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The 432 Sep 5, 1990

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 Volume 4, Number 1 The Newspaper for Science Students
The 432 Guide to Food
There are two things to keep in mind
when you're going out for food around
campus — if you keep these in mind,
your only excuse for ending up in a sludge
hole somewhere is laziness. (Mind you,
laziness is one darned good excuse.)
Anyhow, the first one is caveat
emptor, know what you're getting into.
UBC is like an isolated little hamlet. If
you want to go elsewhere it involves a
long bus ride or the hassle of walking to
B-Lot. It follows, then, that students are a
captive audience — so the prices about
campus may be completely outrageous.
One of the worse offernders is
UBC Food Services. While seldom as
horrid as their reputationi has it (cf. Yum
Yum's, for instance), they have the grating habit of introducing ;a tasty or novel
food item for a very reasonable price,
then jacking the cost through the roof
when they find that people will buy it. A
good example is their barbecue pork buns,,
which they introduced recently for 85
cents and, after only a few months, raised
to$l. 15. This, combined with a near-monopoly on campus eating, makes them an
organization to watch out for.
Now, if you can afford to pay
seven bucks for a lunch, then the second
Volume 4 and Welcome To It
"Massive confusion surrounds the future
of The 432 for this, its fourth year of
existence."       -The 432, Summer 1990
The first issue's out. Any confusion there
might still have been, vestigially clinging
to a meagre, stubborn existence, has been
forcibly laid to rest.
So here's the scoop.
The big news is contests. Every
issue of The 432 this year has a contest in
it — a different challenge each time.
(This week's coincides with That's Trivial.) Deadline for entries is tire following
Wednesday, and contest results will
appear in the next issue, two weeks later.
Butitgets better. We've got prizes.
Better yet, they 're money: $25 for each of
the 12 contest winners, and a grand prize
of $200, drawn from among the twelve
winning entries at the end of the year.
Meanwhile, Derek Miller is back
with the further adventures of the unin-
troduceable Dik Miller, P.I., and Tanya
Rose reprises her That's Trivial quizzes.
Aaron Drake and David W. New will also
continue their columns from last year,
albeit under different titles.
And there's more! Rachel Farrall
of Science Sports will write an update in
each issue of what's coming up, what's
just finished, and exactly where Science
stands anyway in Intramurals.
We've got ads, too, for all Science
club events, and the latest scoops from
the SUS executive. Plus we give regular
briefs of all AMS and Senate meetings.
And that's not even getting into
occasional columns, like Letters to the
Editor, CommentAri, and The Back Row.
With the graduation last year of
Ken Otter, who had drawn I.N. Stein for
the paper since time immemorial, The
432 was left without a cartoonist over the
summer. But this issue we welcome a
new strip, Les Aventures Fabuleuses de
l'lncroyable Thrud, by Mike Jackson.
One can only assume that the title will become clear in due course ... but then,
what do Peanuts have to do with anything?
All this, plus feature articles on
campus activities, Science events, and all
the multitudinous disciplines of Science
itself — and whatever else gets submitted. There's plenty of room. We've even
got three twelve-page issues this year.
Hand over your articles, photos,
cartoons, letters, contest entries, bomb
threats, etc., to the SUS.offiicc in CHEM
160 anytime. (Deadlines are the Wednesday before each issue comes out.)
Oh, and for those .really interested, come to the first SUS News Council meeting on Thursday, September 6th
at 12:30 in CHEM 160. (Starting with the
second meeting, on the 20th, they'll be
every Tuesday at 12:30 in CHEM 160.)
Thanks for reading — and have a
great year!
thing to remember is this: the servings are
always smaller than you expect. You see;
UBC is like an isolated little hamlet...
Be all that as it may, there are
some fine cafeterias and restaurants out
there, and herewith we present a comprehensive listing of 'em all. With each one,
we give a rating, from one to four stars,
four being the best. Be warned: the ratings are entirely subjective, and you may
find you disagree with all of them. I
mean, there must be someone out there,
somewhere on campus, who actually
likes Tortellini's pizza.
Arts 200
Location: Buchanan A-wing (where the
lecture theatres are), second floor. A
typical snack bar, Arts 200 has a wider
selection than most such, but nothing
unavailable elsewhere.
Owner: UBC Food Services
Hours: MTW 7:45am - 8:30pm
ThF, 7:45am - 3:45pm
SaSu, closed
Biggest Advantage: The hours. You can
buy a bagel here long after the Subway's
closed for the night.
Biggest Disadvantage: For most Science x&adssts, ihe .location is horribly
inconvenient.
Best Item: The salad roll. Oddly, UBC
makes one of the best salad rolls in town.
Rating: ***
SUS Thrills Thousands
at Open
SUS Council this week stunned all onlookers by holding an Open House in
their CHEM 160 office during the first
week of September.
"When the first week of school is
here, you don't know what you are doing.
The summer months have atrophied your
brains and waking up early in the morning is something you hoped you would
never do again," commented SUS External Vice President Alan Price when asked
how the plan was conceived.
Shrugging his shoulders helplessly, he continued, "What can you do to
relieve the tension? Who do you go to
lunch with? Who can you talk to? We
thought of us."
The office is said to contain
sheaves upon sheaves of the cheapest
paper on campus, free food galore, and
simply oodles of friendly executives. Its
door will be open from 10:00 to 4:00
daily, if not more often, and all accounts
report an atmosphere of highly festive
nitrogen-oxygen.
Although he had been issued a
formal invitation, Burnaby Mayor William, J. Copeland was unavailable for
comment. AMS President Kurt Prein-
sperg, however, responded enthusiastically to the idea. "I think it sounds like a
wonderful, happy occasion," he said.
Details, page 2.
In This Issue...
Campus Food Guide 1
Editorial 2
Rankel Talks 3
Wood Cops 3
The Year in Sports 4
That's Trivial Contest 4
More Food..: 5
Dik Miller, P.I 6
CommentAri 7
Be a Frosh 7
Be a Year Rep.. 7
Lots of Ads 8
11BC jtatti*
Seiioi
The Barn
Location: To the south of the Geophys/
Astronomy building on Main Mall. One
of the few buildings on campus that is
devoted solely to food, The Barn offers a
grill where you can get a burger or fries,
or chili. As well, they offer prepackaged
foods, rolls and buns, plus a fair amount
of seating.
Owner: UBC Food Services
Hours: MTWThF, 7:45am - 4:30pm
SaSu, closed
Biggest Advantage: The lines areamong
the shortest on campus, since it's so far
from the main lecture theatres.
Biggest Disadvantage: The prices are a
bit high, and the tables are usually dirty.
Bestltem: Probably theburgers and fries.
Rating: ***
Blue Chip Cookies
Location: Main floor of SUB. Blue Chip
is the caffeine centre of campus, with I
don'tknow how many variaties of coffee
alone. Lineups are huge, but move
quickly.
Owner: The AMS
Hours: Daily, 7:00am - 10:00pm
Biggest Advantage: The wide hours,
suitable for stocking up on caffeine before a class or an all-nighter.
Biggest Disadvantage: Besides coffee
and cookies, there's really not much here.
Best Item: The Marbleicious cookie.
Yum.
Rating: **
The Dellv
Location: Basement of SUB. The Delly
provides specialty sandwiches and novelties like Jamaican Pies, Burritos and
such. The prices are high, but the quality
is good, although the lines are long at
lunch. The staff is courteous and friendly.
Owner: Independent
Hours: MTWThF, 7:30am - 5:30pm
SaSu, closed
Biggest Advantage: The sandwiches are
made to order, and you can heap on a
number of extras, like onions, cucumbers, lettuce, and green pepper.
Biggest Disadvantage: Said specialty
sandwiches run from over three dollars to
just under five. They're expensive.
Best Item: The relatively cheap, prepackaged ham and cheese croissant,
stuffed with tomato, lettuce and pickle.
Rating: ****
Lots More
Restaurants
Reviewed on
Page 5...
September 5,1990 Editorial: Ergonomics
by David W. New
Ergonomics: (n) The study, in analysis
of a problem, of the needs of people.
The Subway is the largest cafeteria pB^mpus.serying thousands each
lunch hour'and tafeg^jHrklfjh^main
floor of the SUB. This spring and summer, it had fittingly wide hours, opening promptly at 7:00 every morning
and closing just as promptly twelve
hours later.
Then, suddenly, everything
changed. The school year started.
Campus saturated with students; restaurants again were inundated by orders.
And the S ub way, that bastion of student
service, reduced its hours — opening a
half hour later each weekday, closing
at 3:30 on Fridays, cutting back to just
four hours on Saturdays and none on
Sundays.
Who are they serving by reducing their hours for the school year? Or,
more curiously, why are they expanding them for the summer? Far fewer
students inhabit West Point Grey for
those months, and far fewer faculty; only
the periodic conference attendees bolster
campus population.
So comes the question: why are
con-goers more important than students
to the University? Why are their food
needs so much better met? I'm sure there's
solid business acumen in this; I'm certain
some unfathomable logic applies somehow. But where's the consideration of
students' needs?
It's not that UBC is trying to shaft
its students. If it wanted to be vindictive,
it could hike student computing rates, or
eliminate bike racks. The problem is that
somewhere on the administrative ladder,
someone isn't keeping students in the
back of their mind.
Take fee increases. It's easy to
bash the Administration for setting its
fees too high — but they honestly have
tried to keep their budget reasonable,
given how littie money they have at hand.
The trouble is that they've forgotten, or
haven't realized, that students' pock-
etbooks aren't a flexible line item: these
are people who simply don't have the
money.
Take class scheduling. It's not
uncommon to have c-.lasses in rooms vastiy
toalarge or too small for them, or in a
particularly odd location. Theonly course
taught in the largest lecture theatre in the
Commerce building; is Psych 100. Some
years ago, a friend of mine was taking
Math 100 in Buchanan, English 100 in
the Education buildling, and Comp Sci
114 in Math — any when he repeated
Math 100, it was in (Comp Sci.
Tell me there; couldn't be a more
logical scheduling -_ tell me it's really
necessary to have to run from Math to
Family/Nutritional Sciences to the Math
Annex again for thnee corequisite Math
courses — tell me that it's occurred to
whoever figures the, classrooms out to
just consider the neetds of the students.
Or take the w-orse fiasco of exam
scheduling. Even sinice Senate extended
the Christmas exam session to three weeks
long, the Registrar':s office persists in
scheduling all the s«econd-year Physics
courses on the same (day, or all the third-
year Chemistry withiin forty-eight hours.
Always, plenty of students are caught
with an exam one evening and two the
next day, and a fev,v are invariably as
signed two simultaneously.
Can't anyone just write a program which will set a schedule more
convenient for everybody? But no: for
the needs of the student go forgotten;
the needs of the student are never considered.
Even architecture shows this
tendency. Between CPAX and Hebb
Theatre, up the stairs, are a host of
benches, tastefully and aesthetically arranged about several circular bushes.
B ut all of the seats face away from each
other — try having lunch there with
three friends,: you won' t even be able to
see one of them, and you'll catch justa
glimpse of another's back.
It's a nice-looking plaza.
They're even comfortable seats. But
somebody wasn't thinking about people too well when they designed it.
To be sure, undergraduates are
the most transient part of a university
community. And it's true that the current administration believes in UBC's
future as a research- and graduate-
oriented school. But one can't ignore
the students; one can't forget that we
exist and that we have our own needs,
peculiar to us. To neglect that isn't the
act of an intelligent person — and it's
certainly not the job of a university.
Startled University Prepares for Frosh Onslaught
It's the second year since UBC's First
Year Student Program began, and the
first time this campus has ever seen a
Frosh Week even approaching the magnitude planned for September 10th to
14th. Seven thousand incoming first-years
have been told of the program through an
expansive summer mailout; F.Y.S.P.
planners expect a huge turnout to their
OpeningCeremoniesnextMondaynoon.
The frosh will gather in SUB South
Plaza, where amidst the resulting congestion they are due to meet their Frosh
Coordinators—those doughty souls who
will lead them through the ensuing pandemonium. Structural engineers estimate
the load on the Plaza will be insufficient
to cause a spectacular roof collapse on
Tortellini's unless all the Frosh show up
and jump simultaneously. All previous
attempts to undermine the structural integrity of SUB Plaza by determining its
resonant frequency (surreptitiously billed
as "noon-hour concerts") have failed.
Nevertheless, students are advised to
exercise caution when purchasing food
from Tortellini's next Monday, just in
case.
While UBC has withstood seventy-five previous such deliveries of bulk
Frosh, this one will be its largest yet It is
expected that their imminent inundation
of campus will turn several professors
into yammering idiots. "They're every
where ... we can't escape... yaaaaaaghV
explained one expertt on professorial behaviour.
Meanwhile, tftiose first-years participating in the Profgram will attend the
Frosh Forum, a mysterious forum-like
event in the SUB Auditorium ostensibly
for frosh, the FrosJh Olympics, an apparently Olympics-ljike event which rumour
states is also geared towards frosh, and an
open-air video-dance-party-type affair on
Friday night. They will also participate in
a week-long scavenger hunt, and a
mammoth game of Twister outside the
Bank of Montreal on Tuesday; passers-
by are encouraged to please not tickle the
participants.
Volunteers for ... ah... handling
diinp.«Frosh Week events are still needed
— call the F.Y.S.P. office at 228-5213.
Open House
The SUS Darts Ladder is
missing some rungs...
Calling all dartists—the Science Undergraduate Society
Competitive Masters Invitational Darts League is now
accepting new.members on the bottom rung of its ladder!
If you're interested in competing, register at SUS in Chem
160 anytime*. The rules are posted beside the ladder. Simply pin
your name at the bottom of the ladder, along with your phone
number, and you are free to challenge any of the Registered
Competitive Masters Invitational Darts Leaguers on the level
directly above you.
A special SUSCMIDL banquet will be held at the end of the
year, where awards will be given for Top Rung, Most Sportsmanlike Player, and Most Congenial Person.
The Science Undergraduate Society Competitive
Masters Invitational Darts League: a SUS tradition
since at least Tuesday \
'The SUS assumes no responsibility for any damage incurred while playing darts. All
Dartists Dart at their own risk. So there.
- by Alan Price -
What do you do to relieve the tension of
the first week of school? Who do you go
to lunch with? And who is there to talk to?
Are the answers to these questions nothing, nobody, no one? Heck no!
We're here to throw you a line! The
Science Undergraduate Society Open
House is on this week — all week —- and
we want to meet you. Come into the
office any day, any time, and see us!
(Well, of course, you can't get in here if
we're not home, but someone usually is.)
The executives eagerly await some
poor fool who'll play our shell game, or
perhaps you'll challenge Aaron Drake to
a match of strip darts. Browse through the
stocks of our Science wear, which are
brand new and improved this year. Pick
up a pair of boxer shorts and wear them on
your head if you like.
In short, just come down here and
do what you like. Talk to us and you
might just like us. (I doubt it very much,
though: we're so desperate for friends).
The important hing to remember is that
we are your Student Society and are nothing without you — after all, if not for our
constituents, who'd pay us $10 a year?
So what's planned for the Open
House?
We will supply all sorts of tasty
digestibles all week long in a frantic plea
for attention — chips and salsa, veggies
and dip, and a punch whose ingredients
will not be disclosed. We just want to be
your friends, so we're offering this all to
you for free. We want you to enjoy yourself in this huge, unfriendly university,
and you can do it by meeting good people
... or at least people, like we are here at
the SUS.
For those of you worried about
health regulations, there's no problem.
Last year's President, Ari Giligson, is no
longer in residence; the room has been
fumigated and all his socks removed.
You can eat your munchies with carefree
abandon in this now certified odour-free
room.
So how do we end the Open
House?
Well, we have a special Bring-
Your-Own-BBQ down at Spanish Banks
on September 8th. We' 11 even put up a big
sign so you can't miss us. From noon till
whenever you can enjoy more free goodies and we'll even supply a volleyball net
and softball equipment. Bring your own
meat, and if you can supply another BBQ,
then do it. We want you to have fun at our
expense, so use us. That's what we're
here for.
So remember—come toourOpen
House and enjoy yourself. Talk to any
one of us and we're bound to respond.
Who knows, if I take a liking to you, I
might just let you try on my hat...
The 432
September 5,1990 Cathy by Cathy Rankel
So. You're back, duck boots firmly in
place, cinnamon bun held tight in your
left hand, stray copy of the 432 in your
right. You sit down in your chair, ready to
catch a quick read before another round
of lectures begin. Great life, isn't it?
You'd better get your sun-tanned
and rain-splattered body down to the SUS
office, you know, before all the brand
new Science sweaters, sweatshirts and
boxers have faded from the shelves. Then
while you're here, you can grab a fast bite
from our Open House munchies as you
slowly survey the room.
Immediately to the left of the entrance lies the sink, its strange-looking
fountain poking up like alien handlebars.
It's actually an eye rinse, plagued by
informative signs ... "Test this unit each
week—last checked Nov. 11/88"... "Do
not insert this into your mouth."
A notice to junior painters on the
wall just above offers $20 to the first
person who paints the moustache of Ari
Giligson, my predecessor. Thankfully, I
have no moustache.
To the right is the Science Sports
board, covered in signup sheets for
leagues, individual events, and the Arts
'20, for men, women, and corec, for skill
levels from ringer to neophyte. All of
them have 30% off the Intramurals cost,
from Science rebates.
Then your eye catches on two of
the more exotic donations to the office
collction, ourpsychedelic electronics. We
forget nothing here, not even the '60's
and '70's. You thought a clock was a
relatively aesthetically simple object, but
this baby has rotating flowers above the
clock face, which emitluminescentshades
of red and blue as they turn. It's a real
beauty.
And so is our fabulous "disco ball,"
acquired courtesy of Antonia Rozario
and guaranteed to delight every true disco
fan. After five minutes of an intense warm-
up session, the gizmo inside this inflated
golf ball rotates, much faster than the
flowers in the clock, casting multicoloured shadows across the walls. John
Travolta would be swinging avidly with
this little item by his side.
You gaze past our stockpile of
paper—400 sheets for $2.00, the cheapest on campus — to the remains of Ari's
Junk, garnered carefully from various
heaps across campus. Now, I'm not referring to pocket-sized scraps. I'm talking,
for instance, about a three-foot-high teletype machine Ari dragged in late one
night under a full moon. Let's give him
the benefit of the doubt and attribute this
piece of lunacy to the day of the month—
but nothing explains die Big Metal Disk
that sat here for months'last year before
escaping in my backpack. Anyone with
bizarre used appliances lying around, just
contact the SUS and we'll forward your
goods to Ari Giligson.
Then there's the space our lovely
office loans to a television set. Before you
get any hopes up about watching your
favourite soaps, please take note that this
particular piece of equipment does not
work. To our knowledge, it never has —
but there' s a notice on it saying that if you
can change this stale of affairs, you'll get
a free ticket to the next SUS dance. Never
let it be said we don't cater to people with
electrical genius! (By the way, if you're
an electrical genius but lack a social life,
this could be the chance of a lifetime.)
This manually controlled TV was
brought to us by Antonia Rozario, of
disco ball fame. One can't help but won-
derwhetherornotArifurnishedherhome.
If he did, he was probably wearing a jean
suit—which he once wore with a striped
tie and striped shirt. The man is a prime
time fashion peeve.
Then there's our dart board, home
to an ever-expanding league of players,
our fridge, our dysfunctional typewriter,
and ourchalkboard full of interesting and
incomprehensible messages. And our
friendly executive, who've been trying to
distract you into conversation ever since
you started this survey.
The way we see it is that we're
here to help you. You gave us $10 when
you paid your fees—multiply that by the
4000-odd Science students, and you get
back over $40 000 of services: sports,
sales, publications, and an executive with
all sorts of stuff in its office.
A deal this good just can't be beat.
It's every bargain-hunter's dream!
Catherine Rankel is the glorious and illustrious President of the entire Science
Undergraduate Society. She demands that
her petty subjects kneel in obeisance
whenever she approaches, especially if
they're wearing striped ties with striped
shirts. She wants you to have a nice day.
Community Relations
Distributes News Release
UBC Community Relations, the UBC-
minded people who brought you UBC
Reports, UBC Open House, UBC television commercials, and that neat picture of
all the students spelling UBC, has sent a
news release to all campus papers.
The thin package, which arrived
at The 432 on August 23rd, contained a
page entitled, "Homecoming Copy for
Campus Newsletters," a purple Homecoming poster, and a brief letter which
read, *'As events for Homecoming will
soon be upon us, we are forwarding in
advance information on a number of
events that will take place in September
and October. Notable amongst these is
the Gala Great Trekker Dinner to be held
September 27 in honor of Pierre Berton,
this year's recipient."
The memorandum continued, "If
you wish any further information please
call Donna Hunter or Sian Roberts at
228-3131." It was signed, "M. Nevin," at
the top of the page.
Community Relations has distributed a number of news releases in the
past, especially since January, but this is
its first of the 1990-91 school year.
The Night of the Wood Cops
I want to talk
about something very-
important,
but I have to
give you a
little background first.
I'm going to tell you about the night the
wood cops came for Otter.
Up in New Denver, they have a
few nice provincial campgrounds, and
the local Provincial Parks Recreation
Thing Guys (or whatever you call those
people who tend the provincial parks)
provide free chopped wood for the fires
of campers. That is, of those campers
whoarem the provincial park. We were
campedjustdown the road from oneof
these parks — myself, Otter, and forty
others. We were tree planting.
This isn't a tree planting story.
This is better. This is a story of Classic
Anal Retention.
Otter's real name, by the way, is
Mark Etter. Etter — Otter. Get it?
Anyway, Otter got it into his
fool head that we needed wood for our
campfire. We didn't have an axe, but
Otter had a S uzuki Samurai with bucket
seats — something you'd be hard
pressed to find on an axe. Otter loaded
up the back of his Samurai with the
wood at the park up the road and that
was that. No witnesses. The perfect
crime. So we thought.
Three days later they came
looking lor Otter, driving a large black
sedan with tinted windows and fuzzy
The 432
dice dangling from the rear-view.
The wood cops,
It was no use. They had the goods
on Otter.They had DNA that matched the
wood from the back of the Samurai with
the wood at the park. It was better than a
smoking gun. They told Otter that if he
didn't return the wood, he'd be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. We
didn' t know what the fullest extent of the
law was, but Otter returned what was left
of the wood and the matter was dropped.
That's not so bad. Otter stole some
wood, and he had to put it back. That's
not what bothers me. What bothers me is
that it took them three days to find Otter.
How did it take them just three days? I
mean, how do you track wood down? Do
you put out an All Pines Bulletin? Do you
interview the forest for witnesses?
Yet they did it. I don't know
whether the three days was due to ineptitude or maybe ingenious sleuthing, but
they wasted three days to find twenty-
five cents' worth of wood.
Somebody's constipated.
But I didn't want to talk about
that. I just wanted you to know that
somebody was willing to spend three
days to track down some sticks of firewood. I wanted you to know that all this
was going through my mind the other
day, when I was pushing the shopping
cart down the street to my house from the
IGA.
The buggy cops will track me
down. I'm sure of it. They counted the
number of buggies at the end of the day
out in front of the IGA, and came up one
short. Then they put out an APB on the
buggy. Soime neighbour will be watching
America's; Most Wanted, and they'11 flash
a picture o>f the IGA shopping cart, with
the littie pointless Quarter-Sticker-Inner
thing on the push-bar — which was invented by a Very Spiteful Man, boy —
and my neiighbor will look out on to my
front lawn and that will be the end of my
stay in Vancouver.
But. I don't want to talk about that
either. I just wanted you to know that I am
a nervous wreck right now, afraid to
answer my door, because the buggy cops
might be thie ones knocking. What I want
to talk about is girlfriends who make you
push shopping carts all the way home
because they don't want to carry the
shopping bags two blocks. And a ten
kilogram stick of rice. We had that, too.
But she just didn't understand that the
buggy cops were Out There, and that they
would get us.
On the other hand, I understand
her fear of Relatives of Dead Bugs. Most
girlfriends want you to squish the giant
spider on tide kitchen floor. Mine wants
me to daintily usher the spider into a
folded napkin and deposit it, alive and
well, outside on the neighbour's lawn.
This isn't fier refined sense of humani-
tarianism—it's her fear that if we kill the
bug, its family will wageaholy war on us.
I admit I know very little about the
social structure of spiders, but I don't
believe that they keep in touch with their
fourteen hundred brethren and sistere-
thren (sistrethen?) that popped out of the
sac with them. Besides, the spider is dead;
there are no witnesses other than a few
houseflies, and I'm sure they don't
have names or addresses of the immediate family of the deceased. Anyway,
what can a commando troop of Daddy
Longlegs do to hurt us? I suppose they
could crawl into our lungs while we
sleep, but that's assuming that Daddy
Longlegs are prone to committing kamikaze attacks for distant relatives.
But that's all neither here nor
there. These quaint quirks and paranoid tendencies get stumbled on after
you Become An Item. I have one, she
has one. Well, actually I have another:
I tend to write about my Better Half's
paranoid tendencies, and if you read
The 432 at all last year, you'd know
exactly what I mean. Still, as paranoid
tendencies go, these are pretty lame. If
I had to wear women' s underwear while
I removed Big Ugly Spiders, now that
would bean interesting quirk. But that's
all another story, I guess.
Besides, she's walking in the
room right now and I've got to turn off
the computer before she gets over here.
Another interesting quirk I stumbled
upon now that we're An Item is her
paranoid left hook.
Last year's 432 Editor, Aaron C. Drake
is now SUS Director of Publications...
which is to say, my boss. Naturally, his
splendid column can be found in this
luxurious, scenic location near the base
of spacious Page Three. With a view.
September 5,1990 The 432
Volume 4, Number 1
September 5,1990
Editor:
Writers:
Typists:
Artists:
Layout:
David W. New
Aaron C. Drake
Rachel Farrall
Ari Giligson
Caireen Hanert
Orvin Lau
Derek K. Miller
David W. New
Alan Price
Cathy Rankel
Tanya Rose
Aaron C. Drake
Orvin Lau
Derek K. Miller
David W. New
Aaron C. Drake
Mike Jackson
David W. New
Printed at College Printers.
Area: 9.652 x 10 * m2.
Multiplicity: 4000.
Frequency: 8.267 x 107 Hz.
Average printing speed:
3.192 x 103 m2/s
The 432 is written, laid out,
and all that funky stuff, on
a Macintosh SE named
Lucifer. It's published by
the UBC Science Undergraduate Society, and all
contents are © 1990% the
authors, or by the Society if
no name is given.
Deadline for submissions:
Wednesday, September 12
text issue: September
Science Experiments
Alchemy
Kurt Preinsperg
-Letters to the Editor
•Plus all our regular
features!
- by Tanya Rose -
Hi! To kick off the new year, this week's
That's Trivial is a contest! Dave's asked
me to explain the rules, so here goes...
There are twenty questions with
point values, plus a bonus question. Answer as many as you can, and bring your
entry to That's Trivial, care of the SUS
Office in CHEM 160, by Wednesday,
September 12th. The entry with the most
points wins, and if there's a tie, the winner is the person with the best answer to
the bonus question.
First prize is $25 and a chance to
win $200 more at the end of the school
year. Second and thirdplaccalsoget their
names entered in the draw.
Answers next issue—this week's
theme is Ancient and Mediaeval Science!
The 432
Sports
past we've made special badges for all
Science participiints in special events like
Day of the Longboat or Storm the Wall
... we provide signup sheets in our office
for all events and skill levels, if you want
to be on a team but can't find enough
players ... and Science has won four of
the last six interf'aculty races, its women
going undefeated since 1987!
You can register for events either
inCHEM160orattheIntramuralsoffice,
in thebasment of SUB —just bring us the
receipt and we'll give you a voucher for
your rebate from the AMS Business Office.
And then there's the matter of
sports points. Every event you register in,
a noon-hour run, an orienteering route or
a volleyball league, earns you Science
Sports points. At the end of each year, we
hold a huge banquet to give out our awards
—andanyone with enough points (which
are cumulative from year to year) wins an
S for their Science jacket (see Science
Sales)!
But letters aren't all — there's
also a prize to the most active department
in sports that year, awards for the most
successful individuals and teams, and the
- by Rachel Farrall -
The UBC Intramurals year begins next
Friday with the annual Inaugural Road
Run. It sweeps through Term 1 with soft-
ball, cycle races, badminton, Ultimate
Frisbee and longboat racing, then grabs
along hockey, curling, skiing, squash,
Wallyball, the Centipede Race and the
Triathlon to build to a March climax with
Canada's largest Intramurals event, Storm
the Wall.
There's at least one event for
everyone — but a catch. Everything costs
money. Which is where Science Sports
comes in.
For every event, from $7.00 for
the Ping-Pong League to the $8.75 of the
Arts '20 Relay, from the $3.00 Mountain
Bike Ramp Climb to the $33.33 Expert
Ice Hockey League, Science rebates 30%
of the cost — and all you have to do is
register on behalf of Science!
Ah, but if you thought that was all
we do, you're sadly mistaken. Science
Sports also gives away prizes and awards
to teams registering early for events, and
to those who accumulate the most sports
points — on top of the Intramurals T-
shirts and prizes already offered! In the
Upcoming Events:
Name
Inaugural Road Run
Spanish Banks Beach Volleyball
Cycle Racing Clinic
Cycle Hill Climb
B-Lot Cycle Criterium
Greek Colour Day Run
Arts '20 Relay
Drop-in Badminton and Volleyball start the week of September 17th.
A list of all the events this year can be picked up in the SUS office.
glorious 432 Cup, presented to whatever
first-year Science student accumulates
the most sports points before March, her
(or indeed, his) name emblazoned in
sparkling, genuine metal on its side. And
the year's top male and female athletes,
whatever their program or year of study,
will also both receive trophies from The
432 — smaller than the Cup, of course.
(Ed: Rachel's probably as surprised to
read that last bjt as anyone. So a few
words of assurance—don't worry, it's
com ing out of the Publications budget.)
To find out more, or to get involved, come down to the SUS office
during Open House, or see me — my
office hours, until further notice, are:
Monday 4:30- 6:30
Tuesday 10:30-12:30
Wednesday 4:30- 6:00
Thursday 11:30- 1:30
Friday 10:30-11:30.
Rachel Farrall mailed us this submission
from Whitehorse, a new record for longdistance writing. Now that's the kind of
dedication I like to see ... of course, it
would have been nice to get it before the
deadline, but I guess that'd be too easy.
Date                               People / team
Cost / person
Rebate
Friday, September 14th           1
$10.00
$3.00
Saturday, September 15th       8
$ 3.75
$1.13
Saturday, September 15th        1
$ N/A
$N/A
Sunday, September 16th          1
$ 3.00
$ .90
Sunday, September 16th          1
$ 6.00
$1.80
Tuesday, September 18th        1
$  free
$N/A
Saturday, September 22nd      8
$ 8.75
$2.63
Les Aventures Fabuleuses de I'lncroyabje Thrud
(SEARCH FOR FtfTRATERREST-
PIAL   INTELLIGENCE)
THIS PROGRAM,   PARTIALLY
FUN DEti BY STEVEN SfieLBEP6,
HAS BffN USIN6 RACXO TEiecOPES
FOR MANY YEAR*. TO  ATTEMPT
TO FIND SI6N4   OF CIVILIZATIONS
ON OTHER WORLDS.
SO TAB, N0THIM6 HAS TORNEf
up.  saemKTs feel there
ABE TWSte   POSSIBLE   AWSUEfcS
To THf QUESTION :
"WHERE   ARE   THE   ALIENS?-
$•
THERE ARE NO AueWS,
AND HUMANS ARE IWc
ONLY (k)T£U_l6£NT HFE
IN THE   COSMOS.
^-^     THERE ARC ALIENS,       1
<7(A° BUT  THEY ARE  AVOIDING
^^^yooNT GO ^H
~. \.   / Tuefte. the   y^r
^       "HFOOD'S AWFUl.^^
^V j>
That's Trivial!
Easy ... two points each:
1. Name the four elements.
2. Name the seven planets.
3. What's 4261 in Babylonian numerals?
4. What do hippogriffs eat?
5. How does a trebuchet differ from
a catapult?
6. When was the Crab Nebula
Supernova observed on Earth?
7. What's 4 in Roman numerals?
8. Aristotle described what organ to
be the seat of "nervous functions
in general"?
9. When turning lead into gold, one
observes the reaction pass through
four colours. In order, which ones?
10.     Who first suggested the existence
of atoms?
Medium ...fourpoints each:
11. Name the four humours (lpt each).
12. What's the first sentence of the
Hippocratic Oath?
13. Who invented algebra, and in
what book was it first detailed?
14. What was the first figure calculated for the Earth's diameter?
15. Accordingtomyth.whatdidOrion
do to get to be a constellation?
Hard... seven points each:
16. Name the seven metals (lpt each).
17. Galileo did not at first resolve
rings around Saturn. What feature
did he describe instead?
18. What insect was said to be generated from decomposed horse?
19. Why do we eat applesauce with
pork chops?
20.      Name four astronomical observations aided by Stonehenge.
Bonus Question ... Tiebreaker:
A.      Translate these lab instructions
into contemporary Chemistry:
"It requires one thing, which everybody
knows. It is in many things, yet it is one
thing. It is found everywhere, yet it is
most precious. You must fix it and tame
it in the fire; you must make it rise, and
again descend. When conjunction has
taken place, straightway it is fixed. Then
it gives riches to the poor and rest to the
weary. The operation is good, if it become first dry and then liquid, and what
Rebis is, you will find in the practical part
of the work."
September 5,1090 More food (continued from page 1)...
Edibles
Location: In the basement of the Education, building, opposite room 9. Edibles is
a basic Food S ervices snack bar. It has no
particular specialties, but does manage to
live up to its name.
Owner: UBC Food Services
Hours: MTWTh, 7:45am - 6:30pm
F, 7:45am - 3:30pm
SaSu, closed
Biggest Advantage: It's little-known,
except by Education students, so the lines
are at a minimum.
Biggest Disadvantage: It's impossible
to find, and presents nothing unusual
when you've finally succeeded.
Best Item: If you're walking by and
hungry, it's got fairly satisfying fries.
Rating: **
The Faculty Club
Location: North end of Main Mall. This
is where most profs eat. The building
contains three restaurants: one fully-catered, special-event locale, one buffet,
and one cafeteria. Oddly, none of them
even approaches the best food around.
Owner: The Faculty Association
Hours: For students, none
Biggest Advantage:  Three different
styles of eating, all in one building housing (almost) nothing else.
Biggest Disadvantage: Students aren't
allowed inside.
Best Item: Hard to tell. Some of the daily
specials are excellent — but avoid the
fish sticks.
Rating: **
The Gallery Lounge
Location: Main floor of SUB. The Gallery's menu changes depending on the
time of day, starting out a sandwich restaurant, progressing to a pizza bar, and
finally ending up a... well, a lounge. Like
the Pit, the Gallery requires ID.
Owner: The AMS
Hours: MTWThF, 11:00am - 1:00am
Sa, 7:00pm - 1:00am
Su, closed
Biggest Advantage: The specialty sandwiches could be the best on campus, in a
neck-and-neck run with the Delly's —
but they're a la carte and fairly cheap.
Biggest  Disadvantage:   Many  lunch
hours, the Gallery gets extremely crowded
and lineups extend well outside the doors.
Best Item: Sandwiches are a la carte, so
choose your own favourite. Mine is
chicken breast on a sub bun with butter,
cream cheese, lettuce, tomato, alfalfa,
and pickles.
Rating: ***
IRC Snack Bar
Location: In IRC, far from the Woodward Library end. Another of Food Services' typical snack bars, the IRC Snack
Bar also sells prepackaged sandwiches.
Owner: UBC Food Services
Hours: MTWThF, 8:00am - 3:45pm
SaSu, closed
Biggest Advantage: If you're cramming
in Woodward, ibis is by far the closest
and most convenient place to stock up on
meals.
Biggest Disadvantage: If you're not
cramming in Woodward, it's a fair walk
without that much reward.
Best Item: See The Underground. What-
can you say about a snack bar?
Rating: **
The Pit Pub
Location: Basement of SUB. The Pit is
the campus pub, so if you're a minor, skip
this section. Rumours abound that they're
lax aboutID atlunchtime, but who knows.
Their grill offers fish & chips, burgers,
hot dogs, shrimp, fries, chili, and per-
ogies, just to name a few. Plenty of seating, but the lunch line is slow and long.
Owner: The AMS
Hours: MTWThFSa, 11:00am - 1:00am
Su, 12:C0pm - 12:00am
Biggest Advantage: The burger platters
are ridiculously cheap — we're talking a
burger and fries for three bucks. And the
fries are thick wedges, not the thin and
tasteless kind.
Biggest Disadvantage: You need I.D. to
get in. That eliminates about 20% of
students right there.
Best Item: The Burger Platter Special of
the Day.
Rating: ***
The Ponderasa Cafeteria
Location: The Ponderosa (Housing)
Building. When the Bus Stop and the
Express closed last, summer (they're
rebuilding the building), everything
moved in here, next door to the UBC
Food Services head offices. There's plenty
of seating, and a solid selection of snack
bar, burger bar, and assorted other types
of menu items.
Owner: UBC Food Services.
Hours: MTWThF, 7:30am - 3:30pm
SaSu, closed
Biggest Advantage: The menu makes an
appealing change from the Subway. It
may be less varied, but the restaurant's
better at what it does.
Biggest Disadvantage: Nothing really
to speak of.
Best Item: The burgers are well-made.
Rating: ****
Roots
Location: The Forestry building. The
432 didn't manage to get anyone out that
far to review Roots, so we only have the
dry facts.
Owner: UBC Food Services
Hours: MTWThF, 8:00am - 2:30pm
SaSu, closed
Snack Attack
Location: Basement of SUB. Snack Attack sells malts, muffins and hot dogs —
big and tasty ones, about as good as hot
dogs ever get. The prices are reasonable
and the selection wide.
Owner: The AMS
Hours: MTWThF, 8:00am - 7:00pm
SaSu, 10:30am - 7:00pm
Biggest Advantage: Cheap hot dogs
made, steamed and topped right in front
of you.
Biggest Disadvantage: If you don't want
a muffin, a hot dog, or a malt, you're out
of luck.
Best Item: Large Pizza Dog for under
three bucks. A meal in itself.
Rating: ***
Tortellini's
Location: Basement of SUB. The butt of
all food jokes on campus, Tortellini's
(which specializes in pasta) is also known
as Torturellini's or Mortallini's. Along
with a selection of muffins and a salad
bar, there are a number of pasta dishes at
reasonable prices, plus a cheap and tasty
breakfast. Be warned: the sauces can
sometimes be watery and the recipes are
never consistent. They change faster than
the University and Wesbrook stop light.
Owner: The AMS
Hours: MTWThF, 7:00am - 10:00pm
SaSu, 8:00am - 9:00pm
Biggest Advantage: Fast lines.
Biggest Disadvantage: The food quality
has no regularity whatsoever. Proceed at
your own risk.
Best Item: Breakfast. Ham, eggs, toast,
and hash browns for $2.95 — and the
hash browns can't be beat anywhere.
Rating: **
Subway Cafeteria
Location: Main floor of SUB. While the
Subway buffet has a wide selection, the
prices are usually very high, save for a
few select items. And although there's
tons of seating available, it's packed at
lunch. The lineups, on the other hand,
move generally quickly. The Subway
offers a grill, desserts, an Asian Bar, an
Italian Bar, a salad bar, plus both prepackaged and specialty, made-while-you-
wait sandwiches, to name a few.
Owner: UBC Food Services
Hours: MTWTh, 7:30am - 7:00pm
F, 7:30am - 3:30pm
Sa, 10:00am - 2:30pm
Su, closed
Biggest Advantage: The variety. This is
one restaurant you can't exhaust within a
week.
Biggest Disadvantage: Immense cost-
to-serving-size ratio.
Best Item: The Chow Mein is cheap and
tasty.
Rating: **
The Underground
Location: In the study area just outside
the doors to Sedgewick Library. The
Underground has cold sandwiches and
drinks, and basic snack bar fare.
Owner: UBC Food Services
Hours: MTWTh, 8:30am - 9:30pm
F, 8:30am - 4:30pm
Sa, closed
Su, 11:00am-9:30pm
Until October 8th, the Underground closes at 4:30pm every day.
Biggest Advantage: Its central location.
Biggest Disadvantage: Extremely slow
service creates always long lineups.
Best Item: What can you say about a
snack bar? Personally, I like the cans of
A&W root beer.
Rating: **
Yum-Yum's
Location: Basement of the Old Auditorium, between the Math and the Music
buildings. Situated in what was once the
only cafeteria on campus, there's plenty
of seating space plus a few video games
in the back. Yum Yum's offers both
Chinese food and a sandwich bar.
Owner: UBC Food Services
Hours: MTWThF, 7:45am - 3:45pm
SaSu, closed
Biggest Advantage: Until 2:30 every
day, you can get a sizeable three-item
plate of Chinese food for only $3.25. The
food is surprisingly good, especially for a
UBC Food Services outlet.
Biggest Disadvantage: The lineups are
usually long.
Best Item: For just over a buck, you get
a whopping egg roll stuffed with beef.
Rating: ****
Restaurants in the Village
Location: Among the shops at the corner
of University Boulevard and Western
Parkway. There are two pizza places,
Domino's and UBC Pizza, and two Chinese food restaurants, the Red Leaf and
the Hong Kong Kitchen. AH provide good
food, better (and usually cheaper) than is
available actually on campus. Unfortunately , it'S quite a walk to get to them, and
generally eats up more than an hour of
your time.
Biggest Advantage: Good food.
Biggest Disadvantage; The walk.
Rating: ***
Bagged Lunch
Location: Wherever.
Owner: Independent
Hours: 24 a day, 7 days a week
Biggest Advantage: Much cheaper than
any restaurant food.
Biggest Disadvantage: Takes work.
Best Item: Whatever.
Rating: ****
In Summary
Arts 200
Buchanan        ***
The Barn
The Barn         ***
Blue Chip Cookies
SUB                  **
The Delly
SUB              ****
Edibles
Education         **
The Faculty Club
Faculty Club     **
The Gallery Lounge
. SUB               ***
IRC Snack Bar
IRC                  **
The Pit
SUB                ***
Ponderosa Cafeteria Pond            ****
Snack Attack
SUB               ***
Subway
SUB                 **
Tortellini's
SUB                 **
The Underground
Sedgewick       **
Yum Yum's
Audit           ****
Best Restaurant:
Yum Yum's
Worst Restaurant
Tortellini's
Epilogue...
This article isn't complete without a mention of the famous UBC Cinnamon buns.
Sold at all UBC Food Services outlets, these monster pastries are easily the best cinnamon buns in the city — and you'd be hard pressed to find a group where the majority doesn't agree. As a snack, you can't beat it. It's cheap (950), filling, and easily
carried about or devoured in class. Five stars.
The 432
September 5,1990 Dik Miller, Private Eye
When last we left our intrepid hero, he
was perched — with his Raleigh mountain bike—atop an ominous black sedan
speeding westward on University Boulevard. How he got there is a bit complicated. (Actually I'm just too lazy to tell
you again.) So go back and read your
copy of The Guide to find out. Now on
with the story.
So there I was: perched atop an ominous
black sedan speeding westward on University Boulevard — not an ideal position in any situation, but particularly disconcerting because the people in the sedan had been trying to kill me mere moments before It was unlikely that they
would stop now.
My suspicion was that the occupants werehitmen (sorry, hiipeople) hired
by the Death to Humanity by Slow Environmental Degradation Coalition
(D.H.S.E. D.C. for not-so-short) to deal
with me. I had become one of the
D.H.S.E.D.C.'s primary targets after
leaving my job as a UBC Physical Plant
worker to return to my previous career as
a private detective, vowing to put a stop
to their activities.
Therefore, in addition to getting
me to UBC more quickly than I had
intended, this car trip was very likely to
get me rather dead. That is, if the people
inside had noticed where I went. It had
been several minutes since my arrival on
their roof and they still hadn't done anything. I was getting strange looks from
bystanders, however.
Since it was rather difficult to remain balanced on my bicycle while on
top of the car, I stepped off and lay my
bike down carefully on the roof, then
crouched down beside it. I could only
hope that the vehicle didn't make any
quick tur—
About two seconds later I was hanging in
the limp foliage of a tree en the median
between the Chemistry-Physics building
and the Bookstore, while the sedan went
barreling along East Mall toward B-lot.
Having accompanied me in being hurled
from the roof, my bike, not much worse
for wear, was on the road in front of me,
but before I could extricate myself from
the vegetation a Physical Plant dump
truck drove by and mashesd it into an
unrecognizable heap of twisted metal.
Yes! At last! For all of you who've been waiting years and years forthechance!
Now's your opportunity to get your very own official
DIK MILLER™ MERCHANDISE!
Exclusively through this offer, presented in conjunction with The
432, you can now order handy, multipurpose tools which will
solve your emotional problems, recharge your self-esteem, and
make you infinitely attractive to members of the opposite sex!
(They're really useful for unclogging drains and fixing light
switches too.)
All merchandise comes either in kit form or, for complete technical dunderheads, fully assembled, and accompanied by a completely free Dik Miller™
action poster or sweatband. Here's just part of our product line:
Item Kit
Assembled
Dik Miller™ veggie slicer/
grenade launcher/nail file      $39.95
Dik Miller™ can opener/
grappling hook/notepad        $59.63
Dik Miller™ phone cord untangler/
universal decryption device/
ish sealer/doorstop $95.95
Dik Miller™ paperweight $ 2.50
$ 69.98
$ 88.21
$123.80
N/A
(Prices do not include 7% provincial tax, 7% GST, or bribes [negotiable].)
YES! Rush me the following official Dik Miller™ merchandise:
I would like the (check one):
r
Dik Miller™ action poster
Dik Miller'™ sweatband
Please also send me the Dik Miller™ official product catalogue
(check here):
Over 200 items in seven fashion colours!
Clip this coupon and send it to us with your name and address (and a certified
cheque). Please call for our mailing address. Void where prohibited. Offer not
available to residents of B.C. (British Columbia or Baja California).
So much for kindness from former employers, I mused.
Somehow the hiipeople in the
automobilehad failed to see my unplanned
and overly hasty departure, or had chosen
to ignore it. But where were they headed?
And what was D.H.S.E.D.C. up to? And
why is it that stories like this never seem
to be getting anywhere but just use spectacular stunts and car chases in place of
real drama and character development?
I dusted myself off and headed for
the SUB. I needed a beer.
"Hold it right there, Mr. Miller,"
said a sultry female voice from behind
me. I turned to see a ravishingly beautiful
woman clad in a fur coat (strange, since it
was sunny and 28 degrees out) and a
stylish,European-designed hatof the sort
the Queen would never be seen in, standing on the grass pointing one of those tiny
pistols that only ravishingly beautiful
women clad in fur coats point at private
detectives.
"You know," I said, "an innocent
animal died to make that coat."
"Yes, I do know," she replied. "I
killed it myself."
That was not the response I had
expected. "I assume you want me to follow you to a dark, dungeon-like area
where some anonymous man will point a
bright light at me and ask me questions."
The sides of her mouth pulled
themselves into what might be construed
as a grin. "Actually, I was just going to
shoot you."
That would be inconvenient.
"Wouldn' t you rather dothat somewhere
a little less ... ah ... exposed?"
Somehow the word "exposed"
seemed to trigger something in her mind.
"Very well then." She waved the pistol.
"Walk that way, please."
She really didn't need to say
"please," since it clashed a bit with the
fact that she was pointing a gun at me. I
had no nifty Dik Miller™ escape devices
on hand, so I complied.
About twenty minutes later we were still
walking, just reaching theend of the main
Tower Beach trail and stepping out into
the sunlight.
"Stop, please," she said. This
"please" was starting to bother me. I
stopped. "Please remove your clothes."
"What?!" I asked incredulously,
whirling around and gasping.
She wasn't wearing anything beneath the fur coat, which lay on the sand
in a pile. "I said, 'Please remove your
clothes.' "
"I will do no such thing," I
snapped, regaining my composure.
"Remove your clothes or I will
shoot you right now."
She was becoming more convincing. I reached down to untie my shoe just
as I heard a distant shout:
"Hey! That guy's wearing
clothes!"
I looked up to see a frighteningly
large mob of people wearing nothing but
running shoes accelerating toward us.
This may be the first and last time
the Wreck Beach Nudity Enforcement
Patrol saves my life, I thought.
The woman glanced to her right,
her eyes widening. "Damn," she hissed.
While she was distracted, I brought my
right foot up and kicked the pistol from
her hand. It went sailing high into the air
and landed in the sea with a light"ploosh."
Good kick, I thought.
"Agh!" the woman screamed. "My
favourite gun!"
I ran for it.
Talk about a cliff hanger, eh? Tune in next
issue for another exciting (yeah sure)
installment of Dik Miller, Private Eye!
Or don t! I don t care! I don t getpaidfor
this anyway!
Derek K. Miller edited this paper two
whole years ago, and somehow we're
still managing to blackmail him for new
Dik Miller™ stories. I mean, he's not
even an undergraduate anymore—heck,
or still in Science! This must really be
some dirt. Heh heh. Heh.
Senate Shorts
- by Orvin Lau -
In terms of Senate news, well, nothing
much has happened lately. At all. For that
matter, our last meeting was in May. But
with school starting up again, there will
quickly be stuff on Senate's agenda —
during the school year, it meets once a
month.
Our fifst meeting of the session is
on Wednesday, September 12, at 8 pm.
At the time of this writing, I haven't
received my agenda package yet, so I
can'tsay what's going on. You'll have to
find out for yourself by attending. Yes,
the meetings are open to the public, and
they are held in room 102 of the Law
Building, but consider yourself warned:
don't do this unless you are truly interested.
For those of you who want to
contact me, I can be found at the SUS
office from time to time — every Thurs
day from 12:30 to 1:20pm for certain, and
whenever else I happen to be by. I will
also be setting up office hours at the AMS
Offices — SUB Room 262 to be specific
— which I'll announce later. I can be
reached by mail via SUB Box 154 or, for
those with E-mail access, by posting to
<oIau@undergrad.cs.ubc.ca>.
If you want to talk about anything
to do with academics (problems, concerns, general chit-chat, whatever), just
come and see me; I don't care what faculty you're in. Speak to me especially if
it's something to do with teaching quality
or evaluations — that's the big area I'm
working on.
Next issue: what happened at the
Senate meeting.
Orvin Lau is theScience Student Senator.
Anything he writes can and will be used
against him. It's a harsh world.
The 432
September 5,1990 How I
Spent My
Summer
Vacation
- by Ari Giligson (grade 4)-
From May until August this year, I worked
in a Microbi lab as an NSERC summer
student. I didn'tgetpaid particularly well
(I could easily have grabbed an office job
that paid 40% more). I usually came in at
8:40 and left around 5:40 and sometimes
had to come in for a lew minutes on
Saturdays.
Doesn't sound like a particularly
good job — you may say. But, let me
hasten to add, my hours were flexible to
the breaking point: I could leave work at
noon, for example, and not come back
until 6:00pm. I could generally take an
hour for lunch, or often more. I got to
work on my own mini-research project,
and probably cost the lab more on experimental supplies than I earned in my full
four months there.
The people I worked with were
great to gel along with, lots of fun, and
extremely helpful. My supervisor was
easygoing and understanding. I got my
own desk and workbench, and managed
to learn much more than a mere lab course
could ever offer.
And to top it off, I got paid for it.
So now what do you say? Interested? Well, there's just one catch. You
have to apply for award money from
NSERC so far ahead of time that they
look at your previous year's marks —
which have to be at least a B average,
Especially if you are seriously
considering a career in Science, I strongly
recommend doing some actual lab work
to make up your mind. If you think you
qualify, and tire more curious about how
real "Science" and "Scientists" work than
courses can leach you, then look around
for NSERC Undergraduate application
notices in your department around October or November, or ask your departmental advisor. The grants usually go to students who will be just completing their
second or third year.
So that was my summer vacation.
I had fun.
Frosh hood 101
- by Orvin Lau -
Overwhelmed? I was. It's quite a change
from high school, and the shock's even
worse if you're from outof town. Having
survived my first year, I thought I'd pass
on a few hints on coping with life as a
frosh.
Books: $$$$$. You'll be spending a lot
of that. Just looking at the prices can
make you feel faint, so stock up on carbohydrates before visiting the Bookstore.
Someone's obviously making a killing.
And as for study guides, there are better
things to do with your money. Just think
— are you really going to spend extra
time doing extra work from one of these?
Ha! Trust me: you'll have lost more than
enough sleep working through the main
text before you even get to it.
Drinks: Anything with caffeine in it will
prove to be the highest form of liquid
inspiration, and you'll find yourself
reaching for it often. It may prove to be
theonly way to stay awakeforthat8:30am
class.
Asforplacss thatservebzzr, don't
have a cow if you get asked for ID. (My
apologies to tho:se who hate Bart
Simpson.) Why? The people who run
Bzzr Gardens are scared of the Student
Administrative Commission (SAC),
which usually sends spies to make sure
no rules are broken ... which in turn is
because SAC is running scared of the
RCMP, which also* sometimes sends spies.
So the rules tend Ito get enforced, and if
you're under 19, well, you'll just have to
wait.
What is bzzr, incidentally? What's
wrong with the leitter 'e' anyhow? Well,
somewhere, someplace, some bylaw
prohibits beer the .name of a popular malt
beverage from apjpearing in advertising.
Sleep: Never enough. Sedgewick's one
of my favourite places for it; to find out,
you'll have to go se?e for yourself. It might
become one of yoiPrs as well.
Life's rathe* topsy-turvy out here:
first you'll start to work at night, and fall
asleep in class, anci soon, you'll learn to
forget going to cla»ss altogether. With a
class of 200, no prof's going to bother
taking attendance -— however, skipping
classes can be hazardous to one's academic health. Do sP at your own risk.
MAS "Briefs
ol Caspar uYqOeVag«:'M,ifli\-r>c. Really.
This is about as brief as you can get:
The Global Development Centre (GDC) lost out in its bid to get office
space in the SUB concourse. There was
lots of mudslinging (particularly in letters in The Ubyssey) between the GDC
and members of the AMS Executive and
Council. We all got reailly tired of it.
Budget Committee had credibility
problcms too.
AMS Execs both attended and
hosted national student conferences,
hoping to organize a new national student
union or reorganize the old one.
The UBC Administration is
raising B-lot rates (to 15 cents an hour)
and trying to remove the AMS's (ie.
The 432
students') half of the control of the Aqua tic
Centre. And with their student fees not
collected for them, the Engineers now
have no funds for the potlatch they are
supposed to organize.
There is now a paper recycling
program in SUB, with aluminum can
recycling already underway through the
Games Room. In the works are a health
plan referendum proposal and a walk
home program to escort students to their
cars or residences at night.
Finally, a special AMS General
Meeting will be held during the barbecue
on Maclnnes field on Friday the 7th.
Talk to Trent Hammer for more
information on upcoming AMS issues, or
attend one of the Council meetings.
Lastly, sleep is one thing you
should definitely get before exams.
Exams: For those of you from BC — the
Provincials were nothing. Final exams
usually count for anywhere from 50% to
100% of your mark, and almost always
follow a horribly inconvenient schedule.
This is not the place to screw up.
Midterms I wouldn't worry about
so much. They're worth marks, sure, but
not so many of them. In Chemistry, for
instance, it's a joke. On the other hand,
they're good indicators of what you do
and don't know. If you can't handle the
midterm, you'll dieon the final, but if you
ace it, you'll know you can relax a bit.
Don't be stupid. Don't cheat. If
you get caught, you can kiss any chance
of a post-secondary education goodbye...
Social Life: Attention all introverts, study
freaks and keeners — get onel There are
taxi drivers out there with Ph.D.'s; their
lack of success is not due to a lack of
intelligence.
The problem with a.social life is
that UBC has too much going on. You're
going to miss most of it, so choose carefully — try coming out to an SUS event!
Med Wannabes: Unless you have excellent grades, forget Med school. You'll
know for sure when your Christmas exam
marks trickle in. If you're the resume-
filler type — forget it, man. As if Med
school invigilators haven'tseen itbefore.
. I hate Med school resume-fillers.
Politics: No, you don't have to be of
voting age to vote in an election. If you
have a library card, yes, you're eligible
— you can vote! Which means ... that's
right, every student can vote!
It's amazing, you know ... students usually don't bother voting, and
then they bitch when they get screwed
around. Wow.
It's a good idea generally to know
what's going on. Politics doesn't mean
you have to get involved at all — just
vote. And know what you're voting about.
There are students who must walk
around campus with thick blindfolds on,
because they know nothing of what's
happening out here despite the massive
bombardment of information all around
them. Please, don't be one of them. The
world's got enough.
There's so much more I can say, but I'll
undoubtedly end up droning on... and on
... and — augh! I'm already doing it!
More briefly, then, make the best of your
first year — and hopefully you won't
have to repeat it.
Orvin Lau, despite surviving First Year,
remains blissfully ignorant of the slime
pit called Second. He's usually grinning,
as a matter of fact, which by this time
could only be a congenital disorder or a
symptom of an incurable desire to be a
Hostess Twinkie.
Elections!
TM
Yes, as seen in The Guide, genuine SUS elections™
are coming up soon — and you too can be part of the
fun and excitement!
We need people — two first year reps, and three each from
second, third, and fourth years. And that's not all! Every department has a voice on the SUS Council too, through its soon-to-
be-elected™ departmental rep!
So get out and get nominated! Make your voice heard!
Live the experience of a lifetime! And all you have to do
is just turn the page and clip on the dotted line for your
very own 1990-91 Science Undergraduate Society Year
& Departmental Rep Elections™ Nomination Form!
'I did it. You can too!"
-Catherine Rankel, SUS President
"It's easy and fun besides!"   -Caireen Hanert, SUS Internal Vice
President
"Well, I suppose you can if you want to. I've never won an
election™ in my life. I'm zero for five now ... maybe I'll try for
AMS President next year."    -David W. New, 432 Editor
Elections™ happen Friday, September 28th in a
building near you! Get your nomination form in by
Wednesday the 19th, and you too can have your very
own name printed right there on the ballot!
Election, elections, and elected are trademarks of the United Nations. Used by permission.
September 5,1990 CIENCE SALE
Science Windbreakers  only $35.00!
Science Sweatpants ...only $16.00!
Science Sweaters  only $10.00!
Science Wool Cardigans only $33.00!
Science Acrylic Cardigans... only $10.00!
Science T-Shirts ....only $ 5.50!
Offer good ^^ I —-^ Sale ends
while supplies y ^X September
a     /       Paper Sale!       \    2
400 sheets — $2.00
The Back
-To-The-
Grind Sale
NOMINATION   FORM    FOR    THE
SCIENCE   UNDERGRADUATE    SOCIETY
NAME  OP   CANDIDATE:	
YEAR:   DEPARTMENT:
STUDENT   NO.
ADDRESS:
TELEPHONE   NO._
I   am aware   of   my  nomination  and   willing   to   run   for   election   for   the
position   of    ._
We--, the
Society, n
date
undersigned, bona f
ordinate
siqnature
ide members of the Science U
for the position of
name
ndergraduate
student number
1
2
3
4
5
5
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
IS
1
17
'                   i                             !
18
i         !
i                       i
15     is,   the  minimum  number   o£   signers   required
The 432
Physsoc is entering the
public sector!
And you can get a piece of it right now, in this special one-time-
qnly offer! Buy now and receive one single membership* from the
oneand only Physics Society of UBC.
Now, you may think that with your membership you get only
the world-famous Physsoc study carrel and a membership card.
But did you know that you also get a fully stocked library,and a
lounge with ratty chesterfields? It's true.
.   But wait!
That's not all! If you buy now, we give you the rights to use the
Physsoc fridge and the neighbouring Physsoc microwave! How
much do you think this would cost you if you had to buy each one
separately? A thousand dollars? Two?
But wait! There's even more!
What if we told you we'd throw in free tutoring in Physics, Math,
Chemistry and the ancient Japanese art of Haiku? Now what would
you be willing to pay? Ten thousand dollars? Twenty thousand
dollars? Well, we are prepared to offer you all this and more for just
five dollars, even throwing in cheap donuts and coffee every
morning! Yes, this can all be yours, and all for a sawbuck! Come
and join the oldest Science Club left on campus!
Physsoc.
Phood, pholks,** and phun***.
Hennings 307.
"Open to all students, regardless of faculty, department, creed, colour, odour.
"Especially the Physsoc exec. The top three are total foxes. Woo woo.
"'Except the PR Officer. Frosh be warned. He bites.
September 5,1990

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