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The 432 Mar 12, 1998

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Array VOLUME   1 1   ISSUE   1 1   •  3.12.98
Monday, March 9th
UBC SUB Building
Federal Budget
Just weeks after announcing the
first balanced federal budget in
recent history, information has
surfaced which may prove the
budget to be a fraud.
Through analysis of the budget, and
through granted access to the government's
financial data, UBC Economists Dave
Fredericks and Wilma Hunt have uncovered
information which they say proves that federal Finance Minister Paul Martin has been
"fudging the books."
"Our numbers show quite clearly that the
budget is not balanced," said Hunt. "In
fact, as you'll see from column four, the
budget is over 1.5 billion dollars in the
red."
The report released by the economist indicates that the Government was in fact cutting large sums of money from education,
in order to alleviate the debts accumulated
from social programs. This shortcoming,
in turn, was accounted for by cutting
Provincial transfer funds to
Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, and Quebec.
Finance Minister Paul Martin was quick
to respond to the charges.
"That's ridiculous," said Martin, at a press
conference this morning. "This budget is
as balanced as my diet. And believe me,
I'm a very regular man.
"These charges are slanderous, and have
absolutely  no  founding.  This  is  simply
another ploy by the Reform Party to blacken
Fraud!
the name of tire Federal Liberal Party We simply won't stand for this,
fn the meantime, Provincial Politiciar
Iy demanded that Ottawa
ns in Quebec were up-in-arms, and immediate-
compensate the province for lost transfer funds
"nils Is absolutely non-acceptable," said Marcel Deveau
Quebec.  'Are the engUsh-speaking Liberals trying
reducing our province to poverty? It is a total embarrassment'
an MI..A from Eastern
to keep us from separating by
^l^ini^r Je!" Chretie» sP°ke to the House of Commons today
: Minister of Fin;
roughout the morning, with all three major parties
debate hi the House continued throughout the mnmino ,,,,*>, ,„ ,u.. .  „     A ,KUv
it
We should execute
pointing fingers in all directions
"This is just like the Liberals," said Reform Party leader Preston Mirmin*  **Mi
from the poor frenchmen, and give to themselves. ,',1 tell yS w^SSuid S
we should execute each and every one of
them. And then, when we're done, we'll
ClfOni  «fc" I get the Liberals, too."
CVery  SinOle Lucien   Bouchard   was   quick   to
** respond to Manning's remark.
One Of tliem" "AMi, I see. Stealing from
the poor frenchmen.Those
are big words, coming from
IS™ SSKMan""18' *•* ™ -«'- -<*™ S2 S^iK
mis year. And Jet me assure you, we're doing just fine"
Ih!JCS |he ^^T °f "1" H°USe CTentua»y called debate to a halt, several Reform
neit not able, al the tune of pnnting, to confirm whether or not Mr. Boucharddoe?
-preston manning
as one of the combatants
claimed, enjoy carnal knowledge of farm animals. We
were able to determine, however, that it was unlikely that
Mr. Manning would ever be
able to engage in sexual
activities with himself.
Although the charges about
the validity of the budget
have yet to be confirmed, the
Canadian  dollar  fell  four
tenths of a cent yesterday, as
investors   questioned   the
country's stability. The effects of
this drop were felt immediately
across the country.
"There is no reason to panic,"
said British Columbia's Premier
Grlen Clarke. "We're as strong as
ever in B.C. Sure, some of the
weaker provinces may be having
some trouble, but we're doing
just fine. And I'm not just ringing
my own bell."
The two UBC economists were
not so sure. "Don't even get us
started on B.C.," said Fredericks.
"They've been fudging their budget since Bill Bennett was in
power. Sure, they say the forestry
industry is fuelling the province,
but let's get real. Have you actually seen how few trees there are
left in this province? Forty five.
Sure, the tourism ads show endless cedar forest, but that's all
done with computers. Forty five
trees, I tell you. And only sixteen
salmon! It's an absolute farce."
432 reporters put the number of
trees in the UBC endowment
lands at forty-four, lending some
credibility to Fredericks' numbers.
SCIENCE
ELECTIONS
MMCH if TO'*
Poll locations: Chemistry, Wesbrook, and various
other Science buildings throughout the week. Bring
your student card to vote. Bring your friend Ed as
well, since he's always entertaining.
UBC Implicated in
Anthrax Coverup
Monday, March 9th
Vancouver, B.C.
An investigation is pending following an alleged cover-up of a biological weapons operation here at
UBC. 432 Reporters broke the story
two weeks ago, when a large supply of
the Anthrax virus was discovered in a
section of the UBC steam tunnel system.
When Law enforcement officials
attempted to inspect the area only
three days later, the entire tunnel system was empty. Officials initially questioned the validity of our reporter's
information, but a series of interviews
with our staff, as well as a great deal of
photographic evidence, persuaded
authorities that our reporters were, in
fact, in the right.
A representative from University
administration said yesterday that the
University denies any knowledge of
the existence of the operation.
"There is not now, nor has there ever
been a biological weapons factory here
at UBC," said Byron Henville, assistant
to the President. "The Place Vanier
Cafeteria was officially cleared of that
status years ago."
The group which originally claimed
responsibility for the incident,
Terrorists for Terrorists, has since been
cleared of all charges.
"They don't have the expertise to
chew out of a shoebox," said RCMP
Constable Mike Henries, "let alone set
up a high-tech biological weapons factory."
The RCMP is currently searching for
leads in this case, and has set up a hotline to deal with tips from University
students. The hotline can be reached
at 822-4235. page two
The
432
3.12.98
The
432
Volume 11 Issue 11
25 FEBRUARY 1998
© 1997 The Science Undergraduate
Society of UBC. All rights reserved.
The 432 is the official newspaper of the
.Science Undergraduate Society, published
twice monthly in a van located in the middle of freaking nowhere.
AH opinions expressed herein are strictly
those of the individual writers and not
those of The 432 or the Science Undergrad
Society.
Writers and cartoonists from all faculties
are encouraged to submit material to The
432.
The 432 is copyrighted by The Science
Undergraduate Society of UBC and may
not be reproduced in whole or in part
without express written consent.
Editor-in-Chief
y Jer Thorp
jerthorp @ unixg.ubc.ca
Assistant Editors
Craig Temple     j^ mm
Jake Mckinlay
C Contributors
Breeonne Baxter   Andy Martin
Jay Garcia
Mike Boetzkes
Jenn Gardy
Bella Carvalho
Phil Ledwith
Mandy Seymour Jake Cray
-O
Not Supported by the NRA.
Sometimes when life throws you an
inside curveball, you just have to
lean in, get beaned and take your
base. I hope that baseball allusion some
how fits into what I'm going to wright
today.
I was at the gun range yesterday. Its
amazing how relaxing it can be to
squeeze off two hundred and twenty
rounds of hollow point fragmenting .45
ACP rounds into the side of an aging 200
gallon oil barrel. Guns are great.
I'd like to peremptorily apologize for
any, aw screw it I don't want to apologize for anything. If you're sensibilities
are offended by my love for fire arms,
piss off. No body who has blasted the
hell out of a metallic container with
screaming hot lead can possibly complain about my being to go down to the
range to blow off a little steam.
I realize that guns do have the potential
to be harmful, if not deadly weapons,
but that all depends on the person using
tion to the problem of guns being used
to perform homicides. A learner's
license.
Under my new plan, when one is sixteen, he would go down to the local
DFA, Department of Fire Arms, and
apply for his learner's. At this point the
applicant would have to pass several
tests including a written test on gun safety and proper use of fire arms. The second test would consist of a practical session where the applicant would go "out
back" and shoot the hell out of some
inanimate object, preferably something
that has a lot of glass. This would
demonstrate to the applicant not only
the destructive capabilities of modern
fire arms, but also how much fun it is to
shoot things which are already dead,
thus preventing attacks against live targets.
After one has passed the preliminary
tests, he will enter the third stage. This
would consist of a thorough thrashing
with wet reeds. This would prevent to
many guns being released into the general public. Nothing like a well armed
populace to keep politicians inline.
At this point the aforementioned appli-
Arms Acquisition Certificate. At this
point Bob the mailman or Oprah the
cosmetician would not be able to buy
guns. They would however be able to
buy crossbows, and accompany gun
owners to the range. After about say five
years, one would receive his gun license
proper. I figure if the individual was
going to kill any body they would have
done by this time with the crossbow. So
those that have killed someone don't get
a license, but those that pass can buy
anything. Fully Auto, sure, Heat guided
surface to air missiles, why not?,
Bazookas, imagine the fun.
And hey, what ever happened to going
down to the local Army & Navy and
picking up a few pounds of TNT? There's
no bounds to the possibilities of fun
when one has an unlimited supply of
high explosive. Granted in the wrong
hands you end up with something like
that little fiasco down in Atlanta, but
what about all of us "responsible" folk
who have legitimate need for explosives?
We're relegated to using the homemade
diesel and fertilizer crap which never
works right and if by chance it does go
off, never lives to expectations. I say by
limiting the availability of good, well
creating an unnecessary risk by forcing
us to manufacture our own unstable,
untested, illegal explosives.
Just the other day I was talking to My
friend Quentin who incidentally was the
man who taught me how to build potato guns. He was going on about how the
cops were constantly driving by his
house three or four time a day. So I'm
over there on his back porch shooting at
starlings with his 12 gauge Defender
shotgun, and after three or four big
poufs of gray feathers, Quent went back
inside for a few more cans of Bud and a
few shots of hooch. He comes walking
out with the most heinous contraptions
I'd ever seen. He proceeded to line up a
stray cat and blow it to the other side
with a lovely Rawlings fast ball. His contraption used a mixture of Sugar and
Sodium Chlorate to hurl baseballs at
over 925 feet per second.
Hey what to you know, baseballs.
Jake's first article involved his friend Gord,
defecation, and a urinal. You really didn't
want to read it, so I made him write another one. Now, unfortunately, I'm too tired to
-     read it.
-ed.
Jenn vs. Nature (Part II)
Miss Jem
And now for Part 2 in the continuing adventures
of Miss Jenn vs. Nature, in which our principal
players are a Small Small Stick, Fire, and The Evil
That Is The Great Outdoors. You will recall that last
week we left off with myself stuck in the dire predicament of being under the charge of 2 gym teachers who
had to choose between the Island With The Dock and
Campground or The Island With The Outhouse. You
can probably see where this is going. We unloaded our
gear and bedded down next to, you guessed it, The
Outhouse.
The Island With The Outhouse was also the The Island
With Way Too Many Natural Fjords. There was nary a
square inch of flat terrain to be found, so we found the
most hospitable area we could. In my life I have slept
in many strange places, including a freakishly large
number of bathtubs. And now for another Miss Jenn
Life Lesson: if you are ever given a choice between
sleeping in a bathtub and sleeping on a geological formation only marginally less craggy than Keith
Richards' face SLEEP IN THE BATHTUB. In a pathetic
attempt to cushion the thousands of rocky projections
beneath our tender selves, we pitched the tent atop a
layer of tarps, and erected a separate shelter under
which everyone placed all their earthly possessions.
The two islands we were marooned on were connected
by a little land bridge that was crossable at low tide.
When low tide came, we all trekked across to the
unknown wilderness on the other side expecting to
find Lions and Tigers and Bears. Instead we found a
Campground and a Dock. Oh My. Being reasonably
apathetic people, it was decided we should stay on
Craggy Outhouse Island and be miserably uncomfortable rather than move to The Promised Land.
To amuse ourselves before nighttime, we decided that
a game of "Hide The Small Small Stick On This Big Big
Island and Try To Find It Before 2004" would be a good
idea.   Competition was quite heated and very nearly
idea. Competition was quite heated and very nearly
descended into "Lodge The Small Small Stick Into the
Opponent's Chest Cavity". It all got too Lord of The
Flies for our teachers, who called us back to Bog Island
for dinner. It was at this point that things went VERY
VERY VERY WRONG INDEED.
First came the rains. Torrents of water rushed over our
encampment, washing people down muddy slopes into
the churning pools of water below. OK, maybe not, but
it was pretty frikkin' wet. So wet that the tent soaked
through from the bottom up. So wet that all our stuff
got soaked in one of those collapsing-shelter moments
you only see on TV. Another Miss Jenn Life Lesson: if
you're doing your own thing when suddenly you hear
a really bad voiceover from the sky that sounds like Bob
Saget GET OUT OF THE WAY BECAUSE SOMETHING
BAD WILL HAPPEN.
We were trying desperately to make the best of the situation, and it was agreed by all that we should discuss
our options over dinner. Someone had brought a wee
barbecue sort of thing, and it was erected upon a plank
of wood sitting on a vaguely flat boulder. Only someone had forgot to put the legs on the barbecue, which
had a hole cut in the bottom for ventilation. As dinner
was happily cooking away, we noticed that the plank
upon which our Gas Barbecue rested was flaming, to
say the least. Gas + Flame = Lots Of Explaining To Do
At The Emergency Room. In order to heroically save us
innocent schoolchildren from imminent immolation,
our brave leader grabbed a pair of oven mitts which I
highly doubt were CSA approved for Bomb Disposal
Activities, and herded us towards the beach as she
picked up the barbecue, now dangerously close to detonation, and hurled it into the sea with such ferocity
that one would think it contained some sort of nuclear
device. It actually contained some raw vegetables
which I guess could have been pretty dangerous too.
We were now safe from the dangers of the Flaming
Barbecue Of Death, but much greater peril lay up
ahead. Namely, we had to eat raw food.  Having been
ahead. Namely, we had to eat raw food. Having been
food buddies with the class vegetarian, dinner for me
consisted of raw veggie hot dogs, minus the bun, and
very big chunks of raw vegetable. Dessert for me consisted of the most severe gastrointestinal pains I have
ever experienced in my life.
Stay tuned next week for what is hopefully the last
part of the story of the Worst Damn Camping Trip Ever,
in which Miss Jenn is caught in a painfully un-stylish
moment, masquerading as a Bag Lady at the side of the
Barnet Highway. Until then, I leave you with these
words of wisdom. For Christ's sake, stay indoors.
I like camping.
There's vinyl, and propane, and marshmallows. Kinda
like last night, eh Jenn?
ATTENTION; GRAD CLASS
Suggestions for gifts to be offered by this year's graudatmg class to die university
are now being accepted. Gift reccomendations must he delivered to Grad Class
Council by Wednesday March 18* 1998 To be considered rhe following criteria
sbould be considered for the gifts;
* universality
I longevity (min of lOyears)
| permanebility & the^y^ig^J^yjSi^'
(j cose may not exceecfig
All suggestions will be,vot«raj by tne^5raaCouncii at the Annua! General meeting.
Applications must include:   k k-     .
k name of the group requesting funds
I name of the project
t funding required (to a max of $3000.00)
fc a 100 word description of the proposed project including a summary
| allocating the funds 3.12.98
ne432
page three
Burn This Article.
Baxter
>
Reading week. Fun times, no doubt;
but did anyone read anything?
Nope, not many. But, did you know
that two weeks ago was "Freedom To
Read" week? Freedom to read, you ask?
Doesn't everyone have the freedom to
read? For that answer, we head on down
to Surrey. This enlightened place not
only has the rodeo, Newton, and a very
bizarre transit schedule, but the school
board is in the process of banning three
books!
What? you exclaim, full of indignation.
Yes, the Surrey school board, in its infinite wisdom, is trying to remove three
elementary books from the reach of the
innocent kiddies. What is in these
books? you ask. Violence? No. Drug use?
No. Religion? Nope. The one thing these
three books have SAME SEX PARENTS!!!
The pro-banners have said, "but these
books show an unnatural lifestyle!"
Heck, in my view, any two people living
together for any extended period of time
is unnatural, no matter their sex. Look at
Jean Chretien. He's been married for
years! Does he look natural?
Returning to my main rant, I have read
two of the three books, because, well, I
like reading kids books. No big words.
Now, hold onto your sensible hats. These
books show... KIDS! Oh my gosh! A kids
book about a kid? Heaven forbid! And a
kid in a loving home? Even worse!
Welcome to Surrey, home of the very tolerant (that was sarcasm, by the way
folks) and the very fanatical.
But Surrey has a very long history of
scholarly intolerance. A few years back,
the school board (the same school board
as are in power now), decided that a
book was offensive because it portrayed
the religion of Wiccan. The theme of the
book was a young girl, who was sent to
live with her aunt. Her aunt was z very
nice person, who happened to be a practicing wiccan. The religion was not a
very big part of the book: The school
board thought differently. Because of the
religious content, the book was challenged. Heather Stilwell, one of the main
instigators of the challenge, said that the
religious content had no place in
schools. To this comment, I ask "What
about the Little House On the Prairie
books?" Those books show Christianity
in a favorable light. The Anne of Green
Gables series portrayed Prince Edward
Islanders as morally upstanding, God
fearing Christians. In fact, all of Lucy
Maud Montgomery's books contain similar christian comments. Yet, Heather
Stilwell did not complain about these
books. I could draw the obvious conclusions here, about the obvious religious
content, but I will allow you, my intelligent reader, to figure it out.
I could go on for days, but my rant
might lose coherence, so I shall leap
back into my topic of the day. Freedom
to read! The Bookstore had a display up,
with many books that have been challenged, banned or burned. Whilst there,
I took delight in noticing that every
book I had to read in grades 11 and 12,
for IB English, has been expressly
banned! What horrid, offending books
did I read? Well, we had to read Hamlet,
and Huckleberry Finn, and The Sun Also
Rises. Very good books, and just the subject matter to interest high scholars: war,
sex and drugs. You've never read any of
these? Head on out to your local library.
On my way out of the Bookstore, I
picked up a list of books featured in the
display. And here for you, my literate
reader, I shall list a few of these books
that you SHOULDN'T READ, UNDER
ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!
The Wizard of Oz, written by Frank
Baum. This was challenged in Tennessee.
Why would anyone challenge this wonderful book? Such beautiful
Technicolor... no, wait, that was the
movie. And then there is The Bible. Oh,
god! Can't have anyone reading that!
(Banned in USSR in '26, and in Ethiopia
in '78) There's all that superior-being
stuff, and, Heaven forbid, the news that
Jesus loves you!
Most, if not all, the religious books of
the world have been banned in one
place or another. For example, the
Koran, the Torah, the Book of Mormon,
the Talmud, the Elder Eddas, and just
about any book ever written on any religious topic. Why? you ask. Why not? If
you are preaching your own special religion, and some other religious text contradicts what you are saying, will you
not say, "This book is wrong! It is BAD!"?
If you can make your point by banning
someone else's ideas, will you not do so?
Only, of course, if you are a religious
leader. If not, then never mind.
Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee, by
Dee Brown, was banned in Wisconsin
schools in 1974. A district administrator
said, "If there is a possibility that something might be controversial, then why
not eliminate it?", proving once again
why cousins in Wisconsin shouldn't
marry.
Even Alice in Wonderland! It was
banned in China in 1930 on the grounds
that animals shouldn't be put on the
same level with humans. Personally, I
would have picked the blatant allusions
to illicit drug use and the excessive violence, but who's counting? After all, a
good trip is fine. Has anyone heard the
song, "White Rabbit", by Jefferson
Airplane? If the White Knight is talking
Backwards, and the Red Queen is "OFF
with her HEAD!", will you remember
what   the   Rabbit   said?   FEED YOUR
HEAD! Drugs, animals possessed by talking spirits, and a tripping girl; What else
can one want?Heck, I would read the
book.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, in 1982,
someone challenged The Crucible, a play
by Arthur Miller. (For all you "visual"
people out there, the play was made into
a movie last year. I think Winona Ryder
gets naiked in it.) Someone stated that
the play contained "sick words from the
mouths of demon-possessed people. It
should be wiped out of the schools or
the school board should use them to fuel
the fires of Hell." I believe this statement
implies one of two things: either the
school board is on a non-stop expressway to Hell, they have the contract to
provide furnace fuel for Old Scratch.
Either way, some people have far too
much free time on their hands. And
since idle hands are the Devil's playground...
The "Just How Stupid Can They Be?"
category, involves a city in New Mexico.
Carlsbad, NM, in 1982. The Merriam-
Webster Collegiate dictionary was
banned because the dictionary defines
"obscene" words. Just pause for a few
seconds and ponder this. They banned
the dictionary for defining WORDS. Did
you know the word "obscene" means
"disgusting to the senses?" Geeze. This is
a clear case of the right hand ignoring
what the left nostril is doing.
So, to recapitulate, here is what you
have to do. Go out, find this list of
books. Head on over Koerner and check
them out. If you cannot find the list,
please, come to SUS, in room B160 of
Chemistry, twill be happy to assist you
on your quest for anarchy.
And remember: Big Brother is watching.
Smile.
Campus Renovations Continued
>
Now, thanks to Phase I, sponsored in part by Anarchy Inc.,
Chaos Puppies International,
and the twenty I found in my old jacket,
we have large smoking craters at both
ends of the campus, a much cooler SUB
building and a level concrete lot in front
of the bookstore. Now if I was the usual
UBC construction crew, I would leave it
like that for about 6 months and not
start construction until September and
continue on until December, ending
right at the end of exams, but I'm not.
We are going to start construction in
May and be done in a month, just
because we know it'll be more convenient to everybody this way.
Here is your super exclusive preview of
Phase II:
Starting with the new lot in front of the
bookstore, we'll build somie boards
around it and put in some goals for a
street hockey arena. The perfect noon-
hour pastime. In fact, why don't we
eliminate all of those middle-of-the-
road, half grass patch, half mud hole
things down Main Mall and make the
entire street a set of street hockey rinks.
It's not like anything important ever drives down those streets anyways, they
just seem to take up space. We'll put the
rinks in and divide the sidewalk
bike/walking, as to reduce the number of
idiots walking right into my path while
I'm on my bike, and almost running me
over when I'm not.
Of course, the Rose Garden's remains
are left. We have a sloped area about 40
meters across and a whole bunch of cut
stones. We can work those stones into
half-circles and construct waterslides
extending from the plaza up there, over
Chancellor, and ending in a pool that
used to be the old Anthropology building (oh, didn't I mention, we got that
one too).
We desperately need a waterslide, there
isn't one in miles and it's a lot more fun
than looking at stupid flowers, and it
makes money too!
The bottom levels of Koerner. God
they're sterile. The one thing I can say
about the old Sedgewick, it had nice
comfy benches that were perfect for napping on. Now they're gone and the
desks are not comfy soft. The solution is
to clear out the bottom levels and put a
super-cheap, by the hour motel on the
bottom two floors. We get places to
sleep and have sex for just pennies a second.
Across the way is the Main Library.
Now I like the stacks, but have you actually ever looked at the books they keep
in there? I've wandered around there a
few times and there are fifty year old
books nobody has ever touched, and
half of them are in Russian. Who the.
hell gives a damn about the records for
the records of the Bank of Philadelphia
in 1933 (I am not making this up, it is an
actual book). So I propose to charge at
least the bottom two levels into a paint-
ball/lazertag/gladiator arena. Again, it's
something we need that we don't have
for miles and anyways, I think
Intramural sports could use more gun
and sword-related sports anyways, don't
you?
While were at the libraries, we have to
do something about those fucking bells.
I am sick of hearing "A Thousand
Monkeys at a Thousand Bells" in D-
minor for 20 minutes every hour. So we
make a hole through the tower, train the
monkeys to run the waterslides, hotel
and referee the paintball and street hockey, and we build a bridge across from the
roof of the main library, through the
tower, and to the roof of Koerner. It
doesn't seem to do too much does it
(except look cool)? But what if I add in
a bungee cord with a few extra monkeys
to make sure that the cord isn't too long.
Now, we need a place to put these
books, so we divide Engineering Crater
into two parts, one is used for a new
library to store all these books, the
other,much larger, part will be turned
into a tourist attraction of my choice. I
think the PNE will be interested if we
threw in the B-Lots (half the campus
want to get rid of them anyways), and
cleared out West Mall (honestly, is there
anything there we actually need?) We'll
also widen NW Marine Drive to accompany the Indy. Hell, the PNE won't even
have to hire pimple-faced high school
kids anymore, it doesn't take long to
train monkeys to make cotton candy or
fix a game of ring-toss. We'll charge 'em
just $5 an hour for each monkey.
And the Campus Cowboys, I haven't
forgotten about you. You will still have
the steady employment that you
enjoyed before, but now you get a real
feeling of accomplishing something. I
mean, those monkeys aren't going to
feed themselves and clean their own
cages. (Unless of course, we trained them
to do that) And don't worry, we've got
lots of monkeys to deal with all the
homicides and to ticket every car at
UBC. I promise a monkey at every street
corner.
So let's review, we get money from beer
sales, motel rates, waterslide admission,
paintball/lazertag admission, PNE and
Indy rental and profits, and the money
the monkeys'll earn running these
things. Hell, let's save ourselves another
$300,000 a year and train the monkeys
to take over the AMS. No one will notice
the difference, and we save a bundle.
And if any animal rights or union group
tries to protest our use of the monkeys,
we'll just train the monkeys to attack
them. What are they gonna do about it?
With all these plans, the campus will be
the envy of all other world universities.
We could jack up our fees to $40,000,
but we won't need to because all of this
stuff will pay for itself and more. With
all the money, fees will plummet and
we'll be able to finance the remodeling
of Buchanan into a pot house by next
year and fund my special light-speed
shoes project. And if there isn't enough page four
The
432
3.12.98
How I learned to love the box.
C- • • ?   Garcia
So there I was, on an otherwise far-
too-bright and . sunny Saturday
morning, sitting in one of those
Bark-O-Loungers so paradoxically both
over- and understuffed that you were in
danger of being swallowed whole by the
padding and the fabric, attending to the
needs and wants of a silly girl in a leg
cast who was hobbling about her apartment on crutches — all because of a bet
that she couldn't get down Burnaby
Mountain on a skateboard in one piece.
Were this any other Saturday morning,
lid still be at home and sleeping. Of
course, this being both a Saturday and a
morning, then aside from waiting hand
and foot over a self-made invalid, there
was little to do but watch TV. After an
excruciating ten minutes, I turned the
damn thing off and remembered why I
stopped watching Saturday morning cartoons.
It didn't used to be like this. Saturday
mornings used to mean more than an
extra four hours to sleep off the hangover incurred on Friday night. At some
time nearly a whole decade (and then
some) in my past lid spent these mornings responding to some deeply-
ingrained Pavlovian instinct geared
entirely towards bolting to the living
room at the crack of dawn to ensconce
myself in the safety of the easy chair and
the warm, sheltering glow of the television. Most days of the week you couldn't
have gotten me out of bed without dousing me with water or rattling some rocks
about in a garbage can, but Saturdays
were special. From six in the morning till
noon was an explosive blast of barely-
comprehensible eye candy with individual scenes shorter than the attention
span of a tumbleweed meant to entertain kids aged three to thirteen.
And what shows we used to have while
we were kids. Robotech. Thundarr the
Barbarian. Astro Boy. Battle of the
Planets. Spider Man. He-Man (and She-
Ra, to be perfectly PC — though what
kind of a name is She-Ra? at least He-
Man is a real, albeit silly word). G.I. Joe,
the Transformers, the Thunder Cats and
others of similar ilk. Fun, character-
building shows. Wonderfully violent
shows. Shows with plot (albeit somewhat strained and far-fetched, but plot
nonetheless). I mean, where else was a
kid going to get his education in the
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world? Your parents were uncommunicative and your teachers ineffectual in
terms of expressing the sheer joy of
rapid, whole-sale destruction. Of course,
there were the down-sides. No one really
died in these shows. Take G.I. Joe for
example. These professionally trained
soldiers always managed to blow up
tanks, assault copters, gunships and aircraft, and yet no single member of Cobra
ever bit the dust. Even in the ultra-violent world of the shape-changing war-
planes in Robotech, the pilots and soldiers on both sides died in neat little
flashes of light as their ships got shot out
from under them. With these shows
around, you could be glued to the tube,
slumped down so far that your chin was
resting on your chest, your eyes watery
from not having blinked in so long for
three hours or more at a stretch. The
only time you ever got up to take a piss
or scarf down a bowl filled with Frosted
Sugar Bomb-O's swimming in chocolate
milk was when My Little Pony or the
Care Bears came on. For a very long
time, that was the best way to spend a
Saturday morning.
As I got older, though, I started waking
up later and later, and I found I wasn't
missing much. Thinking back on it, I figure I stopped watching Saturday morning cartoons altogether when the various
animation studios had to abide by the
"educational content" standard being
pushed by American legislators at the
time. That kind of weak-minded thinking lead directly to execrable shows like
All Dogs go to Heaven (which was a second-rate movie in the first place), Kitty
Cats, and Keroppi. And even the so-
called "action" shows are really just bad
renditions or re-workings of the original
series. Case in point, the Power Rangers
and   Sailor  Moon.   In   their  original
Japanese forms, they were both campy
and violent, and therefore loads of fun.
In the North American version, there
seem to have to be some moral message
attached to kicking one another's heads
off,  (though in Sailor Moon there is
something disturbing in having your
teenaged heroines dressed in the youth-
fetishist's number one all-time fave costume: the sailor suit).
The only saving grace for the early-
morning time slots seem to be the
Disney productions, which were always
squeaky-clean to begin with, but were at
least well-animated. In fact, the only
shows on Saturday mornings that are
any good these days are those which are
geared towards an older audience.
Beasties and the post ABC-ReBoot lead
the pack in their combination of good
stories and wholesale violence. The
Animaniacs, and their spin-off Pinky
and the Brain are a postmodern Looney-
Toons, with their biting humor and
innuendo not meant for children
("Pinky, are you thinking what I'm
thinking?" — "I guess so, Brain, but
burlap chafes me so.") And then there is
the mighty blue tide of justice that is
The Tick.
In the end, if you think about it carefully, I'd be willing to bet that the decline
of the Saturday morning cartoon would
match the increase in real-life teen and
pre-teen violence. So if you know and
care for the welfare of any children, then
for the safety of our youth and the future
of our nation, it's upon you to expose
them to some quality Saturday morning
cartoon violence.
Jay is currently writing a script of a cartoon based on his life. The working title is
'Jay and the Fatman,' although it may be a
bit redundant. Instead, I suggest 'Jay the
Porn King and his adventures with his
imaginary girlfriend.'
-ed 3.12.98
The
432_S>
page
rive
Ask Dr-Temple    In Your Dreams
Merchant-Ivory
Of all the unsung parts of the
human anatomy, none has it
quite so bad as the uvula. For
those of you who don't have a diploma
from the Los Angeles School of Up-stairs
Medicine and Pizza Factory, the uvula is
the often misnamed "hangy-ball" in the
back of your throat. The uvula has many
functions; it helps to seal off the mouth
from the rest of the digestive tract. This
is good, particularly when there's bad
stuff in your mouth that you don't want
going down, and when there's bad stuff
in your throat that you don't want coming up. Not only does it serve to regulate
traffic flow through the Oral
Intersection, but it also provides the
essential vitamins and nutrients that
make up a healthy breakfast. The best
use of a uvula is of course that which
only a small percentage of people can
do. I am referring of course to people
who can purr. Prrrrrrrrrrrrr. Ask any guy
who can purr if he had to choose from
loosing his uvula or a pinkie finger, and
he would definitely go for the tetra-digi-
tal lifestyle, rather than one where he
cannot make the most erotic sound a
human body can make. Well, second
most erotic anyway. Few people know
that roughly half the people on Earth
have two uvulae. Fewer know that the
other half have no less than three.
Everybody has a second uvula in their
brain. Apparently it is a near exact replica of the oral uvula, but nestled deep
within our reservoirs of grey-matter. This
uvula actually has no function whatsoever, but it's just one of those things that
natural selection decided was an
improvement. The third uvula belongs
only to women; sorry guys, it'll take
$2300 in cosmetic surgery for you to be
able to tell your friends that you have
three uvulae. This one's functionality is
rarely fully developed. However, as a
public service, Dr. Temple will be giving
free seminars for women, preferably ages
18 to 26, to more fully develop the
potential of all their uvulae. I was witness to a tragic example of the uvula's
diminishing popularity today as I was
talking with a medical student. As with
most of my conversations, the subject of
uvulae came up. I had mentioned that
there were three different uvulae in the
female human body. The medical student, let's call her Anna to protect her
privacy, was adamant that, since she had
thoroughlv studied the body both in and
out and found only one case of a uvula,
that I was indeed wrong. I think that it is
a sad state of affairs when medical
schools no longer deem the uvula worthy of more than a mere cursory study.
At any rate, one person that could use a
lot of time alone with his thoughts on
his favorite uvula is Tyler. He sent this
letter to be by drtemple@unixg.ubc.ca
Dear Dr. Temple,
Hi, I've always been a huge fan of your
column, and I think that the advice you
give is indispensible. I never thought
that I'd have to write in to you though. I
have had a problem with my throat lately; the back of my throat has been really
sore for about three weeks. I live in
Vanier, and as a prerequisite of that, I
have my own U-Brew setup. I and my
floormates have gotten a pretty good
recipe now. It doesn't quite compare to
beer you can buy at the liquor store, but
none of us has the time to sit out in
front of the liquor store in the freezing
cold and try to boot a case. AS I said,
we've gotten a pretty good brew down
pat, but a few weeks ago we decided to
change around, the recipe a bit. One of
the guys on my floor thought it would
be a good idea if we were to put apple
juice into the mix, and have kind of a
cider drink. It tasted pretty good, but the
next day I had the worst case of pasties
I've ever had in my life. My mouth felt
like I had eaten a bowl of sand before
going to bed. I spent about twenty minutes in the bathrooms gargling with
water to try to rehydrate my mouth. Ever
since that morning the back of my
mouth, back where it meets my throat,
has had a terrible scratchiness to it. That
little hangy-ball thing feels like it's
swollen and hurts whenever I swallow. If
you know of any quick cures that I can
try, I would be very appreciative. As it is
now, I think that I'll play it safe and just
stick to beer that I don't have to worry
about. Yep, for me it's strictly the tried
and true recipe for my home brew.
Thanks in advance for your help.
Tyler Underwood
Tyler, I think that you may be suffering
from one of the lesser known afflictions.
Recently there have been a startling
number of illness attributed to bad apple
juice. After witnessing the example of
the "Mad Cow Disease" fiasco, the apple
industry is very wary of falling into the
same pits as the dairy and beef industries
did. At the mere mention of "Bad Seed
Disease," as the few who know about it
are calling the affliction, apple industry
big-wigs become very frosty. Mandy
Seymour was doing some investigative
reporting into this, but we haven't heard
from her in a week and a half. Some
effects of the virus that you can expect
are: dry throat, itchy eyes, jaundice, and
impotence. As of yet, there is no cure for
Bad Seeds, but scientists are working
around the clock in a lab full of chimps.
Scientists are also trying to find the cure,
as well as the legal battles between government lawyers and the Apple
Prolitariate. So keep hope alive and, oh,
I forgot to mention, watch out for missing fingers. Apparently quite a few cases
of Bad Seed have resulted in leprosy.
Don't worry if all else fails, we can enlist
the aid of Microsoft to help us in our
struggle against the Apple Prolitariate.
^P   ^P    tB?
Don't tell everyone, we've put a small red flag with
the 432 on it somewhere on campus. Be the first to
bring it into Chem B1 60 and you will win tons of
cool stuff, like Japanese anime porn!
Mandy Seymour
corset tan
I'd like to live in Jane Austen's fictional world. Truth is, like many girls, I'm
a huge "Pride and Prejudice," "Sense
and Sensibility," and ""Emma" fan. If
you're a male you're probably wondering what the heck I'm talking about.
Well, it's talking about the 1700's world
of Jane Austen, immortalized in her
"chick-flick" novels.
And who wouldn't want to live in this
world. A world where servants take care
of the housework, where you wear really
low cut dresses, corsets and hoop skirts,
where you spend all day singing and picnicking and gossipping and-don't forget-
flirting with potential suitors. And best
of all: every day is a Shakespearean-like
comedy that ends with a happy ending
and a double wedding. (Note: Have you
ever actually heard of a double wedding
in real life. I think not.)
There are some low points of this
lifestyle though. Women couldn't work
(oh no, I mean that's tough), people didn't necessarily marry for love (cha-
ching), and all wives did was have children continually. Truth is 1700's couples
were rabbits. Maybe John's time
machine can send me back. Only I'd
need a dowry. Oh well, it's a nice dream.
It seems though that men did not have
a problem making a commitment in
those day. Men proposed on the third
date without even getting a kiss, such
less sex. Sex was purely for reproduction
and "not for pleasure." But I don't
believe a word of that - why else would
the males be in such a rush to get married.
There was a great quote on Red Dwarf as
they ventured back to Jane Austen's
world. As the women from "Pride and
Prejudice" ensembled around Lister,
Rimmer, Cat and Kryten, someone commented "Man, these women are hot to
trot." Well, they had to be if had no
dowry and did not want to be spinsters.
Wouldn't life be different if we were in
the same situation. Women would wear
really tight leather and latex suits and
minicule skirts all the time. Velcro sheets
would sell out. Self help books like,
"How to Make a Man Commit in 30 seconds;" would be on the best sellers list.
Perhaps this explains the low cut dresses
in the 1700's. That and why they giggled
flirtatiously at anything breathing.
M ttSmiM CbMS* if HisWfesMCd *t tfcC ClUUl CCiSstlC stfNT tfeC StSmOOiOl slttt page six
r     The
432
3.12.98
And Now, the Candidates.
or the science undergraduate society executive elections.
For President:
?'$%$*&&. • --*•" , •'    y^£j_
QmmMSiMm
GMiniM \m mm\E\m
Vote
John Fournier
for President of the Science Undergrad Society
... is the current Internal Vice President
... General Officer and AMS Rep last year
... 3rd Year Microbiology Student
I s.iul I wauled to hau- Imnc 54-40 in ihe Min Hallimmi for
ScienceWcek 97.
4j£nA L diil il.
Igaid 1 wonted lo have u uouded huiisc lur two ScienceWVck
dances in a row.
And I did it.
In t«ui. I've made .i point ul keeping all my campaign promises.
fTi'in i-ikvlitely iepi\.-.ciiling science in the AMS si-, cluur of
"•ludeni Ihi ing coniiiiiilccs in urbanising lwi> hnllianl ScienceWccks
to suving hi'uks m the libi.ii \
\\}\£ feu the onl> candidate w nil iwo full >cars experience chairing
meetings and representing >our needs.
Vole lor pn-\ »:ii li-.ulct^hip
Vole for Phil
For SoCo {Acclaimed]
t> ft
•^ to   jenn   gard^  far
tsocialcoordinator
cause   if  jfou   dan' t,
;i' 11   send   one   of  m^
Ihenchmen   after  yau.
For Public Relations Officer
My name is Edrick Yu. As your PRO this year, I have tried my best to
perform my duties. I've experienced both successes and failures, but if
you continue to show your support by voting me again, I promise to correct my mistakes, and I'll continue to represent you properly and to serve
you at my finest possible ability. I'll continue to be uncorrupted, classy,
non-racist, and non-radical, because I do believe that image is important.
At this election, you're voting me for confidence, class, and commitment. Let's fight together, and let's prove our critics wrong. Let's win!!!
For Snorts [Acclaimed)
Hello, I'm Aarne Hamalainen, running for SUS Dir. of Sports once again. I've
got a year of experience under my belt now so I will try to improve on things next
year.
I've done plenty of things this year, some have worked better than others. But,
hey what else can I do? One thing I would like to happen next year is to get more
input from fellow students. If you have any ideas of what should be done or not
done I'm always open to any suggestions you may have. So get out and vote!
For Internal Vice
Hi. My name is Amanda Seymour. You might know me as Mandy from the 432
or from Totem Residence. I'm running for Internal Vice President of Science. This
year I was Chair of the First Year Committee and sat on Science Council as a
General Officer. As Internal VP, I would establish stronger links between students
and faculty through Academic Committee and various other student and faculty
events. Also, I would like to promote SUS and First Year Committee to first years
through orientations at the 1998 Imagine UBC. Come get involved in YOUR
Science Undergrad Society!
For Director of Finance
Hi I'm Mike Boetzkes. I'm a second year Physics major and have served on the
SUS executive for two years as Social Coordinator. In January of 97 I packed
almost a thousand people into the Ballroom for 54-40. A couple of months later
I put on the most successful beer gardens in SUS history when 200 people
squeezed into the Partyroom to hear the Malchiks. For as many of these events
as possible I had UBC bands play including this year's Cold Fusion where we had
only student bands. Help me help students, vote Mike Boetzkes Director of
Finance.
Hi there! Many of you know me...for those of you who don't, my name is
Alex Varju. I'm in 3rd year Computer Science or, as my friends so
affectionately refer to me, I'm a CompSci Geek.
Anyways, I'm running for Director of Finance — I hope you will vote for
me. I really will do a great job if elected, and I promise, no scandals.
Experience, you ask? Of course I have experience...currently I am the
External VP of the CSSS, and I have held many other positions, including
treasurer, secretary, and others.
LiCTIOI
tk.   lib       ■*>?
HIS WEEK!
\vie'\\ kilrLeonardo
■0""
DiCtiprio)
Polling-booths w^fll be open from 10:30-2:30pm, on
MarfetL l^h/ 12th, and 13th, in Chemistry,
Wesbroolc, and in various science buildings.
VOTE EARUT, V01E OFTBU 3.12.98
The
432
page seven
The Drawers
of SUS™
€>
President
Bella Carvallho
/
Grads: tickets are now on sale for the Science Grad Dinner Dance. They go for $35
a piece for the first 100, $40 after that. The event is at the Hotel Vancouver Pacific
Ballroom on Mar 28th, and you can get tickets from myself, Aarne, Jer, Doug or
Phil in SUS (Chem B160). This is the ideal event if you and your friends are all
graduating in different departments and can't decide which grad to go to.
Also in Grad land: Grad Class Council is still searching for ideas for the Grad Class
Gift. The deadline for submission has been extended to March 18th, so get your
ideas into either myself in SUS or Ruta at AUS. A 100 word description of the
gift, along with your name, and a brief description of how the funds will be
spent is all that we need. To be considered, suggestions should be universal, have a long life span (NO computers), and have room for a plaque
to commemorate the Grad Class of '98. Maximum funding is $3000. ^ ^%
All ideas which are deemed to fit the criteria set out by GCC will ^  *^
be voted on at an AGM to be held March 25th. Come and vote
on your favourite gift ideas (all fourth years - whether you're
graduating or nor - are eligible to vote). There'll be food, prizes
and beverages provided.
As you may know, AMS passed a motion last week to bring
to referendum the proposal to increase fees by CPI for
Athletics. If you want information on this, please come talk
to anyone in SUS (either the AMS reps or myself). It is
important that this referendum reach quorum, so please
vote. (SUS council had voted to support the YES vote on this
referendum.)
Class Act is still under way. If you haven't yet received a call
from one of the reps, you will soon. They are asking for donations to the University from graduating students. Any money
donated by science students will be put towards a Heliostat for
the Astronomy department. This is a lens that focuses images
onto a larger surface (like in the movie Addicted to Love). In this
case it won't be used to spy on ex-es, but to bring a picture of the
stars onto the floor so that many people can look at it without the
need for lining up for a telescope. Money will be put towards restoration
and installation of this, most likely either in the Astronomy building or in
Hennings.
Elections are underway. Vote vote vote!
John Fournier
The Science Lmdergraduate Society Annual
General Meeting is coming up on Thursday, March
19th at 1:30pm. It will be in room 214/216 in the SUB. We will be presenting
Teaching Excellence Awards, introducing the new executive and meeting
some of the people from the department of science. Everyone is welcome! See
you there!!
jpHMIfy
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of SUS....
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Mikey Boetzkes
Ahhh elections again. It is once against that time when you must choose the people to pretend to led
you and make sure that the university listens to your opinions. Well I have decided not to run for SoCo
again so you can't vote me in again. Unless everyone votes no for Jenn, she will be the new SoCo. I just
want to encourage everyone to come out and vote. If you don't you can't complain about anything that
we here at the office do. It is one of your only chances to have a really big say in what happens here. I
guess that's because not very many people vote. So vote.
Public Relations Officer!
Edrick Yu
I'm still getting pissed off by a lot of people who don't.deserve a damn respect from me, and I have
already begun to plan what to do with them, after sensing that the eternal hell is near.
Class Act is into its final stretch, and at the moment, the Faculty of Science as a whole has been doing
much better than all the other executives and Council members think, and it has to do with hard work
and determination from yours truly. That's the first blow to them. I mean, I spend three hours per
night trying to reach all the very nice graduates, and even though I am not always being successful, I
am still succeeding at a 12% rate (much more than the 5% other people expect).
The second blow, of course, is their evil attempt to shave my head. I never made the promise to shave
my head, but somehow, evil Henry successfully persuaded the entire executive team to believe that it's
true. Then came the recent Council meeting, when evil Henry was at it again, trying to make me bald.
Fortunately for me, that motion was defeated. The bottom line is you try to shave my damn head again
and I am going to beat the living hell out of you.
More referenda are coming your way regarding fee increase soon. Please come out and vote so that
history will not repeat itself again. The referenda will be about increasing AMS fee (I believe) for a bursary fund for the needy ones, as well as the Athletics Fee, which you may or may not have heard about,
depending on how involved you are. No opinions on these ones, because I am not persuading anybody to vote on one side.
That's it for now. I'll keep my hair growing, growing, and growing... and I am proud to have hair
(which is probably quite contrary to Phil).
-Edrick is on crack. I'm sure of it. -ed
Aarne Hamalainen
All Right Everyone Move Out! Move Out!
There's a 12 foot wall you must get
over, grab a few friends and register
for Storm the Wall*  This runs from
Sunday, March 29th to Friday, April
3rd. A Storm the Wall team consists of 5 people who do several
events. One person swims 275
yards, one does a 450m sprint,
another cycles 2.8km, the 4th
does a 1.5km run and finally the
5th person helps the others over
the 12 foot wall. This is one of
the largest events of its kind, so
make sure you don't miss out. In
other news, Sports Rebate Forms
are available in Chem B160, make
sure you get your paperwork in (this
includes receipt and copy of registration form). Deadline is on the final day
of classes.
Here are the top  10 people to the SUS
Hockey Pool
1. Game Misconduct 607, 2. The Mystery Machine
605, 3. Vipers 604, 4. Power Play 601, 5. Kiwi's 600, 6.
The Moose 598, 7. The Urineil Pucks 598, 8. Hell's Angels 596,
9. Ironmen 593, 10. Team Olymbos.
A Baseball Pool is in the works, keep an eye out for news (if
you have any interest in Baseball).
If      you      have      any      questions      pis.       contact
me<aarne@unixg.ubc.ca>.
Phil Ledwith
Well, it's been another great
week for science, but what's
new? The Science week figures are not entirely finished yet (I
decided to give the clubs one: last chance to claim anything -
anything at all - that they might want from the budget) but
it's almost certain at this point that I spent less money than I
was given and came in under budget. Thanks to everyone
who took part in the most kick-ass event of the year.
In other news, in case you didn't know by now, it's bye bye
to the Thunderbird shop. Despite three of the four science
reps supporting the results of the student referendum and
voting to keep the thunderbird shop, AMS council voted
heavily in favour of allowing the lease to expire. I'm really
sorry about the decision, and I want to thank Bob Gray and
all the Thunderbird staff for everything that they have done
for us over the last twenty five years, good luck guys.
JOBS JOBS JOBS JOBS JOBS JOBS JOBS
The AMS isn't all bad; positions are open now for a host of
summer jobs that provide students with the opportunity to
gain real experience and still meet those rent and tuition payments. I'm the chair of both committees that appoint paid
student positions, so if you aire interested in any of the commissions, student directorships, or anything else come by
chem 160 and ask for the bald Scottish guy. I'm hard to miss
but easy to approach, promise.
Slainte. page eight
The
432
3.12.98
I'd Like a Pizza at 24 Sussex...
BJIIe need a new Prime Minister.
BIMjean Cretien just isn't cutting it.
H flr Granted, his popularity was at an
all time high when he choked that protester who got a little too close, but he's
been on a general downhill slide ever
since then. What we need is a prime
minister who the people can rally
around, a prime minister that the people
can believe in.
Just think about our past PMs: John A.
MacDonald was a alcoholic, pot-smoking, fie-died-shirt-wearing, left-wing,
proto-hippie: there was no one around
to like or hate him. Brian Mulroney was
a conservative money-spending, airline-
swindling, quiet-talking backbencher:
people hated him. Jean Cretien is a beatnik-choking, side-of-mouth-talking,
deficit-cutting invalid: people kinda like
him. Kim Campbell: who? John
Deifenbaker was a loud-mouth, prairie-
blowhard, wheat-chewing, redneck: people really liked him. Pierre Trudeau was a
silk-leisure-suit-wearing, skirt-chasing,
over-sized-carnation-wearing, flamboyant, nouveau-Quebecois lounge singer:
people loved him.
What does this tell us? The more loony
the Prime Minister, the better,we love
them. Diefenbaker and Trudeau were in
serious need of medication. I mean,
Diefenbaker could give a sixty minute
speech in which the entire audience was
convinced that he was recounting his
last LSD flashback instead of his most
recent trip to Cuba. Trudeau dated
Barbara Streisand.
Yup, we definitely need a border-line
psychotic whose daily rages occasionally
show up in public.
Think about it: the Right Honorable
Prime Minister Sir John Hallett, elected
representative of the People of Canada
to Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth
II, is out on a jog with his CSIS agents.
He comes across a small, yappy dog, one
of those Chihuahua things. It yaps its
way up to his legs for a Prime Ministerial
blessing and is promptly kicked in the
teeth. Why? I hate small dogs. I picked
up the @#$*& thing up and chuck it
back at its owner, jump the fence and
take a few rounds out of the son of a
bitch who can't keep his bitch on a
leash. Then I pick up my sunglasses and
resume my jog.
Wouldn't your interest in National politics just spike after seeing that on the
evening news? Isn't this the kind of go-
getter you want representing Canada at
world trade summits? The next clip you
see is our PM talking to the President of
Mexico about trade tariffs.
Canadian PM: "I said that the Canadian
people want that tariff no higher than
7%, Senor Sanchez."
Mexican Prez: "I'm afraid that my country will suffer grievously if that tariff is
below 10%."
CPM: "Maybe you didn't hear me,
Speedy. 5% is the tops."
MP: "But you just said 7%!"
CPM: "That's it! (throws drink in face)
You're going down, you syphilitic son of
a bitch! (jumps over table and straddles
MP's shoulders, starts pummeling the
Presidential face) How's that? Is that 'no
less than 10%' enough for you? Huh?
Ever since I've been the Prime
Minister..."
Of course, the meeting is now cut short
as CSIS pulls our PM off of the now-
bleeding diplomat. That would be perfect, our Prime Minister needing an
entourage of bodyguards to protect
other people from him, not vice verse.
Don't take me wrong. I'm not advocating breaking the first eligible psychopath
out of the local pen-up and decorating
him with robes of state, not by any
means. I'm just trying to spruce up public office. What we need is a PM with
more flare. Some one who knows not
only how to deal in diplomatic issues,
manage the country, but also has the
gusto to appear in front of the United
Nations in drag, then complain loudly
about the absence of spittoons.
The economy would flourish, foreign
countries would concede to 5% tariffs,
and the last thing Quebec would complain about is not being treated fairly in
confederation. They'll be counting
themselves lucky not to have been urinated on in the last visit by the PM.
Anyway, that's my two cents worth, I'll
take apart my soapbox and get right back
at promoting Rocky as the next leader of
the Liberal party.
-Ahem. Last issue, you heard me rant and
rave about Jay Garcia. This week, Jay sent
me in an article, so I really can't say anything about him. So, instead, I'll talk about
John. John showed up today at about 5:00,
to 'work on the paper.' Seven hours later,
when he had left, this is what he had to
show for himself:
1. A half-assed, 600 word article, most of
which in incoherent.
2. A picture of a Scotsman and a sheep. I
have to admit this was pretty funny.
3. An empty keg of beer.
4. An empty pizza box.
It's important to note that items 3 and 4
were both funded by publications.
I have an inkling that this is all part of a
revenge plan against me. As some of you
may recall, John Hallett was the editor of
this paper last year. And, I do have to admit
that there were a couple of occasions in
which I left John high and dry on production
nite. But, we're grown-ups, right? We're
mature, right?
Oh yeah. I was talking about John.
This space that I am writing in actually
was filled by John when I first saw it. There
was a big, grey circle. Inside the circle were
the following words:
"Why do dogs spend so much time licking
their crotches? Because, if you could put
your tongue in your groin, you'd do it too."
I'm not joking.
Ahh. That feels better, more so since I didn't actually get an editorial in this issue. I'll
say what I have to say in the small space
left:
1. Thanks for submissions, folks. Though
some didn't make it to print, they were all
good
2. More changes. Cool, huh?
-ed
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