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UBC Publications

The 432 Apr 2, 1997

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VOLUME 4 • NUMBER 32 • APRIL 1, 1997
UBC'S     BLACK     PLAGUE
EARLY
AfpftM||rtg a presidential election,
\ Bo%B»Ie pursues a career as a
performance artist. Why Bob? Why?
Promises tj? provide jobs for thofisanjjf***
of students. $fg /^/anyone?    !y"j
4"   \ i""
"Student protestors have occupied the office of UliC's President.
Is this the beginjun&of the end for one of (tanadp's
1 -*OespeJted schoo/s? I
LiMififii|liju1i»i»«(ss^^Bfci^MA»'Wl^^ssW *.-<— -»
BULLSHIT
UTTEiRI    LIES THE BLACK PLAGUE 'APRIL I, 1997
It's time student protestors
join the real world.
Constant whining about
tuition fees makes all students look like self-centered
children. Take the protestors
holed up UBC President David
Strangway's office. The People
in The Office don't want any
fee increases whatsoever—in
fact, some of them hold to the
notion that tuition should be
zero, and a student should be
able to stay in school as long as
they please. Where does it say
education should be free? And
-* DP FRONT -
do we really need any more
graduates in Germanic Studies
or Art History? The University
offers a compromise—a referendum on the ancillary fee
increases—but The People in
The Office remain. It's time
they come out of The Office
into Real Life.
Robert Williams
Rich Successful Businessman
Get rid of the filthy-spewing,
one passenger automobile! Tax
the hell outta 'em, and slap
huge parking fees to subsidize
my bus pass. Since I can't afford
to own and operate an automobile, I think it's utterly unfair
that other students are allowed
to. Instead, why don't we all
ride BC Transit, eat granola,
and wear Birkenstocks?
Macy Greenwich
Student Acting Against
Automobiles
The recent rash of Arts County
Fair posters is a waste of student
money, and a campus eyesore. Is
it really necessary to stick a
poster-on-a-stick every 15
paces? And all of this to promote an event based on binge
drinking and drug use.
Supposedly, all revenue generated goes to charity—but obviously, a significant portion is
spent on garish posters that
accomplish little in terms of
advertising.
Billy Stewart
L/BC student
What is with those anti-God
journalists in the UBC student
press? The Campus Times,
blames the cancellation of a
drinking festival on organized
religion, instead of on those
upright citizens in the Liqour
Distribution Branch. I'm a
"blue-haired fifty-seven year
old" and I find The Campus
Times's generalizations an insult.
May God strike you all down.
Ruth Mannigan
3451 57th Ave
Victoria BC
Please make The 432 stop picking on us. They re-ran their ad
for 54*40, and crossed out
Science and wrote Arts instead.
The Arts County Fair is the
most important event of the
year, and we do everyone a
favour by placing ads and
posters everywhere. Why can't
everyone fust get along?
Jason Murray
AUS President
[jjommis
Giver
Main Library, UBC. I. M Incognito photo
Student protests at UBC have changed campus into a three-ring media circus.
We visit protestors and find out exactly which drugs they're on.
II fl I nlf *~"^' Prov'c'es a veritable smorgasbord of drinking options. Unfortunately, as
our critic found out, none of them are any good.
IID 911H      ^an '* '5e true' ^"an *e °88'm8 °* women's breasts extend a man's lifespan?
Lunacy
Researchers say yes. We say it's worth a try.
Volume ten, issue twelve of the funniest damned paper on campus. This time,
we direct our guns at the Arts County Fair. Prepare for triage.
KNOWLEDGE THAT FILLS YOUR BRAIN
Don't take our word for it...
here's what our "students" say.
Hank Raney, G.E.D.
ASS Artificial
Insemination
"I got to work on real cows,
none of them there blow up
ones."
Ralph Klein, Premier
of Alberta
ASS Cattle Excrement
Processing
"I've always had fun with ASS and
I'd like all the kids out there to get
as much ASS as they can."
Betsy, 4-H '93
ASS Cattle Farmer
Relations
"/ was just tired of being milked
for everything I was worth. ASS
has given me the skills to move
right up to line supervisor."
The Alberta School of Scientology is one of Canada's leading institutes
of advanced cattlry. ASS offers training in a wide range of subject
areas from cow farming to cow farming.
ALBERTA SCHOOL OF SCIENTOLOGY THIE BLACK PLAGUE • APRIL 1, 1997
The Imminent Collapse of UBC:
Trouble on the Point
BY FRED P. FIBBLE
I have to admit that I was kind of
reluctant to take the assignment
interviewing student protesters. I
didn't quite know what to
expect, but images of sit-ins dut-
ing the Vietnam War popped into
my mind. Long haired bandanna-ed
hippies sitting cross-legged on the
floor chanting "Give peace a
chance." 1 really wasn't that far off.
As  I  made  my  way  past UBC
President David Strangway's secretary into his office, I slowly became
aware of a scent that I was sure wasn't incense. One of them stood up
and walked towards me with her arm
outstretched.
"Hi, man. I'm Misty Blue Waters
and this is our protest," she said,
somewhat labored.
Misty and a group of die-hard
activists have been occupying the
office since last Thursday, sleeping
under rough blankets and eating
only what supplies had been brought
to them by supporters.
"Yeah, it's been rough, " commented Waters, "especially that first
night. No one knew what to do."
Late in the first night of the sit-in,
Graduate Student Society President
and sit-in leader Kevin Dwyer effectively stepped down from command
after he and organizer Michael
Hughes discovered the key to Dr.
Strangway's liquor cabinet taped to
the underside of a desk.
"They were a complete mess. Man,
I've never seen that much vomit
come out of one guy before," reflects
Waters. "You should have seen the
number of bottles of aged single malt
whiskey in there. Now we know why
they call him Diamond Dave!"
Also to fall victim to the influence
of the bottomless liquor cabinet was
student activist Edgar Bentley.
"Edgar likes his whiskey like he likes
his women. Fourteen years old and
mixed up with coke," said Waters.
So what's this whole deal about?
The main objection these protesters
have is that the University
Administration voted in favor of
increasing intetnational graduate
student fees by a shocking 250%.
"That would put higher education
beyond most international students'
reach," commented Waters, "that's
what our cardboard tent city outside
represents—the future of graduate
student housing. Although the real
version would probably involve a
cardboard bar somewhere in there."
The University Administration
was very quick to defend its actions.
"UBC has traditionally led the way
in international student policy," says
administrator Raymond Smith,
"When our tuition was less than half
that of other universities, we attracted international grad students like
flies.
"Now it's time for some other university to lead the way. In fact, we
wanted to jack the fees 25 hundred
percent, but our economists thought
that would discourage further enrollment. Our problem isn't with the
students in general, it's only with the
cheap ones.
"And as for that tuition freeze
thing, it applies to all tuition except
international graduate tuition. If we
were allowed to increased other student's tuition, you'd certainly know
about it!"
So far, all I could make of this
conundrum was that the two groups
were strictly looking there own
needs, with no thought of anyone
else. 'They couldn't be that selfish,' I
thought 'they must have thought
this through before setting up a tent
city!'
So I asked Ms. Waters "If tuition
were to remain stable, how do you
propose that the university recover
the $1.6 million slashed from their
budget? Surely you have some suggestions."
"Um... but the government
promised! They said no tuition
hikes! They could cut something
else! Not us! They could cut their
salaries! Yeah, they get paid too
much!" said Waters.
'Hmmm,' I thought, 'not: particularly well thought out. The
University Administration will surely have researched alternatives.'
So I ask Mr. Smith "Won't this
tuition increase put unfair financial
strain on students that are already
below the poverty line as is?"
"But the government promised!
They said we could hike tuition!
Besides, for every poor, smart
international graduate student living off of scholarships, there's thtee
or four rich, dumb ones waiting in
the wings! The only people who
would notice the monetary difference will be gone, anyway. So I don't
see a problem at all."
The most interesting fact in this
entite story, however, revolves
around the main character. UBC
President "Diamond" Dave
Strangway is coincidentally currently out of town for a week on business. I managed to reach him by
telephone and he agreed to give me
an interview as soon as he "finished
this delicious tube-steak."
"The students are welcome to stay
in my office as long as they feel that
they have a point to make," said
Strangway of the protest, "I don't
feel that it is my place as UBC
President to involve myself in this
protest what-so-evet. This is obviously an external matter."
I replied "I don't see how you can
feel that this is an external matter,
Dr. Strangway. It entirely involves
UBC students protesting UBC fee
hikes. What's external about that?"
"Um, I didn't say external, I said
eternal. You see, these students can
stay in my office for as long as they
like. They won't change a thing, and
I'm sure that they'll soon realize that
they aren't attracting any attention
at all."
No attention at all. Hmmm., funny
Dr. Strangway should use those
exact terms, seeing as the second 1
mentioned that his liquor cabinet
had been breached he retorted
"What!?! God damn hippies! Call in
the RCMP! Get those socialist pig
dogs out of my office! Ooooo, I can
almost smell them! Call in the
National Guard! The Army!
Anything! How can we just stand by
while these hooligans break into any
place they feel like?!"
In contrast to Dr. Strangway's panicked demeanor, his secretary
seemed quite subdued. I asked her if
the students who were occupying
the office had presented any problems to her, or to any other member
of the staff.
"No," she said, with a gtin, "actually, it's been quite a fun time.
Yesterday, we played an entire game
of Monopoly. Of course, we didn't
use money, since that would be
against the philosophies of some of
the students, but it was quite a good
time, nonetheless."
The janitotial staff in the building
were hesitant to comment, apparently worried that they would
attract unwanted attention from
immigration officials. They did tell
me, however, that the students were
quite a bit cleaner than the
President.
Back in the office, the houts were
starting to show on the student's
faces. Twister was starting to lose its
initial novelty, although there was
the odd game played every couple of
hours.
It's Day Five now and the protest is
beginning to lose steam. The number of protesters has fallen from 20
to 8, and theit "philosophical smoking sessions" have become fewer and
farther in-between. I think that the
end of the protest is getting near.
President Strangway has extended
his business trip, claiming "airline
difficulties" were keeping him away
from UBC. It seems that Diamond
Dave's request for the RCMP to
come "kick in some skulls" never
went through and he's dutifully
avoiding the situation.
It's evident that the public appeal
of the protest is dwindling. The
local media is no longer visiting us
on a daily basis, except for ITie
432, who seem content to knock
over our tents in the middle of the
night.
The protest ended noon of Day
Seven. The remaining five protesters, bored and smelling like poorly
bathed yaks, were convinced to
abandon their grip on the office by
one sentence: "I'm bored
Wanna go get a "beer
they did.
What began as a mass of marching
students ended with a shrug and a
sigh. Once again apathy caught up
with the student population of
UBC. Oh well, time for a brewsky.
I DRGPMrfb
00
Where Greasy Tastings Meet
Horrible Wastings
BY CHRIS BURRIDGE
Pubs are like vintage wines: judged not only by
their taste, but also by their ability to get you
drunk. I write this as I ride the bus onto the campus in the early aftetnoon, setting out to review
the pubs of UBC. My editor had certainly questioned my intentions: Why would I want to review
sleazy college pick-up joints, when I could dine at the
city's finest testeraunts, free of
cost?
I begin to wonder this myself, as
I stride into the Pit Pub, the first
of my stops on my teview. My ears
are barraged by the thumping
drone of computer-generated
dance music (not a good start, to
be sure,) as I make my way to a table. 1 won't bore you
with the details of my meal, in case you are planning to
dine in the near future. Let's just say that the kitchen
could do with a bit less lard: about 40 pounds less. The
only good point I manage to dredge up during my short
visit was that the beer was exceedingly cheap.
My next stop is across campus, at Koerner's Pub. I must
say, I sighed in relief as I walked down the stairs into this
delightful establishment. As I sit at the table, sipping my
Russell Cream ale, a smile lites my face. Perhaps this trip
is a better idea than I have given myself credit for; or
perhaps it's the alcohol starting to speak to me. I stay at
Koerners for three beautiful pints, and head on my way.
The next stop on my circuit was upstairs in the SUB,
to the Gallery Lounge. I'm starting to wonder at this
point why I planned the route this way. Oh well. The
Gallery looks like a nice place for a drink.
Unfortunately, this bar doesn't have the same alcohol
selectionn that the last bat had. Oh well... I can hardly
taste it by now anywayss. The waitress seems vaery nice,
and she keeps on bringin me more and more dirinks. I
like the paintings on the wall of the bar. Very surreae-
laalistic.
As I glance at the bottom of my bar
map, I see a barr that I'm sure wasn't
there before. Oh well, the nice gentle-
mann in the red jacket whose been
keeping me company assures me that it
does in faact exist. I guess we'll just hed
over theerre and see whatt it's like-
Wow! Thios place is great! Its called the cheeze ans
theere;s so much beer heree, and it's all reely good and
reely cheap. And all of these men in the red coatts seem
to reallly want to bee my frienndd.
I see my friend and we're drinkin and then this guy says
Hey yer a reporter and 1 say yahh what's it to you, and he
says nuthing man, and I say lets go right now and he says
noway man. whhata wimp...Apparently, theses guys
want to thank me for insulting therr friend but I say it's
not nessessary but they insist. I'm starting to sober up
and i'm wondering if they have some other meening for
thanking, oh well, i guess i'll find out... 4    THE BLACK PLAGUE • APRIL I, 1997
HEALTH
Good news for Baywatch.
What do you know? Expetts have concluded that bteasts ate good for you.
Not just for women, either. Apparently, in a study conducted in the United
States, researchers found evidence that supports the theory that staring at
latge, naked, breasts can actually extend your life.
Yes! We did just say that! It seems that the incteased heartbeat and blood
pressure induced in males aftet exposure to naked women's breasts is roughly equivalent to that caused by 30 minutes of mild aerobic exercise.
Male doctots wotld-wide are hailing this as a major medical advancement
and have already started to organize free clinics to spread the word.
So watch out guys, one might be opening in your neighbothood.
In the "Gee, really? You don't say?" department.
Get this: Aftet years of secrecy and denial, the Liggett Group released internal documents showing that not only did the company know about the
addictiveness of nicotine many years in the past, but that they had actively
targeted minors with their ads.
As if we didn't notice this when cigarette companies started cteating cute,
cuddly cartoon chatactets to hock theit goods on us. And that whole Care
Bears Visit Du Marier movie was a plain give-away.
Maybe if we keep our ears peeled, the next scientific bteak through might
just be that the sun is "really, really hot."
Argil. Ye Scurvy Lads!
Four residents of Totem Park, at UBC, wete recently hospitalized aftet showing symptoms of scurvy. It seems that the Cafeteria didn't tell residents that
the oranges, lemons, and limes which they wete serving were not actually
fruit. Representatives from UBC food services told our reporters that they
had been serving I Can't Believe It's Not a Cittus Fruit ™ products for five
years, without complaint. The Totem Park cafeteria has agreed to replace
these products with real fruit, and has also announced that it will stop serving Malk™ in favour of the real, dairy-based product.
Storm This!
Obviously, Storming The Wall can be dangerous for more than the participants. Over the last week, three pedestrians have been run over, either by
speeding bicycles, or determined runners. Also, two security guards—all student volunteers with Intramural Sports—were accosted by drunken
Engineers in the middle of the night just before the event began. The
guards, overpowered by the alcohol and vomit fumes exuding from the inebriated Engineers, fainted. When they woke, they found the rascally 'Geers
gone, broken beer bottles scattered everywhere, and the Wall painted red.
Charges are being considered against participants in the ill-thought prank.
Wow! You don't say.
The Canadian Medical Association spent thtee days developing the following policy statement: dying is now considered hazardous to your health.
JTHE-DAMNEDm A
straight
Volume 4 'Number 32
4th Econoline Van, Burrard St. Br.
Vancouver, B. C. V7Y8K5
Phone: (604) 432-0000 Fax:432-0001
l.com
Editor and Publisher Gord McOlundsky
Editor-in-Chief Eari Warren
Managing Editor J. Q-Fibble
Spare Editor Sloof Lirpa
Elephant-like Editor B. F. Guy
Editors-in-training The Blues Brothers
Food Editor Mongolie BBQ
Space Monkey Editor Multik
Senior Editor Bob Dole
Contributors
Some Guy We Met on the Street, Drunken
Harmonica Guy, David "Mmm... hot dogs..."
Strangeway, Martha "Veggie Dog" Piper, 17
Hippie Protestors, The Number Thirteen, Jon
Foan, More Hippies, Francois the Stupid, Noel
Coward, Brian Mulroney, The Entity Formerly
Known as the Artist Formerly Known as the  ,
The Cast ot Friends, Sergei Nemchinov, The
Beer Baron, Frank the Evil Hamster, and our
friend Ed.
The Damned Straight's only ever published once
by an unnamed mink named Bill. Thus you will
never see it again in your life. Copies are distributed free for ttiis one issue everywhere you may
care to look at UBC, in the SUB, Chemistry,
Hennings, Buchanon, Hebb, Math, Computer
Science, Angus, Biology, Koerner's Library,
Koerner's Bar, Totem Park Residences, Gage
Tower Residences, CISCR, and yes, even The
Cheeze.
The entire editorial staff would like to take this
space and inform all of our loyal readers that not
only does 77b Damned Straight newspaper not
exist, it never did. In fact you aren't reading anything at this current moment and you most certainty aren't holding anything in your hands.
So while you contemplate the non-existence of
this fictional rag, take some time to write a cheque
to our non-existent staff so that we can go to the
non-existent bar and not get very drunk at all.
Jxuffle you\ feathers.
C mon, you Know you want to.
The Henline.
All vchickei
900
ICKEN
G  POULTRY
Stan
LAVISH
Lavish Love
This week's heme: You end your penis.
Hey, Breeder: I've spent considerable time looking fot my
penis. I've searched everywhere for it. Someone said
that they saw one at the bat. I
thought that it might be mine. So I
went down to look for it. It wasn't
there. I'm concerned that I might
have lost it fotever. Can you help?
Do you have it?
Concerned About Nothing
Hey, CAN: Generally, the biggest
single teason for being unable to
locate yout penis is: You don't have
one! Yes, not everyone has a dong.
In fact, over half of the population is
dick-less. They're called women. If
you want to know if you're a
woman, just go to your doctor and
ask. (Don't be shy, doctors get this
kind of question all the time.)
If your doctor says that you are,
indeed, a man. Then here's a few
hints on finding your penis. 1) It's
usually in your pants. No, not the
ones on the floor, the ones you're
wearing. And if you're wearing a
skirt, check out the last paragraph.
2) If it's not in your pants, you might
have lost it. Have you dated anyone
named Lorena recently?
Hey, Breeder: I was in the bar the
other night at UBC and I was talking to a couple of girls. They
seemed to dig me, and we were
having fun, so I decided to show
them my penis. They freaked! I
don't believe it! Is there anyway of
telling if a girl is so prudish that
she'll scream at the sight of my
penis?
Swinging in the Breeze
Hey, S in B: The one thing that I've
found consistent in all the girls that
I've dated is that they usually don't
want to see your penis only a few
minutes after first meeting you.
Howevet, if this approach seems to
wotk for you, more power to you.
Just try and confirm that the lady
that you're talking to isn't a cop., ot
you might be in for a bit of a surprise.
Hey, Breeder: My girlfriend has been
complaining constantly that my
penis isn't very clean. She says that
most guys she's dated don't have dirt
caked on the sides of their schlong,
and that filth is a bit of a turn-off
during fellatio. How can I keep my
penis clean in the futute?
Dirty
Hey, D: Bleach.
Hey, Breeder: I'm still confused
about this whole sex concept. The
last time 1 wrote in (Hole's Too
Small, December 19) you said that I
should purchase some lubricant
from my local sex store. Well, I did
just that, and while I managed to get
penetration this time, all I felt was a
huge electric shock! What am I
doing wrong?
AR Charged Up.
Hey, ACU: I think that I see your
problem here. Last time, when I suggested that you purchase some lubricant, I was assuming that your penetration problem stemmed from a
sexual partner unaccustomed to
your girth. Now I see that the real
problem is voltage problems. You're
trying to penetrate a 110V socket,
these are small, and are often located in out-of-the-way places. What
you should do is find the larger
220V sockets. These can be located
behind your fridge and stove.
Hey, Bteeder: I've heatd more than
a few stories from my friends about
how their boyfriends dig vibtators.
Since I'm a little too shy to actually
go into the local sex shop, I thought
that I might build one from power
tools in my garage.
All I could find was an old pneumatic hammer, a power sander and
an electric drill. While I think that
it works perfectly, my boyfriend is
afraid to let it anywhere near his
penis?
How can I convince him that it's
perfectly safe?
Mechanically Minded
Hey, MM: While there ate a lot of
sex toys available out there that will
turn on almost any guy, very few of
them require pull-starts.
If you are convinced that your
concoction is perfectly safe and
enjoyable, try demonstrating it on
the family cat ot neighbourhood
dog.
If that doesn't wotk, send it to me,
I'm kind of curious about exactly
what you've managed to come up
with. It'd be neat to swap stories at
sex conventions and answer "what
kind of batteries does your's take?"
with "high octane unleaded."
Hey, Breeder: I hate to tevive an old
topic, but I've been hearing lots of
contradictory opinions lately.
Does size mattet? All my friends
keep telling me "the bigger, the better," while all my girlfriends reassure
me that "it's not how big the tool is,
it's how you use it." Then they all
proceed to snicker when they first
see me nude!
What's the deal here? Should I be
happy with the three inches that
I've got ot should I look into getting
implants?
Missing {in} Action
Hey, MIA: Your friends are right on
both counts. Size both does and
doesn't matter. If you're much below
four inches or so, a little help from
science might be in otder.
If you measure in at eight ot mote,
science might help you go the other
way. Too big can be painful.
If you can't afford the expensive
surgery, try hooking weights in your
foreskin and jumping up and down a
lot.
If that doesn't work, try tying one
end of a string to your penis and the
other to the knob of a near-by door.
When someone opens it, surprise,
longer schlong. Or was that the
trick with teeth? Nah...
Hey Breeder: What's the best way to
pick up a woman?
Totally Confused
Hey Totally: Well, that entitely
depends on the woman. If she's less
than 100 lbs, you should be able to
pick het up youtself without any
problems. Lift with your knees, not
your back. If she's of average weight,
make sure you're wearing a kidney
belt, or ask your best friend for assistance. But, just in case you're trying
to pick up someone who spends
most evenings scarfing down deep
fried cheese, I suggest you look into
renting a forklift from your local
rental service.
Send your letters to Lavish Love, the
Damned Straight, 4th Econoline Van,
Bwrard St. Br. Vancouver, B. C. V7Y
8K5.
Contents copyright Stan Lavish.
Henline does not pre-screen our callers and we assume no liability when meeting with a chicken through our services. Adults only. Callers must be 18 years of age or over.

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