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The 432 Oct 18, 2005

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Array VOLUME NINETEEN ISSUE THREE
18th October 2005
"I don't like it, and I'm sorry I ever had anything to do with it.
-Erwin Schrodinger talking about quantum mechanics
Prof Calf-Roping in 2006   Love Machine Released
Cost of Premium Silk Rope
After years of planning and
negotiation, the Science
Undergraduate Society
has been granted rights to sponsor
an annual Science Professor Calf-
Roping Hunt. All UBC professors
are eligible bait and every Science
student will have lassos at their
disposal. The aim? To catch as
many professors as possible!
The tournament has tentatively
been set for the last day of final
exams this coming December. At
10 pm on December 21st, the professors will be released into the
wild, armed with laser pointers
and chalk. After a half an hour
head start, students can rush to
New Black and Decker Baby
Safe "It Tickles!" Blender - Part
of the prize pack for Ironman
and Ironwomen Professors
Expected to Increase Ten-fold
the nearest blue emergency poles
where kiosks will be set up. Once
armed with rope, contestants will
be released upon the campus.
Points will be awarded by level of
difficulty, ranging from Arts English professors (few points) to
Human Kinetics Triathalon TAs
(many many points). Prizes will
go to the individual who captures
the most professors, while laser
'tags' and chalk dust to the face
will result in point penalties. Professors will be allowed to blind
students using Class 2 laser products, though many have complained that their traditional carbon dioxide 9.6 micrometer wavelength 80 Kw lasers would be
more effective. (These were disallowed after a brief initial test
caused significant structural damage to Buchannan Tower.)
Analyzes Wong Chu, 432 Psychology correspondent and Metaphysics expert, "this contest will
allow students to release frustration in an old fashioned hunt. For
professors, this is one time they
get to run from students for fun!"
Event organizer Kristen "Ride it"
Hard saw the success of the shows
Amazing Race and events such as
the Calgary Stampede, and felt
they could combine the two. Hard
could scarcely contain her jubilation, "I don't know why there has
been so much opposition from the
profs. I just know this is going to
be wildly successful for y'all."
While UBC Rec was initially
opposed to her idea, they were
persuaded by the volume of professors expected to sign up for the
Bird Coop as well as for their new
"how to kick a student in the testi-
, UBC BDSM Club Dismayed
cles and not get sued" and "how
to kick 'em in the box" self
defence classes, whose enrollment
is expected to exceed even traditional kickboxing's.
Wellness Centre spokesperson
Fraulein Maria Von Trap said
"With the pressures of parties, too
many beer choices, and living in
scungy residences like Totem,
university students need something like this to help them relax
before going home to see their
families for the holidays."
The Teague of Professors was
unhappy with the competition for
several trivial reasons, all of
which have been resolved. Professors were distressed at the
thought of being bound with
coarse hemp or rough polyprope-
lene rope, stating that their "vitally soft wrists need the loving
touch of silk." Their attempt to
make it a silk-scarf-giving competition failed, but a decision to use
silk rope was made. The Teague
was interested in blinding students with scientific terminology,
not laser pointers and chalk, but
the planning group felt that this
would not be much of a challenge,
since most students have honed
the ability to tune out incomprehensible jargon by second year.
Despite concessions from the
planning group, some profs
remained uncooperative and the
group was forced to resort to
blackmail using embarassing
teacher evaluations on Rate-
MyProfessor.com and several
livejournal and blogspot accounts.
The professors recanted, and the
event is expected to go ahead as
planned.
The FDA in the US
approved the sale of the
LoveBot3000 despite
growing concerns. Groups like
Focus on the Family are worried
that some of the attachments
might lead to overstimulation, a
drop in birth rates, a decrease of
socialization, and an increase in
average blood flow. The FDA
approved it despite this pressure
with only the requirement that it
bear a label warning that some
of its small and large parts are
choking hazards.
Ironically, the Prostitutes Union
of Chicago has joined the Moral
Majority in condemning the
product as unsafe, unnatural,
and a transgression against
workers' rights, noting that it
does not even require the owner
to do any work, as it has an
'autopilot' setting. Jerry Falwell
expressed his thanks in a press
conference, where, dressed in
three layers of raincoats and
sporting trendy galoshes, a
colourful yellow particulate
mask, and avant-garde bulging
latex hand sheathes, he shook
hands with the president of the
union.
"Hermaphrodites are doubly at
risk," Falwell warned in his prepared speech, "and we must be
ever-vigilant against forces
which desire that most unholy of
unholies, guilt-free carnal pleasure."
Developers declined to comment on the premature release of
the product on the Japanese
market, citing confidentiality
agreements and poor self-
esteem. Japanese consumers
were unable to comment, most
likely because sales of the 'ball-
gag' and 'triple tentacle' attachments have hit record marks.
The ToveBot3000 is dishwasher-safe, vanilla flavoured, comes
in twelve colours, and comes in.
Male focus groups mostly
focussed on its tits, which
focussed right back thanks to the
patented NippleCams. Female
focus groups were unusual in
that not a single intelligible
word was written on their
reports, but initial worries that
the ToveBot3000 causes Parkinson's in women was discounted
after it was discovered that
motor control is recovered two
to eight hours after use is discontinued.
Many of the initial opponents to
the legalization of the Tove-
Bot3000 have ceased their arguments after personal trials left
them speechless. Others including many of the Christian persuasion who were contending
that it was unnatural to enjoy sex
without the possibility of childbirth changed their minds upon
hearing that it has an egg timer,
allowing women to find their
fertile peak if they so desire.
"I highly recommend this, for
all people," exclaimed a ruddy-
cheeked Sue Johansen, "it's fucking amazing. No, I mean it.
Amazing fucking. Wow."
The product has already been
approved for use in Canada, and
will be available for Christmas.
Shopping experts predict the
LoveBot3000 with it's signature
catchphrase "user satisfaction
guaranteed, over and over and
under and over" will outperform 'Tickle Me Elmo,' 'Tickle
You Elmo,' and the perennial
favorite, 'Slip 'N Slide.' Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
18th October 2005
Volume Nineteen
Issue Three
18 October 2005
Jedi Council-o-tron
Colleen Atherton
Varun Ramraj
Dan Anderson
Yoda
Sith With Pokey Scalps
Lik Hang Lee
Jedi Nights Are Long
Michael Duncan
Patricia Lau
Kiran Bisra
Francis Moon
Lisa Frey
Jamil Rhajiak
Cameron Funnell
Sean Kearney
Jonathan Lam
Eric Chee
Vladimir Choi
Andrew Provan
Frank Yang
Howard Choy
Chris Baitz
Martin Wlodarski
Jensen Wong
Brie Aho
Christopher Rowen
Obi-Wan Kenobi
Oker Chen
Jedi Printing Press GO!
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is produced by a pack of
rabid dogs in the Top Secret IFPO.
All views expressed in this issue are
strictly those of the individual writers, and as such are not the responsibility of the 432, The Science
Undergraduate Society, George
Lucas, or the Faculty of Science.
Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit their material to the
432. Submissions must make the
editor chuckle at least thrice, and
must contain the author's name
and contact information - under
penalty of death!
We would like to encourage reader
feedback. And remember: If you
haven't got anything nice to say,
say it anyway. Your momma was a
liar! Whatcha gonna say?
Contact us at: the432@gmail.com
Plan For University Town
Finalized
Andrew Provan
Bordering on Civility
The long and arduous search for an
architectural plan for the entrance to
UBC is over. Tast year a well-balanced group of respectable associates and
slack-jawed yokels from the UBC Board of
Governors was chosen to form a committee that would be responsible for selecting
the new layout of UBCs entrance. This
project, to be called "University Town"
once constructed, covers roughly the
grounds surrounding the Student Union
Building and the adjacent road that runs
from Main Mall to Wesbrook Mall. The
project, to be finished by the year 2040, is
another flagrant example of UBCs innate
and incomparable ability to frustrate its
students with loud and perpetual construction.
During the last year, the UBC committee
held a competition to select a project
design, which attracted esteemed architects from all over the world. Each architect submitted his or her design for University Town, keeping in mind the designated campus area and budget. (The designated campus area has already been mentioned; the budget is the total number of
students multiplied by the total tuition per
student, taking into account any tuition
hikes UBC can get away with.)
After submitting their designs, all the
hundreds of architects were put in a
derelict building, which was subsequently
imploded. The 47 who made it out alive
were deemed to have sufficient knowledge
and skill in their field for their designs to
be considered. The competition was, as
predicted, very fierce, and selecting a winner proved to be agonizingly difficult.
Most designs were aesthetically pleasing,
with a careful balance of nature's trees and
bushes with humankind's buildings and
roads. One model, although abundant in
green grass and tall oak trees, was thrown
out on account of having a giant missile
silo beside the SUB. In response to the
architect's vehement accusations that President Martha Piper had phoned him
requesting the missile silo, the committee
stated "it was supposed to be underground." This statement was later stricken
from the record altogether.
Another model was audacious enough to
propose knocking down the SUB in order
to excavate the site for possible dinosaur
fossils. This model was discounted
because, as the architect obviously didn't
know, all the dinosaurs in this area have
already been found and are currently
teaching at UBC. A third model, while
praised by environmentalists for its solar-
powered nature center, was criticized just
as strongly for its tree-powered technology
center. Another architect showed great
insight in his proposal to build a state-of-
art STD clinic, but unfortunately it was
deemed to be too far away from Totem
Park, the residence of most of its would-be
users.
The eventual winner of the lucrative and
prestigious competition was Don Falkirk, a
well-known and extremely arrogant man
from Australia. His model features a
prominent presence of greenery, as well as
two water fountains and a stream. Another element of his is the highly regarded
underground bus loop, which saves space
above ground for lush green grass and
sweet-smelling flowers. However, the
truly outstanding and contest-winning
aspect of this model is the moving walkways. All the major sidewalks in the designated area will be replaced with conveyor
belts that quickly and efficiently transport
students between classes.
On the ecological side, the gray wolf will
be re-introduced to the endowment lands
to counter the fratboy population, which
has been growing at an alarming rate due
to the high frequency and randomness of
their mating behavior. Watch for the new
University Town, coming soon to UBC
campus!
Hates the Ferries, Buses, World
y
Colleen Atherton
Editrix
Last weekend was Thanksgiving.
Being a good and dutiful child, I felt
the need to make the pilgrimage
back to Victoria to see the family. The free
feast certainly did not hurt my motivation
for going home, however, future holiday
weekend trips home are certainly in jeopardy.
Unless someone is able to come up with a
valid theory on how to get all the necessary
buses and catch the ferry you want, this
editor may well be unable to subject herself
to the rigors of holiday travel. Saturday
morning I got my hung-over ass out of bed
in time to be at the (first) bus stop at 11:00
am. (Yes, Jagerfest was a good time) Bus
one was the 99, and I was even early. I got
off at Granville with plenty of time to catch
the 601 to take me out to Tadner Exchange.
A nice boy who got off at the same stop as
I did paused to purchase some Girl Guide
cookies for a girl on the corner and offered
them around to everyone at the bus stop.
This small act of kindness was the highlight of the trip. His bus comes and goes
and I am still waiting. After what seems
like an eternity, the bus arrives. The cue
shuffles forward as all the hopeful passengers jostle for position so as not to miss the
bus. When the bus arrived it was nearly
empty. When it left, leaving me and several others stranded, it was jam packed.
We were instructed by the driver that we
should take the 98 to Airport station and
get the 620 from there to the ferries. When
we got to Airport station, we discovered
we had missed that bus by twenty minutes. This was not the upsetting part. The
upsetting part was that I could have
caught that bus had I gotten on the first 98
that passed me at Granville instead of
waiting for the 601 and now I was going to
miss the ferry.
Big deal you say? Perhaps you are right.
Perhaps I should just suck it up and be
glad that it is cheap and (relatively) easy to
go home for a weekend when I need
money. Perhaps I should just wait for the
non-holiday weekends to go home. Per
haps I should just invest in a flask so I can
at least be drunk enough that I don't care
about standing in the cold waiting for a
bus. Maybe I should a lot of things, but I'm
not giving up hope on a scientific formula
for ferry catching.
IWi
FOR S. U. S.
THE 432: SUNDAY OCTOBER 30 18th October 2005
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
Sex, Scratches and Solitude on the 99
The.Red.Fox
Love Lorn
Funny things happen on the #99 that
are worthy of mention in such fine
media outlets as this, the paper you
happen to be reading. No, these stories
don't have porn or 'hook-ups' but they do
have a certain flavor that is so often lacking
from any of that so-called 'real' journalism.
I prefer to call this flavor life - sometimes
bitter, rarely sweet, and often difficult to
swallow (what else can I be thinking of?).
Along comes the bus, skidding to a stop,
soaking my pants in the process. Sweet.
Mud chunks from East Hastings. The
drudgery of actually finding a seat begins
right away with a careful look around for
potential spots. Don't like you - you're different, you smell, you're not attractive
enough...ughhh, what the hell happened to
that guy, I mean seriously, can you wear
that in public??, until - ahh, an empty seat
with no one on either side or in my immediate Green [Safety] - Zone.
I must have been 'alone' for a whole 5
minutes, before a rather 'interesting' character sits down opposite me. Nothing too
peculiar about the guy - puts down bag,
takes out binder, starts reading. Picks at
crotch. Continues reading. Tifts hand up to
face to smell whatever he happened to be
picking at. Keeps reading. Picks crotch.
Lifts hand to smell. Keeps reading. WTF!
After about thirty minutes of such wonderful entertainment I was a) revolted/disgusted b) wondering what the hell the guy
was thinking and c) giving him ugly stares
at regular intervals trying to convey the
'WTF!'
To all you crotch pickers on the bus - we
all realize that an itch or two sometimes
happens. NOT always. And most certainly,
there is no itch so incredible that after having scratched it we smell our pickings.
Sweet Tama - what the hell are some of
you thinking! It's like the people who don't
wash their hands after #2.... were you
raised in barns?
The bus saga continues with something
completely unrelated to itching/scratching
- love. Unless, of course, you have crabs or
something. On a banal trip on the #99 (at
around 7pm) I'm standing there minding
my own business, hooking casually
around, our eyes meet across a crowded
aisle. It was electrifying. Incredible. Arousing? No. Not really. She sits down. I look
back up. She's looking at me. She smiles.
Reflexively, I smile. What to do now? Walk
over there you fool! Do it now! A wave of
adrenaline hits me. I feel myself going
clammy. Now! Move! I start fumbling
through my messenger bag, madly looking
for my phone. You just can't go over there
and have nothing to write that precious
number down on. And besides, than you
can call her right after - making sure she
didn't give you the number to Tone Bachelors Dry Cleaning or We Hang You Out To
Dry laundry. I look up again - she's really
looking at me now. She snaps her head
back, blushes and looks in the other direction. Oh! I'm going for this one... I start
walking over. The bus stops and a few desperate steps separate me and her. She gets
up. And...and...gets off the bus. I'm standing there, phone in one hand, dumbfounded. What do I do now?? Nothing. I go, find
a seat and sit down. The lesson? If you see
a hot girl, and more importantly, she sees
you - get off the bus. The #99 tends to come
frequently, while love/sex on a cold winter's night doesn't. Don't let yourself spend
another night looking longingly at that
extra pillow.
There are things that you can do on the
UBC commute that would shock some
people (e.g. scratching your genitals) and
things that will tantalize others (e.g.
scratching another person's genitals). I
guess, whichever happens to befall you
depends on a) GPA b) your grade in
Advanced Quantum Mechanics and c)
your continual readership of such fine articles.
The Future and the Next Generation
Eric Chee
Hopefully a Good Sport!
So I was just reading some technology
magazines earlier tonight and I was
just thinking about how far technology would have advanced by the time our
next generation or even the one afterwards
would experience. (I was just reading some
'quality literature' earlier tonight and thinking
about hot sweaty construction workers... want
to trade magazines some time? I'm looking for
some variety, -ed)
And two things came into my mind.
Video games, and communication. (Note
this post is quite long and a bit technical, so
my apologies for the people who may have
trouble understanding) (Whoah, you can
insert videogames and communication directly
into their mind!?! -ed)
In Video games, I was just wondering
how technology has progressed so far from
when it first started with "Pong" (The very
first game that used two boards vertically
moving up and down to hit a 'ball') (Um,
yeah, NOWHERE NEAR the very first game.
Spacewar was the first graphical videogame. -
ed) to now, where we are moving towards
"online-gaming" (ooh, air quotes! -ed) by
connecting to the internet and playing with
others from different parts of the city (I do
that too, I call it "throwing tennis balls for people to fetch" -ed), or country or world and
being immersed in a 3D-World that has
graphics that almost even rival movie
CGI's (Computer Generated Images) (Uh
oh, here comes the technical talk! -ed).
Now jumping over to the second thought
on communication and the future. I was
just thinking about how when we were
younger, we had a phone and if we wanted to do anything with anyone we would
call them up and arrange a time to hang
out. (What?!? I knew it! When my mom said
two tin cans and string were just as good, and
that everone else was doing the same thing, I
KNEW everone else had phones. Bitch, -ed) But
since that time, when we were young, technology has progressed from E-Mail to
Fnstant-Messaging to web-cam videoconferencing to "Skype (Voice communication
over the internet)" (Er, I think he means
"Skype, one of many programs that allows
VOIP," but he could be an idiot and think that
Skype is the only one. Who knows? -ed) and, at
the rate we are going, I would predict
Video-Conferencing will just keep on
improving until we get towards high-definition quality. Since that would be the next
technological "craze" that everyone would
want next in-terms of online communication. (Really? I thought the next technological
"craze" for online communication would be
something like virtual genitals, or maybe Tam-
agachi over the internet or something. Or
maybe smellophones! Yeah! -ed)
HEY EVERYONE! IT'S BACK
But one thing I have noticed, or it maybe
just me, is that a lot of people these days
would rather talk to a friend online instead
of giving them a phone call. And I was
wondering "Whatever happened to the
good ol' times where we would chat on the
phone to catch up with our friends?" (Never
happened. Stupid friends never picked up the
stupid tin can when I threw rocks at their stupid windows, -ed) Sure instant-messaging is
fast and convenient to talk to many people
at once, but does that begin to make us a
bit "anti-social"? We can still go and phone
them up and hang out when we have the
time to, but I feel that the best way is still to
see the person actually face-to-face. (I don't
know, I still think the best way to see a person
is face-to-crotch, but maybe that's just me. -ed)
Jumping again (what is this, an aerobics program? Give me a break here, Em going to go sit
down for a bit. -ed) to the first topic and
thinking the word "anti-social" , I think
about how when we were kids, we would
go out and have fun and ride bikes and
play in the playground. (OK, Em back, what
did I miss ? Oh. I wasn't allowed a bike, and the
playground was across a busy road that 1
couldn't cross without an adult. Wait... did you
call my mom? Are you just taunting me with
all these things I never got? What, are you
going to make fun of the fact that I never got a
pony, either? Stupid rules against horses in the
city. Ehey let the glue factory run, but they
wouldn't give me a single one of the corpses,
the bastards. Oh, right, Eric was saying something, -ed) That was all physical interaction.
With Video games progressing so far, what
would it be like for our kids or our grand-
kids? Would they begin to "lose" (Yay!
More air quotes! My favorite! -ed) that ability
to develop social skills due to Video games
and online playing?
Now imagine throwing "virtual worlds"
in the mix. (Wait, throwing like ball-in-the-
park throwing? I don't get it. -ed) I'm thinking now (Really? -ed) about how some computer websites are offering these "virtual
worlds" online for a price where members
pay to interact with others from different
part of the online-world, where they create
a "virtual" character profile of themselves
to interact with others. I've seen some sites
and read some magazines and advancement in these parts of technology and it
just amazes me, the new frontier we are
venturing in in the cyber-age. (So... paying
to interact with people who are automatically
your friends because they're in the same group?
Oops, sorry, forgot that this wasn't an article
aboutfrats. -ed)
With technology moving so fast, at
almost a blinding speed, (damn, watch those
motherboards run! -ed) in the future would it
be of any use to even go outside much?
Videoconferencing would become so clear
that we could chat with anyone online and
see them face-to-face. (Face to crotch! Face
to crotch! -ed) You could stay home and go
to work for people that would (birthday -ed)
suit them, and if you ever had to go to a
"business meeting" all you would need to
do is just log on to a virtual meeting room
and everyone would be so clear and sharp
that it would feel that you are almost there
in real life. (So, you work from home, and you
still have to go to meetings? Because avoiding
meetings isn't, you know, the biggest reason
people try to work from home. Ehe future
sucks! -ed) And throw in the virtual-worlds
and slap a digitally created you in there
that has high definition quality in looks
and interaction and you can see what I'm
thinking about now. (If I could have a virtual 'me'... eleven inches and double-D's, baby!
Why have anything less ? -ed)
I know that some of you would say that I
have seen or read too many sci-fi books or
magazines, (Yup. -ed) although that's not
completely true, (You lie! -ed) most of the
technological advancements are just coming into existence now or in the near future
are true. (I have NO IDEA what that last sentence means. Seriously. Read it twice. Do you?
-ed) I really wonder about my kids and my
grandkids in the future (I worry about mine
in the past. I knew that having sex with the ail-
too convenient protrusion on that time machine
was a bad idea, but how was I to know? -ed)
and how they will develop as a human
being (or... as a CYBORG! Part of a cyborg
army! -ed); interacting physically, verbally,
mentally, emotionally, virtually, and
socially. I guess I just have to leave it to
God (Hmm, I remember "leave it to Beaver,"
but not "Eeave it to God." Was it any good? -
ed) and just let him (aaaaah! Weee-ooow
Weee-ooow! Gender-centrism alert! -ed) deal
with it, because I sure don't really want to
dwell on those thoughts for too long. (Neither do I. I'd rather deal with those long hot
construction worker thoughts, -ed) But with
all this thinking, I sure feel like going out
and hanging out with my friends now. (I
feel like hanging out with your friends too. Can
I come? I so rarely get to hang out of my pants
around others, -ed)
Luckily I will be seeing them this weekend. I sure am curious about the future
though. (Me too. Like: what will the lottery
numbers be? Will I get lucky tonight? Are all
editors in the future going to be as sexy as me?
Will Timmy ever get out of that hole? What's
for dinner tonight? Will my ears still be itchy
in five seconds ? Oooh, I know that one now, the
answer is YES! Maybe I should be happy with
this momentary blessing of knowledge, -ed) Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
18th October 2005
Nerd/Wank-Fest to
Save Sci-Fi, Fantasy
Community
Brie Aho
From the Front Lines
In recent weeks, the Vancouver
area has been plagued by a rash
of scuffles between fans of the
space-western television show, Firefly, and fans of the J.R.R. Tolkien trilogy Tord Of The Rings. "I just don't
understand it," says RCMP officer
Duff McCracken. McCracken says
the attacks have so far been isolated
to small comic shops, but RCMP fear
that the violence will escalate,
spreading to Mac Stores and Magic
Card Tournaments. Incidents usually begin verbally, but escalate to
physical fights. "There are no
weapons, usually just flicking ears
and slapping. Some of the kids
attempt to use martial arts attacks,
but usually just injure themselves in
the process. We've also had one incident of an individual's pocket protector being ripped."
Michael Woodcox, leader of "A
Man Called Jayne," an Internet community for fans of the TV show (and
the film Serenity) has had enough.
He has staged what he calls "a final
battle between the two factions, a
showdown, the battle to end all battles, an Nerd-Off of epic proportions!"
The Nerd-Off will consist of an epic
role-playing tournament, where
"browncoats" will battle Tolkien-ites
for ultimate sci-fi/fantasy suprema
cy. Tocal "browncoats" claim to have
several advantages over the Tolkien-
ites. Senf, a 24 year old Firefly enthusiast who lives in his parents basement says, "The crew would kick
those little dwarves asses. We've got
better technology and a psychic
fighting machine, not to mention
more out-and-out muscle. I mean,
gay little midgets and poncy elves?
Screw those fei-fei de pi-yan!" Jon
Lewis, a local Tolkien-nite who
asked to be referred to by his hobbit-
name Eglantine Took, retorted, simply, "Antolle ulua sulrim. Tie merna
salk?"
Some, however, wonder why the
nerds can't all just get along. Wes
Garber, a local comic shop owner
whose store has been terrorized in
recent weeks, asserts, "The division
in the science-fiction/fantasy community is devastating. We are working to repair damages that are of a
deeply philosophical nature." In
order to narrow the chasm, Kurious
Komics is organizing a convention
designed to show commonalities
between the two factions. The event
will feature a Fan Fiction Coffeehouse and a Costume Fashion Show.
There will even be a Tinguistics Seminar, taught by Dr. Jennifer Nelson,
an expert on the nerd languages
(Elvish, Klingon, "Chinese-Cursing",
and even Wookie). There will also be
screenings, first of the 15 Firefly
episodes, followed by the film Serenity, and finally a back-to-back-to-
back screening of the extended versions of all three Tord Of The Rings
films.
Serious   about
CIENCEi
Wrti
FDR    TH E
4-3 2     NXDT
THING:
Try
Your Xanga
Subscription Digest
Howard Choy
Blogging Molly
Soup: Hey asshole, why do you only write fiction?
Janus: Well that way, I can be as offensive as I
like and just blame it on an asshole character.
Soup: Yea, but if you're trying to get your opinion out there through an asshole character, then
everyone would just dismiss it as an asshole
comment!
Janus: It's tricky business, but it's do-able. Assholes are an interesting breed of people. As
assholic as they are, they are what they are
because they say what's on their mind. I try to
appeal to what people think but don't say for fear
of being labeled an asshole. I just mix in a few
extreme asshole comments so they can laugh at
the absurdity of the level of assholeness as well.
Soup: So what kind of asshole things do you
talk about?
Janus: Anything and everything, I mean, if we
were to speak openly about how we feel about,
say, Uggs, we'd both be labeled as assholes.
Soup: You mean those ugly ass suede boots that
girls loved last winter because they were
'comfy'? You mean the boots that made girls look
like Mario? You mean the trend that wouldn't go
away? Fuck man, since when did eskimos decide
what was cool? They live out in the Arctic for a
fucking reason! And I can't believe the asshole
upper echelons in the fashion industry would go
so far as to evolve them into even bulkier furrier
footwear monstrosities!
Janus: Seriously huh? I mean, I'm sure they
were comfy, but since when has comfort been a
part of fashion? I mean, you don't see me going
out in my bathrobe! It's one of those things where
they bought them because they thought it was
cool and the fact that they were comfortable was
a plus. Them asshole 'trendsetting' celebrities
were either just testing the power of their influence or they simply ran out cool things to wear
and decided to find the ugliest pair of boots to try
and set them apart from the rest of the world.
Soup: For sure! I mean, Paris Hilton is hot, but
she is an asshole for doing this t! o the world.
Was it even Paris? Pam Anderson? Fuck, I don't
know.
Janus: The girls would never tell you. They
don't know where they get these ideas from, no
one does, they just happen. It's stupid really.
They will swear that they are 'fashionable' as
opposed to 'trendy' but that's just not fucking
true. If it were true, they wouldn't have clothes
that they'd refuse to wear a year after they
bought it because it's no longer in style. That's
the problem with having such a powerful entertainment industry. People think that subcultures
come from ideologies but no, they don't. They
come from movies and music. Granted movies
and music can be driven by ideology, but fuck, I
bet most commies in North America have never
read Marx. Fucking assholes.
Soup: Either that or they become communist
before deciding to read it. Fucking assholes.
Janus: Assholes...
CD
PARAD I G M !
r   PARADI E
LI CAT I D N'   .
i a n
SIGNED    TO    SHOW
case news events and
cussion within the area df
Science
WORLD FEDERALIST MEETING TOPIC:
GLOBAL IMPACT OF CIVIL SOCIETY
ORGANIZATIONS
Jennifer Wade, a founding member of Amnesty International in
Vancouver,   talks about how international organizations such as
Amnesty have become a global voice for freedom and rights. Followed by discussion and refreshments.
TIME:
Thursday, October 20, 2005 at 7:30 pm
LOCATION: Unitarian Church Centre, 949 W.49th Ave. at Oak
St., Vancouver. All welcome. Free Parking. No charge.
MORE INFORMATION:
Or to add your name to the meeting reminder e-mail list, contact
Larry Kazdan at (604) 874-9982, or e-mail: lkazdan@shaw.ca. The
World Federalists of Canada -Vancouver Branch meets at this
location the third Thursday of every month. The general public is
cordially invited to attend. World Federalists support the development of a global community based on the rule of law and
democratically accountable international institutions.
EMAIL    SUBM
SUS PA
E M Al l_. C O M
Next 432 Deadline:
Friday October 28th at 4:32pm
Think this issue sucks? Maybe you should try writing
something yourself, eh? Or maybe you should come to
the next publishing weekend on Sunday October 30th
from noon to 6pm. Email the432@gmail.com for details. 18th October 2005
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Five
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presew
ts:
Come meet us in the SUB, Room 212
A fun ICEBREAKER for
all Psych students
Pizza and pop for only $1!
Friday, October 21st
5-7 pm
Quantum Mechanics:
An Introduction
Christopher Rowen
Gawking at Hawking
You must be careful when you integrate
An eigenfunction. Take your eigenstate,
Try to Hamiltonian operate.
Total energy determination,
Just use the Schrodinger equation:
H-bars, mass, and partial derivatives;
Corresponding states, multiplicative!
Complex numbers and trigonometries,
(Don't bother studying geriatrics).
Conjugate waves give probabilities,
Work it out by hand, they're so simple
these
Particles in boxes that seem to fly
At the nodes you'll find .... nothing by-
and-by.
And capital letters have carat hats -
A German mathematician finds that
Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle -
Discrete values the utmost pinnacle!
But you can't learn it all, so sad,
Or Feynman says we'll know you're mad.
Horoscopes
Once again our talented team of
Astrologers have come together to bring
you the outlook for the next two weeks.
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless
when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon. Well, actually, it'll be
worth $10,000 to your family doctor after
he wins on America's Funniest Home
Videos.
Lucky numbers: 43 24 32
Taurus
This is your lucky year. Practice your
skills at UBCs new Prof-roping event coming soon. Later, use said skills to snag
yourself that cute little filly you've had
your eye on in Biology. Don't let your TA
see you making away with the demo
corpse, though!
Gemini
Prepare to take an unexpected trip when
you fall screaming from an open window.
Don't worry, no one will miss you. The
advent of point-and-click camera phones
means that your fall will be documented
and spread all over the internet by the time
your mangled remains are ID'ed.
Lucky numbers: who cares? You're dead.
Cancer
Your love life will hit a snag when your
heart is pierced. No, not by cupid; your
lover will throw a javelin through your
chest. Ah, the trials and tribulations of dating a psychopathic Olympic athelete. If
only your cravings for rock-hard bodies
were less severe.
Leo
You will never find true happiness. What
are you going to do, cry about it? Like the
rest of us, if you come to terms with it. You
can live recklessly and have fun anyway,
right? So go ahead and try the iced mocha
next time instead of your usual frappuchi-
no, you might be pleasantly surprised!
Virgo
You will soon lose your virginity. Congratulations! Get ready to loosen up (literally and figuratively).
Lucky numbers: anal.
Libra
Back when dinosaurs ruled the earth,
there were mosquitoes larger than a man's
fist. No shitting. Isn't that fucking wild?
Who would've thought. Oh, wait, sorry.
Um, this week will be good. You'll, ah,
yeah, I've got nothing. Look, don't tell anyone, ok? It'll be our little secret. I still can't
believe those mosquitoes. That'd be
insane!
Scorpio
Make sure you check your shoes before
you put them on this morning, otherwise
you will have an extraordinarily dead day.
Flesh-eating athlete's foot has only been in
labs for a month, and there are no known
cures yet.
Sagittarius
Look up. Look waaayyyy up. Yeah, that's
right. You don't actually exist. You are a
constellation and a myth, nothing more.
Sorry baby, that's just the way it is.
Capricorn
Man, you are a freak. You should really
get a plastic surgeon to see what you can
do about that tail. It is seriously impeding
your sex life. Today's babe forecast calls for
one beached whale. Watch out - the
corpses get bloated and gassy after a few
days of decomposiiton, so make sure it's
not been on the floor of the Pit too long
before you take it home.
Aquarius
Lately you have been lonely. As you
paced around your living room, surely you
wished you were out on the town with
friends. As you sat forlorn on your porch,
you must have wanted to be at a barbeque,
hamming it up for a crowd. As you laid
there in bed in those cute sweats and that
ratty but form-fitting t-shirt, reading your
John Grisham novel, you doubtlessly
dreamt of a cuddling body beside you.
Well, if you ever want to cuddle, look out
your east-facing windows at the white
building,, fourth story, the third window
in, and wave - if I'm not there, my webcam
will still catch it, and I'll get back to you
with my availabilities.
Pisces
Most people eat a cookie a bite at a time,
but then again, most people aren't trying to
break the guinness world record for most
consecutive cookie-induced chokings. To
each their own.
This week's lucky lotto numbers: none.
You're going to lose, again. Look, I could
say something like "42 17 30" but I'd just
be lying to you. You're not going to win,
you're not going to magically come into a
half-million dollars, and your dream project of building a house that walks and
talks is based on subconscious implantations from a cheezy character on the Pee-
Wee Herman show that you watched too
much as a kid. Page Six
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
18thOctober2005
SUS Elections Results
HERE THEY ARE!
The People You Elected!
1st Year Representative
Jennifer Tsoung - 41
Bruce Lee - 36
Cynthia Khoo - 33
Alex Lougheed - 27
David Nogas - 24
Matthew Naylor - 22
Alexandria Vraciu - DQ
Coordinated Science Program Rep
Saamon Shoashtorian - 40
Diana Lam - 28
Clara Myung - 21
Chris Nixon-Giles - 20
Benny Lee - 8
Georgraphy Rep
Marlon Richmond YES - 1
Marlon Richmond NO - 0
Science One
June Lam
Appointments!
Chemistry Rep
Cindy Nguyen
Computer Science Rep
Varun Ramraj
General Science Rep
Diana Diao
AMS: Lots of people who love talking about
nothing in particular
Chris Baitz
AMS Repin' Since 2005
So my first exec type report...:) Your
friendly AMS council has been continuing to meet biweekly as they
always have. The last few meetings,
though jam packed with wonderful things,
have been noticeably shorter than normal.
If this trend continues, these are the ones
that you AMS Council Meeting virgins
would like to attend to test the waters.
Now on to the content *rubs hands
together excitedly*. Council saw two non-
councilor presentations: the first by the
First Week Coordinator as a debrief to First
Week and the second by some UBC Alumni on the proposed Alumni Centre. We
also created the ad hoc Academic Policy
Committee with the intention of producing
an overview of academic policy. For anyone interested, there is still a position open
on this committee. We heard updates on
the lives of the handsome and extremely
busy AMS executives and had a number of
policy and procedure discussions involving the University Neighborhood Association.
Possibly the most interesting parts of both
of the previous two meetings, however,
were the Discussion Periods! We discussed
UBCs draft for its Student Code of Conduct involving many things you might
expect of such a code of conduct and more.
Some of the more contentious issues were
the policies involving the inclusion of
criminal acts, not limited to on campus
indictments, in transcripts. Next in discussion were the Teacher Evaluations that we
all diligently fill out at the end of every
term but are mostly in the form of asking
questions to find out the best way to elicit
accurate student evaluations in large quantities. The Third Discussion topic was the
proposed investigation in Coca-Cola and
whether or not we support its mandates.
Our final discussion topic this reporting
period was on possible questions for the
upcoming AMS referendum. There were a
number of really good ideas and more are
certainly welcome, but as to what gets
picked, I guess we'll just have to wait and
see what comes up in January.
If any one wishes to attend these entertaining meetings filled with amusing
remarks, come-backs and slips of the
tongue, you are more than welcome to
attend. There is even a secret word! The
next meeting is Wednesday October 26
and the food is always delicious and well
worth it.
Pharmacology and Physiology Rep
Vy Nguyen YES - 12
Vy Nguyen NO - 2
Biochemistry Rep
Jasna Levi - 28
Ron Ahluwalia -19
Raymond Pan -15
Biology Rep
Niki Liang - 59
Bez Toosi -17
Llewellyn Surajballi -10
Microbiology and Immunology Rep
Vladimir Choi -19
Ronak Rahmanian - DQ
Psychology Rep
Michael Mu Li YES - 6
Mchael Mu Li NO - 2
General Officer
Results were accidentally swallowed, but will be defecated in time for the next 432.
Earth and Ocean Science Rep
Neha Bangar
Mathematics and Statistics Rep
Samuel Wong
Physics and Astronomy Rep
Sophy Zhang
Integrated Science Program Rep
Martin Sing
New Course: SCIE 491
"Science Lab Volunteers
M
There's a proposal for a new SCIE 491
"Science Lab Volunteers" course
from the Dean's Office that is meant
to standardize the application and coordination of all volunteers in both research
and teaching science labs. For now, it
would involve applying through a central
service that will check the student's
grades/academic standing. Then the student will have to discuss details with a faculty member who is willing to accept volunteers into his or her lab.
There would be standard guidelines on
what the student is supposed to get out of
the experience, and end-of-term reports
will need to be written. One credit is given
for recognition, but it is not "academic" and
will not count towards program credits.
Students will need to pay for the course
(just as they do for any other course) and it
may only be repeated once. The grading
system is pass/fail, based on the student
meeting expectations set out by agreement
with the professor and guidelines set out
by the department or faculty. For now,
SCIE 491 is a one-term course .
The work involved would most likely be
supporting existing research projects,
rather than starting independent research.
It would be a good stepping-stone for
Directed Studies, Honours, and/or Co-op.
Students get recognition on the transcript,
possibly a reference letter from the professor as well as networking with members of
a research team.
If you have any comments or suggestions
regarding the SCIE 491 proposal please
contact Lisa Frey (lisa.frey@gmail.com)
and Vladimir Choi
(vladimirchoi@gmail.com). Your input is
valuable.
Black Box brought to you by a lack of contributions 18th October 2005
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Seven
The Smarmy Drawers of SUS
Patricia Lau
President
Another exec report.... I wonder how
many people actually read these
lovely reports of ours, so if you are
indeed reading this and would be so kind,
would you please drop me an email at
pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca?
So what has been going on with SUS?
Well the execs have been working really
hard with elections, BBQs, social events,
committee work and more. If you haven't
yet checked out our brand spanking new
website at www.sus.ubc.ca, check it out!
We recently appointed student representatives to several Faculty of Science committees, so thanks to everyone who
showed interest. I am sorry that there are
not enough Faculty of Science committee
student positions for everyone who is
interested, but if you are interested in getting involved with a SUS committee, check
out our website
(http://www.sus.ubc.ca/society .html#com
mittees) for more info or email me at
pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca for more info.
We'd love to have you and I look forward
to hearing from some of you.
Lastly, our former Dean, Dr. John Hepburn, has moved on to his next role as the
VP Research of UBC. Dr. Grant Ingram
will be the Dean Pro Tern while a university committee embarks on a search for a
new dean. If you are interested in being
appointed to the official search committee,
there is one student position available.
This student will be appointed by the SUS
Council on October 20, 2005 at 1pm in SUB
206. Show up if you are interested or email
sus@interchange.ubc.ca if you can't make
it.
Good luck with your midterms!
Jamil Rhajiak
Director of Sports
H
ey everyone,
To start off, I would like to congratulate
Team number 310: HOT PINK OROGENY
for coming in FIRST PLACE in the CoRec
division for Day of the Longboat! And
props goes out to THE POWERHORN (aka
Jonathan Lam and Cameron Funnell, two
super cool SUS execs) for capturing 2nd
place in Urban Challenge.
And otherwise I just have a few reminders
for you!
1) The REBATE DEADLINE for the first
half of this semester is OCTOBER 31st.
Have your rebate form with reciept in my
box in the SUS lounge by 5:00pm on the
31st to potentially qualify for rebates on
UBC REC events.
2) GLADIATOR: It's a battle of the undergraduate societies this year as your
beloved SUS takes on the CUS, EUS, and
AUS...or at least any of them who will
accept our challenge! We'll be having
exec/council teams going head to head so
wish us luck!
3) GREAT TREK RELAY: Honouring the
history of the Great Trek and the '20 Arts
Relay, this 10k run takes you around historic areas of UBC and ends with a great
bbq and awards ceremony for everyone
involved. Registration ends October 24th
so get a team and get out there!
So, for actually reading this, the first person to email me
(jrhajiak@interchange.ubc.ca) the title and
artist of their favourite 80's song will
recieve a prize!
Love Bo t3 000
Public Relations
Another executive report ... mine is
late as usual. You probably are asking yourself ... self, what is going
on in the world of the SUS public relations
officer. Well never fear, I am here to relieve
all those worries. The first SUS open house
was a blast. There were lots of free food
that seemed to grace the stomachs of many
hungry science students. One of the things
we were highlighting was the new GIANT
calendar. This is a large calendar stuck on
the wall of the SUS lounge. If you are ever
wondering what is going on in the world
of SUS then you should check out the calendar (LSK 202).
The first buck-a-beaker / buck-a-burger
was a huge success. This was a joint event
run by the Undergraduate Chemistry Society (UCS) and SUS. We sold over 400 burgers and 12 kegs of beer ... AMAZING!
There will be another buck-a-beaker happening very soon, be sure not to miss it.
The biggest Science achievement of the
week was the breaking of a seven-year losing streak. That's right, science students
finally won a boat race (beer chugging)
against a combined team of forestry AND
engineering. It was a very momentous
occasion that ended with the engineers
kidnapping me, putting me on trial, and
throwing me into their giant tank of water.
The joke's on them as I was painted blue
and ended up dying their tank blue. Out
next challenge against engineering will be
a chariot race later in the month. We are
working hard to construct a chariot of
magnificent proportions.
The website is finally finished. It is brand
spanking new and looks quite hot, if you
ask me. And last, but certainly not least, if
you are interested in doing some of this
awesome stuff I have been raving about,
you should join the Public Relations Committee. You do not have to sit on council to
be a part of the awesome PR committee.
Furthermore, I guarantee that this committee has tons of fun all the time.
Thanks all and have fun reading the rest of
the 432.
Jonathan Lam
VP External
S
cience Week Committee is also waking up from its yearlong hibernation,
so stay tuned. If you're interested,
gimme an email at
txm@interchange.ubc.ca. We'll likely be
starting meetings sometime the third week
of October. In the meantime, check out
elections results on page 6!
<3 Your friendly neighbourhood VPX
Cameron Funnell
Senator
C
ameron is unable to submit an exec
report this week. He exploded
when he attempted to swallow a 2
meter alligator while simultaneously being
swallowed by a 4 meter python (which
was swallowing the alligator.) It wasn't
pretty. (Oh, and everything was being
swallowed by a shark at the same time.
And the shark exploded too.)
Lik Hang Lee
D. of Publications
Hi all. Not too much to report for
publications. As always, I encourage more submissions from students just like you. We're always looking
for new contributors to the 432. Also, we
will soon begin work on producing this
school year's first Paradigm. Submit any
academic related articles to us soon!
An issue that I am currently dealing with
is in regards to the Lnterfaculty Publishing
Office (IFPO) in the SUB building. The
office, which was the result of an agreement that SUS, CUS, and EUS worked out
with the AMS two years ago, has not been
fully operational to the degree set out by
the agreements. I am currently working
with the EUS and CUS to regain momentum on setting up the office for full functionality so students can make use of it for
their own projects.
Lisa Frey
Secretary
First, I'd like to call your attention to
the new events calendar housed in
the SUS Lounge (LSK 202). Upon it,
you can find a schedule of science club
events, SUS meetings, and social events for
the next couple months - all in one place.
Second, so far this year I've had the pleasure of several inquiries about the process
of becoming constituted as an official SUS
Club. Becoming "one of ours" provides
you access to modest funding, a voting
seat on the council, promotion during Science Week and a number of other perks. In
exchange, you help bring SUS information
and services to your members.
To become a constituted SUS Club, one
representative from your club must be present at every council meeting for one year,
in a non-voting capacity. Following a
perusal of your constitution and member
list, you will be ratified as an official SUS
Club. (Note: you don't have to be an AMS
Club to be a SUS Club and take our money,
but you can be).
If this is something you're interested in,
email me (lisa.frey@gmail.com) or drop by
council next week (Thursdays @ 1:00, SUB
206) and I'll give you more info.
XXOXX,
~Lisa~
Sean Kearney
Social Co-ordinator
j
agerfest... WOW. Need I say more? Science KILLED last Friday!!!
Thanks go out to all those who helped set
up, bar-tend, barbecue, clean up, and, of
course, to the councillors and execs who
pre-bought tickets from me!
Any feedback on the beer/booze selec
tion/ticket prices/ticket sales is greatly
appreciated (email or call me).
Our next event will be Ethanol, Friday
November 4th. This will be a classier event
with premium beers (Stella, Bodingtons,
Becks, Hoegaarden, Kokanee Gold, etc)
and spirits (Grey Goose Vodka, Bombay
Gin, DeWar's Scotch, Disaronno Amaretto,
Drambuie, and Martini vermouths) being
served!!!
Ethanol will be a ticketed event with
cocktails, appetizers, and possibly mood-
lighting :) Look for more details to come!!!
Francis Moon
D. of Finance
■othing to report.
N'
Kiran Bisra
VP Internal
■ othing to report.
N'
Stella Artois
Beer Goddess
Most of you are familiar with the
greater Gods and Goddesses of
council, but many of you are
unaware of my presence! Without me SUS
would not be the well lubed machine it is
today. I've been working hard on some
very important points this week.
I have been ensuring beer consumption
quotas are met by bringing keg pumps to
the pumpless. I had to drive all over Vancouver to find somewhere that rents them
at 8 pm on a Friday night last weekend.
Did you know there is nowhere to get a
last minute pump from? Fortunately I have
certain DD-sized atributes that cam convince just about any cleak to bend over
backwards for me.
I've been promoting the joy of beer by
finding pumps!
To keep everyone healthy and happy I've
been spreading fairy dust and condoms
everywhere I go. Especially Totem Park
and the frat houses. Those frat houses may
be new on the outside, but they are the
same old disease ridden frat boys on the
inside, make sure you play safe kids!
One of my most important duties is to
remove the blight of hangovers. This one is
a real toughie. Fortunately fairy dust really
helps in this department. It's only berry
sugar, but as long as nobody knows that, it
works! Wait a second... maybe I shouldn't
report that...
Last but not least I've been fulfulling the
last of my duties to be damn sexy and
drink beer... at the same time, by being
sexy and drinking beer!
Next 432 Deadline:
Friday October 28th at 4:32pm
Aha! You thought we re-used the same ad as on Page
4, didn't you? Little do you know of our m4d 3diting
ski11z. Got some I33tness yourself, or want to pick
some up? Hit the IFPO in the SUB Basement on Sunday October 30th from noon to 6pm, b1zn4tch. 18th October 2005
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Eight
I've Been Here For Many Years...
jLfljtf   Frank Yang
Cold and Hungry
Peckish, in case you were wondering.
Ever since the powers of this place
bid me to pen their summons for
fresh blood some two weeks ago, it has
been in the throes of insatiable hunger. By
extension, they too are moved. But do not
think them emotional creatures. Theirs is a
tyranny of brutal logic, founded on a mad
certainty of the thing to come. They "feel"
only insofar as their base desires make a
mockery of true emotion.
It seems my fate has taken an unfortunate
turn to the negative.
When I first arrived, the people of this
place embraced me as one of their own.
They set about at once converting me to
the worship of the slumbering one. It was
an infant god, they said, one of many who
came by way of the earth below and now,
nearing birth, stirred at the threshold with
a chorus of enlightened thoughts. Those
who hear its whisperings become the
priests of the religion, while the less fortunate masses clamour about them in great
throngs in the hopes that one day, they too
might be touched by the  divinity that
slumbered beneath their feat.
They call it the grand teacher and the
giver of toil. Every day, the locals worship
it with devout fervor, for theirs is not a distant god. The earth constantly billows forth
immense clouds of the creature's exhaled
vapours, which the faithful channeled to
their homes and temples via a complex
series of buried pipes. I suspect given time,
it dulls the mind more thoroughly than
any drug. Men with dead eyes tend to the
fumes.
I have been here for many years.
The acolytes are eager to impress me with
their gleaming temples of iron and glass.
Local builders craft many such towers with
the aid of inhuman automatons - moving
but by the grace of their god. The impossible hives of stark edifices are unrepentant
in their demand for nature itself to bow
before them in awe. Mortals lose themselves with far greater ease. I am frequently beckoned to these halls of worship.
There, elder priests declare the divine will
in a myriad of babel tongues, which the
faithful then repeat amongst themselves
with great frequency in the days to come.
Such ravings seized the mind like a plague
and drive decent folks to acts better left
unsaid, despite the fact that no meaning
behind the scriptures are ever explained.
Ban Another Breed?
Vancouver city council is discussing
a new motion to ban a breed of dog
after a vicious dog attack last
Thursday. Vancouver is not the first Canadian city to consider such a law. They follow cities such as Toronto and Montreal
that have already banned pit bulls,
rotweillers and doberman pinchers. Van-
couverites, however, are unconcerned by
these so called "dangerous breeds" and are
electing to ban the seemingly unthreaten-
ing chihuahua.
The attack that has promted the banning
of the breed was unusually vicious, even
for a severe dog attack. Montgomery Winchester, the chihuahua's owner, gave us an
exclusive interview. "It all started with
some innocuous leg humping," he said,
"then the friction got to be too much, and
my pants caught on fire." At this point
Winchester blacked out and the next thing
he knew, the ravenous beast had gnawed
all the flesh off his ankle and was working
his way up. "It was like he was chewing on
a chicken drumstick! I could see bone! The
bugger was biting like 50 times a second,"
Winchester said with a shudder.
Luckily once the pint sized canine noticed
the exposed bone he switched into 'bury'
mode and tried to dig a pit big enough to
inter Winchester in the backyard. The
chance came for escape when "Dumpling"
finally had it big enough: it was too deep
for him to jump out of, and his victim was
able to crawl to the neighbours for help.
Winchester is now facing several reconstructive surgeries in which the partially
digested flesh of his leg - retrieved from
the stomach of the chihuahua - will be
reconstituted and used to rebuild the lost
tissue. Doctors are confident that with
brand spanking new technology Winchester will be able to regain 80% of the function in the affected limb.
When asked about whether or not he supports the motion banning chihuahuas as
dangerous animals Winchester gave the
council his full support, "Hell, I never
wanted the thing in the first place. The
only reason I got it in the first place was
because my girlfriend refused to let me get
a pit bull if she couldn't have a dog too.
Turns out my pit bull "Tank" is a total
wanker when it comes to any sort of confrontation. He doesn't even attack the
police when they come snooping around
my grow op."
As a sign of their devotion, the locals pepper even their most mundane speech with
a gibbering of holy' words as incomprehensible as they are offensive to the senses.
Not one among them understands what
they say.
After nightfall, juveniles marked by the
eldritch sigils of their tribes gather at the
boundary where ocean meets land. There,
they dance great frenzies around burning
pyres as if being possessed before spilling
their various humours on the sand in honour of the slumbering one. I do not remember when I realized there were few elders
beyond the meagre number of the priests
themselves. How can a people living in so
desolate a place remain so robust? Yet even
in my growing horror, before long I could
not help but become one of them. I partook
of their wild feasts and queer libations. I
joined in their supplications to powers
beyond name. I witnessed their riches sacrificed to the beast below. I beheld visions
never meant for the eyes of man.
But all their ceremony will not be enough.
Soon, the beast shall no longer be content
with mere words and trinkets. Soon, it will
hunger for more substantial fare. Then, at
the final gasp of history, it will rise to
devour the world. To be the first sight of
their nascent god, the first to leap into its
ineffable maw - what glorious ascension!
There are days when I am uncertain if I
do not share their desire.
This dream will end. The Kampos comes.
Your Science Undergraduate Society Presents
H      H
H       H
ANOL
Friday, Nov. 4th
7-11pm
SUB Partyroom
The Beer
Stella Artois
Bodingtons
Guinness    KSAJj     Bombay Gin
Rpr.ks nrnmknio
The Hard Stuff
Bacardi
Bacardi Breezers
Becks
Hoegaarden
Leffe Blonde
Sol
Bass
Dos Equis
Lowenbrau
Drambuie
Grey Goose
Russian Prince
Martini
DeWar's Scotch
Crown Royal
tt
Disaronno Originate
"PREMIUM BOOZE, STUDENT PRICES"
Martini Specials All Night Long
Tix: Free (must have in advance) Cover: $5
Info: Sean Kearney® 604.616.7124
Bite EMS Presents
Friday, October 21st
6-10 pm
Mclnnis Field
Hamburgers.'
Itoifters/
Beverages/
Great Live Music!
featuring
TUG WLTLiFTerS!
plus
An COmPAH feewd!
3$ Cover, includes Mug
1$ w/o Mug

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