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The 432 1999-09-22

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 VOLUME THIRTEEN ISSUE TWO
22 SEPTEMBER 1999
"Never bet on a race if you forgot which horse you drugged."
Duckman, Fountain of Wisdom.
«
Should frosh have sex?
AMS to ask students.
»
Soundproofing of walls in Totem and Vanier to begin in October.
UBC, VANCOUVER (AP)
In a press conference Tuesday morning, Ryan Marshall, the President of
the Alma Mater Society of UBC,
announced that the third question on
this year's September 29th referendum
would not be on the legalisation of marijuana as previously stated.
"We talked with our lawyers, and they
said that no matter which way the students voted, we couldn't declare UBC a
marijuana legalised zone. Bloody hell.
After talking with Nathan, we decided to
ask the student body a question that
might have a measurable impact on this
campus."
The wording of the new referendum
question will read as follows:
"Do you support the Alma Mater Society of UBC adopting a stance that calls
for a comprehensive stress reduction
strategy that includes:
• The advocation of promiscuous sex in
the traditional first year residences,
Totem Park and Place Vanier;
• An increase of health services, including birth control information sessions
and access to prophylactics in all residences;
• An increase in social skill workshops,
to decrease the number of virgins and
increase the number of safe, healthy
relationships;
• The prescription of the contraceptive
drugs of choice, set up under safe medically monitored conditions."
When questioned about the Society's
change in position, Nathan Allen, Coordinator of External Affairs, replied,
"Last year in Vancouver, 400 deaths were
attributed to severe stress overdoses. In
Europe, where similar programs have
been implemented, attributed deaths
have dramatically reduced. You'd have
to have your head pretty far up your ass
not to put those two together."
Ryan Marshall concluded the press conference after saying, "We are just posing
a question to the student body. The AMS
is not taking a side on this issue. We will
be having two committees formed, one
in favour of the question and one
against. Commerce will be forming the
"No" committee, because we all know
those guys in Commerce can't have fun.
m
uu
a by Duncan (wdQraemo
VJ1LL     PRETEND  Jo
Join.   ^jouf\    Cult
You'll want to talk to Maryann Adamac,
AMS Vice President, about the "Yes"
committee. Heck, even Maryann likes a
good stiffy now and then."
Reaction from campus groups has been
mixed. UBC's Greek Council, comprised
of elected members of all the fraternities,
stated "This is a great day for UBC. After
years of parties dedicated to raising student awareness of sex, liquor, and
debauchery in general, the first real battle has been won." In stark contrast, the
Campus Crusade for Christ (CCC), was
adamant that this question should not
be put to the student body.
"The asking of this question will only
serve to increase the immorality of students on this campus. It's irresponsible
and we won't stand for it. Adopting a
pro-sex attitude may encourage younger
and more easily influenced students to
begin experimenting with sex. Ever since
we lost the fight to outlaw looking down
in the shower, its been a downhill slide
for humanity. Well, I say it stops here"
said Karen McMaster, spokesperson for
the CCC.
A residence life advisor, speaking with
The 432 on the condition of anonymity,
said that whatever way the referendum
goes, not a lot will change in the lives of
the average UBC student. "These kids
have just left home for the first time.
Even with a roommate who might walk
in at any time, they can't keep their
pants on. What this referendum might
do is persuade the administration to
soundproof those god-damn walls so I
can get some sleep."
Regardless of the mixed reaction on
campus, the real question on this issue is
whether or not an AMS referendum can
make a difference in the real world.
Lawyers contracted by The 432 unanimously declare the AMS lacks the power
to act on referendum results from this
proposal.
"Simply put, it is beyond their jurisdiction. This is not the reason that the AMS
exists as a form of student government.
Any attempt to enact legislation to support this referendum question will, most
likely, be forcibly rebuked by UBC
Administration. Oh well, at least they
weren't stupid enough to pose a question on legalising drugs or some such."
Smoking, Cancer
Linked: New Study
floy to score fkee cookies
ALBANY, NY (REUTERS)
Along term study of the effects of
smoking commissioned by the
AMA in  1954 recently released
their stunning conclusions.
"All evidence that we gathered over the
past 45 years would lead us to the conclusion that smoking more than three
packs of cigarettes can be a contributing
factor to the development of lung cancer," stated Dr. Randal Lennon, head
researcher on the team.
The study followed 40,000 Caucasian
Americans from the age of 15 through
60. Of those studied, approximately
21,000 smoked three packs of cigarettes
a day, and in some cases more.
"21,182 of our subjects are what we
would consider a typical heavy smoker.
All of these subjects have since died.
20,071 developed terminal lung cancer,
1,010 developed terminal throat and/or
tongue cancer, and one was run over by
a double-decker bus while pausing to
light up in the middle of a crosswalk."
While every smoker in the study died,
almost 80% of the non-smokers are still
alive.
"3,763 of the non-smoking subjects
have died," stated Lennon, "1,921 died
of heart disease, 1,813 died of various
forms of cancer and 29 were run over by
buses of various configurations."
The scientific community has applauded the extensive and thorough research
of Lennon's team. "Now we can use Dr.
Lennon's skills to study the long-term
effects of drinking boiling water!" stated
an excited AMA board member.
The American Tobacco Industry is lobbying to require that all cigarette be
labelled with warnings about the
increased risk of heart disease and being
run over by buses should consumers
choose not to smoke. PAGE TWO
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22 SEPTEMBER 1999
Volume Thirteen
Issue Two
22 September 1999
Editor
John Hallett
hallett@cs.ubc.ca
Copy Editor
Bree Baxter
bmonique@interchange.ubc.ca
Assistant Editors
Andy Martin
spacemoose@bc.sympatico.ca
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Contributors
Bree Baxter
Keri Gammon
Jay Garcia
Miss Jenn Gardy
John Hallett
Andy Martin
D. Myles McHugh
Sara Stamm
Jeff Steinbok
Reka Sztopa
Laura Yang
Legal Information
The 432 is published fortnightly from
our dank, dark hole in the basement of
the Chemistry Building where we toil
endlessly without food or pay (three
more payments and it's ours!). The 432
is the official publication of the Science Undergraduate Society, but does
not represent the views or opinions of
the Science Undergraduate Society. Go
figure.
All views in this issue are strictly those
of the individual writers, and as such
are not the responsibility of The 432.
In fact, anyone who adopts our writer's
opinions, or shares similar beliefs with
them, should consider seeking medical
help.
Writers and cartoonists from each and
every faculty are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions
must meet the strict requirements of
making the editor chuckle thrice upon
first reading, and contain the author's
name and contact information.
No rabbits were harmed in the production of this issue. Except for the
one we used for the pregnancy test.
And the two that ate the food we
threw out of the fridge. Then there
were the sixteen that died in the fire
we lit Friday. Oh yeah, and the twenty
(or so) that I ran over on the way over
here. But other than those few, we didn't harm any, yet.
Milk and Frogs Legs
Keri Gammon
Dancing Queen
F
riends are people who solve your
problems.
It was around dinner time, and I was
evaluating the merits of grocery shopping vs. those of doing some reading for
class this week. Just when I thought I
would never reach a decision, I received
some help.
Ring. (That was my phone.)
"Hi Keri, it's Bree [our feisty Director of
Publications]. I need an article by 11 P.M.,
so sit your ass down and pump one out.
And if you don't, you lazy *%A&$, I'll
write one myself about that little display
you put on at the Pit last Wednesday
with those three engineers and the
chocolate pudding."
"But Bree, for goodness sakes! There was
no display, and DEFINITELY no engineer," came my confused reply. My
word, it upsets me when people use such
aggressive tactics. Bree knew as well as
everyone that I spent Wednesday night
locked up in council chambers for an
AMS meeting. For heaven's sake, she was
right there with me, listening to the load
of sanctimonious horse manure.
"Gee Keri, that sounds so believable.
You just keep up that story when everyone and their dog is reading about your
little Pit escapades."
Click. {That was Bree hanging up on me.)
See what I mean?. There I was, with
unresolved issues regarding my plans for
the evening, and Bree stepped in and
made my decision for me. Friendship is a
lovely thing.
So my mind should really be on writing
a half-decent article for this paper, but
all I can think about is what I should
have been doing with my night. I'm kind
of worried about not having milk for my
cereal tomorrow, and even more concerned about not having milk for my
after-school date with said-dairy product
and cookies. But then again, the cookies
are also missing from that equation. My
selection of produce is dwindling and I
need more cheese. I need more pasta
sauce because the brand I bought last
time was completely unacceptable. I
think I'm out of eggs too. Hey that
reminds me - is it true that you can leave
eggs unrefrigerated? A friend of mine
told me that, but I don't know if I can
believe it. First, this friend only recently
moved out on his own, so what does he
know about groceries? This guy also
thinks that a candlelight dinner should
include, above all else (including a date),
Pizza Pops. I'm also thinking that maybe
he just wants me to get really sick so I
forget about the money he owes me. No,
wait, I owe him money. Ok, but the first
two reasons still stand as to why I
shouldn't trust his kitchen advice.
Speaking of kitchens, something that
was kind of funny, kind of quirky, happened the other night. One of my roommates was making guacamole and she
nearly lost her entire index finger in a
mishap with a big, shiny knife. To be
fair, I should say that it was funny only
after we realized she would be O.K. It
was definitely not funny when I was
mopping up her blood from the kitchen
floor. The hospital was not very funny
either, because the only magazine to
read was "Ladies Home Journal" from
November,   1989.     Thinking about it
Editorial.
now, I guess the only funny part was the
fact that she jumped right back into her
guacamole as soon as we got home from
the hospital. What a trooper. She loves
her guacamole.
But allow me to get back to my internal
debate as to what needs to be done
tonight. As for.my studies, well, I just
hope that a night off won't hurt my
chances at Med School. (If you don't
know me already, this is where you learn
that Keri has no intentions of going into
Medicine and has very little tolerance for
most of those that do.) But I should be
reading a bit of genetics, and shit, I guess
I should also look over my physiology
lab that I'm scheduled to do tomorrow.
Hold on, I'm going to read my lab but I'll
be back.
Damn it, I have to pith a frog tomorrow. And then, I have to strip the skin of
its tiny, froggy leg. Maybe it's for the best
that I have no groceries, because any
food consumed tomorrow might have a
very good chance of making a reappearance, right in the Biology lab. I have no
problem with the ethics of the frog
slaughter for science, but I'm very squeamish (see above story regarding my
bloody kitchen). I admit, I'm a girly-girl.
And my most sincere puh-LEASE! goes
out to any of you who think I just set the
feminist movement back 50 years with
that last comment. I'm really craving
some sweet genetics reading tonight, so
maybe I'll tackle that. Let's have a big
"Giddy up!" for Bio 334. So everyone,
readers of the 432 and not, have a nice
night, and I hope that this article is all
that you had hoped for.
I swear, there was no engineer.
Uh huh. -ed.
John Hallett
Chief Editor. Fear him.
Well, the first awkward week of
school is finally over. You now
known where all of your classes are, how to sneak into The Pit, the
shortest distance from The Pit to your res
room when crawling, and why shooting
ten ounces of tequila after coming home
from the bar is a bad thing.
Now we get to start worrying about
midterms, the various Oktoberfests, and
calling back that cute girl you met at the
bar. Well, at least you thought she was
cute we you were drunk.
Sigh. Oh to be in school again. You may
not realise it now, but these are the most
carefree days of your life. Sure, you don't
have to worry about homework or
midterms once you graduate, but you do
have to go to work in the morning. In
school, you can simply decide that getting out of bed and making your way to
class is a bit too much effort and no one
would notice, anyway.
Anyway, enough of me pining for those
six years that I was an unemployed student. Now we get to the part where I rant
on various topics in no particular order.
AMS Welcome Back BBQ
Every year the AMS decides to put on a
giant, financial black hole of a social
event that is called the Welcome Back
BBQ.
In all the years that I've been at UBC, I
have never once waited in line to get in
(someone always has spare wristbands),
nor have I ever paid for beer. I mean, the
engineers are serving! This goes for everyone I know.
Oh well, the AMS has to do something
for free once in a while.
AUS Bzzr Gardens
The very first week of school saw witness to the very first AUS bzzr garden. I
love these. Sure they serve warm beer at
exorbitant prices ($2/beer is highway
robbery for beer), but no one ever actually pays for the beer, anyway. Add to
that the incredibly liberal security ("I
need ID or $5 to let you in.") and you
have a guaranteed interesting mix of
people to chat with.
The AMS Pot Question
In short, I cannot believe that AMS
council let them get away with this. In
case you don't know, the AMS is adding
a question to the referendum that essentially supports the legalising of pot.
Well, that view is all fine and dandy, but
the AMS really has no business making
such a statement. Why? Because they
have no power to do anything what-so-
ever about the situation. The AMS
adopting a pro-legalisation policy will be
about as useful as the AMS deciding
unamimously that big breasts are nice.
This question is only there to stir up
controversy. In short, this is simply a
publicity stunt aimed at getting enough
people out to vote on the inconsequential pot question that the referendum
makes quorum. By making quorum, the
questions that no one was really paying
attention to (ie lost behind the hoopla of
the pot question) might be forced
through. You know, the thing about the
medical plan that you skimmed over
before voting "Yes" so that you could get
to the pot question, which is why you
came to vote in the first place.
Sigh. Okay, I'm done ranting now. Bastards.
Construction
In case you haven't noticed already, the
road between Hebb Theatre and Hennings has been closed for construction.
This, coincidentally, is the very same
road that leads to the back door of the
SUS.
What are they doing? Fixing some sort
of dangerous gas leak or something. I
don't care! I now have to park way over
by the SUB and walk to the SUS! I say
that we should organise a protest and
force university administration to stop
this frivolous waste of tuition dollars.
Wheel Of Booze!
I don't believe it. Someone actually
went out and constructed a mini-Wheel
of Booze that is now on display in the
SUS lounge (Chem B160, come by and
see).
Congrats go out to Dan Anderson who
went to the effort of constructing this
monument to liver destruction. He has
even promised a full scale model in time
for Oktoberfest (Okt. 22). So we hope to
have the Wheel of Booze option at the
bar that night. 22 SEPTEMBER 1999
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE THREE
Winged Monkeys from Kansas
Bree Baxter
Sasparilla
Perhaps it is early in the year to wax
philosophic about the tediousness
of university, the idiocy of my
acquaintances and colleges, the repeti-
tiveness of the same old whining and
complaining, the inevitability of people
presuming that they are actually allowed
to write the way they speak. Maybe, just
maybe, this year will be different. I may
see a change in the status quo, a chance
to move beyond the past.
Perhaps not.
Every time I think that humanity has
taken a step forward, some story comes
over the newswire that makes me wish
that Homo Sapiens had never diverged
from the chimpanzees. Lord knows there
isn't an awful lot of difference from that
guy named Al who runs the Greasy Gear
Garage and the chimpanzee named Al
who eats lice of his brother's head. Less
than 2% of the genome, if I recall. If
chimpanzees ran the earth, they probably wouldn't have banned the teaching
of evolution in Kansas school. Long-time
readers may have noticed I seem to have
a particular bent for slamming school
boards, particularly of the religious
right-wing type. I don't hate all school
boards, just those that obviously haven't
passed their grade 8 education. And, in
my less-than-humble biologically-educated opinion, any educational body
that has removed all references to evolution in grade K-12 science classes
because, "There is no evidence that evolution is a sound scientific theory,"
should take a refresher course in Earth
History: The First Five Billion Years. Even
an institution such as UBC, financially
troubled as she is, can maintain the seriousness of education and the sanctity of
the scientific process.
Perhaps their sanity was carried away
with the Gale house. Auntie Em! Toto!
The above was a cultural reference. Having grown up in our multimedia society,
I cannot remember a time when I did
not know who Dorothy was, or why she
was in Oz. Darth Vader, to me, wasn't
some smart-ass nine year old, but a big
scary guy in a black respirator. When I
was 4, I watched the movie, "Annie"
four times in a row. I think I drove my
poor mother insane. Even today, with
our technology updates, I'm still' partial
to watching the old classics.
Technology isn't always a good thing.
Granted, people are living longer and
Bored with Frog Disections?
with a better quality of life. But if the
entertainment sucks, what would you do
with that extra time? Whine about the
weather? Since the dawn of cinema, Hollywood has searched for the perfect special effect. King Kong in the 20's, giant
ants overrunning a city in the 50's, Luke
Skywalker's light saber in the '70's,
Pamela Anderson's breasts in the 90's.
Unfortunately, the stunning upturn in
effects hasn't been accompanied by a
stunning upturn in the quality of acting.
I dare each and everyone of you to watch
an old classic (I'll let you choose your
own classic: I'm not that much of a dictator) and then watch one of today's top
ten video rentals. I could watch Robert
DeNiro and Billy Crystal try to kill each
other in what is termed a "comedy", or I
could watch Buffy try to out-skank herself, or Mad Max have a fun little
revenge killing fest. All in all, I can't
believe it's not acting!
I actually began typing this article with
high hopes of talking about musical
stylings. I realize now that I've written
about music in a previous article, or else
I've thought about it so much that it just
seems that way. Either way, I won't talk
about music.
I will talk about my plans for world
domination. Each of us, whether you
admit it or not, wants to rule the world.
Some, like a certain man whose name I
won't mention (but his initials are J. Garcia) have laid out detailed plans of
before, during and after the global coup.
Other, such as myself, just wish that
every moron on the face of this alien-forsaken planet would shut the hell up and
listen to me, because I'm right. I would
actually be a benevolent dictator,
because I'm perfectly happy to let everyone live their own little lives if they
don't interfere with my life, don't try to
tell me what I can do or how I can learn
it, or where I am or am not allowed to be
at 2 o'clock in the morning.
I'm sure there is also a reason there has
never been a female dictator, I just don't
have enough space to go into it right
now.
Sleep well, and remember that spandex
is a privilege, not a right. But then again,
many things fall into that category. Like
strapless bras. And corderoy. And don't
forget about touques. Or those little tiny
umbrellas in tropical drinks. You could
also include a number of other things,
most of them falling into the "I can't
believe it's not clothing!" category. But I
digress. Off to class, boys and girls!
Write for the 432
PATSCAN
Learn how to find great research data in patents!
Sign up for a one-hour PATSCAN tutorial
to improve your patent searching skills!
All hands-on patent searching tutorials are held in the
Sedgewick Teaching computer lab. in the new Koerner
Library,  Room 2 17 on Thursdays at 4:00 PM.
PATSCAN schedule for patent database search training:
Sept. 23: Using the UBC Library version of Lexis Nexis
to search European, Japanese, and US patents.
Sept. 30: Patent-searching workshop for Engineering
and Science Students involved in design
projects using Internet and UBC Library sources.
To reserve a place e-mail rsimmer@interchange.ubc.ca or phone 822-5404
For more info see our website at www.library.ubc.ca/patscan
Running out of paper? Jot down your notes in this special 432 Note-Space!
Wasn't that fun?
SNwm/ettot
W'nted
Are you concerned about the modern world? Do you have
questions or opinions about how this, or any other
newpaper, is run? Do you want to vent your radical yet
righteous world view, but The Ubyssey claims that you
are too "militant?"
Send a letter to the Editor of The 432. We promise to
print your world view unedited and in its entirety.
Write us:
The 432
c/o The Dean of Science
6270 University Blvd.
V6T 1Z4
or e-mail us:
John Hallett - Chief Editor
<hallett@cs.ubc.ca>
Breeonne Baxter - Copy Editor
<bmoaiqae@interchan^e.nbc.ca> PAGE FOUR
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22 SEPTEMBER 1999
Pong and PacMan
\\sf«if Jay Garcia
Sugar Daddy
I am a child of the digital age. Alright,
I may be old enough to remember
when records were popular, stereo
was a new concept, and rotary telephones were still around (anyone really
remember why we use the verb "to dial"
whenever we call people? Or why Washington DC got such nice area codes like
909 and places like Alaska get a 101 area
code? It's all got to do with that rotary
dial), but I'm really a kid in this modern
age. And though I was old enough to
remember when CD's were first hitting
the market (many of you frosh out there
have lived your entire lives under the
tyranny of that digital recording media,
never having heard the warm sounds, or,
for that matter, the occasional pops and
hisses of an eight-track tape or a vinyl
record, nor suffered the heart wrenching
agony of discovering that your tapes
have had their oxidant flake off, or your
records have warped or been scratched),
my heart lies solidly in this new world of
ones and zeroes, largely because of one
extremely popularizing factor: funky-
cool consumer electronics. I recall the
wave of Tamagochi hysteria from a few
years ago. Or, more amazingly, the love-
getty's. These sweet little toys can be set
to three settings: looking for a date, looking for sex, or karaoke (okay, their Japanese; it's not as if I make these things up).
If somebody else with a love-getty has
theirs set to your setting and passes within a certain number of meters from you,
both units beep or hum or vibrate. Heck,
if I wanted a beeping, bleeping, humming, ringing or vibrating piece of consumer technology, I don't have to look
any farther than either a Palm Pilot or a
cell phone ~ preferably one of those
slick, sweet Nokia jobbies (note to corporate sponsors: yes, I can be bought, and
for a low, low price). The best things
about the Pilot are the programs you can
download into it. One of my friends is
currently deep into a session of Drug
Lords; kind of a commodities-exchange
version of Sim City with a criminal bent.
But the best pieces of modern consumer
electronics save, perhaps, for the Hitachi
Magic Wand, of which if you want to
know anything about it, you should ask
either your girlfriend or one of those
girls who works in those glass-booth
fiver-a-peek places in the seedier parts of
Granville Street, are computers. When I
was in my early teens, the top of the line
were the Vic-20's, the Amigas and the
venerable Commodore 64 (and 64 doesn't stand for the bit-architecture either; it
stands for that machines total memory -
- 64k, which, if you listened to Bill Gates
in the late seventies, should be enough
for anybody). I remember when a 40
megabyte hard drive was cavernous. "But
Jon," said I to my computer-acquisitive
friend "what are you going to fill that
thing with?" All sorts of computer technology however, follows Moore's law,
and not just processors. Hard drivers,
RAM, CD and DVD-ROMS, add-in cards
and the like just keep getting cheaper
every six months, and more and more
programmers are writing programs
which use and abuse all that extra capacity. I recall watching my buddy Orion
play Wizard of Wor on his little dinky
machine, with its bad tv/antenna-con-
nector output and marveling at the
beauty of a really blocky screen full of
jerkily-moving pixels, in sixteen magnificent colors. These days, if a games doesn't display at least at 16 bits-per-pixel
depth at least 800 x 600, or come with
3D acceleration, then I'm probably not
playing it. Of course, this is often said
about the 3D-shooting genre, where cus
tomer satisfaction is measured in terms
of "with what kind of cool toys can I use
to blow up the other guy?" and "when
the other guy gets hit, does he splatter?"
Fun as these games are (and, yes, I'm an
addict... I went to a tournament for these
kind of games last summer, and when
one of the best of the new breed of
games came out last Saturday, I was
online and downloading, and then online and fragging the other bastards who
were also on-line and fragging to their
hearts content. I started on Saturday
evening, sometime after 11:00pm. Next I
looked up, it was six in the morning),
these games really don't hold up well
compared to the classics. Tetris is a simple game in comparison to Quake, but
Tetris holds the greater addictivity value.
The same is true for almost all of the best
games of the early eighties. Asteroids,
Pac Man and the like still hold me under
their spell.
Then again, I am a hapless techno-wee-
nie. I blame it all on my high speed connection to the net. Those of you living in
Res or who have xDSL or cable modems,
you know whereof I speak. It starts off
innocently; as at first, you're just pleased
to be getting your webpages faster. Next
thing you know, you're downloading
hundreds of megabytes of utter crap on
to your hard drive just because you can.
Then you do something rash like setting
up an FTP server for movies and music,
and the next thing you know, people are
uploading all sorts of unsettling or
annoying files so they can meet the ratio
and download the hundreds of megs of
other crap that you never got around to
deleting. Normally, this wouldn't be a
bad thing, but I have my mp3 player set
to randomly play a song from my
archives to wake me up in the morning.
Naturally, it would have to be one of the
three or four recent uploads of obscenely humorous 1980's rap. It's somewhat
unsettling to wake up to the tune of "Me
So Horny" by 2 Live Crew, followed up
by a segue into Sir Mixalot's magnum
opus, "Baby Got Back"; "I like big butts
and I cannot lie / you other brother's
can't deny / when a little bitty thing
walks in with a round thing in your face
/ you get sprung". Classic, truly, truly
classic stuff. It's almost as bad as being
woken up when my computer's tv-tuner
activates to Much Music sometime
around eight o'clock, and it's playing
French Kiss. Perhaps the only thing
more unnerving to wake up to than
obscenely humorous eighties rap would
have to be French rap. And, because my
computer doesn't have a remote control,
I have to stumble out of bed to find the
keyboard and turn the damn thing off.
Hapless techno-weenie? Me? No kidding.
I always have to laugh whenever anyone tells me that a computer is a time-
saving device, because, what it really is a
one of the best methods of wasting time
whilst maintaining sonie semblance of
productivity. Idaho and Montana both
had to pass legislation allowing managers to remove and ban games from
their office computers, because of the
sheer number of man-hours lost to
minesweeper or solitaire. Many's the
time I've taken a break from writing an
essay or working on a project to play
some violent blast-em-up, only to look
up and realize that my "fifteen minute
break" has blossomed into a four-hour
procrastination-fest.
It's enough to make me long for the
good old days of Pong, rotary-phones
and vinyl records. Oops, gotta run; I've
got a scheduled on-line deathmatch in
fifteen minutes.
Don't do this at home!!
Visit the SUS Website! Please!
http://www.ams.ubc.ca./sus
The 432's Home Terrorist Tip #1
Mail bombs are extremely dangerous when incorrectly assembled. A good method to ensure your safety and that the bomb will
only explode on delivery is to place a piece of cardboard
between your contacts and tape the cardboard to the lid of the
package. When the recipient opens the box, the cardboard is
removed and the contacts close and Boom!
The 432's Home Terrorist Tip #2
You can enhance the effectiveness of pipe bombs by duct taping
large numbers of nails around the outside. The nails, when propelled by the explosion, will act like deadly shrapnal.
The 432's Home Terrorist Tip #3
Mixing plastic, heavy duty motor oil and gasoline produces a
naplam-like substance that not only burns hotter and slower than
normal gasoline, but sticks to whatever you throw it on!
The 432's Home Terrorist Tip #4
Bombing buildings is becoming increasingly difficult. To make just
as powerful a political statement, replace the oxygen gas contain
ers on a building's environmental control system with containers
filled with carbon monoxide. Since carbon monoxide is both
tasteless and odourless, your victims will not realize that they are
in danger until their co-workers begin to pass out. After 30 minutes, pull the fire alarm to prevent weary business workers from
using the elevators-their only possible means of escape!
Don't do this at home!! 22 SEPTEMBER 1999
TUE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE FIVE
Dead Pool IV:
The Update
Dead Pool IV
Entry Sheet
>,  The Reaper
Sister Soul
Once more, we have information
on Dead Pool IV. There are apparently a few things I forgot to
mention in the last issue, things that
might be benificial to the completion of
your Dead Pool entry.
Firstly, you must bring your completed
form into SUS, Chemistry B160, by
October 1st, in order to qualify. Of
course, you are allowed to hand your
form in after October 1st, but you're not
going to get any points for anyone on
your list who has died. That is called
cheating, and cheaters die young.
Second, you are not allowed to list generalities. An example would be an entry
that reads, "Mafia Turncoats", or "Lemmings."
You entry form must be placed into the
blue ballot box on the table in SUS. I will
not be hunting out stray forms on the
last date.
If anyone has any questions, email
bmonique@interchange.ubc.ca
Earn big $$!       Work Qn|y 45 minutes ^^ week!
Unlimited income potential!
Earn up to $20,000 monthly!
Vancouver-based drug running
companies are looking for
motivated individuals who can
run fast and keep a straight face.
Start a new life with an
exciting career in the
dymanic field of
drug smuggling!
Your name:
Your email address:
Yourjpjione number:
~'"~"^<Vour entries:
Box l
The 4th Annual S.U.S. Hockey Pool
□ JJagr
Pit
□ T.Selanne
Ana
□ E.Lindros
Phi
□ P.Kariya
Ana
□ J.Sakic
Col
D P.Forsberg
Col
D T.Fleury
Nyr
Box 2
□ J.LeClair
Phi
□ M.Modano Dal
□ Z.Palffy
LA
□ P.Demitra
Stl
□ M.Sundin
Tor
□ P.Turgeon
Stl
□ P.Bondra
Wsh
Box 3
CD S.Yzerman
Det
□ M.Recchi .
Phi
□ KTkachuk
Phx
L1 T.Amonte
Chi
1—1 S.Fedorov
Det
□ A. Yashin
Ott
□ J.Allison
Bos
Box 4
□ B.Hull
Dal
□ S.Thomas
Tor
□ M.Straka
Pit
D J.Roenick
Phx
i—1 M.Naslund
Van
L-I M.Messier
Van
E M.Satan
Buf
Box 5
□ R.Reichel
Phx
□ D.Khristich F/A
□ B.Guerin
Edm
□ K.Primeau
Car
□ P.Sykora
NJ
□ A.Oates
Was
□ S.Samsono\
I Bos
Box 6
□ B.Shanahan Det
□ R.Whitney
Fla
□ L.Robitaille
LA
l~l A.Graves
NYR
□ D.Alfredsson Ott
□ M.Johnson
Tor
□ M.Grosek
Buf
Box 7
□ G.Roberts
Car
□ O.Kvasha
Fla
□ T.Linden
Mtl
□ C.Ronning
Nsh
□ A.Cassels
Van
□ V.Bure
Cgy
r~l P.Marleau
SJ
Box 8
□ C.Lapointe
NYI
□ B.Rolston
NJ
□ M.Hossa
Ott
□ R.Ferraro
Atl
□ R.Murray
Edm
□ T.Donato
Ana
CU I.Korolev
Tor
Box
9
□ D.Drake
Phx
□ M.Sturm
SJ
□
D.Langkow
Phi
□
C.Conroy
Stl
□ B.Morrison NJ
□
A.Korolyuk SJ
□
S.Walker
Nsh
Box 10
□ R.Bourque
Bos
□ A.MacInnis Stl
f~l F.Olausson
Ana
□ N.Lidstrom Det
□ S.Zubov
Dal
□ B.Leetch
NYR
□ D.Sydor
Dal
Box 11
□ L.Murphy
Det
□ B.Mironov
Chi
□ M.Ohlund
Van
Pi S.Niedermayer NJ
□ E.Desjardins
Phi
□ C.Pronger
Stl
n R.Blake
LA
Box 12
□ K.Hatcher
Pgh
□ D.McGillis Phi
□ R.Svehla
Fla
□ J.Lumme
Phx
□ A.Aucoin
Van
f~~l O.Tverdovsky Ana
□ W.Redden
Ott
Box 13
□ N.Pratt
Car
□ A.Foote
Col
f~l A.Zyuzin
TB
□ K.Jonsson
NYI
□ K.McLaren Bos
□ J.Bouchard
Nas
□ G.Suter
SJ
Box 14
V~\ M.Balmochnykh Ana
□ P.Stefan
Atl
□ J.Hlavac
NYR
□ S.Kariya
Van
□ S.Gomez
NJ
□ JKrog
NYI
□ B.Stuart
SJ
Hockey Pool Updates will
be posted in the stairwell
of the Chem Bldg, as well
as updates by e-mail and
internet.
Name	
Phone #
E-Mail
Rules: Select one(l) player from each box.
The contestant with the most total points
(goals + assists) will be the winner, 'miff said!
Prizes: 1st place: 60% of pool plus...
a replica Hockey Jersey of your choice!!
2nd place: 30%   3rd place: 10%
No trades allowed.
Deadline: Friday Oct. 1st at 4:32 pm.
Drop entry forms into box in SUS (Chem B160).
Contact Aarne at <aame@interchange.ubc.ca>
for more info, or drop by SUS and see Sara.
Entry Fee: $5.00!!!!!
Tiebreaker(in case of tie):How many games
will the Canucks win this year?      	 PAGE SIX
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22 SEPTEMBER 1999
The Legends of UBC
Legend: There exists an almost magical
"Master of Masters" Key that opens every
door on campus, from the gates of Thunderbird Stadium to your closet in Totem.
Story: During his "Reign of Terror," former UBC President 'Diamond' Dave
Strangway comissioned a locksmith to
reform the locks of all UBC buildings.
The result is the master system. Each
portion of campus has a letter assigned
to it (Chemistry is in the 'D' zone, for
instance). Every door in each portion
can be opened by a single, master key.
The legend holds that there exists one
"Master of Masters Key," that opens every
door on campus. It is supposedly kept in
a safe in Martha Piper's office, but has
not seen use since Strangway's day.
Myth or Fact: This legend is probably
false. The master system was designed so
that one ring of keys could open almost
every door on campus, not one key.
Besides, having a single key act as the
master for thousands upon thousands of
varients would be virtually impossible.
However, Martha Piper does have the
ring of master keys, so watch out.
Legend: A network of tunnels populated by scolding hot steam criss-cross campus just below the surface. Students have
been known to decend into this abyss
and never emerge.
Story: UBC is the last network of buildings in the world that relies on steam for
heat. Steam is generated in a building
behind Angus and the Klink (formerly
Computer Science) and piped all over
campus to heat water. This system is stupidly inefficent and results in long hot
water outages in the various residences.
Myth or Fact: Definately a fact. Steam
Tunnels are known to everyone, but traversed by only a few (including David
Duchovny and Gillian Anderson in an
episode of the X-Files). Contrary to
belief, there is little scalding steam in the
tunnels and almost no pipes are hot
enough to burn you. However, it is relatively easy to get lost and wander for
hours (but you always get out).
Entrances to the steam tunnels are all
over campus (man-hole covers, usually
locked with a simply padlock-bring lock
cutter). Secluded ones include: In the triangle of bushes between the Chem/Phys
buildings and the Bookstore parking lot,
just off of the path between Woodword
and Pysio (by the stairs), and the main
steam tunnel entrance between Kenny
and Social Work.
Legend: You can get free money from
various organizations just by asking for
it.
Story: Your tuition is secretly divided
into literary thousands of tiny little inefficient packages. These packages include
stuff like The 432, bzzr gardens, and
drafting up an official policy of how all
UBC students feel about East Timor.
Some of these portions are refundable if
you would only ask about it. Go to the
Ubyssey office, tell them they suck, and
demand $5 back. You get $5. Go to the
SRC, tell them to piss off, and ask for $40
back. You get $40. Go to the AMS office
in SUB, defacate on the carpet, and ask
for your $450 back or you'll start burning things. This might not work, but
then again, it might.
Myth or Fact: True. Do it. We do. Some
undergraduate societies are even willing
to return your membership fee, provided
that you do not partake of any of the services they offer.
Legend: It is possible to sneak into
many of the big concerts that occur in
the SUB.
Story: So many concerts go on at SUB
during the year...who can afford them
all? Wait in the loading bay the day of
the concert you absolutely have to go to.
Wait for a loading truck and grab a pack
of napkins or something else really light.
Pick it up and follow someone who looks
like they know what they're doing. A few
corridors and an elevator later, you're in
the Ballroom for free. Do the same afterwards to talk to the band.
Myth or Fact: This is also true. You'd be
amazed where you can get and how
much free beer you can drink simply by
acting like you know what you're doing.
Legend: Campus is private property
after nightfall.
Story: Strange laws apply to land granted to Universities by the Crown.
Amoung these is the fact that campus is
considered privately owned after nightfall. Private land law allows things like
underage drivers, open liquor and all
sorts of fun that the government won't
let you do in public.
Myth or Fact: This legend is rooted in
fact. However, the University still owns
the land and can call in the RCMP to
enforce open liquor laws, so don't push
your luck.
Legend: UBC has a full scale wind tunnel in one of the Applied Science buildings.
Story: In one of the engineering buildings, there is said to be a full sized wind
tunnel, just like in the movies.^Bring a
kite! Test the aerodynamciticies of a cow
stolen from the Aggies! Lock an irritating
frosh in and turn the red, shiny dial to
'10'!
Myth or Fact: True. The wind tunnel
resides in CEME. It is in theory considered off limits after 5pm and on weekends...in theory.
Legend: Sororities do not have houses
on campus because the first sorority,
Science Council Elections
POSITIONS AVAILABLE:
Two First Year Reps
Four General Officers
Once Science-One Rep
One rep from each department: Biology, Chemistry. Computer Science. Gen
eral Science, Geography (Science),
Earth and Ocean Sciences. Geophysics,
Astronomy. Mathematics and Statistics.
Microbiology and  Immunology.  Phar
macology and Physiology. Physics, and
Psychology (science)
Nomination forms available below, or
in the SUS office (Chem B160).
Alpha Tau Ceti, began to operate an
informal brothel.
Story: Alpha Tau Ceti resided in a club
house on the corner of Western Parkway
and Toronto Road that was comprised of
mostly bedrooms. After it became
known that some of the more "liberal"
girls would accept presents of beer in
exchange for sexual favours, a senior
decided to organize their efforts. The
operation was busted by the RCMP and
the house remains vacant to this day.
Myth or Fact: This is complete myth,
who comes up with this drivel? There
has never been a sorority house on campus because of an old bylaw that views
more that six females living under one
roof as a brothel. The empty frat house
at W. Parkway and Toronto is just the
remains of chapter that lost its license
after a particularily rowdy party. UBC
hasn't leased the building to a new fraternity because it wants to keep control
of the area. Surprisingly, the brothel law
was repealed last year, but sororities now
have to deal with the same people that
won't re-lease the empty building for
fears of uncontrolled parties.
Legend: On a cold, stormy night, several science students buried a keg before
Arts Couty Fair, and reaped the rewards
during the Fair
Story: Beer is expensive and requires
waiting in long lines during the largest
outdoor alcoholic festival in Canada.
Seven science students found the ultimate plan to get around these barriers
and made sure that the alcohol was free
and readily accessable to all by digging a
pit on the hill in Thunderbird Stadium
in the middle of the cold night and
depositing a keg inside. Flat beer was
enjoyed by all Science students during
the entire concert.
Myth or Fact: True. In recent history,
few accomplishments are revered as the
successful keg burying at A.C.F....for the
greater good.
Watch for The Legends of UBC: Part II
in the next issue! 22 SEPTEMBER 1999
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
PAGE SEVEN
The Sock Drawers of SUS
Secretary
Keri Gammon
Hi kids. This is Keri Gammon, your
friendly Science Secretary, telling
you all to forget about school
for another couple of weeks and
dammit, go have some fun. I will fill the
rest of my exec report with prophetic
advice for everyone, because really, what
can a secretary really report? Oh, other
than this: if Club reps continue to give
such lengthy reports at Council meetings, I may have to get unpleasant. Last
meeting, Craig turned it over to Club
reps and warped us all into the friggin'
Neverending Story. No, I'm being a
bitch. Really, it's cool that the SUS clubs
are so active so early in the year, it's just
a pain in the rump to get everything
written down. Now on with the advice...
-First, if you didn't make it to the AMS
Welcome Back BBQ, then host your own
this weekend. Oh, and invite me, as I
didn't make it either. I like steak, good
ol' Canadian Blue, and if you could get
the Tragically Hip, then I guess that
would be ok.
-Next - if you're a first year and your
first two weeks in Science have been less
than great, PLEASE don't transfer to the
Arts. Science gets better, really. Well
actually, it might not...but becoming an
Artsie will only give your friends more
reason to make fun of you. And as if that
spectacle last Friday night wasn't
enough...what were you thinking?
-Third please vote in the upcoming AMS
Finance
Jeff Steinbok
Hideho, and welcome to Jeff's biweekly ramble. The SUS budget
for 1999-2000 was presented to
council this past Thursday (September
16). If you would like to comment on it,
feel free to come by the SUS office and
Sports
Sara Stamm
Hello again, boys and girls. This is
your lovely sports rep coming to
you   from   the   impenetrable
depths of my dazed mind.
So, what is new with sports? Well, let
me tell you, there's plenty. First of all,
hockey pool forms are out, you can all
register. Just take your entry form from
this paper, or from my mailbox in SUS,
or from the folders on the bulletin
boards outside of SUS. The fee for entry
is 5$, without which your form will-
automatically be disqualified. It's worth
the money though, because first, second,
and third places have prizes! You can
hand in your form in the box provided
in SUS. Give it a whirl guys, it's fun, fun,
fun!
Publications
Bree Baxter
I would like to take this small block of
space to ask each and every one of
you to write for the 432. Our next
deadline is Wednesday, September 29th
at 4:32pm. No, I don't mean Sunday at
midnight. I don't even mean Friday after
the fact. I mean Wednesday. Please don't
reefer..er, um..referendum. And just in
case you need some help, I will give you
your opinion. Vote for the health plan,
because we need drugs (prescription
drugs, that is) and clean, shiny teeth.
You can always opt out if you have
equivalent coverage, so just vote "yes".
Number two deals with a small increase
to your AMS fees to provide us with
improved Safewalk, Speakeasy counseling, JobLink, etc. Of course, you think
these services are very necessary to the
safety and well-being of yourself and
your fellow students, so you're voting
"yes". And you think that the question
"should marijuana be legalized" and the
ensuing bullets of blatant stupidity are
absolutely ludicrous topics for a student
society to tackle, so of course you will be
voting "no" to that ridiculous question.
- Participate in SHINERAMA this weekend. Get together some friends, meet in
the Totem Park Ballroom at 8am on Saturday, and go shine some shoes for Cystic Fibrosis. It's an excellent cause, and I
will be there - who could ask for anything more?
- Finally, if you haven't stopped by
Chem B160 to see the Science Undergrad
Society office, please do so. There are lots
of toys (and execs) to play with, cheap
pop, a photocopier, a phone for your
use, computers, couches and a
microwave. We'd like to meet you, and
believe me, you want to meet us. So
come on over.
Well that's it. And remember - only 14
weeks until Christmas.
grab a copy off me and make any comments you'd like. Other than that, all I
can really say is that we have money;
this is a good thing. Since I have nothing
more to add, I'd like to make a shameless
plug for the SUS website and newsgroup.
John, is that ok with you? For information on SUS and what we're up to these
days, check out the newsgroup at ubc.sus
and also our very own, cool website at
http://www.ams.ubc.ca/sus.
Last year's winners are as follows: T. Ellis
won First Place! In second place was T.
Caftro, and in third place was Amanda
H. Make sure you are eligible for next
year's winning circle!
Also, there are registration forms in SUS
and SRC gym for more than 10 intramurals sports teams/leagues. If you are in
sciences, and if you are at all involved or
interested in playing any sports this year,
intramurals is for you. It's really easy to
sign up, and you can get 50% or more of
your entry fees rebated to you at the end
of the year.
Did you know that Science Undergrad
Society was third over all for accumulative points in intramurals last year?
That's purty darn good, and the way to
win is to have MORE teams. Everyone of
you should join. Come to SUS to grab
your forms, and if you have any questions, I'll try to be around for you to ask.
Intramurals Rules!
make me write the whole paper by
myself. I get tired and cranky.
On the upside, I have a plant in my
room now, that glows purple when there
is light outside. It makes me happy. I
also saw a bunny rabbit over by Bucha-
nen last Monday. It hopped around and
looked for food. I had to go to class, so I
couldn't see what the bunny did next.
I've filled this chunk of space. Ribbit.
SoCo
Jenn Gardy
Welcome to the first Social
report of the year. We had our
first event on Wednesday,
Sept. 8th, and those of you that have
been following my column will have
been pleased to note that I finally found
a cool new name for the beer garden,
after spending mdst of the summer trying to think of something better than
"The Second Class Bash". In honour of
my good friend Paddy Walsh, esteemed
lead singer from Montreal ska band The
Kingpins and drunkard extraordinaire,
the Second Class Bash is now the Happy
Birthday Paddy Walsh Bzzr Garden. Of
course this can only be used if the first
Wednesday of class happens to be Sept.
8th but it all worked out this year so la la
la.
Anyway, the whole thing went pretty
well. The liquid refreshment was fright-
eningly late in arriving, but it was given
to us at NO COST WHATSOEVER in lieu,
and I, socialist that I am, passed the savings  on  to  *you*  and  we had  the
Internal Vice
Reka Sztopa
Well, it's been a tough two weeks
prying ourselves away from
summer and getting back into
the groove of things, but I hope that all
of you have survived your hectic intro or
welcome back to UBC and are well on
your way to a successful year.
On Friday, September 10th, SUS ran a
very successful First Year BBQ, giving out
free burgers and pop to frosh and charging only $2 for everyone else. We had
over 300 people over the course of the
event which was great!
Our first FYC (First Year Committee)
ABSOLUTELY FREE ALL YOU CAN
DRINK. Paddy would be so proud. Don't
you wish you were there instead of
standing in the Pit Night lineup for 6
hours? I thought so. Even mopping up
the next day was pretty easy, and this
year's Golden Mop goes to Jay Garcia for
his help on Thursday morning. Yay Jay!
I would normally use this space to talk
about upcoming Social events but I can't
really remember any of them so I'll say
this: we have some cool stuff coming up
this year - we're going to do a few events
with the AUS, we'll have a cool band of
some sort for Science Week, and this year
I'm going to stop having bands at bzzr
gardens and instead have really really
really cheap bzzr. Oktoberfest is coming
up sometime in, er, October, (I just
checked my booking sheet and it tells
me Friday Oct. 22nd) and I'm aiming'for
a $5 all you can drink sort of thing in the
SUB partyroom. If anyone has lederho-
sen, start airing them out now so they'll
be ready. Anyway, if you have any ideas
for events, if you want to help out, or if
you want to send me money, you can
reach me at missjenn@home.com
meeting was on Wednesday, September
14th for everyone still interested in helping to make a first year as a science student at UBC a blast. If you are still interested in joining FYC or would like some
more info, please email me at
rsztopa@interchange.ubc.ca.
Other than that, please find enclosed in
this issue of the 432 a nomination form
for Science Council Elections. There are
many positions available (please see the
ad on page 6 of this issue). I encourage
all of you to consider running or nominating a friend.
Have a wonderful next two weeks, and
remember not to let summer go. If we all
believe, it might just hang around for a
couple of more weeks.
Join the Dean's Team
http://www.science.ubc.ca/ambassador.htm PAGE EIGHT
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
22 SEPTEMBER 1999
I Give It Up for the Wookie
Andy Martin
L
Not Chewbacca, Really!
ights. Camera. Aaaaaaand...
Our chipper heroes, Andy and Dave,
arrive at the gates to the Fortress of Solitude (a.k.a. Silvercity Riverport) at 5:45
Tuesday afternoon. It is overcast. They
were tenth in Line for tickets to the most
anticipated movie of all time: Star Wars,
Episode I. Their mission: To liberate 48
of these tickets for 'The People', specifically the 48 people who were willing to
actually pay Andy and Dave, in the form
of a light-saber, to stand in this Line for
them.
The Line had started at one o'clock that
afternoon, with one lone woman (yes,
there were females in the Line, proving
once again that geekiness knows no gender) starting a movement that would
number over 360 desperate, lonely people at its peak, a massive queue of
humanity that seemed to scream to the
world, "At least we're not Star Trek
freaks!"
Fueled by a single Big Mac and a foot of
meatball sub (and the case of Okanagen
Springs Pale Ale, carefully hidden from
the theatre owners, police and the one
sober picketing projectionist), our heroes
settled down for the long wait ahead.
Lady Luck smiled upon the two, as they
were the last to be under cover when the
torrential thunder storm struck. God was
vengeful. It seemed as though He was
saying, "You bastards never Line up like
this for church, so take this up the ass!"
Rations were dropped around eight
o'clock in the form of Kentucky Fried
Free Chicken, Pepsi, macaroni salad, and
, most important of all, the wetnaps.
Opinions varied as to which of the four
was the least edible.
Boredom was forestalled by various
attempts at entertainment, consisting of
an Obi-Wan Kenobi action figure, a deck
of cards that was missing the nine of diamonds, and Andy's half-sober attempt
at playing the Imperial March on his guitar. Fortunately, the crowd was more
than willing to provide entertainment.
There were the high school girls, pleasant both to look at and to speak with,
and who spent a few hours comparing
difficulty of math homework with the
third year chemical engineer. Close
behind them was the loser who had
come to the Line with the goal of scoring, despite the Line's 20:1 sex ratio.
Here is a sample of his classic come-on
line repertoire: "I love math problems"
and "Are you kidding, I'm the Monopoly
King! I actually have a crown in my
room."
Well, his Highness, nicely ruined the
game of Star Wars Monopoly that the
girls broke out by spilling his beer all
over it before anybody had a chance to
pass GO. Not only did he ruin his
chance with the girls, he also lost any
chance to prove that he really was the
Monopoly King. The board and community chest were soaked, and my Han Solo
piece (Shut up, Han kicks ass) had only
bought Dagobah Swamp and spent a day
in Imperial prison. The final insult was
the beer that had harmed the board:
Kokanee. Despite this embarrassing setback, the loser didn't stop hitting on the
girls. He finally ran out of steam around
6 am and fell asleep, until 8 am when he
was awoken by a large stray dog licking
Despite the destruction of the Monopoly game, another group was kind
enough to bring a game of Star Wars
Trivial Pursuit. Dave took part with reckless abandon, coming oh-so-close to victory, laughing everytime somebody
missed an obvious question, like "This
vehicle can do the Kessel run in twelve
parsects." "Ummm... The Landspeeder?"
By the time the game was over, the
Episode I Rave was in full swing. Yessiree,
there were twelve DJs, a grand total of
three people dancing and one fuck of an
irritation to everyone in the Line who
was trying to sleep. The cops were called
three times. The first time, they told
them to keep the volume under control.
The second time, they told them to shut
it down, in order to stop the light saber
and telekinetic throat-crushing threats
from the Line. Sound off, cops leave.
Sound comes back on, Dave hits re-dial,
the cops come again, and rave over.
Of course, we can't forget Alex and
Scott's lovely visit, during which they
brought donuts and caffeine. Scott and
Dave taught me to play Bridge (which I
have now forgotten, just like every card
game I have ever learned). Anna is also
credited as being (I think) the only one
of the forty-plus selfish bastards for
whom we were buying tickets to phone
us in support. Okay, I recant the selfish
bit, they did buy me a light saber for my
night's work. The bastards bit stands.
The sun came up. Nothing much happened until Jay and another Alex
arrived, followed closely by Jeff and
Kate. At long last, the doors opened.
Andy, Dave, Jeff and Kate bounced in
and happily handed over $117 Canadian
for a bunch of silly pink and white paper
bits with the words "Star Wars-No
Refunds" printed in big letters on them,
then walking out yelling various obnoxious phrases to the 350 people behind
them in Line while each waving the
dozen parsimonious patches of pinkish
parchment worth so much to so many.
Meanwhile, an interesting debate came
up over the fact that there were no girl
jedis.
M: There's no girl jedis! End of story.
F: Anything a guy can do, a girl can do
just as well
M: But can you imagine PMS and the
force combined? Christ!
F: Yeah, the telekinetic testicle-crunch.
M: You'd never be any good, you'd have
to stop protecting the universe to have
babies and cry with your girlfriends over
chamomile tea and crap like that.
F: Well, all the jedis are gay anyways.
Notice that Obi-Wan and Yoda lived
alone. And the only girl Luke was
attracted to was his own sister, now
that's a disturbed little boy. And now
Jake Lloyd is supposed to bang a woman
twice his age. Even when they get it
right, they get it wrong.
M: Well, there's only one way to settle
this. <Bonk> as M. cracks F. over the
head with his light saber toy and starts
running.
Soon enough, Andy and Dave went
home. Andy stumbled to bed, to dream
the exact same things he dreamed fifteen
years ago (except with more sex this
time). Dave went home to do more organizing, and would not have a chance to
sleep until later that night.
Lights dim.
-Fin-
Note: Please don't email me corrections
to Star Wars facts and logic based on
those damn books. They suck and aren't
real Star Wars stuff anyway. Instead,
throw out those Magic: the Gathering
cards you use to wage fake battles in
some crusty haired, pimply faced geek's
parent's basement, rip down the Poke-
mon identification key from above your
bed and get a fucking life.
SCIENCE
UBC
Science Student Forum
on the Draft Academic Plan
12:30 pm-2:30 pm
Thursday, September 23rd, 1999
SUB Theatre
The Faculty of Science and the Science Undergraduate Society invite you to join
Dean Maria Klawe, members of the Academic Plan Advisory Committee, and
student and faculty panelists for a discussion on the Draft Academic Plan.
Take this opportunity to have a say in your own future, the future of the Faculty
of Science and the future of UBC!
Copies of the Academic Plan are available at http://www.oldadmin.ubc.ca/apac/
or
Pick up a copy at the Dean's Office, Biological Sciences Building, Room 1505
Co-sponsored by the Faculty of Science and SUS

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