And a major expansion of the thunderbird     •
Winter Sports Center.
We donated more money
to Grad Studies to help pay
for theThea Korner Grad
Center. Money to Housing
to build Sherwood Lett
House down at Vanier.
And there certainly
wouldn't be a.Student
Union Building, built by
student money, and
expanded three times'with
student money.
Wouldn't this campus
seem pretty sparse if all the
building the AMS helped
construct didn't exist?
It goes far beyond physical things like buildings.
The AMS is the umbrella
organization for the undergraduate societies,, service
organizations, and almost
all of the clubs here on campus. Without the AMS to
provide space, financing,
and everything else, there
would be no Varsity
Outdoor Club, no Ski Club,
no Science Undergraduate
Society, no Speakeasy, no
Intermurals, no nothing
I'm willing to bet that
each and every single one of
you have enjoyed participating in one of the activities
or events of an AMS sponsored organization. You're
reading this paper, aren't
Imagine what your life
would, be like without the
friends and experiences you
gained in those activities.
I suppose the low voter
turnout at the SGM, and at
student elections in general
reflects the general cynicism
all Canadians seem to display towards their governments. I suppose I should
realize that most students
take everything they've got
for granted. I suppose I
shouldn't take your apathy
as a personal insult.
. Just keep in mind that all
the things I've mentioned in
this article are due to the
efforts of your fellow students over the years.
Volunteer efforts, I might
Everything that you enjoy
now in 1994 is based on the
structure and philosophy of
the student leaders |rom the
past. The quality of life we
all enjoy as UBC students is
the direct result of the legacy
they left us.
Each and everyone of us
has a responsibility to
ensure that legacy remains
intact for the students who
follow. And a responsibility
to ensure that our accomplishment become a part of
what future students enjoy.
That means you.
That means get involved.
That means get informed.
That means vote.
Instead, all I've ever heard
over the last three years was
a deafening lack of comment.
There's a price to paid if
you don't. At the very least,
you'll walk but of these hallowed halls with a piece of
sheepskin worth little more
than the sheepskin it's written on. University will exist
in your memory as a necessary evil, instead of the most
exciting time of your life.
At the worst, for any of
you out there who think
everyone involved in running your student society is
a bunch of dictatorial, fascist pigs, watch out.
When no one bothers to
exercise their democratic
rights, it's the only thing
you'll have left.
All Blair wants for
Christmas is quorum for the
next referendum, and a partridge in apear tree.
The Pauper.
"oney. A person
such as myself,
.lacking both
degree and exceptional talents has few emptayniehi'-:"
options. The only possible
jobs I've come up with so;
far range from boring to
outright nasty. My first idea was telemarketing. On the plus
side, this is a job I can do while lying in my bed, but I'm not
too keen on calling up complete strangers during their dinner hours, and asking themLif they'd like to buy the product
of a lifetime. Assembling products at home is something else
I could do in the (relative) safety of my room, but that's Out
since I had a traumatic experience with a soldering iron as a
My introduction is leading up to this: my bank, account
and I have been having a bit of a spat lately; this past weekend it finally went off the deep end and committed ritual
suicide, just to tick me off. It even left a suicide note.
Regardless, it's been declared legally dead, since the last
time I made a withdrawal, I was informed that my bank balance is now three digits long. Including two decimal places.
This affects my life in three main ways:
a) I'll be doing a lot more homework in the next month.
b) If anyone needs to contact me in the near future, they'd
better do it before my next phone bill arrives
c) Everyone "I know is getting some sort of home-made craft
for Christmas this year. Right now I'm thinking of using
popsicle sticks; they're cheap, they're very craftsie, and I
can eat the popsicles as a food supplement when my food
points run low.
I know, I shouldn't complain; everyone who lives at university is relatively poor. According to StatsCan, the poverty
level generally encompasses anyone who spends more than
50% of their income on shelter and food.
If food counts as anything consumed, everyone I know is
poor. But if food is only that which is ingested for the purpose of nutrients, then I know only about eight people who
have managed to escape poverty. Six of those haven't
bought clothes, books, or any other school supplies in the
last year and a half, mainly because "beer's up over fifteen
bucks a case."
If the Awards and Financial Aid Office offered beer drinking scholarships, my troubles would be over. Competition
for such a prestigious scholarship would be pretty fierce,   '
though. I know a lot of people who drink pretty hard just for
the sake of drinking already. Imagine what their alcohol levels would be if they got paid to drink. Even if I didn't get the
money, it would be nice to see the University recognise students for their efforts outside their classroom studies.
On this note, I propose that scholarships also be offered
for taking naps, personal hygiene, and coming up with innovative and fun uses for the head of the Roman Catholic    "
Church. I could easily win with my most recent ideas:
a) Pontiff on a Stick (just in time for the colder weather)
b) Pope on a Rope (like soap on a rope, but for washing away
sin instead of dirt.)
It's time that UBC led the world in stepping away from
the academic stereotype; imagine what it would be like to be
able to write "Scholarships: The Absolut Award for Alcohol
Tolerance; maintained for four years." Sadly, this day seems
to be rather far off in the future, so it looks like I'll have to
find another source of income.
For more about pontiffs on a stick...
please turn to page six.
Nov 29 : Med
Students Forum
(first year med students to
answer questions)
Dec 01 :
'Opportunity Info
(St. Paul Hospital's Burn
Unit) mmmfmmf*i*mimm*m»m
Assistant Sdftors
Graeme iSetinedy
Soger Watts
John Hallett
Kevin Boaglas
Ttaey- MacKinnon
Ryan McCuaig
Tern Moon
Glen Stokes
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Space... the Commercial Frontier.
It's that time of year,
when I take stock of the
previous twelve months
and list What I've learned
from life.
Analysis of a year's supply
of boo-boos is usually quite
depressing, and must be
done with the assistance of a bottle of Jack Daniel's. The
objective is to build ah arsenal of self-disciplining rules. Here
are mine. ;
1) Assume everybody is smarter than you. Aside from being
socially astute, this tip is actually true in my case.
2) Remember everybody's name. I've been told that if you
say the person's name five times in the first minute, that
you will remember their name better. Obviously, this is
not very tactful if you're in a conference or something and
, he's wearing a nametag. Incidentally, repeating a person's
name more than ten times in a minute increases the
chance that they will remember you, if only as the biggest
goof they've ever met. -.*
3) Exercise. This is more than just Zalko crap. You'll be
healthier and more resistant tordepression. No, really! So
spend the time and get sweaty. •
4) There is no good TV. Not even Star Trek.
"~." Star Trek - I promised myself I would never, never bring
up this topicin The 432, but here it is - is not goodSF. Ifya
want the good stuff, check out Philip K. Dick. Never heard of.
him? Heard of Blade Runner? Total Recall? He wrote 'em. Of
course they were better as novels...
Now, what is it about SF that makes somebody a nerd? It's
Star Trekl You see, there's a cornucopia of literary fiction in
the SF genre. The awful stuff is quickly converted into soaps
.like Star Trek, which provide little insight into the human
condition. Oh, sure the screenplays pay lip service to such
important themes as drug addiction, genetic manipulation,
terrorism, but are tragically subject to commercial breaks and
market segmentation. Ever look at the ads that permutate
TNG or DS9 programming? We're talking mom and pop.;It's
not SF: It's entertainment.. Worse, it's entertainment that's  -
parasitic On ideas from good SF.
Here's an author I really love: Ursula K. LeGuin. Her best
novel The Left Hand OfDarkness revolves around a black .
man trying to recruit a planet of hermaphroditic people into
a federation of planets interested in the expansion of the
human existence. Familiar? It was written in 1968 when
racial and sexual roles were only beginning to be questioned.
So, it's not the uniforms or the foam ears or conventions
that are illustrative of nerdmess, it's the watered-down literate value of the writing.The approach to difficult issues is
superseded by a need for special effects, and the creation of
material is made easier if there is a preapproved story (thus
the recycling of publishedmaterial).
However, the one attribute of Star Trek storyline that I
approve of is the SF tradition of cross-reference, ie: wfreria
Dyson Sphere, Positronic Matrix, or the Laws Of Robotics are
mentioned, I can see that the writers are well-read and paying their respects to the masters. It's just the limitations one
will see in any commercial venture. By the way, I went to
Generations last week and was amused to see a Worf head
pop lid. Can y°u irtiagine drinking something out of a
Klingon'shead? Not appetizing. Went into SmithBoOks and
found categories of "Cooking", "Self-Help", "Science
Fiction/Fantasy" and "Star Trek". Paramount stockholders
must be saying "Oooooo. Pinch me!"
Live long and prosper.
Exam Sale
9:30 - 3:30, weekdays till
Friday, Decernber 2.
MATH 100/1?Q/153
MATH 140/200/220/221
':;? MATH 253/255/257
Costs $4 for a five exam
package with solutions.
Rm 1119 Math Annex
The Capricorn
In a recent effort to balance the federal deficit,
the Unites States has
adopted the practice, pioneered in the USSR, of selling off national treasures to
interested collectors. The
432 had the honour of purchasing the command module from the famed Apollo
11 mission.
Amazingly enough, the
audio record of the actual
dialog between Eagle One
and Houston Control
remained unaffected after
25 years and are available to
us for the first time. Close
scrutiny seems to indicate
two things:
1) The mission crew was ..
selected for their bravery,
skills, strength and
endurance, but not necessarily for their, ah, luminescence.
2) The famous landing quotation probably was not
as reported by history.
The following is a transcription of what we found
on the Eagle One audio
Houston: OK, Neil. Loosen
-the hatch bolts counterclockwise. Let us know
when you're done. Oh,
hey. Have you prepared a
speech or something?
"; You'll be''on camera live:
Armstrong: Negative, negative. Not live. No preparation for landing. Been
, pretty busy. Training,
launching, drifing       •
through space. You know.
Houston: Uh, Neil, we were
kinda counting on you to
say something inspiring.
Armstrong: Well, I guess I'll
have to wing it. Got the
bolts open. Over.
Here's where written history and the transcript
appear to differ. We have     <
subdivided the tape into sections for ease of reading.;
Take One
Armstrong: Where's the
key? Heeelp!   ,;
Houston: The door's
already open. You idiots.
Take Two
Armstrong: Aiieeee! Moon
spiders! Oh, no... wait.
It's just my shoelace.
Houston: You serewup. Back
in and do it over.
Take Three
Armstrong: AAAh!
Footprints! Somebody's
already been here!
Houston: They're yours, you
moron. Back inside, but:
this time make sure to
brush the footprints out
Take Four           s~    -■'.-. /   : ;■"
Armstrong: Loooraaa - . ' '
loooraaa looora,
looraaalodoraa liiii -
Houston: Buzz, will you
adjust Neil's oxygen mix,
Take Five
Armstrong: That's one small
<trips, falls> Shiiiiiiiiiit!
<One minute later:
Houston: Get the Bactine
out, Buzz.
Take Eleven
Armstrong: Hey, I think I
can see Jackie Gleason
from here. Yep, that's
him. Too bad I didn't
bring my asian cookware:
"Wokking on the Moon"
Houston: We do the jokes
here. Try again.
Take Fifteen
Armstrong: Uhh... is there a
washroom around here
Houston: Eagle, Eagle...
transmission breaking
up... something's shorting
out the transmitter.
Take Twenty
Armstrong: What a beautiful
night out! It's too dark,
though. I'll wait until
Take Twenty-three
Armstrong: Quick honey,
get your binoculars. Can
you see me waving? Here
I am!
Take Thirty
Armstrong: Wheeeeew^Ahm
oooon the Mooooooon!
Take Thirty-seven
Armstrong: <clacking sound
of spray can being shaken>
There. Now the Eagle has
f a really cool picture of
that Keep On Truckin'
Guy on the side.        •
Houston: Our PR guys have
come up with something.
• Can you say "One small
step for man, one giant
leap for mankind."
Take Fifty _
Armstrong: That's one small
step for man... but you
sure can jump far up here!
Houston: Neil, this is the
Armstrong: Hello, Mr.
President. It's an ho-
Johnson: You're fired.
Houston: Buzz, throw the
extra suit out of the door.
Try and make it look like
that idiot Armstrong
walking around out there.
<sound of suit dropping on
Houston: No, no, that
footage just won't do.
Looks like Senator Ford.
Ok. We'll have to use the
Hollywood location.
Transfer the feed.
Armstrong: Hey, what about
us?   .'
Houston: Go find some
rocks. Play in the sand or
something. We'll call you
back in a few days.
Houston, out.
<end of transmission T
Over/Under Grades Betting.
It's exam time again!
Time to haul out'the -
textbooks and crack their
spine for the very first time.
You'll soon have the double
dose espresso machine percolating merrily in the corner of your room.
Stress levels are rising.
You're starting to panic as"
your exam date rapidly
approaches. What do you
Simple. Turn your exam
ordeal into a source of
excitement. It's been done
before. What would horse
racing be without the betting? Or dog racing?
So, take advantage of The
432 Over/Under Grade Betting
System this holiday season
to reduce your tension levels. It's easy to apply and
fun to use!
1. Decide what faculty you
are in.
2. Find your course listed to
the right
3. Take a wild guess as to-
how well you think you   •
will do on your exam.
Factor in how you think
everyone else will do.
4. Compare your estimate to
" our statistically accurate
average and decide
whether you will go
will involve a little bit of
= math,, so you may wish to
-   ask for assistance.
5. Go write your exam.
6. Wait for the class averages
to be posted.
7. If the average is UNDER
and you chose UNDER,   „
you win! If the class aver-
•   age is OVER and you
chose OVER, you win!
8. if you failed the exam,
you lose, regardless of
(Additional courses may be
obtained at your local lottery
(Void where prohibited from law)
The Bookie's
BIOL 120 has the highest percentage of pre-med
keeners of any other course in the faculty. Look for a
challenging exam designed to convince those keeners to transfer into Arts.
BIOL 412 is based on a 100%, essay exam. Professor
hands out question weeks ahead, but most leave
studying until the last minute, resulting in a 80
instead of 100.
CHEM 230 traditionally has a 60% failure rate, since
it is designed specifically to keep third year enrollment down.
Arts courses should only be bet on if you a professional gambler.
For Science students-, it's a sure bet you'll do better
than the average, For Arts students, you must factor
the low difficulty or the course against the intelligence of the avouanx- Arts student. '
Figure that everyone will fail at least one math course
in their university career.
Basic principles apply to these categories. Politics is
about two countries killing one another. Religious   .
Studies is about two religions killing one another.
Social Work is about preventing people from'killing
one another. . • '
1      GRADES
BIOL 120
BIOL 331
BIOL 412
CHEM 230
CPSC 320
GE0L 200
ANTH 220
ENGL 112
'/Emergency Christmas Kit
Spare Bulbs, in two colours
Tree, not to scale
Bow to go with the wrapping' papi
/rapping: paper
!S 33393 JsaKSfisBSSSSSSKE :E£2E JS The
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in
space will remain in space
until made aware of its situation. At this point, g will
begirt to apply.
Exception: This does not
apply to cool characters
who've never studied law.
Appendum: Any species
capable of flight, upon distraction of vertigo, will lose
ability of flight. Conversely,
any two feathers held in
each hand and waved will
(temporarily) give flight to
any character that does so.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will
tend to remain in motion
until solid matter intervenes
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on
foot, cartoon characters are
so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
pole or an outsize boulder
retards their forward motion
absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton
called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's
'.jtliCOOP iL^W. ill
Any body passing
_i m,i ^riat er v,il
or passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure i
explosions and of reckless
cowards who are so eager to
escape that they exit directly
through the wall of a house,
leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of        .
skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law TV
The time required for an
object to fall twenty stories
is greater than or equal to
the time it takes for whoever
knocked it off the ledge to
spiral down twenty flights
to attempt to capture it
Such an object is
inevitably priceless, thus the
attempt to capture it will be
ultimately unsuccessful.
The attempt will often be
initially successful, but an
valueless object, such as a
feather or anvil will fall on
the'head of the character,
indirectly causing the
destruction of the priceless
one after a short pause in
which the character who
has caught the object has
taken a deep breath.
The feather, anvil, of
other object in question is
■ likely to have been dropped
by a mouse, if and only if
the character trying to save
it is a cat".
Cartoon Law ¥ .
All principles of gravity
are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a
shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
adversary's signature sound
will induce motion upward,
usually to the cradle of a
chandelier or the crest of a   ■
flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the
wheels of a speeding auto
need never touch the
Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects
can be in several places at
ws of Physics-
into this theoretical space.
The painter is flattened
against the wall when he
attempts to follow into the
painting. Thisis ult^iately
a problem of-ait,- n^lofsci-
Corollary: Portable holes
must work.
Cartoon. Lew VIII
An}' violent rearrangement of fdin.,? matter is
Cartoon cats possess even
more deaths than the tradi
tional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be
decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled,
or disassembled, but they
cannot be destroyed. After a
few moments of blinking
self-pity, they reinflate,
elongate, snap back, or
Corollary 1: A. cat will
assume the shape of its container.
Corollary 2: Cartoons cats
have the uncanny ability to
coon PnysKs Law I
Below: Cartoon Physics Law VIII
"-f?     Hi
emit piano sounds when
their teeth are transformed
into piano keys after having
a piano dropped on them. .
Cartoon Law IX
For every vengeance there
is an equal and opposite
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that
also applies to the physical
world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
watching it happen to a
duck instead.
Cartoon Law X
Everything (especially a
coyote) falls faster than an
anvil or a large chunk of
terra firma, or anything
from ACME Incorporated.
Cartoon Law XI
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters
temporarily black and
Cartoon Law XII
Rabbits can dig a burrow
from here to there in less
than 20 seconds and emerge
spotlessly clean.
Cartoon Law XIII: The
Vehicle Uncertainty
A vehicle travelling along
a straight path which
extends to the horizon
uninterrupted remains in
state of indeterminacy— .
existing invisibly at all
points along the road simultaneously— until its waveform is collapsed by a villain
entering the road. This
causes the vehicle to coalesce into an observable
form at that location, maintaining high velocity.
Classical cartoon physics
take over at this point.
Translation into plain
As soon as the poor cartoon character steps into the
road, the bus appears to run
him down.
This is particularly true of
tooth-and-claw fights, in
which a character's head
may be glimpsed emerging
from the cloud of altercation at several places Simula
taneously. This effect is
common as well among
bodies that are spinning or
being throttled. A'wacky'
character has the option of   •
self-replication only at
manic high speeds and.may
ricochet off walls to achieve
the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass
through solid walls painted
to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.
This trompeJ'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is
known that whoever paints
an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent
will be unable to pursue him
from everyone at
- ^  5*
i ITA i ti: £«;: a k.., i \a tSEK^.
iaaazKHiSEssffiSiee, of SUS.
SCevin Douglas
Stuff from the Senate.
A  q
Hie Committees of
Senate have been
quite busy, even
though the November meeting lasted only 35 minutes,
which might suggest there is
nothing going on. Not true!
We have approved names
of candidates for graduation
degrees, honorary degrees,
and professors who should
receive emeritus status,
which basically means they
have reached retirement age
and haven't done anything
to disgrace the University
while here. These names all
have to remain confidential,
or as we say, in camera.
The process of curriculum
revision is being revamped
to make it easier and take
less time (and paper). From
now on most of the picky
little changes will be taken
care of by the chair of the
Curriculum committee and
save a lot of time for the
other members.
You probably remember
hearing that Senate
approved a full reading
week instead of just two
days in mid-February. Well,
in order to ensure that
exams don't roll over into
May as a result of this
change, the Academic Policy
committee is reviewing the
matter. It currently stands
that exams are not supposed
to begin until three full days
after the term ends. Since
this rule is sometimes
ignored, your professors
may be able to ignore it
legally in the future.
Finally, if anything in this
article has sounded remotely interesting to you, let me
encourage you to run for
the Senate for next year. It's
definitely worth it if you
enjoy being in student jx>li-
tics but don't give a rats ass
about the AMS (the latter
might qualify a lot of you,
considering the pitiful
attendance at the Special
General Meeting on Nov.
18). The newly approved-
by-Senate guidelines hsive
given you until January.6,
1995 to apply to the
Registar's office if you are
interested in running for
Senate:, or maybe even the
Board of Governors (who
get paid, unlike Senators!).
If you have questions drop
by the Senate/BoG office in
the SUB, Room 260.
Santa, Kevin really would
like a cherry red Porsche in his ■
stocking this year. Pllleeeea-
■ asssseee?
Tiracy MacKinnon'
liuff from the AMS^:
rhat on earth hap-
penedio^ali you
guys on 18
November 1994? The AMS
Spiecial General Meeting
didn't reach quorum; in
fact, it didn't even come
close. Therefore no business
could be done, so it was all
for nothing. If a free concert by Spirit of the West and
Rose Chronicles couldn't
entice UBC students to vote,
what will? A lot of the
changes were supposed to
get even more students
involved and obviously this
is sorely needed. Now, the
AMS Council is in limbo,
since the new code of procedures has been passed, but
we still have to use the old
by-laws. It's difficult to say
what will happen next,-
•akhough I'm sure there will
be: another attempt to get
the by-laws passed. The
thing that I found most saddening was that many people were amazed that quorum wasn't reached and
expressed their disgust in
the apathy of students here -
yet, they weren't at the
Special General Meeting
There is a working group
to determine the AMS
response to the Axworthy
report and to work put our
plan of action.
Additionally, there's a
petition to protest the
changes in post-secondary
funding and the AMS is
speaking to our MP to back
us up in Parliament. As
well, we might be joining
with other non-CFS schools
to develop a joint policy on
the Axworthy report.
(ed. CFS stands for
Canadian Federation of
Students. Student of UBC have
refused to join because, well...
CFS sucks.)
Bella Carvalho
it yon IWfNE "N MV
P<?ilTI»N,   H/0KU>M'7
.."•    y»MK NAN7E?
Lloyd Axworthy and his psychiatrist.
Money problems...
continued from page two.
Calling my credit card a
source of income isn't exactly correct, but it's still a
means of acquiring money,
so it's close enough for me.
I've always found the concept of plastic rather
unnerving, mainly because .
of my remarkable inability
to learn from past mistakes.
This ends with me spending
all of my money on Things I
Want, and running out of
money for Things I Need;
The credit card is a rather
short term solution, but it'll
get me through until after
Christmas, and as for
money then, we'll burn that
bridge when we come to it.
In the meantime, it looks as
if I'm going to have my first
taste of adult life by going
into debt for the first time.
Oh well, I giiess it was
bound to happen sooner or
later, and if Mr. Axworthy
gets his way, it looks like I'll
be poorer than ever. At least
then I'll have a student loan
to supplement my
debt/short term income.
Hmm. Maybe I should use
my student loan to finance
my extensive CD collection.
Welcome to the real world.
Or at least my version of it.
Stuff from Sports.
tjf"^ cience is still #1 in the Intramural's sports world,
^k fact, we've got 5,479 points, a fulll,340 points ahead of
k.J'Totem, our closest competitors. Men are doing well,
with 3,607 points; but the women have fallen behind!
They're 154! points behind the Totem women. Oh no!
C'mon girls, get out there and participate!
Rebates were due last Tuesday. If you didn't get yours in,
sorry, but I can't accept any late applications.
Sports team sign up lists are up in Chem 160 (SUS office).
Sijjn up now! Names will be taken until the end of term. If
you're on a team this term, you must re-register for next
term if you wish to play again.
Most league sports are over now. Congratulations to all
teams who made the playoffs. Thanks to all who participated
in noon runs and other drop-in activities. If you didn't get a'
chance to do them this term, they'll be back next term, starting 10 January.
Last of all, I'd like to congratulate the SUS volleyball team
Hooray for the Bandicoots, who have yet to win a game!
Bella desperately needs a sense of humour for Christmas.
Thinking about
l^tose N^w Year's
Was one of them.
to get iiewolved
with something?
The Science
Society of UBC
Home of almost everyone
else without a life.
I'll do all my homework this term. I'll
read the chapter assignments when
they're due, not the night before the
exam. And this time, I'm going to go 9^
to all my classes, even the ones! hate. "
- Typical New Year Resolution Peterson.
John's Guide to Christm
I distinctly recall last
Christmas. It was tense
and, for the most part,
unpleasant as I spent most
of my time running around
trying to buy everything at
the last minute. I wound up
giving my brother a pair of
white leather bell bottoms
from the second hand disco
store on Hamilton St....
Then I learned that my
brother actually likes disco.
And in order to prevent you
from the horrific fate that
befell me, I have written a
comprehensive guide to surviving Christmas. So, if you
are interested in avoiding
twenty consecutive hours of
Disco Fever, for the love of
God, read this.
There are several factors
to consider when one goes
about decorating for this
holiday season. First, there
is the little matter of mistletoe, as a rule of thumb, only
the genuine article will suffice, no more taping paper
with the word "Mistletoe"
written on it to sprigs of
random flora.
Next comes the tree: last
year, I had the fortune of
being able to travel with my
good friend Zeke on a five
day tree hunting expedition.
This year, due to a more
aggressive exam schedule
and shortened shopping
season, I must limit: my tree
gathering activities to three
o'clock in the morning at
Jethro's Bulk Tree Sales.
There are people that say
the secret to goo 1 tree purchasing comes in buying
one's conifer veil before the
rush to ensure good quality
as well as pleasing prices.
Zeke and I thumb our collective noses at these people
as we will, no doubt, acquire
a stunning example: of a fir
for a fraction of the price
one would pay normally, .
even considering the Boxing
Day sales.
How do we pull this off?
It's a time honored secret
method and thus I cannot
disclose much information
regarding it, but I will venture as far as to say that it
involves a carefully applied
layer of charcoal to one's
Next on the list of all
things Christmasy is tinsel.
It's a wonderful thing to
have randomly strung
around one's house and it
adds that Christmas charm
to eveny corner of your
abode for relatively little
effort. Yet ari other laonus is
the potential tinsel has for
selectively screening any
guests you might have based
on height. A taut line of tinsel strung across a poorly lit
doorway 6'4" in the air will
put your annoying Uncle
Fred on the floor gasping for
breath while you whisk
through unscathed.
Selection of the proper
stockings for your decor is
important. Too much white
fluff around the top and
your artsie friends will think
that you're compensating
for,an overly affectionate
house keeper in your youth.
Too little white fluff and
your engineering friends
might mistake them for
"liquid breath receptacles."
The decision is yours to
What to eat
Eggnog is good. So is
shortbread. Trees are bad.
Since I have never actually
participated in the baking
ritual, I have very little offer
on the creation side of this
debate. If you are interested
in actually baking something for your friends to
enjoy, I suggest that you
acquire some recipes and
allot approximately six
hours per pound of food to
be prepared. The only other
baking advice I can offer is:
Don't do it. Tell your friends
that you've declared the
whole Christmas season as
pot luck.
Write a list of people that
you're obligated to give presents to. Make the rounds
and ask everyone what they
would love for Christmas.
This represents the high end
of the spectrum, so write
the item and its value in the
first column. Now divide
that number by either 2, 3,
or 4, depending on the level
of favours you wish to incur
from that person at a future
date. Place that number in
the next column over. You
should attempt to approach
this number when purchasing a present in the same
genre as the one they
requested. (Note: DO NOT
exceed this number as this
will arouse suspicion.)
Avoiding Relatives
i know the thought of
Aunt Thelma pinching your
cheeks for six hours straight
sends the conventional
shivers down your spine, so
I have come up with four
clever ways to avoid these
embarrassing events. '
1) Never spend more than
two straight hours in the
homestead. A good
excuse is "I'm out shopping for presents."
2) Try. your best to catch
some sort of contagious
disease. This will prevent
the dreaded effect known
as "overly affectionate
3) Let it be known that you
are gay. This is a good
strategy at warding off
conservative, redneck rel-
.   atives.
4) Wear a necklace of garlic
and hiss at everyone.
Even if they aren't
- vampyres, they'll think
that you've lost it and
leave you alone.
If these methods fail you,
you're really in trouble. The
only solution is to kill them
all in their sleep and stack
them in the back yard for
burning at a later date.
Remember, burning is the
best method of body disposal, unless you have an
industrial-sized freezer and a
wood chipper. Then they
can be ground up into so
much fertilizer.
Gracefully Accepting
Stupid Gifts
The time honored failsafe is to gush "Oh, it's wonderful," and then smile and
nod while the relative
explains all the trouble they
went through to get it in
that particular shade of fluorescent purple. If you can't
even identify which bin it
should be recycled into,
don't worry. Just collect,
save them up in your closet
and give them back next
Christmas. This also cuts
down on next years shopping. There s No Gift Like The Present.
One Sunday, at quarter past:
Rog had awakened to see .
That yes, Christmas Day
Was but four weeks away,
Which set him 'round
squealing with glee.
But amidst thoughts of
snow all in drifts,
And Whistler's new super-
speed lifts,
Said Roger, Alas,
Better get off my, er, derriere.
And think about buying
some gifts.
So over the next couple
In offhand.and casual ways,
He asked all his pals
And family and gals
What presents would get
their OK's.
And when Rog's list was
He wrote it all down on a
The author'commends;
He had many friends,
For it ended right down by
his feet.
So down to the bank did he
To see what he had there for
Thus picture his gall
When seeing how small
A balance his statement did
But just when his buying
seemed marred,
Roger laughed out long and
And quietly bet
That Visa'd regret
The day that they gave him
that card.
And so, plastic weapon in
He set off for Retail Land,
And thus to the Mall,
Where one could see all
The tinsel and lights one
could stand.
Now folks, you must all
please remember
That though it was not yet
01' Rog was not daunted
In finding gifts wanted;
They've had Christmas sales
since September.
He raced with aplomb
through the crowd,
While bearing his gifts high
and proud.
Fightin^off scores,
He emfigedir&mlhe stores,
Bloodied, but never
Whilst savoring moments of
He chanced to glance down
at his palm.
The Visa, as such,
Was hot to the touch,
And ticked as it cooled, like
a bomb.
But vict'ry was not far away.
As Rog jumpedvback into
the fray.
And so on he pressed
To finish his quest
And make his escape
through The Bay.
But suddenly, to his distress,
He heard on the public
The item he'd missed,
The last on his list,
Was on sale for 10% less.
Thus feeling a terrible fright
At having no prize from his
With daredevil lunge,
And desperate plunge,
He snapped up the last one
in sight.
SO Roger checked over his
Lest anyone else had been
For who could defend
Forgetting a friend?
The poor soul would surely
be pi...um... upset.
But here, we must offer a
For the Visa card, valiant
and fair,
For whom: that transaction
Of last satisfaction
Was finally too much to
That swipe through the
reader did spell
The brave little Visa's death
knell. '
It did.not give in
To save its own skin,
But cleared the last purchase
and fell.
As Roger walked slow to the
A silence did spread through
the store.
Ant tf. roughout the crowd,
Hat.- fei and heads bowed
To hon >r their fallen in war.
The molten remains of the
Were laid to rest in the
And one could hear 'round
The sweet, solemn sound     ,
Of Taps For The Creditors'
Guard. "
And come Christmas, Roger
did meet
A bevy of smiles so sweet.
The cost was sure worth
The sum of that mirth,
After all - who has to eat?
But how were they packaged
so pure?
Rog cannot wrap, to be sure.
Yea, they looked deluxe;;
For ten extra bucks,
He had them all wrapped at
the store.
It is best to give, not receive,
And this fable doth not
Merry Christmas to you,
And Good New Year too;
Now if you'll excuse me, the
bus for Blackcomb is leaving any minute...
Beyond the BSc Lecture Series ■ Beyond First Year
Information Night ■ BioSoc Gyotaku ■ BPP Trike Race
Chemistry Magic Show * Computer Science Car Rally
Departmental Club Displays ■ Microbi Homebrew
Contest a Monday Opening Bzzr Carden
* Physsoc Paper Airplane Contest
'Race ■ Red Cross Blood Clinic
vie Marathon Night ■ SUS Open
Contest m and the world famous
Science Week Dance


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