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The 432 Jan 7, 2003

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7 JANUARY 2003
.combine to form;
_t3M$tm, J_m_m_.
and so much more . . .
'You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic/'
-Cell Block Tango, Chicago
Flying Saucer Religion
Claims a Lot of Shit
Zealots' Doctorine Has Everything From Alien Terraforming to Cloning
Montreal, QC (AP)
A press release on December 27,2002,
by an obscure religous sect, the
'Raelians,' revealed, beyond a
shadow of a doubt, that they claim some
pretty fucked up shit.
The sect, headed by a former French journalist, Claude Vorilhon, who for some reason refers to himself 'Rael,' has made outrageous claims ever since he founded the
cult and dubbed them the 'Raelians.' Every
central tenant of the cult is laughably outrageous and seriously absurd.
The very beginning of the religion, when
Voilhon claims he was visited by an alien
which told him that humans had been created in labs. Labs on another planet
belonging to a race of aliens, called Elohim,
possessing perfect genetic manipulation
His mission, Voilhon says, is to prepare an
embassy on the Earth for the coming of the
four foot tall, long dark haired, almond
eyed aliens who created all life on earth.
Only then can the planet take its place
among the cosmos.
The aliens supposedly initially ter-
raformed the planet,  altering the very
geography of the world, making the world
ideal before placing the human race upon
The cult also claimed that the aliens
taught and
sent all the
world's reli-
g i o u s
Jesus, Moses,
Bhudda, few
of which can
be ■proved
and whose
often contradict each
Their latest
claim is that of
producing the world's first cloned human.
This claim, although it follows the same
trajectory of science fiction borne of a delusional mind, it has been picked up by the
global media because of its relevance to the
current   ehtical   debate   of   duplicating
humans without the natural event of raw,
sweaty, unprotected sex.
The validity of the claim is futher laughable as no evidence exists. The clone has
not been
and the
only thing
we know
about the
clone-holding family
is that they
refuse to
have a
done to see
if the child
is a clone.
"Look, this
is not a
debate if
the child exists," Vorilhon made clear, "We
say the child exists, and we, the chosen
people of the aliens who bore us to this
earth and will not reveal themselves until
we all believe in them, say it is so. And if
Claude.Vorilhon, who not only expects us to believe he
talked to aliens and cloned a human, but also has horrible
fashion sense.
you can't trust us, who can you trust?"
U.S. President GeorgeJW. Bush has considered suing for plagarism of argument
The cult claims 55,000 followers, but say
that the aliens will not reveal themselves
until the entire planet is enlightened
enough to accept the alien landing. The
Raelians and their daughter company,
Clonaid, claim that over 2000 people have
signed up for cloning.
"This is truly a great time in science," Dr.
(at least we think she's a doctor) Brigette
Boisselier, CEO of Clonaid announced at a
recent interview with 60 Minutes. "We
have the opportunity to create perfect
copies of human beings. We can reserect
lost loved ones, give children to single
women too ugly to get some, and furthermore the technology required to create an
army of geneticly perfect soldiers is only 30
years away."
It is also mentioned in the press release
that the Raelians believe that Vancouver
would be the greatest city in which to hold
the 2010 Olympics, as if it were specifically
terraformed for that purpose.
n' d   Pat   S o a c e k
Pop Music Officially
Out of Originality
littk-faiowti Fact #839: There are only twenty-three people alive
today, and you're one of (hem; everyone else you know just looks
hnmrnx to lull you into not searching for the other twenty-two.
Lonely? You should be.
Los Angeles, CA (Reuters)
Modern Western Culture sits at a
crossroads as the popular music
industry announced today that it
has run out of any and all originality.
"We've actually been out of original material for quite some time," announced Bri-
tany Spears at the press conference, "but
now it seems we've hit a wall in ways to
repackage old material as well."
Spears' latest release 'Baby oh Baby oh' is
widely recognized as the final pop hit that
had any trace of originality, but was still
lauded for borrowing heavily from Pink's
'Baby oh oh baby.'
When asked about how he would deal
with the end of pop music as we knew it,
Kyle Kreshner, CEO of Polymictic Records,
outlined the industry's future plans: "Basically, we're looking at having every artist
put out a 'Best of album in the coming
year. Next year, they'll all release live
albums. Then we have options like tribute
and remix albums for another few years.
At which point, we might have had time to
come up with an idea of how to deal with
this crisis. If not, we can always release
more 'Best of's."
Analysts predict that if music forms such
as hip-hop continue on their current path,
they may face the same fate as pop music.
"The industry is showing subtle signs of
decline. Busta Rhymes latest single 'B is for
Booty,' which uses samples from Sesame
Street's latest album, represents an industry which has depleted other songs for
sampling," commented Dr. Paul Yoffer, a
musical anthropologist from UCLA. "At
the rate they are going, hip-hop will have
overtaken the catalogue of original music
to sample within the next year."
Solutions ranging from creating a new
brand of hip-hop that doesn't parasitize
other people's works, to making the
'artists' actually learn to compose music
have met with skepticism.
"Man, we don't see nothin' wrong with
what we doin/" the popular rapper, Master P reported. "As long as nothing gets
between me and my phat check, originality can go f**k itself." Page Two
7 January 2003
Volume Sixteen
Issue Seven
7 January 2003
Benjamin Warrington
the432@hotmail. com
Jongo Fett
Andy Martin
Fiend (Dan Anderson)
Gina Eom
Death (rides a Pale Horse)
Kyrke Gaudreau
Graeme Kennedy
Jo Krack
Andy Martin
Johnny Mclntyre
Jason Rogalski     __„      	
Eric Tong
Benjamin Warrington
Dan Yokom
Eggy Yuh
Chris Zappavigna
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is published fortnightly
from the pancreas of the (Colonel)
Klinck Building. All views expressed
in this issue are strictly those of the
individual writers, and as such are
not the responsibility of the 432,
The Science Undergraduate Society,
or the Faculty of Science. Writers
and cartoonists are encouraged to
submit their material to the 432.
Submissions must meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle
at least thrice, and contain the
author's name and contact information.
We would like to encourage reader
feedback. Be it nasty, perverted, or
just plain mean, we still want to
hear it. Especially if it is perverted.
Contact us at: the432@hotmail.com
We would like to contradict the
banner to the right. While yes, we
would like you to write for us, we
retract the niceities. If it were up to
me, the Legal Information, it would
read, "Write for us, you damn
ingrates! We work our asses off to
entertain you, while you sit back
laguidly and enjoy the fruit of our
labours without the slightest thanks
or payback. You should be
ashamed of yourselves, you walking piles of dingo smegma."
We love our fans.
Bush: 'Invading Iraq Central to
Increased School Funding'
Andy Martin
Surprisingly Intelegent
Space to kill, and so little time to kill it
in. The very motto of the 432 editor at
2am on Monday morn.
A rant shall suffice, and what's better to
rant about than the world's very definition
of potato head, the Prez of the U.S.A.
When he got elected, we all kind of looked
at the U.S. and wondered what collection
of idiots could actually look amongst their
quarter-billion population and pick that as
the person most fitting for the position of
power. Ralph Nader himself said that he
hoped George Bush would win the election
so that he would fuck things up so badly
that people would have to wake up and
see the shit behind the plastic scenery.
But Bush wants to distract us. And what
better way to distract people than a war.
Afghanistan has gotten boring,  so we
might as well leave it to itself, it'll be fine
from now on. Anyways, the arms contractors that pay Bush's way need something
that'll really increase military spending.
And a good war always helps a slumping
economy that looks bad on a president's
So, let's start kicking the wasp's nest and
try to convince the public that Iraq needs to
be invaded. Iraq, a nation half starving to
death from U.S.-led sanctions, and who
have yet to show a shred of evidence that
they have any weapons of mass destruction, needs to be invaded. Even after UN
inspectors, who have admitted spying for
the CIA on previous occasions, are allowed
back in, Georgy just won't shut up about
needing to invade. Calling Sadam a dangerous madman holding the world
hostage. I guess if you can't attack the
Alaskan wilderness for cheap oil, you have
to attack somebody.
And if they do have biological or chemical
weapons sitting around, they only got
them from one source: your sorry ass. You
gave them a whole smack-load to fight Iran
over. And when Iraq was on your side,
they could use them with the zeal of a kid
in a chemical candy store.
If Iraq did have an inspiration to use
weapons of mass destruction, they'd use
them against the only thing threatening
them, the country with the leader who
won't shut up about invading them.
Opinions and rumours are thrown around
in Bush's speeches as hard facts. He even
claims that nuclear retaliation is an option.
If anybody's truly a madman with his finger on the button, it's Bush himself. The
guy probably can't understand half the legislation he signs, fumbles half his lines,
gets extreme ideas into his head, but can't
argue a single one of his points with conviction.
Now, Hussein is in no way a saint or anything above a turd pile. But he's not any
more dangerous than at least a dozen other
leaders. I'd just like to see a U.S. political
decision that wasn't clearly defined by the
almighty dollar.
Calm Down, It's Okay
Ben Warrington
Not Funny, Sorry
In last Friday's National Post, I saw an
article about the results of a possible
terrorist attack in Toronto. Release
some gas in a particular place in the subway during rush hour, the article said, and
five thousand people could be killed. Articles like this have been showing up a lot
recently. I am not one to advocate keeping
people in the dark about potential risks,
but as far as I can see, the only thing that
such articles accomplish is fear-mongering.
They also give ideas to potential terrorists.
I am not worried about international terrorists so much (I trust them to come up
with good ideas on their own); it is the nut-
bars right here at home that I worry about.
Anyway, seeing this article got me thinking again about writing a piece on terrorism and what I see as the general over-
reaction to recent events. Political and
emotional sensitivities have kept my
mouth shut in the past, but perhaps now is
the time that I said something. I do not
want to belittle the attacks on 2001 September 11. It is surely the most shocking and
horrifying thing to which I have ever been
around to bear witness. I will never forget
the image of the tower collapsing as I
watched on live television. I do, however,
want to put a few things in perspective.
About three thousand people died in the
attack on the World Trade Centre. Four
times that many people die in the world
every hour. Most of them starve to death or
die of disease. Sixty years ago, about six
million civilians were executed by Adolf
Hitler and his SS. Over a period of six years
(the length of World War II), that works out
to about 3000 people per day. Of course, at
the beginning of the war, the rate was far
less and at the end, far higher. The attack
on the World Trade Centre may have been
the largest terrorist attack in history and
the most shocking attack of any kind on US
soil, but it did not herald the end of the
world. Admittedly, this is small consolation to the families of the victims. As
another one of our old friends, Joseph Stalin, said, "One death is a tragedy; one million deaths is a statistic."
At the time, the WTC attack was called
this generation's Pearl Harbour. While
there is some superficial resemblance in
that it was an attack that shocked the oblivious American public into recognizing a
threat that should have been obvious, it is
not really fair to compare the two. Pearl
Harbour was a sound strategic attack on a
military target. Japan had declared war,
although the U.S. had not yet translated
the message. Sure it was a suprise attack,
but do you expect your enemies to
announce when and where they are going
to hit you? That would just be stupid. The
World Trade Centre, however, was an
attack on civillians. It served no useful
strategic purpose. It was merely intended
to cause shock and terror. In fact, it caused
the United States to come down hard on
al'Queda's assets in Afgahistan and elsewhere, seriously hurting the organisation.
Gee, that was smart. At least one Japanese
citizen with whom I am acquainted was
very offended by the comparison to Pearl
There has been a great deal of fear of flying since last September 11. The fear has
waned somewhat, but it still exists in many
people. According to the nice newsman
that unfortunate day, forty thousand
flights fly over North America every day.
Four were hijacked and crashed. That is a
one hundreth of one percent on one day,
the worst day in history. I would fly at
those odds. I have heard of no hijackings in
the roughly 500 days since, certainly none
that resulted in the plane being crashed
into a building. If anything, these statistics
demonstrate just how remarkably safe flying really is. There has also been a great
push to increase airline security, especially
in the United States. I have flown many
times since the attacks, including on 2001
September 14, and I have seen only minor
changes in security. The changes are gener
ally stupid. I can more easily kill someone
with my shoelace or ballpoint pen than I
can with a two inch nail file. Ultimately, I
can think of no reasonable "improvements" to security that I wouldn't be able
to sneak a deadly weapon through. It does
not matter so much, though, because no
matter how many pocket knives, tin snips,
and nail files, or for that matter hunting
knives and handguns, are snuck onto a
plane, no one will be able to successfully
hijack an aircraft any time in the near
future. They might kill a passenger or two,
but others will risk their lives to fend off
any would be hijacker as long as the memory of the September 11 attacks survives. I
honestly don't see any particular need to
increase airport security. We should be vigilant, but not wasteful. Because of this and
because I have not seen any particular
improvements, I am really frustrated by
the paranoid tax, pushed through at the
end of 2001, which is applied to every airplane ticket in Canada (Sorry, my little
I guess the long and the short of it is, I
don't buy September 11 as "The Day the
World Changed Forever." The world did
change in the short term, but I don't think
that the change will be very significant in
the long term. In a lot of ways, we have
already returned to "normal." The lingering changes do worry me, however. There
seems to be much more fear and intolerance in everybody, including in the U.S.
government (which is especially worrisome). We should not forget about or
ignore the attacks, nor should we let our
guard down against future such acts, but
let's not be paranoid either.
As for what to do with the site where the
World Trade Centre stood, I say the United
States should rebuild something very similar to the original towers, perhaps one
story taller. What better way to say that
they will rebound and rebuild, that they
will not be subdued by such an attack, or at
the very least, what better way to give two
big middle fingers to those who would
attack them?
Write for us. Please.
The Next Deadline is January 15th at 4:52pm. 7 January 2003
Page Three
Where the World is These Days
Johnny Mclntyre
Life as We Know It
Another year has gone by and we are
faced with a new year, with many
threats, wars and problems ahead
of us. Saddam and George are still at it,
and now one of the Kims (Kim Jong-il) and
George are at it too. The it is the threat of
violence and nuclear fireworks. Of course,
we have other actors in this grand play:
there is CNN with the fellow named Wolf
(now, who names their kid Wolf?), there is
the fellow that looks like Mr. Dressup
called Dr. Hans Blix and his crew of blue
hats in Iraq (or smurfs according to some),
there's Tony, Hugo and so on.
This is a funny paper, so here's the funny
part for me: North Korea seems to be on
the path to nuclear weapons production,
something our Friend Georgy is trying
hard to stop in Iraq with among other
things, the 5th fleet. Tony sent,in the HMS
Ark Royal and a task force to the Persian
Gulf to help his friend Georgy. The funny
thing is, Georgy isn't even talking of any
military solution to what looks like blatant
threats to America from the politicians of
North Korea. Now, if he is genuinely interested in getting rid of nuclear weapons
from "rogue" states, Georgy should try
and do it with not just Iraq, but North
Korea as well. But even his hawkish Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld doesn't
seem to want to send the 7th fleet and
about 37,000 US troops stationed just south
of the DMZ into any sort of confrontation
with the DPRK. Oh yeah the D stands for
Democratic, which they are not.
So here's the million dollar question; who
amongst us still believes George Bush is
only after Iraq's alleged nuclear weapons &
other weapons of mass destruction? And
here's another one, why does he not want
to stop the North Koreans with force? Oh
yeah, how about this one, what about the
Israeli nukes? And finally, what of the
nukes now controlled by Pakistani General
turned dictator President? With the exception of Israel, all the above mentioned up-
and-coming nuclear states are not entirely
democratic. There is a democratic government in Pakistan which has to dance to
General Musharraf's tunes or they'll have
their arses whipped and curried by the
General's loyal soldiers.
So, as I see it, the only goal our friend
Georgy is after is the installation in Iraq of
a new America-loving government, which
will let him (an oil man himself) exploit
Iraq's oil resources (which are second only
to Saudi Arabia's in the world). He doesn't
seem too concerned that a rather isolated
North Korea won't do some damage to the
South Koreans, Japanese and Americans
(remember the soldiers?) who are at close
proximity to the North Koreans. Or at least
not concerned enough to use military
force. Imagine if you will, you are a person
who distrusts one bully; you are poor, hungry and isolated. You are being poked
around by the bully and you feel he's
responsible for some of your misfortune
and the pain from the poking. So you build
a big itch scratcher and you want to smack
the fellow poking you with it. What do you
do if the fellow poking you is America and
you are North Korea?
You use the itch scratcher and take out the
37,000 American soldiers the next time
America pisses you off, no? And if you are
America (or those soldiers/their families)
you want to get rid of that itch scratcher as
quickly as you can, right? So, why doesn't
America want to put the word Fin on the
last unfinished drama of the Cold War?
The answers are many. Probably foremost
is the fact that almost everyone around
there will not want any military conflict.
Also, it will cost a lot of lives, Seoul is very
close to the DMZ; the North Korean missiles can reach Japan. And, there isn't any
oil there that we know of. Oh yeah, if
America does that, China will have a thing
or two to say about it. But America isn't
scared of a poor, developing, Communist
China, now is it? Who knows. I'd be scared
of China if I was going to bomb one of its
neighbours to bits. One of its Communist
neighbours it likes. But then what about
equality and fairness and all that gobshite
America professes to the world with the
help of characters like CNN's Wolf? If
country A is making nuclear weapons and
is on the axis of evil list and so is country B,
then why the difference in medicine to
treat the problem? Why let one off the
hook (especially the Communist one,
because Commies are worse, correct? And
besides you have an old score to settle) and
go after the other one (once an ally during
the Iran-Iraq war)?
To find out the answer, go into the walls of
the US State Department in Washington
DC and ask someone without a gun with
them. And if you don't get charged under
the USA PATRIOT Act, survive and get
back to Canada without losing your luggage, let us all know about it. I'm curious
to know. We certainly do live in interesting
times lads and lasses.
An explanation of sorts for the words perhaps not familiar to all:
Georgy: George Walker Bush, President of
the United States of America
Saddam: come on, you know him right?
Saddam Hussein! the president of Iraq.
Wolf: Wolf Blitzer, CNN anchor, who likes
to go to Iraq and report live.
Kim Tong-il: President of North Korea
Mr. Dressup: this guy I watched when I
came to Canada about 6 years ago. He died
recently. He's a TV host for Children's programs usually on CBC. He's cool!
Tony: British Prime Minister Tony Blair
Hugo: President Hugo Chavez of
Venezuela, he's got problems of his own
these days what with all the strikes going
on in Caracas and surrounding areas.
5th Fleet: US Navy battle group with USS
Abraham Lincoln (Nimitz class aircraft
carrier) as its lead, based out of the Gulf
state of Bahrain.
7th Fleet: US Navy battle group with USS
Kitty Hawk as its lead, based in Yokosuka,
HMS Ark Royal: She's quite the creature, a
Royal Navy aircraft carrier, the fifth ship to
be called the Ark Royal, ask any Englishman and his face will well-up with pride.
Deep load of about 20,000 metric tonnes,
carries Sea Harriers.
Defense: Now that is the American way to
spell. We as proper English speaking people spell it defence correct? And colour has
a U in it...
DPRK: Democratic People's Republic of
Korea (or North Korea for short)
Israeli nukes: They do exist, Israel is a sort
of undeclared nuclear state, and almost
everyone knows they have nuclear
weapons. Officially they don't have any.
Itch scratcher: I mean nuclear weapons of
course, and long range missiles to go with
DMZ: De-militarised zone, a place
between the South and North Koreas,
where machine guns and bigger things like
tanks and so on are not allowed. Watch the
latest James Bond movie to see how that
can be circumvented... the scenes are pretty darn neat.
USA PATRIOT Act: Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate
Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct
Terrorism Act of 2001. Enacted in response
to September 11, 2001 acts of terrorism.
Now how long it took them to get words to
fit the acronym I don't know, but it is funny
how that happened. Don't get charged by
it if you can, I hear that your family won't
see or hear from you for a long time if you
get charged by it. So kids, stay in Canada
and keep our economy going, and if someone knows where I can get a job here (I will
get my BSc. in Computer Science in May)
let me know (unashamed self-promotion
ends here).
Wednesday, January 15,2003
5:30pm to 7:30pm at Chem D250    Food and Refreshments Following
Laurel Schaf er - Organometallics
Presentation: Development of New C-N Bond Forming Catalysts
Description: The preparation and characterization of a new class of titanium and zirconium amidate
complexes will be presented. These complexes are easily varied and the resulting reactivity of the
complexes in C-N bond forming reactions can be adjusted accordingly. New results describing the
scope of the reactivity available to these complexes and potential applications will be discussed.
Michael Blades - Analytical Spectroscopy
Chris Orvig - Medicinal Inorganic Chemistry
Presentation: Metal Ions In Medicine
•f   Martin Tanner - Bioorganic Chemistry
*       Presentation: A Chemical View of Enzyme Catalysis
Elliot Burned - Physical Chemistry
Presentation: NMR and liquid crystals
Description: The NMR of normal liquid solutions yields chemical shifts and coupling constants. A
wealth of additional information is obtainable from orientationally ordered systems, such as liquid
crystals. I'll give a brief overview of liquid crystals, and of NMR using liquid crystals as solvents.
Kristin Orians - Oceanography & Environmental
Presentation: Trace Metals in the Oceans - Where They Go and Why
Description: Have you ever thought about metals in the oceans? Where they come from? Where
they go and how long it takes for them to be removed? How they interact with biological systems
and how biological systems alter their chemistry? I'll discuss some of these questions and give an
quick overview of the exciting field of chemical oceanography.
Hosted by the Undergraduate Chemistry Society
Monday, January 20, 2003
5:30pm to 7:30pm in Chem D250    Food and Refreshments Following
Lawrence Mcintosh - Biochemistry & Structural Biology
Presentation: The Structural Biology of Gene Expression
Description: The goal of our research is use biophysical methods, such as NMR spectroscopy, to
characterize the three-dimensional structures of proteins that are responsible for turning on or off the
expression of genes within our bodies. In my presentation, I will discuss how this research can help
us to understand why mutations in these proteins can lead to diseases such as cancer.
Allan Bertram - Physicals Analytical Chemistry
Presentation: Atmospheric Chemistry Research at UBC
Description: Our research group is interested in problems of the atmosphere, such as heterogeneous
atmospheric chemistry, the physical chemistry of atmospheric aerosols, tropospheric chemistry,
urban air pollution, and global warming. This presentation will introduce this chemistry and discuss
the importance of this research.
Stephen Withers - Bioorganic Chemistry
Presentation: Understanding Enzymes Invoked in the Breakdown of Carbohydrates
Description: Breakdown of complex carbohydrates is carried out by a group of enzymes known as
glycosidases, capable of speed up the rate of hydrolysis 10" fold. My presentation will provide some
examples of various synthetic and analytical methods to probe how they work, and how genetic
engineering is used to convert them into synthetic tools for the assembly of oligosaccharides.
Mark MacLachlan - Inorganic & Materials
Presentation: Inorganic and Materials Chemistry
Description: The last half of the 1900s will be remembered as the Silicon Age, a time when silicon, a
semiconductor, delivered transisters, solar cells, and microchips. It is likely that future computer
technology will be based on molecular-sized components designed to assemble into components. I
will discuss this as well as our efforts to develop new materials for molecular-scale electronics.
John Sherman - Supramolecular Organic Chemistry
*>«■ i i
Presentation: Molecules That Can't Resist Temptation
Description: My research group is involved in the creation of non-natural proteins and the
encapsulation of molecules in molecular prisons. The second area will be my presentation topic,
have entrapped molecules in organic cages, through a process on par with that of receptor-drug
recognition. Novel properties such as stabilization and drug delivery applications are possible.
Gregory Dake - Organic Chemistry
Presentation: Studies in Organic Synthesis
Hosted by the Undergraduate Chemistry Society
We Page Four
7 January 2003
Nippon New Year
Space Fillage
I've never felt as lucky to be in Japan as
I felt on New Year's. Christmas over
here is a pathetic holiday, with no gift-
giving or turkey dinners. Although the
stores sell a variety of Christmas cards, I
don't know who buys them other than we
foreigners. The Japanese prefer to send
New Year's postcards, which the post
offices collect and then deliver en masse on
January 1st. The family I'm staying with
for the holidays received 84! Just think of
receiving 84 Christmas cards, all on
December 25th! The poor mailmen!!
Anyway, Christmas is limited to girls in
sexy Santa suits trying to sell you stuff
(although my friend and I did meet a Santa
girl giving out alcohol samples — now
how cool is that?!), but New Year's is something else! First, there's the food. This year
I learned how to make mochi, which is
basically rice pounded into a smooth,
sticky paste. It's very tasty when stuffed
with sweet red bean paste or other superb
fillings, and it is eaten in a soup on New
Year's Day. Fresh mochi deserves a few
warnings though: first of all, when it's hot,
it's REALLY hot, and since it's sticky,
you've gotta be really careful. When helping to roll the mochi into balls, it sometimes stuck to my palm and burned before
I could tear it off .— edible napalm, if you
will! Also, since it's real sticky, I've heard
that a few old peopJe_die_£ach-year4TO~rfr
choking on" if I "Perhaps continuing to serve
it at least once a year is a sort of survival-
of-the-fittest thing... which would explain
why the old people here are in such great
Besides mochi, there are lots of other delicious treats to be had. On New Year's Eve,
most Japanese people eat soba (buckwheat
noodles); their length is said to symbolize
long life. If you survive the mochi, of
course. On New Year's Day, I also got to eat
a load of other delicious stuff that I can't
really describe in English as I don't know
what most of it was. Delicious anyway. Oh,
if anyone out there knows what a "daikon"
is, it's pretty good!
Besides the food, New Year's involves
more than just a drunken countdown. At
midnight, my host family took me to a
nearby temple, where people were lined
up to give monetary offerings at various
small shrines. After they tossed in their
coin, they got to ring a bell and make a
wish. I don't know if telling your wishes
invalidates them, but I prayed to get laid
this year. I figure if the Japanese can pray
to pass tests, my request isn't much different. And besides, I couldn't think of anything else I needed.
After visiting the temple, we headed to a
small shrine, where two guys were ringing
a HUGE bell 108 times, to symbolize the
108 human sins. As I recall, Christians have
only 7 "deadly" sins. Either the Japanese
108 are not all deadly, or Buddhists are
more imaginative than Christians. (I can
picture George Bush reading the list of 108
sins: "Well, hold on there... Honey? I suddenly got this strange urge... do we have
any wasabe in the house?")
We all returned home to get some sleep,
and then later that day, we went visiting
the relatives. I soon learned the purpose of
this: to receive New Year's Money!! Yes,
you heard me right, if you're a child or a
student, your relatives give you MONEY
on New Year's!! (I am well aware that I am
not surprising anyone who celebrates Chinese New Year, but until this year I was a
Money-Packet-Virgin!) The rellies kindly
pretended I was not blue-eyed and treated
me as kin: I made a killing!! 108 varieties of
sin and free cash just for being a lazy student ?1^hTh"KYm hooked on this culture!!
Well, I have to get to bed now, as tomorrow the family is waking up early and
going out to spend our New Year's
money!! Hmm, I could probably use it to
make that temple-prayer come true... bah,
I'm too cheap; I'll never pay for what I can
get for free! Minasan, akemashite omedeto
gozaimasu!! (Happy New Year's everyone!)
I hear another difference between our two cultures is that, when it comes to sexy alcohol-
dispensing Santa-babes, you're supposed to
put things in their stockings instead of the
other way around.
Ben Warrington
Medium Rare
Gun Control
Okay, the federal gun registry was supposed to cost $200 million with $198 million being made back in registration fees. It
was supposed to have a net cost of $2 million. The actual cost to date is $1 billion
with a few tens of millions of dollars made
back in fees. It has a net cost, to date, of
$900 million plus. Much ado has been
made about this in the popular media, but
being the red-necked Albertan that I am, I
couldn't leave it alone. A program that was
stupid and unnecessary in the first place
(less than 2% of gun related crimes in
Canada are perpetrated using legal guns)
is now going to cost 450-500 times what it
was supposed to. Thank you dumbfuck
Liberal government.
ClonAid has announced the birth of the
first cloned human baby. Of course, the
family refuses to allow independent testing to confirm this. How convenient. I am
very suspicious of this seeing as the first
pregancy that was announced was in Italy
and is due to be born in mid-January. How
interesting that ClonAid's shows up just a
couple weeks before. Also interesting that
ClonAid is associated with a religious cult
that has a vested interest in getting as
much money from their "customers" as
possible. I won't say that ClonAid's claims
are impossible. Just because your beliefs
are a bit strange to the rest of us doesn't
mean that you are completely incompetent. For me at least, though, an organization such as this requires extraordinary
proof to support their claim.
I have gone over to the dark side. I signed
up to TA a Physics 102 lab. Unfortunately,
I probably won't be regaling you with stories of student stupidity because it somehow seems unprofessional. Don't worry
though; we still have Mr. Martin to heap
scorn on his students as few of them are
likely to read this paper.
Orthodox Christmas
Today (January 7) is Orthodox Christmas.
It occurs to me that I should convert to the
Ukrainian Orthodox church. That way, I
could get wrapping paper, decorations,
cards, and so on for 75% off in the days
after December 25. It would save me a lot
every year.
Andy Martin
Andy Martin has been home for the holidays. This gave him the opportunity to
help out on this issue of the 432. An enormous help he has been. God bless you Mr.
Martin. God bless you and your band . . .
as long as you keep sending the articles.
Get your free copy:
It's better than what you already have,
it's digital!
"Burn on rigHtecue Vfendi.
eric tsng 2002    Dead  POOl
Saddle Sore
Die die die. You will all die in time.
Perhaps one day, someone will put
you on his/her official the 432 Dead
Pool© form. And you will die. And they
will win fabulous prizes for your demise.
But until that time, you must learn to
appreciate the life you are granted until I
come around a take your soul to Hades.
Enjoy and cherish a warm summer breeze,
the whiskers of a kitten, the gleam of the
moonlight reflecting off the dildo.
Some famous people made their final
journey to the underworld while you were
enjoying the holidays. George Roy Hill,
the man who made 'the Sting; and 'Butch
Cassidy and the Sundance Kid' died as you
were choosing your wardrobe for New
Years. Joe Strummer of the Clash, a pioneering band that heavily influences many
' bands that came after them, died of a heart
attack just before Christmas. I wonder
what you do with a dead man's presents?
Give them back or open them yourself.
Either way, somebody's gonna get insulted.
Whatever you'd do, you didn't get any
Dead Pool points, and neither did anybody
else. 7 January 2003
Page Five
Oh no, not more ranting
Jason Rogalski
Wishes he was Dennis Miller
So, since I had marginally under-
whemling reviews of my last article
(not that they were BAD per se, but I
had visions of a Pulitzer) I've decided to
write another. I've thought long and hard
about what to write about: Should I use
this column space for biting political commentary (GORDO Sucks!), calls for social
reform (Canucks games on pay-per-view?
Where's the justice?) or should I just make
fun of shit that I feel needs to be made fun
of? Well, due to my giving up on politics
and society in general, and the warm,
fuzzy feeling I get when I tell people that
they're stupid, I've decided to stay with
simple, cold-hearted mockery.
Pre-faded Jeans
Ok, I'd like to think that I am as fashion
conscious as the next guy (Ha!) and I was
all for the trend in the '90's that led from
the high-waisted, figure hiding Guess? and
Jordache jeans, to the figure revealing,
faded-butt Shank and Levi's Silver-Tabs,
(meanwhile, guy's jeans remained loose
and comfortable) This trend, however,
failed to stop at the logi.cal point in its evolution: Where the jeans still looked good.
Over the last year or three, clothing manufacturers have seemingly been subjecting
us to an elaborate experiment, the goal of
which is to see just how ridiculous they can
make people look while still raking it in
hand over fist. They realized that the butt-
faded jeans were selling, so naturally - in
the 'if-some-is-good-more-is-better' North
American culture - someone decided to
fade the front of the thighs a little. No
problem there, as it still looks natural. But
then, after a freak accident at the stone-
washing warehouse, they began selling
jeans with fading on the FRONT OF THE
CALVES! And the public, ever vigilant to
show that it is collectively dumber than a
half-full glass of warm Tang (I don't even
get that one) scooped them up faster than a
Baskin & Robins assistant manager working the booth at a Weight Watchers
dropout convention in August. So clothing
manufacturers, scarcely believing their
luck that people are even more gullible
than they thought, started cranking out
pants that, for all intents and purposes,
had vertical white stripes down the front
and back of both legs. I can only think of
two reasons for buying these pants: 1.) To
use as camouflage for hiding behind a
white picket fence, and 2.) to look like an
And don't get me started on American
Eagle Outfitters, who sell guys' pants that
look surprisingly similar to jeans that fell
off the back of the truck on the way to the
Salvation Army from the drop-box at a coal
mine. These guys take pre-fading to the
next level, and actually sell jeans that look
faded and DIRTY! I guess instead of actually working, people would rather buy
these pants to give the illusion that they
have a job in the glorious field of 'digging.'
News flash asshole, your wool jacket and
polished shoes give ample evidence that
you actually paid $80 for those pants, and
therefore qualify for disability under WCB
regulations, article 5 section 32.4b: Being
too stupid to hang on to your money.
People Who Don't Flush After They
Take a Shit
Wow. What can I say about these guys? I
say 'guys' because I don't know if this actually happens in a woman's washroom (and
I hope it doesn't), but every single guy
already knows what I'm talking about.
These guys, desperate to leave a legacy
somewhere, do their business in a public
washroom, AND JUST WALK AWAY. My
best guess is that these guys are just assholes who get a small kick by making people gag. Ok, I'm a guy too, so I could
understand if it was a record-breaking shit
or something, but these half-assed efforts
(Is that a pun?) are just pathetic. So guys,
here's the rule: If you believe that Guinness
should be contacted because you just lost
ten pounds, then by all means, leave it so
that your claim can be validated. In all
other instances, flush it the fuck down.
You're not impressing anybody.
Umbrella Etiquette
So the rainy season (oct-july) is upon us
again in Vancouver, so naturally umbrellas
come out in droves. Now, for the most part,
people in Vancouver have used umbrellas
more than B.C.'s recent string of inadequate Premiers have used spin-doctors, so
they know how to wield one. But sooner or
later, you'll run into some tool that has no
fucking clue what he/she is doing. You
know the people. These are the ones that
walk under awnings with open umbrellas,
the people that make no effort to make
room when you pass them on a sidewalk,
and the people that tilt their umbrella
when standing beside you, so that the
water runs onto (or into) your jacket. These
people are generally totally oblivious to
the world beyond their umbrella, and I've
also noticed a direct correlation between
the size of the umbrella and the lack of
respect for others. That in itself is a frightening realization, as there is a recent trend
towards gargantuan umbrellas. It is similar
to the trend to get bigger and bigger SUV's:
It's all well and good to be the one in the
SUV, but the rest of us need to look the
fuck out because you don't know how to
drive it. In one stunning example I had the
pleasure to witness, a guy was walking (no
umbrella) from the SUB as a girl (unnecessarily large umbrella) was walking
towards it. The sidewalk would have been
plenty large for both of them to pass without incident, unfortunately, the girl had her
head up her ass and was therefore not
looking. The guy, seeing the huge parabolic nylon monstrosity coming at him, simply stuck his hand out to block the impact.
The effect on the girl was tantamount to
running into a wall. The guy just kept on
walking, without looking at the girl or saying a thing. The girl gave him a dirtier look
than I got when I tolbTrriy grrtfriendJL loved
her just to get out of trouble. That was the
worst part, the fact that she had no idea
that she was a negligent asshole.
The Sign At The Bus Loop That Says 'No
I'm not kidding. Look for it.
Because if they called them 'Sad Meals/ then kids wouldn't buy them.
The Dark Side of Numbers
Kyrke Gaodreau
The Flipped Side
For the past century dr so, scientists
have been caught up in the quantum
revolution. The notion that energy
comes only in discrete packets, called
quanta, has led to some of the most startling discoveries and postulations. Once
such postulation is belief that the universe
created itself, quantum mechanically, so to
speak. Much as the creation of the universe
is an ever intriguing topic, this paper will
deal with one of the darker aspects of
quantum mechanics, quantum mechani-
mals. It is firmly hoped that this paper can
convince you of set of disgusting and
somewhat odd set of experiments that are
being ■ performed.
There is no question that animals are
quantized. Take a zebra, for example. You
can only have a discrete number of zebras,
and when you have more than one zebras,
you call the bunch of them a zebra packet.
Zebras are obviously not the only species
to be quantized. All animals, and even
humans, travel around as discrete packets.
This, of course, leads to the very important
question of, "why the hell did it take 2
thousand years for scientists to discover
quantum mechanics?" Well, to be quite
honest, humans are, as a race, extremely
stupid, so it is no surprise we couldn't figure it out. Incidentally, all the rules discovered at the microscopic level, also apply to
the macroscopic. For example; remember
the infamous Heisenberg uncertainty principle? What this principle states is that you
will never be sure if the animal you're look
ing at is a zebra or a horse with stripes
painted on it. Moreover, the closer you try
to get to the animal, the farther it will run
away. Thus you will always remain uncertain as to its true being. The only simple
solution is, of course, to shoot the damn
thing and then go check: however, as soon
as you shoot it, it is no longer either a horse
or a zebra, but rather a hunk of dead meat,
otherwise known as supper.
Now that we have all the basic details of
how quantum mechanimalistics works, we
can get to the problem at hand. It concerns
a group of scientists working out of Simon
Frasier University, in B.C. In a nutshell,
they are trying to perform single slit diffraction on a packets of zebras, or painted
horses, no one's quite sure. Now what does
this mean? Well, as you all know, all particles, including light, exhibit wave-like
behavior when diffracted through 1 or
many slits. In the case of non-light particles, the wavelength used to calculate this
diffraction is known as the de Broglie
wavelength. Now, until last week, the only
particles ever having been diffracted were
electrons, neutrons and protons. All this
recently changed when some scientists at
SFU decided to go 'quantum.' They rounded up all the stray zebras (we'll just call
them zebras) on campus and started performing the diffraction experiment upon
The setup they use is very simple. They
built a wall (wall A), roughly 20 feet tall by
60 feet wide and put two slits in it, right
near the middle. Thirteen feet behind this
wall is another wall of the same size but
lacking any slits. Lets call it wall B. In front
of wall A is a long runway about 900 feet
long and 60 feet wide with fences surrounding it to pen in the zebras. The whole
contraption was given the casual name
"The Pen," and as we can see, this simple
setup belies the total cruelty of these scientists.
The experiment is as follows. About 30
zebras are placed inside the enclosure and
are forced to run towards the slits in
absolute terror as they are chased by a
large picture of a dog. As they run towards
the slits, the zebras will in effect explode
through one by one, with their blood forming diffraction patters on Wall B. The mess
is then cleaned up and a large barbeque
always follows. This experiment has been
performed about fifteen times and the scientists have collected enough data, and
girth size to force them to sit down and figure out the de Broglie wavelength of the
Now one might wonder why these scientists are seeking so forcefully to find the de
Broglie wavelength of such a beautiful,
albeit moronic, creature. Well, they're reasons are about the only noble thing about
them. They are hoping that with the wavelength of the zebra, they will always be
able to tell the difference between zebras
and horses that are painted with stripes.
You see, until we can tell the difference
between them, we'll never be able to safely
eat at "Le Queue de Cheval" in Montreal,
(note, for all you non Frenchmen out there,
cheval means horse."
It is always a sad day when the pure and
clean nature of science gets perverted by a
few horse killers, out for a good time. It is
for this reason that I firmly recommend
that we chop these scientists up and let
them swim with the sea-horses.
While it is true that some people might be
blind enough to justify such a mass slaughter and feast, no one would be able to after
learning of the ultimate irony of this whole
affair. It seems that the scientists all forgot
to incorporate a truly important aspect of
mathematics into their experiment; that
being Godel's theorem of incompleteness.
In a nutshell, what Godel told us is that
there are some true statements in a system
that cannot be proven. A quick example of
this is just your everyday paradoxical
statement, like "This statement is false." To
prove it true is to prove it false, and to
negate is to prove it true. It is through these
statements that Godel proved that no system is totally complete and immune from
his Theorem. Now, these scientists were
also using a formal system, in the sense
that they were systematically slaughtering
these poor beasts. Because of this use of a
system, their results are, in fact, incomplete; and leave our scientists with nothing
but a full belly; which won't help them
very much when they're running from the
Before I finish off this essay and command
you to go hunt these people down, I would
like to qualify what they did a little bit.
They are not the only people doing evil in
this world. I mean, who knows what goes
on in some of the engineering labs. This
does not, however, validate in any way
what these people are doing. Just think of
the flood gates that they could potentially
be opening. What if people wanted to
know the difference in wavelength
between left handed and right handed
people. Should we all be sent to the pen as
these poor animals were? I think not.
In conclusion, I am overwhelmingly
happy to get this off my chest. I had been
threatened about telling anyone, but I
decided that I could be brave enough to
face this threat. When the time comes, I
will be ready, will you? Page Six
7 January 2003
Acid Redux
/i        Graeme Kennedy
King without a Crown
hat matters
The weird thing about Christmas break is
my family's obsession with hats. Now, I've
been thinking about this, and as best as I
can come up with it's a Kennedy thing.
Two reasons, really: for one, 'kennedy' is
Celtic for 'ugly head.' So, any opportunity
to cover this zucchini is appreciated. Secondly, this particular ugly head has the
additional curse of bad hair, passed down
from some ancestral sheep chaser. The
curse is known as 'haggis head,' and there
ain't nothin you can do about this short of
number two shears.
Christmas crackers always contain those
hokey, folded, crepe paper hats that never
sit on right, make the psychologically-dis-
turbingly sexy cousin look better, the war
vet uncle look dignified, but make me look
like I fell out of the dork tree and hit every
branch on the way down.
This is shortly followed by New Years
with its mandatory "aw, c'mon! evre-
budyzwearinem" peer pressure metallic
sheen dunce caps, complete with elastic
band straped under the chin to secure said
hat in place, lest it fall off as you collapse
into the punchbowl right in front of that
cute, scantily clad amazon with the reputation, as you sputter something about 'living la vida loca' before finally passing out
' in a heap in a pile of spilled cheezies. Not
that I've done this.
the gift of gift giving
Now, normally, when I belay I'm forced to
begrudgingly look up at my climbing partner's ass and pray - pray - that said gluts
don't end up falling on my head. This has
been true of upteen maybe twelve partners, male and female, until this one. This
girl, I'm thinking, can just fall whenever.
I'm indifferent. So you see now suddenly,
I'm sort of conflicted. I mean, it's alright to
look - hell, I'm supposed to watch - but is it
alright not to tell her that this isn't just a
mundane safety ogle?
It gets worse, because she's single and cute
and smart and this is just a disaster waiting
to happen for me, because there's somebody else for me, you see, and she's in Halifax, and I can't cheat, but it's been like
since summer, and I gots needs man, so my
life is a big test right now. Not that I think
this girl's actually interested, mind you,
but it's the principle of the thing.
So I'm being extra careful to avoid getting
myself into situations I might regret, or
giving mistaken signals that are actually
sincere signals I didn't intend to send, in a
Freudian slip sort of way. What I'm getting
at is that I wanted to get her a Christmas
gesture gift that was friendly, but not to
friendly. Thoughtful, but not too thougth-
ful. You get the picture. I'm pathological;
bear with me. Oh, and I'm 34 and I figure
she's 22. Friendly, but not too friendly.
Nice, but not too nice.
So what I came up with first was, okay,
she's an entymologist - a bee researcher - so
I bought some flavoured honey sealed in
straws like pixie sticks from a bee lady in
the market. I told my friend Steve, and he
calculated the age difference, and just muttered 'would you like some candy little
girl?.' Okay, point taken. Giving her a rod
to suck on until she's extracted the contents
is totally, completely, disturbed, and furthermore, that I even thought it made
sense as a Christmas gift kinda creeps me
My next idea originated with a trip to the
Cariboo I did on my bike a few years back
when I wiped out near Cache Creek and
landed ass-first in a treasure trove of shale
with little impressions of plants and bugs
in it. I thought a prehistoric insect would
be just the right thing for an entymologist,
and it was just a rock after all, didn't cost
me anything, so no big deal. Steve pointed
out that if I was really concerned about
looking old, giving a girl a fossil was not
going to send the right message. Screw
Freud, man, and screw Steve. And screw
you, too, for laughing.
I take that back... sorry. Sorry. It's just been
a pill of a year. I promise to do better.
I actually make my lifestyle change resolutions on my birthday rather than on January 1st. I'm born in June, and this way, I
avoid the crowds in the gym that usually
last until about March and then drop off
like Bob Dole from a campaign stage. But
for the sake of entertainment, and in the
spirit of giving readers way, way, too much
information, here's my list of new goals:  •
1. Get cooler friends
2. Pass all my courses
3. I'd like to get laid at least once this year
4. Get a job with better pay and better
oh, no, wait... this is the same list from
when I was 13... shit, some things never
change. I'm going back to bed. 2003 can
start next week.
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Healthy, Redefined
Eggy Yuh
* w       Single Serving Packet
Everyone's pretty familiar with the
four basic food groups: grains, fruits
& vegetables, meat, and dairy. And
everything in moderation, with the good
old Canada Health Guide telling us how
many servings of each group we're supposed to have, based on our age, sex and
whether or not we happen to be pregnant.
Never mind that no one really knows how
big a serving is; apparently, it's one Nature
Valley granola bar, despite the fact that two
come in each package. But whatever. Four
food groups, and hopefully some sort of
balance between the four.
But then the holidays come along, and the
four basic food groups are pushed aside
and replaced by the four holiday food
groups: chocolate, cookie, orange and
liquor. Crossbreeding between the groups
is perfectly acceptable, of course. And
there are a million ways to rationalize the
holiday foods into the basic foods, with
varying degrees of success, depending on
how much you want to believe the excuses.
(1) Chocolate. This hardly needs to be
explained. For me, this was a staple of
breakfast. Hell, it was breakfast. Chocolate
in all sorts of forms: the good quality
(Daniel, le chocolate beige - sigh), the
medium quality (Purdy's), and the cheap
crap that tastes amazingly good and sugary (Quality Street, Toblerone). Being an
equal opportunity chocolate consumer, I
don't discriminate between chocolate
grades; I'll eat it all, given the opportunity.
Further, each chocolate has to be eaten a
certain way: some are chewed, some are
crunched, and some are allowed to melt on
your tongue.
The rationalization, of course, is that it's
similar to having a cup of coffee. Chocolate
contains caffeine and sugar, and some sort
of milk by-products. A cup of coffee, conveniently packaged into a small, bite-sized
piece of yum. What could be better?
(2) Cookie. This group encompasses all
varieties of cookie, from shortbread
(mmm, butter) to gingerbread men and
everything in between. Cake and pie can
fall in this category, unless the most prominent ingredient is chocolate, in which case
it falls into the chocolate group (see above).
Just like chocolate, cookies have their own
personalities and prefer to be eaten in certain ways.
Shortbread is eaten delicately: try your
best to avoid crumb production, and
always make sure your pinkie is up. Best
with Earl Grey tea, of course. Gingerbread
men must be eaten feet first, so they don't
run away. Next, you eat the arms so they
can't try and hit you. Then you eat the
torso, leaving the head for last so that they
can witness the entire ordeal. Repeat as
necessary. Next year, I'm icing my gingerbread men with looks of terror on their
Cookies, of course, are an excellent source
of butter and sugar. The buttery-sugary
goodness can be offset by what you put in
the cookie: for example, ginger in gingerbread is excellent at preventing nausea
(good for airplane turbulence, you see),
and cookies often have nuts in them. Nuts
are good for you. So there.
(3) Orange. What's that, you say? Am I
talking about mandarin oranges, or am I
actually proposing an entire group comprised of orange food? Mandarin oranges,
of course, would fit in the fruit & veg category of the traditional four food groups,
and thus are most certainly excluded from
any sort of holiday discussion. No, I'm
thinking about nacho-flavoured Doritos
(hell, nacho-flavoured anything), cheesy
poofs, and peach-flavoured candy canes.
This category is so treasured that I often
hide the above-mentioned items from
everyone else, and wait until everyone has
gone home until I open the packages. Especially cheesy poofs.
Orange, then, is an excellent source of artificial cheese, which would make it a good
source of calcium and vitamin D. Further,
the fact that cheesy poofs are mostly air
makes eating an entire bag of them akin to
eating an entire bag of air. And since when
is air bad for you?
(4) Liquor. Of the rum & eggnog type, of
the mulled wine type, of the gin & tonic
type, of the good old beer type...the list is
endless. Best when served without a large
bill and government liquor taxes. Best had
at a friend's place, or at a company Christmas party with open bar. Liquor, like most
things, tastes infinitely better when it's
It functions as liquid courage, so that you
can work up the nerve to hit on that attractive person on the other side of the bar. Or
so that you can tell your boss exactly what
you think of him or her. Or so that you can
serenade everyone with your vocal
stylings on karaoke, a la Bridget Jones.
And think of all the great nutritional content of the mixers: eggnog is chock full of,
well, egg (very good for you; source of protein), mulled wine is good for the heart
(and offsets the effects of cholesterol from
the aforementioned egg in eggnog), gin &
tonic is served with a mighty wedge of
lime (vitamin C, of course), and
beer...well, beer needs no rationalization.
So you see, the four holiday food groups
really aren't that bad for you. There are
definitely nutritional benefits. And even if
you don't buy into them, January has a
funny way of putting things back to normal. I hate that.
Want to be published?
Write for the Paradigm, SUS's serious Science magazine.
if you are interested in writing or have any other questions,
em 3/7 the432@hotmail.com as soon as possible. 7 January 2003
Page Seven
The Drawers of SUS     AMS Anecdote
Ben Warrington
Okay, we are going to try this again.
The Paradigm was not published
last fall because I only received one
submission. This means that you have
another chance to get yourself involved.
More than anything, we are looking for
writers, but also we need people to help
edit and produce the magazine.
For those who are unfamiliar with the Paradigm, it is SUS's serious magazine. It is an
opportunity for you to get a short article
published on a research project that you
have done or on any other subject that may
be of interest to science students. Anything
even remotely related to science is fair
game including social issues, historical
development of a field and so on. There are
still a few copies of the Paradigm from last
year in the SUS office (LSK 202) if you want
to come by and see what it is all about.
If you are interested in writing or con
tributing in any other way, send me an
email as soon as possible (the432@hot-
mail.com). Please indicate in the subject
that the message is in regards to the Paradigm. We are aiming to have the magazine
printed for Science Week (January 27), so
the deadline for submissions will be
around January 22 (It is not yet set in
Secondly, we will be having a Publications
meeting on Thursday, January 9th at
4:32pm in LSK 202. On the agenda will be
production of the Paradigm, so if you are
interested in helping, you may show up to
the meeting. Also on the agenda is a slight
reorganization of the 432, distribution of
the 432, and archival among other things. If
you are interested in writing or getting
involved with this paper, you may also
show up to the meeting.
Anyway, we will see how much of that
agenda we can get through in a reasonable
amount of time. Pizza and pop will be provided.
Chris Zappavigna
For those of you that have been following this saga, it is now over. In a
much anticipated fashion, the girlfriend has returned to Vancouver- without
I hope everyone enjoyed their well-earned
holidays and, thus far, are sticking to their
New Year's resolutions. As for your Science Senator, I was doing just the same as
everyone else- drinking and eating basic
glutany. Enter, weight-room.
As for senate-related busniess, the Faculty
of Science Dean search is now in full-
swing. While all of you were fast asleep the
morning of December 18th, I was in a
meeting at 7:30 AM. I'm one dedicated
S.O.B. The written profile of the position
has been produced and editted, and will be
sent out to the entire faculty shortly. The
students will be recieving the profile via
yours truly, and are encouraged to give
input and advice.
Later that same day, at 7:30 PM, general
Senate met for our December meeting.
Some interesting reports were given, but
none related to Science students. If you'd
like to know the specifics of the December
Senate meeting, please e-mail me.
The Meeting of 8 and Vz Hours
Dan Yokom
VP External
Tuition Consultation
Brian Sullivan came to give AMS a presentation about where our money will be
going from the tuition raises. This year's
tuition increase is going to be about 30%
for Science students, which is another $800.
This puts us at about $3500 a year, which is
still under the Canadian average but we
are getting up there. You will be getting
chances to give feedback through another
online survey, forums, and email. Please
keep reading for further info.
TA Union
TA's are currently in negotiations with the
University over a new contract. UBC is
offering them very little as far as improvements to the contract including no raises
over three years, even with the tuition raises. Furthermore, the negotiations aren't
going particularly smoothly to say the
least, so the TA Union is now considering
going on strike as early as next semester.
So if you appreciate your TA's then let the
University know by signing the .support
form at www.cupe2278.ca. These students
run our undergraduate labs and teach you
useful job skills for your future career
please show them your full support so that
they don't have to go on strike.
Forums, information booths and further
discussions will be going on during
November to inform you all about the new
transit deal. It looks like a referendum will
be done in the New Year to add the fee for
the bus pass to our student fees. Although
the final deal has not been confirmed, it is
getting very close to being finished.
New Student Card
New fancy shmancy student/library cards
will be given to new incoming students
starting in January. No more laminated
POS cards for us. The reason given for
changing to the new card is that the library
is actually running out of the film used for
the pictures, and the company is no longer
manufacturing it anywhere in the world!!
And for some reason that does not surprise
me in the least. Hopefully the rest of us
will get them for next year, but it hasn't
been decided yet.
AMS Elections
AMS Council passed a motion to have
online voting for the AMS Executive elections during the third week of January.
This will give you an opportunity to vote
from the convenience of your own home or
at computer poll booths around campus,
so there is pretty much no reason for anyone to not vote. Look for the new fancy
"Elections" button on your Student Service _
Center site.
Also with the elections, nominations are
now open for anyone that would like to
run for an AMS Executive, Senate, or Board
of Governor's positions. Pick up nomination forms in SUB 238 or email elec-
tions@ams.ubc.ca for more info. But they
are only available until 10 January so you
have to do it in a hurry. Everyone is eligible
to run, and it's fun!!
First Year Science Movie Night
Gina Eom
Fatal Repulsion
The First Year Committee and CSP
Council dragged a bunch of first
years out on Friday night, November
22, to watch "Fatal Attraction? The rather
explicit content of the movie shocked even
those who organized it ("I saw the edited
version, okay?????" -anonymous member
of CSP Senate), and caused many viewers a
hard time swallowing their pizza, which
was provided by FYC. Overall, it was an
enjoyable event-a nice breather for first
years before final exams. Pooh on you if
you missed out.
Having said that, here is a picture of not
exactly first years dishing out on the free
Publications Committee Meeting
Thursday, January 9 at 4:32 pm
in SUS (LSK 202)
All Welcome
Pizza and Pop Provided
See Publications Under Drawers of SUS for More Information Page Eight
7 January 2003
Songs in the Key of Kicked Balls
Andy Martin
Andy Valandy
The human race has struggled long
and hard in discovery and invention
for over a million years, and it still
has yet to discover anything as humiliating
as singing lessons. They are a elongated
and irritating trial that sucks all the cool
out of you.
In undertaking lessons, I was trying to
better myself towards a cooler life. I joined
my band with no experience. Everybody
around me had it all: previous bands,
music schooling, and professional skill. I
came in to take the role of frontman with
vocal chords trained only by being a 'loud
drunk,' an ability for on-the-spot one-liners, and having the arrogance to sing about
how good I was in the sack in front of 10 to
250,000 people I didn't know (we're a little
closer to one end of that attendance spectrum than we'd like, but thems the breaks).
I decided that if I was going to keep up, I
was going to have to seek professional
1 scanned the yellow pages, but found no
rock star camps, so I moved on to music
schools. Found a nice one that actually
wanted me to sign up for a term of lessons.
With the whole shebang of regular class
scedules and D minuses included. I cursed,
hung up, and tried the next place down the
list. It worked, and I walked in the next
Meeting the teacher, a Mrs. Robinson type
Swedish soprano, she asked me what I
singing style I wanted to learn.
"Well, I sing for a hard rock band named
'Pale Horse.' I want to be able to sing low
like Jeff Martin [the Tea Party], but with the
falsetto power of Bruce Dickenson [Iron
Maiden]. I want the range of Sebastian
Bach [formerly of Skid Row], the clear tone
of Bono [U2], and the ability to do some
Lemmy [Motorhead]-style gravel when I
need it, all with the soul of the great blues
"Okay, sing ia-la-la-la' for the next half
hour, and then we'll end with a show-
"This will help me get groupies, right?"
Despite the humiliation of the previous
passage, it pales in comparison to your
first range check. Falsetto signing (when a
male voice goes very high - think AC/DC)
takes a year of vocal muscle development
to not sound like your testicles are getting
pureed. The teacher just kept asking me to
sing higher and higher. By the time I hit the
highest notes, I sounded like a disemboweled mouse who was having his prostate
diced. I finished the ordeal, and the teacher
said "That was very good, you've got a pro
range there" I look at her like she must be
deaf or something...you can't hear what
just transpired with a positive outlook on
It became even more humiliating when I
found out afterwards that the practice
room wasn't soundproof, meaning the
whole buidling had heard and had suffered. It became even even more humiliating when I lost a tape of a practice, which
somehow found its way to my friend's
stereo when I assumed it to be a blank
Singing training itself is mostly muscle
building. Like doing bench presses in your
throat. You have to learn control of muscles
you never thought of before. You have to
strengthen them to where they are able
contract strongly (hitting higher notes
more clearly) and be able to control their
contraction exactly to conform them perfectly to hit the right note. But the main
aim of learning to sing properly is not to
get nodules in your throat (ugly growths
on your chords from straining too hard).
And when your band's strategy is 'if it's
louder, it sounds better,' you need to take
some serious la-la-la time in order to not
shred your throat.
And then, what, dear god, happens when
one develops some sense of pitch. As much
as one may believe it to be a useful skill, it's
more a curse. Nearly everything you hear
-sounds like crap. You know the irritation
of hearing your roommate singing in the
shower. Imagine the irritation coupled
with the event multiplied several ZIL-
LION-fold. I once almost burst out of my
room and into my roommate's room with
the sole intent of removing his larynx for
the good of all mankind as he was gaving
an ear-rending version of Tom Petty's latest
I have a friend with perfect pitch (the mysterious condition that few people possess,
of being able to tell what a note is just by
hearing it, supposedly you have to be born
with it), and reports feelings of nausea
upon hearing his students play a detuned
•I «j i i ij r   -ii
jrg'r    n ) r rib r rrr
A recent concert gave me an impression of
what that must be like. My band was playing with six other bands in a dive bar (the
first proving grounds of the NYC music
scene). Watching one of the early bands, I
felt waves of nausea, wracking my body,
based only on what I was hearing. I could
dissect exactly what they were doing, and
asked to dear heaven above why they
wanted to subject the human populace to
it. The instruments I could barely stand,
but it was the singing that pushed me over.
It sounded like two cats being stapled
But, despite my hate for this particular
artist who shall remain nameless, I have a
sense of honour between my fellow musicians. I never badmouth any music...any
real music (pop music doesn't count as
music, it counts as crap). I've had my blood
brought to a boil many times over hearing
people who had no idea what they were
saying, exclaim in a orgy of well thought
out explanation: 'they suck.'
The most recent sinner was my own mother, who, upon hearing me blast my band's
latest demo, asked: 'What is this? It's horrible. Who does this?' The first truly negative
review I've gotten. From. My. Own. Mother.
I may describe bands as 'lacking something' or 'borrowing too heavily from
another band's sound' or 'sounding so
limp-dicked, Cobain would kick his ass if
he were still alive.' But I'll never just blurt
out 'they suck.'
Except your favourite band, they suck.
Long and hard.
rt rrr p*
Science ~Week is Coming...
January 27-31


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