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The 432 Mar 13, 1991

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 Volume 4 Issute 13       The Newspaper for Science Studerits        Wednesday, March 13,1991
432 Awards to be given out at AGM
(that's: awards by The 432, not four hundred
and thirty-two awards to be given out)
The 432 will be presenting awards at the
Science Undergraduate Society's Annual
General Meeting. The AGM will be held
tomorrow at 1pm in the SUB Partyroom.
Snacks and refreshments will be provided
(free). The AGM is open to all Science students and Science Faculty, and those invited
by the Science Undergraduate Society.
There are a number of awards to be given
out by The 432; all awards are for articles and
cartoons contributed to the Paper For Science
Students.
Premier among these awards are:
i) The Best Article.
ii) The Best Article From A Regular Column,
iii) The Best Article Under 500 Words,
iv) The Best Cartoon or Graphic
A number of finalists for these awards were
chosen from the issues 1-12 of Volume 4 of
The432. These selections were then forwarded
to a number of judges, who then each chose
the best articles in each category, assigning
points to first, second, and third.
The number of judges varied from category
to category. For the Best Cartoon Category,
there were 51 judges. For the Best Article in a
Column, there were only twelve judges.
The following people are finalist for each
category; The 432 asks them to come to the
AGM for the announcement of the winners:
BEST ARTICLE:
Alan Douglas
Aaron Drake
David New
Antonia Rozario
BEST ARTICLE FROM A REGULAR
COLUMN
Aaron Drake
Ari Giligson
Derek Miller
David New
Patrick Redding
Antonia Rozario
BEST ARTICLE UNDER 500
WORDS(lf more than one author, then
the article is named as well)
Alan Douglas
Aaron Drake
Caireen Hanert
Top Ten Reasons, Issue 9, by Claudio de Los
Rios, Ari Giligson, Mark Hoenig, et al.
Questions for Dan Quayle, Issue 9, by Elain
Wong, Sarah Thornton, Gloria Sheen, et al.
Questions for Dan Quayle, Issue 7, by Don
Hitchen, Aaron Drake, et al.
BEST CARTOON AND GRAPHIC
LTncroyable Thrud, The Physics of Sword-
play, by David New and Mike
Jackson(illustrator)
L'IncroyableThrud,Radiation,byDavidNew
and Mike Jackson(illustrator)
L'IncroyableThrud, KineticEnergy,by'David
New and Mike Jackson(illustrator)
Science Holds The Torch, by Caireen Hanert,
Aaron Drake, and David New(ill.)
Ever Wonders Who Marks Your Tests? by
Cesare Battista
A Student Has Only Little Time To Sleep, by
Cesare Battista
The Dove In The Jet, by Patrick Redding
Lesser Know Chess Openings-The Iraqi
Gambit, by Aaron Drake and Patrick
Reddmg(ill.)
The Evolution of an Experiment, by Aaron
Drake
Ubyssey
saying 'GST Hoax Line!' and people were
still inquiring about their rebate."
Sharon Lindores, a staff member at the
Ubyssey, admits that the joke blew up in the
Ubyssey's face. "We never expected Physsoc
to transfer the calls back to us. It is kind of
funny, I guess."
Meanwhile, the Ubyssey has not officially
commented on the calls, although they deny
receiving any calls whatsoever. Caireen Hanert
said this was absolutely untrue. "When we
went over to their offices for an explanation,
they told us that no one was calling them. But
in the space of the time we were there, they
received four calls for the GST rebate."
The phone calls continued over the course
of several days, and even prompted a concerned RCMP of ficer to investigate. "He called
us to ask us what we were doing with the
information we were getting from these people," said Mike Hamilton. "We told him we
weren't the ones who started it, and he left us
at that."
Admitting that it was somewhat frustrating
to have their phone tied up by students who
were so stupid as to fall for an obvious prank,
Physsoc president Hanert has said she has not
ruled out taking the Ubyssey to court, but
plans to seek legal help first.
The remainder of the Physsoc Executive,
drunk and in jail, were unavailable for comment.
432 to have myn's issue prank flops
by Tanya Rose
The final issue of The 432 will be the myn's
issue, the Director of Publications revealed.
"That's myn, not man. We're tired of being
referred to as a derivative from the other sex,
the woman."
The editor admitted that the establishment
of a myn's issue is an effort to keep a balance
at UBC. Whereas the Ubyssey has a women's
issue, there is nothing on campus that devotes
time to male issues, such as belching, macho
posturing, and sexist comments that end up
making the male look like a bonehead.
Alan Douglas, one of the writers for the next
issue said, "It's been a long time coming. Hey:
why did God invent women?"
"NONE of that until the next issue, dammit!" said Trent Hammer, AMS Rep and
Myn's issue contributor.
Among the regular features in the 432, there
will columns on:
1) Sexist Jokes Revolving Around Three
Women Who Find A Lantern On The Beach
And End Up Being Turned Into Myn,
2) Tips on Proper Techniques For Saying The
Entire Alphabet Li One Belch,
3) How To Discreetly Leave The Seat Up And
Miss The Toilet Altogether,
4) Why Letting Another Myn Beat You At
Even The Mostlnsignificant Of Games Means
He Has The Bigger Penis.
When asked if they were concerned about a
public backlash on such sexist material, the
432 editor pointed out that printing sexism
was just a simple flexing of the muscles of
freedom of speech, not unlike printing erotic
gay literature to make the public more aware
of safe sex.
"We're making the public more aware of .. .of,
uh...um..."
Anyone interested in writing for the all-myn
issue is welcome to come to a planning session at 5:30 on Thursday at the Physics Society, which is commonly held to be the most
sexist society on campus (owing to the fact
that 90% of me male!! in Physsoc are afraid of
women). The strategy will be planned there,
over beer-chugging races, and high-five practises. All writers are expected to contribute at
least one stereotypical sexist comment, examples of such, for beginning myn:
1) Hey babyyyyyyyy!
2) The feminist movement would run much
better if a MYN was in charge!
3) Well, at least I can write my name in the
snow.
When asked if the w omen Executive of SUS
would object to such a blatantly sexist issue,
the editor replied, "Oh heck no, they 're a good
bunch of gals. Could you go make me some
coffee?"
Elections delayed
SUS Executive elections ended Friday, March
8, but as of press time, the election results
were not available. Normally, ballots are
counted immediately after the poll booths
close, but irregularities in the campaign have
forced the Elections Commissioner Christopher Sing to delay ballot counting until the
irregularities could be resolved.
Elections Commissioner, Christopher Sing,
said,in a brief statement, "We are presently
investigating a candidate's campaign. There
have been allegations of irregularities and
there has been evidence presented. Before the
ballot counting can itake place, these irregularities must be investigated. These allegations, if proven true, may result in the disqualification of that candidate."
Due to the sensitivity of the issue, no names
were given to The 432. However, full details
of the investigation, if irregularities are found
to have occurred, will, be available for the next
Practical joke by
Ubyssey on
Physsoc backfires
(Physsoc) The Ubyssey and the U.B.C.
Physics Society are at odds over a prank by the
newspaper that targeted Physsoc as the unlikely victim.
The Ubyssey, in their Friday March 1 issue,
ran a joke article about GST rebates. In it,
students were given three phone numbers to
call, for further information. One of the
numbers was 228 3116, the phone number of
Physsoc.
"We got phone calls at all hours," said
Physsoc President Caireen Hanert. "I don't
know what the Ubyssey has against us, but
they deserve everything they got."
Physsoc, throwing the joke back in the face
of the Campus Rag, directed all members to
Phone-Link all inquiries to the Ubyssey, effectively making the Ubyssey the target of
their own joke.
Mike Hamilton, a Physsoc member said
taking the phone calls went from a frustrating
task to a hilarious venture. "We'd make up all
sorts of things. We'd tell them that they had
two hundred dollars coming and that we'd
transfer them to the head office so that they
can get their money quickly. Then we'd transfer diem to the Ubyssey office."
By Friday, Physsoc, who has kept track of
the number of callers, claimed to have transferred 118 calls to the Ubyssey offices. "People
are really stupid, that's all I can say," said one
member of Physsoc who did not wish to be
identified. "We were answering the phone by
432 Poll
Let us know
what you think:
Are Ubyssey Staffers
a) lizard-like amphibious thingies that
should be boiled in oil.
b) champions of justice,
free speech, and the
preservation of respect
for ALL races, sexes,
sexual persuasions,
who should be boiled in
oil.
c) they should be boiled
in lard.
Operators are standing by:
phone in your vote: 22301
(822-2301), which is definitely NOT the phone number of the Ubyssey offices,
but an accredited Gallup Poll
Association that just happens
to have the exact same phone
number as the Ubyssey.
The 432
March 13,1991 Let's tafias/lop
I have just stumbled upon a couple of incredible business concepts which will make
some lucky enterpreneui very rich. I'll tell
you all about it, but first, allow me to give you
a bit of background. Let's take a quick quiz:
Your spouse wants you to enlighten you on
the benefits of recycling, and so she has put
a box under the sink for recycling note
paper. Do you
a) think it is a good idea and make an honest
effort to recycle your paper,
b) yell at your w ife for being manipulative and
you can damned well do whatever the hell you
want with your paper even shove it up your
nose,
c) refuse on the grounds that taking shots at the
waste basket across the room is cardio-vascu-
lar activity and besides it's the last quarter
with two seconds left and the score is tied.
That was for the men, by the way. The
women get their own sexist question in a
second. Now, if you answered a, then give
yourself one point. If you answered b, then
you can stop reading right here, because obviously you are to damned hostile to listen to
anything I have to say. But if you answered c,
then you are the only one who isn't lying.
Now for the women:
The only thing more important to me than
Shopping is
a) breathing
b) more important?!?
c) there's something more important?
d) I'm not answering this damned sexist
question.
If you answered a, give yourself a point. If
you answered d, then you can stop reading
right here and go and try to get that sexist pig
to recycle his paper.
Great. Now ad up your score, divide by the
speed of light, and write it down, backwards.
Then you can leave the room for being so
Top Ten Reasons To Go To
The SUS AGM Tomorrow
10. Fritos, Fritos, Fritos!
9. If it gets boring, we'll break
into a game of Twister.
8. Participate in the group
critique of the chopped carrots.
7. Saddam Hussein to peddle
Amway products.
6. Catherine Rankel, SUS
President, to play accordion.
5. If Dean McBride sees his
shadow, then six more weeks of
winter.
4. Join in rousing ditty of O
Canada to be accompanied by
Catherine Rankel.
3. Radical Beer Faction to
compete with Teaching Excellence Award Nominees in Boat
Races.
2. Arts-Free Zone.
1. Suprise tanking of Dean
McBride.
obviously gullible.
Now that I have sneakily used Survival Of
The Fittest Techniques to isolate you potential entrepreneurs, here comes my idea.
Everyone see where I'm going? Women
have primal urges to shop. It is a base instinct
to try on new dresses. It's true. Psychologists
have observed that large groups of rioting
women can be instantly calmed by simply
waving 20% off signs.
I understand that this sounds sexist, but the
truth of it is that scientifically sound research,
of which I did just the other night, while
shooting wads of paper at the garbage can,
supports me on this one. It is but women
nature.
Now here's some man nature: Men enjoy
shopping EXCEPT if it is with a woman. Then
it becomes a fate worse than death.
She: What do you think of this dress?
He: It's fine. Buy it. Let's go.
She: Buy? Who said I was going to buy
anything? I just want to try them on.
He: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
She: I'll just try one dozen more?
The scene is repeated day in and day out.
You think that the clothing stores would provide seats for the poor males who must wait
for their dearly beloveds to try on that one last
off-the-shoulder-dress. Eventually they stand
out in the middle of the shopping mall and
throw balled up wads of paper at the potted
plants.
A fate worse than death. I swear.
Judge: I find the defendant guilty on all ninety-
seven counts of first-degree murder. Does the
defendant have anything to say before I pass
sentence?
Defendant: I didn'tknow the gun was loaded,
your honour.
Judge: I hereby sentence the defendant to go
shopping with a woman for twelve hours.
Defendant: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Defense Lawyer: Your honour, I must protest
such cruel punishment!
Judge: Hmmm...you're right. We'll make it
six hundred years at hard labour with chance
for parole in four hundred.
Defendant: Oh, thank you, your honour!
Victims' Relatives: MAKE HIM GO SHOPPING!
You'll notice that I said men hate to shop
with women. Men enjoy shopping, when they
do it alone, or when they're buying power
tools. Which brings me to my first entrepreneurial insight: Have Power Tool/Clothing
Shops. Women can get the pants they need,
and men can check out the Roto-Tillers. Sound
perfect?
Actually, it isn't all that perfect, because
men tire of shopping infinitely faster than
women, so eventually, they'd be standing
around throwing wads of paper into the septic
tank cleaning device. If you want to improve
on the concept, you must give men TOYS. Let
them test drive the Roto-Tiller. Have a patch
of thick dirt in the corner to run the Roto-Tiller
back and forth over.
And this brings me to my Sure-Fire-Can't-
Fail-To-Succeed-Entrepreneurial-Idea. We
have isolated men and women's needs and
likes. Women like to shop. Men would sooner
have root canals. But men DO like to shoot
rolled up balls of paper at things, and they like
power tool toys. So here it is:
You have basketball courts in the center of
every clothings store, with balls of paper
scattered about, and wastepaper baskets at
either end. The men then cangetinalittle one-
on-one, while they wait for the women. This
in itself is almost enough to keep the men
preoccupied until the women are ready to
leave, but not quite. So we need to give them
more toys.
Give them those little John Deere Tractor
Lawn mowers to ride around on while they
play one on one. It's be a cross between
mechanized polo and basketball. It would
keep men happy forever.
There. I don't want compensation from
anyone who chooses to use this idea to get
fabulously rich. I just want you to tell me
where it is so I can go there next time my
Sweet Baboo gets it in her head that she
simply needs another belt - one that doesn't
clash with Arbor Day Celebrations
In Ten Words or Less
by Ed Short
/?k
(In Ten Words or Less is a regular column by
Ed Short, master of Precis, who presents
political opinions in ten or less words, not
including the title)
In Response to the Well-
Meaning but Completely Misguided Criticisms Levied at Me, Ed
Short, That are to the
Effect That I am Cheating By Not Restricting
the Length of the Titles
in My Much Acclaimed
"In Ten Words or Less"
Articles (Namely This),
by Ed Short (Namely
Me), and That By Not
Doing So, Or Doing So,
Whichever Way You
Want to Look at It, I am
Expressing My Ideas
More-So in the Title
Than In the Text, and
That I5 Ed Short, the
Prince of Precis, am
Thus Circumventing the
Entire Ten Words or
Less Criteria, Criticisms
That I, Ed Short, the
Sultan of Succinct
Summary, Hasten to
Point Out, Are Made By
Poeple Who Obviously
Know Nothing of the
Fine Art of Precis Writ-
ing, People Who
Couldn't Summarize a
Fortune Cookie if Their
Mother's Life Depended
On It, People Who Do
Not Possess Even an
Inkling of the Sort of
Sales Manager
for SUS for the 91/
92 School year.
Total control of
purchases & marketing.
5% cash commission + 5%
clothing commission on
gross sales.
See Dean Leung at
Chem160
Ahem...
Happy Birthday to
youuuuu.
Happy Birthday to
youuuuuu
Happy Biiiiiiirthday
dearrrrr... uh....
dearrrrrrrr....(Ari)
ARIIIIIIIIIIIIII	
Happy Biiiiirthdayyyyy
tooooooo youuuuuuuuu!
(And many morrrrrre...}
This message brought to you by the
Committee Against Birthday Songs Being
Sung by Overworked Editors at Three in
the Morning (CABS BSDEOM), Let this
be a lesson to those of you considering
missing a deadline. We'll sing to you.
Razor Sharp Precise
Thought Abilities
Needed By People Like
Me, Who Can express
Ideas More Simply and
Clearly Than Those
Other People I Mentioned Before Have,
People Who Do Not
Know As Do I, Ed Short,
the Tycoon of Taciturn
Trenchant Tight-Knit
Text, How to Avoid Im-
perspicious Opacity and
Unnecessary Repitition,
Redundancy, Reiteration, and Repitition,; To
Them, and To This, I,
Ed Short, The Pithiest
Man in Canada, Respond Thusly:
I'm sorry, what was the question again?
The 432
March 13,1991 Ed Short's Condensed
Notes on the Classics of
American, European, but
not Canadian Literature
(Although, You Would
Think That a Canadian
School Would Include
Canadian Literature In a
Core English Course For
Canadian Students, But
Then Again, Are. There
Any Canadian Classics in
Literature, Other Than
Farley Mowat's Owls in
the Family) For English
100 Students
by Ed Short
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
A man gets rich. He fools around with another man's wife. He runs over someone. He
dies.
Hamlet by William Shakespeare
A Danish prince mopes about.
Macbeth by William Shakespeare
Macbeth kills the king then gets killed by
Macduff. Three fat witches make occasional
appearances and boil things,
The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger
A mixed-up kid gets booted out of school. He
tries to get laid. He goes nuts.
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
A family moves to California and doesn't
have much money.
Webster's Dictionary by Noah Webster
and various permutations thereof.
The Holy Bible
Stop it.
Questions For Dan Quayle
Onomatopoeia doesn't sound like anything.
They should have called it Boomomatopoeia
or maybe WhacketyWhacketymatopoeia.
A palindrome isn' t. Maybe they should have
called it a palindromeemordnilap.
And monosyllabic has too many syllables.
What about "Woe is me?" Isn't it grammatically correct to say, "I am woe?"
What religion are Church's chickens?
If Wonder Woman's plane was invisible,
how in the heck did she ever find it? What
about the bugs on tlie windshield? We'd see
them.
What is succotash suffering from?
Mars B ars taste nothing like Mars, I'm pretty
sure.
What is a tat and v,'here do I go to exchange
them?
What does a stitch in time save nine of? How
exactly do you put a stitch in time?
How sick do you have to be to be as sick as
adog? What isadog as sick of? What if you're
almost as sick as a dog? Then are you as sick
as a buffalo? How sick do you have to be to be
as sick as a camel?
How happy do you have to be to be as happy
as a clam? How do we know that clams are so
happy? They don't hold parties. They don't
have glee clubs. They just sit there, sucking in
sea water.
Where do Disks drive to?
And slides don't.
What the heck does droppping an eave have
to do with overhearing someone's conversation?
What's so easy about an Easy Chair? Why
are regular chairs more difficult? And what
about Love Seats? They're too small to be
called that. Maybe they should be called Neck
Seats, or Hold Hand Seats.
Where in the world did they come up with
the word "snot?" I mean, "mucus" doesn't
even vaguely resemble the word "snot." Was
someone killing time, one day, listing new
words for mucus. Which makes me wonder
why he chose the word "booger."
Why do they call our zippers "flys?" They
don't fly - they zip.
Why do people launch complaints? Does it
involve a countdown?
Special thanks to the contributors: Michael
Mew, Brendan Whelly, Mark Hoenig, Aaron
Drake, Dono Hitchen, Amar.
SUS Year End Clearance Clearout
"CZfo (Booger Sate"
On sale,
March 20-28
Package A
White Sweathsirt - UBC Shield
(reg $19.25)
Navy Sweatpants (reg $17.25)
Sale Price: $25 (reg $36.50)
ILfflslt
Package B
Navy or White Pullover (reg $37.50)
White Sweatshirt-UBC Shield
(reg $19.25)
Navy Sweatpants (reg $17.25)
S.U.D.S. T-Shirt (reg $5.50)
Sale Price: $50 (reg $79.50)
Sales Booths in SUB, tvesbrook, Hebb, Chem, Wood 10:30 - 2:30 pm
Televlsation and the AMS
Amidst all the recent kerfuffle about remodelling the AMS, its student council, and its
executive seating arrangements — subjects
far too difficult and controversial to detail in
full scope — many students have become
confused over the precise nature of the proposed changes. Many others have seen fit to
venture their own irredoubtable opinions on
the matter, and still more have missed at least
one night's sleep from worry.
By far the most significant change proposed, however, and certainly that which has
provoked the most debate, is the potential
televisation of the AMS. Its proponents cite
authorities from Marshall McLuhan to Aristotle to Fred Rogers, while its protesters wave
angry pickets and decry the impending collapse of a majestic tradition.
Ever since the AMS was founded, television cameras have not been permitted inside
the AMS Council Chambers: in order adequately to cover a meeting, the media has had
either to hire courtroom sketchists at exorbi
tant rates or, as it did during the 1990
nEUSlettre scandal, disguise its cameras as
giant ferns being brought in especially for the
occasion.
"They don't like all the extra hassle of
gluing and ungluing leaves from their equipment," said Maurice Mainnoir, president of
Students for the Televisation of Underpub-
licized Council Chambers Operations. "If we
opened Chambers to cameras, the media would
sit up and take notice whenever we as students
take an important stsind."
Mainnoir said that Rogers Cable 4 has already expressed interest in carrying AMS
meetings on its Fraser Valley lineup. "They
did a profile of Kurt Preinsperg last October,
and the response was so good they want to do
a silhouette of Wendy King this year. But her
office doesn't have any windows, so without
the use of Council Chambers they're stuck."
Sylvia Schwarzhsind, a first-year Science
student who heads Students for the Termination of Underproduc tive Council Kibitzing,
disagreed. "Most faculty reps don't even sit
up and take notice when the food arrives," she
said. "And does anybody actually watch
Rogers Cable 4? Except for the wind speed
and ferry schedule, I mean."
A spokesperson far Rogers Cable 4, Char-
lene Chyomruka, clarified the station's offer
to broadcastmeetingii. "Youhaveno ideahow
Wednesday nights. When we heard about the
AMS's offer, well, we just snapped it up."
Televising the AMS would have more benefits thanjustincreasedoff-campus awareness,
Mainnoir said. "Wednesday night is Pit night,
and playing a live feed from upstairs on the
wide-screen TV would spark student interest
like that! Apathy just wouldn't be a problem
anymore."
Mainnoir suggested drinking games like
Pick-fhe-Arts-Rep-to-Open-Their-Mouth-
out-of-Turn-Next and Abstentions Roulette,
and even a Dan-Quayle-of-the-Week raffle in
which people would guess which Council
member would come up with the meeting's
most inane comment. "It would certainly enliven the Wednesday night atmosphere, I'll
tell you," he said.
One AMS Council member, who asked that
her namenotbe released, decried the changes.
"If the AMS went public, then not only would
meeting agendas get longer as everyone
brought up her or his own pet idea, but there'd
be people clamouring to get on Council at the
faculty rep position! Half of us would never
have been acclam — I mean, elected!"
Schwarzhand said several significant studies show supplying such satellite service so
suddenly suspends student societies' shenanigans, soon subordinating superior standards.
Stylistic subterfuge supersedes substance, she
said.
But Mainnoir cited the identical papers to
show that since UBC's student union never
accomplishes anything of note anyway, it is
ideally suited to immediate televisation.
"What's a student society for if not entertainment?'^ said. "Why did wepay$39.50if not
to help us have fun? And if we can't even get
our entertainment dollar-value in the comfort
of our own home, why have an .AMS?"
Mainnoir also said that CiTR campus radio
might eventually take over previously installed
cameras and branch out into television itself.
"Once this thing gets going, there'll be no
stopping it. An AMS-run on-campus TV station in conjunction with the Film Department
— hey, stranger things have happened, and
when you think about it, it sure beats Rogers
Cable 4." Mainnoir, an Arts student doing a
double major in Rhetoric and Political Science, plans to write a 'Televisation Manifesto" for his fourth-year thesis.
Chyomruka confirmed that some people do
indeed watch Rogers Cable 4 for other than
the wind speed and BC Ferries information.
She offered to moderate a live panel discussion on the subject next Thursday morning.
You can catch David New in action about
campus, spreading his radical views like fire
on a prairie. For instance, David's lates pet
vendetta is to establish an International Commission to spell honor with a 'u\
The 432
March 13, 1991 Comi,*"%t5lri
by Ari Giligson
"The Ubyssey" has become an emotionally charged phrase here at UBC. Almost
everybody who has read it has an opinion
about it. Those who are considered "left
wing" on campus generally have positive
things to say about the Ubyssey. Those who
are "right wing" on campus are generally not
as complementary of our school paper (by the
way, I am considered right wing around here
but that label quickly changes the moment I
leave campus).
In the opinion of the editors, writers,
and other assorted staff, that hang around
SUB 241K, "the Ubyssey" is: l)The voice of
the students to the Administration and general
public, 2)The "official-opposition" to the AMS
council, 3)part of the "free press" - yet unlike
most papers run as a "democratic collective",
4)A journalism school (since UBC does not
have an academic journalism school, and
5)Able to support itself on advertising revenues without the assistance of any AMS subsidies (almost)
In the opinion of much of the AMS
council and many students that do not spend
most of their time in the north-west corner of
campus, "the Ubyssey" is: 1)An unwelcome
image of students that is portrayed to the
public, 2)So devoid of any creative talent that
all its writer can do is always gripe and moan
abouthow bad things are without ever proposing real solutions, 3)Concerned with issues
that have very little bearing or relevance to the
lives of students. 4)Run by a bunch of hypocrites who point their collective fingers at
people in student government as resume sniffers but are only too happy to use their experience on the paper to get a job at a regular
newspaper when they graduate, 5) A strain on
funds which should be used to encourage
student activities concerning all students -
"why should I fund their journalism school",
and 6)Unable to survive on their own since the
AMS pays them to run 1-2 pages of AMS ads
per issue.
Yes, "the Ubyssey" is offensive in
many respects to some students. But, after all
if it weren't offensive, if something in it didn' t
make you mad every time you read an issue
would you read it at all? If they manage to do
or say things that piss us off then that is good.
If we are complacent all the time then are we
really thinking about what is going on around
us?
The price that the AMS pays is probably worth just the letters section alone (where
people tell why they are pissed off at something that they saw in "the Ubyssey"-usualiy).
As for the charge of not promoting student
issues and reporting on student events, It is
impossible to represent a limited audience
event to such a large audience as UBC students in general. If Nursing is having an event
how many people in Forestry are really interested?
Perhaps what we ought to have in
addition to "the Ubyssey" is for the AMS to
encourage smaller groups such as constituencies (Science, Arts etc.) to produce their own
publications. This encouragement would be a
per/person, per/circulation grant of money
plus some other enticements to actually motivate publication. These "regional" publications would contain material of interest to the
target group alone as well as outside articles
about AMS, grad class, Alumni, etc. events.
Hey, its worked with the 432 and we used our
own money.
Goodol' Ari. Always thinking of ways to help
the 432. Just last week he offered to sell one of
his kidneys to pay for a 12-page issue. Really.
But the black market wouldn't take it until he
had the "mom" tattoo removed from the frontal lobe.
That's Trivial
by Tanya Rose
Hello again! In honour of the fact that over
half a million people gathered in Moscow last
week to call for Gorby's resignation, we
thought we'd do a column on those pesky
Russians. Good Luck!
Theme: The Cold War
1-10: Easy      1 point.
1. Who succeeded Roosevelt as President?
2. Where was the first atomic bomb detonated?
3. Who labelled Russia as "the Evil Empire?"
4. What countries precipitated the fall of
Eastern Europe by allowing East German
refugees to cross their borders?
5. Who coined the term, "Iron Curtain?"
6. What was the Super Bomb?
7. What did Star Wars refer to, in the Reagan
years?
8. What was the term given to overzealous
communist witch-hunts that occurred in the
fifties?
9. What war, pitting Communists against
Capitalists, began June 25,1950?
10. Who were the two leaders between Bresh-
nev and Gorbachev?
11-15: Medium2 points.
11. What physicist headed the Los Alamos
Project, then later had his security clearance
removed because of his outspoken views
against the H-bomb?
12. When was Sputnik launched?
13. To whom did Kruschev say, "We will bury
you."?
14. Who was the infamous foreign minister
under Stalin during the war years?
15. Who was the American pilot of the U2
shot down over Russia in 1960?
16 - 20: Difficult 3 points.
16. Who wrote "The Long Telegram" which
revolutionized American foreign policy, in
the late forties?
17. Who succeeded Stalin?
18. What treaty allowed the Russians to get
out of World War I?
19. Who was the Secretary of State during the
Cuban Missile Crisis?
20. Who wrote, "Imperialism: The Highest
Level of Capitalism"?
Bonus Question
The phrase, "We will bury you," said by
Krushchev, is incomplete. What was the rest
of his sentence that was not reported in the
press?
answers on page 7
A Note to Aaron Sanderson,
Eng Fizz 3, who wrote in to
criticize Tanya's last column:
Aaron Sanderson sent in a three page letter in
which he criticized no less than 9 of the
questions and answers of the last column.
While the whole of the letter cannot be printed
here, we thought it best to at least respond to
a few sections of his letter; all excerpts are as
is, without any editing:
What is the shortest unit of length?
Tanya's answer: 1 attometer
Sanderson's profound reply: What a stupid
question. What's to stop me from making up
my own unit of length or even just creating
new prefixes.
Tanya's rebuttal: First of all, all questions
should be followed up with question marks.
Second, it should be implicit in the question
that the it refers to units of length - standardized, accepted units, justified through International Standards, not arbitrary figments of
one's imagination.
Who was the first man on the moon?
Tanya's Answer: Jim Plunkett
Sanderson's profound reply .Thefirst menon
the moon wereArmstrong andAldrin. Doesri t
anybody even read the article before publishing'!
Tanya's rebuttal: Perhaps you should get that
bug removed. That's Trivial has quite often
given joke answers for questions that obviously everyone knows the answer to. A few
issues back, we printed that the capital of
Canada was Williams Lake. Where were you
for that one, or did we pull a fast one on you?
This is reminiscent of last year, when we
printed that Vancouver was first settled in
1976, and someone became quite upset over
the fact that GODDAM IT WE WERE
WRONG ABOUT THAT.
I mean, really...
What was the bloodiest battle of all time?
Tanya's answer: The Battle of the Somme
(1 030 000 dead)
Sanderson's profound reply: The bloodiest
battle of all time was The Battle ofStalingrad,
with approximately 2 100 000 people dead.
Tanya's rebuttal: Once again, it is implicit in
the question that we are referring to military
deaths. There are two justifications to this: 1)
We asked for the bloodiest battle, and the
military has a record of regarding civilian
casualties as collateral, and not significant to
the battle itself. Thus, statistics on battle deaths
will list soldiers killed in action. 2) Estimates
of civilian casualties from a battle is, at best,
vague, and sometimes even arbitrary. It is
next to impossible to separate deaths from the
battle and deaths from other causes, and which
deaths can be considered to be attributed directly to the battle itself. The only hard statistics come from military casualties and must
therefore be the only ones that are valid. Nice
try, good point, but your objections are
INVALID.
More of Sanderson's Manifesto: "Well, let's
see, Tanya scored24 out of35,69% I suppose
that wouldn't seem so bad (well.at least for a
science student) except that the test had no
time limit, any books were allowed, and she
wrote the questions...See, this is what the
faculty of Science was made for, 70% types.
Anybody with real marks went into engineering, and anybody with REAL marks went
entered the hallowed ranks of ENG FIZZ
Tanya's rebuttal: I counted ten grammar and
style errors in that last passage. Are you sure
you had the marks to make it in Science?
I have to wonder how I scored 24 out of 35,
considering that there were only 20 questions.
This seems to refute your hypothesis that
Engineers are smarter than Science students -
science students can count. Also, 24 out of 35
is 61%, not 69%. This, again refutes your
hypothesis. Science students know how to do
arithmetic, or at least how to operate a calculator.
What can I say? Thank you for your worthless input I'm sure you'd have come down in
perso to discuss the last column if you could fit
your ego through the door. Good luck on your
supplemental.
The 432 welcomes all input and criticisms, but reserves the right to go hog
wild.
Secrets of a Summer Information (Deski
Last Summer I was given the opportunity to
meet a lot of people and have a lot of fun as the
Summer Information Officer for the AMS.
For those of you unfamiliar with the position
or those of you interested in applying for the
position yourself this year, the job involved
coordinating an information desk in SUB from
May to August and being an official representative of the AMS for visitors to the university.
This job was without doubt one of the most
enjoyable and enlightening experiences of my
life. Not only did it allow me to learn a lot
about the history of the university and the
individuals who strove so hard to build it, but
it gave me a clear indication of the stupidity
level that exists within our community.
During the summer of 1990, the Summer
Information Center answered almost 9000
telephone and drop in enquiries. To my chagrin, the most often asked questions were
NOT: 1) How can I find out about the development of this beautiful facility? 2) Where
can I go to see the best view of the mountains?
or 3) Ho w do I go about becoming a student of
this remarkable campus? Rather, an informal
poll indicated that I was most often answering
these questions:
1) Where are the washrooms?
2) Where is the nearest bank machine?
3) Where can I find that nude beach
(wink,wink, depraved chuckle)?
Although there were a lot of people who had
serious concerns regarding the university and
the services it provided, the inquiries that
remain etched in my mind most were the
absurd and ridiculous ones that caused me to
question whether our drug restriction laws
were actually being enforced. I copied down
some of the most peculiar inquiries and/or
requests that were ACTUALLY made at the
Summer Information Center and hope that
they amuse you as much as they did me.
"How do you spell the word license?"
"How do I get in touch with Dr. Butt?"
(Before slamming the phone and telling the
caller to get therapy I luckily decided to check
the Faculty and Administrative Directory -
this person is an associate professor in the
Psychology Department.)
"Could you help me tie my tie?"
"I'm    Nardwuar    the    Human
Serviette...What's your name?"
"I've got an ecumenical library much larger
than most others - would you like to see it
sometime?"
"My freshly neutered cat has disappeared -
do you know if the university's animal department has anything to do with this?"
"I was attacked by crows while walking to
the Main Library - who should I see about this
matter ? "(When the Campus Cowboys were
called up by our staff, they responded with the
questions "Was she eating a sandwich at the
time?", "Was she wandering dangerously close
to an inhabited nest?", and "DID SHE USE
OFFENSIVELY SMELLING HAIR PRODUCTS?")
"Where is the most secluded area one can go
to to eat vegetables?" fThe day I was asked
this, I made a point of having someone walk
me to my car after work.)
"One of the toilets in that washroom is
making a strange sound - don't you think
someone shouldknow about it?" (The woman
asking this question agreed to leave the information desk ONLY when I assured her that
proper authorities would be notified about the
matter.)
"Hi, Maam. I'm calling long distance from
S eattle and I wondered if you could QUICKLY
tell me how to get to your campus from
here?!?"
"The receptionist at Travel Cuts is satanic -
who should I speak to in order to get her
removed?"
and the number one silly question asked:
"Young lady, how many things can YOU do
with your tongue?"
Now, anyone STILL interested in applying
for the Summer Information Officer position
for 1991 can do so by picking up an information form at SUB 238 and return it by March
15 with an attatched resume.
The 432
March 13,1091 An I
With the
Staff of the Ubyssey.
Loose Canons
We caught the staff of U.B.Cs Campus
Newspaper while they were in a Strategy
Session, deciding on the aim and direction of
their next issue. Present at this think-tank
were Sharon Lindores (Executive Editor in
Charge of Targeting Easily Inflamed Students), Rebecca Bishop (Managing Editor of
Snappy Titles For Letters From Butt.heads),
Elaine Griffiths (Consulting Editor in Charge
of Saucy Stuff' That Just Smacks of Sexual
Connotations), and Timothy Carter (Editor in
Charge ofDonuts and Coffee).
The 432: How often do you hold these: strategy meetings?
Sharon Lindores: These meetings?
432: Yes. These meetings.
SL: What about them?
432: How often do you hold them?
SL: Hold what?
432:1 don't think that's simply incense that
you're burning there.
SL: Yes, it is. The incense makes for a particularly ethereal overtone. It's just incense. Really. Why? Who told you it wasn't?
432: Never mind.
RB: The Walls! The Walls! They're eating
the walls! They don't have utensils!
EG: So, like, are you, like, ready to be interviewed yet?
432: I'm interviewing you.
EG: If you, like, could be any kind of tree,
like, what kind of tree would you be?
432:1 don't think this is -
TC: Would you like another donut with your
coffee?
432: No. Please: The Ubyssey tends to be
criticized for its seeming slant to the left. How
would you respond to these accusations?
SL: Respond to what?
432: To the accusations.
SL: Oh! Right! Well, certain individuals do
hold certain opinions...that sometimes clearly
don' tgo in accordance, um, with, um...(giggle)
I forgot what I was gonna say...
RB: OMIGODI   This typewriter is channeling for Satan! Help me destroy it!
Window: crash tinkle
Typewriter: plunk
EG: How long have you held those clearly
idiotic views on abortion?
432: What?
EG: So you deny it?
432: You 're not lighting another of those things
are you?
SL: You know, you should really try and
relax. Close your eyes. Take a couple of deep
breaths.
432: (deep hreash) (deep breath)
SL: Why did you do that?
432: You told me to do that.
SL: Told you to do what?
432: Take two deep breaths!
SL: (deep breath) (deep breath) Wow! That
was great! Thanks!
432: Oh, this is ridiculous. I'm going to...I'm
going to...um...
SL: Yes?
432: ...what kind of incense was that again?
SL: Jamaican.
432: It doesn't smell all that bad, actually
(deep breath). So, if you could be a tree, what
kind of tree would you be?
SL: A pine. Definitely a pine.
432: Far out. Cisn you elaborate?
SL: A big pine. With bark.
432: What a scciop!
Ed Short's Condensed Notes on Poetry
by Ed Short
How Do I Love Thee? Let Me CountThe Ways
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Hugs and kisses, sweetie.
Because I Would Not Stop For Death by Emily
Dickinson
I almost died, but I didn't
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night, by
Dylan Thomas
Don't die.
She Walks in Beauty, Like The Night, by Lord
Byron
There she was, just a-walkin' down the street...
ShalllCompareTheeto aSummer'sDay?by
William Shakespeare
You're just like a summer's day, but better.
The Passionate Shepherd to His Love, by
Chrsitopher Marlowe
Let's go somewhere and be lovers. I will raise
sheep.
The Nymph's R eply To The Shepherd, by Sir
Walter Ralegh
Get stuffed.
My Mistress' Eyes Are Nothing Like The Sun,
by Wiliam Shakespeare
Let's face it She puts her pants on, like
everyone else, one leg at a time.
TheSecondComing, by WilliamButler Yeates
Bad things will happen. Evil will occur. God, ,.,    ,        u/    . „       ~,  . ~
,    "     .     vv Woodsman.Woodsman, Spare That Tree,
I m depressed. „      ,        „.
i depressed.
The Red Wheelbarrow, by William Carlos
Williams
Beats the hell out of me...
Ban clearcuttin g.
SUS Year End Clearout
The Grimie Sale
—. ^— —„„„*£„™™™™™, ™~ 	
white shorts 100% cotton (2 pockets)
■ $13.50 (reg $15.25) -
Fletcher Sweaters with UBC Shield
embroidery in Navy/White/Royal
CREW
$31 (reg $40.75)
V-NECK
$30 (reg $33.75)
Phonetics 101
"Hi, this is Pat. Unfortunately, the
answering machine isn't home right now, so
after the beep please give me your name,
phone number and a short voice message, and
my machine will get back to you as soon as it
passes the Turing Test."
Ah, the telephone. One might be so
bold as to say that the telephone has been the
single most culturally important development
in human civilization since the opium poppy.
For better or for worse, the phone has imposed
a certain freedom of communication on each
and every one of us. No longer do we need to
actually lift ourselves from our seats, get in
our carts and carriages, and travel across vast
tracts of perilous, untamed territory just to
correspond with terminally dull relatives or
business clients. Where in the past the flow of
vital information, such as horse-race odds,
required people to arm themselves against
ambush by ruthless highwaymen, now I can
phone my bookie or stockbroker from the
comfort of my minimum security penitentiary
cell. It might even be fair to suggest that the
development of the telephone simply undercut the whole Ruthless Highwayman profession, eradicating lawlessness on the frontier
and bringing it into the cities where it has
remained to this day.
Cities! Why here again, we have Mr.
Bell to thank for our modern skylines. One
century ago, entire armies of courier boys, all
well under the legal working age, would run
the streets of New York, some on bicycles,
others being dragged along the cobblestone
streets from behind trolleycars, to hand-deliver messages from business to business.
This system seemed to be adequate until it was
realized that a full half of the businessmen
receiving the messages were actually illiterate. The fate of the original courier system
was finally sealed after a renowned but legally
blind pastry chef misinterpreted an order. He
mistakenly delivered a cake inscribed "Congratulations on The Birth of Your New Baby"
to a highly-publicized wedding reception for
the daughter of a well-knownltalian importer.
In the wake of the chefs disappearance, a number of forward-looking entrepreneurs in Manhattan realized that sometimes
written correspondence failed to capture certain nuances of meaning best conveyed in
spoken conversation. They decided to use
A.G. Bell's telephone on a trial basis, installing self-contained systems inside their larger
factories and offices. This arrangement was
in high demand by upper management who
liked the idea of handing down orders to their
subordinates without actually having to make
eye contact Of course, the ultimate step lay in
the stringing of the entire city with telephone
lines, to connect buildings across town.
In a multitude of ways, the telephone
changed the face of urban living. One of the
most conspicuous of these changes was the
redistribution of birdshit Where as traditionally, New York's pigeon population had taken
to perching on park statues or building ledges,
now the birds had several hundred miles of
insulated cable to sit on, overhanging bustling
streets and sidewalks. In what can only be
described as amiraculous transformation, this
shift in bird concentrations led to the overall
improvement of building facades, and a revolution in women's headwear. Since conducting business no longer warranted always
having quick access to the streets, buildings
began to get taller and would often contain the
offices of several businesses. The skyscraper
was bom! Unfortunately for some, the combination of working on the sixteenth floor,
with the telephone's ability to give you stock
information while you were alone in a locked
office resulted in an accompanying trend in
impulse suicides.
Social change resulted as well. During the nineteenth century, social visits were
often elaborate rituals requiring hours of
preparation, both in terms of travel arrangements, and in the seven-ply crinoline skirts
that typically took a woman three to four
hours to pull on, with the assistance of several
servants. Thetelephonealleviatedthisordeal,
since it was suddenly possible to carry on a
conversation with someone important without
worrying about being on time, or having to
look exactly fashionable, or even being
dressed. As people grew accustomed to not
having to be in continuous agony for the sake
of appearance, the standards of wear progressed so far as to favor the normal flow of
blood to the brain. Women were pleased to
discover that fainting needn' t be a daily event,
and that in actual practice they were in better
shape than the men of their era, who were
largely well, large.Isitjusta coincidence that
the first women's rights movement and the
granting of suffrage in the United States took
place in the nascent Age of the Telephone? I
don't think so...
Of course, these wonderful developments have not been without their consequences. Over the years, the proliferation of
telecommunications technology has made it
difficult if not impossible to attain total privacy at any given time. If you attempt to just
drop out of touch for more than a day or so,
you will invariably find yourself being electronically persued by people who take for
granted that you check in on a regular basis.
Gone are the days where ordinary folk -:ould
forge their destinies in the solitude of the
frontier, a hundred miles in every direction
from another human being, dependant on their
own resourcefulness and resistance to food
poisoning, to carve out their homes, their
existence, their income and the words "HELP
ME I'M OUT OF SUPPLIES" from the very
ground itself.
We are continuously inundated with
information, some of it solicited, most of it
not There are people out there who make a
living selling your name, address and phone
number to other people who make their living
sending you envelopes stuffed with ads for
Time-Life Books' 29-volume set: "Great Air
Battles of the Crimean War." The average
twentieth-century North American will, in
one year, meet and talk with more complete
strangers than your average fifteenth-century
European did during the course of his lifetime.
It is probably because of this great flood of
sociability, exuded by people whom you will
never actually lay eyes on, that the next great
culturally-significant technical development
of our society will be a device that screens
your calls for you, changes the channel during
commercials and instantly turns junk-mail
into fuel for your car, all by itself.
"The press is good or evil according to the character of those who
direct it. It is a mill that grinds all
that is put into its hopper. Fill the
hopper with poisoned grain and it
will grind it to meal, but there is
death in the bread."
Bryant
The432
March 13,1991 Dik Miller, Slavonic Studies
5
Dik Miller, who is now our Eastern Europe
Correspondent, has sent us his first of many
Eastern Correspondences through the Western Union. "The Long Telegram," as it has
come to be known is a shocker to the staff here
at The 432, for it tells us of our surprising
popularity in the Baltic State region. What
follows is an excerpt from Vilnius' most popular Open-Live Newspaper Talk Column, in
which Dik Miller was a guest and took letters
from interested readers, who were curious
about the state of The 432.
Being a columnist in such a fun-type newspaper, I usually get flippant remarks about it,
or jocular letters, that read something like,
You Dik Miller Guy
Your stories in that paper of news is cat's top
banana, you goddam no doubt that. I am but
reading your articles for not six of weeks ago
and I am but yet still full of chuckles. You
goddam bet that you write funny. Ho ho ho!
Tell another story of funniness. Make it about
more penises, goddam you bet!
Your Fan Who Loyals You
How about that? It's praise like that that
keeps me going, let me tell you. But, every
now and then, I do get a serious letter of
concern from A Concerned Reader who raises
very serious questions. For example, here is a
letter that I read just recently:
Dear Sir,
I'm a student at a small mid-western Lithuanian college, and I never believed any of the
stories people would write in your magazine,
but not after the experience I had last week. I
was studying, naked, on my waterbed, when
Whooops! Wrong Letter! Hah hah, how did
that one get in there? The letter I meant to
show you was this one:
Dear Mr. Miller,
I am avid reader of your column in the Four-
Hundred Plus Thirty and Two. I enjoy it for a
great lots, but I notice that you have not to
speak of your penis once in your last at all of
articles. Why is this the truth? Should you not
change your name to Fred?
A Reader Who Has Very Large Concerns
Thank you, A Concerned Reader, for your
concern, but the truth is, there is more to life
than your penis. For instance, there are floor
mops.
"Ahah!" You point out, "Floor mops are
phallic! So there isn't more to life than penises!" But then what about spatulas? Well,
okay, maybe they're phallic, but Vacuum
Cleaners aren't..well, maybe they are. And so
are toothbrushes. But there are lots of non-
phallic things, like newspaper...that is, when
they aren't rolled up...
Hmmmm	
Just kidding! There are lots of non-phallic
things (pancakes, laundry detergent, polar
icecaps) But the truth is, men are obsessed with
their penises. To men, they are their penises.
Just look at all the different words we have for
the penis: there's the d***, the d***, the d***,
the n**** the s****** the t***********
the o****** ******* *****; and, of course,
t}je f****** ************* ****.These are
just to name a few. There is a group of men in
the Kremlin whose sole purpose is to think up
new names for President Gorbachev's penis.
Obsession? No. It's just a good healthy self-
indulgent preoccupation. Remember how dad
would watch the hockey game with his pants-
button undone, and his hand scratching around
down there in arestless sortof way, likehe'd
dropped a quarter in his pants? There was
nothing sexual about that. It was just another
example of A Boy And His Penis. Dad was
just scratching it behind the ears in an affectionate way, as if to say. Hey, down there, I'm
still your pal, even though I'm watching hockey
and not thinking about sex.
It's a Dog's Life
It's true. Men see their penises as if they
were pets. Proof of this is men's underwear. It
has that silly door out the front which serves
only one purpose: it allows our penis to see
where we are going when we are stumbling
around half-conscious in the morning (women,
on the other hand, treat their breasts like they
were their prisoners, and they blindfold them
every morning with bras). This is being very
conscientious towards our penises, because
then they can warn us about danger
Man: grmmmmbbllllbrmbllllll
Hand: Skritch skritch scratch
Penis: Thank you. A little higher, to the left,
yes, right there.
Hand: Scratch, dig, scratch
Penis: HEY WATCH OUT FOR THAT
COUNTER! HARD TO PORT! HARD TO
PORT!
Man: GrmmbbllOudi
Waist: Crunch
Penis: OWWWW!!!
Hand: Scritch scratch scratch
Woman: Do you have to dig around in your
crotch every damned morning?
Penis: Shut up, you old hag! You'll never
understand.
Man: Grmblgrmbl
Women, don't understand. Have you ever
heard of a woman naming her genitals Mr
Happy, or Herman, or some other ridiculous
pet name? Course, you think they'd at least
want to name their breasts(Laurel and Hardy,
Fred and Ginger, "Here comes Wendy and
Ronny and Gorby.")
But I guess it all comes down to differences
between men and women. Men are not complete unless they have their hand down their
pants, scratching around. Women, on the other
hand are not complete unless they are shopping. Shopping Malls, by the way, are devices
to enhance Natural Selection, for only the
hardiest of men can last an entire shopping trip
with a woman.
Woman: Which do you like better? The strapless gown or the off-the-shoulder?
Man: Yawn. Idon'tknow. Idon'tcare. Hurry
up.
Penis: THE STRAPLESS.'GET THE STRAPLESS!
Man: How about the strapless?
Laurel: No way! Those things are hell!
Hardy: I'm with you on this one, Stan.
Derek Miller, our very own BoG'er, is sick
with the flu and couldn't get a column in this
week. We'll consider this our little get well
gift to aid his speedy recovery and to ensure
CHEMISTRY
YEARBOOK
SALES
SjtMWmtgsgflwwIJjB
fc<vi.jmm,.|,ji,;,,i.j,D|.j|,),t.|tJ.
ATTENTION EVERYONE!!
Yearbook orders have been
submitted and will arrive on
Mar. 15.1991 Limited supplies.
Come to RioK222 to reserve
your copy now.
Cost $20.00
(A fresh new column dedicated to filling in
extra space once we've run out of real articles)
A Day In The Life
of A Dog.
7am Wake up with master.
7:10am Master leaves for work. Sit at door
and mourn. Whimper.
7:20am Whimper louder, realizing that Master has left forever and will never come back.
7:24am As long as Master is gone forever,
might as well check out what's in the garbage.
3pm When master returns jump up and down
and try to bite him a lot to show him that you
are happy he has not left you forever.
3:05pm Go for walk with master. Pee on
everything.
3:07pm Meet cat. Cat calls you name. Chase
it and bark very loud to show master how
Good Dog you are.
3:08pm Get distracted by odor from neighbor's rose garden. Dig.
3:09pm Dig.
3:10pm Dig.
3:11pm Dig.
3:12pm Stop digging. Try to remember what
you were digging for.
3:13pm Master throws stick. Chase it and
bring it back.
3:14pm Stick gets away from master. Better
go get it and be a hero.
3:15pm Master pets you and tells you how
Good Dog you are. Bark in his ear.
3:16pm Stick runs away again. Run after it.
Get distracted by dog across street.
3:15pm Smell other dog's butt
3:17pm Other dog probably eats Dr. Ballard's.
3:30pm My tail!
3:32pm Stop chasing tail.
4pm Supper. Eat whatever the hell Master
puts in dish.
5pm Hear a sound six miles away. Start barking.
6pm Stop barking. Whimper. Scratch at door.
6:01pm When master opens door, look up at
him and say "What?"
7pm Guests arrive. Better investigate. Shove
nose into their crotches.
7:15pm Guests seated for drinks and conversation. Begin licking genitals.
7:16pm Finish licking genitals. Look around
at now-silent room and burp.
7:17pm Early to bed, at master's insistence, in
garage. Begin barking at noise from six miles
away.
11:41pm Stop barking. Wonder what you
were barking about.
11:42pm Time to sleep. Turn around in circles,
Get dizzy. Lie down.
11:44pmSleep.
Cat Agenda
for today.
11:00-3:00 Sleep
3:01 Stretch
3:01-6:00 Sleep
6:01:Stretch. Clean butt
6:02-6:05 Sit on master's homework, until he
throws you off. Sit on it again. Repeat until he
leaves. Wonder what in the hell his problem
is, anyway.
6:06 Clean butt
6:07-6:28 Climb onto master's lap. Climb to
master's shoulder. Lean butt into master's
ear. Rub face over master's chin. Get thrown
to floor. Repeat until master storms off.
Wonder what in the hell his problem is, anyway.
6:31 Suspicious looking newspaper on floor.
Attack.
6:39 Get tired. Climb on top of warm TV.
Sleep.
6:40-7:42 Sleep
7:43 Stretch. Fall off TV.
7:44 Look around to see if anyone saw. Try to
look casual. Lick butt
7:55 Master has strange look on face. Go to
DefCon 1.
7:56 Get picked up by master. Go to DefCon
2.
7:57 Master runs bathwater for flea bath.
DefCon3. RED ALERT RED ALERT RED
ALERT RED ALERT RED ALERT
7:58 Fart
7:59 Master puts you down. Crisis over.
8:10 Follow master to kitchen. Master pours
food into bowl.
8:11 What the hell is this crap?
8:12 Check out garbage. Find fish heads.
That's more like it Tear bag open. Garbage
spills onto floor.
8:13 Master begins walking to you. Full Alert.
8:14 Master lunges. EVASIVE ACTION
EVASIVE ACTION run under couch.
8:15 Master renames you a very short word
as he cleans up garbage. Wonder what the
hell his problem is anyway.
8:20 Jump up on top of table.
8:21 Jump from table to top of bookshelf.
8:22 Jump from top of bookshelf to high
ledge. Dangle. Dangle. Pull up onto ledge.
8:23 Sit on ledge.
8:23 Help.
8:24 Scream for assistance. Master ignores
you.
8:25 Keep screaming. Master comes. Swipe
at head. Jump onto head. Jump from head to
bookshelf.
8:26 Thanks bozo.
9:00 Master goes to bed. Wait until master
is asleep. Sit on master's head.
9:01 Fall asleep.
9:02 Fart
W:0^iampieh+*0tfind -iS:g
Answers to That's Trivial
1. Harry Truman.
2. Trinity Site, Alamogordo Bombing Range, New
Mexico.
3. Ronald Reagan.
4. Austria and Hungary.
5. Winston Churchill.
6. The Hydrogen Bomb.
7. SDI - Strategic Defense Initiative (Space-Based
Defense Weapons).
8. McCarthyism.
9. The Korean War.
10. Andropov and Chernenko.
11. J. Robert Oppenheimer.
12. October 4,1957.
13. Richard Nixon.
14. Molotov.
15. Francis Gary Powers.
16. George Kennan.
17. Malenkov.
18. The Treaty of Brest-Litvosk.
19. Robert McNamara.
20. Lenin.
BQ: Richard Nixon, a notorious Red-basher, was
leading Kruschev on a tour of one of their luxury
model homes. In the kitchen, Nixon continued his
boasts, turning to the technological wonders of the
appliances, such as the refrigerator. Kruschev, tired
of Nixon's boasting, told Nixon the the Russians had
massive factories that could put out thousands and
thousands of refrigerators, superior to American refrigerators. The Russians, he said, "Will bury you
with refrigerators."
Sort of takes the bite out of it, doesn't it?
The 432
March 13, 1991 Vfy'Drazvers of^VS
by Catherine Rankel
SUS is going through one of the craziest
times of the year. We've just finished our
executive elections, which couldn't be news
to you. We're in the process of simultaneously
wrapping up this year while trying to plan for
a smooth transition into next year. This year's
council still has to follow through with the
Annual General Meeting (March 14), The
Last Class Bash (April 5) and one last SUS
Sale (March 25,27).
Patrick Redding was appointed Summer
Guide Editor (Summer Guide = timely production which contains, among other things,
the Black & Blue Review which you've diligently completed and submitted). You should
be receiving your copy around the end of June
or the beginning of July. The reason it comes
outsolate is thattheRegistrar'sQfficedoesn't
have the address labels ready until the third
week in June.
As President, I hope I've led Council in a
direction which hits maximized your $10 investment. Often you've brought forward
suggestions which we haven't been able to act
on due to timing or other reasons (special
thanks to the guy who suggested that we have
a tug-of-war on ice...you never know...), but
keep them coming. We're always looking for
new ideas and events to put on. Keep in mind
that year and department rep elections are
coming up in September - a chance for you to
ring your bells at the round table. Think about
it.
Catherine Rankel is the SUS President, and
she is majoring in Weird Back-Country Say-
ings." Ring your be \ls at the round table." What
the hell does that mean Cathy?
%MS 'Brie,
by Trent Hammer
In the past few weeks the gullibility of students has been put to the test by "That other
paper" commonly called The Ubyssey. This
test, hidden under the disguise of a serious
article, promised a special GST rebate for
students. For information sake, comments
were solicited from President Strangeway,
Premier Vanderslam, Micheal Wilson, Bart
Simpson, Elvis Piesly and Her Majesty The
Queen. Students were then given some phone
numbers to call for more information. About
150 students have now passed this test by
phoning one of these numbers, and can be
deemed Gullable beyond belief. Get a clue
people, actual journalism in The Ubyssey
rarely occurs and when it does, David, Bill
and Micheal are never quoted.
This week the AMS executive is doing an IQ
test of their own. The agenda for this week's
meeting contains three joke motions pertaining to the removal of the editor's of The
Ubyssey and their replacement by students
chosen by council. Further into the council
pack, within a set of Joke Minutes for the
Safety and Sanity Committee, the motions
were identified as jokes. It's been reported
that, so far, that representatives from Arts and
the Grad Students; association have been
sucked in and that Svend Robinson, Audrey
McLaughlin and Pope John Paul II have been
informed of this breach of journalistic freedom. Bart Simpson and Bill Cosby, in jail for
a Thursday afternoc n brawl, were unavailable
for comment.
Here's what is hapjiening on Wed.
-council should OK money for recycling bins
-council asking money for a modem and software for computers
Here's what happened last Wed.
-Rosemary Brown chosen for Great Trekker
Award.
Of Machines and Men
by Mark Hoenig
I hate answering machines.
I can't deal with them. Just when I'm prepared to offer a friendly "Hello!" and then
proceed to monopolize the conversation, the
answering machine cuts in with an obnoxious
taped message. These messages left are, as a
rule, so breathtakingly stupid in their attempts
to be witty that they leave me unable to respond for the first few seconds after the beep.
The paradox, in "I'm not here right now,"
never fails to confuse me. I can never remember why I'm calling, what my name is, or
where I live.
Yesterday, I started thinking about what
wretched devices answering machines are and
came to the conclusion that the world would
be a Far, Far Better Place without them. Tp
prove this point to myself I phoned David
New's answering machine, something I normally wouldn't do on a bet. David New is the
former editor of this paper and has the World's
Worst Answering Machine Message. They
inhabitaregionofawfulnessalltotheirselves.
Once I phoned his house and got a six minute
message which contained (I swear to God this
is true) the following passage:
"Radishes," said Myrtle the Turtle. "Radishes."
"Radiators!" countered Horace the Tortoise.
"Radiators."
This was all followed by the sound of a
phone ringing in the background, David
muttering, "Oh Drat. Hello?" After which, I
suppose, one was supposed to have enough
sanity left to leave a coherent message. / hung
up. I still have nightmares about it.
You can't get away with stuff like that in
real life. In real life, y ou would get hit, throttle,
or simply transfixed with a piercing stare. But,
as a caller, you are totally at the mercy of the
answering machine, because you have to endure the message if you want to get through to
the callee.
When I phoned David's answering machine
yesterday, it played three verses of a song
about leaving a mesisage, to the tune of the
theme song from M* A*S*H*, because David
thinks he can sing. Luckily I only called David
to prove my point. QED.
The biggest problem with leaving a message on a machine is figuring out ho w to finish
it. How do you say good-bye to a machine?
How do you say goodbye to someone you
haven't talked to yet? I end up leaving a long
pause and saying "Uh...take care," which always sounds dull and transparent to my ears.
I still haven't giv«9i the real reason why I
hate answering machines. It's because they
have forced me to recognize a very painful
truth about my life: women do not return my
phone calls unless their mothers tell them to.
This hurts.
I used to be able to believe that my calls
weren't returned because the sister/brother/
father/boyfriend who tookmy message wasn't
passing it on, but it's stretching it a bit to
believe that answering machines aren't passing my messages on. Three girls did, in fact try
to use that excuse just this past week when I
confronted them with their failure to call me
back, butl didn't fall for it. It was broken? My
That* 4 »* wayfcwas> Wednesday, Maifcte tt, l«Jt
fhs432 is produced twice nuanrhlyiiy the Science Undergraduate Socjety, Anyone looking
fer s9«(»Qimg: w U»e» resumes to make people $k tg> *ad say, **Wfeoa{ This py's got
goaMcatiossJ Let's hire hint right rtowtwr laea. don't betaer as, Waa wwi& safcmit their
resume to someeme who is lying down, anyway? HCjWEy 1$. if Jfea #ant to write, or type
or fears layout, pasteup and the use of a whole scrnooz-te of differing desktop pufeSshing
p«»pfees»aj», «i CQ&JEON DOWN!
£H8fcft<rfTite4:tt: Chem It$6
Tb«43»
et& £tea» of Seieace    N
S27& fjttft*fsity Blvd.
Vancouver BC
WTiWS
lefcjptoae: 822-4235
Editor. Aaron Ikake
WrlterSAftdCSwtiribtttors; Abioh Drake, Aim Douglas, CatherineRankel, Ari Giligson,
David New, AntoniB. Rozario, Tanya Rose, Mark Hoenig, Dean Leung
Artists? Patrick Redding
Layout and Pasteup: Aaron Drake
Copyjright 1991. AH works are- eopytignted in the aame ^ftheattthotJfftoaam^tSiaffixfid;
i» the *ork, it h sopyrighted in the rmme of Aaron Drake;.
C&-e»Sa&H*>' 4W my mom, «jd artold friend is Trail, BC Hawdy-bi* Scott.
Pnnted by Cofi*|;e Printers.
Asy sij^lsn^sjwwl^^mp^^eidid^parpose, StK8glytteo> I'd wager, ffeaana
fe iatend&i &* my part to my persons. The 432 k. simply «t ttaassuiajag pleasant Ms
Jnanor flsw$pBper„ We try to steer clear of ideology* other than Aooger is a funny ward.
Tfesnfcsto Ajttoofe for J»r*3ee«ptltHiairjrlijHiBy arScfe^Tbaofc yo« Ba rid fivwfwrywr
help with the E&Shart Condeased notes, aad all thai* Ork. Orfe. Ork. Taaaksto those
w&a SBbmrttedtetafclsstie^evett 8H>sga,OBce again, it wasu»derthe wlre-Thaakyou
to all the regular columnists, ©nee again, for their continuing level of excellence.
Thank yw Aaron Sanderson, you gullible target,, yoa. Wane* write in *Bythisg for
ftft tercel That's Trivial?
SUS Year End Clearance
ybu might thin^that this is the Cast chance to
buy Science Clothing, but it's snot!
The final sale:        WMH<S smjpjpUfos
March 20-28 M®§
Sales Booths in SUB, Wesbrook,
Hebb, Chem, Wood
March 25, 27,10:30-2:30
boyfriend rewound the machine? It forgot?
Come one, I'm not that gullible.
Mothers will always pass on my messages.
Mothers like me. They are much superior to
answering machines. No answering machine
will ever say, "Have you phoned that nice,
tall, young man back yet, dear?" How mothers
can recognize me for a nice, tall, young man
even when they haven't met me in person is
beyond me. Maybe I sound tall. The fact
remains, mothers are my friends. Even mothers whose English is apparently limited to
"Jurie not home,"not yet extending to "Hello,"
or "Good-bye," are able to make sure my calls
are returned.
That's why I now only leave messages with
mothers. This becomes awkward when the
woman I'm phoning doesn't live at home, and
is even worse when her mother lives in Glasgow, Belgrade, Lethbridge, or some other
remote, foreign place. "Hello, Mrs Gug-
glfrump? This is Yakushk Gugglfrump's
friend calling from Canada. Could you please
ask her to call me the next time you talk to
her?"
This is always effective, even though the
conversations that follow tend to rather uncomfortably center around the topics of how
dare i phone their mother, what a colossal jerk
I am, and don't I know that Lethbridge is in
Alberta?
Not only do my women friends, colleagues,
teammates and romantic interests (ALL my
romantic interests are female. Don'tget smart.
YOU try phrasing that last sentence) not return my calls, but women in business don't
return my calls. This is sort of strange, because secretaries like me. My rating with them
is almost as good as it is with mothers. Secretaries must not have the same clout as mothers, however, because these calls still don't
get returned. I must resort to drastic measures:
Secretary: I'm sorry, the Vice-President is in
a meeting right now,. Could I get her to phone
you back later?
Me: No thank you, that won't be necessary.
Do you happen to have her mother's phone
number?
Answering machines just plain get in the
way of inter-personal communications. I've
finally figured out how to deal with them,
though. Ready to go in my cassette deck is a
brand new tape, ready for me to play when my
call is next answered by a machine.
"Hi. This is Mark. You weren't in when I
called,so..."
Goodbye.
Mark Hoenig, the standard-bearer for the
RBF, enjoys long moonlit walks, deep
thought, tripping, arm fractures.
The 432
March 13,1991 Science Undergrgraduate Society
Annual
General
Meeting
} * i
* $
iilWurt —»■■■—*■■■*-        ^uuflfluHBiA.
nHn.ii.     n  r if.,./, 1
'   f
*u
SUB Partyroom, at 1pm
Agenda
1. Call meeting to order.
***
2. Introductions -
1990-91 Council members.
***
Sandra Mah - Science Week Coordinator
Rachel Farrell - Sports Director
***
4. Presentation of The 432
Awards.
***
3. Speakers:
Cathering Rankel - SUS President
Representative from the Office of 5. Presentation of Teaching
the Dean
Excellence Awards.
***
6. Presentation of Executive
Awards.
***
7. Adjournment.
***
free ^ood
5\nd (Drinl<i
Open to all Science students, Science
Faculty asnd Staff, and invited guests
Nominated for Teaching Excellence Awards
Physiology 301
Physics 318
Mathematics 320
Biology 412
Chemistry 120
Dr. Maclntyre
Dr. Matthews
Dr. Rosen
Dr. Schofield
Dr. Spratley
The 432
March 13,1991

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