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The 432 Nov 20, 1991

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 00
^g All The Gnus That's
Fit to Hint       "
The Newspaper for Science Students Version 5.05 • November 20,1991
Last week, war was, formally
declared between the Science
and Engineering Undergraduate
Societies. Though the hostilities
have yet to erupt, troops from
both societies are reportedly at
the ready.
The conflict began two and a
half weeks ago when two members of the SUS's special operations division infiltrated the
Cheeze Factory and claimed
EUS President Adam "Boomer"
LaRusic's Godiva patch.
The recent demise of Lady
Godiva as the EUS's symbol
made the blow struck by the
SUS sting all the more. Seeking
retribution, the EUS's enforcement arm captured, questioned
and tortured both conspirators.
Unable to determine the patch's
whereabouts, the ELFS subse
quently released them.
The tension heightened as the
last issue of The 432 hit the
stands, as an article on the front
page, featuring a photograph of
the patch, lauded the success of
the operation.
"Though the printing of the
patch was met with some controversy, we felt no need to
apologize for showing just how
totally powerless the EUS is after
last year's debacle. Truth to tell,
we were rather disappointed with
the patch itself. It's difficult to
imagine why a group of supposedly intelligent individuals
would protect so unendowed an
icon." saidPatrickRedcling, SUS
Director of Publications and
Demolition Squad Commander.
Infuriated, the EUS threatened
a strike against the SUS, in
particular The 432. The strike
never materialized - another
indication of the steadily waning power of the EUS.
Increasingly frustrated, the
EUS has, in the last week, resorted to psychological warfare
in offering a bounty for every
"E" removed from science student clothing.
Though repeated attempts
were made to claim lettering
from SUS External VP and Director of War Operations Erik
"The Fish" Jensen's jacket, the
EUS was ultimately unsuccessful in its attempt to demoralize
the SUS.
Suspicious of the Engineers'
intentions, the SUS putouta call
to arms last week, urging each of
its member clubs to "protect its
interests in any way deemed
necessary ."Physsoc, the powerful club whose Radical Beer
Faction was responsible for the
attempted coup earlier this year,
was among the first to support
the SUS resolution.
Finding itself lacking in allies, the EUS delivered an ultimatum, demanding full SUS
demilitarization, as well as the
return of President LaRusic's
patch. Negotiations broke down
quickly, and the conflict exploded.
SUS President Gio Vassone
comments: "They were scared.
We could all see that. They were
blustering, hoping we'd back
down. We know they don't just
want what's rightfully theirs.
They're trying to rebuild themselves. Our interception of the
plans to OPERATIONCANTE-
LOUPE proves it." Vassone is
referring to the recent report of
SUS Intelligence involving the
Engineers' latest top-secret offensive plan. "Detailsare sketchy
at this point, but we know they're
up to something, possibly involving melons, possibly not."
War was formally declared at
last week's EUS Council meeting. Parties on both sides have
refused to back down as yet, but
negotiations continue amidst the
strife. However, no peaceful end
to the hostilities is expected in
the foreseeable future. Again,
science students are to prepare
themselves, and to evacuate
Applied Science territories as
soon as possible. "We will win
this sister of all battles," concluded Redding.
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Ingredients
1 Science Made 7 Harry Tic
Easy Organized Grime
2 Lus Canons 8 Grimace
Skeleton Man Hyperspace
3 Rabies
9   Stuff
4 Gear Aversion     10 Mundane
Angry Duck Dumbster
More Stuff
5 Dysfunctionals
Dik Miller 11  Dean's Lists
6 pseudoscience
ReButtal Page Two
The Four Thirty-Two    Version 5.05   •   November 20,1991
Liis Canons
Patrick
Redding
William Barrymore Lucas enlisted in the United States Army
in 1952, after receiving an academic deferral from mandatory
service in 1950. Upon completing his degree in landscape architecture, "Willy" Lucas reported
to the central Armed Forces
recruiting depot in Mobile, Alabama as required by law. He
was 23. He was certified A-l
(fit) and admitted into basic training, which he completed in the
usual four months with slighdy
above average performance
scores. The instructor at Ft.
Pushkin Illinois said, in his evaluation of Pvt. Lucas, "The subject
has demonstrated practical intelligence, and excellent physical fitness in the areas of speed,
strength and tactical skill. It is
my recommendation that Pvt
Lucas' profile be forwarded to
the battalion commander in
charge of Special Operations, to
determine this private's suitability for possible training with
the Rangers and Survival
School."
With few prospects for employment in civilian life, and no
family tospeakof.PrivateLucas,
at his drill sergeant's behest,
applied for entrance into the
Special Forces. His first interview went smoothly, and he was
transferred to Fort Bragg for
further testing. At that point, an
exhaustive psychological examination revealed a number of
previously unknown quirks
which caught the attention of the
admissions officer. It was discovered that Willy Lucas suffered from a deep-rooted though
largely submerged predisposition toward obsessive and addictive behavior. In addition, it
was determined that in the presence of extreme stress-producing conditions, he was 73 % likely
to misjudge the magnitude of
any given threat to his personal
safety. Furthermore, in spite of
his generally excellent athletic
ability, Lucas was found to have
deficient spatial acuity for vertical distances, which resulted in a
minor back injury during his
parachute training. Private Lucas
completed his six-month course
in Unconventional Warfare and
Tactics, and received his corporal's rank, but was ultimately
denied promotion to the Airborne
Rangers on medical grounds.
Distraughtandsuicidal.Lucas
wrote an emotional letter to
Army titular head Gen. Arthur
Lexington, in which he plead his
case, citing his own "extreme
determination and profound
dedication to the Army" as traits
being compensatory for what he
described as "superficial and
largely irrelevant human flaws."
Lucas' appeal was reviewed by
the Chief Personnel Officer at
the Pentagon, who forwarded his
recommendations to the head of
Psychological Testing and
Evaluation in Bethesda, Maryland. In late 1954, Willy Lucas
was contacted at his home in
Kansas City, and offered the
chance to return to active duty.
In return for wiping the medical
discharge from his record and
reinstating full military benefits,
he would agree to be stationed at
the U.S. Army Psychological
Warfare Center in Maryland, and
would submit to a nine-month
cycle of testing "for the purpose
of obtainingpractical knowledge
about the effects of modified
dietary parameters on combat
reaction times." Corporal Lucas
enthusiastically accepted the
offer, and moved to his new post
in January of 1955, whereupon
he received the rank of Sergeant
First Class.
While his initial briefing described the research as involving "the administration of certain vitamins and synthetic die-
\   Shoec, I 3 e,Kt\\  2.Q I
tary compounds," what Lucas
actually received over a half-
year period was regular massive
doses of a substance designated
'BZ-13'. BZ-13wasoneoffour
psychotropic mescaline derivatives developed by the Eli Whitney Co. for the Dept. of Defense
during the Korean conflict. It
had originally been intended for
use in assisting the rehabilitation of formers POWs subjected
to Chinese brainwashing techniques. When the brainwashing
scare was revealed to be largely
misdirected, data on BZ-13 and
its relatives, as well as the last
remaining quantities of the drug
were turned over to G-2 (now
the Military Intelligence
Agency) for storage or disposal.
This information was eventually brought to the attention of
Dr. Douglas Armbruster, who
had been conducting research
on fluoridation for the Rand
Corporation. Armbruster approached the Army with a proposal to conduct tests on select
personnel using BZ-13, to determine its usefulness in behavior
modification.
Sergeant Lucas was in the first
group of experimental subjects;
consequently, the dosage he
received was quite possibly not
proportionate to the desired effect.  Within weeks of the first
administration, he had to be
forcibly restrained during periodic seizures and hallucinatory
episodes, atone point being tran-
quilized  and  placed  in   a
straightjacket after chasing a
nurse around the commissary
with a knife and a fork.  It is
unclear why, at this point, the
sergeant was not removed from
the test group and allowed to
recover from the effects of BZ-
13. However, it is the case that
after a twelve day period of grace
in solitary confinement Lucas
was placed back on regular,
albeit smaller, dosages of the
drug.    His mental condition
continued to deteriorate during
the next five months of evaluation. At times, regular intelligence tests would indicate a
remarkable level of intellect,
capable of tackling abstract
concepts and synthesizing complex pieces of information creatively.  Often, though, his test
results clearly described dysfunctional intuitive faculties and
an inability to distinguish between reality and fantasy.
In the summer of 1955, the re
search group at Bethesda was
preparing to commence a second stage in the treatment schedule when Dr. Armbruster was
killed in a freak climbing accident, and the Army ordered a
standard review of the BZ-13
project. At some point, word of
the research reached a high level
officer of the Veterans' Administration and a formal complaint
was lodged with the Defense
Department which in turn ordered a halt to the testing. Of the
thirty original test subjects,
roughly half were hospitalized
for "stress-related symptoms,"
and the rest were either reassigned to regular posts or discharged from military service.
Sergeant Lucas was sent first to
the Dependency Clinic at the
University of Delaware Medical
School, and then to the VA
Hospital in Kansas City. He
remained in a special-care ward
for almost two years, receiving
thorazineandelectro-convulsive
therapy, as it was described in
his doctor's report, "to alleviate
recurring schizoid and delusory
phases that accompany the patients' prolonged periods of
withdrawal and psychosis."
Eventually Willy Lucas' profile
appeared on the desk of the VA
progress committee, which
elected to place him on the out-
patientlist, since at the time there
was considerable demand for
hospital space and Lucas was
deemed to have recovered sufficiently to be reintroduced into
civilian life.
Supported by his military pension, and lent some semblance
of a normal condition by regular
medication, Lucas was able to
survive his first months outside
of the hospital. On the advice of
his psychiatrist, he left Kansas
City for the southwestern US in
November of 1957, to rest and
recuperate. While staying in
Albuquerque, New Mexico he
encountered a small group of
writers and artists; self-styled
"beatniks" who were travelling
the continental US A in the midst
of some loosely-defined creative quest. This group regularly
employed mind-altering substances such as hashish, marijuana and when available, heroin. During the course of his
three weeks in Albuquerque,
Lucas became increasingly involved in this group's activities
until the end of that month when
the police reportedly took him
into custody for illegal possession of dynamite. He was held
under suspicion of planning a
robbery of a major city bank, for
the purposes of obtaining funds
for the purchase of narcotics
across the border. Eventually all
charges except possession were
dropped due to lack of evidence.
Willy Lucas served six months
of hard labor at the county jail
before being paroled, at which
time he immediately fled from
Albuquerque to the small desert
town of Chimeguas, near the
Sonora border.
While in hiding in Chimeguas
from the State Police, Lucas
began to suffer recurring flashback episodes, seemingly related
to his experiences under BZ-13,
and exacerbated by frequent
experimentation with psilocybin
and the peyote plant. In the
midst of a particularly intense
hallucination, he sought assistance from a friend at the nearby
Navaho Reservation; an alleged
"shaman" who offered to help
Lucas overcome his mania
through traditional ritualistic
magic. In the four day fasting
period that ensued, sitting atop a
remote mesa, Lucas underwent
a catastrophic shift in his perceptual framework, centering
around an atavistic fixation with
certain dream imagery and the
surfacing of previously suppressed neurosis. Eventually
malnutrition and fatigue caused
the long-term neurological effects of his chemical abuse to
became manifest, resulting in the
failure of some midbrain functions. Lucas lost his capacity to
speak, although he was still able
to process verbal communication and language. The connections between the higher cerebrum and the limbic system
began to atrophy at an accelerated rate, triggering a radical
disparity between his ability to
formulate abstract concepts, and
his ability to act on them. Indeed, he was reduced to acting
on decisions only where they
concerned satisfying his basic
bodily needs for food, water,
sleep, etc.
In the final stage of Willy
Lucas' degeneration, the pre-
dominanthallucinatory imagery
overwhelmed his subjective
reality, and he was convinced of
his own physical transformation.
He appropriated the identity of a
totemistic symbol that inhabited
his dream-world, that of a coyote. Reflexively, the sole motivating focus of his modified
reality became a the pursuit of a
mythical desert bird, which
seemed topossess fantastic abilities in complete violation of logic
orphysicallaw. It is still unclear
how Willy Lucas survived the
remaining years of his life in the
desert. On the numerous occasions when he was brought into
various hospitals by police, he
was always suffering from advanced malnutrition and multiple injuries; but as soon as he
was able, Willy would always
return to the desert, in mad pursuit of his non-existent road
runner. Page Three
RABIES
Version 5.05   •   November 20,1991   The Four Thirty-Two
Letters to the editor should be sent to Chem 160, the
Deans's Office, or med to keep chicken blood off the    /\|}OUt tflG FOfflflSt 01131108
carpet during XMAS dinner.
7 November 1991
Patrick Redding
The 432
The Science Undergraduate Society
Faculty of Science
University of British Columbia
Dear Mr. Redding:
I would like to accept your offer of space to respond to two
articles in the October 23, 1991 issue of your newspaper. The articles that concerned me were "How to Neuter Your Cat At Home"
and "IGOR DEAD."
On the phone, you said that your intent in writing these articles was to satirize the callous attitude towards animals among
science undergraduate students1. You explained to me that this
was "black humour2."
I would hope that the university would be an environment which
encourages students to determine how theiy might best contribute
to society. What makes a university such a valuable place is that
it provides space for intelligent and articulate young people to
examine and share their ideas and values with others.
For many, this is a first exposure to new values, attitudes and
ideas. Without the pressures of the outside world, students are
free to examine how they chose to r€:lat€: to other humans, to the
planet, and to the other inhabitants of the planet. At this
point, they can reevaluate their values, or they can accept a set
of values with which they are familiar. Later in life, it is
often more difficult to examine and change values.
My feeling is that undergraduate students have a callous attitude about laboratory animals because they have to. They have to
be callous or else face what it is that they are doing. I don't
think that they feel good about killing or inflicting pain on an
animal that is obviously aware of pain for no reason other than
to get a good grade or complete a project.
As an undergraduate magazine you can continue to perpetuate, in
editorial content and humour, callous uncaring attitudes that diminish not only the value of your experimental subjects but your
own value as well. If you hope to be innovative, if you hope to
set trends rather than following them, start now by presenting
well-reasoned arguments. Rather than perpetuating existing prejudices, examine the ethics and morality of what you are doing now
and what you plan to do in the future.
It is certainly your perogative to carefully examine any issue
and choose a point of view or philosophy with which you agree. I
would hope that as scientifically-inclined students that you
would choose to examine all the information about the issue. All
too often, we grow up being presented with only one side of an
issue by our parents3, then head off to university to be presented with only one more facet of the issue. It is this type of
fragmented learning that allows prejudices to be perpetuated and
interferes with acquiring a real education.
As a student publication you have an obligation to inform and
educate your readers. Certainly humour has its place in this educational process. But humour is a double-edged sword as I'm sure
you've learned4. It can focus our attention on injustice or it
can contribute to the injustice. In the case of the articles
cited, I think that they do more to encourage inhumane, unconscionable behaviour than they do to discourage it5.
In the context of an organization at the University of British
Columbia, I think it is important to rerr.ember that your school
uses to death some 50 000 animals a year - an average of some 5
or 6 animals per hour every hour of the year6. So it would take
extraordinary courage to examine this process and decide that it
is not moral or acceptable to you.
Sincerely,
Bob Chorush
Animal-Free Trade
My Reply:
1. Yeah, I actually did say that,
didn't I. Well, it sounded good
at the time, and I couldn't remember what the real reason
was anyway.
2. I believe the proper term is
"Humour of Colour."
3. Well I can assure you that
when it came to the issue of cat
castration, my parents expressed
sharply different views on Ihe
subject. My mom always swore
by short-handled rose pruners,
whereas my dad prefers viiri-
able-locking wire cutters.
4. Double-edged sword? Actually, I prefer the analogy of
humor as kind of a combination
egg-beater/toilet brush, if you
catch my meaning.
5. Jesus, you're right. How
many millipedes have died already? Oh, the humanity.
6. Hey let's be completely fair;
I'm sure that our animal researchers are way more efficient than
you make it sound. They
wouldn't off five or six an hour
when they can hose a couple
hundred of them a day all at
once. Geez, get it right.
By now you've probably noticed that you are holding twelve
pagesof 432 instead of the usual
eight. If you are particularly
insightful, then you may have
figured out that this will be the
last regular issue of the term,
heralding the close of the 1991
run, and the beginning of a
lengthy break for me and Ryan
and all the other insomniacs
(that's not really accurate. Ryan
isn't stupid enough to lose sleep
over this rag).
The reason for the twelve pages
is kind of cheap. We actually
could have gone to twelve pages
far earlier than we did, but we
were constrained by the excru
ciatingly slow pace of working
on the old Mac SE "Lucifer."
Since this was the last issue, and
we could shove the release date
ahead a couple days, we thought
it would be worth the effort to
give you some extra exam procrastination material.
The good news is the 432 is
upgrading its production facilities with a new Mac LC, and
Ryan's new Mac 2si. Things
should become more efficient,
and we hope to bring twelve
pages to you every issue, twice
a month next term. The next
regular issue should be waiting
for you in early January. We
welcome your suggestions...
The 432™
1991 The Science Undergrad Society
Version 5.05
November 5,1991
Editor
Patrick Redding
Layout
Ryan McCuaig
Patrick Red ding
Writers
Heidi Andersen
Morgan Burke
Chuck  Cho
Jaret Clay
Aaron Drake
David Falk
Clement Fung
Mike Hamilton
Jerry Kuch
Ryan McCuaig
Derek Miller
Patrick Redding
Jeremy Reimer
H arr y Tic
Giovanna Vassone
David Way
Roger Watts
Illustrators
Mike Ewert
Ryan McCuaig
Patrick Redding
DavidSovka
Roger Watts
Photography
Peter Siempelkamp
Printing
CollegePrinters Ltd.
Vancouver,  be
Distribution
The Armies of
The Night,  Inc. Page Four
The Four Thirty-Two    Version 5.05   •   November 20,1991
'GEER AVERSION THERAPY
Heidi
Lf you can show me a non-
alchoholic, non-conforming, in-
shape, good-looking male Engineer who behaves like an adult,
I will slit my throat. Obviously,
I will never have to commit suicide in this manner. Instead, I
wish to take it upon myself to
quell any feminist outrage about
the Engineers' patch printed in
the last issue of the 432. If you
are an adult female who has no
desire to insult your own dignity, do not even sink low enough
to be insulted by the paltry, conformist garbage the Engineers
spew out as their personal "We're
cool" propaganda. How can
anyone be insulted when they
simply consider the source?
Instead, prepare in advance to
avoid Engineer attention. I call
it:
Engineer Aversion
Therapy
First of all, take into consideration that Engineers like to
play drinking games and that
they enjoy other tasteless rituals. Sincethey behave likedogs,
treat them like dogs: never show
fear and don'tlet them sniff your
crotch!
Line One of defense:
This line of defense simply
defines how far you must go to
avoid a particular Engineer.
Option 1:
As the Engineer approaches,
pick your nose and flick 'it' at
him. Warning: SomeEngineers
may take this as a come-on.
Option 2:
Leave the booger on your
finger and offer the subject a
stale Physsoc donut. Inevitably
Andersen
the 'Geer will not be able to
resist the sugary grease, and he
will eat the booger.
Line Two:
The battle has begun.
Option 1:
Stick your finger down your
throat and puke on his cheap
shoes.
Option 2:
Conspicuously use a maxi-
pad for a bookmark. At an opportune moment, bring out the
pad to blow yournose into. Then
casually replace the pad in the
book, and mention how much
you will need it tomorrow.
Line Three: (For that attention that just won't stop)
Start a rumour about yourself,
to the effect that when you have
sex you lose all bowel control. If
the Engineer of your nightmares
suggests that you wear Depends™ , lethim know thatyou'd
insist on being on top so that
nothing would get squished out
the sides. That should ruin his
libido for at least a month (the
part about the woman being on
top, not the loss of bowel control).
Line Four: [Editor's Note:
I'm sorry—I'm never in favorof
censorship—but this "measure,"
as described in the original text
of this article, is just too extreme
for the 432 to print]
This exceptionally
sharp-tongued person
seems intent on getting
me into yet more
trouble. But then it's
nothing I didn' t ask for.
On The Inevitability of
Chores Never Being Done
.History repeats itself. I know
this now for a fact. Last year, I
was doing the exact same thing I
am doing now. Last year, I was
staring warily into my bedroom
trying to remember where the
bed was located. This year I am
doing the same thing and very
little has changed. The only thing
different is the orientation of the
Two Hostile Dirty Laundry Piles.
Originally, I began with one
Dirty Laundry Pile, but when it
became to big for the floor to
support, I had to split it into two
piles of equal size. The obvious
happened. Each pile became
jealous of the other and hostilities commenced. My bedroom
is in a state of war, with these
two laundry piles sending threatening diplomatic messages back
and forth. Eventually, a border
incident will occur, and. one
Hostile Dirty Laundry Pile will
take aggressive action. From
deep in its bowels, it will shoot
out a volley of dirty underwear
at its enemy.
I can't sleep with all this
happening.
I can't intervene either; if I
approach either laundry pile, it
growls very menacingly. I can
almost see it arming a wet towel
for immediate defensive maneuvers. My Clean Laundry Pile
sits in the corner and whimpers,
knowing that it's only a matter
of time before it is absorbed by
the Hostile Dirty Laundry Piles.
My dog, Oppie, is smarter than
I am. She will no longer venture
into my bedroom. Not after last
week. Hostile Dirty Laundry
Piles look upon dogs as appetizers. Lately, Oppie has been trying
to trick the cats into wandering
into my bedroom. As if the cats
are about to fall for this. Instead,
they sit on my Laser Printer, and
conspire on ways to sabotage
the dog. At uncertain intervals
they vomit.
The cats have made large territorial gains in the basement,
and the dog will no longer venture down there. Both cats are
Angry
Duck
under the impression that the
litter box is reserved for guests,
and they have booby-trapped the
basement floor. Washing laundry down there is like playing
Twister. The hazard of using the
washer is incentive for me to
allow the Dirty Hostile Laundry
Piles to duke it out, one of them
eventually attaining hegemony.
Thus the cats own the basement.
Tim the Roommate, on the
other hand, has consolidated his
grip on the Bathroom, by loudly
occupying it for very long periods of time. He further deters us
from entering his sovereign
realm by culturing penicillin in
the toilet basin. This is to say
nothing of the green radioactive
fungus that has covered the bathtub. Instead of using the bathroom, I walk to Chevron.
Caireen the Roommate is not
satisfied with keeping her bedroom as her domain. She wants
to conquer the entire house. To
that end, she has quiedy let the
kitchen evolve. She is very close
to proving the theory of Spontaneous Generation in the lower
shelf of the refrigerator, most
recently with Bean Sprouts. In
the far left corner, the year-old
jar of mayonnaise has organized
a battalion of old radishes and
carrots, and has set up a strong
defensive position. Far above,
on the top shelf, the milk that
was Best Before 1973 is still
evolving a brain, but eventually
civil war will reign.
Caireen knows that we are
aware of the latest developments
in the refrigerator, and to stop us
from commencing an initial
strike, she has stacked six thousand empty Kitty Litter bags on
top of the fridge to act as a deterrent. As well, she has round-the-
clock surveillance cameras in
the kitchen, hidden under the
dirty dishes.
One would think that the living room is ano-man's land, and
in a way, that's right. Oppie has
staked out her territory, and uses
lethal gas tactics to defend it. If
you dare to wander into the living room and sit on the couch
she plods up beside you and sits
at your feet. Eventually, she
emits an aroma that would dissolve glass. I only wish I could
lure my Hostile Dirty Laundry
Piles out of my bedroom to watch
L.A. Law.
This entire situation was precipitated by a dramatic shift in
the balanceof power. Originally,
Caireen would do my laundry
and I would wash her dishes. We
have ended that uneasy truce,
without really considering the
consequences of our actions.
Now, my laundry has sensed my
fear and has taken over the bedroom. Caireen's dishes, on the
other hand, have taken advantage of their new freedom by
holding late-night Wild Dirty
Dish Orgies, and have multiplied like rabbits.
My house is in a state of siege.
What with the ever-present threat
that the Hostile Dirty Laundry
Piles might join forces and
smother me late at night, and the
rumors that the Mayonnaise Jar
in the refrigerator may have
discovered the nuclear option,
there is only one thing left for me
to do. I am leaving. I am going
up North, to go hunting. Maybe
by the time I get back, the chores
will be done.
I have entertained the idea of
bringing my rifle back down to
Vancouver and ending the Hostile Laundry Pile Crisis once and
for all, but there is a distinct
possibility that they might
wrestle it free from me. Version 5.05   •   November 20,1991   The Four Thirty-Two
Page   Five
Derek
"\ f
Miller
 Dik Miller: Arts Faculty Advisor
JL he Personnel Office's discovery that I was not in fact
Dregswotham St. Tibbins
Greenaway Rothschild Miller,
former chief advisor at Oxford
University, but Dik Miller, ex-
UBC employee and ex-private
eye, caused much consternation.
So far the story of how I had
come for advising on what sort
of program I should undertake
as a student, and then been shown
to a faculty advisor's office,
where I had worked for two
months, had been told to at least
six different people, none of
whom believed me.
"So," the latest one of them, a
bearded man in his mid-fifties,
was saying, "you're trying to tell
me that you just walked in, were
told you got the job, and started
to work?"
"Yup," I replied.
"Didn't it seem a bit strange,
since you hadn't applied?"
I furrowed my brow. "It. did
seem a bit odd, yes. But I was
delighted at how friendly people
were."
"Have you ever had any experience with advising people on
academic matters?"
I smiled. "I have now."
He stared at me furiously.
"Look, Mr. Miller, I couldproba-
bly have you arrested for fraud
for this."
"Arrested on the charge of
impersonating a faculty advisor.
How unusual. I didn't realize
that was a crime."
The man growled slightly.
"But if you get out of here right
now, pack up the things in the
office you occupied, and leave, I
won't take any further action."
"That's your final offer?" I
asked.
"That is my final offer. Now
get out."
I stood up and turned to go. I
paused.  "Oh yes, one more
thing."
"What?" he asked, exasperated.
"Do I still get paid?"
He said nothing.
"I'll assume that's a no," I
said, then extended my hand!.
Reluctantly, she reached out
and shook it.
I had remembered my Dik
Miller™ joy buzzer this time.
The bruise on my right cheek
was still swelling as I gathered
my affairs in the faculty advisor's office. It was a shame really; the students really seemed
to like me. As I walked with a
box past the picketers holding
"Good Riddance" and "Advisor
Schmizor" signs, heading for my
rental car, I mused that had possibly been fired from more University jobs than anyone in history. This was, however, a first
for me: I was being fired from a
job I had never been hired for in
the first place.
I put the box (full of Dik
Miller™ things) in the trunk jmd
walked back to the office.
Through the door I heard ihe
phone ringing. I turned the knob,
but nothing happened. I pushed
a little harder. Still nothing. I
backed up and took a ran at it.
You guessed it. The door
opened and I went flying into the
far bookshelf.
"Ow," I said.
"Sorry," said the Head Faculty Advisor. "I was just in here
packing up some of your stuff
for you."
"Thanks," I winced, holding
my nose.
"Here's the phone," she held
out the receiver.
"Uh, thanks." I held it to my
ear. "Dik Miller, Arts Fac— I
mean, Dik Miller here."
The voice at the other end was
frantic. "I'm so glad I reached
you. I heard you were leaving
campus."
"I was thinking of heading to
Yugoslavia for a little R&R."
"R&R in Yugoslavia?"
"Rockets and rubble."
"Uh...yeah." The voice was
uncertain. "Anyway, we need
your help."
"Who are'we?'" I asked.
"I'm calling from the Faculty
of Applied Science office."
"And what do you want?"
"I'm not sure how to put this,
but...um..."
I was getting impatient.
"What? What? Spit it out!"
"Basically, we've been getting some really bad press because our Engineering students
aren't doing what we tell them,
and we need an...er..."
"A what?"
"An...uh...enforcer."
"An enforcer? Why didn'tyou
say so? I'll take it!"
"Really? That's wonderful,
Mr. Miller. How soon can you
start?"
I looked at my watch. "How's
twenty minutes sound?"
"Uh...great. Come on down."
I rushed right out to the car,
brushing picketers out of my
way, and did a swift bootlegger
180 on Main Mall, screeching
off to wards the mid-campus area.
Only then did realized that I had
no idea where I was headed.
Forty-five minutes later, having spent the best part of that
time driving the wrong way
down one-way streets, on sidewalks, and through bushes, I
walked into the Applied Science
office, brushing some leaves
from my lapels.
"Dik Miller, campus correctness enforcer, at your service," I
said as I reached the desk.
"Ah yes, Mr. Miller, please go
to the office just down the hall."
"Thanks."
"So," I was saying, "you're
trying to tell me that some hosed
student urinated on a car and
then threw a water balloon at a
faculty member, and you want
me to do something about it?"
"Yes, exactly," said the
woman sitting across the desk
from me.
"And you're saying that it was
an example of blatant misogyny?"
"Well.thefacultymemberwas
female."
"And it's obviously the result
of entrenched, systematic hatred
of women by Engineering students?"
"Of course. Everyone knows
that. It makes us look bad."
"But if that guy had been a
Physics student, no one would
claim that physicists were systematically misogynist!"
"Mr. Miller," she said
brusquely, "you are here simply
to do as we ask, not to get into
niggly-wiggly little philosophical debates."
"But...ah..." I was going to go
on, but thought better of it.
"Right. I'm off then."
"Good luck, Miller."
As I made
my way
outside, I
pondered
my course
of action. I
had a job
now. I was
beginning
to realized
that I didn't
have to like
it.
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Things That Make
You Go "hnh?"
Which is larger?
The quantity of fat used
by every McDonald's in
the state of California to
make french fries during
the course of a typical
week;
or
The quantity of fat lipo-
suctioned in the state of
California during the
course of that same
week?
FRUIT 0FTHE LOOM Page Six
The Four Thirty-Two     Version 5.05    •    November 20,1991
David Falk
Rebuttal Strikes Back
When I wrote my rebuttal to
Mr. Burke, I had hoped for a
debate with some decorum.
Never once did I slander him,
and I gave him every benefit of
thedoubt. Yet, he insists on mud-
slinging. If he wants to fight
dirty, so be it.
1. He brought up the issue of
allopolyploidy in plants. It is true
that these by definition constitute species apart from their
parents. However, it is debatable whether or not they are
"new" species in the macroevo-
lutionary sense. There are no
new alleles ever formed which
macroevolution demands. If no
new alleles are ever formed, then
this trick has little evolutionary
significance. Besides, Creationists only disagree with macroevolution, not microevolution.
2. If new species are invented,
who cares? Creationism leaves
room for such ideas. However, it
leaves no room for the origin of
all the species to have come from
evolutionary means. Hence, your
attempt to point out evolution in
the present is nothing but a non
sequitur. Finally, the "theory"
of evolution can never be a fact
because it is a historical reconstruction of pre-history.
3. Industrial melanism is not
proof of evolution. No new alleles were formed. All that happened was an allele redistribution. In essence, it proved natural selection. By the way, Creationists also accept natural selection.
4. You've confused the
principle of evolution with the
theory of evolution. The principle says that systems are in a
state of evolving. The "theory"
of evolution says that naturally-
derived species came from
lower, less complex species. It's
the theory, and the principle of
macroevolution, that is incorrect. Also, I don't equate evolution with speciation. I never
said they were the same thing.
However, evolution ultimately
manifests itself as speciation.
5. This concerns the article
you cited, the Kilias and
Alahiotis study. You didn't read
the article, did you? You spouted
the garbage, "He will find another example [of a new species] in Kilias and Alahiotus..."
No new species were produced;
nor were any claimed. And the
researchers concluded the partial infertility was not caused by
genetic deviation, but by either
organelle distribution or an en-
doparasite. Burke, you drew a
bad conclusion. It seems it is
you who has just earned his PhD
in the pseudoscience of your
choice.
6. Your examples supporting
other systems of evolution are
bogus. All your examples must
have some a priori intelligence
in order to evolve. Your assembly line won't evolve without
engineers. Nor will your pies.
You don't happen to think that
God made things evolve, do you?
7. "Easily identifiable living
organisms were certainly preceded by an extensive period of
chemical evolution..." That's
an assumption with no basis in
fact. "Certain bacteria...are
capable of producing proteins
using enzymes only..." Sowhere
did the enzymes come from? I'll
tell you: from nucleic acids.
This is the second non sequitur.
Hey, you're on a roll.
8. "Mr. Falk's suggestion
that...proto-cells must have had
all the same bells and whistles
that modern cells have..."
Wrong! What I said is that without those minimum requirements
the cell will not live. "However,
the boundary between life and
non-life is not so clearly defined..." Mr. Burke, your lack of
knowledge of simple biology is
frightening. The difference between the simplest life and the
most complex non-life is profound (Michael Denton, Evolution: A Theory in Crisis. 1985,
pp249-250).
9. Concerning my objection
using the Second Law of Thermodynamics. If my objection
doesn't make sense, it shouldbe
of little effort to refute it. But,
the truth is that does make sense
(E. Brian Smith, Basic Chemical Thermodynamics. 1982, p
27). I'm not going to let you get
away with evading the question.
Answer it, Burke!
Mr. Burke, you challenge my
arguments, but they are still intact. You accused me of misinterpreting and misquoting, yet
you failed to produce an example
and distorted what I said. You
have committed fallacy after
fallacy. You have altered data.
And, I have caught you in the act
of deception (see 5). . Weasel
your way out of that.
Now, I will reply to Devan
Fauste's rebuttal. Ifyouwantto
use that definition of a theory,
that's fine with me. However,
your definition elevates both
evolution and creationism to a
theory. The Theory of Creation,
sounds good to me. You wanted
a reference saying that some
scientists believe in spontaneous collision of atoms forming
cells: John Horgan, "In the
Beginning...". Scientific American. 264 (2): pi 18. For the
redshift problem, I refer you to
Anthony Peratt, "Not With a
Bang". Sciences. 30 (1): pp24-
32. Finally, if you found nothing of substance in my article, I
suggest you read it.
Before I conlcude, I want to
give another reason for not accepting evolution. In the fossil
column we find that organisms
suddenly appear, live for a few
million years, then disappear. If
evolution is true (species evolved
from one form to another) then
we should find lots of transitional forms between the species. In fact, we don't find any.
Is the fossil record incomplete?
No, conservative estimates say
that the record is 75% complete.
So, scientists came up with punctuated equilibrium (species
evolved quickly leaving no transitional forms). Whataboutlarge
transitions like simple cells to
the various phyla, amphibia to
reptiles, reptiles to birds,
"shrews" to whales, and early
land dinosaurs to icthyosaurus?
We should find transitional
forms between these large jumps.
But we don't. Thus, biological
macroevolution never happened
(Denton pp 186-195).
And since cute quotes are in
vogue, bite into this one. "He
who believes that some ancient
form was transformed
suddenly...will further be compelled to believe that many structures beautifully adapted to all
the other parts of the same creature and to the surrounding conditions, have been suddenly
produced...To admit this, as it
seems to me, is to enter the realm
of miracle, and to leave those of
Science."—Charles Darwin.
Pseudoscience
Dear Santa,
Get your hands out of that bag of corn chips, and listen up! I just want to tell you how much you
mean to me and several million other children from around the world. That is, I want you to know
how much you represent DISILLUSIONMENT.
For many years, your slave-elf-operated propaganda keeps telling me that you will give presents
and candy to all the children who behave themselves. Well, where the hell have you been all these
years? I'm sick and tired of waiting for you. In fact, I don't think you even exist.
What children really need to know is reality. Not you and other fairy tales. Children need to
know that at Christmas time, x number of people still get murdered, x number of people still get
raped, x number of people are still on the streets, x number of people still are homeless, x number of
people are still lonely...
You are a child pornographer...
You are a briber...don't you know that to a child, there is value in being naughty (and not nice) ?
Do you actually get around to giving any candy canes away? Or do you and your wife indulge
before the children even get a chance?
Santa, I don't mean to piss on the snow that laces your home, but I must tell you that children
don't need you. Do you even have presents in that big white sac of yours? Or does the sac actually
contain a sleigh-ride's supply of assorted finger food? Why don't you just shove that sac where the
reindeer don't fly.
Thank you for considering this request,
Jack Dobbs
Morgan
Burke
In the September 9th Vancouver Sun, I noticed an intriguing
article about a computer program called Tierra. In the words
of Malcom W. Brown (NY
Times):
"A "creature" consisting only
of ones and zeros has emerged
from its computer womb and
caused a scientific sensation:
without human guidance it reproduces, undergoes spontaneous genetic changes, passes them
to offspring, and evolves new
species whose interactions
mimic those of real biological
evolution and ecology."
Cool, I thought, and clipped
the article for future reference.
Two weeks ago while roaming around UseNet, the international computer bulletin board
(for those of you who aren't
satisfied debating with morons
from the Lower Mainland only),
I ran across an announcement of
the latest version of Tierra. The
author (Dr. Tom Ray of the
University of Delaware) was
offering the source code, documentation, and published results
to anyone via anonymous ftp.
Ultra-megadeath-cool, I thought,
quickly connecting to the tierra
server and downloading all the
code.
It compiled and ran without a
hitch, and appears to be every bit
as amazing as the academic hype
suggests.
Here is the ultra-short explanation of how it works: a small
program called a digital organism is inserted into the memory
of a virtual computer. The organism is built out of machine
code, and all it does is allocate
additional memory, copy itself
into this memory, and start the
copy running. In other words, it
reproduces itself. Soon you have
a population of these organisms,
all merrily replicating themselves. Meanwhile, however,
the computer's operating system gets nasty, and randomly
flips bits in memory. The effect
is to mutate the digital organisms in unforeseeable ways.
Sometimes the mutations destroy
their algorithms, and their error
registers fill up. The operating
system spots this, kills the defective organisms, and frees their
memory up for the others. At
other times, the mutations will
only alter the algorithms, and
the organisms can carry on reproducing, albeit in slightly different ways.
Completely unbidden, evolution grabs hold of the system,
and propels it along a wild
course. Among theobservations:
parasites that borrow other organisms' copy algorithms, organisms with resistance to parasites, parasites that can defeat
these resistances, "social" organisms that can only reproduce in
groups, predator-prey population
cycles, extinctions, and perhaps
most startling of all (even to us
died-in-the-wool Darwinists):
the evolution of complexity and
optimization.
The original "ancestral" organism introduced by Ray uses
a straightforward 80 instruction
algorithm to copy itself. Within
a short time (by biological standards), evolution had produced
a 22 instruction organism that
wasdoing exactly the same thing,
although much more efficiently,
of course. Ray also found an
organism that had evolved an
intricate adaptation called "unrolling the loop." Despite the
complexity of its algorithm's
design, the creature only took up
36 instructions. In the words of
Ray:
"This is a classic example of
intricate design in evolution. One
wonders how it could have arisen
through random bit flips, as every
component of the code must be
in place in order for the algorithm to function. Yet the code
includes a classic mix of apparent intelligent design, and the
chaotic hand of evolution. The
optimization technique is a very
clever one invented by humans,
yet it is implemented in a mixed
up but functional style that no
human would use (unless perhaps very intoxicated)."
If these digital organisms are
analogous to biological ones,
then they resemble pre-cellular
RNA-life more than anything
else. Ray in working on alternative genetic codes to explore
diploid life forms and sexual
selection. Once complete, the
sources for these programs will
also be made available to the
public.
According to Ray, this work
not only has far reaching consequences for studying principles
of evolutionary biology and
ecology, but also has potential
commercial applications for
programming massively parallel computers. In other words,
the computers would write their
own programs, developing and
optimizing them using evolutionary techniques. As Charles
Darwin foresaw over a century
ago, the forces of chance can
sometimes make a better designer than the forces of reason.
Sound too amazing to be true?
Try it yourself. The source code
is available free of charge to
anyone with access to the Inter-
Net. Anonymous ftp to
tierra.slhs.udel.edu (use your IP
e-mail address as a password),
and change your directory to /
tierra. Grab all the files there
(documentation and published
results are included).
Morgan likes to grow
AIs in a vat Version 5.05   •   November 20,1991   The Four Thirty-Two
Harry Tic
Life! You Call This Living?
My philosophy is simple: the
Universe is too screwed up to
have occured by chance—there
must be a diving incompetence
guiding it. It the last issue, a
quick review of physics, astronomy and mathematics showed
the Universe to be shoddily
made, ill-conceived, and largely
unfinished. God's mistakes are
not restricted to the higher sciences however, for as we shall
see, He fares litde better with
His most celebrated creation:
life.      •
The key to life is found in the
DNA, the mysterious helical
strands that contain the code of
creation. Having seen how laizy
God was in creating the rest of
the Universe, it comes as no
surprise that the basic building
blocks of life, the nucleic acids,
are the same for all creatures on
Earth. Your DNA is not substantially different from that of a
whale, a cockroach, a brussel
sprout, or even Don Rickles.
What's worse is the fact that
only ten percent of the information in human DNA is actually
used. In other words, for every
feature, aspect and function of
the body, there are nine others
that God never got around to
giving us. Think of the possibilities! We could have had ESP,
heat-ray vision, power locks, bio-
luminescence, jet-propulsion,
Swiss army genitals, crushed ice
dispensers, a built in spell-
checker, and Dolby surround
sound, to name but a few.
Indeed, there are coundess
ways that life could have been
improved. For example, God
could surely have made better
use of velcro. Mankind uses
velcro everywhere. It has become ubiquitous; wherever one
thing must be attached to an
other thing, you will find velcro.
Do you know the only use God
could find for it? To attach burrs
to the sides of sheep! Kangaroos
could have used it to close their
pouches, primates to carry their
young, and well, lots of other
stuff. But no, God used it to
make sheep look stupid, as if
they weren't stupid enough.
Ironically, God has also gone
to a great deal of trouble to make
His own flock look stupid. He
did this by carefully creating life
in such a way so that it looks its
if it had actually evolved over
hundreds of millions of years!
This tookaconsiderableamount
of effort to achieve the modest
task of making creationists look
likemorons. Whydidn'tHejust
attach burrs to them?
I suspect the answer is that
God got lazy again. Rather than
have to think up all the intricate
details for the millions of different species, he probably just programmed some initial conditions
on his Macintosh, specified the
laws of natural selection, and
then played the biggest freaking
game of Life ever imagined.
After fudging a few steps to make
sure that we would evolve in His
image, He then just went and
created everything that was on
the hard-drive. The fossils must
have been the archive copies.
But of all the mistakes God
made in creating life, I can think
of few greater than His design o f
human sexuality. He gave us
this fun thing to do on the week
ends called sex, but then stu
pidly combined it with the way
we make babies. If boinking for
pleasure was separate from the
act of procreation then there
would be no unwanted pregnancies, no abortion, no need for
birth control, and less overpopu
lation. God could have easily
achieved this simply by making
ejaculation a voluntary response
separate and distinct from orgasm. Then during "fun" sex,
there would be no risk of pregnancy, and with far less bodily
fluids being exchanged, the risk
of VD or HIV infection would
be lowered. Also guys could
"go all night", without busting
their nuts.
An even more interesting solution would have been for God
to make everybody homosexual! Then male-female sex
would be a necessary duty (perhaps like jury duty) to keep the
species going, and everything
elsewouldbeafree-for-all. Men
and women would no longer
need each other emotionally, and
so they wouldn't even have to
try to get along. In fact, total
segregation would be possible,
with all the men on one half of
the planet, and the women on the
other. The men would send bulk
shipments of sperm to the women
who would get out the old turkey
basters, and nine months later
ship back all the male babies.
The sexes would have achieved
near perfect equality, and we
could have lived in peace and
harmony, united by brotherhood
on the one hand, sisterhood on
the other, and a large body of
water in between.
So unfortunately for us, God
was not really thinking straight
when He created life. Once again
this supreme bufoon has ripped
us off, and in His lassitude deprived us of our glorious potential. In the next issue, I '11 get off
God's case for a while, and take
a look at organized religion. But
don'tgettoococky.God. I'll be
back.
Page Seven
Roger
Watts
Organized Grime
'Al, call Dr. Ross... tell him that the new vaccine has a
couple of unexpected side effects..."
How to Have Fun in Class
(Lessons in Not Being a
Grownup)
Walk into ihe lecture hall three
minutes after bell. Help door to
close or slam as loudly as possible. Turn babe/stud radar
waaaay up. Stop to chat with at
least one member of the opposite sex on the way to your seat.
At this point, the prof will
make some clever joke concerning your tardiness, ie. "Ahh, so
nice of you to join us today, Mr/
Miss (Insert your name here)".
Reply that you stopped to watch
his car being towed andlosttrack
of time. Ignore anything further
the prof has to say on the matter
and select a seat, based on the
following criteria:
a) as close as possible to the
middle of the room, in order to
make many people stand up and
let you pass;
b) within speaking distance to
the biggest blip on the babe/stud
radar;
c) high enough so that you
have to shout for the prof to hear
you.
Sit down. Introduce yourself
to the aforementioned attractive
person. Strike up lively conversation until he/she tells you to
shut the hell up. If he/she does
not... hey, great! Ask him/her
out at the end of the lecture.
Take out notebook. The first
point that the prof makes, ask a
question about it. He will drone
on for several minutes, further
confusing everyone in the room.
During this time, write clever
responses to graffiti on desk or
read copy of The 432 found
beneath seat. Nod periodically
towards the prof, and occasionally ask him to repeat something; you "couldn't hear the
last sentence". When prof finishes, claim you still don't understand. Repeatentire sequence
until the prof becomes exasperated and tells you to ask about it
after class. Check the clock to
see how much time you killed.
Continue asking similar questions every eight minutes or so
until you fall asleep.
Wake up. Dispose of any accumulated nap-drool in appropriate fashion (see 432, Ver.
5.03). Open can of Coke. Have a
sip, swish, gargle and swallow.
Offer some to your neighbors.
Remove aluminum pull-tab from
can and put it in your mouth.
Shriek, feigning agony. When
the prof asks what is wrong,
claim that the tab came off in
your mouth and hit a filling in
one of your teeth. The prof will
say that that wasn't very amusing. Sit down while thinking
that this criticism comes from a
man who gets his rocks off
hydrolyzing fatty acids.
Notice the prof's idiotic tie.
Stand up, loudly say, "Nice tie,
sir," and sit down.
Use wrist-watch to reflect
small circle of light onto blackboard behind prof. Follow him
around with it, shine it momentarily into his eyes, and target
prominent features with it, i.e.
huge butt, shining bald head. Be
creative.
When a handout comes
around, take thirty copies and
stuff them in your bag so the
people in the back rows don't
get any. Remove wad of chewing gum from mouth and stick it
to the bottom sheet of the stack.
Pass the stack along.
Turn to keener sitting next to
you. Strike up lively conversation and dominate his attention
so that he misses some of what
the prof said. This will unsettle
the average keener more than
you know. Continue until he
freaks out. Act shocked; turn to
other neighbors and spread
creepy rumors concerning his
childhood.
Fly a paper airplane, letting
go a long low whistle as it sails
down. With luck, it will hit
either a keener in the front rows
or the floor in front of the prof.
Repeat until the prof gets annoyed. Repeat some more.
Don't get caught.
Get really annoyed with the
endlessclickety-clickety-clickof
the keeners and their goddam-
ned4-colorpens. Produce paper
napkin and drinking straw obtained at lunch from Subway.
Pop a small corner of the napkin
into your mouth and make a wet
little ball. Open fire on the next
over-zealous little apple-polisher
that makes so much as a peep.
Repeat until you've worked out
all your frustrations or everyone
has a spitball in their ear. Offer
to let your neighbors try.
For the grand finale (or special occasions, i.e. midterm,
friend's birthday): At opportune moment, introduce any
number of live amphibians into
room from backpack. Frogs
work best; small newts are an
acceptable substitute. If amphibians are not available, mice
will get the job done. (They're
just slower and not as gooey.)
Produce camera. Walk calmly
from theensuingmayhem, snapping a couple of pictures and
wondering exactly what the hell
the prof was talking about today.
Slam the door on the way out. Page   Eight
The Four Thirty-Two    Version 5.05   •    November 20,1991
Jerry
Gffiififiiii<£<fi$   Tlh® McCdDialTsasicDm
Kuch
"Uhh, Lamener, nice of you to
come."
"Sid? What's happened to
you? Are you..." Lamenerspoke
awkwardly, struggling todisplay
some form of mock concern for
his colleague.
"Uhh, yes Lamener. Much
has happened. I can see so much
more clearly now. It's as if my
eyes have grown bigger. The
changes. J can feel them happening. They can't be turned
back...I will emerge..."
Lamener's voice trembled
with fear as his former colleague
began to make less and less sense.
"What...what are you talking
about? We must get you to the
lab! There's no telling what this
has done to you! That compound wasn't fit to be exposed
to organic matter for..."
"Uuunnhh, spare meLamener.
Thecompoundhasdoneitswork.
I can tell you what it has done
now..."
Lamener felt his knees beginning to quake. He feared his
bladder control would escape
him, just as it had on the day of
his PhD orals, so many years
before. "What? What do you
mean? Phlegma..."
Suddenly, the figure in the
shadows doubled over gasping.
"Ackk! Uggh! Arrghh!
Uurnihh_gaaadcJuiihj^jnrieyah,
Mah! Mah!" With a sound much
like that a housecat makes after
a brutal kick stimulates it to
cough up a furball, the figure
wretched yellow gruel into the
light.
"Phlegmasteen! What'shap-
peningV
"Duuuhhhh, Lamener—
you' re never going to be the first
author on our papers again."
"What? Sid, if you're threatening me...you fool! Do you
really think that you're going to
survive an exposure to the sauce
prototype, much less blackmail
me with it? Do you...oh, dear
god, no..."
For the first time, the figure
emerged fully from the shadows. Its huge, distorted, roughly
pear-shaped purple form
shambled forward, bluish slime
dripping from it. The creature's
huge round eyes bulged above
its idiotically smiling mouth.
Lamener shook with terror,
his fear wrenching away his
ability to speak. As Lamener
stood, frozen in place by the
horrifying sight of the abonina-
tion before him, the creature
chuckled gendy. Then, its three-
fingered hands slowly reached
toward the scientist.
"Oh, god...what are you?"
Lamener implored, none of his
experience or training having
prepared him for a face to face
encounter with such a ridiculously ugly and stupid affront to
nature.
"Duuhhh..." the creature intoned. "Phlegmasteen is no
more...I am...uh, what's a good
name.J aw...GRIMACE!"
"Grimace?!" Lamener blurted
out in shock, his brain no longer
able to cope with the unearthly
and ludicrous events unfolding
before him. "Grimace? What
the hell kind of name is that!"
"Duuuhhhh.Lamener. This is
my operation now. Kroc and
those fools upstairs will never
know it. Duuuhhhh, I am the
new McMastermind. Duhhh, if
only I could stop saying
'Duhhh.'"
"Phlegmasteen, look! We can
negotiate...you can be first
auth—"
"Duuuhhhh, Ronald, shut up!
You're my servant now..."
"You're mad!"
"Duuhhh, no! I'm Grimace!"
Grimace's stubby, three-fingered hands suddenly seized
Lamener. With a hideous
thwack, the monster proceeded
to bounce Lamener's head
against the vat wall. Lamener
babbled incoherently...partly
pleading, partly cursing the
abhorrent nightmare that
dragged him across the factory
floor.
Grimace's monstrous eyes
fixed on Lamener. Sobbing,
Lamener looked up at his tormentor. Then the beast's smile
widened as it pushed the bat
tered scientist toward a large
opening on a machine bearing
the sign: "Experimental Meat-
Like Substitute Grinder".
Suddenly realizing what was
happening, Lamener began to
howl in terror. "NNOOO!!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEE..."
Grimace laughed maniacally.
"Duhhh, HA! HA! HA! HA!"
Almost breathless with glee, the
pear-shaped fiend hurled
Lamener into the open hatch,
sending the scientist tumbling
down the chute. Automatically
the mechanical leviathan roared
to life. From deep inside came
the hideous sounds of grinding
gears, tearing meat, snapping
bones and bursting organs.
Grimace turned away, overcome
by his demonic cackles, interspersed liberally with his trademark "Duuhhh" sound. Its grisly
task complete, the machine's
gears slowly spun to a halt, as a
thick red soup bubbled up
through the intake hatch.
"Duuuhhhh...now I get
started..." Grimace drooled
frantically.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Twisting
Through
Time
and
Space
A common problem reveals that
hyperspace is
not, in fact, a
myth.
Dr. Winston Wheel-
erblooie sits patiently at his
desk, trying to explain the
vagaries of advanced physics in terms comprehensible to an ignorant journalist. His thinning hair is
combed across the top of
his head to disguise its
minimal existence, and he
plays ceaselessly with a
Staedtler eraser by bouncing it on the formica desktop.
"You see," he begins, after
a little prompting, "it all
started with my laundry."
Wheelerblooie is a man at the
forefront of a newly revitalized
field in the profession of physics: the quest for hyperspace.
Long thought to be the province
of science fiction writers and
UFO enthusiasts, the topic has
recently been shown heavy interest from a fascinated research
community. Wheelerblooie
started it by looking into something we all know.
"My socks," he says, "like
everyoneelse's.disappearinthe
dryer. When I was an undergraduate, I thoughtthatmy roommates were stealing them. Then,
I assumed it was my wife, or that
they would get caught in an
acrylic sweater and fall somewhere where I wouldn't see
them." His eyes light up as he
continues. "Then, on a whim, I
started doing some experiments."
What those experiments revealed would rock the scientific
world. By placing marked numbers of socks with tiny radio
transmitters attached to them into
loads of laundry, Wheelerblooie
was able to track them through
the cycle. What surprised him
was that, sometime in the last
three or four minutes of dryer
operation, some of the socks
actually did disappear. His instruments gave no indication
whatsoever, and he was baffled.
"Some weeks later," he continues, "after searching the city
for the socks, I had given up.
Then, I was talking on the phone
to one of my colleagues, Dr.
Wolfgang  Hortchmar,  who
works at the Max Planck institute in Germany, and I mentioned my little hobby experiments to him. We laughed for a
bit, and then he happened to ask
me, as an aside, what frequency
I had set the transmitters to. I
didn't think much about it at the
time.
"Two days later, he phoned
me again and told me that he'd
found one of my socks. It even
had my name and address written on it. I was at a loss to explain
how the sock got from my house
in Vancouver to a back alley in
Stuttgart, where he tracked it
down."
Like any good scientist,
Wheelerblooie checked out alternative routes for his sock:
accidental transfer to a Federal
Express package, being blown
out the dryer vent into a passing
truck headed for the airport.
None of the options seemed
feasible, and he devised experiments to counteract them. Eventually, he used some of the funds
from a research grant for another study to bring a dryer into
his lab and isolate it in a chamber. The socks still vanished.
Meanwhile, Hortchmar was
passing the word around the
scientific community via unofficial channels. Within a few
months, calls were coming in to
Wheelerblooie's lab from around
the world: India, Australia, Brazil, Israel. His socks were appearing worldwide with no apparent explanation.
"Even before I had formulated any mechanism, I was beginning to notice a pattern in
how the socks were distributed.
It wasn't random, and as I did
more and more experiments -
which sent more and more socks
around - I could see that they
were in the highest concentration 10,000 kilometres away."
Whathehad found, whenplot-
ted on a globe, was that the socks
tended to appear in a band girdling the planet exactly one
quarter of the way around the
world from his lab. This clue
helped Wheelerblooie, Hortchmar, and Drs. Theresa Rashid of
Bombay and Ivan Borisovitch
Khorsomvonikov of Leningrad
formulate a theory on how the
socks got where they were, and
to explain why not all of the
socks have appeared.
"You see, the unique spin
conditions inside a dryer, where
the laundry spins differently
depending on how much it has
dried out, leads to unique conditions. Space warps appear and
disappear in fractionsof ananos-
econd, and our calculations show
that on average the warps should
be about ten centimetres in dia-
mater - about the size of a folded
sock." Wheelerblooie leans forward, getting into the topic. "It
explains why larger pieces of
laundry don't disappear and it
predicts that some of the socks
should appear in orbit and on the
Moon, and some should even
show up on the outer planets."
He smiles "Of course, it will
be a while before we can confirm that. Nevertheless, we hope
to have an instrument package
on the next space shuttle to look
for socks in orbit."
The potential applications of
Wheelerblooie's discovery are
immense in number: hyperspace
travel to other stars, instant mail
delivery, elimination of the need
for cars. Needless to say, the
automobile and airline industries
are very interested in the project,
and rumour has it that GM is
offering to buy any patents that
may arise from the research.
Wheelerblooie is confident that
he will be able to stop such
moves. "No doubt they would
like to put the ideas on the back
burner somewhere so the entire
transportation industry doesn't
become obsolete. I won't let that
happen," he says.
For now, you can rest easy,
knowing that there is at least an
explanation for those socks that
disappear from your dryer and
for all those individual socks
and gloves lying on the ground.
They are not just the trails of
litterbugs; they areaclue to some
of the deepest mysteries of the
Universe.
"Hey, guys! Check out Bob's new particle accelerator!" Version 5.05   •   November 20,1991   The Four Thirty-Two
Page   Nine
David Way
Chuck Cho
How To Suck Money Out of the Grant System
Wanted: Lab Slaves
or, So You Want To Do
Undergraduate Research.,.
A minority of science students
are not completely put off research by the labs they do each
week. If you are one of those
fools— I mean enthusiasts,
NOW is the time to start your
search-and-application process
for jobs next summer as deadlines loom.
Several schemes are available
to sponsor undergraduates in
summer research. The largest
and best known are probably
NSERC (federal) and Challenge
92 (provincial). But there are
many other organizations. Pay
generally varies from poor to
criminal   ($800/rnonth   for
NSERC), but there are a few reasonably well paying jobs out
there, especially if you already
have some experience. Many
supervisors will as to the pay
from their own research grant.
How to find a position:
1. Choose a prof. For most
schemes, you must have a specific project proposed to apply.
Since the funds are from outside
sources, most profs are keen to
have a cheap or free assistant for
the summer when they get to
focus again on their research.
On the other hand, someone else
may also apply to that prof. Don t
delay approaching them since
most profs will go with the first
reasonable student who talks to
them.
2. Check your department
(and related ones) for possible
sources of funds (eg. Chemical
Institute, BC Cancer Research
Foundation, Liver Foundation).
You may even be able to find a
position in a lab overseas. The
International Association for th a
Exchange of Students for Technical  Experience  (IAESTE)
operates in 53 countries, arranging placements usually of 8-12
weeks. See Janet Land, UBC
Co-op Office (822-6271). Deadline is Dec 5. You need a 75%
average to apply.
In order to apply for NSERC,
you must be sponsored by a
professor who already has tine
NSERC research grants, so keep
this in mind when selecting
someone.
You can either choose a supervisor whose field interests you,
or apply to someone whose specific techniques you want t;o
learn.
Research experience is invaluable when applying to another
program of study (eg. grad studies, medicine, etc.) or in trying
to find a job upon graduation.
The deadline for NSERC is
late November in some departments (Dec 10 in Physics, Dec
13 in Biology), so get a move on
if you're interested. If your
department doesn't have
NSERC forms yet, see Graduate
Studies in the Administration
Building. For Biology, go to
room 2362 in the Biosciences
Building.
Challenge 92 is announced
later on, in Feb-March.
If you are financially secure,
you could offer your research
services to a prof free of charge
if you can't find a paid position.
National Research Council application forms are available at
UBC Placement Services (formerly  Employment  Centre)
upstairs in Brock Hall.
Another option is to take a
directed studies elective course
during the school year. No pay,
but you get academic credit.
A third possibility is to do
Work Study in a lab for pay up to
$10-12/hour. You must be on
student loan, and be eligible for
Work Study.
Good Luck!
CIENCE FOOD DRIVE
fc
n^
NOVEMBER 12-25, 1991
(iJ)
Donations can be made in food boxes outside
of all major science classes. Please give
generously for the Christmas season.
"Oh, Waaaaaa!"
Artsies are brain dead; 'Geers
are egomaniacs; but Science
students are perfect, right?
Actually, no. As fun as it is to
feel superior, these accepted
truths are not so. "Artists" strain
their brains regularly, engineers
can be humble and scientists have
been known to fudge their data
once in a while.
You'd figure that in such an
idyllic (yet at the same time,
somehow hellish) environment
as the University of British
Columbia,/acMtom (new word
to be added in future dictionaries) would be considered petty.
But, no, interfaculty squabbling
is even considered healthy by
some. Meanwhile, mental barriers are built andfacultist prejudices result. This, of course, is
asinine.
Take the suggestion I made
last issue (Version 5.04 Nov. 5,
1991) about the Engineers'
Cairn. In my article, I lined
"immaturity" with "sinking
down to the level of a red-jacketed Engineer." Now, under the
Neo-Politically-Correct rules,
could I myself be nailed for
facultism? The Ubyssey would
probably think not. After some
deep contemplation, I realized
that by singling out the red-jacketed in my tirade, I may also be
accused of colourism. However,
I was merely using a metaphor
to criticize xenofacultiphobics
who associate exclusively with
those of their own faculty and
act like complete assholes when
they feel that their facultorial
honour has been tarnished.
[Okay guys, you can take me
down from here now.]
Now I'd like to address the
Artsies, or as /prefer, "Humanists." This appellation broadens
their definition beyond fine artists to include all those whose
studies emphasize "the cultural
aspects of civilization" (The New
Lexicon Webster's Dictionary
of the English Language 1988
ed.). Now, I have been pegged
at times, for writing in the 432,
as among other things, an Artsie-wanna-be. Though perhaps
this was intended as an insult, I
should like to take it as a compliment made of my well-rounded-
ness. Impractical and abstractas
they may seem, the humanities
are vital to our understanding
our global society and our way
of life.   [Okay, you can take
those airbrushes out of my nose
now. Thank you.]
Loyalty has nothing to do with
faculty. Faculties are merely
different oceans of knowledge
to dive into and explore. Do
note deprive the Artsies and the
'Geersofthe432. Theymaynot
get all the "in" jokes, but they're
not stupid either. I have chosen
to be in science as a career decision and as because it is a field of
interest to me. My personality
and my activities are not restricted by this choice. Neither
should yours.
FREE EXAM
DEFERRAL!
Just scratch and sniff the circle below to
contract the SUS Sales™ brand Epstein-
Barr virus.
Jeremy Reimer
Conspiracy of the Week
Despite massive coverup attempts by the Foolish Bureau of
Idiocy, the plain truth is that
Elvis is in fact actually alive.
Here, for the first time ever, is an
actual transcript of a coversa-
tion I had with the King outside
a local 7-11:
JR: I understand it that you,
Elvis, claim to be alive. Is this
true?
ELVIS: Pass me another one
of them blue capsules, would
ya? And three orange ones and
six yellow ones would be nice.
Just wanna top off my hotdog,
you know?
JR: Here you go. Have one
of the big black pills as well. I
mean , it is your birthday!
ELVIS:    Thank you very
muchhh (wolfs down hotdog)
What was the question?
JR: Is it true that you are in
fact a reincarnation of Shirley
MacLaine?
ELVIS: Huh?
JR: Would you be kind
enough to explain reincarnation
to the public, Mr. Presley?
ELVIS: Why sure. (Breaks
into song) I used to be both/
Leonardo and the Pope/I was
Cleopatra for a day/Before she
passed away/I was Napoleon/
and Hitler/and Jill St. John/So
listen up, to the Reincarnation
Songl/Yeah.'/I said you ain't
nothing but...
JR: Watch out for that Physical Plant truck!
ELVIS: What the hell is he
doing here?
JR: Lookout!
ELVIS: Shit!
(Splat)
Having died for the fifth time
in six months, Elvis says he
doesn't plan to change is career
strategy, stating: "I wasn't never
this popular when I was alive!"
So we turn now instead to the
most insidious, evil, insane plot
ever to be conceived. And it's
coming to fruition in every home,
on every television set in North
America. I refer, of course, to
the phenomenon of flipping.
You all know what I'm talking
about. You get home at 5:30,
flop down in front of the TV and
see if there is anything on:
TSN:    Bulgarian Women's
Invitational Sock-Pulling Championships, 3 hours. FLIP!
VISION: The Transvestite
Church Lady Hour. FLIP!
MUCH: Top 100 (C)RAP
Music Videos! People you've
never even heard of! FLIP!
CBC: Adrienne Clarkson
presents two hours of subtitled
Performance Art. FLIP!
ROGERS CABLE 4: People
complaing about their Complaint
Dept. show. FLIP!
KNOWLEDGE: The life
cycle of the dust mite. FLIP!
CTV: Lame Night Court rerun. FLIP!
BCTV: Lame Matlock rerun. FLIP!
ABC: Local News.
AUUURGH!
KSTW:   More Local News
about as exciting as sorting your
sock drawer. FLIP!
FOX: Some lame new show
with a worn-out laugh track.
FLIP!
And so forth. What most
people don't know is that when
the rate of this feverish flipping
reaches the optimum two flips
per second, powerful subliminal messages appear that are
capable of turning even the most
sensible, rational people into the
mental equivalent of ground
beef. The content of the messages is as follows:
[Unfortunately, the transcript
ends here]
Next Issue: The Real JFK
Conspiracy Revealed! Page Ten
The Four Thirty-Two     Version 5.05    •    November 20,1991
■Mundane Dumbster
Giovanna Vassone
Clement Fung
G - Strings
MONEY, MUNNY, MUNNEE.
Now that I have your attention, I can tell you all how much
money the Science Undergrad
Society has given to various
science clubs so far this year.
Actually, we didn't give the
money to them, it was more like
we granted it, but what's the
difference? Hmm, I wonder if I
can call myself a club and get
"granted" money to pay for my
Visa bill. Yeah, the "G-string
club", sorta has a nice ring to it.
Biosoc $1620.00
Astronomy $50.00
PSA $258.00
Dawson Club $134.00
Microbiology $454.00
BPP $913.00
Physsoc $310.00
Chemistry $552.00
Geography $134.00
Also, (yes, that'sright-I'm not
done yet), SUS will be purchasing a desktop publishing system
so that the 432 can be bigger and
better than ever.
And finally, the Science Food
Drive has begun and will run
until the 25th of November.
Donations can be made in collecting boxes located in all major science buildings and clubs.
Just bring spaghetti, or any pasta
for that matter (not the mushy,
sticky kind) or any other non-
perishable good and drop it in a
food drive box. I promise you,
you'll be a better person for it.
God, this sounds incredibly
sappy, but well, it's almost
Christmas.
As commander-in-chief of
one of the more beleaguered societies on campus this year, I
would like it known that everything published in the 432 is in
the spirit of humour. Granted,
some of it may be "humour of
colour" (notice I didn't say
"black"), but the apparent intent
of the forces of political correctness is to reduce all humour to
the level of, say, Three's Company. No, scratch that. Three's
Company could be taken to
imply that it's okay for a man to
live with two women, but not the
other way around. The point is, a
lot of things could, with an , be
construed to be intentionally
sexist, racist, homophobic, even
"speciesist", but they aren't.
The latest example of this dangerously volatile attitude is the
complaint received by the 432
regarding the depiction of a
Godiva patch on the front cover
of the last issue. Never mind that
the caption had nothing at all to
do with the fact thatLady Godiva
is a naked woman. (Sorry,
"womyn".)The432 publisheda
copy of the patch in question to
show that SUS had the patch in
its possession. Meanwhile, SUS
is being castigated for exposing
University students to this kind
of sexist material.
In light of recent events, I propose the Vassone Doctrine: "For
every article published, there is
at least one person who will be
mortally offended by it"
SenateShorts
Senate met on 13 November
1991:
1. The Faculty of Arts presented the following proposals
to be approved in principle
(motions failed):
a) The replacement of English 100 by a set of 3 credit first
year courses;
b) the introduction of an ad-
missionrequirementfor first year
English courses based on the
Language Proficiency Index
examination;
c) the introduction of a non-
credit writing courses under a
new University Writing Skills
Centre; and
d) the discontinuance of the
English Composition Test
(That the proposals of the Faculty of Arts be implemented in
the Fall of 1993.)
Several arguements opposing
the motion included: the lack of
consultation with the Curriculum Committee, the lack of resources to implement the proposals, the lack of universality
among first year students, and
Michael J. Hamilton
the possibility of overlooking
important ramifications of such
considerably reformative proposals (with regards to the speed
at which these proposals are to
be developed). A number of
arguments supporting the motion included: the problems
associated with marking the
ECT, and the need for remedial
writing resources for those who
need it.
2. The Ad Hoc Committee to
Review Student Participation in
Questions of Appointment, Promotion andTenure presented the
following motions (all motions
carried):
*a) We move that students be
permitted to participate in faculty or departmental commit-
tees involved in the appointment
of heads of departments, division, orschools.
*b) We further move that students, in particular graduate or
senior majors/honours
students, be permitted.td participate alongside faculty members
on Search      Committees, and
AMS Briefs
So, at the AMS meeting the
other day we all decided to postpone a bunch of motions regarding the amendment sof AMS
code of procedure. We psotpo-
ned it so that everyone could
read the 100 plus pages and
compare them to the old 100
plus pages. Dry as dust. If you
have any questions about AMS
Code, talk to Gary Chan from
engineering; he lives for the shit.
The referendum halfway
passed Question 1 (the $8.50
increase) failed due to lack of
quorum. 2874 people would have
had to vote yes and only 2842
did. Question 2 (the CPAC question) passed. Special thanks go
out to all you shit heads who did
not vote, thereby wasting a
bounch of time and money.
where relevant, in appointment
decisions as well.
*c) We, therefore move that
Principle 3, adopted by Senate
on January 17,1973 (page
5753), be modified to read:
"Although student opinions
shall be sought and where practicable in a formal way, student
representation shall not be permitted at Faculty meetings and/
or Faculty committees dealing
with the following matters:
budget, ifyoucall4235firstyou
win a dollar, .salaries and other
financial business, scholarship
and other student awards; adjudication of marks and academic
standing, and re-appointments,
tenure, and    promotion."
3. While discussing the Academic Year of 1992-93, a number of concerns were expressed:
the compromised Christmas '92
exam period (only fiften days
compared to the usual 3 weeks),
the existing tightness of exam
scheduling within the normal 3
weeks (i.e. problem of exam
hardship).
Jaret Clay	
Circvs Scientificvs
K.C. is in physics4 she wears
leotards that make her look
young. Rob always wears his
science jacket. It has Hons Math
Hons Fizz on it. Wanda wears
baggy socks that hide the fact
that her pants are short. I can't
remember when I last saw Ivo
sans coffee cup. Aarron has put
on a few pounds since I first met
him.Markistallish.Sarah'scute.
A Whole Bunch of Ideas Too Weak to Write Entire Articles
About
From the Zoology Department
News: "Apples for Lemmings:
Dr. Charles Krebs, Hut B-6,
Room 4, has a lemming colony
on south campus which enjoys
apples. If you have any surplus,
they'd love to have them. P.S. If
you would like a lemming pet,
they will have some surplus
animals available later in the
winter."
Imagine What If: David Duke
manages to get himself elected
to the U.S. Senate. Wouldn't it
be nice if he and his lovely blond
daughters were riding in their
limosine and got a flat tire at two
in the morning in the middle of
Washington D.C.?
If the Pilsbury Doughboy was
scampering around my kitchen
counter in giggling hysterics,I'd
set traps. All you'd really have
to do is poke the Utile white shit
in the stomach to incapacitate
him, then toss him into a preheated oven, and voila! The
Pilsbury Croissant-boy.
C-A-M-E-L-S: That's right,
folks. "C" for comedy, "A" for
Abbot, "M" for Maxwell, "E"
for Ennis, "L" for Lou Costello.
Put 'em all together and that
spells "CAMEL."
60% partial pressure of oxygen
will cause death in you, but only
you. Look on the bright side, it
will make cremation of your
body go a whole lot more efficiently.
According to one expert, the best
way to tie someone to a set of
railroad tracks would be with
only theirlegs anchored across
the rails. That way, the victim
has a choice: They can lean
forward as the train hits and die
instantly, or they can lean back,
and bleed to death after losing
their legs. Probably the only
logical choice is to forfeit the
legs, and then quickly apply
pressure to the femoral arteries
against the groin. The victim
may then flee the scene by
waddling away on his or her butt
cheeks.
Some readers have criticized the
432 for lack of physiological
realism. In the first issue's Liis
Canons, we depicted an eight-
panel sequence of a self-inflicted
gunshot wound to the head.
There has been some conjecture
that it was inaccurate to show
the victim's brains and associated tissues exiting the wound
prior to the bullet. After consultation with a staff editor for Field
and Stream Magazine, we feel
confident that a hollow-poin t
slug would in fact force the
impacted tissues out via hydrostatic pressure, before burrowing its own way through the
remaining cavity. Thank you.
Where are they now? Lastyear's
SUS Executive: Catherine
Rankel, Student Senator.
Caireen Hannert, SAC. Kelly
Guggisberg, AMS Coordinator
of External Affairs. Aaron
Drake, Editor Arts Underground. Al Price, lost in India.
Rachel Farral, drunk and in jail.
Trent Hammer, Kamloops.
Hugh Leung, well on his way to
a successful career in dentistry.
BIOLOGY
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JOTH AVENUE Version 5.05   •   November 20,1991   The Four Thirty-Two
Page Eleven
DEAN'S HONOUR LIST
STUDENTS ENTERING 2ND, 3RD & 4TH YEAR - SEPT?. 1991
SCIENCE SCHOLARS "TOP 20 CLUB"
STUDENTS ENTERING 3RD & 4TH YEAR - SEPT. 1991
1ST YEAR- 1990-91
David Embury Amundsen
Sukhjit Atwal
Sarvjeet Kaur Bains
Pauline Margaret Barm by
Richard John Baverslock
Harjinder John Singh Binlng
Celnwen Erica Bird
Maurice Blitz
Kartna Aranyka Bodo
Iain Stuart Brierley-Green
Christopher Gregory Brisebols
Andrea Elaine Buker
Franwyn Burman
Angelina Carol Chan
Judy Chee Mee Chan
Raphael Ll-Kuo Chan
Wai Ming Jimmy Chan
Kim Chang
Patrick Kar Yin Chang
Winnie Won Mon Cheng
May Chlao
James Edward Chin
Grace Shung-Laf Chiu
Joyce Hoi Yan Choi
Michelle Choi
Brian Thomas Chow
KikJ Wan Chow
On-KIt Chow
Allison Nyuk-Ken Chung
Eileen Dorothy Cochien
Jeremy Erwin Cox
Warren James Davidson
Krista Margaret Dunlop
Paul G. Fletcher
Scott Gordon Fraser
Diane Helen Fredrikson
Jeff Soo-Chiat Can
Richard Benjamin Gibbons
Lara Llan Gilbert
Harpreet Kaur Gill
David Gregory Gobbi
Nickolas Grabovac
Jennifer Lee Graham
Leanne Claire Graham
Steven David Cribble
Stephen James Gustafson
Lin lea Hahn
Nicola Haigh
Bradley James Harris
Leah Catherine Haslnoff
Saakje Hazenberg
Anthony Slong Hock Ho
Eric Pui Lam Ho
Marcia Hogeling
Natasha F.Y. Hung
Christopher D.W. Jones
Janet M-Wha Jong
Marta M. Juhasz
Andrea Dagmar Kalousek
Gurmlt V.K. Kang
Michelle Yuvienco Kim
Steven Kim
David Kramer
Jeff Ka Fai Kwan
David Kwok
Shaireen Lalani
Catherine Anne Leatherdale
Stephen Todd Leroux
Johnny Chak-Chong Li
Ee Un Lie
Thang Chi Lieu
David Albert Jace Loewen
Alan Leng Ho Loke
Choon Wee Loo
Lori Low
Derek Wayne Lum
Sasha Michelle Lupichuk
Franky Mah
Kin Cheung Mak
Cheryl Gail Miller
David Robert Mould
Caroline Mary Nelson
Joseph Frederick Nelson
Vivian Wef-wun Ng
Thuy Dung Nguyen
Andrew Yu-Ying Ool
Arif Padamshi
Winnie Pang
Robert Peter Pauly
Alfred Erich Penner
Heather Nicole Peters
Kenneth Poon
Peter King-Wai Poon
Adrian John Post
Adele Alton Pratt
Richard Hwayong Ree
James Chris :opher Richards
Marko Ragmir Riedel
Brian John Rukavtna
Sablna Kathleen Russell
Daren Lewis Sawkey
William Andre Silva
Karen Wa Man So
Douglas Jarr es Stafford
Rochelle Lynn Stariha
Michael Crai,;i SteiTl
Michael Paul Sywufych
Agata Szewc;yk
Steve Sze WLig Tarn
Sarah J. Thomtcn
Derek Tat Yan Tong
Karen Junfne Toy
Helen Catherine Ward
Roger Stewart Watts
Sophia Caroline Weldon
Brian William Wells
Angela Leigh Wensink
Sidney Bemurd Whitehead
Peter Donald M. Whitelaw
Alex Ho Choi Wong
Anselm Won;?;
Roger Wong
Sarah Chi LlngWu
Aimee Yan
Tara Alexandra Young
Victor Hau Woon Yung
NAME
2ND YEAR - 199091
Mr. Daniel Kwok Yan Ko
Ms. Jennifer E. Anderson
Mr. Edward Poon
Mr. Jeff R. Comisairow
Ms. Rebecca Wing See Lai
Mr. Jeff Allen Tupper
Mr. Malik H. Kalfane
Ms Bienca Lau
Mr. David Edward Kim
Mr. Stephen J. Hentschel
Mr. Brian Leung
Mr. Christopher MacGowan
Ms Heidi Lap Mun Lam
Mr. Andy Bing-Bill Chan
Mr. Brent James MacNicol
Mr. Rajpal Singh Chandi
Mr. Jason Earle Cross
Ms Josephine Osborne
Mr. Bradley Jason Dueck
Mr. William Wai Lun Lau
NAME
3RD YEAR - 1990-91
Ms Teresa Kwan
Mr. Christopher Nichols
Mr. Grant N. Galbraith
Mr. Phil L. Chaffee
Mr. Danny Lin
Mr. Gurprit Bains
Mr. Mervin Man Fai Lee
Ms Isabelle Vonder Muhll
Ms Lesley Ann Caswell
Mr. John Tze Woon Lai
Mr. James Liam McWhirter
Ms Jasmine Sharon Cohen
Ms Christina Irene Poon
Mr. Harbhajan Singh Kang
Mr. Kenneth Wing C. Mok
Mr. Michael K. Butchart
Ms Alison L. Isaacson
Mr. Horst Hollinger
Mr. Abeed Jamal
Mr. Stephen Cheng
Mr. Carl Michal
Note Carl Michal is a Co-op student
2ND YEAR- 1990-91
3RD YEAR- 1990-91
Jennifer Erin Anderson
Michelle Louise Anderson
Paige Michelle Anderson
Sharon Jeet Kaur Aulakh
Alisdair Bennett Boraston
Paolo Amedeo Bordlgnon
Theresa Marfe Burg
Igor Leonid Burstyn
Sonla Anne Butterworth
Julian Douglas Carrasco
Andy Bing-Bill Chan
Michael Lap Pun Chan
Rajpal Singh Chandi
Vlviana Chang
Peter Man Yuen Chee
Alicia Kit Fong Cheung
Winnie Wing Yin Cheung
Elizabeth Christina Chong
Jeff Robert Comisarow
Marcy Lynne Craddock
Jason Earle Cross
Graham Patrick Dellaire
Rajwlnder Dhami
Tanls Lynn Douglas
Bradley Jason Dueck
Michelle Jean Evelyn
Adelalne Chew Yee Fan
Hoi Sze Fong
Brian Kenden Marr Foo
Jason Cyrus Ford
Sebastlano Fronteddu
Leanne Kazumi Fukul
Walter Gillies
Jonathan Robert Goheen
Bertrand Joseph Groulx
Jeffrey Alexander Grout
Gregory R. F. Hand
Leanne Haywood-Farmer
Stephen John Hentschel
Duncan Ta Heng Ho
William Finbar Hodge
Jason Kar Kit Hul
Murray Allan Hurlbert
Eddy Jin
Malik Hussein Kalfane
Joan Shung Chi Kam
Prayjot Kaur Kandola
Yi Tsun Kao
David Edward Kim
Daniel Kwok Yan Ko
Rebecca Wing See Lai
Hefdi Lap Mun Lam
Gillian Alexandra Larkin
Bienca Lau
Michael Tat Kuen Lau
William Wai Lun Lau
Susan Faye Lazar
Elizabeth Ruth Leboe
Edward Te-Sang Lee
Brian Leung
Wai Ming L!
Betty ling Lin
Tony 'Luongo
Christopher Keith Macgowan
Simon Gregory MacNair
Brent James MacNicol
Dianne Louise Marriott
Morag Jane McMillan
Adam Terry Meneghettl
Lonna Justena Miller
Donald Wlng-Yki Mok
Jonathan David Morrison
Mafalda Suigone Musacchio
Christopher Edwin Nott
Erin Kathryn O'Leary
Byron Patrick O'Malley
Stefan Thomas Obenaus
Josephine Osborne
Claudfa Maria PereUi
Alan Howard Perrott
Edward Poon
William Wing Man Pui
Kenneth Todd Reed
Nicky Sarah Sample
Salima Badruddin Sayja
Alex Kal-Hong She
Johnny Chun Lin Shim
Ron Siemens
Richard William Smith
Brian Jeremy Stafford
Caroline Eva Stigant
Anna Sun
Florence Mee Shi Tarn
Zaliid Tejani
Melissa Maria Terlingen
Agnes Shuk Ling To
JeiT Allen Tupper
Jason Eugene Waechter
Jeffrey Mathew Walker
Jonathan Msurk Wilson
Anna Bogumlla Wisniewska
Joanne Tsui-Lan Wong
Ka thy Wong
Wei Wing Wong
Karen Ka-Wah Wu
Shao Ta Yang
Jennifer K. J. Yao
Samuel Yip
Qlng Yuan
Babak Bob 2^amlri
Edward NaguhJde Zuk
Gurprit Bafns
Peter Colin Black
Richard Michael Brusklewich
Timothy John Bussey
Michael Kevin Butchart
Christina Maria Canil
Lesley Ann Caswell
Phil L, Chaffee
Patrick Francis Chan
Dexter Dyogi Cheng
Stephen Cheng
Stephen Siu-Keimg Cheung
Jennifer Siu Ylng Chiang
Gene L. Chiu
Adam Chong
Gail Joyce Chow
BUI Chu
Sammy Chu
Jesse CluiT
Jasmine Sharon Cohen
Anthony Ward V. Collett
Veronica Corvalan-Grossllng
Gregory Richard Dake
Navid Dehghani-M
Heather L.M. Delgatty
Sukhbir Dhillon
Randall Thomas Dreger
Ron Ezeklel
Lynn Labrador Fan-ales
Allan Georges Frankland
Julian Fung
Kenneth Kar-Lun Fung
Vincent Hing-Yan Fung
Grant Nicholas Galbraith
Mary Anne Georgilas
KaviraJ Singh Gosal
David Michael Graham
Eileen Ochangco Guillen
Kevin D.W. Ham
Thomas Ming Kwang Han
Laura Ann Hanson
Ryan Alexander HUI
Horst Hollinger
Jacqueline Chee Wai Hul
Joseph Ko Hung Ip
Alison Leigh Isaacson
Abeed Jamal
Rhonda Michelle Janzen
Shehln Jessa
Harbhajan Singh Kang
Sean Bryant Kelly
Afshln Khazei
Deepa Khushalani
Edward Kim
Paul John Koltronls
Teresa Kwan
John Tze Woon Lai
Amlna Pirbhai Lalani
Alden Wesley Lange
Adrian Tse-Chen Lee
Barney Alfred Lee
Mervin Man Fal Lee
Mu Chun Lee
Danny Lin
Douglas Liu
Nigel John Livesley
Kefth H. Lockitch
Tai Man Louie
Luck Jan-Luck Louis
Rolfe Mario Luongo
Mi mi Mah
Gwendolyn Maria Mahon
Barbara Louise Mark
Gavin Leslie Marks
David Richard McBride
Elaine Carolyn McKevitt
Susan Elizabeth McLeod
Victor Casey McMillan
James Liam Yates McWhirter
Roland Mechler
Shah ram Mehraban
Ehsan Mohammad!
Kenneth Wing Chiu Mok
Bronwen Louise Morrison
Scot Alexander Mountain
Dean Quentin Naumann
Christopher John Nichols
Sarah May Nikkei
Diane Elizabeth Oddy
Steven Jay Oldenburg
Kristian Roy Olson
Ryan Forbes Paterson
Lulgl Andrea Pavan
Christina Irene Poon
Dana Leigh Powell
Joon Choi Pui
Susanna Puskas
Sandra Lauren Rae
Randy Joseph Riehl
Jeffrey Edward Roberts
Heather Alicia Rock
James Maurice Rolke
Lilah Natalia Rossi
SukhraJ Kaur Samra
Troy Casimir Sarich
Trevor Robin Shew
Theodore William Sum
Daphne Cecilia Tarn
Jennifer Jan Telford
Christine Dcnise Terness
Douglas Michael Thlessen
Allan Yun-Fan Tsang
Zuzana Uhrin
Mark Humphrey Van Ommeren
Isabelle Frances Vonder Muhll
Valerie Voon
Maggie Jean Watt
Vincent Anthony Wong Page Twelve
The Four Thirty-Two    Version 5.05   •   November 20,1991
SCIENCE
TRICYCLE RACE
Presented °— 00°
THURSDAY JAN. 23rd
12:30 - 2:30
SUB PLAZA
Itf^ 50! Team Maximum, Up to 20 non-science teams
|§€\ TEANI0Fffii4;undergradSi.i:grad^1 prof (lecturer orstaff). Minimum of 1 female^
||jS>"^pgf r     andsl male per team- (co-rec).
f%' -''-f-^ GOSC&$8125"per persorr- includes a free socially acceptable t-shirt
REGISTRATIONS Cherrsl 60 (228-4235)* Nov 25trr-Jan* 21tra Register early
Sfii"^   4"IS       Alt proceeds gate the Children's Hospital:.
semi-annual
S.U.S
TNVENTORY
BLOWOUT!
Great prices on all
sports-wear in stock
Specially priced packages at
huge discount rates
Great ideas for Christmas
Nov 20 & 22. 1991
10:30 - 2:30
Booths in Chem, Hebb Theatre,
Woodward, Wesbrook
BLACK & BLUE QUESTIONNAIRE
PLEASE FILL OUT ONE COLUMN FOR EVERY DIFFERENT SCIENCE COURSE YOU TAKE BY PLACING THE RATING NUMBER
INTHE SPACES PROVIDED. IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE PROF FOR A COURSE, FILL OUT FOR AS MANY AS NECESSARY.
PLEASE DROP FORM OFF IN CHEM 160.
1 = STRONGLY AGREE   2 = MILDLY AGREE        3 = NEUTRAL 4 = MILDLY DISAGREE 5 = STRONGLY DISAGREE
INSTRUCTOR:
1. The instructor's notes and diagrams were legible and useful.
2. The instructor's speech was clear and audible.
3. The instructor explained ideas and theories clearly.
4. The instructor made this subject interesting to me.
5. I found the pace of the lectures comfortable considering the
level of difficulty of the course.
6. The instructor was approachable and was available for
appointments.
7. I would recommend this instructor to other students.
COURSE:
1. The assignments/labs/tutorials were helpful for a complete
understanding cf the course material.
2. The course required a significant amount of effort.
3. The prerequisites for this course provided me with an adequate
background.
4. The course required a large amount of memorization.
5. I would recommend this course to other students.
CD
CO
CD
(A
0)
CO
CD
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CD
CD
V)
<0
2o      2o      9o      So      2o      2o      2o      2o      2o      2o
Q-O       O-O       CLO       CLO       O-O       Q.O       Q.O       Q.O       Q.O       O-O

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