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 VOLUME FOURTEEN ISSUE SIX
24 November 2000
In this issue:
Stockwell Day!
j Hell Week!
Sex!
and so much more.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a
bad move.
Douglas Adams
Wi
Stockwell Day Canadian PM
Al Gore promises to "challenge these contentious results'
(AP, Ottawa)
In a stunning upset, Stockwell Day and his
Canadian Alliance party have swept to
power. As of close of polls, the Canadian
Alliance hold 22.7% of the vote, 0.8% more
than their closest competitors, the Liberals.
Parliament pundits suspect that the Canadian Alliance's sudden rise to power may
have had something to do with the
increased disenfranchisement of many of
Western and Middle Canada's resource
workers, who turned out to the polls in surprising numbers.
"Eh, well we though that Day guy might
stick up fer us, ya know" said John Trem-
blay, a McBlo harvester. "I mean, it was
ridiculous, with that other guy sticking up
for the owls like. I mean, who'll stick up for
us? We're bigger than dose owls, ya know."
Tremblay's sentiment was not echoed by
the more urbanized citizens of British
Columbia. However, limited voting time
for the West Coast severely hampered
other BC Voters from attending poll stations.
"Due to Election Canada's decree that all
polls across the country should close at
roughly 9:30 PM eastern standard time,
many British Columbians were unable to
get to the poll stations" said elections officer Geordy O'Roarke. "I mean, who gets up
at 7:00 in the morning to vote, for
godssake? And most people are still at the
bars at 7:00 pm. Where's the 'happy hour'
for those of us in B.C.? That golden
moment after the pubs but before the poll
station where we make the difficult choice
as to which political party will represent
our interests for the foreseeable future?" he
cried.
More shocking are allegations that voters
in Victoria were confused by the layout of
the ballot, which led them to vote for John
Duncan, the Canadian Alliance candidate,
instead of Alex Turner, the NDP candidate.
"How're we supposed to know which is
which?" complained octogenarian voter
Michael York. "I mean, John Duncan, Alex
Turner, those names sound a lot a like, and
their boxes are right near each other, ya
know?" he muttered, at which point he
started drooling into his overcoat.
Back in Ottawa, as his first act as Prime
Minister, Stockwell Day declared a universal ban on genetics research, the study of
evolutionary theory, astronomy, and
physics in general, blaming them all as
"heretical, and against the teachings of our
great Christian ideal"
Canadian scientists reacted with shock at
the proclamation.
"Man, when I heard that Bush might be
elected President of the States, I was so
happy" said genetics Post-Doc Thom Vert.
"I mean, finally, the brain drain working
for us for a change. But with this Day character in power, I guess I'm going to have to
either find a position in some British or
Australian University, or look for another
job. And I'm too old and cynical to say 'Do
you want fries with that?' with any kind of
conviction".
Universities across the country scrambled
to keep up with Day's sweeping proclamation. Overnight, many departments in the
Faculties of Science were summarily
closed, and their staff either gently promoted into retirement or outright fired.
Those more flexible among the teaching
establishment accepted positions in the
newly developed Faculties of Medieval Science.
"Medieval Science is one of those happy
convergeances" said Dean Reilly, of York
University. "It allows for the unique marriage of Art and Science and it in no way
challenges the dogma espoused by the
Christian creeds which PM Day profess.
It's also something of a growth industry; I
mean, there's a big market out there for
Philosopher's Stones and Eternal Alembics. And we get to finally make those
damn Medieval Studies professors earn
their keep for a change, instead of being
unemployed and begging on street."
In response to these unexpected developments in Canadian politics, U.S. Vice President Al Gore said "We must take firm,
decisive action. It's bad enough having a
right-wing, overly moralistic bombast like
Bush as the possible leader of the free
world. This situation can only deteriorate
now that Prime Minister Day holds the
reigns of power in our northern neighbor?
If Bush gains power — and I vow that he
never will — then the entire American continent becomes an uncontested haven for
the Moral Minority".
When asked what he planned to do to face
these challenges, Gore replied "Nuke
Saskatchewan and Alberta. Day's power-
base is located in these two provinces;
remove the provinces, and you remove Day
from power. It's a solution so simple, it
should have been applied to Florida! Take
that, befuddled Dade County-ists!"
Canadian Alliance
becomes "Righteous"
Researchers unveil new "people-friendly" robotic body
for U.S. Presidential candidate Al Gore.
In a move that surprised few, Stockwell
Day, leader of the Canadian Righteous
Alliance Party (CRAP), announced that
in accordance with his party's current policies, all wheelchair-bound Canadians will
be forced to "walk like the rest of us" if
CRAP wins the upcoming federal election.
Day explained "I'm sick of all these minority special interest groups trying to be
treated better than everyone else! I have to
walk all day, yet Joe Lazy over there can
choose to just sit in a comfy wheeled chair
and force us to accommodate him with
'wheelchair ramps' and other such nonsense. That money could be better spent on
supporting local evangelists and deporting
the homeless!"
After he stopped frothing, Day began to
ramble on about Creationism, finally concluding that "If God wanted us to be in
wheelchairs, he would have given us
wheels! But he wanted us to walk, so he
gave us legs! Two legs good! Two wheels
bad! Two legs good! Two wheels bad!"
Reporters tried to point out that spinal
cords can be injured in ways that make
walking impossible, and that people in
wheelchairs really do need them, but Day
shrugged off their "scientific mumbo-
jumbo" as "lack of faith in God."
Psychiatrist Dr. Nahtzo explains that these
responses are quite natural for Day, whom
he classifies as "paranoid delusional." Says
Dr. Nahtzo, "Zometimz, ze individual fears
zat he vill be held accountable for his
actions, and zo he resorts to a 'God' or
'Devil' figure to do zeese bad things for
him. In Day's case, eet ees clearly a case of,
'God made me do it!'" When asked about
treatment, the doctor prescribed forcing
Day to read books apart from the Bible,
and teaching him to see other points of
view.
However, Dr. Nahtzo admitted that Day
was probably "too far gone."
The Libertine Party refused to comment,
muttering something about wild orgies and
Yankees. Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
24 November 2000
Volume Fourteen
issue six
24 November 2000
Mario
Jay Garcia
jgarcia@interchange.ubc.ca
Luigi
Chris Weston
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Koopas
Tim Chan
Keri Gammon
Jo Krack
Andy Martin
Adam Mott
mYk
Alisma Perry
Kat Scotton
Sara Stamm
Reka Sztopa
Ben Tipett
Ben Warrington
Eagranie Yuh
Web Sites
http://www.ams.ubc.ca/sus/
http://seercom.com/sus/432/
Legal Information
The 432 managed to immunize
itself against the dastardly effects
of the Killer Hong Kong Wu-Tang
Flu to bring this issue straight, to
you. Yes, you're that important to
us.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
Election Fever!
Eagranie Yuh
Bibbity-bobbity-boo!
I'm sure that everyone's pretty sick and
tired of politics right now. What with all
the controversy in the U.S. (don't even get
me started about that-the world's most
powerful nation and they can't even get
their act together to vote for the person
they wanted to?) and the upcoming election on good old home soil, the last thing
you want to read about is more politics.
Not to sound like a public service
announcement, but make sure to get out
there and vote, guys. If for no other reason
than to show those Damn Yankees that
Canada is sooooo much better.
If this election were a boxing match, I'm
sure that it would be good ol' lopsided Jean
in the red corner, dining on poutine and
pepper on his plate.
In the challenger's corner wearing traditional Alliance blue and green is our friend
Stock, famous for his trademark media-
slut tactics. Shove enough money in his g-
string, and he'll support your cause, no
matter how evil it happens to be. A cool
half million to condemn unfortunate
women to a life of unwanted motherhood?
Sure, no problem...
However, let's forget about party platforms, tax cuts, and the ever-present abortion issue for just a second here. Let's
focus on something a little more important, something much more along the lines
of an X-files episode directed by Oliver
Stone. Stockwell Day is an alien, folks.
Let's just look at the evidence thus far:
(l) Stockwell is not a name. Come to think
of it, Stock and Well aren't names either.
It's like someone took random words,
shoved them together and thought they
sounded nice.  Who took random words,
you ask? The aliens, my friend... Additionally, Day isn't much of a last name
either. But, kudos to the extraterrestrials
for using something other than the ubiquitous, eurocentric Smith.
(b) The party used to be called the Reform
Party of Canada, which is pretty descriptive. I guess they wanted to reform Canada, or the Canadian parliament at least?
Fine. But then there's the issue of The
Canadian Alliance. Alliance of what?
Monkeys, fish, extraterrestrials...they don't
specify. Most people just naively assume
that it's the Alliance of People, or Alliance
of Canada, or something equally benign.
Alliance of Aliens, and that's the truth.
Aside from that, doesn't The Alliance
sound suspiciously like something out of
Star Trek? The Collective, The Dominion,
The Continuum, The Alliance...it all has the
same ring to it. Not to mention that Stock
is like Spock with a t.
(xi) The party's, and specifically Stock's,
values are those of 1960's American TV
reruns. The stuff that Leave it to Beaver is
made of. Everyone knows that the perfect
family doesn't exist-we're in the era of
divorce, dysfunctional families, and Jerry
Springer. The Cleaver family should be put
into suspended animation and displayed in
the Museum of Anthropology under the
title of Familius Extinctus. Obviously,
Stockwell and the aliens have been watching old TV reruns via satellite, and the far-
reaching grips of Leave it To Beaver have
permeated the vacuum of space. Last thing
I heard, Family Values was the name of a
Limp Bizkit tour.
(Z) This also explains why Stock's party
seems so tricking American.
Canadian TV isn't known for its broadcast
range-try explaining the whole concept of
Hockey Night in Canada blackouts to me
again? The aliens have based the entire
Alliance platform on what they perceive to
be the most relevant information they
have. Never mind that the information
originates from the U.S. in the 1960's and
is completely out of date.
(3.14) Stockwell Day is supposed to be 50
years old. He sure as hell doesn't look 50.
Now, everyone dig deep into your physics
memory, however limited it might be.
Remember that little thing called the Theory of Relativity? How, when people travel
at light speed in space, they age slower
than everyone else...see what I'm getting
at? The aliens planned this huge platform
(based on the aforementioned U.S. in the
1960's) and then transported Stock to
Earth. In the process, he was subject to relativity, and aged slower than everyone
here...thus explaining why he looks so
young.
And can jet ski without breaking his hip.
(Xy) Stock doesn't work on Sundays. He
claims that this is due to his religious convictions, and so that he can spend time
with his family. What he doesn't tell you is
that he uses Sundays to do three things.
One, relate information to his commanders
in outer space; two, regenerate his human
body (which is just a shell for his true alien
self); and three, implant a new week's
worth of propaganda in his alien pea-brain.
The Sabbath, my ass.
Stock gets more done on Sundays than
most of us do in a week. When was the last
time you made inter-planetary contact?
Exactly.
This is not to say that the other party leaders aren't above criticism.
Giles Duceppe reminds me of a campus
squirrel on crack. Jean Chretien could definitely throw some more money into
medicare and get some therapy for that
lopsidedness (and possible brain damage)
of his. And the sudden resurrection of Joe
Clark...well, that's another story entirely.
Editorial Tryptich
W'vy   Jay Garcia
>~< s  Spare change, guv?
Birthdays
Man, getting older is like being the metal
ball in a game of pinball. You start off with
a pretty good trajectory, flying off out of the
gate, occasionally running into bumpers or
falling into the high-score holes, only to
crash ignominiously into the void at the
bottom of the table.
No, no, it's more like one long g session of
really good sex; you're constantly in
motion, though you're really not going anywhere, and in the end, you're spent and
boneless and not really capable of doing
much more than just lying there.
Hmm, whilst the latter is a more pleasant
analogy, neither of these two are particularly true. I've indulged in this bout of
intense navel-gazing (some might call it
"introspective analysis", but I say call a
spade a device for moving dirt around)
because I've hit the quarter-century mark.
Yep, the year 2000 marks my twenty-fifth
year on this rotating sphere, orbiting a
small yellow star on the outer spiral arm of
this galaxy. And you know what I've discovered? The gifts you get when you're
older way rock harder than the gifts you get
when you're too young to properly ask for
really cool presents.
I mean, how do you beat consumer electronics and consumable media? Mmmm,
Toy Story 2 on DVD. Yamaha Subwoofer.
22" flatscreen plasma display. Almost better than sex, really.
DVD's
DVD's rock my tiny little world. Nigh
unto three weeks ago, I was over at my
buddy's place (Zion! the home of our contentment) helping him wire up his Yamaha 5.1 / DTS receiver. I swear, you need a
PhD in Yamahamology to decipher and
use their remote controls. Why, for gods'
sake, are there two sets of directional
arrow keys? What do these control? Dare
we press them, for fear of accidentally
launching an offensive nuclear salvo at
Russia?
Despite these complicated setbacks, we
finally managed to get everything all set
up, and we experienced true home theatre.
Man, you haven't lived until you hear the
jets in Top Gun zoom in full, Dolby Surround Sound. Or hear the whizzing of
machine gun fire from those frenetic and
somber opening minutes of Saving Private
Ryan.
Hell, even dialogue sounds better with
full reception, though. Watching Emeril
Lagassi on a full surround sound system
with subwoofer really brings new oomph
to his "BAM!"s.
Illness
Sometime in the last week or so, I fell horrifyingly, disgustingly ill. All I know for
sure was that, late last Wednesday, I was
driving home from the Hip concert when I
started feeling really cold. So I yanked my
toque down over my ears, pulled the fleece
up, and ramped up the heater to max. And
I was still freezing. I stumbled on home,
collapsed into bed, and promptly lost all of
Thursday.
Thursday last week basically got melded
into both Wednesday night and Friday
morning; one horribly long, sweaty, chilly,
tossing and turning night.
When I felt well enough to drag my sorry
carcass into my family physician's office, I
was still running a temperature well into
the low hundreds (Fahrenheit; otherwise,
I'd be a slow-charred case of spontaneous
combustion due to the flu virus — I can see
it now: new strain of flu burns victims
alive! Film at Eleven).
My doctor, being an intelligent and sensitive woman gave me some Gravol for the
nausea, admonishing me to "take it only if
I really, really needed it". Of course, I
abused the stuff as if it were crack cocaine
and it was Welfare Wednesday.
It turns out, there are some rather sever
issues about the combination of being
strung out on Gravol, having a severe head-
cold, and watching Dr. Laura and Oprah in
the afternoon. I still maintain that is my illness that resulted in me being a hormonal
wreck; alternately shouting at the TV
screen at that absolute piss-brained,
preachily moralistic bitch Dr. Laura, and
then crying my eyes out like some goddamned baby as Oprah fulfilled the wishes
and hopes of her audience like some kind
of benevolent, multimillionaire fairy godmother.
As it turns out, I'm still sick, and I've got
this crappy cough, which is really annoying. If there are any cute girls out there
who'd like to nurse me back to health, you
can contact me at
jgarcia@interchange.ubc.ca 24 November 2000
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
We Have Nothing To Fear
Heather Taylor
Sound and Fury
I've been thinking a lot lately. About stuff.
Ya know-what I'm going to do with the rest
of my life after I'm done with-ahem-
school-stuff like that. Right now the ugliest
monster in my closet has to be my STUDENT LOAN. So evil it has to go in capitals. Now I know what you're
thinking...why in the hell am I thinking
about student loans while I'm still a student? Well number one-they scare the hell
out of me; number two-they scare the hell
out me; number three-look I could go on
and on.
The thing is I never thought about it
before. Never. Not once. And I mean that-
no loan talk ever filled the vacuous space
between my ears. Now I'm a semester (and
a bit) away from the end and what can I
look forward to? Twenty eight thousand in
debts escalating at an annual rate of
prime+2.5% (which will end up being the
price of a small country when I'm done)
AND a lovely official piece of paper that
will keep me warm for about 30 seconds
upon being burnt in my garbage can in the
middle of winter after they've cut off my
hydro. Well, well, well. No guarantees. No
stability. Just Student Loans.
I used to get pissed off about student loans
a lot. Now those of you who have it will
know some of this stuff. Or maybe not.
Now for the first four years when applying
for these beasts of burden, students have to
submit their parent's income. This gets
calculated for or against you. I'm really
"lucky." My parents are dirt poor. Macaroni has always been a staple in our house.
Yep-I've never had liver, or meatloaf, or
brussel sprouts. We couldn't afford it. So
incidentally I get a fucking huge loan to
compensate. I'm like a fat kid in the candy
shop-and I can say that because I know
what it's like-I used to be the fat kid who
terrorized all the local corner stores. Budget? What's that? I've got five thousand
dollars! Let's rip shit up! I'm proud to say
that I immediately did not go to my nearest
Honda dealership and put a down payment
on some death trap but then again I'm not
sure how I spent it at all. Money in bank
Monday...gone Tuesday or Wednesday if
I'm lucky.
But I did need the money. I haven't lived
at home since I was 17.... AND I still had to
include my parent's income for four years
past graduation from high school. What a
load of shit. I don't even live with them.
And what if we were estranged? Then I
wouldn't get it at all. Arghh! Policy. I felt
bad for those who couldn't get a loan
because of their parents. This is not fair.
They are considered adult by law-voting,
drinking, buying lottery tickets-yet they
can't get a student loan without their parents involved and it's not even them, it's
their money. My mom filled out one line
and signed it. What about those kids who
live in the poverty of middle classes. Sure
it looks like their parents make a lot of
money but after mortgages, car payments,
etc., etc., there is no money left. No hard
cash to support their child going to school
As K
especially if it's in a different city. I mean
the costs are enormous. This happened to
a friend of mine. He got accepted into a
school in Calgary but he couldn't get a loan
because his parents made too much. Now?
Now he's doing graveyard construction
work. Mmmm-mmmm tar. Does the body
good.
Fine. I understand the system is in place
to help those poor schmucks who can't
afford school (or a brand new car...) on
their own. But none of the ramifications
are pushed home until AFTER you're done
your 2, or 3, or 7 years of school.
Student: Ahem...hi. I was wondering
about what program I should be in?
Councilor: Well, what are you interested
in?
Student: Um...I like movies and art history. Maybe English...but not really.
Councilor: Great! Then you'd love our 5
year combined art and film studies degree.
Just sign here. We'll make sure your class
schedule won't accommodate any kind of
job that's over 3 dollars an hour. But don't
worry. You'll be analyzing how the colour
of a Wendy's wrapper affects the consumer
as you flip burgers and talk about the latest
Scream movie with your 16-year-old supervisor. After that you can look forward to
busing 3 hours to the office building you
clean on the graveyard shift and 3 hours
back. Then you'll be home just in time to
drop off your 6 kids at school/ daycare/
mom's house (if you're lucky but don't
count on it) and argue for an hour or two
with your significant other before getting
your average hour and a half of sleep.
Maybe in 15 years you'll have paid off your
student loan as long as you don't forfeit or
miss a payment. If you do, you'll be
marked by the credit bureau and have "bad
credit"-an R9 in creditor speak and will be
unable to get a loan or credit card for at
least 6 years or so. Congratulations...this is
the rest of your life.
Student: Uh...thanks.
Why don't they say "Do you realize that in
this profession you will be paying X number of dollars in student loans per month
when you are finished?" Or even tell you
that with this amount of student loans you
will be paying this much money? I will
have to pay student loan payments of five
hundred dollars per month for the next
nine and a half years of my life. Unless I
marry a prince, that ain't gonna happen. I
could always break my back in a "fall" and
get my loans forgiven but I don't feel like
being paralyzed for life. There are a lot of
programs out there. That's great but once
they're done, they're done. And if these
programs don't apply to your situation,
then too bad for you. Your loans will be
forwarded up the chain until you are sent
to a creditor and the loan is written off.
And I thought about just filing for bank-
ruptcy...Oh, sorry. Out of luck. You can't
file on a student loan until it's been an
active file for ten years AKA the entire life
of your loan. Great. Just great. Now aren't
you glad you're in school? I sure am...
asy Contest  #4
What is that picture on page 4? Drop off all submissions to Jay Garcia in
Hennings 102, or email him at jgarcia@interchange.ubc.ca
  sus hacks and councilmembers are ineligible for this contest
the
Psychology Student's Association
presents
Christmas Dinner Cr (rise
come dine and dance with us
monday, november 27th, 2000
5:00 - 8:00 pm
$20 members ($22 non-members)
and!
5cm Pea^s 3^i Trip
January 26-28th 2001
Ski Package Includes:
transportation to £ from Vancouver to Sun Peaks
2 nights accommodation
2 all-day lift tickets *
prizes and more!!!     #* Aw*
y% %aJ ;
C555
presents
C555 Buzzer Garden
With Psyduck and Kula!
Friday, November 24
4:W - 8:30 LSK 462 I
-'&''-'/■''
<*
V
ifedsl
tickets / sign-up at the PSA office Kenny 2007
for more info, visit:
www.psych.ubc.ca/psa
@ Jive BMilardM9^%waolway
Friday, NoWmber 24
6:30 - 8:30 Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
24 November 2000
Graphically-Minded
W*.y    Jay Garcia
coitus interruptus
Tis the time of year when a young
man's fancy turns to thoughts of
finals and cramming, and, perhaps, if
he's very lucky, Christmas vacation.
This year it's a bit of a double whammy for
me. As I've no doubt bored many of you
with the details, suffice it to say that I'm
gainfully employed these days.
Did I also mention that I was also taking a
full course load? Yep, kids, it's that wondrous feeling you get when you work forty
hour weeks and take three classes with
labs.
-Meltdown ville.
Now you're probably wondering "What? Is
Jay gazing at his navel in that slightly
introspective fashion again"? And I say;
nay! This is merely the introduction to the
more fulfilling, meatier part of this article.
See, the first thing that comes to mind to
deal with a personal meltdown is, of
course, that ever-friendly, oh-so-enjoyable
lubricant that is beer — the cause of, and
solution to, all of life's problems.
However, I've been sick. I suspect that my
immune system was compromised by
many nights spent in Surrey, at a friend's
place.
Now, before you're mind gets all comfortable down there in that gutter, let me modify that previous statement to say that I was
over at her place helping her fix her hot
tub. Never mind that I have all the plumbing skills of a brain-damaged iguana; this is
a cute chick's hot tub we're talking about
here, and there's no force in all of Heaven
or on the wide Earth that would stop me
from claiming a stake in that hot tub, seated next to said hot chick.
There's something innately satisfying and
stress-relieving about banging on pipes,
working with water and otherwise making
a big-ol' mess in the name of "getting
something to work properly"
However, the nights we chose to work on
her tub were bitterly cold, and, I suspect,
she was already a carrier of the dreaded
Fall Flu.
As a result, I fell ill, which can read all
about in my editorial on page two. However, this brings me back to my central thesis:
there's only one thing that really, really
relieves stress after you've been sick, have
three finals and lots of pre-Christmas work
that you have to do.
And it's all documented on the picture on
the right. Check out the page 3 contest for
more details.
nn
December 16th, Saturday * Room 212A SUB * 4pm ~ 8pm
Rum and Eggnog First 75 people only, First come, First Serve
Punch Kris Kringles
Russel Christmas Ale Semi-formal Attire
When Good Students Go Bad
Alisma Perry
Brain defibrillator, STAT!
At around 1:11 am on the dark morning of Thursday, November 9th, I
had just completed a 4000 word
essay, which had been due on Wednesday.
I was about to start a 20ooworder, which
was due in less than nine hours. I had
stayed up all night just two nights earlier
finishing yet a third essay.
This sad tale is only one in a growing phenomenon that we see across the academic
world as the end of each term draws nigh.
I know that I do not speak for all students,
because some of you are blessed with that
crucial skill known as Time Management,
but I'm sure most of you have had at least
one Hell Week in your life. Many of you,
like myself, probably have one (if not
more), each term.
Hell Week is that oh-so-long and excruciatingly painful week when it seems like
your professors have formed a strategic
alliance with the sole purpose of driving
you insane. Everything that matters is due
that week, and to top it all off, it usually
occurs only a couple of weeks after you
breathed that "Finally, my midterms are
over" sigh of relief.
Last year my Hell Weeks were getting out
of hand, to say the least. When you get
your first essay assignment of University,
you laugh at the idea of losing only 2 or 3
per cent per day when you hand it in late.
But it doesn't take long to realize that if you
ever succumb to the lure of lateness, you
are doomed. Doomed, I say, because, as
our physics phriends will surely remind
us, things like to keep on doing what
they're already doing. I could give some
startling examples of this, but I'd rather
not spend even more time reflecting on the
ills of terms past. Let's just remember that
I didn't actually fail anything (although I
may or may not have handed in one of my
essays so late that I spent a whole month
thinking I'd failed the class because the
original mark that I saw on the internet
was put up before they received the essay),
and be content.
In a valiant attempt to reduce the massive
build-up of minus 3 per cent per days that
was experienced last year, The New And
Improved Punctual Me (TNAIPM) was
introduced in September 2000, to widespread acclaim.
How has TNAIPM fared so far? Well, let's
return to that dark Thursday morning
when I had just finished a 4000 word essay
one day late. One of the main reasons why
it wasn't completed on time was that I got
so caught up in the U.S. election coverage
the night before, that I managed to forget
all about the whole TNAIPM thing.
Another major factor of distraction
(besides the swinging pendulum of Florida's results), was thinking up amusing
titles. There's a very fine line between cleverness and stupidity when you're trying to
be funny, and all the titles I could think of
either involved rampant alliteration,
pathetic advertising pitches, or both, i.e.,
"Canada and Climate Change: When Negotiations Go Bad... TONIGHT, on FOX!!"
Don't worry, I didn't use that one.
As a reward for completing one essay and,
probably more so, a desperate need for caffeine, I made a quick trip to 7-Eleven for a
slurpee (bless them for being only oneblock
away!). It is surprisingly busy there at 1:30
on a Thursday morning, and the fellowwho
works there is disturbingly chipper. I suppose that he, too, knows the magical,
insomniacal qualities of cola slurpees.
I returned to my dungeon (affectionate
term for the book- and article-littered area
surrounding my computer) and plonked
down in front of the screen feeling
refreshed. Actually, a better word to
describe it may have been cold, which was
my dominant physical sensation throughout Hell Week.
When my housemates and I received our
first hydro bill for our new home in Sep-
tember.we were, to say the least, flabbergasted. It was late at night when I first saw
the offending bill, and in my tired daze of
incomprehension, I scrawled a series of
heat-saving measures on the return envelope. Said envelope has now been lost or
recycled, but I will reproduce our plans to
escape our imminent conversion to popsicle form as best I can:
(1) reroute funding from hydro bill to
sweaters;
(2) cold showers = the best way to greet
the day!;
(3) find ourselves some significant others
to keep us warm;
(4) start using fire places as central heat
source, using outrageous bills to feed
flames;
(5) also use those copies of the 432 that
Alisma keeps bringing home to  feed
flames;
(6) not to mention Alisma's essays
(AFTER they've been marked);
(7) move to Palo Alto, the City Of The
Future, where cold water falling from the
sky is
an extraordinary event;
(8) move to Joshua Tree, where the streets
have no name, and feel the heat that is left
in the desert sand from ten summers ago;
(9) write to elderly, affluent relatives with
tales of icicles hanging from bookshelves
and ice floes in the bathtub ("the polar bear
keeps using my shampoo!").
These suggestions basically faded away
into a general consensus on not turning on
the heat.
Thus, I spent my Hell Week looking very
attractive in no less than three shirts, two
pairs of pants (leggings and jogging pants),
big wool socks, and fuzzy slippers. Earl
Grey tea was aplenty, and slurpees were
called for only in those wee hours when I
had been in my room with the door shut for
so long that my body temperature alone
had made the room 10 degrees hotter.
All in all, TNAIPM seems to have been a
big bust, like so many things that are
labeled "New And Improved." The cold, the
Presidential elections, and my overwhelming need to be amusing when I know I'm
already screwed are difficult to conquer all
in one term. I still have not failed anything, though, and I'm finished three of my
essays a good three weeks before the end of
the term.
Ah Hell Week. How little I miss you, now
you are gone. Dream
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Canadian Tuition Discount Available Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
24 November 2000
Squirrels from Hell
Jo Krack
Not China White
With the upcoming federal election
looming, and the various parties
bravely battling it out in mud-
slinging "debates" aplenty, I'd like to suggest an entirely new political system. Bye-
bye Liberals, bye-bye NDP, bye-bye
remains of the Conservatives, and finally,
GOOD GOD GET OUT, Alliance! It's time
for a coup, and I think you all know who'd
be perfect for the job: Why, Jo Krack and
the UBC chapter of the Squirrel Warriors,
of course! My platform would be that far
too much money is being spent on things
that don't benefit me, like national defense
and politicians' vacations. Instead, I'd redirect our taxes to address the needs of the
student population.
First of all, the liquor situation. If I want
a Vodka Slurpee at 2 am, that's what 7-11
should be selling! If I want to get drunk
after 6 pm on weekdays, that's when the
liquor stores should be open! And if I want
to be able to afford to drink more than once
a term, alcohol prices need to drop!
I propose government subsidies of bars
and liquor stores, so that drinks will cost
less than fifty cents a shot. Students on
budgets will finally be able to afford food as
well as partying, and everyone will be getting laid enough to mellow out about
exams and assignments. That would be a
good thing, people.
On the subject of "exams".and "assignments", I would propose that profs be
forced to accept any evidence that a student has put some time and thought into
their work as an "A". Therefore, if instead
of proving that gravity exists, you instead
illustrate a full comic book called "The
Gravity-Defying Breasts of the Space Amazons from Planet Latex", you should get full
credit. In this way, profs no longer have to
read fifty boring papers about Newton and
students no longer have to write them.
Degrees would be awarded in such areas as
"Creative Heckling", "Ultimate Stoicism",
and "Advanced Sarcasm".
Next, there is the "8:30 am class" situation. No classes shall start before 10 am,
nor extend past 4 pm. I have never once, in
all my three years of 8:30 classes, heard a
single student say "Boy I'm so awake and
ready to learn, I got so much sleep last
night, I can't wait to listen attentively to
this whole lecture instead of falling asleep
and missing the whole point of dragging
myself out of bed to get to class! Gee golly!"
OK, so I heard that once, but I killed the
keener. Anyway, as I have extreme foresight (no, that does not mean *being able to
see foreplay coming') I have concluded that
if no one can handle early morning classes
now, we're probably not going to have a lot
of success in the working world... unless it
is CHANGED! So once I have conquered
the country, I will ban any business from
opening early in the morning, unless it sells
chocolate and/or marital aids. Some people will complain, of course, but to show
my ability to handle conflicting opinions, I
will have them all swiftly deported to
America. (Can't think of a worse fate.)
"Now, wait," you're saying, "America's
not that bad. They've got all the stuff we do,
only more fat and money!" Well, they may
not be in a bad situation right now, but
they will be: right after Canada invades!
See, if you were paying attention, you'll
remember that to take over the country, I
will rely on the trusty Squirrel Warriors.
These little buggers are the grey squirrels
you see on campus. Remember when you
were a little kid and you went to Stanley
Park and saw black squirrels, brown squirrels, and the occasional grey squirrel? Well,
you don't see many brown squirrels anymore, do ya? That's called "survival of the
fittest." The meeker brown squirrels were
peace-loving, Disneyesque characters,
bounding about and bothering no one. But
then in came the grey squirrels, who were
bitterly disillusioned about life in general
and had spent time training in underground militant wildlife camps. These grey
spartans quickly realized that the existence
of brown squirrels equalled less food, and
so they ruthlessly exterminated them, in an
act many have dubbed "Chip'n'Dale Carnage".
The Squirrel Warriors are ready. They
are extremely antsy now that they are not
at war, and are beginning to eye the black
squirrels suspiciously.
We cannot let their rodent genocide continue! Their rodent rage must be harnessed
and used to our advantage: by conquering
the United States of America! We will
strike now, while they are still waffling
between presidents, and we will give them
a tyrant far worse than Bush or Gore! We
will give them... JO(E) CANADIAN! First
of all, her femaleness will strike many of
the elderly senators dumb, as many of
them are unaware that women still exist.
Next, her Canuck style will take the country
by storm, as she gives them all free health
care and forces McDonald's to serve
healthy yet yummy food, thus making the
collective population of America shed billions of pounds of fat, which will be collected and used as an energy source to power
the nation! Canada will also be powered by
this fat, and both nations will be happier
than ever! The discovery of a new, renewable energy source will free up billions of
dollars, which will be spent on such things
as student shag rooms in Buchanan, Hennings, Scarfe, and Angus, for those students who still live at home and need a little privacy for some lovin' now and then.
Hey, people are screwing in most of those
buildings as you read this anyway, so might
as well make 'em comfy!
So there you have it. I would say "a vote
for Krack is a vote for Heaven on Earth,"
but my Squirrel Warriors and I don't
believe in democracy; we'll be taking the
country by force. However, I'm a benevolent despot: the first few hundred people to
join my Rebel Army will be granted all the
traditional debauched privileges of insane,
mind-blowing power, plus Brown Squirrel
Burgers on Friday!
Next Deadline: November 29th, 2000
Word! Word.
All articles and cartoons welcome. Must make the editor laugh at least thrice, contain your full
contact information, and should be around 700 words.
Write about the weather, write about Willard Scott. Hell, write about Mr. Scott.
All contributions must be made by 4:32pm, November 29th. Email to jgarcia@interchange.ubc.ca
Ramblings 2001
mYk
word!
On Tea
mein roommate is a tea fanatic, she has
an entire shelf in our kitchen dedicated to
all sorts of tea. "try this one," she says, "it's
got more caffeine than coffee!" BOING!!
On The Bus
did you know that ladner exchange in the
coldest, loneliest place on earth? i have the
pleasure of transferring from the 601 to the
640 there every couple of weeks as i make
my way to and from the victoria ferry, ladner exchange is the worst part of that trip,
even worse than the #70 bus on the victoria side that insists on going through every
single little community on its way downtown from the ferry terminal, even worse
than the horde of people that line up to
walk off the ferry a full 20 minutes before
they are let off, meaning that i, too, need to
line up that early to get a seat on the bus.
even worse than the final 15 minute walk to
my girlfriend's house in bitter cold and
rain, ladner exchange is the worse because
it's in the middle of the journey,   you're
over the glowing feeling of being where you
were, but it's too early to feel excited about
getting where you're going, there's a
mcdonald's and a 7-11 within walking distance, nothing evokes existential angst like
ladner exchange.
On Compsci
in an effort to improve the quality of
undergrad instruction to something higher
than a rating of "ass," the department of
computer science is trying to implement
admissions and continuation requirements
for the degree program, the metric they are
using to judge the quality of students is of
course GPA. "assholes!," i exclaimed at the
department meeting i recently attended,
(only slightly more articulately,) "now the
undergrads in this department will cheat
even more!" the system of rewarding academic dishonesty with assured places in the
required classes, while punishing the students that actually do their assignments
and projects individually will now be
expanded to include the entire program!!
i then proceeded to recite, verbatim, an
argument against this new policy that i had
found on the internet after a quick search,
they hemmed and hawed about how difficult it was to administer student discipline,
about how it could only be handled at one
of two extreme levels: either with the prof
on an individual per-student basis or all
the way up to Maria Klawe, the Dean Of
Science. "Maria Klawe, the Dean Of Science?!," i screamed, standing up and
pounding my fist on the desk-bench in
Klink 200, "I Don't Believe In Maria Klawe,
the Dean Of Science!! I also don't believe
in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or Canadian Politics!," i said, further emphasizing
my point.
needless to say, i woke up 3 days later in
the basement of the cicsr building with a
cats cable running out of my temple and a
feeling of warmth and compassion toward
ubc compsci. doh.
On the SUS relationship web
you know who you are. come back to the
Light side of the force.
On Microsoft
i've been asked to meet with a microsoft
representative about new, exciting
microsoft technologies, i wonder if it will
bejeff.
send your existential angst to
myk432@hushmail.com.
Everything that has been taught to you
is wrong.
SUS Bzzr
Gardening
Crew
will meet
fridays at SUS
(Henn 102)
@ 4:32 PM
please email
Kat
kscotton@
interchange.ubc.ca"
// you want to
come. 24 November 2000
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
Vox Populii
President
Keri Gammon
Hello my darlings. As the term winds
down, I hope that the GPA fairy has-
brought each and every one of you nothing
but stellar grades on midterms, papers,
projects and labs.
Your SUS execs have been busy little
beavers over the last couple of weeks.
Check out their reports and see what
they've been up to! I wish I had something
great to report, but the last couple of weeks
have been fairly low key for my portfolio. I
could whine about my courses, but I prefer
to do that in person. I have to say that my
favourite recent development was the creation of mailbox labels for all SUS councillors. But these aren't JUST labels, but
labels complete with mystery quotes from
your President's> favourite band. Come in,
identify the song associated with each
quote, and win SUS swag or something
kuhl like that. Check out this issue's contest for further details! And remember: if
it's not Hip, it's crap.
Anyway, please do stop by and visit us in
our new lounge, Hennings 102, and kick
back and grab a (insert favourite soft drink
name here) with some fellow science students (Well, after the pop machine gets
fixed...). We won't bitc.unless you're into
that;)
Internal Vice-Prez
Reka Sztopa
W
11, a huge congratulations goes
out to everyone on First Year
Committee.
Our event, Capture the Flag, was a huge
success. We had two teams of dedicated
warriors pitted against each other to find
the flag. Neither team could find the flag so
the match ended in a draw once the forest
turned black. Celebrations followed with
pizza and pop and prizes were awarded to
each team as well as some "most valuable
player" awards. Thank you to Jo and her
res floor in Totem, the kids in education
and all of FYC for pulling of such a wicked
event.
On another note, make sure to take a look
at the contact info and office hours for your
SUS council in this issue of the 432. Stop
by and say hello in Hennings 102.
Signing off,
Reka
Senate
Publications
Chris Weston
Hey Everyone, I'll be your new Director of Publications for the remainder of of this school year. In case
you don't know, that means that I am
responsible for publishing fine publications such as the 432, although the real
credit for this paper goes to our editor Jay
Garcia and the dedicated group of people
we have writing and working on it. Without
them, this paper couldn't be produced.
In the world of other publishing, I have
also been working on updating and
improving our SUS web site. Hopefully you
will find it more helpful than before, and of
course if you have any ideas or comments
about it, please e-mail me at
wcweston@interchange.ubc.ca. If you didn't even know we have a web site, you can
view it at www.ams.ubc.ca/sus. It's a great
source of information for science students.
Some of the things it includes are information about your executive, your department
reps, your club reps, current SUS events,
an online version of The Guide, and an
online version of the 432. That's about it
for this week.
Timothy Chan
All's quiet on the Senate front. Other
than that, I'd like to invite y'all to
come visit our new home deep in the
caves of Hennings. It's actually quite cozy
and bright...but don't bring a Geiger
counter...what you don't know won't hurt
you. Oh, one more thing. I've been talking
to a few people who have an exam hardship
(three or more exams in 24 hours).
Remember, you can get the second exam
moved to a different date provided that you
talk to your prof ahead of time (like right
now!). Good luck with those last few
midterms/projects/papers/assignments/r
eports/essays/labs/formals.
Social Coordinator
Katharine Scotton
Another quick exec report from me.
The Christmas Party will be on Dec.
16th (Sat.) in room 212A of the SUB.
It will run from 4pm - 8pm, and all science
students are welcome. There is limited
capacity in the room, so first come, first
serve. We will have all sorts of goodies, like
eggnog, punch and cookies. So come on out
and join the festivities, and good luck
with those finals. Also, we have started
a SUS bzzr gardening crew. Contact me
if you are interested in joining us on
weekly garden crawls.
Remember, if you want to help out with
events, be sure to e-mail me or visit me
during my office hours (posted in this issue
and on the door of SUS).
kscotton@interchange.ubc.ca
Enjoy the holidays!
Katharine
Public Relations
Adam Mott
People say to me; Adam, what is going
on in the wonderful world of Public
Relations and its Officers? And now
it has come time for the answer... Donuts
and Coffee are going on in the Public Relations world. Next Wednesday November
22nd the new SUS office will be open to
provide all your caffeine needs. And I
know you all need caffeine. From 8 to 10
AM there will be coffee and donuts for only
50 cents each. That's right, we have
SUGAR too. Until they are all gone we will
have fresh donuts to be consumed. So
come on out and support the United Way
by filling yourself with coffee and donuts.
You'll be the happiest, hyperest person in
your 8:30 class.
Editor
Jay Garcia
F
|ree! free at last! Hahahahahahahaha!
Released from the shackles of having
to write these god-damned things! I
have but one thing to say to all of you!
Blimey! Good riddance! Actually, I'll miss
you all terribly. And I'm really pissed that
no-one decided to figure out who those
strange people were on the back of the last
issue of The 423! Nowbeggone! Else I shall
sic my Hessian mercenaries upon you!
Sports Rep
Sara Stamm
DEADLINE FOR HANDING IN
RECEIPTS FOR REBATES IS
NOVEMBER 30, BY 4:30PM! YOU
SNOOZE YOU LOSE!
For all those of you who don't know
yet, I am giving 50-60% of your team
registration fee back to you IF you are
a Science team in intramurals this year
(league sports or one-time tournaments),
PROVIDING that you provide me with the
right information ON TIME. I will be giv-
are
ing no exceptions to those of you who
too late.
The info that I need from you is a copy of
your registration "fee paid" receipt and
your team roster, as well as the name of the
person or constituency that the check is to
be made out to. You can bring that information to me in SUS (Henn 102), and if I'm
not there, leave it in my mailbox.
Start getting teams together for next term,
because those who do well will receive
great things.
Signing out, your ever faultless sports rep,
SaraStamm
Taking Care of Business
Chris Weston
Lavatory Technician
I'm thinking that we should move SUS
into the men's washroom. I know that this
seems like a somewhat unusual proposition, but let me explain myself. Anyone
who has stopped by the recently relocated
SUS Lounge will agree with me that the
new room is a little more space challenged
than the old lounge. Perhaps you'd even
like to call it "cozy." Believe it our not, our
new room is not a psychology test trying to
determine the minimum space people can
occupy before going crazy. It's really our
new spot.
It may sound like I'm complaining about
our new room, but I'm not. I do think it is
great that Physics offered us space in Hennings. What I'm really talking about, here
is priorities. Priorities just aren't in place. I
mean, take for instance, the men's washroom on the basement floor of Hennings.
You walk in there to do your business (if
you're a guy that is) and you practically
walk into an arena. On the horizon you can
barely make out the tiny toilets. You start
on the journey to the far side of the room,
and eventually you make it over to the
other side. Hey look, this vast land is occupied by other creatures which come to
relieve themselves as well. You might even
be able to make one of them out in the distance. Okay, so I'm exaggerating a slight
bit, but the room is pretty big for a bathroom! Who really needs a room that big
just to go to the washroom? Certainly not
any normal person. I can't of the last time
I required 30 feet of space just to go number one. Then of course there's us. We
manage to fit computers, desks, a pop
machine, four couches, two photocopiers,
and a moose head into a space the space
the size of a walk-in closet. Now who's efficient?
I propose we have a referendum for the
"Science Washroom Program," because
science students need a place to relax and
kick back too. What place could be better
than a men's washroom? If approved, we
will move the current SUS Lounge in the
Hennings 1st floor men's washroom.
There's no need to redecorate or renovate;
let's just leave it as it is! At least we'd feel at
home because people spend a huge amount
of time in their bathrooms. We could also
rename it the "SUS Washroom."
To me, the "Science Washroom Program"
just makes sense. Not only would we be
helping the allotment of rooms to be more
sensible, but I bet we would improve our
efficiency and productivity by at least a few
hundred percent as well. Where else, other
than a washroom, do you accomplish so
much work in so little time? The answer
my friends is no place! You're in, you do
what needs to be done, and you're out.
There's no fooling around. Also, not only
would we have a sink again, but we'd have
a whole bunch of sinks to do all sorts of
neat things with. And those toilets, well
who can't think of great things to do with a
toilet (besides the obvious of course)! For
courtesy of others in SUS though, I think
we should probably decommission the toilets from their previous duties. It'd get too
nasty if we didn't.
Let's not forget the very best part about
the men's bathroom. We could pretty much
be as dirty and messy as our little hearts
desire, and no one would notice because
it's the men's bathroom! We've all seen the
SUS Lounge after it has been cleaned, and
we've all seen it five minutes later when it
looks more like a garbage dump than a SUS
Lounge. Why bother to clean it up anymore, let's just let it be. So enough of this
talk, I say we go ahead with it. Let's get a
place we can really call our own - a washroom. A place where every science student
can come, and a place where we can fit
inside. We'd definitely be the faculty with
the coolest lounge, that's for sure!
If you can stand the strange, noxious
odours wafting out from behind the computer office, the SUS lounge is a great
place to hang out and just plain ol'chill.
I've been stuck in this place (well, the
idealized concept of SUS) for nigh unto
six or seven years.
Chris, as the Director of Publications, is
off to a good start. It's his first year here
at the University, and he intends to stick
around and shepherd this here paper.
Which is all well and good, but this paper
isn't exactly a sheep. It's really more
goatlike: smelly, ornery, and liable to eat
anything placed directly in front of it.
Good luck, Chris!
-ed Page Eight
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
24 November 2000
God Damn Us, Every One
Andy Martin
Head for a Century
I'm pissed off. No, I mean I'm really
pissed off. More than usual. Pissed
even beyond the range my "violent"
and "potentially unstable" mood swings
take me. A great man once said "I want to
fuck everyone, I want to burn everything, I
want to kill everyone in the world (or so, I
can't find the NIN lyrics sheet)." Said man
may be a borderline lunatic, but he's
famous
and therefore great. But regardless, it
takes a special kind of state of mind to personally associate with this
depressing/angry quotation from a millionaire Hollywood white boy.
But what the hell am I doing, about to take
up your time with a personal rant? Well,
because this is a unique situation that I
believe you'll find interesting in addition to
the humour you'll find at my pain. That's
what I'm here for. Anyways, to my pain:
God, I hate Americans. I really, really hate
Americans. I pride myself on not hating
anybody/thing. Anger, that's a whole different State of Florida. Writing this paper
every other weekend, Jay and I often burst
into a tap dance number of the 'I Have an
Overwhelming Urge to Burn Something'
theme. But that's undirected aggression
(i.e. anger), not hate. I have very little hate
in me, most of it for Americans. True, I
work in Alaska (my present locale), will
probably be going somewhere in the states
for Grad
School, and do enjoy the pubic- I mean
public, services of Nevada, but I just can't
stand damn Americans.
Now, any Americans taking advantage of
UBC's low tuition, high alcohol percentage,
and overabundance of hot women and
reading this may be offended. Rest assured
that this is a purely reactionary stance from
months of harassment. Being a working
Canadian in the U.S. like being a Negro in
a Steinbek book. I keep expecting the
townsfolk to show up to my doorstep with
torches, pitchforks and a noose. You see,
Americans can no longer release their sexual frustrations by beating blacks, Jews,
gays or David Koresh. It's just not PC anymore. So what can they do about it? They
turn to previously under-utilized racism
resources,.lesser resources not used before,
but turned to in a time of need.
Read the average American comedy act.
It's full of jokes about the French, the
British, and, or course, Canadians. No
jokes about blacks, Jews or gays (unless the
comic themselves are of that order, in
which case, it's their entire act).
And then I come up to Alaska, and have to
live in the middle of it. The phrase 'everyone's a comedian' holds true. And the fact
is that 90% of the population doesn't know
what's funny.
For instance, in my mission briefing yesterday, an American responded to my BC
Lions jacket (w/ CFL maple leaf logo) by
singing the words 'O Canada' (the words,
not the song) over and over to completely
random and off-key notes. Ha ha. This is
irritating enough without considering that
this has happened at least ten times this
year.
I responded "What, you don't like Canadians?"
"Oh man, don't get me started."
Huh? What could he possibly have against
us? I endured another day of being referred
to loudly as 'that Canadian'. He shut up
pretty quickly when I asked him why it's
still called the 'U.S.A.' and not 'New North
Vietnam'.
Now the U.S., there's a country to hate.
They gave us capitalism beyond all, an
attempted invasion in 1812, the nuclear
bomb and the ensuing 50 year treat of
being caught in a nuclear crossfire, continued global imperialism and the entire MTV
pop band/GAP/Starbucks/Windows95
horse manure smoothie they call 'culture'.
And they wonder why everyone hates
them.
Recently, there's been constant joking
about a war between Canada and the U.S.
It may be a joke, and they might have an
armed forces larger than our entire population, but we'll win hands down if we ever
come head-to-head because of three
points:
1) Half of the country doesn't know where
to attack.
(Note: In the bar last night, I told an
Alaskan I was from B.C., he replied
"Where's that?' You know, that province
bordering you on the South?)
2) Recent history shows us that when a
war breaks out involving the U.S., there's a
mass run for the Canadian border. More
than enough human shields.
3) It's right there in the U.S. Constitution:
'Firearms are not allowed off the playground.'
Recently, reading a book on Vimy Ridge
(when I told an American that my book was
about Vimy Ridge, he replied: "Who?'), I
found that some of the best fighters were
drunk out of their tree. If there's any significant correlation, well beat 'em easy. I
start feeling drunk on about 4 Canadian
beers. I recently sat in an American bar
from 5pm-3am, drinking constantly, and
didn't even begin to feel out of it.
And then there's the liquor stores. Last
year, a shining ray of holy light came down
and God planted some Big Rock ■ in an
Alaskan liquor store for me to uncover.
This year, God forsook. I can't find it anywhere, and the store clerks had never
heard of it. It was replaced by a multitude
of 'Pete's' beers. I don't know who Pete is,
but his beer sucks.
Last year, I picked up a sixer of 'Pete's
Winter Ale'. Now, living in Vancouver, one
learns that Winter and Christmas Ales kick
ass, so I thought this one must be good. I
brought it back to my apartment, cracked
one open, took a swig, placed the bottle on
the table, and
promptly hemorrhaged. I neglected to
read the fine print that it was a
'nutmeg ale with raspberry flavouring.'
(yes, I added the 'u' in there, so sue me)
Going to the movies costs $12 Can. (with
no concept of cheap Tuesday), CDs are
$23, and a shot of the cheapest scotch can
run up to $10. What have I done?! I left it
all behind. All the life, the love and the luxury. This is the worst mistake I've ever
made in my life. Well, the second worst...
God, I hate transvestites.
Wow. It was going really, really well
until the Transvestites line. Then again,
I'm not exactly sure why Andy hates
transvestites so much, considering that he
looks really good in a skirt. Oh, all right,
it's a kilt, but he's just got the kind of legs
that would look good in something soft
and frilly, if you could ever shave off that
unsightly forest of hair.
Whoa. That's way too much thought on
that topic.
-ed
We are now located
in Hennings 102.
Come check out the
new office and use
our $0.05
photocopier, $0.75
pop, free water,
free phone, free
computers etc.
Come and talk to
our friendly SUS
Councillors. Office
hours and contact
information are on
this page.
SUS COUNCIL -OFFICE HOURS 2000-01 :
TERM1
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
8:30
Anna
9:30
Linda
10:30
Jason E.
Katharine
Warren
Keri
Katharine
Karene
Keri
Katharine
Theresa
11:30
Sara
Alan   Lana
Keri
Sara
Natasha
Nadine
Sara
12:30
Sameer
Ben
Corrie
Myk
Reka
Adrian
Corrie
Jason C.
Dan
1:30
Tim
Juliana
Chris W.    Myk
Tommy
Sherry
May
SUS COUNCIL
2:30
Julia
Janek
Kristin
Kenneth
Janel
Viktor
Ryan
3:30
Jaisun
Katharine
Scarlett
Adam
Ryan
4:30
Jaisun
Peter
ISCIENCE COUNCIL 2000-2001
NAME
EXECUTIVE
Keri Gammon
Reka Sztopa
Ajay Puri
Sherry Yang
Jag Dost
Chris Weston
Sara Stamm
Adam Mott
Katharine Scotton
Timothy Chan
OTHER
Sameer Wahid
Jay Garcia
YEAR/DEPARTMENT
POSITION
Scarlett Yim
Jaisun Garcha
Janel Casey
May Tee
Juliana Lam
Theresa Liao
Jason Elliott
Paul Dhillon
Sameer Wahid
Mike White
Kristin Lyons
Adam Wright
Dan Anderson
Corisande Baldwin
Jason Chuang
Tommy Gerschman
Julia Haber
Benjamin Warrington
Natasha Szucs
CLUB REPS
Ryan Morasiewicz
Gloria Wong
Gina Tsai
Linda Miller
Warren Cheung
Adrian Mitchell
Viktor Brumovsky
Anna Voeuk
Janek Klawe
Chris Gin
Karene Chu
Peter Sidhu
Aaron Baxter
Greg White
Nadine Ho
Alan Warkentin
Kenneth Kwok
President
Internal VP
External VP
Secretary
D of Finance
D of Publications
Sports Rep
Public Relations Officer
Social Coordinator
Science Senator
Science Sales Manager
Editor of the 432
REPS
General Officer
General Officer
General Officer
General Officer
First year rep
First year rep
Science One rep
Coordinated Science rep
Biochemistry rep
Biology rep
Chemistry rep
Computer Science rep
Earth&Ocean Sciences rep
General Science rep
Geography rep
Integrated Science rep
Math & Stats rep
Microbiology rep
Pharm & Physiology rep
Physics & Astronomy rep
Psychology rep
AIMS rep
Biosoc club rep
BPP club rep
Chem club rep
CSSS club rep
Dawson club rep
General Science club rep
Geography Students Assoc
Integrated Sciences Assoc
Math club rep
MISA club rep
Physsoc club rep
Pre-Dental club rep
Pre-Medical club rep
Pre-Optometry club rep
PSA club rep
SOS club rep
STORM club rep .
EMAIL ADDRESS
kagammon@interchange.ubc.ca
rsztopa@interchange.ubc.ca
apuri112@yahoo.com
sherryyyang@yahoo.com
jag517@home.com
wcweston@interchange.ubc.ca
sastamm@interchange.ubc.ca
admott@interchange.ubc.ca
kscotton@interchange.ubc.ca
timchan@interchange.ubc.ca
wahid@interchange.ubc.ca
jgarcia@interchange.ubc.ca
sluscious@hotmail.com
jaisung@home.com
jbcasey@interchange.ubc.ca
mctee@interchange.ubc.ca
juliana__y_t_lam@hotmail.com
theresaliao@hotmail.com
jeelliot@interchange.ubc.ca
paul_dhillon@hotmail.com
wahid@interchange.ubc.ca
michaelw@interchange.ubc.ca
kristinlyons@home.com
gomacleo@hotmail.com
psycho_dan@hotmail.com
corrie@infomine.com
[jchuang@pobox.com
tommydg@interchange.ubc.ca
jhaber@interchange.ubc.ca
benjawar@interchange.ubc.ca
natszucs@interchange.ubc.ca
ryanmor@interchange.ubc.ca
wayne_wong@telus.net
gina_tsai32@hotmail.com
diamondsteed@hotmail.com
wac@intergate.bc.ca
adrianm@interchange.ubc.ca
viktor@interchange.ubc.ca
'avoeuk@interchange.ubc.ca
|jeklawe@interchange.ubc.ca
tamiya_guy@hotmail.com
kchu@physics.ubc.ca
gusidhu@interchange.ubc.ca
baxterboys@bc.sympatico.ca
gregwhite14@hotmail.com
nadineho@interchange.ubc.ca
neurosurgeon@dr.com
kennetkL@interchange,ubc.ca

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