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The 432 Feb 12, 2002

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12 February 2002
'Bullshit Jesus, those are obviously my footprints/
God Quits
Odin, Lucifer vying for top job
Ethereal Plane (AP)
In an unexpected announcement from
the heavens today, God has announced
His resignation from His position as
CEO of all existence. He has given His two
weeks notice and has begun making
preparations for retirement.
Reports of this have shaken the entire firmament of the heavens and the Earth and
scared quite a few cattle.
Asked for the reasons behind His unexpected announcement, God claimed that it
was partly due to the lack of recognition
for His work.
"I mean, when things went right, everybody lauded praise upon themselves,
thinking they did everything themselves.
And then, if even the slightest thing went
wrong, all the blame came to Me. I've been
this planet's scapegoat for the last million
years. Even when somebody did something really terrible, they acted all innocent
and claimed that 'It was God's idea'. Who
the fuck thinks up a Crusade?"
It's believed that the terrorist attacks of
September 11, 2001 were a principal cause
for God's decision to retire early.
"Yeah, those idiots were a major factor.
'God wants me to kill lots of innocent people, He told me so in this memo.' Bullshit.
Trying to pin the blame on Me on that one
too. But it's not like it's the first time. It's
been happening ever since I decided to let
humans think for themselves. And every
single time, they try to blame Me."
by   Jack    McLaren
God continued to say that other reasons
for this move include making more time
for friends and family.
"The stress on My family has been unbelievable. I haven't spent any time with My
son for the past 6,000 years. I hope He hasn't lashed out in any sort of attention-getting scheme. And My wife, who has supported me through this whole 'creation'
Asked what He plans to do with His time
off, God replied that He planned to relax
and 'just not create anything for a while'.
God rejected rumours that He was going to
turn mortal for the love of a human
"You've been watching too many movies."
Asked where He would spend His retirement, God replied, "Florida."
Jove, who has been retired for the past
1600 years or so, has invited God to go skiing with him in the Alps around Easter.
"Well, it is My son's re-birthday, but I
might still accept. Perhaps we can make a
family trip of it. I have never had time to
do these sorts of things before."
God has also apparently signed up for
oldtimer's hockey with Zeus, Thor, and
numerous lesser Gods.
His son, Jesus H. Christ, is likely to be
named successor to his Father's empire in a
press conference tomorrow. Though this
sits well with many stockholders which
have been currying His favor for the last
LOT 15 f<JLL
and   Pat   Spacek
h 11 p : //www. plif.com
two millennia, some groups are pushing
their own candidates. Among others, Odin
and Lucifer are reportedly vying for the
top job.
"While many of My Father's followers
have supported Me, and I'm sure will continue to support Me, there are those who
have been less supportive. There are those
who have, shall we say, disagreed with me.
There are those who have, shall we say,
tried to undercut me. There are those who
have, shall we say,...killed me. There's no
'Iscariot' in 'team'."
Jesus Christ had somewhat less to say
when asked what, if any, policy changes he
would be making assuming he took over
the role of supreme deity.
"I...well...this interview is over."
Having nothing else to do, reporters
turned to interviewing each other in order
to make up more news.
"We have always supported God, no matter who He (or She) is," claimed Randy
Lucing, CNN cameraman.
"Leave me alone. I have to fill 23.5 hours
of television per day for the next three
weeks. That is unless something else happens, like the Virgin Mary appearing in a
taco or something," stated another
Administrators from heaven have advised
existence consumers to prepare for possible service failures on March 1, as shifts in
upper management are expected to dis
rupt the wonders that God provides. In
their press release, the administrators
assured the media that this will not be the
end of the world or any sort of judgement
day. People should feel free to go on sinning as usual.
"Only a few should notice any problems
such as spontaneous existence failure. Rest
assured, this is normal, and to be expected.
Furthermore, only a relative few Ethereal
beasts will be spewed forth on to the Earth
during this time."
Other effects might include intermittent
gravity, drought, locust plagues, and an
upsurgence in the popularity of Pamela
Anderson. Furthermore, there is no word
yet on whether or not the sun will rise that
What also remains unclear at this time is
how God's retirement will affect organized
religion. Holy war is almost inevitable as
the disparate groups try to affect the outcome of tomorrow's board meeting.
"No longer will people be fighting in the
name of one indifferent God; they will now
be fighting in the name of various Gods,"
commented Barney Glotz. "The Gods
themselves are likely to get into the fray."
"Nothing good can come of it," agreed
Lucifer with a slight grin and a twinkle in
his eye.
Shiva was unavailable for comment as he
was busy planning the destruction and
reconstruction of the world.
Cell Phone Virus
Despite their reputation, the Borg have been known
to make their share of tactical blunders.
San Jose, California (Reuters)
With the steadily increasing capabilities of
the basic cellular phone including web
browsing, instant messaging, and email,
computer viruses have begun to make the
transition to cell phones. A new virus
known as the cellular interaction virus
(C.I.V.) is believed to be infecting cell
phones all over the world. It started with
an unfortunate port between a Nokia
phone and a Microsoft Windows computer. The virus, having made the jump
between systems, has now begun spreading through the cell phone network. It was
at first thought that only Nokia phones
would be at risk, but others have started to
show signs of the virus outbreak.
Infection by the virus results in a condition known as advanced cellular disruption syndrome (A.C.D.S.). The symptoms
include the phone wasting precious hours
of airtime calling random numbers and in
the advanced stages, it calls relatives that
you don't want to talk to and leaves messages such as, "Call me back, you old bat."
The phone may also be susceptible to other
disruptions such as randomly cutting off
Another symptom of A.C.D.S. is the com
plete failure of the phone, requiring the
purchase a new model. Nokia, Erikson,
and other cell phone manufacturers have
been inexplicably slow to develop a plan to
fight this particular problem.
Researchers working on the virus issue
blame the amount of time that most cell
phones are turned on for the quick spread
of the virus.
"The best possible measure to protect
yourself is to abstain from using the
phone," claims Barnard Clives, who has
been working on the problem for the past
"Yeah right. I do it everyday," says
teenage cell phone user, Chris Hallin. "I
am not going to just stop, and neither is
anyone else. Get real; that's not a solution."
Clives concedes that this is probably not a
practical solution, and he says that he is
working on developing a new countermea-
sure that teenagers and other cell phone
users can completely ignore.
The complete impact of the virus is not yet
known, a fact which is spreading irrational
fears among cellular phone users.
"We don't believe that it can spread to
humans," concludes Clives, "yet." s?*St t&J#83S!S®iSgSm i &
Page Two
12 February 2002
Volume Fifteen
Issue Ten
12 February 2002
Friend Computer
Benjamin Warrington
Dan Anderson
Dan Anderson
Albert Chen
Miyako Hewett
Jo Krack (g/mme/crac/c@hofmai/.comJ
Andy Martin
Kevin Nottle
Ben Warrington
Frank Yang
Eggy Yuh
Infrared (aka Reactor Shielding)
May Tee
Kristin Lyons
Corrie Baldwin
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information (with 20-sided die)
Contact us at: the432@hotmail.com
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
The 432 is published fortnightly
from the pancreas of the Colonel
Klinck building. In no way does the
432 endorse anything we do. Especially if we tell you to do it too. We
do not claim to have seen the ghost
of Princess Margaret. Unfortunately, we can not say the same thing
about the corporeal Sameer Wahid.
Your cell phone really can give you
a computer virus. Throw it out, or
you may give it to the staff of The
432; they know how to dispose of it
properly. Same thing goes for your
car. There are all sorts of computer
controlled features on newer model
cars. You wouldn't want a malicious
virus messing up your fuel injection,
or anything, would you? Better to
just give the car to us. The sooner
the better.
Editorial Ravings
Ben Warrington
Well, it appears that I do get to
write an editorial, after all. I wasn't sure that it would happen
because we have somewhat more material
to work with than last time. So I am going
to rant about various things as has become
the habit of the editors.
He quit. Somebody always quits. Usually,
it is due to personality conflicts to use the
polite term. Sameer can be as annoying as
hell, but he has the bad habit of being at
least partially right most of the time. He
also does a shitload of work around here.
Everybody's screwed because no one else
is gullible enough to take on all of those
responsibilities. Hee hee.
Driver Training
Student drivers in Vancouver suck. They
really suck. I recently waited behind one in
a left turn lane for three lights. He was first
in line, but he couldn't quite get himself
around the corner on the yellow light. To
be fair, student drivers are not supposed to
be good at driving, that is why they are
taking driver training, but I do find the
contrast funny compared to home. In rural
Alberta, virtually everybody is driving
when they are twelve, though a few might
wait until they are legal (with a learner's
permit at 14). This results in the student
drivers actually being better drivers than
everyone else on the road. Everybody
already knows how to drive, and when
they take the course, they are on their best
behaviour because they want to make sure
they pass and get their insurance discount.
Now I come to Vancouver, and I actually
have to watch out for student drivers.
Their are some who might confuse the gas
petal and the brake, and certainly most
cannot accelerate smoothly nor can they
maintain a constant speed. It's funny.
Chairs and Rudeness
What has become known as the chair incident occurring last week was actually three
incidents. The first occurred at about noon
o'clock in which a random person barged
into the SUS office demanding that we
return their chairs. He identified himself as
being from the CS3, but would not give a
name when asked. This being the first Corrie and I had heard of it, we told him that
we would get our president to talk to their
president, and he stormed off.
As a side note, the chairs in question have
LSK 121 marked on the back, which is
Rick's lab, which is adjacent to, but not
under the auspices of the CS3 office.
Later, at about 2, with Kat in the office, a
group of people came in a demanded the
chairs be returned. This time, the group
physically removed some of the chairs.
Neither Corrie nor I were there, so this was
also the first that Kat had heard of the
Later, at about 3:30,1 received a phone call
from Moyra Ditchfield also demanding the
chairs be returned. I told her that we
would figure out what was going on, and
get our president to call her back. She very
rudely told me that their was nothing to
discuss and the chairs must be returned.
Again, as a side note, Moyra Ditchfield is
the undergraduate facilities manager. That
would put Rick's lab under her job description, but chairs are somewhat peripheral to
her duties.
When we were finally able to rationally
work things out at this end, it turned out
that Plant Ops told Reka that the existing
furniture could stay in the office when we
moved in, and the chairs were present at
that time. This doesn't firmly establish
where the chairs actually belong, but it
does explain our confusion over their
demands. If any of these groups had ventured to ask politely, we might have been
able to sort things out without hard feelings.
Personally, I don't give a flying fuck about
5 or more chairs, but I do very much resent
the rudeness that was shown to me and the
other exec, especially by Ms. Ditchfield
who is supposed to be acting as an authority. As for CS3,1 am going to assume that it
was a couple of individuals acting on their
own, and that it doesn't represent the
whole of the club or its executives. I sure
hope that I am right.
Dan Anderson
Hates You All
Guess what? I'm not the editor anymore. This means two things. The
first is that I don't need to worry
about getting fucked over, because whatever gets printed isn't my responsibility.
This means I have all kinds of new creative
freedoms; I'm doing work before Ben has
gotten too near this thing, so if you notice
smidges of me here and there, that's why.
The second (wonderful) thing is that I can
go home on Monday night with an hour
till press time and two pages empty and
not feel any remorse.
Anyways, so I have creative freedoms
now. You'll note that I got to some of the
exec reports; there's great news about
those. I had received the impression from a
past editor (coughbreecough) that it was
verboten to change - even for spelling or
grammar - an exec's report.
I think I'll leave any spelling and grammar mistakes alone, since if you're dumb
enough to type 'em in the first time, you
deserve to have a readership of 4500 notice
that you have the grammar of a 5th grader.
On the other hand, while I'm not going to
make any huge content changes, I'm
damned well going to comment on their
reports every chance I get.
While stupidity in politics rears it's head
only rarely in SUS, it is frequently blatant
in campus-wide politics. Case in point; I
had the misfortune of not getting 10% in
the AMS elections recently ($110 of beer
that would have gone straight to you, the
voting populace. Your loss.) and I had the
much greater misfortune of attending
more than one all-candidates'-meeting.
This might not sound too horrid to some
of you, but anyone who has been to one
knows not to go to a second. If painful
speeches don't suffice (ie: "I will keep
tuition low, increase services, and decrease
class sizes" - right, with no extra money
from a Liberal government? And you plan
to do all this with what authority exactly?
The provincial government doesn't really
care what your opinion is, and you'll hardly be able to get 30,000 signatures from
UBC's student populace on a petition saying that tuition should be kept low when
labs are every second week and some coop students are expected to get jobs after
under a dozen useful hours in the lab) then
the fact that an unnamed member of the
RBF got pointed in a rez for open alcohol
(we're the fucking RBF! What did you
expect? An open bouquet of roses? A fucking pony show?) surely would prevent a
second appearance.
(See what I mean about creative freedoms? A paragraph in parentheses breaking a sentence in half! Innovation! Or at
least drunkenness...)
Next time you bother to vote, try counting
the contradictions on any given politician's
poster. I had six on one, and I didn't even
read them all.
I love being able to bitch people out publicly. It's like venting, but archived meticu
lously in a pile upstairs in main library so
that people ten, fifty, even a hundred years
from now will be able to look back and say
"wow, The 432 wasn't funny back then.
And that stupid dart, fiend, whatever he's
called guy just complained about the other
morons." Kinda cool, actually. One of those
ty kinda deals.
There's another great thing about not
being an editor; I don't need to form cohesive sentences, or even spell things correctly. I scoff at spellchecking. I scarf at pizza. I
spellcheck at pizza. Or does the pizza
spellcheck me? Truly, a question to be reckoned.
If you feel like being an asshole and you're
an editor, odds are you're not going to be
able to pull it off. On the other hand, not
being an editor means you can have a bad
day and take it out on everyone. So you
can fuck off now.
Well, since I'm sober now, I should write
about something interesting.
There are 518 permutations of 2 men and
2 women in sexual combinations, including the possibility of one person videotaping (ie, including all permutations of 1 man
and 2 women or 2 men and 1 woman). This
is easy to figure out if you are studying for
a Stat 241 exam and it's 4am and you really don't want to study. This total does not
include loops, since the counting was
based on a tree-map approach, and does
treat every individual as separate. This
could be useful if, well, it's not really useful. But you can borrow my videocamera if
you want to count for yourself.
What's your security clearance, citizen? 12 February 2002
Page Three
Nice Guys Really Do     PCT CD Review
Get Screwed
Ben Warrington
I am a geek. I hate to have to admit it, but
it is true. Geekdom does have its effects
on the world of dating and love, and
this being the Valentine's issue, I suppose I
have to write about it.
Getting girls when you are a geek is a very
difficult matter; particularly when most of
the available women are of the small town
degenerate variety. My current girlfriend,
to whom we will return later, blames my
former inability to get girls on things like
my collection of stuffed animals and the
fact that I had the deckplans for the star-
ship Enterprise on my bedroom wall. I
would be inclined to agree except that I
rarely got girls back as far as my bedroom
to see these things, so they couldn't have
had that much effect, negative or otherwise.
Towards the end of high school, I decided
that the girls in my town were all
philistines, and that things would be better
once I got to university. Afterall, at university, there would be roughly 30 000 women
between the ages of 18 and 24, all supposedly intelligent.
As an interlude, I had my second most
successful relationship at the end of Grade
Twelve. It went fairly well for about eight
weeks. After this time, she began to realize
that she was falling for me. Of course, this
meant that she had to dump me. I am not
sure I have figured my way through that
one yet. Thus, I came to university.
I found, at university, that there were a lot
of degenerate people there as well, and the
girls seemed to be about the same as back
home. On average, they were smarter, but
otherwise, they were just as incomprehensible. The one thing that worked in my
benefit, however, was statistics. The pool of
women was two to three orders of magnitude greater than at home.
1 won't go too much into the details, but I
had a couple of short relationships here.
Mostly, it worked the same as in High
School. Girl thinks I'm cute. Girl makes out
with me. Girl starts to get to know me. Girl
is not interested in a relationship, right
now. Hmmm ...
To be honest, I am not sure what I did
wrong. Girls like chocolate, and they like
kittens. Why didn't she like my chocolate
covered kitten?
I did eventually find a girl. The first time I
recall seeing her, I was quite spaced out.
She said "Hi."
I said, "Hi."
Now, with my record, you'd think that I
would have jumped at the opportunity. A
girl actually came up to me and said, "Hi."
I, however, went back to staring off into
space, and discouraged, she went away.
About two hours later, I said to myself,
more-or-less literally, "Oh fuck, she was
cute." I was really on the ball on that one,
Well, anyway, I guess everyone gets a second chance. The next week, I saw her
again, and over time, the gratuitous flirting
back and forth developed until we finally
got it over with and made out. That was
three years ago last Friday.
For some inexplicable reason, this girl
seemed to like me more as she got to know
Ironically, my roommate in first year may
have helped. He did not seem to like her
very much. He probably couldn't understand why I would be getting more action
than he was. I think that he thought more
highly of his ability to get girls than mine.
I think it came down to being mostly a
matter of him not being able to see why
anyone would go out with either one of us.
Anyway, I get wonderful stories from my
girlfriend about things that he would tell
her when I was out of the room (going to
the bathroom, or whatever). Apparently, I
had a masturbation disorder whereby I
would do it more-or-less 24-7. I guess he
was trying to scare her off or something.
Yeah, well, look who's getting more now.
My girlfriend turned out to be a geek-
boy's dream. One time while we were driving from the farm to the city (People in
the country really do talk like this; everybody knows which farm and which city),
we were having a discussion on Physics. I
know, but I already admitted to being a
Anyhoo, at one point in the conversation,
she said, "You are so smart ... it kind of
turns me on."
I am not really sure where that came from,
but it hardly matters. That is exactly the
sort of thing that a geek wants to hear, but
no real woman will ever say ... except that
mine did. It turns out that nice guys really
do get screwed.
Good at filling awkward spaces like this?
Write for the 432
Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice, and
contain the author's name and contact
Contact: the432@hotmail.com
ben-Jcu #1 for 2002: (by Ben Tippett)
they asked godzilla
"why do you always break, things?"
he said "well, it's fun!"
Frank Yang
Postmodern Critical Theory: An Incomprehensible Delight.
Fans of Postmodern Critical Theory
(PCT) rejoice. The group's newest
compilation release for 2002 retains
its signature non-mainstream charm all the
devoted fans have come to love. Critic
enthusiasts need not fear, the group is far
from selling out by going mainstream. The
deconstructionist's shtick is alive and well,
and PCT 's newest
12 essay release,
titled The Thousand
Thousand Theories: A
Tour de Farce is adequate proof their
unique vocabulary
remains as impenetrable as ever.
making their release. Texts like "Killing Me
Softly With This Psychoanalysis" and "Not
Art If I Don't Say So" speak deep from the
heart and create a mental cacophony that
goes right along with the prevalent linguistic dissonance found throughout A Tour De
Though not all is grim and apocalyptic,
the tone picks up near the end of the collection. Addressing itself with tongue in
cheek fashion, texts like "Hubris Bogus"
and "Intertextuality-Ain't Nothin' Behind
da Verbiage", PCT dissects the humorous
and shows it is not afraid of its own fallings
(though only those who have made it this
far are available for comment, a shame
really.) My personal favourite is the final
essay of the compilation, "Reality, Wassat?"
It is the perfect
■^ •■ ^\ -, -____£_____!
This release, like
many other works
by PCT, is a rehashing of old ideas with
enough window
dressing thrown in
to justify the new
glossy cover. But
this is a formula that
works and PCT has done the i ight thing by
sticking to the plan and giving the audience what they want. The collection opens
with "Hyperreality With Fries", a catchy
text that sets the mood for the rest of the
collection. The thesis is reminiscent of the
1967 release, Of Grammatology, but contains
enough fancy vocabulary to qualify as an
original idea.
The rest of the texts are far more 'dense'
and less reader friendly. Most of the other
essays are pretty heavy stuff for the casual
reader, but the devout poststructuralist
will no doubt dig deep and find a treasure
trove where no sane person would think to
look. It is obvious to the fully initiated that
PCT has done much soul searching before
thing to read
\\ hen the
become too
grounded in
leality and just
stop caring
about the 'otherness' of existence.
At only 12
essays and
coming just
under 180,000
words (not
counting . citations and bibliography), The
Thousand Thousand Theories: A Tour de Farce
is woefully short. By the end, or long before
then, the whole experience is sure to bring
a tear to your eye. Many people hear a few
words from PCT and think they're bogus,
still others spend the effort to make sense
of their work and still denounce them as
shameless quacks. I for one will always
remain a loyal fan. Who cares if the whole
thing doesn't make any sense and is proud
of it? I say not making sense is half the fun-
and the other half is persuading those who
already agree.
Tm pretty sure that's a basket weave on the
album cover.
Tired of Sleeping in
Spent Semen?
Try new Bed-Sized
Comes in four sizes:
/ Double
Queen y
Backseat of* 69 Chevy
Bouncy: The Fucker Sucker Upper Page Four
12 February 2002
The Start of a Grand Tradition
Kevin Nottle
Greco-Roman. Oiled.
Wrestling. That most noble and
ancient of sports, able to trace its
history back beyond the original
Greek Olympiad, has recently staved off
an attack from a spectre of evil more dire
than the WWF. Jell-O wrestling during Science Week.
Yes, that great week of science and intellectual pursuit was demeaned by the sight
of individuals squirming around each
other in a kiddie pool filled with blue, cold,
edible gelatin. How did this spectacle of
the ridiculous come about you ask? Like
many things around SUS, through sleep
deprived brains searching for answers to
inane questions.
The question at hand was what sort of
filler activities should science week feature? Jell-O and hot dog eating contests
were nixed due to the possibility of choking contestants. The master of this event,
Mr. Groves, with his mind firmly in the
gutter then suggested mud wrestling. An
individual who shall remain nameless (but
considers himself to be an astrologer)
added one plus one, got three, and suggested Jell-O wrestling.
Andrew Tinka and Lana Rupp performing The Dance of the
Bad-Tempered Hedgehogs In Heat In Springtime
The Science Week people then went into
action. The farcical event was to take place
within a two metre by one metre inflatable
kiddy pool filled to a minimum height of
15 centimetres by blue Jell-O. To achieve
this, 48 kilos of "Berry Blue" Jell-O were
purchased, making 288 litres of the slimy
substance, a touch short of the requisite
300. This problem was solved by the acquisition of some clear medical gelatin. The
water was boiled, the powder mixed in,
and the whole mess allowed to set in the
SUB walk in fridge.
Now comes game day, the Wednesday of
the most important week in the UBC calendar, Science Week. The Jell-O filled buckets
were brought to the SUB ballroom, and
emptied into the pool just brought freshly
inflated from the Bike Kitchen. To ensure a
uniform science blue colour throughout,
the masses of gelatin were mixed by hand.
(And was it ever frigid, I only put my arm
in it, I pity ' those who were fully
immersed.) The field was set, and in came
the 12 contestants.
Six fine virile strapping males, (scratch
that, make it five, I forgot Tinka was one of
them) strode in, sure of their place high in
the final standings. Sweeping in majestically after them were the six female competitors, ready to smear themselves in
mounds of cold gelatinous masses while engaging in the cat fight ,
to end all cat fights.
The contest was soon underway.
Each of the three rounds was to
consist of three bouts, with the
guys and girls alternating bouts.
The first bout was between
Andrew Tinka and Mr. Wan.
Despite the raucous cheers of the
spectating hordes in red jackets,
the EUS President was quickly
defeated. The following bout
between the past and present SUS
sports reps, Sara Stamm and
Kristin Lyons was also short and
sweet as Sara picked up her opponent and placed her on her butt
Our outgoing AMS president, despite
cheers of "fight, fight, fight" soon fell to Mr.
Carter. His successor, Kristen Harvey, did
no better, thrown out of the ring by Mea-
gan Reed, the sister of Kristin Reed from
the opposing UBC for U slate. The next
bout was over too quick for me to notice
anything. The final bout of
round one featured our
lovely SUS president Reka
Sztopa, against another
vertically challenged individual, Laura Reeves-Bow-
erman. This battle of the
midgets was soon over,
with the longer named
individual winning.
The second round featured
the first substitution by an
AMS hack, as Erfan bailed
from     the     competition,
suckering   in   his   fellow
governor-elect Mark Fras-
er. Despite the abruptness
of the change, this bout featured    actual    wrestling.
Fraser and Holmes grappled,   trying   to   get   the
proper grip on their opponent to attain the requisite
pin. Needless to say it was
one of the more boring bouts,
with   Fraser   finally   being
dumped on his ass. The following girls
bout between Reka and Kristin Harvey
was more interesting, starting off with a
splashing duel between the two beauties.
While     the     crowd
ducked for cover from
the   spray   of   sticky
cold   blue   globules,
Harvey emerged victorious. Mergons and
Wan provided a treat
for the ladies by doffing their shirts before
going at each other.
But it was short lived
as   Mergons  won  in
short order. The final
bout     had      Kristin
Lyons loosing to the
midget Laura.
An intermission then
ensued as more Jell-O
was brought up from
the fridge downstairs
to replace what had been flung out during
the previous melees. Keeping the masses
occupied was a friendly match between
Desi, and our lovely editrix, Lana Rupp.
Mmmm, Desi and Lana in Jell-O. I have
one complaint about this particular bout,
unknown. Some Eban dude, whom I
assume is some AMS hack, who converted
his verbal wrestling skills to the Jell-o pool,
dumping Wan on his butt. The final bout
featured Kristin vs. Kristin, with Kristin
winning again, and Kristin continuing her
losing streak to three. (Ryu vs.
Ryu?   I'll   put   $10   on   Ryu,
methinks. -fiend)
This left us with competition for
2nd place between Carter and
Holmes, while Kristin and
Laura fought for the girls 2nd
place slot. To resolve this dilemma, a tiebreaker was called for.
Reka Sztopa and Sara Stamm Going At It
Desi's costume. She was wearing one of
those classic red flannel long underwear
sets that you thought only your grandfather ever wore, and it concealed everything. Andrew Tinka, on the other hand
was attired in a proper wrestling leotard,
leaving zip to the imagination. Now if only
these two individuals had swapped costumes, all would have been perfect.
After the entertaining intermission, and
deposition of new blue slime, the contest
began anew, with two successive bouts
between undefeated titans. Messrs Mer-
gens and Carter, as befitted their status of
equal dominance fought long and hard,
even resorting to cheap tricks such as the
old "pull the shirt over his head" and "Jell-
O in the face" tricks. But in the end, there
can be only one, and Carter was not the
one. Laura and Megan sadly did not prove
as entertaining, with Reed maintaining her
In effort to boost his chances of winning,
the horde of 'Geers sang the engineering
hymn, but to no avail, as Tinka went down
for his third straight loss. Reka's final bout
against Sara was a mismatch if I ever saw
one. A veritable David and Goliath, but
without the story book ending, and with
the compensation of a butt slap administered by Sara to Reka. That forced the air
conditioning up a notch or two. Wan,
rather than going up against Erfan, as the
original roster would suggest, or even his
designated substitute Mark Fraser, found
himself squaring off against a complete
Before the entrants in these two
decisive matches could be determined, the scores had to be tabulated. During this tabulation, a
WWF style demonstration
match went on to appease the
matches. Since I was tabulating,
I couldn't see exactly what happened. The pertinent detail is
that in a gesture of un-WWF like
sportsmanship, the two contestants shook
hands before engaging in the trash talking
and flurry of people's elbows. After this
minor formality was dealt with, they got
onto the meat of'the match, dunking one
Michael Groves in the gelatinous mass
over which he had been presiding for the
Michael Groves, freshly thrown onto his sweet, sweet ass. Want me to lick it off you, Mike?
Sexy Tinka R>'
last hour. Being in charge of Science Week,
he had made himself the ref for the match,
and therefore thought himself above the
mess, but no more. Our two Stone Cold
wannabes had him completely covered in a
sticky blue mess in no time.
In this state of disarray, he then presided
over Carter's defeat of Holmes, and subsequent capture of second place. Kristin Harvey's defeat of Laura featured Jell-O shampoos, the latest in hair styling. The awards
were then presented to the guys, with the
first three places going to Mergens, Carter
and Holmes. Reed led the
female category, with Kristin
Harvey and Laura following.
The final bout held at the Jell-O
arena was one that Tinka just
barely won, as he went against
Lana. I think he did it just to
cavort with his former RBF co-
candidate. There was a price to
be paid however, as some Jell-O
was inserted down the back of
Andrew's leotard, making its
cold squishy home where the
sun doesn't shine.
I'm going to cut it off there, while
we still have some readers. Right?
Right?!? Hello? Is anyone there?
Enjoy making funny shapes out of mud and baking them?
Want to smudge pigment onto animal skin?
Like the idea of scribbling all day long?
Get a Bachelor's in Fine Arts Todav! 12 February 2002
Page Five
Girl's Side
Miyako Hewett
Stop yer whinin'
I have become accustomed to listening to
numbers upon numbers of guys complaining about girls. I have listened to
at least 5+ guy friends complaining about
"that girl" and his various love woes. Guys,
learn to read between the lines; girls get
labeled as bitches for stringing you along,
and some do indeed string ya along, yet,
many also give you enough hints. Stop
being so fucking stupid, it's all under your
noses, it's practically written on their forehead! Here is my guide to reading between
the lines.
Guy #1:1 had a friend, let's call him Chad,
who was so infatuated with a girl he had
only met a few times. He would walk her
to the library at night, e-mail her constantly, and phone often. Yet, she had a
boyfriend. He knew this, and he claimed
many times to me, that she was "having
problems" with him. Essentially, he was
waiting around for her to dump the
boyfriend and go out with him. He figured, that she would turn to the
"guyfriend" after. This is a mistake, there is
a very low probability that your lady
friend will dump her current boyfriend for
you. If she was going to, she would have
done it in the early stages of the "friendship". Like, say, the first month. She doesn't want you, she has a boyfriend. She may,
actually value the friendship, or she may
be using you. I sure hope you can tell the
Chad also had the annoying habit of asking me what his chances were with a given
girl, that he had shortly met. He didn't
even know her yet, how the fuck did you
expect to know your chances. It's like walking in to class on the first day and already
knowing exactly what your mark is going
to be. Guys, why don't you try talking to
her, maybe even flirt a bit. Gage the reaction. If the girl is in a steady relationship, a
reference may come out. If you are still not
sure, ask her out to a casual date. If she
says no, she means no.
Guy #2: Friend number two complained
regularly about girls that told him "I'm not
ready for a relationship" A variant of this is
"1 don't want a boyfriend now." Translation: "I don't want to go out with you". If a
girl really wants to be in a relationship
with you, she will be, regardless of the circumstance (unless something really traumatic happened to her, like her mother was
killed in a car wreck). For instance, I really
did not want to be in a relationship-1 had
dealt with enough jerks- when I met my
current boyfriend. But he was great, 1 really liked him, and despite the bad timing, I
ended up dating him. Three years later, I
am still with him.
Guy a3: One of my best friends of all times
had many woes. He was a great guy, he
was a geek, yes, but otherwise was funny,
smart and cute. Maybe you're asking why I
didn't go out with him. Well, since I knew
him since 1 was three, and since he lived
around the corner, it felt like incest. This
poor guy was plagued with "friendships"
that went no where. Many times, he was
told "I don't want to risk the relationship".
Boys, don't bother pushing for one - it's not
going to happen. Indeed, what is said is
quite literal, many girls really don't want to
ruin the friendship, however, it is also like
saying "I've gotten to know you and you're
not good enough to be my boyfriend" or
"You're not sexy enough, there is no chemistry."
So my advice for Valentine's day is, fuck
the holiday- it's mainly commercial, go out
and have fun, be single or.not, and for
fuck's sake read between the lines. If a girl
wants you, you will know, trust me. You
will know. So get out there, and have fun.
Eggy Yuh
Potato Queen
rice king. noun. A white guy with perverse fetish for Asian girls (the smaller, the
better). Sample usage: "I think that guy
Mike is kind of cute, but I think he's a rice
king. It'll never work."
Flashback to 1994 (this may be hard for
your firsties, but play along): I'm
waiting for friends outside Capitol 6
(Capitol Sex, more like), before the monster
that is Silvercity was born. An 80-year old
white man in what looked like green hospital scrubs asked if I wanted to see a
movie with him, and then have kinky sex.
I told him to fuck off. He then proceeded to
proposition all other Asian girls in the
immediate area, until he finally disappeared into the perverted mist. I swear if I
ever see him again, he's getting his fucking
rice king balls cut off.
In case you haven't figured out, rice kings
are gross. Problem is, most guys don't realize if they are a part of this growing phenomenon, or even worse, try to shrug it off
as statistically acceptable ("in this city/campus/bar, the chances of my hooking up
with an Asian chick are inevitable!"). Many
others haven't even heard of the phenomenon, much less the very descriptive (and
fun to use) term. It's not quite the same
thing as liking brown hair and a nice
laugh. Rice kingdom is much more fetish-
based, thus making it repulsive (see above
Plus, there are a lot of misconceptions
about Asian girls that help perpetuate rice
kingdom. Such as:
(1) We're kinky in bed. Not generally, no.
Rice King
Our parents raised us to think that sex is
dirty, masturbation is totally out of the
question, and that homosexuality is the
work of the devil. Kinkiness in bed is just
too much of a stretch for most. (Similarly,
Asian family values dictate that an individual's success reflects well on the family and
adds to its honour. By extension, not doing
well means getting your ass kicked. Kind
of like Klingons, but without the weird
forehead ornamentation.)
(2) We're exotic. Not bloody likely. I was
born and raised in Vancouver, speak Chinese like a 5-year old on crack, and haven't
been to the "homeland" in 16 years. (Funny
story: picture me, 5 years old, stepping off
the plane in Hong Kong. I asked my parents whether we were in Chinatown, not
understanding that there was a place completely populated by Chinese people.
Strange...you could substitute "Richmond"
for "Hong Kong" and have a sentence of
similar meaning...)
(3) We're meek and mild. Again, couldn't
be further from the truth. Dating an Asian
girl is like owning a Pekinese: we have
expensive taste, expect presents and constant attention, whine excessively, and
withhold sex as punishment. (Well, maybe
that last part isn't like the Pekinese. Unless
you're a geer.) Oh, and don't forget our
skill with the guilt trip. Always keep in
mind that Chinese girlfriend syndrome all
too quickly morphs into Chinese mom syndrome, which is much, much scarier.
Having said all of this, I have to admit that
it definitely goes the other way:
a large majority of Asian girls only date
white guys (potato queens?). The affinity
for white guys has less to do with nasty
fetishes, and more to do with disgust for
wimpy Asian guys...and well, sometimes
size does matter. (Glad someone said it -
Miyako H.) Bottom line: potato queendom
is not as gross as rice kingdom. Just
My friends and I have a policy: if you're
the first Asian girl in a white guy's life, it's
okay. Otherwise, he's off limits and gross.
(And hopefully you don't find after the fact
that he turned into a rice king, because
that's gross too.)
So now you're wondering whether you
have the beginnings of rice kingdom?
Here's a handy dandy self-diagnosis:
(1) Is your car of Japanese origin, outfitted
with cheesy body kid, excessively loud
engine, and horrible cutesy stuffed animals
on the dash?
(2) Was your most recent footwear acquisition a pair of Kenneth Cole (or other
suave designer) loafers?
(3) Do you spend more money on bubble
tea than you do on beer?
(4) Have you ever been to a karaoke bar?
(5) Do you know what a sticker picture is?
(6) Does your cell phone have a funky face
plate and annoying cutesy ring?
(7) Are you well versed in the art of kung-
fu and the martial arts stylings of Jackie
(8) Have you ever had a girlfriend of
Asian origin?
(9) Do you watch Ally McBeal because
Ling is soooo hot?
(10) Is your name Mike? (For some reason,
this almost ensures your likelihood of
being a rice king. Don't ask why.)
If you answered yes to 1-3 questions, you
might be a rice king. Stop it.
If you answered yes to 3-10 questions, you
are a rice king. Stop it. Now.
Hee Hee
SUS wants to see everyone wearing great Science gear! Head on over to SUS (LSK 202)
to check out the gear in person, and you can buy either from an exec, in SUS or
by e-mailing Alan at cptalan@shaw.ca to arrange a meeting.
Toque - $ 15
What better way
to keep your head
warm than the
Science Toque?
Embroidered with
the Science Star,
this toque is
excellent for
keeping the cold
out, and those
formulae in!
T-Shirt - $ 12
Makes a great gift
for the parents, as
a 'thank you' gift
for all that bzzr
money you got over
Christmas. Also,
this 100% cotton
shirt is ideal for the
reading week trip
to Mexico!
Coffee Mug-$12
Although coffee mugs
are typically for the
artisies, this double-
walled stainless steel
mug is for the
occasional caffeine
high that we need to
make it through that
Organic midterm.
Spill-proof lid ensures
that your jittery hands
won't spill coffee all
over yourTA.
Long Sleeve Shirt
(NOTshown)- $20
Most colourful ever!
All blue long sleeve
cotton shirts, with the
Science logo across
the front. You've seen
people wearing them
for Science Week, now
buy your very own! Page Sex
12 February 2002
Figuring Fuckable Factors
Jo Krack
Fuckability Fan
Having been in a series of long-term
relationships for the past five
years, and having watched friends
recently end relationships ranging from 4-
8 years long (my record was almost 3
years), I have come to the following conclusion: Dating boils down to sex and companionship, and while you'd figure it'd be
the sex part that'd fuck you over, the
. reverse is actually true.
The sex is usually better in a relationship
than a one-nighter, because you get a lot
more practice (and are usually a lot less
drunk, and thus able to graduate to more
complex gymnastics). (Tm still working on
my back handsprings, -fiend) But this
improved sex comes with a relationship,
which eventually leads to a reduced social
circle and predictable Friday nights. At
first, this is OK, as many of your friends are
probably coupled up anyway, and good
friends are always willing to welcome you
back after months and months of not calling. But the problem comes when you realize that you're in a pattern that's going
nowhere, and that if you were forced to
either immediately marry your gf/bf or
break up, you'd probably break up.
But all this can be avoided, by removing
those lust-fogged glasses and becoming a
true Love Scientist. Once you have learned
to accept and embrace the inevitable dating cycle, you can enjoy the sex and even
some of the fun couple-stuff without being
so totally deluded that the Big Break Up
shatters your innocent young heart. To
start on your path to a Ph D in Love Science, study each step of the cycle below.
Apparent Fuckability
Yes, love is a science, so there's a bit of
math involved. Calculate the Apparent
Fuckability of potential partners by assigning each physical or superficial feature you
desire a percentage, based on how much it
matters to you. For example, my list would
be nice eyes 20%, muscular arms 35%, bubble-butt 25%, good hair 10%, and 5'8+10%.
After calculating Apparent Fuckability, set
your personal standard. Attractive people
can aim for someone with an Apparent
Fuckability of 80% or higher; less attractive
people may want to start at 50% and work
their way up. Be honest. After you've
found someone with an acceptable Apparent Fuckability, get to know them a little so
that you can determine their Real Fuckability (described below).
Real Fuckability
Now that you know what you want to
fuck, it's important to also consider who
you want to fuck: this is your Real Fuckability standard. If you are incredibly shallow, able to tune out whatever unattractive
things a hottie says/does, or prefer the
anonymity of one-nighters to long-term
fucking, move on to Flirting (below).
For the rest of you, calculate Real Fuckability by comparing those things on your
Apparent Fuckability list with major
turnoffs. For example, an adorable nose
may be cancelled out by unabashed public
nose-picking action; muscular arms may
be cancelled out by Cro Magon attitudes.
The reverse may also be true: things you
find attractive, such as a sense of
humour/friendliness/promiscuity, may
compensate for less-than-stellar physical
features. It all depends on how you weight
it. When you find someone who is truly
Fuckable, you may commence flirting.
Now that you've found someone with a
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good Fuckability factor, you may attempt
to fuck them. If they judge you to also be
quite Fuckable, this shouldn't be too difficult; otherwise, just try your best and be
prepared to accept defeat gracefully. Flirting is a good first step. Successful women
usually manage to convey the impression
that, while virginal, non-skanky, and STD-
free, they are also horny slut-monkeys just
waiting to swallow gallons of hot cum.
(mmm, slut-monkeys. My favorite, just barely
beating rhesus monkeys, -fiend) Successful
men usually initiate conversations in
which they subtly hint at their present or
future economic security. Other people just
get drunk. Whichever method you choose,
once you have flirted successfully, the next
step is fucking.
You shouldn't need too much advice here:
try not to get someone/yourself pregnant,
avoid STDs, experiment while you're
young and hot enough to get away with it,
and hey, why not lap up some of that warm
fuzzy "someone loves me!" stuff while
you're at it. Enjoy it while it lasts, because
after fucking comes breaking up.
Breaking Up
Eventually, the sex may not be enough to
hold the relationship together, or the relationship itself will reduce the sex to routine
and render you unsatisfied and hungrily
checking out others. When you're not having fun anymore, get the hell out while you
still can — otherwise you may end up married. After all, as you get older, you will be
forced to "work on it" and "commit,"
because the dating pool will become filled
with three-eyed fish, and as you get older
you'll start growing a third eye too. All the
good fish, of course, are either married,
attracted to a different gender than you, or
sealed in pods only to emerge years past
your   prime   as   Mr/Ms   Right   and  be
snapped up by 20 year olds. When you can
no longer get away with breaking up due
to paranoid fantasies of being alone at 80
with no one to call 911 if you've fallen and
can't get up, it's time to settle down.
Settling Down
Settling down is something that happens
when you become tired and too old to
compete in the dating game without looking pathetic. There are two ways to settle
down: on your own or with a spouse. I recommend on your own: get a dog, go travelling, work on your career, make your
married friends jealous. Later, when 50%
of marriages have ended in divorce, you
can choose whether or not to snap up a
recently freed-up partner. Alternately, you
can reclaim your once-married friends and
enjoy being single again together!
If you want a spouse, just lower your standards a little (OK, a lot) and train yourself
to see only the good in people. You can
find another lonely, desperate soul to
shackle yourself to soon enough; just check
the Internet. If you want an easy ride, try to
find a mate whose parents are either permanently living in another country or
dead. If you want the full horrific experience of marriage, find a mate who still lives
at home and move in with them after the
wedding (or before, for added fun!).
My final advice is to try to stay in the
Fucking stage for as long as possible. That's
what your university years are for. If you
don't use that bod now, you'll sure regret it
when you start to bag'n'sag. Oh, and if
somehow you end up in a relationship
with someone who continues to attract and
amaze you year after year, even when
they're farting in bed, then I'd wager
you've got yourself a keeper. Now go out
there and have a happy, disillusioned
Valentine's Day!
"Yours Truly" Horrorscope
Albert Chen
Thaf time of the month
Your miserable, misguided, retro effort to
tie-dye all your pets will finally take place
successfully next week, only to find out
that the mean doesn't justify the end, not
even one little bit.
Your tolerance of embarrassment will
reach an all time high next week as a dozen
of construction workers will show up to
your doorstep, one by one, to tell you that
they are ALL your actual biological fathers.
In fact, your level of embarrassment will
reach an all-time high, too.
You will eat an egg-salad sandwich next
week, only to find out that it's not made
out of chicken eggs at all. Come to think of
it, it's probably more disgusting than you
can ever imagine, but to make your life
interesting, I don't tell you what kind of
egg is it made out of. Actually, the white
stuff in the sandwich isn't mayo...
This week you will combine your wool
kilt and your new-found ventriloquism
ability to give that certain lady the best
date of her life.
The cost of chocolate and other tongue-
numbing sweets will be on sale a day after
Valentine's Day, resulting a frenzy at an
unparalleled scale. If you think that it takes
an astrologer like me to predict that, hire a
You will talk to a goldfish next week about
footwear, broccoli, ear wax, fetishes, and
animal rights - after a good hit of crack.
You will think that you have invented a
new cocktail, a new colour, and the third
law of thermodynamics, only to find out
they have all been done before.
You will quit your job today to preserve
the job options for hard-hat-wearing, gum-
chewing dolphins, who will be very
important to you within the next few days.
Of course, that also means that an animal
can do your job anytime.
You will believe that our society is free of
political, social, cultural, and intellectual
repression, which is just fine by the government and its secret services. Just don't
come to me if they get you with those nasty
truth-telling serums.
It is a sign of social degradation that every
single word of this paper will be taken seriously by many artsies. By the same token,
they will believe that Bon Jovi writes country music.
An elephant will crush your bed, and you
will wake up, only to find out it's only a
dream. Then you will be crushed by a big,
giant foot.
There is nothing I can say that will change
your perception of your life, which is fine
by me. Just don't scratch your head when
you scare all the chicks/hunks and Can't
find a date on Valentine's Day. mm*RmW»mtlBSM&!£8S)S»
12 February 2002
Page Seven
Drawers of SUS
Corrie Baldwin
Science Week has finally come and
gone and now it is time to get on with
other business.... namely our constitution. As part of my portfolio as secretary,
I chair the Code & Policy committee. There
are a few changes to the constitution that
are purely housekeeping changes but we
are also working on re-evaluating the way
Science Week is run. If you would like to
participate, we would love
the feedback. We're having
our meetings on Tuesdays at
4pm in SUS (Klinck 202).
On a more personal note....
I really like spaghetti...noodles drive me wild with
excitement. Especially when
mixed with some spicy,
saucy Italian sausage. One j
Italian, in particular, we'll
just call him "Stallion" for
privacy protection, is particularly sexy. In fact, last week, I]
he drove me wild with all his
elections posters staring at
me with those seductive
eyes. Oh baby, take me home! I've included
a photograph of "Stallion" along with this
article for your enjoyment. I've even
thoughtfully included the cutting lines so
ladies (and gentlemen), feel free to pin this
hottie on your bedroom ceiling.
The "Stallion" recently won the election
campaign for the Science Senator position
and is due to take office this April. As if
being Italian wasn't sexy enough! Now this
babe-ilicious boy-toy will be sporting a suit
to senate meetings, working for a better
student world. Martha Piper will not be
able to get enough of him! Ooooooh the big
bad world of politics has stolen our striking Stallion. The women will be lining up
to be his Intern. "Robert's Rules" will have
to be change to "Stallion's Statutes." Hey
baby, will you move my motion? "Stallion"
is also the most talented chemist yet to
entertain the likes of the sexretary. If you
think Dr. Orvig excites your electrons (this
is in reference to the graffiti on the walls of
the bathroom outside Chem B250, not an
opinion of mine) obviously you have never
experienced a true chemical reaction. The
recent UCS magic show
(which featured "Stallion's"
close cousin, Chrissa) was
nothing compared to our
bodacious Chemistry
■>% Department Rep. This striking sex machine has a helluva graduated cylinder -
that's all I'm revealing girls.
He can vortex you to the
highest orbital. I'm telling
you girls, he could do my
mass spectroscopy anytime.
Appointments for some
luvin' with this sex god can
be made through the sexretary of SUS - oh wait, that's me! But be
warned, he has a very busy schedule.... in
fact he is so desirable that I have been
forced to devote an entire email account to
his scheduling. For some crystal lattice
luvin' you can email the "Italian Stallion" at
* I would like to thank "Stallion" for having such a great sense of humour, which
made this exec report possible.
Only Corrie zuould get off on a horse, -fiend
May Tee
I will have a report on Cold Fusion and
Science Week expenditures and revenue for SUS Council and the general
public available after reading week (and
after all my midterms!!!). (Triple exclamation
marks piss me off. -fiend)
Science Week went really well—thank you
to all those that participated and contributed to making it as awesome as it was.
On the AMS front, Science just received an
extra seat on AMS Council since our student population of Science undergraduates
has exceeded 6,000. I happen to be the
lucky SUS executive (I can only assume
you're being sarcastic and not stupid, -fiend)
that gets that AMS seat so if you have any
questions about the AMS and what it is
doing, please feel free to contact me. (she
was going to be naughty and not tell you how
to reach her. Her email is tee@smartt.com -
yes, that's smart with two 't's. No, there's just
one Tee. Sigh. Don't look at me. -fiend)
Have a great week everyone, and happy
studying. CHappy studying? Are you feeling
all right? Need a cold compress? -fiend)
Contributions from all students on all subjects relating
to science are welcome. Contributions should be in
the 1000-2000 word range though longer or shorter
ones will be considered/ and they should include
the author's name and contact information. We are
especially interested in student research and co-op
projects if you would like to summarize your work.
To contribute or for more information, contact:
Benjamin Warrington
Kristin Lyons
Hey Science. Hope you're all doing
well and enjoying our wonderful
paper. Sports is going well! Fellow
SUSers and I participated in Rainfest, and
boy did we do badly. Although we lost all
five events horribly, we had a great time
and a great workout. These intramural one
night tournaments are an excellent way to
get involved and have a great time. (Everyone loves one-night stands where you get wet
and grab balls while dangling out of inner-
tubes that give you rubber burn. Everyone. -
fiend) The next really exciting thing coming
up in intramurals is Storm the Wall, and
we will be giving an award to the SUS
team who does the best. Also, the top three
teams will get reimbursed 100% for their
efforts. Two weeks before Storm the Wall,
we will be having a booth in the SUB so
that people can sign up for teams, details
aren't out yet, but see the next 432 for
details. (Wow, redundancy and bad grammar,
all in one sentence1, -fiend) Hope you all have
a great break, party hard and enjoy!
Position Open
The Biology Representative position has recently
opened up on SUS Council. If you are interested
In this position, please identify yourself to another
member 6f council, or to th§ SUS exec, and show
up to thaSUS Council meeting on Thursday at
1pm in the SUB Council Chambers.
Sameer says,  I m up to my neck, and I don't like the smell."
| |SCIENCE COUNCIL 2001-2002
rsztopa@interchange. ubc.ca
Reka Sztopa
Brian MacLean
Internal VP
Michael Groves
External VP
Corrie Baldwin
May Tee
D of Finance
mctee@interchange. ubc.ca
Ben Warrington
D of Publications
Kristin Lyons
Sports Rep
Tommy Gerschman
Public Relations Officer
tommydg@interchange. ubc.ca
Katharine Scotton
Social Coordinator
Timothy Chan
Science Senator
Science Sales Manager
Alan Warkentin
Lana Rupp/Dan Anderson
Editor of the 432
General Officer
Juliana Lam
Theresa Liao
General Officer
Matt Smith
General Officer
Alan Warkentin
General Officer
Annes Song
First year rep
Dan Yokom
First year rep
Andrew Thamboo
Science One rep
Hedy Lam
Coordinated Science rep
Janel Casey
Biochemistry rep
Sameer Wahid
Biology rep
wahid@interchange. ubc.ca
Christopher Zappavigna
Chemistry rep
James Dai
Computer Science rep
jamdai@interchange. ubc.ca
Kenneth Kwok
Earth&Ocean Sciences rep
kennetkL@interchange. ubc.ca
Dan Anderson
General Science rep
Greg Amos
Geography rep
Arezoo Astanehe
Integrated Science rep
Jason Chuang
Math & Stats rep
Ken Kaila
Microbiology rep
k1 kaila@hotmail.com
Rajesh Pachchigar
Pharm & Physiology rep
Suresh Sivanandam
Physics & Astronomy rep
Albert Chen
Psychology rep
AIMS rep
Ryan Morasiewicz
Adrienne Lee
Biosoc club rep
Ted Lai
BPP club rep
Justin Hsu
Chem club rep
Jeremy Moses
CSSS club rep
Benjamin VandenBerg
Dawson club rep
Geography Students Assoc
Aaron Baxter
Integrated Sciences Assoc
Tien Yin yau
Math club rep
Warren Cheung
MISA club rep
Travis Seals
Physsoc club rep
Geoff Wan
Pre-Dental club rep
Pre-Medical club rep
Sharon Lee
Pre-Optometry club rep
sharlee@interchange. ubc.ca
Maria Dranfield
PSA club rep
Kate Potter
SOS club rep
katiejanel 9@hotmail.com
Susie Nouch
STORM club rep
s nouch@hotmail.com
Princess Di got all the attention. That media slut had front covers
of newspapers for a month. Me, all I get is a third-page column?
-Ghost of Princess Margaret Page Eight
12 February 2002
Lemme Stomple Your Albino
Andy Martin
Love Rhino
Disclaimer - Despite the traditionally bitter
content of the following article, I have had a few
pleasant and overall positive relationships with
women over the past year. T appreciate and
cherish our moments together, and the following is not to be interpreted by you, or those who
know me and trying to psycho-analyze, as a bitter result. But no matter hoiv many pleasant
experiences I have, cooties still cause brain
In my absence, I have noticed that the
female sex seems to have gained a voice
in this paper, trashing the male sex for
all their evil. Well, we can't have that, now
can we?
Now, I'll be the first to admit, the majority
of guys are jerks. Try walking down the
street in New York, the catcalls and come-
ons are non-stop. I can sum it up in one
sentence a female friend of mine was asked
by a random passer-by: 'How much will it
take for you to come over here and rub my
nipples?' I've nearly smacked a guy or two
myself, but then realize that this a different
cvilture, and it would be against nature to
interfere with this indigenous people when
I'm merely here to observe them. That, and
they're probably packing heat.
But, in this piece, I don't speak up for men,
so much as I speak up for me. I am special!
I am deserving recognition! I am nice and
respectful, and I, and those like me, are
sick and tired of the fucking goddammed
run around. I have tried to be kind and
understanding to females despite their
overwhelming stupidity and ignorance for
my emotions....and then they do it again!
And I know there's a legion, made up of
members of both sexes (females ranting
about males...or not), who support me in
everything I put forward here, who have
been through this, and who are sick of it
all. Madame Whazherface is part of this
legion, and she has said it perfectly from
her standpoint. But before we draw the
lines in the sand down the parsimonious
(damn Andy and his big words I need to look
up on dictionary.com fiend) boundaries of
sex, we should look deeper.
And if I sound bitter and loser-ish, just
remember that one of these days, I'll crack
and treat women the same way every other
guy does. And at that moment, they'll hate
me for it. This isn't meant to elevate men's
position, but to undermine the haughty
position women seem to have acquired
through these articles. Men are more
straightforward in their relationship evil,
but women prefer to run their slow working poison through your system as you
bleed out from a thousand cuts from their
forked tongues. I congratulate those that
read that sentence without thinking dirty
Madame interpreted some common
humourous female proverbs. But she left
out their most classic and side-splitting
catch phrases: the breakup lines. Here, I'll
attempt to interpret some hypothetical
classic break-up lines that I really have
never heard at all. Not in any way. Nuh-uh.
So away we go:
1.1 just don't want a boyfriend right now.
TRANSLATION: Literally 'right now',
which should last about as long as you're
in my presence. Then I'm "Open for Business" for the first loser who comes along.
But we can still be friends. You know, the
kind who provides me the support I
should get from a boyfriend, but without
any of the fun stuff.
2.1 just don't have time right now.
TRANSLATION:...until the next chance I
get, when I'll take two weeks off work and
all other responsibilities to go up to
Whistler with another guy. Sorry, that's just
the way the space-time continuum crumbles.
3. You're too good for me.
TRANSLATION: But that guy I one-night-
standed with last week was just right.
Maybe I should call him up for more casual sex. Boy, oh boy! I sure do enjoy having
sex with people who aren't you!
4. I'm just not ready for a relationship.
TRANSLATION:...until I get drunk at a
party and boff your buddy. But it isn't really a relationship if it's just banging, is it?
6. I'm just looking for a friend.
TRANSLATION: I'm just looking for a
way to seriously fuck with your head for a
while by getting you to do things with me
'as friends' until I start going out with the
next guy.
7. It's not you, it's me.
TRANSLATION:...I want to fuck other
And, in the non-breakup category, but still
classic lines that deserve analysis:
8. All I want is just for a guy to be nice.
TRANSLATION:...until I have one drink
too many tomorrow and start swapping
spit with a large-bicepted guy I just met.
Then all I want is just for a guy to be buff.
9.1 don't want to risk the friendship
TRANSLATION: Being a woman, when
given the chance, I'll do something completely evil that you'll get pissed off at me
for if you have even the slightest ground to
stand on. I just can't stop myself.
Why do you think Women's Studies isn't a
science? Because science is supposed to
deal with the logical aspects of the universe. One can never fully understand
women, not even themselves. And there
ain't no p-value in hell that can help us.
Just take it in stride and enjoy the ride.
The only thing comparably stupid/frustrating I've ever heard a guy say was:
No, fuck your Beatles!
But he was drunk and everybody is entitled to their own opinions about the arts,
even if it contradicts the very laws of
But, what we, the downtrodden, must
realize, is that we should have seen everything coming. The opposite sex isn't going
to change, no matter what candy mask
they put on for us. Men are always looking
to take advantage of women, and women
are always looking for another way to get a
controlling grip on a man's heart. It's a
powertrip for both of us. We, the ones with
any sort of souls, who might have concern
for other people, as well as our own self-
value, must enter every relationship with a
grain of salt, no matter how important the
other seems to us or how much we've gone
through together. Maybe in time we can
learn to trust, but maybe in time we can
learn to ram white-hot pokers in our
eyes...it'd be the same result.
I blame the arts. I know I keep blaming
them, but they're always at fault. I've heard
far too many 'live for your smile/and die
for your kiss' lyrics, seen too many Hollywood 'love conquers all' storylines, and
spent too many hours risking my avatar's
digital livelihood for my one true love. I've
been built-up to believe my one true love
exists in this world and my searching for
her has led me into painful traps and
equally painful dry stretches. As Our Lord
Lemmy sez: "The chase is better than the
catch', but there is such a thing as too much
of a good thing. And, of the three short
times I've been in 'true love', two are
etched in stone on the 'Bitch List', and one
is a cartoon character. (I've met the cartoon
character... in person. He's not joking, -fiend)
Just remember to give the next wrecking
ball a big ole' smile. Then get up, dust
yourself off, give 'em the finger, walk away,
and don't give 'em another thought,
because they ain't worth it.
One day we'll all master this. And when
we do, we'll find we finally don't hurt.
We'll find we really don't care. Then we
won't even notice our complete lack of
emotion. And we'll be all grown up. And
we can do whatever we want...like eat
pixie sticks for breakfast!
Singles Revolt
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Primipames, aiidper^j^ that soifieor^jJfeiMl". .
jjjlllgrif bro^hfyfo you by ypjggJJ|PIoc/efy


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