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Volume 4 Number 10     The Newspaper for Science Students       Friday, Feb. 1,1991
Executive Elections in Swing
(SUS)Nominationsforexecutivepositionsin
the Science Undergraduate Society opened,
on January 28, and will close on February 13,
at 6:30 pm.
As of press time, no one had formally announced their candidacy, although King
Hussein of Jordan is expected to throw his hat
into the ring shortly. Said Hussein, "What are
you talking about? Don't you think the readers are tired of hearing stupid satirical articles
about figures in the Middle East?"
As of press time, no one had formally announced their candidacy, although Helmut
Kohl is expected to throw his hat into the ring
shortly. Said Kohl, "That's much better. A
real change of pace."
"Can we sign nomination forms with dead
fish?" asked British Prime Minister John
Major.
"Anyone who is a member of the SUS can
run for an executive position," said SUS Internal Vice President Caireen Hanert. "And there
is a special codicil in the SUS Constitution
that provides all world leaders that are currently being made fun of with valid SUS
Membership cards."
Around the world, reaction was reserved,
with most governments adopting a "wait and
Science Week
ends with a bang
by Aaron Drake
(SUB) Science Week came to an end with
one of the most popular dances in the history
of S US. Unfortunately, the dance was marred
by a large fight at the end.
The Last Dance On Earth almost completely sold out. Waill Street played to a
packed house from the minute the doors
opened. The bar ran out at eleven o'clock.
As the lights came on, a fight broke out, that
ended with one of the participants being sent
to the hospital. First reports are that a group
of people attacked an individual at the end of
the dance.
Currently, the status of SUS booking privileges are up in the air, while SAC reviews the
incident. The SUS could be facing the loss of
booking privileges indefinitely. That means
that SUS cannot hold any functions in the
SUB Building for that period.
SAC Member Sue Ann Mitchell said that it
was standard for a clubs booking privileges
to be temporarily suspended after such an
incident occurs. "Now, they'll send someone
to our meeting so that we can hear their side
of the story."
Mitchell declined to comment on what
action she though would follow, as the detail
were still not completely filled in.
Said, SUS council member Erik Jensen,
"That's pretty bad if it happens. We can't
hold the Last Clash Bash if they take away
our privileges." The Last Class Bash , the
traditional last dance of the year for SUS is
scheduled to be held in late March.
Other than the fight that marred the dance,
Science Week was largely successfull. The
Trike Race, once again, had a large turnout.
The winning team of the Trike Race was The
E.Colizers.
see" stance. Most wanted to see who would be
running for what positions.
Said Hanert., "The positions open are President, Internal Vice President, External Vice.
President, Sports Director, Director of
Finance.Director of Publications, Executive
Secretary, and AMS Representative."
"Well, can dead fish be nominated, then?"
asked Prime Minister Major.
"All candidates must be alive of course.
Anyone who is politically dead may still run,
though," affirmed Vice President Hanert.
In Ottawa, sources reported hearing a thunderous sigh of relief from the Prime Minister's office.
The election will be held on March 6,7, and
8, with poll booths in Hebb Theatre, Wood,
Chem, Computer Science, Wesbrook, and
Atlantis.
"Oh, so fish can vote, though, is that right?"
wondered Prime Minister Major.
All science students are eligible voters and
should remember to bring their AMS card.
Hanert expressed concern about world leaders running for Executive positions. "They
have so little in common with science students. What we need are science students who
are genuinely interested in helping out with
the SUS and want to make a difference. Anyone
can run. You don't have to have a seat on
council."
Of the more prestigious of positions, it is
widely agreed that Director of Publications
commands the highest respect. Former Directors of Publication have gone on to become
South American Dictators, Aircraft Carrier
Manufacturers, and even Golf Caddies. Said
former Director of Publications Derek Miller,
"Hello, I am not home at the moment, but if
you would like to leave a message, I'll get
right back to you. Beeeeeeeep."
Former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau said
he was seriously considering submitting his
name for the position of SUS President. "It
would really boost my resume," he admitted.
"No resume staffers!" shouted Hanert at the
top of her lungs. "We want people that are
doing it because they want to accomplish
more than another note in their Other Experience column."
Nomination forms must be in before 6:30
pm on February 13,1991. There is a form on
page eight of this paper.
"Okay, then what about this dead fish?
Would you vote for this one?" inquired Prime
Minister Major.
IN
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The Winners of the Trike Race, The E.Colizers
SUS expels students
(SUB)Citing reasons of apathy, the SUS has
expelled a number of members from the Science Undergraduate Society. Employing Bylaw 2 (5c) of the constitution of SUS, all non-
activemembersarenolongerpartof the society.
A non-active member is any student who
does not hold a position on student council.
The decision, passed unanimously yesterday
by SUS council, in a closed session, removes
over 4000 students from the society.
Student memberships will returned in Spe-
temberof 91.
Said Physic;;; Rep Mark Hoenig, "It makes
sense. Why should any of those students who
don't do anything to help out around SUS get
the same share of the SUS money as those who
work hard for the society."
No decision yet has been made about what to
do with the money, but the council will most
likely pay salaries to all members who hold
positions on council.
Radical Beer
Faction
Announces
Candidacy
says Zalm, Do I
get a beer if I vote
for them?
(Physsoc) The Radical Beer Faction formally
announced their candidacy in the upcoming
provincial election. Michael Hamilton said
that they would run a full slate of competitors
in all ridings, preferably three or four to a
riding. He admitted that he was unsure how
they would do it, considering that the party
membership consisted of five people and one
duck.
At press time, no date had been set for the
Provincial election, but Hamilton said he was
simply "Preempting what's his name. You
know - the guy that's Premier right now. Bill
Someone."
After suffering a narrow defeat at the hand
of the Unity Team in the AMS elections, the
Radical Beer Faction has decided to set their
sights higher. Ari Giligson ,who ran for AMS
Presidentcomplained that perhaps they should
have spent more on their campaign. "What I
mean is, we spent a total of fifty dollars on our
campaign. That's twelve bucks per person.
Unity spent well into the hundreds, and they
beat us. But if you look at the number of votes
per dollar spent, we kicked everyone's butt."
"Wooosh!" commented Antonia Rozario,
who ran for Director of Administration. "Our
platform is simple. It's concise, it's refreshing. Ari, what is our platform?"
"Pine," said Giligson. "That's it. Just one
word. Pine. The environmentalists will think
we're in favor of forests, and the loggers will
think we're in favor of more logging.
"Free beer for everyone." Piped in Erik
Jensen, who ran for Vice President. "Of course
I'm lying. Every politician lies."
Mark Hoenig (Director of External Affairs),
drunk and in jail, was unavailable for comment.
A Few Mah Words on Science Week
by Sandra Mah
Science Week is finished, history, kaput for
another year. It was quite a week, what with
displays, lectures, contests, and a blow-out
dance. And a good time was had by all.
Just to recap:
Monday - Apologies to Dr Scudder and Dr
Spiegelman for the 'technical' difficulties and
lackof bodies (butthe doughnuts were good!).
Tuesday - The Chem Magic Show played to a
full house as usual. Lots of pyrotechnics and
slight of hand reactions.
Wednesday - The winners of CompSci's car
rally was Gluba the Talking Bread Yeast, I
think.
Thursday - This year's Trike Race winner was
E.Colizers, who handily outcycled the defending champs, Pharmacology, to win the
coveted Trike Race trophy.
Friday - the Last Dance On Earth was an
incredible success. It had to have been one of
the best dances ever.
The winnerof the Outstanding Science Week
Display award was Math, who left their award
Outstanding inB-Lot. Hah hah! Justkidding!
Really, it was Biology with a total of 39 points
out of a possible 40, points being awarded on
a purely arbitrary basis. Biopsychology was a
close second, but Elvis' brain turned rancid
and smelled up SUB.
And finally...the department that bled the
most at the Science Week Blood Drive was...
TBAiii Yayyy! Congratulations to TBA!
Thanks to everyone who helped me make
Science Week a success. Maybe now we can
all start going to classes again...
January 30,1991 GET YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY MESSAGE INTO THE 432
(The %eign of Cats and (Dogs
You know, when it comes down to it, there
is a real battle of the sexes going on over pets.
Women like cats, men like dogs. I base this on
purely scientific reasoning.Observe:
Pick one dog at random. Statistically speaking (Source: Institute of They, as in "They
say that one in four people will die of colon
cancer in Rwanda."), the dog will have a
masculine name like Spike, or Fang, or Butch,
and sometimes even Prince. No dog is ever
named Rex or Fido. Now, if you pick any cat
at random, its name will be Muffin. Only
women name their pets after food. If it was up
to men to assign the Food Names to the cats,
you'd be wandering around with cats named
SteakTartar or PorkRind. Thus it follows that
because men are naming the dogs and women
are naming the cats, women like cats and men
like dogs. QED, whatever the blinking heck
that means.
That isn't to say that all dogs are like by
men and all dogs are hated by women. Lap
dogs are exceptions to the rule. Women love
small dogs, and hence they get to name them.
The Institute of They tells us that 93% of all
men are browbeaten into having their lap dogs
named Smurfles or Trinket, or (choke) Spot
(no large dog is ever named Spot); these are
the names that women chose. Men, on the
other hand have a single nickname for all
small dogs: ballistic ,(as in "If that stupid
furball doesn't stop barking at me, it's going
ballistic'.). But Large Dogs are overwhelmingly treasured by men and viewed with suspicion by women. Why? Because women
have to compete with Large Dogs for the
Top Ten Distinctly
Canadian Things
by Eric with a 'k% Aaron, Ari,
Mikey.
10.5-pin bowling.
9. The Looney.
8. The national animal is a
rodent.
7. The national symbol is a dead
plant.
6.3-down football.
5. Trying to come up with 10
distinctly Canadian things.
4. Eh?
3. Stopping for pedestrians.
2. Being unable to come with at
least ten distinctly Canadian
things.
1. The bald eagle.	
man's affections and chances are the dog is
bigger than her. Large Dogs seem to have so
much going for them, and women subconsciously fear the day that her man will sit her
down and say, "Gertie, I'm leaving you for a
Doberman."
Hah hah! Those nutty women! To think that
one day her One And Only would choose a
four-legged animal over her! Just because
Dobermans never put their cold feet on you at
two in the morning. Dobermans never ask you
If You Could Talk ABout Something. And
they certainly never giggle at the way you
can't spell finaly finnally certain words. Hah
hah! Heh...
Hmmmm	
No, but seriously, women just don't understand the very special relationship men have
with their dogs. Men NEED someone to revere them. Dogs always have an expression
on their face whenever they look at their
master that says MY GOD! My Master Is The
Smartest Person In The Universe! It also says,
I Don't Really Get That Joke, But I'm Sure
It's Because I'm An Idiot And Not Because
You Have An Atrophied Sense Of Humour.
Men NEED that.
Cats, like dogs, have one single expression
on their face. While dogs have an expression
that says, "Yes sir?" cats have an expression
that says, "Go away, buttface." Never go near
a cat. They get too annoyed, as if they were on
the verge of solving quantum gravity and then
you waddled in. Which I'm sure is untrue.
How many Feynamn Integrals can you do
while you're cleaning your butt anyway?
Not to say that I hate cats. As a matter of fact,
I like most of them, when they're not so
damned condescending. I don't know why.
It's not like cats are the most entertaining of
pets. They sleep, they eat, they sleep, they eat,
they clean themselves, they sleep. Dogs, ont
he other hand don't do much either, other than
embarass you in front of the guests by licking
their genitals. But the even though they do
nothing, they give you the impression that
they really want to do something for you. That
look on their face, it says, "Hey, master, if I
could, I'd mow the lawn for you, but as it is,
I have no opposable thumbs, so I'll just tinkle
on the carpet instead, but I really want to mow
the lawn for you."
Cats say, "I'm tinkling on the carpet. You got
a problem with that?"
I don't have a dog. I have two kittens that
have all but asked me to renew the lease ;
their name. So far I have taught them two
commands: Stop That, and I Said Stop That
Dammit. My Other Half believes these cats
are abnormally intelligent, because how else
could they reason that they can ignore both
commands? So I'm working on a third command: Look.This Time I Really Mean It, To
be followed eventually by the fourth command:
i) say to Other Half: Dear! Look! Out The
Window! A Half-Off Sale at Eatons!
ii) say to kittens: (punt)
It isn't the same with dogs. You could creap
up on a sleeping dog and beat it senseless, and
it will reason that it was obviously something
the dog did wrong and gosh did he ever
deserve that beating. Dogs are masters at the
expression, Golly, I'm sorry. Cats are masters
at the expression, You deserved it..
Of course, the true exception to all of this is
that fountain of drool, the St. Bernard (The
Institute of They tells us that if we could
harness the drool from just ten thousand St.
Bernards, we could irrigate ' : Sudan). Everybody wishes St. Bernard: ere an endangered species.
Aaron Drake, inhis final year of physics, has
decided that he just isn't into this reality thing
and would prefer it if everyone referred to
him as Napolean. Or Bob.
In Ten Words or Less
by Ed Short
(In Ten Words of Less is a regular column by
the master of precis, Ed Short, who presents
political opinions in ten or less words, not
including the title)
Why I Think That
The GST IS a Jolly
Good Idea
It keeps the riff-raff out of the stores.
Wanted
One (1) Summer Guide
Editor to fulfill the
following tasks:
i>|&tsixkagBls
ill E&iaiu* pa&Usfe tne SVS Summer
SuUtifarmi
0m$ $Q ape B«gafiab^iHrt (wj msst
pay*
JPfestse drop toy Cfeeaj M& m& mfU SB
yoa fe«a &m realty feortog)
Oh, help!
Those nutty AMS elections have left us without an Executive Secretary. So nominations are
open for a temporary
Executive Secretary to
fulfill those nutty Executive Secretarial duties until the end of the
Those       interested
should drop by Chem
160 and make a fool of
themselves.
Note: this is a serious
ad.
How many Americans does it take to change
a light bulb?
Two: one to change it and one to tell the world
that America has once again saved the world
from the forces of darkness.
How many Canadians does it take to change
a light bulb?
Eh?
How many Computer Scientists does it take to
change a light bulb?
?SYNTAX ERROR: Light Bulb IS NOT A
VALID IDENTIFIER
TEACHING AWARDS IN THE
FACULTY OFSCIENCE
Three members of the Faculty of Science will be selected to receive awards of $5,000 for
1990/91.
Eligible are full-time faculty members
appointed on or before July 1,1990 in any
of the Faculty Departments. The following
criteria will be taken into consideration:
1. Develoment of course material.
2. Presentation.
3. Innovative approaches to teaching
methodology or curricala.
4. Responsiveness to student's intellectual
and personal needs.
5. Ability to motivate students and stimulate
critical thinking.
6. Sustained teaching excellence.
Nominations for these awards may be submitted by Science Faculty, by Students, and by
Alumni. Each nomination must be accompanied by a statement summarizing the accomplishments of the nominee.
Teaching performance will be assessed by a committee appointed by the Dean of
Science.
Nominations will be welcome as soon as possibble, but no later than Feb. 15, 1991. They
should be submitted to Michael Gerry, Chairmn of the Committee on Teaching
Awards, Dean's Office, Faculty of Science
—i I
/^l
^ /^~
Oka-poqo
The 432
January 30,1991 GET YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY MESSAGE INTO THE 432
#5
"Please Excuse My
Son From The Draft
As He Is Quite
Sensitive."
The Lost Tetragrarns of
The I Ching
Directions: The original Chinese technique
for fortune-telling calls for the subject to cast
wooden sticks in a random fashion, thereby
generating a hexagram, a sequence of six
"yin" or "yang" lines. Each of the 64 possible combinations corresponds to a passage
of deliberately ambiguous advice, known as a
"judgement", in the IChing text. In the spirit
of contemporary New Age psychobabble, I
believe that the time is ripe for a good western
bastardization of this ancient art. In the
interest of expedience, this new edition of the
I Ching has been streamlined to only 16 permutations. To employ this highly interactive,
mathematically elegant technique, now enjoying revivedpopularity among yuppies with
too much time on their hands, simply flip a
coin four times to generate the binary sequence, then consult the insightful analysis
below. Before tossing the coins, bow to the
four compass directions, meditate and burn
incense, if you honestly think it will make a
difference.
0000 Everything's coming up roses. Life is
wonderful. You are insufferable.
0001 You're too hard on yourself. You
make everyone look bad. Get a life.
0010 Only time will tell if you will find
harmony, or if you are doomed to a life of
changing letters on a theater marquee.
0011 Your previously uninterrupted wave
of glorious success will leave you completely
unprepared for the apocalyptic failure that
will distinguish the remainder of your days.
0100 In spite of the growing sense that your
efforts are utterly in vain, you can take some
small consolation in knowing that your inep-
^anions
titude will surely drag down several hundred
others with you in fiery defeat
0101 The poor timing of your birth will
forever guarantee that the alarm clock awakens you at the lowest point in REM sleep.
0110 Your limitless capacity for self-deception will prevent you from recognizing the
difference between Superglue and Preparation H until after you've gorged yourself on
roast pheasant and prune sauce.
0111 No amount of self-flagellation will
ever be able to appease the vast array of
special-interest groups you've insulted by
merely breathing. Consider applying for the
Federal Witness Relocation Program.
1000 You w ill feel compelled to jump at the
first cryonics package anyone tries to sell you.
After all, the worst thing that could happen
would be that you'd thaw
prematurely.
1001 It is lime for you to seriously ask
yourself why you even own a telephone.
1010 You may be perceiving faint glimmers of hope on the horizon, but these may be
safely interpreted as complex hallucinations
triggered by the portions of your brain which
recognize that in the aftermath of a nuclear
war, you might have some reproductive potential.
1011 Your dog still loves you, even though
you've forgotten its distemper shots for the
last four years;.
1100 Allow yourself a pained smile at least
once a day. You may find that as your dingy
one-room apartment in Marakesh becomes
haunted by the ghosts of old comrades you've
betrayed, it's easy to slip into amelancholy
condition. But don't waste your energy on
self-pity: without anyone to share your misery, you'd make better use of your time looking for clean needles.
1101 You have crossed an important
threshold: If you now write free-verse, or
make etchings, or practice the piercing arts
then your family, will become very wealthy
after your death selling photographs of you
shaking hands or kissing or assaulting famous
literary figures:.
1110 You better hope that a large asteroid
strikes the Ea;:th in your vicinity and ends
things quickly; otherwise, stay away from
busy streets, and don't drink alcohol in the
Jacuzzi.
Contest Reminder
The Light Bulb Joke Contest is still raging.
Don't forget the deadline for submitting your
light bulb jokes is Friday, February 8.
Keep submitting. First prize for light bulb
jokes submitted is a Science Sweater
Rules: Different point values are assigned to
each joke; the funnier and more original the light
bulb joke, the more points it is worth. You will
receive additional credit for jokes you made up
even if they really stink.
1111    Have a nice afterlife.
Glass Darkly
I think I may have found a way to kill
two birds with one stone. Why don't we
convince Israel to detonate every one of their
nuclear bombs at various points inside Iraqi
territory, with the express goal of turning the
entire region into a vast glass bowl by fusing
the silicates in the sand. This glass bowl,
shaped by exploding each warhead at just the
right altitude, could then be silvered to 98%
reflectivity. Right off the bat, we would
achieve the short-term goal of removing
Saddam Hussein from power. In addition,
this massive Iraq-sized mirror would be capable of bouncing many terawatts of solar
energy back into space as Asia Minor rotated
into the sun's direction. This massive photon
flux would exert a sufficient
pressure on the Earth's surface as to give it a
small but not insignificant impulse away from
the sun. It is my contention that such a small
displacement would move the Earth into a
farther, but not appreciably more eccentric
orbit, thereby safely counteracting the effects
of global warming, and saving our environment from certain devastation.
"Meow."
Back in WWII, the humanitarian later
responsible for the invention of napalm spearheaded the development of a new terror
weapon to be used against Germany. It was
cats. Large numbers of cats were surgically
implanted with small incendiary devices designed to be detonated remotely. The plan
was to drop the cats from the air during a
standard bombing mission over some large
German city. The cats, upon safely landing on
their feet, would of course disperse themselves, hiding in attics and alleyways and
piles of flammable refuse, as cats are want to
do. Then, after some pre-determined interval,
the cats would be detonated, igniting the whole
city, and killing thousands. Sadly, this noble
effort was halted after one cat exploded prematurely at an Allied airbase, triggering his
fellow felines and burning down an airplane
hanger. Back to the drawing board.
Patrick Redding is in his fourth year of
Physics-Acid Tripping Combined Honours degree. When he grows up he wants to
become a statistic.
That's Trivial!
by Tanya Rose
Hello again! This issue, we're going to give
you something on movies. See if you can
identify the movie that each famous line is
from. Good Luck!
1-10: Easy        1 point.
1. "Nyeee!"
2. "I'll buy that for a dollar."
3. "I'll be back."
4. "Is this heaven?" "No. It's Iowa."
5. "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry
again!"
6. "They're heeeeeeeeere."
7. "Go ahead. Make my day."
8. "There's no place like home."
9. "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't do that."
10. "Wait'll they get a load of me."
11-15: Medium2 points
11. "The honor...the horror!"
12. "Redrum!"
'The 'Drawers
ofSUS
by Catherine Rankel, Head Honcho
Thanks to everyone one who somehow, by
mere fact that they're alive and are taking
courses at this University (Arts or otherwise),
came out and supported Science Week. I
mean, don't you feel good about participating? Is there anything better in this world than
slapping a dead fish on a shirt? Or riding a
trike to beat hell just to get a stuffed panda out
of a garbage can? Or totalling your car
during the Car Rally because you couldn't
find those damn benches around the lawn
bowling thing in Queen Elizabeth Park? Actually, this year we couldn't find the mermaid
on Granville Island BUT:
1. the car survived, and
2. Ari guessed the correct answer anyway.
("All mermaids hold shells, Cathy." "Get a
life, Ari.")
The point is, Science week is the BEST
week on campus. Let's face it, you could be
roasting tofu weenies outside of Buchanan for
Arts Week or avoiding a big pile of farm
animal feces for Aggie Week. BIG DEAL.
Anyway, thanks for your support. Your receipt is in the mail. Save it for the tax man.
New topic:
To all those who read "A Day in the Life" in
the last issue and wet themselves due to hysteria, let me redeem myself.
1.1 don't throw underwear at my alarm clock.
In fact, I don't even wear underwear to bed. I
wear my jammies.
2. MICB 421 doesn't exist. MICB400,403
and 418 do.
3. I must've missed the Yak at the last
meeting.
4. Yaks don't pass gas. Editors do.
5. You don'ttitrate in Micro labs! You streak,
incubate, isolate and Gram stain. (Physicists
think they know it all).
6. I carry spare keys in my wallet and in my
loving boyfriend's pocket. So watch who
you're calling a geek.
7. I don't watch Cheers.
8. I only eat dinner once a night not three
times, thank you very much.
9. What the @#%$* are Milk Duds?
10. Coming soon - A Night in the Life of
the 432 Editor!
Catherine Rankel is not fooling anyone
here atThe432. As dedicated members of
the press, who selflessly delve into all the
dirty little corners, we know the truth.
Catherine Ranke! is really Eleanor
Roosevelt.
13. "The needs of the many outweigh the
needs of the one or the few."
14. "Klaatu Borada Nikto."
15. "If she can stand it, I can. Play it."
16-20: Hard     3 points
16. "Just put your lips together and blow."
17. "When you call me that, smile."
18. "We belong dead."
19. "Come up and see me sometime."
20. "Hey, do you know Eddy Shack?"
answers on page 8
How many Iraqis does it take to change a
light bulb?
One, but he needs a dozen Scuds to take it
out first.
How many janitors does it take to change a
light bulb?
One, but only if it's in the ocntract.
How many Klu Klux Klan members does it
take to change a light bulb?
One, but only if it is a Sylvania Soft White.
The 432
January 30,1991 GET YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY MESSAGE INTO THE 432
ftsy-Type T
forgive me father for I have Sin'd
by Brian Matthews
"Now the interval of (2n/n.) is used in the
summation equation to-"
"Why?"
"Excuse me?"
"Why?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"You want me to prove it?"
"Yes."
"All right. Let's go back to the basic proof. In
the third step, we use the ith value to-"
"Why?"
"Because it denotes the subinterval."
"Why?"
"Look, we're going to start learning 2x4 calculus here. Every time you say 'why', I'm
going to hit you in the head with one."
"Why can't you just explain to me why the ith
denotes the sub-interval?"
"Look, calculus is sort of like belief in God.
Don't question, just-"
"I don't."
"You don't what?"
"I don't believe in God. I'm an atheist."
"Oh."
So you have it. Trying to help an atheist with
calculus is an experience somewhat akin to
trying tounderstandyourgirlfriend- frustrating to the point of pain. My first reaction to an
atheist is "bull!"
"No, really. I'm an atheist."
"Swear to God?"
"Gimme a break."
My next reaction is annoyance. Where does
this guy get off not believing in the divine
one? Where does this guy get off questioning
the status quo, shaking the boat, not marring
blindly to his death like the rest of us lemmings?
"Why do you believe in God?"
"Because I do."
"Why?"
"Where's my 2x4?"
There's nothing worse than having your religious beliefs attacked by someone you're trying to teach calculus to.
"Why do you believe in God?"
"BecauseI do...probably because that'show I
was brought up."
"So you believe in the tooth fairy?"
"Completely different."
"In what way?"
"God created the universe."
"Prove it."
"You think the Big Bang just happened randomly?"
"Yes. By definition, that's what the Big Bang
is."
"Look at the sunrise. There's evidence of
God."
"Earth's rotation and atmospheric doffraction
of light."
"The Birth of a Baby."
"You're in genetics. You can explain that one
better than me."
"Go away."
"No."
I should have given up with the first 'why' but
like Custer, I didn't see it coming. But I did
realize that professors are far smarter than we
give them credit for. They don't misunderstand four out of five questions by accident.
THey know eventually that the sheep in the
seats will, like almost all the sheep before
them, just eventually give up wondering why
and just accept. After all, it's the easiest thing
to do. We sheep get the last word, sometimes.
"Look, the ith is the ith because it is. Accept
it."
"Why?"
"How many times haveyou failed this course?"
'Two."
"Wanna go for the hat trick?"
"I see that the ith denotes the subinterval."
"Good. Now sav 'Baaaaa.'"
"Baaaaa."
Nowwhatthehell wasthat?BrianMathews
earns money in his spare time with guided
tours of his duodenum. Hah hah! Well,
you think of something funny to say about
someone you'venevcr met when it's three
in the morning.
There was a young man from Bombay
Who sat and wrote Limericks all day
He got stuck trying to rhyme orange
So he just decided to ignore it
And went on with is limerick anyway.
(courtesy of Scaught Mountain
and Michele Fadeef)
Lesser Xnown Chess Openings
HaikuMania
by Scaught, Michelle, Aaron, Greg the
Hammer, Antonia again, Caireen E., the
Hoenigster
Pizza with the works
I can't eat another bite
You want that last slice?
How many syllables go into the lines of
these things?
I have no idea
I'll bet this is wrong
I have two big dogs
They have problem flatulence
They both sleep outside
Unity slate won
Words can't express how I feel
How 'bout 'porkbarrel?'
Rain of death will fall
The mother of all battles
Get a life, Saddam
Saddam wanted music
HeHkedTheB-52's
He should have just asked
Air-raid siren blares
Tracers light up the night sky
No I said Bud Light
He thinks he can win
His pilots are in Teheran
Saddam is a goof
I pity Saddam
What's there to do in Baghdad?
Wet veil contest?
My exam's over
I have failed the semester
There's no place like home
I have a haiku
My attention span is short
(DoggereC
by Scaught, and Michele with an thing
over the 'e'.
John's got his great big UBC backpack
John's got a real nice UBC clipboard
John came to UBC and moved into Totem
He hoped that his roommate wouldn't
snore.
John's got his great big UBC backpack
John's got a real nice UBC clipboard
John had agreat time learning all those
drinking games
That relieved the fact that classes were a
bore.
John's got his great big UBC backpack
John's got a real nice UBC clipboard
John failed four courses in his first semester
John's not a frosh anymore.
Ihoxigfits
By Scaught Mountain and Michele
Fandeef, with a notch thingy over the
first e.
I wonder what's one Donahue today.
Does the prof have several identical
striped shirts, or does he wear the same one
all week?
I wonder what's on Geraldo today.
I wonder if anyone will notice if I take a
nap.
How come the prof always crams 5 pages of
notes into the last two minutes of class?
I wonder if the prof is as bored as I am. I
think so.
The Iraqi Gambit
'What you need to know is that it was not a love affair,
not a mere love affair at alC, but love.
J. %pbert Oppenkeimer
If Love Makes The 'World Qo %gwi£, romance greases the moving parts. And there just
isn 't anything more romantic than sending a romantic message to a dear one on 'Valentine's
'Day. In the words of Saddam tfussein, Love Qum To The Stars, tPiit your pig-dog
satanic messages in The 432 or we will cut your eyeballs out. "9fpw how much more
romantic can youget, anyway?
The next issue of The 432 falls on February 13, the day before Valentine's 'Day. As is
tradition, we will happily print any messageyou have for someone in that issue. In the
words of Charles Manson, "!tfey, am I crazy or is that my foot growing out of my nose?"
Okgy, so maybe not in the words of Charles Manson, but in the words of'Baby Doc
'Duvalier, "your message is free. It doesn 't cost you anything."
That's right. The 432 will gladly print any and all messages (non-racist, and all that
disclaimer hoody-doo) that you care to send. All you have to do is drop them off at Chem
160 Or you can phone it in (ate at night and leave a message on our answering machine
(228-4235). 0%; if you are really chicken I mean shy you can mail it to us. Our addresscan
be found on the credits on page 7.
9(p limit on the number of messages. Tlease restrict messages to under SO words. Messages
may be edited for grammar, spelling. Ofpthing really mean, please. Jokes about HQirt
Treinsberg's private parts are okffy.
9{pte: Big 'Big rBIQ majorprizarooski for most romantic 'Valentine 's (Day
The 432
January 30,1991 GET Y0UR VALENTINE'S DAY MESS AGE INTO THE 432
Wt^^^^t^^^^nMm
my usual task - when my boss walked up.
"So, Miller, I hearyou're running forBoard
of Governors?"
I looked up. "What?"
"I hear you're running for Board of Governors."
"Says who?"
"Says all those posters around."
I remembered the hooligan in the hallway
last week who had accused me of trying to run
for the Board and who had shown me a poster
before disappearing.
"That's not me," I said bluntly.
The boss sidled up to me. "C'mon," she
said, "we all know it is. Come on. 'Derek'
Miller, 'Dik' Miller -they're just too similar."
"It's not me, I tell you. This guy is some
student. I'm a former private eye, Physical
Plant worker, campus cowboy,
and...er...private eye. Different people. It's
just a coincidence."
"Then how come I got this memo from the
Registrar's office?" she asked, holding up a
pink sheet of paper.
"What's that?" I inquired.
"I just told you, it's a memo from the
Registrar's office."
"I know that. What does it say!"
"Here, read it." She thrust it into my hands
and I read:
INTERDEPARTMENTAL MEMORANDUM
FROM:
Registrar's Office
TO:
Food Services
RE:
D. Miller
Please be informedthatyour employee,
one Mr. D. Miller, is currently running for
the position of representative to the University Board of Governors. Why a lowly,
scum-of-the-earth Food Services worker
would run, much less be accepted, as a
student representative, I don't know, but
it's not my job to know.
In any case, should he win, he will be in
a conflict of interest, since he will be both
working for the University and representing students on its Board. If this should be
the case, we request that you ditch him
right away so we can avoid any messy
legal entanglements.
Serves him right for being so pompous
as to run in the first place.
Sincerely,
J.Q. Blitherwathy
Registrar's Office
"Well, doesn't that just trample the rhinoceros?" I said.
"What did you just say?" my boss wondered.
"I said, 'Well, doesn't that just trample the
rhinoceros?'"
"That's what I thought you said. Where did
you ever pick up a phrase like that?"
"Africa. I'll say no more."
She looked at me blankly for a few seconds
before the spoke again. "So anyway, if you do
win, you're fired."
"But I'm not running!" I protested.
"According to this you are, and it's not my
job to go questioning the Registrar's office.
Goodbye, Miller. Perhaps we'll see you to
morrow." She turned to go, but stopped herself. "And give me that back. You're getting
greasy water all over it."
I handed back the memo and watched her
depart.
This was the most awkward case of mistaken identity I had ever encountered. Worse
than the Shen switcheroo in Shanghai, worse
than the Fyodorovski flim-flam in France,
worse than the Manteca mixup in Madagascar. Now, I was actually in danger of losing
my job. Before, it had only been my life at
stake.
There was only one tiling to do: find this
Derek Miller character arid beat the crap out of
him. It wouldn't solve smything, but it sure
would make me feel better. To that end, I
removed my dish gloves, donned my Dik
Miller™ Trenchcoat and Hat, and stormed
upstairs to the AMS offices.
"Where would I find Derek Miller?!" I
blared in my best I'm-angry-as-hell-and-I-
won't-take-any-B.S.-from-you voice.
"I don't think he's around at the moment,"
said the receptionist.
"Then where would I find him?!"
"I couldn't really say. You might try the
Science Undergraduate office in the Chemistry building."
"Then I will!" I shouted triumphantly,
swooping my trenchcoat around behind me
and stomping off down the hall.
"What a weirdo," I heard the receptionist
mutter, butl was in toomuch of ahuff to storm
back and say "I heard that!"
A few minutes later I was negotiating the
stairs to the S.U.S. office. It looked vaguely
familiar. Then I realized that I had replaced a
lock there two years ago. The scrape marks
were still visible on the door as I swooped by
it and into the office itself.
" Where..." I paused significantly,".. .would
I find Derek Miller, the candidate for Board of
Governors?!"
"I dunno," said a dishevelled man sitting
behind a Macintosh computer, playing Tet-
ris™. He didn't look up.
"Any idea where I'd find him?"
"Nope. But if you do, let him no that he
owes me an article."
"And who the hell are you?!" I shouted.
"I'm Aaron Drake, and I don't like being
yelled at."
"I wasn't yelling, I was shouting."
"Same difference."
"Shuddup."
"Look, buddy," Drake snapped, still
watching the screen. "I don't appreciate your
tone of voice."
"Yeah?" I challenged. "Whaddy a gonna do
about it?" I stomped up to him.
When I regained consciousness, there was
a large group of people looking down on me.
"Sorry, Derek," said Drake. "I didn't know
it was you."
"What are you talking about?"I said weakly
from the floor.
"I thought you were some obnoxious twit
looking for you. You said you wanted to find
Derek Miller, candidate for Board of Governors."
"I am."Ishookmy head. "What happened."
"I punched you in the head. I'm sorry,
Derek."
"I'mnotDerekMiller! I'mD wtMiller, Food
Services, Physical Plant, Campus Cowboy,
Private Eye. Whatever 3/ou want to call me,
I'm not Derek Miller, dammit!"
Just then, someone ran in with a rumpled
piece of paper.
"Board and Senate results have just been
announced!" he said.
"Who won?" asked E*rake.
"Yeah, who..."Ibegan. "Who...w...ohno..."
I felt myself passing out again.
The announcer was just starting. "The
winners are..."
Everything went black.
What a cop-out, eh? Well, hey, this thing
was written before any of the results were
known, so I could hardly be presumptuous
enough to predict them now, could I? So tune
in next issue (Feb. 13) to find out if it's "Dik
Miller, Food Services" or "DikMiller, Board
of Governors." Or maybe even "Dik Miller,
Hopelessly Short on Ideas."
H many Losers does it take to change a
light bulb?
They need to. Losers never come up with
any brilliant ideas, anyway.
The World of
Science, and all
that, I think
Today's theme:
sex.sex.Sex.SEX.SEX!!!
I have waited and
waited and alas,
no person has answered my questions about the
deep mysteries of
why 40% of all
people sneeze after looking at a
bright light
source, or why
apples turn brown after they are bitten into
(yes, I know that it's likely a re-dox, but what
are the chemicals involved?). Thus, I have hit
bottom.Someone gave me this one:
A recent study entitled "The Cost of mating," published in Nature, suggest that for the
female, sex may not be the best aerobic activity. The article reveals the study of 88 females
whose sex habits were studied. The amazing
finding, contrary to what you might be thinking, is that females placed in the "high-mating
group'Uiad significandy lower lifespans when
compared with the "low mating group."
To answer the question you must be wondering, namely, do males benefit, tha answer is:
"Males always gain from mating." »*}*-
atmg
[l0% off
g
\SUS 1991 Sweetheart Sale
I     present this coupon for 10% savings on all clothing sold by SUS
Kelly Guggisberg is no longer with us as
executive Secretary, and she still won't tell
us what her life expectancy is.
"%™f"]
I
I
Just in time for Valentine's Day to find a !
great gift for your girlfriend, boyfriend, pet, I
friend, enemy, rival, plumber... |
I
I
110% Off    Offer valid Feb 1-14,1991
■ Offer void in Quebec
This cannot be combined with m
any other discount or offer.      |
I
10%offj
HHHHHBHHHHH
Not much to talk
about
The Cypress
Bowl Ski Blitz
is coming up
on Feb 8.
Registration
closes Feb 5. It
only costs
$25.65 with
rebate. You
also get a T-
shirt and food.
The UBC Triathlon is filling up fast. If
you're still not sure you want to do it, then
come out to find out more at the 3rd
complimentary Clinic this Saturday, Feb 2
from 2-4 pm in IRC #1, You don't have to
be registered in the Triathlon to attend.
There will be FREE muffins.
For Valentine's Day you may want to
consider subjecting yourself and your body
to incredible pain by taking a romantic run
along a beautiful rocky beach in the Tower
Beach Suicide Run ($5 with rebate).
If you're sick of playing basketball and
not being able to see past everyone's navel,
then the Sub 6 Basketball Tourney on Feb
21-24 is for you. Registration closes Feb 15.
You can sign up in SUS (Chem 160) if you
want.
If you think Volleyball is boring in a
regular court, then why not try playing it in
a squash court - no one who plays is all that
serious, so come out had have fun on Feb
16 at Tower Courts. Registration closes Feb
8.
The PhyssocCrack Volleyball Team,
"Whoops", is proud to announce they have
signed the Radical Beer Faction to a long
term contract, terms undisclosed. Team
"Whoops" opened the season in typical
fashion, losing. Said, the team captain, Ivo
Van Selst, "Whoops."
In Ball Hockey, Team Physics continues
to terrorize Div HI, barely winning their lasi
game in a real squeaker, 9-0. Officials
agree, it was the COOL shirts that gave
them the edge.
Fianlly, a reminder to all sports participants to get out there and rack up points for
Science! We still lead in both men and
women's categories, and let's keep it that
way.
Rachel Farrall can usually be found puttering about SUS when she is not being pestered by an overzealous editor to get her
damned article in. Who's impatient?
The 432
January 30,1991 GET YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY MESSAGE INTO THE 432
Cpntmentftri
by Ari Giligson
A Guide to Campus Stereotypes
The Geer: Not great in number yet easily
spotted by their distinctive red plumage (jackets).   It has been rumored that they attend
classes although we have never seen a picture
of this event.  They are usually engaged in
various acts that involve being in a big group.
This could entail chanting, drinking or ritual -
istically throwing each other into bodies of
water.   Their idea of a good time is moving
any large object (preferably red) from one
location to another ( this usually entails a
reduction in stability ).
The Artsie: The most prevalent stereotype on
campus, yet you couldn't definitely identify
one until it has opened its mouth to talk. The
artsie can be devided into two subspecies:
l)The anarchist - dress is usually dark color and political philosophy consists of tearing down,
taking over, or blowing up some
arbitrary political establishment
at some arbitrary location.
2)The lost soul - dress is varied.
Philosophy of life consists of
going to university untill something better comes along ( usually wind up either as lawyers or
burger flippers at McDonalds ).
Artsies like to party but  don't
like to admit allegiance to any
group or organization ( in fact
aren't often sure if they belong to
any organization - eg. the AMS,
the AUS etc.)
The Commerceie: (Commercialist ? Com-
mercien ??): Not much is known about this
reclusive species which keeps to itself in the
Angus building. Sometimes mistaken for the
artsie, the Commerceie can be distinguished
by its serious, businesslike attire and  mild
party habits.
The Science Geek: Looks much like the artsie
but often 10 or so years out of fashion. The
Science student can often be found sleeping in
lecture halls throughout campus. Some have
ventured to hypothesize that Science students
are hybrids between Geers and Artsies. Others have thought that Geers and Artsies are in
factmore specialized forms of these creatures.
Science studens like to party but usually stop
at only 12 beer wherease Geers enjoy up to 40
in one evening.
In an upcoming article we will look at the
speciation occuring when undergrads slowly
developed into grad students when all environmental selection pressure is removed.
Questions For Dam Quayle
Chromosones don't have any.
What happens to time that is lost? Where
does it go? Is it the same time when people
find it? Is ithanging around until the end of the
universe, when it can suddenly jump up and
say, Hey! there's still some time left! We just
found it!
Can you get indigestion when you swallow
your pride? Should you chew it first?
Can you have half of a hole?
If you sanction something, you support it. If
you impose sanctions, you stop something.
Someone goofed. How come you can't impose a single sanction anyway?
Why is a Senator at Large? What if he's
short? What about if he's apsychic? Would he
be a small medium at large? I'm so confused...
And I've never seen a shoe lace made out of
lace...
Live studio audiences bug me. Why are
things never played in front of a dead studio
audience?
Why doesn't Charlie Brown ever change his
shirt? How does Snoopy actually get up onto
his roof, anyway? How about their School
Teacher? Does she have a speech impediment?
Mwaaaampmwaa Mwampmwamwaaamwaa
Why is mum the word anyway?
Why is it heads or tails? Have you ever seen
a coin with a tail? Shouldn't it be heads or
caribous?
The guys in the comic strip B.C. Who do
they play baseball against? We see them in the
dugout all the time, but they're the only people we ever see. Is Grog a male or female?
How did they find out?
Have you ever heard of anybody ravelling
anything.
What type of wine should you have when
you eat crow?
thanks to Jason Olson, Mark Hoenig, Leona
Adams, Aaron Drake, Trent the G«nt-, Caireen
E, Ari Giliigan, Steve-o, Scaught Mountain,
Michele Fadeef
'Driving Miss (Dozy
Pretty soon
midterm exams will be
upon us and
students
will be
forced into
doing a series of grueling "all-
nighter£
For those
of you lucky enough to live on or immediately
off campus, such an endeavor will be nothing
more than an annoying inconvenience; favorite TV shows will have to be missed, telephone conversations will have to be shortened
and at the very most, one or two Pit Nights will
have to be postponed.
For those who come to UBC by bus or by
scamming rides off of friends, midterm exams
just mean they will probably have to give up
washing their hair and coordinating their
wardrobes in the morning. For several days
they will have to live with the embarrassment
of nodding off mid-conversation with their
travel companions and possibly, they might
even be caught drooling on themselves while
snoring audibly in front of their peers.
No matter what, though, the students who
will have to make the greatest sacrifices are
those, like myself, who have to drive in alone
from off of campus. For us, an all night study
session doesn't just mean an infringement
upon our social life or the shame of public
ridicule. Rather,we run the risk of killing
ourselves behind the wheel, or worse yet,
trashing our cars, due to fatigue-related driver
negligence.
My attempts to drive in from Richmond
while in a semi-delirious state have been
nothing short of sheer stupidity. I remember
one particular morning before a Biology 300
midterm when I was especially sluiced from
studying. As I stood shivering on my front
porch trying to collect my belongings, I realized that I could not remember whether or not
I had eaten breakfast. Worse yet, I could not
remember for the life of me if I had washed my
face or put on any deodorant. Rather than
going to bed to get a few hours of much-
needed sleep, I foolishly decided it was more
important to go to the exam I had studied all
night for. Needless to say, my decision was a
stupid one and I had several close calls driving
along the UEL Highway. By the time I had
reached UBC, I had convince more than half
a dozen motorists that I was completely insane; if seeing me weave in and out of traffic
at 80 kmh with closed eyes did not convince
them of my neurosis, the ten minute nap I took
at the intersection of 16th and Wesbrook Mall
surely did.
The only thing that saved me from wrapping
my Toyota around a tree was thdfl WAS
sporadically taking drastic measure to keep
myself awake.True, I did nod off on two or
three occasions, but I was always able to
regainmy consciousness and continue driving
after a few minutes.
As a considerate and responsible downwardly mobile adult, I feel it is my duty to
share with you my tips for staying awake:
WAYS TO STAY AWAKE WHILE
DRIVING or HOW TO CONVINCE THE
MOTORISTS OF BC BEYOND ANY
DOUBT THE YOU ARE AN UTTER
AND COMPLETE IDIOT
1. Turn off all the heat, roll down all windows
and stroke the side of your face repeatedly.
2. Hit yourself with wide sweeping strokes
until you break all the blood vessels on the
palms of your hand.
3. Roll your eyes and stick out your tongue at
other motorist driving Japanese imports.
4. Smile a lot and never let the other drivers
see where your hands are.
5. Turn on your stereo full blast and pick your
facial orifices.
6. At stoplights, take out a two foot piece of
hair ribbon and try to floss your teeth.
7. Open and close you passenger door, pretending each time that you are lettingmagi-
nary friends depart.
8. Stick your hands out a window and wave at
passing cars for no apparent reason.
9. Honk your horn and shake your head whenever passing motorists wearing hats.
10. Laugh uncontrollably and squeal with
glee whenever passing police cars.
How many paranoc schizophrenics does it
take to change a light bulb?
Exactly thirteen. Otherwise the light-bulb-
filament aliens might become angry,
unscrew their bulb-ships, and take over the
planet at 1:17 in the morning (local time).
How many neurotics does it take to change
a light bulb?
They don't go near light bulbs. Didn't you
know that the electromagnetic fields that
surround electrical appliances may cause
cancer?
"That's the way ft was* Wednesday,
January 30,1991,
Very special thsriks to those «ho stayed op
w&h bib alt night last issue; Pat, Antonra,
Caireejj, Also, thanks to Jason, Derefc, and
Erik for iayost and phowcopyiag, Especially thanks to Der«k.
Thinks a lot to Dean Asai who went above
and beyond and ag &at«
*The4&2«atses out witenev«r We damn well
feel Jijce printing it The 4$3 prides itself art
beisg aloraur&w abw&«^no<i»agwhato-
sevst and woald pe&r. u> teasp ii that way.
Got a drum to feeali? Go see The Other
Newspaper On Campus. No radicals, thank
yw* if youjust want to fee fanny or interesting or have sometning to say abota boogiara,.
please diopus a line.
The 432
c/o Dean of Setenee
6270 University Bivd.
University of British Columbia
Vancouver BC
V6T1W5
T«tephoae: 2284235
Editor. Aaron Drake
Writers aad Contributors? Seatighi
Mountain, Micheie Fadeef, Aaron Drake;
Antonia Rozario, Patrick Redding, Mark
ifofiflig, Keiiy 08ggis&«rg« CatfwsiBe
ttaakei, De*ek MiHer, David New, Rachel
Farralt Alan Douglas, Sandrah Man,. Ari
GiSgsoH* Caireen. Hanert,. Jason QIsoh,
Leona Adams* Treat Haramer, Tar»yaJRose>
Erik Jensen, Ed Hewlett, Deanarini Leung*
Seven small pebbles, a Hack feltM^ eel-
lulls* ■•*••..
Artists; Pa&ick Jiedding, Aaron Drake
Photography; Fete* Sieaipelkamo good
gosh,I*«^I^ra^texa6a.ystHefeciwtfrsf>el
your last name. Oops.
L«yo«t«a4 P»ste8j>; Aaro&Drafes»Derefc
Miller
Copyright J9?J, M tighl? HsserwaL Ml
material is eepyrignted w the »atae of &e
iafkoft. If ao same is affixed ot therms a
whole plethora of first names, it*i «opy
righted m &e name <?f Aa»OR Plates. He
steak it feomtmdtothetr noses, Deal with it
CbrcatattOtt; 4$D0 add my mom.
Pjiajad ty Coitege Printers
The 432 is produced by Aldus IPagemaker
Oft z Macintosh SIL Yeah, I know. Yoa
really «are*
Alt similarities to any; person living Dr dead
ai3&.„na wait, if there's a similarity/, it's
probafcfy because we darned well «iea»t it
Maybe you jsstaeed a sense of hsraoarthat
hasn't suddenly crawled out ttora under a
rock. I mean, came off % you tfroH, tepid,
wet noodle, W$ good clean fen,
Speck* thanks tu Derek, top Tiding, me wittt the
lajoot tut Sua*. Attcf thank* to Ertfc and Jaoift far
hdgtttg out 6y letting w* or<ter them aroawj *s if I
had wy rat wthwlfy tospe** oft Tfcantof pat, once
again for ;osr combmatKm «F sick humour and
ftttfetle jsrowcSK. Thanks Mai* fc*„.B*v*# mSttf.
TnMfleyeu Aatoala tor feeing K>ti»t»etf<uriflu$ what
animal ?** b*6 dwm job mto th*\ jw j«J badfo
write me an srtkle even if il kilted yos. Thank.jfou
keep submitting. Th»ait y««*ts<»tt Olsoa far your
you especially Be»» AssiL You came in Jh«n±efc of
Anitas: on,
The 432
January 30,1991 GET YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY MESSAGE INTO THE 432
$1 Jew (Pages from nlie Historical future
by Alan Douglas
Alan Doug las, the modest nutty guy thatheis,
doesn't like to brag that he has solved the
mysteries of time travel. Instead, without
fanfare, he went fifty years into the future and
brought us back a brief glimpse of what the
history books of the future had to tell us aboutl
the Gulf War
Oct 28,1991 - Dharan
Gen H. Norman Schwarzkopf, US Field
Commander in the Persian Gulf, announced
that each member of Iraq's elite Republican
Guard had now been personally decimated
seven and a half times over by nearly ten
months of constant aerial bombardment and
intense ground fighting. This, he felt, would
severely limit their effectiveness, and would
lead to the imminent liberation of Kuwait.
October 29,1991 - Tel Aviv
Scud missiles struck Israel for the 118th time
today, despite Gen. Schwarzkopf s assurances
that they had definitely destroyed all the mobile
launchers this time. Only minor injuries were
reported. Israeli officials commented that this
was getting really repetitive and called Saddam Hussein an "unimaginative boob." Zal-
man Shoval, Israeli Ambassador to the US,
again described how brave the Israelis have
been by continuing to keep such a low profile,
but warned Iraq that Israel would retaliate
next time, for sure.
November 5,1991 - Baghdad
Iraqi military officials reported that they had
now shot down 25, 713 coalition military
aircraft since the war began. They also claimed
to have downed 13,942 commercial and civilian aircraft as well as the Goodyear Blimp, the
Hubble Space Telescope, the giant inflatable
Dumbo used in the St. Patrick's Day Parade,
both generations of the Starship Enterprise,
and Michael Jordan.
November 7,1991 - Vatican City
The Pope today praised the people of Israel for
their tremendous restraint in not escalating
the Gulf War. "By turning the other cheek,"
said His Holiness, "they have done the decent
Christian thing." In trie ensuing Israeli ah
strike, three Cardinals were injured and a
warehouse full of souvenir Pope dolls was
destroyed.
November 11,1991 - Geneva
The Nobel Peace Prize was accepted today by
Libyan leader Col. Moammar Gadhafi, the
only political figure to vehemently oppose
both the Gulf War arid Iraq's invasion of
Kuwait. The Prize was awarded to Gadhafi for
his repeated efforts to bring a peaceful settlement to the war. In reaction, President Bush
said that he would not allow a terrorist to
undermine the war effort, and declared that
:the madman Gadhafi must be stopped before
he brings about a premature peace."
November 13,1991 - Tripoli
A US squadron of F-l 11 A's made aprecision
surgical strike today on the summer home of
Col. Moammar Gadhafi. Two important tool
sheds were destroyed in the raid which also
interrupted the maid's Nintendo game. Later,
US Defense Secretary Dick Cheney commented, "Let's see that maniac try and mow
his lawn now!"
November 16,1991 - Washington
Since all efforts to date have failed to neutralize Iraqi Scuds, President George Bush announced that to ensure Israel does not further
enter the Gulf conflict, the entire nation of
Israel will be temporarily relocated to Idaho.
Ambassador Zalman S'loval promised medals of bravery for all«!
November 17,1991 - Baghdad
In addition to his live broadcasts from Baghdad, popular CNN correspondent Peter Arnett
has been given a one ho ur prime time variety
show on Iraqi television to begin airing next
month. The premier episode of "The Peter
Arnett Show" will feature Roseanne Ban-
singing me US National Anthem.
December 3,1991 - Washington
In an address to the nation yesterday, President Bush assured Americans that the CIA has
the problem of Iraqi terrorism completely
under control, and that there is no loner anything to fear.
December 17,1991 -Saudi Arabia
US and British forces' latest attempts to recapture the Saudi city of Dharan have failed.
Gen. Schwarzkopf insisted this is just aminor
setback and indeed that the entire Iraqi invasion is an act of desperation. President Quayle
was not available for comment.
December 18,1991 - New York
Still driven by more positive reports from the
Gulf War, the Dow Jones shot up three hundred and seven points, while the latest polls
show that 106% of Americans feel that the
war is as good as won.
December 23,1991 - Baghdad
The Iraqi military claimed that in heavy fighting lastnight, they shot down the moon and all
the stars. They also reported that they hope to
have the sun taken care of by nightfall.
January 9,1992 - Washington
Rumours continue to circulate as to the
whereabouts of President Dan Quayle who
has not been heard from since his swearing in
amonth ago. White House officials dismissed
reports that he is being kept locked in a linen
closet. Said, one spokesman, "That would be
an utterly absurd waste of linen."
January 14,1992 - Memphis
Elvis still dead.
January 29,1992 - Saudi Arabia
Iraq's elite Republican Guard, despite being
"decimated beyond all get-out," successfully
encircled the remainder of the multinational
coalition of the Saudi government. Gen. Schwarzkopf said from his emergency command
bunker in B ahrain that Iraqi morale is at an all
time low and that he expects large scale surrender of Iraqi forces any day now, although
he did not make it clear just to whom they
would surrender.
February 9,1992 - Washington
Newly elected President Oliver North announced that the nation's leadership crisis is
now over. He added that the death of former
President Dan Quayle was not another act of
Iraqi terrorism, but just "one of those things.
Besides, we needed a new White House."
February 17,1992 - Baghdad
With no one else to fight, the Iraqi air force
had apparently shot itself down.
February 22,1992 - Bahrain
It was announced today by coalition military
sources that they would no longer provide any
news of the Gulf War until something good
happened.
December 15,1992 - Baghdad
A two hour anniversary special of The Peter
Arnett Show was aired on Iraqi TV yesterday.
Broadcast live from Saddam Hussein's palace, the show featured the interrogation of
several captured USO performers including
Bob Hope and Brooke Shields.
April 12,1993 - Washington
Despite their use of nuclear, chemical, and
biological weapons, the last of the United
States Army was overrun by the elite Republican Guard, as Iraqi tanks rolled into the US
Capital. From his secret hideout in Grenada,
President Oral Robert offered the United
States' unconditional surrender and added
that if he did not receive $220 million and a
new country within a week, God would call
him up.
April IS, 1993 - Baghdad
Saddam Hussein, the self-appointed leader of
the New World Order, announced that in
compliance with the UN directives, he would
immediately withdraw his forces from Kuwait. Hussein also proclaimed that the US had
been renamed New Iraq, and that he would
liberate Palestine as soon as he found out
where the "American Satan-Dogs" had hidden it. Israeli ambassador Zalman Shoval was
being to brave for comment.
June 6,1993 - Baghdad
In a shocking development, Saddam Hussein
has been overthrown in a popular revolution
lead by CNN superstar Peter Amett. Arnett
vows to create a new world government in
which voting will be replaced by CNN election forecasts and policy will be dictated by
whatever gets the highest ratings. Newspapers are to be abolished immedia
You could have already read this column
Ring.
Ring.
Sounds
like      the
telephone.
Sounds just
like     the
telephone.
And    just
like     the
telephone
to be waking me up at this obscene hour...
What obscene hour...
Ring.
"Hello?" Seven o'clock. Must've slept in.
"Hello, is this Mr. D. New?" What day is it.
"Yes." Saturday. No, Friday. No.
"Mr. D. New, this ii; Ed McMahon of The
Tonight Show."
"Hi." Yes. Friday. Friday at seven o'clock.
No.
"I'm calling to tell you that Mr. D. New,
YOU ARE OUR LATEST WINNER OF TEN MILLION DOLLARS!"
"Oh. Wow." Maybe: it's Thursday. Thursday at seven o'clock.
"Do you have any comment, Mr. D. New,
about your fabulous winnings of TEN MILLION DOLLARS?" Thursday. Yes.
"What?"
"Mr. D. New?"
"Yes?"
"Have you fully realized, Mr. D. New, the
full ramifications of your TEN MILLION
DOLLARS of winnings?"
"What? Who? What?"
"This, Mr. D. New, is Ed McMahon of The
Tonight Show!"
"Ed McMahon of The Tonight Show."
"That's right, Mr. D. New."
"Sure. Hi, Ed. How's Johnn? How's
Jay?"
"You sound skeptical, Mr. D. New."
"Well, Ed, now that you mention it, I must
say it is a little funny to be woken up by
someone who claims to he a famous television
personality. Perhaps you could give me a little
more proof of identity?"
"All right, Mr. D. New, since you ask —
heeeeeeeeere's Johnny!"
"Okay, you're Ed McMahon of The Tonight Show. So—"
"Ho,ho,ho!."
"Um, yeah, uh, so tell me something."
"Why, what's that, M«. D. New?"
"Well, a few things, actually. I've been
wondering for a while. Why are you always
called Ed McMahon of The Tonight Show? Is
there more than one famous Ed McMahon
who looks like you? And why—"
"Hold it, Mr. D. New, just one question at a
time. Why am I always called Ed McMahon
of The Tonight Show, you ask? Well, I suppose that's because my name is Ed McMahon
and I appear regularly on The Tonight Show
with Johnny Carson, ho,ho,ho!"
"Well, why does your name always appear
that way? You'd think by the fifth or sixth
time, people would have figured out which Ed
McMahon all those pictures are of. And why
is it always the same picture?"
"That's a very good question, Mr. D. New,
and the answer is that it's a very nice picture,
which I happen to like a lot. What could be
wrong with using it more than once, if it
means not using an inferior representation of
my smiling face?"
"Okay, but—"
"Ho,ho,ho!."
"Right. Um, but why is your name always
stuck with that title, 'of The Tonight Show'?"
"Well, Mr. D. New, letme answer by way of
allegory. Do you work regularly for any
company in, say, the media?"
"Well, I do a column in a paper called The
432, does that—"
"Then I put to you, Mr. D. New, why should
younotcall yourself Mr. D. NEWofThe432V
"Um—"
"Why, that even sounds nice—Mr. D. New
of The 432, Mr. D. New of The 432 ... have
you ever considered going into sweepstakes?"
"Um, no—"
"Ho, ho, ho!"
"—no, no I haven't. Um. Where did you
get my phone number from, anyway?"
"Why, it's right here on my card of winners
of TEN MILLION DOLLARS, just next to
your name and winning number. Heh, heh."
"No, I mean, your company. In general. I
can't remember ever sending out my phone
number with a magazine subscription, or a
book club membership, or anything like that."
"I suppose, Mr. D. New, somebody must
have looked it up in the telephone directory."
"Oh, I guess that makes sense."
"So, Mr. D. New, to return to my original
question, do you have any immediate reaction
to your amazing winnings of TEN MILLION
DOLLARS?"
"No, wait. Wait. One other thing. Last year,
we got a sweepstakes thing addressed to a Ms.
D. New. We couldn't figure out if the D was
a typo, or if you knew something I didn't
know, or what."
"Areyoucertain.MR.D.NEW.thatitcouldn't
have been addressed to anybody eke in your
immediate household?"
"Positive. There are no Daphnes, Darlenes,
Dorothys, Dorises, or Dianes anywhere in my
family. That I know of, I mean."
"At least, none yet."
"Well, I guess—"
"Ho,ho,ho!"
"Um, yeah."
"So ami to understand, Mr. D. New, that you
are asking me what might have transpired to
produce this pieceof seemingly maladdressed
mail."
"That's right. And why it only happened
once. My brother filled everything out and
sent it back in, same as he always does to our
sweepstakes forms, so why—■"
"Excuse me, Mr. D. New, but did I hear you
say that your brother always fills out your
sweepstakes forms?"
"Uh, well, usually, uh, um, yeah.""Then
I'm dreadfully sorry, Mr. D. New, but I'm
afraid you're ineligible for our Grand Prize
of TEN MILLION DOLLARS. Thanks for
your time."
"No, wait—"
Click.
Seven-ten.
Thursday.
I don't have class until this afternoon.
I really, really hope this is a dream.
David New has been a regular contributor
for all of his years here at UBC. You'd think
he'd be able to come up with a better title.
The 432
January 30,1991 GET YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY MESSAGE INTO THE 432
9iozv we ran for9\MS ivith cozo-korns on our heads
The Radical Beer Faction
by Mark Hoenig
I wouldn't say we exactly ran for office.
Jogged, maybe. Walked would be even better.
Some would say staggered like blottoed drunks
pretty well sums it up. Purists would say that
we didn' t runfor office, but in fact ran against
office. However, saying that vie staggered like
blottoed drunks against office makes no sense
whatsoever.
I'm sorry. What was the question again?
The Radical Beer Faction came to be when
Mike Hamilton, Jason Russel, Erik Jensen
and Mark Hoenig were, through voter apathy,
appointed to SUS Council, swelling the Physsoc Block Vote to ridiculous proportions (the
fact that 25% of SUS Council is composed of
members of Physsoc has nothing to do with
the fact that the Elections Commissioner
Caireen Hanert is also President of Physsoc).
We immediately saw two problems with S US.
It was turning far too stodgy and bureaucratic,
and they served really lousy beer at beer
gardens.The Radical Beer Faction of theBloc
Physsoc was formed to right these wrongs.
For the first few months our significant
achievements were limited to securing the
only four reclining chairs at every Council
meeting, and irritating each council member
at least once. The task of improving beer at
SUS functions seemed hopeless.
Musing this over at the Pit in one of our
secret meetings, we were struck suddenly by
inspiration: If we took over the AMS, we
would hold power over SUS, and could withhold funds until they agreed to play ball and
use decent beer. Thinking it over, we realized
that the AMS was also plagued by bureaucracy and lousy beer. If Jason Brett could form
a slate, so could we.
We had the necessary qualifications: we
were incompetent, dishonest, stubborn, and
we bickered a lot. Every year student politicians promise a clearer and brighter future and
a kinder, gentler student council. We would
take the suspense out of voting - we would
demonstrate out ineptitude beforehand.
Mike Hamilton suggested that he could be
the first Director of Finance to present a
completely honest budget, by including line
items for: ^misappropriation of funds, ii)beer
and pizza, iii)please don't ask, and finally,
iv)I'd rather not say.
At 9:30 thenextmorning we promptly picked
up our nomination forms. At 9:35 we started
playing cards at Physsoc. By 10:40 we had
collected all the needed signatures from people
like Fiona Murray, who expressly said that
she would be very embarrassed if her name
appeared in The 432.
The Ubyssey was now REQUIRED to interview us.
We still needed a presidential candidate and
a Director of Administration. Antonia Rozario
gracefully declined the offer of the D of A
candidacy, saying sweetly, "get away from
me you pasty-white dweebs." Ari Giligson,
on the other hand accepted the presidential
candidacy. Aaron Drake of The432 originally
agreed to run for D of A, but later backed
down. "Beer makes me fart," he said.
News of our candidate spread like wildfire
among the politically astute of the campus.
On Saturday, we hear from a reliable source
that the Progressives were "worried" about
us. The next week we heard that our candidacy
had driven certain members from the AMS
Establishment to apoplexy. Joanna Wickie
was heard to say, "It's just not right.Don't
they know what they're doing?" Over the next
few days we were accused by several people
of "splitting the vote and giving it to them."
Strangely, both slates said this.
January came, and Antonia joined us to
make us complete. She wanted the opportunity to flaunt her goods in front of thousands
of hairy Italianj,M ike, by the way, refound his
nomination form, for the seventh time.
We met our opponents at the all-candidate's
meeting.
We presented our innovative suggestions to
save the AMS thousands of dollars, but the
other candidates refused our gentlemanly
proposal to settle the election by either boat-
race or snowball fight. Later, Mike Hamilton
committed a major election faux pas; apparently one isn't supposed to fall asleep during
all-candidate's meetings.
We carefully allocated our budget of $57.66.
Perhaps we should have put a little more
money into our campaign. We ended up with
a rate of 64 votes per dollar spent. Compare
that to Unity which got 7 votes per dollar
spent.
Now for the viking hat: It was interesting to
note the reactions of others when I was
standing about with horns on my head. People
fell into three categories: those who smiled,
laughed or made some witty comment, those
who were too wrapped up in their own universes to notice a Scandophile in front of
them, had finally those who refused to admit
they were .seeing this. They'd walk past,
quickly, averting their eyes, pretending they
were thinking, If I ignore it, it will go away.
Quick glance. Does he know he's wearing that?
The third group was by far the largest. Okay,
the largest group was the "what abozo" group
which I refuse to acknowledge.
In the interest of self defense, we decided
not to attend any of the candidate's forums.
This almost backfired - we won the debate at
the Cheese Pub by not attending. We did
manage some wondrous spots on CITR radio
and one graduate student in Poli Sci is making
us the subject of his thesis.
Do wehaveregrets? Not getting the $10,000?
The plush offices? Shawn? Well, maybe that
last one. But we do regret that we now can't
use any of the great jokes we had saved up. For
instance, the RBF's 31 Tips on How to Pick
Up Women (#1: don't strain your back, use
the fireman's carry...), the replacement of the
Ubyssey wixbThe432, the False Creek Lodge,
the.. Hey come back here, I'm not finished...
Mark Hoenig ran for the position of
Director of External Affairs, and now is
currently writing his memoirs when he
isn't consulting Dan Quayle in domestic
policy. I think. Or he could be in Physsoc
with a winning hand in Hearts. One or
the other.
The Radical Beer Faction Recruits a Member
Answers to
Thafs Trivial!
LTfoHolytfoaL
2. RoboCop.
3, The Terminator,
11< Apocalypse 1&w.
12. The Shiraftg.
13. StarTiskll,
4» Field, of Dreams.
14. The Day The Earth Stood Stifi.
S.OoneWi&feeWintL
& Poltergeist
7. Sudden Impact.
&, The Wizard of Oz.
15. Casablanca
16. To Have md Have Not
17. The Virginian,
IS. The Bride of Frankenstein-
% 2D0-1: A Spw*Q$*scy>
ICBatmaa.
1% Diamond LE
20. Sla^Shot
Nomination form for SUS
Executive Positions:
NAME OF CANDIDATE:
DEPARTMENT:
YEAR: ._
ADDRESS:	
TELEPHONE NUMBER:
STUDENT NUMBER:.
I   am   aware   of   my   nominalloi
position   of
and   am  willing   to   run   for   the
DATE:
SIGNED:
This form MUST b? returned
1991.    to   SUS   (Chem   160).
by   6:30pm.   Wednesday,    February   13,
We*, the undersigned, bona
Undergraduate   Societv.    noml
fide   members   of   the   Science
na t e
for   t lie   pos 11 I on   of
DATE                 SIGNATURE                 NAME                                            STUDENT   NUMBER
1
„
3
io_
11.
12 .
13_
H_
15_
16.
17_
18
* 15 Is the- minlmum number of signers required.
" ALL CANDIDATES' MEETING, THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1991 AT
12:30pm IN CHEM 160 (ALL CANDIDATES MUST ATTEND).
Take a hint
Don't Drink and Drive
The 432
January 30, 1991