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The 432 Mar 7, 2007

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 VOLUME TWENTY ISSUE SEVEN
7 MARCH 2007
Wm
]§§qjj©s
'In the absence of orders, go find something and kill it.
■Erwin Rommel
UBC Campus Heats Up
That eternal menace of the SUB, Bus Loop and
Buchanan buildings, the Reiki lady, has taken hostile dominion over the entire Buchanan complex
with some recently developed new abilities. Only days
ago, the Reiki lady was thought to be a mere nuisance,
possessing only the powers to annoy and, perhaps, provide placebo warmth. But now the unfortunate citizens of
the Faculty of Arts have realized that this was only a cover
for something much more sinister.
At 11:20 AM on March 2nd, the Reiki lady unveiled her
true power. In a scene reminiscent of Stephen King's "Carrie", her true Reikic powers have come to light. Apparently, years of rejection by students have imbued her with
growth powers, and the ability to shoot fireballs from her
hand, which we wistfully remember as only being able to
spastically move around your face.
Standing near the Clock-tower, the Reiki lady clapped her
hands thrice and began to emit deep rumbling sounds.
Said one survivor, "It was like an earthquake. She started
glowing red and ... Oh, god, it was just terrible."
Apparently, after growing to nearly 11 stories in height
the Reiki lady ignited Buchanan tower. A bystander
caught the scene on camera. Moments later, there was
nothing left of Buchanan tower but a smoldering ruin.
However, several students on campus claim that it is actually now more attractive than it was in its intact state.
SUS too has not gone without loss. Tragically burned in
the Dean of Arts office was President Mike Duncan, who
was found with the remnants of a golf club. His clothes
had been singed away. He remains in critical, but stable,
condition.
The entire Buchanan complex is now the home of the
Reiki lady. She cedes no land to the University, despite
pleas from President Toope for a peaceful solution. The
Canadian Navy has been called in from Esquimalt and
should be arriving soon, assuming all equipment is in
working order. The 432 will have more on this story as it
develops.
Scientists
Unite
The end of our modern government societies is neigh.
Soon, a rise of the Scienctifiate will overthrow our
current government and replace it with a new ideal
where all shall be equal under the laws of the lab. For
those of you reading this that hasn't a clue what Scientifi-
ology is let me explain it to you in a few brief words.
A society guided by Scientifiolgy is a society wherein the
only restriction is the end of our knowledge. A mandatory
two-year laboratory service is required for all citizens
(herby called scienzins) in order to promote new developments in research. Abolition of religion, rituals, and superstition shall encourage a new class system wherein all
scienzins shall not be required to pay taxes but shall
donate brain power to solving large, pointless mathematical equations such as 674: just what e is exactly and proving that 3+2 actually is 6.
Our land shall be run by whoever has the most successful
genes and dance moves and shall be referred to as 'The
Blue Man/Woman'. Currently, Michael Duncan of the
UBC Science Undergraduate Society would be named to
this honourable position of leading the Scientifiological
revolution. However, the Blue Woman/Man shall have
assistance in this task. Who ever can perform the best
pirate accent in the nation shall be named The Admiral
and shall be in charge of the judicial system.
Crime and punishment in Scientifiology is very straightforward. If someone is convicted of a crime there sentence
shall always be the same. All criminals must walk the
plank at the sword point of The Admiral (so aptly named).
Blue Jell-O shall be used as a cushion for all crimes except
falsifying lab data. This is the worst crime one can commit
in a scientifiological society and the offender must walk
the plank onto the glassware from the Chemistry 233 labs
(they are the most broken).
The revolution shall be complete when all current politicians of the country are permanent test subjects in labs,
similar to the archaic lab rats of old. Stephen Harper will
be examined for trace of a soul, Stephanie-sorry Stephane
Dion shall be tested to see how many times a person can
go back on their promises in a minute, and Jack Layton
shall have his moustache shaved and forced to listen to
Coldplay for 10 years to see if lower species are capable of
insanity (he is obviously capable of logical think). The
leader of the Green party, Elizabeth May, shall be left
alone and ignored as she has been by the CBC
Rise up Scientists and embrace the future!
Alex Lougheed
Rcmdomkid
A bne( Vm'^+ov-^ oQ   + Jy*.   violin
^> Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
7 March 2007
Life and Lucky Charms
Volume Twenty
Issue Seven
7th March 2007
Foreword
Colleen Atherton
Epilogue
Cameron Gerald Funnell
J S Lachance
Aminollah Savzervari
Benny Lee
Irene Chan
Tiffany Cheung
The Dental Philosopher
Jamil Rhajiak
Matthew Naylor
Geoff Costeloe
Alex Lougheed
Narrator
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is publication of the Science Undergraduate Society of
UBC. This paper is intended for consumption by Science student; however, we realize that students in
other faculties are equally poor and
equally hungry. Please see page six
for delicious recipes involving this
paper.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and should contain the author's
name and contact information.
Hit us up at: the432@gmail.com
JS Lachance
Chancy MeChancerson
There are a few things that stand out
when I think of early morning routines as a child. Lhe smell of my parents' coffee brewing, the sound of alarm
clocks ringing, the hazy confusion of waking up after a coma-like Neocitron induced
sleep, but the standouts are cartoons and
cereal.
Who can forget Michelangelo's constant
pizza cravings or Egon's encyclopedic
knowledge of the supernatural, I know I
can't. And what better to compliment the
world of robots in disguise and cobra commanders than crack, I mean sugary breakfast cereal, made from real whole grain
crap that tastes like cardboard and saturated, injected, radiated and contaminated
with more sugar than all the apple sauce in
Glucdensclobin, I digress.
Lhe point I think I was originally trying to
lead up to is the hybrid of diabetes inducing cereals and fucked up Saturday morning cartoons. How could we ever forget
(no, seriously, if you know, write the 432
and tell me how, because my therapist is
beginning to become creative with ways to
bill me) those zany breakfast cereal mascots!? Come to think of it, who needs parents when all the life lessons we'll ever
need to know can be taught to us in action
packed 30 second commercials by cartoon
mascots led by Captain Horatio Crunch
and his motley crew of Crunch Berries.
Now just for the sake of clarity, I'm mainly going for the mascots aimed at children
not that schizophrenic excuse for a piece of
cereal that is constantly arguing with himself, the battle of id versus super ego that is
the Mni-Wheats... umm, mini-wheat.
Okay, so let's start with one of my personal favorites, Lucky the Lucky Charms leprechaun. 'What life lesson does he teach
us?' you ask. Something to do with imagination or some cliche about pots of gold
and rainbows? No silly, its that being Irish
sucks cause you're small and addicted to
marshmallows.
How about Buzz, the Honey Nut Cheerios
bee? What lessons can we learn from
watching him tempt children and adults
alike into competition for bowls of cheerios? Well, since he always loses those
competitions, I think the lesson has some-
Everything You Know is
Wrong.
There are four days in a
week. Black is not the new
black. There is no new black.
Helicopters cannot exist.
How could they? What s
wrong with you? Ice is poisonous. Cheese is made of
meat. Thunder comes from
airplanes. Hats go on your
feet. Newspapers are full of
lies. Babies come from
lakes. Nobody drinks milk.
Why would anyone drink
milk? That s disgusting. The
ocean is shallow. Rocks are
soft. Cuts never heal. That s
how people die. Candy is
gross. You can  t read. Fish
can fly. Spiders are cuddly.
Salt is sweet. Time does not
pass. There is no future.
thing with hubris, but that'll never be anything I'll have to worry about on account of
my immense awesomeness.
Next we look at Sugar Bear, the
Sugar/Golden Crisp mascot. He's always
got someone trying to keep him away from
that Sugar Crisp, if its not that old hag its
the watch dog, but he always finds his way
to that honey dipped cereal with his cool
attitude. Lesson: If you're chill you get the
honey.
Loucan Sam of Fruitloops fame is always
telling us to follow our nose. I think the lesson has to do with international finance,
but I haven't worked it all out yet, its deep.
Lony the Liger? Well since he seems to be
mountain biking and skateboarding and
doing all sorts of other so called 'extreme
sports', what I gather is that lots of sugar
gives you lots of energy to do lots of cool
shit.
Alright, I'll be honest, that was all just
filler. (See? I learned that lesson about
hubris, I can admit a fault when its painfully apparent)
Now onto the good lessons.
1. Alpha, the once PC looking, now Apple
looking computer mascot for Alphabits.
Lhe only lesson I can think of is that word
processing is fun and tastes good. I say its
an A-B-C-Dastardly ploy to mold children
into mindless, cubicle loving corporate
slaves.
2. Captain Horatio Crunch. Since we all
know that Cap'n Crunch cereal cuts up the
roof of your mouth, but is also a wicked
slayer of the munchies (a la Half Baked) we
learn early in life, that without pain, there
is no gain.
3. Snap, Crackle and Pop are the three
mascots of Rice Crispies. Snap taught me
one of the most important lessons of all: if
you hang out with retards, you not only
appear but damnit, you feel really, really
smart.
4. Lhe Lrix Rabbit is a sad case. Its an obvious example of the disregard for the physical and mental well-being of the common
people by the ruling class. Despite the fact
that the rabbit clearly harbors a dependency on Lrix cereal, the humans continually
withhold it from him, with little or no
rational explanation as to why. Lhat the
rabbit should endure so much mental and
most likely physical anguish for utterly
arbitrary and discriminatory reasons is one
of life's greatest injustices.
5. Finally we come to Count Chocula. Lhe
terrible pun of a mascot for a cereal so sugary, so chocolate laden, that it might as
well be cocaine for kids. Lhe lesson he
teaches us all comes not from his television
persona or the theme of the ads at all, no,
in order to learn this lesson we need only
to head to our local food-mart and take a
good look at a box of Count Chocula cereal. Do you see what I mean? No? Well, look
closer... yes, there you go, Count Chocula
has only one tooth. Ouch.
A physicist's
reflections on
meeting women
Aminollah Sabzevari
Here comes your man
Here are some general laws, and
conclusions I've amassed over the
years from empirical research,
specifically blind trial and error. Of course
laws have their exceptions, and these are
more humorous conclusions than guidelines meant to be followed, but make of
them what you will.
Lhe laws (meant to mimic thermodynamic ones):
Zeroth Law: Lhere are plenty of fish in the
sea, but not many good ones.
1st Law: If she's good, she's taken
2nd Law: Relationships don't last forever.
Alternate interpretation: the entropy in
relationships often stay the same or
increase over time.
3rd Law: When you don't try, p = 0. When
you try, p > 0
When it comes to meeting women, foresight is a detrimental trait. Lhat's why it
was Epimetheus, not Prometheus, that got
Pandora.
When in an arts course, don't try too hard
to meet a quality girl. Just sit in an open
seat with many potential nearest neighbours and let the high [quality girl] diffuse
them toward your position.
A quality girl can often be recognized by
some of her fashion trademarks: wearing a
scarf in September, wearing high quality
boots all year long, wearing very colourful
clothing OR (less likely) choosing to dress
darkly. An allergic aversion to anything
internet based is sometimes present, but
not always.
A quality girl will never ask you out, but
she may verbally place herself in a situation to be asked out.
Quality girls who are single commonly
wear rings as a measure of pre-emptive
defense in the batesian mimic style.
Mxing women and gaming should usually be avoided. Just because you like two
things, doesn't mean they go well together.
Never spit into the wind.
Never underestimate a blonde.
Randomly pressing buttons works in console games but not with women.
Co-ed floors, even co-ed houses are overrated. Do you really want to get involved
with someone living that close to you?
Probability jokes are just one aspect of a
physicist's charm.
Be nice to every old woman you meet. Old
women often have young daughters.
Karma exists.
Every man has a standard; someone he
compares other women to.
You shouldn't date your standard, that
introduces bias into your system.
Flirting is easy, except when it matters.
Loday's resolve wavers tomorrow.
Every man needs failures to keep his ego
in check.
Lhe physicist with a girlfriend does exist
but it's an unstable intermediate
Physicists enjoy using LaLeX and getting
lucky, but unfortunately that usually just
means getting an article published.
Well avid readers, that's it for now. I'm
not sure if I want to disclose my "half-life
of interest" and other theories just yet. Page Three
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
7 March 2007
A physicist's guide to
using an umbrella
Aminollah Sabzevari
Umbrella Soldier
Using an umbrella requires quite
some skill, especially at UBC. There
are many wind tunnels around
campus, beyond the fact that the normal
wind speeds are often enough to tear apart
an umbrella. Some students have joined
the "anti-umbrella" camp and refuse to use
them (Do not let my admission of this article
fool you. I remain faithfully anti-umbrella and
believe under no circumstances are they acceptable at school, -ed). But it is possible to use an
umbrella at UBC if you utilize the proper
methods.
One has to examine the "wind flux" that
causes the famous umbrella damage. The
flux is proportional to two things you have
control over, the area of your umbrella
(how big it is, the big ones have a lot of
wind flux), and the angle you hold your
umbrella at.
So what you want to do is minimize area.
Go for one of the smaller umbrella's,
unless you need a larger umbrella, which
is useful for keeping your backpack from
getting wet. If you use a smaller umbrella,
you often have to decide whether to cover
yourself, or your backpack, as you can't
completely cover both.
So if you are stuck with a larger umbrella,
the other factor is even more important.
You must learn to tilt your umbrella from
time to time, to avoid catching the full
wind flux. You can tilt it away to minimize
flux, or tilt the front of the umbrella into
the incoming wind. The way an umbrella
is constructed, if the wind comes at it from
top down, it will withstand it much better
than if the wind tries to lift the umbrella
upwards. Of course if you do this, you
have a significant chance of blindly walking into someone else using the same tactic. In that case, work on your apologizing
and/or brawling skills (Try running into me
with that thing. You will be working on recovering from your injuries in hospital, -ed). I've
also found allowing/setting the umbrella
to spin around lessens the wind damage;
I'm not sure if this is merely an angular
effect, or if the circular motion has some
special effect.
The material and quality of the umbrella
also plays a large role. Surprisingly
enough, a $5 silver umbrella I bought from
the SUB marketplace has survived for several years, while I've lost $15 umbrellas. I
think it may be the area effect dominating,
it's quite small, and has less wind flux. The
metal spine is also concentrated in that
smaller area, instead of trying to uphold a
large umbrella with limited substandard
material.
Next lecture on umbrellas, I'll talk about
proper umbrella etiquette in classrooms
and on the bus. Also, how to keep your
umbrella from stinking worse than the
Woodward library stairs.
What Enzyme
Substrate Theory
is REALLY About
Irene Chan & Tiffany Cheung
Hey Ladies! Get Funky!
M
iss S and Mss A were talking
about S's ex.
A: well.... he was the wrong guy. Time to
find a new guy. Not ALL guys are bad.
(insert a girl friend's name here) got one
that's good. I'm sure there are more out
there who are good.
S: It's just that I don't believe in relationship anymore.
A: Maybe it's like enzyme and substrate.,
just need to find the right one to unlock.
S: It's not a matter of finding the right
enzyme or substrate. It's the fact that I
don't believe in the key and lock model
anymore.
A: Well., usually you need a new theory
before you can replace an old one. Either
that., or find more data to prove the theory
is right again. And you're doing neither.
S: I think I'm permanently inhibited.
What's that called? Suicide substrate?
A: Suicidal inhibitor? I think not... Why
disbelief in the first place? Mr. Right's still
out there- You just need an overload of
substrates over the inhibitor concentra-
Horoscopes
Jamil Rhajiak
Horiscoporific
Aries
You know that burning feeling you get
when you pee?...yea..that's not good.
Other than that, your big goals in life will
start to become reality. Given that you
don't f things up like you normally do.
Taurus
Lhe stars are telling me that fame and fortune will be coming your way. Although,
the stars have been a little dim lately, so i'm
probably wrong about that...too much
smog lingering in the air at night. So why
don't you uninsure your car and ride a
bike? and hey, you'll probably  loose that
CAW YOU THROW A &ETTCR
PARTY THAW THf5 GUY?
If the answer is YES, th^rTSUS wants you
(temporarily) as our Social Coordinator.
Come out to our SUS council meeting on:
MARCH 22nd @ 12:45pm
In the: SUB COUNCIL CHAMBERS
To be appointed by council.
clapping noise behind you when you walk
down the street while your at it.
Gemini
A statement can be a loaded weapon if it's
said in the presence of a certain kind of
person. A loaded weapon can also be an
statement if it's held by a certain kind of
person. Just remember, words don't have
the price of life in prison.
Cancer
Remember when you were in CHEM 121
and 123 and you bought the molecular
model set? Well, considering that you're
now in your 4th Year and you haven't
opened it you could probably make 20
bucks off of it right before the CHEM 123
final exam. Say goodbye to loan debt.
Leo
You are very inventive, clever and a forerunner, regardless of the path you choose.
You are all about change and improvements. You are a humanitarian and a powerful persuader. Too bad you don't get laid
a lot.
Virgo
Listening to the h8ers will only hamper
your efforts to pimp all the bitches in the
lower mainland. Your grillz are so bright
they make the Sun jealous and your pants
are so low that your shoes are green with
envy. Keep on rollin' in that Ford Escort
son...Flava Flave ain't got nothing on you.
Libra
Money is tight this month due to the
prices you've had to pay for gasoline.
Lnstead of the trip you have planned for all
year you'll be taking a cruise on the internet surfing to the places you had planned
on visiting. Be sure to grab your digital
camera and take pictures so  you can put
them in your scrapbook. Noob.
Scorpio
Lhis is a time for personal exploration.
Don't be afraid to tell others what you
want, be ASSERTIVE. If those around you
don't want to accept the new you, f
them...they probably wouldn't wanna do
all that freeeeeakkkkyyyyy SHUHrTTT
you're into anyways.
Sagittarius
Lately you've been feeling unloved, and
well...pretty much can't get a rise from no
matter what you try. It's times of desperation like these where you are at your
weakest. But, fear not, times like these
often have the simplest answers:
CHANGE THE BATTERIES IN YOUR
VIBRATOR.
Capricorn
If you think that masturbation is "making
time for you" then you are sorely mistaken. And stop looking out your window at
Gage with a telescope, it's just strange.
Aquarius
You've become increasingly lazy. It's the
year of the pig, but it ain't so you can sit on
your ass. Time to get to the gym, and actually do what you say you will. Oh, and
trim those nose hairs too.
Pisces
You've finally found that special "someone". Cupid has you in submission plus
you love gettin down and dirty with your
hunny bunny. You have similar interests,
facial features, and hair colour. The storms
of your love torn past are behind you and
it looks as if its smooth sailing from here
on. Check your head, your hunnybunny is
probably your l°ng l°st
sister/brother... .ew.
tion... then voila! you'd be able to escape.
S: More like he changed the temperature
or pH, and I'm permanently decoiled.
A: Nah... he's just a substrate he can't do
that.
S: Probability of me having an overload of
substrate???
A: You're just an enzyme with a rather
high Km value XD. Hence... a very low
turnover rate.
S: I was about to say that...
A: Or maybe you're just in less than optimal conditions. You just need to be
plunked into some good conditions and
then you'll be at it again ... and what better
place to find a new substrate than biochem
boy ~ I'm sure he'd know how to fix you
up.
S: gosh... I had one already... bad.
A: I meant the hot one.
S: I don't know about it... considering
how high my Km is..
A: You'll let go eventually
S: fact: if have a high Km, need lots of
substrate to make reaction successful.
fact: I don't have any substrate.
A: You just have to believe in the cooperative substrates binding theory - binding of
one substrate makes binding of subsequent
substrate easier.
The Dental
Philosopher
Presents:
Poor People
are Lazy
The Dental Philosopher
Pearly White
I read a letter in the newspaper today
that made me think. It said that there is
a reason why there are rich people and
poor people in our society: lazy people are
poor, and the wealth gap acts as a
carrot/stick to force lazy people to work
harder, and to stop them from taking long
breaks from work.
And you know, there is a lot of sense in
that. I was just up at Whistler this past
week, and it was full of poor people skiing
on a weekday, when they should have
been hard at work! They stayed the whole
week, too, without doing any work at all.
Some of them told me that they skipped
work to come skiing on a weekday just to
avoid long line-ups at the gondola. That's
the kind of behaviour I've come to expect
from poor people.
Could you imagine if all our hard working citizens used such flimsy excuses to not
work! Our economy would be ruined. All
because of poor people who would rather
go skiing at Whistler, or bum around on
the beaches of Jamaica, than work hard!
Luckily the wealth gap acts to naturally
counter-act such wastefulness.
Until next time,
Lhe Dental Philosopher Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
7 March 2007
SUS Executive
AMS Representative
Clark Funnell
W!
'hat would you do if you had an extra $400 in
your pocket? Maybe you'd buy a new video
iPod, a plane ticket, or throw an epic kegger.
I Unfortunately, you don't have that extra 400 bucks.
I Why? Because those $400 are the student fees you that
I they pay each year to the AMS. In a nutshell, the mandate of the AMS is to support almost every aspect of
student life. The AMS mission statement says their priorities are determined by their members. Those members are you! If elected AMS representative, I will be a
strong voice at council on issues that matter to science students. I will be accountable to
my constituents and will bring any ideas that you have to the table. I will not be afraid to
question the status quo and will make sure that YOUR student fees pay for services that
matter to YOU.
Questions? clarkfunnell@gmail.com
\ Anita Yuk
D!
o you know what goes on in an AMS Council
| meeting? It's a bit hazy to me, but rumour has
it, the meetings are long - really, really long.
Boring? Not so! Long meetings equal lots of important
issues, which is why it's essential that SUS has representatives that attend these meetings. Just like you and
I have student reps working for us, The Science Under-
ngraduate Society needs a voice - three voices actually -
Ito liaise with the AMS. I'm asking for your vote to
make me one of these 3 voices. I've been on a SUS committee and seen how useful it is to be kept current of the goings on of a larger body with
which the committee functions alongside. Ultimately, the actions of the AMS trickle
down to affect you two-fold: as a UBC student and as a UBC Science student. So make
sure to use the extra punch ... (Blurb truncated. I said 150 words. Bitch Please! -ed)
Tahara Bhate
M
JL. t JL\
"y name is Tahara Bhate and I am a 2nd year
student running for AMS Representative. I
.was General Officer on SUS council this year,
I sat on 4 SUS committees, and have proxied on AMS
I council, meaning I know how to get things done in this
larena. More importantly, I have the commitment and
Ithe tenacity to make sure YOUR interests are well projected in the AMS. Some key areas I would focus on
(include lobbying Translink to improve bus service, and
lobbying the university and the government to reduce
debt by restructuring the student loan program, increasing bursary funding and freezing tuition fees. I have dedicated this year to working to make science a better place for
students, be it by helping to organize events, or fighting to improve teaching quality, our
elective options and courses like Chem 233. I have the passion, the dedication and the
drive to fight for ... (Your right to party. Or maybe not, I guess we will never know, cause
Tahara's blurb was too long, -ed)
Tristan Markle
P
eace. I am a 3rd year Cell Biology and Genetics
student running for re-election as a SUS representative on AMS student council.
Over the past year, I have been an advocate for
expanded student services, more fair tuition rates for
international students, grants to mitigate our debt,
affordable student housing as part of campus development, aboriginal rights, as well as exculpating ourselves from the Coke exclusivity contract, and I'll use
my experience to make concrete gains in these areas if
re-elected.
I currently sit on several AMS committees, including the Environmental Sustainability
committee, which is working towards improving composting, boosting fair trade, and
laying the groundwork for a carbon-neutral "eco-SUB" (the new SUB will not be built for
many years, but planning is starting now!).
If you're passionate about these or other issues, I would love your support, but even
more importantly, join us.
For more see: http://tristanmarkle.blogspot.com/
Stephen Yoon
Hi all, many of you probably remember me as
the boy who stood in front of the class and
loudly screamed: "S-C,S-C-I,S-C-I-E-N-C-E.
I'm-Stephen-vote-for-me-for-your-First-Yr-Rep-at-
UBC!" Or the idiot who screamed the cheer while you
were enjoying lunch in the SUB!!!
Yes! here I am again with the new Cheer : "S-C,S-C-I,S-
C-I-E-N-C-E. I'm-Stephen-vote-for-me-for-your-AMS-
REP-at-UBC!"
Can you tell the difference? Yes, This time here I am, taking a step forward, running for
AMS REP. As Unique as my speech, I am willing to try new things! On election day, put
a BIG X beside the name STEPHEN YOON on your ballot! U know, a little change is
good! :)
Maayan Kreitzman
s
cience women and men:
ll'm Maayan, and I'm addicted to policy. In third year
(plant biology, my biggest policy decisions are whether
Ito use a hot/cold DNA extraction, or a phenol/chloro-
'form one. By being SUS representative on AMS coun-
Icil, I will transcend the embarrassment of shouting at
(recalcitrant cells, and debate with entire organisms to
'analyze and change thins at the meta-level. I won't
promise a comprehensive set of policies now, because you're a variable population with
no known mean or standard deviation. What I promise is to use the AMS for all it's are
worth, not just the bare minimum of voting on science-related topics. I plan to plunge
into committees on SUB sustainability, campus development, and academics. The AMS
is our model organism, our tool to build and manipulate to get results we want. Let me
use my enthusiasm to inject it with one ... (The word limit was not a friendly suggestion. It
was an unfriendly suggestion. -ed)
Alex Lougheed
Hi
"i again. I'm Alex Lougheed and I'm running
for a seat on AMS Council. When I sat on AMS
.last year, I began some projects which I can
lonly finish if I'm elected to the council again.
I One such project is having a lottery for beds at the
AMS Whister Lodge during the Olympics. By sitting
on the Business Operations Committee, I have the final
.say in what happens with the lodge in 2010. It should
Ibe affordable housing for students during the games.
I am fighting for a more relevant AMS that prioritizes students' needs. You find the AMS
wastes a lot of time, tooting its own horn, debating policy that does not directly influence
students. This is unacceptable.
I have a lot of experience with the AMS, and know how to work around its bureaucracy
to get things done. Experience goes a long way in this organization. I have that experience. Vote for me!
Maria Jogova
Mi
"y name is Maria Jogova, and I am running for
the position of AMS Representative. Having
.served as the Science One representative on
|SUS council this year, I have become familiar with
I some of the things that need improvement in both SUS
land in the AMS. I would like to address issues of
I accountability and transparency in both organizations
(because the AMS plays a vital role in the lives of all stu-
Idents, and we need to make sure they are run well. I
really wish to address students' concerns, and represent you well to an organization that provides services such as the U-Pass, our Health
Plan, and Safewalk. It is for these reasons that I believe myself to be a worthy representative on UBCs highest order of student government. I hope that you will put your trust
in me to serve you well. Vote Maria Jogova for AMS Rep!!
Solve the riddle!
hint: think about R/S
Benny Lee 7 March 2007
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Five
Elections 2007
Director of Finance
Aaron Sihota
I
f elected as Director of Finance I will:
1) Work closely with SUS constituted science clubs to
ensure they receive adequate funding to support
events that benefit and provide essential services to science students.
i 2) Ensure SUS's accountability towards science students through publicly making available the financial
proceedings of the society, and through the usage of a quarterly budgetary reporting system.
3) As principal loan payments for the Ladha center will be paid off resulting in an
increase in revenue, I will explore the creation of a student initiative fund which will be
made directly available to science students to fund short term projects they feel need to
be addressed
As a SUS councilor for almost 3 years, I have gained a good insight into what are priority areas where funding is required. I also serve as Director of the UBC Student Legal
Fund managing a budget comparable in size to SUS's.
Vote Aaron ... (How can you be the Director of Finance, when you can't count? -ed)
Lois Chan
JL    JLi
s a member of the Finance Committee this past
year, I have gained much experience  and
.insight as to how the finances of this Society is
handled. Yet, as a student like you, I was kept in the
dark for many of the transactions, some of which are
I highly questionable. Of note:
I * As of now, no one is held responsible for the exces-
I sive purchase of Science Jackets, which plays a large
part in putting us close to overspending; and
* Committees have overspent without the expected returns.
My actions as a Director of Finance shall be just and transparent, and shall be accountable to Council and to you. I shall endeavour to do so by keeping Council's spendings in
constant check, as well as maintaining a clear and accessible Budget and accompanying
report, for perusal by all students.
For further details on my platform, please visit http://www.somanyfeet.ca.
Vishal Hiralal
on't be fooled by the picture, I'm actually more
| brain than brawn... Any ways (lol), hopefully I
brought a smile to your face, and would like to
linform all that I, Vishal Hiralal, am indeed running for
|the position of Director of Finance. Why is "Veesh"
[running for Director of Finance you may ask? Though
|l am a 3rd Year Biology student, I have a knack for
[everything that's business related. I have a plethora of
[experience from working as an intern at Telus Communications Inc. balancing accounts for clients, and as
Promotional Representative for NEW AD Media. My experiences will definitely prove to
be vital for this position, which will require for me to maintain a healthy budget and to
effectively distribute funds to the variety of clubs that are part of the SUS. Aside from
being a nerd, hopefully my enthusiasm and positive energy will encourage you to vote
(for ... (For who? I don't know cause your blurb was too long. By one word,    -ed)
Public Relations Officer
Anita Yuk
Mark Berg
w
ithdrawn
(Not only did he neglect to send a blurb, but he
also refused to write me an article. I even asked
nicely.
-ed)
Lawrence Chow
h;
ello Science students. First, I would like to con-
gradulate you on picking up a copy of the 432
to educate yourself on the candidates that will
be serving you. Instead of doing the classic "why I
would be a good candidate", I would like to tell you
my personal reasons why I want to be Public Relations
Officer.
1). I want to make a difference. I feel that by taking on
an executive position at SUS, it will offer me the opportunity and the obligation to oversee change for the better.
2). I want to be more involved. Over this past year as a member in SUS, I have enjoyed
myself so much as a part of the team, I feel I am ready to take on a leadership role.
3). It's fun not only for you, but also for me. I honestly enjoy seeing events for other science students running smoothly.
These are ... (I don't know what these are... Lawrence was too loquacious.      -ed)
Megan Ho
At the end of your undergraduate experience,
what will your degree mean to you? In 30
years, you won't remember your grade on that
pesky midterm, but you'll probably remember when
you and your best friends had a blast at Gladiator, or
when you realized how to achieve your goals at a Science Club's information seminar.
(Experience:
ISUS Councillor (2 years)
AMS Clubs (2) and GK Society Executive
Lmagine/GALA Squad Leader
Goals:
To create a better sense of Science culture and community
Get more students more involved in Science Clubs and SUS events
To make the Ladha Centre and SUS website the centralized go-to points for all Science-
related events, issues, announcements and interactions Dunk Drunken Duncan events!
I have the proven ability, commitment and passion to do this job well and the necessary
SUS and UBC community background. Vote for Meghan! (I'll make all your wildest
dreams come true.)
Director of Publications
m w ^^ •    (Varun's second kick at the can.
Varun Ramraj
Allison Kimberlev Vaz  (I hope you fcwoa;i"MMyMs Vas-
* -ed)
Director of Sports
Polly Kwok
111 can tell you is just simply to vote. Vote for
all the positions in the SUS executives. Yes, you
.should also specifically vote for YES to me :),
Ibut also vote for the other positions. Speak up for your-
Jself just by clicking a few buttons on webct, I'm pretty
Isure you're gonna be there for assignments anyways. I
■will do my best to promote sports and exciting events
I for science students next year. I hope if you have any
suggestions or any brilliant ideas come talk to me! I am
sporty and I've been in SUS for a year, I am motivated
and ready to be YOUR Director of Sports. Thanks.
Exciting World of Elections Continue
on Next Page... Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
7 March 2007
President
Mike Duncan
H
ave you ever wondered what it is like to be
painted entirely blue?
|Well so did I. It was this curiosity that led me to dis-
I cover SUS: a place where my blue love could grow. I
have participated with SUS for three years as President, Public Relations Officer and Psychology Rep.
Last year one of my campaign promises was to ensure
a more involved SUS council. With the help of my
executive, this has become a reality. SUS councilors are taking on their own initiatives
and are working to improve the society.
One of my plans for this coming year is to ensure that we take steps to be more applicable to students. I will work with the society to ensure this goal is met by taking full advantage of the new Ladha Centre.
For some of my other initiatives and contact information please visit www.michaeldun-
can.ca
VP External
Jamil Rhajiak
Hi
"ey everyone,My name is Jamil Rhajiak and I
KNOW that YOU will vote YES for me in the
.elections. So why should you vote for me?
(Well, I'm CURRENTLY the Director of Sports for SUS
I (this being my second year on the SUS executive) so
I this means I KNOW how SUS operates internally as
Iwell as the state of our relationships with various cam-
Ipus groups. In my current position I have already
(strengthened the bonds between SUS and UBC REC by
connecting needs and resources to form solutions for
both organizations. I worked personally with Mr. Ladha himself (Donor), in the process
of establishing our new Abdul Ladha Science Student Centre. My goals for the upcoming
year are to establish a Science FROSH program, sponsors for the society (more quality
programming and resources for the most important people in the world - YOU) and to
connect with other faculities so ... (You too Jamil, 221 wrds?        -ed)
Science Senator
Martin Sing
Senate is the highest academic governing body at
UBC and the topics discussed at the meetings can
ripple through the university and touch your life.
Senate deals with things that relate to teaching, learning and research. Things such as scholarships, class
sizes, etc are regulated by senate by committees. I can
do this because I have been a teacher, a student, and a
researcher.
Who am I and what am I going to do for you? Well my
name is JEREMY MARTIN SING. I am a former SUS
councillor, a current squad leader (YAY IMAGINE!) and I want to be your next science
senator. I am going to sit on the committees that affects you; such as academic policies,
teaching and learning etc. Questions? email me at martinsing@gmail.com, find me on
facebook, or stop me on campus. So	
DO THE RIGHT THING, VOTE SING
David Brandman
N!
'ot many people who run for senate actually
know what the senate does. I do. The senate is
the council that oversees academic affairs on
I campus. Through this, it is our vehicle as students to
Imake the changes we want for our education. So, why
(should you vote Brandman for senate?
1(1) I have experience. I'm a student rep for the Science
I curriculum committee, which takes care of academic
laffairs and changes within Science.
(2) I have a platform. I want to get the ball rolling on starting a campus-wide professor
feedback system, similar to the one at the University of Alberta.
(3) I will be accountable. I will post the highlights of meetings on a website Brandman.ca,
and my thoughts of them.
(4) I have an amazing goatee.
So if you like any of the above reasons, vote David Brandman for senate. (Seriously, my
goatee is amazing.)
Diana Diao
At the last UBC Senate meeting, I became very
inspired and motivated by the amount of
enthusiasm and political influence held by Student Senators. Aside from giving reports on Senate
proceedings, the Science Senator must be able to represent the interests and concerns of Science students to
the Senate, sit on Senate Committees and work with
other Faculty members. My experiences and dedication to Science over the past three years prepared me to
become an excellent Senator:
-SUS Executive: As the Public Relations Officer, I organized Open House in the Ladha
Centre; fundraised ~$1500 for charities on behalf of Science; and put on Buck-A-Burgers.
-Faculty Relations: I have established good rapport with professors through organizing
events such as the 'Professor Talent Show' and 'Wig the Prof.
-Committees: I chair the PR and Sales Review Committees; and have sat on Academic,
Sports, and Social Committees.
VOTE FOR DIANA!
Geoff Costeloe
M
"y name is Geoff Costeloe and I am running
for the Executive position of SUS Senator.
.This means that I will be representing Science
Istudents at the highest academic body at UBC. But
Iwhy vote for me (besides my obvious charm and good
llooks)? I believe that I have the strength and conviction
Ito represent you, the best students on campus, within
Ithe senate. I have a had a lot of public speaking experience and am no stranger to standing up for the values
of myself and our faculty (I even rock the Sci Jacket).
What are some of those things? Here are the top three things I want to try to change at
UBC and will do if elected to senate: 1.Interim teaching evaluations2 .Re-evaluation of the
Exam Hardship Regulations3.Increased Communication between Senate and student
bodyRemember to vote for Geoff on WebCT March 12-15. Check out
www.SUSGeoff .blogspot. com!
VP Internal
Farzin Barekat
Hi
"ey, what's up! My name is Farzin Barekat and
I am running for SUS Internal VP (vice-presi-
.dent). I am a first year science student and will
probably major in math and physics. One of the main
reasons that I am running for this position is to make it
easier for first year students to adjust themselves to
Juniversity life. My objections are straightforward: the
ISUS must work hard to make life easier for science stu-
Idents and be of a use to them. It cannot and should not
simply be a name. I have lots of experience with volunteer work and taking initiatives. Nevertheless because my paragraph must be shorter
than 150 words, I don't have enough space to cite all my experiences and important positions that I have held.
By the way, my vice presidency campaign slogan is:
Farzin"
'want a cool internal VP... vote
Jimmy Yan
H
ello everyone!
I'm Jimmy Yan and I'm running to be the SUS Vice
President Internal. Why should you elect me? I made a
list!
■a) I have experience with being on SUS. I'm the Coor-
Hdinated Science Program representative and I sit on
Btwo committees ran by the current VP Internal: the
First-Year Committee and the Academic Committee, so I know how these duties can be
carried out.
b) I am hardworking and responsible, and I will work diligently to address all academic issues that concern you.
c) I'm a first year currently, so if I am VP Internal next year I will have that experience
still fresh in my mind and I will be able to help next year's new Science students to have
a great experience with SUS and UBC life.
d) I LOVE SCIENCE!
So between March 12th and March 15th go online and vote Jimmy Yan ... (Blurb truncated for lenght. -ed)
Gregory Stegeman
(No blurb submitted.
-ed) 7 March 2007
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
Stephen Yoon Executive Secretary
Hi all, many of you probably remember me as
the boy who stood in front of the class and
loudly screamed: "S-C,S-C-I,S-C-I-E-N-C-E.
|I'm-Stephen-vote-for-me-for-your-First-Yr-Rep-at-
lUBC!" Or the idiot who screamed the cheer while you
Iwere enjoying lunch in the SUB!!!
I Yes! here I am again with the new Cheer : "S-C,S-C-I,S-
IC-I-E-N-C-E. I'm-Stephen-vote-for-me-for-your-Vice-
|president-at-UBC!"
Can you tell the difference? Yes, This time here I am, taking a step forward, running for
Vice President Internal. As Unique as my speech, I am willing to try new things! On election day, put a BIG X beside the name STEPHEN YOON on your ballot! U know, a little
change is good! :)
Maria Jogova
IM:
DD    ¥DU    LIKE    EClEnCE"?
Want to hear about the world-class research
happening here at UBC?
Would you like to see
YOUR research in a published
paper?
PICK UP A COPY OF:
THE PARADIGM
COMING SOON TO A NEWS STAND NEAR YOU
■y name is Maria Jogova, and I am running for
the position of Executive Secretary. This year,
.1 served as the Science One representative,
land will be serving Executive Secretary for the next
Imonth. One of the things that I have done this year is
I try to get the word out about SUS to my constituents is
(taking Council minutes and posting them on a forum
(accessible to the students who elected me. We need to
Iknow how our money is being spent! I will be able to
further spread the word about what goes on in Council by making Council agendas and minutes more accessible to students, opening up our
organization. I hope to continue to improve the SUS Constitution, and will be working
on it for the upcoming month, because SUS can only spend your money responsibly if it's
structure works well. Vote Maria Jogova for Executive Secretary!
Alex Lougheed
Hi there. My name's Alex Lougheed and I'm
running for SUS Executive Secretary. By being
on the SUS Executive last year I've noticed a
llot of holes within our undergraduate society, which I
Ifeel I can best patch as the Executive Secretary.
(Firstly, I believe SUS can represent your interests bet-
Iter. We need more consultation, because simple things
llike surveys can go a long way in knowing what you
Iwant and need from your society. I will listen to these
surveys when I accept the bookings in the Ladha Centre, a job the Secretary overlooks. I
also believe in adjusting the code and policy, so it is more effective in representing your
interests. Also, the society needs to be more accessible to the average science student, so
you can tell us how we're doing.
Visit www.alougheed.ca for my full platform. Thanks!
The Undergarments of SUS
Matthew Naylor
Executive Secretary
I Quit! Or, rather, I was forced to
resigned by that all powerful of documents, the AMS constitution, and you
all know how I, as the Secretary (or, hopefully the Director of Administration) love
strict adherence to all things codified.
Speaking of codified, I've submitted what
is effectively a complete overhaul of the
SUS Constitution, which I hope will be
useful in making the society run smoother.
Come to council to learn more. Oh, and for
the next month, y'all have got a new Exec
Sec, the wonderful Maria Jogova, who will
be responsible for caretaking while I can't.
Lncidentally, the reason I can't serve, is I
was elected AMS VP External (thank you
all, I'll do my absolute best), and I can't
serve as a SUS and AMS exec at once
Jamil Rhajiak
Director of Sports
Hey everyone! So 4 things I have to
remind you about.
1) TRIATHLON/DUATHLON is MARCH
11th, come out and watch the action. AND
if you're a science student who is participating you should apply for a rebate!
www.sus.ubc.ca for more info.
2) STORM THE WALL IS COMING!!!!!!!
Start getting your teams together for this
week of insanity and good times. SUS is
making it FREE for ironpersons and HALF
PRICE for teams of science students!
REMEMBER, you MUST SIGN UP as a
"SCIENCE" unit to be eligible for rebates!
3) 4-SQUARE TOURNAMENT: remember those elementary school days of 4-
square?...if you don't then you should still
come out to this wicked lunch time activity put on by the SUS sports committee. It
goes down FRIDAY MARCH 9th at Lunch
time outside the LADHA CENTRE.
4) MANHUNTER: March 23rd 2007 the
hunt begins! Get involved in this CAMPUS
WIDE game for a chance to win some
amazing prizes and to have a great time!
Also, SCIENCE is in the TOP SPOT for
points with UBC REC...this is BECAUSE
OF SCIENCE STUDENTS LIKE YOU
WHO GET OUT AND GET ACTIVE...I
just wanted to say that I love telling people
that we're the BEST.
Cameron Gerald Funnell
Student Senator
As you may have heard, UBC has a $36 M
deficit this year. President Toope
announced that the University is switching
to a new budgeting system which involves
rolling, three year budgets which make
this type of fiscal anomaly less likely to
occur. The causes of the budget shortfall
are also being investigated. Naturally
enough, each faculty is having to accom
modate a budget reduction. For Science in
particular, the dean's office has decided to
make a one time cut to next years undergraduate lab equipment improvement
budget.
Another notable point: in light of various
court challenges across Canada, UBC is
thinking about the changes that may occur
if mandatory retirement legislation is
struck down. From the students prospective I guess this would mean having professors who are even "older* (think 70+.)
Reka Pataky
I
Vice President Internal
t's been a very busy term in the VP
Internal portfolio.
Michael Duncan
A
El President
loha ladies and gentlemen.
First off I would like to congratulate
Matthew Naylor for winning the race for
VP External of the AMS. Matthew was our
executive secretary and AMS representative and thus had to resign his SUS positions due to AMS Code of Procedure. We
have appointed a new person to both of
these positions. I want to officially welcome David Yuen, our new AMS representative and Maria Jogova, our new executive secretary. Both of these people are
very involved and we are excited to have
them on the team.
In other news, you spoke and we listened.
Many of you asked for the Abdul Ladha
Science Student Centre to be open on
weekends. We heard you and are trying it
out. For the month of March, the Ladha
Centre will be open on Saturdays from
10am - 4pm. This will occur for all of
March, and, if everything runs smoothly,
will continue. We are also looking into
how we are going to operate the Ladha
Centre during the April exam period. If
you have ideas on how much you want
this building open feel free to contact me at
prez.su s@gmail. com.
Is there anything you want to know from
the Dean. There is a Student Advisory
Committee to the Dean meeting next week
and we have the opportunity to express
student concerns and ask questions. Once
again, feel free to email me.
The Academic Committee has been
working on a number of projects this
term, including revamping the nomination process for the SUS Awards (the Student Leadership Award and the Teaching
Excellence Awards). Nominations
close(d) March 6 at 4:32 pm, and winners
will be recognized at SUS' annual end-of-
year Wine and Cheese! The Committee
has also been working on said Wine and
Cheese, collaborating with Alumni
Affairs to expand the event into a networking evening with past SUS-ers. The
Committee has also been working togeth
er with Science Advising and the Deans
office to put together the "Science Salon"
lecture series during Celebrate Research
week (March 5-9) and "Beyond 2nd Year"
and brand new student networking event
designed so students in 2nd year can
learn more about their program choices.
The First Year Committee has also been
busy, working hard to come up with some
great end-of-year events geared towards
first year students. The Committee will
also be hosting exam study and review
sessions for April's exams, and is in talks
with AMS Tutoring and SUS Clubs to
help put those together.
Lastly, in case you haven't actually read
all the previous pages of 432 goodness,
there's an election going on! And I'm
NOT running in it! For this first time in
years! Because I'm GRADUATING!! So
remember to vote, kids. March 12-15.
Diana Diao
Public Relations Officer
Hey everyone! There is a new and
exciting event coming up hosted
by the PR Committee, we present
to you....the "SUS Labor Market"!! This is
a event fundraising for Let's Talk Science,
a community outreach initiative at various
elementary schools in the city with a goal
of raising interest in and awareness for Science in students. "Labor Market" works
like an auction, there are many UBC high-
profile individuals being "sold" at this
event on March 23 rd, either solo or as
packages. He/she/they will have to dedi
cate three hours of his/her/their time to the
highest bidder during the week following
the event. So if you are looking for someone to clean your room, vacuum the apartment, do your homework, or.. .go on a date
(?), please come and check it out!
Participants include Jeff Friedrich (AMS
President), Brittany Tyson (AMS VP
Finance), Matthew Naylor (AMS VP External), Sarah Naiman (AMS VP Administration), Mke Duncan (SUS President), Sean
Kearney (SUS VP External), Cameron Funnell (Science Student Senator), Conor Top-
ley (CUS President), Bowinn Ma (EUS VP
Internal), Omid Javadi (EUS SoCo), and Page Eight
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
7 March 2007
Alex Lougheed
El Sociale Coordinateur
Nothing much on the social front
still. No money, no problems.
Might be planning a joint science/engineering/arts event sometime
soon. Hopefully.
I am taking on quite a few other roles
within SUS at the moment, such as filling
in for the vacant Executive Secretary when
it comes to minutes and agendas. I'm also
starting a miniproject I'm dubbing "council empowerment". It's intended to be a
mechanism where council can talk, form
internal contacts and have further discussion/debate on issues that come up in SUS.
It's my goal to make a more creative, opin-
ioned council, who can collectively make a
difference.
Also, butts.
Alex Lougheed
AMSer
So a bunch of AMS Councillors and
AMS-types went to Victoria (on your
dime) recently to lobby the provincial
government. Alongside them was myself,
Matt Naylor (former SUS Exec Sec, now
AMS VP-External) and Tristan Markle (Science AMS Rep.). We went to talk about a
couple of Post-Secondary issues concerning students, such as grants, quality of
education and the proportion that students
pay for their education through tuition.
Along side that, most recently was AMS
Executive Turnover! The annual general
meeting was a smashing success and we
almost made quorum (actually, we barely
made 1%... quorum is 4000-odd people)!
Further to that, the AMS is deciding what
to do with the AMS Whistler Lodge during
the Olympics. I sit on the committee that
has the ultimate power to decide whether
or not we charge differential pricing or
give it away to students in a lottery for
free. If you have some input, shoot me an
email aloughee@interchange.ubc.ca.
Also, dickes.
Every year, millions of children are
exposed to images like these...
Don't let this tragedy continue.
Bob Barker Says:
"Have your pets
Spayed or Neutered!
You-nique
4th annual life skill canference
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