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The 432 Sep 8, 1993

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 SUS BZZR. GARDEN SEPT 8 AT 4:32 IN THE PARTYROOM! JOY!
A journalistic trad—
(What? Ohy alright...)
A tradition since 1987.
(Happy?)
Volume 7 No 1
Official Collector s
"Excl.amation-M.ark
Overdose" Issue!
8 September '93
NASA's Mars Probe Found!
Observer satellite provides vital clue to ancient cosmic mystery!
 Kevin Phillips Bong
Roving Correspondent
VANCOUVER—In one of modern science's most significant discoveries this century, the mystery
of the ill-fated Mars satellite has
been solved—and has inadvertently answered one of the most
compelling questions of our time.
The satellite, which was the
centerpiece of NASA's latest effort
to further investigate the planet
Mars, began experiencing transmission problems during its
approach to the planet about a
month ago. Shortly thereafter,
contact was lost with the probe.
Its whereabouts had baffled
project supervisors until yesterday, when Grand Forks, BC
housewife Betty Sue Popovich
reported having found a "strange-
lookin' contraption the size of
Raymond Burr" in her laundry
hamper. NASA officials, have
since confirmed that the object is
indeed the satellite.
How it got there was initially
unclear, until technical workers
made a momentous discovery.
Entangled within the main antenna array was one grey sock,
marked "Wheelerblooie A 07".
Further testing on the socle
revealed that it had been d amaged
by molecular particle bombardment typical of solar wind. The
sock had indeed been in space.
It was at this point that Dr,
Winston Wheelerblooie, world-
renowned authority on hyperspace phenomena, stepped forward to solve the mystery. He
identified the sock as one of a
series that he had used in his initial ground-breaking hyperspace
experiments, as published in Volume 5 of The 432 in 1991. The
sock had been placed in an isolated clothes dryer, and had iaexjjli-
GoSH "DAJiN'iT: Usually media-shy, we caught Specimen Wheelerblooie
A-07    in a contemplative moment following its interplanetary ordeal.
cably disappeared.
The disappearance of socks
from dryers is a worldwide mystery that has vexed people the
world over, and now appears to
have been resolved. "Those socks
are most likely reappearing somewhere over Mars," explained Dr.
Wheelerblooie, "and the satellite
must have accidentally strayed
into the opening."
The discovery of the sock bears
enormous implications for Dr,
Wheelerblooies theory. "What
this means," he explained, "is that
the wormhole into which the
sock disappeared may be travelled
in either direction. The hole
apparently has numerous entry /
exit points here on Earth, including Mrs. Popovich's dryer. This is
consistent with the many reports
of sock disappearances around the
globe."
NASA has declared the incident "a great day for science."
They added that "in the grand,
time-honored tradition of scientific discovery, we found out
something useful completely by
accident."
Plans are already afoot to further research the phenomenon,
including an attempt to send the
first astronaut through Mrs.
Popovich's dryer next March.
Furthermore, the agency's
manned mission to Mars, slated
for early next century, will be
expanded to allow for experimentation and sock retrieval. Lost
socks may be claimed at the
Kennedy Space Centre, Cape
Canaveral, FL., as of March 15,
2006.
In related Dow Jones news,
General Motors stock dropped
several points, from $232.34 per
share to 23 cents. GM officials
refused to speculate on any connection between the two events,
and added that rumours of
attempts of a hostile takeover of
NASA were "rubbish".
New SUS
Logo!
Test marketing deals a swift and mortal blow to "Molson Dry Ice" beer.
After multiple false-
starts and abortive
attempts to find a replacement logo, the one at right
was finally selected this
summer to replace our
elderly and moderately
disliked insignia. Just Call Me Caesar
Ryan
McCUAIG
Ah. First article of the year.
Always a bit tough to
start off.
Well, why not start off with
the usual "welcome" to you
frosh who aren't familiar
enough with us to sic the guys
in white coats on us, and
"welcome back" to those
who're returning and haven't
figured out how we got away
rrom them last year.
Unless things change radically between press and distribution times, we're now the
biggest AMS-affiliated newspaper. A certain unnamed but
roundly disliked paper (hint:
rhymes with "Foobyssey") was
finally "dealt with", and is
currenly in rehab. Read
Graeme's article on it in this
ish if you're interested. But, I
can now say without a hint of
smugness: Ahahahhahahaha!
We win! Our paper's better
than their paper! Nyah!
(Much confetti, general
obnoxious carrying-on).
Let's just take a quick
review of The 432 for the
benefit of those who are—
again—not familiar enough
with it to notify proper
authorities:
The 432 is UBC's School of
Satire, entering its seventh
year of publication. I am its
Senior Resident Coordinating
Editorial Superintendant-in-
Chief and Grando Fromaggio.
(I was just 'editor last year,
but I felt it was time for a promotion). My buddy Rog is
the Junior VaguaJy-Resident
Colour-Coordinated-And-
Actually-Once-Dressed-Exact-
ly-Like-A-Carrot Assistant
Editorial Type-For-Life and
Polio Pericoloso. We're the ones
that hang around at three in
the morning trying to ensure
that things don't get too serious around here, with the
assistance of various underlings.
Don't ask us where the
name came from. The guy
who came up with it, past editor Derek Miller, doesn't even
know. There are any number
of theories, the most popular
ones being:
a) that there are four hundred
thirty-two elementary particles;
b) that the wavelength of blue
light (one of the Science
colours) is 432 nm;
c) that four hundred thirty-
two plus two hundred thirty-four is six hundred
sixty-six (!);
d) that four hundred thirty-
two is the circumference in
centimetres of former president extraordinaire Todd
Ablett;
e) that it's the number of
times former editor Aaron
Drake has told the world
in print that he once ran
naked around the halls of
Hennings during the Physsoc Olympics;
f) that four hundred thirty-
two is the circumference in
centimetres of former editor Aaron Drake's head
when fully inflated.
But enough about The 432.
Let's talk about me for a
while.
You are currently witnessing the start of my second
year as editor of this rag, and
there are a number of things
I'm hoping to do this year so's
I can feel somewhat better
about spending so damned
much time on this thing.
First, I'm hoping that this is
the year that The 432 jumps
the bounds of the UBC campus. I'm trying to work out an
arrangement with some
friends of mine at the U of A
for electronic transmittal of
The 432. We ship it, they
print it. Amazingly enough,
ewe of eh? students seem to
get a real kick out this thing,
in spite of not understanding
half the jokes. I experimented
with sending them a few hundred copies to put in their
SUB. They were gone in an
hour. So, if anyone wants to
help me with my grandiose
notions of creating a national
satire paper, come on down.
The more people and the bigger we get, the sooner the
internal political turmoil,
bribery, graft, embezzlement,
HOENIG'S FIRST LAW
If something's on a roll,
chances are it's going downhill.
and all that other stuff can
start.
Also, the AMS has its own
Internet Gopher now, and
they've agreed to let us post
some stuff on it, including
articles from The 432. For
those who aren't familiar with
Gophers, they're essentially an
electronic information service.
The University uses theirs to
post such things as exam
schedules, university policies,
and other such mundane
stuff. The beauty of the system is that the information is
accessible anywhere that you
can connect to the Internet.
So, say that you were on
exchange in... well, how
about Copenhagen? If you
were able to get a computer
and a connection, you can
still get most of your beloved
432. I'll try to work out a
scheme to include some cartoons as well, but for the
moment we'll just go with all
the articles. Ah, the wonder of
computers. Today, Buchanan.
Tomorrow, the world! Ahaha!
(drool). AAAAAhahaha!
Even though I'm much
taller than most people bent
on world domination, I can't
do it alone. So, it's once again
time to grovel for help. If you
understand The Far Side without undue mental strain,
you've got all the sense of
humour we need. The rest is a
matter of polishing. So if
you're interested in writing or
cartooning, just throw something together, bring it down
to SUS and talk to me. Or, if
basements don't appeal to
you, go see Roger up in the
AMS offices. If you're interested in being trained in photography, darkroom technique
and electronic image editing,
The 432 will be purchasing a
few PhotoSoc press passes this
year for staff use.
Despite rumours to the
contrary and a few isolated
incidents, working on The
432 is not hazardous to your
health. I only had one morning after a production night
last year when I inadvertently
shaved my teeth. My roommate only flushed his electric
razor down the toilet once last
year. Really. These are isolated, unrelated occurrences.
Hey, put the phone down.
I've already got a straitjacket... Hey...
Ryan can be contacted at
822 4235 or at 228 4141. No
sudden loud noises, please.
A MESSAGE FROM
THE OFFICE OF
THE DEAN OF SCIENCE
We would like to welcome all Faculty of Science new and returning students to UBC. The
Office of the Dean of Science is available to
assist you and make your 1993/94 academic session worry-free.
Our office hours are:
Mon-Thurs      9:00—12:00 and 1:00—3:30
Fri 9:00—12:00 only
Alternately, you can call us at 822 3820.
Senior Faculty Advisors are available to see students; first come, first served. A weekly schedule (which can change frequently) is posted
outside the office. We also post up-to-date information regarding course withdrawal dates,
change of registration procedures and other
information which will be helpful to students
throughout the ye.ar. So, come by to see us or
just come to read our notice boards. We will also
publish helpful information from time to time in
The 432.
We wish you well on your studies this year.
Office of the Dean
Faculty of Science
Rm 1507 Biological Sciences Building
6270 University Boulevard
Vancouver, B.C. V6T 1Z4
The Science Undergraduate Society Presents:
the first-ever
IS  ArVYBO^DY
OUT     /%>^
thereWv. "V
BZZR
GARDEN
Wed Sep 8th 4:32pm
SUB PARTYROOM
The beverages will be dispensed in exchange for
one measly dollar,
By the way, you wltt be. pte&etf to know- r&& in an effort to be fiscally tespoftstble and avoid
controversy, we rejected naming ftss the Virgin beer garden*. Consider yourselves in good hand*. Ryan McCuaig
Senior Resident Coordinating
Editorial Supcrintendant-In-Chief
and Grdrtdo Fromdggio
Roger Watts
Junior Vaguely-Resident Calou,--
Coordinated-And-Actually-Oncs-
Dressed-Exactly-rLike-A-Carror
Assistant Editor Type-Por-Life
and Potto Pencetoso
CONTRIBUTORS
Leona "Hiya!" Adams, Janice
"Peaches" Boyle, Kevan "Fireball"
Dettlcbach, Mark "What?!"
Hoenig, Graeme "Are You On
Something?" Kennedy, Dr Barry
"Always Really Nice To SUS And
They Do Realty Appreciate It"
McBride, Sarah "fctWRight
Cross* Thornton, Delwin
"Yelwin" Yung.
Thanks, guys.
SUS EXECUTIVE 1993-94
Sarah Thornton, President
I^urie Yee, Internal VP
Steve Coleman, External VP
Jason S Holmes, Dir/Finanee
Ryan McCuaig, Dir/Publicatiors
Delwin Yung, Dir/Sports
Morie Chen, Secretary
Graeme Kennedy, PRO
Mart Brear, Social Coordinator
AND NOW, A BRIEF WORD..
FROM YOUR ExVP. WHY
HERE' WHY NOT? THIS IS A
HIGHLY UNDERRATED
SPACE IN MOST PUBLICATIONS, YOU KNOW...
Welcome to the first, and
probably last of the Social Diseasi's
column to be written by your
ExVP, Steve Coleman. I'm filling
in for the future regular columnist
Matt Brfcfcr, currently consulting
with John Cambc(l-DinkW>ein»iar-
Smkh in a Tibetan prison over the
possibility of his early parole in
time for the 94-95 season. Either
that or he's passed out in a ditch
somewhere. Wc' re not sure.
SUS has decided to take this
opportunity to give students a
choice in the way they spend the ir
first Wednesday night of the new
year by having—yes that's right—
a bar garden—in the SUB Party-
room on the night of Wednesday,
September 8 at 4:32 pm. What
would you tike to do:
a) spend eight exciting hours in
line at the Pit, pay exorbitant
prices for flat drinks, wait in line
again after the fire alarm has been
pulled (this time waiting at the
side door in the rain), get back
inside only to find your bzzr lias
been set free to take Out its ven-
gence in somebody else's blood
stream, alt the while watching ugly
slimy men hit on your girlfriend
(or skanky women flirt with your
boyfriend) and end up with your
walla void of all contents save for
that one unused condom, which'
will silently mock you for days, or
b) come to the SUS "fi Anybody Out TTiereT JJZZR CAR-
DEN—where you'll be able to get
in without wakttg twelve- houes or
bribing the bouncers. And if some
sick soul decides to steal your beer,
who cares? The next one's only a
buck. Sec ya there!
The Deans Genes
It is hard to believe but yes, it is September and it's time to begin the 1993-94 academic year. On
behalf of the Faculty of Science I want to welcome those of you who are returning and those
who are about to experience UBC for the first time. We are pleased that you have chosen UBC
and guarantee that we will be doing our best to provide a learning environment in which you can
realize your intellectual potential.
You are part of a great Faculty that is recognized internationally for the quality of its teaching
and research programs. I urge you to take full advantage of the educational opportunities that a
large, comprehensive University am offer. Work hard at your studies, get to know your professors,
your TA's and your fellow students and you will find that your university experience will be both
academically and personally rewarding.
Your number one priority must be your studies but do take time to enjoy the social, sport, and
other extracurricular opportunities available at UBC. Have a great year.
Mentoring: It isn't weird, okay?
For the last two years the
Fa.culty of Science has
sponsored a Mentor Program
for first year Science students.
In this program a faculty
member or graduate student
has served as a mentor for a
group of 3 to 5 first year students. Mentors are not tutots,
but help the first year students
adj-usLto UBC by providing
local knowledge of the University and Vancouver. Contact
with mentors allows first year
students to have personal contact with a senior person,
which is not always possible in
the large classes that they take.
This year the Mentor Program is being organized by
both the Science Undergraduate Society and the Faculty of
Science. Third and fourth year
science students will participate as mentors so that each
group of 4 to 5 first year
mentees will have an upper
class mentor and a faculty or
graduate student mentor. We
hope that this will provide an
additional dimension in the
continuum from first year to
faculty. The 4 to 5 first year
students in each group will
have similar timetables. We
hope this will promote study
groups within the mentor
groups. We are also planning
to organize some events for
mentors and mentees in conjunction with undergraduate
clubs.
Ideally mentors will meet
with their students as a group
two or three times per term. In
addition, we hope mentors will
make themselves available to
see students individually.
If you would like to participate in the program we will be
happy to have you. For more
information contact the Mentor Program (822 9012) or the
Science Undergraduate Society
(822 4235).
Martin Remembered...
Antonia Rozario
This summer a great man
died.
His name was Martin
Frauendorf and he was a good
friend of mine.
To simply say that Martin
was "well-liked" and "popular"
or that he "took part in University activities" would be a
great understatement. In fact,
Martin was much loved and
deeply admired by all his p::ers
and served as a highly visible
inspiration to everyone who
knew him.
I started being friends with
Martin in 1989. He was just
starting his term as Computer
Science Students' Society President and I was just taking
office as SUS External Vice
President.
From our first meeting,
Martin's warmth and sense of
humour attracted me. His
friendly unassuming personality and gentle helpful manner
appealed to me immediately,
and I looked forward to times
when I knew I would be seeing him.
As SUS External Vice, I
dealt with a lot of science
clubs and societies. My dealings with the CS3 were some
of the most memorable. I
remember numerous evenings
spent waiting for Martin in
the old CS3 office. He was
habitually late for meetings or
events, and presented no argument when his friends playfully mocked him for his tardi
ness.
Martin had many interests
and hobbies, the greatest of
which were music, astronomy,
sports, camping, and Star
Trek. Martin loved Asian culture as well, and went out of
his way to appreciate the many
wonders of the Orient.
As CS3 president, Martin
was outstanding. I remember
numerous conversations I had
with him about his concerns
for Computer Science students, and it seemed like all
his time on campus was spent
either attending classes or
working on CS3 activities. To
his credit, the Department of
Computer Science received
campus-wide recognition for
its involvement in parades,
sports, committees, and displays. He was also involved in
numerous other projects
involving Science Week, Graduation, bzzr gardens, and CS3
yearbooks. Martin loved doing
things for others and this,
combined with the pride he
took in his work, led to his
success.
As a son, brother and uncle,
Martin displayed a sense of
respect and maturity that was
very special and lovely to see.
He loved his family and home,
and often shared his sentiments with friends. In particular, he cherished being a
brother and took the responsibility of setting a good example very seriously, being a good
listener and offering assistance
whenever possible.
Martin Frauendorf
1964-1993
At Martin's funeral, many
old friends commented on the
shock and disbelief that has
accompanied his passing. I
also have yet to come to terms
with my anger and grief about
his death. Martin's love of life
filled me with calmness and
joy, and I enjoyed every
moment I spent with him. My
life was made richer in having
had Martin as a friend, and his
loss will leave a void in my life
forever. Campus Wars, Part I
Kevan
"Fireball"
DETTLE-
BACH
A long time ago, on a campus
far, far away...
Chapter IV:
With the completion of their
Political Correctness Death Ray, a
campus newspaper has begun a new
reign of terror. Faculty after faculty
has fallen. Only a small group of
science students strikingfrom a
secret base has been able to hold
fiut. But the time of their conversion too, has drawn near...
Leah, Commerce Student and
Member of the Imperious Senate, is
being pursued by the insidious campus security forces. Before being
forced off the road, she tosses a
small object out the window.
Leah:   Art Vader. Only you
could be so bold. The Senate
will not sit still for this. When
they hear you've attacked a...
Vader: You're not on any mercy
mission this time. Your vehicle intercepted several transmissions. I want those codes.
Commander, tear this car
apart till you've found those
plans.
Cowboy: Something was jettisoned during the fighting. It
could be what we're looking
for.
Vader: Send down a detachment
to retrieve it. There will be no
one to stop us this time.
Cowboy: How about in fifteen
minutes? I was just going to
go grab some coff—
Vader gestures toward Cowboy.
Cowboy gasps, clutches throat, and
falls over. After much debate, Campus Planning puts removal of carcass into the Campus Master Plan.
Plant Operations arrives twelve
years Utter to tidy up the mess.
The jettisoned object, actually a
HP 48sx megacalculator, was
picked up by a wino who sold it to
a Granville street pawnshop.
We now meet the hero of our
saga, Luke Warm, who works at
his uncle Owen's and his aunt
Bern s pornography shop.
Bern: Luke, Luke, if your uncle
gets a new calculator, be sure
that it does logarithms.
Luke:   Doesn't look like we have
much choice, but I'll tell him.
Later as Luke is re-programming
the calculator to handle pornographic equations, he stumbles
across part of a secret message...
Leah:   Help me Dobiewan
Kedobie, you're my only
hope.
Perplexed he tries in vain to
find the rest of the message. Finally
he gives up and goes in for supper.
Luke: I think that calculator we
got might be stolen. It keeps
referring to a Dobiewan
Kedobie. Do you think it
means old Bill?
Owen : Bill is just a crazy old
man. I don't think Dobiewan
exists anymore. He died
about the same time as your
father. Tomorrow I want you
to flush that calculator's
memory.
Luke : I think that this calculator
will work out fine. In fact, I
want to submit my application to UBC this semester.
Owen : Luke, this is when I need
you the most. Look next
semester you can apply. It
only one more season.
Luke: That's what you said
when Biggs left.
Luke gets up and storms out.
Beru : Owen, Luke's just not a
pornographer. He's got too
much of his father in him.
Owen : That's what I'm afraid of.
.   The next day, Luke goes to the
Wreck Beach Wastelands to try and
find Bill Kedobie. Suddenly Luke is
attacked by a pair of Beach Creatures. Just before the unspeakable
can happen, sirens fill the air and
over the rise comes a lone figure
draped in a madras robe.
Luke: Bill?
Bill: Wreck Beach is not a
place to be traveled lighdy.
We must hurry, the beach
creatures are easily startled,
but they will return and in
greater numbers.
Later, at Bill's shack...
Bill: Dobiewan. Now there's a
name I haven't used in a long
time.
Luke: Why? So the Ubyssey
wouldn't find you?
Bill:    No. Because it sounds so
idiotic. Now let's see this
message.
Leah: Dobiewan, years ago you
served on the council. Now
your Alma Mater needs you
once more. My vehicle has
been attacked and my mission
to bring you to Angus has
failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of the
Rebellion inside this calculator. You must bring it to the
Dean of Commerce in Angus.
Help me Dobiewan Kedobie,
you're my only hope.
Luke: You were on the old
Council?
Bill:    Yes, and I was a Jedi like
your father.
Luke: How did my father die?
Bill:    A young Jedi named
Arthur Vader betrayed and
murdered your father. You
see, Vader turned to the Arts
side of the Force.
Luke: Wait a minute. Weren't
you in arts as well?
Bill:    Political science. You see,
just having the "science" in
the name makes it all right. I
have something for you. Your
fathers slide-rule. The tool of
the Jedi. Not as clumsy or as
random as a calculator. An
elegant tool of a more civilized age. You must learn of
the Force if you are to come
with me to Angus. I'm getting
too old for this sort of thing.
Luke :  How are we going to get
by the blockage?
Bill:    I know of a place where
we can find a driver that will
take us to Angus.
Meanwhile, in the offices of the
Ubyssey...
Flunky.li the Senate hears of this,
Vader...
Governor Grand MofStrangwey
(Dave) enters
Dave: The Imperious Senate is
no longer of any concern to
us. The Editor has dissolved it
and placed all control with
the Board of Governors. As
for the rebellion, Leah will
soon tell us everything. Set a
course for Angus.
Stay tuned for next issue, when
Luke and Dobiewan team up
with Drum Solo for the perilous
WHY SELL YOUR
USED BOOKS TO
MAMS USED BOOKSTORE?
While other places determine how much
they will give you (or your used books,
we let you determine your price.*
This means more money in your pocket.
WHY BUY YOUR
USED BOOKS f ROM
THE AMS USED BOOKSTORE?
The handling fee is primarily charged
so that the AMS is able to hire students.
Your patronage supports students
and their interests.
WHY GO ANYWHERE ELSE?
SELL YOUR BOOKS:
August 30 to September 17"
8:30 am to 6:30 pm"*
SUB Room 111
BUY YOUR BOOKS:
August 31 to September 24"
8:30 am to 6:30 pm***
SUB Room 111
* The AMS charges a 20% handling fee on all books sold.
• Closed Labour Day and weekends.     "' Hours are subject to change without notice.
SCIENCE STUDENTS
ENTERING THIRD
OR FOURTH YEAR...
The UBC Faculty of Science and the Science
Undergraduate Society welcome third and
fourth year Science students to participate as
mentors in the First Year Science Mentor
Program. For applications and information,
please contact the Science Undergraduate   ,., s.
Society at 822 4235, or the Faculty of Science
Mentor Program at 822 9012.
Office of the Dean
Faculty of Science
Rm 1507 Biological Sciences Building
6270 University Boulevard
Vancouver, B.C. V6T 1Z4
e*i
of
tf/uS *
uwf
ev>G
a....
The Official 432 It s-8:30-Just-Give-Me-
My-Coffee-And-Piss-OflF Crossword Puzzle
This Week's Theme: First Week of Classes
1
2
3
Across
2. Residence.
4. Science.
5. Telereg.
8. Wood 2.
10. Sleep.
12. SUS Barbeque.
13. Frosh.
17. Genetics.
18. Crowds.
19. Apprehension.
21. Parsecs.
22. AMS Barbeque.
23. Cinnamon Buns.
Down
1. Pendulum
3. Calculus.
6. Line Ups
7. Express.
9. Rip off.
11. Caffeine.
14. Registrar.
15. Pit Night.
16. Party.
20. Imaginus.
4
5
6
7
8
9
-
10
11
12
.
13
14
15
16
1/
IS
19
20
21
22
23
	
	
	
	
:	
	
Ll^,..:
	 Frosh Thineie
Whatzit in D Minor
Janice Boyle
AMS Vice President
Sooo... How does it feel to
be a first year student in
Science at UBC? Are you
patiently waiting to see if all of
those horror stories you heard
about University are true? Are
you worried about being able
to meet new and interesting
people? Would you like to
meet people who have been at
this university for a while and
can offer you some sound
advice?
Well, the AMS can help
(with everything except maybe
ihe "interesting" parr). There
are several events that the
AMS is sponsoring during the
second week of school to help
you adjust to your new life at
UBC:
Wednesday, September 15
Travel CUTS will be offering a free bus tour of Vancouver that will visit student hangouts around the city (this isn't
a pub crawl. Leave the buckets
at home.)
Thursday, September 16
There1 will be an iiifdrrhai;' '■"'
get-together for off-campus
students where they can meet
the AMS Executive, their
Undergraduate Society executives and enjoy some free food
and music. If there are any
questions or concerns you have
about university life and have
been to afraid to ask, or you've
listened to the University and
you'd like to hear things from a
student perspective, this is the
night for you. Also on this
night there is a coffee house
held for non-traditional students.
Saturday, September 18th
This is the is the big finale
for this year's orientation program. Frosh Olympics will be
run ending with an Awards
Ceremony, BBQ and Video
Dance. This event is open to
all UBC students, but each
te«im entered into this event
must have at least one frosh.
For more information on
the exact times and places of
these events, or for entry forms
for the Frosh Olympics, contact Lisa Luscombe, AMS First
Year Orientation Coordinator
at 822-8998 or visit the AMS
'ProgramsOffice1.- ; -;   - -
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Please...
Don t drink and derive.
Come see what's eookin9 at the
~J
SIS Barbeque!
11:00-2:34
Tllmrsfllay,
September 9
Burger &
a pop only
/ Science Frosh
\ pay only
Angus
Xl
BBQ
Moving Day, the Scholar s
Inquisition and other assorted perils
Leona
ADAMS
M
.. y mental fridge is still
empty. Picture it this
way: I just moved back into
writing mode and I haven't
had time to go shopping yet.
Actually, I would have had
time to think of something
concrete if a certain 432 editor (who shall remain nameless) hadn't given me two
days notice of the deadline.
Okay, so I'm a tad moody.
Just trying to shake off the
last symptoms of PMS. To be
truthful, it's been going on
longer than I expected. I've
been suffering from pre-,
peri-, and post-moving syndrome (what did you think I
was going to say?). We finally
left the house where I spent
three-quarters of my life. The
m ove was good in that it
gave me a chance to grow up
(the Wile E. Coyote lampshade had to stay with the
house). However, it was
weird leaving the place that
holds most of my memories,
good or bad. I mean, it was
there that I had my first hundred or so crushes (To unrequited love: may the dream
never die!). It was even where
I had my first kiss, and my
second, and my third... sorry,
got a bit carried away there.
Anyway, you see my point.
My grief over leaving is nothing that a soak in our new
hot tub won't cure, though.
For all the great stuff in
our new place, the fact
remains that I am stuck at
home for the summer. One
thing I hate about this situation is being trapped on the
pi tone by my parents'
friends, or The Scholars
Inquisition as they are alternatively known. The conversation usually revolves
around the same basic dialogue (words in parentheses
ari;: barely audible):
"So Leona, how was
school this year?"
"Okay, I guess."
"Still at the top of your
class?"
"Sure am (alphabetically
speaking)."
"What was that last bit?"
"That wasn't me. What,
Mom? Sorry, but I have to
head."
"No problem. Keep in
touch and I'll see you later."
"(Not unless you sneak up
on me.)"
The only thing that's
worse is when they come
over to visit and my mother
feels the need to trot out the
pictures of me at a friend's
wedding. I think it's because
it's the only shot of me in a
dress that she's had since my
highschool graduation. Anyway, I promise that this is the
last you'll hear of the wedding. It wasn't particularly
eventful. The only thing of
really great significance (to
me, anyway) that happened
was that I was reminded with
loud bells and whistles that I
really don't want children in
the near future. People who
have met me are probably
not startled by this piece of
information, but whenever I
start to find children cute, a
"Not yet" boot-to-the-head is
usually in order. My friend's
ringbearer and flower girl
were both two-and-a-half.
Granted they are cute at this
age, but dachshund puppies
are cute too, and I wouldn't
want them in my wedding
either. Besides, their cute-
ness, children under four and
puppies also share their
inability to be corrupted. If
they are intent on not doing
something, they (unfortunately) can be neither bribed
nor threatened into doing it.
All you can do is hope that
they will eventually find,
something of interest in what
you want them to do. Our
flower girl took a misguided
interest in the candles. There
wasn't much damage to the
church. Nothing that insurance won't cover, anyway.
Hoenjg's Second law
Corollary
Never fuck with a
non-linear dynamic system.
Based on this and other
unspectacular events which
have managed to happen this
summer, I have devised what
I refer to as the Adams' Laws
of Crap:
1. The Law of Relative
Crap:
In general, crap happens,
but it always seems to be
happening to you.
2. The Law of Unforeseen
Crap:
Then, when you're not
looking, it happens again.
3. The Law of Unexpected
Crap:
Then, when you least
expect it, it happens
again.
4. The Law of Crap Person
alization:
Despite it prevalence, it is
difficult to prove the existence of crap, because of
its personal nature. That
is, one man's "Oh poo!" is
another man's "Well,
shit...".
While avoiding as much of
the crap as humanly possible,
I did manage to enjoy part of
my summer, one of the highlights being cycling around a
beach near my house. One of
the unfortunate setbacks was
the joyless experience of
being honked at.
Now it's one thing when
I'm daydreaming and wandering dangerously into traffic, but if a car is passing me
at 80 km/h, the chances that
I will be able to recognize its
occupants by the time I
localize the source of the
sound are slim to none. But
the people who really take
home the First Annual Stimpy
Award for Outstanding Stupidity Behind The Wheel Of A
Motor Vehicle are guys who
lean out the window and yell
"Hey, baby!" as they cruise
by at 60 km/h. I mean, am I
supposed to shift into turbo
and catch up to these guys?
And what a winner of a line
that is, too. "Hey, baby."
They must've been sitting
around the cave a while
thinking that one up. Yeah, I
know, I'm being too hard on
them (one of my guy friends
already told me). Oh well,
I'll be moving back into residence soon, so I guess I can
blame it on PMS.
I said systems*. 20 000 Leagues Under the Weather
Roger
WATTS
So there you have it. Another
summer down the drain...
no pun towards the weather
intended, but I guess it applies.
I'm sorry, but I'm really disappointed with old Sol's performance this year. I realize
that Vancouver has a bit of a
rep for not being the sunniest
place on the face of the Earth
(they don't call it Point Grey
for nothin', sonny boy), but
people were starting to call the
place Atlantis by mistake. Even
the ducks were feeling soggy.
Granted, we weren't stricken
with IGLS (Instant Great Lake
Syndrome) like the American
Midwest, but at least they were
having fun. I was surveying the
damage on CNN one night
when I saw—and I am not
making this up—a kid body-
surfing in Des Moines, Iowa.
Sure, he wasn't exactly riding
the wave from the start of
Hawaii Five-O, but the very
premise itself was beyond
ridiculous and approaching the
kind of absurdity His Holiness
The Pope And Frank Zappa:
Unplugged might represent.
Only people from Iowa
could take a major natural disaster and turn it into The Pan
American Pool Party. Not that
this is a great surprise; if you
had nothing to look at but several million acres of corn all
year, you'd make the best of
civil disorder too. Rumor even
has it that Robert Plant
showed up later and sang
When The Levee Breaks until he
was hoarse.
At any rate, I hate to bitch,
STUDY SKILLS WORKSHOP
FOR FIRST-YEAR
SCIENCE STUDENTS
The UBC Faculty of Science and the Science
Undergraduate Society invites first-year Science
students to a study skills workshop led by the
Student Counselling and Resource Centre.
Tentative Dates:
Time:
Place:
September 15 and 16
12:30 to 1:30 PM
Biological Sciences 2449
For more information, please contact the
Faculty of Science Mentoring Program at
822 9012.
Office of the Dean
Faculty of Science
Rm 1507 Biological Sciences Building
6270 University Boulevard
Vancouver, B.C. V6T 1Z4
Resistance
is useless
but I'm from a place where 44-
degree-Celsius days are not an
uncommon thing. Besides the
fact that this is not Vernon's
only resemblance to Hell, it
makes for a damn good excuse
to lie in the lake all day. It also
beats the hell out of tree-planting in the rain, which ranks
right up there on the Loath-o-
Meter with a Dog Turd and
Tonic before dinner.
I was thus a little apprehensive about making the big
jump to the Lower Rainland,
but I figured Hey, lost summer
down here was pretty nice, so it
shouldn't be too much of a shock.
Hah. After the last four
months, I feel like one of those
little toy bugs that puff up
when you drop them into a
glass of water. At this point, by
my latest calculations, I should
be thirty-eight feet tall, weigh
about three thousand pounds,
and sit by the kitchen sink for
about two weeks until Mum
throws me out.
Don't get the impression,
however, that the summer was
a complete loss. In May, three
buddies o' mine and I went
down to Puerto Vallarta and
got more than our fair share of
UV rays. And tequila, and
cerveza (that's Spanish for
beer), and mezcal (that's Spanish for Well, the car's full, so
we may as well drink the rest),
and plenty of other things that
are:
a) just plain bad for you in the
long run;
b) still socially acceptable, curiously enough; and
c) a lot cheaper in Mexico.
We timed it really well;
apparently, the bad weather
really missed us while we were
gone... shortly after our departure, it proceeded down to PV
to serve up a tropical storm
and make up for lost time,
much to the chagrin of the
locals. Not that it mattered; by
the time we left, we were hung
over, sunburned and otherwise
seriously partied out, to the
point where Hurricane Hugo
could have made off with the
roof of the airport (yes, they
had a roof), and the sum of
our reaction would have been,
"Hmm... drafty. Gonna yak
again, I think."
But that was only one week
(the vacation, that is, not the
hangover). The rest of the
summer, with a few sporadic
exceptions during which my
car was in the shop, reminded
me less of One Crazy Summer
and more of The Poseidon
Adventure. But hey, that's the
way it goes, I guess. And look
at the bright side - the webs
between my toes are good and
thickened up for the fall.
This Summer s Top Ten
Rejected Movie Tides
Through diligent investigation and bribery rivalling the scope of Watergate, and plagiarism
rivalling the scope of Vanilla Ice, The 432 has compiled a comprehensive list of Hollywood's titles
that weren't. Among those that ended up on the cutting-room floor:
FINAL TITLE
REJECTED TITLE
REASON FOR CHANGE
1. Jurassic Park
2. In The Line Of Fire
3. Hoffa
Big Fucking Dinosaurs
Jurassic Clint
Walking On Sunshine
Could not get PG-13 rating.
Copyright infringement.
4. The Man Without A Face   The Elephant Mel
5. Needful Things
6. Dennis The Menace
7. The Crying Game
8. Searching For
Bobby Fischer
9. No Way Out
10. Jason Goes To Hell:
The Final Friday
Another King Book
Bites The Big One
Mr. Wilson Finally Snaps
And Pushes The Little Shit
Out In Front Of A Bus
Tad misleading.
He didn't look that bad.
Gotta think happier than that.
Gives away surprise ending.
What's That Doing There?       Go on. Have a guess.
I Wish My Kid Was A
Jock And Not A Nerdy
Little Brainiac
We Caught Yuri
Doesn't fit the "feel-good hit
of the summer" marketing
strategy.
Who wants him?
Saunderson Goes To Ottawa    Same dif (lawsuit pending). The Drawers of SUS
Some Underwear Reference
Sarah Thornton
They ask "What are your
plans for the year?" Well...
Martin Frauendorf Memorial
Bursary
One of my major projects
this year is to establish a bursary for Science students. 'Way
back in 88/89, the SUS raised
its student fees from $5 to $10
for the purpose of establishing
financial aid. The recent tragic
death of Martin Frauendorf
(see article p. 3.) has prompted
the name and spirit of the bursary. Martin was very involved
in student life while at UBC—
in the CS3 and in SUS. It is in
his memory that we wish to
help future Science students,
in the hope that others will get
as much enjoyment out of
helping their fellow students as
Martin did. We're looking at
criteria including involvement
in student life, financial need,
and a minimum of a second
class average. Don't come to us
to apply—it'll be administered
by Awards and Financial Aid.
Greater involvement of Science clubs
On a less weighty but no
less important note, we turn to
Science clubs. In the past,
clubs have come to SUS,
received the grant that we give
them, and then gone their own
ways. This year, I want to see a
difference. Clubs have a lot to
offer SUS, and SUS has a lot
of experience and resources to
offer clubs. I'm going to hold
all-presidents meetings every
now and then, and we can coordinate when clubs are holding bzzr gardens and organize
different events (for the Mentoring program, Science Week,
etc.).
Charity work
As students, often we think
our lot is the hardest—studying, exams, student loans etc.
But there are lots of other people who could use our help.
Traditionally, SUS has sponsored a Red Cross Blood Drive
during Science Week. Last
year, we added participation in
the student United Way campaign. This year, I'd like to see
these activities continued, and
more people involved. We can
rival the participation of the
EUS. After all, we outnumber
them by more than two-to-
one.
Mentoring program
Another activity that is continuing from last year and getting even bigger is the Mentoring Program. The program is
run jointly by the Faculty of
Science-and SUS. See the article elsewhere in the paper for
all the details, but realize I'm
planning events (social and
otherwise) for mentors and
mentees throughout the year. I
want to see this idea take off.
The university experience is
best when you know people at
all levels: first years through
professors. We'll also reserve a
section of a bulletin board for
program notices.
Academics
In the past few years, SUS
has become known for its
social characteristics relatively
exclusive of any other involvement we have. We are known
as the hecklers and class
clowns of the AMS. Now,
don't get me wrong—there's
nothing wrong with a bit of
fun. I like it. I participate in it.
Whyriot? But we'xcr alsohere-—
for some slightly more serious
reasons as well. Council members have a voting seat on the
Faculty of Science. We have a
voice, albeit small, in curriculum changes, and policies that
affect students. We also have a
seat on the University Senate
which sets all academic criteria
for the University. (Our senator is Chris Woods. Call him if
you've any questions) It's time
we used this voice a little more
strongly. If battling bureaucracy and administration turns
your crank, come see me (No
extreme radicals, please.)
Fun activities
I know I just said SUS
doesn't do enough true, serious
work. But we sometimes do
get bogged down in petty
bureaucracy. Every now and
then, we break loose. It's time
Science became a well-known
force on campus (again—once
we were big...). And if there
were a Black Hand (which I
knew nothing of, as President
of this esteemed society), I
would never encourage you to
join.
These are just my pet projects. Feel free to initiate or
suggest others! Good luck with
your year.
Sports Shorts
Delwin Yung
Are you a sports fanatic?
Well, luckily you came to
UBC. The Intramurals program at UBC is one of the
largest in Canada. Think of any
sport and UBC probably offers
it. Well, maybe not every sport.
I guess people like lawn
bowlers and bobsledders are
out of luck. UBC Intramurals
does offer league sports like
volleyball, basketball, soccer,
ice hockey, ball hockey, and
field hockey. There are also
tournament events like tennis,
squash, Softball, badminton,
cycling races, and wallyball.
One-day events also include
noon-hour runs, the
Tri/Duathalon, Centipede
Race, Arts 20 relay, and of
course, Storm the Wall.
I guess you're wondering
"What does the Science Undergraduate Society have to do
with sports?". As the Faculty of
Science, we compete against
other faculties and groups.
Points are allotted based on
participation and performance.
Both Science men and women
continued atradition of finishing first overall in their respective categories last year. We
would like to continue the tradition this year. SUS, in conjunction with Science clubs like
Micro, Chemistry, and PreMed, tries to encourage and
organize participation in the
Intramural Sports program. If
you are having trouble getting
enough members for your
team, or don't have a team to
join, we try to help you. Also
we can help you with your
team uniforms. As incentives
we offer sports awards and,
more importantly, sports
rebates on your registration
fees. For further information
about registering; or any other
questions about sports at UBC,
please come see us at SUS in
CHEM 160, or contact the
Intramurals office (822-6000,
SUB 66). If you want to be a
team <captain, or help out in
general, please contact us in the
SUS office (822 4235).
Sports Rebates
Rebates of 50% of registration fees will be given if die following conditions are met.
Rebates will be available at the
AMS office one week after the
event or league has concluded
(including_playoffs)^  .
1. Register at the Intramurals office (basement of SUB)
under the Faculty of Science.
No exceptions!
2. Complete rebate application form (available from, and
to be returned to, the SUS
office). A photocopy of the registration form and receipt (you
should keep the originals for
your records) must be attached
to the application form.
3. Don't default any games
or bring any serious disciplinary action upon your team.
You do, and your application
may be denied.
4. Return your rebate form
to the SUS office prior to the
deadline (two weeks before the
end of term—exact date TBA).
I would encourage you to
apply for your rebates as soon
as possible—right after you
register at the Intramurals
office. Not only does it reduce
the risk of losing your registration form and receipt (which
would be bad), but it also
increases your chances of
receiving your rebate before the
end of term. Rebate requests
received later on in the term
(near exam time) will not be
issued until the following term,
depending orf volume of
requests at the time.
AMS Brie ft
Graeme Kennedy
So what really happened to
the Ubyssey this year? Not
much, really. The AMS created
a special Publications Board
which will oversee the finances
of all AMS publications, of
which the Ubyssey is one. The
current Pub Board is composed
of the following members:
2 AMS Reps
3 Students-at-large
3 UBC Alumni
2 reps from each publication
The objectives of the board
begin with reviewing submissions for new publications, and
upon approving their constitutions and budgets, providing
monies for publishing these
new papers.
Another goal of the board is
to provide special 'seminars' on
journalism-related skills, such
as photography, layout, and
reporting. We hope this will
improve not only the quality of
the papers produced, but also
give the volunteers some formal
learning along these lines to
take away from the experience.
(iive me a call at 822 4235
for more info.
SUS has an opening for the executive position of
Public Relations Officer
The term of this position would be from October
15, 1993 to April 1, 1994.
The responsibilities of the person elected to the
position are:
• To act as a liaison between the Society and student
employment agencies, and between the Society and
Science Club employment representatives.
• To coordinate or appoint a coordinator for all of
the Society's charity events, including but not
limited to the Red Cross Blood Drive and the Food
Bank Food Drive.
• To represent the Society on the AMS Student
Council.
All candidates will be asked to demonstrate an ability
to recite naughty limericks whilst gargling, and an
understanding of the true genius of Ren & Stimpy.
For more information, please call Sarah Thornton or
Laurie Yee at 822 4235. Everything I ever
needed to know
about The Ubyssey
I learned from my
AMS Vice President.
Always make^HI the^P^at six in the morri\n%
Given a choice between ^[^ing and B[^jrigth£
student preee,^//}'em every time 'The^HflNflPI
and don't forget it •Who says that
is really bad for your^fc? #The
Stra ng way flHi with a melon *And remember,
whenever you go out into the world. 9HHHKHH
i, or at least until the salad bar closes

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