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The 432 Oct 16, 1996

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 "Graduating in four years is like leaving a party at ten sober." ~ Ancient wisdom
Oil Discovered on
Endowment Lands!
Tuition could be cut in half!
Bob D. Fibble
Senile Correspondent
VANCOUVER (AP)
During recent excavation
underneath the new
noodle bar in the
Student Union Building, a contract worker was surprised to
find oil oozing out of the
ground near a new pipeline.
The thick crude
was coming
from, a previously unknown
seam of oil
located below
the north end
of campus. —————
"I sure as hell was surprised to
see it gushing up, but it did
mean an early lunch" stated the
worker.
AMS executives were very
quick to react.
"I really think that this represents a potential solution to
every student's financial nightmares at UBC. Not to mention
assured re-election for myself.
Just think about it! Tuition cut
in half. Subsidies for on- and
off-campus housing! Pie R
Squared pizza for under a dol
lar!" said AMS President David
Borins.
Borins also released a document outlining a comprehensive development plan for the
resource and emphatically
pointed out the paragraph in
the release stating that "essential SUB services such as The Pit
Pub will not be affected by this
discovery."
"I feel that we can extract the
 oil without disrupting student
life too much."
said Borins "By
drilling when
the SUB is
closed, between
one and seven
in the morning, students will
notice very little actual difference. Except for the fact that
the noodle bar will never actually open."
Within hours of the AMS's
press release, the University of
British Columbia elegantly
pointed out that the land on
which the SUB resides is actually being leased to the AMS and
that all mineral rights to the oil
still reside with the university.
"Don't get me wrong" stated
UBC President David
 ■ u
Woohool"
- Dr. Dave Strangway
  ii —; ,_
^z^   tv   r^\.
a
Strangway, "The money will
still be used to make student's
lives better while they are at
UBC. But I don't think we'll see
anything like Mr. Borins is predicting.
"Fees have to be paid. Taxes
take their share, and there's the
university faculty to consider as
well. I mean, we're not exactly
rich. Well, maybe we are rich,
but not that rich."
Under the UBC Oil
Development Plan, drafted and
cut by the Ad Hoc Advisory
Committee for Policy Analysis
and        Natural Resource
Assessment (AHACPANR, a new
committee) within twenty-four
hours of the discovery, the
entire Student Union Building
would be torn to the ground.
Says committee chair Ralph
Peterson, "We can't efficiently
extract the oil with the current
structure still standing. It will
have to be removed to allow the
erection of a full scale oil rig to
expedite the procedure. It's not
like it's a big lose, I mean, we've
been trying to get rid of that
SUB for years. We find that students are less likely to get organized to oppose fee increases
when they have no common
gathering place.
"And when all the oil has been
removed, the land could then
be sold off as condos. Just think
of the profit opportunities! It's
prime real estate!"
An earlier draft of the UBC Oil
Development Plan proposed
putting the full size oil rig in
McKinnes Field to preserve the
Student Union Building. This
draft was quickly rejected after
it was pointed out that this
placement of the rig would
cause a 1% reduction in the
speed of oil extraction and on
account of the fact that the
grass is "just so darn pretty."
No sooner than UBC's official
plan was in the hands of the
media, the BC Government
stepped into the matter claiming that the terms of the
University Endowment Act of
1921 clearly states that the mineral rights of the land remain
with the BC Provincial
Government and that all, if any,
development should be conducted qnder the supervision of
the Ministry of the
Environment.
Hon. Paul Ramsey, BC Minister
of the Environment, stated in
an exclusive 432 candid inter
view at The Pit Pub (next to the
discovery sight) Tuesday "Hey,
thanksh for all the bzzrh. Yeah,
anyway, I'm supposhed to go
out there in a few minutesh and
tell everyone that we'll be doing
an extenshive environmental
impact shtudy. But that'sh hig-
wish.. hogwast... that'sh just a
crock to get the environmental-
ishts off our back. Heck, for
thish much money we'd strip
mine Pashific Shpirit Park. Shay,
do I know you? What'sh that
whirring noishe?"
A more detailed breakdown of
the government's proposed uses
for the proceeds from the oil
site show that only 2% of all
revenue would be directed back
at the post-secondary education
system and that UBC students
would see no benefit at all.
However, it is interesting to
note that over 50% of the revenue is to be used for something called 'Forestry Renewal
Fund Payback.'
The whole plan was called off
after a closer analysis of the
black fluid determined that it
wasn't oil at all, but was,
indeed, stale Pit Bzzr that had
seeped through the floor over
years of spillage.
Liferafts to be
Installed in SUB!
"These birds are getting bolder..."
Maurice Spoonbender
Roving Correspondent
VANCOUVER (SP)
As part of upcoming safety
renovations to campus,
liferafts, life-preservers
and other floatation devices will
be installed in both the SUB
Partyroom and Ballroom.for use
in emergency situations that
may arise during events held in
those rooms.
"Last year we almost had a
tragedy on our hands when a
first-year student was nearly
drowned after three kegs overturned near him" says AMS
President David Borins.
~ "It was unlike anything I've
ever seen in my life." states the
student. "There was this incredibly loud rushing sound and
then all I could see for a while
was red.
"It was so overwhelming. I
think I'll become an engineer."
Events such as the Science
Undergraduate Society's
upcoming Oktoberfest routinely move well over 1,000 litres of
soft alcohol into the ballroom
for distribution.
"That's enough refreshments
to give one thousand people
three drinks each," stated SUS
Social Coordinator Mike
Boetzkes.
When asked if there was a
potential risk to students
attending these events,
Boetzkes replied "Absolutely,
and that's why SUS is trying to
get the fluid from the kegs into
the student's stomachs as fast as
possible to limit the potential
for accidents.
"But, if something did go
wrong, the student body has
our complete assurance that
we've been trained in the proper use of the new safety equipment. I even learned how to
row, neat, huh?"
Each year, over forty thousand
litres of bzzr is senselessly lost
in spillage related accidents. The Four Thirty Two
16 Oktober 1996
Greetings
earthlings.
Jennifer Babiak
Sadistic Columnist
With graduation looming at the end of this
year for me, alternately looking like a life preserver to
a drowning woman, or a gaping
chasm of unknown depth to a
falling woman, people are
beginning to ask me the dreaded question: "So what do you
want to do after this?" To which
I keep stubbornly answering, "I
don't know." This is not true of
course; I know what I want to
do, it's just not socially acceptable to say it. Besides, anyone
who says that they know what
they're doing after they graduate is either lying, dreaming, or
going to grad school (translation: putting off answering the
question, and dealing with reality, for as long possible): But
regardless of what I end up
doing after I get out of this fine
institution, I do know what I
want to be. I want to be a mad
scientist.
And I don't mean like the ones
we've got around here at UBC,
either. Not that I'm slagging
them mind you, but a true mad
scientist could never obtain reputable, gainful employment like
that. Our profs are pretty cool,
though. Some have Einstein
hair, some are hard-core experimentalists that have it in their
wills already that they want to
be buried in their lab coats. I
know of at least one that can
tell you first hand how sticking
your head between the big magnets at Triumf makes bright
lights flash in front of your
eyes, and another that writes
pun-laden poems and sticks his
hand into molten lead to
demonstrate how if you do it
fast enough, and preferably
with sweaty palms, it doesn't
burn you (he's my hero). But
no, as fine a flock of nutty professors as UBC has, I don't see
myself as one of them. I aspire
instead to be one of those Tesla-
brilliant, maniacally grinning,
"I just built a death-ray; let's
find a really tall tower in a populous area to climb" types.
It's surprisingly easy to decide
to become a mad scientist. Not
just because some twisted little
part of your psyche has been
screaming since kindergarten "I
know they're not teaching me
the good stuff! When do I find
out how to blow up the neighbour's cat?" or "Wouldn't it be
fun to start a campaign of terror
against those foolish enough to
befriend me?" As for myself, it
came in second year, finding
out my mark for thermodynamics. Most of us know what it's
like to be relatively young and
unjaded, to have never failed a
course in your life, to still naively think of learning as fun, and
then to suddenly find yourself
mired in the life-sucking slime
of university final exam season.
At some point-your mind snaps,
and in this broken, gibbering,
ceiling-clawing state, you find
(to your surprise) that all that
crap they've been teaching you
makes more sense. So this is
why mad scientists are so brilliant, and why all the really
good mathematicians go insane
by the time they're thirty. This
is the trick. There I stood on
that momentous day, quivering
with dread in front of my prof's
door, ready to burst into tears,
preparing myself to have failed
for the first time ever at anything. I raised my woeful eyes
to the marks posted on the door
and...50%? I got 50%? I passed
thermodynamics?
I don't really remember much
after that; something about
capering up and down the hallways, cackling gleefully and
clicking my four-colour keener
pens like maracas, at least until
some profs tackled me to the
floor and sat on me while I
calmed down (no doubt they
had seen that sort of behaviour
before and knew how to deal
with it). And I knew right then
that I wanted to be a mad scientist.
Think of all the cool stuff you
not only get to know about, but
get to implement.
If you mix ammonia and
iodide crystals, you get a purple
precipitate that is stable when
it's wet and goes boom! when it
dries out (good-bye, neighbour's cat). If you feed seagulls
enough alka seltzer, they blow
up too (you can get arrested for
that, be forewarned). I used to
work with a guy who had once
made some diamonds out of (I
am not making this up) Skippy
peanut butter. Apparently, once
you get the temperature and
pressure right, you can make
man-made diamonds out of just
about anything that has a high
enough carbon content. Like,
for example, that English prof
who thinks anyone that knows
what a force diagram is must be
illiterate. Cackle, cackle, cackle!
MAN-made diamonds!
If you pour crushed alka seltzer
tablets into a sleeping room
mate's ear, and then pour in a
little water, they'll jump about
six feet in the air and probably
start banging their head on the
ground to try to make the
excruciatingly loud noise stop.
Very entertaining (at least up to
the point when they do get the
sound to stop and turn toward
you, dripping venom and looking for blood...). If you drill
appropriate holes into a plastic
funnel (while you're barricaded
in your closet waiting for your
room-mate to stop stabbing the
door with that butcher knife),
and put two loops of surgical
tubing through them, then find
a couple of heavy somebody's
to use as anchors, you've got a
water balloon cannon that can
bomb people two parking lots
away from out of a clear blue
sky. No one is safe; except you
because you have a good head
start. Fire it a little closer to the
person and you can probably
crack bones. And it is intellectually stimulating (n'est-ce pas?)
to know that the pteraster tes-
salatus starfish secretes large
amounts of thick, rubbery, poisonous mucus when it is disturbed (say, by being dropped
onto a sleeping friend's face),
and that this type of starfish is
found on the west coast of
North America. I haven't
caught one yet, but I'm sure
that being gone fishing all the
time is lulling my room-mates
into that false sense of security
which I find so important to the
enjoyment of the final outcome.
Electricity is a wonderful thing
too, but it bites back a little too
often. Always take precautions:
attach one end of a piece of
string to yourself and the other
end to the plug when you're
working with the juice. That
way, when you electrocute
yourself, the spasming of your
body will jerk the plug out
(works well when you're doing
it for personal recreation too;
keeps you from lighting yourself on fire as often).
See? It's so much more fun to
use your powers for evil.
Welcome to the imaginary axis!
May you cross and recross the
line between sanity and madness so many times, you all but
rub it out.
Jen hasn't been taking her medication lately. We're all rather
scared by this.
-ed.
Yet another
editorial
John
HALLETT
Ah, has it been two longs
weeks already? It seems
like only yesterday I was
pasting up the last issue at four
in the morning.
Well, time moves forward and
another issue is out for your
reading enjoyment.
What's new this issue? Well,
we have lots of new cartoons
for you to laugh at, groan at, or
rip out of the paper and set on
fire. Just remember, kids, fire =
hot.
Dead Giveaway, The 432 Dead
Pool continues. Look for an
update on who's alive and
who's not in this issue along
with a more comprehensive
version of the contest rules.
Lots of prizes are waiting to be
won and entry is free, so why
not?
Oktoberfest is fast approaching, and I thought "Hey,, what
better way to promote it than to
give out free tickets?"
So, 1 in 900 papers will have a
bona-fide ticket to Oktoberfest
hidden somewhere inside!
What a deal!
If you're not lucky enough to
win a ticket, they can be bought
in SUS or at the door for only
$6.
On page seven, you will find
The Drawers of SUS. Those of
you who are new to UBC may
not realize that this is a regular
feature of The 432 that gives
you an inskie look at what's
going on in SUS.
Enjoy!
Scientists photograph the elusive 'humour' gene.
Somehow Billy knew that he wasn't going to pass
Chemistry lab this year...
BUI Clinton
John Hallett
(fibble@unixg.ubc.ca)
Various Bob Doles
VOLUME TEN ISSUE FOUR
16 OKTOBER 1996
Mikey Boetzkes, Phil Ledwith,
Jeremy Thorp
Republican Party Press	
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Voters	
Tessa Arnold, Jen Babiak, Doug
Beleznay, Jay Garcia, Leslie
Gold, Jake Gray, Kathy Lo, Matt
Lukes, Tracy MacKinnon, Blair
McDonald, Kathryn Murray,
MicahReid, Jason Robillo, not
Matt Wiggin
Campaign Platform (mostly lies)
The 432, if elected, promises to
not only cut taxes, but to also
be the official publication of
the Science Undergraduate
Society. It would be printed
twice monthly from our campaign headquarters beneath
the Chemistry Building.
All views expressed are strictly
those of the individual writers.
If you wish to take legal action
against them, by all means, do
so. But, be warned that they are
politicians, and have the vast
legal resources of both the
Republican and Democratic
Parties at their disposal. All
rights reserved The 432 1996
Writers and columnists from all
faculties are encouraged to submit material to The 432.
Submissions  must  meet  the
strict deadline requirements
and should not exceed 700
words. All submissions must
make the editor chuckle at least
thrice and have your real name
attached (legal stuff) before
being printed.
The 432 does not support Bob
Dole for the US Presidency. We
don't support Bill Clinton
either. In fact, we feel the
whole world would just be better off if the US was run by a
mink.    - 16 Oktober 1996
The Four Thirty Two
It, ifc
)
A lesson learned from love.
Leslie Gold
No foot fetish. Really!
(mental note: spend less time
writing the article and more time
thinking of less cheesy, less
cliched titles)
So, in my defense, our relationship was mostly over
when I left my Nike
Pegasus's for the brand new pair
of shiny Reebok ERS 3000. We
(me and the Nikes) had been
together for longer than was
really natural or healthy.
Although it was only one of a
myriad relationships, it was the
most memorable; it was the
first.
We met in high school and hit
it off right away. I'm not embarrassed to admit that the physical part of our relationship was
the most important. The running that happened between us
was nothing short of mind-
blowing (especially considering
that it was both of our first
times). Our relationship wasn't
only physical though, we really
liked hanging out together and
watching TV or even just bumming around the mall.
Whatever we did we always felt
very comfortable together.
But,as is sadly the case with
most monogamous relationships, things began to fall apart.
Suddenly my Nikes no longer
offered me the support and stability that they always had and
after those went, the running
You know, there are certain
things in this life that
mystify me completely.
It's not that these things are
unknown to mankind in general, just unknown, or at least not
understood, to me personally.
Things like "Why gravity
works?", for instance. We've all
accepted the trend that when
you drop things, they tend to
fall downward. With a few
notable exceptions (birds go
sideways, bullets go up, and
feathers kinda move all over the
place), this rule applies evenly
to everything we might
encounter in our daily lives. But
have you ever stopped to consider why? Can you actually
explain how come things move
in the direction of each other? I
know that items of mass will
accelerate towards each other at
a rate proportional to their
respective masses. But why? (All
you physics majors just shut up
for this one.)
How come when I let go of
something, say a fruit salad, it
doesn't take all it's rich vitamins
and fruity goodness skyward?
(Although I admit, one day it
just might. I'm prepared for it.
Are you?)
I've resigned myself to not
knowing these mysteries in my
lifetime. I've decided that a
deep   understanding   of   the
was no longer pleasurable for
either of us. Again, in my
defense, to continue our relationship would only have
resulted in both of us getting
hurt... they were coming apart
at the seams and I was getting a
nasty case of shin splints.
Enter the Reebok ERS 3000,
stable heel counter, forefoot
cushioning, fully board lasted,
aesthetically pleasing and on
sale for $69.99. Okay come on,
tell me honestly that you could
have passed them up. So it
came to be that my Nikes were
relegated to the closet and I, a
little shook, a little heartbroken
and very much on the rebound
took up with the Reeboks.
In terms of trouble-filled relationships, it was one. Right
from the start cooperation was
basically zero. The problem was
that I am a biomechanically
efficient runner and the
Reeboks (well, bear in mind
that you are only getting my,
obviously biased, side of the
story) were just too controlling.
They were hard, rigid and
unforgiving. I felt like I had no
say in the relationship whatsoever. The relationship fizzled
quickly.
Meanwhile, while I had been,
ahem, getting acquainted with
the Reeboks, the Nikes and I
had taken some time apart.
However, after awhile they rid
themselves of the foul stench
caused by the many miles we
had been through together in
the course of our relationship,
and the blister spots I had gotten where they had rubbed me
the wrong way healed. My
point being that by the time my
relationship with the Reeboks
was over, the Nikes and I had
become fairly close friends. Our
relationship was strictly platon-
ic, we'd go to class together or
else we'd go window shopping
downtown, we'd hang out, like
old times but we never crossed
the line, we kept our relationship on a non-running plane.
This is the part where I screw
up. I really cannot defend my
actions from here on. Without a
pair of real running shoes in my
life, I found I was really missing
running... a lot. I really really
felt like I needed the occasional
satisfying run. So it came to be
that the Nikes and I crossed the
line. We began to run together
again. It was the end of what
could have been a long friendship. Apparently the Nikes were
still stinging from the abuse of
our relationship and were still
unable to give me the kind of
support I needed. Borderline
shin splints turned into severe
stress fracture and I was out of
action for the rest of the season.
The Nikes suffered as well,
although the time apart had
done them some good, the
underlying damage was still
there and they wound up
falling apart completely.
So that's my sordid tale. What
I've taken away from it is that
generally things end for a reason and just because lots of
time has passed, it doesn't
mean that those reasons have.
Matt says that I can't end there
because it's too serious and not
in the spirit of The 432 but I say
"piss off Matt, I'm tired and I
want to go to bed and if I want
to have a serious ending I will
and no bald-headed, skinny-
legged, bio-chem geek is going
to stop me, even if they have
been writing for this paper
longer than I have. And even if
I am using their computer to
write this."
Goodnight.
The Faculty of Science Presents
A lecture Series
for Ml Science
UndefgradBates
It's new and it's for yon!
Commercializing Scientific
Innovation
- A dangerous Hot exciting endeavour"
A Science First! Lecture by
Dr. Lome Whitehead
Department of Physics and Astronomy
Thursday, 17 October 1996
1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m.
IRC Lecture Hall 6
PARTICIPATE
QUESTI0NS7   CHLL BZZ-9B76
Time management.
advanced physics in play that
keep me on the ground aren't
necessary for my day to day life.
In fact, the only situation that I
can think of where knowing
exactly how gravity works
might affect things would be if I
were a cartoon character hanging in mid-air off of a cliff. And
in thaf case, knowing how gravity works might not be such a
valued piece of knowledge.
Enough about gravity.
There are other things that I
just don't understand. Like the
concepts of effective budgeting
and time management People
that know me will be slowly
nodding their heads as they
read this, but the rest of you
aren't blessed (or cursed,
depends on how you look at it)
with this knowledge. So, here's
a quick summary of my financial situation and current schedule.
I ran out of money last week.
Now, when most people say
that they've run out of money,
they mean that their flow of
spending cash has slowed to a
trickle. I've run out of money.
In fact, I have no food and five
dollars to last me until my next
paycheck, which is a few weeks
away. Don't worry, I'll survive.
Lots of people in and around
Kerrisdale happen to have vegetable gardens and I happen to
have lots of black clothes.
As for my schedule, it doesn't
seem too bad. I have a few classes, some time spent at work,
and some time spent working
on this paper. Not so bad. But I
somehow manage to use up
over sixteen hours a day doing
these things. I can't figure it
out. I've tried the whole 'schedule every minute of you life' idea,
and I saved over fifteen hours in
a week. That's on paper, of
course. It doesn't apply to real
life, especially when you throw
out the paper shortly after completing your schedule.
"So what am I trying to say?"
You might ask. I'm saying that
there are relatively simple
things in life that seem to elude
even the most scholarly of us
all. So what can we do about it?
Let's take a look.
Solution One.
Learn it all.
Yes, all of it. Everything you
don't know. If something puzzles you, sit down with a book
and read until you find the
answer.
Pros: This is what the ancient;
Greeks used to do. Well/ they
didn't actually read everything
in sight because most reference
books available today hadn't
even been thought of yet. They;
mostly sat around all 4a%&farik
wine, and theorized what might
be right without haying to go to
all that unnecessary bother of
actually proving anything.
Cons: Okay, it's an attractive
idea, I'll admit. But I'm afraid
that it's hard to make a living in
today's world with an occupation title of 'Theoretical
Philosopher   and   Full   Time
Wine Drinker." As much as we
would like to be like the Greeks,
we would actually have to read
the material. And that whole
scenario just reeks of effort.
Next!
Solution Two.
Consult experts.
Let's face it, as smart and conceited as we may be, there are
lots of things in this world that
we don't know that other folks
specialize in not only knowing,
but also delight in nibbing that
fact in our collective faces.
Pros: There's something to be
said about letting other people
do all the research for you. In
fact, there are large institutions
established around this country
for just such a purpose. UBC is
one such institution. If you
don't know something about
Stellarmagnetphyrdodynamics
(it's a real field of Physics, trust
me), just knock on your Prof.'s
door {until s/he answers and
question him/her to your hearts
content.
Cons: When somebody has
something you want, say
knowledge, and you are continually bugging Ihem for it, it's
only a matter of time before
they figure but exactly how
much money they can make by
charging for giving it to you.
Let's try something more cost
effective.
Solution Three.
Accept it.
It's time to face the music. We
can't know everything. If you're
still confused about exactly why
your feet are stuck to the
ground instead of spinning
freely two hundred feet overhead, don't worry about it. Just
be glad that your shoes think
that the ground is a particularly
good thing to hold on to.
Pros: They say that ignorance
is bliss, but I haven't the foggiest idea who 'they' are.
Regardless, it is rather pleasing
to sit on our collective rump
twiddling our thumbs all day.
In fact, we could take a lesson
from the ancient Greeks and
drink wine, too! Talk about
bliss!
Cons: After a little of this, Dan
Quayle-level questions start to
become legitimate challenges
and you begin to think of
Homer Simpson as a peer. This
just can't do.
Solution Four.
Give up and move to a
deserted Caribbean island
where you will survive by
collecting shellfish during
the day and trading rare
plants for manufactured
goods with the overwhelmingly attractive all-female
local population at night.
Pros: 'miff said.
Cons: Can't think of any, really. I believe that we have a winner. The plane leaves at ten, see
you there! 4
*. 4  *  » i   i  *   f »
Pace 4
iSHIUHHUtitt)
The Four Thirty Two
.f  -f   f rf-<   (  i-
*   i   i   4   *   »   t '
16 Oktober 1996
Mountain climbing.
Jake the Treehugger	
Not at all normal
You know it's going to be a
bad trip if it's raining
when you leave, or if the
mushrooms turn blue while the
sky turns white, but that's a
completely different story.
Actually, it's sort of the same
story.
Anyway, my and my friends
one day in August decided it
would be a good idea to venture
forth and snowboard on the
illustrious Mount Baker Glacier.
Now for those of you in the
know, camping on the glacier is
not allowed due to the high
probability that a large storm
can blow in at any time and
freeze unprepared campers. So
we, being the conscientious
campers/hikers/jnountain
climbers/secret agents/snow-
boarders that we are, camped
out a few clicks down the road
from the top parking lot. While
there, we met a group of what
we thought were exceedingly
well endowed members of the
opposite sex but who turned
out to be really smelly and dirty
due to the fact they hadn't
washed, brushed their teeth, or
seen the friendly side of a towel
in about a month. Where was I?
Oh, so we set out on the three
hour hike from the parking lot
to the actual snow level. No,
there is no relation to a three
hour tour, it just happened to
take that long, really. So it wasn't raining when we left, it was
actually quite nice out, slight
breeze, blue sky dotted by the
occasional wispy cloud, crisp
mountain air stinging the lungs
oh so gently, and a nice big
storm cloud coming up from
the south. So, off we go oblivious to the impending downpour looming on the horizon.
You know, you'd be surprised
at the plethora of life which
abounds on the border of the
heavens. I'd like to go on a field
trip up there for some botany
class, not that I'd ever take a
botany class. I don't want to
offend any botany students...
ah hell, I don't care about
botany. I don't know any
botany students. I don't know
anybody who knows any
botany students, why should I
care if I offend any of them. Ha
Ha Death to Botanists!!! I'm
really quite sorry for my outburst, but damnit it had to be
said and if I'm the one who had
to say it, then so be it.
So we were hiking along,
boards on backs, having a blast
amidst the local fauna, stunted
and twisted as it is, when out of
the corner of my eye I spotted a
big horn sheep. Just to insert a
bit of strange info here, my
roommate may soon be spending his days in the mountains
of British Columbia tracking big
horn sheep,  interesting guy.
Really. Territorially protective
sheep and young men on the
side of a mountain is not conducive to the interests of either
the sheep or the young men on
the side of a mountain. Now big
horn sheep are well named,
they have really big, really hard
horns. Sheep are supposed to be
timid happy little creatures
which munch on lichen and
leave glossettes for the passers
by, they're not supposed to
chase you down a narrow path
poking their large horns up
your caboose. They're also supposed to be superlatively <note
the large word> sure footed.
They're not.
I personally witnessed a big
horn sheep trip, tumble and go
hurtling down the side of what
I would call a very large cliff.
We were crushed, emotionally
traumatized. Those damn
botanist filled our heads with
visions of friendly fuzzy little
sheep. (Ah, Jake, I think Botany is
the study of plants. But, then
again, I guess if you think sheep
are plants...-ed.)
Listen up boys and girls, the
world's a big scary place full of
all sorts of really mean stuff
that's all out to get you.
Especially the damn mink,
those evil little weasels.
Ya know, you gotta wonder when
you have to tell your writers that
a goat isn't a vegetable.
-ed.
Dead Pool.
I just want to extend a cold
and clammy hand to all
those sick and twisted people
who actually went and handed
me a list this past fortnight.
There were, in fact, quite a lot of
you; so many that I can't list the
entries in* this tiny little space
the Editor gave me. What I can
do is give you an update on:
The Latest Deaths.
In the last two weeks, Robert
Bourassa, famous Quebec
seperatist, finally found the ultimate way not to be a part of
Canada any more. Robert Cray
also has gone to that great
printed circuit board in the sky.
Inventor of the Cray Supercomputer, Cray's death is speculated to be due to natural causes. His internal processor finally
became obsolete. Actor and one
time producer for the Tracy
Ullman Show, Ted Bessel has
died at age 61. Cause of death is
yet  to  be  determined.  Also
worth mentioning here are
Alan Downes, British TV cameraman (Yay! a Brit! National
pride stirs) and mystery writer
Mignon Good Eberhart have
also died this week.
In addition, sources have come
up with the following fast facts
to ponder: Tiny Tim has suf
ferred a stroke and is presently
said to be in critical condition,
the Pope recently had to cut
short his trip to france due to
illness. Boris Yeltsin's heart
surgery has been postponed,
rumours report he is considered
too sick to undergo the opera-
tion at this time.
A couple of points of clarification came up while reading the
submissions to date. First of all,
Elvis is dead, whatever I may
say in my other column. Okay,
maybe he's not dead; reports
vary. But he's oflcially dead, and
that's what counts. (This is the
same rule that we use for Deng
Xiaoping, by the way; everybody knows that he is dead, but
it doesn't count until he is
declared officially dead).
Bella, "Various Kennedy's" is
not a person. I will publish a list
of Kennedy's by the next issue,
and you can choose one name
from the list. Similarly, you
can't have "anyone who flies
with Valu-Jet" as a name. To
clarify this further, I will be
publishing a full list of famous
dead people in the Hallowe'en
issue, along with causes of
death. As a final note, the extraordinary prediction has to
involve a death. I didn't make
this entirely clear when I
opened the pool, and if this
affected your entry in any way
please feel free to re-submit a
prediction. I'm sorry, Jason, to
you especially, because I really
liked your prediction.
Anyway, that's it for this issue.
Don't fear the Reaper.
Oktoberfest ticket?
Sorry. You and 899 others lose.
Try ripping apart every 432 you see, until you wind up tearing a ticket into two useless halves.
Or you could be more careful. The tickets are out there in 1
out of every 900 papers. Really! Trust us on this one.
r,>F)iH <■. '
A Quick Comparison.
Have you noticed how the bottom of those Arts County Fair mugs has been
sneaking skyward over the past few years? Well, we at the Science Undergrad
Society nave had enough.
We're introducing the new Industry Standard in BEvERage distribution
technology: the 22oz Science Mug.
And just to give you an idea of how big 22oz is, we've provided this handy-
dandy illustration of where a full mug from our competitors would fill our
22ozmugto.
And if that didn't convince you that this
is the mug to own, you should know
that it will always be filled for one bzzr
ticket at all SUS events. Guaranteed.
What does that mean? It means that
you'll be getting bzzr for about 7c an
ounce, compared to 17c at Arts and 22(
at The Gallery!
TheJSciepi Mug. Available t^^..^^^
for only $4, or $5 with your ftrstDzzr.
What a deal!
Find Great Research
Data in Patents!
Drop-in tutorials in patent
searching using CD-ROM and
Free Online databases.
Mondays/Thursdays • 5:30 to 7:30 PM
Tuesdays •1:30 to 3:30 PM
PATSCAN Service, Science Division
Main Library
"I wonder where all the
green tree worm things went?" K
ktofcerfet
FEATURING THE HARD
ROCK MINERS
CHEAP BZZR & 22 OZ MUGS
TIX $6 AT CHEM B160 OR AT
THE DOOR
FRIDAY, OCT 18
SUB BALLROOM
8- 12 PM 1
P*K6
The Four Thirty Two
16 Oktober 1996
Just donut.
Phil Ledwith
Very Thin Correspondent
It's official. Dieting makes
you stupid. I read the article
in Shape magazine.
Okay, I didn't actually read the
article myself. I was told about
the article by a really well
respected and reliable friend
who is always very careful to get
her facts right. And who secretly wants to be Tank Girl. Hmm.
Okay, well, I know someone,
and She's pretty smart and only
a little crazy, and she told me
about this article and it probably does exist, you know,
because hey, who would make
that sort of thing up? Besides I
really liked Tank Girl myself,
especially the rippers. This still
barely not fictional article
apparently argued that dieters
do not get enough nutrients to
their brains at the right time. By
this logic, Homer Simpson is Up
there with Aristotle as one of
the smartest men that ever
lived.
Isn't this just great? Of course,
we always knew that Homer
was pretty smart.
I always knew, somewhere
deep down in my soul, that
dieting was wrong. There is no
good reason why perfectly normal human beings should be
forced to live like rabbits. Ok, so
sometimes in the lab you wish
you were a rat because their life
seems easier, but this really is a
temporary phenomenon. About
as temporary as the nourishment that can be obtained from
eating little more than the
leaves and roots of a few really
ugly looking plants.
Occasionally, because I am
basically at heart a really vain
person, I have felt the urge to
control my eating habits. It's
always the same. I'll get this
sudden resolve: "I know", I'll
say, "why don't I turn over a
new leaf? Yeah, that's what I'll
do. I'll stop writing dumb articles for student newspapers at 3
o clock in the morning, I'll get a
decent night's sleep for a
change, I'll go to all my classes
on time for whatever's left of
the year. I'll never go out wasting my money on drink again,
and I'll learn to eat healthy
food."
These experiments always end
with me staring drunkenly into
my fridge at 3 am to examine
what looks suspiciously like a
new lifeform slowly climbing
out of it's still unopened container. It's through disasters like
this that I came to the conclusion that there must be such a
thing as negative food.
Basically put, Bamboo shoots,
riddacio, Pie R Squared pizza
and granola are under the category of negative food in my dictionary. You know what I
mean? I'm sure you know what
I mean. What I mean is that you
eat them, and then you get to
feel more hungry/Negative
food. Watch out for it. It makes
you stupid.
Doesn't it make so much
sense? I think it really clears up
a lot of things. I mean, before I
had this gem of wisdom placed
before me, there were so many
things I couldn't understand. I
just couldn't wrap them round
my brain. Like, California, ya
know? It's just, like, Toootally
amaazing, dude. I used to wonder how it was possible for
Californians and other normal
simians, such as you and I, to
share the same gene pool. I used
to accidentally hit across an
episode of Baywatch and give
an involuntary shudder as I
realized that there were actually
people like this in real life.
(Except the accents are worse.
Ever noticed (I'm sure you
have) that tooootally Bill and
Ted way of saying certain
words? You actually have to
start the word with a capital letter, because it so Toooooootally
sounds like that. Like, gag me
with a rubber spoon.Dude.)
And they were actually on the
same continent as I was. God, it
was scary. Like, you know, dude,
penguins look Toooootally just like
birds. Only, like, underwater, you
know? How comforting to realize that they really are a product
of their own weird environment
and my kids need never turn
out like that as long as I am able
to feed them.
It even explains Elvis, yes,
Elvis, you know, white shirt,
sequins, "Thank you. Thank
you very much".Elvis. I've
worked it out. See, if dieting
makes you stupid, then eating
more makes you smarter.
(Unless you're name is Rush
Limbaugh; then you don't
count). At the end there, you
know, Elvis was getting pretty
large. It's no secret I think that
some donut companies would
now be out of business were it
not for the selfless dedication of
one famous singer from
Memphis. And I think that all
those calories, slowly piling up
on that already legendary
frame, did something incredible. I think that Elvis managed
to evolve into godhood by eating donuts. One day, as I see it,
he was chowing down on his
312th jelly donut with sprinkles
when a vision came to him, and
ten minutes later he was in the
bathroom trying to figure out
how to fake his own death
while checking to see whether
there was anything still edible
in there from yesterday.
If you still doubt me, consider
this: statistically speaking, Elvis
appears most often in a Seven
Eleven store. Well, of course he
does. The only people who are
ever going to see The King are
the the sort of people who are
prepared and willing to undergo the ordeal of eating one of
those strange near-food deli
items that get sold in all night
stores. There's some special
nutrient that goes into Seven
Eleven burritos that medical science hasn't come across yet. But
they will, yessirreee bob, and
when they do Jimmy Hoffa's
gonna turn up pretty quick let
me tell ya. We'll know all the
answers on that day. Maybe
Elvis will appear in person to all
of us, Hostess Twinkie™ in
hand, and lead us on to our
higher destiny. Which I'm sure
involves a couple of gallons
whipped cream, masking tape,
and a.... no, I'd better not say.
Until that day, of course, we
have to make do with the fridge
stains that are interpreted for us
by the faithful as being images
of "The King".
And let's not forget Homer.
You know, I think I'd better get
to the store before the news
breaks and they run out of
donuts. And if you find any of
that green rabbit food stuff in
your freezer, don't give it to me.
From now on, I eat healthy.
S'V^le   Bond:     *^
ttg±   «u!T/l«if|'6''
Voowsi
Bonding for Babies
GooOlOEA:   WALKING tbuR.
Nekjhsoits Dog
BadIdea: Wokxik/£ Your
Free stuff!
As if we weren't giving
away enough cool stuff
this issue. But the
almighty editor decided that we
needed to give away even
more free stuff.
So, what kind of stuff is
up for grabs? Well, letsee...
there's SUS 22oz Bzzr Mugs!
There's Official 432 T-Shirts!
And bzzr for your new mug!
What do you do? It's simple!
All you have to do is guess the
number of times the word 'bzzr'
will appear in the next issue of
The 432, write that number
down and submit it with your
name, phone number and
email (if applicable) to the
editor before the next
deadline.
The person with the closest answer wins! It's that simple!
And just in case you haven't
figured it but yet, the big 21 is
the-number of times bzzr is in
this issue.
yoxxcAN yowfce
s. srtmi/ -th* -roNin-ecToMy,  ■'-
Not j.JMrtH, the v*izvr*t4y ?
Post-surgery trauma.
CALENDAR Oi EVENTS
Oct. 18 Due date to register for Standard
First Aid - a course with St. John's
Ambulance! ($98.00 members,
$100.00 non-members - needs
to be in by 2pm)
Oct. 31 Due date for $50.00 deposit for
the Annual Ski Trip to Big White!
Nov. 21 Lecture with Dr. Carter, Dean of
UBC's Medical School Admissions.
Will be at 12:30 in WOOD 2.
Nov. 29     Ski Trip balance of $159.00 due.
Jan. 10-12 Off to Big White!
All submissions to The 432 must
be in Chemistry B160 no later
than:
23 Oktober 1996
4:32pm
Submissions should not exceed 700 words
in length and should be submitted in both
hard and soft copy forms. Please avoid use
of prose that make us want to wash our
eyes out with soap after reading it. 16 Oktober 1996
The Four Thirty Two
Page?
)
The drawers of SUS
Tracy MacKinnon
Doug Beleznay
President
JTohn, the grumpy editor guy, changed the deadline on us so
I now we have to submit our articles a full two days earlier than
| usual. He must think that he deserves the long weekend off, or
mething. (Actually, Trac, the paper needs to be at the printers two
days earlie'r, so we're working at 4am Friday instead of Monday. Change
is good, -ed.)
Upcoming in SUS this month are SUS elections, although the only
contested position is Microbiology Department Rep. We're also
having our Oktoberfest on Oktober 18th in the SUB from 8 P.M. to
Midnight - the Hard Rock Miners will be playing and SUS steins will
make their debut. A SUS stein is a 22 oz. mug (Arts mugs are a mere
14 oz.), and they'll be filled at every SUS event for the price of one
bzzr ticket, from now to eternity, and after (thanks, Orin).
Don't forget to sign up for Longboat teams (you'll get a 50%
rebate if you sign up under Science)!
Another tidbit of interest to science students, is that we have not
yet been able to collect the fee increase of $2 that passed by referendum last year. We had our results approved by AMS council at
the same meeting as Engineering and Law, and while their results
found their way to the Board of Governors, ours did not. Thus, our
fee increase was not collected, but we were not told us this until
September 27th, 1996. This begs the question does the AMS hate
us, or are they just incompetent? Well, I was talking to an EUS rep
and he mentioned that one of their fees wasn't collected a few
years ago, and a past president of the Medical Undergraduate
Society told me that this also happened to Medicine a few years
ago. You decide.
This is the part of the article where I desperately try to think of
something to say so my article isn't minute. Of course, it's hard to
really get excited about my article when it appears that no one
reads it. Hey, I'll have a contest to see if anyone reads my article
(John has contests all the time, after all). So if you're the first person to tell me the name of the band at Oktoberfest (and if you
aren't a SUS hack), I'll buy you a SUS bzzr stein and a bzzr to go in
it! Hurrah! I feel much better now. Hopefully someone will read
this so they can claim their prize. I'm around a lot. Please respond.
Can I possibly sound any more needy? Probably, but I don't want
to sink that low, so be a sport and enter my little contest.
Tracy has the easiest executive report of them all to write. She just
steals everyone else's reports. All that and she gets to go first in the
paper, there-by making everyone else look bad. Don't buy it.
-ed.
Blair McDonald	
Senator
If you're a thrill-seeker, the Senate is not the place for you. After
all, a body dedicated to the "academic governance of the
University" isn't likely to be found doing the Macarena in some
seedy downtown bar. At least not most of its members.
So, once a month, I attend at least two meetings: the first on the
Monday before Senate with the other student senators, and the second, an interminable Senate meeting on a Wednesday where the
primary motivation seems to be rubber stamping decisions made
behind closed doors.
Actually, decisions are primarily made by committee: the Senate
loves committees. Committees of every size, shape and colour,
including a new Ad Hoc Committee to review academic advising
on campus.
This Ad Hoc has yet to form; that's still a month or so away. So, in
the meantime, I'm trying to get as many thoughts from students
about academic advising. Primarily, this is to understand the issue
better: how many science students use advising, how content are
they, etc, etc ad infinitum. Once the committee forms, these opinions can be presented and worked into the final decisions. Don't
expect results anytime soon: Senate is notorious for running slow.
I expect this to be a three year process.
Second thing: convocation ceremonies are now scheduled for the
new Chan Center (the tin can) at the north end of campus. It's
unclear what this will actually mean to Science students. The
doomsayers are screaming that we'll only be able to have two
guests {I've heard four, not two), and faculties will have more than
one ceremony. This means very little to Science; we already have
multiple ceremonies. I think this might be a good thing, if they can
figure out the guest problem. Since some people only bring one or
two guests, why not reallocate those tickets to other students? At
any rate, the Chan Centre is supposedly a beautiful venue, and
should be more impressive than a beat up old gymnasium hung
with cheap blue and gold banting. I'll keep you posted.
That's about all I have to report for the last two months. Like I
said, Senate moves with all the alacrity of an anemic snail. If you
have any comments, questions, opinions - I want to hear them.
Contact me at SUS (CHEM B160) or email me at
blairmcd@unixg.ubc.ca
Blair is a member of the most elite club on campus: the ex-editors of
The 432 club. Me? Seeing as I'm only a current editor and not an ex-
editor, I just get to buy them drinks and bring them fresh towels.
-ed.
Director of Finance
So it's the beginning of Oktober, (actually the middle by the
time you read this), and I'm finally writing my first exec
report. So what took me so long you might ask, well, suffice it
to say that I've been a bit busy.
Rest assured that your money is in good hands, though (the AMS
holds onto all the money until the end of Oktober, so I don't get
to touch it till then... right now we're operating on a loan). And the
year is getting off to a good start.
Entertainment book sales went... well, uh, actually they didn't,
really. We managed to sell 9 books... maybe next year.
T-Shirts, however, are going like hot-cakes. Earlier this month we
had a limited run of a Special Edition SUS T-Shirt and they sold out
within two days. Look for another one near the end of this month.
Also coming up in time for Oktoberfest, 22 oz Bzzr Mugs, and we'll
be filling them for you at all SUS bzzr gardens for only one ticket.
Clubs, a reminder that Oktober 24, 6:00 PM is the deadline to get
your club budgets and membership lists in to me. I won't be able
to extend the deadline this year because of the new system for disbursing fees. Call me or leave me a note in SUS if you have any
questions.
Oh, and I should probably tell you what's happening with the
fees. Most of you remember the referendum we had last year to
raise the Science fee from $10 to $12. Well anyway, we passed that
on to the AMS and they were supposed to implement it this year
(We had even budgeted counting on all the money). Well, it turns
out that the AMS sort of forgot to pass it on to the Board of
Governors, which means that the fees weren't introduced, which
sort of means we're in trouble. So as a result they will be voting to
retroactively collect this fee at the next meeting (we hope), so stay
tuned. .
Phil Ledwith  '	
External Vice President
Let me first of all say that I like cheesecake. I'm now going to
tell you about a lot of people who have absolutely no respect
for cheesecake. Terrible people. Humourless people. The sort
of people I'm talking about here are the sort of people who didn't
find anything funny in Bob Dole's presidential debate with Bill
Clinton. The sort of people who, when Homer Simpson finally
topped 300 lbs and qualified for disability allowance as a "person
of weight", went to look up the rules on disability allowance
instead of cry tears of joy for the birth of a folk hero. I'm talking
about the people who made Science Week stay in the third week
of January.
I'm talking about the SAC.
This is a story with its heroes. One of them, sadly, is only the
singer in a band, but one of them is a sound guy. There are
Heroines. They bring toffee from Heaven. (Thank You Angela),
there are God-like Beings called Sue. And, of course, there are those
evil slimy slinky things that crawl through the night and steel your
bzzr. Worse still, there are The Lowest of the Low who don't want
you to have any bzzr at all. These are the SAC. (did I mention that
they wouldn't let us have Science Week in the fourth week of
January? eeeeevil). This is the story of The Bookings Lineup.
In the dawn of time, when the world was young, there was SUB
Bookings. SUB Bookings are done by Sue, She of the Mighty Vorpal
Pen. Sue is actually pretty amazing, as well as being all-powerful.
No, I am not sucking up. Because everybody and their dog wants
to book rooms in the SUB, it was decreed that mortals should wait
outside and line up for appointment cards, which Sue would
bestow upon the chosen few who could survive the vigil of waiting.
From within the halls of the sub I hear again the voices of the
damned:
Okay, so, there's this girl, Karyn, and I've no idea where she's from or
who the other girl sitting opposite me is, but she's sleeping on theBahaus
couch that I dragged away from SUS several dozen conversations ago.
Sitting on the floor in front of me, next to the 51 cards, 30 cups of still
warm 3-hour-old McChocolate, 8 Map-sacs, 5 rain jackets, and 3 shoes,
is an almost empty 1.14 litre bottle of Seagram's Whisky.
I want to give some credit to the noble few who stuck it out with
me through that night of terror, even though most of them were
rat-arsed before the night was halfway oyer and I never did actually get to go home at any point;
Mikey, Jer, John, ScottjsndAi^l^ deserve the highest mention as
they stuck it out the forigest. Anna/Kiin, Taryn, Bella, Jake and
Dillon deservethanks for stopping by, especially Taryn and Dillon
who were arts students and managed to make it when some of my
other execs didn't even have two minutes for us. Thanks to all
these wonderful heroic people, this never happened:
Thanks for recording this, Scott. It's over now, I'm really knackered, and I have nothing more to say. This article is too damn long
anyway. Go home. Have some cheesecake.
This really happened. I was in the line-up from freshly opened until
0.5 litres remaining. It was an interesting experience. You should try it.
-ed.
Mikey Boetzkes
Social Coordinator
Well this is the second
time that I'm writing
this report for this
issue. John complained about
the last one; something about it
being incoherent or something.,
I don't know but it seemed pretty coherent at the time. I don't
remember anything about
being incoherent.
Anyway, to sum up my previous attempt, our next bzzr garden is on the 18th of Oktober
which happens to be this
Friday. Now call it a coincidence, but it happens to be
called Oktoberfest. Now we
couldn't hold a bzzr garden
called pktoberfest unless we
followed the age old German
tradition of having lots and lots
and lots and lots of bzzr (psider
is available for those of you who
have that preference).
On top of that (which is pretty
hard to beat) we have the Hard
Rock Miners playing for us. Put
those together and what have
you got? Well the last time I
checked that would make for a
great party. This one is going to
last from 8 till 12. Tickets will
be $6 and can be bought in
advance from the SUS office
(Chem B160) or for those of you
who still can't figure out the
room labeling in Chemistry,
tickets will be available at the
door.
This event will also be used for
the unveiling of the new
Science bzzr steins. We Science
students have had enough of
these little 14 and 16 ounce
cups that are usually sold. This
is why we are going to be selling
wonderfully complete 22oz
steins. Now that is a decent size.
Mikey's previous report attempt
was composed on about 16oz of
whiskey. See why I complained?
-ed.
Kathy Lo       	
First Year Representative
The truth is, we don't have
a report right now. But if
you're in first year
Science, read on if the First Year
Committee sounds remotely
interesting to you.
Hi, we're your First Year
Representatives for 1996-1997,
Kathy Lo and Edrick Yu. Our job
consists of representing your
interests on the Science
Council. Last we heard, we
organize first-years only events
like movie nights and stuff.
We're not sure what's happening this year, so this is where
you come in. Two people doth
not a First Year Committee
make, so if you're looking for a
great way to pad your resume,
this is it.
Come down to Chem B160
and give us a shout if you're
interested. Leave us a message
(we're trying to get a box) or
bug one of the executive about
us. Or holler anytime, in class, ^
out of class, if you have any
concerns. We look forward to
meeting you and possibly working with you this year. Hey,
you're only in first year once,
why not make the most of it. <
Paces
The Four Thirty Two
16 Oktober 1996
Who is Bob Dole, exactly?
52a
Jeremy
THORP
IwMi
If you don't have control of
your own bodily functions,
you should not, under any
circumstances, gain control of a
major nuclear power.
Thankfully,, the American people seem to realize this, and it
looks as though the chances of
Bob Dole winning the presidency are about par with those of
Spiro Agnew rising from his
newly excavated grave to join
Mr. Dole in a canola oil twister
party in the Oval office.
This man scares me (not Spiro
Agnew — though perhaps if I
did come face to face with his
walking corpse I may be a bit
disconcerted.) He'll scare you as
well — just take a few minutes
to watch one of the over-publicized Presidential debates.
"I'm Bob Dole, and I'll reduce
taxes by 15%."
Yeah, right. I think you forgot
to carry the three.
"Bob Dole will bring America
into the 21st century."
Heck, why not, he brought 'em
into the 20th.
"A vote for Bob Dole is a vote
for Democracy."
Prozac,  Bob. It's a vote for
prozac. There's a difference.
"I'm Bob Dole. I don't care
about the approval ratings.
Americans will make their
choice when they make it to the
ballot boxes."
Now, this is a man with a serious identity crisis. Most of his
sentences begin with 'I'm Bob
Dole.' Yeah, we know you're
Bob Dole. The American population may have an average IQ
considerably less than a baker's
dozen, but even monkeys show
signs of basic face recognition.
And Bob Dole's is one face you
can't easily forget (trust me, I've
tried.) My personal theory is
that Bob Dole doesn't really
know he's Bob Dole. I mean,
he's 78 years old, for crying out
loud. When I'm that old, I'm
sure I won't be able to remember my own name. I can't
remember my own phone number now, and I've got plenty of
time to go until the Depends
man comes knocking.
So, in order to help the old guy
out, his campaign managers (or
perhaps Jack Kemp,, though I'm
not sure he can even tie his
shoes without permission,)
have taped a large message on
his podium.
YOU'RE BOB DOLE.
This would explain his speeches:
"Good evening America. I have
something very important to
discuss with you." At this point,
he notices the sign on the podium. If you look carefully, you
can see his eyebrows raise ever-
so-slightly, in surprise. "I'm Bob
Dole! I'm going to lower taxes
15%." Uh-oh, he's fading. One
more look at the podium. "I'm
Bob Dole!" That's just great Bob.
You're doing just fine.
Personally. I think it would be
a pretty funny practical joke to
replace the sign oil his podium,
with one reading.:
YOU'RE MARTHA STEWART.
"The American people need
strong, responsible leadership.
The Republican party can provide our fine country with four
years of prosperity and well-
being. I'm Martha Stewart!"
Now that would make an interesting headline. Not that I don't
think Martha would make an
excellent leader of the free
world — I'm sure she could
draft a Middle-eastern peace
accord out of banana peels,,
while paving the Whitehouse
parking lot with left-over saran-
wrap. But a senile old fart who
thinks he's Martha Stewart —
'that could spell trouble (not to
mention serious mental damage
to Mrs. Dole. <shiver>)
Personally, I think it's all a big
joke. Perhaps a promotional
campaign for a new movie starring Chris Farley. I mean, let's
face it — Bob Dole cannot possibly be a real person. As far as I
can tell, he's a masterpiece of
Animatronix (well, they didn't
ever get that one arm just right,
but...) hand-crafted in George
Lucas' special effects studio.
Word is, he'll be in the next Star
Wars movie ("Obe Wan, it is
your destiny....l'm Bob Dole!")
and he's already booked for
Cocoon 3: Somebody Stop the
Pain. The Republicans,, apparently, conceded defeat long ago,
and are only actually running a
candidate in the elections for
the sponsorship money they're
receiving from Industrial Light
and Magic.
Now, if the Republicans would
just catch on to the general
public's Data-spawned love for
androids, they may actually
have a chance. Dress Bob up in
a Starfleet uniform, have him
walk a bit more deliberately and
paint his face an even pastier
shade of white. Have Jack Kemp
wear a stupid-looking visor, and
have them beam into press conferences in a shimmering field
of tin-foil.
Hey, it's worth a try.
Edward Scissorhands loses again.
ft
99
Dead Giveaway.
The 432 Dead Pool.
Disclaimer : As contests go, this one is pretty tasteless. If you are the sort of person who can't
handle that, don't read it. If you read it anyway, don't come whining to us. We warned you.
Finally, The 432 has come up with a contest to appeal to the morbid little f (expletive deleted)er in each of us.
The rules are simple: You contact us with a list of fifteen people who have had the extreme bad taste not to join the
choir invisible yet. We keep the list, and every time time someone on it kicks the bucket you get a point. They can not
die before midnight Nov. 1 because that's when the competition starts, but anyone can join at any time after that.
When we publish the last 432 we will print the winners and give them prizes beyond their wildest dreams. Entry is
completely free, and at the very least you will win tickets to the Arts County Fair: What have you got to lose? Only fifteen stupid names, and most of them are well on their way, anyhow.
You may be having trouble thinking of people at this point, so here's the official 432 hotlist of 101 promising
people for the role of corpse apparent:
Chuck Jones (animator)
James Earl Jones (actor)
Dr. Jack Kevorkian (Doctor
Death)
Eartha Kitt
Evel Knlevel (damaged goods,
but alive)
Jack Lemmon (actor)
Jeny Lewis (actor)
Rich Little (impressionist)
Jack Lord (actor)
Shirley MacLaine (actress) —
alive, again.
Benoit Mandelbrot (mathematician)
Marcel Marseau (mime)
Dick Martin (comedian)
Paul McCartney (singer) —
alive: More or less.
Leonard Nimoy (actor)
Peter O' Toole (actor)
Jack Palance (actor)
Richard Pryor (comedian)
Christopher Reeve (actor) alive,
paralysed
Keith Richards (rolling stone)
alive. Amazing, isn't it?
Fred Rogers -*- still living in the
neighbourhood
William Shatner (alleged actor,
alleged author, alleged
singer)
Salman Rushdie (author)
Frank Sinatra (singer)
Buzz Aldrin (astronaut)
Muhammad Ali (boxer)
Mary Tyler Moore (actress)
Jimmy Hoffa Jr. (thug)
Bob Barker (game show host)
Mikhail Barishinikov (dancer)
Ned Beatty (actor)
Dirk Benedict (actor)
Robert Blake (actor)
Victor Borge (comedian)
Ernest Borgnine (actor)
Tom Bosley (actor)
Ray Bradbury (author)
Marlon Brando (actor)
Wiliam Brennan (jurist)
Todd Bridges (actor)
Benjamin Spock (doctor)
Jean Stapleton (actress)
Ringo Starr (singer)
Harold Stassen (politician)
Cat Stevens (singer)
Elizabeth Taylor (actress)
Rip Taylor (actor)
Strom Thurmond (politician)
Alex Trebec (game show host)
Dick Van Dyke (actor)
Caspar Wienberger (politician)
Tuesday Weld (actress)
Orson Welles (actor/director)
Adam West (Batman)
Betty White (actress)
Johhny Whitaker (child actor)
Ted Williams (athlete)
Alistair Cooke (masterpiece theatre introducer)
William S Burroughs (author)
Red Buttons (actor)
George Carlin (comedian)
Art Carney (actor)
Jimmy Carter (politician)
Jack Cassidy (musician)
Tom Chapin (singer)
Arthur C Clarke (author)
Dick Clark (world's oldest
teenager)
John Cleese (comedian)
Clark Clifford (politician)
Gary Coleman (actor)
Perry Como (singer)
Robert Conrad (actor)
John Horton Conway (mathematician)
Jackie Cooper
Ellen Corby
Walter "Bud" Cort (actor)
Jaques -Yves Cousteau (scientist)
Doris Day (actress)
Deng Xiopeng. (politician) —
not at all well
Bob Denver (actor) _
John Denver (singer)
Joyce Dewittt (actress)
Joe DiMaggio (athlete)
Antoine "fats" Domino (musician)
Kirk Douglas (actor)
Buddy Ebsen (actor)
Anthony Edwards (actor)
Douglas Fairbanks Jr. (actor)
Harlan Ellison (author)
Erik Estrada (actor)
Peter Falk (actor)
Betty Ford (political Spouse)
James Garner (actor)
John Gielgud (british actor)
Terry GWam(animator/directot)
Mikhail Gorbachev (politician)
Alec Guinness (actor)
Larry Hagman (actor)
George Harrison (musician)
DeForest Kelly (actor) —He's
alive, Jim.
Various Kennedy's
Tuk the Polar Bear
Spud Mackenzie
Abigaile VanBuren (DearAbby)
Bob Sagat (Please?)
Yoko Ono (Pretty Please?)
Let me stress that just because someone isn't on this list, it doesn't mean that you can't have them on yours. As long as they're reasonably famous, we don't mind; and as long as they are still breathing,
they qualify. You can email me a list at ledwith@unixg-ubc.ca or you can drop the list off at Chem B160. As people start to snuff it we will publish an official list of famous ex-people, along with dates
and causes of death. If we miss someone, let us know. Special Bonus: submit with your article an impossible prediction, and if it comes true before the school year ends you automatically get to come
into the SUS office and walk away with as much as you can carry. If we think you have a really sound idea we'll give you some prize or other anyway, because we like you so much. Example: "I predict
that, after sumo wrestlers assassinate Bob Dole, Debbie Gibson's love child conceived by Kurt Cob'ain will step in and gain a landslide victory in the American presidential elections. He will dissolve
Congress and set up a new communist regime."
NOTE: The Grim Reaper, his relatives and his associates are summarily barred from entry in this or any related contest involving the unexpected expiration of various famous people or the contestants
who bid on them. Use of Jo Jo's psychic hotline to obtain your list of fifteen is, however, perfectly fine.

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