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The 432 Feb 8, 2006

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8th February 2005
If A equals success, then the formula is: A=X+Y+Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
 -Albert Einstein
Disaster Shines on      cSmJi
Lower Mainland       Attach 432
Recent episodes of horrific, sunny
weather in Southwestern British
Columbia have confused and disoriented residents of the Lower Mainland.
Traffic accidents have skyrocketed due to
the sudden exposure to the bright light and
many members of the community have
reported seeing permanent sun spots even
after only a minute or two of exposure to
the full strength sunlight, the likes of
which they haven't seen since mid October.
Constable Rick Weatherspoon of the Vancouver Police Department said, 'Today
has been worse for automobile accidents
than the last time it snowed ten centimeters in Vancouver."
As a result of the anomalously nice weather, schools and businesses have been
closed across the city of Vancouver. Residents have been advised not to leave the
house unless it is absolutely necessary. A
state of emergency has even been declared
over the city by mayor Strato Cumulous.
Pasty skinned south coast natives have
been caught totally unaware by the sudden
appearance of the sun and hospital emergency rooms have been overwhelmed by
an onslaught of burn victims and patients
with damaged cornea.
Many patients sport second and third
degree sunburns they obtained when they
stepped outside briefly to gaze as that
wondrous ball of burning gas we call the
sun. Shocked and enthralled by its reappearance, they stayed there for up to ten
minutes, which according to health professionals, is nine and a half minutes too long
to be safe.
Jenny and her son Toby were waiting to
be seen at VGH this afternoon, but were
expecting to wait eight hours as a result of
the backlog. Toby, a toddler, didn't know
any better and wandered out into the yard
while his mother wasn't watching. By the
time Jenny noticed he was missing it had
been five minutes.
It is uncertain whether or not the tot's delicate eye's can be repaired after this damaging exposure to powerful winter sunlight. Doctors are warning that if, due to
your house spontaneously collapsing or
combusting, you must step outside, you
must first apply 350+ SPF sunscreen, wear
polarized sunglasses, and be fully clothed
in at least six layers.
To protect citizens, a curfew has been
imposed from sunrise to sunset. Anyone
caught out of doors during daylight will be
immediately arrested. Gordon Campbell,
in an effort not to make the same mistake
as the US President after their most recent
disaster, has already implemented a relief
plan for the Lower Mainland.
"We will build a huge disk with which we
will be able to block out the sun and prevent such a tragedy from ever occurring
again." Campbell said in a press conference today. Critics have already lambasted
the plan as outrageous. "We would have
done this years ago to protect the citizens
of Vancouver, but it simply is not economically feasible," said NDP opposition
leader Carol James. "What we really
need," she continued, "is to remove the
problem all together. We must send a rock
et to the sun to destroy it so a travesty of
this magnitude never occurs again."
It is expected that the NPD will use this as
their main campaign platform in the next
Provincial election to be held May 12th,
2009. The NDP, ejected from government
after a series of scandals in the 1990's,
expects this promise to bring them back
out of the political black hole they have
been trapped in since the election of the BC
Liberals in 2000.
In addition to harming locals, the break in
the clouds has confused the flowers into
believing spring has sprung. Daffodils can
be seen poking their cheery heads up all
over the city.
Barney Glotz, of UBC Wetlands, fears that
local bogs will be unable to recover when
the rain returns. "This is a delicate ecosystem," said Glotz, "with this recent spate in
warm weather it is entirely plausible that
we will soon not have a wetland to protect!" Having survived peat fires, refuse
dumping, and encroachment of the city, it
would be a tragic debilitating loss to the
society to have their cause dry up on them
like a broken liquor line during prohibition.
This sunny streak has lasted six hours and
thirty-one minutes as of print time. Much
to the relief of the local population, Environment Canada weather forecasters are
predicting a return to the soggy conditions
that the city knows and loves. By tomorrow morning it should be safe once again
to venture out into the wet, wet world.
During The 432 group writing and
publishing gathering last Wednesday one of the writer's, who chooses to remain anonymous, caught an airborne strain of writer's block, and had to
be hospitalized for three days. Doctors say
he will have lifelong difficulties and may
never be able to write funny material
This new strain, Writer's Block 5N1,
which originated in Australian pigs is
causing an epidemic of unfunny and crap-
pily written articles worldwide. A previous pandemic of writer's block, which scientists recently discovered also originated
in Australian hogs, caused the 1924 "year
of suxxOr humour and literature", which
literary and journalistic scholars have been
working around the clock to avoid
A possible treatment for the latest strain of
writer's block is high quality marijuana,
which will soon be made available for purchase over the counter at drug stores.
According to Health Canada, good writing outweighs the negative effects of marijuana. A Heath Canada PR representative
was quoted, "I see great benefit in allowed
the medicinal use of formally illegal drugs.
Hey, they help me be creative in my
accounting. Oh no, I've said too much..."
The PR representative has since been
arrested for tax evasion.
Due to its contagious nature, it is recommended that bystanders stay as far away
from neurotic, alcoholic writers and journalists, unless you offer them a joint first
which will render the virus inactive.
8th February 2006
Volume Nineteen
Issue Eight
8 February 2006
Colleen Atherton
Lik Hang Lee
Varun Ramraj
Dan Anderson
Lois Chan
Nicholas Gurewitch
Marlon Richmond
Frank Yang
Andrew Pare
Martin Sing
Martin Wlodarski
Edward Cheung
Patricia Lau
Kiran Bisra
Cameron Funnell
Jamil Rhajiak
Michael Duncan
Lisa Frey
Jon Lam
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is produced by the students of the Science Undergraduate
Society in the depths of the IFPO. All
views expressed in this rag are
strictly those of the individual writers, and as such are not the responsibility of The 432, The Science
Undergraduate Society, or the Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit their
material to the 432. Submissions
must make the editor chuckle at
least thrice, and must contain the
author's name and contact information.
Contact us at: fhe432@gmail.com,
don't be foo nice or we won't take
you seriously.
Apocalypse Predicted in Form
of Resurgence of the Nineties
Prophet DireStraights revealed a prediction last week that the end of the
world is nigh. The apocalypse will
apparently culminate in a horrific resurgence of the Nineties. While heralded by
some as a welcome relief from the current
monochromatic trend of pop music and
reality television shows, others fear this
will only result in an infinite loop of bad
The apocalypse was slated to begin sixteen years ago, however, it was thwarted
by the Power Rangers. "I thought that the
Power Rangers would kick off the apocalypse quite nicely, but for some reason it
didn't work," said The Great Slammer in
the Sky, "I had quite the complex about
this for a number of years and that is why
it has taken me so long to get the apocalypse back on track. Don't worry though,
this time I'm not going to let anything stop
DireStraights tells us that first all the faithful Pog players will disappear into thin air.
Who knew Pog was the true religion? Fortunately only three people still actively
play the game, so Limbo will be a lot more
fun than Heaven. God has been unclear as
to how orthodox one must be to get into
Heaven, so it is possible that anyone who
still has a Pog slammer hiding under their
couch may be eligible for eternal happiness.
Steven Wright, visionary, comedian, and
now, Antipog, will be handing out dance
Canadians In
Trouble as
Political Party
wins Election
Dan Anderson
One Interesting Fellow
In an unsurprising turn of events, yet
another Federal election was won by a
political party. While reactions across
the board were varied, it was uniformly
agreed that this was cause for greater consumption of alcoholic beverages.
"This year, we thought it'd be different,"
said political analyst Dr. Mark Winter. "We
were all hoping beyond hope that somehow we wouldn't have to deal with a political party winning the election. At least it's
a minority, I suppose."
While young people voted in record numbers this year, partly due to the success of
the "There's more to me than you think"
campaign from Elections Canada, most followed the traditional route of voting for a
political party. "Well, I just didn't know
what to do," said an anonymous 19-year-
old. "I'd never voted before, so, you know,
I figured give it to the guy who bothered to
come to my door and answer a couple of
questions. How was I supposed to know he
was a politician?"
Said Dr. Winter: "Yes, it could be considered stagnant. Any time you don't have
enough change occurring, you have the
possibility of having a status quo that is
sub-optimal." There have been an unbroken chain of winning political parties in
Canada since September 20th, 1867 - one of
the longest streaks in North American history. This year was the 39th General Election, and in each of them a party has
remained victorious.
cards and forcing people into an eternal
boogie, while preaching slanderous, hilarious one-liners. In addition to the backfiring of the "Power Ranger Plan," Steven
Wright was accidentally sculpted by God
as a harmless comedian, rather than a raging, angry demon.
Bukamon of the Digimon clan will be the
Second Pogger of the Apocalypse according to DireStraights. "Behind his/her cute
exterior lies an orgasmic soul hell bent on
domination and the skewering of puppies," said Straights. Apart from his/her
sexual ambiguity, Bukamon is very fierce
and can cause brain damage.
the Third Pogger of the Apocalypse, John
Goodman, is designed to travel both by
horse and foot, because most horses will
run in fear when they see his general largeness. His biggest ass(et) is being able to
throw his victims into a never-ending,
inescapable orbit around himself, never
able to reach food or water.
The Fourth Pogger, Death, however, is
missing from the prediction as he recently
resigned from his post. While reports are
still unconfirmed, it is hypothesized that
he married and moved to the suburbs, now
has two children and is kept on a short
leash by the wife. Unconfirmed rumours
are abound that Hades is currently accepting applications to fill the vacant post of
Death, seeing as Death has now found
himself a life. Although, many contend
that this kind of life is really no life at all.
Since DireStraight's predictions last night,
Salvation Army and gaming stores across
the nation have seen a rush of people looking to prove their true faith by buying up
as many Pogs as possible, regardless of the
price. Like so many who think they can
buy redemption by donating a tiny fraction of their earnings to a cause, it is likely
too little too late.
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Steven Wright, Bukamon, John Goodman, and the
Grim Reaper.
4&j^*;» v*. .
UpC Circle K Volunteers is putting on a Pancake Brjpkfapt
Fundraiser for the Stephen Lewis Foundation, a chjmf'neliing
* African children affected Ijy AIDSJf?"'     /
\   Wed, Feb 8@ SUB Ps^m^^M^W
Hope to see you there!
Same great event, brand spanking new
Come find us in the breezeway between
Chem blocks B and 0. 8th February 2006
Page Three
The 432's
UBC Student
Guide to World Shortfall due to
Andrew Pare
During the many years I have spent
in school I've found myself studying the history of emperors, kings,
and dictators as they struggle for power
and the expansion of their state. Throughout every new war, battle, or political
movement I've always had one thought: I
can do better than that guy.
So, without further introduction here is
my plan to take over the world.
The first step of my plan would be crucial
to everything else as many of you will recognize by experience. I must quickly and
decisively conquer Australia and use that
as a base to launch an invasion of Siam.
Next step would be to cash in my Risk
Cards for new armies and expand slowly
through Asia.
With my power base established I can
turn my attention to more egocentric work.
Every empire needs a capital and mine
would be the new free city of Andrewopo-
lis built on the shores of Antarctica, just to
piss of all those penguins. The image of a
new world leader is also very important as
to create the proper impression. Castro has
his cigar, Osama has his AK-47, and I will
have a spiked iron gauntlet. I will also
need some kind of cool, exotic and deadly
pet to sit by my throne or recliner. I'm currently considering taking applications
from scientists who will try to cross breed
tigers and lions to create a Liger with
magic powers.
The next step in the expansion of my
empire will be to manipulate other countries from within. I can donate heavily to
the Republican Party during the next
American elections and get Jeb Bush elected. Can you imagine what he would do to
outshine his brother. Fox News and all its
subsidiaries will then be the victims of my
hostile takeover to control world media
(I'd still be less partisan than Rupert Murdoch). With this entire media network
under my control I can pick a minority at
random and hold a grudge against them.
The propaganda campaign against them
comes next. Right now I'm leaning towards
picking the people of Estonia. Their main
industries are electronics and potatoes so
you know they're up to something. I bet
there is some kind of electric mashed pota
to conspiracy going on.
Okay I'm getting a little distracted so I'll
stop this and return to world domination. I
will then invade Russia in the winter
because if people keep trying it is bound to
work. Seriously, all you need to do is give
your troops a little extra clothes and fuel;
how do you screw that up? At this point I
will probably be of some concern to
NATO, the UN Security Council, and
James Bond. Hopefully, England, America,
France, Germany, and China adopt a policy of appeasement to allow me to build up
my forces again.
Turning to internal matters of state I can
focus on rallying the people behind me. I
will make the trains run on time and punish the Estonians for causing economic
hardships. I'm sure there will be some
opposition to my rule that has built up
over the previous years so I will have to
deal with that. The next great political
purge will take place to remove internal
opposition to my leadership and provide
my Gulags with fresh labour. Traditionally
forced labour doesn't produce the best
quality so I won't have them run anything
critical. Instead the work-camps will build
a second object visible from space with the
naked eye to prove the superiority of my
state. After that they will start construction
of a new great pyramid to house my tomb,
but with even more mummy guards.
With all these traitors put to work I will
have to replace them with true comrades.
To create a loyal bureaucracy I will expand
the Vancouver Andrew Institute into a
global recruiting and training school (this
is a real school at Broadway and Yukon;
check it out the next time you're on the B-
I will also have to find an arch-enemy like
MacGyver, Magnum P.I., Ferris Bueller, or
Roger Ebert (I hate his stupid thumb).
Arch-enemies are crucial to any great
world domination plan as they provide a
bit of challenge to make victory even more
satisfying. My arch-enemy will meet his
demise in a pit of venom-less snakes and
poisonous mongeese, just to screw with
I don't have much else planned right now,
but to me it sounds pretty good. I hope my
ideas have inspired you all to go home and
start your own plans for world domination. Maybe, start easy and design your
own castle and work your way up to engineering a robot army. Long live the state of
Next Publications Meeting:
Thursday Feb. 23 @ 6pm in IFPO
New writers welcome!
We'll provide the food and bevies,
you bring the goods, you know
what I'm talking about. We talked
about it last time...
Sticks and Stoners
In an act to appear moral, and to comply
with the wishes of musicians everywhere, all file traders were imprisoned
yesterday. Consumer groups were angry
as 70% of the population between the ages
of 12 and 24 has each been charged with
grand theft audio, each with over $1000 of
stolen music on their hard drives. People
up to 95 years old have also been sent to
prison, along with some prison guards,
doctors, judges and police officers.
Artists as a whole, when reached for comment, responded that all the thieves
deserved their punishment and had it
coming. They later responded that if no
arrests took place, all musical artists would
strike leaving the world a music-less place.
Dr. Nick Dillinger, a UBC Music professor
struck back at, as he called them, self
absorbed artists, by saying that music will
never cease to exist. "Music will remain.
Had there been a music strike, all the old
music would still be played. It would actually be a positive, as nobody would have to
hear an Ashlee Simpson song ever again."
Danny Chong, a Law Professor worried
about the influx of the prison population.
"Now that they've jailed 70% of the youth
population, the only people between 12
and 24 not in jail are the goody-goodies.
This is not what is best for society. Who are
the lawyers going to defend in the future.
Many of my most brilliant students are in
prison for at least 20 years.
One bright side to this new enforcement
of ordinary youth in Canada is that since
felons are now allowed to vote, jailing
most of the youth will actually increase the
voting rate of people in their twenties. If a
political party would advocate the pardoning of all file traders, the party would likely sweep the youth vote. When reached for
comment, all major party's refused to support the incarcerated youth.
Martha Piper though was very happy
with this result. "Now without those dirty
vagrants taking up seats in the provincial
university, we can now allow lots more
international students that pay way higher
tuition. That will make us truly a world
class university. Also, the new ultra rich
residents of University town won't have to
deal with all the poor local students that
were expected to lower the property val-
Pedophilia Reviewed
Some company sent our entertainment
editor to see The Lion, the Witch, and
the Wardrobe several months ago.
You have probably all now seen it
(accounting for its spectacular box office
profits so far) and so this review will be
totally inconsequential to you all and NO
ONE will read it, or make a decision
whether or not to go see the movie because
of it.
Not that I would necessarily have particularly recommended the movie anyway.
You see, when I read the book as a child, I
really didn't get the sense that Lucy and
Tumnus the faun had a pedophilic relationship. That appears, however, to be the
way that the director did.
A few notable scenes include the kidnapping of the little girl by the faun, for his
own benefit, and at the very end of the
movie, the animal appears to be about to
go in to kiss the innocent little girl. The
movie does move along at a fast pace, with
lots of special effects around every corner.
The movie tries to be a "Lord of the
Rings" type epic but manages only to
comes off as fairy tale with one slightly
cheesy fight scene. This Narnian world
seems like an under populated fantasy
world without the attention to detail that
makes Middle Earth so realistic. The ending battle, though quite grand in scale, is
rather tame - the realism of blood and guts
filtered out for all the kids who will see the
film. I will give them props for the animated animals though, that is the one place
where the skills shone through.
Have you ever watched the Ironman Triathalon and
thought, "pssh???l could do that"? Well this is your
chance to get out and show us what you've got, or maybe
just prove to yourself that you're Triatheiete material.
That's right, UBC Rec proudly presents the UBC Tri/Du-
athalon 2006! This MASSIVE event is the largest indoor
triathalon in North America, with many levels of competition available there's something for everyone, no matter
what your skill level. This year is also the introduction of
a formal awards ceremony being held in the Student
Union Building after the event, a great way to connect
with other triathletes. The big event is on Saturday March
11th 2006, you can register online or in person at the
front desk of the SRC, Registration is filling up quickly so
don't miss your chance! See you on race day. Page Four
8th February 2006
Science Week 2006 was a tremendous success. From Jello Wrestling, to Sci factor, to Science
Olympics, to Cold Fusion, and to the multitude of events that UBC embraced, Science really showed
their spirit! And then, there's the icing on the cake...the Ladha Science Social Space began construction! A big congratulations goes out to the SUS VP External, Jonathan Lam, for all his work planning
and coordinating the festivities!
The remnants of the original steering committee for the Abdul Lahda Science
Student Social Space (Reka, Dan, Patricia) pose with the groundbreaking
cake showing us all you can have your cake and eat it too.
Unmasked at last! Mr. Incredible's identity revealed in a vat of jello
Page Five
Because fighting crime is tough
Little does Mr Incredible know what he will
soon be facing in the ring of jello
Congratulations to
Chris Anderson and
Martin Lopatka for
•        • .1        r»   •
Scavenger Hunt
If you ddnT have lime to
buy your SUS merchancJse
during science week dorrt
despot, there Is sfl flme.
To purchase yours, ptocso
emal 1he432@gmal.com
Cameron Funnell
As I cleaned up for the AWESOME Cold
Fusion, I happened to find a $10 bill in m)r
pocket. How did it get there? I don't know.
I also found 63 cents on the ground. That
made $10.63, nothing to scoff at!
Reveling in my good fortune, I happened
to glance across the garbage strewn Party-
room. There I saw a one Ms. Gina Eom,
tirelessly picking up beer cans, moving
tables, and occasionally flying through the
air. Now for those of you who don't know
Gina, let me tell you a little bit about her.
Gina was the SUS Vice President Internal
in 2003-2004. In 2004-2005^ she was a student Senator elected at large. In 2005-2006
she was re-elected as a Senator, and also
became the Student Senate Caucus chair.
As you may know, she was elected to a
third Senate term in the recent AMS elections.
Now why, may you ask, was Gina cleaning up after Cold Fusion? When she could
have been doing countless other (more
fun) things? Why because of Gina's
humanity, her benevolence, her altruism,
compassion, and generosity.
As I watched this heart wrenching display
of philanthropy, I made a decision. I knew
I could have used that $10.63 in my pocket
to buy 10 chocolate bars. Or perhaps one
really big chocolate bar. Or maybe even
hundreds of tiny little chocolate bars. But I
decided to follow Gina's example, and use
that money to help other people.
And thus the Gina Eom Scholarship of
Excellence was born.
The $10.63 will be prudently invested.
Assuming reasonable market conditions, I
hope to average a 3.1% real rate of return.
This will allow me to give out an $0.08
scholarship 4 times a year while leaving
the principle intact. I have generously doubled the initial sum, and thus each scholarship will be worth $0.16.
Scholarship recipients are to be determined by a committee composed of: Me.
The committee will be accepting applications throughout the year. Applications are
to be in the form a short essay, reflecting on
an incident where the applicant demonstrated unparalleled benevolence towards
humankind. Recycling, or helping move a
TV are prime examples.
If the committee has heard of an outstanding individual who clearly deserves the
scholarship, then he or she may receive the
scholarships without an application.
All decisions of the committee are final,
and are not subject to appeal.
The scholarships are to be awarded at the
end of each term, during the second to last
SUS Council meeting.
So get those applications going! The Gina
Eom Scholarship of Excellence is yours for
the taking!
Photographs contributed by
Jamil Rhajiak, Edward Cheung, and
Lik Hang Lee.
Gina Eom namesake of the brand new Gina
Eom Scholarship of Excellence. Page Six
8th February 2006
Oh the Fun of Getting
to NYC
Little Fish
It's six am. I haven't slept for over a day.
I'm driving frantically, trying to make it
to the terminal. SeaTac has this fantastic
ramp leading to the parking garages.
Round and round I go, trying not to vomit.
I check in, and, waiting inline for my full-
body cavity search realize that my plane
doesn't take off for over two hours. Fantastic.
They told me to take off my shoes. I hate
taking off my shoes. I look at the gorilla
standing in front of me, and casually
remark that I don't really know how clean
their floor is. He's pissed now. He grunts
something and takes me aside to this little
inspection cubicle of transparent plexiglass. "I'd like to request a private room for
screening please; it's posted here that
according to TSA regulations, I have that
right." He's really pissed now. They hate it
when you use your rights. Utilizing his 36
IQ points with maximum efficiency, he
manages to use a walkie-talkie and find
out that such a room is currently unavailable. I'm sorry, what? No room. No screening. Kiss my ass. Bye. They let me take my
carry-on and go. I turn around and see the
ape move on to the next citizen of the land
of Stalinistic freedom and democracy.
"Take off your shoes."
I'm sitting beside a mother with child in
my sardine sized seat. My knees are
pressed up against my chest and all I want
to do is sleep. I love kids. I love them even
more when they start screaming at that
perfect frequency so as to make the fillings
in my teeth rattle. It's eight in the morning.
This is your captain speaking, "It's going
to be a tough day."
Off we go, in an arc across the nation. I've
done this many times. Off in a particular
direction, always heading east. Washington D.C., Philadelphia, Chicago - I've seen
them all. This time, five hours and two
time zones later, I happen to be at JFK. The
Big Apple, oh how wonderful! I've never
been here before and am almost giddy as I
start getting off the plane.
Admiring the little ramp that keeps me
from falling onto the tarmac (why are the
screws so rusty?), and wondering why it's
so incredibly cold, I start moving through
the terminals maze like corridors. Now I'm
-Paul Lu
i consider myself pretty
atheist... do you hclicvo
in God?
waiting at baggage claim. Nightmarish
thoughts of lost baggage bounce around in
that hollow space recessed in my skull. I
can't think of anything else. What if they
lost my suit?!?! I'm screwed. Where is it?
I'm sweating slightly now, looking nervously from side to side. Not too nervously, for the good folks at Homeland Defense
might think that I have something to do
with 'them.' A mild heart-attack later,
there comes my solitary bag. Every time I
have to pick up my bags it's like this,
except sometimes I have a small stroke.
Now onto the most colorful part of any
visit to NYC, the subway ride into Manhattan. I think I'll give you all the pleasure
of relating my adventures on BC Transit's
steroid munching east coast brother - the
Howard Beach station at JFK is wonderfully decrepit and surrounded by high concrete fencing, and very much like Alcatraz.
I wait for the train for 20 minutes. It's
freezing and the wind isn't helping any.
Why do Americans say Canada is cold? I
wish I could swallow my suitcase right
now for two reasons: firstly, skills like that
impress chicks, like the one sitting beside
me and, secondly, it's harder to rob a man
who just ate all he owns. I actually don't
know where I'm going, but I know that I
have to get onto the A-line. The steel gray
cars are covered with graffiti. "Fuck" is
written in wonderful colors on the side of
my chosen car. That sets the mood quite
nicely. The orange interior is very welcoming and soothing. If only there was a disco
After about a half-hour in the deafening
rattle of the subway car, I lean over to the
guy sitting beside me and ask him, "How
long until 168th St.?" Staring at me like an
idiot, he says, "You're really far away." He
pauses and adds, "You're in Brooklyn
now." He blinks and stares hard at me. Is
he going to kill me? I'm scared. Brooklyn!
Right, it all makes sense. Oh, so I'm not in
Coquitlam anymore! Where did that dog
of mine go - Toto!
I'm wonderfully impressed by the friendliness of New Yorkers. In the twenty or so
stations that I passed through as I headed
from JFK to 168th St., I did not witness a
single murder. I think that's a record of
some sort. I pull into my stop, marked by a
string of "168's" printed neatly about a foot
from the ceiling. The green and white tiles
on the stations walls are all intact and covered with surprisingly little grime. Not bad
■i'm an agnostic with a      .
vague interest in hindu
for one of the world's biggest financial centers and richest cities.
168th St. is in Washington Heights, just
north of Spanish Harlem. Walking along
the street, I feel like I'm a big city boy now.
Have I spent my entire life living by a tractor milking cows? Looking around, I'm
admiring the wonderful architecture and
the dark and seedy looking apartment
buildings. Passing by the Armory, I get
ugly looks from the packs of men standing
around. I'm trying to memorize each of
them to give the police a really accurate
description of the guy who's about to steal
my wallet. Right across the street from the
Armory is the ER of New York Presbyterian, conveniently located to deal with any
stab wounds. My suitcase bounces jovially
behind me screaming "Rich tourist!!" with
every little clatter of the wheels. The CCTV
cameras hanging off of every building corner don't exactly exude safety and comfort
in this part of town. It feels like I've been
walking forever. I hope I'm going the right
way - yes, there it is: Ft. Washington Ave.
The apartment block I'm staying in actually has CCTV in the hallways. At every
blind corner, the cameras are focused seriously on the stains I see on the floor. They
eerily resemble dried up pools of blood, or
they could just be old tomato juice from
Bloody Mary's. I could really use one of
those right now. The fellow I'm staying
with isn't answering his call button. The
security guard won't let me up. I don't
have any university ID. What am I doing
here again? Why am I here? Oh no reason,
you bastard, I just come to strange places
with a suitcase, and tell people that I'm
from Van-cou-ver, Ca-na-da, eh? I'm a little slow. Can you point me toward my dog
A random girl comes up to me, she knows
my name, and I shake her hand rather
uncomfortably. I'm a little spooked now.
It's my hosf s wife. A few minutes later, all
the horrors of a day of wonderful travel are
behind me and I'm tucked neatly away in
my NYC apartment. I don't even have to
venture outside, for, so I'm told, groceries
are delivered right to your door. I'm also
told that porn can be delivered right to
your door too. No point going to the video
store anymore. Oh, why didn't I grow up
here? So many wonderfully awkward
moments could have been avoided.
Ahh, New York City - if you can survive
making it here, you can make it anywhere.
but i don't subj
-cribe to any mainstream religionsiif!
that's what yoij  I
, ,   Jesus loves
nave vou accepted^".,
.      ' ,    ,       me you
Jesus as your lord
and saviour?
■jr\   ^>\
h 4 \ A r v^ki I :wJ ■■
"     '    '     pHERJH
/T~V\ Sam ?>\
Ass (Jan 17 - Feb 15)
You will have success in life and career
pursuits, that is if you can make it through
the next week. After Monday's visit to the
pit your hemorrhoids will burn. You don't
have hemorrhoids? Guess again.
Louse (Feb 16 - Mar 14)
The August Personage dictates that you
are running out of shampoo and hair. Best
run to the new Pharmasave so purchase
some ridiculously priced Rogaine.
Water-buffalo (Mar 15 - Apr 13)
Become incensed this week when people
try to milk you for all your worth! They
will be devastated when they realize that
you do not dispense milk, but water
Mosquito (Apr 14 - May 12)
Your incessant high pitched whining will
only get you smacked. I suggest you relinquish your parasitic ways and pursue
some symbiotic relationships. You will
find that your advances are much better
received when your colleagues realize that
you are not just out for blood, giving only
viral diseases and itchy welts in return.
Moose (May 13 - June 11)
You and your Squirrel sidekick will have
a great week. But watch out for the communists.
Mole (June 11- July 9)
Your nearsightedness this week will not
allow you to see the big picture. It is time
to come out of your cave and see the world
for what it really is. Terrible. You will then
crawl back into your cave, assured in the
knowledge that it is the best place for you.
Woodpecker (July 10 - Aug 8)
Friends and relatives have been calling
you names behind your back, can you
guess what those names have been?
Seagull (Aug 9 - Sept 7)
Mine. Mme-mme-mme-rrune-mine-mine-
mine... mme-mine-mine-mine-mine! Mine-
mine-mine-mine-mine. Mine? Mine.
Squirrel (Sept 8 - Oct 6)
Stop stealing my fruit! I know you did it. I
found the peach peels on my chesterfield,
by the window. Yeah, that's right, you got
sloppy and now I'm on to you. You couldn't get my melon though, yeah, I fooled
you with my melons.
Aardvark (Oct 7 - Nov 5)
You have a nasty habit of sticking your
enormous nose where it doesn't belong.
Although in the past this has proven fortuitous, chances are next time you are going
to get stuck. Stuck like the kid who sticks
his head through the banisters on the stairs
and gets stuck and then he has to be cut
out. Yeah you don't want to be that kid, do
Sloth (Nov 6 - Dec 4)
I know you like to take things slow, so this
one will be at your pace You	
will  have a... productive week.
You will move a .. whole six....
Calamari (Dec 4 - Jan 16)
Shake off the shackles of shame. Since
sadness saddens, surround with songs and
sunshine! Surely stammering slander stops
still slightly short of slamming salamanders. Should seasons start sucking, someone shall sexily slip-slide shoes south. 8th February 2006
Page Seven
The Fantasmical Drawers of SUS
Patricia Lau
Immediately after you finishing perusing this lovely paper, go check out the
construction site between Hebb Theater
and Chem/Phys. No, your eyes will not lie
to you... you will indeed see a great big
hole in the ground and the beginnings of
our social space. Check out
for floor plans and more detailed information. However, if you are interested at all
in the progress of the Social Space and/or
interior designing, we need you! On February 9,2006, SUS Council will be appointing students to the Science Social Space
Student Steering Committee. The commit
tee will likely meet once a week beginning
in February to talk about the progress of
the space and most importantly, what the
inside will look like. We'll be deciding on
furniture, colour schemes, materials used
and more. So, if you are keen to be
involved with this project, come on out to
the council meeting being held in SUB 206
at 1pm on Thursday, Feb 9. Unfortunately,
if you are a student graduating in May
2006 you are not eligible to sit on this committee for continuity's sake. For more
information about the committee (or if you
can't make the meeting), email sus@inter-
Lastly, I currently sit on the Search Committee for the Dean of Science. The search
is in progress and we are hoping to have a
new Dean in place by mid summer!
Lik Hang Lee
D. of Publications
Applications for funding for the 432
archive project are in...its only a
matter of waiting for the response
from UBCs funding committees.
The IFPO is available for student use. If
you would like to produce a publication
(such as a newsletter, or yearbook, etc),
please email me to make arrangements.
And just a reminder that 432 t-shirts are
available for $10. You can pick yours up by
emailing me at the432@gmail.com, or at
the SUS lounge (LSK 202), or at the IFPO
office at the SUB basement across from the
photocopy room.
Mike Duncan
Public Relations Officer
ow, that was one AMAZING
week and I am now exhausted.
I want to put out a very special thanks to
all the professors who volunteered to help
out with the Science Week charity which,
for this year, involved them getting a pie to
the face. Another big thanks to all the volunteers who helped out during Science
Wee; it wouldn't have been possible without you guys. In just the pie the prof campaign, we raised over $200 for the Science
Week charity.
Science Jackets are going going gone. We
have had a great response to these jackets
and I have just put in another order to get
some more made. Right now we are offer
ing the jackets for $160, but that is already
after a $40 subsidy. I am going to look for
ways to make the jacket cheaper; however,
the price to students will most likely not
change in the near future. I want to thank
the AMS for helping fund the $40 subsidy
on each jacket. I am hoping to see all you
awesome Science students walking around
campus showing the 'geers who really has
We are working hard to get patches for
these new and wonderful jackets. But we
need YOUR help!!! If you have any type of
design skills and want to see your patch
design around campus then please help us
out by submitting a design or two. We
need designs for departments, clubs, sporting activities, council members, hacks, editors and other such things. Just DO IT!!!
Thanks once again to all of you who came
out to a science week event, you made it an
awesome week.
Jamil Rhajiak
Director of Sports
WOW, was science week awesome
or what? And you know what
was even better?...Ya that's right,
what's better was how amazing Science
Olympics was! Six teams competed in a
fierce battle for bragging rights and some
cool Science UBC swag. Ultimately, the
Earth and Ocean Sciences team came out
on top proving that they are the department to envy. Thanks to everyone who
came out, I hope you all enjoyed your free
burger and I look forward to many of you
returning for the next Science Athletics
event...which currently is TBA. But keep
your eyes and ears peeled for posters and
classroom announcements!
Kiran Bisra
VP Internal
What did I do for the past two
weeks for SUS? For the undergraduate science students of
UBC? For the good of outrageously old
turtles? What did I organize, work on, or
fuck up?
1. Academic Committee - Student Perspective Profiles: The profile included
things like the average to get into the
department, how many people each
department takes in each year, etc. The
profiles will go online on the SUS website
to help students who haven't decided on
their major yet.
2.. Science Week: This week brings out the
best and brightest in our faculty. And
when I say the best, I mean people who
will do anything to skip class. And when I
say brightest, I mean people who are smart
enough to willingly get whacked with a
raw fish.
-First Year Committee: FYC organized a
BBQ, and SciFactor.
-Purchasing an obscene about of sticky
stuff to be lathered all over Dave Claussen.
-Preparing for the wet t-shirt contest I
wrapped 15 wet t-shirts and placed them
into a large bag. Then I put the bag into the
-Coming up with inappropriate things for
professors to say: Stayed up till 5:00 am
coming up with "test-tube" metaphors and
metamorphic petrology puns - it's all
about wet stuff between two rubbing
-Keynote: Dr. John Hepburn was one of
the best speeches I've ever heard. Always
remember, the best research is the kind
that changes the way we think.
-Cold Fusion: I was supposed to clean up
after Cold Fusion, but was too inebriated
to be much help (as were many of the other
I'm sure I did things during Science Week
to serve the students of UBC. None of
those have been included in this report.
Please send any concerns, comments, or
questions to vpi.sus@gmail.com
Jon Lam
VP External
Another Science Week has come and
gone. Thanks to all the volunteers
who helped make the events possible and thanks to all who participated!
Whether you were at the Chemistry Magic
Show, the Prof Talent Show, Jello
Wrestling, or the Keynote, we hope you
had a good time! Incidentally, now is also
the time to let me know what you thought
of Science Week 2006. Tell me the good, the
bad and the Jigly, while it's still fresh in
your minds! Hopefully, with your feedback we can make Science Week better yet!
You can give me a shout at txm@inter-
Until next time, happy reading break!
Lisa Frey
Science Week is the crowning gem of
being a SUS exec. I encourage all of
you to throw your blood, sweat, toil
and tears into this celebration of faculty
spirit, especially because our Science Social
Space is underway!
While most of my normal secretarial
duties have been suspended, by the time
this week is over, I have had/will have had
the rare opportunity to gather unique
experiences such as:
-sitting outside in the freezing cold
whacking passersby with a dead fish (Dear
Classmates, I swear, that's what that smell
-carrying a dozen blocks of ice with
tshirts supposedly embedded in them in
hopes first year students could be persuaded to pee on them
-brainstorming chemistry lab masturbation puns till 6am
-figuring out the exact number of students in Chem B250 at 2:00pm on Tuesdays
-helping a UBC Bookstore employee take
apart a cabinet
-attempting to make SUB 212 more hospitable to gangstas..and the groupies they
bring in to help them "get up" for the show
-attempting to gauge at what point the
drunken engineers should be cut off from
the beer tickets...
-molesting my gorgeous, exotic roommate while half naked in a giant vat of jello
(Dear 10th grade field trip parents, I apologize in advance for what your son or
daughter may observe; my behaviour does
not represent the Science Undergraduate
Society, AMS or the University of British
Columbia, but merely the universal exigence of college girls to experiment...)
For those who know me, you know that
this is merely scratching the surface of my
duties for you, the Science Student.
The only letter not
appearing on the Periodic
Table is the letter "J".
The non-existent Black Hand strikes again. 8th February 2006
Page Fight
A Message From The Future,
And It's A Review!
Frank Yang
Dancing with the Devil
Love is in the air, or at least it will be
just in time for reading break. And
what better way to celebrate with
your sweetheart than sharing your make
out noises with a theatre full of movie
goers? I don't know. My love life is a desolate blast crater surrounding the Fortress of
Solitude, as seen in Superman: The Movie.
That movie is incidentally quite old, not
like the slew of new releases which
inevitably debut right before Valentine's
Day. Yet which movie to see? There's nothing worse that having the romantic mood
unexpectedly ruined by zombies exploding under heavy machine gun fire - unless
you're into that sort of thing, in which case
it'll be zombies exploding in a touching
morality tale of self discovery. But by the
time new reviews are available, the holiday occasion might have already passed.
Quite the dilemma. Not even movie
reviews can break the rules of temporality,
or can they?
Using my considerable precognitive abilities, I shall connect my psychic conduit
with the Grand Astral Consciousness to
reproduce from the harmonic resonance
aura of the metaspace manifold a movie
review I will write a week from now, concerning a yet to be screened new release.
All for your benefit, busy reader. I use my
powers for good. Now, let's see. I sense
this movie has a very prominent M or a D
in the name. No? Maybe a P? It has sound?
It's in Technicolor®? P it is, who's even
now sending you regards from the great
beyond and marvelling at how much
you've grown.
With such masterworks of surrealist cinema as Cheaper by the Dozen, Cheaper by
the Dozen 2 and Cheaper by the Dozen 3:
Blood of Innocence under his belt, Steve
Martin had long ago established himself as
a giant of bleak social satire. Therefore, I
was quite surprised by his boyish good
looks and the sharp departure from his
earlier roles to play the lead in the inaptly
named The Pink Panther, a touching war
western set on the hellish oil fields of the
Alberta wilderness. Then I realized I was
in the wrong cinema, again! Fortunate,
really, because I if I stayed any longer I
might have developed a purely platonic
mancrush on someone completely unrelated to this review.
In any case, Martin plays Jacques Clouse-
au, a grizzled veteran beat cop from the
rough streets of New York who at times for
some reason wears a funny hat. He, being
the best the force has to offer, is brought in
to investigate the brazen theft of a ruby, or
diamond, or maybe one of those Macguffin
rock candies on a ring. Choking hazard or
no, Clouseau is asked to solve the case
with all haste by Dreyfuss, some guy so
important his name is second on the IMDB
cast list. Together with Cockney tough
sidekick Gilbert Ponton, played to perfection by Jean Reno despite his unconvincing
British accent, the two set off in search of
cheap liquor, free love, and perhaps a
aiminal mastermind or two.
Drawn by a deepening mystery, the duo
follow the trail of clues to such exotic
locales as Paris, Berlin, Moonbase Alpha,
and Vancouver doubling for New York.
Along the way the sleuths run into thief
suspect and pop sensation Xania, played
by the talented Beyonce Knowles. I wish to
bring special attention to Ms. Knowles'
performance here. In every one of her
scenes, the actress/singer/song artist/producer moved with such intense precision,
it was as if some great, unseen "director"
was exacting her every action. At one
point, her performance dazzled the screen
to such an extent I became temporarily
The pair, now a trio, is by treachery or circumstance ensnared in a series of hairy situations, only to be saved time and again by
Clouseau's sharp eye and even sharper
wit. All of this culminates in a grand finale
that I won't spoil for you, but has to be
seen to be believed watched. Steve Martin's highbrow banter, exemplified by his
subtle yet hilarious fart joke, may be off
putting for the intellectually lazy movie
goer expecting the plot to hold his hand
through every detail. However, for those
willing to commit to the film, Len Blum's
cerebral script is a rich tapestry one can
appreciate like a fine wine. All the more
unfortunate I should be one of the lazy
ones who found the dialogue about as
engaging as a baked potato.
Going into the movie expecting an experience not dissimilar to having one's artichokes sat on by a 500 pound gorilla
named Bess, I was sorely disappointed.
The movie's decidedly meek torture of
physical violence and crease free sight
gags erected only the meekest of response
from this reviewer, not even a single
Kleenex worth. I'm saving my tears for an
intentional disaster tragedy film.
Incidentally, now that I think about it I
actually rather like baked potatoes. If anyone else is interested in a cook off, I'm free
Tuesday. Ladies?
And that, as they say, is how you should
not end a movie review.
Ratings: Two boxes of Smarties, one tub
of popcorn and a flat cola.
Because This is Actually Important
Cameron Funnell
So Senate met this Wednesday. The
only things I have to report that won't
be censored by the "Brain Rottingly
Boring Police" are the following: A motion
to change promotion requirements in the
Faculty of Science was passed. To gain second (or third or fourth) year standing, certain things have to be accomplished (i.e.
numbers of credits completed). These standards have been made slightly more stringent. For your average diligent science student this shouldn't be a concern, but if
you're floating on the edge, you may want
to check out the revisions in the UBC Calendar next year. Or you can email me and
I'll show you the changes before they get
published. A "sneak peak" if you will:)
I just realized that not everyone knows
what exactly the UBC Calendar is. I
remember in first year I though it was actually a calendar, like one you'd have on
your wall. I didn't understand why people
talked about it so much. Well in fact the
UBC Calendar is a big book (which is also
online at http://students.ubc.ca/calendar/)
that contains pretty much all of UBCs academic policy. All the courses and degree
programs that are offered by UBC are in
the calendar. So are all the regulations to
do with... well everything. For example,
did you know that you have a right as a
student to see your marked final exams? It
says so in the UBC Calendar. If your prof
won't let you see your final exam, go find
the calendar and throw the book at them!
(Metaphorically speaking.) Senate is in
charge of making modifications to the calendar. Things like adding new courses. Or
say... changing promotion requirements
(see previous paragraph).
The second somewhat interesting thing
that happened at Senate was that continuation requirements for Honours degrees
were made more stringent. Before the
wording in the calendar said that honours
students were "expected" to follow the
program as set out in the calendar. Now
they are "required". Also, honours students now HAVE to complete at least 30
credits in each winter session. On a personal note I'd like to mention that if you
talk to your program advisor about your
honours degree, sometimes the rules can
bend. SOMETIMES. Don't take my word
for this. But you know what I'm saying...
In other news, my pet project on third
party recruiting is still going. (I'm trying to
oppose a UBC plan to use a third party
firm (Can Zhong) to recruit and "pre
screen" potential international students
from China.) The AMS, GSS and Student
Senate Cacus have all passed policy
motions calling on UBC to develop an official policy regarding third party recruitment before entering an agreement with
Can Zhong. I've also bugged the Ubyssey
into running a story about the issue. It
came out sometime last week. Check it out.
Your student Board of Governors representatives (Tim Louman-Gardiner and
Quinn Omori) have been fantastic on
working on this issue from the Board end.
The proposed contract between Can
Zhong was put to Board, but Board decided to wait until the Senate ad hoc committee looking at third party recruitment is
finished its examination. I'm happy to hear
that several board members (other than the
students) were concerned by the proposed
contract. Even the Board Chair said "it just
doesn't sit well with me." So I'm happy
about that. Yay, I've done something. If
none of that made sense to you... well I
don't blame you. If you're interested in
knowing what it's all about, just email me
and I'll give you the (long long... long)
Next week I've got three Senate Committee meetings in three days. Curriculum,
Library, and Teaching and Learning. The
dashing education Senator, Joe Mergins,
has been working on an idea for mid term
teaching evaluations. I think it's an idea
with a lot of potential, and I assume we'll
be going over it in detail at Teaching and
Learning. If you want to give me any feedback about this idea let me know.
And finally: Just because I have so little to
do, I've joined a little unofficial committee
started by a "grown up"  senator, Dr.
William Dunford. We're going to be discussing the way in which credits are
assigned to courses, and how the current
system can be changed for the better. The
basic idea is to "remove the hard relationship between credit values and the lecture-
lab-tutorial vector". I don't know if this
will come to anything, but it's an issue
we'll be looking over for the next few
That's about all. A lot eh? I've been keeping busy. If anyone finds me collapsed
from exhaustion in a stairwell or something, just slap me a few times and tell me
to get to work.
A Road Block
on the Path to Wellness
7th Annual Conference
presented by
Alternative & Integrative Medical Society
Evolution of Stress |    Environmental Stress i  Mindfully Eating
Women's Health and Stress 1 Pre-natal Stress  I Effects of Stress on Health
Yoga  j Cranial Sacral Therapy Massage I  laughing therapy
... and moral
Saturday, March 18, 2006
UBC Forest Sciences Centre
For Conference Details & Registration:
tnfo@aims.ubt.ca     |    (604) 822-7604


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