UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Jan 10, 2001

Item Metadata

Download

Media
the432-1.0000782.pdf
Metadata
JSON: the432-1.0000782.json
JSON-LD: the432-1.0000782-ld.json
RDF/XML (Pretty): the432-1.0000782-rdf.xml
RDF/JSON: the432-1.0000782-rdf.json
Turtle: the432-1.0000782-turtle.txt
N-Triples: the432-1.0000782-rdf-ntriples.txt
Original Record: the432-1.0000782-source.json
Full Text
the432-1.0000782-fulltext.txt
Citation
the432-1.0000782.ris

Full Text

Array VOLUME FOURTEEN ISSUE SEVEN
10 January 2000
'I envy people who drink. They have something to blame everything on/
- Oscar Levant
World Still Crippled One Year
After Devastating Y2K Bug
Humanity
Wasteland Once Known as Earth (AP)
Around the globe, it is another desolate, unbearable day for the few huddled survivors of Judgement Day,
the day that all computers turned on their
human masters.
But there is cause for celebration today.
For today is the one year to the day since
modern society as we knew it came to a
screeching halt.
It was exactly one year ago when the 'Y2K'
bug, a relatively simple glitch in the clock
mechanisms of all high-tech machines,
caused the extensive network of computers
that ran their modern society to self-
destruct.
The following sequence of events, starting
with simple electronic meltdowns, and
peaking as the nuclear arsenals of the former Union of Socialist Soviet Republics
and the former United States launched
automatically when their control systems
crashed.
The explosions of the weapons of those
arsenals, and the counter-attack from
every third world warring faction with a
nuclear device, left an estimated 4.7 billion
dead and cast the world into immediate
nuclear winter.
Still Searching For Resaon to Go On in Desolate Horrorscape
No recovery efforts have been successful
yet, mostly due to the great political instability of the entire planet. The constantly
changing parade of 'World Dictators' have
made it difficult to direct any effort
towards recovery of any sort of livable conditions.
tion to Pitt's wife's short appearance on the
balcony before the Royal couple left the
balcony and returned to their chambers to
continue their state-sanctioned repopula-
tion of the earth.
At this point, there are 9 known 'World
Dictators' who claim to be the single, dominant force on the planet. With no 'phone
lines', 'television' or 'internet', the masses
have been unable to form any sort of independent movement.
Brad Pitt, Western North America's sole
claimant as King of Earth, made an appearance on the balcony of his alabaster palace
and commemorated the event in his speech
to the gathering of wretched survivors
from the Southern West Coast of North
America.
'My people,' Pitt began, 'It has been a year
since the holocaust that took so many of
our great inventions from us. But we must
persevere. We must find strength within to
rebuild our society to it's former greatness.
'It is only under my guidance that, not
only will we will attain our past glory, but
surpass it in every way.'
The crowd then applauded loudly in reac-
But what of the common people? How are
they spending Judgement Day's first
anniversary?
Bill Gates, CEO of the former great
Microsoft Corporation, and once arguably
the most powerful man on the planet, was
recently cornered by The 432 for comment
as he was looting the maggot-infested body
of Paul Allen for scraps of food. 'We should
have seen the folly of relying on technology
to see to all our daily needs. If only we had
more of a sense of what was going on. Oh,
the day the fire came down and oh how it
burned my eyes...'
From here, Gates continued on to incoherent ramblings about his 'precious' until he
was overrun by a horde of beshevled ex-
'dot com millionaires' and lynched for his
fur coat, which was then torn to shreds in
the following fight between geeks for its
ownership.
Monuments of refuse and scrap will be
raised in the new major metropolitan areas
on land previously considered unsuitable
for dense human populance. The North
West Coast of North America's greatest
urban area, Abbotsford, invites all it's citizens to take part in it's first annual raising
of a commemorative Pile of Suffering,
which will mark another year of horrid,
dreary existence on a cold and barren planet.
'Yes my brothers,' the Grand General of
Abbotsford said in a press release today, 'it
has come to be that we have somehow
pulled through an entire year of this
unspeakable suffering. But there are many
more to come, and many wars to be fought
over the remains of the once pristine and
beautiful earth. We are truly doomed. But
we should also take great joy in our lives.
Join me, won't you, tomorrow at Noon in
the Abbotsford town square to witness the
dawning of a new era. An era of hope that
we may live to once again know a pleasurable existence.'
Relatively cheerful celebrations are being
held around the world to commemorate
the dead of Judgement Day, and their generally enviable position. Check your local
listings for the time and location of mass
suicides, riots, and public burning of
deviants in your area.
Editors Found Not
Guilty due to Insanity
'This man is following in my footsteps.
I've never been more proud. Please kill me.'
- Andy Martin
Vancouver (Reuters)
In a shocking decision today, the Honourable Judge Daniel Ashbourne handed down the verdict of 'Not Guilty due
to Insanity' in the case of Serial Homicide
against the two editors of The 432, a popular student publication of the University of
British Columbia.
The case had garnered nation-wide attention due to the extremely brutal nature of
the twelve killings that the editors had
admitted to carrying out.
The two accused, Jay Garcia and Andy
Martin, both editors of the Science Undergraduate Society's bi-monthly newspaper,
were deemed 'not mentally competent to
stand trial' after Martin jumped his own
defense lawyer, started striking him
repeatedly with a large chili dog and
accused him of showboating for the 'government yaks'.
Garcia had stated the reason for the preplanned killings was related to the fact that
none of the slain had submitted the
promised articles for The 432. Articles the
editorial staff had been depending on to fill
the paper.
'It's like this Your Honour, We're in the
entertainment business. And if people
don't entertain, then we look bad. And
when people aren't entertaining for us,
they've broken promises, not only to the
co-accused and myself, but to the people as
a whole. Well, Your Honour, we just couldn't stand for that. We killed, not for ourselves, but for the people.'
Police reports have been withheld from
the public, but rumours of decapitations,
guttings, and attempts to make surimi
from the bodies have been leaked to the
media by an unidentified source known
only as 'Deep Tongue'
Both of the accused have been placed in
the care of Dr. J. Hetfield of 'Welcome
Home' Sanitarium in Victoria. Dr. Hetfield
expects the pair to make a slow and harsh
recovery through a vigorous schedule of
shock therapy, heavy morphine and frequent exposure to naked pictures of John
Hallett. Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
10 January 2000
Volume Fourteen
issue SEVEN
10 January 2000
Pimp Daddy
Andy Martin
troller2raven@yahoo.ca
Sugar Daddy
Jay Garcia
jgarcia@interchange.ubc.ca
Mack Daddy
Chris Weston
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Brats
Dan Anderson
Bree Baxter
Tim Chan
Keri Gammon
Jay Garcia
Kelly Mann
Andy Martin
mYk
Kat Scotton
Sara Stamm
Reka Sztopa
Ben Warrington
Chris Weston
Sherry Yang
Web Sites
http://www.ams. u bc.ca/sus/
http://seercom.com/sus/432/
Legal Information
The 432 comes to you from the tortured souls of the damned, i.e. the
editorial staff that enjoys taking
entire weekends out of their life to
give a long, painful, and traumitiz-
ing birth to the words, wit and wisdom you now see before you.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
In support of Arts Week, The 432
will be holding several interesting
seminars, including 'Beyond the
B.A.: Would you like fries with
that?', 'Bullshit: How to sound intel-
legent when you really don't know
shit.', and 'How to Resist Smackin'
Artsies Upside the Haid wit' a Steel
Girder'.
Death to the infidel! Yes, you.
Kicking Yuppies
Bree Baxter
Fond of Bonds
People in Kitsilano leash their children
and allow their dogs to run free. I'm
not sure of the point of this, as Rover
can run faster than Junior and is therefore
more likely to be mown down by a car.
Maybe that's not the point. I've never been
a parent of a Kitsilano kid.
Possibly, the SUV-driving, latte sipping,
DKNY wearing yuppies of Kitsilano have
the right idea. Children need more discipline these days. Tying Bill to a short rope
that his mother carries around might just
produce a more structured society. When
twelve year olds are wandering the West
Side alone at three in the morning, talking
on their cell phones that mommy and
daddy bought them to make sure that
Junior can be tracked down at three in the
morning, it's time to make a change. I have
just the solution: Mandatory work for
everyone over the age of 4.
I know that most people at UBC have this
twisted socialist aversion to the exploitation of small children for corporate profit,
but do you think that today's youth are
done any favours by being allowed to think
that life is just supposed to come to them?
Mom and Dad won't be around forever,
and everyone needs some way to support
themselves.
Hearken back to the beginning of the
Industrial Revolution with me. Back then,
they had kids as young as four and five
working in the coal mines and factories.
Was there a problem with juvenile delinquency or a lack of initiative? Nope. And
Wtfr-ty   Jay Garcia
G »U 2  He's Your Daddy
I had seriously considered getting a
steam powered, robotic version of
myself to write this article; I figured,
hey, six years is a helluva large body of
work to plagiarize from, and besides which,
I've granted myself rights in perpetuity to
continue to rip myself off in case of flood,
fire, or laziness.
Then I realized that if I did this, the resulting article would look like a lot of Spam
mail, inflected with my own sense of vitriolic bile;
"Make money FAST while gouging out the
eyes of capitalistic scum who buy SUVs
and run Honda Civic'? off the road. Lose
weight NOW! And pick up a copy of Quake
3 Arena, Team Arena version, just $44.95
while supplies last, all you have to do is
send this article to fifteen other people and
threaten them to read it, unless they should
want their legs broken".
Seeing as I want to keep this fine paper's
readership in top form for as long as possible (without the blinding inconvenience of
shattered scapulae), I figured the robot Jay
Garcia was out of the question.
This meant that I was still stuck with an
eight-hundred word editorial and nothing
to really write about. I could rant about
politics, but the last two papers were about
politics. I could rant about consumerism,
but I've done that before. Part of the problem of having written about campus life
and idiosyncrasies for six years is that after
a while, you run but of normal things to
write about. To shamelessly steal from the
Byrds; "to everything, turn turn turn, there
is a season". Cyclical modes of human
nature notwithstanding, this does nothing
to fill a half page with entertaining words. I
suppose I could polemicize about the AMS
even if some of the work that these children
were doing for their Fagin-esque employers was less than legal, at least they had
goals in life. Today's kids do not have such
goals. "Oh, mommy, I need a Playstation 2
for Christmas or I'll simply die!"
Whatever.
I heard someone say yesterday that Allan
Greenspan has been trained not to move
too fast for fear of causing the global economy to collapse. For those of you who do
not pay that much attention to the American economic scene, Allan Greenspan is
the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and
the most powerful man in American. He
decides what the American economy does.
When he sneezes, Micosoaft's shares drop
five points. Anyway, Allan Greenspan
wears these funny little bow-ties and black
suits and reminds me of a math teacher I
had in first year. I think it's a great boost to
the world of academia when a math teacher
is seen to run the world's largest economy.
Maybe Allan Greenspan had a hand in the
election of George Bush. Bush has to work
carefully to avoid being seen as his daddy's
hand-puppet, so he would be more likely to
defer to Greenspan on matters of economic impact, much more so than would Gore
(the other one). Anyone who thinks that
Bush won the American election fairly is on
crack. When thousands of most-probably-
African-American-Democrats are falsely
added to a list of federal convicts (in the
States, once you've been convicted of a
felony you can't ever vote), in Florida no
less, you can't even try to tell me that it's a
coincidence. As if the election officials in
Florida are any more racist than those in
other states. Greenspan had to have had a
hand in this.
Editorial
electoral process, but who wants to see the
word "fuck" repeated about six hundred
times in a row? Granted, it would look good
on paper, but I have people who would take
me to task for the gratuitous use of the
word, without even an award attached to it
(read the goddamn Hitchhiker's Guide, if
you need the reference explained). They
would probably accost me as I came into
the office, after work, just looking for a
place to crash before I worked up the energy to go to my next class. They would likely be all smiles, and come-hither eyes (and,
yes, they would most likely be female), and
then they would probably batter me senseless with large, painful blunt objects.
This precludes me, then, from dipping
into the large pool of verboten subjects. I
mean, I've already exhausted the school
categories; bad / good profs, stupid student tricks, residence life, bzzr gardens and
related parties, and so on (as an aside, I've
been told that some people are actually
using my "helpful guides to student life" as
a basis for their academic / social careers; I
would highly advise against following this
practice, as it's more a case of the blind
leading the really stupid). I've exhausted
the geek categories too; hardware specifications, video games, movies and books,
and all kinds of software.
I-I311, I <@|\| 3V3IM S|>33k '1337.
And that is no mean task, I can tell you. It's
like learning Swahili, then throwing away
all the grammar, replacing all the characters with bad alphanumerics, and tossing
in a whole lotta 'tude.
So what am I left with? A handful of topics
not suitable for publication; topics so bad I
wouldn't even submit the resulting articles
to the Underground, out of fear of violating
some or all of the Geneva convention.
But, desperate times call for desperate
measures; I mean, fer chrissakes, I let
Andy edit most of this paper, after all. So,
I'm forced to fall back on the most unholy
Having taken political science classes and
interacted with people who work in finance
and stuff (my friend Brooke, who works as
a mutual fund adjuster or something where
she has to be at work by 6am for the opening of the Toronto Stock Exchange, just got
another cat. This cat is named Suzie and
has evil eyebrows so I'm not sure if the cat
hates me or hates everyone), I have become
even more paranoid, if that is possible. Yes,
the Man is running the show, and his name
is Allan Greenspan.
It would have been so much simpler in the
days of the Industrial Revolution. You
either die from lung cancer from the coal
dust in the mines, or from dysentery from
the open sewer pits on the streets of London (in 1867, there was the Big Stench,
where the entire Thames river went anoxic.
It really sucked because then the bacteria
tried to use sulfur for oxidation, and the
river smelled of rotten eggs) or from any
number of infectious diseases that were
passed on because the English had quite an
aversion to bathing. At the very least, life
and death was predictable. You never
thought that the government was out to get
you (because the government was too busy
fighting with the monarchy) or that someone was watching you. Except God. That
God fellow was watching everyone back
then. Maybe humans can't live without the
dread of being constantly spied upon and
judged. After humans got rid of God, they
needed something or someone else to
watch them.
Allan Greenspan is my God.
of unholies, that verboten topic, broached
only by this campus' seamiest rag (the
Ubyssey), Porn.
Aside from sheer writer's block, this
episode of terrible prurience was brought
on by said Acting Editor, when he made a
gift of the pure, unsullied American version
to the 432 staff, which, at this moment,
includes myself, Andy, and Chris Weston.
Now, I really don't know about Chris' status on the campus meat market, but neither Andy and I have anyone special in our
lives, so you'd think that Porn would be the
perfect gift. But by the time you reach grizzled old man of the campus status, the
sight of three nubile women playing
around with what can only be described as
really lucky produce doesn't tend to arouse,
anymore; we've reached the age of Porn
saturation. I mean, you're getting it in your
face, solicited or not, every day in every
form of media. How else can you attribute
the huge popularity of Britney Spears and
her army of clones?
Hmm, maybe I should capitalize on this
trend and send out Porn Spam; lemme
dust off that steam-powered robotic Jay
Garcia and set it at the computer now...
J have always told Jay that I lo- well,
no...I APPRECIATE him greatly. But the
last thing the planet needs is another
Garcia, steam, life force, or Finlandia-
driven.
He embodies all that is wrong with the
world. From the geekyness (nicely portrayed by the inclusion ofXBox and leet
in this issue), to a true problem with priorities. He actually had a serious internal
conflict of lining up for the release of the
latest 3D smack-n-shoot videogame versus spending time with his girlfriend for
the first time in three weeks.
Ah hell, I'll just cut his balls off.
— Andy 10 January 2000
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
Return of Son of Ramblings IV
mYk
s
Lives Thru da Screen
omeone wrote me an email! My life is
complete! I exist!
Date: Wed, 20 Dec 2000 20:22:54 -
0800
Subject: Existential angst and other
post-modernist delights
From: "Jeremy Vipond"
<j eremy_vipond@hotmail.com>
To: myk432@hushmail.com
Hello mYk.
The issue of the 432 I have strewn
beside me was published on the 24th
"of November. Sorry for the late
reply to your article, but I had my
copy of the 432 stuffed into the
side pocket of my clipboard, where
it was summarily forgotten.
Anyways, Congratulations on a superior expose of existential angst.
I'll be sure to put the Ladner
Exchange on my list of demoralizing
places to visit whilst clothed in a
dark, heavy, Victorian trench coat
and carrying an oil-burning lantern.
However, I must object to your use
of the superlative in describing the
aforementioned bus stop as the
"coldest, loneliest place on earth"
(MyK, 6). My objection stems from
the fact that I can cite a one-
uppance.
You see, in the summer of this I
worked as a security guard at the
PNE.  I believe my official title
was "Patrol Attendant II", or something else of equivalent corporate
bullshit. In this job I sometimes
had the misfortune of being assigned
to Gate 1. This particular entrance
to the PNE fairgrounds is situated
on the corner of Renfrew and Hastings in East Van. I'm sure you've
seen it. Every Vancouverite has seen
it. What every Vancouverite does not
see, however, is Gate 1 at 3:00 A.M.
from the vantage point of a graveyard shift security guard.
At this point you're thinking, so
what Vipond, so you were up all
night? Besides, me and the little
lady crossed that intersection after
we left the PNE. It wasn't so bad.
Well MyK, my shift began at 11:00
P.M. while the intersection and
environs thereabout yet flowed with
happy fairgoers, some of the them
high school friends commenting
excitedly about the fair, my uniform
etc. This is the gate you saw. As
time came to bear on the evening,
however, all the fairgoers left, and
I was left with different company.
Who else is awake at 3:00 A.M.?
Heroin addicts and Vietnamese gangs,
of course! So there I was, huddled
and shivering in the damning cold
and pouring rain, alternately bored
stupid and threatened. The boredom
came from consecutive hours of staring blankly across at a gas station
while my mind alighted on every stupid bit of trivia it had ever come
across. And who threatened me but
Vietnamese gangs whose sole maxim in
life is to immediately administer a
strangling death to anyone who
should so much as hesitate to carry
out their demands. A brief illustration:
"Let me in."
"I'm sorry, the fair is closed,
sir."
(Strangling death)
I'm not being racist. Whites caused
as much trouble. They usually took
the form of heroin addicts who
injected themselves as they crouched
on the bushes, then writhed for
awhile on the lawns as the drug took
effect. Mess with them, and you find
soon find yourself in danger of a
angry, malnourished Rottweiler or a
flung hypodermic needle.
I have written at length, and have
severely contracted your exam cram
time/porn viewing time (you'd have
to be logged on to read this). It's
just that when I read "send your
existential angst" (MyK, 6) I knew I
had to share. Send any rebuttals
and/or scandalous Victorian limericks
to vipond@interchange.ubc.ca
Well thank you
vipond@interchange.ubc.ca for that well
written description of your own personal
experience with existential angst. wow, i
feel like i'm 14 again. Thank you for your
comments about Vietnamese gangs, i will
try to avoid this horrible menace in the
future. Thank you also for qualifying that
unnecessarily racial detail with some
racism against "Whites", which i can only
assume is your own race. Remember kids,
when you make a racist remark followed by
another racist remark about your own race,
it means you are not a racist! Woop!
Where did you learn to be Canadian,
Alabama in the early 60s? I thought so.
Guess what? Race is a myth perpetuated
by western European colonialism, 20th
century military conflicts, and the united
states of America's dependence on slave
labour for hundreds of years. There is
more statistical variance within a "race",
than between different "races". More on
this when i get to the end of my anthropology course, whoops, i got off track there for
a bit. thanks for the letter.
On My Holiday
Speaking of prejudice and Canadian patriotism, guess where i was for a week after
finals and before Christmas? Hawaii! I
went with my mom and brother as a kind of
family vacation kind of thing. We wanted
to do something as a family besides yell
and scream, and sunniness and warmth
was very appealing. Waikiki, where we
stayed, was tacky and touristy, but it wasn't
that bad considering a large percentage of
the people we met were from Vancouver.
While everyone here was suffering though
those 3 inches of snow, i was getting sunburned. We tried to get out of Waikiki as
much as possible though. We went to pearl
harbour, and the punch bowl cemetery on
one tour. It was scary to see how much
Americans focus on the war in the pacific
for world war ii. I learned a lot about the
history and tried to absorb as much culture
as i could. I'm still afraid of Americans
though. Another day we went to The Big
Island (Hawaii) and looked at all sorts of
stuff, including all the volcanoes! On the
last day my brother and i went to Hanauma
bay and went snorkeling with these girls we
met — that was amazingly amazing. Then
we caught the red-eye Canada 3000 flight
home and i shot myself in the head.
On Anti-Trust
Go and see this movie! Not only was it
filmed on the UBC campus and features the
CICSR building, but the hyper technical
elite screen shots are of Linux with a
GNOME desktop! WOop!
On Arts Courses
I'm taking Anthropology 100, Film Studies 230, and English 318! I don't have to
set foot in a compsci building at all this
term! Well, except to go to meetings and
TA that course that i'm doing. I love arts
courses.
On Webmail
Hey all you morons that have to read your
email on the world wide web using services
such as hotmail, yahoo, and hushmail.com
and can't figure out how to telnet or ssh
into netinfo.ubc.ca to read your interchange mail! Soon you'll be able to read
your interchange mail on the web! And
guess who paid to perpetuate stupidity and
dependence on the inherently insecure and
limited- http protocol for email use! You
did! More on this later, when it's
announced officially.
On "Penguin" brand Caffeinated
Peppermints
BOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you, Santa!
On Graduation
Here's some scary shit: I'm graduating in
april. Is anyone else really, really scared of
leaving Mother University and going out in
to the real world, never to return to this
amazing, frustrating, enlightening, beautiful, soul-crushing subculture? please email
me at myk432@hushmail.com. your letter
will get printed because i am having sex
with the editor of this newspaper.
i love you all,
myk
Dan's Zit
Dan Anderson
Mr. Anderson to you
Some things mystify me. Religion.
Quantum theory. Spray-can cheese. I
mean, it's cheese coming out of a can
for chrissakes! But possibly even more
mystifying is what occurs on Dec 31st. People act Stranger and stranger as the night
progresses, with the strangeness sometimes lasting, slowly diminishing, until 3 or
4 in the morning. Perhaps it's the alcohol
and other mood influencers that are doing
it. (No, by "mood influencers" I don't mean
the strippers, for those of you who didn't
have anything better to do.)
And the people organizing events that
night love it. Most nights, if someone
charged $90 for dinner and dancing, where
the dinner is second-rate and the dancing
is about as drunken as the average club,
they'd end up with few takers. But ooh,
look, it's New Years Eve - hey, let's throw
money away! Admittedly, you can save
money on transportation since busses are
free and driving is less than safe, but you
end up spending more in the end because
it's kind of hard to say to that cute guy/girl
you just met "hey, my place is only a 50
minute bus ride from here, whaddaya say?"
I'll bet taxi drivers are in on it too. Now,
contrary to popular belief, I don't mind
splurging. Really. Stop laughing! Hey, I'll
have you know I spent $0.85 on gum the
other day! But there are other reasons the
way people act on new years seems absurd.
And the reasons rarely make sense.
("Sense?" You ask, "isn't that illegal in this
province? Didn't we set up government to
get rid of all of that stuff? Like with fast ferries?") Midnight comes around and couples are being... is "so gooey and mushy I
feel like driving a metal spike through both
of their heads at once and then running
120V through it so they can stay together
for eternity" a valid phrase? But, in any
case, all the singles look around and start
to feel lonely. Well, welcome to the real
world, being single will mean being lonely
the majority of the time, which means the
vase majority of people will either be in a
relationship they aren't happy with
because they "settled for him/her" or else
single and depressed for most of their lives.
Get used to it. But, I'm off topic again.
So, all the singles feel bad. Boo hoo. Does
that give them a reason to hook up with
people who they obviously don't think are
good enough for them, since they don't
even call the next day? Apparently!
(Women and guys, you know what I'm
talking about or you know who you are, not
necessarily respectively.) Once again, alcohol doesn't normally have quite that strong
an effect on so many people all at once. Not
only are alcohol producers, drug dealers,
event organizers and taxi drivers in on this
so-called 'celebration', but makers of
morning-after pills and Valium (for the
happiness of all individuals concerned) as
well!
Besides all of this, what drives people to
put so much emphasis on that day? If you
build it up in importance, it's bound to
eventually not meet your expectations. If
you're not going to bother going out, why
in the world would you feel compelled to sit
and watch other people have fun on the
TV? Why do companies have parties, frats
order kegs, houses get ransacked and clubs
have block-long lineups? Ooh, look, now
the year you occasionally write down is one
bigger. Whoopidee doo dah, big deal. The
passing of the old, and ringing in of the
new? Get real. Everyone wants to improve,
(proof - new years resolutions) but every
year, the downhill slope you're tumbling
down gets steeper and steeper, and the
milestones that pass you by just mark you
that much older. Maybe people just want a
reason to act wild, an excuse to do things
they normally couldn't get away with.
Wake up, people. The reason you don't
normally feel good doing that kind of stuff
is because it's either stupid or illegal, or
both. Or possibly involving www.I-love-
sheep.com. "Hey, look, it's new years, I can
screw my bosses wife! And then drive
home drunk!" Sorry, but we were laughing
at you, not with you, when you did the strip
show on the table at the stroke of 12. And
the flashes weren't fireworks, but flash
bulbs.
I say we forget about the whole New Years
thing, and celebrate "It's A Hell Of A Long
Time Until Next Year Comes"-Day, starting
the Saturday afterwards. Bring out all your
friends, have a rocking good time, and
laugh at all the people who celebrated new
years the week before. Because, hey, new
years comes but once a year, but it's a helluva long time until new years for a while...
especially if you call a week "a helluva long
time"! And with 348 days to celebrate it, it
could just be the party of the year!
Dan has chosen to ignore earlier advise
from Yours Truly. Advise that would have
spared him great physical pain and suffering at the hands of an irate editor.
As I lifted the currently inactive SUS pop
machine to deliver the killing blow, Dan
screamed out like a little girl, claiming
that this article was actually much longer
than usual, and that the problem was
that the text box to fill was that much
larger.
I let it drop on his head, but now I feel
bad.
I wish people wouldn't lay such guilt
trips on me.
Nudge nudge...wink wink... kick to head.
— Andy Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
10 January 2000
A Learning Process
Chris Weston
Procrastinating Quickly
One term of the school year is over,
and we've just begun a brand new
one. If you're lucky, midterms
shouldn't start for at least a good month or
so, the work shouldn't be getting to intense
right away, and you should find yourself
with at least some free time. What does
this all mean? Go out and have fun,
because you know that you'll be missing it
once midterms hit! Once those midterms
start, they don't really stop until the end of
the term again.
It's funny, if you think about it, how it
seems that we don't really do that much
work during the first month or so. If you're
like me anyway, you probably postpone
those readings and questions that were
assigned to you. You probably promise
yourself that you'll get to them later on, but
it never really happens, does it? Then suddenly, one day in class, your professor
announces that a midterm will be in a few
days. Oops! Guess you should have done
that work when you were supposed to do it!
All of a sudden, you are in a mad rush to get
through many chapters of reading. The
worse part is that you not only have to read
it, but you have to understand it as well in
this short period of time. That kind of helps
for a test, in terms of doing well.
I found this situation even worse with
finals this last term. Once the last midterm
of the term was over, I found that less and
less reading and work was being done. I
guess I somehow thought that since there
wouldn't be anymore midterms on it, I didn't really need to do the work. Of course
that was totally wrong^and I knew it from
the start. As soon as we were done classes,
the time to start studying for final exams
arrived. What fun! I now had the task of
actually reading some of the material for
the first time, making sure I knew it by
doing various questions, as well as actually
studying all the other material that had
been covered in the term. I ended up
spending the first part of the time that I
was supposed to be using for actual studying, just learning the material for the first
time. It's not really the best way to go,
because if you can't teach it to yourself,
there's not really too much more you can
do about it. Amazingly, somehow it all
worked out in the end though. The studying that needed to be done got done and
things were learned.
What this all shows us is that we really
don't need to be in school for the full 8 or
so months of school. In fact, the time could
probably be cut in half if that was what we
wanted. We could have an intense few
months of studying and learning, where
that would basically be all that we do, and
then we could be off for half of the year or
more. We could be working and relaxing,
rather than stressing out about assign-
Wanna Date?
Kelly Mann
Clock Watcher
Well, the ACTUAL start of the millennium. After watching the common masses getting all whooped
up over what really amounted the biggest
false alarm of all time (except the Y2K bug
scare, which ironically showed to be a farce
at the exact same second as the other). Way
to go guys.
Okay, yes, I was one of the millions to partake in the partying, drunkenness, and
rampant nudity deep into the night. But,
it's so easy to get whipped into a frenzy
when it's an reason for possibly the greatest party of all time.
Baa.
Does it really matter what the date is? I
mean, think about the countless number of
people who died before, or were born after
a millennium. Millions who will never see a
millennium (or even a century) turnover.
Are their lives any more barren? I'm sure
they lived/will live full and happy
lives...except for the slaves, their lives
sucked.
But this is not an article about people who
lives were tragic, but it's important to realize that we have better lives than most of
the world. But what else can I talk about? I
started this with the intention of discussing
the farce of the millennium, but suddenly,
I've run out of material. Way to go Kelly.
I'd like to wonder out loud exactly what is
up with Vancouver 'rock' radio stations? I
stopped listening about mid-Nov when
exams started (Dean Hill's voice makes me
so aroused I can't study). When I was done
failing my exams, I turned the radio back
on. Turning to the Fox, 'Vancouver's real
rock', I heard Eminem (what kind of name
is that? M-E-Nem? Time to come out of the
closet, maybe then you won't be so pissed
off and so generally freaked-oiit). Huh? I
could stand a little Beastie Boys when they
played them. They're halfway rock, and
kick ass,'but not Eminem (he doesn't even
come close to rock). So I turned to X-Fm,
'Vancouver's Rock Alternative'. But what
do I hear but Cypress Hill coming out of my
stereo. Huh? I could swear I remembered
the Fox boycotting a U2 album not so long
ago because they were concerned it was too
'dancy', and X-Fm seems to play more
Moby than Matt Good.
Let's just hope 'N Stink doesn't creep in
too soon. At least the stations haven't sold
out as much as Muchmusic has. Is there a
boy band they won't overplay until I feel
like going to Toronto just to be the only girl
in the 'Intimate and Interactive' crowd giving them the finger and waving a placard
reading 'C.J! I'm pregnant with your bastard child!'?
Women are such idiots. And, for once, it's
a woman saying it. Look at the youngest of
us: screaming like idiots in front of any
bunch of guys they put together and put as
the pretty face on a media machine constructed by big business. Then we get older,
leave the boy bands behind, and believe the
bull that men tell us in the bar. Why do
they act like such jerks? Because it actually
works once in a while, and is a lot easier
than being the sweet guy we all dream of.
That's right. When we were little girls on
our Daddy's knees as he read us fairy tales,
we always imaged our Prince Charming
would grab our ass during the first dance of
the ball and spend the rest of the night trying to get us back to their tower. I can't
believe I'm in the minority for responding
with a knee-to-groin combo when a guy
does that.
Really guys, all we want is a selfless guy
who will help me through the tough times,
make me laugh during the good times, and
make me feel special inside all the time.
Little extras like an occasional thoughtful
gift, compliment, and maybe a bit of poetry
is icing on the cake. The whole dragon-
dueling thing is optional. That's all I want.
And wanting is as close as I'm getting to it.
Whatever, the point is that guys are such
idiots because they can't get this.
Well then, I guess everybody's an idiot.
Um, except me.
..And me too. Insanity and idiocity are
two completely different things. — Andy
ments and tests during that all that extra
time. We forget how efficient we can actually be if we need to be. All term nothing
really gets done for a lot of courses, with
the exception of around midterms and big
assignments, and then right at the end we
seem to be able to learn the whole course in
a matter of a few days. It's amazing really!
I am glad, however, that the time we
spend in school is not less than it is. Can
you imagine living in exam studying mode
for a few months in a row? I don't think I
could handle it. There would be no time to
do anything else while at school. We all
know that being at university involves
more than just learning course material, so
perhaps we should just stay the way that
we are. It seems to be working just fine.
Man, I hate having to make with the
funny on the spot.
I takes a certain mood to be funny. A
mood fueled by equal parts bacardi, bitterness, and bloodlust (if the current editorial staff is anything near a defining
example).
You have no idea the amount of blood,
tears, and sweat goes into this paper,
most of it from the 5 year olds who work
at the sweatshop where we print this.
God bless the little children
— Andy
SUS Bzzr
Gardening
Crew
will meet
fridays at SUS
(Henn 102)
® 4:32 PM
please email
Kat
kscotton^
nterchange.ubc.ca
if you want to
come.
Pornological
Ben Warrington
EI Bastardo Grande
Well it is a brand new year, a brand
new millennium for that matter.
You should feel blessed that you
got to see the end of a millennium. Apparently, it only happens twice every thousand
years. I never understood the whole fight
about whether the millennium started January 1, 2000 or January l, 2001. Sure, I
suppose technically that the year 2000 is
the two thousandth year, and thus is the
last year of the second millennium not the
first year of the third, but do you include
1990 in the decade of the eighties? What's
it really matter, anyway? Our calendar has
a lot more problems than the lack of a year
o. Current leading theories place the birth
of Jesus in one of 7 or 35 AD (or CE for
those people who prefer). On the other
hand, the Gregorian calendar (the one we
use for those who might not know) didn't
actually come into use until something like
400 years after the date it was supposed to
be measured from, so I would say Gregory
did a pretty decent job all things considered. While we are on the subject, anyway,
it is interesting to note that Christ was
probably born in the fall, around September or October. Christmas is actually a
pagan festival to beg the sun to return and
chase the winter away.
At the end of I999, back when there was all
the hype about the year 2000 and the Y2K
bug, I saw a calendar with the Jewish year.
Forgive me, but 5760 seemed so much
more impressive than a mere 2000. It is
now 5761 (has been for months actually),
and it is a good time to reflect on the past
and on the future.
You have probably noticed that the world
didn't end at the end of the millennium as
predicted, whether you take that to have
been last year or this, but that's okay
because we have another chance. Apparently the ancient Mayan calendar ends
sometime around Dec 21-23, 2012 or
13.0.0.0.0 in Long Count. There seems to
be a lot of disagreement on exactly what is
supposed to happen, but whatever hap
pens, enjoy your KIEJEB' AJPUU and hope
that there is a world to wake up to on JOB
IMOX.
So what does the future really hold for us?
How the hell should I know? If I did, I
would be rich as fuck from the gambling,
and not hanging around here. So, maybe it
would be better to reflect on the past. A lot
of wondrous human achievements
occurred in the past thousand years,
nuclear capability being just one of them.
Millions, possibly billions, of people
starved to death over the last thousand
years. Many thousands or millions of people were murdered. The Americas were colonized by Europeans resulting in more
murder, war, and general mayhem. There
were the Opium wars, the crusades, the
Mongol hordes, and of course, two world
wars.
It wouldn't really be fair, however, to
assert that all of human history for the past
thousand years has been killing. There
were several renaissances where culture
was completely revolutionized, thus creating a whole new stuck-up, snobbish upper-
class each time. There was the industrial
revolution which allowed us to pollute our
planet, and of course, televisions and computers in front of which, I spend many
hours rotting my brain.
So what is my point? This new year is not
going to be a lot different than the past.
Someone will probably make some new
discovery, a popular new little consumer
product might come out (almost certainly
hundreds of stupid useless ones will), and
some people will keep stealing and murdering. Maybe a disease will be cured, and
a new one discovered. None of these things
really care if the year is 2000 or 2001, or
5761, for that matter. Most really big
changes take place over a considerable
amount of time, even those changes which
are considered relatively quick.
Anyway, have a happy new year even if the
Jews think it happened back in September,
the Mayans think it was before Christmas,
and the Chinese say it doesn't come for
another couple of weeks. It's all arbitrary
anyway. Page Five
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
10 January 2000
and°ary02
An Entertaining and
Informative week of
Science Related
Activities!
Here's a "Previewof Science Week Events:
Monda
11:30 - 2:30
Club Displays
SUB Concourse
All Day
SUS Open House
Hennings 102
12:30
Chemistry Magic Show
Chem B150
4:30 - 7:00
Movie Night
Woodward IRC 2
Wednesda
11:30 - 2:30
Club Displays
SUB Concourse
All Day
SUS Open Rouse
Hennings 102
12:30
Chemistry Magic Show
Chem B150
4:30 - 7:00
Beyond the B.Sc.
Woodward Councourse
Also look out for the Dunk Tank, Paper plane
Contest, Bread Baking Contest, LAN games,
Scavenger Hunt and many many more neat science
events!
for details, see the MEW SUS
website at: www.ams.ubc.ca/sus or
Frida
11:30 - 2:30
Club Displays
SUB Concourse
All Day
SUS Open House
Hennings 102
12:30 - 2:30
SCIENCE OLYMPICS
2001
SUB South Plaza
8:00 -12:00
mm mm*
featuring:
Bit Naked
with Crowned King and
LiveonRelease
tix @ SUB Ticketmaster Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
10 January 2000
Hell Phones 101
Kat Scotton
Neutering Fido
I think every cell phone user should have
to register for, and pass, a course on
cell phone etiquette before being
admitted to UBC. Read on and you'll
understand why.
I'm sitting here in my math class and just
15 minutes ago someone's cell phone went
off. I can't stand it when that happens.
People never remember to turn them off.
And it is never a simple ring, no, no, it has
to be some annoying jingle. Yes, I admit,
cell phones are useful, but I just don't want
to be one of those cell phone toting zombies I see all over campus, and very nearly
hit with my bike. I understand that many
students here are "responsible cell users,"
and I respect and thank you. But then
there are the OTHERS who give all cell
phone users a bad name. You all know who
I am talking about. Sitting in Hebb Theatre
or even a small room in Buch (where I am
now), I'm sure you have heard those crap-
tacular electronic beeping ditties that only
a small child could appreciate. Then you
will have inevitably watched as the Prof
paused to wait until the device was shut off
as 20 people looked at the person next to
them, looked at their bags, rummaged, and
realized it was not theirs (or it was and that
person became red in the face and shut it
off, hopefully). Then there are the wonderful people that decide that [oh, hold on,
there's another cell phone] their call is
more important than [now there is someone behind me talking on the phone] the
class and will chat away, like the girl
behind me laughing and talking in Cantonese.
I own a pager. Yes, they make noise, too,
but mine is set on vibrate. No, it is not
placed anywhere "special," just clipped in
my pocket. If my pager goes off in class it
won't disturb anyone, except of course for
the slight jump I give when it starts vibrat
ing against my very ticklish hipbone.
Damn that's a ticklish spot. Cell phones
have that fine feature, too. Please use it,
you may enjoy it. If you saw the movie
Keeping the Faith, you would have seen
Jenna Elfman with her cell phone strapped
to the inside of her thigh, set on vibrate
[sigh, there's another phone, at least this
one has a normal ring]. You would have
also seen Ben Stiller throw her cell phone
in a garbage can. Priceless.
I mean do you really need to be in touch
with people 24 hours a day? Sometimes I
get so annoyed with my pager that I just
want to throw it in a garbage can, too. At
least the people paging me know that they
must wait until it is convenient for me to
phone them back, for example finding a
phone (well, most people understand the
pager concept, although there is an
unnamed individual who paged me 7 time
in one hour...). Why can't you be unreachable only 6 hours a day? Is it really that
hard to turn off a cell phone, or do you live
in fear that once it shuts off, you will lose
your ability to breathe, eat, pump blood,
etc.? I don't need to hear Beethoven's
Symphony #5 battling the Macarena and
the lecturer for domination over my Math
100 class.
Last week I actually did lose my pager.
After my karate class I went to The Gallery
for a few drinks with some of the other club
members. A couple hours later it was time
to go home. When I arrived at my humble
basement suite, I reached for my pocket to
check the time, but to my surprise, no
pager. Panic set in. Thoughts ran through
my head like, "Oh man, mom's gonna kick
me out of the family again, that was my
Christmas present," and "Hmm... maybe
now I might be free of the clutches of my
job paging me at the last minute for a Friday shift 'til midnight." I decided I'd better
try to find that pesky pager.
First off, I checked my backpack. No luck.
Checked all pockets of jackets and pants I
had with me. No luck. I know I had it with
me because I had received a page from our
Dead Pool vers.5:
The Most Realistic
Death Yet!
The Reaper
150% Grimmer!
We are now into the brand new
beginnings of a fresh millennium.
Who will die this year? Heck, who
is already dead? I know, as I am the Reaper
and I have nothing better to do.
You'll remember that Pierre Trudeau died
in the last few months and, contrary to
some pundits predictions, has not (yet)
risen from the stone crypt as a latter-day
Saint. A few famous people died over the
Christmas Break, but I can't find my list o'
Death right now so I'll resort to that old
chestnut, my waiting list of those ready to
kick off. If you know someone who died
and who is on your list, email me at dead-
pool_432@hotmail.com to let me know.
The Pope has Parkinson's disease. It's not
fatal in itself, but the body does shut down.
However, as tremors were seen as early as
1990, and he's still around, one can only
assume that the Big Guy has his hand in
the pie and is keeping John-Paul around
for a while.
The Opposition in Iraq said that Saddam
Hussein had a stroke a week or so ago,, but
a senior official in Saddam's government
said that he had never heard such crap and
if the opposition was going to make up
claims about his death, they could at least
plan some kind of assassination or something to get their facts straight.
And the Queen Mum isn't going anywhere, but her daughter may be. No, not
the Queen. Princess Margaret has had
some health problems in recent days so we
may be losing one more member of the
Royal Family.
As we are a nation of morbid people, I'm
sure we'll all keep watching the death list
and the tabloids. I know I will. Non-
Denominational Deity bless you, and don't
fear the Reaper.
I personally believe that fate's hand may
take the following people much earlier
than might be expected, and would be
fabulous choices for your deadpool list:
My 5 th Grade Teacher, My Boss two
summers ago, the Cook on the boat I was
on last January, my brother, the imbecile
Registrar's Office clerk at Stanford for
telling me Jan. 15'as the deadline, as
opposed to the 'Dec. 15' that it really was
and may loose me my grad school. And,
of course, probably me too. — Andy
D of F. So the next step was to page myself
with my home number, hoping that someone would pick it up and phone me. One
problem was that the pager was set on
vibrate. Hmm...not very loud. Oh well, I
gave it a shot. A few minutes later there
was still no response. I then phoned Safe-
walk to see if someone could go check the
bathroom across from The Gallery for me.
I figured it may have fallen out of my pocket when I pulled my pants down, which it
has done before, but I was a little more
sober and actually noticed. No luck in the
bathroom either. Son of a bitch.
I couldn't seem to find the number for The
Gallery in the UBC directory, so I gave up
for a bit, hoping that someone would call. I
turned on ICQ and chatted with my friend
Brian from UVIC for a bit and told him
about my pager. I then got the bright idea
to take my headlight sized flashlight and
look for the pager outside where I had
stumbled out of the very high van I had
been given a ride in. No luck there, either.
I then checked the phone book again for
the number to The Gallery and finally
found it. The next day I retrieved my pager.
It happened to be a Friday and I didn't pick
it up until 4pm, so if work paged (which
they didn't) I wouldn't have been able to
respond. Oh darn. I felt relieved because I
had a busy night ahead of me. Oktober-
fEUSt and clubbing with a friend. Mom
could no longer kick me out of the family
again, well, at least not for the pager, and I
hadn't really missed the pager, so I won in
the end. I had a good night out.
Back to cell phones, though. One new feature on cell phones is an e-mail option.
Now I do most of my e-mailing at night,
because that's when I have time. Then people get mad because their cell phone rang
at 2 am and the message was longer than
500 characters, or whatever it is. I'm sorry,
but use my e-mail to send information
without having to call someone. That way,
I assumed it wouldn't matter what time I
sent my e-mail, or how long the message
was. Nope, wrong again, the ever increasing need to be in contact with people 24
hours a day has ruined the use of e-mail for
me. I don't even like people that much,
anyways. If I wanted to tell you something
right away, I would call, hence the cell
phone, and if I have access to a computer to
use e-mail, I most likely have access to a
phone. Therefore I will call.
I invite everyone to smack the next person
who's cell phone goes off in the middle of
your next midterm. Maybe I should start
bringing my suction cup dart gun to class...
Dead Pool V
Entry Sheet
^   D rop off your for m i n S US 0 r e- mi i 10 January 2000
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
Vox Populii
President
Keri Gammon
Welcome back to another term of
UBC Science! I hope that everyone had a kick ass holiday. I write
to you from deep in the bowels of South
Western Ontario where I'm taking a bit of
an extended holiday* getting all of my stupidity out now before hitting the books for
my last term at UBC.
Sports Rep
Sara Stamm
Welcome to the final term of this
year all you crazies. Every semester I debate coming back, but I do
it for you.
Anyways, the last day for league registration WAS Friday the 5th, and now you've
missed it.
Social Coordinator
Back to business. The big issue for my
portfolio this term is social space for Us science kids. We are currently in discussion
with the administration over various locations, but we want to know what you're
thinking. Ideas, suggestions, comments,
your social space prophecies, whatever;
don't be shy.
Come by Hennings 102 and talk to us, or
send me an email at kagammon@inter-
change.ubc.ca.
So hugs and kisses until next time, and
we'll see all of you at SCIENCE WEEK!
Look for the SUS Sports Mascot, coming
this term, you'll get along fine.
Sports rebates for term II, again, at the
end of the term, and NOT BEFORE!!!!
Happy new year and Christmas, hope it all
went well over the holidays.
I can't wait for Reading Break.
Katharine Scotton
Welcome back! Here's what I have
planned for you in the next couple weeks. Cold Fusion, baby,
that's where it's at! That fun event will be
on the 26th of January, to close off Science Week (that's a Friday). Cold Fusion
is huge bzzr garden featuring bands. This
year I am proud to present to you, Bif
Naked, with guests Crowned King and
LiveonRelease. Tickets are $18, and
before you start complaining about the
cost, I must mention that you are getting
a hell of a deal here, (you should be
paying about $30 for a show like this).
Not to mention that you will be in the
SUB Ballroom, a great small venue. So
look at the bright side, small venue,
great sound, wicked line up, and lots of
bzzr. Tickets can be purchased from
the SUS office, or at ticket master in the
SUB, for a small service charge. We will
also have a booth in the SUB during science week, were you can purchase your
tickets, but get them fast, or else it will be
too late, this show should sell out.
I'd also like to mention that we will still
be doing a weekly bzzr garden crawl on
Fridays, starting at 4:32pm, from SUS.
Have a great new term, and good luck,
all.
/The
(Princeton   AfCAT
Review
Professional MCAT Preparation from The Princeton Review
MCAT Math Quiz:
Why is the Princeton Review's MCAT program
your only choice in MCAT Preparation :
72+ Classroom Hours
+ 35+ Testing Hours
+ Unlimited    Extra Help
= No Competition!
The Princeton Review's MCAT program is the most comprehensive,
most complete MCAT preparation anywhere. Nowhere else will you
have over 100 hours of live instruction and testing time with teachers
who will make you an expert at the MCAT.
Call 1/800 2REVIEWfor details.
Check our website at www.princetonreview.com
Internal Vice-Prez
Reka Sztopa
Welcome back everyone. I hope that
you had a great holiday and that
you are ready for second term. I
myself had a very short break and frankly
am already looking forward to Reading
Week.
First Year Committee is starting up again
for this year, so if anyone is interested in
helping out, email me.  FYC meetings are
going to be on Wednesdays at 3:30pm in
SUS (Hennings 102). We will be helping
out with Science Olympics and Beyond
First Year during Science Week, as well as
organizing a first year dance later in the
term.
Academic committee is also starting up, so
any science student interested in helping
give put teaching awards and organizing
study sessions let me know.
Stayed tuned for Term 2 office hours, Science Week information and information
about the upcoming Executive Elections in
the next couple of issues of The 432!
Secretary
Sherry Yang
Hi Everyone, Hope you all had an
excellent new year's. Guess what?
For all you excited science students
who've been dying to see the council minutes - they are now available for easy viewing on the net! Thanks to our D of Pub...
you can access them under council documents at http://www.ams.ubc.ca/sus.
That way you can see exactly what it is that
your SUS council discusses at Council
meetings... and maybe even take a sneak
peak at what we do with the blessed $12
that you give us!
Good luck with the rest of the term!
Senator
Tim Chan
zzzzzzup. Um, I don't really
have much to say in this issue so
is it alright if I pass this time? Not
much is going on with Senate and as I mentioned today, the next meeting isn't for a
couple weeks.
Tim
W-a:
science swag
Kick-Ass!
O^O
Mugs
Coffee Mugs
T-shirts
Toques
5
2
$12
Coffee mugs ore on sale for $15 for a
limited time. Come into SUS or e-mail
wafiidQintercflange.u6c.ca to buy yours
today!
UJLllUJ.5inFEST.nET
kJJLUkJJ.EHPLDlTRTlDnilDUJ.Cnin
kJJkilkU.DlE5ELSUJEETIE5.CDfn
kJJUJku.PEnny-FRCRDE.carn
ujkuuj.piypDnLinE.CDfn
UJUJkU.PiERLLlFECDiTHC5.CDrn
LETHRLDD5E5. Ev.DET/LETHRL
UJUJUJ.5LUGEV.CDH1
UJUJUJ.iTlPDE.CDm/PDLViTlEFiCiTV
UJkUUJ.tnEGRTOttYD.CDin
ujujuj.irMTFinH.cDrn
The Princeton Review is not affiliated with Princeton University or AAMC. Page Eight
THLFOUR THIRTY TWO
10 January 2000
Nothing Changes on New Year's Day
Andy Martin
N.Y. Dissolution
It's the end of the most wonderful time
of year. Around the world, people of all
creeds, colours and nationalities shed a
small, silent, anguished tear for the passing
of another Nog Season. As the wells of
eggnog run dry for another 10 and a half
months, the best prepared of us stockpile
supplies for the coming year. Yet, all of it
will be in vain. The nog will slowly turn and
fail into a semi-gelatinous mass of curdled
and festering swill no better than Sunny
Delight, a corrupted mockery of it's former
beautiful self.
Ah, the perfect metaphor for an article
about New Year's resolutions.
At some point during your long and prosperous holidays, most of you probably
went along with the holiday tradition and
made some sort of well-meaning promise
to yourself about something you will or
won't do to better yourself in the critical
eye of our Western society and its rather
odd value system which nobody ever pays
attention to anyways.
Fools! You will see how utterly weak and
pathetic you are in the face of...yourselves!
That's right. You will not possibly succeed
in your self-betterment. You will defeat
yourselves. You will beat yourself like a
teenage boy with his first Playboy. The
creeping apathy, increased by a structureless early January without midterms, term
papers or any discipline, will course
through your veins and slowly crumple you
into the weight-gaining, elder disrespecting, chain smoking socially repulsive mon
ster you dread.
And why will you, and all those around
you, fail? Well, this is a multifaceted
answer.
First off, the magic of your resolution will
fade. It becomes out of season. Resolutions
are like tacky Christmas decorations and
clothing at the department store. Proudly
hung in the 'impulse buying' section with
$15-99 price tags during the season. But
the day after New Year's, they fall to the
bottom of the 99 cent pile where they will
remain (they don't rot in anaerobic conditions) until next November 1st, when they
will be unearthed, scraped of mole dung,
and be proudly displayed in the $16.99 display, to be snapped up by the mindless
flock that is WalMart Shoppers.
Second of all, you are drunk. The decision
on what exactly your resolution will be is
made in an overly inebriated state on New
Year's Eve. It's about as logical as the fact
that restaurants want you to add up and
allocate a bill for a party of fourteen after
three hours of 'social' drinking. After a few
New Year's spirits hit your central nervous
system, your mouth's communication lines
are severed from your cerebellum right
down the integrative centre. Your mouth is
alone and scared, and willing to make up
any story to get out of this frightening situation. I, myself, have been heard to make
oaths to topple the empires of Rome,
Prince Rupert, and Chef Boyardee. Then I
sober up the next morning, walk to the
nearest airport to buy myself a ticket back
to Vancouver from whatever destination I
thought looked pretty on the map the night
before, and begin writing apology letters.
And I know, and am pained, that it will
never come to be.
Thirdly, the apathy thing that's been
touched on before. This is the source of all
the problems. This is why the rainforest
doesn't get saved. This is why there is no
peace on earth. This is why you don't leave
it all behind to join the Peace Corps to
make what small, but actual difference one
can make to make the world a better place.
Instead, you are satisfied with your entry-
level job, cell phone, hotmail account, and
accept your S.O.'s significant flaws. It's in
our cultivated nature, and it takes a hell of
a lot of effort and bravery to brake out of
our comfortable digital cocoon and make
something better of our existence. Effort
and bravery we need to get up early on Saturday to get a good place in line to fork
over $40 for the next Pearl Jam show.
Comfortable apathy be-eth your God now.
Even if this piece does give you some sort
of inspiration to change, you won't.
You Won't.
You'll lose your resolve by the time you
read Jay's italicized witty knock at my sanity, I.Q. or manhood at the end of this text
box. (Tho' I do hope to plant the seed to
break up a few 'happy' relationships built
upon mediocrity. Hee hec.'cuz I'm evil
and I don't like you.)
You will live a drone life. You will complete your useless degree, wander through
a bunch of shallow relationships with the
most physically attractive people you can
attract, finally attaching yourself to
whichever you can stay with for over a year
once you're in the 27+ age bracket, get
married (or not), pump out 2.3 psychologically and emotionally screwed up brats
into an already overpopulated world, and
end up working a kinda, if-you-look-at-it-
this-way, degree-related job. All the while
claiming to co-workers, who really don't
care, that you're better than the pathetical
ly drab niche you suddenly find yourself
silently drowning in.
All because you can't keep your New
Year's Resolution.
So, you assume what appears obvious
from this piece, that I don't make resolutions. Well, you're wrong, I do. But I know
mine are a sham. And, as I do with everything that qualifies as dead air, I amuse
myself and fuel daydreams that make my
non-rock star, non-secret agent, non-banging Cameron Diaz existence a little more
bearable. If you're gonna aim at all, aim
high.
I resolve to make peace with my Aunt after
disowning her after she disagreed with the
irrefutable fact that Metallica's 'Master of
Puppets' is the greatest musical masterpiece of all time. I resolve to dig my way out
of this meaningful search for 'true love' and
concentrate more on meaningless, s^ex-
based relationships. I resolve to stop intentionally passing gas in crowded elevators. I
resolve to build that machine from 'Ernest
Goes to Camp' and use it to renegotiate my
Oceanography 410 mark. I resolve to stop
making fun of flipper babies and start making fun of single mothers. I resolve to push
for world peace, as long as I can still smack
you upside the head when I feel the situation warrants it. I resolve to stop compensating for other people's loser boyfriends. I
resolve to resolve...stuff. Done. What's
next?
Did you know that 'resolution' backwards
is 'No It U Loser'? Even if it wasn't smooth,
I had to fit that fact it somewhere. Hell,
what better time than now?
Jay was unavailable for witty knock.
Um...Ijust genrally suck.
— Andy
featuring
BTF NAKED
with guests
CroWned King
and
LiveonRelease
Friday, January 16th, 2001
SUB Ballroom
8pm - 12am, Doors at 7:30pm
Tickets: $18
Purchase from Henn 102
or in the SUB
Prested by the Science
Undergraduate Society
Must be 19 to enter
SCIENCE
UBC

Cite

Citation Scheme:

        

Citations by CSL (citeproc-js)

Usage Statistics

Share

Embed

Customize your widget with the following options, then copy and paste the code below into the HTML of your page to embed this item in your website.
                        
                            <div id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidgetDisplay">
                            <script id="ubcOpenCollectionsWidget"
                            src="{[{embed.src}]}"
                            data-item="{[{embed.item}]}"
                            data-collection="{[{embed.collection}]}"
                            data-metadata="{[{embed.showMetadata}]}"
                            data-width="{[{embed.width}]}"
                            async >
                            </script>
                            </div>
                        
                    
IIIF logo Our image viewer uses the IIIF 2.0 standard. To load this item in other compatible viewers, use this url:
http://iiif.library.ubc.ca/presentation/cdm.the432.1-0000782/manifest

Comment

Related Items